"Don't say 'enslaved'; say 'contractually motivated'." Ben, when you do a parody, you're supposed to actually change the words not just repeat the real life corporate statements verbatim.
They're not 'salves, they're 'Indentured Servants', they're just working off a debt. That has more interest per day than they could ever pay off in 3 lifetimes
Nah this is way better then real life You get high salary, spaws, paid time off, free dental, vacation, medical coverage, pention, 401k and more. Thats how you know its fantasy because your never going to get that in real life.
I did something similar with a high CHA Wizard once. Created a soul based pyramid scheme and made pamphlets to advertise my company's various payment plans. Even made IRL copies to hand to the GM/party for the meme. I eventually DID turn it into a legitimate business offering a legitimate service, so when I offered to join the BBEG's side with my army of "contractually obligated employees" in exchange for my life, he was intrigued. My party watched in horror as I gave the pitch and handed the GM a pamphlet. As the BBEG, the GM opened up the pamphlet and went from intrigued, to confused, then upset. I had written the words "Glyph of Warding: Acid. Make a DEX save" on the inside of the pamphlet with a sharpie. Was holding on to that pamphlet for months waiting for an opportunity to use it. Best way to start a fight.
Flashbacks to Doom Eternal: “Remember, demon is an offensive term.” Yes, I am aware there are differences between Devils (Hell/Lawful) and Demons (Abyss/Chaotic) in Dungeons&Dragons.
@@hanakoisbestgirl4752 any fiend technically. The generic one for 5E is Asmodeus connection so Devil. There are rules about racial changes for different Devils and Demons as the source of the Tiefling’s heritage. Personally I enjoyed 4E’s lore about Tieflings as they had their own Roman Empire so to speak. In 5E there is a series of novels (Brimstone Angel) that explains how a magic ritual swapped the blood type of many Tieflings to Asmodeus therefore increasing his power.
I thought this was in the "intentionally shitty 90s corporate training video" but turns out TH-cam was just set to 144p for some reason. That said I like the MLM hunbot style dnd class.
This is why I'm with Hexblade LLC. They have all this and you get to focus on your client specifically, allowing you to better deal with their issues, such as: - Stagnation of health - increased identification of critical weaknesses, and the open presenting of said weaknesses. - Easy, specialized soul transfers - Specialized equipment And - Co-dependent relationship with your employer.
We at Asmodeus Investment Firm would like to request that you remove any and all recruitment attempts from and any other locations. If this request is not fulfilled we will be forced to file a lawsuit.
@@deamonmindgaming2054 We at Asmodeus Investment firm unlike other firms and institutions that serve a similar purpose are accepting of any and all races of any shape or size. We provide ample attention to any and all employees who may need it giving the required training and then allowing for even further training if need be. We have a grace period of 10 days where you cannot be fired. We provide Dental, Medical benefits at almost no cost to join. So we formally invite you to become a member of the Asmodeus Investment Firm today.
Ah, but he's a cleric. Clerics are a more at-will employee and can be hired or fired at any time if their actions/beliefs etc. are outside the terms of their employment with the company, while warlocks have much specific contracts and would need to have another entity take on their contract before they could leave.
@@jayhill8892 Also Warlocks are paid on contingency(power comes now, job comes sometime later and may not even be known by the Patron at the time of contract, but till then they get to use th power to do whatever they want) where as Clerics are more like salary workers(they get x amount of power consistently, but they usually have to advance their god's agenda by doing a set of regular, smaller duties in-between any larger jobs, till they quit that is)
@@Gr3nadgr3gory Inevitables ( magical extraplanar constructs ) would hunt down and claim the soul of a deal- breaking cheater..to be roasted and ground to dust ..
Thinking of when I was playing a Wild Magic Sorcerer/Warlock who got hired to do a sermon for this magicy god Bahmaut. I was casting dancing lights, rolling performance, when _oops_ prestidigitation goes wiLd! I roll on my sheet, and get "A random creature within 60ft of you has the 'Fly' spell cast on them." My DM then narrates how a little girl in a wheelchair just starts levitating, so I take this opportunity to shout "BEHOLD, THE POWER OF BAHMAUT!" As everyone was filing out of the church, I was naturally passing out pamphlets advertising my warlock patron. "Feel bored with just regular magic? Try having a Patron _today!"_
I actually did this with a Old One pact warlock. He was a motivational speaker that taught you to put the “Can in ArCANe”. Phenomenal power, all you need to do is read this pamphlet...
This is the most well put together EA & Activision employee training video I have ever seen. They forgot to mention that the contract has surprise mechanics. They also forgot to advertise the wild magic contract, which will fill will all customers with a sense of pride and accomplishment with every cast.
Boomer Devil: "Argh, all these kids these days with their Hazbin Hotels and their Asmodeus MLMs! Back in my day we had to MAKE mortals know we were powerful, we had to make them know we were in charge! None of this sissy business deal crap, no! Hell was GREAT AND TERRIBLE because we made it that way!" Zoomer Devil: "OK, Dante..."
I was thinking along the same lines. There is the generation before this where they killed for souls and were evil but now its becoming capitalism incarnate
@@evanbaker5813 When you think about how *Lawful* *Evil* works, and how it tends to extend to far-reaching political and governmental control over people, *communism* might actually seem like a brand of Lawful Evil that Devils would peddle.
The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled wasn't convincing the world he didn't exist, but was that upper management actually gave a shit about the hourly workers.
@@iamRageTheWolf his heretical glory has his power restricted on Terra, leaving much of the rest of the Phlogiston unenlightened, so a new, broader, educatainment video would be best for our little apocalypses/miracles
On one hand i agree. On the other i thought it was a nice touch. Just the thought of the boss forcing an imp to write it before it gives up and hits CTRL+A, CTRL+C, CTRL+V, just males me laugh.
6:03 Yes. As if that ain't one of the biggest deceptions in this contract. It doesn't say you are free if you find a replacement, it clearly states 'If the contractually bound employee can find a contractually bound replacement for his station, he will not have to fulfill his positions duty any longer' Translated this doesn't release you from your contract. As if anyone who reads those 666000 pages would fall for that
@@bestaround3323 Nope, all that happens is that their duties are given to a new employee, they just no longer have to continue their job. Doesn't mean their name isn't still in the company books
I must say, I love how this portrays Warlocks, I actually play my Tiefling Fiend Warlock like this to an extent, her normal job aside from adventuring is seeking out individuals who are willing to be contractually motivated and pulling fast contracts on them.
I fail to understand what is the difference between this animation and a real-life recruitment video...oh wait! The animation is a work of fiction because it actually gives the chance to be *SUCCESSFUL* in your career! I will see myself out, sorry
Ah, the good old Contract. You have an 100% binding obligation, but the country can render rewrite or nullify it at any time, for any reason. Especially right after elections.
@rabidsquirrel73 That's what happens wen enlistment target's teenagers without the life experience to properly read the contract and understand it before signing.
I just LOVE how Corporate cares for our individual lives. I feel that they really understand what it's like working on the floor. day in a day out we work directly with time-Challenge peoples. It can be really difficult to work with screamers, but having work benefits like the 401K equalization investment among all the others, working here really makes me feel all tingly inside.
That's the Attitude that will make you Head Souls Manager in no time ! Unlimited advancement opportunities ! Cash Bonuses ! Guaranteed condo on the picturesque Lake of Fire retirement resort !
Asmodeus Investment Firm thanks you for your contribution! Company materials and employee have now been corrected. As thanks for your contribution, we can get you a deal today! How about our two-for-one Sapphire Family Plan for you and your spouse*? *spousal permission not required
Wep, That settles it. I'm making a Warlock/Bard Teifling who works as a door to door salesman whose only product is selling devil pacts. Sign over your soul and we'll get started.
*knocks on door* Hello, did you know that you can reduce the life of your mortal enemies by 100% over the time of a second? All it will cost you is the 5 minutes of your time to sign this contract (andsomeotherthingswrittendeepinthiscontracktlikeyoursoul). *guy smacks door in front of my face* “Well there goes the quota for this century.”
This was so helpful! You realize how little training I got when I sold my soul? They just assumed I would already know everything about dragging an individual to the depths of hell after watching it once. It was way too much pressure 😵
Fo sure. Being in sales is pretty much a do-whatever-it-takes-we-don't-care-but-also-don't-offend-anyone-but-sell-all-this-crap-or-we'll-fire-your-ass kind of deal :P Glad I got out
End of video: ‘You can leave anytime as long as you can find someone to take over your position and be contractually motived’. Earlier in the video: ‘Don’t say Enslaved, say Contractually Motivated’ XD Nice one
Other term for mortals Mortally inclined Bodied Living Other terms for “clients” Clients Workers Helpers “Like Santa’s elves but cooler” Other terms for deceased Tell them they’ll be your Soul buddy Less bodied Mortality challenged (Lie) not dead
Fun fact: I recently made a Warlock who pledged allegiance to Applekorp the fruit based technomagical demon. It's not sinister or anything, he just has to find a sucker every session and sell him an overpriced IStone™ I guess this is the new corporate training video then.
@ボイス ...he gets 25% off from his own IStones and Lord Supreme God Master Cook has reportedly promised to freeze any employee's testicles or eggs for free. ... He also has an ability called "New IStone Unboxing" which beguiles everyone in a 10ft cube with fey-like presence.
I find the idea of a city locked in a propaganda battle between the clerics and warlocks hilarious, under free speech neither can persecute the other but both battle for the power of their patrons and by extension their own. Actually... now that I look at that, the parallels are quite depressing.
Hey, human skin makes some quite fine leather. Elf skin is too thin and tears easily and Dwarven skin is too rough that you can hardly write anything on it. Human skin is juuuuuust right.
Appreciate the Eye of Sauron and Mount Doom? references in the Asmodeus Investments Firm. Also they care about the "undecided customers"! Making sure the "Mortal No-Nos are kept to a minimum. We really need to improve after last quarter, guys. We had a 5% loss of "contractually obligated" customers due to these incidents, people. I'm looking at you, Larry. You really need to get your heart-ripping addiction under control, or we may have to let you go. (We're going to erase you from existence, Larry.)
@@aliasofgray2854 In a sense. I believe there will be a time for that, but we're not there yet technologically. I think government should consist of the absolute minimum. Everything the government does by interacting in the markets acts against the interest of the people, and in the favor the select few it benefits.
Can't wait to be a mult-level marketing warlock employee. *Convince just 3 others to join your downline, and you too can be an independent, successful soul-stealer!*
Is the "index" a mechanical thing from a Warlock Invocation that I'm unfamiliar with? Or made up for this video? (Entertaining either way, but the vulnerability there seems ... more problematic than usual.) Also, would your index be a certain magical one? ::ducks and runs::
@@dorca9308 Hm... Ledger Of Souls Prerequisite: Pact of the Tome, Book of Secrets If you can get a living creature to sign its name or make its mark in your Book of Shadows, your Patron gains a claim on their afterlife. Whether this is exclusive or merely an influence varies by Patron (and is up to your DM), but the consequences are real, if delayed. Anything you write as an agreed-upon service you will perform for them in return for this, you are under a _geas_ to complete. In return, you may add any Ritual of up to the signee's CR or character level to your book.
@@segevstormlord3713 ohh, I want. I have a character idea that basically uses this, but without mechanical implementation. My idea was for her to be a celestial warlock of Asmodeus (yeah he is a devil, but he was an angel and he is the master of lies. Giving someone healing powers to trick people into thinking this warlock has better intentions than they do seems up his alley) who asks people who she saved to sign their name as her patron required her to save 100 lives in return for saving hers. But I like your idea better
Demon: what do you want in exchange for your soul? Me: I want money, power, women, s*X, status and glory. The finer things in life. Demon: look I can do a lot for a soul but I am no miracle worker, your soul isn’t worth anything near that much. Me: ok so what about for a ham and cheese sandwich? Demon: nope that’s still asking for too much. Me: :(
God this makes me want to give my Lawful Evil Noble Warlock another try. i had to leave that game cause my group was a bunch of cult-y assholes groveling at the DM's feet like he was jesus im not kidding
4:42 You'd think Elf souls would be worth more because they reincarnate over and over again and so probably have way more life experience or whatever it is in souls that devils like.
nah dude, we just turn them into lava lamps. Sure different souls have different colours but when you get as many souls as we do you can always find a buyer.
@@Suvarestin Darn full moon fine print. You go out of your way to read the new moon fine print, and they catch you off guard with the time limit to accept, meaning that you can't read the full moon fine print, so you're screwed over no matter what you do. Great idea! Thanks for the tip, boss. I'm totally gonna sneak that into my next devils contract. XP
@@Ryu_D and this is why you don't let the devil write the actual contract, and specify in the contract that only the parts you wrote count.... and further clarify only what you wrote of your own free will and not under threat... and then make sure to note its only what you wrote on that specific piece of paper and in the order you wrote it read left to right and then each line in order. poor George the contractually motivated warlock in HR learned that last one the hard way he went to the trouble of rewriting his potential contract 100 times to get the perfect terms ready before the summoning and then the devil cherry picked terms from all 100 drafts and a random self-insert fanfic George wrote to make an agreement that best suited it.
It was in addendum to a addendum under special rules, section 3a paragraph 7b subsection 34 with a hyperlink to SOP book page 423. Seriously guys do you even read your contracts?
Was really unsure what kind of person would willingly go for this job, and how desperate you would truly need to be. Then I heard that the employees are "contractually motivated", and that made perfect sense.
But hear me out: -devil pact warlock whos a videogame developer and make an app for phones so people have to read a loooooong terms and conditions to play and hidden in that text is the 'gave your eternal soul to asmodeus' so there hundreds of souls! What do you mean videogame companies already do that? Bethesda do what now? Nintendo?
I think one company in they terms of use of thier game as a joke write that you sold your soul to them. As a joke.... I dont remember wich game was that but tho..
@@GreatCezar1 I remember the court of their country made an official ruling on that, too. If the soul was not real, it would not be a proper transaction due to the seller not receiving payment, and if the soul were real, it would be classed as part of the human body, and thus protected by organ trafficking laws.
i remember reading a short story about that where hero made it for joke but it turned out true. With a whole twist where protagonist has to trick a fine print reader so he dont realize that his souls is eternally sold to printer, i had too much fun reading that
![CAMPปลิ้น | EP.83[1/2] เปิดแคมป์หลอนต้อนรับ 2 ตัวพ่อแห่งวงการผี!](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/2uPuHYHgwiI/mqdefault.jpg)
![โรงเรียนห้ามรัก โดนจับได้ตาย...!! [เอิร์นไดเม่]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/4u02Sbr556Q/mqdefault.jpg)
Me as both a warlock player and a dm taking notes
"WRITE THAT DOWN! WRITE THAT DOWN!"
Yes just yes
Saved to favorites xD
Time to make deals with thousands of mortals to Exend my life time forever
Something tells me you've worked in a corporate environment before.
Remember the lord of the rings video?
More like an mlm
"Don't say 'enslaved'; say 'contractually motivated'."
Ben, when you do a parody, you're supposed to actually change the words not just repeat the real life corporate statements verbatim.
Woah
Exactly, these are just irl woke companies lmao.
They're not 'salves, they're 'Indentured Servants', they're just working off a debt. That has more interest per day than they could ever pay off in 3 lifetimes
@@Canadian_Zac company policy.
Nah this is way better then real life
You get high salary, spaws, paid time off, free dental, vacation, medical coverage, pention, 401k and more. Thats how you know its fantasy because your never going to get that in real life.
I did something similar with a high CHA Wizard once. Created a soul based pyramid scheme and made pamphlets to advertise my company's various payment plans. Even made IRL copies to hand to the GM/party for the meme. I eventually DID turn it into a legitimate business offering a legitimate service, so when I offered to join the BBEG's side with my army of "contractually obligated employees" in exchange for my life, he was intrigued. My party watched in horror as I gave the pitch and handed the GM a pamphlet. As the BBEG, the GM opened up the pamphlet and went from intrigued, to confused, then upset. I had written the words "Glyph of Warding: Acid. Make a DEX save" on the inside of the pamphlet with a sharpie. Was holding on to that pamphlet for months waiting for an opportunity to use it. Best way to start a fight.
XD lol that’s great!
That is terrific.
You smooth son of a [piece of fecal matter]
That is fucking amazing!😆 Best way to start a fight ever (or end a life) buisness-wise!!!
i mean that’s not how glyph of warding works in 5e (cannot be moved more than 10ft from the spell’s origin) but still very sick nonetheless
My management legitimately used the term "Contractually Motivated," in a memo and holy christ does Enslaved just fit the bill so well.
It's more of indentured servitude as you had the choice to sign it. Slaves are taken by force. That's basically the only difference though.
Now i just want to play a Devil's Pact Warlock who's a lawyer
devil pact warlocks don't become lawyers and lawyers don't become devil pact warlocks .
Professional Courtesy
@@bluebird3281 I guess Keanu Reeves didn't get that memo
Why did you say lawyer twice? I thought lawyers already worked for the devil.
More like Home/collage loan brokers than lawyers, but whatever floats your boat.
Wait, there are Devil Pact Warlocks that aren’t lawyers?
"Negative Body State Gains"
if that isn't the most convoluted Lawyer description of death, I don't know what is.
Much better than "hamburger time".
pizza time
"Contractually motivated" slaves
@@broodypie2216 unpaid inturns
It sounds like a term you'd hear in an economics class LOL
remember kids, necromancy is just healing without giving up!
It's healing, but backwards ;^]
@@appi105 that's evocation
It's healing only after death
And you can't spell "necromancer" without "romance"!
@@daveh7720 lmao I never noticed this
"Don't forget to sign the wedding registry"
"This is an asmodean index"
*Racks shotgun* "Sign the registry"
But that's a mortal "no-no"! Back to basic training with you!
Ugh, he should have mentioned the free top of the line mixer.
"I thought your meant to remove the heart and eat it to retrieve their soul. . ."
InB4 the Erinyes lawyer the Mortal hired points to that exact moment as the reason why the contract was written under duress and thereby void.
Flashbacks to Doom Eternal:
“Remember, demon is an offensive term.”
Yes, I am aware there are differences between Devils (Hell/Lawful) and Demons (Abyss/Chaotic) in Dungeons&Dragons.
In order to avoid confusion in case of a Lvl 20 party attack, please reffer to them as 'mortaly challenged'.
Which are Tieflings connected to again
@@hanakoisbestgirl4752 any fiend technically. The generic one for 5E is Asmodeus connection so Devil. There are rules about racial changes for different Devils and Demons as the source of the Tiefling’s heritage. Personally I enjoyed 4E’s lore about Tieflings as they had their own Roman Empire so to speak. In 5E there is a series of novels (Brimstone Angel) that explains how a magic ritual swapped the blood type of many Tieflings to Asmodeus therefore increasing his power.
Well to be fair, calling a devil a demon WOULD be found incredibly offensive
@@eylore3934 cant be offended for long if you eat the offenders face.
I thought this was in the "intentionally shitty 90s corporate training video" but turns out TH-cam was just set to 144p for some reason.
That said I like the MLM hunbot style dnd class.
I saw this and set the quality to 144p
Then I thought "oh this isn't so bad...
But we can go *LOWER* "
And then I realized
No we can't
That is the scariest thing I've heard all day.
Not even shitty corporate training videos are that "crunchy", standard resolution on an old CRT can't be lower than modern 360p
YT has been having some issues in the last couple days.
probably just a snafu with soul sharing obligations with AAC...err, i mean alphabet inc.
This is why I'm with Hexblade LLC. They have all this and you get to focus on your client specifically, allowing you to better deal with their issues, such as:
- Stagnation of health
- increased identification of critical weaknesses, and the open presenting of said weaknesses.
- Easy, specialized soul transfers
- Specialized equipment
And
- Co-dependent relationship with your employer.
We at Asmodeus Investment Firm would like to request that you remove any and all recruitment attempts from and any other locations. If this request is not fulfilled we will be forced to file a lawsuit.
Uhhh I've been with the old one institute for years and I'm thinking of switching to a new company anyone willing to take in a simple gnome
Hexblade LLC ftw
@@deamonmindgaming2054 We at Asmodeus Investment firm unlike other firms and institutions that serve a similar purpose are accepting of any and all races of any shape or size. We provide ample attention to any and all employees who may need it giving the required training and then allowing for even further training if need be. We have a grace period of 10 days where you cannot be fired. We provide Dental, Medical benefits at almost no cost to join. So we formally invite you to become a member of the Asmodeus Investment Firm today.
Honestly, I much prefer Celestials Inc. We have Health Plans.
I imagine Puffin playing this video to his friends when anyone wants to go as a warlock.
How are you here too?!? 👏🏾
Lord Justin Y. hath come.
I didn’t know you liked D&D
Man I'm in the same boat as all these other replies. I'll see you again Justin
The king enjoys D&D. Noted.
Before the course-
"What will it cost?"
"Everything!"
What a blunder. But after the course...
"What will it cost?"
"Oh, not much."
👍Great success!👍
And as a bonus we got his eyes to stop saying "EVERYTHING!" too
Now try to read that with Borath voice!
Our human cleric worships Asmodeus and he is our party's lawyer. I sent him this video to see if we should make this more canon to his character.
Ah, but he's a cleric. Clerics are a more at-will employee and can be hired or fired at any time if their actions/beliefs etc. are outside the terms of their employment with the company, while warlocks have much specific contracts and would need to have another entity take on their contract before they could leave.
@@jayhill8892 Also Warlocks are paid on contingency(power comes now, job comes sometime later and may not even be known by the Patron at the time of contract, but till then they get to use th power to do whatever they want) where as Clerics are more like salary workers(they get x amount of power consistently, but they usually have to advance their god's agenda by doing a set of regular, smaller duties in-between any larger jobs, till they quit that is)
@@jayhill8892 what if I sell my soul to ten different dieties at once?
@@Gr3nadgr3gory They'd lock you in stasis while their underlings argued over who would end up getting your soul in celestial court.
@@Gr3nadgr3gory Inevitables ( magical extraplanar constructs ) would hunt down and claim the soul of a deal- breaking cheater..to be roasted and ground to dust ..
My brother plays as a necromancer and is “David S. Pumpkins”. He has a whole suit and it’s dope.
He’s his own thing, and the skeletons are...
PART OF IT!
@@tvdavis RARGH, I'M CRAZY!!!... FOR DAVID S. PUMPKINS!!
you have won everything. Take all of it.
Lol I love it.
David S. Pumpkins is of a show called SNL
"Asmodeus Investment Firm, where finance meets fun"
You could say it's a hell of a good time.
Enh. Their coffee machine in the breakroom makes everything taste like brimstone.
@@whiterabbit75 bro have you seen the floors there? their janitors suck, there’s hellfire like right in the entrance
Just make sure to read your contact and remember the devil is in the details.
It's a hell of a company, run by a hell of a boss
*snort*
I feel like you missed a joke. "Where old Hell meets "Hell, yeah!""
Damnit, I made that joke before realising you bet me to it!
Less of a "Hell, no!" and more of a "Hell, yeah!"
ngl this actually sounds like a hot deal of a job offer. free dental, Pensions, AND paid leave?
And you can leave at anytime, as long as you can find somebody else to be contractually motivated in your stead 😇😈
the millenial dream
Its bad when the devil makes a better deal then most jobs
Yeah my recruiter pitched me the same deal a few years back when I joined the Army... counting the days to when I leave now.
@@TerryAVanguard Thats kind of the point of faustian bargains tho
"PUNY MORTAL, YOUR SOUL NOW BELONGS TO ME!"
"Jokes on you - I clicked the "Accept" when I installed Origins on my PC."
"...WELL, F***."
Jokes on Origin, you and I clicked on accept for are google accounts...
Jokes on all of you, a water company contractually owns my soul for a case of decent canned water.
Jokes on you the capitalist economic system already owns all of our souls.
@@ryandooley287 Damn Corpos
This is why noone will own my soul- it's being argued over by the dozen+ shareholders.
Thinking of when I was playing a Wild Magic Sorcerer/Warlock who got hired to do a sermon for this magicy god Bahmaut. I was casting dancing lights, rolling performance, when _oops_ prestidigitation goes wiLd! I roll on my sheet, and get "A random creature within 60ft of you has the 'Fly' spell cast on them."
My DM then narrates how a little girl in a wheelchair just starts levitating, so I take this opportunity to shout "BEHOLD, THE POWER OF BAHMAUT!"
As everyone was filing out of the church, I was naturally passing out pamphlets advertising my warlock patron. "Feel bored with just regular magic? Try having a Patron _today!"_
Ah yes, Dancing Lights. The spell that freed a Terrasque.
Wait.....how did you get Bahamut to be a patron? He's a good dragon god.
@@kilo35jw
My patron was Charlie the Unicorn, not Bahamut.
How did it surge in a cantrip?
@@kilo35jw gods can be patrons, the best example of that being Asmodeus
I actually did this with a Old One pact warlock. He was a motivational speaker that taught you to put the “Can in ArCANe”. Phenomenal power, all you need to do is read this pamphlet...
I should do that. Mines a snake oil salesman who once sold a bunch of hobgoblin dicks as an aphrodisiac. Probably my favorite dnd story.
One time I crashed the British economy by starting a Blockbuster Video rip-off.
So basically Odin from Magnus Chase?
@zhuull1 first taste is free
I'm curious what an old one from the far realm would put on a pamphlet. Probably just a person gripping their face in existential terror
"contractually motivated"
*Wheezing*
It's depressing that I've worked with companies whose training videos are somehow more sinister than that of ACTUAL HELL's.
Devils are LAWful evil
“Negative body state gains” and “Health depreciation” have to be my favorite phrases XD
This is the most well put together EA & Activision employee training video I have ever seen. They forgot to mention that the contract has surprise mechanics. They also forgot to advertise the wild magic contract, which will fill will all customers with a sense of pride and accomplishment with every cast.
Those are referred to as “bonuses”
Still the best employee orientation I’ve ever attended. 🤷🏽♀️
And it didnt take 12 hours
Boomer Devil: "Argh, all these kids these days with their Hazbin Hotels and their Asmodeus MLMs! Back in my day we had to MAKE mortals know we were powerful, we had to make them know we were in charge! None of this sissy business deal crap, no! Hell was GREAT AND TERRIBLE because we made it that way!"
Zoomer Devil: "OK, Dante..."
a
I was thinking along the same lines. There is the generation before this where they killed for souls and were evil but now its becoming capitalism incarnate
Crewmate: Wait, hell is a metaphor for capitalism.
The Imposter: Always was.
@@evanbaker5813 When you think about how *Lawful* *Evil* works, and how it tends to extend to far-reaching political and governmental control over people, *communism* might actually seem like a brand of Lawful Evil that Devils would peddle.
Everyone always forgets Gen X. Whatever.
The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled wasn't convincing the world he didn't exist, but was that upper management actually gave a shit about the hourly workers.
Warlock: I can't make it to the game tonight.
Warlock Patron: Oh shoot we forgot to have you do your orientation didn't we!
And now I want to see a "Health Class" video on Wild Magic Sorcerers. "Your uncontrollable powers and you!"
As taught by Sips
@@librarianseth5572 YESSS!!!
well there are similar public service announcements ordained by his holiness the anime pope
@@iamRageTheWolf his heretical glory has his power restricted on Terra, leaving much of the rest of the Phlogiston unenlightened, so a new, broader, educatainment video would be best for our little apocalypses/miracles
@@iamRageTheWolf which anime pope? there's like dozens of those
Ben is... frighteningly good at this whole "evil" thing.
As someone who reads the fine print, I'm upset that the text was copy pasted.
Same
Same
On one hand i agree. On the other i thought it was a nice touch. Just the thought of the boss forcing an imp to write it before it gives up and hits CTRL+A, CTRL+C, CTRL+V, just males me laugh.
Also full of grammatical errors, typos and sentences that say nothing haha
6:03 Yes. As if that ain't one of the biggest deceptions in this contract. It doesn't say you are free if you find a replacement, it clearly states 'If the contractually bound employee can find a contractually bound replacement for his station, he will not have to fulfill his positions duty any longer'
Translated this doesn't release you from your contract.
As if anyone who reads those 666000 pages would fall for that
So basically you create a pyramid scheme?
@@bestaround3323 Nope, all that happens is that their duties are given to a new employee, they just no longer have to continue their job. Doesn't mean their name isn't still in the company books
@@seekerofalice9787 Does that mean I still get paid?
@@seekerofalice9787 confused so you aren't free?
I must say, I love how this portrays Warlocks, I actually play my Tiefling Fiend Warlock like this to an extent, her normal job aside from adventuring is seeking out individuals who are willing to be contractually motivated and pulling fast contracts on them.
I fail to understand what is the difference between this animation and a real-life recruitment video...oh wait! The animation is a work of fiction because it actually gives the chance to be *SUCCESSFUL* in your career!
I will see myself out, sorry
You didn't need to get so real with it bro....
Party: You sold your soul?
Warlock: What? The benefits were so good you couldn’t say no!
It’s not like I was using it for anything 🥴
i mean, they had dental...
You didn't "Sell Your Soul", you invested it!
"Pass up a chance for health and dental? In THIS economy?"
Seriously. Dental? In this economy? You gotta seize that opportunity
As military that "contractually motivated" hits a little to close to home
Yup
Ah, the good old Contract. You have an 100% binding obligation, but the country can render rewrite or nullify it at any time, for any reason. Especially right after elections.
felt that way also especially after you escape you find they can still call you back whenever they want
Bruh. Feeling ya.
@rabidsquirrel73 That's what happens wen enlistment target's teenagers without the life experience to properly read the contract and understand it before signing.
'Negative Body State Gains' is the most business-y term I have ever heard and I love it.
I just LOVE how Corporate cares for our individual lives. I feel that they really understand what it's like working on the floor. day in a day out we work directly with time-Challenge peoples. It can be really difficult to work with screamers, but having work benefits like the 401K equalization investment among all the others, working here really makes me feel all tingly inside.
That's the Attitude that will make you Head Souls Manager in no time !
Unlimited advancement opportunities !
Cash Bonuses !
Guaranteed condo on the picturesque Lake of Fire retirement resort !
This is so close to the training videos to sell life insurance theyre practically indistinguishable
I appreciate that AAC spells platinum as platnum. Makes them relatable.
Perhaps 'platnum' is a corporate trademark for something painful and torture-y?
Asmodeus Investment Firm thanks you for your contribution! Company materials and employee have now been corrected. As thanks for your contribution, we can get you a deal today! How about our two-for-one Sapphire Family Plan for you and your spouse*?
*spousal permission not required
Wep, That settles it. I'm making a Warlock/Bard Teifling who works as a door to door salesman whose only product is selling devil pacts. Sign over your soul and we'll get started.
*knocks on door*
Hello, did you know that you can reduce the life of your mortal enemies by 100% over the time of a second?
All it will cost you is the 5 minutes of your time to sign this contract (andsomeotherthingswrittendeepinthiscontracktlikeyoursoul).
*guy smacks door in front of my face*
“Well there goes the quota for this century.”
Slaps an unkeyed tome.
"This bad boy can fit so much eldritch blasts on your enemies!"
As someone who once worked for a company like this, this video resonated with me on many levels. Excellent job!
I like to imagine this is how warlocks make their pacts in a modern D&D setting.
"free dental/medical" I've noticed that this is immediately how you know some job parody is made by an American (I say this as an American)
This was so helpful! You realize how little training I got when I sold my soul? They just assumed I would already know everything about dragging an individual to the depths of hell after watching it once. It was way too much pressure 😵
"Remember, Devil can be an offensive term. Refer to them as Mortally Challenged."
I'm sitting here, watching this, as someone in sales, I'm left wondering if I've been a warlock all this time
Fo sure. Being in sales is pretty much a do-whatever-it-takes-we-don't-care-but-also-don't-offend-anyone-but-sell-all-this-crap-or-we'll-fire-your-ass kind of deal :P Glad I got out
End of video: ‘You can leave anytime as long as you can find someone to take over your position and be contractually motived’. Earlier in the video: ‘Don’t say Enslaved, say Contractually Motivated’ XD Nice one
Better than their first attempt to be hip with the ePact and iPact versions to sell your soul online.
Introducing the AAC Smart Contract™! Sell your soul today for limitless powers and a free WiFi integration!
I see you are a kobold of culture as well
Now you can just use BitPact.
"Now, _Who's ready for the PowerPoint?!?"_
PowerPoint?! The ultimate evil!!
Other term for mortals
Mortally inclined
Bodied
Living
Other terms for “clients”
Clients
Workers
Helpers
“Like Santa’s elves but cooler”
Other terms for deceased
Tell them they’ll be your Soul buddy
Less bodied
Mortality challenged
(Lie) not dead
Some more terms for deceased:
Living Impaired
Necro Capable
Mortality Compliant
underrated
Negative Living
Mortals: Potential Clients!, Deceased: Former Clients!
Satan's elves, got it
"Contractually motivated" had me dying
Fun Fact: every devil is a certified lawyer
I want to say something agents this but dnd devils can definitely represent in court
Dude, you’re too good at this. You’re giving me flashbacks to when I was “contractually motivated” at my old job.
Fun fact: I recently made a Warlock who pledged allegiance to Applekorp the fruit based technomagical demon. It's not sinister or anything, he just has to find a sucker every session and sell him an overpriced IStone™
I guess this is the new corporate training video then.
@ボイス ...he gets 25% off from his own IStones and Lord Supreme God Master Cook has reportedly promised to freeze any employee's testicles or eggs for free.
...
He also has an ability called "New IStone Unboxing" which beguiles everyone in a 10ft cube with fey-like presence.
Technomagical... I like that word!😄
I find the idea of a city locked in a propaganda battle between the clerics and warlocks hilarious, under free speech neither can persecute the other but both battle for the power of their patrons and by extension their own. Actually... now that I look at that, the parallels are quite depressing.
Isn't that basically just Theological Combat in Civilization?
@@webbowser8834 No it's basically what's going on in the US as we speak.
That would not happen because the two factions would be trading blood by noon
@@jacobnoelle8428 But the one that draws first blood will be illegalised.
@@user-ez9ng2rw9c god damn religious cold wars
AAC: don’t be racist
Also AAC: use HUMAN flesh
They said racist not speciest.
Hey, human skin makes some quite fine leather. Elf skin is too thin and tears easily and Dwarven skin is too rough that you can hardly write anything on it. Human skin is juuuuuust right.
@@bigbadbob7070 And orc skin is usually painted anyway.
@@Kobrag90 It's not racist! Spell components are very specific. After all, you can't make a fireball with seagull guano!
It's just science
4:38 Demons: "Racism is NOT okay!"
*Humanity left the chat*
Grrrrrr they're devils not demons. There's a big difference >:[
@@mrscechy8625 Ehh, Demon, Devils, Fey, same difference
@@bestaround3323 fey left the chat
Appreciate the Eye of Sauron and Mount Doom? references in the Asmodeus Investments Firm.
Also they care about the "undecided customers"! Making sure the "Mortal No-Nos are kept to a minimum. We really need to improve after last quarter, guys. We had a 5% loss of "contractually obligated" customers due to these incidents, people. I'm looking at you, Larry. You really need to get your heart-ripping addiction under control, or we may have to let you go. (We're going to erase you from existence, Larry.)
Ya that's over but we still have like 2 hours of Osha videos to go through.
Starting other associates on fire is frowned upon.
"Dont say enslaved, say contractually motivated" oh look, its the average american worker
Ah yes, because being obligated by the government, meaning at the end of a gun, is sooo much better.
Imagine an Imp ' handler ' , constantly nudging and prompting mortals to work harder, faster, and climb that " ladder of success.."
🤔👺🔥
@@sha2143 what are you, an an-cap?
@@aliasofgray2854 In a sense. I believe there will be a time for that, but we're not there yet technologically. I think government should consist of the absolute minimum. Everything the government does by interacting in the markets acts against the interest of the people, and in the favor the select few it benefits.
@@sha2143 bc capitalism totally doesn't do that
This is not only a wonderfull character idea, but also a great satire of cooperations.
satire because no real company would give dental, a pension, and paid time off^^ Everything else was spot on
Flashbacks to my first job and how they lied to us right in the face
“Time Challenged people” I’m dying.
Contractually movitated got me as well as negative body state gains. LOL
This went on way longer than I thought it would. I love it.
Can't wait to be a mult-level marketing warlock employee.
*Convince just 3 others to join your downline, and you too can be an independent, successful soul-stealer!*
This is what we get for calling the demons mortally challenged.
You never fail to entertain. Thanks man. Keep up the good work. It is literally the highlight of my day when I see a new video from you
Well this is the most believable version of Hell I've ever seen.
Is the "index" a mechanical thing from a Warlock Invocation that I'm unfamiliar with? Or made up for this video? (Entertaining either way, but the vulnerability there seems ... more problematic than usual.)
Also, would your index be a certain magical one? ::ducks and runs::
I saw what you did there... the police are on the way.
No, but you could use pact of the tome for soul book
@@dorca9308
Hm...
Ledger Of Souls
Prerequisite: Pact of the Tome, Book of Secrets
If you can get a living creature to sign its name or make its mark in your Book of Shadows, your Patron gains a claim on their afterlife. Whether this is exclusive or merely an influence varies by Patron (and is up to your DM), but the consequences are real, if delayed. Anything you write as an agreed-upon service you will perform for them in return for this, you are under a _geas_ to complete. In return, you may add any Ritual of up to the signee's CR or character level to your book.
Made up, though they do have mechanical benefits for the name thing in TaCoE.
@@segevstormlord3713 ohh, I want.
I have a character idea that basically uses this, but without mechanical implementation.
My idea was for her to be a celestial warlock of Asmodeus (yeah he is a devil, but he was an angel and he is the master of lies. Giving someone healing powers to trick people into thinking this warlock has better intentions than they do seems up his alley) who asks people who she saved to sign their name as her patron required her to save 100 lives in return for saving hers.
But I like your idea better
If they have "Casual Fridays" i'm sold....
In hell every day is casual friday...CAUSE THERE IS NO WEEKEND!!!
YES ANOTHER ANIMATED VID those were m favorites so when he stopped with them I was sad but now theres a new one!
So is this what Kyubey watched before making contracts with Magical girls?
The inconsistent pronunciation of Asmodeus is, I'm assuming, a carefully constructed torture.
This has got to be one of the best videos you've ever made
Demon: what do you want in exchange for your soul?
Me: I want money, power, women, s*X, status and glory. The finer things in life.
Demon: look I can do a lot for a soul but I am no miracle worker, your soul isn’t worth anything near that much.
Me: ok so what about for a ham and cheese sandwich?
Demon: nope that’s still asking for too much.
Me: :(
Ill take your soul if you give ME a ham sandwich
Offer a barbecue sauce sandwich.
It works with Planetary Governors.
Half a ham and cheese sandwich?
The sandwich made me think of this tumblr thread. www.reddit.com/r/tumblr/comments/8c0z45/angels_demons_and_sandwiches_the_complete_saga/
This is the most creative way I've ever seen someone summarize the Devil lore in Dnd.
"It's Life-Losing Time!"
This sounds like a pretty good Multiclass “mentor” NPC (or PC if that’s the way you’re playing)
Establish a new brand, less old Hell and ,more like "Hell, yeah!" -- Great vid Puffin!
God this makes me want to give my Lawful Evil Noble Warlock another try. i had to leave that game cause my group was a bunch of cult-y assholes groveling at the DM's feet like he was jesus
im not kidding
My favorite portrayal of Hell is as a corporate office place, with Kafka levels of paperwork needed for even the smallest thing.
This video is one of greatest DND themed TH-cam videos of all time
Thanks for this! Hopefully the humans and I can make pacts forged in blood and fire in peace for now...
4:42
You'd think Elf souls would be worth more because they reincarnate over and over again and so probably have way more life experience or whatever it is in souls that devils like.
nah dude, we just turn them into lava lamps. Sure different souls have different colours but when you get as many souls as we do you can always find a buyer.
Meh, I don't fall for that vegan soul diet crap.
Canonically, the only thing Devils value in souls is ambition.
Because of this, Human and Dragon souls are the most prized.
I'd like to file a complaint on my contract. I don't remember it saying that i have the head of a goat now
It was in the fine print that can only be read during full moons.
@@Suvarestin Darn full moon fine print. You go out of your way to read the new moon fine print, and they catch you off guard with the time limit to accept, meaning that you can't read the full moon fine print, so you're screwed over no matter what you do. Great idea! Thanks for the tip, boss. I'm totally gonna sneak that into my next devils contract. XP
@@Ryu_D and this is why you don't let the devil write the actual contract, and specify in the contract that only the parts you wrote count.... and further clarify only what you wrote of your own free will and not under threat... and then make sure to note its only what you wrote on that specific piece of paper and in the order you wrote it read left to right and then each line in order.
poor George the contractually motivated warlock in HR learned that last one the hard way he went to the trouble of rewriting his potential contract 100 times to get the perfect terms ready before the summoning and then the devil cherry picked terms from all 100 drafts and a random self-insert fanfic George wrote to make an agreement that best suited it.
It was in addendum to a addendum under special rules, section 3a paragraph 7b subsection 34 with a hyperlink to SOP book page 423.
Seriously guys do you even read your contracts?
You people said a lot of things and thats great for business but why can't help me return my head to the mantis head I used to have?
IDK why, ever since I came across Asmodeus, I always thought that he is the Corporate Overlord type
Oh my god. This sounds exactly like if south park did a D&D special. Stay awesome, Puffin!
Instead of "old hell" we believe in "HELL YEAH!"
Y'know, this place sounds kinda nice they have dental, paid off time, long vacations, and you only need social skills
hahaha "Contractually Motivated" made me lose my shit
Was really unsure what kind of person would willingly go for this job, and how desperate you would truly need to be.
Then I heard that the employees are "contractually motivated", and that made perfect sense.
That might have been the best pro asmodeus video I have ever seen. As a cleric of Asmodeus I support this with all of your heart.
But hear me out:
-devil pact warlock whos a videogame developer and make an app for phones so people have to read a loooooong terms and conditions to play and hidden in that text is the 'gave your eternal soul to asmodeus' so there hundreds of souls! What do you mean videogame companies already do that? Bethesda do what now? Nintendo?
I think one company in they terms of use of thier game as a joke write that you sold your soul to them. As a joke....
I dont remember wich game was that but tho..
@@GreatCezar1 I remember the court of their country made an official ruling on that, too. If the soul was not real, it would not be a proper transaction due to the seller not receiving payment, and if the soul were real, it would be classed as part of the human body, and thus protected by organ trafficking laws.
i remember reading a short story about that where hero made it for joke but it turned out true. With a whole twist where protagonist has to trick a fine print reader so he dont realize that his souls is eternally sold to printer, i had too much fun reading that
The TV show Legends of Tomorrow did that, a devil hiding a contract in a long Terms of Service thing for an app.
"Let's get out there and turn those Hell No's into Hell Yea's!"
“James dean” was first so everyone knows
are sure... about that? ; )
@@jonathanolsgaard599 sort by newest and go to the bottom
Paganini would like a word with you, but he's likely a little tied up at the moment.
This might be the most accurate warlock character/retail worker training video of all time.
"And remember, you have to sacrifice three more babies by the end of the week or YOU'RE FIRED!"