The Dr. Cloud Show | Conflict in a marriage over pornography - Episode 66
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 29 ก.ย. 2024
- In this segment of The Dr. Cloud Show, a caller is struggling in her marriage because her husband is going to pornography frequently. He lies about it, and it's been going on for years.
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So glad you talked about negotiating in the end. There's a reason he's doing it. It is somewhat on him and somewhat on her. Doesn't make it right. But everyone needs to negotiate a scenario where everybody wins. He quits porn, she's more connected, she's more understanding, he's more open to her... win, win, win, win.
Good advice Dr
This response doesn't cut it. When you meet somebody, you need to be prepared to have a very open conversation with them about exactly what their sexual Preferences are. Not necessarily judging it, but deciding if this is right for you or not. And evaluating for yourself what their actual proclivities are, not just taking their words at face value. Before, commiting, becoming impregnated, or in any way tied down. And you Always need to be well prepared to move on, if for any reason, this is not working for you. Or else whatever boundaries you set will be Toothless. And treated as such.
If someone wanted to change, they would have changed in 8 years. And all the Christian cliches about mentorship and accountability and this and that just becomes a dance that people learn how to hide behind.
If he was doing this since the honeymoon stage, then you all clearly had different intentions. And you cannot change someone's Intent. Not by all the gentle Christianese nagging in the world.
Rather, you need to be Decisive, about whether this set up is meeting your Own needs, or not. And take conctete steps to separate temporarily or permanently if not.
In order to stop you, he will concretely alter something. However, someone shouldn't change for You. This should have been about his own journey in the first place. Whether it's in the same direction.
Girls in a Christian bubble are often unprepared to assess a potential relationship sexually. Pornography is a lifestyle, not some unmentionable taboo. For example, some couples do pornography together and that works for them. But he can have any number of preferences, that will Not work for you. And the question about what his vision is, is one that needs to be resoundingly answered upfront.
As true sexual partners would need to be on the same page, with any and all fetishes, on both sides. And aware of the full range of each other's sexual behaviors, however risky or bizarre, none of which is likely to change. That, is how you choose a sexual partner as an adult.
Instead, she seems profoundly taken aback that this is happening. And paralysed there while getting more and more trapped in the relationship.
With a feeble plea now and then to try to work on himself. While he pulls the wool over her eyes in a nice churchy way. This is a common pattern.
If porn is not something you will tolerate then don't tolerate it. From the get-go. Don't get 8 years and 2.3 kids deep into a relationship. While he dilly dallys around some one off small group chat or the other about it. That is not what change looks like.
Actions speak louder than words. On his part.
As well as yours. What do your actions say you are willing to accept? At this rate, you will end up Settling.
For feeling disturbed and less than for the rest of your life.
(psychologist)
I feel your pain. He will never stop. Get out now before it's too late. Sending you lots of love.
Dr. Cloud, can you do a show on sex addiction and betrayl. Including intrigue addiction?