I saw on a Danish makeover show (I live in Denmark) that the host was cleaning out a shed with a child, and the child saw a spider and screamed "I HATE spiders, I really don't like them". The host said "yeah that's a big spider" and then he picked it up and continued to explain that spiders live in quite places while he talked about it in a positive way. He then asked the child if she wanted to hold the spider and she said yes, and ended up holding it. I thought that was a really beautiful way of acknowledging her fear, while showing (and not telling) that there was nothing to be afraid of.
I read that telling someone how to feel or minimizing their feelings is technically gaslighting so I try to apply it to my son. I try not to say, “You’re fine”.
I am a Montessori Toddler Teacher and as you can imagine there are many "boo-boos" in our class on the daily😂. Typically our "script" is 1. Get on their level. 2 Acknowledge you saw what happened. 3. Acknowledge the emotion the child is feeling 4. Offer a comfort item or coping strategy. 5. Move on from it. For example this often sounds like "I saw you fell down and scraped your knee. I'm sorry that happened to you, I see that it hurt. Would you like to come with me to pick out an ice pack/bandaid/etc?" Some other coping strategies we offer are sitting on our lap, a hug, holding our hand and going for a walk, doing a work together. It all kinda depends on the child and the situation. But I can attest that this works and very often after following the "script" the child is quickly able to self soothe.
I have noticed that when I just hug them and tell them I know that hurt and it didn't feel good, go ahead and let it out they usually do not last very long crying and sit there for a min and then are off playing again.
A great thing I once read was to get to the child and ask them "oh, are your feelings hurt or your body?". Then they can say (or point to) what hurts OR when they realise they can't point out pain, you can followup with did you get a fright? This is great for not identifying FOR the child that they got hurt or got startled. With my four year old, I've always kissed her boo-boo and said "Mama's magic kisses" and "heal yourself". A kiss and a cuddle for the minor hurts always, then the disinfectant and or plaster for the bigger ones...
It is very helpful. Sometimes I feel like I know all of this on paper, but there are still moments I could not relate very well, and I could feel that I was not comfortable with her crying (or whining) and was not providing the support that my little one needed. I will do better.
Don't measure yourself too much by others. I'm neurodivergent in a couple ways and there's only so much I can do. We have to challenge ourselves to be better, for sure. But definitely find your own way and accept you aren't perfect. We all have a limit of skills and that doesn't make you less worthy than anyone else
I have noticed in my circle of associations that it is common to hear parents brightly say “you’re fine!” when accidents happen. I understand that approach but always felt it was slightly off and that I was made to feel that my approach was upsetting to the child when I reacted. This great video emboldens me to respond to the child w/o dismissing their feelings.
This is why I keep telling my husband we don't tell our poor 18mo baby that he's fine and just ignore him. I'm like, acknowledge him and offer comfort and ask where he's hurt and he'll talk about it and then go on.
something I did not like when I was younger and still do not like is that teachers/ my parents would say: see your all happy now. when I would stop crying. sometimes I just want to keep crying I am not always happy right after stuff happends but I feel like I need to be
I agree - this happened all the time to me, but instead of "you're all happy now" I would get "think how much quicker/better you would have been without crying" Made me feel like I couldn't take time out to feel anything and my only value was how quickly I could get homework done or the quality of my piano practice.
Thank you, that's a really great example to make adults understand what we are doing when we dismiss our children! You always explain everything so well, thank you, I love your videos!
In my early 20s for seasonal jobs I used to work at the Santa or Easter Bunny set where kids get their pictures taken and in the back of my mind I never understood exactly why some parents get frustrated when their kids cry when they are Santa or Bunny's lap. Some parents wouldn't even accept the crying pictures. Of course the babies and young kids are going to cry when they sit on a strangers lap lol. I remember we would have to distract them with toys to have them stop crying or sometimes the parents would have a favorite toy to try to distract the crying baby or kid. But deep down while doing that I always felt kind of bad doing that...Just let the baby or kid cry and let him or her experience the emotions. Thank you for the video. 🙂
Another thing not to say is "Oh it makes mommy sad when you're sad, don't cry." Children are not responsible for our emotions and shouldn't be shamed/blamed/burdened with our feelings. Ashley, I have a question. Is it okay to say "I'm sorry that you're...." For example, "I'm sorry that you're sad. Mama is here for you.."
Wow, I hope parents don’t say that! How manipulative to guilt trip children for normal emotions. Sounds like something my Dad would have said… he was a very manipulative person.
Such a great video ! Have an 11 months old here and definitely trying to implement it. Also wanted to add that sometimes it helps to show the child what happened. Sometimes they hit their head and are so surprised. So after acknowledging the feeling you might show them "you hit your head on the door here - ah man that came out of nowhere for you, huh." -- ❤
Beautifully explained! To my 2 yr old, i hug her, comfort her saying that i saw it and it must be painful and then continue to hug as long as she wants and then ask her «is it better now?» she says yes if it is and then goes back to play.
Thank you so much. The explanation will help me to share this response to my mother that helps me take care of my baby son but isn't completely familiar with the Montessory and gentle-parenting aproaches.
Really miss kylie and Mia. My daughter who is same age of Mia grew up watching your videos. Wish they would flash by sometime. Your videos with Kylie and Mia helped me as a parent a lot. Used to follow the activities and everyday things you do with them now we really really miss them.
Very helpful! My son is 3 and we're struggling with daycare drop offs - on and off for 6 months. I'm thinking about how I can try this strategy tomorrow morning. I think shyness is the issue for us, but that's definitely close to the scared category. Wish me luck 😅
I love your content and I learn so much from you on how to parent my two littles. I have a question you may have answered before but how do you handle a divide in parenting styles. I find i overcompensate unintentionally to make up for the more authoratative parenting style of their father. Any tips ? Thank you
Thank you for this video, it’s very helpful! What about kissing the body part that was hurt? Eg if their finger was hurt, I recognize it without overreacting and then I kiss it and my 18 month old daughter feels happy about it and goes back to playing. Once I was busy with something and she hurt her toe, she noticed that I’m busy so she kissed it herself and resumed playing.
I do the same thing ❤ I ask her where it hurts and I kiss it. I have seen her doing the same thing - if she gets hurt, she kiss it, continues with her play.
I remember watching one of your vlogs where a Boo-Boo Ice was mentioned, and I think Kylie went to get it for Mia. From that moment on, our house had Boo-Boo Ices too!
Thank you for this video. I think I've been doing it this way then, i say "aww sweetheart, did you hurt yourself? Is it ouwy? Are you ok? Do you need a cuddle?" I stay calm, i make eye contact, i try to have open body language. But .. he not rarely cries when he hurts himself? I'm confused and a bit concerned I've done it wrong somewhere. I dont want him to feel he's not supposed to. He fell on his nose and scratched it on the ground the other day, he was about to cry but i swept the bits of stone off and did the usual, he stopped, asked for kisses and carried on playing
I feel like I was successful with this strategy when my daughter was less verbal but now she is 2.5 and has an incredible imagination and she’s very communicative verbally and I feel like I’m in the deep end when it comes to her fears.
Mine too. What we currently do: for example when she said she was afraid of the wolf in her room at night, we went to the library and rented a book about wolves. Now she knows that wolves live in the woods or at the zoo and not in apartments. So basically we explain to her the reality of things in a concrete way that speaks to her (she's a big fan of books). Also we let her talk and talk about it and have conversations with her (my parents didn't want to hear about my fears and I'm still afraid of the dark as an adult...) Out method works for now but I don't know what we would do if she became afraid of something that can't be rationalized like monsters.
When you and Mike started doing Montessori and less traditional discipline, do you find you had to do most of the mental load of teaching him how to do things? I’m 33w pregnant and often bothering my husband to learn just baby things in general! I get that it’s going to be mostly my “job” and meanwhile he will be doing his usual job on top of being a parent, but I wish he understood the mental load.
This sounds tough - can we share the load? Do you have the chance or the sort of relationship where you could take a bit of time to sit down and explain why this sort of parenting is important to you but also that you feel under pressure to do it mostly yourself? I understand being the main "house person" in a relationship with a partner who only wants to live their life so it may not be possible, but hopefully he had some input into you becoming pregnant and deciding to have a baby? XD
@@hspurr5922 oh definitely! He’s not so awful, but I’m just annoyed that he thinks I’m going to teach him everything and he doesn’t have to put in the work to try learning on his own. Montessori/gentle parenting is one thing, but he’s now (very slowly) working up to learning more urgent baby info.
A friend of mine used to tell her daughter "it's okay it's not even bleeding." Let me tell you, the first time that she ever bled, she was convinced she would d!e. Lesson learned
Key takeaways: Do not dismiss their feeling. Don’t laugh it off thinking tjey are kids and how could they just bang their heads. These values go a long way.
I understand why you shouldn't tell her not to cry, or that it doesn't hurt that much, but it seems kind of cold to say 'it's okay if it hurts.' What is wrong with giving her a big hug and telling her that everything will be okay? Not everything is okay, but will be okay in the future?
This is really helpful, lots of helpful language to use in this situation. While I feel I do this fairly well in the setting of physical hurt, I find it much harder where the upset and hurt is directed at me in the form of a tantrum, eg where we have said no to something or my toddler is lashing out because she’s unhappy with me. How do you deal with this situation eg where the cause is you and the behaviour is more than just crying or whining?
tantrums are hard because they're not in a space to listen to anything you want to say to them. I've found a good approach is to walk away from them into a different room (as long as you know they're safe and not going to hurt themselves of course). It's also good to have a 'calm down area' where you place them if they regularly have tantrums. When you first start doing this they will follow you because what they want is attention. Tell them you understand they're upset because ...etc etc but you don't want to be around that behaviour and when they feel better let you know. Proceed to ignore them (unless they're being violent then you will need to physically remove them from your space) until they calm down and then have a proper talk to them abou why they got upset and better ways to deal with those emotions. I've seen kids have tantrums for up to an hour when parents first start doing this but the more you do it the shorter the tantrums get. It gets to the point when they start getting upset you ask, 'do you need time in your calm down space?' they say yes and go there themselves, and come back when they feel better for cuddles.
Hi Ashley. I loved this video but I have another question for you. what do you suggest to do for a child who just doesn't want to eat during meal times, but 5 minutes later my son is begging for a snack and crying that he iss starving. My 4 and 6 year old sons both do this and I just don't know what to do 😂
My kid did it too. At first I just caved everytime because I didn't want her to go to bed hungry but now I'm strict with it: if she doesn't eat at the table because she's not hungry that's fine but she won't get a snack later. If she's hungry then, she will get the rest of her plate. We had a lot of screaming and tears in the first week but know she knows the drill. 😅
My 5 yo cries about everything and we are done with it. And when i say everything i do mean everything. I saw your vids but seriously I don't even know what i am acknowledging. She cries when she has the wrong cup for example. What must i do?
Hello, I have a toddler who is just turning 3 in a month, she is not intrested in playing, she gets bored after 1-2 minutes and doesn’t play with her toys, I try to help her but she is not interested, she doesn’t likes eating food too (she is a picky eater), she has her sister who is just 1 month old and try to pull her hair badly, pull her, and try to poke her eyes. I have been your follower since long time could you please help me out what should I do to help her. Please link some of your videos if I could get help.
I saw on a Danish makeover show (I live in Denmark) that the host was cleaning out a shed with a child, and the child saw a spider and screamed "I HATE spiders, I really don't like them". The host said "yeah that's a big spider" and then he picked it up and continued to explain that spiders live in quite places while he talked about it in a positive way. He then asked the child if she wanted to hold the spider and she said yes, and ended up holding it. I thought that was a really beautiful way of acknowledging her fear, while showing (and not telling) that there was nothing to be afraid of.
That’s beautiful. Thanks for sharing that ♥️
That is lovely ! Currently living in Australia where some spiders can easily kill a child ! I guess this approach won't apply in this case 😅 !
I read that telling someone how to feel or minimizing their feelings is technically gaslighting so I try to apply it to my son. I try not to say, “You’re fine”.
I am a Montessori Toddler Teacher and as you can imagine there are many "boo-boos" in our class on the daily😂. Typically our "script" is 1. Get on their level. 2 Acknowledge you saw what happened. 3. Acknowledge the emotion the child is feeling 4. Offer a comfort item or coping strategy. 5. Move on from it.
For example this often sounds like "I saw you fell down and scraped your knee. I'm sorry that happened to you, I see that it hurt. Would you like to come with me to pick out an ice pack/bandaid/etc?" Some other coping strategies we offer are sitting on our lap, a hug, holding our hand and going for a walk, doing a work together. It all kinda depends on the child and the situation. But I can attest that this works and very often after following the "script" the child is quickly able to self soothe.
I have noticed that when I just hug them and tell them I know that hurt and it didn't feel good, go ahead and let it out they usually do not last very long crying and sit there for a min and then are off playing again.
A great thing I once read was to get to the child and ask them "oh, are your feelings hurt or your body?". Then they can say (or point to) what hurts OR when they realise they can't point out pain, you can followup with did you get a fright? This is great for not identifying FOR the child that they got hurt or got startled. With my four year old, I've always kissed her boo-boo and said "Mama's magic kisses" and "heal yourself". A kiss and a cuddle for the minor hurts always, then the disinfectant and or plaster for the bigger ones...
It is very helpful. Sometimes I feel like I know all of this on paper, but there are still moments I could not relate very well, and I could feel that I was not comfortable with her crying (or whining) and was not providing the support that my little one needed. I will do better.
Don't measure yourself too much by others. I'm neurodivergent in a couple ways and there's only so much I can do. We have to challenge ourselves to be better, for sure. But definitely find your own way and accept you aren't perfect. We all have a limit of skills and that doesn't make you less worthy than anyone else
I have noticed in my circle of associations that it is common to hear parents brightly say “you’re fine!” when accidents happen. I understand that approach but always felt it was slightly off and that I was made to feel that my approach was upsetting to the child when I reacted. This great video emboldens me to respond to the child w/o dismissing their feelings.
This is why I keep telling my husband we don't tell our poor 18mo baby that he's fine and just ignore him. I'm like, acknowledge him and offer comfort and ask where he's hurt and he'll talk about it and then go on.
something I did not like when I was younger and still do not like is that teachers/ my parents would say: see your all happy now.
when I would stop crying.
sometimes I just want to keep crying I am not always happy right after stuff happends but I feel like I need to be
I agree - this happened all the time to me, but instead of "you're all happy now" I would get "think how much quicker/better you would have been without crying"
Made me feel like I couldn't take time out to feel anything and my only value was how quickly I could get homework done or the quality of my piano practice.
Thank you, that's a really great example to make adults understand what we are doing when we dismiss our children! You always explain everything so well, thank you, I love your videos!
In my early 20s for seasonal jobs I used to work at the Santa or Easter Bunny set where kids get their pictures taken and in the back of my mind I never understood exactly why some parents get frustrated when their kids cry when they are Santa or Bunny's lap. Some parents wouldn't even accept the crying pictures. Of course the babies and young kids are going to cry when they sit on a strangers lap lol. I remember we would have to distract them with toys to have them stop crying or sometimes the parents would have a favorite toy to try to distract the crying baby or kid. But deep down while doing that I always felt kind of bad doing that...Just let the baby or kid cry and let him or her experience the emotions. Thank you for the video. 🙂
Another thing not to say is "Oh it makes mommy sad when you're sad, don't cry." Children are not responsible for our emotions and shouldn't be shamed/blamed/burdened with our feelings.
Ashley, I have a question. Is it okay to say "I'm sorry that you're...." For example, "I'm sorry that you're sad. Mama is here for you.."
Wow, I hope parents don’t say that! How manipulative to guilt trip children for normal emotions. Sounds like something my Dad would have said… he was a very manipulative person.
Such a great video ! Have an 11 months old here and definitely trying to implement it. Also wanted to add that sometimes it helps to show the child what happened. Sometimes they hit their head and are so surprised. So after acknowledging the feeling you might show them "you hit your head on the door here - ah man that came out of nowhere for you, huh." -- ❤
Beautifully explained!
To my 2 yr old, i hug her, comfort her saying that i saw it and it must be painful and then continue to hug as long as she wants and then ask her «is it better now?» she says yes if it is and then goes back to play.
I hope your girls had a wonderful 4th and 6th birthday! Congratulations🎉
Very well said. Thank you, I've watched many of your videos and it helped my build a concept and not be so insecure about children.
Thank you so much. The explanation will help me to share this response to my mother that helps me take care of my baby son but isn't completely familiar with the Montessory and gentle-parenting aproaches.
Really miss kylie and Mia.
My daughter who is same age of Mia grew up watching your videos. Wish they would flash by sometime. Your videos with Kylie and Mia helped me as a parent a lot. Used to follow the activities and everyday things you do with them now we really really miss them.
Very helpful! My son is 3 and we're struggling with daycare drop offs - on and off for 6 months. I'm thinking about how I can try this strategy tomorrow morning. I think shyness is the issue for us, but that's definitely close to the scared category. Wish me luck 😅
We had a school accident last week where a tree fell :( this is perfect timing to get this video out. Thank you!!
This is so timely!
I love your content and I learn so much from you on how to parent my two littles. I have a question you may have answered before but how do you handle a divide in parenting styles. I find i overcompensate unintentionally to make up for the more authoratative parenting style of their father. Any tips ? Thank you
Thank you for this video, it’s very helpful! What about kissing the body part that was hurt? Eg if their finger was hurt, I recognize it without overreacting and then I kiss it and my 18 month old daughter feels happy about it and goes back to playing. Once I was busy with something and she hurt her toe, she noticed that I’m busy so she kissed it herself and resumed playing.
I do the same thing ❤ I ask her where it hurts and I kiss it. I have seen her doing the same thing - if she gets hurt, she kiss it, continues with her play.
I remember watching one of your vlogs where a Boo-Boo Ice was mentioned, and I think Kylie went to get it for Mia. From that moment on, our house had Boo-Boo Ices too!
Thank you for this video. I think I've been doing it this way then, i say "aww sweetheart, did you hurt yourself? Is it ouwy? Are you ok? Do you need a cuddle?" I stay calm, i make eye contact, i try to have open body language. But .. he not rarely cries when he hurts himself? I'm confused and a bit concerned I've done it wrong somewhere. I dont want him to feel he's not supposed to. He fell on his nose and scratched it on the ground the other day, he was about to cry but i swept the bits of stone off and did the usual, he stopped, asked for kisses and carried on playing
I feel like I was successful with this strategy when my daughter was less verbal but now she is 2.5 and has an incredible imagination and she’s very communicative verbally and I feel like I’m in the deep end when it comes to her fears.
Mine too. What we currently do: for example when she said she was afraid of the wolf in her room at night, we went to the library and rented a book about wolves. Now she knows that wolves live in the woods or at the zoo and not in apartments.
So basically we explain to her the reality of things in a concrete way that speaks to her (she's a big fan of books). Also we let her talk and talk about it and have conversations with her (my parents didn't want to hear about my fears and I'm still afraid of the dark as an adult...)
Out method works for now but I don't know what we would do if she became afraid of something that can't be rationalized like monsters.
When you and Mike started doing Montessori and less traditional discipline, do you find you had to do most of the mental load of teaching him how to do things? I’m 33w pregnant and often bothering my husband to learn just baby things in general! I get that it’s going to be mostly my “job” and meanwhile he will be doing his usual job on top of being a parent, but I wish he understood the mental load.
This sounds tough - can we share the load? Do you have the chance or the sort of relationship where you could take a bit of time to sit down and explain why this sort of parenting is important to you but also that you feel under pressure to do it mostly yourself? I understand being the main "house person" in a relationship with a partner who only wants to live their life so it may not be possible, but hopefully he had some input into you becoming pregnant and deciding to have a baby? XD
@@hspurr5922 oh definitely! He’s not so awful, but I’m just annoyed that he thinks I’m going to teach him everything and he doesn’t have to put in the work to try learning on his own. Montessori/gentle parenting is one thing, but he’s now (very slowly) working up to learning more urgent baby info.
A friend of mine used to tell her daughter "it's okay it's not even bleeding." Let me tell you, the first time that she ever bled, she was convinced she would d!e. Lesson learned
Can you make a video about birthday presents for 6 and 4 year olds. Thanks
Very well explained thanks
Key takeaways: Do not dismiss their feeling. Don’t laugh it off thinking tjey are kids and how could they just bang their heads. These values go a long way.
Great explanation
Okay but how is she so beautiful?
I understand why you shouldn't tell her not to cry, or that it doesn't hurt that much, but it seems kind of cold to say 'it's okay if it hurts.' What is wrong with giving her a big hug and telling her that everything will be okay? Not everything is okay, but will be okay in the future?
Ramadan Mubarak
This is really helpful, lots of helpful language to use in this situation. While I feel I do this fairly well in the setting of physical hurt, I find it much harder where the upset and hurt is directed at me in the form of a tantrum, eg where we have said no to something or my toddler is lashing out because she’s unhappy with me. How do you deal with this situation eg where the cause is you and the behaviour is more than just crying or whining?
tantrums are hard because they're not in a space to listen to anything you want to say to them. I've found a good approach is to walk away from them into a different room (as long as you know they're safe and not going to hurt themselves of course). It's also good to have a 'calm down area' where you place them if they regularly have tantrums. When you first start doing this they will follow you because what they want is attention. Tell them you understand they're upset because ...etc etc but you don't want to be around that behaviour and when they feel better let you know. Proceed to ignore them (unless they're being violent then you will need to physically remove them from your space) until they calm down and then have a proper talk to them abou why they got upset and better ways to deal with those emotions. I've seen kids have tantrums for up to an hour when parents first start doing this but the more you do it the shorter the tantrums get. It gets to the point when they start getting upset you ask, 'do you need time in your calm down space?' they say yes and go there themselves, and come back when they feel better for cuddles.
Thank you :)
yeah but how would this work for a 15 month old? i can see for older toddlers though
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Until what age is it valid to do this? Our 8 yo still screams and cries hysterically even when it's just a scratch with the table.
Hi Ashley. I loved this video but I have another question for you. what do you suggest to do for a child who just doesn't want to eat during meal times, but 5 minutes later my son is begging for a snack and crying that he iss starving. My 4 and 6 year old sons both do this and I just don't know what to do 😂
My kid did it too. At first I just caved everytime because I didn't want her to go to bed hungry but now I'm strict with it: if she doesn't eat at the table because she's not hungry that's fine but she won't get a snack later. If she's hungry then, she will get the rest of her plate. We had a lot of screaming and tears in the first week but know she knows the drill. 😅
@B. Thanks! I know it's just so hard to be strict sometimes when they just won't quit asking for a snack!
My 5 yo cries about everything and we are done with it. And when i say everything i do mean everything. I saw your vids but seriously I don't even know what i am acknowledging.
She cries when she has the wrong cup for example. What must i do?
Jessica L. Karla
Hello, I have a toddler who is just turning 3 in a month, she is not intrested in playing, she gets bored after 1-2 minutes and doesn’t play with her toys, I try to help her but she is not interested, she doesn’t likes eating food too (she is a picky eater), she has her sister who is just 1 month old and try to pull her hair badly, pull her, and try to poke her eyes. I have been your follower since long time could you please help me out what should I do to help her. Please link some of your videos if I could get help.
I'm really sorry you have to deal with this. Have you considered going to a child psychiatrist? Maybe there is an underlying issue.
Lonely
I meant lovely!
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