I think the topic was too much for Pixie to handle 😥😥 there are resources in the description box if you need them. Reminder to please be kind to each other in the comments, everyone has different lived experiences and this topic is so personal to us all for many reasons. We can share our opinions without attacking each other. I had some people threaten me in the survey and it's not needed, I don't want to add barriers to my community, I involve you a LOT in my work because I want good conversations to happen, and I want to be able to help foster that but that can't happen if people are threatening my safety.
@@EgalitarianWoman I post them in my community tab and I also shared them in my instagram stories, if you're subscribed then you'll be notified of my community posts :)
People threatening you over this is so absurd and cruel! You would never deserve that. Thank you for making the video and asking people for their stories. It's horrible that people would use your openness as an avenue to threaten or harass.
Hey - I was the queer 30 year age gap relationship - I think I used the f word a couple of times in the survey as emphasis and I apologize if that felt threatening. The idea of making my relationship illegal - which would be a direct threat to my own and my partner's survival in this country - was very triggering for me and I struggled to stay calm, but I apologize for any distress I may have caused. I would say this was for the most part a good, balanced look at the question of age gap relationships - still somewhat influenced by your biases imo, but then we all are really - myself very much included. I appreciate you and the work you do and here is the emoji that means I watched to the end. ⛑️
Roger Moore, one of the actors who played James Bond, actually quit the role because he was so uncomfortable with the fact that they kept casting way younger girls as his love interests. He actually pointed out that some of them were young enough to be his granddaughter. Good on him for that
The thing about the 'older woman makes sexual advances on minor' trope, the male teen is usually taller and physically stronger than the woman (he's also good looking), so it isn't seen as inappropriate and it's portrayed as a win for her. If the teen was shorter than the woman, then it would be alarming. Still, no matter how tall, macho, or handsome the teen is, he's still a minor and the woman is knowingly taking advantage of his adolescent mind. Let's drop this double standard.
If you say that an adult woman can be a pedophile and that it is disgusting to see an adult woman dating a minor, comments from male users will automatically come saying the following: ''You're envious'', ''you're taking away the boy's masculinity'', ''it's normal to have a crush and sleep with an older woman'', ''men have been sexual beings since we were teenagers'', ''don't treat a boy like he's a baby''. Pedophilia is pedophilia, and I don't agree with any of them, and the media can paint it as pretty as possible so that it is accepted in society, and still, it will still be disturbing.
@@Alexandraadftxr7052 Ok, I'll be honest too: 1- Pedophilia is pedophilia; the media can put an adult woman/young boy relationship as the most beautiful and innocent thing in the world, and still, it will still be pedophilia. 2- That you personally have not heard a young boy talk about his bad experience with an older woman does not indicate that there are no cases of rape and trauma. 3- Culture greatly influence the way a boy thinks and feels; remember that men are seen as sexual beings, always urged and ready to use the sausage. These stereotypes/expectations/standards come to the boy's mind as a demand, and that boy may feel bad thinking that he is not sexually attracted to an older woman, not having the taste like everyone else, not complying with the standards of a ''manly boy''. The result is that the boy does not feel comfortable exposing his dislikes with other boys. 4- The responsibility of an adult is to protect and guide the young person in the path of life, not to take advantage of his inexperience in life. Adults aren't a teenager, accept it, and the time to be with teenagers is over. 5- This toxic mentality causes suicides in young boys who do not have the courage to communicate their displeasures to the world and who cannot seek the proper professional help to face this problem; it also means that the complaints of boys abused by women are not taken into account and their events are seen as a joke. 6- Boys are human beings just like anyone else. A grown woman has no right to treat a young boy like a sex slave. Everyone has human rights.
@@BarbieMariposa1613 I never justafaid it. And plus I was in a worse place mentaly (basicly I just had enough of misogenistic bullshit, especially how male victoms are often used to discredit female victoms, with the lie of "it's the same amount if not more". And plus sainc then I actually read something, about it, so my openion is somewhat changed. So sorry if I sounded ignorent.) 1. I know that it's still pedophilia. I hate Colleen Belington too. And depctions of young boy "romanticly" involved with an adult women is still bad. That's one of my problems with a series I watch (basicly an adult women flashed her panties to a teenege boy to manipluet him (and the audienc is suposed to symphatise with her, yeah it's bad)). 2. I know, that rape can happan, and that boys can get trauma from it. But the thing is, I never really read or heard abut boys, or men who feelt uncomfortable, and or hatered towards the oposit sex (common with girls, and women this happand to). There can be victoms like that? Shure, but I would still like to read about it, from a more progresiv point of view (the ones MRA wrote, were just blaming women for men chosing to rape boys, and blame feminism, for female predeters existing.) 3.Yes. That's one problem too. You also left out that the strereo type that women are not sexual (wich could play a part in downplaying it). And I think to condact a research about the effects of sexual trauma on boys, and men, that colutural streotype (men are hypersexual), needs to day. 4. I know it. I was sexually harrassed by a man before I become 18. I never justafaid it, I just thought that it was defrent. When the genders are reversed. 5. And another reason why boys, and men don't tend to seek perfesional help, is stigma areund men being valnurable, and arounf therapy in general. 6. I know that boys are human beings. (sorry for the bad English It's not my first laungvige, and misunderstending.)
When I was 16, I met the karate instructor who was 28, who would later become my boyfriend. This was through a program specifically aimed at vulnerable people suffering from severe mental illness, and I had just been diagnosed with undifferentiated schizophrenia and was on meds for it. About half a year after I turned 17, he and I were hanging out alone at his place a lot, taking long walks, and I was apparently "very obviously into him" and trying very hard to be with him. This was his excuse later when I accused him of abuse. I came onto him and he was hesitant. Not because of my age, of course, but because I was overweight. He forced me to exercise and coerced me into weaning off my meds so I would lose weight. After I'd lost about 35 kgs, my clothes became the issue, then I was stressing him out because of all my mental illness issues, and then he broke it off with me, because I'd tried to break up with him 4 times, and it was making him exhausted to try to get back with me :( poor thing. I barely remember anything from the 2 years we were together. It's mostly blacked out, and I'm kinda happy it is.
I'm so sorry, that honestly sounds terrible :( I hope you're in a better place now and have been able to get some help to deal with that, makes me so angry reading things like this. I really hope he hasn't done that again to others
@@BryonyClaire It's been 8 years since then and I've had lots of wonderful therapy! I'm now in a completely different part of life, and as far as I know, he has been in and out of therapy himself and hasn't been with anyone else. Wins all around. I do think it's really important to share these stories, even though they're rough, so that young people have more resources. Thank you so much for doing such a long video on it!
I've never had an age gap relationship, but I realise how strange my parents' was - they started dating (and got married like within a year) when my mom was 19 and my dad 25. They were married for 25 years, until my mom finally did what she wanted and took a job in a city she had been begging to move to for years. Rather than keep the family together, as my dad had a easily relocatable job, my dad stayed put and found a 23 year old, who was one year younger than my brother! at the time I didn't think anything of it and had the "age is nothing but a number" attitude. having grown up and with distance - what I see is that my mom took her power back, and my dad had to find someone else that was pliable. Fwiw, that relationship broke in basically the exact same way as the one with my mom's.
Relatable. My mom was pregnant with me when she was 17 and my dad was 28. They did get married and stayed together for a long time even though my dad (although not physically abusive) wasn’t great to her but, eventually, my mom found her power and left him in her 30s and now has a husband 1 year younger than her and they seem very happy together.
Similar to my parents: Mum had just turned 20 when they married, and Dad was 30. They stayed together until he died 26 years later, but I never felt like they were happy. They didn't believe in divorce, so there's no way to know if they wanted to split. The bad thing is, when I (the only daughter) was approaching 20, my mum got really keen to get me coupled with someone, anyone... But I didn't want that. I wanted to get to know myself first. I'm 32 now and still dread the thought of marriage. I feel like I got the "What not to do" manual from my parents, lol. I'm not entirely against age-gap relationships when they're between proper adults that are equals, though. But, then again, thinking back to my Dad... I can barely understand early-20-somethings when they speak. Dating one would sound exhausting, marrying one more like a nightmare.
@@bilalbhuttiali1411 6 years of experience tends to make a difference, one just left high school, the other probably finished college and already been working for some years.
My grandmother was groomed by her friends dad and had my mum. It was hard to realise that my grandmother was a human being who was herself abused, due to her abusing me. And her family calls it an affair. It was not an affair, it was a creepy old man grooming a teenager.
You touched on this very briefly, but it's important to note that: 1. Large Age Gaps are far less popular in countries that have high Gender Equality Indexes or are seen as historically progessive when it comes to women's rights 2. The US is a conservative country, according to that same Index 3. Popular Media these days tends to come from Conservative Countries like the US and Japan 4. The Industries of those countries are led by conservative old men, therefore scewing our perception when it comes to individual responsibility and acceptance of something that leans towards exploitation, dependence, abuse, and trauma in real life. Calling it a very personal experience does not touch into the societal and medial indoctrination that encourages or excuses large age gaps. You could say that "good" examples are the exception, not the rule.
@@josepheridu3322 not in my experience. I used to live in east Asia and the VAST majority of men who would date local women 10-20 years younger than them were from: US, UK, (to a smaller extent) Canada, fair few Russians too. But the extreme majority were American.
Relatively conservative countries, yeah, but Hollywood is generally despised by the conservative elements in the US and considered by them to be liberal. Conservative, of course, means different things depending on what the old order culture was, and if Hollywood is conservative, they’re conserving a very specific local culture. Which appears to consider the ability of men in power to exploit anyone they can to be a first principle.
I was 17 and he was 29. While nothing truly terrible happened because I was able to get out early, there are still some things that looking back on it were out of line and just not right. We were in a theatre group together and we got on quite well. At the end of show party he snuck me multiple drinks, which even at the time I thought was a massive red flag but unfortunately decided to ignore it. He asked me out, originally to "hang out at his place" which I just couldn't do. I ended up inviting a friend my age to go with me to a public place. Afterward he asked me if I wanted to go to his, he tried to get into my car, tried to kiss me and more, all awkward and gross. I declined and never talked to him again. I checked up on him recently and years later he's dating an 18 year old. He hasn't changed. Even though all of my alarms were going off about him, I thought that I could handle it because I was "mature for my age" but I look back at it now and cringe. I'm glad that I was one of the lucky ones.
Oh yeah, the drinks... Even as an adult, trying to get you to go to bars and get hammered, even as a friend.... run! Trust me, this isn't about you being boring, this is about you refusing to be mentally incompetent enough to give proper consent. He can take advantage, he can "push it" without you slapping him off.
The most toxic relationship I ever had was in Middle School with a "friend" who would manipulate people around him for sick kicks. The most toxic relationship I've ever witnessed among people I know was between my cousin and a bride around his own age, who turned him into a COVID nut and completely alienated him from his family. People manipulate people.
Like you touched on, my issue is a "life experience gap" more so than age, but they're inextricably linked in most cases. In early adulthood, we have plenty of gaps in our knowledge and life experience and look to those older than us to fill in those gaps. Ideally, these would be [good] parents, mentors, and other positive role models. However, in the unfortunate case you run into a predator or someone who just does not have your best interest in mind, they might try to fill in those gaps in a way that suits them. Convincing you that you're "lucky to have them", that your concerned loved ones are just "jealous", or that you're "mature for your age". You can be very different ages and have very similar goals, experiences, and interests. You can also be just a few years apart and have a huge power differential. Age is just an easier proxy to use but can sometimes be too reductive.
When I was 20, during my first year of university I was working as a bartender and met a 28 years old guy there. Long story short, he's just hung out there after work during my shifts and we talked, found out that we have a crazy amount of things in common in terms of interests, views, plans, basically all of it - friends started joking we're the same person with delusions that there are two of us. We started dating, now we're almost three years together and it might be the healthiest relationship I've ever been in my life - not only a romantic one, across all categories. He's just the sweetest, smartest and most caring person, but most importantly - I've never felt that he doesn't think the same thing about me. (it's an exception for the rule, most age-gap relationships I've witnessed were plain gross and manipulative)
i feel similarly about my partner. Ive been in predatory age gap situation (when i was a minor) and that was fucked up. i get why people are wary of age gaps because they absolutely can be predatory. but i feel completely safe and equal with my current partner. We met when i was just to turn 21, and my partner was 27. Itll be our three year mark together next month. We are both autistic and adhd, and trans. We dont have any financial leverage over the other or anything like that. Sometimes things work out even with an age gap, but like you said, its probably and exception, definitely not the rule.
Same- I met my bf at 18, he was 26, and he has helped me grow and become a more stable person and is very supportive. He helped motivate me to get a college education, have a stable home life, and become significantly richer. Not once has he used any ‘grooming’ tactics or lovebombing or has ever been abusive. It’s naturally the exception of the rule.
That's amazing, i aswell feel very healthy and happy in my relationship. He is 32 and i'm 24. The only thing that bothers me is when we meet new people and they seem disgusted by our age gap, it makes me feel like we're doing something absolutely wrong sometimes (it's good that people are suspicious, but it also hurts). I get easily influenced by opinions of outsiders (i need to work on that somehow) and I was almost ready to break up with him over that. He is the most wonderful person, and i still have doubts sometimes. Does that happen to anyone?
@@erkee_99 I’ve had it happen- the only consolation is the people criticizing me were often stuck in abusive relationships, swearing up and down their love was true and real only to break up and move on fast, or people who had issues with men/women. Most people either haven’t asked or don’t question us dating especially now that I’m older
As someone who was a victim, I really think if you are under 21, there should only be 2 years. Emotional and sexual maturity changes quickly throughout development
@@manosijroy8282it’s ok probably, because these age ‘rules’ are more like guidelines. You shouldn’t be specifically seeking out someone form that age, but if you happen to click with one and you’re in similar life stages, it should be ok
@@manosijroy8282 it’s because 19 is just in college where 22 is most likely already starting their first job in what’s gonna be their career. 19 is a bit more of an experimental age (although this of course is just a general statement once again. Since I dropped out I’m gonna start college at 0 again when I’m 21, so I’m probably gonna be a bit closer life-wise to 18/19 year olds than other 21 year olds)
@@jemappellemerci Because he's the older one and he's probably somewhat predatory (regardless of an age gap; predators come in all ages, age gaps just make the predatory nature more obvious). No reason to be so defensive if you're doing nothing wrong and you know you're doing nothing wrong. Normal people don't take someone else's opinion so personally unless they feel guilty.
@@manosijroy8282 yes, your behavior is absolutely disgusting. A 1st year student and a 3rd-4th year student are in completely different positions, sometimes at different degree levels even (a 22 year old could be easily starting their masters) as the older student has a good understanding of what they're studying already and potentially already have a job in their industry while the younger student is completely clueless in regards to anything yet, they may not even know their faculty cannot be trusted to provide any correct information ever
I (23 y/o) don’t have a problem with age gaps of a few years, where there isn’t a power dynamic like dating a teacher for example. That said, I personally don’t feel comfortable dating someone younger than me, but I’m fine if they’re older than me (again only by a few years. I can’t do decades). This is just me speaking for myself
Likewise. That being said, I am still a minor. I wouldn't go for age gap relationships until i'm about 20-23. If anything, 1-2 years at MOST is what i'm fine with.
I fully agree. Personally, age gaps are a turn-on for me. However, I'm 19, and in complete honesty, it's probably a trauma thing. That's why I limit myself to like 3 years older than me, max (I'd never date someone younger). It's for my safety honestly and if we're in different life stages then it's a sign we shouldn't be together.
When I was around 17 my first job out of high school was a cleaner in a conference centre which also had offices near some of the rooms. I was once approached by a 42 year old man confessing his feelings for me whilst I was in the middle of cleaning a room. I was so shocked and surprised that I ended up crying in front of him not knowing what to say or do. The guy comforted me and eventually left me alone. I did report what happened to my manager who said they would report the event to their supervisor. As far as I'm aware the guy still worked there after that incident but just avoided me whenever he saw me. For such a long time I blamed myself for being such a wimp and crying and not standing up for myself. Looking back now I see that I was a victim and he was out of line for doing this to a teenager. I really appreciate this video and hope more victims realize it's not their fault and they're not alone
My partner is 14 yrs older than I am and we've both had a previous marriage/life partner. So ours is definitely a situation where we are in similar life stages and wanting similar things. Early 30s to mid 40s isn't a big deal for us. I've dated older men when I was younger and it definitely caused issues in the relationship.
I think people in the US are really weird with age gaps. Maybe because the country is so religious and conservative? I know several relationships with age gaps that work out and are non toxic. Though all of them were at least in their mid 20s like 24 and older when they entered the relationships. And they had 12+ years age gap. I think a 16 year old with a 28 year old ( age of consent is 16 here ) is weird. But 25 and 37 is something completly different. I also think it is weird thinking of 17 year old as "children". They are teenager. Children are 12 and younger. So this 17 is a child and 18 is suddenly an adult is just very weird thinking for me. Before I get angry comments. I was 11 years in a relationship with a man 3 years older than me. I'm not attracted to young people. I just mean this weird switch from talking about a petson as a child and then suddenly as an adult as if a switch was flipped. That's weird to me.
@@danika9411 you really don't think this is a US problem do you? Like do you genuinely think US is more conservative and religious than countries like Pakistan, India etc?
@@sabsain2399 In the western world? Definetly a US problem. But hey if you wish to compare yourself to countries where it's worse ( young boys being r@ped is a big problem in Pakistan and r@pe in general in India ) just so you can look better. You do you. But you could also compare yourself to most European countries or Canada. But then you don't look so good anymore I guess.
@ferret4111 I think it depends how jig the age gap is. I think around 10-15 years age gap is not considered weird. But I'm more thinking about someone who is f.e. 32 dating someone who is 44. Someone who is 55 who dates a 25 year old is looked at weird as well. So I think it depends.
@@danika9411 wtf are you even on about lmfao. I'm not from the US. I was criticising the ignorance of calling age gap normalisation a "US problem" lol EVEN in the Western world
My mom was 15 when she met my father, who was 22 at the time. Their relationship was always extremely psychologically toxic, and even evolved to DV. I remember spending my entire childhood wishing they would divorce, and it eventually happened, but not until I was 19 and they had 2 other kids together. Now my father, 50, is dating a 32 year old black woman. He's learned to stop with the physical abuse, but he's still extremely mentally draining and very racist. On the other hand, his girlfriend is using him for his money so I guess at least she's somewhat in hold of some power? 💁🏻♀️ still wish she'd run away, but oh well.
Being in it for the money is one of those things that makes you feel like you have the power in a relationship, but it's a fake sort of power. Because he could leave and take all that money with him and she'd be left with nothing but the PTSD. I hope she realizes that and runs.
🧡 my mother was in an age gap relationship from the age of 28 with a 20 year old. She would always complain about how immature he was at times. They even married for a spell, but are divorced now. She supplied him with a child, because she didn't think he'd ever have children otherwise. I've been in my own queer age gap relationships. Some good, some bad. I don't know about having 25 as a cut off, but people targeting 18-22ish because of their age are gross. A relationship where the age gap is incidental can work, but one where the gap is a predatory goal is imbalanced and can lead to a lot of trauma. A very grey topic
Definitely agree there's a massive difference between an age gap that genuinely wasn't planned at all and those who specifically want to be with younger people. I find the second one to be gross no matter if the target age range is over 25
''A relationship where the age gap is incidental can work, but one where the gap is a predatory goal is imbalanced and can lead to a lot of trauma.'' I agree! I also agree that the cutoff age being 25 is a bit high, considering that a lot of working adults are younger than that, and quite capable in their (sometimes dangerous) jobs, but that 21/22 is a good cutoff age for a larger gap. That's when people are genuinely equal before the law, and are either finishing college or working for a few years. Either way, adults. Still, whatever the age, a gap has to be incidental, and people who deliberately go only for much younger people are a red flag.
My parents were married when my dad was 21 and my mom was 27. They had me and my twin brother a couple years later. Their relationship is fine, despite the fact that they definitely weren't in the same life stage when they met and got married. My dad, prior to them meeting, had been going to college, but something happened, and he had to drop out. My mom had graduated from college years prior, and she had established herself in the workforce. I think it worked out because my father was never really immature, or at least not in a traditional sense. But I think they've done okay for themselves.
I'm sorry, but a six year reverse genders marriage would be considered the norm. You are only thinking it's weird because your mom is older. This is so average if the guy was 27 and the girl was 21. I wish I had people with a six year age gap try to marry me at that age. Nope! All middle aged f$$kers thinking they can buy me. Yuch!
@@bilalbhuttiali1411 Wdym "not an age gap relationship" though? The two people are in a relationship, and there's definitely a gap there. Everything beyond 4-5 years is gonna be more apparent (for the most part at least). Really doesn't need to have the negative connotation that it usually does, but it is what it is.
@@bilalbhuttiali1411 did you miss the whole part of the video where she discusses that different people have different opinions on what an age gap is? It's subjective.
@@yourlocalcryptidd It is subjective. In my personal, subjetive opinion: If both are over 20, if you can't clearly tell who's older just by looking at them, it's not an age gap. I find it odd that some people would categorize 21 and 27 as an age gap. Or 36 and 42. I don't even mind actual age gaps, though, if it's between two equal, consensual adults, who respect each other. I know people who got married when one was 25 and the other one 40, and they are still happily married 20 years later. I think that a lot of people nowadays (especially the Millenials, and I can tell that, as I'm a Millenial myself) tend to nitpick and police intrapersonal relationships. The idea is to help, but the execution, especially from some of the Millenial TH-camrs (Bryony not being included here, because, even if she says that she personally echoes some of the same opinions, she's incredibly nuanced, respectful, and aware that they are subjective), tends to be somewhat condescending.
i'm a guy and i was 15 when i was "with" a 19 to 20 year old girl. i always kept telling her i couldn't wait till i was 18 and here i am grown up now looking back and realizing the reason she stopped talking to me after a while was because i wasn't "young" anymore. i am currently in a 2 year gap relationship (me the younger) and it is the most beautiful thing ever and i feel so truly safe and content in my current relationship. I am truly happy in this relationship and i believe if you truly love that person and you both feel safe and you both are comfortable and of adult age then you are fine.
I'm glad you realized how messed that relationship is, my friend is currently 15 and she's dating a 21 year old... how did you realize that the relationship was super wrong? i want my friend to understand that she's only being taken advantage of but i don't know how to convince her she's just getting manipulated (she's "in love")
@@vișinată15 Start a conversation with about what you guys will be doing when you turn 21. And write different fun goals/mistakes in little papers and put it in a hat. As a fun activity each of you pick one at a time. I'm 21, I already have a car. I'm 21, I have a job. I'm 21, I went to Canada. I'm 21, I'm in college I'm 21, I've voted already. I'm 21, I'm dating sophomore boy from my old highschool. Subtle ways of bringing attention to the issue without directly bashing on the guy, because she is already defensive of him and their relationship. If she continues to go with the relationship, the best you can do is be there for her but also start setting boundaries. You will no cover/lie for her.
My boyfriend is 6 years younger than me. I'm 31 and he's 25. I was TERRIFIED to tell people we were seeing each other in the beginning because of the age gap conversation being so heated. I have never gotten along with or had more in common with a man in my entire life. I was married for 5 years and I didnt get along with my ex husband remotely as well as my current boyfriend.
I am currently the older woman in a sapphic age gap relationship. I've had my concerns about it, but watching a deep discussion video on it always makes me more comfortable. 👩❤️💋👩💞
@@In_Pain_ grow up your argument is invalid gay people being in age gap relationships are furthering the homophobia and transgender people in age gap relationships are furthering the transphobia
@@fatimahanwaar306 even if all queer people did the most morally correct things and were the angels of the earth, homophobes would still find a way to hate. gay people being sexual predators is just one of many lies homophobes have spread and they will continue doing so, for as long as they remain homophobic. no matter what gay people are ACTUALLY like
@@fatimahanwaar306 hey babe, this is a really incorrect take and I would like to share some thoughts with you 🫶 You can personally disapprove of the age-gap, same-sex, celebrity relationships you mentioned BUT individual relationships, such as these, are ABSOLUTELY NOT WHY the gay predator/groomer narrative that has plagued the queer community has been perpetuated. And I would argue, these relationships have no impact on homophobic rhetoric. Seriously, think about how homophobes actually talk about (imagined) “gay predators”. They are never citing examples of actual queer relationships. To them, queerness itself is the source of predatory compulsions; something innate to homosexuality. This ethos can be traced back at least to 1200 ce in Europe (but definitely predates elsewhere) when the Roman Catholic Church started its campaign against homosexuality, codifying concepts of sodomy and sodomy laws. Needless to say, criminal suspicion of queer people has had a long time to fester and metastasize into even more irrational territory than “they don’t procreate, therefore they betray humanity but also most importantly GOD.” By the 19th and 20th Century queerness in the west would be regarded as “asocial” and “deviant” and met with hegemonic distrust and near-primitive levels of fear of secret gays betraying society through various fictitious “degenerative” means. In the 20th century this thinking came to a head with the Holocaust in Europe and in America with the lavender scare of the 50s. There are American PSAs from the 50s and 60s warning people of the insidious homosexual coming for your children (“Boys Beware” is among the most famous) that you can actually still watch on TH-cam! At the time, homosexuality was classified by the DSM as a "sexual deviation" within the larger "sociopathic personality disturbance" category of personality disorders, the same category as pedophilia. This would not be repealed until ‘74 (for reference stonewall was in ‘69) and the diagnosis of an “individual distressed by their homosexuality” remained in the DSM until 2013!!! (Again for reference of time, I am in my mid-twenties and both of my parents were born before ‘74 and my dad before stonewall! This was not that long ago!) Needless to say, this particular stigma has well outlived ANY particular queer relationship and dates back to a time when most queer relationships were almost entirely secret anyways. Homophobes aren’t looking to real-world queer people to inform the tenets of their bigotry; they project what they want upon us as a form of subjugation. (Take for example the current “queer grooming” narrative of bad actors like desantis based on LITERALLY ZERO REALWORLD DATA) Homophobia is a brain poison that is not affected by the individual actions or relationships of individual queer people. When homophobes talk about gays being groomers and predators THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY NOT TALKING ABOUT AGE-GAP RELATIONSHIPS. They are not talking about op. They are demonizing to subjugate. Period. My advice to you, if you are queer or an ally yourself, is to stop perpetuating this rhetoric, which you seemingly despise, yourself. And tbh you don’t know anything about op’s relationship, are needlessly shitting on a queer person and blaming them for their own stigmatization? not cool :/ Bc honestly, babe, this is how internalized homophobic rhetoric rears its ugly head. You’re stigmatizing this sapphic person the same way a raging self-proclaimed homophobe would. Don’t get it twisted. … I wrote this wall of text with the intention to inform and find solidarity with my fellow internet queers and allies 🫶 I say it all with respect and well wishes for your growth, well-being and happiness xoxo 🫂hugs from a queer history nerd🫂 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️✨
I always considered myself to be very mature by the end of my teens and early twenties. And I was. In a sense. I had more life experience than most other people, having lived in multiple countries and places. And because of it I had a very distinguished multifacitted view of life and people. Now, almost 35, I realize that there are different levels of maturity. You can know how to adult, have a job, a house, a family but never really take responsibility for you actions. Never grow aware of your patterns and always stay trapped in toxic or unhealthy patterns. I‘ve only really matured into an emotionally responsible adult who knew themselves and their boundaries when I was like 32. My brother was a bit „quicker“ with 29. I have a fair share of friends who only entered their emotional maturity in their 30s and there are so many people who just never do. For example, My mother F60, although she would never admit it herself, is still is so emotionally immature that it sometimes feels like talking to a teenager. And I am not saying that because she is incapable, on the contrary, she is a very strong and capable woman doing all the aldult things the way adults do Them. It’s just with interpersonal relationships she got stuck somewhere. Maybe that‘s why it took me longer, maybe its just the 30s that makes people start questioning things. Really look at their baggage, take inventory, and figure out the healthiest way to carry it. It‘s a journey of growth and you can usually tell right away where someone stands. In that regard age doesn‘t really matter, as long as you are on the same level of growth. I’ve met people the same age as me and I could never date them because their minds and views are as narrow as an 18year old. Although I just said, age does not matter, there is just a taboo zone. Anyone over 30 dating anyone under 23 just gives me the ick. (leonardo really grosses me out) The 25-29 is kinda like a „gray“ zone. Personally I believe that Above the age of 30, age gaps don’t really matter anymore.
Same here. I'm in my 30s and I feel I really started maturing in the past few years. Before I was occupied with adulting somehow. I think depending on the person an age gap 25+ is ok. Also depends how big it is. 25 with someone who is 35 is ok I think. 35 with 18 is a bit weird imo. I'd be concerned the older person might be a predator. English isn't my first language. Sorry for mistakes.
They absolutely do matter after 30. Especially when it's really old men thinking they have a chance or should hit on women so much younger than them. It's honestly vomit inducing when some crusty old man old enough to be my dad comes at me like that.
I was 23, my late husband was almost 12 years older. He was also my second marriage. We were together just shy of 3 decades when he passed last year from cancer. Edit to add, first marriage was to the father of my children, who was abusive and 5 years my senior. My second marriage was "relationship goals" for the most part, no abuse, every relationship has areas that could be better, he treated me with respect, period.
I was in 2 abusive, age gap relationships back to back from ages 14-21. I'm 24 now and this video really put into perspective why I'm struggling so much. Thank you for talking about this. People like me need to hear this stuff.
Even if you don't believe you've been traumatized by an age gap predatory relationship, you have. It's really eye opening to realize that all of this mental trauma you have is there for a reason.
I hope it's okay that I share this. If not, I'll gladly delete it! I'm 27. I have had only 1 relationship and it was an age gap, probably a problematic one. I was 16, he was 31. Somewhat on and off for 2-3 years. Idk why tf I thought this was a good idea. My homelife & mental health was shit, I had no friends and we kept our relationship a secret (I know, bad idea). To this day my parents still don't know and they never will. I've never told anyone, besides typing it here, still dont know if I'm gonna regret it... I'm neurodivergent and I feel like that might have something to do with it. Also the fact that I spent much of my early teens in and out of hospitals for surgeries. Looking back, I was in a ton of situations with him where I thought something really bad might happen and no one would even know where I am. He lived hours away, so when I went to see him (never just for 1 day), I had no one else nearby to go to if needed. The people in his life that knew never called it out, so that meant no one told me 'hey... this is weird'. I actually eventually ended the relationship myself, because he wanted me to become the mother to his (absolutely adorable) 5-year-old son (who's actual mother was in the picture), and the kid was getting attached, calling me his second mommy, which made me feel really guilty. He also wanted me to essentially be a housewife and not get a degree or work. Idk why those things of all of it was too much, but I ended it and went to college. I still make excuses for him in my head and blame myself. I haven't been in a relationship since that one. Being 27, I can't imagine dating someone younger than me, let alone a minor, that's disgusting. But even though I would never blame anyone else for being in this situation, I do blame myself. That's what's so weird about this. You feel ruined. Anyone who reads this, please know that that type of age gap is not okay, and if you can't tell people you're dating someone because you are afraid of their reaction, that's a sign. 💜
Practice telling yourself, in your head, aloud, and in writing, that it was his fault and not yours, and the reasons why. Make it a habit. You were young, and under a lot of strain, and adults can get into those bad situations. Feeling ruined is an illusion. That feeling can be caused by something happening that makes you feel like you’re not the person you’re supposed to be, whether it’s the relationship itself or something that happened in it. But those things that happen may not mean what you feared at the time, and you can rise up and be who you’re supposed to be.
If people are threatening you, it means that you're a threat to them. No one should be uncomfortable or feel threatened about this topic unless they are feeling called out and are in the wrong. I'm just gonna be blunt, anyone making a threatening comment, they probably aren't in a healthy relationship
its kind of like the "not all men" responders. They weren't talking about you if you aren't a problem, and if you get offended, you're probably part of the problem.
While I agree people shouldn't be threatening or insulting her, I understand how people would get upset when you suggest having the government make their relationship (between two consenting adults) illegal 🤷🏻♀️
I had an 18yo friend dating a 14yo boy and the whole thing was really....Weird. Apparently the boy was emotionally distant, wanted to try "new things" in bed to which she denied, and they eventually broke up. She was really affected by it all and cried about how immature he was, and though the boy did do some messed up things to her, she shouldn't be dating a 14yo in the first place, even if he looked older... Glad she eventually saw the wrongs of it and changed for the best.
I agree with the theory that alot of us who are against it want to protect people from potential bad experiences or trauma but theres no current perfect solution to it since every relationship is different I think educating ppl on the red flags and guving them access to resources are what eould help the most
Yours is a great nuanced, sensitive take on this subject! I shared my thoughts in the survey (on my happy 20-year age-gap relationship!). And hard agree that if we all had proper social welfare/support systems, relationship power issues would definitely decrease!
Thank you for this video. I was involved with a 25 year old man when I was 17. it was in a group of people that I considered my friends and no one said anything and some even congratulated the guy for it. I see this happen and being talked about like it’s normal to go for the teenage girls and it’s a joke. I am making an effort now to call out that behaviour and hopefully make some changes in that community
I am in so much love with the way you said “onion son” for onision. I 100% also used to think it was said that way and it is still in my opinion, the only appropriate way to address him.
Hahaha, my dyslexia at least worked out comically this time! I read through that whole website of his relationships and far out, what a terrible person
@@BryonyClaire There's a reason he has been called out as one of the TH-camrs "who needs to stop". That Creepy Reading did a video series in regards to that topic, and one of his collaborators discussed Onision.
my grandparents got married at 16 and 19. my grandma swears all over the place that no other women in the family will do the same if she has any say in it. my mother also dated someone 13 years older than her on her early 20s. ended amicably but i’m still shocked every time she talks about it
You never disappoint!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You've mentioned the 25 year old myth a few times and I thought, "Oh well, most people believe it. No biggie. You can't expect someone to know EVERYTHING about everything. Sheesh." But look at you!!!! Jeez! I am so impressed with your rigor. Truly a breath of fresh air. Thank you!
The child marriage thing that happens in the US is almost always to "fix" premarital sex, especially if it leads to pregnancy. Any attempt to make it so only legal adults can get married is met with "but what if the girl is pregnant?! We HAVE to let her marry the father!"
@@vulcanhumorRight, because girls never have sex because WE want to, we're always forced/manipulated into it by men, because we don't have sexual desires of our own? So sick of people trying to infantalize women and treat us like we aren't capable of controlling our own bodies and sexual urges! It's only half the guy's fault, but he always gets all the blame.
Perhaps a better rule would simply be to not let UNDERAGE people have sex ILLEGALLY in the first place? Somehow it is only 'illegal' if there is an age gap or the girl gets pregnant 🙄 - somehow if two immature underage teens with NO emotional ability or education in healthy relationships start sexually abusing each other it's all okay? Drinking underage is illegal regardless of whether ALL the drinkers are underage. Sexual interaction for the underage should be dealt with the exact. Same. Way. Sure, rebellious teens are going to try and do illegal things underage, but we don't use that as an excuse to lower the drinking age! We teach them to wait and it's starting to bear fruit as more and more young people voluntarily avoid alcohol. Underage sex should be dealt with in the exact same way. It's so crazy that people ignore how much higher the rate of teenage pregnancy is than BEFORE contraception! Surely it would be lower? We just let kids have sex randomly, and then pretend to be shocked when they get into unhealthy relationships or see no reason they can't sleep with someone older since they can sleep with everybody else? How can anybody be expected to abruptly exercise sexual restraint when they've never had ANY practice? Seriously, our era's attitude to sex is nuts!
I think it would be useful to have a discussion on what red flags in age gap relationships often are. Pointing out an imbalanced power dynamic is a good start, but when I was 19 I really could have used nuanced bullet points of behaviors to look out for.
It's challenging to provide a bullet point list as every relationship is different just like every person is. Like the examples I was giving in the bad relationships, where a partner is controlling (like not letting someone work, trying to control if they see their friends/family, won't let them out to socialize, controlling their money), is a big red flag. Same as if someone is trying to mold the younger person, this is harder to explain briefly but trying to shape the younger person's belief's to be the older person's. Ultimately, autonomy, as I raised was a key thing when talking about good relationships, both partners being able to have full autonomy is a good thing in a relationship.
What is often ignored in these discussions, is how some very young women think they are very mature and "know what they're doing". Coupled with a determination to leave home as early as possible. In some cases they have abusive parental situations they want to escape, or even the sort of parents that have "You're out of here when you reach 18" as a rule that they start telling their kids quite young. Very few are in the category that can be independent-- though probably most are a bit clueless about it, until they get out there and find out how limited their earning potential is, just out of school, maybe without even a high school diploma. All too many have starry eyes about what it can be like to depend on a man for support, and enter these situations. Which is NOT to excuse the men who take advantage of their situations. When these young women complicate their problems by becoming pregnant and deciding to have a baby, they are really sitting ducks for all the wrong kinds of men. If the first relationship or marriage fails, they are then targeted by men who "love children", for all the worst reasons. You are so right about UBI and social support. The main reason conservatives oppose it, is it would totally upend the traditional dynamics of women being at the mercy of men, if you give everyone basic security from where they make relationship decisions. Think of how less abuse of both women and children there would be, if dire need was not part of the decision.
No conservatives are against UBI because there are too many takers and not enough contributors. I work at a retail store and too many people want to buy and no one wants to work the supply chain. UBI will make the situation much worse. So conservatives are right. Maybe "liberals" should work and help the supply chain not sit home and get a check so we put food on the table so we can all eat.
@@NoName-zb1gmI don't know what kind of goofy place you live at, but all the "liberals" I know have jobs. All kinds of jobs. And we are in the middle of a great change in our economy, where working people don't get a living wage, and often have two couples working more than one job to get by. Conservatives have NO answers for the problems we are going to be facing in the future. They are going to be relegated to the dustbin of history, because they don't know which way the wind is blowing. They just pull the covers over their heads and think going back to 1950 will solve everybody's problems.
When I turned 18 I was absolute grossed at the idea of dating a 12yo, when I turned 21 I wasn't interested in 16yo. This 'relationships' really mess with your head tbh. Loved your video 🤍
💛 I'm in an age gap marriage and have so many negative things to say about it. I was 18 and he was 27, and I'm actually fuming that he took advantage of (let's face it) a child. Now I'm 35 and he's 46 and I'm grossed out thinking about what he did. I'm financially dependent on him, but saving up to get an education.
@@gamma21285 because I said it wrong (I was overly tired lol). We met when I was 18 and 27, got married one year later, and now I'm 37 and he's 46. Sorry for the confusion.
My partner is 15 years older than me, we've been together since I was 24 (I'm now 38) and had just graduated college. Despite this age difference, due to issues in my personal life, we were in similar life stages. I'd been living on my own + working full-time to support myself entirely since age 16. I had an apartment, a car, ability to budget for myself, no family assistance...being an emancipated minor isn't easy but it was best for my physical and mental health. Compared to the guys my age, who didn't understand or go through the adult struggles I had, it's no wonder that an older man caught my eye and treated me as a financially successful equal rather than a stick in the mud. While there's a lot of younger woman/older man relationships that are truly cringe inducing and really abusive, I'm very happy to say mine is a great relationship. It certainly helps that neither of us care about traditional gender roles, and in fact ours are reversed. Imo this is a very important part of these kind of relationships, since many rely upon male = older dominant provider and female = younger submissive recipient roles, which unfortunately have a likelihood for harm.
That is great it is working for you and youve been together for so long now! I think its extremely rare for it to work so healthily. I have seen and heard of rships where it was the opposite dynamic like yours, but instead of that being good it was bad because she was the young provider and he was old enough to manipulate her while also being a leech and "man baby". So she was basically providing for and babying the man who was 10 years older and maniuplating and using her. Like they say "there's a reason he doesn't go for women his age" (in that situation). So it's nice to know it's not all bad stories!
it was really nice to read this comment and I'm so glad your relationship has worked. my current partner is about 11 years older than me and we've been together a little over a year now, we met when I was 22. best relationship either of us have been in! I've never had the intention of dating a guy who's that much older than me, and I wouldn't do this again if he and I were to break up. I think our dynamics and personalities line up so well, and have similar life goals, which is important for any relationship no matter the age.
@@natalie0505 Thank you! And yes, I've heard stories like that as well. It's terrible to read about young partners being used and manipulated, obviously by those who don't truly care for them as equals. I'm thankful to have found someone who enjoys more stereotypically femme relationship roles, whereas I prefer more masc ones for myself. So long as both are happy and fulfilled with how things work, it's a good time. You brought up a good observation regarding "a reason he/she doesn't date someone their own age". A piece of advice I'd give to anyone looking at getting into a ltr with an older person is to ask about their dating history. Imo it is a big red flag if they exclusively date younger people. My own guy actually had his own reservations about us, because he had always previously dated women his age or even 2-3 years older. I'm the only one in his entire life who's more than 1 year younger! That knowledge was helpful for me to understand he didn't see me as a trophy, but as an individual.
@@crumblytoast Congrats on finding each other! Yeah, I'd tried to date guys my own age for years but unfortunately was in such a different life stage that they actually seemed too "young" in my eyes, and I was frequently told I acted too old, frugal, or boring for someone in their late teens/early 20s. Like you, I didn't set out to specifically find an older guy, but once it happened...wow! Lol. It was a relief to find someone who was on the same mental/emotional wavelength. I wish you many happy years together!
I am happy to hear that you feel fulfilled in your relationship. Like you, I am also an age-gapper; my husband is 7~8 years older than me. We have had a "successful" marriage in that we've been married for over 10 years and don't hate each other, finding joy in going on adventures with our two little ones. However, we've talked about the ethics around the beginnings of our relationship. 17 year old girl (me) and 25 year old man (him). While he was undeniably immature at that time (just had gotten his first apartment, partying like a teenager, floating around from low paying job to low paying job), I'm not sure that we were equally matched in maturity, life experience, or power dynamic. We have a daughter together, an 8 year old who pummels me at Roblox. I wouldn't want for her to be involved in a similar relationship so young even though it ended up working out for me. While you were probably a very capable, mature 24 year old, I can't help but wonder what motivated your partner to pursue or even be interested in a relationship with someone who was so much younger. I say this because I also wonder what went through my husband's head to justify pursuing a teenage kid. It feels wrong for the older party to have been involved at all to be honest. I would like to think that my husband would have acted differently now, but I do not regret the life that I have. Do you ever feel this way? Would you advise your hypothetical daughter to be involved in an age-gap relationship? Do you think your partner would make the same choices if he had to do things over (maybe even pretending that the hypothetical 24 year old wasn't you for an unbiased opinion)? No hate whatsoever, but it's an interesting thing to think about for sure.
I am 21 and my boyfriend is 35. We met at work, we used to be coworkers and honestly I never met someone that I have so much in common with before. He is way more gentle and kind than my exes ever were and we love the same things. He helps me getting more confidence and standing up for myself and I help him getting out of his comfort zone. My parents met him, I met his parents (I am the first woman he ever just talked about to his parents), they all see that we are happy together and that we have much in common. Our coworkers were really happy when they learned that we started dating. He supports me with my studies and encourages me to pursue my dream degree. I can totally understand that in many cases age gap relationship can be abusive and wrong but I was lucky enough to find such a sweetheart. We et weird looks from strangers in the street but we don't mind, we laugh it off.
My husband is 12 years older. I love our dynamic as he is a true masculine leader and has so much wisdom and experience that I glean from. We’ve been married 20 years. The only downside is: men don’t typically live as long as women.🥴😖😔
I was 22yo, in college, naive, when my ex husband pursued me when he was 32yo. I was a trophy to him. He manipulated me and made me think he was a good person and had his sh*t together. He didn't. He wasted my 20s and early 30s, put me into tens of thousands of dollars into debt, mentally abused me and made me feel worthless, unloved and unattractive. I wish I had never married him or had left sooner. But being older and being a covert narcissist and mentally ill, he was good at keeping me codependent. I'm so glad to be single now, but I'm older now and dating sucks, but at least I know better know and I know what I want and what I don't want in a partner. I'm also one more payment array from paying off that debt. A new chapter is coming and I'm excited! I'm of the opinion now that older people should let 20 something people live their life and not tie them down! Leave them be and let them experience life the way older people got to.
@@lostecho5318 I'm 40yo and can't imagine dating someone in their 20s. You might consider letting your gf explore the world with her peers instead of potentially holding her back from living her life freely. I don't even know what people in their mid to late 30s and early 40s could possibly have in common with someone in their 20s... besides being attracted to someone more youthful looking. 😬 You may think it's a healthy relationship, but is it what's best for her? 🤔
Is a 3 year age gap between 2 college age people fine? I am a 22 year old guy in last year of college and like a girl in my college who is in 1st year and she is 19 now so we are only 3 years apart. We seem to get along well and I started liking her. Will it be fine to ask her out?
@@lostecho5318 she's got her entire 20s ahead of her. Are you going to tie her down and prevent her from experiencing her 20s with her peers? It just seems wrong to me.
@@annEngr They can have lots of thing in common. What interests and hobbies do you think would be age related? I don't subscribe to the thought that liking certain things must be bound by a certain age and also that people in similar age likes the things.
23:20 when it comes to recognizing abuse and sexual assault a lot of it also has to do with education. We live in a society that doesn’t teach what a HEALTHY relationship looks like and we live in a society that has a very narrow view of abuse/assault esp with male victims. I’ve literally seen men online talk about their experiences in their youth and you’re listening and you’re like… that’s CSA. That’s grooming. And they legit have no idea. Because a lot of it is normalized and what isn’t normalized there’s no education around.
I really appreciate that the focus point of your crtitque of age gap relationships was centered around power dynamics, it made the video very nuanced in context of what the people prying on youth really look for, which is not necessarily their age but rather the innocence, lack of experience and naivite which they could exploit. Thank you for efforts on this topic as its not an easy one to talk about.
I know I'm super duper late seeing this, but just wanted to say that I appreciate the mention and this thoughtful, nuanced look at a complicated topic!
I love that you did this video. I have kind of a unique experience with an age gap relationship. We started dating when I was 17 and he was 20. I was dual enrolled so I was attending college while still in high school. He didn’t know I was 17 at first. We really just kind of fell in love without trying. He never made me feel pressured or isolated. We have been together for 12 years and married for almost 5. I know I am really the outlier in these situations and I don’t advocate for age gap relationships for most, but it did work out incredibly well for me.
I appreciate your take on this and the nuance. I met my current husband when I was 17. We began dating not long after, and at the time, he was 21. We have 4.5 years between us. I completely understand how someone hearing that would be concerned, but they don’t know what our relationship is like. We both grew a TON, and we grew together. In our own ways. When I met him, I was still figuring out who I was. He enjoyed seeing me find who I was, and I helped him find himself too. When we met, we unfortunately met in a biblical south church building. We are both atheists now. I realized my sexuality, panromantic demisexual. If someone (age gap or not) is stifling you, controlling you, manipulating you in anyway at all, it is bad. He never and has never done that. We have a child now, and I love him just as much if not more. He’s grown so much since I met him. Same for me. It can work, sure. But I understand the concern, like I said. Before I met my current husband, I was groomed by an adult. I knew the signs and the differences. Sending hugs to you all.
Responding to the poll at the beginning (the 5 year age difference being an age gap between both adults being 25 and older): I think younger people will see an age gap of 5 years as bigger because 5 years is a lot "longer" (more growth packed in) for them than people 25 and up--or especially 30 and up. Less experience and pivotal moments tend to separate adults' ages from each other. I think most of us remember being 13/14 and thinking 18 year olds were so grown-up and mature--but once we hit 24, a 28 year old isn't that grown-up to us. So to the younger audience, five years--even between a 30 and 25 year old--seems like a lot.
I met who would become my husband in March at 22. He looked to be in his early 30s (he has a baby face) but was actually in his late 30s. We came a couple that June after a couple months of friendship, and after seeing how much he cared and involved with his children from a previous marriage. Got married precisely a week before my 25th birthday and 3 weeks after his 42nd. So basically a 17 year age difference. He was previously married to a lady 10 years his senior and she was emotionally abusive. The power imbalance thing you spoke of happened in that marriage. She even used their kids as weapons for years (I know because she would often cancel meet ups while he was on his way to his boys which killed him everytime). Anyway, because of this I demanded proper marital and individual counselling... 9 months of it infact which helped our relationship even more. Had he refuse, I would've bounced. Still together after 9 years and now that his boys are grown, they can finally speak to him without the blockade (its tough for both him and his kids but its really nice seeing them rebuild). Despite the age difference because of similar life experience (apart from biological kids, we're both the eldest child with single parents who put FAR TOO MUCH responsibility on our heads with no support... his mum was WAAAAY more abusive though), mentally, I felt like a similar age. Still do and we're still happily married.
Whenever I see you posted a new video I excitedly get the ice cream and have some selfcare time while watching you. Your takes are always well-researched and incredibly empathetic. Thank you for the great content! ❤
I absolutely love the way you structure your videos-lots of video essayists tend to talk about a topic for a while and then end the video with little to no conclusion, and while that isn’t a bad thing, I really appreciate how you provide ideas on how to solve the problem as well as just talking about it 💜
It's interesting to learn more about the science of brain development. I think I'd sorta believed that 25 was the cut off point. But in reality I swear I know 18 year olds who are more intelligent and mature than a lot of 50 year olds. So it makes sense that it's a lot more complicated
So ironically my parents have a huge age gap of 16 years. My dad is the younger partner. My dad is also the predator. My mom was a single mother, freshly divorced from an abusive husband and fighting to keep her daughter away from him in court when my dad met her. He lied about his age (not enough to close the age gap but enough to make it less concerning) and preyed on my mom when she was in such a weak state. Lying about his age was just the first step of 7 years of abuse. This is obviously an extreme example though and far from the norm, but sociopaths come in all ages and people should be wary of predators, period.
🖤❤️ honestly, I think what you’re doing is the best answer: spreading awareness This pattern goes back far too long unfortunately in human history, I think, to have articulated, practical, and grounded ways forward to prevent predators from preying on younger and naive people (specifically; as you covered there were people who had healthy age-gaped relationships) I (28/f) was one of your respondents. I completed overlooked the fact that I didn’t have good relationships to look up to and mold mine over while I was growing up. My dad died when I was young and my mom remarried an abusive man. I often think how my view on relationships and boundaries would have been different had I been taught differently growing up. So I think that you are doing exactly the right thing, by spreading awareness and creating these thought experiments for the younger folks to mull over Thanks for covering such dark topics, please rest in whatever ways you need as you certainly don’t owe us anything As always, your makeup is a LOOK! 🎉 you’re killing it!
I'm going to share a positive example to mix things up a little. My father met his second wife when he was 39 and she was 23, so it was a 16 year age gap. (I was 13 at the time.) Here's where a shared world view and values play a HUGE part, which was also mentioned in the video. Their relationship flourished because of this, and now 21 years later they have two kids and are still happily married. Because they wanted the same things and kept working towards the same goals. I honestly think those are the only circumstances where age gap relationships can work. That being said, I don't defend age gap relationships and my own have always ended badly. But my father's example has made me reflect a lot on the importance of shared goals/values.
💚 My mom was widowed at 52. I was supportive of her dating again, but I didn't want a stepdad who could be my brother. I did want a stepdad with kids, any age, really because I was an only child, and as an adult, I could choose how close I would be with step-siblings. She is now 65, and she could date someone 9 years older than me, at the minimum, and I would be ok with that. There is no upper limit mathematically for how old she could date, as long as she was happy. I'd even support her dating a woman. I'm iffy on her getting married again, and I'd need to get to know them to feel comfortable supporting them, regardless of age. I don't like the burden of being her closest kin, all alone. I am hopeful that some positive changes in her life will help her overall in successfully living independently. I love MY siblings-in-law, but I still have room in my heart for step-siblings, official or unofficial.
Age gaps really are individualized to a point in my opinion. I like to ask myself a few questions. 1. How did they meet? Was it organic in an appropriate place (ie not one of them being in a place of power when they met) Did they meet and immediately start a relationship or did the relationship grow organically? 2. How does the older person use their age in the relationship? Is the older partner patronizing? Is the older partner constantly bringing up the younger ones age to put them down? Do they treat them like a child? 3. Is this a pattern for the older person? Do they constantly only date freshly 18 year olds? Do they ONLY date people who are much younger than them and then dump them when they get older. 4. Are they both in similar life places. Like someone who just graduated high school 1 month ago is in a different place than someone who has been out of college for a few years. I always pause at age gaps but I don’t think they are always completely bad. I think also age gaps between 25+ are different for me than under 25, I dated a 25 year old when I was freshly 18 and thinking back on that relationship it was ICKY. When he introduced me to his friends they looked at him disgusted. He was a whole adult and I hadn’t even started my first year of college. But now that I’m closer to 25, and have a career it wouldn’t creep me out if I dated a 32 year old which is the same age gap it’s just different
I think it’s really admirable that you created such an intricate survey and took the time to read over our responses despite the difficult content within! Thank you for addressing this topic so well! :) Personally, the age gap relationships I have the largest problem with is when someone who KNEW YOU AS A CHILD pursues you once you are of legal age. I do agree that once you’re over the age of 25, it is less of an issue but I will still always have a tendency to judge negatively until I am proven wrong about and older person pursuing a younger one. Having personally been preyed upon by older men frequently as a teenage girl, I am ALWAYS scared for young men and women and will be scrutinizing of them until they prove to be different. I think the healthy age gap relationships are the outliers rather the norm unfortunately.
"healthy age gap relationships" are complete and utter nonsense and acting like they can only be a problem if the older person knew the younger person as a child shows that you have double standards stop acting like it somehow doesn't become a problem once people turn 25
@@fatimahanwaar306 Reread my post please. I am highly critical of age gap relationships and did not claim that it is not an issue once someone turns 25. I said it is less of an issue as a 25 year old is frequently more mentally developed than an 18 year old and more capable of making strong, rational judgements about their relationships. If you reread my comment, I said the “largest problem with”, which inherently implies that the grooming and accessibility to a minor at such a young age is highly problematic, nowhere did I claim that other age gap relationships are not also problematic. For me, it is just so insidious that a trusted adult as a child could have ulterior motives towards a minor. Once you are more mature and developed at the age of 25, it does not mean that you are incapable of being taken advantage of, but it does mean that you are a fully grown adult who can make their own decisions and are no longer a “barely legal” teenage child who has been groomed since childhood. I literally said that “healthy age gap relationships” are the outlier and am I always skeptical until I can witness a lack of abuse/unhealthy power dynamics/unhealthy money leverage etc. I really am confused by your comment as I think you have misunderstood/misread my original comment. I am sorry that I have upset you with my point of view, but I assure you that my perspective towards age gap relationships is hardly a positive one and I am a definite skeptic. I have witnessed a few healthy age gap couples and it would be unfair to ignore them to make all-encompassing and over-generalizations such as “all age gap relationships are bad”. My sister is in a healthy age gap relationship for one and I fully support her. She is definitely one of the few outliers I have witnessed.
@@prynne9812 "healthy age gap couples" are nothing more than a fairy-tale type fantasy claiming that you have "witnessed" a few as an excuse to pretend like "not all age gaps are bad" (apply the same logic towards pedophilia) proves my point that you're being delusional being "mentally developed" doesn't make age gap relationships "safer" in any way if you think it's "insidious" that a trusted adult as a child could have "ulterior motives" towards a minor while you act like "healthy" age gap relationships can exist you're proving my point that either you have double standards or you're just very delusional age gap relationships will always have power dynamics money leverage etc. (nothing is healthy about either of them) regardless of how old the couples are brushing off the criticism against age gap relationships as "all-encompassing and over generalizations" that it's "unfair to ignore them" as such and using the excuse of "my sister is in a healthy age gap relationship and I fully support her" proves my point that you're delusional and trying too hard to sound open minded viewing age gap relationships in a blindingly positive light it doesn't make it a logical argument in any way
I dated a 46 year old when I was 27 and that was a bad situation. I was completely used and then ghosted after 5 months together. He never admitted that he was married the whole time or apologized for anything. It was a big lesson in red flags. Now happily married and 33, I can't imagine dating a 27 year old!
as someone who turned 18 last year and is still in high school, I still don’t feel like an adult and dating someone in college would be weird for me it’s about the experience, how can you build a relationship without any similar experiences my classmate is dating someone so much older and we all wonder what he talks to her about “how is school, what about that math exam?” and what is she gonna ask back? about taxes? so my problem is experience imbalance mostly
@ARDENT-CADAVER yeah, as i said i still feel like a kid even though legally i am an adult that is my problem with huge age gap relationships when one of these people are in high school, you don't change much from 17 turning 18 and it takes much more maturing than that, just because it's legal doesn't make it not weird
Is a 22 year old dating an 18/19 year old fine if both are in college? Like 18 and 22 is a bit weird if the 18 year old is still in high school but is it still bad if the 18 year old is in college too? I am 22 in last year of college and I like a girl in my college who is in 1st year and she is 19 so we are only 3 years apart and I wanna ask her out.
@@manosijroy8282 i've seen you repeat these questions in several places in this comment section. please don't spam vague comments looking for dating advice under unrelated threads. there are better places to ask and receive advice on your moral quandary.
@@manosijroy8282Oh please. Like which building you are taking lessons in matters. If you are both still emotionally schoolchildren who aren't prepared for real life, then I would suggest finishing your education and starting real life before dating. If you both have adult responsibilities and lives, and university is just building your careers rather than still figuring life out, then nothing remotely wrong with dating someone in THE EXACT SAME LIFE STAGE as you!
i empathize so much with the people who blame themselves it’s not your fault they took advantage of you in the ways they did you didn’t ask to be taken advantage of but i understand where it comes from and i know first hand how difficult it is to heal from and i know it feels like everythings falling apart when it happens but you’ll be okay on the other side because you’re so strong and amazing and capable of getting back up from this but i know it’s hard now and hard to see the other side when you’re struggling i love you all so much and you’re so incredibly brave and strong
My partner is 34 and I am 22. He would probably be cancelled if we were online people. Lucky we are not. My ex partner was a more socially acceptable age gap and he abused the shit out of me. Me and my current partner have mutual respect for each other and are both aware of power dynamics. I have been through abuse in many ways. My current partner makes me happy.
I've had two main age gap relationships. The first was when I was 16, he was 22. No one saw an issue with it at the time. I realize how gross he was now. The second one was when I was 27 and he was 36. He was hesitant, but I pursued him. That was a good age gap relationship.
So if the woman pursues the guy age gaps are fine, but if the guy does he's gross? Why do you feel the need to rubbish a relationship no one had a problem with at the time just because it's unpopular now?
@@cmm5542 that's a weird take away. If you wanted to know what the difference was, you could've just asked. But you weren't interested in the actual answer, you were only interested in furthering your own agenda.
💜 I'm honestly surprised at some of the survey responses. I filled out the survey myself talking about my positive age gap relationship, but I can absolutely understand why people can be so negative towards the idea. I discussed this video with my partner (we began the relationship when I was just shy of 23 and he was freshly 30; I am now 24) and talked a lot about our gap, and how it feels and our objective similarities and differences. I find that in our case, our life experiences are extremely similar even if they're almost a decade apart. I was in an abusive family for 10 years as a teenager, and he was in an abusive relationship for 10 years as a young adult. I spent most of my decade of abuse raising myself in a neglectful household while he spent his 10 years being stifled, controlled, afraid, and hopeless. By the time we met, I had my bachelor's degree entering my career, and he had been working a steady working class job for 7 years. I was even being paid the same rate as he was. I think emotionally and socially, we are at a similar place. I acquired a lot of independence both mentally and life-wise early on, while he essentially had his life paused and taken over. Amusingly, while he was enthusiastic about sexology and healthy intimacy just like I was, I still seem to know more than him, having educated myself for years as a teen, just to show another level of capability for a young person; I don't want to reduce all young adults to clueless naïveté when I felt people unfairly did that to me. After a long talk, we decided that, yes, we are okay, and we feel at very equal places with each other. Having been taken advantage of by multiple men in the past as a teenager (all older than me), this is a breath of god damn fresh air and I feel like I have ironically found someone for the long haul. We share ideals, morals, passions, and most importantly, empathy and a desire to heal and love. This is just my example of what I've experienced with my current partner. I love him to death, and I feel like I'm finally safe, and both of us are learning so much about ourselves in the process. The bond feels stronger and yet softer every day as we work through our obstacles and trauma. As a new subscriber, thanks so much for your survey work and covering many aspects of this stuff. It's definitely a societal problem worthy of an initial side-eye, but sometimes it really does seem to work out, and my heart goes out to those who experienced so much worse than I did with older partners.
I was 18, looking at 16-year-olds going "Ew, no." I cannot IMAGINE dating anyone who has 'teen' in their age, and I'm only in my early twenties. Also, the people going to Billie Eilish going "Your audience is young." B!TCH, SHE WAS YOUNG. SHE *IS* YOUNG, TF???
Because you grow so much between 16 and 18 but by the time you get to 25 the two year age gap had closed up. In my 40s I was no longer averse to seeing singers younger than me on stage.
Reminds me of when I had just turned 18 and was in college and at Waffle House with a bunch of college friends. There was a girl there who I didn’t know but she knew my other friends, apparently, and I was a bit flirty with her assuming she must also go to my college, but my best friend at the time was like “dude, you know she’s 14, right?” And internally I was absolutely screaming. I’m glad he told me before I went beyond mild flirtiness because I wouldn’t have even thought to check how old she was and I SUPER didn’t want to get involved with a 14yo beyond being a mentor, even having JUST reached the age of majority.
Looking at the comments all talking about their previous experiences in abusive age gap relationships is telling. I also was in a couple of abusive age gap relationships. I'm also aware of other creepy age gap relationships right now going on around me. Specifically, a 20 yr old who's dating a guy in his 40s-50s. Went to the zoo with her and him with my husband and another friend. That guy walked ahead of us and didn't talk to us the whole time. Treated us like we were kids he was chaperoning. I'm 28, husband is 29. It was weird. Creepy. Not to mention the moment 20 yr old said "I'm baby" and he slapped her ass and said "and I'm an old man." Yeah. That was triggering and disgusting
I'm so glad you brought up the equation, and doing it yourself out of curiosity. Mine is 21. I don't think so bud, we're in completely different places in life lmao
Thank you for this nuanced take! For me personally, as long as both people are 21 or older, theoretically, they can have a healthy, loving, and equal relationship. Sure, if there's a bigger age gap, the older one has more life experience, which is something they should be aware of, and be careful about it. However, the younger one could have some more dynamic experiences, higher career achievements, higher education, higher level of self-confidence and even a higher level of authonomy. Ideally, partners should be absolutely equal in everything, but that's highly improbable. No matter how much we try to get there, someone will be a bit older, a bit wiser, a bit richer, a bit more educated, and have some experiences that would give them some more advantages in some areas. We can't police other people's intimate life, as it's not much different than what happened in the 19th century. Different categories of policing, but it could be equally controlling and limiting in a way. However, the *important thing* is that they treat each other as *equals* , regardless of age or other differences. That there's no controlling behavior from the older partner, no condescending behavior, no other red flags. That the younger partner still is an independent adult with their own mind and own decisions. And the thing is, if we are criticizing a relationship *purely* for the age gap, we can't do that without somewhat infantilizing the younger person. And if a 21-year-old is an independent adult, who is able to run for lower offices, get a full time job, enlist in the army, own properties, and serve life sentence if committing a proportionate crime, then they are certainly old enough to pick their partner. And it's a yin and yang scenario. If you are judging the older person, it's because you think that the younger one isn't old enough / mature enough to fully make their decision without being coerced. If we acknowledge the younger person as an independent adult, we can't judge the older person. We can't have it both ways. Note: I was saying this *if* your *only* issue with the relationship is the age gap. In many cases, age gap is just a convenient vessel of making other toxic behavior more easy. In such cases, it obviously is possible to call out the older person without infantilizing the younger one. If the older person was their high-school teacher, or a family friend when they were kids. If the older person is deliberately dating consisently only people in their early 20s as a specific pattern. If the younger person was in a specifically vulnerable and dependent position when entering a relationship, and the older person knew about it, and took advantage of it. In such cases, yes, any age gap, especially the bigger one, and especially if the younger one is in their early 20s, can be a good vessel for the abuse of power, and should always be called out, and stopped. Example: A 23-year-old taxi driver dating a 45-year-old baker they just met in a bar will get no raised eyebrow from me, if I see them respecting each other and treating each other as equals. Age gap by itself wouldn't be a deal-breaker. It would be another challenge on some level, but for them, and only them, to work through it as two adults. On the other hand, a 23-year-old college student dating their 45-year-old professor who knew them since they were a teenager will be a huge red flag in my eyes, and a sign of a very inappropriate relationship. A 23-year-old who is raised in a bubble, and acts younger than their age, with a 45-year-old who is fully aware of that is also a red flag! But please, let's be informed about the individual cases before being judgmental! Also, what I said applies to people who are 21+, while I'm still putting a huge asterix over those who are 18 and 19. That is purely a me thing based on my own life experiences. I see 18-19 as a very different category to 21+, as the former ones can still be in high-school and are literal teenagers. This small age gap is still the crucial one based on my own experiences, and I'd never even consider dating or even flirting with someone who's not even 21, nor someone whom I've had interacted with in a meaningful way before they were at least 21.
I am 22 and went on a date with a 19 year old girl last Saturday but our age gap is only 3 years and it was first date for both of us. We are both students tho. She is in 2nd year of college and I just graduated college in last week of July but I will be studying MBA next so I will still be a student for 2 more years. We just ate in Mcdonalds and then we hugged, took pics and I pinched her cheeks as she is cute.
Hiya! I really enjoyed this vid, and I was the one who said Goose Boose 😭😭😭 (tbh I've only really heard of his partner in passing in some vids), and the bit about the 25 brain stuff! You were very sensitive and inclusive of all answers with the topic and I greatly congratulate you for that! I'm glad that there's some positive AGR rep here too-it's super emotionally draining to see objective negative perceptions of it all the time. Your opinions and life experiences are understandable, and I respect and understand your opinions. Will be sharing to my friends!
2:46 from what I’ve heard a long time ago, yes the MAJOR development stops somewhere in the 20s but the brain is always developing. From what I’ve heard more recently it’s a lot more complicated. Either way you’re always changing and evolving.
the first couple I thought off where an age gap seems to work pretty well AND where the woman is older, is Hugh Jackman and Deborra Lee Furness. Their age gap is 13 years and they are still married (for 26 years now) I remember being shook and majorly impressed when I saw her accompany him to the Oscars years ago and I learned that she was older then him AND so supportive. Imo that is what a healthy relationship looks like no matter the age. A negative example however would be Madonna, I think she made it painfully obvious that she only saw her younger men as a "boytoy" and even if their career maybe profited of the relationship, I always felt uncomfortable seeing her with a 20 years younger arm candy. And if I remember correctly, she was bashed a lot for it and that kind of makes me mad still. Because it somehow is ok for and old geezer like Hef to surround himself with girls that could easily be his grand or even great grand daughters and to marry them (may he rest in peace, still that was not ok) but a woman gets hated on for behave similarly.
I don’t think I can watch this video because it may trigger me but thank you so much for speaking up about this. it’s really important to stress the dangers of this sort of thing and i appreciate you talking about it
my mom is 8 years older than my dad...I have never known or seen a more loving, gentle and supportive relationship...I don't know if the "age gap" makes a difference to them, but everyone around them including me and my siblings have wished for what they have. I read a lot about predatory behavior, things not working or the imbalance of the power dynamics...I think it's important to recognize the difference, looking or dating someone specifically for their age (having a type and the type is someone younger or older) is creepy but when two adults fall in love, not cause of the age but inspite of it, it may just be a relationship that works for them.
I've personally seen both extremes in the age gap. I've had two long-term relationships before with almost a 10 year gap. One of them was a controlling borderline abusive creep who clearly was interested in me because I was easy to manage. The other one was a good person who I just happen to click it off with. We broke up because we didn't have long-term potential. I am still very good friends with this person.
Such a complex and nuanced topic. I have very strong opinions about men 30+ wanting to be with teenage and early twenties girls and this comes from a place of an abusive father who was always after much younger women. At the same time I've mostly had relationships with younger men - who mostly had more life experiences and responsibilities, such as kids, than me, but I think that is partly because as much as I was adultified at a very young age, I was also _emotionally_ stunted in so many ways that older men were always very intimidating to me. I could literally write an essay on this topic, as well as the 'ooh she's legal at 18' (🤮🤮🤮) argument, but I will spare you my ramblings. TFS 😊
I think when it comes to your suggestion of a "five-year" rule for people under 25, I think it should be a social norm but not a law. When I was 20, I dated someone for a while who was 25 and turned 26 before I turned 21, so that would technically be out of bounds, but there weren't any abuse or power issues in the relationship. I do think that a general skepticism around age gaps is healthy, but a law would probably cause issues for people who aren't doing anything wrong, so this falls into the realm of providing education and resources to people so that they can be informed before going into a relationship like that and can get out of those relationships if they turn bad. 💙
I am a 25 year old woman. My partner is 40. Yet, our relationship is the healthiest relationship either one of us have ever been in. I think it's not the age itself that matters, provided things are legal, but it's what comes with age. He and I complement each others' emotional pallete quite well, and balance out more opposite traits perfectly. But our beliefs and core values are the same, and we have a lot in common in terms of interests and hobbies. Our age has never been a factor in our attraction to each other (we're both on the asexual spectrum anyway) and it's never been brought up by either one of us when asked what we love about our partner. We met as adults, grew close as adults, and have a very healthy and balanced relationship. I appreciate your nuanced discussion of this topic.
My aunt and uncle are fifteen years apart and she advised me not to follow suit. He slowed down way before her in many ways and she seems very unhappy in general. It didn't seem like exploitation in thier case but as an autistic (late dx) woman, I wouldn't put myself in a position like that because I understand that I'm vulnerable.
My partner and I are in a healthy, happy, and respectful union of nearly 2 years. He pursued me for over a year and I was dismissive for a while, however, kind, because I was/am many (14) years his senior and thought he simply had a crush. A year in, he wrote me a deep letter, we had a serious discussion about values, boundaries, expectations, etc., and decided to embark on our relationship journey. Fast forward to present day, we are thriving and I'm so happy I decided to give love a chance, despite the age gap. It is my high hope that all of you out there find a loving, supportive partner who respects you and that you both can grow together towards a beautiful future. Much love from New York 🗽
I am in an 11 years age gap relationship. When we got together I was 19 years old and next year it will be 10 years. Back then, I was the one who initiated it and he rejected me the first time. It took more than half a year until he could admit to himself that he also had feelings for me. In my opinion every relationship can get toxic if one partner is toxic themself. My partner supported me and helped me grow as a person the same way I could help him grow. Even though it has been 10 years we still feel fresh in love. Of course, it's not always sun and sparkles and stars but that's the same with "same age relationships". Communication is key. Respect is key. And loving and caring for each other is key.
I feel like no matter what, teenagers are always going to want to date the older guys that are giving them attention because they're going to (most likely wrongfully) assume that they are different than the guys in their age group. They're also going to assume that they are more mature than everyone around them, that they are emotionally intelligent enough to handle any kind of relationship, and that (because the world expects them to be autonomous) all independent decisions they make are the right ones. All this to say, I really don't think we should give them any leeway and making this decision for themselves. I was too blind to foresee and so were many people in the comments...
After a really hard breakup, I started dating a guy who was 10 years older than me. Within a few months, we were spending almost all our time together. Within 6 months he proposed. Part of me knew it wasn't right but we were in love and were already talking about starting a family. I got out 3 and a half years later and had to spend 6 months living with my brother after the divorce because I had forgotten how to take care of myself.
I am 20, dating a 30 year old and it’s been going really well so far. We both seem more like we‘re 25 and people don’t even notice the age difference. We are on a pretty similar level of maturity and have the same goals in life.
really feeling when you said that recognizing you were groomed/taken advantage of kind of crumbles your world. thank you for saying that, i hadn't realized that's what i felt and suddenly i'm making more sense of everything. still got work to do i guess. sending love and understanding your way.
I think, part of why younger people (I am 27 now) are prone to be suuuper defensive about large age gaps is how... idealized the whole mess is. Personally, I had an extremely bad experience so I heavily side eye age gaps in general when it comes to real life (I love fantasy, and things get weird there). But I also know a couple with an age gap (she was early 20s with a son when she met him, already in his 40s), and they seem quite healthy and happy... I think you absolutely nailed it with the lived experience similiarities, and honestly I wish the 5 year age gap thing was a rule because, would it catch some healthy relationships? Yeah, but they can just wait. It would MASSIVELY help protect a LOT of people & yeah, it is extremely sad how parents can still sell of their children into marriages even in so-called 'first world countries'
Is 19 and 22 fine for dating if both are in college? I am 22 in last year of college and like a girl in my college who is in 1st year and she is 19 so we are only 3 years apart.
@@manosijroy8282I guess that's fine as long as you don't put certain expectations on each other. Some people mature earlier than others (and I mean mentally, not physically). But being in the same life stage and having a similar set of experiences is an important factor.
@@manosijroy8282 You keep asking everyone this in a bunch of comments. If you think it's sus enough that you need outsiders to tell you it's okay, maybe you already know it's not okay, my dude.
I think in the case of younger women, there are face value advantages to dating older guys that make people who warn against it seem like nags. A 20-year-old woman will look at guys her age in the dating pool, and see a bunch of broke guys, who still play video games, and haven’t really learned how to talk to women yet. But men much older than that will have fewer of those issues and make the younger girl feel more adult/mature by proximity. Years later, that 20 year old becomes a 40 year old, and begin to see anyone still in college as basically a baby, changing the visceral reaction to the idea a May/December romance
When I was 12 y/o a 16 y/o guy who lived nearby started asking me out. We lived in a very small rural town and were both outsiders who liked animals, reading etc, and I guess he became infatuated with me. Our “dating” consisted of going on walks in nature and just talking (I looked and seemed “mature for my age”). While nothing ever “happened” I was always weary and embarrassed of the situation and never told my (few) friends about this. I guess I went along with it because I felt a mixture of flattery and obligation. It went on for two years until I “ended it” when I was 14 and he asked if I wanted to go to the cinema. I don’t blame myself and I don’t even blame him: he was a lonely oddball who definitely should have known better but was ultimately no bad guy. I blame my parents who knew about this: my father who never asked questions or interfered and my mother who openly and actively endorsed it and bragged about that I “had a boyfriend” which she obviously thought was a flex. This woman (who I no longer have contact with) has a college degree, an upper middle class lifestyle, and works in what we might call the “social activism field”. When we travelled abroad for vacation she routinely joked about how men thought I was beautiful and how I should get an exotic boyfriend that I could have as a pen pal. It happened both in India when I was 11 with a 22 y/o man who probably thought I was closer to 16 due to my looks, and in Egypt with several young men when I was 11. Not sure how it rings on the SA-scale but as a 29-year old woman now longing for my own children it absolutely disgusts me to my core.
I'm in a large age gap relationship (24 years). I was 27 when we got together and married when I was almost 28. I've never grown so much in my life as I did since I've met my husband. He's supported me through all of it emotionally. Now I have my own company, have learned another language, got a drivers licence and car, paid off my student dept (on my own!) and building a future. When we got together it was super important to me that we're clear on our goals. I wanted children and we agreed to try. It didn't work out. But I have a great relationship with his children and rest of the family. Travel and self improvement was also super important to me. And we've done both of those and are still doing that. Still I don't think this is a free for all for anyone. It was a very specific situation and as I've seen abusive relationships, it was super clear to me that at no point should I be reliant on him. We've had separate bank accounts from the beginning. I knew places I could go if it didn't work out between us. I had full confidence in my ability to find a new job and build up my life elsewhere (have a degree and work experience and some saved). Otherwise I wouldn't have done it. For him this was the first relationship with such a large age gap (others were 2 - 4 years) and the one before ours, he was with a woman who was older than him. He had been in a committed relationship for 30+ years and afterwards in a relationsip for 4+ years. I was not the rebound girl. I worry how my life will be after he's passed on, which he most likely will before me. But I'm not worried in my abillity to make it on my own, just emotionally about losing him and being lonely
In terms of queer relationships, I think there can be a lot of added nuance and factors that create different dynamics around age gaps and maturity. (get ready for a really long explanation) The nature of being queer and coming out can be like a "second adolescence" for some people, and after coming out so many queer people go through an intense period of changing/figuring out who they are. For trans experiences, it can literally be like your life restarted/truly started after transitioning. Lots of queer people talk about having different life timelines+goals than traditional cishet norms (ie fall in love in your 20s, get married, settle down by your 30s), just from the nature of only finding out who you are later than this norm and already transgressing cishet expectations. Think about people who come out as adults, or after being in a straight married relationship for years, or even just later than a young teenager. Many queer people just don't have comparable maturity/life/relationship experience timelines to cishet people. Maturity is multi-faceted and based on lots of factors, but cishet people can have very different experiences. For cishet people who grow up according to this "coming of age" timeline without doubt, they have already had their whole lives to process and come to terms with who they are, what a relationship might look like for them, and the reality of living as themself. Puberty is the exemplified process of realizing all of this, and by your 20s you have likely processed being cishet for your entire life. When someone realizes they are queer, they have to process and contextualize an entirely different reality, where all of these expectations are changed. Queer people too grow up in a cishet context and environment, and it can be really difficult&painful to not live up to these expectations. For relationships, this means that there are many different factors and dynamics among queer people. Maturity and life stages can be entirely, drastically different and age can not have as much to do with someone's life experience and queer experience. Additionally, age and generational differences of queer people can carry different weight. Older queer people may have grown up in less affirming environments, and may feel negatively/differently about their identities. Younger people may be more comfortable in their identities. Not everyone fits these experiences, and everyone has a different journey.
When I was 25 I dated a guy who was 32, so 7 years older than me. As someone who has always felt like an old soul, I felt comfortable dating someone older, except that over time, he seemed very immature and that was what ultimately ended the relationship. Today, I honestly don't think I would date someone who was more than 5 years older or 5 years younger than me.
When I was 17 I had 3 men in their late 20s pursue me. I was “mature for my age,” but you can only be so mature at 17. Now that I’m at the age those men were, mentoring teens just a year younger than I was then, it demonstrates how stunted they were to even be able to hold a conversation with me. I don’t think all of those men were predatory, I think some were just genuinely immature and women their age didn’t want them for good reason. Which is a reflection, I think, of how we socialize boys and men as a society and what we expect from them in the realm of self responsibility and emotional intelligence.
First of all, I'm sorry it sounds like people were unkind to you in the survey, that's awful. I think there's a lot of grey area about age gaps but I tend towards looking at them with a critical eye. I worked in high schools for a few years and if there's one thing that will make you instantly aware of how young teenagers are, it's spending all day with them. I would have every once in a while a student that would develop a crush on me, and I would always try to nip it in the bud because it made me super uncomfortable. I dated a man in his twenties when I was a high school senior and I don't think it was until I started spending time with teenagers that I realized how messed up it was. I think that when you're a bit older that a gap can be fine, but I highly agree with you that the most important thing is that the people in the relationship are at similar stages of life and are on equal footing.
there's no "gray area" on age gap relationships and this excuse that "when you're older the age gap can be fine" shows how delusional you are stop trying too hard to be open minded
My parents have a three year age difference my mom is the oldest unfortunately there relationship was toxic my father constantly cheated on my mother and at times acted like a child throughout there entire relationship plus he's a drug addict my mother basically enabled him instead of forcing him to get help because of my parents relationship I have a fear of getting into a toxic relationship and repeating the whole cycle they are no longer together but are legally still married
This was heavy but needed tysm for this video When I was 16, I was in a relationship with a 21 year old man. I was told my whole life I'm "mature" and he even asked my parents and they said yes (not forgiven them for that now). I broke up with him after 8 months. He was my first sexual experience, it hurt, I hated it and again was told by my mom that nobody likes it and that was normal. When I turned 21 the thought of being with a 16 year old was horrifying and gross. The friends of his that I thought hated me, I think now looking back were just creeped out by the age gap.
My hubby and I are 3 years apart. Now, in our 30s we are in the same phase, and we were when we met in our late 20's. If we'd been 18 and 21 when we met, we would've been far from the same phase. The younger you are, the small your phases and harder a gap would be, even a small gap of a couple years. It is a big reason why I don't think getting married young is a good idea, we change so much from 18 to 25 that it is a huge risk of being in what will become an unhappy marriage because we change over time and we can grow apart during that time when we define ourselves the most.
Idk I am 22 and in last year of college and I like a girl in my college who is 19 and in 1st year of college so we are also only 3 years apart but we still talk with each other as if we are peers and get along really well and have several things in common and we are both foodies too. I do wanna ask her out for a coffee date or maybe an ice cream date as she loves ice cream. 3 years age gap is fine after the younger one is 18+ and in college.
@@manosijroy8282 And there is nothing wrong with that. Just know at some point one of you will move past the college phase before the other. It isnt that couples can't survive that change, its just harder. But you should ask her out, you're 22 and have your whole life ahead of you it just coffee not a wedding proposal. Looking back as a woman in her 30s you should enjoy it & live in the moment, don't worry about phase changes because what will be will be & exploring your life changes with those around you is part of aging.
My husband is 6 years younger than me and I think it gets way more looks than if it was the other way around. We met when he was in his late twenties and I was in my early thirties. I think it works well, but sometimes we both forget about the gap and it's been hard for me to explain things from my (older) perspective
I think the topic was too much for Pixie to handle 😥😥 there are resources in the description box if you need them.
Reminder to please be kind to each other in the comments, everyone has different lived experiences and this topic is so personal to us all for many reasons. We can share our opinions without attacking each other. I had some people threaten me in the survey and it's not needed, I don't want to add barriers to my community, I involve you a LOT in my work because I want good conversations to happen, and I want to be able to help foster that but that can't happen if people are threatening my safety.
How do we find links to your surveys?
@@EgalitarianWoman I post them in my community tab and I also shared them in my instagram stories, if you're subscribed then you'll be notified of my community posts :)
People threatening you over this is so absurd and cruel! You would never deserve that. Thank you for making the video and asking people for their stories. It's horrible that people would use your openness as an avenue to threaten or harass.
@@BryonyClaire Thanks!
Hey - I was the queer 30 year age gap relationship - I think I used the f word a couple of times in the survey as emphasis and I apologize if that felt threatening. The idea of making my relationship illegal - which would be a direct threat to my own and my partner's survival in this country - was very triggering for me and I struggled to stay calm, but I apologize for any distress I may have caused. I would say this was for the most part a good, balanced look at the question of age gap relationships - still somewhat influenced by your biases imo, but then we all are really - myself very much included. I appreciate you and the work you do and here is the emoji that means I watched to the end. ⛑️
Roger Moore, one of the actors who played James Bond, actually quit the role because he was so uncomfortable with the fact that they kept casting way younger girls as his love interests. He actually pointed out that some of them were young enough to be his granddaughter. Good on him for that
Roger Moore is a great Bond as well as a very charitable man.
i bring this up to my fam every time we watch his movies
👏
In For Your Eyes Only, a young girl eagerly offers herself to Bond. He turns her down.
Too bad he didn't do that for A View To A Kill. That should've been a Dalton movie
The thing about the 'older woman makes sexual advances on minor' trope, the male teen is usually taller and physically stronger than the woman (he's also good looking), so it isn't seen as inappropriate and it's portrayed as a win for her. If the teen was shorter than the woman, then it would be alarming.
Still, no matter how tall, macho, or handsome the teen is, he's still a minor and the woman is knowingly taking advantage of his adolescent mind. Let's drop this double standard.
Oh yeah, this shit pisses me off
It's often even the butt of a joke
It has the same energy as a boy getting catcalled by older women
Also portrayed as a win for him. Just overall it's portrayed as completely fine when irl it might be the worst thing to experience for the teenager.
If you say that an adult woman can be a pedophile and that it is disgusting to see an adult woman dating a minor, comments from male users will automatically come saying the following:
''You're envious'', ''you're taking away the boy's masculinity'', ''it's normal to have a crush and sleep with an older woman'', ''men have been sexual beings since we were teenagers'', ''don't treat a boy like he's a baby''.
Pedophilia is pedophilia, and I don't agree with any of them, and the media can paint it as pretty as possible so that it is accepted in society, and still, it will still be disturbing.
@@Alexandraadftxr7052 Ok, I'll be honest too:
1- Pedophilia is pedophilia; the media can put an adult woman/young boy relationship as the most beautiful and innocent thing in the world, and still, it will still be pedophilia.
2- That you personally have not heard a young boy talk about his bad experience with an older woman does not indicate that there are no cases of rape and trauma.
3- Culture greatly influence the way a boy thinks and feels; remember that men are seen as sexual beings, always urged and ready to use the sausage. These stereotypes/expectations/standards come to the boy's mind as a demand, and that boy may feel bad thinking that he is not sexually attracted to an older woman, not having the taste like everyone else, not complying with the standards of a ''manly boy''. The result is that the boy does not feel comfortable exposing his dislikes with other boys.
4- The responsibility of an adult is to protect and guide the young person in the path of life, not to take advantage of his inexperience in life. Adults aren't a teenager, accept it, and the time to be with teenagers is over.
5- This toxic mentality causes suicides in young boys who do not have the courage to communicate their displeasures to the world and who cannot seek the proper professional help to face this problem; it also means that the complaints of boys abused by women are not taken into account and their events are seen as a joke.
6- Boys are human beings just like anyone else. A grown woman has no right to treat a young boy like a sex slave. Everyone has human rights.
@@BarbieMariposa1613 I never justafaid it. And plus I was in a worse place mentaly (basicly I just had enough of misogenistic bullshit, especially how male victoms are often used to discredit female victoms, with the lie of "it's the same amount if not more". And plus sainc then I actually read something, about it, so my openion is somewhat changed. So sorry if I sounded ignorent.)
1. I know that it's still pedophilia. I hate Colleen Belington too. And depctions of young boy "romanticly" involved with an adult women is still bad. That's one of my problems with a series I watch (basicly an adult women flashed her panties to a teenege boy to manipluet him (and the audienc is suposed to symphatise with her, yeah it's bad)).
2. I know, that rape can happan, and that boys can get trauma from it. But the thing is, I never really read or heard abut boys, or men who feelt uncomfortable, and or hatered towards the oposit sex (common with girls, and women this happand to). There can be victoms like that? Shure, but I would still like to read about it, from a more progresiv point of view (the ones MRA wrote, were just blaming women for men chosing to rape boys, and blame feminism, for female predeters existing.)
3.Yes. That's one problem too. You also left out that the strereo type that women are not sexual (wich could play a part in downplaying it). And I think to condact a research about the effects of sexual trauma on boys, and men, that colutural streotype (men are hypersexual), needs to day.
4. I know it. I was sexually harrassed by a man before I become 18. I never justafaid it, I just thought that it was defrent. When the genders are reversed.
5. And another reason why boys, and men don't tend to seek perfesional help, is stigma areund men being valnurable, and arounf therapy in general.
6. I know that boys are human beings.
(sorry for the bad English It's not my first laungvige, and misunderstending.)
When I was 16, I met the karate instructor who was 28, who would later become my boyfriend. This was through a program specifically aimed at vulnerable people suffering from severe mental illness, and I had just been diagnosed with undifferentiated schizophrenia and was on meds for it. About half a year after I turned 17, he and I were hanging out alone at his place a lot, taking long walks, and I was apparently "very obviously into him" and trying very hard to be with him. This was his excuse later when I accused him of abuse. I came onto him and he was hesitant. Not because of my age, of course, but because I was overweight. He forced me to exercise and coerced me into weaning off my meds so I would lose weight. After I'd lost about 35 kgs, my clothes became the issue, then I was stressing him out because of all my mental illness issues, and then he broke it off with me, because I'd tried to break up with him 4 times, and it was making him exhausted to try to get back with me :( poor thing. I barely remember anything from the 2 years we were together. It's mostly blacked out, and I'm kinda happy it is.
I'm so sorry, that honestly sounds terrible :( I hope you're in a better place now and have been able to get some help to deal with that, makes me so angry reading things like this. I really hope he hasn't done that again to others
@@BryonyClaire It's been 8 years since then and I've had lots of wonderful therapy! I'm now in a completely different part of life, and as far as I know, he has been in and out of therapy himself and hasn't been with anyone else. Wins all around. I do think it's really important to share these stories, even though they're rough, so that young people have more resources. Thank you so much for doing such a long video on it!
Oh my gosh. That’s awful. I’m hope you’re safe from him now. ❤
So sorry 😔
Seeing your user name, it seems like you've kept a sense of humor. I wish you the best.
I've never had an age gap relationship, but I realise how strange my parents' was - they started dating (and got married like within a year) when my mom was 19 and my dad 25. They were married for 25 years, until my mom finally did what she wanted and took a job in a city she had been begging to move to for years. Rather than keep the family together, as my dad had a easily relocatable job, my dad stayed put and found a 23 year old, who was one year younger than my brother! at the time I didn't think anything of it and had the "age is nothing but a number" attitude. having grown up and with distance - what I see is that my mom took her power back, and my dad had to find someone else that was pliable. Fwiw, that relationship broke in basically the exact same way as the one with my mom's.
Relatable. My mom was pregnant with me when she was 17 and my dad was 28. They did get married and stayed together for a long time even though my dad (although not physically abusive) wasn’t great to her but, eventually, my mom found her power and left him in her 30s and now has a husband 1 year younger than her and they seem very happy together.
@@persephone213sorry to hear that your mother was hoe and ditch you😢
Similar to my parents: Mum had just turned 20 when they married, and Dad was 30.
They stayed together until he died 26 years later, but I never felt like they were happy.
They didn't believe in divorce, so there's no way to know if they wanted to split.
The bad thing is, when I (the only daughter) was approaching 20, my mum got really keen to get me coupled with someone, anyone... But I didn't want that. I wanted to get to know myself first.
I'm 32 now and still dread the thought of marriage. I feel like I got the "What not to do" manual from my parents, lol. I'm not entirely against age-gap relationships when they're between proper adults that are equals, though.
But, then again, thinking back to my Dad... I can barely understand early-20-somethings when they speak. Dating one would sound exhausting, marrying one more like a nightmare.
Age gap discourse so crazy we gonna act like a 19 yo has inherent hypoagency to a 25 yo.
@@bilalbhuttiali1411 6 years of experience tends to make a difference, one just left high school, the other probably finished college and already been working for some years.
My grandmother was groomed by her friends dad and had my mum. It was hard to realise that my grandmother was a human being who was herself abused, due to her abusing me. And her family calls it an affair. It was not an affair, it was a creepy old man grooming a teenager.
That's exactly what it was.
Was the friend’s dad your mom’s father?!
@@lll.24601 yes
@@lll.24601that's what they said.
Sounds like she loves it
You touched on this very briefly, but it's important to note that:
1. Large Age Gaps are far less popular in countries that have high Gender Equality Indexes or are seen as historically progessive when it comes to women's rights
2. The US is a conservative country, according to that same Index
3. Popular Media these days tends to come from Conservative Countries like the US and Japan
4. The Industries of those countries are led by conservative old men, therefore scewing our perception when it comes to individual responsibility and acceptance of something that leans towards exploitation, dependence, abuse, and trauma in real life. Calling it a very personal experience does not touch into the societal and medial indoctrination that encourages or excuses large age gaps. You could say that "good" examples are the exception, not the rule.
exactly
I wonder if the reason for 1 is that men of those countries just date elsewhere?
@@josepheridu3322 men who want to date younger women are insecure
@@josepheridu3322 not in my experience. I used to live in east Asia and the VAST majority of men who would date local women 10-20 years younger than them were from: US, UK, (to a smaller extent) Canada, fair few Russians too. But the extreme majority were American.
Relatively conservative countries, yeah, but Hollywood is generally despised by the conservative elements in the US and considered by them to be liberal. Conservative, of course, means different things depending on what the old order culture was, and if Hollywood is conservative, they’re conserving a very specific local culture. Which appears to consider the ability of men in power to exploit anyone they can to be a first principle.
When I was 14 my 20-year old boyfriend ended up dumping me because I was “too immature”.
Did he think you were his manic pixie dream girl or something lmao, he sounds so stupid😂😂
LOL
Yo! LMAO
Gotta love it lol
That’s pedophilia
I was 17 and he was 29. While nothing truly terrible happened because I was able to get out early, there are still some things that looking back on it were out of line and just not right. We were in a theatre group together and we got on quite well. At the end of show party he snuck me multiple drinks, which even at the time I thought was a massive red flag but unfortunately decided to ignore it. He asked me out, originally to "hang out at his place" which I just couldn't do. I ended up inviting a friend my age to go with me to a public place. Afterward he asked me if I wanted to go to his, he tried to get into my car, tried to kiss me and more, all awkward and gross. I declined and never talked to him again. I checked up on him recently and years later he's dating an 18 year old. He hasn't changed.
Even though all of my alarms were going off about him, I thought that I could handle it because I was "mature for my age" but I look back at it now and cringe. I'm glad that I was one of the lucky ones.
Glad that she took one ass for the team and not you. Good job at not being the sucker
Oh yeah, the drinks...
Even as an adult, trying to get you to go to bars and get hammered, even as a friend.... run!
Trust me, this isn't about you being boring, this is about you refusing to be mentally incompetent enough to give proper consent. He can take advantage, he can "push it" without you slapping him off.
These ppl got a fetish for teens ig
The most toxic relationship I ever had was in Middle School with a "friend" who would manipulate people around him for sick kicks. The most toxic relationship I've ever witnessed among people I know was between my cousin and a bride around his own age, who turned him into a COVID nut and completely alienated him from his family. People manipulate people.
I was 17, he was 29. We married when I was 30 and still the happiest wife in the world. People talk too much. ❤
Like you touched on, my issue is a "life experience gap" more so than age, but they're inextricably linked in most cases. In early adulthood, we have plenty of gaps in our knowledge and life experience and look to those older than us to fill in those gaps. Ideally, these would be [good] parents, mentors, and other positive role models. However, in the unfortunate case you run into a predator or someone who just does not have your best interest in mind, they might try to fill in those gaps in a way that suits them. Convincing you that you're "lucky to have them", that your concerned loved ones are just "jealous", or that you're "mature for your age".
You can be very different ages and have very similar goals, experiences, and interests. You can also be just a few years apart and have a huge power differential. Age is just an easier proxy to use but can sometimes be too reductive.
When I was 20, during my first year of university I was working as a bartender and met a 28 years old guy there. Long story short, he's just hung out there after work during my shifts and we talked, found out that we have a crazy amount of things in common in terms of interests, views, plans, basically all of it - friends started joking we're the same person with delusions that there are two of us. We started dating, now we're almost three years together and it might be the healthiest relationship I've ever been in my life - not only a romantic one, across all categories. He's just the sweetest, smartest and most caring person, but most importantly - I've never felt that he doesn't think the same thing about me.
(it's an exception for the rule, most age-gap relationships I've witnessed were plain gross and manipulative)
i feel similarly about my partner.
Ive been in predatory age gap situation (when i was a minor) and that was fucked up. i get why people are wary of age gaps because they absolutely can be predatory.
but i feel completely safe and equal with my current partner. We met when i was just to turn 21, and my partner was 27. Itll be our three year mark together next month. We are both autistic and adhd, and trans. We dont have any financial leverage over the other or anything like that. Sometimes things work out even with an age gap, but like you said, its probably and exception, definitely not the rule.
Same- I met my bf at 18, he was 26, and he has helped me grow and become a more stable person and is very supportive. He helped motivate me to get a college education, have a stable home life, and become significantly richer. Not once has he used any ‘grooming’ tactics or lovebombing or has ever been abusive. It’s naturally the exception of the rule.
@@sugma148😬
That's amazing, i aswell feel very healthy and happy in my relationship. He is 32 and i'm 24.
The only thing that bothers me is when we meet new people and they seem disgusted by our age gap, it makes me feel like we're doing something absolutely wrong sometimes (it's good that people are suspicious, but it also hurts). I get easily influenced by opinions of outsiders (i need to work on that somehow) and I was almost ready to break up with him over that. He is the most wonderful person, and i still have doubts sometimes. Does that happen to anyone?
@@erkee_99 I’ve had it happen- the only consolation is the people criticizing me were often stuck in abusive relationships, swearing up and down their love was true and real only to break up and move on fast, or people who had issues with men/women. Most people either haven’t asked or don’t question us dating especially now that I’m older
As someone who was a victim, I really think if you are under 21, there should only be 2 years. Emotional and sexual maturity changes quickly throughout development
@@manosijroy8282it’s ok probably, because these age ‘rules’ are more like guidelines. You shouldn’t be specifically seeking out someone form that age, but if you happen to click with one and you’re in similar life stages, it should be ok
@@manosijroy8282 it’s because 19 is just in college where 22 is most likely already starting their first job in what’s gonna be their career. 19 is a bit more of an experimental age (although this of course is just a general statement once again. Since I dropped out I’m gonna start college at 0 again when I’m 21, so I’m probably gonna be a bit closer life-wise to 18/19 year olds than other 21 year olds)
@@manosijroy8282 you asked a question and I answered. I literally already said it was fine… why are you being this defensive?
@@jemappellemerci Because he's the older one and he's probably somewhat predatory (regardless of an age gap; predators come in all ages, age gaps just make the predatory nature more obvious). No reason to be so defensive if you're doing nothing wrong and you know you're doing nothing wrong. Normal people don't take someone else's opinion so personally unless they feel guilty.
@@manosijroy8282 yes, your behavior is absolutely disgusting. A 1st year student and a 3rd-4th year student are in completely different positions, sometimes at different degree levels even (a 22 year old could be easily starting their masters) as the older student has a good understanding of what they're studying already and potentially already have a job in their industry while the younger student is completely clueless in regards to anything yet, they may not even know their faculty cannot be trusted to provide any correct information ever
I (23 y/o) don’t have a problem with age gaps of a few years, where there isn’t a power dynamic like dating a teacher for example. That said, I personally don’t feel comfortable dating someone younger than me, but I’m fine if they’re older than me (again only by a few years. I can’t do decades). This is just me speaking for myself
I totally wouldn't be comfortable dating a younger person
Itd probably be important to define how many years "a few" is?
Likewise. That being said, I am still a minor. I wouldn't go for age gap relationships until i'm about 20-23. If anything, 1-2 years at MOST is what i'm fine with.
Wait til your brain fully develops at 25, lol.
I fully agree. Personally, age gaps are a turn-on for me. However, I'm 19, and in complete honesty, it's probably a trauma thing.
That's why I limit myself to like 3 years older than me, max (I'd never date someone younger). It's for my safety honestly and if we're in different life stages then it's a sign we shouldn't be together.
When I was around 17 my first job out of high school was a cleaner in a conference centre which also had offices near some of the rooms. I was once approached by a 42 year old man confessing his feelings for me whilst I was in the middle of cleaning a room. I was so shocked and surprised that I ended up crying in front of him not knowing what to say or do. The guy comforted me and eventually left me alone. I did report what happened to my manager who said they would report the event to their supervisor. As far as I'm aware the guy still worked there after that incident but just avoided me whenever he saw me. For such a long time I blamed myself for being such a wimp and crying and not standing up for myself. Looking back now I see that I was a victim and he was out of line for doing this to a teenager. I really appreciate this video and hope more victims realize it's not their fault and they're not alone
My partner is 14 yrs older than I am and we've both had a previous marriage/life partner. So ours is definitely a situation where we are in similar life stages and wanting similar things. Early 30s to mid 40s isn't a big deal for us. I've dated older men when I was younger and it definitely caused issues in the relationship.
I think people in the US are really weird with age gaps. Maybe because the country is so religious and conservative? I know several relationships with age gaps that work out and are non toxic. Though all of them were at least in their mid 20s like 24 and older when they entered the relationships. And they had 12+ years age gap.
I think a 16 year old with a 28 year old ( age of consent is 16 here ) is weird. But 25 and 37 is something completly different.
I also think it is weird thinking of 17 year old as "children". They are teenager. Children are 12 and younger. So this 17 is a child and 18 is suddenly an adult is just very weird thinking for me. Before I get angry comments. I was 11 years in a relationship with a man 3 years older than me. I'm not attracted to young people. I just mean this weird switch from talking about a petson as a child and then suddenly as an adult as if a switch was flipped. That's weird to me.
@@danika9411 you really don't think this is a US problem do you?
Like do you genuinely think US is more conservative and religious than countries like Pakistan, India etc?
@@sabsain2399 In the western world? Definetly a US problem. But hey if you wish to compare yourself to countries where it's worse ( young boys being r@ped is a big problem in Pakistan and r@pe in general in India ) just so you can look better. You do you. But you could also compare yourself to most European countries or Canada. But then you don't look so good anymore I guess.
@ferret4111 I think it depends how jig the age gap is. I think around 10-15 years age gap is not considered weird. But I'm more thinking about someone who is f.e. 32 dating someone who is 44. Someone who is 55 who dates a 25 year old is looked at weird as well. So I think it depends.
@@danika9411 wtf are you even on about lmfao. I'm not from the US.
I was criticising the ignorance of calling age gap normalisation a "US problem" lol EVEN in the Western world
My mom was 15 when she met my father, who was 22 at the time. Their relationship was always extremely psychologically toxic, and even evolved to DV. I remember spending my entire childhood wishing they would divorce, and it eventually happened, but not until I was 19 and they had 2 other kids together. Now my father, 50, is dating a 32 year old black woman. He's learned to stop with the physical abuse, but he's still extremely mentally draining and very racist. On the other hand, his girlfriend is using him for his money so I guess at least she's somewhat in hold of some power? 💁🏻♀️ still wish she'd run away, but oh well.
Being in it for the money is one of those things that makes you feel like you have the power in a relationship, but it's a fake sort of power. Because he could leave and take all that money with him and she'd be left with nothing but the PTSD. I hope she realizes that and runs.
Studies show men 17 - 20 are twice as likely to commit DV against their partner as someone 25 - 28.
Right because two 15 year olds together is going to produce such greater results, right?
@Dennis-nc3vw 😂😂😂 wow wow maybe they can leave 15yrs old to teenage stuff??? what a dense comment to excuse predator behaviour
🧡
my mother was in an age gap relationship from the age of 28 with a 20 year old. She would always complain about how immature he was at times. They even married for a spell, but are divorced now. She supplied him with a child, because she didn't think he'd ever have children otherwise. I've been in my own queer age gap relationships. Some good, some bad. I don't know about having 25 as a cut off, but people targeting 18-22ish because of their age are gross. A relationship where the age gap is incidental can work, but one where the gap is a predatory goal is imbalanced and can lead to a lot of trauma. A very grey topic
Definitely agree there's a massive difference between an age gap that genuinely wasn't planned at all and those who specifically want to be with younger people. I find the second one to be gross no matter if the target age range is over 25
''A relationship where the age gap is incidental can work, but one where the gap is a predatory goal is imbalanced and can lead to a lot of trauma.'' I agree! I also agree that the cutoff age being 25 is a bit high, considering that a lot of working adults are younger than that, and quite capable in their (sometimes dangerous) jobs, but that 21/22 is a good cutoff age for a larger gap. That's when people are genuinely equal before the law, and are either finishing college or working for a few years. Either way, adults. Still, whatever the age, a gap has to be incidental, and people who deliberately go only for much younger people are a red flag.
My parents were married when my dad was 21 and my mom was 27. They had me and my twin brother a couple years later. Their relationship is fine, despite the fact that they definitely weren't in the same life stage when they met and got married. My dad, prior to them meeting, had been going to college, but something happened, and he had to drop out. My mom had graduated from college years prior, and she had established herself in the workforce. I think it worked out because my father was never really immature, or at least not in a traditional sense. But I think they've done okay for themselves.
21 and 27 is not an age gap relationship. The discourse is just that ppl get mad over smaller and smaller gaps.
I'm sorry, but a six year reverse genders marriage would be considered the norm.
You are only thinking it's weird because your mom is older. This is so average if the guy was 27 and the girl was 21.
I wish I had people with a six year age gap try to marry me at that age. Nope! All middle aged f$$kers thinking they can buy me. Yuch!
@@bilalbhuttiali1411 Wdym "not an age gap relationship" though? The two people are in a relationship, and there's definitely a gap there. Everything beyond 4-5 years is gonna be more apparent (for the most part at least).
Really doesn't need to have the negative connotation that it usually does, but it is what it is.
@@bilalbhuttiali1411 did you miss the whole part of the video where she discusses that different people have different opinions on what an age gap is? It's subjective.
@@yourlocalcryptidd It is subjective. In my personal, subjetive opinion: If both are over 20, if you can't clearly tell who's older just by looking at them, it's not an age gap. I find it odd that some people would categorize 21 and 27 as an age gap. Or 36 and 42. I don't even mind actual age gaps, though, if it's between two equal, consensual adults, who respect each other. I know people who got married when one was 25 and the other one 40, and they are still happily married 20 years later. I think that a lot of people nowadays (especially the Millenials, and I can tell that, as I'm a Millenial myself) tend to nitpick and police intrapersonal relationships. The idea is to help, but the execution, especially from some of the Millenial TH-camrs (Bryony not being included here, because, even if she says that she personally echoes some of the same opinions, she's incredibly nuanced, respectful, and aware that they are subjective), tends to be somewhat condescending.
i'm a guy and i was 15 when i was "with" a 19 to 20 year old girl. i always kept telling her i couldn't wait till i was 18 and here i am grown up now looking back and realizing the reason she stopped talking to me after a while was because i wasn't "young" anymore.
i am currently in a 2 year gap relationship (me the younger) and it is the most beautiful thing ever and i feel so truly safe and content in my current relationship. I am truly happy in this relationship and i believe if you truly love that person and you both feel safe and you both are comfortable and of adult age then you are fine.
I'm glad you realized how messed that relationship is, my friend is currently 15 and she's dating a 21 year old...
how did you realize that the relationship was super wrong? i want my friend to understand that she's only being taken advantage of but i don't know how to convince her she's just getting manipulated (she's "in love")
@@vișinată15
Start a conversation with about what you guys will be doing when you turn 21.
And write different fun goals/mistakes in little papers and put it in a hat.
As a fun activity each of you pick one at a time.
I'm 21, I already have a car.
I'm 21, I have a job.
I'm 21, I went to Canada.
I'm 21, I'm in college
I'm 21, I've voted already.
I'm 21, I'm dating sophomore boy from my old highschool.
Subtle ways of bringing attention to the issue without directly bashing on the guy, because she is already defensive of him and their relationship.
If she continues to go with the relationship, the best you can do is be there for her but also start setting boundaries.
You will no cover/lie for her.
My boyfriend is 6 years younger than me. I'm 31 and he's 25. I was TERRIFIED to tell people we were seeing each other in the beginning because of the age gap conversation being so heated. I have never gotten along with or had more in common with a man in my entire life. I was married for 5 years and I didnt get along with my ex husband remotely as well as my current boyfriend.
Try to become loyal with your boyfriend and don't care about others
I can see where this ist coming from. ❤
31 and 25 aren't bad at all so anyone mad at that is strange
I am currently the older woman in a sapphic age gap relationship. I've had my concerns about it, but watching a deep discussion video on it always makes me more comfortable. 👩❤️💋👩💞
you're contributing to what homophobes are preaching about when talking about gay people being sexual predators
@@fatimahanwaar306 chill out you don't even know this person, for all you know they could both be in their 80s
@@In_Pain_ grow up your argument is invalid gay people being in age gap relationships are furthering the homophobia and transgender people in age gap relationships are furthering the transphobia
@@fatimahanwaar306 even if all queer people did the most morally correct things and were the angels of the earth, homophobes would still find a way to hate. gay people being sexual predators is just one of many lies homophobes have spread and they will continue doing so, for as long as they remain homophobic. no matter what gay people are ACTUALLY like
@@fatimahanwaar306 hey babe, this is a really incorrect take and I would like to share some thoughts with you 🫶
You can personally disapprove of the age-gap, same-sex, celebrity relationships you mentioned
BUT individual relationships, such as these, are ABSOLUTELY NOT WHY the gay predator/groomer narrative that has plagued the queer community has been perpetuated. And I would argue, these relationships have no impact on homophobic rhetoric.
Seriously, think about how homophobes actually talk about (imagined) “gay predators”. They are never citing examples of actual queer relationships. To them, queerness itself is the source of predatory compulsions; something innate to homosexuality.
This ethos can be traced back at least to 1200 ce in Europe (but definitely predates elsewhere) when the Roman Catholic Church started its campaign against homosexuality, codifying concepts of sodomy and sodomy laws. Needless to say, criminal suspicion of queer people has had a long time to fester and metastasize into even more irrational territory than “they don’t procreate, therefore they betray humanity but also most importantly GOD.”
By the 19th and 20th Century queerness in the west would be regarded as “asocial” and “deviant” and met with hegemonic distrust and near-primitive levels of fear of secret gays betraying society through various fictitious “degenerative” means.
In the 20th century this thinking came to a head with the Holocaust in Europe and in America with the lavender scare of the 50s. There are American PSAs from the 50s and 60s warning people of the insidious homosexual coming for your children (“Boys Beware” is among the most famous) that you can actually still watch on TH-cam! At the time, homosexuality was classified by the DSM as a "sexual deviation" within the larger "sociopathic personality disturbance" category of personality disorders, the same category as pedophilia. This would not be repealed until ‘74 (for reference stonewall was in ‘69) and the diagnosis of an “individual distressed by their homosexuality” remained in the DSM until 2013!!! (Again for reference of time, I am in my mid-twenties and both of my parents were born before ‘74 and my dad before stonewall! This was not that long ago!)
Needless to say, this particular stigma has well outlived ANY particular queer relationship and dates back to a time when most queer relationships were almost entirely secret anyways. Homophobes aren’t looking to real-world queer people to inform the tenets of their bigotry; they project what they want upon us as a form of subjugation. (Take for example the current “queer grooming” narrative of bad actors like desantis based on LITERALLY ZERO REALWORLD DATA)
Homophobia is a brain poison that is not affected by the individual actions or relationships of individual queer people.
When homophobes talk about gays being groomers and predators THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY NOT TALKING ABOUT AGE-GAP RELATIONSHIPS. They are not talking about op. They are demonizing to subjugate. Period.
My advice to you, if you are queer or an ally yourself, is to stop perpetuating this rhetoric, which you seemingly despise, yourself. And tbh you don’t know anything about op’s relationship, are needlessly shitting on a queer person and blaming them for their own stigmatization? not cool :/
Bc honestly, babe, this is how internalized homophobic rhetoric rears its ugly head. You’re stigmatizing this sapphic person the same way a raging self-proclaimed homophobe would. Don’t get it twisted.
…
I wrote this wall of text with the intention to inform and find solidarity with my fellow internet queers and allies 🫶 I say it all with respect and well wishes for your growth, well-being and happiness xoxo
🫂hugs from a queer history nerd🫂
🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️✨
I always considered myself
to be very mature by the end of my teens and early twenties. And I was. In a sense. I had more life experience than most other people, having lived in multiple countries and places. And because of it I had a very distinguished multifacitted view of life and people.
Now, almost 35, I realize that there are different levels of maturity. You can know how to adult, have a job, a house, a family but never really take responsibility for you actions. Never grow aware of your patterns and always stay trapped in toxic or unhealthy patterns. I‘ve only really matured into an emotionally responsible adult who knew themselves and their boundaries when I was like 32. My brother was a bit „quicker“ with 29. I have a fair share of friends who only entered their emotional maturity in their 30s and there are so many people who just never do. For example, My mother F60, although she would never admit it herself, is still is so emotionally immature that it sometimes feels like talking to a teenager. And I am not saying that because she is incapable, on the contrary, she is a very strong and capable woman doing all the aldult things the way adults do
Them. It’s just with interpersonal relationships she got stuck somewhere. Maybe that‘s why it took me longer, maybe its just the 30s that makes people start questioning things. Really look at their baggage, take inventory, and figure out the healthiest way to
carry it. It‘s a journey of growth and you can usually tell right away where someone stands. In that regard age doesn‘t really matter, as long as you are on the same level of growth. I’ve met people the same age as me and I could never date them because their minds and views are as narrow as an 18year old. Although I just said, age does not matter, there is just a taboo zone. Anyone over 30 dating anyone under 23 just gives me the ick. (leonardo really grosses me out)
The 25-29 is kinda like a „gray“ zone. Personally I believe that Above the age of 30, age gaps don’t really matter anymore.
Same here. I'm in my 30s and I feel I really started maturing in the past few years. Before I was occupied with adulting somehow. I think depending on the person an age gap 25+ is ok. Also depends how big it is. 25 with someone who is 35 is ok I think. 35 with 18 is a bit weird imo. I'd be concerned the older person might be a predator.
English isn't my first language. Sorry for mistakes.
They absolutely do matter after 30. Especially when it's really old men thinking they have a chance or should hit on women so much younger than them. It's honestly vomit inducing when some crusty old man old enough to be my dad comes at me like that.
I know people in their 60s who have the emotional maturity of toddlers
I was 23, my late husband was almost 12 years older. He was also my second marriage. We were together just shy of 3 decades when he passed last year from cancer.
Edit to add, first marriage was to the father of my children, who was abusive and 5 years my senior.
My second marriage was "relationship goals" for the most part, no abuse, every relationship has areas that could be better, he treated me with respect, period.
Jesus christ. Divorced at 23. That's a baby
I’m glad you found happiness and love with your second husband. Sorry for your loss ❤️
Sorry for your loss
I was in 2 abusive, age gap relationships back to back from ages 14-21.
I'm 24 now and this video really put into perspective why I'm struggling so much.
Thank you for talking about this.
People like me need to hear this stuff.
Even if you don't believe you've been traumatized by an age gap predatory relationship, you have. It's really eye opening to realize that all of this mental trauma you have is there for a reason.
I hope it's okay that I share this. If not, I'll gladly delete it!
I'm 27. I have had only 1 relationship and it was an age gap, probably a problematic one. I was 16, he was 31. Somewhat on and off for 2-3 years. Idk why tf I thought this was a good idea.
My homelife & mental health was shit, I had no friends and we kept our relationship a secret (I know, bad idea). To this day my parents still don't know and they never will. I've never told anyone, besides typing it here, still dont know if I'm gonna regret it...
I'm neurodivergent and I feel like that might have something to do with it. Also the fact that I spent much of my early teens in and out of hospitals for surgeries.
Looking back, I was in a ton of situations with him where I thought something really bad might happen and no one would even know where I am. He lived hours away, so when I went to see him (never just for 1 day), I had no one else nearby to go to if needed. The people in his life that knew never called it out, so that meant no one told me 'hey... this is weird'.
I actually eventually ended the relationship myself, because he wanted me to become the mother to his (absolutely adorable) 5-year-old son (who's actual mother was in the picture), and the kid was getting attached, calling me his second mommy, which made me feel really guilty. He also wanted me to essentially be a housewife and not get a degree or work. Idk why those things of all of it was too much, but I ended it and went to college.
I still make excuses for him in my head and blame myself. I haven't been in a relationship since that one. Being 27, I can't imagine dating someone younger than me, let alone a minor, that's disgusting. But even though I would never blame anyone else for being in this situation, I do blame myself. That's what's so weird about this. You feel ruined.
Anyone who reads this, please know that that type of age gap is not okay, and if you can't tell people you're dating someone because you are afraid of their reaction, that's a sign.
💜
Oh hun that's awful, you will have a proper loving rejationship some day x
You were a kid and it's not your fault
you where 16, im sorry that happend
Practice telling yourself, in your head, aloud, and in writing, that it was his fault and not yours, and the reasons why. Make it a habit. You were young, and under a lot of strain, and adults can get into those bad situations.
Feeling ruined is an illusion. That feeling can be caused by something happening that makes you feel like you’re not the person you’re supposed to be, whether it’s the relationship itself or something that happened in it. But those things that happen may not mean what you feared at the time, and you can rise up and be who you’re supposed to be.
You can feel better than you do now.
If people are threatening you, it means that you're a threat to them. No one should be uncomfortable or feel threatened about this topic unless they are feeling called out and are in the wrong.
I'm just gonna be blunt, anyone making a threatening comment, they probably aren't in a healthy relationship
Agree!
Came here to say the same thing...
its kind of like the "not all men" responders. They weren't talking about you if you aren't a problem, and if you get offended, you're probably part of the problem.
While I agree people shouldn't be threatening or insulting her, I understand how people would get upset when you suggest having the government make their relationship (between two consenting adults) illegal 🤷🏻♀️
@@CookieMonster-ul5nn but nobody suggested that. She asked about everyone's thoughts on that situation, which is completely okay.
I had an 18yo friend dating a 14yo boy and the whole thing was really....Weird. Apparently the boy was emotionally distant, wanted to try "new things" in bed to which she denied, and they eventually broke up. She was really affected by it all and cried about how immature he was, and though the boy did do some messed up things to her, she shouldn't be dating a 14yo in the first place, even if he looked older... Glad she eventually saw the wrongs of it and changed for the best.
person: *dates a child*
child: *child acts like a child and is immature*
person: *confused pikachu face*
@@oliweissberg4577 lmao yes, idk what she was expecting
that's a felony
I agree with the theory that alot of us who are against it want to protect people from potential bad experiences or trauma but theres no current perfect solution to it since every relationship is different I think educating ppl on the red flags and guving them access to resources are what eould help the most
Yours is a great nuanced, sensitive take on this subject! I shared my thoughts in the survey (on my happy 20-year age-gap relationship!). And hard agree that if we all had proper social welfare/support systems, relationship power issues would definitely decrease!
Thank you for this video. I was involved with a 25 year old man when I was 17. it was in a group of people that I considered my friends and no one said anything and some even congratulated the guy for it. I see this happen and being talked about like it’s normal to go for the teenage girls and it’s a joke. I am making an effort now to call out that behaviour and hopefully make some changes in that community
I am in so much love with the way you said “onion son” for onision. I 100% also used to think it was said that way and it is still in my opinion, the only appropriate way to address him.
Hahaha, my dyslexia at least worked out comically this time! I read through that whole website of his relationships and far out, what a terrible person
@@BryonyClaire There's a reason he has been called out as one of the TH-camrs "who needs to stop". That Creepy Reading did a video series in regards to that topic, and one of his collaborators discussed Onision.
Dude, is there anywhere that I can go on TH-cam to get away from Onion Boy?!?!?! 😫
my grandparents got married at 16 and 19. my grandma swears all over the place that no other women in the family will do the same if she has any say in it. my mother also dated someone 13 years older than her on her early 20s. ended amicably but i’m still shocked every time she talks about it
You never disappoint!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You've mentioned the 25 year old myth a few times and I thought, "Oh well, most people believe it. No biggie. You can't expect someone to know EVERYTHING about everything. Sheesh." But look at you!!!! Jeez! I am so impressed with your rigor. Truly a breath of fresh air. Thank you!
The child marriage thing that happens in the US is almost always to "fix" premarital sex, especially if it leads to pregnancy. Any attempt to make it so only legal adults can get married is met with "but what if the girl is pregnant?! We HAVE to let her marry the father!"
That is so Islamtastic if yoy think about it
"We have to force her to not get an abortion, have a baby, and marry the biological father.... and ruin her life!"
Yeah that's what they meant to say.
"Let" her marry the father. Right.
@@vulcanhumorRight, because girls never have sex because WE want to, we're always forced/manipulated into it by men, because we don't have sexual desires of our own? So sick of people trying to infantalize women and treat us like we aren't capable of controlling our own bodies and sexual urges! It's only half the guy's fault, but he always gets all the blame.
Perhaps a better rule would simply be to not let UNDERAGE people have sex ILLEGALLY in the first place? Somehow it is only 'illegal' if there is an age gap or the girl gets pregnant 🙄 - somehow if two immature underage teens with NO emotional ability or education in healthy relationships start sexually abusing each other it's all okay? Drinking underage is illegal regardless of whether ALL the drinkers are underage. Sexual interaction for the underage should be dealt with the exact. Same. Way. Sure, rebellious teens are going to try and do illegal things underage, but we don't use that as an excuse to lower the drinking age! We teach them to wait and it's starting to bear fruit as more and more young people voluntarily avoid alcohol. Underage sex should be dealt with in the exact same way.
It's so crazy that people ignore how much higher the rate of teenage pregnancy is than BEFORE contraception! Surely it would be lower? We just let kids have sex randomly, and then pretend to be shocked when they get into unhealthy relationships or see no reason they can't sleep with someone older since they can sleep with everybody else? How can anybody be expected to abruptly exercise sexual restraint when they've never had ANY practice? Seriously, our era's attitude to sex is nuts!
I think it would be useful to have a discussion on what red flags in age gap relationships often are. Pointing out an imbalanced power dynamic is a good start, but when I was 19 I really could have used nuanced bullet points of behaviors to look out for.
It's challenging to provide a bullet point list as every relationship is different just like every person is. Like the examples I was giving in the bad relationships, where a partner is controlling (like not letting someone work, trying to control if they see their friends/family, won't let them out to socialize, controlling their money), is a big red flag. Same as if someone is trying to mold the younger person, this is harder to explain briefly but trying to shape the younger person's belief's to be the older person's. Ultimately, autonomy, as I raised was a key thing when talking about good relationships, both partners being able to have full autonomy is a good thing in a relationship.
What is often ignored in these discussions, is how some very young women think they are very mature and "know what they're doing". Coupled with a determination to leave home as early as possible. In some cases they have abusive parental situations they want to escape, or even the sort of parents that have "You're out of here when you reach 18" as a rule that they start telling their kids quite young. Very few are in the category that can be independent-- though probably most are a bit clueless about it, until they get out there and find out how limited their earning potential is, just out of school, maybe without even a high school diploma. All too many have starry eyes about what it can be like to depend on a man for support, and enter these situations. Which is NOT to excuse the men who take advantage of their situations. When these young women complicate their problems by becoming pregnant and deciding to have a baby, they are really sitting ducks for all the wrong kinds of men. If the first relationship or marriage fails, they are then targeted by men who "love children", for all the worst reasons.
You are so right about UBI and social support. The main reason conservatives oppose it, is it would totally upend the traditional dynamics of women being at the mercy of men, if you give everyone basic security from where they make relationship decisions. Think of how less abuse of both women and children there would be, if dire need was not part of the decision.
No conservatives are against UBI because there are too many takers and not enough contributors. I work at a retail store and too many people want to buy and no one wants to work the supply chain. UBI will make the situation much worse. So conservatives are right. Maybe "liberals" should work and help the supply chain not sit home and get a check so we put food on the table so we can all eat.
@@NoName-zb1gmI don't know what kind of goofy place you live at, but all the "liberals" I know have jobs. All kinds of jobs. And we are in the middle of a great change in our economy, where working people don't get a living wage, and often have two couples working more than one job to get by. Conservatives have NO answers for the problems we are going to be facing in the future. They are going to be relegated to the dustbin of history, because they don't know which way the wind is blowing. They just pull the covers over their heads and think going back to 1950 will solve everybody's problems.
When I turned 18 I was absolute grossed at the idea of dating a 12yo, when I turned 21 I wasn't interested in 16yo. This 'relationships' really mess with your head tbh.
Loved your video 🤍
💛 I'm in an age gap marriage and have so many negative things to say about it. I was 18 and he was 27, and I'm actually fuming that he took advantage of (let's face it) a child. Now I'm 35 and he's 46 and I'm grossed out thinking about what he did. I'm financially dependent on him, but saving up to get an education.
He was 27 and you were 18 when you met, yet now he's 46 and you're 35? How did he go from 9 to 12 years older than you?
@@gamma21285 because I said it wrong (I was overly tired lol). We met when I was 18 and 27, got married one year later, and now I'm 37 and he's 46. Sorry for the confusion.
My partner is 15 years older than me, we've been together since I was 24 (I'm now 38) and had just graduated college. Despite this age difference, due to issues in my personal life, we were in similar life stages. I'd been living on my own + working full-time to support myself entirely since age 16. I had an apartment, a car, ability to budget for myself, no family assistance...being an emancipated minor isn't easy but it was best for my physical and mental health. Compared to the guys my age, who didn't understand or go through the adult struggles I had, it's no wonder that an older man caught my eye and treated me as a financially successful equal rather than a stick in the mud. While there's a lot of younger woman/older man relationships that are truly cringe inducing and really abusive, I'm very happy to say mine is a great relationship. It certainly helps that neither of us care about traditional gender roles, and in fact ours are reversed. Imo this is a very important part of these kind of relationships, since many rely upon male = older dominant provider and female = younger submissive recipient roles, which unfortunately have a likelihood for harm.
That is great it is working for you and youve been together for so long now! I think its extremely rare for it to work so healthily.
I have seen and heard of rships where it was the opposite dynamic like yours, but instead of that being good it was bad because she was the young provider and he was old enough to manipulate her while also being a leech and "man baby". So she was basically providing for and babying the man who was 10 years older and maniuplating and using her. Like they say "there's a reason he doesn't go for women his age" (in that situation). So it's nice to know it's not all bad stories!
it was really nice to read this comment and I'm so glad your relationship has worked. my current partner is about 11 years older than me and we've been together a little over a year now, we met when I was 22. best relationship either of us have been in! I've never had the intention of dating a guy who's that much older than me, and I wouldn't do this again if he and I were to break up. I think our dynamics and personalities line up so well, and have similar life goals, which is important for any relationship no matter the age.
@@natalie0505 Thank you! And yes, I've heard stories like that as well. It's terrible to read about young partners being used and manipulated, obviously by those who don't truly care for them as equals. I'm thankful to have found someone who enjoys more stereotypically femme relationship roles, whereas I prefer more masc ones for myself. So long as both are happy and fulfilled with how things work, it's a good time.
You brought up a good observation regarding "a reason he/she doesn't date someone their own age". A piece of advice I'd give to anyone looking at getting into a ltr with an older person is to ask about their dating history. Imo it is a big red flag if they exclusively date younger people. My own guy actually had his own reservations about us, because he had always previously dated women his age or even 2-3 years older. I'm the only one in his entire life who's more than 1 year younger! That knowledge was helpful for me to understand he didn't see me as a trophy, but as an individual.
@@crumblytoast Congrats on finding each other! Yeah, I'd tried to date guys my own age for years but unfortunately was in such a different life stage that they actually seemed too "young" in my eyes, and I was frequently told I acted too old, frugal, or boring for someone in their late teens/early 20s. Like you, I didn't set out to specifically find an older guy, but once it happened...wow! Lol. It was a relief to find someone who was on the same mental/emotional wavelength. I wish you many happy years together!
I am happy to hear that you feel fulfilled in your relationship. Like you, I am also an age-gapper; my husband is 7~8 years older than me. We have had a "successful" marriage in that we've been married for over 10 years and don't hate each other, finding joy in going on adventures with our two little ones. However, we've talked about the ethics around the beginnings of our relationship. 17 year old girl (me) and 25 year old man (him). While he was undeniably immature at that time (just had gotten his first apartment, partying like a teenager, floating around from low paying job to low paying job), I'm not sure that we were equally matched in maturity, life experience, or power dynamic.
We have a daughter together, an 8 year old who pummels me at Roblox. I wouldn't want for her to be involved in a similar relationship so young even though it ended up working out for me. While you were probably a very capable, mature 24 year old, I can't help but wonder what motivated your partner to pursue or even be interested in a relationship with someone who was so much younger. I say this because I also wonder what went through my husband's head to justify pursuing a teenage kid. It feels wrong for the older party to have been involved at all to be honest. I would like to think that my husband would have acted differently now, but I do not regret the life that I have. Do you ever feel this way? Would you advise your hypothetical daughter to be involved in an age-gap relationship? Do you think your partner would make the same choices if he had to do things over (maybe even pretending that the hypothetical 24 year old wasn't you for an unbiased opinion)? No hate whatsoever, but it's an interesting thing to think about for sure.
I am 21 and my boyfriend is 35. We met at work, we used to be coworkers and honestly I never met someone that I have so much in common with before. He is way more gentle and kind than my exes ever were and we love the same things. He helps me getting more confidence and standing up for myself and I help him getting out of his comfort zone. My parents met him, I met his parents (I am the first woman he ever just talked about to his parents), they all see that we are happy together and that we have much in common. Our coworkers were really happy when they learned that we started dating. He supports me with my studies and encourages me to pursue my dream degree.
I can totally understand that in many cases age gap relationship can be abusive and wrong but I was lucky enough to find such a sweetheart. We et weird looks from strangers in the street but we don't mind, we laugh it off.
My husband is 12 years older. I love our dynamic as he is a true masculine leader and has so much wisdom and experience that I glean from.
We’ve been married 20 years.
The only downside is: men don’t typically live as long as women.🥴😖😔
I was 22yo, in college, naive, when my ex husband pursued me when he was 32yo. I was a trophy to him. He manipulated me and made me think he was a good person and had his sh*t together. He didn't. He wasted my 20s and early 30s, put me into tens of thousands of dollars into debt, mentally abused me and made me feel worthless, unloved and unattractive. I wish I had never married him or had left sooner. But being older and being a covert narcissist and mentally ill, he was good at keeping me codependent. I'm so glad to be single now, but I'm older now and dating sucks, but at least I know better know and I know what I want and what I don't want in a partner. I'm also one more payment array from paying off that debt. A new chapter is coming and I'm excited!
I'm of the opinion now that older people should let 20 something people live their life and not tie them down! Leave them be and let them experience life the way older people got to.
@@lostecho5318 I'm 40yo and can't imagine dating someone in their 20s. You might consider letting your gf explore the world with her peers instead of potentially holding her back from living her life freely. I don't even know what people in their mid to late 30s and early 40s could possibly have in common with someone in their 20s... besides being attracted to someone more youthful looking. 😬 You may think it's a healthy relationship, but is it what's best for her? 🤔
Is a 3 year age gap between 2 college age people fine? I am a 22 year old guy in last year of college and like a girl in my college who is in 1st year and she is 19 now so we are only 3 years apart. We seem to get along well and I started liking her. Will it be fine to ask her out?
@@manosijroy8282 I think that's fine. 10+ year gaps really bother me... it's a generational difference at that point.
@@lostecho5318 she's got her entire 20s ahead of her. Are you going to tie her down and prevent her from experiencing her 20s with her peers? It just seems wrong to me.
@@annEngr They can have lots of thing in common. What interests and hobbies do you think would be age related? I don't subscribe to the thought that liking certain things must be bound by a certain age and also that people in similar age likes the things.
23:20 when it comes to recognizing abuse and sexual assault a lot of it also has to do with education. We live in a society that doesn’t teach what a HEALTHY relationship looks like and we live in a society that has a very narrow view of abuse/assault esp with male victims. I’ve literally seen men online talk about their experiences in their youth and you’re listening and you’re like… that’s CSA. That’s grooming. And they legit have no idea. Because a lot of it is normalized and what isn’t normalized there’s no education around.
Sadly true.
I really appreciate that the focus point of your crtitque of age gap relationships was centered around power dynamics, it made the video very nuanced in context of what the people prying on youth really look for, which is not necessarily their age but rather the innocence, lack of experience and naivite which they could exploit.
Thank you for efforts on this topic as its not an easy one to talk about.
I know I'm super duper late seeing this, but just wanted to say that I appreciate the mention and this thoughtful, nuanced look at a complicated topic!
I love that you did this video. I have kind of a unique experience with an age gap relationship. We started dating when I was 17 and he was 20. I was dual enrolled so I was attending college while still in high school. He didn’t know I was 17 at first. We really just kind of fell in love without trying. He never made me feel pressured or isolated. We have been together for 12 years and married for almost 5. I know I am really the outlier in these situations and I don’t advocate for age gap relationships for most, but it did work out incredibly well for me.
@@weirddd469I was in college at 16 😂
I appreciate your take on this and the nuance. I met my current husband when I was 17. We began dating not long after, and at the time, he was 21. We have 4.5 years between us. I completely understand how someone hearing that would be concerned, but they don’t know what our relationship is like. We both grew a TON, and we grew together. In our own ways. When I met him, I was still figuring out who I was. He enjoyed seeing me find who I was, and I helped him find himself too. When we met, we unfortunately met in a biblical south church building. We are both atheists now. I realized my sexuality, panromantic demisexual. If someone (age gap or not) is stifling you, controlling you, manipulating you in anyway at all, it is bad. He never and has never done that. We have a child now, and I love him just as much if not more. He’s grown so much since I met him. Same for me. It can work, sure. But I understand the concern, like I said. Before I met my current husband, I was groomed by an adult. I knew the signs and the differences. Sending hugs to you all.
Responding to the poll at the beginning (the 5 year age difference being an age gap between both adults being 25 and older): I think younger people will see an age gap of 5 years as bigger because 5 years is a lot "longer" (more growth packed in) for them than people 25 and up--or especially 30 and up. Less experience and pivotal moments tend to separate adults' ages from each other. I think most of us remember being 13/14 and thinking 18 year olds were so grown-up and mature--but once we hit 24, a 28 year old isn't that grown-up to us. So to the younger audience, five years--even between a 30 and 25 year old--seems like a lot.
I met who would become my husband in March at 22. He looked to be in his early 30s (he has a baby face) but was actually in his late 30s. We came a couple that June after a couple months of friendship, and after seeing how much he cared and involved with his children from a previous marriage. Got married precisely a week before my 25th birthday and 3 weeks after his 42nd. So basically a 17 year age difference. He was previously married to a lady 10 years his senior and she was emotionally abusive. The power imbalance thing you spoke of happened in that marriage.
She even used their kids as weapons for years (I know because she would often cancel meet ups while he was on his way to his boys which killed him everytime).
Anyway, because of this I demanded proper marital and individual counselling... 9 months of it infact which helped our relationship even more. Had he refuse, I would've bounced.
Still together after 9 years and now that his boys are grown, they can finally speak to him without the blockade (its tough for both him and his kids but its really nice seeing them rebuild). Despite the age difference because of similar life experience (apart from biological kids, we're both the eldest child with single parents who put FAR TOO MUCH responsibility on our heads with no support... his mum was WAAAAY more abusive though), mentally, I felt like a similar age. Still do and we're still happily married.
🤢 Your hubby likes young girls
i personally have never been in any age gap relationship but i find this video extremely informative and it makes an incredibly good point. 💙
Whenever I see you posted a new video I excitedly get the ice cream and have some selfcare time while watching you. Your takes are always well-researched and incredibly empathetic. Thank you for the great content! ❤
I absolutely love the way you structure your videos-lots of video essayists tend to talk about a topic for a while and then end the video with little to no conclusion, and while that isn’t a bad thing, I really appreciate how you provide ideas on how to solve the problem as well as just talking about it 💜
It's interesting to learn more about the science of brain development. I think I'd sorta believed that 25 was the cut off point. But in reality I swear I know 18 year olds who are more intelligent and mature than a lot of 50 year olds. So it makes sense that it's a lot more complicated
So ironically my parents have a huge age gap of 16 years. My dad is the younger partner. My dad is also the predator. My mom was a single mother, freshly divorced from an abusive husband and fighting to keep her daughter away from him in court when my dad met her. He lied about his age (not enough to close the age gap but enough to make it less concerning) and preyed on my mom when she was in such a weak state. Lying about his age was just the first step of 7 years of abuse.
This is obviously an extreme example though and far from the norm, but sociopaths come in all ages and people should be wary of predators, period.
🖤❤️ honestly, I think what you’re doing is the best answer: spreading awareness
This pattern goes back far too long unfortunately in human history, I think, to have articulated, practical, and grounded ways forward to prevent predators from preying on younger and naive people (specifically; as you covered there were people who had healthy age-gaped relationships)
I (28/f) was one of your respondents. I completed overlooked the fact that I didn’t have good relationships to look up to and mold mine over while I was growing up. My dad died when I was young and my mom remarried an abusive man. I often think how my view on relationships and boundaries would have been different had I been taught differently growing up.
So I think that you are doing exactly the right thing, by spreading awareness and creating these thought experiments for the younger folks to mull over
Thanks for covering such dark topics, please rest in whatever ways you need as you certainly don’t owe us anything
As always, your makeup is a LOOK! 🎉 you’re killing it!
I'm going to share a positive example to mix things up a little. My father met his second wife when he was 39 and she was 23, so it was a 16 year age gap. (I was 13 at the time.) Here's where a shared world view and values play a HUGE part, which was also mentioned in the video. Their relationship flourished because of this, and now 21 years later they have two kids and are still happily married. Because they wanted the same things and kept working towards the same goals. I honestly think those are the only circumstances where age gap relationships can work.
That being said, I don't defend age gap relationships and my own have always ended badly. But my father's example has made me reflect a lot on the importance of shared goals/values.
🤢🤢🤢
💚 My mom was widowed at 52. I was supportive of her dating again, but I didn't want a stepdad who could be my brother. I did want a stepdad with kids, any age, really because I was an only child, and as an adult, I could choose how close I would be with step-siblings. She is now 65, and she could date someone 9 years older than me, at the minimum, and I would be ok with that. There is no upper limit mathematically for how old she could date, as long as she was happy. I'd even support her dating a woman. I'm iffy on her getting married again, and I'd need to get to know them to feel comfortable supporting them, regardless of age. I don't like the burden of being her closest kin, all alone. I am hopeful that some positive changes in her life will help her overall in successfully living independently. I love MY siblings-in-law, but I still have room in my heart for step-siblings, official or unofficial.
Age gaps really are individualized to a point in my opinion. I like to ask myself a few questions.
1. How did they meet? Was it organic in an appropriate place (ie not one of them being in a place of power when they met) Did they meet and immediately start a relationship or did the relationship grow organically?
2. How does the older person use their age in the relationship? Is the older partner patronizing? Is the older partner constantly bringing up the younger ones age to put them down? Do they treat them like a child?
3. Is this a pattern for the older person? Do they constantly only date freshly 18 year olds? Do they ONLY date people who are much younger than them and then dump them when they get older.
4. Are they both in similar life places. Like someone who just graduated high school 1 month ago is in a different place than someone who has been out of college for a few years.
I always pause at age gaps but I don’t think they are always completely bad. I think also age gaps between 25+ are different for me than under 25, I dated a 25 year old when I was freshly 18 and thinking back on that relationship it was ICKY.
When he introduced me to his friends they looked at him disgusted. He was a whole adult and I hadn’t even started my first year of college. But now that I’m closer to 25, and have a career it wouldn’t creep me out if I dated a 32 year old which is the same age gap it’s just different
I think it’s really admirable that you created such an intricate survey and took the time to read over our responses despite the difficult content within! Thank you for addressing this topic so well! :)
Personally, the age gap relationships I have the largest problem with is when someone who KNEW YOU AS A CHILD pursues you once you are of legal age. I do agree that once you’re over the age of 25, it is less of an issue but I will still always have a tendency to judge negatively until I am proven wrong about and older person pursuing a younger one. Having personally been preyed upon by older men frequently as a teenage girl, I am ALWAYS scared for young men and women and will be scrutinizing of them until they prove to be different. I think the healthy age gap relationships are the outliers rather the norm unfortunately.
"healthy age gap relationships" are complete and utter nonsense and acting like they can only be a problem if the older person knew the younger person as a child shows that you have double standards stop acting like it somehow doesn't become a problem once people turn 25
@@fatimahanwaar306 Reread my post please. I am highly critical of age gap relationships and did not claim that it is not an issue once someone turns 25. I said it is less of an issue as a 25 year old is frequently more mentally developed than an 18 year old and more capable of making strong, rational judgements about their relationships. If you reread my comment, I said the “largest problem with”, which inherently implies that the grooming and accessibility to a minor at such a young age is highly problematic, nowhere did I claim that other age gap relationships are not also problematic. For me, it is just so insidious that a trusted adult as a child could have ulterior motives towards a minor. Once you are more mature and developed at the age of 25, it does not mean that you are incapable of being taken advantage of, but it does mean that you are a fully grown adult who can make their own decisions and are no longer a “barely legal” teenage child who has been groomed since childhood. I literally said that “healthy age gap relationships” are the outlier and am I always skeptical until I can witness a lack of abuse/unhealthy power dynamics/unhealthy money leverage etc. I really am confused by your comment as I think you have misunderstood/misread my original comment.
I am sorry that I have upset you with my point of view, but I assure you that my perspective towards age gap relationships is hardly a positive one and I am a definite skeptic. I have witnessed a few healthy age gap couples and it would be unfair to ignore them to make all-encompassing and over-generalizations such as “all age gap relationships are bad”. My sister is in a healthy age gap relationship for one and I fully support her. She is definitely one of the few outliers I have witnessed.
@@prynne9812 "healthy age gap couples" are nothing more than a fairy-tale type fantasy claiming that you have "witnessed" a few as an excuse to pretend like "not all age gaps are bad" (apply the same logic towards pedophilia) proves my point that you're being delusional being "mentally developed" doesn't make age gap relationships "safer" in any way if you think it's "insidious" that a trusted adult as a child could have "ulterior motives" towards a minor while you act like "healthy" age gap relationships can exist you're proving my point that either you have double standards or you're just very delusional age gap relationships will always have power dynamics money leverage etc. (nothing is healthy about either of them) regardless of how old the couples are brushing off the criticism against age gap relationships as "all-encompassing and over generalizations" that it's "unfair to ignore them" as such and using the excuse of "my sister is in a healthy age gap relationship and I fully support her" proves my point that you're delusional and trying too hard to sound open minded viewing age gap relationships in a blindingly positive light it doesn't make it a logical argument in any way
I dated a 46 year old when I was 27 and that was a bad situation. I was completely used and then ghosted after 5 months together. He never admitted that he was married the whole time or apologized for anything. It was a big lesson in red flags. Now happily married and 33, I can't imagine dating a 27 year old!
as someone who turned 18 last year and is still in high school, I still don’t feel like an adult and dating someone in college would be weird
for me it’s about the experience, how can you build a relationship without any similar experiences
my classmate is dating someone so much older and we all wonder what he talks to her about “how is school, what about that math exam?” and what is she gonna ask back? about taxes?
so my problem is experience imbalance mostly
@ARDENT-CADAVER yeah, as i said i still feel like a kid even though legally i am an adult
that is my problem with huge age gap relationships when one of these people are in high school, you don't change much from 17 turning 18 and it takes much more maturing than that, just because it's legal doesn't make it not weird
Is a 22 year old dating an 18/19 year old fine if both are in college? Like 18 and 22 is a bit weird if the 18 year old is still in high school but is it still bad if the 18 year old is in college too? I am 22 in last year of college and I like a girl in my college who is in 1st year and she is 19 so we are only 3 years apart and I wanna ask her out.
i don't want to talk into your relationship, i'm talking about my own point of view
if she is into you and okay with you making advances that's cool
@@manosijroy8282 i've seen you repeat these questions in several places in this comment section. please don't spam vague comments looking for dating advice under unrelated threads. there are better places to ask and receive advice on your moral quandary.
@@manosijroy8282Oh please. Like which building you are taking lessons in matters. If you are both still emotionally schoolchildren who aren't prepared for real life, then I would suggest finishing your education and starting real life before dating. If you both have adult responsibilities and lives, and university is just building your careers rather than still figuring life out, then nothing remotely wrong with dating someone in THE EXACT SAME LIFE STAGE as you!
i empathize so much with the people who blame themselves
it’s not your fault they took advantage of you in the ways they did
you didn’t ask to be taken advantage of but i understand where it comes from and i know first hand how difficult it is to heal from and i know it feels like everythings falling apart when it happens but you’ll be okay on the other side because you’re so strong and amazing and capable of getting back up from this but i know it’s hard now and hard to see the other side when you’re struggling
i love you all so much and you’re so incredibly brave and strong
My partner is 34 and I am 22. He would probably be cancelled if we were online people. Lucky we are not. My ex partner was a more socially acceptable age gap and he abused the shit out of me. Me and my current partner have mutual respect for each other and are both aware of power dynamics. I have been through abuse in many ways. My current partner makes me happy.
I've had two main age gap relationships. The first was when I was 16, he was 22. No one saw an issue with it at the time. I realize how gross he was now. The second one was when I was 27 and he was 36. He was hesitant, but I pursued him. That was a good age gap relationship.
So if the woman pursues the guy age gaps are fine, but if the guy does he's gross? Why do you feel the need to rubbish a relationship no one had a problem with at the time just because it's unpopular now?
@@cmm5542 that's a weird take away. If you wanted to know what the difference was, you could've just asked. But you weren't interested in the actual answer, you were only interested in furthering your own agenda.
💜 I'm honestly surprised at some of the survey responses. I filled out the survey myself talking about my positive age gap relationship, but I can absolutely understand why people can be so negative towards the idea.
I discussed this video with my partner (we began the relationship when I was just shy of 23 and he was freshly 30; I am now 24) and talked a lot about our gap, and how it feels and our objective similarities and differences. I find that in our case, our life experiences are extremely similar even if they're almost a decade apart. I was in an abusive family for 10 years as a teenager, and he was in an abusive relationship for 10 years as a young adult. I spent most of my decade of abuse raising myself in a neglectful household while he spent his 10 years being stifled, controlled, afraid, and hopeless. By the time we met, I had my bachelor's degree entering my career, and he had been working a steady working class job for 7 years. I was even being paid the same rate as he was.
I think emotionally and socially, we are at a similar place. I acquired a lot of independence both mentally and life-wise early on, while he essentially had his life paused and taken over. Amusingly, while he was enthusiastic about sexology and healthy intimacy just like I was, I still seem to know more than him, having educated myself for years as a teen, just to show another level of capability for a young person; I don't want to reduce all young adults to clueless naïveté when I felt people unfairly did that to me.
After a long talk, we decided that, yes, we are okay, and we feel at very equal places with each other. Having been taken advantage of by multiple men in the past as a teenager (all older than me), this is a breath of god damn fresh air and I feel like I have ironically found someone for the long haul. We share ideals, morals, passions, and most importantly, empathy and a desire to heal and love.
This is just my example of what I've experienced with my current partner. I love him to death, and I feel like I'm finally safe, and both of us are learning so much about ourselves in the process. The bond feels stronger and yet softer every day as we work through our obstacles and trauma. As a new subscriber, thanks so much for your survey work and covering many aspects of this stuff. It's definitely a societal problem worthy of an initial side-eye, but sometimes it really does seem to work out, and my heart goes out to those who experienced so much worse than I did with older partners.
I was 18, looking at 16-year-olds going "Ew, no." I cannot IMAGINE dating anyone who has 'teen' in their age, and I'm only in my early twenties.
Also, the people going to Billie Eilish going "Your audience is young." B!TCH, SHE WAS YOUNG. SHE *IS* YOUNG, TF???
Because you grow so much between 16 and 18 but by the time you get to 25 the two year age gap had closed up.
In my 40s I was no longer averse to seeing singers younger than me on stage.
Reminds me of when I had just turned 18 and was in college and at Waffle House with a bunch of college friends. There was a girl there who I didn’t know but she knew my other friends, apparently, and I was a bit flirty with her assuming she must also go to my college, but my best friend at the time was like “dude, you know she’s 14, right?” And internally I was absolutely screaming. I’m glad he told me before I went beyond mild flirtiness because I wouldn’t have even thought to check how old she was and I SUPER didn’t want to get involved with a 14yo beyond being a mentor, even having JUST reached the age of majority.
Looking at the comments all talking about their previous experiences in abusive age gap relationships is telling. I also was in a couple of abusive age gap relationships. I'm also aware of other creepy age gap relationships right now going on around me.
Specifically, a 20 yr old who's dating a guy in his 40s-50s. Went to the zoo with her and him with my husband and another friend. That guy walked ahead of us and didn't talk to us the whole time. Treated us like we were kids he was chaperoning. I'm 28, husband is 29. It was weird. Creepy. Not to mention the moment 20 yr old said "I'm baby" and he slapped her ass and said "and I'm an old man." Yeah. That was triggering and disgusting
I'm so glad you brought up the equation, and doing it yourself out of curiosity. Mine is 21. I don't think so bud, we're in completely different places in life lmao
I didn’t realize that so many young people fell for it, being in a relationship with someone significantly older while being in their teens.
I’ve been WAITING for a video like this! Watching now! I’m so excited!
Thank you for this nuanced take! For me personally, as long as both people are 21 or older, theoretically, they can have a healthy, loving, and equal relationship. Sure, if there's a bigger age gap, the older one has more life experience, which is something they should be aware of, and be careful about it. However, the younger one could have some more dynamic experiences, higher career achievements, higher education, higher level of self-confidence and even a higher level of authonomy. Ideally, partners should be absolutely equal in everything, but that's highly improbable. No matter how much we try to get there, someone will be a bit older, a bit wiser, a bit richer, a bit more educated, and have some experiences that would give them some more advantages in some areas. We can't police other people's intimate life, as it's not much different than what happened in the 19th century. Different categories of policing, but it could be equally controlling and limiting in a way. However, the *important thing* is that they treat each other as *equals* , regardless of age or other differences. That there's no controlling behavior from the older partner, no condescending behavior, no other red flags. That the younger partner still is an independent adult with their own mind and own decisions.
And the thing is, if we are criticizing a relationship *purely* for the age gap, we can't do that without somewhat infantilizing the younger person. And if a 21-year-old is an independent adult, who is able to run for lower offices, get a full time job, enlist in the army, own properties, and serve life sentence if committing a proportionate crime, then they are certainly old enough to pick their partner. And it's a yin and yang scenario. If you are judging the older person, it's because you think that the younger one isn't old enough / mature enough to fully make their decision without being coerced. If we acknowledge the younger person as an independent adult, we can't judge the older person. We can't have it both ways.
Note: I was saying this *if* your *only* issue with the relationship is the age gap. In many cases, age gap is just a convenient vessel of making other toxic behavior more easy. In such cases, it obviously is possible to call out the older person without infantilizing the younger one. If the older person was their high-school teacher, or a family friend when they were kids. If the older person is deliberately dating consisently only people in their early 20s as a specific pattern. If the younger person was in a specifically vulnerable and dependent position when entering a relationship, and the older person knew about it, and took advantage of it. In such cases, yes, any age gap, especially the bigger one, and especially if the younger one is in their early 20s, can be a good vessel for the abuse of power, and should always be called out, and stopped.
Example: A 23-year-old taxi driver dating a 45-year-old baker they just met in a bar will get no raised eyebrow from me, if I see them respecting each other and treating each other as equals. Age gap by itself wouldn't be a deal-breaker. It would be another challenge on some level, but for them, and only them, to work through it as two adults. On the other hand, a 23-year-old college student dating their 45-year-old professor who knew them since they were a teenager will be a huge red flag in my eyes, and a sign of a very inappropriate relationship. A 23-year-old who is raised in a bubble, and acts younger than their age, with a 45-year-old who is fully aware of that is also a red flag! But please, let's be informed about the individual cases before being judgmental!
Also, what I said applies to people who are 21+, while I'm still putting a huge asterix over those who are 18 and 19. That is purely a me thing based on my own life experiences. I see 18-19 as a very different category to 21+, as the former ones can still be in high-school and are literal teenagers. This small age gap is still the crucial one based on my own experiences, and I'd never even consider dating or even flirting with someone who's not even 21, nor someone whom I've had interacted with in a meaningful way before they were at least 21.
I am 22 and went on a date with a 19 year old girl last Saturday but our age gap is only 3 years and it was first date for both of us. We are both students tho. She is in 2nd year of college and I just graduated college in last week of July but I will be studying MBA next so I will still be a student for 2 more years. We just ate in Mcdonalds and then we hugged, took pics and I pinched her cheeks as she is cute.
Hiya! I really enjoyed this vid, and I was the one who said Goose Boose 😭😭😭 (tbh I've only really heard of his partner in passing in some vids), and the bit about the 25 brain stuff! You were very sensitive and inclusive of all answers with the topic and I greatly congratulate you for that! I'm glad that there's some positive AGR rep here too-it's super emotionally draining to see objective negative perceptions of it all the time. Your opinions and life experiences are understandable, and I respect and understand your opinions. Will be sharing to my friends!
2:46 from what I’ve heard a long time ago, yes the MAJOR development stops somewhere in the 20s but the brain is always developing. From what I’ve heard more recently it’s a lot more complicated. Either way you’re always changing and evolving.
the first couple I thought off where an age gap seems to work pretty well AND where the woman is older, is Hugh Jackman and Deborra Lee Furness. Their age gap is 13 years and they are still married (for 26 years now) I remember being shook and majorly impressed when I saw her accompany him to the Oscars years ago and I learned that she was older then him AND so supportive. Imo that is what a healthy relationship looks like no matter the age. A negative example however would be Madonna, I think she made it painfully obvious that she only saw her younger men as a "boytoy" and even if their career maybe profited of the relationship, I always felt uncomfortable seeing her with a 20 years younger arm candy. And if I remember correctly, she was bashed a lot for it and that kind of makes me mad still. Because it somehow is ok for and old geezer like Hef to surround himself with girls that could easily be his grand or even great grand daughters and to marry them (may he rest in peace, still that was not ok) but a woman gets hated on for behave similarly.
Conscientious around power dynamics in all relationships is important. ❤
being the same age is also important
I don’t think I can watch this video because it may trigger me but thank you so much for speaking up about this. it’s really important to stress the dangers of this sort of thing and i appreciate you talking about it
my mom is 8 years older than my dad...I have never known or seen a more loving, gentle and supportive relationship...I don't know if the "age gap" makes a difference to them, but everyone around them including me and my siblings have wished for what they have. I read a lot about predatory behavior, things not working or the imbalance of the power dynamics...I think it's important to recognize the difference, looking or dating someone specifically for their age (having a type and the type is someone younger or older) is creepy but when two adults fall in love, not cause of the age but inspite of it, it may just be a relationship that works for them.
I've personally seen both extremes in the age gap. I've had two long-term relationships before with almost a 10 year gap.
One of them was a controlling borderline abusive creep who clearly was interested in me because I was easy to manage.
The other one was a good person who I just happen to click it off with. We broke up because we didn't have long-term potential. I am still very good friends with this person.
Such a complex and nuanced topic. I have very strong opinions about men 30+ wanting to be with teenage and early twenties girls and this comes from a place of an abusive father who was always after much younger women.
At the same time I've mostly had relationships with younger men - who mostly had more life experiences and responsibilities, such as kids, than me, but I think that is partly because as much as I was adultified at a very young age, I was also _emotionally_ stunted in so many ways that older men were always very intimidating to me.
I could literally write an essay on this topic, as well as the 'ooh she's legal at 18' (🤮🤮🤮) argument, but I will spare you my ramblings. TFS 😊
I think when it comes to your suggestion of a "five-year" rule for people under 25, I think it should be a social norm but not a law. When I was 20, I dated someone for a while who was 25 and turned 26 before I turned 21, so that would technically be out of bounds, but there weren't any abuse or power issues in the relationship. I do think that a general skepticism around age gaps is healthy, but a law would probably cause issues for people who aren't doing anything wrong, so this falls into the realm of providing education and resources to people so that they can be informed before going into a relationship like that and can get out of those relationships if they turn bad.
💙
I am a 25 year old woman. My partner is 40. Yet, our relationship is the healthiest relationship either one of us have ever been in. I think it's not the age itself that matters, provided things are legal, but it's what comes with age. He and I complement each others' emotional pallete quite well, and balance out more opposite traits perfectly. But our beliefs and core values are the same, and we have a lot in common in terms of interests and hobbies. Our age has never been a factor in our attraction to each other (we're both on the asexual spectrum anyway) and it's never been brought up by either one of us when asked what we love about our partner. We met as adults, grew close as adults, and have a very healthy and balanced relationship. I appreciate your nuanced discussion of this topic.
My aunt and uncle are fifteen years apart and she advised me not to follow suit. He slowed down way before her in many ways and she seems very unhappy in general. It didn't seem like exploitation in thier case but as an autistic (late dx) woman, I wouldn't put myself in a position like that because I understand that I'm vulnerable.
My partner and I are in a healthy, happy, and respectful union of nearly 2 years. He pursued me for over a year and I was dismissive for a while, however, kind, because I was/am many (14) years his senior and thought he simply had a crush. A year in, he wrote me a deep letter, we had a serious discussion about values, boundaries, expectations, etc., and decided to embark on our relationship journey. Fast forward to present day, we are thriving and I'm so happy I decided to give love a chance, despite the age gap. It is my high hope that all of you out there find a loving, supportive partner who respects you and that you both can grow together towards a beautiful future. Much love from New York 🗽
When I was 13-15 I had men 19-28 trying to get with me I can't even begin to understand how they thought that was okay
disgusting.
I am in an 11 years age gap relationship. When we got together I was 19 years old and next year it will be 10 years. Back then, I was the one who initiated it and he rejected me the first time. It took more than half a year until he could admit to himself that he also had feelings for me.
In my opinion every relationship can get toxic if one partner is toxic themself. My partner supported me and helped me grow as a person the same way I could help him grow. Even though it has been 10 years we still feel fresh in love. Of course, it's not always sun and sparkles and stars but that's the same with "same age relationships". Communication is key. Respect is key. And loving and caring for each other is key.
I feel like no matter what, teenagers are always going to want to date the older guys that are giving them attention because they're going to (most likely wrongfully) assume that they are different than the guys in their age group. They're also going to assume that they are more mature than everyone around them, that they are emotionally intelligent enough to handle any kind of relationship, and that (because the world expects them to be autonomous) all independent decisions they make are the right ones. All this to say, I really don't think we should give them any leeway and making this decision for themselves. I was too blind to foresee and so were many people in the comments...
After a really hard breakup, I started dating a guy who was 10 years older than me. Within a few months, we were spending almost all our time together. Within 6 months he proposed. Part of me knew it wasn't right but we were in love and were already talking about starting a family. I got out 3 and a half years later and had to spend 6 months living with my brother after the divorce because I had forgotten how to take care of myself.
I am 20, dating a 30 year old and it’s been going really well so far. We both seem more like we‘re 25 and people don’t even notice the age difference. We are on a pretty similar level of maturity and have the same goals in life.
You'll learn the hard way
@@Bsskhwvshu are not in the position to judge.
really feeling when you said that recognizing you were groomed/taken advantage of kind of crumbles your world. thank you for saying that, i hadn't realized that's what i felt and suddenly i'm making more sense of everything. still got work to do i guess. sending love and understanding your way.
I think, part of why younger people (I am 27 now) are prone to be suuuper defensive about large age gaps is how... idealized the whole mess is.
Personally, I had an extremely bad experience so I heavily side eye age gaps in general when it comes to real life (I love fantasy, and things get weird there).
But I also know a couple with an age gap (she was early 20s with a son when she met him, already in his 40s), and they seem quite healthy and happy...
I think you absolutely nailed it with the lived experience similiarities, and honestly I wish the 5 year age gap thing was a rule because, would it catch some healthy relationships? Yeah, but they can just wait.
It would MASSIVELY help protect a LOT of people & yeah, it is extremely sad how parents can still sell of their children into marriages even in so-called 'first world countries'
Is 19 and 22 fine for dating if both are in college? I am 22 in last year of college and like a girl in my college who is in 1st year and she is 19 so we are only 3 years apart.
@@manosijroy8282I guess that's fine as long as you don't put certain expectations on each other. Some people mature earlier than others (and I mean mentally, not physically). But being in the same life stage and having a similar set of experiences is an important factor.
@@manosijroy8282 You keep asking everyone this in a bunch of comments. If you think it's sus enough that you need outsiders to tell you it's okay, maybe you already know it's not okay, my dude.
I think in the case of younger women, there are face value advantages to dating older guys that make people who warn against it seem like nags. A 20-year-old woman will look at guys her age in the dating pool, and see a bunch of broke guys, who still play video games, and haven’t really learned how to talk to women yet. But men much older than that will have fewer of those issues and make the younger girl feel more adult/mature by proximity. Years later, that 20 year old becomes a 40 year old, and begin to see anyone still in college as basically a baby, changing the visceral reaction to the idea a May/December romance
@@TheJadedJamesmen in their 40s can also be extremely immature and abusive.
When I was 12 y/o a 16 y/o guy who lived nearby started asking me out. We lived in a very small rural town and were both outsiders who liked animals, reading etc, and I guess he became infatuated with me. Our “dating” consisted of going on walks in nature and just talking (I looked and seemed “mature for my age”). While nothing ever “happened” I was always weary and embarrassed of the situation and never told my (few) friends about this. I guess I went along with it because I felt a mixture of flattery and obligation. It went on for two years until I “ended it” when I was 14 and he asked if I wanted to go to the cinema. I don’t blame myself and I don’t even blame him: he was a lonely oddball who definitely should have known better but was ultimately no bad guy. I blame my parents who knew about this: my father who never asked questions or interfered and my mother who openly and actively endorsed it and bragged about that I “had a boyfriend” which she obviously thought was a flex. This woman (who I no longer have contact with) has a college degree, an upper middle class lifestyle, and works in what we might call the “social activism field”. When we travelled abroad for vacation she routinely joked about how men thought I was beautiful and how I should get an exotic boyfriend that I could have as a pen pal. It happened both in India when I was 11 with a 22 y/o man who probably thought I was closer to 16 due to my looks, and in Egypt with several young men when I was 11. Not sure how it rings on the SA-scale but as a 29-year old woman now longing for my own children it absolutely disgusts me to my core.
I'm in a large age gap relationship (24 years). I was 27 when we got together and married when I was almost 28. I've never grown so much in my life as I did since I've met my husband. He's supported me through all of it emotionally. Now I have my own company, have learned another language, got a drivers licence and car, paid off my student dept (on my own!) and building a future. When we got together it was super important to me that we're clear on our goals. I wanted children and we agreed to try. It didn't work out. But I have a great relationship with his children and rest of the family. Travel and self improvement was also super important to me. And we've done both of those and are still doing that. Still I don't think this is a free for all for anyone. It was a very specific situation and as I've seen abusive relationships, it was super clear to me that at no point should I be reliant on him. We've had separate bank accounts from the beginning. I knew places I could go if it didn't work out between us. I had full confidence in my ability to find a new job and build up my life elsewhere (have a degree and work experience and some saved). Otherwise I wouldn't have done it. For him this was the first relationship with such a large age gap (others were 2 - 4 years) and the one before ours, he was with a woman who was older than him. He had been in a committed relationship for 30+ years and afterwards in a relationsip for 4+ years. I was not the rebound girl. I worry how my life will be after he's passed on, which he most likely will before me. But I'm not worried in my abillity to make it on my own, just emotionally about losing him and being lonely
Thank you for shining light on just how nuanced this topic is
In terms of queer relationships, I think there can be a lot of added nuance and factors that create different dynamics around age gaps and maturity. (get ready for a really long explanation)
The nature of being queer and coming out can be like a "second adolescence" for some people, and after coming out so many queer people go through an intense period of changing/figuring out who they are. For trans experiences, it can literally be like your life restarted/truly started after transitioning. Lots of queer people talk about having different life timelines+goals than traditional cishet norms (ie fall in love in your 20s, get married, settle down by your 30s), just from the nature of only finding out who you are later than this norm and already transgressing cishet expectations. Think about people who come out as adults, or after being in a straight married relationship for years, or even just later than a young teenager.
Many queer people just don't have comparable maturity/life/relationship experience timelines to cishet people. Maturity is multi-faceted and based on lots of factors, but cishet people can have very different experiences. For cishet people who grow up according to this "coming of age" timeline without doubt, they have already had their whole lives to process and come to terms with who they are, what a relationship might look like for them, and the reality of living as themself. Puberty is the exemplified process of realizing all of this, and by your 20s you have likely processed being cishet for your entire life. When someone realizes they are queer, they have to process and contextualize an entirely different reality, where all of these expectations are changed. Queer people too grow up in a cishet context and environment, and it can be really difficult&painful to not live up to these expectations.
For relationships, this means that there are many different factors and dynamics among queer people. Maturity and life stages can be entirely, drastically different and age can not have as much to do with someone's life experience and queer experience. Additionally, age and generational differences of queer people can carry different weight. Older queer people may have grown up in less affirming environments, and may feel negatively/differently about their identities. Younger people may be more comfortable in their identities. Not everyone fits these experiences, and everyone has a different journey.
When I was 25 I dated a guy who was 32, so 7 years older than me. As someone who has always felt like an old soul, I felt comfortable dating someone older, except that over time, he seemed very immature and that was what ultimately ended the relationship. Today, I honestly don't think I would date someone who was more than 5 years older or 5 years younger than me.
When I was 17 I had 3 men in their late 20s pursue me. I was “mature for my age,” but you can only be so mature at 17. Now that I’m at the age those men were, mentoring teens just a year younger than I was then, it demonstrates how stunted they were to even be able to hold a conversation with me. I don’t think all of those men were predatory, I think some were just genuinely immature and women their age didn’t want them for good reason. Which is a reflection, I think, of how we socialize boys and men as a society and what we expect from them in the realm of self responsibility and emotional intelligence.
First of all, I'm sorry it sounds like people were unkind to you in the survey, that's awful.
I think there's a lot of grey area about age gaps but I tend towards looking at them with a critical eye. I worked in high schools for a few years and if there's one thing that will make you instantly aware of how young teenagers are, it's spending all day with them. I would have every once in a while a student that would develop a crush on me, and I would always try to nip it in the bud because it made me super uncomfortable. I dated a man in his twenties when I was a high school senior and I don't think it was until I started spending time with teenagers that I realized how messed up it was.
I think that when you're a bit older that a gap can be fine, but I highly agree with you that the most important thing is that the people in the relationship are at similar stages of life and are on equal footing.
there's no "gray area" on age gap relationships and this excuse that "when you're older the age gap can be fine" shows how delusional you are stop trying too hard to be open minded
your cat purrs so loudly at the start of the video :)
She's tiny but has a set of lungs on her!
My parents have a three year age difference my mom is the oldest unfortunately there relationship was toxic my father constantly cheated on my mother and at times acted like a child throughout there entire relationship plus he's a drug addict my mother basically enabled him instead of forcing him to get help because of my parents relationship I have a fear of getting into a toxic relationship and repeating the whole cycle they are no longer together but are legally still married
Age really doesn’t mean you have power
This was heavy but needed tysm for this video
When I was 16, I was in a relationship with a 21 year old man. I was told my whole life I'm "mature" and he even asked my parents and they said yes (not forgiven them for that now). I broke up with him after 8 months. He was my first sexual experience, it hurt, I hated it and again was told by my mom that nobody likes it and that was normal. When I turned 21 the thought of being with a 16 year old was horrifying and gross. The friends of his that I thought hated me, I think now looking back were just creeped out by the age gap.
My hubby and I are 3 years apart. Now, in our 30s we are in the same phase, and we were when we met in our late 20's. If we'd been 18 and 21 when we met, we would've been far from the same phase. The younger you are, the small your phases and harder a gap would be, even a small gap of a couple years. It is a big reason why I don't think getting married young is a good idea, we change so much from 18 to 25 that it is a huge risk of being in what will become an unhappy marriage because we change over time and we can grow apart during that time when we define ourselves the most.
Idk I am 22 and in last year of college and I like a girl in my college who is 19 and in 1st year of college so we are also only 3 years apart but we still talk with each other as if we are peers and get along really well and have several things in common and we are both foodies too. I do wanna ask her out for a coffee date or maybe an ice cream date as she loves ice cream. 3 years age gap is fine after the younger one is 18+ and in college.
@@manosijroy8282 And there is nothing wrong with that. Just know at some point one of you will move past the college phase before the other. It isnt that couples can't survive that change, its just harder. But you should ask her out, you're 22 and have your whole life ahead of you it just coffee not a wedding proposal. Looking back as a woman in her 30s you should enjoy it & live in the moment, don't worry about phase changes because what will be will be & exploring your life changes with those around you is part of aging.
My husband is 6 years younger than me and I think it gets way more looks than if it was the other way around. We met when he was in his late twenties and I was in my early thirties. I think it works well, but sometimes we both forget about the gap and it's been hard for me to explain things from my (older) perspective