Ive been going through a break up the past few days and TH-cam kept reccommending your videos. At first I was invested in the 'how to get him back' stuff. It was fueling my hope that maybe it wasn't over. Then I got to your videos about self love and wanting more and now you've inspired me to give that hope to myself.
Oh boy. This helped me understand so much, I have definitely been the person who allowed a selfish person to walk all over me, because I had the desire to be loved and felt insecure that I couldn’t meet someone else.
Precisely. You're leveling up Matthew! Narcissists and abusers are in a symbiotic relationship with codependents, aka people that idealize others, look for others to be their saviours. Which btw is the definition for both! Only difference with a narcissist is they will then devalue you. If you value/love/trust yourself too (aka secure attachment type), you will not put up with abuse! I know from experience. I like how Matthew makes the concept understandable, relatable. Indeed, codependents want love to save them. We want it so bad we ignore bad signs. The solution: LISTEN TO YOURSELF, trust yourself. Care for yourself enough to listen. If you've been through the ringer tho, you'll lose your ability to discern what you're feeling. This is called emotional literacy. You have to grow that muscle again by identifying, WRITING, what you feel every day, and why! Then over you're aware must trust yourself. Take action. Reject reject reject! But always trust others too. Otherwise become avoidant type. You'll find it easier to trust when you learn how to reject. You'll see you have good options. Worked for me :) I'm single and happy! Waiting patiently while living my life to the fullest :) Best of luck all!
When you realize you are highly codependent... I grew with completely emotionally unavailable parents, so I'd look for that fulfillment in my partners, 100% emotional focus 100% of the time... It's a good realization, I need to learn to be there for myself ❤️
It’s a fine line, really. My parents were codependent for over 50 years! Now I can’t imagine being with the same man that long. You cannot lose yourself and your personality in the package. Some people are malicious and can destroy others. You never want that to happen. Love yourself first! Thanks for your amazing videos, Matthew! You’ve learned so much at a young age.
You have just perfectly described the Relationship between a person with an Avoidant Attachment Style and another person with an Anxious Attachment Style. :)
💯 Facts, I was addicted to this type of toxic codependency relationship and the person I was with was a narcissist so I was so crashed at the end of it all. Still healing but not easy.
You will heal, keep working on yourself and let go of all types of codependency. You were born to shine and your shine comes from within, not from extra al validation .. Validation is for parking not for people ♥️
There’s 3 types of dependency and the one you describe is the one where two healthy individuals come together to pursue a legacy where they commit to holding on to each other as long as they hold healthy and active communication, set boundaries, give each other space. Each of them has a life of their own being developed….. dependency comes in many ways and if your partner shows any sort of trauma response (fight or flight) or overreacts to situations… it’s not going to work. Except for the secure attachment, anxious will never be satisfied with what they receive from avoidant and vice-versa. So unless you are in a secure attachment relationship, there will always be some sort of unbalance in the relationship. One will be the one to resent the other for pushing their boundaries and still not confront them or the avoidant will constantly feel pressured by the anxious and issues will arise. These worked in the past because it was clear in the relationship that women were dependent on their husbands , but the world is changing. There’s plenty of Alfa women who will not have the avoidant because they don’t meet their standards and they won’t even think of dating an anxious because they are too independent. Attachment styles matter.
Very true 😊 thank you . I've been understanding these attachment styles and it has helped me understand my attachment style and previous exes attachment styles and it's clear as to why it didn't work out.
@Funky lundi You should never try and fix anyone’s trauma and you should NOT expect anyone to fix your trauma. Love is an illusion. Relationships work through commitment and communication and if you are a victim of trauma you probably lack these.
“Never regret anything that has happened in your life. It cannot be changed, undone,or forgotten. So take it as a lesson learned and move on.” “Sometimes things that hurt you the most teach you the greatest lessons of life.”
You can't imagine how much I needed this today. I've just ended a new relationship because I started falling for a guy who out of sudden stopped 'having time' for me. And I knew walking away is the only healthy response to it.. And it hurts now
The same situation happened to me. At first it was love bombing then im 'mad at him for spending time with his family' because I asked for a phone call after only getting 1 text in 2 days. It gets better. It hurts like hell, but just think all your energy that used to belong to him is now open for someone better to hold it
I'm currently hurting as well. I was dating someone and even though I know he wasn't the right person for me I kept moving too fast. Matthew is so on point on speaking my truth. I had eagerness to have and give love with the combination of scarcity mind set and not having enough confidence in myself to just have patience to meet someone who wants to be in a committed relationship with me too. I'm learning to embrace where I am at and keep a chin up.
You got it girl! You have just given yourself a favor for grabbing the chance to meet the right person for you than wasting your time on the person who might not be meant for you
Exactly. I think the word codependency is not a good definition for this matter. Humans come together to love, to be loved, and to feel needed by their partners. If we dont have that, obviously we will feel less desired and rejected. Both parties should be giving and, and within reasons, should sacrifice for the sakes of their loved one's happiness. That's the definition of 2 way real mature love! Problems occur when one person is selfish just want to take all without giving, or doesn't love their partner from the beginning to try. In turn, the other person is desperate to gain love from their partner by trying and sacrifice harder....but it just doesn't work. It's shouldn't be called codependency.
*”I really hope in 2022 you become THE best version of yourself. I hope it will be your best year ever"* If you are reading this, take it easy and have an amazing day!
Powerful. Those components listed were on point. This is exactly what caused me to hold on to something that just wasn’t right for me. But I’m happy I can now see clearly, I pulled back from the situation and at times I still feel guilty, I still wanna go back. But I’m happy I did what I did. My values should always matter.
That is so true!!! I did the virtual retreat at the end of last year and it was such a game changer, sorted myself out and met the love of my life in April. I still can not believe how blessed I am and I had never had such a great relationship and connection before. I highly recommend the virtual retreat, it is SOOO worth it!
I had never heard anyone put this issue into these 3 separate points like this. There is a lot of focus on the self-worth aspect, but the first two are just as important. I heard this and thought "oh, that's exactly right". Your thinking is truly profound and thorough Matthew, I truly believe you are one of the best coaches out there. Thanks so much for your work.
Yes yes we were both codependent on each other ! Stayed in last relationship too long - these are right on ! 1. Desire for love 2. Scarcity mindset 3. Self-worth Good video ! ❤
This sounds exactly like me a few years ago when it was at its worst, when I stayed for too long and came back to someone people who were bad to me due to these three reasons. Now, I'm a bit better. I say no to guys who don't give me the communication and compassion that I want. I'm not fully where I want to be with these three points mentioned in this video, and Ill continue to work on it. Take care!
When on one of your videos you said: " you have chosen the breakup" by your questions and not letting go to try to improve the relation!! You just wake me up to another level!!! Thank you very much!!!
"...dating advice was not gonna cut it when it came to the deeper reasons that we go down the wrong path in our love life" So true, all of it Have not heard these things more right Thank you Matthew
Oh god...hearing all this and realising this is exactly me (the one with scarcity mindset) and her (with the selfishness and never wanting to change or give a fuck) and I stayed in this for three years...finally had enough, and walked, because I am never enough for her but I can be someone elses world, and even if not, I am worth far more than this treatment, thank you Matthew! Helping me heal.
It's not always easy to heal codependent attachment styles, because our parents programmed it in us from a very young age! The root cause are core beliefs buried deep in your subconscious that you need to rewrite. It can take time and requires dedicated introspection if you really want to heal. I made a video on my channel about how to heal attachment styles in case anyone needs help on where to even begin! I hope it helps, because my life became SO much more peaceful when I did the work to become securely attached! I hope to spread that peace with others ❤️
I know Matthew's content is more for women. But he's genius to putting into words such a complex emotions and relationship dynamics. Simply put, Matthew, you're genius!
I feel like you just called my last relationship out! It's been a while since then, but it's good to take lessons from your past. I've been trying to do the work on myself so I'm ready for whatever my future holds and to get the best from it. Still sobering to realise how broken I was, but I'm so happy and grateful I'm no longer that person. Better late than never!
Low self esteem and having a narcissistic dad didn't help my situation. Struggling with self esteem had set me up several times in my life to having taken such bad behavior from my dad, it's like that's what I expected. Taking time to realize this and self reflect helped me to quit this cycle of erosion. It took 20 years but at least I did the self work. Co dependency is so horrible.
2 videos come up on my feed about co-dependency. Lol. Your situation is accurate. I have had problems with so depency and have tolerated it bc I didnt want the person to leave. (Child hood trauma of abodenment). I am working on myself to stop this cycle. Thanks for the video!
complete, separating independence healthy interdependence symbiotic codependence I see it as a spectrum; there's a dynamic balance to everything in life.
Amazing! I always say about you and your brother- you have a gift! You always give such clear succinct advice - if someone always wants what they want in a relationship and dirt if steamrolls over you, they are not going to survive with someone who won’t allow it and puts up clear boundaries. Thank you 🙏❤️
It’s very mergy. Brilliant “my sickness is enabling your sickness” and vice versa. I’ve seen many of your videos. This is the very best one, in my unsolicited opinion.
Hey Matthew, thanks this video. Every word is like a needle pricking my heart to the breakup I just had and I wouldn’t have left if he didn’t break up with me. 😭
I think our relationship has been codependency but now I’m leaving my wife of 25 years after intimacy died. I find imagining the future scary right now, but I know I’m brave so I move on with trepidation and some excitement. If you’re not getting your needs met and communication has failed, then it’s time to move on. If your relationship is damaging your own mental health then move on.
Hi Sir ... Thanks for your bringing up your advice with wisdom of words .Both difference is about identifying the pattern to a new one that makes us realise being in a right place , like the challenges once came up don't baffle anymore transforming us in a beautiful way and widening the perspective .Becoz often the partner when we choose reflect the vision of how we want to see ourselves and we don't have to speak "our loud"but it's about mind .it's about knowing how we speak to ourselves from the past to present ."As the person shift and grow it also take relationship to the next level ". Thanks Sir for Everything and many more big big ones to come .Care and regards 🤗💝
I noticed your WEDDING RING & had to go GOOGLE.....OMG! I'm so, so, happy for you....this video meant alot to me (the 3 things hit home). Yesterday I actually LIKED myself & asked myself a lot of questions (from watching your videos) of myself as to WHY? Did I put up with so much? Now I KNOW....Thank you,
I became completely dependent on my partner after I had the first sexual connection with her, I was addicted, needy, clingy, desperate, jealous, possessive from then on. And that is the reason she pulled away and finally left me. I lost my first love who was my first crush as well. I now finally realize that I have to work on myself very very hard. Thank you so much for the video. ❤
Here is the strength I had today as a struggling empath......I had a good, nice yet serious talk with my husband whom I've been separated with for a year.....I said 'can we just stop bringing up past things we did that hurt eachother, we each have said sorry...so let's FRICKEN stop with the attack and guilt tripping, let's try as friends move to encouraging eachother and focus on any issues as they rise, without the 'but you did this' .......I've overbeaten myself up internally for things that arnt even that bad and I'm sick of beating myself up. We both agreed as mates to stop this blame shit and just try feel better about ourselves. I'm proud I am honest, open, and can say sorry...that is good enough ! Amen🧚♀️Humans are bound to stuff up, does God and Jesus continually say 'but you did this, you did that?' No he doesn't, he hears us when we say sorry and forgives us and puts us back on our horse, if we are sorry , like genually sorry it should be left alone. Sorry not related to codependancy
Yep. And the worst type of toxic is a narcissist empath dynamic who don’t have many real world life skills. It’s like someone who has no boundaries, poor self esteem and people pleasing traumas vs. Someone who is manipulative, expects everything to be handed to them and easily confuses people with gaslighting and projecting. It’s like a match made in hell and the longer it goes on the worse it gets.
I came here because I thought codependency was a GOOD relationship. I am in a perfect relationship. We "click" at EVERTHING. We tell each other "I love codependency." I'll fess up to ...."It's new love." We've only been dating for two years. But we are not happy being separated. The minute we're separated, we start missing each other. So, I was thinking.... This has to be unhealthy... to always want to be together. After watching this clip and reading some of the comments..... I'm changing my mindset. I now think...... I'm one lucky guy. There's some really screwed relationships. Enjoy it and don't overthink it. I hope the folks out there in codependent relationships that aren't fun find a road to a happy relationship because it's GREAT.
Those type of ppl "selfish" as you call it. They just should be single and enjoy it. Not be in a romantic/committed relationship ... And maybe they will be ready at some other point in their lives to learn to share with someone else . It comes down to be honest with oneself in being who we are and "where" we are in our growth/or the road of our life Great work Mathew 🙌🕊 ☀️
You speak directly to me. Point blank. I am in a marriage thats abusive and all 3 points are a description of me. I am at the beginning of separation and I do want to have quite a lot of time alone to figure some shit out about myself and be on a path of self love. Thanks for your wisdom🙂
It’s a shame you missed a HUGE part of all this. Yes the 3 reasons these bad co-dependent situations keeps happening to people are true but you missed out WHERE they develop from which is reallllllllllly important in the process of coming out of the cycle. I know for me, literally discovered this the other day in therapy, that I keep ending up and putting up with bad behaviour in relationships etc. Because of the relationship I had with my parents and the main key adults around me growing up. The sad truth is, I didn’t have emotionally available adults around me who were able to freely and easily give me love or attention when I was a child, they had a lot of issues of their own they were trying to deal with and honestly they just didn’t have the ability or capacity to give me love consistently and freely as a child. So what happened was, I developed the HABIT of over giving to THEM, and I kept trying and trying and trying as a child to get love from them because well, subconsciously every kid from literally a baby, knows their survival depends on the love and thus care the adults around them can give, and as a kid we don’t have the option to just get up and leave or swap parents. So that’s how the keep trying and over giving and keep putting up with being treated badly becomes a habit and then later on effects adult relationships that I now have. The difference now however is, I’m an adult who doesn’t have to put up with all that. The way however to break the cycle is first processing the trauma or relationship you had with your parents, and then naturally the whole thing falls into place more easily. Self help doesn’t address the core issues because it’s too vague and doesn’t help you process the initial point of pain which is difficult and hard to heal from and also change from through patterns of behaviour
After 17 yrs my husband doesn't want to do this anymore, after 6-8 months of arguments, arguments I thought were normal with children hitting adulthood. Feel like I'm in mourning, day 15
Can you go into the "scarcity mindset" a bit more though, to help us get out of that mindset? I still go on dates with guys, think "he's perfectly nice, we had a nice time, but it still feels like something is missing," and THEN think "well, the something that's missing must be some beautiful but impossible quality that only 2 people on this planet have." If I have a certain vision in mind for how I'd like my relationship to be, and so far every relationship is falling short of that, how do I believe that my vision even exists/is possible/at all likely for me to find?
Are you talking about me?! Jk, lol. I'm not codependent. I need and want more love from my SP and I have my good reasons. I'm very blessed. My SP is always improving and learn my love language. I'm blessed and loved. May everyone receives the love, care, and respect you deserve. Know your worth.
Matthew, I could really use your perspective on a relationship I've been in for the last 10 months. My [21F] boyfriend [30M] of 10 months has broken up with me 5 times now. For background, he is a 30yo, previously married man with a 5yo daughter from that previous marriage. According to him, she was the only other woman he has ever been with other than me. His ex-wife was an immigrant and after spending 4-5yrs with her, but only being married for 7-8mos, he found that she had only married him (and had the child) to gain citizenship. He has little sexually/relationship experience despite his being extremely smart, good-looking, and socially adept. He was raised in a family that has a very particular set of values and he is a very serious man when approaching relationships. He only dates with the intention to marry and have a family. He has no friends, really. He doesn't frequent bars, clubs, parties, or social events whatsoever. The boundaries he set in the relationship was No social media, no traveling alone, No bars, clubs, BEACH, parties without him, no male friends. The first time he ended things was because I was in a vulnerable position because I had just lost my mom 3mos prior and my job. About three days later, he called me up again. He told me he could not shake this feeling and regretted his decision. The second time he broke up with me was when he went through my phone and had seen a conversation I had with my previous roommate/friend who was a male AND because he was under the impression, somehow, that I had invited another man in his place to go to a party my roommate was throwing. The conversation and relationship I had with this previous roommate/friend was completely platonic, there was no flirting. What had actually happened was that I casually mentioned to a coworker that I was going to a party and that my boyfriend would like be there over the weekend and informally invited him, like "oh maybe you should come." He told me his cousin was in for the weekend and didn't really seem interested in attending whatsoever, so honestly, I completely forgot all about. The third time he broke up with me it was because I made a sexual joke he felt was disrespectful, but instead of telling me that, without discussion, he blocks me on everything the next day. The fourth time he broke up with me was when I went to visit him for the holidays. We spent the week arguing because he said I brought up the past too much. He sent me a text stating it was over. I was crushed but I respected his decision despite the overwhelming feeling that he was making YET another mistake. Another 3wks pass, he goes through all the trouble of shipping my things to me to then CALL ME AND ASK TO PICK ME UP, MOVE IN WITH HIM AND GET BACK TOGETHER. When we got back together after this, his mother told me that during the 3wks we had been broken up he was calling me a wh*re, sl*t, saying I had done all these things which wasn't true. In his search history I found a search for "how to get over being in love with a sl*t" and many searches about covert narcissism, which he was also calling me. She also tells me that he is still legally married, although separated, which he had lied to me about, among other things... But, I still stay with him because he told me if he really thought these things he wouldnt have come to pick me up, he wouldnt still want to be with me, and he wouldnt have integrated me into his family. He told me he was struggling with the breakup and needed to convince himself of these things so he could move on from me. And now, what brings me to write this post, FIVE times he has broken up with me now. This time felt different, like he was going to stick it out with me this time and I do believe, unlike other times, that he did try his best. But I need your opinion on this. I had once again lost my job and it was around the one year anniversary of my mother's death, I had recently moved to a city in which I knew NO ONE, I was EXTREMELY depressed. I was crying for hours every single day for the previous 2wks. He was there for me. He was reassuring me. He was doing his best. But, I began to feel, because he was the ONLY person in my life (as I only really have one friend, was NOT allowed to have any male friends, and unable to make new female friends in this new city because he did NOT allow me to go out to bars, clubs, parties, the BEACH, etc without his presence in order to make these new friends). I felt I was becoming a burden to him, I could tell it was very draining on him, as it would be for anyone. I was using him as an emotional crutch because I had no one else. I was struggling. When I asked him if he was still in love with me, he paused for about 5-6 seconds and said "...I do care for you, but it's been difficult." Of course, given the state I was already in, completely lost it. So, I broke the agreement we had about no male friends, I contacted 2 females and 2 males because I NEEDED someone to talk to me. AGAIN, those who I contacted were completely appropriate and platonic relationships and conversations (I will try to attach the text conversations to this post). In an anxious frenzy, I took all of my clothes out of the drawers, threw them on the bed, changed my phone background, changed my phone password. And when I saw him hours later, he asked who I was speaking with when we were apart that day and I lied, deleted the messages. He asked me about 3 times and I lied each time. I ONLY LIED BC I KNEW HE WAS GOING TO REACT THIS WAY. I know it was wrong, but it came from pure intentions. How bad is what I did and is it unforgivable? From his point of view, he is trying so hard to be there for his woman who is pushing him away constantly and discovers she is now contacting 2 males (and 2 females) and lying about it. On top of that, she has changed her phone background and password, and taken her clothes out of the drawer. I begged him to understand my perspective, that I don't have a mother or any family to contact to listen to my problems, to lean on for support. I don't have but one friend, really, and I know no one in the city. I recently lost my job, the one year anniversary of my mother's death was recent, I am deeply depressed and reliving my past childhood traumas and carrying the guilt of the last thing I said to my mother, day after day. I felt I HAD to reach out to someone other than him because I felt I was destroying the relationship. I felt he would have been better off because I could not be the woman he needed me to be any longer because I couldn't even be that woman for myself. He wouldn't hear me. He told me is was unforgivable, I could not be trusted in the future because of my lying about being in contact with those people, that it was a "sl*tty" thing to do, that I was a "pathological liar" (even though this is the first time I've ever lied to him about anything in this relationship), he told me to "GET THE F*CK OUT," he told me not to touch him. I feel so heartbroken. Please HELP.
I was interested in a British guy. I'm American. He called me an idiot when he didn't agree with what I said and then he said, "You know I meant naive right?" Well, no. I don't know of any culture of English speaking people that don't think calling someone an idiot isn't wrong and abusive.
Hi matthew, could you talk about why some people feel bad when they see their ex with another partner? Is it because they still love them? Or is it an issue with themselves? What is it?
Mark 7:29 And he said unto her, For this saying go thy way; the devil is gone out of thy daughter. 1 Corinthians 11:13 Judge in yourselves: is it comely that a woman pray unto God uncovered?
I met a guy who is constantly asking detailed questions about my day. He wants to know EVERYTHING I am doing at the moment and it is making me feel so uncomfortable. We haven’t even met in person yet. I just asked him if he has trust issues or was ever cheated on and he said his ex wife cheated on him. I feel so suffocated by him and I just tried breaking it off with him and this video reveals a lot of how we are not the same. I left a 30 yr narcissistic marriage 4 years ago and RAN to therapy to get healed so I wouldn’t attract the same kind of person. He reminds me so much of my ex. I just wonder if Is this me or him? Please help guide me
Question about the virtual retreat: what time zone are we talking about for the virtual retreat? New York time? Cause I live in Switzerland and if I want to join I need to know how many hours of time difference we have :-). Also the actual hours of the retreat are not indicated on the website. So what time it starts on Friday? Kind of important if u have to take a day off work for that. Thanks in advance
Heyhey.. Thanks for your great work☺️... I know this is not your field.. But i brought a lot of friends of mine together and always the same thing happens.. They get really close and change and i get neglected... And i wanted to ask how can i communicate that this bothers me whithout them thinking that im jealous or just lonely?
Kind of off subject, but what do you think of the teachings of Corey Wayne the 3% man? Seems that mens coaches are teaching opposite things that women are taught…would really be interested in you doing a video on this…
How a surgeon often steps back and hands duty over to some else if it's their spouse/family that needs surgery Understanding how much damage can be done by accident purely because you are emotionally attached to the outcome
I 💯 agree with what you are saying. But I’ve heard you talk often about if you feel good about yourself then you will have more options. Not necessarily true!!! I’m a very confident single woman and yes when I go out I attract men, but nothing I want to date!! I’m in So Cal, I’m a conservative, God following, alpha woman. I’m in a town loaded with liberal snowflake beta boys. And to add to it, slim slim pickings on attractive men!!! So no options are not always out there, I feel like I’m looking for unicorns!!
Ive been going through a break up the past few days and TH-cam kept reccommending your videos. At first I was invested in the 'how to get him back' stuff. It was fueling my hope that maybe it wasn't over. Then I got to your videos about self love and wanting more and now you've inspired me to give that hope to myself.
thats the way. u go girl
Hang in there! You are doing great! It’s hard, but you got this!
YESSS Keep going! Self-love is key always.
Take it day by day girl. You will be fine the soonest ❤️
Same! ❤️ exactly the same. We got this.
“You give yourself the same treatment and compassion you would for anyone else.” This is still sooooo hard for me, but I’m trying.
Oh boy. This helped me understand so much, I have definitely been the person who allowed a selfish person to walk all over me, because I had the desire to be loved and felt insecure that I couldn’t meet someone else.
Yeah... Same here, but at least we learned our lessons. Stay safe!
1) Self worth
2) Scarcity
3) Desire for Love
Precisely. You're leveling up Matthew! Narcissists and abusers are in a symbiotic relationship with codependents, aka people that idealize others, look for others to be their saviours. Which btw is the definition for both! Only difference with a narcissist is they will then devalue you. If you value/love/trust yourself too (aka secure attachment type), you will not put up with abuse! I know from experience. I like how Matthew makes the concept understandable, relatable. Indeed, codependents want love to save them. We want it so bad we ignore bad signs. The solution: LISTEN TO YOURSELF, trust yourself. Care for yourself enough to listen. If you've been through the ringer tho, you'll lose your ability to discern what you're feeling. This is called emotional literacy. You have to grow that muscle again by identifying, WRITING, what you feel every day, and why! Then over you're aware must trust yourself. Take action. Reject reject reject! But always trust others too. Otherwise become avoidant type. You'll find it easier to trust when you learn how to reject. You'll see you have good options. Worked for me :) I'm single and happy! Waiting patiently while living my life to the fullest :) Best of luck all!
When you realize you are highly codependent...
I grew with completely emotionally unavailable parents, so I'd look for that fulfillment in my partners, 100% emotional focus 100% of the time...
It's a good realization, I need to learn to be there for myself ❤️
It’s a fine line, really. My parents were codependent for over 50 years! Now I can’t imagine being with the same man that long. You cannot lose yourself and your personality in the package. Some people are malicious and can destroy others. You never want that to happen. Love yourself first! Thanks for your amazing videos, Matthew! You’ve learned so much at a young age.
I can't think of anything better than getting a reply from you soon♥️♥️♥️🧢
You have just perfectly described the Relationship between a person with an Avoidant Attachment Style and another person with an Anxious Attachment Style. :)
I cried watching this. It's absolutely my situation, thank you for being so articulate in how you explain things ....it all makes so much sense! 🥺
Me too
💯 Facts, I was addicted to this type of toxic codependency relationship and the person I was with was a narcissist so I was so crashed at the end of it all. Still healing but not easy.
You are not alone.
Same
Same, it's pure hell
You will heal, keep working on yourself and let go of all types of codependency. You were born to shine and your shine comes from within, not from extra al validation .. Validation is for parking not for people ♥️
There’s 3 types of dependency and the one you describe is the one where two healthy individuals come together to pursue a legacy where they commit to holding on to each other as long as they hold healthy and active communication, set boundaries, give each other space. Each of them has a life of their own being developed….. dependency comes in many ways and if your partner shows any sort of trauma response (fight or flight) or overreacts to situations… it’s not going to work. Except for the secure attachment, anxious will never be satisfied with what they receive from avoidant and vice-versa. So unless you are in a secure attachment relationship, there will always be some sort of unbalance in the relationship. One will be the one to resent the other for pushing their boundaries and still not confront them or the avoidant will constantly feel pressured by the anxious and issues will arise.
These worked in the past because it was clear in the relationship that women were dependent on their husbands , but the world is changing. There’s plenty of Alfa women who will not have the avoidant because they don’t meet their standards and they won’t even think of dating an anxious because they are too independent. Attachment styles matter.
Very true 😊 thank you . I've been understanding these attachment styles and it has helped me understand my attachment style and previous exes attachment styles and it's clear as to why it didn't work out.
@Funky lundi You should never try and fix anyone’s trauma and you should NOT expect anyone to fix your trauma. Love is an illusion. Relationships work through commitment and communication and if you are a victim of trauma you probably lack these.
“Never regret anything that has happened in your life. It cannot be changed, undone,or forgotten. So take it as a lesson learned and move on.”
“Sometimes things that hurt you the most teach you the greatest lessons of life.”
You can't imagine how much I needed this today. I've just ended a new relationship because I started falling for a guy who out of sudden stopped 'having time' for me. And I knew walking away is the only healthy response to it.. And it hurts now
Damn I’m sorry but you did what’s best. You’ll get better
The same situation happened to me. At first it was love bombing then im 'mad at him for spending time with his family' because I asked for a phone call after only getting 1 text in 2 days. It gets better. It hurts like hell, but just think all your energy that used to belong to him is now open for someone better to hold it
I'm currently hurting as well. I was dating someone and even though I know he wasn't the right person for me I kept moving too fast. Matthew is so on point on speaking my truth. I had eagerness to have and give love with the combination of scarcity mind set and not having enough confidence in myself to just have patience to meet someone who wants to be in a committed relationship with me too. I'm learning to embrace where I am at and keep a chin up.
That's ok darling. I've been through the same. It'll get better. Trust me.
You got it girl! You have just given yourself a favor for grabbing the chance to meet the right person for you than wasting your time on the person who might not be meant for you
Amen. In a society that sees dependency as weakness - we’ve blurred the lines so much.
Exactly. I think the word codependency is not a good definition for this matter. Humans come together to love, to be loved, and to feel needed by their partners. If we dont have that, obviously we will feel less desired and rejected. Both parties should be giving and, and within reasons, should sacrifice for the sakes of their loved one's happiness. That's the definition of 2 way real mature love!
Problems occur when one person is selfish just want to take all without giving, or doesn't love their partner from the beginning to try. In turn, the other person is desperate to gain love from their partner by trying and sacrifice harder....but it just doesn't work. It's shouldn't be called codependency.
What's bad is when you really like someone but they're abusive and you can't except it and have to walk away. It's still grief.
*”I really hope in 2022 you become THE best version of yourself. I hope it will be your best year ever"* If you are reading this, take it easy and have an amazing day!
Powerful.
Those components listed were on point.
This is exactly what caused me to hold on to something that just wasn’t right for me.
But I’m happy I can now see clearly, I pulled back from the situation and at times I still feel guilty, I still wanna go back. But I’m happy I did what I did. My values should always matter.
That is so true!!! I did the virtual retreat at the end of last year and it was such a game changer, sorted myself out and met the love of my life in April. I still can not believe how blessed I am and I had never had such a great relationship and connection before. I highly recommend the virtual retreat, it is SOOO worth it!
I had never heard anyone put this issue into these 3 separate points like this. There is a lot of focus on the self-worth aspect, but the first two are just as important. I heard this and thought "oh, that's exactly right". Your thinking is truly profound and thorough Matthew, I truly believe you are one of the best coaches out there. Thanks so much for your work.
Yes yes we were both codependent on each other ! Stayed in last relationship too long - these are right on !
1. Desire for love
2. Scarcity mindset
3. Self-worth
Good video ! ❤
I am codependent and I have read A Lot on codependency and this video still gave me more ideas to help me work on myself. Thank you
I am proud of you for putting yourself first. I am rooting for your healing journey! I am with you as well.
This sounds exactly like me a few years ago when it was at its worst, when I stayed for too long and came back to someone people who were bad to me due to these three reasons. Now, I'm a bit better. I say no to guys who don't give me the communication and compassion that I want. I'm not fully where I want to be with these three points mentioned in this video, and Ill continue to work on it. Take care!
When on one of your videos you said: " you have chosen the breakup" by your questions and not letting go to try to improve the relation!! You just wake me up to another level!!! Thank you very much!!!
Hi I'm dave,do you mind me sending you a message I do love to talk to you
@@andersondave4411 why not 🙂😉
this is the best explanation of codependency I've found so far. I recently figured out I was codependent and this made so much sense to me.
"...dating advice was not gonna cut it when it came to the deeper reasons that we go down the wrong path in our love life"
So true, all of it
Have not heard these things more right
Thank you Matthew
Oh god...hearing all this and realising this is exactly me (the one with scarcity mindset) and her (with the selfishness and never wanting to change or give a fuck) and I stayed in this for three years...finally had enough, and walked, because I am never enough for her but I can be someone elses world, and even if not, I am worth far more than this treatment, thank you Matthew! Helping me heal.
Resonated with the fears of it ever happening again in absence of and due to prolonged periods of aloneness.
I appreciate that he specified monogamous and left the space for other things to exist :)
It's not always easy to heal codependent attachment styles, because our parents programmed it in us from a very young age! The root cause are core beliefs buried deep in your subconscious that you need to rewrite. It can take time and requires dedicated introspection if you really want to heal.
I made a video on my channel about how to heal attachment styles in case anyone needs help on where to even begin! I hope it helps, because my life became SO much more peaceful when I did the work to become securely attached! I hope to spread that peace with others ❤️
I know Matthew's content is more for women. But he's genius to putting into words such a complex emotions and relationship dynamics. Simply put, Matthew, you're genius!
I feel like you just called my last relationship out! It's been a while since then, but it's good to take lessons from your past. I've been trying to do the work on myself so I'm ready for whatever my future holds and to get the best from it. Still sobering to realise how broken I was, but I'm so happy and grateful I'm no longer that person. Better late than never!
Amen
Low self esteem and having a narcissistic dad didn't help my situation. Struggling with self esteem had set me up several times in my life to having taken such bad behavior from my dad, it's like that's what I expected. Taking time to realize this and self reflect helped me to quit this cycle of erosion. It took 20 years but at least I did the self work. Co dependency is so horrible.
My life at 24, can you share some tips that helped you?
I like the way Matthew explains things. He is unique in that way.
2 videos come up on my feed about co-dependency. Lol. Your situation is accurate. I have had problems with so depency and have tolerated it bc I didnt want the person to leave. (Child hood trauma of abodenment). I am working on myself to stop this cycle. Thanks for the video!
complete, separating independence healthy interdependence symbiotic codependence
I see it as a spectrum; there's a dynamic balance to everything in life.
Amazing! I always say about you and your brother- you have a gift! You always give such clear succinct advice - if someone always wants what they want in a relationship and dirt if steamrolls over you, they are not going to survive with someone who won’t allow it and puts up clear boundaries. Thank you 🙏❤️
It’s very mergy. Brilliant “my sickness is enabling your sickness” and vice versa. I’ve seen many of your videos. This is the very best one, in my unsolicited opinion.
If you don’t stand for something you’ll fall for anything. It’s not all about looks. Looks matter but so does personally and traits.
I hate this break up feeling more than anything else. My heart is aching and it's alot painful.
Matthew thank you for existing !
Oh my gracious.... so very well explained. I WANT to overcome this! I need to and it’s my life now....
1,000 % correct. Thank you for those words.
Matthew Hussey..you are the best gift of my life..
Hey Matthew, thanks this video. Every word is like a needle pricking my heart to the breakup I just had and I wouldn’t have left if he didn’t break up with me. 😭
I think our relationship has been codependency but now I’m leaving my wife of 25 years after intimacy died.
I find imagining the future scary right now, but I know I’m brave so I move on with trepidation and some excitement.
If you’re not getting your needs met and communication has failed, then it’s time to move on.
If your relationship is damaging your own mental health then move on.
Hi Sir ... Thanks for your bringing up your advice with wisdom of words .Both difference is about identifying the pattern to a new one that makes us realise being in a right place , like the challenges once came up don't baffle anymore transforming us in a beautiful way and widening the perspective .Becoz often the partner when we choose reflect the vision of how we want to see ourselves and we don't have to speak "our loud"but it's about mind .it's about knowing how we speak to ourselves from the past to present ."As the person shift and grow it also take relationship to the next level ". Thanks Sir for Everything and many more big big ones to come .Care and regards 🤗💝
I noticed your WEDDING RING & had to go GOOGLE.....OMG! I'm so, so, happy for you....this video meant alot to me (the 3 things hit home). Yesterday I actually LIKED myself & asked myself a lot of questions (from watching your videos) of myself as to WHY? Did I put up with so much? Now I KNOW....Thank you,
I became completely dependent on my partner after I had the first sexual connection with her, I was addicted, needy, clingy, desperate, jealous, possessive from then on. And that is the reason she pulled away and finally left me. I lost my first love who was my first crush as well.
I now finally realize that I have to work on myself very very hard. Thank you so much for the video. ❤
Here is the strength I had today as a struggling empath......I had a good, nice yet serious talk with my husband whom I've been separated with for a year.....I said 'can we just stop bringing up past things we did that hurt eachother, we each have said sorry...so let's FRICKEN stop with the attack and guilt tripping, let's try as friends move to encouraging eachother and focus on any issues as they rise, without the 'but you did this' .......I've overbeaten myself up internally for things that arnt even that bad and I'm sick of beating myself up. We both agreed as mates to stop this blame shit and just try feel better about ourselves. I'm proud I am honest, open, and can say sorry...that is good enough !
Amen🧚♀️Humans are bound to stuff up, does God and Jesus continually say 'but you did this, you did that?'
No he doesn't, he hears us when we say sorry and forgives us and puts us back on our horse, if we are sorry , like genually sorry it should be left alone. Sorry not related to codependancy
Seemed you like nailed every feeling I feel. Those things are probably why.
Already Signed for the retreat !
Yep. And the worst type of toxic is a narcissist empath dynamic who don’t have many real world life skills. It’s like someone who has no boundaries, poor self esteem and people pleasing traumas vs. Someone who is manipulative, expects everything to be handed to them and easily confuses people with gaslighting and projecting. It’s like a match made in hell and the longer it goes on the worse it gets.
I came here because I thought codependency was a GOOD relationship. I am in a perfect relationship. We "click" at EVERTHING. We tell each other "I love codependency."
I'll fess up to ...."It's new love." We've only been dating for two years. But we are not happy being separated. The minute we're separated, we start missing each other.
So, I was thinking.... This has to be unhealthy... to always want to be together. After watching this clip and reading some of the comments..... I'm changing my mindset. I now think...... I'm one lucky guy. There's some really screwed relationships. Enjoy it and don't overthink it.
I hope the folks out there in codependent relationships that aren't fun find a road to a happy relationship because it's GREAT.
Those type of ppl "selfish" as you call it. They just should be single and enjoy it. Not be in a romantic/committed relationship ...
And maybe they will be ready at some other point in their lives to learn to share with someone else .
It comes down to be honest with oneself in being who we are and "where" we are in our growth/or the road of our life
Great work Mathew 🙌🕊 ☀️
Co-dependency has a particular definition. It isn’t simply dependent on another. There’s a whole gamut of characteristics that comprise co-dependency.
You speak directly to me. Point blank. I am in a marriage thats abusive and all 3 points are a description of me. I am at the beginning of separation and I do want to have quite a lot of time alone to figure some shit out about myself and be on a path of self love. Thanks for your wisdom🙂
Oh my god!!! Desire , scarcity ,and my self worth !!! Holy shit
Well said Matthew. :)
Wow. This hits home.
It’s a shame you missed a HUGE part of all this. Yes the 3 reasons these bad co-dependent situations keeps happening to people are true but you missed out WHERE they develop from which is reallllllllllly important in the process of coming out of the cycle.
I know for me, literally discovered this the other day in therapy, that I keep ending up and putting up with bad behaviour in relationships etc. Because of the relationship I had with my parents and the main key adults around me growing up.
The sad truth is, I didn’t have emotionally available adults around me who were able to freely and easily give me love or attention when I was a child, they had a lot of issues of their own they were trying to deal with and honestly they just didn’t have the ability or capacity to give me love consistently and freely as a child. So what happened was, I developed the HABIT of over giving to THEM, and I kept trying and trying and trying as a child to get love from them because well, subconsciously every kid from literally a baby, knows their survival depends on the love and thus care the adults around them can give, and as a kid we don’t have the option to just get up and leave or swap parents. So that’s how the keep trying and over giving and keep putting up with being treated badly becomes a habit and then later on effects adult relationships that I now have. The difference now however is, I’m an adult who doesn’t have to put up with all that. The way however to break the cycle is first processing the trauma or relationship you had with your parents, and then naturally the whole thing falls into place more easily. Self help doesn’t address the core issues because it’s too vague and doesn’t help you process the initial point of pain which is difficult and hard to heal from and also change from through patterns of behaviour
Absolutely nailed it!
After 17 yrs my husband doesn't want to do this anymore, after 6-8 months of arguments, arguments I thought were normal with children hitting adulthood. Feel like I'm in mourning, day 15
does he have another?
Interdependency is the goal.
This is also the recipe for staying single for years.
I really love your vidéos keep up with the good work
Can you go into the "scarcity mindset" a bit more though, to help us get out of that mindset? I still go on dates with guys, think "he's perfectly nice, we had a nice time, but it still feels like something is missing," and THEN think "well, the something that's missing must be some beautiful but impossible quality that only 2 people on this planet have." If I have a certain vision in mind for how I'd like my relationship to be, and so far every relationship is falling short of that, how do I believe that my vision even exists/is possible/at all likely for me to find?
That's so me :D
Are you talking about me?! Jk, lol. I'm not codependent. I need and want more love from my SP and I have my good reasons. I'm very blessed. My SP is always improving and learn my love language. I'm blessed and loved. May everyone receives the love, care, and respect you deserve. Know your worth.
Great video matthew but sadly this doesn’t apply in India !!
Matthew, I could really use your perspective on a relationship I've been in for the last 10 months.
My [21F] boyfriend [30M] of 10 months has broken up with me 5 times now. For background, he is a 30yo, previously married man with a 5yo daughter from that previous marriage. According to him, she was the only other woman he has ever been with other than me. His ex-wife was an immigrant and after spending 4-5yrs with her, but only being married for 7-8mos, he found that she had only married him (and had the child) to gain citizenship. He has little sexually/relationship experience despite his being extremely smart, good-looking, and socially adept. He was raised in a family that has a very particular set of values and he is a very serious man when approaching relationships. He only dates with the intention to marry and have a family. He has no friends, really. He doesn't frequent bars, clubs, parties, or social events whatsoever.
The boundaries he set in the relationship was No social media, no traveling alone, No bars, clubs, BEACH, parties without him, no male friends.
The first time he ended things was because I was in a vulnerable position because I had just lost my mom 3mos prior and my job. About three days later, he called me up again. He told me he could not shake this feeling and regretted his decision. The second time he broke up with me was when he went through my phone and had seen a conversation I had with my previous roommate/friend who was a male AND because he was under the impression, somehow, that I had invited another man in his place to go to a party my roommate was throwing. The conversation and relationship I had with this previous roommate/friend was completely platonic, there was no flirting. What had actually happened was that I casually mentioned to a coworker that I was going to a party and that my boyfriend would like be there over the weekend and informally invited him, like "oh maybe you should come." He told me his cousin was in for the weekend and didn't really seem interested in attending whatsoever, so honestly, I completely forgot all about. The third time he broke up with me it was because I made a sexual joke he felt was disrespectful, but instead of telling me that, without discussion, he blocks me on everything the next day. The fourth time he broke up with me was when I went to visit him for the holidays. We spent the week arguing because he said I brought up the past too much. He sent me a text stating it was over. I was crushed but I respected his decision despite the overwhelming feeling that he was making YET another mistake. Another 3wks pass, he goes through all the trouble of shipping my things to me to then CALL ME AND ASK TO PICK ME UP, MOVE IN WITH HIM AND GET BACK TOGETHER.
When we got back together after this, his mother told me that during the 3wks we had been broken up he was calling me a wh*re, sl*t, saying I had done all these things which wasn't true. In his search history I found a search for "how to get over being in love with a sl*t" and many searches about covert narcissism, which he was also calling me. She also tells me that he is still legally married, although separated, which he had lied to me about, among other things... But, I still stay with him because he told me if he really thought these things he wouldnt have come to pick me up, he wouldnt still want to be with me, and he wouldnt have integrated me into his family. He told me he was struggling with the breakup and needed to convince himself of these things so he could move on from me.
And now, what brings me to write this post, FIVE times he has broken up with me now. This time felt different, like he was going to stick it out with me this time and I do believe, unlike other times, that he did try his best. But I need your opinion on this. I had once again lost my job and it was around the one year anniversary of my mother's death, I had recently moved to a city in which I knew NO ONE, I was EXTREMELY depressed. I was crying for hours every single day for the previous 2wks. He was there for me. He was reassuring me. He was doing his best. But, I began to feel, because he was the ONLY person in my life (as I only really have one friend, was NOT allowed to have any male friends, and unable to make new female friends in this new city because he did NOT allow me to go out to bars, clubs, parties, the BEACH, etc without his presence in order to make these new friends). I felt I was becoming a burden to him, I could tell it was very draining on him, as it would be for anyone. I was using him as an emotional crutch because I had no one else. I was struggling. When I asked him if he was still in love with me, he paused for about 5-6 seconds and said "...I do care for you, but it's been difficult." Of course, given the state I was already in, completely lost it. So, I broke the agreement we had about no male friends, I contacted 2 females and 2 males because I NEEDED someone to talk to me. AGAIN, those who I contacted were completely appropriate and platonic relationships and conversations (I will try to attach the text conversations to this post). In an anxious frenzy, I took all of my clothes out of the drawers, threw them on the bed, changed my phone background, changed my phone password. And when I saw him hours later, he asked who I was speaking with when we were apart that day and I lied, deleted the messages. He asked me about 3 times and I lied each time. I ONLY LIED BC I KNEW HE WAS GOING TO REACT THIS WAY. I know it was wrong, but it came from pure intentions. How bad is what I did and is it unforgivable? From his point of view, he is trying so hard to be there for his woman who is pushing him away constantly and discovers she is now contacting 2 males (and 2 females) and lying about it. On top of that, she has changed her phone background and password, and taken her clothes out of the drawer.
I begged him to understand my perspective, that I don't have a mother or any family to contact to listen to my problems, to lean on for support. I don't have but one friend, really, and I know no one in the city. I recently lost my job, the one year anniversary of my mother's death was recent, I am deeply depressed and reliving my past childhood traumas and carrying the guilt of the last thing I said to my mother, day after day. I felt I HAD to reach out to someone other than him because I felt I was destroying the relationship. I felt he would have been better off because I could not be the woman he needed me to be any longer because I couldn't even be that woman for myself. He wouldn't hear me. He told me is was unforgivable, I could not be trusted in the future because of my lying about being in contact with those people, that it was a "sl*tty" thing to do, that I was a "pathological liar" (even though this is the first time I've ever lied to him about anything in this relationship), he told me to "GET THE F*CK OUT," he told me not to touch him. I feel so heartbroken. Please HELP.
Do you have more information about this subject please? Maybe a book or a video where you discuss these 3 things in more detail? Thank you
I was interested in a British guy. I'm American. He called me an idiot when he didn't agree with what I said and then he said, "You know I meant naive right?" Well, no. I don't know of any culture of English speaking people that don't think calling someone an idiot isn't wrong and abusive.
Thank you ♥️
Hi matthew, could you talk about why some people feel bad when they see their ex with another partner? Is it because they still love them? Or is it an issue with themselves? What is it?
Thank you for your video
Can you do a video on if one should continue a relationship after realizing the partner has an anxious attachment style & ptsd due to past trauma??
Mark 7:29
And he said unto her, For this saying go thy way; the devil is gone out of thy daughter.
1 Corinthians 11:13
Judge in yourselves: is it comely that a woman pray unto God uncovered?
🙋🏼♀️😢 guilty. I feel so lost. 😭 14 years together.
Hi Matthew! I love all your content! I want to know what tripod you are using with your phone. 😃
Is it possible that the selfish person can heal and learn to make the relationship work?
This hit hard
Uggggggg how do you break that cycle?
I met a guy who is constantly asking detailed questions about my day. He wants to know EVERYTHING I am doing at the moment and it is making me feel so uncomfortable. We haven’t even met in person yet. I just asked him if he has trust issues or was ever cheated on and he said his ex wife cheated on him. I feel so suffocated by him and I just tried breaking it off with him and this video reveals a lot of how we are not the same.
I left a 30 yr narcissistic marriage 4 years ago and RAN to therapy to get healed so I wouldn’t attract the same kind of person. He reminds me so much of my ex.
I just wonder if Is this me or him? Please help guide me
Question about the virtual retreat: what time zone are we talking about for the virtual retreat? New York time? Cause I live in Switzerland and if I want to join I need to know how many hours of time difference we have :-). Also the actual hours of the retreat are not indicated on the website. So what time it starts on Friday? Kind of important if u have to take a day off work for that. Thanks in advance
Thank you..
Heyhey.. Thanks for your great work☺️... I know this is not your field.. But i brought a lot of friends of mine together and always the same thing happens.. They get really close and change and i get neglected... And i wanted to ask how can i communicate that this bothers me whithout them thinking that im jealous or just lonely?
This video it's my actually life !
that hit hard...
Kind of off subject, but what do you think of the teachings of Corey Wayne the 3% man? Seems that mens coaches are teaching opposite things that women are taught…would really be interested in you doing a video on this…
Is love to do the retreat.. But can't afford it.
You are so very best!!!
Can you love someone you met over the internet because of their words but have never met in person?
Is this the wrong person?
Can you do a video on why you shouldn’t be a counselor in your relationships and why it’s bad… how does a woman that’s a healer not do that ?
How a surgeon often steps back and hands duty over to some else if it's their spouse/family that needs surgery
Understanding how much damage can be done by accident purely because you are emotionally attached to the outcome
44 and given up
I can't book that retreat as I might be in a beautiful love relationship by then 😜 🤞🌈😍
Can you give me advice? Pls i need so much help
كلام مدوزن ❤❤❤
I 💯 agree with what you are saying. But I’ve heard you talk often about if you feel good about yourself then you will have more options. Not necessarily true!!! I’m a very confident single woman and yes when I go out I attract men, but nothing I want to date!! I’m in So Cal, I’m a conservative, God following, alpha woman. I’m in a town loaded with liberal snowflake beta boys. And to add to it, slim slim pickings on attractive men!!! So no options are not always out there, I feel like I’m looking for unicorns!!
Geo restrictions for OC?
Well, apparently it’s time to join co-defendant anonymous.
WOW Matthew, so helpful and insightful ❤️😘
Actually can’t believe I’m here! I didn’t want to find out about me, it’s painful! I attract & attach to narcissists 😰😭
@Lei Won oh dear I don’t want my ex back, he’s totally available though 🤣, God would not want me to return to him he wants me to work on myself!