It takes a heck of a lot of self awareness from both parties to be able to discuss what's really going on (wounds and all). Without that it's always going to be tough, no matter how deep the connection.
I agree with how you described the FA’s love languages. My closest friend is AP and I’m trying to get her to watch more of the PDS videos, so that she can lessen her anxiety. We don’t live in the same state, so I can’t help her as much as I would like to. I know that your videos are relatively short, which is good, but the more hints, tips, & tricks you could give people the better, especially for the beginner. Thank you Thais & the PDS team! Also, the new dashboard on the PDS website is excellent! It’s just what I needed! 👍🏻👍🏻
I needed that five years ago…before I lost my FA friend..she was truly the best person I ever had a friendship with..the AP FA dynamic could be the best human connection you’d ever have..it’s intensity and depth are unforgettable
As an FA myself with an AP friend i can tell you from my point of view its not the best human experience to have an AP friend thats why you lost your FA friend, just like my AP friend is already on a thin line about to lose me, AP can be very overwhelming to the DA and the FAs because of the constant validation that an AP needs, please be sure to work on that so you won't lose any more value people in your life ❤
@@Twighlight333 i completely recognise that..as I truned FA all those years later…it’s obvious to me now how emotionally unavailable I was to her…I was trapped in my own panic of losing her…she was somehow triggering that response 24/7….she didn’t reject me but I actually got fed up from the rollercoaster..I stopped chasing her…she got defensive and left
@@cloudslady3400 yup that sounds exactly right! Both were feeling under valued, unheard, and disrespected in some way and its a horrible feeling to feel but in order for it to work both have to put in work... im willing to meet my friend halfway if shes willing to do the work, unfortunately its not going well...
Any advice on better managing long distance between a FA and AP where the FA has disconnected due to the distance and lack of quality time after a few weeks?
What if im the anxious and my wife is the fearful and we are separated living in different rooms. She won't talk to me unless the kids are in the same room as us. Also she will only talk to her tiktok friends and this is how I lost her because of tiktok addiction on her side
It takes both of you to fix this. It's clear she has distanced herself, maybe unconsciously, due to unmet needs that make her lack trust in you. It's not your fault, because chances are, she never communicated those needs to you. But if you're so committed to making it work, it might need to be one-sided. You have to find out what her needs are and see if they're compatible with yours. The two of you can maybe learn to work on yourselves to be more secure. If she's unwilling then it's going to be a thing you do by yourself. I can tell you, as an AP who's now mostly secure, with a side of FA, that change is possible, and it's worth it.
@Dsanzvillamil yes thank you for the reply and you would be correct to say she never communicated her needs. We have been together 10yrs and the one time we have a big disagreement all due to .y mother passing then 2 days later her asking if she can go to las vegas to meet 2 of her tiktok girlfriends she had never actually meet in person. I said yes because I didn't want to argue while dealing with my mom's passing. Skip 2 more days and it hits me like a ton of bricks that me and my wife have never had a night alone without kids not even on our honeymoon because we had our 1yr old at the time he is now 8yrs old, and here I am going to be with the kids while my wife goes and parties in vegas with strangers all while I haven't been able to do this in 7yrs of marriage. I told her how I felt about the trip on that 4th day only because I brought up to her that her phone/social media addiction was causing problems with us and our children and that it had caused us to have a sexless marriage. I wrote this all in a note and gave it to her because I wanted to make sure I got to say everything I needed to out. Her response was ill work on my phone time and that she didn't know what's wrong with her she just never is in the mood. So she suggested I go find another women to get my needs from. I was shocked and disgusted by this. I say we are married and thats not ok. She was surprised I said no.
@@robertsalisbury7004 As a starting point I asked myself the question "How would I live life if I knew I was never ever going to be romantically involved with anyone again?". That was a good place to see how I was still not fully individuated. In general I focused on enjoying the time with myself, trying to develop my own tastes and criterion, and attempting emotional self-regulation on my own. As APs we're very capable of getting that from other people, we know what to say and how to present the topic, but I'd be radical enough to say we should aim for emotional self-reliance, even more than the average person, maybe. We might never get there but it's what we should aim for. Try to think of things that would make you happy to do just by yourself, without involving anyone, and try to tell yourself about your life and activities. The fear of abandonment and helplessness was overwhelming at the beginning, but if you keep at it, it can decrease significantly. There's much more, but I'd try detaching, at least partially, from your partner. Not for her to chase you, but for you to focus on yourself. I don't know how she is, but she doesn't seem as committed as you on improving, at least at the moment.
@@robertsalisbury7004 Oh, and just feel the pain. Don't try to ignore it... It's awful, but it's all sadly just in our heads. Our beliefs aren't the reality, and we can teach our unconscious mind it doesn't need to escape the discomfort
When someone with fearful attachment style contacts you and asks for advice or help with something like something with their car, house etc. is this a sign of them wanting to reconnect?
It takes a heck of a lot of self awareness from both parties to be able to discuss what's really going on (wounds and all). Without that it's always going to be tough, no matter how deep the connection.
Reassurance is the promise of trust, where trust is the promise of leading/following well.
❤
I agree with how you described the FA’s love languages. My closest friend is AP and I’m trying to get her to watch more of the PDS videos, so that she can lessen her anxiety. We don’t live in the same state, so I can’t help her as much as I would like to. I know that your videos are relatively short, which is good, but the more hints, tips, & tricks you could give people the better, especially for the beginner. Thank you Thais & the PDS team!
Also, the new dashboard on the PDS website is excellent! It’s just what I needed! 👍🏻👍🏻
Glad you like the new dashboard!! ❤❤❤
Not in a relationship, but very enjoyable to listen to a beautiful positive video . 💜
I hope you have a lovely day. 🧘🏼🚶♂️☀️🌳
❤
I needed that five years ago…before I lost my FA friend..she was truly the best person I ever had a friendship with..the AP FA dynamic could be the best human connection you’d ever have..it’s intensity and depth are unforgettable
As an FA myself with an AP friend i can tell you from my point of view its not the best human experience to have an AP friend thats why you lost your FA friend, just like my AP friend is already on a thin line about to lose me, AP can be very overwhelming to the DA and the FAs because of the constant validation that an AP needs, please be sure to work on that so you won't lose any more value people in your life ❤
@@Twighlight333 i completely recognise that..as I truned FA all those years later…it’s obvious to me now how emotionally unavailable I was to her…I was trapped in my own panic of losing her…she was somehow triggering that response 24/7….she didn’t reject me but I actually got fed up from the rollercoaster..I stopped chasing her…she got defensive and left
@@cloudslady3400 yup that sounds exactly right! Both were feeling under valued, unheard, and disrespected in some way and its a horrible feeling to feel but in order for it to work both have to put in work... im willing to meet my friend halfway if shes willing to do the work, unfortunately its not going well...
Love the explanation of love languages!!
❤
Any advice on better managing long distance between a FA and AP where the FA has disconnected due to the distance and lack of quality time after a few weeks?
Thank you so much.
You're always welcome Steven :)
You make great videos. A lot of them are on AP+DA or AP+FA.Can you make some more about FA+DA?
thank you
You're welcome :)
What if im the anxious and my wife is the fearful and we are separated living in different rooms. She won't talk to me unless the kids are in the same room as us. Also she will only talk to her tiktok friends and this is how I lost her because of tiktok addiction on her side
It takes both of you to fix this.
It's clear she has distanced herself, maybe unconsciously, due to unmet needs that make her lack trust in you.
It's not your fault, because chances are, she never communicated those needs to you. But if you're so committed to making it work, it might need to be one-sided.
You have to find out what her needs are and see if they're compatible with yours.
The two of you can maybe learn to work on yourselves to be more secure. If she's unwilling then it's going to be a thing you do by yourself.
I can tell you, as an AP who's now mostly secure, with a side of FA, that change is possible, and it's worth it.
@Dsanzvillamil yes thank you for the reply and you would be correct to say she never communicated her needs. We have been together 10yrs and the one time we have a big disagreement all due to .y mother passing then 2 days later her asking if she can go to las vegas to meet 2 of her tiktok girlfriends she had never actually meet in person. I said yes because I didn't want to argue while dealing with my mom's passing. Skip 2 more days and it hits me like a ton of bricks that me and my wife have never had a night alone without kids not even on our honeymoon because we had our 1yr old at the time he is now 8yrs old, and here I am going to be with the kids while my wife goes and parties in vegas with strangers all while I haven't been able to do this in 7yrs of marriage.
I told her how I felt about the trip on that 4th day only because I brought up to her that her phone/social media addiction was causing problems with us and our children and that it had caused us to have a sexless marriage. I wrote this all in a note and gave it to her because I wanted to make sure I got to say everything I needed to out. Her response was ill work on my phone time and that she didn't know what's wrong with her she just never is in the mood. So she suggested I go find another women to get my needs from. I was shocked and disgusted by this. I say we are married and thats not ok. She was surprised I said no.
@Dsanzvillamil how did you go about changing from Ap to mostly secure?
@@robertsalisbury7004 As a starting point I asked myself the question "How would I live life if I knew I was never ever going to be romantically involved with anyone again?". That was a good place to see how I was still not fully individuated.
In general I focused on enjoying the time with myself, trying to develop my own tastes and criterion, and attempting emotional self-regulation on my own. As APs we're very capable of getting that from other people, we know what to say and how to present the topic, but I'd be radical enough to say we should aim for emotional self-reliance, even more than the average person, maybe. We might never get there but it's what we should aim for.
Try to think of things that would make you happy to do just by yourself, without involving anyone, and try to tell yourself about your life and activities.
The fear of abandonment and helplessness was overwhelming at the beginning, but if you keep at it, it can decrease significantly.
There's much more, but I'd try detaching, at least partially, from your partner. Not for her to chase you, but for you to focus on yourself. I don't know how she is, but she doesn't seem as committed as you on improving, at least at the moment.
@@robertsalisbury7004 Oh, and just feel the pain. Don't try to ignore it... It's awful, but it's all sadly just in our heads. Our beliefs aren't the reality, and we can teach our unconscious mind it doesn't need to escape the discomfort
When someone with fearful attachment style contacts you and asks for advice or help with something like something with their car, house etc. is this a sign of them wanting to reconnect?