I think that "Nonviolent Communication" is the most important book on communication I've ever read. Most communication literature I've read (especially about relationships) leave me feeling too vulnerable to getting hurt if the other party chooses not to follow the same "rules". This book taught me that I'm responsible for my own feelings which then means I'm empowered to feel what I want to feel rather than being a victim of my emotions. One of the hardest parts of this book for me was trying to separate feelings from interpretations. My vocabulary for feelings is small and so I have a hard time identifying my own emotions. My mind wants to gravitate towards interpretations to fill this gap. So, I had to construct an imagined scenario to try to discern a feeling from an interpretation. My scenario is "can I have this 'feeling' if I was alone stranded on a deserted island with no one else around?" If the answer is "no", I can't have this "feeling" in the absence of another person, then I must conclude it's not a feeling but rather an interpretation. For example, "feeling criticized" is an interpretation. Feeling sad because I think I have been criticized is a feeling. There are still some feeling words that confuse me, like "embarrassed". Can I feel embarrassed in the absence of other people? Is feeling embarrassed a feeling or an interpretation?
I've been learning Nonviolent Communication since 2009. It's great to see your summary of it. I enjoy the way you have broken it down as it is not a simple topic to explain! I hope you don't mind that I am going to put a link to it on my website. I am enthusiastic about how NVC has changed my life (& given me a career!) mostly though deepening my connections, but in other personal areas too. And I have discovered I love looking at feelings lists, because it really helps me to nail the name of it! Equally needs. I have read somewhere that as we use more feelings and needs words, there are some positive changes in our brain. Thanks for helping to spread this helpful technique and way of looking at conflicts.
I am an English speaker living and working in Sweden. I am also studying the Swedish language and must write a paper on language. .. I am obsessed with empathy so I decided to incorporate empathy and use of language. This video helped me .... thank you.
Thank you for making and sharing this video! I'm slowly learning about NVC and am grateful for having access to this concise yet very complete (as I see it) breakdown of the core process you follow. I'll be returning to this video many times I'm sure, thanks again!
Great to hear! It really gives me tremendous satisfaction to know that my channel is helping you do that important work. I wish you and your patients well. Please share the channel with your colleagues and even with your patients.
Thank you for your materials, I find them really useful. My personal journey of learning the communication skills has started this winter with Rosenberg. You've done me a great favor with this channel in exposing other ideas and authors and summarizing them concisely. I'd like to make Rosenberg a justice and add on top of your great video that he claimed nonviolent communication needs to include making the request to fulfill the stated needs; besides observing situation, detecting the feelings and stating the needs behind the feelings.
Thank you. You’re right about the importance of requesting for your needs to be met in nonviolent communication. I mentioned in my video that this is an important step, but that I will address it in a separate video.
@@HowCommunicationWorks I'm looking forward to the video. Btw. I just got an idea. If you have time, I'd really appreciate you putting somewhere a list of relevant literature for the topics you've covered. I've discovered mr. Rosenberg and you pretty accidentally, and from you I found out about mr. Voss and mr. Gottman. I think it would be invaluable to have relevant literature listed out by someone so knowledgable, in a similar way you've created your playlists. Maybe even for some perquisites, or the topics you don't intend to cover in videos but deem important. Cheers!
Wow, this is so wonderful! Why is this not taught in school? Would have save my whole life from crazy relationships!!! Better late than never. Thank you
I would put respect at the top of needs along with caring, courtesy, consideration. My mom seemed to have only one word for her feelings--upset. How I grew up did seem to be a lot of blaming and guilt. I think another issue is expectations, maybe especially from how you were raised and taught. We get negative emotions when other people do not behave as we expect they are supposed to behave. This is probably especially true within family and regarding age. If we were not taught these expectations, different behavior than expected would probably not bother us. A big problem with that is how life/society changes, but we may have expectations that are more of bygone days.
Hi, I'm new to this channel. I truly appreciate your suggestions. I've being feeling overwhelmed and alienated latetly. Enventhoug I'm doing my best-known, I'm experiencing difficulty with my communication skills. Is my desire to approach critical situations in a healthier and practical way. Thanks and blessings to you🙌
This lesson brings a lot of hope. Thank you so much. Can you help me and give me your opinion on this? Ever since I learned about nonviolent communication, I've been trying to use it when I need to. I've actually been using this technique since last year. First of all, it has made my life so much better because throughout my whole life or culture, I used to stay quiet for a long time when someone treated me badly, was rude, or when there was a misunderstanding. Here are my questions for you (or anyone who knows this solution from your own experience, please share, as I really want to learn): I have encountered three types of people so far when I use this technique. The first type of people respond well, apologize first, trying to understand my feelings and things move on very well. The second type of person doesn't apologize. doesn't want to accept the mistakes that she made and becomes very defensive, and denies her problems. And saying back to me that my nonviolent communication words hurt her feelings. The third type of person criticizes me only and blames me only. It seems like the person is manipulating me or gaslighting. I'm struggling to deal with the second and third types of people. Please, I request a solution.
Good stuff Bruce! This is coming in handy for me today. This morning I woke up feeling compelled to write to someone regarding my feelings about their response to the coronavirus pandemic. I got the first two parts right: Observation, Naming feelings. I didnt connect the message back to getting my needs met. Good thing I didn't send it yet! Thanks so much!! Sending encouragement for you to create more videos about this subject and getting better about our feelings!
Sharon, you’ve been such a consistent supporter of my work here, and it really means a lot to me. I will continue to do videos about empathy and emotions. I think both topics are fundamental, and of course I struggle with them too. Thanks again. Let me know how that message turns out.
Dear Professor Lambert, thank you so much for your great job. The issue of communication is crucial for me because of my being an orchestra conductor. We need always keep in mind that we're not working with instruments - we're working with people playing instruments. So thanks to your channel I feel that I can really improve my communication skills. Indeed, this is sort of specific issue about the comminication between conductor and orchestra. Would you like to make a video about that? Anyway, thanks a lot and have a great week ahead! Greetings from New York, Dmitrii Russu.
Thank you so much for this comment. I’m glad you found it to be helpful. I would love to make a video about that topic, but I don’t think I know enough about it I always marvel at how a conductor communicates with the orchestra. I’m a musician also but I play popular music like rock ‘n’ roll, blues, folk, and americana. One thing that always puzzles me about classical music is that I can’t feel the beat or the pulse. It’s so different in classical music than it is in popular music even when I watch the conductors arms, I still can’t always feel the pulse. So I’m afraid your profession is still too much of a mystery to me, though, I do think it’s critical for you to have empathy with the musicians in the orchestra, especially when you’re trying to constructively criticize their performance
it is always inspireing to watch your videos i have been on a NV course for many years ago i found it hard at that time to implement . you made it looks easy so i will give the book Speak Peace in a World of Conflict: a try
Wonderful content, however I don't agree with the title , which suggests communication is violence. Violence is inherently physical. Abuse can be verbal or physical. Using phrases such as "violent communication " elevates it to the whole different level, which can be exploited and manipulated by others exploit in their own interests
If you speak with a violent communicator like this they will consider you weak and step on you. This only works if there is bilateral concern for each other's feelings. For example personal experience: Me: I feel upset when you say this to me.... Responder Oh you are just overly sensitive! Thank you DiSMISSED!
@@HowCommunicationWorks my ex is a family therapist master graduate, And she tried explaining these things and honestly it was all gibergable to me lol. It’s so easy to understand the way you explain it. I’ve already had better convos because it. Blessed to find you work
Please consider getting a professional mic if you haven't done so already. I do realize that this video was done over 3 years ago but there's an echo that can be distracting when you're speaking
Thanks Jamie! Actually the audio here is below my normal standard. The mic was attached to a hot show adaptor on the phone but not fully connected. So the audio was all from the camera mic. I did my best to fix it in post but I still notice it. Thanks again.
I think that "Nonviolent Communication" is the most important book on communication I've ever read. Most communication literature I've read (especially about relationships) leave me feeling too vulnerable to getting hurt if the other party chooses not to follow the same "rules". This book taught me that I'm responsible for my own feelings which then means I'm empowered to feel what I want to feel rather than being a victim of my emotions. One of the hardest parts of this book for me was trying to separate feelings from interpretations. My vocabulary for feelings is small and so I have a hard time identifying my own emotions. My mind wants to gravitate towards interpretations to fill this gap. So, I had to construct an imagined scenario to try to discern a feeling from an interpretation. My scenario is "can I have this 'feeling' if I was alone stranded on a deserted island with no one else around?" If the answer is "no", I can't have this "feeling" in the absence of another person, then I must conclude it's not a feeling but rather an interpretation. For example, "feeling criticized" is an interpretation. Feeling sad because I think I have been criticized is a feeling. There are still some feeling words that confuse me, like "embarrassed". Can I feel embarrassed in the absence of other people? Is feeling embarrassed a feeling or an interpretation?
Great comment! I also struggle with the feelings vs. interpretation issue.
Thank you for the framework for telling them apart. That sounds like a very helpful approach.
I feel grateful because I have a real need for better communicating non-violently and you have helped me grow closer to that goal, you jerk.
I've been learning Nonviolent Communication since 2009. It's great to see your summary of it. I enjoy the way you have broken it down as it is not a simple topic to explain! I hope you don't mind that I am going to put a link to it on my website. I am enthusiastic about how NVC has changed my life (& given me a career!) mostly though deepening my connections, but in other personal areas too. And I have discovered I love looking at feelings lists, because it really helps me to nail the name of it! Equally needs. I have read somewhere that as we use more feelings and needs words, there are some positive changes in our brain. Thanks for helping to spread this helpful technique and way of looking at conflicts.
Thank you. Of course please do link to this video. Best of luck to you.
I am an English speaker living and working in Sweden. I am also studying the Swedish language and must write a paper on language. .. I am obsessed with empathy so I decided to incorporate empathy and use of language. This video helped me .... thank you.
Best of luck! Thank you. Please share the channel with your classmates.
interesting! would u say that Swedish doesn't express empathy as English does?
Thank you for posting and making this information available in an easy to follow, concise manner.
Sometimes I just don't know where to start.
Thank you for making and sharing this video! I'm slowly learning about NVC and am grateful for having access to this concise yet very complete (as I see it) breakdown of the core process you follow. I'll be returning to this video many times I'm sure, thanks again!
This entire world needs to watch this video. It would be a very different place.
Great stuff as usual. I work in psychiatric care and empathic communication has worked every time. Thanks to you and Chris Voss.
Great to hear! It really gives me tremendous satisfaction to know that my channel is helping you do that important work. I wish you and your patients well. Please share the channel with your colleagues and even with your patients.
Fantastic material, so clearly explained. 😊
This is a great explanation of Nonviolent communication.
Thank you for your materials, I find them really useful. My personal journey of learning the communication skills has started this winter with Rosenberg. You've done me a great favor with this channel in exposing other ideas and authors and summarizing them concisely.
I'd like to make Rosenberg a justice and add on top of your great video that he claimed nonviolent communication needs to include making the request to fulfill the stated needs; besides observing situation, detecting the feelings and stating the needs behind the feelings.
Thank you. You’re right about the importance of requesting for your needs to be met in nonviolent communication. I mentioned in my video that this is an important step, but that I will address it in a separate video.
@@HowCommunicationWorks I'm looking forward to the video.
Btw. I just got an idea. If you have time, I'd really appreciate you putting somewhere a list of relevant literature for the topics you've covered. I've discovered mr. Rosenberg and you pretty accidentally, and from you I found out about mr. Voss and mr. Gottman. I think it would be invaluable to have relevant literature listed out by someone so knowledgable, in a similar way you've created your playlists. Maybe even for some perquisites, or the topics you don't intend to cover in videos but deem important.
Cheers!
Great idea.
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 This is a fantastically helpful post. Looking forward to the follow up.
Thank you!
Wow, this is so wonderful! Why is this not taught in school? Would have save my whole life from crazy relationships!!! Better late than never. Thank you
I would put respect at the top of needs along with caring, courtesy, consideration.
My mom seemed to have only one word for her feelings--upset. How I grew up did seem to be a lot of blaming and guilt.
I think another issue is expectations, maybe especially from how you were raised and taught. We get negative emotions when other people do not behave as we expect they are supposed to behave. This is probably especially true within family and regarding age. If we were not taught these expectations, different behavior than expected would probably not bother us. A big problem with that is how life/society changes, but we may have expectations that are more of bygone days.
Great summary!
Yep....good stuff.
Love this! Thanks for sharing Bruce.
Thank you, Kenny.
Thanks for this video. I WILL SHARE IT!
Thanks for sharing!!
I could've used this video 2 weeks ago. Thanks for uploading
Sorry I didn’t get it out to you sooner.
Hi, I'm new to this channel. I truly appreciate your suggestions. I've being feeling overwhelmed and alienated latetly. Enventhoug I'm doing my best-known, I'm experiencing difficulty with my communication skills. Is my desire to approach critical situations in a healthier and practical way. Thanks and blessings to you🙌
Thank you!
i liked this video. BUT where is the sequel to this you talk about at the end of this video?
I’m bad. Still haven’t made it…
😂😂😂
Amazing video thanks for sharing
This lesson brings a lot of hope. Thank you so much.
Can you help me and give me your opinion on this?
Ever since I learned about nonviolent communication, I've been trying to use it when I need to. I've actually been using this technique since last year.
First of all, it has made my life so much better because throughout my whole life or culture, I used to stay quiet for a long time when someone treated me badly, was rude, or when there was a misunderstanding.
Here are my questions for you (or anyone who knows this solution from your own experience, please share, as I really want to learn):
I have encountered three types of people so far when I use this technique.
The first type of people respond well, apologize first, trying to understand my feelings and things move on very well.
The second type of person doesn't apologize.
doesn't want to accept the mistakes that she made and becomes very defensive, and denies her problems.
And saying back to me that my nonviolent communication words hurt her feelings.
The third type of person criticizes me only and blames me only. It seems like the person is manipulating me or gaslighting.
I'm struggling to deal with the second and third types of people. Please, I request a solution.
Can't wait for the next vid
Thank you. I haven't done another nonviolent comm video yet, but I will eventually.
I found this very helpful, many thanks.
Thanks Jonathan!
Good stuff Bruce! This is coming in handy for me today. This morning I woke up feeling compelled to write to someone regarding my feelings about their response to the coronavirus pandemic. I got the first two parts right: Observation, Naming feelings. I didnt connect the message back to getting my needs met. Good thing I didn't send it yet! Thanks so much!! Sending encouragement for you to create more videos about this subject and getting better about our feelings!
Sharon, you’ve been such a consistent supporter of my work here, and it really means a lot to me. I will continue to do videos about empathy and emotions. I think both topics are fundamental, and of course I struggle with them too. Thanks again. Let me know how that message turns out.
Amazing video, I appreciate you!
This is excellent, esp. re Needs.
Thank you very much Ian.
Dear Professor Lambert, thank you so much for your great job. The issue of communication is crucial for me because of my being an orchestra conductor. We need always keep in mind that we're not working with instruments - we're working with people playing instruments. So thanks to your channel I feel that I can really improve my communication skills. Indeed, this is sort of specific issue about the comminication between conductor and orchestra. Would you like to make a video about that? Anyway, thanks a lot and have a great week ahead! Greetings from New York, Dmitrii Russu.
Thank you so much for this comment. I’m glad you found it to be helpful. I would love to make a video about that topic, but I don’t think I know enough about it I always marvel at how a conductor communicates with the orchestra. I’m a musician also but I play popular music like rock ‘n’ roll, blues, folk, and americana. One thing that always puzzles me about classical music is that I can’t feel the beat or the pulse. It’s so different in classical music than it is in popular music even when I watch the conductors arms, I still can’t always feel the pulse. So I’m afraid your profession is still too much of a mystery to me, though, I do think it’s critical for you to have empathy with the musicians in the orchestra, especially when you’re trying to constructively criticize their performance
it is always inspireing to watch your videos i have been on a NV course for many years ago i found it hard at that time to implement . you made it looks easy so i will give the book Speak Peace in a World of Conflict: a try
You're doing fantastic my friend, been loving the content and growth of the channel. Keep it up :)
Thank you so much. Good to hear from you.
Let’s toast to emotional liberation!
Wonderful content, however I don't agree with the title , which suggests communication is violence. Violence is inherently physical. Abuse can be verbal or physical. Using phrases such as "violent communication " elevates it to the whole different level, which can be exploited and manipulated by others exploit in their own interests
If you speak with a violent communicator like this they will consider you weak and step on you. This only works if there is bilateral concern for each other's feelings.
For example personal experience:
Me: I feel upset when you say this to me....
Responder Oh you are just
overly sensitive!
Thank you DiSMISSED!
True. But then and only then you know who is who😊
You amazing, I’m learning some much Thank you
You’re very kind, Elkhart. Thank you.
@@HowCommunicationWorks my ex is a family therapist master graduate,
And she tried explaining these things and honestly it was all gibergable to me lol. It’s so easy to understand the way you explain it. I’ve already had better convos because it. Blessed to find you work
Agin thanks. Explaining complex ideas is my superpower. Please share the channel with your friends.
Please consider getting a professional mic if you haven't done so already. I do realize that this video was done over 3 years ago but there's an echo that can be distracting when you're speaking
Luv this video Bruce! Great sound, lighting & content BTW (jrockstar007 TikTok)
Thanks Jamie! Actually the audio here is below my normal standard. The mic was attached to a hot show adaptor on the phone but not fully connected. So the audio was all from the camera mic. I did my best to fix it in post but I still notice it. Thanks again.
@@HowCommunicationWorks take the compliment Bruce 😉 it’s great! Fantastic content!
@@HowCommunicationWorks so what you are telling me is you made cinematic magic with tech failure 😁 👍
Exactly.
@@HowCommunicationWorks #luvit
I feel angry because you're attacking me lol
Whatever language you would use. It means the same. FYou is the same. It is non non-violent.
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