@@CleverChimney This happened with the woman I love, and she's the most beautiful person in the whole world to me. Even if that weren't the case, she's still extremely attractive. That being said, I wouldn't be the least bit shocked if you were naturally good looking, and your narc was really jealous over it.
You can't explain it. They will never understand. Its like explaining trauma. It's exhausting. I stopped trying . You have to find to find a community of people who have always experienced it because then you can talk about it not explain it. Channels like this are great for us❤
As someone who was raised by a narcissist, I really wanna warn against blaming a whole group of people for the abuse of others. My parents trafficked me, abandoned me as a child on the street, and I endured endless abuse, like many. Narcissists create narcissists and when I went into serious recovery, I met so many people who have personality disorders because of the same abuse I/we have endured. Especially intense sexual trauma in childhood. And there they were, breaking the cycle despite their disorder. I think we should be careful not to repeat history by blaming groups of people for the abuse of others, and to let survivors know they CAN break the cycle. And know mental illness isn't stopping them. And more-so, that they're not automatically their parents because of what was passed on. I understand we all want an easy villain, but that's just not the reality of life. You aren't automatically a bad person because of an illness. You're not automatically a bad person because your family raised you to be. You CAN break the cycle and that's a better message to put out there. Villainizing a whole disorder as our abusers will also keep survivors from accessing help and then they're more likely to repeat the cycle. Let's not do that please.
I hated the weird way my mom would always try to buddy up and take a side against me with any friends or boyfriends I was stupid enough to bring home. She'd make mean comments about what I was wearing or doing, or tell deeply embarrassing stories about me to humiliate me & try to get my person to side with her against me.
this happened with me, but instead it was using my neurodivergencies as a way to get the person to point and laugh at me. my struggles with life, my late blooming in adult milestones, my difficulties with sensory, anything like that was pointed at and used as a way to laugh. A cruel "isn't it weird that this completely normal person is acting so strangely? let's bond over how we both have to *deal* with them." it made family get togethers draining and made me look into moving out just before the holidays start just so i can avoid it.
In some ways, I feel lucky to be the scapegoat because going no contact was easy when it came to a mother that never properly bonded with me even as a baby. Realizing she wouldn't get better and letting go of that relationship was 100% a positive because that's how much stress trying to have a relationship with someone so genuinely malicious to me. But how sick is that? It's a blessing to have never been loved by her because I'm sure if I had even a little bit, it would be harder to walk away. I know that because I struggled with being in abusive relationships when I was younger - the smallest crumbs of "love" felt monumental and gave me hope for the relationship. Never had that hope for my mother. It just didn't click until she told me she doesn't believe in mental illness at all. Once she said that it was like "actually that checks; she'll never get the help she needs" and I was free just like that. 15 years no contact this Christmas 🎉 lol Sorry for the ramble. I appreciate you and having a space to remind me that I'm not completely insane and that these experiences are unfortunately not unique to me. Like I hate that for us but knowing it's A Thing and not just me is grounding.
I spent most of my thinking I was a burden no one liked because of the death of a thousand cuts from my mother. I pulled away started healing, she called me to let me know she has dementia. She didn't invest in me. She just ground me under her heel. Now she is shocked I haven't thrown what little life I've managed to make aside to be at her beck and call. I morn for the parent I needed, not the reluctant genetic donator I had
I'm so sorry you had that experience. You have a lot of wisdom. My ex husband is some kind of narcissist/borderline/sociopath mix. I didn't even know I was being abused until our marital counselor told me: "It's the cycle of abuse. He is a narcissist." I was like: "What's that?" Then I spent another 10 years reading every book on the subject and trying to create some kind of normalcy for our 5 children. The emotional abuse and drama escalated. When I stopped crying and allowing his shame to work on me, he turned it on the children. I almost freakin LOST My mind and I'm not an angry person, so that was a jarring experience. So I left and chose poverty, a broken family, lost many friends and my home. Also..people told me the same thing: "Men are just like that. Maybe you need to be nicer. You need to tell the kids to obey his arbitrary rules because God requires that. He's just upset because you prioritize the children....etc etc." The happy ending is that I started teaching music to pay bills and found out that I'm actually pretty good at it! Two of our 4 adult children are estranged from him of their own choosing and I support whatever they need. I have learned so much on this journey, though painful. Narcissists create a lot of pain, but I know they are mentally unwell.
My husband has a very overwhelming mother. She’s estranged from her daughter, my sil, and low contact with my husband. I am cordial and have been at arms length for 25 years, but she blames me for the low contact. It’s not me, I don’t have anything to do with their relationship and this dynamic was at play before I married him. She disrespected my parenting choices early on and I never initiated contact again, but have never stopped him. I asked him if he’s ever worried about us not communicating with his mom, and he said something really true. He said she has our number and our address, and she knows what she can do to be in our lives more, and that it’s a two way street. To hear it from her we neglect her and don’t try as hard as she thinks we should. But she doesn’t meet his boundaries either. So instead of it being all on him, he sees her responsibility and says she could just stop trying to be the poor sad mother and just meet his wishes, or at least attempt to. I just feel guilt, but he has a healthier attitude towards the situation I think.
I'm glad your husband is able to manage that in a healthy way I think i'd also feel guilt if i had a mother in law like that so i hope it doesn't weigh too heavy on you I would probably feel less guilt after the parenting criticisms however
The first post where the person posted about "pin prick" kind of behaviors from an abusive is very relatable. I find very hard to get myself heard, sometimes even from my own self, because some behaviors are so normalized or minimized to the point it feels petty bringing X or Y situation because at face value and without any context the behavior seems harmless but having the context of the relationship and other situations and you see how it is really "death by a 1000 cuts" in an emotional sense. For example my mother would actively discourage me from going to any activity i like with the excuse of "i am only looking out for your safety", and she would do that everytime until i didnt take the unsolicited advice and did my thing anyways. At face value this might seem harmless but psychologically it destroys you when everytime you wanna do something the other person, especially your parent, questions your ability to keep yourself safe.
I was ALWAYS forced to call people "Mr." or "Mrs.". It would drive my friend's parents nuts, but I couldn't bring myself to call them by their first name knowing what would happen if my adoptive mom heard me calling an adult by their first name.
I really related to the gentleman that said his mom “treats him like a pet” and keep him feeling trapped. The collapsing on the floor full of emotions… I am the only child of a narcissistic mother. And despite all the pain. I do love her for the fact she is my mom. But I hate the way she treats me and causes me feel. I similarly am stuck at home. In my late twenties. I moved back during covid after losing my job, my home, my car and almost my life. Being home I’ve had a lot of health issues come into play that keep me feeling stuck because they do offer me a place to live, with the payment being abuse from a malignant narcissist. Being in pain from health issues everyday… sometimes not able to walk without pain or exist without pain makes it easier for her to bully , gaslight and emotionally manipulate me. The amount of trauma having to come home has caused has brought me to a place of such loneliness and despair. I live with someone who will seldomly say they love me unless it’s in a fight at some point. I try to do the most I can to work through the health issues I have. My mom tells me I won’t be able to sustain myself on my own despite having done it previous to covid for 6 yrs. Does everything for me before I get a chance to.. to keep me feeling like I can’t do it myself despite having the opportunity to try and learn. So she can try to have control over the situation. It is hard to pull up and fight such an unrelenting force of greed and entitlement. I am so grateful for all my family truly does do for me. And I try to thank them every applicable chance I have. I try my best to stay strong and in return remain on a path of health and progress through the years. As that’s what they “say” they want as repayment. Through all the monthly giant needles in the back and head for pain, through all the weekly therapy, through the chemo, through the bleeding on my hands and feet daily where I can barely walk or change my own clothes, through the depression of fighting so hard for a life that when I almost lost it I had grieved and didn’t want it anymore. Through being told no one will love me for who I am daily, through being fat shamed, through being hated for my illnesses as an “inconvenience” , through the screaming, through being told being assaulted by two long term partners I had was entirely my fault and the fact they have the deal with the “aftermath of its mental affects on me” ( because they see this as a punishment to them that somehow I’m doing to slight them purposefully) 🙄 through every call I end saying “I love you” only to be hung up on… to be told saying it as much as I do makes it mean less. Even though it’s really my inner child desperately wanting to hear it back… I’ve tried to be strong. Everyday I wake up and live another day in pain. Scared and alone. Being manipulated to believe I will never have a future. And that future seems so far away. Like a prize no matter how hard I fight I’ll never see. I still sit here. Alone. And type this. In fear and despair. To let anyone else know. They aren’t alone. I’ve never actually commented on a video ever before. But with the topic hitting so close to home. I was thinking if anyone could say anything to me right now. What would that be? And right now it would be that 1. I am not alone , even though I feel alone. 2. I am not alone , even if I feel invisible to the company or people around me in the world. 3. Even if I don’t feel my life is worth living , every life is worth living. I matter more than I think I do. 4. I have hope that one day abuse will not control my life, happiness, and sense of self. 5. Even if you don’t love yourself right now , especially because of all the bullshit and doubt rammed into your brain on a daily basis. I love you. I love you. And I need to learn to fill myself up with so much love , that her fake , bullshit joke offering of love won’t be something I grab at in desperation for any shred I can get even if it’s fake. Conditional. I am capable of learning to love myself without conditions. Because the fact I’ve made it this far, is proof that maybe underneath all the insecurities and doubt. There truly is someone and somethings worth loving. And I will cherish those gifts. And nurture them. And acknowledge. That even though I try to always be tough and a “ bad bitch”. To armour up for her unrelenting war. That I can in safe places or in solitude acknowledge that what has happened to me and what is happening to me is not okay. And I deserved a parent who loves me in a way that helps me become who I want to be. And as much as I didn’t want to become my own parent in substitution I’ve risen to every challenge. And even badass warriors are allowed to cry when they’re hurt. Because their emotions are valid. If you happened to read this far I hope you know your life is worth living. And as much as I might not feel that way about mine. I’m trying to. And I hope for someone who needs it. That anything I’ve shared , will help them try for another day too. Thank you. Sending love and light with a bunch of badass energy your way. 🔮🌙🔮
I am sorry you're going through all of this 😔 it sounds like a nightmare! You don't deserve to be treated badly by anyone! If someone else hurt you, that is not your fault. I hope you keep telling yourself these things. You seem like a very kind and compassionate person. You must try to use that compassion for yourself now. You deserve it most of all because you really do matter 🩷 I know what it's like to feel stuck and hopeless. You're not alone either 🫶 I hope you can find freedom and have some peace in your life 🙏 You deserve those things. Don't give up. You're so strong for getting this far. I can only imagine what your life must have been like growing up an only child to such a mother. My little sister really kept me going. I don't think i would have made it through without her. So I really mean it when i say you are a badass! 💖
Have you been tested for adhd? If you can get tested, if you have it and can get a px for adderal, then you will have the energy to leave. Then go NC and work on healing. It's going to be a long fight. The sooner, the better. Good luck.
I learnt pretty recently that asking other people to validate my experience or my identity is basically just giving the authority over my life story away. Nowadays if other people understand where I'm coming from that's great but if they don't it doesn't hurt my sense of self as much as it used to
After a full childhood of constant abuse, the pin pricks hit different because they know they only need to do tiny things to maintain the compliance and keep you down. It's all maintenance phase. You've learned by then, like a kicked dog. It's how they mask what they do. They know how to push your buttons because they installed them, and they've done so in a way that's hard for others to see. For instance, one seemingly small event always sticks in my memory. I came down to the car where my mom was waiting to take me somewhere as a teenager, and as I walked towards the car, she said through the open window: Mom (critical): "Your lipstick is too dark." Me (confused): "I'm not wearing any lipstick." Mom (offended): "Oh." Sure that seems benign, but when you factor in the decade and a half she spent controlling everything about my appearance so that I had no autonomy over my own body - not letting me cut or style my hair, not even letting me use the brush I wanted, not letting me choose what clothes to buy, not allowing me to do my nails with anything except that Tinkerbell nail polish that peels off, banning makeup until I was 11 and then being very controlling about it afterwards, etc. etc. - that one seemingly small comment suddenly comes with a LOT of baggage. Nothing was mine, not even my own body There's an understanding that passed between us that basically let me know I was not in compliance and she had a problem with my natural face. The shame of just existing was triggered, just as she'd programmed it to. And all she had to say was "Your lipstick is too dark."
If you've gone no contact or low contact and are doubting yourself i would ask you three questions. 1- "If you let them back in right now, what would your relationship be like?" 2- "if you went out and made a new friend right now, what would that relationship be like? 3- "if the answer to 2 is a better quality of relationship and/or life than the answer to 1, why should you choose them over a stranger?" Lots of good people out there. No reason to waste time on the ones who don't want the best for you, fam.
8:53 nooooooo. That is really bad. It’s given them (the parents/any parent horrific or not) far too much respect from you, a stranger. It also puts you under them in terms of authority. Unless they are calling _you_ by _your_ last name as well, then giving them those titles when they are strangers, and you don’t know them, is a horrible piece of advice. In my shattered family former unit, even my self obsessed father didn’t insist on anyone (he was out of my life doing his own narc thing by the time I was ten) calling him Mr “Lastname” or even Mr. “first name” even to my friends I had when I was 7 and under. Handing the authority over to people who might, possible, not deserve it, is a good way to get used too. And if you’re being introduced to parents and the adult children insist it, and the parents don’t correct them… even more reason to as the parents directly. No one needs a friend you can’t help because their parents are toxic and still in their lives. If they were trapped while trying to cut contact, that is different. You have reason to have met parents in a formal school type setting, it’s not appropriate to call someone Mr/Mrs/Doctor when you’re just meeting your friends parents. A professor of mind banned “Yes, Sir/No, Sir” from his class because he knew it was automatic from immediate punishment by someone and that it wasn’t a sign of respect at all just an automatic response. And in my experience, good, mature parents, will laugh it off and insist you call them by their first name and with no title. I hope you see this comment, 😊
I recently found your channel. I’m finding a lot of healing in hearing some of your experiences. Instant subscription. Thanks for being so upfront and strong. As someone raised in the Latinx community I understand that it can be a struggle. So thank you
I might not have lots of material goods to give my kids, but they will always have a safe harbour with me. I’ll make sure they’ll always be understood, comforted and supported with me. I’ll be their safe place.
My mother is huge on respect and boundaries until it's time for her to follow it. For example, I had been taking my mother to her doctor appointments and repeatedly told her that we couldn't be late. She was told to be there 15 minutes prior which is standard for office visits. I told her I didnt want to speed down the road and have the anxiety of getting a ticket or causing an accident. She turns to me and literally says, "these doctors are running on my time!". She continues.,"They are expecting me to be there 15 minutes early but can't immediately see me when I get there". This was confirmation for me of how insane my mother had become. My mother lives alone and stopped driving which meant I became the taxi driver. Now that I'm married, my husband has become the second taxi driver. When I moved out, my mother lost her mind and also stopped cleaning her home. I didnt want to leave her but she constantly kept kicking me out whenever she deemed me disrespectful. She even yelled at me for keeping the house clean, and told me she didn't need a maid. After I moved out for good, my mother's home became so filthy that none of us were allowed to come inside. Since my mother stopped driving years prior, she would send me a list of everything she needed and I would have to drop everything off at her front door. She refused to even let me inside, my daughter hasn't seen the inside of her grandmothers home since she was 3 years old, she's now 13. I've been married for 8 years now and my husband has never been invited inside. My mother also has a cat which she lets crap all over the home, the smell is god awful. She also stopped caring for herself, she may shower once a month and she smells so badly. One day she finally gathered all her dirty clothes and asked me if she could wash them at my home, which I agreed to. I decided to help by washing the clothes for her, when I untied the bag there was dead roaches, used toilet paper, cat chit and old blood all over the clothes. I had cat chit floating all in my washing machine. I'll admit I overreacted and gave her a hard time about this. I asked her why didnt she check the clothes before hand? I told her it was unsanitary and she argued with me about how indoor cats don't carry diseases. I told her it was still freaking gross and of course she took this as total disrespect. These are just two subjects involving my mother, who refuses to acknowledge how unfair and out of touch she is with reality. I could write an entire book about my childhood and how my mother still controls my adult life. However, I am always happy to find channels such as yours which helps me through it all. It valids my feelings and others are going through the same. New subby! Keep up the good work!
You have a nice soothing voice and calm demeanor. Thank you, Max. I enjoy having you into my home. Pretty lonely person I guess I am...nice of you to share with us
15:03 In terms of that, I feel so bad because I've thought about it simply because I know I'd be free to be myself in a way I don't think I have it in me to be with her in my life in terms of my mum. I don't really want that though.
EP has always been hyper critical of me. Her only child. Criticize my handwriting, criticize the pitch of my voice, criticize my choice of career (hers was no better wtf?) Yet, EP is envious of me, copies me, tries to one-up me. It's pretty fucking weird. Anyway, I am permanently NC so EP can't copy me nor criticize me harshly, ever again. I am FREE!!!!
Unfortunately I was kicked out of this subreddit for arguing with someone because they were saying narcissistic people should not be allowed to live. So I was “defending narcs”. Made me so sad bc I felt so comfortable there and just thought it was unacceptable to say an entire swath of people shouldn’t be allowed to live.
The raised by borderline subreddit is actually pretty disgusting imo. My mom is a diagnosed narc w diagnosed BPD as well. I find it disgusting because of how these conditions are considered essentially the same and that people with BPD are incapable of getting better. Most w BPD were abused by someone w BPD or NPD. 2/3 of ppl with BPD no longer meet the diagnostic criteria after seeking help.
I have a husband with wonderful parents and a brother he is quite close with. I wish I had the relationship he has with his parents. I wish my mom was like his mom. I wish I had parents that accepted me and not just tolerated me. I wish I had parents that respected me. Not only when I am my best, but also when I am not. I feel inadequate and less than in their presence. I feel not enough.
Eew yeah i know a lady with an ex who stays in contact w her just to keep competing w her. She told him she wants to write a book about their travels and instead he's planning his own book on Carribean travel. She's dropped hints at other stalking type behavior. She needs to stop talking to his weird ass
I'm trans. I've been trying to get my family to care about the problems I'm facing.. then on Monday I got the confirmation that my mom who is the ultimate controller of my family is voting for .. that man. I just have no words for her anymore. I'm done trying to fight to get her to care and listen to me. I'm done.
I'm so sorry. I'm in a similar situation but for a different reason, my son is a cancer survivor with permanent side effects, he relies on the ACA to survive. I begged my dad not to vote for that guy again. He still is. It's supposedly just a difference of opinion and I'm petty because I'm making it an issue in our relationship but it sure doesn't feel petty when your own flesh and blood is willing to risk your life for the tax breaks.
@amberinthemist7912 oh no, I'm so sorry you're having to go through that. And then everyone tries acting like you are making a fuss when it's something that actually affects your loved ones health and safety. my brothers keep telling me that I can't let "politics" mess with family so I can relate with that part too. I just want to say "Bruh, my life and safety is significantly affected by him being in office, that should matter to you." But I already have tried.
It is an interesting subreddit, though i found there being surprisingly few posts detailing actual experiences and lot more posts allong the line of 'have you had x experience too?' Or just a lot of short posts that do not go really into detail with a reason allong the lines of 'I dont want anyone finding out im posting here. Its that bad. I do recall someone posting basically a sort of diary some years ago, chronicalling how their mother handled the ilness and death of their cats. I wonder what happened since they stopped posting at some point. Btw, ever heard of a channel by the name theramintrees? They made a 2 part vid on how they were unaffected by the death of their abusive mother after going no contact, detailing what motivated it and the path they took to get to that point.
"My mom criticized my appearance" probably means "she made a big problem out of every little thing nonstop for years."
That's the reality.
@@ellyk8834 Honestly, I'm glad other people get it.
Mine gave me an ED and body image issues
@@CleverChimney This happened with the woman I love, and she's the most beautiful person in the whole world to me. Even if that weren't the case, she's still extremely attractive. That being said, I wouldn't be the least bit shocked if you were naturally good looking, and your narc was really jealous over it.
It also probably means "she called me cruel names based on my appearance and invited other family members to make fun of me too."
You can't explain it. They will never understand. Its like explaining trauma. It's exhausting. I stopped trying . You have to find to find a community of people who have always experienced it because then you can talk about it not explain it. Channels like this are great for us❤
As someone who was raised by a narcissist, I really wanna warn against blaming a whole group of people for the abuse of others. My parents trafficked me, abandoned me as a child on the street, and I endured endless abuse, like many. Narcissists create narcissists and when I went into serious recovery, I met so many people who have personality disorders because of the same abuse I/we have endured. Especially intense sexual trauma in childhood. And there they were, breaking the cycle despite their disorder. I think we should be careful not to repeat history by blaming groups of people for the abuse of others, and to let survivors know they CAN break the cycle. And know mental illness isn't stopping them. And more-so, that they're not automatically their parents because of what was passed on.
I understand we all want an easy villain, but that's just not the reality of life. You aren't automatically a bad person because of an illness. You're not automatically a bad person because your family raised you to be. You CAN break the cycle and that's a better message to put out there. Villainizing a whole disorder as our abusers will also keep survivors from accessing help and then they're more likely to repeat the cycle. Let's not do that please.
"you're going to hurt your own feelings expecting other people to be the person that you are" is too real
I hated the weird way my mom would always try to buddy up and take a side against me with any friends or boyfriends I was stupid enough to bring home. She'd make mean comments about what I was wearing or doing, or tell deeply embarrassing stories about me to humiliate me & try to get my person to side with her against me.
this happened with me, but instead it was using my neurodivergencies as a way to get the person to point and laugh at me. my struggles with life, my late blooming in adult milestones, my difficulties with sensory, anything like that was pointed at and used as a way to laugh. A cruel "isn't it weird that this completely normal person is acting so strangely? let's bond over how we both have to *deal* with them."
it made family get togethers draining and made me look into moving out just before the holidays start just so i can avoid it.
In some ways, I feel lucky to be the scapegoat because going no contact was easy when it came to a mother that never properly bonded with me even as a baby. Realizing she wouldn't get better and letting go of that relationship was 100% a positive because that's how much stress trying to have a relationship with someone so genuinely malicious to me.
But how sick is that? It's a blessing to have never been loved by her because I'm sure if I had even a little bit, it would be harder to walk away. I know that because I struggled with being in abusive relationships when I was younger - the smallest crumbs of "love" felt monumental and gave me hope for the relationship.
Never had that hope for my mother. It just didn't click until she told me she doesn't believe in mental illness at all. Once she said that it was like "actually that checks; she'll never get the help she needs" and I was free just like that. 15 years no contact this Christmas 🎉 lol
Sorry for the ramble. I appreciate you and having a space to remind me that I'm not completely insane and that these experiences are unfortunately not unique to me. Like I hate that for us but knowing it's A Thing and not just me is grounding.
Good for you
I spent most of my thinking I was a burden no one liked because of the death of a thousand cuts from my mother. I pulled away started healing, she called me to let me know she has dementia. She didn't invest in me. She just ground me under her heel. Now she is shocked I haven't thrown what little life I've managed to make aside to be at her beck and call. I morn for the parent I needed, not the reluctant genetic donator I had
"your job as a person is to find and create and sustain a life that is best for you" excellently said
I'm so sorry you had that experience. You have a lot of wisdom. My ex husband is some kind of narcissist/borderline/sociopath mix. I didn't even know I was being abused until our marital counselor told me: "It's the cycle of abuse. He is a narcissist." I was like: "What's that?" Then I spent another 10 years reading every book on the subject and trying to create some kind of normalcy for our 5 children. The emotional abuse and drama escalated. When I stopped crying and allowing his shame to work on me, he turned it on the children. I almost freakin LOST My mind and I'm not an angry person, so that was a jarring experience. So I left and chose poverty, a broken family, lost many friends and my home. Also..people told me the same thing: "Men are just like that. Maybe you need to be nicer. You need to tell the kids to obey his arbitrary rules because God requires that. He's just upset because you prioritize the children....etc etc." The happy ending is that I started teaching music to pay bills and found out that I'm actually pretty good at it! Two of our 4 adult children are estranged from him of their own choosing and I support whatever they need. I have learned so much on this journey, though painful. Narcissists create a lot of pain, but I know they are mentally unwell.
My husband has a very overwhelming mother. She’s estranged from her daughter, my sil, and low contact with my husband. I am cordial and have been at arms length for 25 years, but she blames me for the low contact. It’s not me, I don’t have anything to do with their relationship and this dynamic was at play before I married him. She disrespected my parenting choices early on and I never initiated contact again, but have never stopped him. I asked him if he’s ever worried about us not communicating with his mom, and he said something really true. He said she has our number and our address, and she knows what she can do to be in our lives more, and that it’s a two way street. To hear it from her we neglect her and don’t try as hard as she thinks we should. But she doesn’t meet his boundaries either. So instead of it being all on him, he sees her responsibility and says she could just stop trying to be the poor sad mother and just meet his wishes, or at least attempt to. I just feel guilt, but he has a healthier attitude towards the situation I think.
I'm glad your husband is able to manage that in a healthy way
I think i'd also feel guilt if i had a mother in law like that so i hope it doesn't weigh too heavy on you
I would probably feel less guilt after the parenting criticisms however
The first post where the person posted about "pin prick" kind of behaviors from an abusive is very relatable. I find very hard to get myself heard, sometimes even from my own self, because some behaviors are so normalized or minimized to the point it feels petty bringing X or Y situation because at face value and without any context the behavior seems harmless but having the context of the relationship and other situations and you see how it is really "death by a 1000 cuts" in an emotional sense.
For example my mother would actively discourage me from going to any activity i like with the excuse of "i am only looking out for your safety", and she would do that everytime until i didnt take the unsolicited advice and did my thing anyways. At face value this might seem harmless but psychologically it destroys you when everytime you wanna do something the other person, especially your parent, questions your ability to keep yourself safe.
I was ALWAYS forced to call people "Mr." or "Mrs.". It would drive my friend's parents nuts, but I couldn't bring myself to call them by their first name knowing what would happen if my adoptive mom heard me calling an adult by their first name.
I really related to the gentleman that said his mom “treats him like a pet” and keep him feeling trapped. The collapsing on the floor full of emotions… I am the only child of a narcissistic mother. And despite all the pain. I do love her for the fact she is my mom. But I hate the way she treats me and causes me feel. I similarly am stuck at home. In my late twenties. I moved back during covid after losing my job, my home, my car and almost my life. Being home I’ve had a lot of health issues come into play that keep me feeling stuck because they do offer me a place to live, with the payment being abuse from a malignant narcissist. Being in pain from health issues everyday… sometimes not able to walk without pain or exist without pain makes it easier for her to bully , gaslight and emotionally manipulate me. The amount of trauma having to come home has caused has brought me to a place of such loneliness and despair. I live with someone who will seldomly say they love me unless it’s in a fight at some point. I try to do the most I can to work through the health issues I have. My mom tells me I won’t be able to sustain myself on my own despite having done it previous to covid for 6 yrs. Does everything for me before I get a chance to.. to keep me feeling like I can’t do it myself despite having the opportunity to try and learn. So she can try to have control over the situation. It is hard to pull up and fight such an unrelenting force of greed and entitlement. I am so grateful for all my family truly does do for me. And I try to thank them every applicable chance I have. I try my best to stay strong and in return remain on a path of health and progress through the years. As that’s what they “say” they want as repayment. Through all the monthly giant needles in the back and head for pain, through all the weekly therapy, through the chemo, through the bleeding on my hands and feet daily where I can barely walk or change my own clothes, through the depression of fighting so hard for a life that when I almost lost it I had grieved and didn’t want it anymore. Through being told no one will love me for who I am daily, through being fat shamed, through being hated for my illnesses as an “inconvenience” , through the screaming, through being told being assaulted by two long term partners I had was entirely my fault and the fact they have the deal with the “aftermath of its mental affects on me” ( because they see this as a punishment to them that somehow I’m doing to slight them purposefully) 🙄 through every call I end saying “I love you” only to be hung up on… to be told saying it as much as I do makes it mean less. Even though it’s really my inner child desperately wanting to hear it back… I’ve tried to be strong. Everyday I wake up and live another day in pain. Scared and alone. Being manipulated to believe I will never have a future. And that future seems so far away. Like a prize no matter how hard I fight I’ll never see. I still sit here. Alone. And type this. In fear and despair. To let anyone else know. They aren’t alone. I’ve never actually commented on a video ever before. But with the topic hitting so close to home. I was thinking if anyone could say anything to me right now. What would that be? And right now it would be that 1. I am not alone , even though I feel alone. 2. I am not alone , even if I feel invisible to the company or people around me in the world. 3. Even if I don’t feel my life is worth living , every life is worth living. I matter more than I think I do. 4. I have hope that one day abuse will not control my life, happiness, and sense of self. 5. Even if you don’t love yourself right now , especially because of all the bullshit and doubt rammed into your brain on a daily basis. I love you. I love you. And I need to learn to fill myself up with so much love , that her fake , bullshit joke offering of love won’t be something I grab at in desperation for any shred I can get even if it’s fake. Conditional. I am capable of learning to love myself without conditions. Because the fact I’ve made it this far, is proof that maybe underneath all the insecurities and doubt. There truly is someone and somethings worth loving. And I will cherish those gifts. And nurture them. And acknowledge. That even though I try to always be tough and a “ bad bitch”. To armour up for her unrelenting war. That I can in safe places or in solitude acknowledge that what has happened to me and what is happening to me is not okay. And I deserved a parent who loves me in a way that helps me become who I want to be. And as much as I didn’t want to become my own parent in substitution I’ve risen to every challenge. And even badass warriors are allowed to cry when they’re hurt. Because their emotions are valid. If you happened to read this far I hope you know your life is worth living. And as much as I might not feel that way about mine. I’m trying to. And I hope for someone who needs it. That anything I’ve shared , will help them try for another day too. Thank you. Sending love and light with a bunch of badass energy your way. 🔮🌙🔮
I am sorry you're going through all of this 😔 it sounds like a nightmare! You don't deserve to be treated badly by anyone! If someone else hurt you, that is not your fault. I hope you keep telling yourself these things. You seem like a very kind and compassionate person. You must try to use that compassion for yourself now. You deserve it most of all because you really do matter 🩷 I know what it's like to feel stuck and hopeless. You're not alone either 🫶 I hope you can find freedom and have some peace in your life 🙏 You deserve those things. Don't give up. You're so strong for getting this far. I can only imagine what your life must have been like growing up an only child to such a mother. My little sister really kept me going. I don't think i would have made it through without her. So I really mean it when i say you are a badass! 💖
Have you been tested for adhd? If you can get tested, if you have it and can get a px for adderal, then you will have the energy to leave. Then go NC and work on healing.
It's going to be a long fight. The sooner, the better. Good luck.
I learnt pretty recently that asking other people to validate my experience or my identity is basically just giving the authority over my life story away. Nowadays if other people understand where I'm coming from that's great but if they don't it doesn't hurt my sense of self as much as it used to
After a full childhood of constant abuse, the pin pricks hit different because they know they only need to do tiny things to maintain the compliance and keep you down. It's all maintenance phase. You've learned by then, like a kicked dog. It's how they mask what they do. They know how to push your buttons because they installed them, and they've done so in a way that's hard for others to see.
For instance, one seemingly small event always sticks in my memory. I came down to the car where my mom was waiting to take me somewhere as a teenager, and as I walked towards the car, she said through the open window:
Mom (critical): "Your lipstick is too dark."
Me (confused): "I'm not wearing any lipstick."
Mom (offended): "Oh."
Sure that seems benign, but when you factor in the decade and a half she spent controlling everything about my appearance so that I had no autonomy over my own body - not letting me cut or style my hair, not even letting me use the brush I wanted, not letting me choose what clothes to buy, not allowing me to do my nails with anything except that Tinkerbell nail polish that peels off, banning makeup until I was 11 and then being very controlling about it afterwards, etc. etc. - that one seemingly small comment suddenly comes with a LOT of baggage. Nothing was mine, not even my own body There's an understanding that passed between us that basically let me know I was not in compliance and she had a problem with my natural face. The shame of just existing was triggered, just as she'd programmed it to. And all she had to say was "Your lipstick is too dark."
If you've gone no contact or low contact and are doubting yourself i would ask you three questions.
1- "If you let them back in right now, what would your relationship be like?"
2- "if you went out and made a new friend right now, what would that relationship be like?
3- "if the answer to 2 is a better quality of relationship and/or life than the answer to 1, why should you choose them over a stranger?"
Lots of good people out there. No reason to waste time on the ones who don't want the best for you, fam.
This subreddit (and others like it) have been very helpful. Everyone is so kind and they offer very level headed advice.
The first post … the way I describe this phenomenon is “death by a thousand papercuts”
I would say a million but you can probably guess why I’m sensitive to being accused of overstating things 😝
8:53 nooooooo. That is really bad. It’s given them (the parents/any parent horrific or not) far too much respect from you, a stranger.
It also puts you under them in terms of authority. Unless they are calling _you_ by _your_ last name as well, then giving them those titles when they are strangers, and you don’t know them, is a horrible piece of advice.
In my shattered family former unit, even my self obsessed father didn’t insist on anyone (he was out of my life doing his own narc thing by the time I was ten) calling him Mr “Lastname” or even Mr. “first name” even to my friends I had when I was 7 and under. Handing the authority over to people who might, possible, not deserve it, is a good way to get used too.
And if you’re being introduced to parents and the adult children insist it, and the parents don’t correct them… even more reason to as the parents directly. No one needs a friend you can’t help because their parents are toxic and still in their lives. If they were trapped while trying to cut contact, that is different.
You have reason to have met parents in a formal school type setting, it’s not appropriate to call someone Mr/Mrs/Doctor when you’re just meeting your friends parents.
A professor of mind banned “Yes, Sir/No, Sir” from his class because he knew it was automatic from immediate punishment by someone and that it wasn’t a sign of respect at all just an automatic response.
And in my experience, good, mature parents, will laugh it off and insist you call them by their first name and with no title.
I hope you see this comment, 😊
I’ll go as an estranged parent who is reunited
I recently found your channel. I’m finding a lot of healing in hearing some of your experiences. Instant subscription. Thanks for being so upfront and strong. As someone raised in the Latinx community I understand that it can be a struggle. So thank you
I might not have lots of material goods to give my kids, but they will always have a safe harbour with me. I’ll make sure they’ll always be understood, comforted and supported with me. I’ll be their safe place.
My mother is huge on respect and boundaries until it's time for her to follow it. For example, I had been taking my mother to her doctor appointments and repeatedly told her that we couldn't be late. She was told to be there 15 minutes prior which is standard for office visits. I told her I didnt want to speed down the road and have the anxiety of getting a ticket or causing an accident. She turns to me and literally says, "these doctors are running on my time!". She continues.,"They are expecting me to be there 15 minutes early but can't immediately see me when I get there". This was confirmation for me of how insane my mother had become. My mother lives alone and stopped driving which meant I became the taxi driver. Now that I'm married, my husband has become the second taxi driver. When I moved out, my mother lost her mind and also stopped cleaning her home. I didnt want to leave her but she constantly kept kicking me out whenever she deemed me disrespectful. She even yelled at me for keeping the house clean, and told me she didn't need a maid. After I moved out for good, my mother's home became so filthy that none of us were allowed to come inside. Since my mother stopped driving years prior, she would send me a list of everything she needed and I would have to drop everything off at her front door. She refused to even let me inside, my daughter hasn't seen the inside of her grandmothers home since she was 3 years old, she's now 13. I've been married for 8 years now and my husband has never been invited inside. My mother also has a cat which she lets crap all over the home, the smell is god awful. She also stopped caring for herself, she may shower once a month and she smells so badly. One day she finally gathered all her dirty clothes and asked me if she could wash them at my home, which I agreed to. I decided to help by washing the clothes for her, when I untied the bag there was dead roaches, used toilet paper, cat chit and old blood all over the clothes. I had cat chit floating all in my washing machine. I'll admit I overreacted and gave her a hard time about this. I asked her why didnt she check the clothes before hand? I told her it was unsanitary and she argued with me about how indoor cats don't carry diseases. I told her it was still freaking gross and of course she took this as total disrespect. These are just two subjects involving my mother, who refuses to acknowledge how unfair and out of touch she is with reality. I could write an entire book about my childhood and how my mother still controls my adult life. However, I am always happy to find channels such as yours which helps me through it all. It valids my feelings and others are going through the same. New subby! Keep up the good work!
You have a nice soothing voice and calm demeanor. Thank you, Max. I enjoy having you into my home. Pretty lonely person I guess I am...nice of you to share with us
15:03 In terms of that, I feel so bad because I've thought about it simply because I know I'd be free to be myself in a way I don't think I have it in me to be with her in my life in terms of my mum. I don't really want that though.
EP has always been hyper critical of me. Her only child. Criticize my handwriting, criticize the pitch of my voice, criticize my choice of career (hers was no better wtf?) Yet, EP is envious of me, copies me, tries to one-up me. It's pretty fucking weird. Anyway, I am permanently NC so EP can't copy me nor criticize me harshly, ever again. I am FREE!!!!
Unfortunately I was kicked out of this subreddit for arguing with someone because they were saying narcissistic people should not be allowed to live. So I was “defending narcs”. Made me so sad bc I felt so comfortable there and just thought it was unacceptable to say an entire swath of people shouldn’t be allowed to live.
The raised by borderline subreddit is actually pretty disgusting imo. My mom is a diagnosed narc w diagnosed BPD as well. I find it disgusting because of how these conditions are considered essentially the same and that people with BPD are incapable of getting better. Most w BPD were abused by someone w BPD or NPD. 2/3 of ppl with BPD no longer meet the diagnostic criteria after seeking help.
2/3 recover after 5 years is what I mean
Yeah that’s a wild reason to get kicked
@matthewfranklin2137 you don't ever recover from it. You have it for life. There's only coping strategies ect
I grew up with 2 borderlines. .
@ are you a psychiatrist? Didn’t know we had professionals here.
I have a husband with wonderful parents and a brother he is quite close with. I wish I had the relationship he has with his parents. I wish my mom was like his mom. I wish I had parents that accepted me and not just tolerated me. I wish I had parents that respected me. Not only when I am my best, but also when I am not. I feel inadequate and less than in their presence. I feel not enough.
I spent a lot of time on this sub when I first got kicked out, interested to see this video!
they are exhausting for sure!
Hear me out: "I'm gonna go hang out with my dog" as a sign off.
This is a great idea
I'm gonna be so sad the day i say this and she doesn't wanna hang out 😭😭
Eew yeah i know a lady with an ex who stays in contact w her just to keep competing w her. She told him she wants to write a book about their travels and instead he's planning his own book on Carribean travel. She's dropped hints at other stalking type behavior. She needs to stop talking to his weird ass
I'm trans. I've been trying to get my family to care about the problems I'm facing.. then on Monday I got the confirmation that my mom who is the ultimate controller of my family is voting for .. that man. I just have no words for her anymore. I'm done trying to fight to get her to care and listen to me. I'm done.
I'm so sorry. I'm in a similar situation but for a different reason, my son is a cancer survivor with permanent side effects, he relies on the ACA to survive. I begged my dad not to vote for that guy again. He still is.
It's supposedly just a difference of opinion and I'm petty because I'm making it an issue in our relationship but it sure doesn't feel petty when your own flesh and blood is willing to risk your life for the tax breaks.
@amberinthemist7912 oh no, I'm so sorry you're having to go through that. And then everyone tries acting like you are making a fuss when it's something that actually affects your loved ones health and safety.
my brothers keep telling me that I can't let "politics" mess with family so I can relate with that part too. I just want to say "Bruh, my life and safety is significantly affected by him being in office, that should matter to you." But I already have tried.
A new subreddit for me to join? Why Max, you shouldn’t have! 😂💖
I hope you have fun in there 🫡
Everyone seemed really nice to each other
Also really introspective
Lot of thought sharing
@@Maximmmino most of these communities are extremely welcoming and supportive, I’m glad to hear this one is no different. Ty!
It is an interesting subreddit, though i found there being surprisingly few posts detailing actual experiences and lot more posts allong the line of 'have you had x experience too?' Or just a lot of short posts that do not go really into detail with a reason allong the lines of 'I dont want anyone finding out im posting here. Its that bad. I do recall someone posting basically a sort of diary some years ago, chronicalling how their mother handled the ilness and death of their cats. I wonder what happened since they stopped posting at some point.
Btw, ever heard of a channel by the name theramintrees? They made a 2 part vid on how they were unaffected by the death of their abusive mother after going no contact, detailing what motivated it and the path they took to get to that point.
I'll look them up 🙏