Well I am that example. My deepest friendship lasts for 15 years and counting, and he is a guy. He has beed in a very healthy relationship for the last year (and counting) with a wonderful woman and non of us had ever had a problem with anything in this friendship. It is logical that his girl is now in the first place for him and of course we don't hear each other as much as we did, also now he has her to discuss his things, but our friendship has transitioned very naturally and I know that I can still count on him, as I did before. That relationship is the deepest and still growing friendship =) I have been very blessed by it.
Finally a Christian channel on the Internet that actually feels like it's ran by real people, who actually understand modern struggles instead of sounding like robots.
@@ReverendDr.Thomas it seems you must be some kind of fundamentalist. When talking to Catholics, they are like those Muslims when they talk to Jews, can't control their disrespect and hate, name calling. It almost seems demonic, that hate the spews forth. Ask again with Christ-like Charity, "Reverend".
Ehhhhh I feel like we're missing the nuance of genuine platonic friendships. There are many, many instances of male-female friendships within the saints and I think that's the telling that those friendships can be holy and virtuous. A lot of it comes down to if you're having a convo with a friend of the opposite gender that you wouldn't be comfortable with your significant other knowing about, you're crossing a line.
The term “FRIEND” implies equality. How can a man and a woman be EQUALS? Equality is non-existent in this phenomenal sphere. Equality exists in abstract ideas such as mathematics and arguably on the sub-atomic level ALONE.🤓 UNFORTUNATELY, it requires an intelligence quotient above double-digits in order to be able to comprehend such truthful concepts. 😛
Two of my very best friends are men that I work with. We have wonderful theological discussions and we rely on each other for emotional support all the time. My husband and I hang out with them and their wives often. They are both men of God and are like brothers to me. I also have very close friends that are women and are like sisters. I’m very open about the conversations that I have with my male friends with my husband and I’m careful to make sure that there is no jealousy and hard feelings. My husband is my number one BFF, always!
The fundamental issue you're running into is this: women are socialized to rely on their friends for emotional support, while men are socialized to rely only on their romantic partner for emotional support. This leads to misunderstandings where a guy who offers emotional support for a female friend feels like he's doing the duties of a boyfriend while his friend sees their relationship as fundamentally similar to her friendships with other women. She's not trying to lead him on or take advantage of him; she just doesn't realize that his perception differs from hers. Really, though, we do men a disservice here. We *should* be able to rely on our friends for emotional support! We *should* be able to be there for each other without feeling a Pavlovian response towards romance, because humans are more than mere animals bound to have carnal thoughts at every ring of the bell. The love between friends is not a lesser form of the love between spouses, but rather a wholly separate form of love. You should be friends with your spouse, but you needn't have romantic feelings for your friends. You can just enjoy each other's company, laugh together during the good times and support each other during bad. Friends can go years without speaking and then pick right back up where they left off. Men and women can absolutely be friends. It's especially easy when you aren't each other's type, but really it's just a matter of choosing how you want them in your life, and vice versa. We have more control over who we love and how we love them than you think.
I see what you're speaking of, but I think this is only really a problem because, sadly, nowadays many people don't have real friends. I think the reason why men don't like to talk about emotional stuff with their friends is because they only really have acquaintances, in which case it's normal. I've never had a problem relying on my male friends for emotional support and I've never had a problem giving them emotional support. However, I've always been very picky when it comes to friends, because I'm more of an introvert, so I hate superficial small talk. It may seem counter-intuitive at first, because avoiding small talk can look like being a way to become lonely, but in my experience, it's a great filter to find people you're compatible with on a deeper level. In fact, I used to be a loner as a teenager because of this, but later in life, it helped me establishing good friendships. Honestly, I blame school and pop culture for this. The mixture is what leads to the loneliness epidemic. At school, many people learn that the only way to get "friends" is to be "popular" and the only way to be "popular" is to be immersed in pop culture, which is extremely superficial and dumb. This approach may work at school, but later, it makes people unable to form deeper friendships, because they still rely on their mask they formed back at school.
WOW!!! First time I've ever heard someone speak on this topic!! Priests should be sharing this and it definitely should be addressed in marriage prep! And I love that you expressed TWO kinds of infidelity!!!. Physical is easy for people to 'Know" it's wrong. Emotional intimacy with someone outside the marriage is a very slippery slope and some people feign innocence forever!! The other partner knows it's going on , but doesn't know how to voice the concern or stop it. NOW , I have confirmation that Emotional infidelity is not just something I made up! Thank you!
than wife. But , " cover their butts" because they aren't having sex-- though they give their heart and soul to other women. So men need to get this concept too!! Especially those who believe in old fashioned/ traditional male/ female roles in marriage.
@@justsomevids4541 exactly, my husband is my best friend. All others are secondary and friendships, not 'best' friendships. The best man or woman is your spouse.
@@hopefull61256 i just found one of the other guy's comments where he recommends people shouldn't get married and rather stay single in order to be more fulfilled... Tragic, i could only speculate. But im glad your best friend is your husband! It's certainly ideal and im thrilled to hear that! 😊
@@justsomevids4541 people do get tired of their spouses. For some people their spouse can be a source of suffering. Not implying that the OP is suffering from such a situation, but not everyone can have the privilege of tagging their spouse as the 'best friend'.
He’s not wrong. My relationship with a man I’ve befriended a few months ago has been really deep and there’s a ridiculously strong emotional connection. We say we’re friends. But, I definitely am aware that there’s an opportunity for more. We’ve both acknowledged it. But, we are friends. Currently.
100% agree with everything you said. 1- There has to be zero attraction between the two 2- You're just setting yourself up for failure anyway because when you do have a relationship, your partner might get jealous or build resentment because of it. 3- I don't think it's a good idea to be friends with people of the opposite sex. Someone is eventually going to develop feelings for the other.
This is a very interesting question can men and women be just friends and for me personally the answer is yes you can have male friends in your life where you both respect each other, you set boundaries in place and there is really no sexual connection or sexual interests involved you see these friends as brothers .
Yes, of course. Love and friendship are above any fleeting romantic spark. Do we actually care about the person and willing their good or are we focused on fulfilling fleeting romantic desires?
After all the broken friendships I had with my female friends... What I learned from this video: The moment two good friends who aren't of the same sex open about emotional thoughts, the first red flag; they should be talking about this to their friends(of the same sex). Because listening to this, I'm crossing some boundaries. By doing this I'm saving mine and their emotional state of mind.
I think that friendships between the opposite sex can happen, but there has to be solid boundaries. It's also important to identify why you're just friends and will never be more. Ex. Most of my platonic male friendships are because we share common interests in movies, sports, trades/construction, or some other creative activity (i.e. building/fixing stuff.) I like discussing and debating (basically nerding out) on a topic that most of my female friends have no interest in or knowledge on. However, when it comes to my platonic male friends coming to me for advice or sharing deeper, more intimate emotions, I always refer them to each other (another mutual male friend), or, to their girlfriend/wife (if they have one.) I do it to protect their dignity as well as mine: I am not a repository for other people's emotions! I can sometimes give an outside point of view, but, ultimately encourage them to go to someone else who is more knowledgeable, or, encourage them to work through the problem with their girlfriend/wife. But, when it comes to asking me what their girlfriend/wife would want for her birthday, anniversary, etc, I can give that advice because I have gift ideas for most of my friends already, and/or, their girlfriends/wives already told me what to tell them when they ask. Another rule for I have for platonic opposite-sex friendships I have is: I don't go out with this friend alone (even if their significant other knows about it.) I always drag out (an)other friend(s), his girlfriend/wife, or a family member to come with us. Again, this is to ensure that the lines between platonic and more than friends will never be crossed (even if we only see each other as friends.) I love my platonic male friendships. I've learned a lot from these friends and, if protected amd preserved, it really is a gift.
Is there something (psychologically or morally) wrong with a man who feels more comfortable around women? Who never really felt comfortable or even safe around other boys or men. Feeling like he was walking on eggshells around them. And if he was around any he felt some comfort with he always found himself insignificant beside them. As he wasn’t strong, he wasn’t fast, he wasn’t coordinated, he wasn’t smart, he wasn’t skilled, he wasn’t loud, he wasn’t bold, he wasn’t like them in so many ways. He just was. And the way he was made him all the more aware of his preordained brokenness.
I guess I have no authority to answer this, but from what I know there can be no feelings or attractions that are morally wrong. For something to be moral, it has to be an action, something you intentionally do or don't do (I believe thoughts can also be moral (good or bad) if you consent on having those thought. Therefore, there is nothing morally wrong for a man to feel more comfortably around women than men. I know almost nothing about psicology and would therefore have no idea how to define good or bad psicologically speaking, let alone know if this particular situation fits into any of those.
As a fairly effeminate guy myself raised with 3 sisters and basically no father, I don't think it's a "moral wrong" to feel more at home around women, but I do think there were psychological oversights in my upbringing that led to me turning out this way. I'm more emotions-based and empathetic and a mediator, lacking the physical strength and endurance my male friends seem to have. It doesn't mean I don't get along with them, in fact we have lots of fun and do work together, but my deeper interests are just more into more abstract things like literature--and theology! The Bible lays out what makes a good man and husband: protecting and cherishing your wife, being a leader and kind authority for your family, being selfless and sacrificial. These things don't necessarily demand physical strength, they just demands dedication and will and faith. Personally, I'm slowly working on making myself more assertive and brave and able to stand up in situations and be the type leader I look up to. Therapy and classes such as the ones Jordan Peterson does are pretty big helps to me. Ultimately, any good man's strength comes from God. I often ask the Holy Spirit to come into me and help make me the man I want to be for my future wife, if that is my calling.
@@javieralvarez2787 thank you. That said I will confess I wasn’t exactly thinking as clearly as I would have liked making this. So I apologize to anyone for it and take what responsibility comes of this. So far I’m grateful for what I’ve gained from strangers. So thank you for your time. One thing I do disagree with (and I’ll need to find the exact source to get back to you on it or correct myself) but I don’t think that thoughts in themselves are moral. If I recall correctly Saint Thomas Aquinas reasoned that thoughts come and go in our minds and leave just as quickly. What makes a thought moral or immoral is how we act upon those ideas or choose to give them no action. An exception being if we dwell on thoughts that in action would be immoral or sinful, entertaining those ideas more than thinking and acting in a way that brings us closer to God. Don’t quote me on this, I’m only recalling. If I’m wrong please correct me to anyone that recalls more completely.
@@sandstorm7768 thank you very much for sharing. It really means a lot to hear from others in similar standing. I won’t deny that I’m a bit hesitant of therapy, so I tried to read up on psychology, philosophy, and theology on my own to try and discern things; but I guess there’s only so much a person can do on their own.
@@Xymage I won’t say you’re wrong, so there’s likely credence for this thank you. And while I wasn’t thinking clearly with this comment I will take responsibility for it. And part of that is admitting that I do often think poorly of myself. I will defend myself in that I don’t “loathe” myself. I have had an acute awareness however (either by my own recognition or by being directly told by others) of how unlike other people and especially other boys I was. And how unlike my father I was when I was his age. He’d say how long he was in baseball, how prolific of a hunter he was, how he was and still is able to lift so much in comparison to me. I liked reading books (the older the better), observing things, and art where others boys and even girls would play sports, hunt, and ride ATVs like jousting horses. I never fit in, and I was always reminded of it. So it did leave me wondering if there was always something wrong with me. Either way, it’s no excuse for losing my patience. And it’s no one else’s responsibility but mine. And I try to keep myself in that mindset that I can do better, but then feeling like better is never in my capacity to reach. If that makes sense.
Can men and women have relationships that are purely platonic? I would say yes, BUT - 1) Not if there are any romantic feelings - either it has to become that or the friendship dies, 2) You do need boundaries - especially if one of you is in a couple, and 3) Don’t do ANYTHING alone - eating out, meeting for coffee, hanging out at home - that looks like something that a romantic couple would do.
If #1 is true, then #3 is way overkill. If you can control yourself around family members of the opposite gender (for whom you presumably have no romantic feelings), you can do the same thing with friends. My best friend is a woman and she's basically a cousin to me. Also, #2 is necessary in every relationship! Good boundaries may good friendships.
Take it from a woman that has lived 62 years and considered very attractive. No men and women cannot be friends even if the woman wants to keep it platonic, he doesn’t
I mean no offense in asking, but I have to ask this of someone older than myself who says men and women can’t be friends: is it that men are incapable of controlling themselves? Have you experienced that men are incapable of rising above the basal nature of all other living things? That is a bit aggressive, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t strike a nerve in me. I’ve always had trouble making friends with other boys. I never had any friends over, I didn’t hunt or play sports like they did ‘though my generation traded Pokémon cards’ and even then I didn’t participate, and I didn’t like to wrestle or fight. I had mostly girls as friends and we’d sit around under the trees and watch the clouds go by, or talk about animals or anything really. And as I got older it’s admittedly harder to befriend other men. They’re loud, showy, and in todays age most men brag about things I don’t want to hear about. Even among men in religious circles they always delve into topics I know nothing about, so I stand there like a statue until they slowly shift and I can disappear somewhere quiet. I suppose why I’m saying anything at all is more of a personal issue. In that I’ve always felt broken, including making friends with girls and women so easily compared to men. And since you are more experienced and gained more insight than myself. Is it only natural for men to just break down any friendships with women into “can I marry her”? And if that’s the case, I can’t help but wonder if there’s something wrong with me.
@@brandonbreaux1296 Brandon nothing is wrong with you buddy. God created you special, no other human is exactly like you. Who cares if you haven't connected with any men yet. Try local groups for your common interests.
@@brandonbreaux1296 There’s nothing wrong with you and yes I will admit most men are crude loud and rude and apparently you’re above that, except that as a compliment. It’s hard to find a decent person to be friends with male or female I do believe females are a little bit more compassion and care more about friendship than men do.
@@SarahKinner1 It’s very kind of you to say, but I’m not above any of those things. Those behaviors were what I grew up around and made me feel uneasy. So I wanted to try and avoid behaving in those ways that made me feel less like myself and who I wanted to be. Only now it feels I can never be as much as any other man because of it, and so feel like I don’t belong anywhere. Being raised almost exclusively by women, having women as friends makes me feel safe and more free to be who I want to be. Hearing from yet another person saying how men and women can’t be truly life-long friends without it breaking in some way scares me. Not only for my mortal life but what does that say about my immortal self? Am I actually trying to make friends, to be good to others? Or am I just lying to myself and gathering people to comfort myself from the inevitable shattering of said deceptions that I can always perceive but won’t admit? I’m sorry if this is coming off too harsh. It’s more an emotion pouring at this point to be frank.
@@toynoob2051 Well, I’ve tried going to the local mission during a prayer session. I was familiar with them from our church. The door was locked though (and I was early) and they saw me and I tried saying I wanted to get in without making noise, but after 30 minutes no one came to let me in. So I left. Safe to say it dampened my experience a bit. Made seeing them in church a little bitter too. And I can make acquaintances with just about anybody. My grandfather taught me that, he taught me a lot. That said, I’ve always gotten the impression that people in churches and religious groups are a little selective with who they actually make friends with. I’ve tried Bible study but despite the distance I never met the members outside of the readings, so I was always the out of town stranger. I want to meet more people my age of our faith, but I’ve had little luck. And it’s not easy to find them outside of Bible study or mass as, well, you can’t really tell just by looking at someone.
I have a really close guy friend and I'm married. So is he. We maintain boundaries (even though we haven't ever spoken of those boundaries, it is clear we both maintain them). We are never alone together in private spaces being one of them. I share with him, like I would share with one of my girlfriends. But not like I would share with my husband. It seems to me that we are kinda like brother and sister. It seems to work and both our families often catch up all together. I think it can work but it does take prudence!
I watched a video done by Fr. Gregory Pine, OP on the same topic. If you want to watch another take, please do search for it! I enjoyed the video very much and he explains all the more why it would be difficult (but it's possible, at least that's my takeaway..) Looking back on my own life, I have few male best friends for 10 years now, and making boundaries clear is the way to go. They never got to be as intimate as my boyfriend at the time who was discerning marriage together with me on any levels, but we can talk just about anything.
I very much get where you a coming from, but I do think it is individualized to the life stage and maturity of each person. My husband and I have been married nearly 40 years and reconnected with high school friends recently, male and female, some single and some married. We have developed close friendships and I have no problem with him visiting with any of them, nor would he object to me doing the same. At this time in our lives to augment our friend circle with these wonderful people regardless of their sex is a blessing.
Women who work in male dominated fields (and men who work in female dominated fields) had better be able to navigate nonsexual friendships! Fortunately I think this will be easier for the next generation as they will grow up with nearly all their classes and activities being coed.
As a young woman who used to work in a male dominated field (lighting and camera work in film production), the men treated me as nothing but a sexual object almost all the time. So many harassing jokes and comments and there was hardly anything I could do about it. Men don’t see women the same way they see other men. Obviously, but some are more respectful than others. Men who are around mostly other men will often make these kinds of rude and inappropriate comments about women. I’m glad to now work in a different field with more women in it. I feel safer and more listened to.
You can’t be surface level with this. So much depends on the character of those involved. I have personally been involved in and hurt by these types of situations. I was in a long distance marriage. My spouse unbeknownst to me had developed a “ friendship” with a coworker. He never mentioned her in ANY way and yet she was obviously very involved in his life apart from me. It all came to a head later when we once again lived together. He SWEARS it was just a friendship but my sense of reason and intuition tells me otherwise. They are no longer friends. She began to act out like a woman scorned when boundaries were established…. If both parties have integrity, MAYBE. But if Either and God forbid Both are lacking it, boundaries Will Be Crossed. I see nothing wrong with being careful, err on the side of caution. That requires honesty though, with yourself especially. Examine your motives, be transparent with your significant other and exercise good judgment. We should be as selective with our friendships as with finding a spouse. Pray for like minded people to befriend. It’s more important than some ppl are willing to admit.
Well, you can understand how a man's intuition and a woman's will be different. To a man, the physical is essential inasmuch as if his mate cheats on him in that way, he could be raising another man's child for the next 18 years. To a woman, she might more easily forgive a one-time thing as long as he is only actually supporting her and not spending time (which is going to feel like more than just time) with another; as long as it really is one time. And it's easier for a woman to understand the man's point of view (it's pretty concrete) than the other way around when he really is not giving the other woman any tangible support.
Also, I think that women need to be honest and that you cannot have a circle of guys around you and think they don’t have feelings for you, or would jump at the chance to date you. You can call me old fashion, but the only women that I consider friends are those that are the girlfriends and spouses of my Catholic brothers as well as women that I have a working professional relationship with I’m also in my 20s
I believe this is a generalization but I get and agree with the point of being mindful..when you are heterosexuals and have a deep friendship with opposite sex (unless it started as children), then catching feelings is not something surprising, even though it does not always happen
a Man and a Woman can be just friends. they can even be a supportive friends. But I also agree that... it is a fine thin line that cann be easily crossed... And sure there is no formula. The desires and expectations of both parites must be taken into account.
I appreciate such an open, honest, human video topic! My two cents: it's a matter of being mindful with what you're really looking for in others. It's *technically* possible for a man and woman to be close and purely platonic, and it probably happens very often, but you need to be mindful of whether you're truly lustful or not. Don't play with fire, y'know? Be mindful of your own psychology and what things you're subconciously desiring for. It could lead to an affair getting super close to someone if you're already lustful. Love your brothers and sisters as Jesus first loved us!
How about this? There is a girl that I was madly in love with, didn't know her just liked the image of her and even fantasized about a fairytale romance. One year later at her cousin's graduation, I see her again as her cousin is one of my closest friends and I went to the cousin's house to celebrate knowing the woman would be there, she is a nondenominational protestant, she is absolutely beautiful, I do not look at her for the wrong reasons but rather as a woman I can lead to God. I even told her about the Catholic faith, and she said that she does not know the Catholic faith and said she would check it out only if it aligns with her beliefs. I want to show her the correct church which is the Catholic Church in hopes that she can convert to God fully, but if she remains a protestant then, unfortunately, that would be her choice but I will always still be there for her as a brother. I have hopes that she could become Catholic as it is truly something beautiful, and I figured that if she did become Catholic, she could be the one I am called to marry but I do not know God's will exactly, anything can happen as she could say yes or no. I have been stressing day in and day out hoping we can see each other again, but she is going away to a massive university this fall and I will be moving to a Catholic university next year in 2023, and I am worried that I may never see her in a long time which means that I will not be able to share the right faith with her because we will be far away, and I also run the risk of possibly seeing her with a boyfriend when I visit her cousins... Even though she's very nice and treats me well, I overthink things and I am living in fear with "WHAT IF" scenarios because after all, I do love her and I would HATE to suffer from pain... Can anybody help me discern if this friendship is right according to God or if these feelings are actual signs, or if God is using her, a non Catholic to make me a better Catholic (I say that scenario is messed up lol)
Overthinking.. I can relate there and this actually sounds a lot like a situation I was in. A guy I liked who wasn't of any faith and I was the only person around him that did, and I wanted him to know God by "my example", I loved him, I really did, but I also little by little started distancing myself from my faith. I was putting him first above God, I didn't think about it this way in that time because I was in love and i thought how could love be a wrong thing..and how could I leave him when I'm the only one around him who believes in God, like it was up to me to save him.. yet the relationship went down a bad path and I wasnt living like I believed in God anymore. I know now, it was never up to me to make anyone believe, I don't have that power. When God saved Israel from slavery, he basically told them to not mingle with the pagans because they'll want to do the same things as them. We are weak and we maybe underestimate how we can give into sins of the flesh. Also, God calls us to peace. Many times in the bible, we are told not to worry or be anxious. I'm aware the girl you like isn't atheist, however I'd still say it's not up to you to save her. And since there will be distance and if God really does want you to be a part in her life, whether it's short term or long term, and if you love this girl and want her to be saved, the least but most you can do is pray for her. Trust in God, if you are meant to be with her, I'm sure God will make a way. Pray that if you are called to the married life, that God may prepare and your future wife to be steadfast in your faith. It's sweet that you like this girl and want to show her God, but it's alot more of a slippery slope than we realize. Also, if you have Instagram, id recommend to follow the account @masculinerevival It's quite literally what the name suggests, and the guy behind it is Christian.
Yeah don’t do the flirt to convert thing. Date her and let evangelization come naturally if you want. You could also evangelize as a good friend. Just showing her the solid foundation, answering questions and talking about that stuff. But you should be friends first anyways. Seek first the Kingdom and the rest comes after, man.
Remember that we do not save others, even if they're in the "wrong" church. Jesus is the *only* one who saves. We can only evangelize when the Holy Spirit has already opened the person's heart to His message (Gospel.) That is why having virtuous friendships and living an authentic Catholic life is the best way to evangelize. Ex. I pray before my meals and display my favorite prayers in my work cubicle so I remember to pray throughout my work day. It's funny because my co-workers end up keeping me accountable: if I forget to pray before my meal, they're quick to call me out on it. Or, if they are in a low point or are struggling they come to me for prayers, encouragement, and/or wisdom from the faith. It's not our job to change people's minds about the Catholic faith, it's God's job to change their hearts as He wills it. We are then called to witness and guide this person on the journey *only if they ask us for help.* If they don't ask, we can't force their evangelization/conversions. (Context: I taught RCIT for 13 years.) If this friend of yours is doing well in her faith and she finds spiritual nourishment where she is (i.e. she finds God in her faith), you don't need to "convert" her to the Catholic Church. It already means that God is with her. Remember, a person must exercise his/her free will to make his/her decision to join the Church. From your description, I think that you have a crush on this woman, which is why you are attracted to her and do not want to see her with another man. However, if she doesn't return your feelings, then, you have to move on and trust that God is working in her as well. I know it's easier said than done. I suggest lifting up your thoughts and feelings on this and surrender them to God. If you trust God then you know that whether you end up with this woman or not, you will be happy. If you never see this woman again, be happy that she has God in her life at present. Jesus will save her, as necessary, not you (or anyone else.) My experience with the students I've taught is: those who convert or become Catholic for the wrong reasons (ex. their family is forcing them to be Catholic, their boyfriend/girlfriend is Catholic, and/or they want to be part of a social group in the church, etc) often lose their way or leave the church. Some have returned to the faith by the grace of God, while others are still on their journey home. I also suggest that you speak with a trusted spiritual director or priest about this, they give great practical advice and they can journey with you while you discern if the emotions you have are from God or from your own desires/will. May God always be with you, brother!
Well, if you cannot love her how she is now, you will never love her when she is like you want her to be. Love is unconditionally. You already believe both in Jesus that is a good start. The denomination is an important question but it is never a good sign to date someone and want to convert the one. The balance in the relationship is then messed up. You have to accept her the way she is now. The rest is a question of the will of God. And feelings are never a sign that the other person is the right one. It can be a hint but feelings are much too superficial and they come and go with the time. Connection, getting to know the other one and spending time together becoming friends and then deciding for each other is a good foundation.
Why must we sexualize everyone? Men and women are different. There is so much to be learned or simply to be experienced by friendship with someone from the opposite sex. I find this idea of men and women can’t just be friends insane. Yes there are nuances, but the friendships should be advocated for on the whole
I don't know, being a female I found it really hard to maintain female friendships. You open up and they use it against you later down the road. I have never had that "female" support or experienced the "sisterhood" that everyone always talks about. Whenever I looked towards another female for help or support - even emotional - I was told "you're intelligent, you don't need my help/advice, I'm doing you a favor and making you stronger by NOT being there for you and they never have time to listen when I NEED to talk, but have no problem turning to me when THEY need the emotional support (so unreliable). Not so much with male friends, now there are things I can't talk to them about, but I can at least have some sort of connection.
I feel like male friends are only like that towards women because they have primal instincts to provide and take care of women which stems back to either familial or romantic relationships.
I say no - for obvious reasons. He even said that ultimately he or his female friend would “catch feelings”. Then being hyper vigilant about boundaries - again because of the obvious reasons. How about just making friends with same sex and making things more clear to everyone
This is very male perspective. It isn't that uncommon for men and women to be friends. There are lots of non evidence based generalizations about the sexes in this video. Sorry you had so many crushes on people you called friends. That's not her fault.
That’s partly the point though. A lot of times the man is the one that catches feelings whereas the woman sees it as purely platonic, though as he stated even in his experience it was vice versa. But yeah typically dudes catch feelings for a variety of reasons. It’s literally a meme at this point how men are so starved for affection that basic decency can make them fall for a woman. I think his point about boundaries is fair
In the video, he specifically said that it IS possible for men and women to be friends but that there are nuances about it, so be prudent. He’s a dude so, no surprises he would speak from a male perspective but he was also quite fair and balanced. Just because he didn’t cite sources on typical attributes to men and women, doesn’t mean it’s not true or that his views are invalid. I don’t see why the snarky comment, esp. at the end. It seems to me he’s not against the idea but that we ought to be smart about it so we don’t make things messy and confusing.
I think as a man that he is accurate about how men are in friendships with women. And I’m 1000% sure if a guy tries that same thing motional connection with his female friend while dating that the fiancée or spouse will have a HUGE issue with this. Our brain chemistry is very different than women. It’s not a social construct- it’s a biological difference. We do not become emotionally close with a woman as a friend and then turn around and give that same emotional energy to a woman we are dating. The physical attraction does indeed drive our desire to be emotionally intimate. Women who naturally neurologically engage with their emotions first are able to interact with both men and women on this level without physical attraction. But men’s brains don’t work like that. Science on this one. Men don’t generally desire a long list of acquaintances they open up to. We generally seek a much smaller circle. Our close circle of male friend(s), Dad and our significant other. A guy who is pouring emotional energy into an unreciprocated friendship with a woman has resigned himself to the friendzone or is hoping beyond hope that the woman will actually change her mind. She won’t. Friendship for a woman is safer than a relationship. She controls the pursuance of a man in this way. She can get her emotional needs met without the complicated work of maintaining a romance level commitment.
God has taken everything from me. All the wisdom of church and bible run through my brain and I keep doing it all wrong. Because my mind understands but I don't do as I ought. So happiness was yesterday. When I was a kid and not every move was a sin. I'm convinced that the catholic believe is the only truth. But it's just a constant struggle. Being 24 years old I feel like 80 inside. Because I know the answers to my questions but can't follow them.
gay men are friends with each other and are expected to be celibate so why wouldnt men and women be allowed the same if the celibacy is the same expectation?
0:21 Equality is non-existent in this phenomenal sphere. Equality exists in abstract ideas such as mathematics and arguably on the sub-atomic level ALONE.🤓 UNFORTUNATELY, it requires an intelligence quotient above double-digits in order to be able to comprehend such truthful concepts. 😛
I disagree. Not everyone is a sexual being. I don't have very many female friends because I can't relate to them. They don't tend to talk about anything important. I hate small talk . My guy friends and I talk a lot of theology and phylosaphy. It's just different. My personality clashes with other women. Not everyone is the same.
Short answer: yea Long answer: absolutely people can be friends of any gender. Even if you’re just focusing on maybe they’ll become romantically attracted to each other, being attracted to a specific gender does not mean attraction to everyone of that gender. Even if someone is attracted to the other does not mean that they will ever act on it.
This is very stupid. I have many men “best” friends, who are in love and committed to their wives. Of course there is a kind of distance, and their brotherly and sisterly closeness. Of course a real friendship with our male friends implies that we have to become friends with their wives. It’s true! But emotional friendship is not the same as romantic love. Why do we have these stupid fake things in catholic circles where they are obviously not true outside the church. That means that they are not true. Friendship with members of the opposite sex are NOT adultery. It’s silly. Ps: guess who is supposed to be our best friend…. No, not your spouse… guess more… focus… yah, it’s the Lord Jesus. He’s the true best friend. The only true friend.
I cut ties with a female friend yesterday. I liked her based on just looking at her picture. But with time and conversation I realized I actually like this person as a friend... but the emotion I had for her.. It wasnt love.. it was desire maybe.. desire to see her.. i sound toxic dont I.. she lived in New Zealand I live in LA... I miss her man.... but I had to cut ties..
Greetings Brother Tanner, Thanks for the Thoughtful Message which distinguish the fact that FRIENDSHIP CARES AND ROMANTIC LOVE RELATES WITH SOUL. P.S - Social Secular Relatives Overstepped into my Privacy a few years back. Moved on. At present stage permitted to reach only through Family social media forum. With regards with Prayers to All, RanjithJoseph (R.J)
I didn't like this, I really don't like the way that Tanner described the natural progress of two people towards a loving marriage as a death to oneself, and a very tragic act of self sacrifice. As a single Catholic man I would like advice on marriage from a godly husband, not another single dude,Tanner can't advise me on marriage he doesn't know any better than I do!
One can find emotional connection, deep friendship, with a person of the opposite sex. It's important to cultivate healthy relationships with everyone. It's dangerous and I feel it's also unhealthy to say we can't have such friendship by design.
Your voice keeps cracking? Sometimes my voice makes me feel like im bonnie tyler, lol you could light a match off my throat. On a night out a friend of mine said his mouth was so dry his tounge felt like Gandhi's flip flop..very funny, same guy told me his house mate is so stingy that he keeps a fork in the sugar bowl . The voice Comes in handy for karaoke night . Turn around...every now then i feel a little bit lonely like your never coming round.
@Rib_Guy_101 when men hang around a woman especially long term, they want a relationship with her she just not sure if she will reciprocate, unless he's a gay man as the only exception to the rule
@@rogersmithh yes, but guys know and understand when other straight men chose to continue being around a woman, it's because he's attracted to her, and she's fully aware that he is attracted to her, and if she starts seeing another man for a relationship, that man like all others are territorial, they don't want another man around her in any capacity, the only reason a woman keeps other men around her after establishing a relationship with a man, is because she's not really interested in him all that much, if he's a strong provider and protector ( alpha male) she will not bother with other men at all
Well I am that example. My deepest friendship lasts for 15 years and counting, and he is a guy. He has beed in a very healthy relationship for the last year (and counting) with a wonderful woman and non of us had ever had a problem with anything in this friendship. It is logical that his girl is now in the first place for him and of course we don't hear each other as much as we did, also now he has her to discuss his things, but our friendship has transitioned very naturally and I know that I can still count on him, as I did before.
That relationship is the deepest and still growing friendship =) I have been very blessed by it.
Finally a Christian channel on the Internet that actually feels like it's ran by real people, who actually understand modern struggles instead of sounding like robots.
Don't believe everything you HEAR. 👂
@@ReverendDr.Thomas don't be jealous.
@@rebn8346, Good Girl! 👌
Incidentally, Slave, are you VEGAN? 🌱
@@ReverendDr.Thomas it seems you must be some kind of fundamentalist.
When talking to Catholics, they are like those Muslims when they talk to Jews, can't control their disrespect and hate, name calling. It almost seems demonic, that hate the spews forth.
Ask again with Christ-like Charity, "Reverend".
Ehhhhh I feel like we're missing the nuance of genuine platonic friendships. There are many, many instances of male-female friendships within the saints and I think that's the telling that those friendships can be holy and virtuous. A lot of it comes down to if you're having a convo with a friend of the opposite gender that you wouldn't be comfortable with your significant other knowing about, you're crossing a line.
The term “FRIEND” implies equality.
How can a man and a woman be EQUALS?
Equality is non-existent in this phenomenal sphere. Equality exists in abstract ideas such as mathematics and arguably on the sub-atomic level ALONE.🤓
UNFORTUNATELY, it requires an intelligence quotient above double-digits in order to be able to comprehend such truthful concepts. 😛
They also didn't spend too much exclusive time and set careful boundaries. Emotional affairs are far more common for women.
St Francis and St Clare only saw each other once a year. Yes, saints had friends of the opposite sex, and they also put boundaries 😊
Two of my very best friends are men that I work with. We have wonderful theological discussions and we rely on each other for emotional support all the time. My husband and I hang out with them and their wives often. They are both men of God and are like brothers to me. I also have very close friends that are women and are like sisters. I’m very open about the conversations that I have with my male friends with my husband and I’m careful to make sure that there is no jealousy and hard feelings. My husband is my number one BFF, always!
I believe to you they are only friends because you are not attracted to them. I wonder if they respond the same way if asked that question.
The fundamental issue you're running into is this: women are socialized to rely on their friends for emotional support, while men are socialized to rely only on their romantic partner for emotional support. This leads to misunderstandings where a guy who offers emotional support for a female friend feels like he's doing the duties of a boyfriend while his friend sees their relationship as fundamentally similar to her friendships with other women. She's not trying to lead him on or take advantage of him; she just doesn't realize that his perception differs from hers.
Really, though, we do men a disservice here. We *should* be able to rely on our friends for emotional support! We *should* be able to be there for each other without feeling a Pavlovian response towards romance, because humans are more than mere animals bound to have carnal thoughts at every ring of the bell.
The love between friends is not a lesser form of the love between spouses, but rather a wholly separate form of love. You should be friends with your spouse, but you needn't have romantic feelings for your friends. You can just enjoy each other's company, laugh together during the good times and support each other during bad. Friends can go years without speaking and then pick right back up where they left off.
Men and women can absolutely be friends. It's especially easy when you aren't each other's type, but really it's just a matter of choosing how you want them in your life, and vice versa. We have more control over who we love and how we love them than you think.
I see what you're speaking of, but I think this is only really a problem because, sadly, nowadays many people don't have real friends. I think the reason why men don't like to talk about emotional stuff with their friends is because they only really have acquaintances, in which case it's normal. I've never had a problem relying on my male friends for emotional support and I've never had a problem giving them emotional support. However, I've always been very picky when it comes to friends, because I'm more of an introvert, so I hate superficial small talk. It may seem counter-intuitive at first, because avoiding small talk can look like being a way to become lonely, but in my experience, it's a great filter to find people you're compatible with on a deeper level. In fact, I used to be a loner as a teenager because of this, but later in life, it helped me establishing good friendships.
Honestly, I blame school and pop culture for this. The mixture is what leads to the loneliness epidemic. At school, many people learn that the only way to get "friends" is to be "popular" and the only way to be "popular" is to be immersed in pop culture, which is extremely superficial and dumb. This approach may work at school, but later, it makes people unable to form deeper friendships, because they still rely on their mask they formed back at school.
WOW!!! First time I've ever heard someone speak on this topic!! Priests should be sharing this and it definitely should be addressed in marriage prep! And I love that you expressed TWO kinds of infidelity!!!. Physical is easy for people to 'Know" it's wrong.
Emotional intimacy with someone outside the marriage is a very slippery slope and some people feign innocence forever!! The other partner knows it's going on , but doesn't know how to voice the concern or stop it. NOW , I have confirmation that Emotional infidelity is not just something I made up! Thank you!
I suspect plenty of women commit emotional infidelity who would never dream of the physical 😕
@@ChiakiNanami736 I know that's true. But , moreover, there are men who are incredibly intimate with women other than wife...other
than wife. But , " cover their butts" because they aren't having sex-- though they give their heart and soul to other women. So men need to get this concept too!! Especially those who believe in old fashioned/ traditional male/ female roles in marriage.
Why yes, I’ve been friendzoned many times 💀
Same here same here
My best friend of 20 years is female. She’s basically my sister at this point, my kids even call her aunt Donna.
Your best friend isn't your wife?
@@justsomevids4541 exactly, my husband is my best friend. All others are secondary and friendships, not 'best' friendships. The best man or woman is your spouse.
@@hopefull61256 i just found one of the other guy's comments where he recommends people shouldn't get married and rather stay single in order to be more fulfilled...
Tragic, i could only speculate.
But im glad your best friend is your husband! It's certainly ideal and im thrilled to hear that! 😊
@@justsomevids4541 people do get tired of their spouses. For some people their spouse can be a source of suffering. Not implying that the OP is suffering from such a situation, but not everyone can have the privilege of tagging their spouse as the 'best friend'.
How do you know she did not caught the feelings?
He’s not wrong.
My relationship with a man I’ve befriended a few months ago has been really deep and there’s a ridiculously strong emotional connection.
We say we’re friends. But, I definitely am aware that there’s an opportunity for more. We’ve both acknowledged it. But, we are friends.
Currently.
So what happened? You got me curious for the ending 😆
100% agree with everything you said.
1- There has to be zero attraction between the two
2- You're just setting yourself up for failure anyway because when you do have a relationship, your partner might get jealous or build resentment because of it.
3- I don't think it's a good idea to be friends with people of the opposite sex. Someone is eventually going to develop feelings for the other.
This is a very interesting question can men and women be just friends and for me personally the answer is yes you can have male friends in your life where you both respect each other, you set boundaries in place and there is really no sexual connection or sexual interests involved you see these friends as brothers .
Yes, of course. Love and friendship are above any fleeting romantic spark. Do we actually care about the person and willing their good or are we focused on fulfilling fleeting romantic desires?
I believe we can be friends and have no desire towards each other
Okay buddy, text your friend of the opposite sex and tell them that you’re developing feelings.
Thank you, I need it as a single person. Hope ascension will have more of this video for single persons 🙏🏻
After all the broken friendships I had with my female friends...
What I learned from this video: The moment two good friends who aren't of the same sex open about emotional thoughts, the first red flag; they should be talking about this to their friends(of the same sex). Because listening to this, I'm crossing some boundaries.
By doing this I'm saving mine and their emotional state of mind.
I think that friendships between the opposite sex can happen, but there has to be solid boundaries. It's also important to identify why you're just friends and will never be more. Ex. Most of my platonic male friendships are because we share common interests in movies, sports, trades/construction, or some other creative activity (i.e. building/fixing stuff.) I like discussing and debating (basically nerding out) on a topic that most of my female friends have no interest in or knowledge on.
However, when it comes to my platonic male friends coming to me for advice or sharing deeper, more intimate emotions, I always refer them to each other (another mutual male friend), or, to their girlfriend/wife (if they have one.) I do it to protect their dignity as well as mine: I am not a repository for other people's emotions!
I can sometimes give an outside point of view, but, ultimately encourage them to go to someone else who is more knowledgeable, or, encourage them to work through the problem with their girlfriend/wife. But, when it comes to asking me what their girlfriend/wife would want for her birthday, anniversary, etc, I can give that advice because I have gift ideas for most of my friends already, and/or, their girlfriends/wives already told me what to tell them when they ask.
Another rule for I have for platonic opposite-sex friendships I have is: I don't go out with this friend alone (even if their significant other knows about it.) I always drag out (an)other friend(s), his girlfriend/wife, or a family member to come with us. Again, this is to ensure that the lines between platonic and more than friends will never be crossed (even if we only see each other as friends.)
I love my platonic male friendships. I've learned a lot from these friends and, if protected amd preserved, it really is a gift.
Is there something (psychologically or morally) wrong with a man who feels more comfortable around women? Who never really felt comfortable or even safe around other boys or men. Feeling like he was walking on eggshells around them. And if he was around any he felt some comfort with he always found himself insignificant beside them. As he wasn’t strong, he wasn’t fast, he wasn’t coordinated, he wasn’t smart, he wasn’t skilled, he wasn’t loud, he wasn’t bold, he wasn’t like them in so many ways. He just was. And the way he was made him all the more aware of his preordained brokenness.
I guess I have no authority to answer this, but from what I know there can be no feelings or attractions that are morally wrong. For something to be moral, it has to be an action, something you intentionally do or don't do (I believe thoughts can also be moral (good or bad) if you consent on having those thought. Therefore, there is nothing morally wrong for a man to feel more comfortably around women than men. I know almost nothing about psicology and would therefore have no idea how to define good or bad psicologically speaking, let alone know if this particular situation fits into any of those.
As a fairly effeminate guy myself raised with 3 sisters and basically no father, I don't think it's a "moral wrong" to feel more at home around women, but I do think there were psychological oversights in my upbringing that led to me turning out this way. I'm more emotions-based and empathetic and a mediator, lacking the physical strength and endurance my male friends seem to have. It doesn't mean I don't get along with them, in fact we have lots of fun and do work together, but my deeper interests are just more into more abstract things like literature--and theology!
The Bible lays out what makes a good man and husband: protecting and cherishing your wife, being a leader and kind authority for your family, being selfless and sacrificial. These things don't necessarily demand physical strength, they just demands dedication and will and faith.
Personally, I'm slowly working on making myself more assertive and brave and able to stand up in situations and be the type leader I look up to. Therapy and classes such as the ones Jordan Peterson does are pretty big helps to me. Ultimately, any good man's strength comes from God. I often ask the Holy Spirit to come into me and help make me the man I want to be for my future wife, if that is my calling.
@@javieralvarez2787 thank you. That said I will confess I wasn’t exactly thinking as clearly as I would have liked making this. So I apologize to anyone for it and take what responsibility comes of this. So far I’m grateful for what I’ve gained from strangers. So thank you for your time.
One thing I do disagree with (and I’ll need to find the exact source to get back to you on it or correct myself) but I don’t think that thoughts in themselves are moral. If I recall correctly Saint Thomas Aquinas reasoned that thoughts come and go in our minds and leave just as quickly. What makes a thought moral or immoral is how we act upon those ideas or choose to give them no action. An exception being if we dwell on thoughts that in action would be immoral or sinful, entertaining those ideas more than thinking and acting in a way that brings us closer to God.
Don’t quote me on this, I’m only recalling. If I’m wrong please correct me to anyone that recalls more completely.
@@sandstorm7768 thank you very much for sharing. It really means a lot to hear from others in similar standing. I won’t deny that I’m a bit hesitant of therapy, so I tried to read up on psychology, philosophy, and theology on my own to try and discern things; but I guess there’s only so much a person can do on their own.
@@Xymage I won’t say you’re wrong, so there’s likely credence for this thank you. And while I wasn’t thinking clearly with this comment I will take responsibility for it. And part of that is admitting that I do often think poorly of myself.
I will defend myself in that I don’t “loathe” myself. I have had an acute awareness however (either by my own recognition or by being directly told by others) of how unlike other people and especially other boys I was. And how unlike my father I was when I was his age. He’d say how long he was in baseball, how prolific of a hunter he was, how he was and still is able to lift so much in comparison to me. I liked reading books (the older the better), observing things, and art where others boys and even girls would play sports, hunt, and ride ATVs like jousting horses. I never fit in, and I was always reminded of it. So it did leave me wondering if there was always something wrong with me.
Either way, it’s no excuse for losing my patience. And it’s no one else’s responsibility but mine. And I try to keep myself in that mindset that I can do better, but then feeling like better is never in my capacity to reach. If that makes sense.
of course they can, especially when you guys are raised as siblings
"Friends can be friends without speaking and then pick right back up where they left off." So very true ❤ and the whole comment is just gold.
Men and women can be friends in group settings but not 1 on 1.
This
Agree
Agree
Can men and women have relationships that are purely platonic? I would say yes, BUT - 1) Not if there are any romantic feelings - either it has to become that or the friendship dies, 2) You do need boundaries - especially if one of you is in a couple, and 3) Don’t do ANYTHING alone - eating out, meeting for coffee, hanging out at home - that looks like something that a romantic couple would do.
If #1 is true, then #3 is way overkill. If you can control yourself around family members of the opposite gender (for whom you presumably have no romantic feelings), you can do the same thing with friends. My best friend is a woman and she's basically a cousin to me.
Also, #2 is necessary in every relationship! Good boundaries may good friendships.
Exactly!
Take it from a woman that has lived 62 years and considered very attractive. No men and women cannot be friends even if the woman wants to keep it platonic, he doesn’t
I mean no offense in asking, but I have to ask this of someone older than myself who says men and women can’t be friends: is it that men are incapable of controlling themselves? Have you experienced that men are incapable of rising above the basal nature of all other living things?
That is a bit aggressive, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t strike a nerve in me. I’ve always had trouble making friends with other boys. I never had any friends over, I didn’t hunt or play sports like they did ‘though my generation traded Pokémon cards’ and even then I didn’t participate, and I didn’t like to wrestle or fight. I had mostly girls as friends and we’d sit around under the trees and watch the clouds go by, or talk about animals or anything really. And as I got older it’s admittedly harder to befriend other men. They’re loud, showy, and in todays age most men brag about things I don’t want to hear about. Even among men in religious circles they always delve into topics I know nothing about, so I stand there like a statue until they slowly shift and I can disappear somewhere quiet.
I suppose why I’m saying anything at all is more of a personal issue. In that I’ve always felt broken, including making friends with girls and women so easily compared to men. And since you are more experienced and gained more insight than myself. Is it only natural for men to just break down any friendships with women into “can I marry her”? And if that’s the case, I can’t help but wonder if there’s something wrong with me.
@@brandonbreaux1296 Brandon nothing is wrong with you buddy. God created you special, no other human is exactly like you. Who cares if you haven't connected with any men yet. Try local groups for your common interests.
@@brandonbreaux1296 There’s nothing wrong with you and yes I will admit most men are crude loud and rude and apparently you’re above that, except that as a compliment. It’s hard to find a decent person to be friends with male or female I do believe females are a little bit more compassion and care more about friendship than men do.
@@SarahKinner1 It’s very kind of you to say, but I’m not above any of those things. Those behaviors were what I grew up around and made me feel uneasy. So I wanted to try and avoid behaving in those ways that made me feel less like myself and who I wanted to be. Only now it feels I can never be as much as any other man because of it, and so feel like I don’t belong anywhere. Being raised almost exclusively by women, having women as friends makes me feel safe and more free to be who I want to be. Hearing from yet another person saying how men and women can’t be truly life-long friends without it breaking in some way scares me. Not only for my mortal life but what does that say about my immortal self? Am I actually trying to make friends, to be good to others? Or am I just lying to myself and gathering people to comfort myself from the inevitable shattering of said deceptions that I can always perceive but won’t admit?
I’m sorry if this is coming off too harsh. It’s more an emotion pouring at this point to be frank.
@@toynoob2051 Well, I’ve tried going to the local mission during a prayer session. I was familiar with them from our church. The door was locked though (and I was early) and they saw me and I tried saying I wanted to get in without making noise, but after 30 minutes no one came to let me in. So I left. Safe to say it dampened my experience a bit. Made seeing them in church a little bitter too.
And I can make acquaintances with just about anybody. My grandfather taught me that, he taught me a lot. That said, I’ve always gotten the impression that people in churches and religious groups are a little selective with who they actually make friends with. I’ve tried Bible study but despite the distance I never met the members outside of the readings, so I was always the out of town stranger. I want to meet more people my age of our faith, but I’ve had little luck. And it’s not easy to find them outside of Bible study or mass as, well, you can’t really tell just by looking at someone.
Saying that man and woman can’t be friends just shows you’re objectifying men / women and you can’t see anything deeper in them as a person.
I have a really close guy friend and I'm married. So is he. We maintain boundaries (even though we haven't ever spoken of those boundaries, it is clear we both maintain them). We are never alone together in private spaces being one of them. I share with him, like I would share with one of my girlfriends. But not like I would share with my husband. It seems to me that we are kinda like brother and sister. It seems to work and both our families often catch up all together. I think it can work but it does take prudence!
I watched a video done by Fr. Gregory Pine, OP on the same topic. If you want to watch another take, please do search for it! I enjoyed the video very much and he explains all the more why it would be difficult (but it's possible, at least that's my takeaway..)
Looking back on my own life, I have few male best friends for 10 years now, and making boundaries clear is the way to go. They never got to be as intimate as my boyfriend at the time who was discerning marriage together with me on any levels, but we can talk just about anything.
I very much get where you a coming from, but I do think it is individualized to the life stage and maturity of each person. My husband and I have been married nearly 40 years and reconnected with high school friends recently, male and female, some single and some married. We have developed close friendships and I have no problem with him visiting with any of them, nor would he object to me doing the same. At this time in our lives to augment our friend circle with these wonderful people regardless of their sex is a blessing.
Women who work in male dominated fields (and men who work in female dominated fields) had better be able to navigate nonsexual friendships! Fortunately I think this will be easier for the next generation as they will grow up with nearly all their classes and activities being coed.
As a young woman who used to work in a male dominated field (lighting and camera work in film production), the men treated me as nothing but a sexual object almost all the time. So many harassing jokes and comments and there was hardly anything I could do about it. Men don’t see women the same way they see other men. Obviously, but some are more respectful than others. Men who are around mostly other men will often make these kinds of rude and inappropriate comments about women. I’m glad to now work in a different field with more women in it. I feel safer and more listened to.
Great conversation! I agree with that perspective completely. Is tricky but very necessary to have clarity there.
What about sibling-like friendships?
You can’t be surface level with this. So much depends on the character of those involved. I have personally been involved in and hurt by these types of situations. I was in a long distance marriage. My spouse unbeknownst to me had developed a “ friendship” with a coworker. He never mentioned her in ANY way and yet she was obviously very involved in his life apart from me. It all came to a head later when we once again lived together. He SWEARS it was just a friendship but my sense of reason and intuition tells me otherwise. They are no longer friends. She began to act out like a woman scorned when boundaries were established….
If both parties have integrity, MAYBE. But if Either and God forbid Both are lacking it, boundaries Will Be Crossed.
I see nothing wrong with being careful, err on the side of caution. That requires honesty though, with yourself especially. Examine your motives, be transparent with your significant other and exercise good judgment. We should be as selective with our friendships as with finding a spouse. Pray for like minded people to befriend. It’s more important than some ppl are willing to admit.
Well, you can understand how a man's intuition and a woman's will be different.
To a man, the physical is essential inasmuch as if his mate cheats on him in that way, he could be raising another man's child for the next 18 years.
To a woman, she might more easily forgive a one-time thing as long as he is only actually supporting her and not spending time (which is going to feel like more than just time) with another; as long as it really is one time.
And it's easier for a woman to understand the man's point of view (it's pretty concrete) than the other way around when he really is not giving the other woman any tangible support.
I didnt watch yet but my answer s “absolutely”! Almost 50 years!!!!!
I am a married female and I would be lost without my girlfriends !!!
What a confidence! I just watched Matt Walsh's video on the same topic.
Im with tanner 100%
Keep spreading the message, and God Bless You!
You could end up confusing that friendship. What if you marry a friend you don't love?
I'm not dating any woman that would insist on hanging out with her male friends one on one if we are in a relationship. It's simply a sign of respect.
Thank you.
Basically, the answer is No
lovely video, thank you - please send the link to the Jack & Bobby video
Also, I think that women need to be honest and that you cannot have a circle of guys around you and think they don’t have feelings for you, or would jump at the chance to date you.
You can call me old fashion, but the only women that I consider friends are those that are the girlfriends and spouses of my Catholic brothers as well as women that I have a working professional relationship with
I’m also in my 20s
Great topic!
I fully agree! Thanks for the video!
I believe this is a generalization but I get and agree with the point of being mindful..when you are heterosexuals and have a deep friendship with opposite sex (unless it started as children), then catching feelings is not something surprising, even though it does not always happen
Thank you, Tanner. You have such good insights.
a Man and a Woman can be just friends. they can even be a supportive friends. But I also agree that... it is a fine thin line that cann be easily crossed... And sure there is no formula. The desires and expectations of both parites must be taken into account.
i and my old bestfriends, we all never had feeling toward each other for sure and real and also we've promised, and we can
I’m the only woman I know who’s been friendzoned, let alone so often…
Well said thank you for this video.
GREAT video thank you!!!
Thank you very much!
Wauw! This is so good!!
I appreciate such an open, honest, human video topic! My two cents: it's a matter of being mindful with what you're really looking for in others. It's *technically* possible for a man and woman to be close and purely platonic, and it probably happens very often, but you need to be mindful of whether you're truly lustful or not. Don't play with fire, y'know? Be mindful of your own psychology and what things you're subconciously desiring for. It could lead to an affair getting super close to someone if you're already lustful.
Love your brothers and sisters as Jesus first loved us!
I agree with the speaker
Thanks
How about this? There is a girl that I was madly in love with, didn't know her just liked the image of her and even fantasized about a fairytale romance. One year later at her cousin's graduation, I see her again as her cousin is one of my closest friends and I went to the cousin's house to celebrate knowing the woman would be there, she is a nondenominational protestant, she is absolutely beautiful, I do not look at her for the wrong reasons but rather as a woman I can lead to God. I even told her about the Catholic faith, and she said that she does not know the Catholic faith and said she would check it out only if it aligns with her beliefs. I want to show her the correct church which is the Catholic Church in hopes that she can convert to God fully, but if she remains a protestant then, unfortunately, that would be her choice but I will always still be there for her as a brother. I have hopes that she could become Catholic as it is truly something beautiful, and I figured that if she did become Catholic, she could be the one I am called to marry but I do not know God's will exactly, anything can happen as she could say yes or no. I have been stressing day in and day out hoping we can see each other again, but she is going away to a massive university this fall and I will be moving to a Catholic university next year in 2023, and I am worried that I may never see her in a long time which means that I will not be able to share the right faith with her because we will be far away, and I also run the risk of possibly seeing her with a boyfriend when I visit her cousins... Even though she's very nice and treats me well, I overthink things and I am living in fear with "WHAT IF" scenarios because after all, I do love her and I would HATE to suffer from pain... Can anybody help me discern if this friendship is right according to God or if these feelings are actual signs, or if God is using her, a non Catholic to make me a better Catholic (I say that scenario is messed up lol)
Overthinking.. I can relate there and this actually sounds a lot like a situation I was in. A guy I liked who wasn't of any faith and I was the only person around him that did, and I wanted him to know God by "my example", I loved him, I really did, but I also little by little started distancing myself from my faith.
I was putting him first above God, I didn't think about it this way in that time because I was in love and i thought how could love be a wrong thing..and how could I leave him when I'm the only one around him who believes in God, like it was up to me to save him.. yet the relationship went down a bad path and I wasnt living like I believed in God anymore.
I know now, it was never up to me to make anyone believe, I don't have that power. When God saved Israel from slavery, he basically told them to not mingle with the pagans because they'll want to do the same things as them. We are weak and we maybe underestimate how we can give into sins of the flesh.
Also, God calls us to peace. Many times in the bible, we are told not to worry or be anxious.
I'm aware the girl you like isn't atheist, however I'd still say it's not up to you to save her. And since there will be distance and if God really does want you to be a part in her life, whether it's short term or long term, and if you love this girl and want her to be saved, the least but most you can do is pray for her. Trust in God, if you are meant to be with her, I'm sure God will make a way. Pray that if you are called to the married life, that God may prepare and your future wife to be steadfast in your faith.
It's sweet that you like this girl and want to show her God, but it's alot more of a slippery slope than we realize.
Also, if you have Instagram, id recommend to follow the account @masculinerevival
It's quite literally what the name suggests, and the guy behind it is Christian.
Yeah don’t do the flirt to convert thing. Date her and let evangelization come naturally if you want. You could also evangelize as a good friend. Just showing her the solid foundation, answering questions and talking about that stuff. But you should be friends first anyways.
Seek first the Kingdom and the rest comes after, man.
Remember that we do not save others, even if they're in the "wrong" church. Jesus is the *only* one who saves. We can only evangelize when the Holy Spirit has already opened the person's heart to His message (Gospel.) That is why having virtuous friendships and living an authentic Catholic life is the best way to evangelize.
Ex. I pray before my meals and display my favorite prayers in my work cubicle so I remember to pray throughout my work day. It's funny because my co-workers end up keeping me accountable: if I forget to pray before my meal, they're quick to call me out on it. Or, if they are in a low point or are struggling they come to me for prayers, encouragement, and/or wisdom from the faith. It's not our job to change people's minds about the Catholic faith, it's God's job to change their hearts as He wills it. We are then called to witness and guide this person on the journey *only if they ask us for help.* If they don't ask, we can't force their evangelization/conversions. (Context: I taught RCIT for 13 years.)
If this friend of yours is doing well in her faith and she finds spiritual nourishment where she is (i.e. she finds God in her faith), you don't need to "convert" her to the Catholic Church. It already means that God is with her. Remember, a person must exercise his/her free will to make his/her decision to join the Church.
From your description, I think that you have a crush on this woman, which is why you are attracted to her and do not want to see her with another man. However, if she doesn't return your feelings, then, you have to move on and trust that God is working in her as well. I know it's easier said than done. I suggest lifting up your thoughts and feelings on this and surrender them to God. If you trust God then you know that whether you end up with this woman or not, you will be happy. If you never see this woman again, be happy that she has God in her life at present. Jesus will save her, as necessary, not you (or anyone else.)
My experience with the students I've taught is: those who convert or become Catholic for the wrong reasons (ex. their family is forcing them to be Catholic, their boyfriend/girlfriend is Catholic, and/or they want to be part of a social group in the church, etc) often lose their way or leave the church. Some have returned to the faith by the grace of God, while others are still on their journey home.
I also suggest that you speak with a trusted spiritual director or priest about this, they give great practical advice and they can journey with you while you discern if the emotions you have are from God or from your own desires/will.
May God always be with you, brother!
Well, if you cannot love her how she is now, you will never love her when she is like you want her to be.
Love is unconditionally. You already believe both in Jesus that is a good start. The denomination is an important question but it is never a good sign to date someone and want to convert the one.
The balance in the relationship is then messed up. You have to accept her the way she is now. The rest is a question of the will of God.
And feelings are never a sign that the other person is the right one. It can be a hint but feelings are much too superficial and they come and go with the time.
Connection, getting to know the other one and spending time together becoming friends and then deciding for each other is a good foundation.
Catholicism is false
Why must we sexualize everyone? Men and women are different. There is so much to be learned or simply to be experienced by friendship with someone from the opposite sex.
I find this idea of men and women can’t just be friends insane. Yes there are nuances, but the friendships should be advocated for on the whole
Boundaries need to be established always with Big Love🕊🙏🏼 Buds need to be nipped for growth🤩🕊🙏🏼♥️♥️♥️✌️🦋
I don't think so matter of fact I say No!!! No!!! No!!!
Great topic and presentation!
I don't know, being a female I found it really hard to maintain female friendships. You open up and they use it against you later down the road. I have never had that "female" support or experienced the "sisterhood" that everyone always talks about. Whenever I looked towards another female for help or support - even emotional - I was told "you're intelligent, you don't need my help/advice, I'm doing you a favor and making you stronger by NOT being there for you and they never have time to listen when I NEED to talk, but have no problem turning to me when THEY need the emotional support (so unreliable). Not so much with male friends, now there are things I can't talk to them about, but I can at least have some sort of connection.
Ouch
I feel like male friends are only like that towards women because they have primal instincts to provide and take care of women which stems back to either familial or romantic relationships.
Great video
If your thoughts on this starts with yes BUT...... there is your answer.
I wouldn't want to be in the friendzone for a lifetime, lol- nope.
God bless.
bestie for the restie😂
I say no - for obvious reasons. He even said that ultimately he or his female friend would “catch feelings”. Then being hyper vigilant about boundaries - again because of the obvious reasons. How about just making friends with same sex and making things more clear to everyone
Agree
This is very male perspective. It isn't that uncommon for men and women to be friends. There are lots of non evidence based generalizations about the sexes in this video. Sorry you had so many crushes on people you called friends. That's not her fault.
100!!!!
That’s partly the point though. A lot of times the man is the one that catches feelings whereas the woman sees it as purely platonic, though as he stated even in his experience it was vice versa.
But yeah typically dudes catch feelings for a variety of reasons. It’s literally a meme at this point how men are so starved for affection that basic decency can make them fall for a woman. I think his point about boundaries is fair
Agreed. He also forgets about people like me who experience no sexual desires.
In the video, he specifically said that it IS possible for men and women to be friends but that there are nuances about it, so be prudent. He’s a dude so, no surprises he would speak from a male perspective but he was also quite fair and balanced. Just because he didn’t cite sources on typical attributes to men and women, doesn’t mean it’s not true or that his views are invalid. I don’t see why the snarky comment, esp. at the end.
It seems to me he’s not against the idea but that we ought to be smart about it so we don’t make things messy and confusing.
I think as a man that he is accurate about how men are in friendships with women. And I’m 1000% sure if a guy tries that same thing motional connection with his female friend while dating that the fiancée or spouse will have a HUGE issue with this.
Our brain chemistry is very different than women. It’s not a social construct- it’s a biological difference. We do not become emotionally close with a woman as a friend and then turn around and give that same emotional energy to a woman we are dating. The physical attraction does indeed drive our desire to be emotionally intimate.
Women who naturally neurologically engage with their emotions first are able to interact with both men and women on this level without physical attraction. But men’s brains don’t work like that. Science on this one.
Men don’t generally desire a long list of acquaintances they open up to. We generally seek a much smaller circle. Our close circle of male friend(s), Dad and our significant other.
A guy who is pouring emotional energy into an unreciprocated friendship with a woman has resigned himself to the friendzone or is hoping beyond hope that the woman will actually change her mind. She won’t. Friendship for a woman is safer than a relationship. She controls the pursuance of a man in this way. She can get her emotional needs met without the complicated work of maintaining a romance level commitment.
God has taken everything from me. All the wisdom of church and bible run through my brain and I keep doing it all wrong. Because my mind understands but I don't do as I ought.
So happiness was yesterday. When I was a kid and not every move was a sin.
I'm convinced that the catholic believe is the only truth.
But it's just a constant struggle.
Being 24 years old I feel like 80 inside. Because I know the answers to my questions but can't follow them.
God bless you, Amen.
Chaste, well balanced, normal people that care about more important loftier things things than self can.
True ❤️
Yes
When a guy becomes just friends with a girl he's getting used for validation and he's not getting anything in return
I prefer friends with benefits
gay men are friends with each other and are expected to be celibate so why wouldnt men and women be allowed the same if the celibacy is the same expectation?
0:21
Equality is non-existent in this phenomenal sphere. Equality exists in abstract ideas such as mathematics and arguably on the sub-atomic level ALONE.🤓
UNFORTUNATELY, it requires an intelligence quotient above double-digits in order to be able to comprehend such truthful concepts. 😛
I disagree. Not everyone is a sexual being. I don't have very many female friends because I can't relate to them. They don't tend to talk about anything important. I hate small talk . My guy friends and I talk a lot of theology and phylosaphy. It's just different. My personality clashes with other women. Not everyone is the same.
I’ve always said that ! Men and women can’t be friends , like real friends!!!!! Thanks a lot
Exactly because platonic can very easily blur into romantic
@@kathyalex778 i agree
No. The end
Short answer: yea
Long answer: absolutely people can be friends of any gender. Even if you’re just focusing on maybe they’ll become romantically attracted to each other, being attracted to a specific gender does not mean attraction to everyone of that gender. Even if someone is attracted to the other does not mean that they will ever act on it.
Grazie
No
Lord Jesus Christ, light of the world. Shine bright and help bring many more to faith in you before it’s too late. He wants none to perish. 🙏
If she is even remotely attractive, no.
No they can't.
I wonder why you care that much bout a different unique "individual" 🤔 isn't it a personal choice?
This is very stupid. I have many men “best” friends, who are in love and committed to their wives. Of course there is a kind of distance, and their brotherly and sisterly closeness. Of course a real friendship with our male friends implies that we have to become friends with their wives. It’s true! But emotional friendship is not the same as romantic love.
Why do we have these stupid fake things in catholic circles where they are obviously not true outside the church. That means that they are not true.
Friendship with members of the opposite sex are NOT adultery. It’s silly.
Ps: guess who is supposed to be our best friend…. No, not your spouse… guess more… focus… yah, it’s the Lord Jesus. He’s the true best friend. The only true friend.
I cut ties with a female friend yesterday. I liked her based on just looking at her picture. But with time and conversation I realized I actually like this person as a friend... but the emotion I had for her.. It wasnt love.. it was desire maybe.. desire to see her.. i sound toxic dont I.. she lived in New Zealand I live in LA... I miss her man.... but I had to cut ties..
A
if you shouldn't have deep friendships with members of the sex you are attracted to, who are bisexual people supposed to be friends with?
Greetings Brother Tanner,
Thanks for the Thoughtful Message which distinguish the fact that FRIENDSHIP CARES AND ROMANTIC LOVE RELATES WITH SOUL.
P.S - Social Secular Relatives Overstepped into my Privacy a few years back. Moved on. At present stage permitted to reach only through Family social media forum.
With regards with Prayers to All,
RanjithJoseph (R.J)
I didn't like this, I really don't like the way that Tanner described the natural progress of two people towards a loving marriage as a death to oneself, and a very tragic act of self sacrifice. As a single Catholic man I would like advice on marriage from a godly husband, not another single dude,Tanner can't advise me on marriage he doesn't know any better than I do!
❤️
Lols ha 😂😂😂😂😂😂
One can find emotional connection, deep friendship, with a person of the opposite sex. It's important to cultivate healthy relationships with everyone. It's dangerous and I feel it's also unhealthy to say we can't have such friendship by design.
E
Your voice keeps cracking? Sometimes my voice makes me feel like im bonnie tyler, lol you could light a match off my throat. On a night out a friend of mine said his mouth was so dry his tounge felt like Gandhi's flip flop..very funny, same guy told me his house mate is so stingy that he keeps a fork in the sugar bowl . The voice Comes in handy for karaoke night
. Turn around...every now then i feel a little bit lonely like your never coming round.
T
G
Exellent videi i hate it when catholics say ofcourse there is no issue at all there has to be clear boundries.
R
#1 rule, if a man has "girl friends" or a woman has " guy friends" they are not a person you'll want a relationship with sorry
@Rib_Guy_101 when men hang around a woman especially long term, they want a relationship with her she just not sure if she will reciprocate, unless he's a gay man as the only exception to the rule
^ not every girl and boy is attracted to eachother
You are right
@@rogersmithh yes, but guys know and understand when other straight men chose to continue being around a woman, it's because he's attracted to her, and she's fully aware that he is attracted to her, and if she starts seeing another man for a relationship, that man like all others are territorial, they don't want another man around her in any capacity, the only reason a woman keeps other men around her after establishing a relationship with a man, is because she's not really interested in him all that much, if he's a strong provider and protector ( alpha male) she will not bother with other men at all
This kinda comes off as being a jagoff 😅 definitely do not recommend sending someone this video
what do you mean by jagoff?