Was pulling teeth to get my girlfriend to agree to that thumbnail 🤣 - she's like "why would we act like we're mad at each other if we're not!?" Hope you dig this video! I'm not a relationship coach by any means but these are 3 major tips that have helped me over the years! Ready to change your life? It all starts with asking yourself the right questions. Get the 11 questions to change your life now (free gift for yt subs): www.clarkkegley.com/free-questions
Love / Infatuation / obsession/ whatever the fuck you want to call it is much like being pepper sprayed. It will blind you, leave you disoriented, and at times even make respiration difficult. The whole point is to pull yourself together and behave RATIONALLY, as opposed to paying attention to only what you THINK you see, because you're probably going to be wrong at least a good 75 percent of the time. Then you have the whole issue that it is a zero-sum game after all. Tennis Analogy: You can serve the ball, and then return it several times over; but you can never guarantee that the other side will not fault point. Half the problem with romance and relationships is realizing that you can't control other people, nor will you ever be able to fix them.
That's really dope, actually if you're familiar with Jessica J I bought into her courses and have a tidbit that aligns perfect with what you say. She has an excersize where you write out exactly how you want your dream girl to treat you. You know, makes sandwiches when you're working outside, gives you massages, snuggles you, whatever. Then the next step of the excersize is to write down all of the ways YOU can satisfy those desires for YOURSELF, because she says that you attract what you feel you are. Same with Neville Goddard's "The feeling is the secret" and the law of attraction.
That's the biggest crock of shit I've ever heard that has absolutely zero backing in psychology. It violates the basic principle of opperant conditioning.
In a relationship, the person with the least amount of interest has the most control. That realization taught me a lot about learning to let go of what was not going to work out even if it was something that I was putting everything into...
I whole heartedly believe this statement. Because awhile back when I was pulling away and doing my own thing my bf was actually the needy one and stuff and now that I’m more interested and wanting more attention I’m always hurting now. It sucks man. Working on getting myself back and just doing me
I totally agree with you. My own experience being obsessed on someone didn't give me any good result. Instead, I became more anxious, overthinking, over analyzed, needy. So now I am working on focusing on myself. It is better to focus on myself, self love, self care, change the story inside me.
This was me on my last relationship and it was not healthy. 2020 was the year I worked on myself and over all started appreciating my own company. These experiences will make you more emotionally mature. I am such a better versions of myself right now and I'm really happy. You'll look back and be thankful you made those mistakes.
It would be good if I could actually do stuff, like go to gym, go out and do my hobbies and meet friends, but none of that is possible because of Covid lockdowns, with no end in sight.
@@Leon-xp2zb I read ignorance and desire in a book about 20 years ago. There were 10 other things. Point sort of is that desire is somewhat a form of attachment. The "I want" part of us is holding onto the idea of the desire. I was considering this earlier and came to feel apathy as the way to go. To "not care" about what happens and let what happens be what happened. Sort a "Que Sera Sera" or "Wu Wei" attitude toward the experiences of the karma of causality. However, this does get into ignorance being a part of suffering because ignorance isn't not knowing. Ignorance is knowing and ignoring. Nescience is not knowing. However if you are unattached to any outcome than it becomes your choice in how you perceive the experience and whether you suffer or not becomes your own personal choice.
Yes but unless you are a monk willing to let go everything you shouldn't be trying that shit. Buddha set different rules for monks than other followers knowing that not everyone is ready or willing to let go of all attachment.
I try to just let things be what they are. Worrying about being hurt won’t keep it from happening, it just steals your joy in the moment. You don’t need to worry if they’re going to leave or hurt you, you just need to know that you’ll be okay if they do. Concentrate on what you can control and let go of everything else. If it’s meant for you it won’t need you to hold on so tight
Great way of looking at things. I started doing me, and just letting go and surrendering and being more fluid, stopped overthinking and just let go and detach from the outcome, he started telling me he missed me and asking me to see him. I still am doing me and he is doing him and we are meeting in the middle.
Let them be free so you can see who you're truly dating. If they go on dating sites or get close with someone else, you've done your job vetting them. Now walk away and never look back.
Every time it’s came to me so far when I wasn’t looking for anything, it’s been a total train wreck every time that just keeps getting more and more extreme. My last gf believed in that law of attraction stuff too, but she turned out to be the most psychopathic and manipulative out of all of my 5 or 6 experiences
I effing agree. I’ve been obsessed with having a partner for years, and once I stop putting external circumstances on a pedestal, or people (still external) opportunities started showing up, like never ever before.
@@kristyy2488 The thing of letting go and trusting the universe is.... if he comes back that's okay and if not it's totally fine as well as you ar eon the process of loving yourself more. Don't limit yourself to only one person. Maybe you can attract someone better.
Depends on a context, if they weren’t sure and you weren’t enough the first time. You may not want them the second time. Don’t date people who lacks commitment and can’t be satisfied with simple things.
Yep but the problem is not caring after a while is only going to destroy things and you can never build something strong and make it last if you don't show interest , it's not really a wise statement at this point
@@naturallyunbothered8860 I think they mean don't give your heart away to everyone who dont deserve it. I think being vulnerable is important, but at least the way I see it is be willing to date, but dont give everyone all of you that will just end up in heartbreak after heartbreak before the relationship even properly started. There's someone else out there seeing your worth.
I can empathize. My husband told me he's no longer in love with me. He loves me, but I digress. I've been obsessed with getting him to fall in love again but realized that if I remain my true self and just be whatever is meant to be will be. It's hard though, I cry way too much. I am still mourning the love that used to be there between us.✌️✌️✌️
Sadly I can't help but give daily special attention when it's a woman I'm really into. It's caused me dozens of failed opportunities over the years, and I STILL haven't learned my lesson! Ugh. I just want someone to feel the same as I do towards them. I humbly admit, I have a lot to offer.
for me its ..stop feeling u need me. u need only urself ..ur inner u/ur higher being is the only thing u can really trust to give everything u need, all the correct answers (for all ur lifetimes) stop only loving me with conditions attached we need to be n do what we please without restriction. every1 is equal no1 should be dictating ur life, only u! ..freedom is the opposite to enslavement ..never enslave the 1 u love!! unconditional love it the only way. its the answer to every question, after all. it is the new earth if u want to shift to a higher vibration love n light dear1💕 xxx
people overall are drawn in all areas towards complacency, the faster people learn this and realize they need to be more present things can change for the better significantly
This is what i needed. I became too needy lately and i need to work on that. It's mostly coming from my own loneliness and wanting someone to occupy my loneliness. But i shouldn't need someone to occupy my loneliness. I just need to be more comfortable in that loneliness and turn into a comfortable solitude. It's also coming from the fact that im 28 and a lot of people my age are getting married and lovely families. I need to improve on myself and then attract the people i want in my life. Thank you.
this is the best relationship advice video on youtube; relationships should only ADD to your life, not feel like a full-time job or be ALL of your life. The best thing you can do for EVERYONE you love is love yourself first, so you're able to sufficiently love them.
Yeah, tell that to thousands of years of human history where we lived in tribes and had to rely on other people, which is healthy and natural? Better yet, to tell a group of primates they're making their relational attachments too important. Stop hugging that monkey! Attachment and dependence is important and we definitely should be leaning into each other.
The problem with this logic is that once you pull back your attention and devotion in a relationship and really mean it, after some time, you begin to lose attraction to your partner. So, it won't matter if the other person is then compelled to start "chasing" you. You've checked out.
Not at all if they love you or really like you and you're not giving them attention and makes them want it even more you clearly haven't had a relationship not a real one atleast🤣
I've always tried to put up this macho 'i don't care' sort of facade in a relationship due to TH-cam videos like this because I've misinterpreted them. I think the basic idea is to be happy by yourself or with the other person. But it's okay to get emotionally attached to them as long as it doesn't become needy and obsessive. There's a middle ground between obsession and disinterest, both of which are unattractive
at that point you’ve detached yourself entirely and don’t want anything to do with them. which is fine. i don’t know. it’s paradoxical. it seems we have to care while letting go
I commented a month ago that I wished I could check out...I'm not there yet but it's like the pack I'm carrying just feels a little lighter these days. Things do get easier.
People always over attach because they get their approval from them and their worth is always dependent on other people... It's a mess! And the answer is self-love!
Childhood programming from primary caregivers has done way more damage than any Disney movies. Subconscious programming and core wounds...that inform our narratives of ourselves, the world, and others, is very impactful. While Disney, and many other media realms, have influence....they all build on the foundation of attachment developed in childhood. We’d be resilient against the Disney messages, if our parental attachment was strong, secure. We would carry that throughout, into our relationship to self, to friends and to romantic partners.
You sound like a REAL friend trying to snap me back to reality. I needed this! I am prone to being obsessed with a crush or boyfriend. Im here because I want to change for the better. I know that being obsessed is never healthy. I want to just like or love someone CALMLY and not end up being obsessed over them. Thank you my man!!!
08:08 This reminds me of the best Love related quote I have ever heard: „Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction“ - its by Antoine de saint-exupéry the Author of „The Little Prince“ 🥰
I manifested my husband and it all started with self love and becoming who I wanted to be. I had to better myself and be truly happy first! ♥️ thank you for your content! It is helping a lot of people
many of us will be working our whole lives on self love, and undoing the damage of our childhood, that we will never heal enough to know the love of another. Welcome to Earth :(
This is totally me. I met a woman on a dating app and everything was awesome when we texted. Our first date was awesome too. But she is very educated and has alot of life experiences so I felt like I didn't have anything good to say and thought she was too good for me. I am also not good at flirting or very funny over text. Anyway, we went out more but things went slowly downhill until she told me we don't have chemistry. I did chase her and put her on a pedestal and probably sounded needy although she would never say. But my mood during the day was based on how much and what she was texting me. She was all I thought about and my brain froze and I couldn't live in the moment. I cared too much and made it worse.
This was the best video. I took a break from this guy I was involved with because I was too needy and it would cause me depression. He is emotionally independent. He is affectionate and attentive but not over bearing . He is the healthy kind where as I was not. I had this warped idea of what 'love is' or how a person who likes you would behave without realizing that it was all a lie. The way he treats me is what a relationship should be like. Although we weren't in a relationship so of course that made my neediness even worse because I was afraid to lose him. Anyway, I made the decision to take a break from speaking to him to manage my depression and work on myself. This video really help me understand more of why I am so needy. I definitely mistook that for love. I don't know what love is as ive never experienced healthy love. He definitely loves his freedom. This video helped me realized that I am not okay. I need to fix within. I want to be interdependent. That will be what I work on. Thank you.
You attract what you are, not what you want. Powerful words. Focus on yourself and how you can lead your own fulfilling life, and everything else will eventually fall into place.
How are you doing today getting nice to see you here I’m I love the video I’m single looking for serious relationship I’m be single for over a good 6 years I don’t see serious relationship I’m looking for relationship if you don’t made I will talk here
The biggest problem is there is too much emphasis on socializing and relationships in this day and age. It's easy to start feeling anxious and needy. You start comparing if you're alone a lot. It's an unhealthy age of overthinking IMO.
I think it’s also important to address one of the reasons we do this. Many people, most I would say, don’t like themselves, love themselves, or even hate themselves. A lot of the time we are our own worst critic, and our worst enemy. Because we know all our flaws, we know all our past failures or mistakes. But other people don’t. So it is easier to seek and convince someone else to like you and validate you, than it is to convince yourself. And once we have that person that does this for us, that gives us what we were sorely lacking from within ourselves, we hold on and don’t let go. This attachment of course creates a cage for the other person. And what is the most natural reaction to being in a cage … ? Eventually the other person “escapes.” Once they are lost, and we forget the past joys we had with them. We are only left with one relationship instead of two. We often forget THIS relationship, because it isn’t taught. But it is the MOST IMPORTANT one to focus on before you even start dating others. *The relationship with ourselves. * We go from fun, joy, love, sex, and companionship. To the voice inside our heads that know all our fuck-ups and shortcomings. And the cycle continues… We look for a new person to save us from the toxic relationship with our own minds. Or we obsess over the past one in order to try to rekindle and forget the inner relationship we’re left with. But the most important thing I’ve started to learn is… that we must stop repeating the same old cycle. We must first directly confront ourselves. Stare directly at us inwardly, with as little bias as possible, and ask: “ Why am I so toxic with myself? ” From this simple question which has NO simple answer (it usually stems from childhood , past traumas , past relationships , likely our first real relationship ) We can form a basis for understanding and healing our own intrinsic relationship. I believe that is the most paramount for our growth as a person , and our growth as a partner.
Knowing that you played a role in their distance hurts like hell but I'm so grateful I found this video. Thank you for the wisdom and keep sharing the awareness!
The best advice I can give to anyone who doesn’t want to be disappointed in a relationship is learn to love yourself first after that relations are easier and you stop caring that much about what other half thinks does etc.
I loved this person to a point that i wanted to do the things they did i wanted to love the music they loved ...i wanted to watch what they watched ...my happiness depended on them... I think i was so obsessed that they pushed me away....but i now realize im lucky they did cause i was seriously losing myself....letting go isnt easy...but i know i will
I cared for him alot.. I mean i didn't care for anyone in my life like him but he didn't care for me when I needed him.. Didn't even ask "hey are you ok?".. Didn't call him after that deleted his number. . .i learned my lesson.. Relationship should be like a two way street.. One sided doesn't work.. 😊
I needed to see this today. My partner and I have been going through some rough patches that are incredibly complicated and hard to sort out. I view our relationship as important and I put significant amounts of energy into it because I view it as building our future but she doesn’t put equal amounts of effort into it. This leave me feeling like she feels she doesn’t need to try because I’m doing all of the work and leaves me feeling frustrated like I’m carrying the entire thing on my back. I’m going to start consciously focusing on myself and my freedom first and let her come to me. I guess I was sending out signals that she’s more important than I am but really I’m just focused on building a relationship that is strong and will stand the tests of time. Going to be changing focus now, thank you 🙏🏼
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Literally summer up what I'm going through right. I put so much effort in and it's so hard. I feel like an idiot but scared to not put effort incase it crumbles
I feel you. I am also highly invested as I felt he’s worth it, and we are worth it. But he’s rather detached and his coldness really gets to me. And I find myself wanting him more cos it’s so hard to get to him. Letting go of him is hard as well. It has been such a struggle For me love is very simple. It’s about wanting a life together, it’s about wanting to spend time together. It’s about not having to play games, not having to think so much about whether im needy or not. It’s about just wanting to be by your side whenever I can. But in modern times, this is seen as desperate or even wrong When I love, I give my all. I don’t want to hold back. Love is so hard.
Everyone that I have known that was great at finding a relationship was open and not attached to the outcome. They have boundaries, but don't wear it on their sleeve. If it works, it works. If it doesn't, it doesn't. If you don't project desires on to others, they cannot disappoint you and failed relationship are less painful. This was a great video!
Actually some plants that some may find a great love and beauty for, are considered weeds in other places. I have a great love for poppy flowers, but other places they are common and not special at all.
It's hard to stop obsessing about a relationship with a narcissist that went totally horrible out of nowhere. Because most narcissists don't care what they do to people. And when they get bored they tear their ass with no warning.
That is so true but the key to this is understanding that the person IS a narcissist. Nothing you can do could make that relationship better. It is their choice and their flaws and they don't give a shit about you. It is easier to move on then when you realise there's nothing you can do to help them and let them live their shitty live forever.
Yea it sucks especially when they love bomb you at the beginning . So you give them that unconditional love and then the abuse steps in . That is what the hell happened why are you ripping my heart out with no anesthesia! Beware of the narcissist
I can relate to all of this but I’m a dude. Mine also verbally told me that she just was a slow lover and that it’d just take time and that I needed to be patient, of course after the 2 first months of love bomb. 2 years later and all intimacy stopped, wouldn’t even kiss me anymore, only called me sounding interested in me when she had a flat tire or needed help moving something etc and would only make time to hang out super late at night if all her friends weren’t available and I was her last option for entertainment, entertainment meaning me just driving her around while she stared at her phone or slept. Her excuse for the last 8 months when I asked why she’s treating me just as a friend instead of a companion was “I’m super stressed”. Yea, super stressed unless I can be useful to you right? Would never break it off cuz she used me as a tool, but after 6 months, the fake love disguise faded to 0 effort to even hide the fact anymore. Hurts. But just like all you, the small chance of “but what if I just try a little more or give just a little more time” always sits in the back of my head. Really sucks
Beautiful video! I just got out of a relationship where my girlfriend was the obsessive one and I was the one who felt smothered. You are totally right, our need for freedom as humans absolutely supersedes our need for love. She’s the one who ultimately broke up with me because she wanted that codependent style of love and I didn’t want that! She didn’t trust that I was there for her and that I loved her, even when I didn’t want to do the same things as her. It still definitely really hurts, but I know it’s for the best and I know there’s someone out there for me that will give me that interdependent love that I need.
Thank you for sharing. 🙂 The interdependent relationship sounds wonderful. I don't agree with the codependency explanation. I am healing from codependency and attachment trauma and I never wanted to hang out with someone 24/7 or texting someone the whole time. Codependency often has its roots in childhood and comes with intense feelings of fear of loss and abandonment. A codependent person has poor or no boundaries, tends to be a people pleaser, lacks self-love and therefore chases for love. Codependency is more than being needy. It's painful and no, it's not attractive.
That actually explains my ex. Her boundaries were terrible. Said "I would have done anything for you". Very unhealthy boundaries. You actually explained it so well
He probably left because of something going on within his own life. Don’t blame yourself but if you love yourself fully as much each day you will be most ready to keep the good people as they come and let go of the people that don’t fit
I have been in a relationship for almost 8 years. It started all wrong (long story). Either way, what we have is not love, it is co-dependency and we are "used" to each other. I have started this wonderful journey of self-love and self-discovery and have discovered that our love / relationship is not what it should be. We are growing apart and I know the right thing to do is to call it quits. We don't know what we are holding on to, yet, we are still together. Deep inside, I know that right thing to do is go our separate ways, yet is hard and it hurts somehow. Decisions, decisions, decisions 🤔😕 When you literally lose yourself for the other person, it is not a healthy and prosperous relationship!
First of all LOVE, is a verb and not a noun. You can say it all day long but it doesn't mean anything until you show it. Your ability to let go of someone who doesn't love you, is also a reflection of how much you love yourself.
My eyes and mind has been opened. I never knew these 3 types of love. Thank you for this. I was in a dependent relationship. I was dependent on him. Now I know where I went wrong. And the more I kept trying to “LOVE” him the worse. I understand now. He always spoke about wanting to be free and not be controlled. I understand it so much more clearly. 🤯 why do we not teach people this? Ugh! If I know this. I could have left a long time ago! Oh well I’m here now and I understand now. Thank you I am obsessed with him. Now I know how to break it.
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I cried reading the comments because I could relate to a lot of things people said in the comments. I find myself in a dependent relationship (I'm the dependent) and it really got to me when he said that dependent relationships are not love, it's an ego love. I REALLY don't wanna be in an ego love. Found myself doubting if my boyfriend really loved me, but after watching this video I realized I've been pushing him away with my ego love. He actually might love me more than I love him because he's in a very independent position. I've given him full control of our relationship. I need to focus on me and control myself. That's what attracted him to me and that's what'll keep attracting him. But it's SO difficult because I keep thinking I should be in a fairy tail love like the ones in the movies (codependent love), and I loved how the guy in the video mentioned codependent love is a childish love.
@Tyler Lee it's been a week since I saw that video. I can tell you I'm making a lot of effort to not have selfish thoughts and focusing on having an independent relationship. That's my goal right there. A mature relationship. It's going great! I used to wake up with a lot of anxiety and I haven't been feeling like that anymore. I stopped worrying so much about what my boyfriend thinks of me. It still can happen tho, I still feel like I'm not totally independent. Baby steps!
One day, I was on the brink of losing my mind over this girl until I stumbled upon this video and your advice…. God damn man you saved me, opened up my eyes and I had a paradigm shift. Thank you for your wisdom and help brother, extremely valuable content 🙏🏽💛
I needed to see this video. I feel like I have been a little too nice. A little too needy. Expecting people to be there when I need them. Expecting them to have the same heart and loyalty as me. Those days are over. I refuse to chase or beg. I am worthy. I need to set better boundaries. Let them know “ I love you, but I love myself more.”And accept the fact that people are not gonna always be there for me when I need them. I have to learn how to be there for myself. Lesson learned 💯❤️
I just found this video and I want to say thank you. I now realize that I was the problem. I was to controlling / possessive on wanting “Love”. I wish I had watching this video several months ago. But that’s life and you live and learn. Thank you.
Full disclosure, I asked my boyfriend to put a camera in his apartment so I could monitor him when we were apart, sooo unattractive of me. I thought it would help with my trust issues but it only made them more magnified. I've been studying the art of detachment recently and he and I have never felt closer. Great content 👌, thanks for sharing!
Yeah I feel like a comment I made might have weirded them out which is why they ended it because for me sometimes I says things I never meant to say or intentionally come across as weird or codependent however that being said I realized after self reflecting i realize how I wasn't perfect as I realized I have traits of emotional dependency during that which isn't healthy at all and I'm already taking steps to get the help I need to become more emotionally independent and self reliant here!
I went from getting woman left and right to being sprung on one that, could care less. Ima tell you exactly how to overcome it. -If she ain’t reaching out let her go. -Focus on yourself, realize that no matter what you the baddest and always gonna be the baddest periodt. -Mediation/Prayer everyday for at least 5 minutes. Will clear your mind and help with anxiety majorly. Now I’m not saying it’s automatically gonna take the pain away but I promise. I’m at the point to where I just gotta better myself. And this is the start to it. I’ll be back in about a month and let you guys know that my ex wants me back now that I’ve moved on and bettered my self. Watch. Speak into existence. And watch it manifest.
Sending you love and prayers. I'm in a very complicated situation with my husband of 14 years. I am learning to just let go and let be and believe that what is meant to be or not to be will be. If that makes sense...🌻🌻🙏🏻🙏🏻✌️✌️♥️♥️🔆🔆 Peace, Rachel🌻🌻🌻
I forgot to come back lol, my bad. No we ended up going our separate ways, looking back now. I wish I would’ve earlier I’ve way more happy then I was before. I had to hit rock bottom again to realize my own self worth. It’s gonna sound rude but I’ve recently just started talking to someone whose much more caring and appealing. So what I’m getting at here is if it’s REALLY meant to be. It’ll work out. But don’t “EVA” chase after anyone that doesn’t want you. We gotta know our worth, and it’s dang sure not chasing after someone who doesn’t want us.
Here’s something odd, I seen my ex the other day for the first time since our break up. I was with someone else, and we talked briefly. She walked away crying before I could ask how she was. Point I’m making is, they had their chance. I begged and pleaded for two months. She didn’t want me until I found someone else I was interested in. Don’t fall for the pity party. Yes I still and always will have feelings for you her. But we are better then that people!
Hey man, as someone who has been in a 10 year thing that I've had the hardest time letting go of, this has helped tremendously. Just wanted to say thanks.
I just broke up with my girlfriend. I feel this “anxiety” in my chest each day and find it hard to participate in conversations socially, I can only think about her and how she’s feeling. I believe our 6 month relationship was co dependent which makes it hard for both of us to move in right now. It’s been over a month and it’s getting better but still fighting that daily anxiety. Hopefully we can find inner peace ❤️ thanks for the video
Sometimes it is right to give the person an answer for stringing them along for years. There is nothing worse than being used and not holding a person accountable for using another person. There is a need, we all have a need. We all do the same things to each other. Don’t use others. There is no excuse nor reason for that.
How are you doing today getting nice to see you here I’m I love the video I’m single looking for serious relationship I’m be single for over a good 6 years I don’t see serious relationship I’m looking for relationship if you don’t made I will talk here
The sunset analogy is spot on because I feel jealous when this person is not talking to me or laughing at my jokes. And then I can’t stop thinking about it and then feeling angry and I know it’s unfair to be angry. So my tactic is just avoidance. I’m just trying to get better at being fair and not embarrassingly jealous. But even when I try to be normal, my big issue is just being nervous anytime I am talking to this person. No matter what I do. I stutter. And I leave any conversation either. Feeling happy that it went well or really depressed that I didn’t. And then I start to second-guess my entire life.
Why does love have to have a set of rules ? I honestly done believe it does. Love how you want to. Love 100 percent if that’s how you feel. Love isn’t something you can put into a box and just take it out when it’s convenient. I’ve spent most of my life. In a dark hole where love didn’t exist. The only thing I’m good at is loving. If that’s to much for someone. Then find someone who can handle it. Simple. Why should I have to change the way I love for someone. I think most Need lots of love. Because they’ve spent years. Not getting enough love. Being in relationships getting lied to cheated on abused. Don’t let the past dictate your future. Love as much as you can.
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I agree only so long as it doesn't become obsessive and controlling, where that love becomes manipulative and not affectionate. I'm from a warrior breed and susceptible to overprotective and that manifested as controlling to my now ex Fiancé. But yes, someone will appreciate your love.
Okay, this was extremely insightful. I always thought I was wrong in wanting to enjoy the moments 'shared' with that said person instead of just admiring them. The example puts things in a lot clearer perspective. Thank you! :)
When you love someone you just enjoy their company you do your life like you were doing before you met them they do theirs and then you end up eventually just simply making time for each other but not in a forceful way
I think this is the kind of thing that takes some deep introspection to resolve. The science identified in this video is spot on but you have to go deeper and identify why you are behaving in the ways you are. Also think it is important to acknowledge that life is nowhere close to fair and that everyone has some level of need for social interaction. In my experience, most of the people I've met who struggle with dependency or codependency got that way because their environment wasn't fulfilling their social needs. I think it is hilariously ironic how people will criticize dependency in one breath and neglect to acknowledge the attention they are receiving from others in the next. I'm not going to tell you I condone dependent behavior, but it is absolutely factual that everyone's social experience is widely varied. Some people find themselves in the situation where they are constantly just giving to others who aren't giving anything back to them. One of the healthiest things you have to learn during your young adult years is that if you're putting effort into connecting with someone who isn't giving you anything back, you have to address it and then move on if it continues. Those sort of situations aren't your fault and they don't make you inherently needy unless you choose to stick around past the expiration date. Life is too short to constantly chase people who don't respect you. People in these sorts of situations are not shameful and absolutely deserve empathy. It's a tough spot to be in.
Thanks Ryan your message cheers me up.i have cptsd and autism. I have just started dating again after 11 years,has been a real nightmare for me and I suffer a whole range of intense emotions when things do not work out,that most people just brush off.I get really strong feelings of shame,guilt,embarrassment at simple things like rejection.Iam learning and improving all the time but it is nice to hear a good message.
When you have OCD it's harder :( It's like obsessing is my default and I have to try and try and try every moment not to. It's exhausting. The idea of being overly-attached is so true. The fixation just completely throws you off balance.
If you’ve got to the time to read this, please do… I watched this exact video maybe 2 months ago when I first started seeing this girl, not because I felt I needed to but because it just popped up in my suggested videos. Anyway, I gave it a watch and was astonished at how well I was handling this “girl situation”. I wasn’t attached, i didn’t feel like I NEEDED her as such, it was just going really well at the time. Fast forward 2 months and I’ve found myself looking up “how to detach from someone you love” videos and it brought me back to this. And as I watch it for a second time, I have complete opposite feelings, I’m getting defensive over what he’s saying, trying to find ways to make myself feel better about being so attached to this girl. But I’ve had to pull myself up on it, only because I remember how I felt the first time I saw this… It sucks man, the fact that you can feel so strong minded one minute, to feeling like a child with no self control the next, is actually mental. All I wanna say is, to anyone out there feeling like they’re getting too attached, we’ve got this. Both you and I💪
I agree with what you said about the different kinds of love, but I disagree with the idea that freedom “supersedes” love. What I think is more accurate is that freedom is a vital component OF love in its highest form and without it you aren’t actually experiencing love. But more people kill themselves because of a perceived lack of love than a perceived lack of freedom. Freedom does not supersede love.
Thank you, just lost my relationship because of my controlling tendencies. I love them a lot but it was a wake up call, they still are very hurt and I just really want them to do well...
Man, now I feel like crap after watching this. I had a huge crush on someone a long time ago and in hindsight that I came off as too dependent or obsessed. I wrote some emails that now days make me so cringe... Could have used this 20+ years ago. I was way too clingy and needed to chill and work on myself.
If you really dont care about your partner -- you are checked out. You want to break up and move on. If you are obsessed about your partner you are controlled and over obsessed. Its hard to find that middle ground.
This straight up explains everything in me and my recent breakup. At first we were codependent and a year and a half in my financial past bit me in the ass and I became so dependent on her. I'm taking this time now to better myself financially, physically and mentally. I have a goal to make the time to come much better. Maybe we get back together in the best versions of ourselves or not I'll be ok no matter the decision. This is what I needed to better understand myself.
Most people get caught up in a situation where they fall deeply in love with someone that gives them all they’ve been looking for in a relationship, they feel that comfort and security whereas the person does not actually love them. How can you get out of such situations?
Wow it's crazy she was making me do everything she wanted and I did but then she totally ghosted me I became so damm obsessed and needy I am still winding down from it! This video describes me to a tee! Ty for your insight and explanation of what this is!
I have dependence on my girlfriend, however, I know it is not right and I am working on it, I do not let her know about this and I respect myself a lot, as I said I know this is not good. I let her be, even sometimes it puts me very anxious I give her the freedom and the space. I really wish I can fix this soon.
Was pulling teeth to get my girlfriend to agree to that thumbnail 🤣 - she's like "why would we act like we're mad at each other if we're not!?" Hope you dig this video! I'm not a relationship coach by any means but these are 3 major tips that have helped me over the years! Ready to change your life? It all starts with asking yourself the right questions. Get the 11 questions to change your life now (free gift for yt subs): www.clarkkegley.com/free-questions
Be free of control. The book "30 Days to Stop Giving a Shit" by Corin Devaso is a good read.
I would love to buy your book
Love / Infatuation / obsession/ whatever the fuck you want to call it is much like being pepper sprayed. It will blind you, leave you disoriented, and at times even make respiration difficult. The whole point is to pull yourself together and behave RATIONALLY, as opposed to paying attention to only what you THINK you see, because you're probably going to be wrong at least a good 75 percent of the time. Then you have the whole issue that it is a zero-sum game after all. Tennis Analogy: You can serve the ball, and then return it several times over; but you can never guarantee that the other side will not fault point. Half the problem with romance and relationships is realizing that you can't control other people, nor will you ever be able to fix them.
Oh yes
🤣 I hear her. Lol.
If you don't love you... you'll always be chasing people who don't love you either.
That's really dope, actually if you're familiar with Jessica J I bought into her courses and have a tidbit that aligns perfect with what you say. She has an excersize where you write out exactly how you want your dream girl to treat you. You know, makes sandwiches when you're working outside, gives you massages, snuggles you, whatever. Then the next step of the excersize is to write down all of the ways YOU can satisfy those desires for YOURSELF, because she says that you attract what you feel you are. Same with Neville Goddard's "The feeling is the secret" and the law of attraction.
That's the biggest crock of shit I've ever heard that has absolutely zero backing in psychology. It violates the basic principle of opperant conditioning.
Damn😐
❤️
Dam😔
In a relationship, the person with the least amount of interest has the most control. That realization taught me a lot about learning to let go of what was not going to work out even if it was something that I was putting everything into...
True.
True I think I read that in a PUA book lol
Yessss
I whole heartedly believe this statement. Because awhile back when I was pulling away and doing my own thing my bf was actually the needy one and stuff and now that I’m more interested and wanting more attention I’m always hurting now. It sucks man. Working on getting myself back and just doing me
I definitely agree with this
I totally agree with you. My own experience being obsessed on someone didn't give me any good result. Instead, I became more anxious, overthinking, over analyzed, needy. So now I am working on focusing on myself. It is better to focus on myself, self love, self care, change the story inside me.
This was me on my last relationship and it was not healthy. 2020 was the year I worked on myself and over all started appreciating my own company. These experiences will make you more emotionally mature. I am such a better versions of myself right now and I'm really happy. You'll look back and be thankful you made those mistakes.
Glad I'm not alone
@@anako1976 no, you are not alone. Let's change for the better together.
It would be good if I could actually do stuff, like go to gym, go out and do my hobbies and meet friends, but none of that is possible because of Covid lockdowns, with no end in sight.
Woah that’s exactly me
"Attachment is the root of all suffering"
- Buddha
Facts
Wasnt it desire not attachment?
@@Leon-xp2zb I read ignorance and desire in a book about 20 years ago. There were 10 other things. Point sort of is that desire is somewhat a form of attachment. The "I want" part of us is holding onto the idea of the desire. I was considering this earlier and came to feel apathy as the way to go. To "not care" about what happens and let what happens be what happened. Sort a "Que Sera Sera" or "Wu Wei" attitude toward the experiences of the karma of causality. However, this does get into ignorance being a part of suffering because ignorance isn't not knowing. Ignorance is knowing and ignoring. Nescience is not knowing. However if you are unattached to any outcome than it becomes your choice in how you perceive the experience and whether you suffer or not becomes your own personal choice.
I thought it was money
Yes but unless you are a monk willing to let go everything you shouldn't be trying that shit. Buddha set different rules for monks than other followers knowing that not everyone is ready or willing to let go of all attachment.
I try to just let things be what they are. Worrying about being hurt won’t keep it from happening, it just steals your joy in the moment. You don’t need to worry if they’re going to leave or hurt you, you just need to know that you’ll be okay if they do. Concentrate on what you can control and let go of everything else. If it’s meant for you it won’t need you to hold on so tight
Great way of looking at things. I started doing me, and just letting go and surrendering and being more fluid, stopped overthinking and just let go and detach from the outcome, he started telling me he missed me and asking me to see him. I still am doing me and he is doing him and we are meeting in the middle.
Like "if it's meant to be it will be".
thank you.
Thank you
Thank you
"If you're offering something and it's not taken then perhaps you should be offering it somewhere else" - Jordan B. Peterson
I love that quote!
Not a bad quote but any time anyone starts mentioning Peterson that's a red flag lol
❤️❤️
what lecture/interview did he say this in? i love jp's work and would love to view
That is a wonderful quote
You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.
On the other hand there should be boundaries...For example my ex went on a dating site. I got mad and she dumped me lol
She basically cheated you
Let them be free so you can see who you're truly dating. If they go on dating sites or get close with someone else, you've done your job vetting them. Now walk away and never look back.
Ahhh Coach Corey Wayne lingo!! 👌 Steve def read the book 10-15 times 😂 good job bro, I dig it 👍
@@DavidJasonPerezTV ayoooooo Corey Wayne! 3% Man!
If you let go, it comes to you.
Even applicable in Laws of Attraction
Every time it’s came to me so far when I wasn’t looking for anything, it’s been a total train wreck every time that just keeps getting more and more extreme. My last gf believed in that law of attraction stuff too, but she turned out to be the most psychopathic and manipulative out of all of my 5 or 6 experiences
I effing agree. I’ve been obsessed with having a partner for years, and once I stop putting external circumstances on a pedestal, or people (still external) opportunities started showing up, like never ever before.
I don't dare to try... As it leaves a hope, what if he doesn't come back.
@@kristyy2488 The thing of letting go and trusting the universe is.... if he comes back that's okay and if not it's totally fine as well as you ar eon the process of loving yourself more. Don't limit yourself to only one person. Maybe you can attract someone better.
Depends on a context, if they weren’t sure and you weren’t enough the first time. You may not want them the second time. Don’t date people who lacks commitment and can’t be satisfied with simple things.
"When you don't care, that indifference makes you attractive."
-George Costanza
So true, I only seem to get attention when I act indifferent.
I’m naturally that: Capricorn
Yep but the problem is not caring after a while is only going to destroy things and you can never build something strong and make it last if you don't show interest , it's not really a wise statement at this point
Because people want what they can't have. Simple as that.
Sad but so true..
When you are dating and thinking of getting into a relationship with someone, always guard your heart and be willing to walk away from it.
But how?
This. Wish I learned this earlier.
Guard how? Build gates around it?
@@naturallyunbothered8860 I think they mean don't give your heart away to everyone who dont deserve it. I think being vulnerable is important, but at least the way I see it is be willing to date, but dont give everyone all of you that will just end up in heartbreak after heartbreak before the relationship even properly started. There's someone else out there seeing your worth.
Proverbs 4:23
"freedom is a higher need than love" wow 🤯
666
How profound...✌️🔆🔆🌻🌻🙏🏻🙏🏻
TRUEE!!! my free will is more important than whether or not somebody else loves me truly
Not at all.
@@BG-sq7zf what the fuck lmao
its annoying because I know how true all of this is yet I am still obsessed with the idea of co-dependant love
Same. I love when a man like, worships me lol and no matter how hard I try I can’t become interested in healthy style of relationships 🤷🏻♀️
It’s not wrong to want somebody that will be obsessed with you just like will be with them. I’m the type to act that way only if it’s reciprocated.
Amen. Ughh.
I can empathize. My husband told me he's no longer in love with me. He loves me, but I digress. I've been obsessed with getting him to fall in love again but realized that if I remain my true self and just be whatever is meant to be will be. It's hard though, I cry way too much. I am still mourning the love that used to be there between us.✌️✌️✌️
Sadly I can't help but give daily special attention when it's a woman I'm really into. It's caused me dozens of failed opportunities over the years, and I STILL haven't learned my lesson! Ugh. I just want someone to feel the same as I do towards them. I humbly admit, I have a lot to offer.
For me, it’s when the other person stops doing what they used to do when they were trying to pursue you once they’ve got you.
for me its ..stop feeling u need me.
u need only urself ..ur inner u/ur higher being is the only thing u can really trust to give everything u need, all the correct answers (for all ur lifetimes)
stop only loving me with conditions attached we need to be n do what we please without restriction. every1 is equal no1 should be dictating ur life, only u! ..freedom is the opposite to enslavement ..never enslave the 1 u love!!
unconditional love it the only way. its the answer to every question, after all.
it is the new earth if u want to shift to a higher vibration
love n light dear1💕 xxx
Is the expectation to keep doing it for the rest of life?
YOOOO say it louder sis 👏🏼👏🏼 that inconsistency is what triggers my anxiety. Like which version are you bro?! I fell for the first guy.
people overall are drawn in all areas towards complacency, the faster people learn this and realize they need to be more present things can change for the better significantly
This
This is what i needed. I became too needy lately and i need to work on that. It's mostly coming from my own loneliness and wanting someone to occupy my loneliness. But i shouldn't need someone to occupy my loneliness. I just need to be more comfortable in that loneliness and turn into a comfortable solitude. It's also coming from the fact that im 28 and a lot of people my age are getting married and lovely families. I need to improve on myself and then attract the people i want in my life. Thank you.
I'm in that right now man.
Working on that myself as we speak my friend. Thanks for sharing.
Same here and about 2x your age
Workout and get an sports car lol... Its shallow but
Remember, not everyone in relationships now will stay that way. They may be single at 40 and you'll be the one in a relationship. Life is weird.
this is the best relationship advice video on youtube; relationships should only ADD to your life, not feel like a full-time job or be ALL of your life. The best thing you can do for EVERYONE you love is love yourself first, so you're able to sufficiently love them.
I,,, know,,,, who,,,, can,,,, help,,,, you,,,, w,,h,, a,, t,,z,, z,, +1-2-0-4-5-0-0-1-6-6-2
get your ex back or restore someone you love
this comment made me realize that my relationship was like a full-time job and i only noticed now 😮
Yeah, tell that to thousands of years of human history where we lived in tribes and had to rely on other people, which is healthy and natural?
Better yet, to tell a group of primates they're making their relational attachments too important. Stop hugging that monkey!
Attachment and dependence is important and we definitely should be leaning into each other.
The problem with this logic is that once you pull back your attention and devotion in a relationship and really mean it, after some time, you begin to lose attraction to your partner. So, it won't matter if the other person is then compelled to start "chasing" you. You've checked out.
Not at all if they love you or really like you and you're not giving them attention and makes them want it even more you clearly haven't had a relationship not a real one atleast🤣
I've always tried to put up this macho 'i don't care' sort of facade in a relationship due to TH-cam videos like this because I've misinterpreted them. I think the basic idea is to be happy by yourself or with the other person. But it's okay to get emotionally attached to them as long as it doesn't become needy and obsessive. There's a middle ground between obsession and disinterest, both of which are unattractive
at that point you’ve detached yourself entirely and don’t want anything to do with them. which is fine. i don’t know. it’s paradoxical. it seems we have to care while letting go
At this point I wish I could check out...
I commented a month ago that I wished I could check out...I'm not there yet but it's like the pack I'm carrying just feels a little lighter these days. Things do get easier.
People always over attach because they get their approval from them and their worth is always dependent on other people... It's a mess! And the answer is self-love!
Disney messed up a lot of folks. Thanks for the deep dig conversation.
...and not just Disney. Hollywood in general.
Bollywood movies are no different 😜
I'm starting to believe my child is only going to watch Tom and Jerry :'D
And soap operas 😂
Childhood programming from primary caregivers has done way more damage than any Disney movies.
Subconscious programming and core wounds...that inform our narratives of ourselves, the world, and others, is very impactful.
While Disney, and many other media realms, have influence....they all build on the foundation of attachment developed in childhood.
We’d be resilient against the Disney messages, if our parental attachment was strong, secure. We would carry that throughout, into our relationship to self, to friends and to romantic partners.
You sound like a REAL friend trying to snap me back to reality. I needed this! I am prone to being obsessed with a crush or boyfriend. Im here because I want to change for the better. I know that being obsessed is never healthy. I want to just like or love someone CALMLY and not end up being obsessed over them. Thank you my man!!!
I feel the same!!
Hi
08:08 This reminds me of the best Love related quote I have ever heard:
„Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction“ - its by Antoine de saint-exupéry the Author of „The Little Prince“ 🥰
Great quote.
Your right dear
I manifested my husband and it all started with self love and becoming who I wanted to be. I had to better myself and be truly happy first! ♥️ thank you for your content! It is helping a lot of people
Amarillo trying to figure out manifesting. So, you got your husband back?
@@antilaw9911 I have a few videos on my channel. I manifested my husband as in the relationship with him. I have a step by step video about it.
Thank God🥺❤️❤️I’m happy for you
@@nooranoora702 aww thank you ♥️💕
many of us will be working our whole lives on self love, and undoing the damage of our childhood, that we will never heal enough to know the love of another. Welcome to Earth :(
This is totally me. I met a woman on a dating app and everything was awesome when we texted. Our first date was awesome too. But she is very educated and has alot of life experiences so I felt like I didn't have anything good to say and thought she was too good for me. I am also not good at flirting or very funny over text. Anyway, we went out more but things went slowly downhill until she told me we don't have chemistry. I did chase her and put her on a pedestal and probably sounded needy although she would never say. But my mood during the day was based on how much and what she was texting me. She was all I thought about and my brain froze and I couldn't live in the moment. I cared too much and made it worse.
how did you start not thinking about her (if you dont think about her anymore) and re-direct your thoughts on genuine good stuff?
I have been feeling the same way but with a guy who is ghosting/breadcrumbing me. I want to stop caring but I can’t.
I’m going through the same thing
Im going through exactly the same thing as you, its like my brain has stopped working
I am going through exactly the same thing now😂
This was the best video. I took a break from this guy I was involved with because I was too needy and it would cause me depression. He is emotionally independent. He is affectionate and attentive but not over bearing . He is the healthy kind where as I was not. I had this warped idea of what 'love is' or how a person who likes you would behave without realizing that it was all a lie. The way he treats me is what a relationship should be like. Although we weren't in a relationship so of course that made my neediness even worse because I was afraid to lose him. Anyway, I made the decision to take a break from speaking to him to manage my depression and work on myself. This video really help me understand more of why I am so needy. I definitely mistook that for love. I don't know what love is as ive never experienced healthy love. He definitely loves his freedom. This video helped me realized that I am not okay. I need to fix within. I want to be interdependent. That will be what I work on. Thank you.
You are okay❤️
7 months later and I am healthier ! Wow, what God can do in 7 months!!!! This is a real testimony.
That's great, but it wasn't God it was you. You made yourself better no thing or no body just you
All the Best to and for you, sweetheart.
I hope you’re well!
I was wondering, are you and the guy together? If so, how did you guys work through your neediness and codependency together?
"Your love makes me stronger, your indifference makes me invincible."
You attract what you are, not what you want.
Powerful words. Focus on yourself and how you can lead your own fulfilling life, and everything else will eventually fall into place.
The universe brought this to me when I needed it the most! Thank you so much!
Same
God will bring you so much more love, all he needs is your full trust in him and he’ll give you eternal happiness and life🥺❤️
Same here
Same
Same
You singlehandedly gave me the answers I needed to find closure in my failed relationship. Thank you
How you doing now my man?
@@andresmontilla5028 wasted 4 years just the other day bro
@@eviathan8991it’s not a waste brother. Learning experience. Everything happens for a reason just need to find the right angle to view it from
How are you doing today getting nice to see you here I’m I love the video I’m single looking for serious relationship I’m be single for over a good 6 years I don’t see serious relationship I’m looking for relationship if you don’t made I will talk here
The biggest problem is there is too much emphasis on socializing and relationships in this day and age. It's easy to start feeling anxious and needy. You start comparing if you're alone a lot. It's an unhealthy age of overthinking IMO.
I think it’s also important to address one of the reasons we do this.
Many people, most I would say, don’t like themselves, love themselves, or even hate themselves. A lot of the time we are our own worst critic, and our worst enemy. Because we know all our flaws, we know all our past failures or mistakes. But other people don’t.
So it is easier to seek and convince someone else to like you and validate you, than it is to convince yourself. And once we have that person that does this for us, that gives us what we were sorely lacking from within ourselves, we hold on and don’t let go. This attachment of course creates a cage for the other person. And what is the most natural reaction to being in a cage … ? Eventually the other person “escapes.”
Once they are lost, and we forget the past joys we had with them. We are only left with one relationship instead of two. We often forget THIS relationship, because it isn’t taught. But it is the MOST IMPORTANT one to focus on before you even start dating others. *The relationship with ourselves. * We go from fun, joy, love, sex, and companionship. To the voice inside our heads that know all our fuck-ups and shortcomings. And the cycle continues…
We look for a new person to save us from the toxic relationship with our own minds. Or we obsess over the past one in order to try to rekindle and forget the inner relationship we’re left with. But the most important thing I’ve started to learn is… that we must stop repeating the same old cycle. We must first directly confront ourselves. Stare directly at us inwardly, with as little bias as possible, and ask:
“ Why am I so toxic with myself? ”
From this simple question which has NO simple answer (it usually stems from childhood , past traumas , past relationships , likely our first real relationship ) We can form a basis for understanding and healing our own intrinsic relationship. I believe that is the most paramount for our growth as a person , and our growth as a partner.
I feel like you could write a book. What you wrote made so much sense and I wanted to read more.
Thank you so much for this comment. It clarified a lot of my experience feeling caged by someone who doesn't love themself.
Your comment really helped me to understand where my dependency came from. Thank you so much 🙏💜
Really good insight man. Of course the question that now comes up is, how can I change this toxic relationship with myself?
Thank you for your reflections, very helpful and good counsel.
Knowing that you played a role in their distance hurts like hell but I'm so grateful I found this video. Thank you for the wisdom and keep sharing the awareness!
This is so accurate, it's kinda scary when you experienced the first two forms of love and you just realized after watching a random vídeo on TH-cam.
'' You attract what you are not what you want''. So much wisdom in this short video 😀 thx
What does that exactly mean?
i saw this too late.... the relationship is over, and im just NOW looking at this kind of stuff, its making me feel so bad abt how i was as a bf man
"Remember you attract what you are not what you want" hands down one of the dopest relationship advice I have ever get
yes I am going to say this to myself every morning when I get up!
The best advice I can give to anyone who doesn’t want to be disappointed in a relationship is learn to love yourself first after that relations are easier and you stop caring that much about what other half thinks does etc.
I loved this person to a point that i wanted to do the things they did i wanted to love the music they loved ...i wanted to watch what they watched ...my happiness depended on them... I think i was so obsessed that they pushed me away....but i now realize im lucky they did cause i was seriously losing myself....letting go isnt easy...but i know i will
I cared for him alot.. I mean i didn't care for anyone in my life like him but he didn't care for me when I needed him.. Didn't even ask "hey are you ok?".. Didn't call him after that deleted his number. . .i learned my lesson.. Relationship should be like a two way street.. One sided doesn't work.. 😊
I,,, know,,,, who,,,, can,,,, help,,,, you,,,, w,,h,, a,, t,,z,, z,, +1-2-0-4-5-0-0-1-6-6-2
get your ex back or restore someone you love
hhhh uuuuuuuqaaa
Shouldn't have trusted harvey dent
I needed to see this today. My partner and I have been going through some rough patches that are incredibly complicated and hard to sort out. I view our relationship as important and I put significant amounts of energy into it because I view it as building our future but she doesn’t put equal amounts of effort into it. This leave me feeling like she feels she doesn’t need to try because I’m doing all of the work and leaves me feeling frustrated like I’m carrying the entire thing on my back.
I’m going to start consciously focusing on myself and my freedom first and let her come to me. I guess I was sending out signals that she’s more important than I am but really I’m just focused on building a relationship that is strong and will stand the tests of time.
Going to be changing focus now, thank you 🙏🏼
Don't worry anymore Sweetheart , I will introduce you to The greatest relationship Restorer that helped me get my ex back in less 48 hours... He will help you okay
Whatsxap him
Hope you're doing alright. It's tough. I've got to adopt the same mindset. I'm just turning into a sniffling sad case lol
Literally summer up what I'm going through right. I put so much effort in and it's so hard. I feel like an idiot but scared to not put effort incase it crumbles
I feel you. I am also highly invested as I felt he’s worth it, and we are worth it.
But he’s rather detached and his coldness really gets to me. And I find myself wanting him more cos it’s so hard to get to him.
Letting go of him is hard as well. It has been such a struggle
For me love is very simple. It’s about wanting a life together, it’s about wanting to spend time together. It’s about not having to play games, not having to think so much about whether im needy or not.
It’s about just wanting to be by your side whenever I can. But in modern times, this is seen as desperate or even wrong
When I love, I give my all. I don’t want to hold back. Love is so hard.
Everyone that I have known that was great at finding a relationship was open and not attached to the outcome. They have boundaries, but don't wear it on their sleeve. If it works, it works. If it doesn't, it doesn't. If you don't project desires on to others, they cannot disappoint you and failed relationship are less painful. This was a great video!
If you don't want the plant to die, water it everyday
True, you just need to make sure it’s not a weed, lol
Actually some plants that some may find a great love and beauty for, are considered weeds in other places. I have a great love for poppy flowers, but other places they are common and not special at all.
But don’t overwater it!😝
Only water it when the soil is dry. Even though that sounds a little wrong..
Sometimes...... it happens very late when you realised you been watering dead plants for months
It's hard to stop obsessing about a relationship with a narcissist that went totally horrible out of nowhere. Because most narcissists don't care what they do to people. And when they get bored they tear their ass with no warning.
That is so true but the key to this is understanding that the person IS a narcissist. Nothing you can do could make that relationship better. It is their choice and their flaws and they don't give a shit about you. It is easier to move on then when you realise there's nothing you can do to help them and let them live their shitty live forever.
Yea it sucks especially when they love bomb you at the beginning . So you give them that unconditional love and then the abuse steps in . That is what the hell happened why are you ripping my heart out with no anesthesia! Beware of the narcissist
I can relate to all of this but I’m a dude. Mine also verbally told me that she just was a slow lover and that it’d just take time and that I needed to be patient, of course after the 2 first months of love bomb. 2 years later and all intimacy stopped, wouldn’t even kiss me anymore, only called me sounding interested in me when she had a flat tire or needed help moving something etc and would only make time to hang out super late at night if all her friends weren’t available and I was her last option for entertainment, entertainment meaning me just driving her around while she stared at her phone or slept. Her excuse for the last 8 months when I asked why she’s treating me just as a friend instead of a companion was “I’m super stressed”. Yea, super stressed unless I can be useful to you right? Would never break it off cuz she used me as a tool, but after 6 months, the fake love disguise faded to 0 effort to even hide the fact anymore. Hurts. But just like all you, the small chance of “but what if I just try a little more or give just a little more time” always sits in the back of my head. Really sucks
Its hard to when a narcissistic woman has alienated you from your own kids and acts as a goalie between me and my own children
Believe me..if he is a narcissist she is getting it Worse than u..they just smile for the Facebook pis and pretend happy..just to get at u
Algorithm is crazy 🤯 exactly what i needed to hear at this point in my life 😩
Synchronicity*
For fucking real
Beautiful video! I just got out of a relationship where my girlfriend was the obsessive one and I was the one who felt smothered. You are totally right, our need for freedom as humans absolutely supersedes our need for love. She’s the one who ultimately broke up with me because she wanted that codependent style of love and I didn’t want that! She didn’t trust that I was there for her and that I loved her, even when I didn’t want to do the same things as her. It still definitely really hurts, but I know it’s for the best and I know there’s someone out there for me that will give me that interdependent love that I need.
"You attract what you are, not what you want." Gonna remember that one
Omg this is exactly what I needed. No one has ever explained it better
Literally needed this right now
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Thank you for sharing. 🙂 The interdependent relationship sounds wonderful.
I don't agree with the codependency explanation. I am healing from codependency and attachment trauma and I never wanted to hang out with someone 24/7 or texting someone the whole time. Codependency often has its roots in childhood and comes with intense feelings of fear of loss and abandonment. A codependent person has poor or no boundaries, tends to be a people pleaser, lacks self-love and therefore chases for love. Codependency is more than being needy. It's painful and no, it's not attractive.
That actually explains my ex. Her boundaries were terrible. Said "I would have done anything for you". Very unhealthy boundaries. You actually explained it so well
I agree...🙏.. I am anxious preoccupied 🥺
This man is speaking facts. Every woman I have gone after has ended worse that it started
Thanks Clark. You reminded me that I was in a codependency rather than interdependece, and made realize that freedom is higher than love. Thanks
I came in here to learn how forget her in letting go. Now Im feeling guilty for loving (dependency) her this hard
I’m a dependent type and I didn’t even notice. I see why he left me now. I’ll try to become more independent and love myself
He probably left because of something going on within his own life. Don’t blame yourself but if you love yourself fully as much each day you will be most ready to keep the good people as they come and let go of the people that don’t fit
I have been in a relationship for almost 8 years. It started all wrong (long story). Either way, what we have is not love, it is co-dependency and we are "used" to each other. I have started this wonderful journey of self-love and self-discovery and have discovered that our love / relationship is not what it should be. We are growing apart and I know the right thing to do is to call it quits. We don't know what we are holding on to, yet, we are still together. Deep inside, I know that right thing to do is go our separate ways, yet is hard and it hurts somehow. Decisions, decisions, decisions 🤔😕
When you literally lose yourself for the other person, it is not a healthy and prosperous relationship!
Right with you. 8 years of same thing you describe
The highest form seems like meeting a good friend
Bingo. That's correct.
so smart, yes!
First of all LOVE, is a verb and not a noun. You can say it all day long but it doesn't mean anything until you show it. Your ability to let go of someone who doesn't love you, is also a reflection of how much you love yourself.
My eyes and mind has been opened. I never knew these 3 types of love. Thank you for this. I was in a dependent relationship. I was dependent on him. Now I know where I went wrong. And the more I kept trying to “LOVE” him the worse. I understand now. He always spoke about wanting to be free and not be controlled. I understand it so much more clearly. 🤯 why do we not teach people this? Ugh! If I know this. I could have left a long time ago!
Oh well I’m here now and I understand now. Thank you
I am obsessed with him. Now I know how to break it.
I can introduce you to the most powerful relationship restorer who helped me got my ex back permanently with more love and commitment. He can help you and bless your relationship perfectly
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If a person thrives off of someone else needing them, then that IS codependent (The need to be needed). This is an awesome video, thank you.
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"The tighter you hold on to them, the more they wanna slip away"
wtf how did you expose 1 1/2 years of my life in a 15 min video. i’m blown away i wish i would’ve watched this sooner
I cried reading the comments because I could relate to a lot of things people said in the comments. I find myself in a dependent relationship (I'm the dependent) and it really got to me when he said that dependent relationships are not love, it's an ego love. I REALLY don't wanna be in an ego love.
Found myself doubting if my boyfriend really loved me, but after watching this video I realized I've been pushing him away with my ego love. He actually might love me more than I love him because he's in a very independent position. I've given him full control of our relationship.
I need to focus on me and control myself. That's what attracted him to me and that's what'll keep attracting him. But it's SO difficult because I keep thinking I should be in a fairy tail love like the ones in the movies (codependent love), and I loved how the guy in the video mentioned codependent love is a childish love.
@Tyler Lee it's been a week since I saw that video. I can tell you I'm making a lot of effort to not have selfish thoughts and focusing on having an independent relationship. That's my goal right there. A mature relationship.
It's going great! I used to wake up with a lot of anxiety and I haven't been feeling like that anymore. I stopped worrying so much about what my boyfriend thinks of me. It still can happen tho, I still feel like I'm not totally independent. Baby steps!
@@daykbd Same. It's hard for me. But I am trying my best. Keeping myself busy. Hope it works for me.
I think every want to seek relationship advice no matter what, even if you're good or great you can usually be even better
One day, I was on the brink of losing my mind over this girl until I stumbled upon this video and your advice…. God damn man you saved me, opened up my eyes and I had a paradigm shift. Thank you for your wisdom and help brother, extremely valuable content 🙏🏽💛
Dude, your videos stop my panic attacks in their tracks. thank you
I needed to see this video. I feel like I have been a little too nice. A little too needy. Expecting people to be there when I need them. Expecting them to have the same heart and loyalty as me. Those days are over. I refuse to chase or beg. I am worthy. I need to set better boundaries. Let them know “ I love you, but I love myself more.”And accept the fact that people are not gonna always be there for me when I need them. I have to learn how to be there for myself. Lesson learned 💯❤️
I just found this video and I want to say thank you. I now realize that I was the problem. I was to controlling / possessive on wanting “Love”. I wish I had watching this video several months ago. But that’s life and you live and learn. Thank you.
Full disclosure, I asked my boyfriend to put a camera in his apartment so I could monitor him when we were apart, sooo unattractive of me. I thought it would help with my trust issues but it only made them more magnified. I've been studying the art of detachment recently and he and I have never felt closer.
Great content 👌, thanks for sharing!
so letting them go for a bit helped?
On TH-cam or a book ? The art of detachment
Yeah I feel like a comment I made might have weirded them out which is why they ended it because for me sometimes I says things I never meant to say or intentionally come across as weird or codependent however that being said I realized after self reflecting i realize how I wasn't perfect as I realized I have traits of emotional dependency during that which isn't healthy at all and I'm already taking steps to get the help I need to become more emotionally independent and self reliant here!
So beautiful
I went from getting woman left and right to being sprung on one that, could care less. Ima tell you exactly how to overcome it.
-If she ain’t reaching out let her go.
-Focus on yourself, realize that no matter what you the baddest and always gonna be the baddest periodt.
-Mediation/Prayer everyday for at least 5 minutes. Will clear your mind and help with anxiety majorly.
Now I’m not saying it’s automatically gonna take the pain away but I promise. I’m at the point to where I just gotta better myself. And this is the start to it. I’ll be back in about a month and let you guys know that my ex wants me back now that I’ve moved on and bettered my self. Watch. Speak into existence. And watch it manifest.
Sending you love and prayers. I'm in a very complicated situation with my husband of 14 years. I am learning to just let go and let be and believe that what is meant to be or not to be will be. If that makes sense...🌻🌻🙏🏻🙏🏻✌️✌️♥️♥️🔆🔆
Peace,
Rachel🌻🌻🌻
Exactly 💯
And did she came back?
I forgot to come back lol, my bad. No we ended up going our separate ways, looking back now. I wish I would’ve earlier I’ve way more happy then I was before. I had to hit rock bottom again to realize my own self worth. It’s gonna sound rude but I’ve recently just started talking to someone whose much more caring and appealing. So what I’m getting at here is if it’s REALLY meant to be. It’ll work out. But don’t “EVA” chase after anyone that doesn’t want you. We gotta know our worth, and it’s dang sure not chasing after someone who doesn’t want us.
Here’s something odd, I seen my ex the other day for the first time since our break up. I was with someone else, and we talked briefly. She walked away crying before I could ask how she was. Point I’m making is, they had their chance. I begged and pleaded for two months. She didn’t want me until I found someone else I was interested in. Don’t fall for the pity party. Yes I still and always will have feelings for you her. But we are better then that people!
Hey man, as someone who has been in a 10 year thing that I've had the hardest time letting go of, this has helped tremendously. Just wanted to say thanks.
I just broke up with my girlfriend. I feel this “anxiety” in my chest each day and find it hard to participate in conversations socially, I can only think about her and how she’s feeling. I believe our 6 month relationship was co dependent which makes it hard for both of us to move in right now. It’s been over a month and it’s getting better but still fighting that daily anxiety. Hopefully we can find inner peace ❤️ thanks for the video
I know the feeling mine went on for 2yrs 8wks no contact and anxiety playing a massive part atm time will heal
Learn to love the self. It will be visible to the world outside and they'll imitate the love you have for yourself by giving it back to you
Sometimes it is right to give the person an answer for stringing them along for years. There is nothing worse than being used and not holding a person accountable for using another person. There is a need, we all have a need. We all do the same things to each other. Don’t use others. There is no excuse nor reason for that.
Wow your right dear
How are you doing today getting nice to see you here I’m I love the video I’m single looking for serious relationship I’m be single for over a good 6 years I don’t see serious relationship I’m looking for relationship if you don’t made I will talk here
Am I the only one who thinks this man looks like a young Ben Afleck?
Yesss
Yuppp
Ben Affleck + ryan Reynolds = Clark kegley
And sounds like Markiplier from wish😭
He also has aflec voice
You always post at the right time, Clark. Cheers, this is why I have my notifications on!
The sunset analogy is spot on because I feel jealous when this person is not talking to me or laughing at my jokes. And then I can’t stop thinking about it and then feeling angry and I know it’s unfair to be angry. So my tactic is just avoidance. I’m just trying to get better at being fair and not embarrassingly jealous. But even when I try to be normal, my big issue is just being nervous anytime I am talking to this person. No matter what I do. I stutter. And I leave any conversation either. Feeling happy that it went well or really depressed that I didn’t. And then I start to second-guess my entire life.
Why does love have to have a set of rules ? I honestly done believe it does. Love how you want to. Love 100 percent if that’s how you feel. Love isn’t something you can put into a box and just take it out when it’s convenient. I’ve spent most of my life. In a dark hole where love didn’t exist. The only thing I’m good at is loving. If that’s to much for someone. Then find someone who can handle it. Simple. Why should I have to change the way I love for someone. I think most Need lots of love. Because they’ve spent years. Not getting enough love. Being in relationships getting lied to cheated on abused. Don’t let the past dictate your future. Love as much as you can.
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Dr Frank can make your ex come back to you for a second chance. He was the one who helped me restore back my broken relationship of 3 years by bringing back my ex Also Dr Frank always keep up with his words I strongly Advise you to seek help from him.
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I agree only so long as it doesn't become obsessive and controlling, where that love becomes manipulative and not affectionate. I'm from a warrior breed and susceptible to overprotective and that manifested as controlling to my now ex Fiancé. But yes, someone will appreciate your love.
Okay, this was extremely insightful. I always thought I was wrong in wanting to enjoy the moments 'shared' with that said person instead of just admiring them. The example puts things in a lot clearer perspective. Thank you! :)
Is it jus me or does this guy looks alot like ben Affleck
Great point. I think the 5 love languages should be in every school curriculum. Sending love from London UK.
🌻🌼"freedom, love and peace... oneness" nobody owns you only you who owns you... you are YOU (your soul) namaste!🙏🌼🌻
When you love someone you just enjoy their company you do your life like you were doing before you met them they do theirs and then you end up eventually just simply making time for each other but not in a forceful way
Heavy appreciation on your statement at the end of the video “stop settling, start living” ✨
I think this is the kind of thing that takes some deep introspection to resolve. The science identified in this video is spot on but you have to go deeper and identify why you are behaving in the ways you are.
Also think it is important to acknowledge that life is nowhere close to fair and that everyone has some level of need for social interaction. In my experience, most of the people I've met who struggle with dependency or codependency got that way because their environment wasn't fulfilling their social needs. I think it is hilariously ironic how people will criticize dependency in one breath and neglect to acknowledge the attention they are receiving from others in the next. I'm not going to tell you I condone dependent behavior, but it is absolutely factual that everyone's social experience is widely varied. Some people find themselves in the situation where they are constantly just giving to others who aren't giving anything back to them.
One of the healthiest things you have to learn during your young adult years is that if you're putting effort into connecting with someone who isn't giving you anything back, you have to address it and then move on if it continues. Those sort of situations aren't your fault and they don't make you inherently needy unless you choose to stick around past the expiration date. Life is too short to constantly chase people who don't respect you. People in these sorts of situations are not shameful and absolutely deserve empathy. It's a tough spot to be in.
I agree ❤
Thanks Ryan your message cheers me up.i have cptsd and autism. I have just started dating again after 11 years,has been a real nightmare for me and I suffer a whole range of intense emotions when things do not work out,that most people just brush off.I get really strong feelings of shame,guilt,embarrassment at simple things like rejection.Iam learning and improving all the time but it is nice to hear a good message.
thank you so much man, this made my horrible day better
👏👏👏 Well Said
This comment actually makes more sense
When you have OCD it's harder :( It's like obsessing is my default and I have to try and try and try every moment not to. It's exhausting. The idea of being overly-attached is so true. The fixation just completely throws you off balance.
We all have one person in mind while listening to this
If you’ve got to the time to read this, please do… I watched this exact video maybe 2 months ago when I first started seeing this girl, not because I felt I needed to but because it just popped up in my suggested videos. Anyway, I gave it a watch and was astonished at how well I was handling this “girl situation”. I wasn’t attached, i didn’t feel like I NEEDED her as such, it was just going really well at the time. Fast forward 2 months and I’ve found myself looking up “how to detach from someone you love” videos and it brought me back to this. And as I watch it for a second time, I have complete opposite feelings, I’m getting defensive over what he’s saying, trying to find ways to make myself feel better about being so attached to this girl. But I’ve had to pull myself up on it, only because I remember how I felt the first time I saw this… It sucks man, the fact that you can feel so strong minded one minute, to feeling like a child with no self control the next, is actually mental. All I wanna say is, to anyone out there feeling like they’re getting too attached, we’ve got this. Both you and I💪
4 years ago but the video I needed today. Thanks. You showed me how to be less clingy, and focus more on myself. God bless you sir.
You are a master. Best spirituality “self help” channel. Please don’t stop!
Never could keep or get the ones I wanted so I gave up caring
I agree with what you said about the different kinds of love, but I disagree with the idea that freedom “supersedes” love. What I think is more accurate is that freedom is a vital component OF love in its highest form and without it you aren’t actually experiencing love. But more people kill themselves because of a perceived lack of love than a perceived lack of freedom. Freedom does not supersede love.
And I’m also saying that a lack of freedom usually stems from a lack of love in some form or another. They are interdependent. See what I did there?
Thank you, just lost my relationship because of my controlling tendencies. I love them a lot but it was a wake up call, they still are very hurt and I just really want them to do well...
Man, now I feel like crap after watching this. I had a huge crush on someone a long time ago and in hindsight that I came off as too dependent or obsessed. I wrote some emails that now days make me so cringe... Could have used this 20+ years ago. I was way too clingy and needed to chill and work on myself.
I needed to watch this at the right time in my life. Thank you
If you really dont care about your partner -- you are checked out. You want to break up and move on.
If you are obsessed about your partner you are controlled and over obsessed.
Its hard to find that middle ground.
Thanks for putting this information out. I get it now. I have had many failed relationships. Now I know what my next one should be like.
+ 1 ( 2 1 3 ) 9 9 2 7 9 3 7
This is by far the best relationship advice I’ve ever heard
This straight up explains everything in me and my recent breakup. At first we were codependent and a year and a half in my financial past bit me in the ass and I became so dependent on her. I'm taking this time now to better myself financially, physically and mentally. I have a goal to make the time to come much better. Maybe we get back together in the best versions of ourselves or not I'll be ok no matter the decision. This is what I needed to better understand myself.
I have been severely co dependent and needy in my past relationships, and this helped me on my healing journey. Thank you 🙏🏼❤️
Most people get caught up in a situation where they fall deeply in love with someone that gives them all they’ve been looking for in a relationship, they feel that comfort and security whereas the person does not actually love them. How can you get out of such situations?
Hi
@@Stanford017-yg4fw hello
Best 12 mins I’ve watched in this year yet
Wow it's crazy she was making me do everything she wanted and I did but then she totally ghosted me I became so damm obsessed and needy I am still winding down from it! This video describes me to a tee! Ty for your insight and explanation of what this is!
“Don’t text back if it is green”
Man. I laughed my ASS off at that one.
I have dependence on my girlfriend, however, I know it is not right and I am working on it, I do not let her know about this and I respect myself a lot, as I said I know this is not good. I let her be, even sometimes it puts me very anxious I give her the freedom and the space. I really wish I can fix this soon.
Wish both of us can pass this exam