Relating hard to a lot of this. Particularly remembering that I enjoy social interactions and I'm funny, cheerful, witty and enjoy chatting to others - but all of this is through a layer of masking and I'm always hyper analytical of whether it's landing correctly or not. I also am very uneasy in conversations where there's not an obvious purpose or "right answer" as there's so much potential for getting it wrong. Not to mention struggling with eye contact and having to suppress stimming all the time. This was a really helpful video - thank you.
Wait. This is how I’ve felt my whole life, and I just assumed that this is how it is for everybody - if others are better at socializing than me, I thought it was because they somehow overcame this better than I did. Is it NOT this way for everybody?!?
You are SO brave. I have social anxiety and absolutely NO interest in powering past it and socializing. I'm a 60 year old man, and I just recently realized I may be autistic. Talk about the scales falling from my eyes! Everyday brings another revelation about my past, where I see the interactions with NTs in a whole new light, and realize how I was the cause of their anger/impatience/disdain. I wish you all the best on your life's journey. Thank you for the great video.
@@WoodshedTheory So very much to process! Everyday I alternate between relief and comfort over finally understanding my core disfunction, and overwhelming trepidation about the rest of my life and how most of all it will affect my wife. (And has affected her.) Sigh. Life is suffering.
I feel this. I realized that as a child I didn't have a lot of interest in socialising but was always bullied and cast out which very likely caused me trauma related social anxiety. Then equipped with this ✨quirky new trait✨ I finally figured that I have to socialise to appear as normal. So I forced myself to socialise all the time having my autism at my side rationalizing it with that it's unhealthy not to socialise.
I am 50 and just diagnosed. When I was young the default was indeed that everyone was assumed to be god or have my best interest in mind. Of course, eventually I learned that trusting people was a serious fault. So in my 40's I got to where I did not trust anyone. I had no friends and still don't. Now no one has the opportunity to do me wrong. So it appears my coping mechanism in order to survive was to develop a serious fear of trusting people. Now that I know I a autistic and understand this defense mechanism perhaps (doubtfully) I can learn some judgment. Actually I will not bother. I will defer to my NT wife. she understand that I am autistic and is very helpful. This means I have learned to trust her!
I've finally embraced this particular coping method in my 50's. I'm not married, so I have no one to refer to about who is trustworthy. I'm alone, but I'm better off than when I was being taken advantage of and ridiculed. I'll be 60 next month and I feel like I'm going to start a life. I love my animals and they love me. That's enough.
It seems you told my story well. I think maybe small talk is how they subtly imply how they feel since how are you must be answered with good or fine. Also, I find telling them I have anxiety, may step out of line without noticing, and would love it if they could let me know so I may address it, and then trusting them to, nearly eliminates my anxiety with them. I then feel more comfortable being myself, think and speak more clearly, and feel less anxiety still. We can't be them, we must let them understand us.
For me, up to about "work" friends is not too difficult. I'm not likely to act too stupid, and their own rules state they cannot make a big deal out of it anyway. Even if I'm weird, they are expected to be polite. When I feel more like we are becoming friends, or I would like to is the time for that speech. Mention anxiety, name it as reason for this odd approach, state clearly you would like to be better friends, invite on walk in park or similar. Either it gets awkward quick or they make an excuse not to meet with you. You save you both future anxiety and awkwardness. Or, your new friend says "cool, when". Now you both know that you both know you are both trying to become better friends. Edited to add: any who reply with cool when get the autism and how it effects me speech. Double edit to add: I don't mean to imply it is at all easy, it is hard and full of anxiety, but it over quickly either way. And when it works, the rewards are ninefold.
I was diagnosed with social anxiety in 8th grade after having a breakdown that led to a stint in a psychiatric hospital. Definitely didn't know scripting wasn't something everyone did! Thanks for sharing your experiences. Makes me feel less alone! 💞
*Boy I just had a very awkward moment. I was sitting in the Taco Bell drive thru waiting in line to order listening to Tim McGraw's Song "Don't take the girl" and as I finally made it to the window and she asked for my order I busted out crying and I could not stop tears and snot streaming down my face. I must admit that was a little embarrassing as I am a 63 year old feller. That Song always gets to my feels* *God bless the girls*
I'm male, 68. Oversharing. Yup - if I had a dollar for every time I've done it... I detest social events. I used to be more social when I was younger because I thought that was what I was supposed to do. I was sick and depressed a lot back then. I could never hang onto "friends" I made. I'd usually end up neglecting them because I needed to pursue my special interests, which, unfortunately, nobody else seemed to be interested in. Nowadays, I have found that I don't desire friends much at all. I'm not lonely, nor am I depressed. Being around people makes me anxious before and depressed afterword. I blow through my tiny supply of social energy in about 34 seconds. I need a LOT of down time after a social event to shut down and get my blood pressure back down into triple digits. I don't fear people, I just loathe disruption, the chaos and the life-draining effect that they have on me.
At barbeques etc, Ill try to find the smartest person there, and pick their brain. Often, it doesnt go as well as it should: eg Me: " So, what game are you in Bob?". Him: "Im in Medical research". Me:" Oh, Ok. So, how do you deal with the moral dilemma of your funder needing a certain finding?". ( true story)
I really like how you explained about not leaving people space to talk about their own stuff. I forget to ask too, and then wonder why people don't share back with me. I think that thinking of it as crating a space will help with asking questions.
Oh my gosh you are mirroring exactly every single thing that I go through 100% wow didn't know there were other people with this very same exact same thing thank you so much for THIS I'm literally crying I feel like I really have no friends because of this and haven't truly my whole life I feel as if they may notice so much like you say the before and the after that they may not even like me anymore
It isn't so much social anxiety, I just have a certain amount of energy i can devote to social situations before I just can't do it anymore. I've gotten good at that neurotypical social dance over the years, but what feels good to them feels foreign and forced to me. On several occasions, I have made a quiet exit from a social situation because I had nothing positive left to give people. I do what I can in order to avoid being seen as rude, and I ask anyone I interact with a lot to let me know if something goes wrong. The way it feels for me, life isn't long enough to worry about saying the wrong thing. I know it will happen, and in accepting that, it takes away the anxiety of not being perfect. All of that being said, I definitely enjoy being around and interacting with other autists. People with ADHD (is there another word they use? If so, please enlighten me) but not autism tend to be a bit (for lack of a better word) "active" for my tastes, but that could just be the admittedly small sample size (a whopping 3 people that I know of). It is worth mentioning that I do not have ADHD
I so wish my blood relatives understood my social anxiety. But I've learned to accept that it's okay especially since I don't have to be around them all the time. Unless it's one on one and I come from a big family unfortunately. Do you have a full time job? And do you direct people you meet in public to your Facebook page or your TH-cam channel, if they want to get to know you better. Asking questions is something I wasn't taught, even though it's supposed to be natural. Thanks for your video.
Hi Leah, Right now I self-employed, so no not a traditional full time job. I have worked full time for others in the past. I will sometimes point people to my channel but usually only if I know them already.
Every social interaction costs so much energy these days. But I know social interactions are important so I limit them to what I really want to do. I have a friend who usually comes to me if we are going to do something. This is handy because if I don't feel like more interaction we can stay here and order in or go pick up some food. If I feel fine we go to a restaurant. I have assistance that comes in once a week which is important. I don't really go to parties but I love going to concerts. Even though this can cause a few days or more in recovery time. In most cases I really want to go see the band or artist so in my opinion that's worth it. Once in a while a family gathering. Most of my other social interactions are online. Those aren't as tiring as the IRL ones where the anxiety usually starts way before the social gathering.
I always feel like there has to be some reason to talk to someone, otherwise it's just weird. Like; "Who the hell are you and why are you talking to me about nothing?!" 🤨. I feel like it would be nosy of me to ask them a question that I don't really want to know the answer to anyway! My primary motivation is to avoid a negative reaction and embarrassment. I find people being sociable and emotionally expressive embarrassing and cringe, even though they aren't embarrassed by it, and I never knew why I couldn't do that.
I guess social anxiety is another thing that I really didn't have a solid understanding of, I never thought that I was socially anxious but I am. Just like with depression something stopped me being able to see it in myself. I do the thing where later I'll think o no I offended that person and I'll explain the whole thing to my husband if he wasn't there and see if he thinks I was rude or anything. I'm going to be starting a new job soon and going to college soon so I'm going to be meeting a lot of new people I guess. The work environment will probably not seem like too much pressure to socialize at least for me at first because I'll b too worried about making sure I don't mess up and learn what I need to do. We'll see, plus I might have customers complaining to me which may be a real problem. I hate to disappoint but if I mess up somebody's coffee I'm allowed to give them another, hopefully they won't b pissed. With school we'll b working at computers so maybe it'll b pretty relaxed socially. I will have to push myself tho to make sure to ask questions if I'm having trouble understanding anything. I really worry about seeming stupid. Yeah, hopefully the instructor will be nice
@@WoodshedTheory I'm glad that I'm not the only one who I guess just had such a specific idea about these things that I couldn't recognize them in myself
Hello friend! It is actually so "alien" sound effects clipped together. I get all of the sound effects and music for my videos though epidemicsound.com :) I also find it satisfying.
Relating hard to a lot of this. Particularly remembering that I enjoy social interactions and I'm funny, cheerful, witty and enjoy chatting to others - but all of this is through a layer of masking and I'm always hyper analytical of whether it's landing correctly or not. I also am very uneasy in conversations where there's not an obvious purpose or "right answer" as there's so much potential for getting it wrong. Not to mention struggling with eye contact and having to suppress stimming all the time.
This was a really helpful video - thank you.
Hi Chris, thank you for your comment. Socializing is so exhausting!
Wait. This is how I’ve felt my whole life, and I just assumed that this is how it is for everybody - if others are better at socializing than me, I thought it was because they somehow overcame this better than I did. Is it NOT this way for everybody?!?
@@central_scrutinizrNope, it isn't.
It blew my mind too.
You are SO brave. I have social anxiety and absolutely NO interest in powering past it and socializing. I'm a 60 year old man, and I just recently realized I may be autistic. Talk about the scales falling from my eyes! Everyday brings another revelation about my past, where I see the interactions with NTs in a whole new light, and realize how I was the cause of their anger/impatience/disdain. I wish you all the best on your life's journey. Thank you for the great video.
It is scales from your eyes! I felt like it hit me like a train. So much to process
@@WoodshedTheory So very much to process! Everyday I alternate between relief and comfort over finally understanding my core disfunction, and overwhelming trepidation about the rest of my life and how most of all it will affect my wife. (And has affected her.) Sigh. Life is suffering.
I feel this. I realized that as a child I didn't have a lot of interest in socialising but was always bullied and cast out which very likely caused me trauma related social anxiety. Then equipped with this ✨quirky new trait✨ I finally figured that I have to socialise to appear as normal. So I forced myself to socialise all the time having my autism at my side rationalizing it with that it's unhealthy not to socialise.
I am 50 and just diagnosed. When I was young the default was indeed that everyone was assumed to be god or have my best interest in mind. Of course, eventually I learned that trusting people was a serious fault. So in my 40's I got to where I did not trust anyone. I had no friends and still don't. Now no one has the opportunity to do me wrong. So it appears my coping mechanism in order to survive was to develop a serious fear of trusting people.
Now that I know I a autistic and understand this defense mechanism perhaps (doubtfully) I can learn some judgment. Actually I will not bother. I will defer to my NT wife. she understand that I am autistic and is very helpful. This means I have learned to trust her!
I also struggle with this because I am so trusting
I also rely on my husband with this, I just have to remember to listen to what he's saying
I've finally embraced this particular coping method in my 50's. I'm not married, so I have no one to refer to about who is trustworthy. I'm alone, but I'm better off than when I was being taken advantage of and ridiculed. I'll be 60 next month and I feel like I'm going to start a life. I love my animals and they love me. That's enough.
It seems you told my story well.
I think maybe small talk is how they subtly imply how they feel since how are you must be answered with good or fine.
Also, I find telling them I have anxiety, may step out of line without noticing, and would love it if they could let me know so I may address it, and then trusting them to, nearly eliminates my anxiety with them.
I then feel more comfortable being myself, think and speak more clearly, and feel less anxiety still.
We can't be them, we must let them understand us.
Very true! However I do struggle to know who is the right person to share this with.
For me, up to about "work" friends is not too difficult. I'm not likely to act too stupid, and their own rules state they cannot make a big deal out of it anyway. Even if I'm weird, they are expected to be polite.
When I feel more like we are becoming friends, or I would like to is the time for that speech.
Mention anxiety, name it as reason for this odd approach, state clearly you would like to be better friends, invite on walk in park or similar.
Either it gets awkward quick or they make an excuse not to meet with you. You save you both future anxiety and awkwardness.
Or, your new friend says "cool, when". Now you both know that you both know you are both trying to become better friends.
Edited to add: any who reply with cool when get the autism and how it effects me speech.
Double edit to add: I don't mean to imply it is at all easy, it is hard and full of anxiety, but it over quickly either way.
And when it works, the rewards are ninefold.
I was diagnosed with social anxiety in 8th grade after having a breakdown that led to a stint in a psychiatric hospital. Definitely didn't know scripting wasn't something everyone did! Thanks for sharing your experiences. Makes me feel less alone! 💞
You aren’t alone!
*Boy I just had a very awkward moment. I was sitting in the Taco Bell drive thru waiting in line to order listening to Tim McGraw's Song "Don't take the girl" and as I finally made it to the window and she asked for my order I busted out crying and I could not stop tears and snot streaming down my face. I must admit that was a little embarrassing as I am a 63 year old feller. That Song always gets to my feels*
*God bless the girls*
Once I watched "twelve years a slave" on an airplane and i cried so hard a man came and asked if i was ok - yikes but it was such a sad movie
@@WoodshedTheory . I can Relate. Thanks
I'm male, 68. Oversharing. Yup - if I had a dollar for every time I've done it... I detest social events. I used to be more social when I was younger because I thought that was what I was supposed to do. I was sick and depressed a lot back then. I could never hang onto "friends" I made. I'd usually end up neglecting them because I needed to pursue my special interests, which, unfortunately, nobody else seemed to be interested in. Nowadays, I have found that I don't desire friends much at all. I'm not lonely, nor am I depressed. Being around people makes me anxious before and depressed afterword. I blow through my tiny supply of social energy in about 34 seconds. I need a LOT of down time after a social event to shut down and get my blood pressure back down into triple digits. I don't fear people, I just loathe disruption, the chaos and the life-draining effect that they have on me.
Thank you for sharing - i had two social events yesterday and I was already tired before i left the house lol
At barbeques etc, Ill try to find the smartest person there, and pick their brain. Often, it doesnt go as well as it should: eg Me: " So, what game are you in Bob?". Him: "Im in Medical research". Me:" Oh, Ok. So, how do you deal with the moral dilemma of your funder needing a certain finding?". ( true story)
Haha Gregory I have been there! Like I don’t know how not to be forward because I genuinely am interested
I really like how you explained about not leaving people space to talk about their own stuff. I forget to ask too, and then wonder why people don't share back with me. I think that thinking of it as crating a space will help with asking questions.
it was a tough lesson for me to learn and sometimes i still forget
Oh my gosh you are mirroring exactly every single thing that I go through 100% wow didn't know there were other people with this very same exact same thing thank you so much for THIS I'm literally crying I feel like I really have no friends because of this and haven't truly my whole life I feel as if they may notice so much like you say the before and the after that they may not even like me anymore
It has really set me free - i've had a really positive response from people and i have started having good friends for the first time.
@@WoodshedTheory This gives me so much hope I've been living with this for years I'm 49 your a blessing to me
It isn't so much social anxiety, I just have a certain amount of energy i can devote to social situations before I just can't do it anymore. I've gotten good at that neurotypical social dance over the years, but what feels good to them feels foreign and forced to me. On several occasions, I have made a quiet exit from a social situation because I had nothing positive left to give people.
I do what I can in order to avoid being seen as rude, and I ask anyone I interact with a lot to let me know if something goes wrong. The way it feels for me, life isn't long enough to worry about saying the wrong thing. I know it will happen, and in accepting that, it takes away the anxiety of not being perfect.
All of that being said, I definitely enjoy being around and interacting with other autists. People with ADHD (is there another word they use? If so, please enlighten me) but not autism tend to be a bit (for lack of a better word) "active" for my tastes, but that could just be the admittedly small sample size (a whopping 3 people that I know of). It is worth mentioning that I do not have ADHD
Hi there, you know I don’t know if there is another term for adhd.
I so wish my blood relatives understood my social anxiety. But I've learned to accept that it's okay especially since I don't have to be around them all the time. Unless it's one on one and I come from a big family unfortunately. Do you have a full time job? And do you direct people you meet in public to your Facebook page or your TH-cam channel, if they want to get to know you better. Asking questions is something I wasn't taught, even though it's supposed to be natural. Thanks for your video.
Hi Leah, Right now I self-employed, so no not a traditional full time job. I have worked full time for others in the past. I will sometimes point people to my channel but usually only if I know them already.
You have just spoken my thoughts 100%!!
I'm glad you related to this content.
Every social interaction costs so much energy these days. But I know social interactions are important so I limit them to what I really want to do. I have a friend who usually comes to me if we are going to do something. This is handy because if I don't feel like more interaction we can stay here and order in or go pick up some food. If I feel fine we go to a restaurant. I have assistance that comes in once a week which is important. I don't really go to parties but I love going to concerts. Even though this can cause a few days or more in recovery time. In most cases I really want to go see the band or artist so in my opinion that's worth it. Once in a while a family gathering. Most of my other social interactions are online. Those aren't as tiring as the IRL ones where the anxiety usually starts way before the social gathering.
I literally just canceled some plans today lol
I've done scripting since I was a kid. The problem is that people don't follow a script.
that is the problem!
"it feels awkward" ... oh yes, true!
Indeed
I always feel like there has to be some reason to talk to someone, otherwise it's just weird. Like; "Who the hell are you and why are you talking to me about nothing?!" 🤨. I feel like it would be nosy of me to ask them a question that I don't really want to know the answer to anyway! My primary motivation is to avoid a negative reaction and embarrassment. I find people being sociable and emotionally expressive embarrassing and cringe, even though they aren't embarrassed by it, and I never knew why I couldn't do that.
Thanks for sharing. I usually have a list of typical questions ready that usually starts with what they do for a living
Omg too explained this so wel. Thank you so so much x
Glad it was helpful!
I guess social anxiety is another thing that I really didn't have a solid understanding of, I never thought that I was socially anxious but I am. Just like with depression something stopped me being able to see it in myself. I do the thing where later I'll think o no I offended that person and I'll explain the whole thing to my husband if he wasn't there and see if he thinks I was rude or anything.
I'm going to be starting a new job soon and going to college soon so I'm going to be meeting a lot of new people I guess. The work environment will probably not seem like too much pressure to socialize at least for me at first because I'll b too worried about making sure I don't mess up and learn what I need to do. We'll see, plus I might have customers complaining to me which may be a real problem. I hate to disappoint but if I mess up somebody's coffee I'm allowed to give them another, hopefully they won't b pissed.
With school we'll b working at computers so maybe it'll b pretty relaxed socially. I will have to push myself tho to make sure to ask questions if I'm having trouble understanding anything. I really worry about seeming stupid. Yeah, hopefully the instructor will be nice
i had NO idea i was depressed.
@@WoodshedTheory I'm glad that I'm not the only one who I guess just had such a specific idea about these things that I couldn't recognize them in myself
@@WoodshedTheory this is kinda random but u mentioned studying ancient languages, what language?
💯💯💯💯💯
Glad you can relate
Congrats on 1k subs
Thank you for the support!
I started eventually just not trusting anyone which is isolating and still exhausting and not so good. I'm trying to do better.
i get it
What is that sound in your intro? It's oddly satisfying
Hello friend! It is actually so "alien" sound effects clipped together. I get all of the sound effects and music for my videos though epidemicsound.com :) I also find it satisfying.
Did it!
Thanks
💕
Hello there!
Hi 😊
Is taking over the conversation regarding our special interests mansplaining?
I mean… in a way