Definitely. As the saying goes, "Hard times create strong people. Strong people create good times. Good times create weak people. And, weak people create hard times."
Therapist here with a particular niche for working with adolescents and emerging adults (also trained in CBT); Haidt is spot on, a lot of my clients have difficulty navigating conflict, very little coping skills for life's challenges, and do not socialize enough (zero spontaneity with it comes to hanging out with each other; parents have scheduled their childhoods to the max) and struggle with overall independence. The positive however, is that Gen Z is smart, introspective (maybe to a fault), they are open to working on their shortcomings and have a grasp on mental health unlike previous generations.
@@matthewvarriale8246 overthinking oneself to death, figuratively speaking. Mental health content is huge in my generation because people are trying to fix themselves up. But you can reach a point in self improvement when it becomes toxic. Like Haidt's mention of triggers. Only so much you can do by yourself. CBT, exposure, group therapy. You can't do that on your own, but people still try to anyways
@@hervymarquezgarcia1079 Spot on! I would also add that too much introspection can lead to a false sense of certainty. One might feel a certain way, but one's emotions does not necessarily dictate whether X situation or interaction is a real issue. There is so much nuance/gray in the world, that too much introspection can lead us to cognitive distorted thinking, as Haidt notes in his talk (eg black and white thinking, mindreading, ect ect.).
@@matthewvarriale8246 life is a balance of thought and action, with one informing the other. Think too much and you won't act. Act too little and your thoughts float away, no longer informed by your actions.
I'm a post 2000's guy ( I guess you call us gen Z). At every turn, it has been quite irritating that my parents (who are quite attentive and take their parenting duties seriously) strongly discouraged risk taking and never took me seriously when I claimed I was capable or responsible enough to do certain things. The response was always, 'No you can't' rather than 'Prove that you can'. Enormously, I feel that even now as a college grad my parents basically have zero trust in my capabilities. You have no idea how difficult it is to do outgoing and controlled risk taking stuff when you've basically been smothered.
Hopefully you’ll get a chance to do it differently with your kids someday. Ngl, it can be hard to swim against the parenting current and give your kids the independence they need. There can be a lot of judgement from hyperparents. But it is so worth it to watch them grow that way.
@@bennyflint It is easier to give kids independence when parents themselves are independent, or at least practice being independent if they weren't raised to be.
My parents are like this too then they turn around and criticize me and say how come you can't do anything right? Well you never let me try in the 1st place and if I do make mistakes when I try new things instead of encouraging me they complain that as a 20 year old I should know better. But how would I know better if I have never been allowed to try anything in the 1st place until now.
jesus, Im an 89 guy. that is wild my friend. life was a "free for all' growing up. well, I shouldn't put it exactly like that, but we were always taught to go out and figure it out! I don't know. Life is one big risk if you ask me.
something to consider as well is how many kids are raised in suburbia which doesn't allow anyone without a drivers license to go to any places to hang out, other than neighbor's house. The way we design our communities simply isn't setup for kids to explore and enjoy the area around them. We could work on that
What a great observation! As a geographer, this sort of thinking is my bread and butter so I love seeing other people coming to these conclusions too! :)
Ong bro when I moved from the SF Bay Area suburbs to New York as a teenager my life immediately improved because I could just take the subway everywhere 🤩
uh....OR you could look at it like GO GET A DRIVER'S LICENSE dude! Boredom is a motivator not a verdict. Take the bus downtown, go get lost, go have an adventure. Go get a bicycle sheesh. You could seriously cover many miles in a bike. You could travel ten miles in a half hour. Go join the military or something to get out of your hometown. Also even suburbs have parks, rec centers, there's organized intramural sports thru your school, boyscouts, high school marching band, also WALKING isn't the worst thing in the world. I grew up in suburban metro denver in the 90s and had to walk two miles to the nearest record store there's more to life than video games at your friends' house. Your life will be what you make it.
blaming the burbs is lame af. my friends and I were totally free range in our subdivision. parents let us outside all day, ride bikes around, jump from back yard to backyard, water gun fights, hanging out at the pool. plenty of stuff to push boundaries on, get to egg houses on Halloween, make bombs on 4th of July, little fights here and there, PLENTY of things we shouldn't have done. anywhere you live can be a boring place, if you don't know how to have fun.
I was born in 06, and this description epitomizes my year. I wasn't necessarily coddled as a child, but my parents always arranged "play dates" with friends for me when I was younger. Nowadays, most of my social interaction is online, even if it is with friends from my hometown. A huge thing in our household is to plan, work tirelessly, and get good grades. I was raised to analyze every situation and think objectively. Consequently, most of my social interactions feel forced and awkward. I'm more stoic than my generation's stereotype, but it yields the same results: I'm neurotic and antisocial. I feel trapped in my society without the adequate tools to advance myself. While I'm not someone to blatantly lash out against anything that hurts me, I don't have the emotional maturity to handle my stressors. It's like my emotions are a half-deflated balloon, and I'm trying desperately to pinch the hole shut with my fingers, but I can't keep the air from escaping. What escapes is anger and frustration at my life. I'm left slowly being sapped of all emotion as the balloon eventually fully deflates. My school or my parents don’t help me. They've replaced any intrinsic motivation with extrinsic rewards for completing tasks. Write a paper and receive an A. You're interested in x, y, and z? Search for colleges to get into that have that. I'm left with too taxing of a workload to meet my parent's expectations, and I'm passionate about none of it. If I drop the workload, nothing else interests me anymore; there is no happy place to relax. This is why I turned to social media. It preoccupies my time by mindlessly scrolling through seconds of people's carefully manufactured online lives. I can laugh at jokes without thinking about anything. It is my mindless escape. I know it’s not beneficial for me, and I need to find meaningful connections in the world, but it’s easier to do nothing than force yourself to get up in the mornings. Sorry this isn’t about Gen Z psychology, but I couldn’t stop once I started writing. I think our generation magnifies depression because there is less support from other people. We aren’t practiced at helping each other, and older generations don’t understand our emptiness. I hope people feel the same.
I can relate to what you're experiencing right now. Coming from a strict Asian family, my childhood was entirely dedicated to getting good grades and behaving like a good kid, so I ended up being, like you said, neurotic and social phobic. I'm a working adult now and looking back, I really hope I was more playful and free-spirited back then. My social anxiety has impacted my communication skill and ability to cope with changes, both are much more important than grades when one enters society. (That said, good grades did give me more choices when it comes to uni and job) As far as emotions are concerned, the best medicine is meditation. It really helped me every time I feel like I would break. We are so excitable since we are surrounded by 'triggers' nowadays- either too ecstatic or down, but never at peace. Learn to watch your feelings and create a distance between 'you' and them will help to provide mental clarity and balance. All the best to you!
I was born in 2001 and resonate with everything you just said. Entering adulthood, now 21 years old, I feel like I am mourning the childhood I wish I had had. I find myself wishing constantly that the iPhone had been invented in 2017 (or, hell, even 2027) instead of 2007. Having my own phone by 13 was detrimental. And I don't blame my parents, as nobody knew the effect it would have before it happened, but I am nonetheless mournful over not getting the freedom that my millenial cousins did. I am now hopelessly addicted to my phone, and while I am aware of it, and hate it, it feels impossible to break it. I'm about to graduate college and become a teacher, and am currently in my last few weeks of student teaching, and it breaks my heart knowing the kids I am teaching didn't even get the 10-12 years of mostly technology-free childhood I did... they got none. What our parents regretfully didn't realize is that unrestricted (or even restricted) access to the internet at a young age was, in the long run, far worse for our development than unrestricted access to the physical world around us.
I was born in 2003 and I feel like you and I are one person, everything you said hits home, what really frustrates me right now is how I can't break out of the cycle of feeling helpless, useless and delving into escapism, I know I will grow older and be better but currently it seems like everyone around me is content to look down on me and sigh, so it's discouraging in some ways
@@sofasangriamusic3337 - thank you for sharing this. I am a Pre-K teacher and I know my 3-5 year olds are using their parents' phones a lot. ( mostly videos at this point) Most of the parents are in their 20's - early 30's and do not realize the monster they are creating by letting kids get addicted this early!!! Smart phones are such good babysitters for parents - that is the problem. And I am seeing 8-10 year olds getting smart phones now. I wish parents could see the damage this is doing.
I’m Gen Z. Being born in 2004, I was practically born with a technological device in hand. I was never allowed to go outside because my parents were fearful of me being abducted. They were even afraid that I would fall and scrape my knee. I never learned how to ride a bike because of this. Even sports cause fear and anxiety within me because I was taught to avoid them. Instead of being outside and socializing, I spent my days online. From ages 5 to the present, most of my best memories consist of what happened online. To say that out loud is extremely depressing, but it’s my reality. I grew up playing Wii Sports with my cousins, Minecraft and Roblox with other kids online. I socialized with peers-not through physical means-but digitally through social media. My parents didn’t have much knowledge on how to use technology so I basically had unlimited access to the internet. They were immigrants as well, so they didn’t necessarily understand American culture, which caused further apprehension about allowing me to be outside. I remember always feeling hurt when I couldn’t attend a friend’s birthday party, or not being able to attend an after school program. For them, it was better seeing me on a screen than having to worry about me being kidnapped/physically hurt. You can probably imagine that I was exposed to a lot of information that I shouldn’t have seen as a young child, but thankfully nothing bad has happened. I will say that having spent the majority of my time online and not learning how to interact properly in the real world has really affected me negatively. I have social anxiety, and my view on the world (as mentioned in this video) is indeed extremely negative. I often speak to my parents about how I don’t want children, or how I feel like I cannot trust our own government. I worry about our climate, and worry excessively about our future in general. I have trust issues with people. It takes a lot for me to genuinely open up. They laugh at me, wondering, “Why are so many Gen Z kids like that?” They don’t mean that positively. I doubt my own decisions and have extremely low self-esteem. I don’t feel like I can confidently and comfortably navigate through the world on my own. Even though I’m freshly 18, I mentally feel 12 at times. I try to force myself to seek out uncomfortable situations because that’s how I believe growth occurs, but sometimes it’s just not enough. I do have my own drivers license, and I am currently a full-time student and I have a full-time job. I’m actively reading, and I try to develop my hobbies. Still, I feel lacking in every aspect. I feel as if I can’t think critically, and I’m losing all my creativity. I used to have a vivid imagination, but I notice it is on a steady decline the more I age. I believe I’m not easily swayed by marketing strategies, but I do believe it is harder for me to create my own opinion on something. I find myself often being in the middle, rather than being on extreme ends of beliefs (unless they are blatantly wrong and go against my morals and values). I’m more so worried about my creativity. I don’t know how to get it back. Despite all the downsides that come to growing up in this type of culture, I believe I have learned a lot and seen different ways of living. I was introduced to the self-improvement culture, and learned a lot about stoicism. I view financial freedom content, and I am extremely self-aware when it comes to the psychology of people and the emotions of people. I feel as if I wouldn’t have learned all that I have if I wasn’t on the internet. I try to limit the time I spend on the internet even without my parents having to say anything. Sorry, I don’t even know where I’m going with all of this. I guess all I really want is to be a good person who can feel comfortable in the world and in my own skin. I don’t know why it feels impossible to reach.
Even those of us who grew up playing outside and doing stupid things with friends can feel clueless in this device fueled world. I think COVID + technology really had a negative impact on general social behavior, since there is such a low need for people to interact now. Thanks for sharing your experience, very interesting and well written. I do feel for your generation for many reasons but it’s nice to hear that your heart is in the right place despite it all. Remember, half of being capable is simply showing up with the will to try, and that is the most important part. The second most important is showing up again after you fail the first time.
I hope I don’t sound condescending, but I just want to say that you can improve your life for the better if you keep pushing forward. Anxiety is often rooted in the fear of failure or rejection, but failure is a necessary part of learning. Rejection is hard, but it also offers clues that can help us modulate our social behaviors.
I grew up in the 80s riding my bike all over town and playing in the woods by myself and with other kids. Yet, at 18 I felt socially awkward too. Don’t lose heart. The human brain is amazingly adaptive! Blessings to you. I will pray for you ❤
Too bad there are countless adults that readily would sign on to that sentiment and yet still reflexively disparage a life of physical labor as being beneath their aspirations for their child. America is full of Tiger parents that tell themselves that they're doing right by their child to sign them up for AYSO, but would never in a million years rebuild an old junker car with them, teach them to fish, rebuild a rotting fence, or even teach them how to tie a proper bowline knot. It's fine for some psychologist like Prof. Haidt to lament this state of affairs, but the reality is that he and his cohort are doing NOTHING in real terms to create a more holistic child, either. Let's face it - becomimg a carpenter, or a mechanic, or a metal worker etc. is Plan B for the children of men like Prof. Haidt - and they likely aren't even taught to regard the life of the average tradesman - or utilitarianism in general - as an admirable pursuit. And yet - here he is decrying the hopelessly insular generation that people of his class have relentlessly molded for 30 years.
Wow!! As a parent I can tell you, this is spot on. Stop sheltering kids so much from reality and let them grow a thick skin and problem solving capabilities.
Just don't be disappointed in them when they start trying to solve problems we see as simple realities, and building empathy instead of just absorbing abuse. A thick skin is good in itself, but its greater purpose is to allow us to be forthright and act with integrity.
It's not really about growing a thick skin, but knowing how to diffuse negative energy in a healthy way. 'You need to develop thick skin' is a very GenX, dissociative, armor developing coping mechanism, which is bad, because you then shield potential connections too. Getting kids to really understand, for example, 'Your perception of me is a reflection of you, and my response to you is an awareness of me', is imo, critical to keeping kids open to connecting with each other, as well as processing negative emotions.
@@patrickb4750 VERY good observations. Perhaps not penetrating well into the self-help community however. Not on track with busy parents/bosses/etc. who want quick answers more than effective ones.
I am almost 50 years old, with a 5 and 8 year old. They are being raised like I was raised, being outside, independent, hard working, without 24/7 monitoring. Kids do not grow into adults if you baby them all the time. We have millennials and Zoomers that are a prime example of what happens when kids are not raised right. They do not grow up! We now have two entire generation, on that is into their young 40s, and most of them never became adults, as they are kids in adult bodies. It’s quite sad.
Cities need to become walkable again so kids can hangout without having to go to a mall. Sometimes it’s not that kids doesn’t want to go out and play with peers, it’s just that they have no place to go to.
Mall? That’s the 80s to early 00s. Malls are dying. Malls were the last type of place where kids could actually meet up. Now you’re not even allowed to hang around as a teen without an adult (according to the signs in my local mall). Resurrecting the mall would be a sign of progress at this point!
kids can and should be encouraged to work in spaces that they have, in the 70s and 80s suburban kids hung out in their rooms listening to music and talking. through this they were able to create their own worlds separate from their parents. walkability would be nice, but creativity within the space you have is even better.
Definitely. My friends and I (born in late 90s) would hang out in undeveloped woods outside our neighborhood... until that area got developed in high school and we had nowhere else to go, because we were too young or didn't have cars, there were no sidewalks in our city so we would have to run across a 50mph highway right outside the neighborhood, and our shitty parents all decided this was fine because it meant that they could put in less effort and live somewhere really cheap that strode a terrible line where there was nothing to do, and nothing around us but asphalt.
I once heard of an experiment where trees were grown completely inside once sprouted, protected from the elements. As the trees grew, they had no strength and, eventually, would simply fall over under their own weight. They found that those exposed to the wind as they grew did not fall over and had the strength to support themselves and even weather storms. The same wind that sometimes blows over full grown trees was necessary (in smaller doses) for the trees to stand in the first place. Our children are the same: they need protection from the full force of life, but if they do not experience it at all, they will always rely on an external support.
As someone who's a part of this generation, this is exactly how I and a lot of us feel. Even now, most adults in my life treat me like a child, making sure I'm safe, keeping me away from danger. Instead of teaching me how to fend for myself. Now getting out on my own almost feels impossible.
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Give it a try! Make mistakes! Celebrate them. Learn. Try again!
What do you mean getting out on your own almost feels impossible? I’m trying to understand your generation. I’m 32 and getting out of your own is the easiest it’s ever been. Smart phones essentially hold your hand in being able to get information on anything you need and a safety blanket for traveling out in the world.
Oh the irony -- complaining that adults helicopter over you, but blaming primarily blaming them for not helicoptering on the subject of "fending for yourself".
3:18 “We should not be teaching our kids to see the world as being full of triggers, we should teach them to live in a world that’s physically quite safe but full of offensive statement and ideas” So well put wow.
i would say...a world that's full of _people_ who will _try_ to trigger you...sometimes just for lulz...sometimes because they have a bug up their ass...or sometimes because they're looking to sell you a line of bullshit. you can generally blow such people off. _but not always._ once in a great while, people will try to trigger us to impart _needful information,_ for our good or others'. it's just some people's style to be confrontational, and at times, it must be taken seriously. so remember to _think_ before you blow anybody off. I hope that's the nature of the "offensive statements" Haidt is thinking of, and that he isn't just dismissively counseling younger folk to go cluelessly into hostile climates and take it _all_ seriously until they somehow magically learn not to. The pain itself is not the point here. It's a signal. (Of what? Let's debate that, Jonathan.) maybe as a crypto-conservative, Haidt is ok with creating a percentage of burnouts or psychic wrecks as the price of rebuilding a strong society. but i expect better of a psychologist. even a social psychologist.
9/11, which he mentioned in this video, was not safe. Neither was the deployment to Iraq. Neither was the virus. It has never been safe. You can always die or be hurt and while you can not live in fear, vigilance is not a bad thing. Paranoia is a bad thing. Trauma is a bad thing. It's okay to have both but it is not ok to leave them unrecognized as unhelpful traits.
World is not a safe place. You have to have a sense of self-preservation, know that walking in front of fast moving cars, busses, trucks, and trains will KILL you, and most people that are bigger and stronger have a good chance of damaging you. You can get hurt playing sports, playground equipment can break, and kids will throw playground balls at your face just for fun.
@Ricx 58 I think he meant misplaced paranoia. Fight or flight is essential when confronted with actual consequences but the overuse of it is an issue which can develop into an anxiety disorder and limit you in life because of it. This is where things like PTSD also become a think because people react post traumatically to thing that has stopped occurring or is no longer a threat. If it was still a threat, the paranoia would be well owed.
I grew up basically unsupervised because my parents were always working out watching television. Now in my late 30s it's hard to imagine depending on anyone for anything and I've never had a long term romantic relationship. So I think there's a balance to be had between guidance/support from emotionally intelligent adults and opportunities for measured risk taking / independence.
There definitely is a balance. Parents should be there for guidance, not governance but they need to be there. Interractions should focus on enlightening and reinforcing positive traits not preventing every risk or opportunity for failure. I think my parents did as good a job is reasoonably possible in the 80s. They taught me to accept failure and learn from it, to be resilient and tolerant and to question everything. But they also let me learn about many things through my own mistakes.
I'm 33 and just now on my first true love long term relationship. Married and just had 1 little girl. Hang in there, I was raised exactly the same and am fiercely independent, you'll find them.
And now with my daughter I think back to my parents just letting me do pretty much whatever I want with absolutely zero supervision is outright scary, I can think back to many times I could have died as a kid.
I was born in 2000 and was raised in the way he describes, and when I got out on my own at 18 I had absolutely no idea what I was doing and I was terrified (not to mention a bad roommate). Luckily I hooked up with a good group of friends, we all give each other advice and laugh at our mistakes, we've been through some crazy times together.
I am one of these people. I never tried being independent during my formative years so now I'm stuck as an adult trying to learn how to be independent and take care of myself. It's a difficult path but I hope to prevail and teach a new generation how to be strong.
This place needs millions like you. Unfortunately , the woke brigade is larger. I feel sorry for people like you who will have to live your life controlled by the troglodytes.
It seems like we keep seeing a false binary about this question. As if our choices are either “let ‘em run wild” Vs. “shield them from any difficulty.” There’s a third option. You can experience difficulties *with* your child and teach them how to process suffering. How to acknowledge it, how to share it with other people who care about you, how to find a silver lining. And I think that does involve a degree of protecting them, because you need to make sure they’re not taking on more than they’re ready for. You got to walk before you can run.
How dare you submit a grey area answer in a world that deeply craves binary solutions. There is no such thing as risk management, and responsible growth. Only total rolling the dice anarchic freedom, or being forced to living a box! The people in this comments section that stand by anarchic freedom for sure did not self select their presence here by winning the dice role and not having their children be abducted or whatever! Those forced to live in a box did not potentially self select themselves into this comment section by paying for their own survival in an otherwise untenable environment with their anxiety and isolation that allowed them to survive. There are no self fulfilling prophecies or survivorship bias here! Whole bunch of grass is always greener self validation happening around these parts, served hot with survivorship bias. None of those non-survivors here to muck up the "totally thumbs up works every time from my own experiance" plane design conversation. Way to be the standout.
Exactly this. Both have detrimental effects, and I think some look at the “grow tough skin” as a means to shut off your feelings or process what happened- which is another case for a lot kids ON TOP of being sheltered. When you have sheltered kids who aren’t allowed to express how they feel, that calls for a recipe for disaster.
Sometimes taking on more than you can handle is the way to learn to handle more than you thought you could. If all your risks are calculated and minimized, are they really risks?
No, get out if the way. Parents are scared because they have less children. The very few we have we feel they need to succeed. The problem is if you stay in the way, they have no room to grow. Its not a false binary to point out that parents are overly protective. Guided problem solving should be during the industrious part if childhood, 6 to 10. If by 12 you haven’t done it, get out of the way.
This is so on point! I even noticed this as a kid moving from Colombia to the U.S. I got here at at the age of 11 and found it hard to connect with other kids here. They seemed much more childish and immature than the kids back in Colombia and I've always felt like relationships felt more superficial.
as someone w a simliar situation, nigeria to canada at 12, i relate so much with the maturity thing, i was so convinced for years that people here were just dumber 💀
Someone once told me that north americans live in a bubble. Also if you havent already i humbly advice you check out Gabriel Iglesias & his comedic atory of when he was in india. P.s. even though its off topic, im pretty sure walt disney had a hand in regressing the kids in this country.
I too came to the US somewhat later, around age 19, but I've lived in rural, suburban, and urban places at several points in my life. I would say suburban and rural kids do need to be a bit more coddled because stepping outside the house to go anywhere at all means to be killed by a driver, whereas urban areas generally don't have the instant death associated with roaming outside and accidently stepping in front of a car.
I started ridding the bus at 10 years old by myself, arroud 2003. Obviously my mom gave me instructions and warned me of what could happen. This made me very independent and gave me confidence.
It is quite common here in Switzerland to let kids go on their own to school, explore their city, and you can see the difference with neighbour countries like France: kids are definitely tougher and better prepared for adult life.
@@scivolanto yes! I was raised in Mexico and you see kids everywere on the neighborhoods. We all go either walking or on on public transport to school no matter the age.
So a generation shaped by their parents anxiety and fear is plagued by anxiety and fear? I am technically one of the last years of gen Y but I can agree, this seems like a pretty accurate representation of what is happening right now and the experiences I am familiar with. It would be refreshing to step away from it or fix it.
I think a lot of Gen Z's resentment comes from being chastised for these negative personality traits despite the fact that they inherently had to be learned from older generations. There's almost a refusal on older generations' part to accept responsibility in giving us these negative traits, but also perpetuating inequalities that enflame them.
@@Charles-472 There absolutely is a responsibility held by older generations. One thing I would like to point out is when has the younger generation ever NOT been chastised? I remember all the crap the Y generation got. I am sure the X's and Boomers were told the same thing. I don't think those predictions amount to much long term. It's practically a right if passage...
@@oldgreen100 As a millennial, I agree that every older generation has had this habit of telling the younger generation that they are 'spoilt' when they themselves bear the entire responsibility of raising them. That said, I'm afraid one of the concerns with Gen Z is warranted. There is a never before seen air of pessimism regarding human beings in general, and glorification of everything else on earth. The vulnerability of their mental health, already shaped heavily by social media and lack of human connect, is exploited by a lot of doomsayers into convincing them that people are the number one enemy on earth. I believe this is the first time in history that a generation is convinced on the undesirability of procreation. I think this is also part of the reason why several developed nations will be looking at catastrophic levels of population decline in the days to come - Japan a case in point. The ideologies that funneled sentiment into making a generation think that human kind itself is the problem (rather than the ones who should be benefiting from solutions to the real problems) would probably be studied in history books in the future.
As a child I was outside with my friends ALL the time. Literally told don't come home till the street lights come on. Wouldn't change a thing about that part of my childhood!!
I was born in 2001 and raised in the hood. My mom would work late hours as a single mom so I was out in the streets as a kid. I'm so thankful for this because once I made it out and manage to get to college. Holy shit the amount of kids my age who were so immature mentally and emotionally. Close to no wisdom. Little things send them off the rails. Depression was runny ramped. So many labels yet they hate labels. They can't live in the moment. I saw this more in kids that came from a good home too where both parents are home.
I began parenting in early 2000s in a safe, nice California neighborhood. I was constantly guilted by the schools helicopter moms who subtly and overtly were shocked at how I had my kids walk 1 mile to school without me, and how I had them packing their own healthy lunches by 2nd grade (with supervision). They loved the independence, however found it difficult to relate to fellow students over the years because they were much more mature. Also I was shocked at how near impossible it was to get kids to do sleepovers unless the parents had been able to meet and “interview” the family for safety. Kids would give up trying
So frustrating. When my son was in 4th grade, he had a friend over to hang out. I got a call from a very irate mom because I had the audacity to let them walk to the local corner store, less than a mile away, mind you. This store was at the corner entering our neighborhood so the boys were never on a main road. They also took a 2 way radio that they kept calling me on (they thought it would be funny to tell me they were really going other places, like Alaska etc...). The mom finally calmed down and I suggested she let the leash out a little bit more.
Ah I really do not agree with helicopter parenting, or any of that stuff. Kids definitely have no freedom today. But the only thing I really have to play devils advocate over is sleepovers. Not banning them outright or turning them into the Spanish Inquisition… but I’ve just heard from a lot of people who experienced sxual abuse, that it seems sadly common it occurred at a sleepover at a friend’s house. I’m stilll not anti-sleepover, And I’m not sure what a good solution is to the problem. But there’s definitely a big safety gap in the sleepover reality, sadly. Maybe the solution is having blunt, no-holds-barred conversations with your kids about what’s okay and what’s not, and to trust their gut and if something feels wrong, don’t feel bad about calling home and getting out. Just a thought, take care ✌️
It sounds like the parts they were angry at you for was rolling the dice, not a lack of agency. Probably justifiably, because you seem to think the two are the same. its one thing to take on risk and manage it. Its another thing to be put in a situation you cannot possibly deal with if it goes wrong, by the people who are supposed to be watching for that exact scenario. Youve essentially stated you trust all strangers and youve gotten lucky. Others not trusting strangers is not the same thing as restricting their childs agency.
This is very accurate! I realize older generations tend to criticize younger generations. But I consider myself a pretty fair person. As a millennial, I do feel Gen z has gotten the short end of the stick in many regards, far worse than we did. But I also think they have unique sensibilities and ideas. I’ve also seen many are willing to work and do work very hard. I have my frustrations with them, but overall, I am not critical of them. I want this younger generation to do well.
Well, the previous generations are demanding they do more than their share of adapting and accepting. And most of us ARE critical. They've worn out their welcome before they've hardly in the door. We must see them as a vague, but real, threat. And there's NO conversation about that. We'd have to ask too many questions Americans know not to ask.
@@javiervega1065 because they were raised completely immersed in technology, more so than we were. I still remember what life was like before cell phones and the internet. These kids don’t know how that life used to be. Many of them do not know how to behave in social situations because of it. Also, kids like my niece, for example, who were born after 2001, their parents never let them play outside. 9/11 changed our country. I don’t care what people say. After that exact event, I noticed kids in my neighborhood stopped playing outside and doing things like trick or treating. I felt like I had entered the Matrix. But I distinctly remember the anthrax scares of that year. Scared parents did not let their kids trick or treat that year, and every year after that. That was in my neighborhood. Those were the things that brought me joy as a kid, and gen z seems to have missed out on those joys.
@@javiervega1065 not in my experience. Also, money isn’t everything. These kids are also incredibly depressed and lonely. They have no purpose to their lives. Making more money means nothing if you don’t have purpose. Many of them do lack purpose. I actually feel sorry for them.
One thing not mentioned with kids born after 1995 is weekly shootings at schools. Something that my generation (kids in school during the 1970s) never heard of, like never. Now, it happens every week somewhere. This must add to the psychological unease that seems to be on rise with this generation.
I was born in mid 90s and my parents were so protective. I was the one that wanted to go out side and play with other kids but my family held me back, wanted me to play inside. Now from an outgoing one I became awkward and can't communicate well to other people. To anyone that's going to have children, please let them go out and communicate with other kids, don't overprotect them, let them fall, get hurt (in an exceptable manner). You wil only harm your children later on.
Because they have fragile parents, I would say. I speak as a teacher with many friends who are teachers and for the past several years, parents have been unable to handle reality as regards their children. Instead of teaching their kids how to handle differing opinions at school, groups of shrieking parents bully librarians and school boards into suppressing opinions they don't like. Instead of telling their kid that a C doesn't meet their expectations and to work harder and play on screens less, they storm into the classroom after school and try to strong-arm the teacher into changing the grade or offering extra work.
@@RatPfink66 i think fragile is fair, here. The parents can't tolerate the perceived insult of their kid getting a C, or the loss of control associated with their kid reading Anne Frank. Rather than tolerate their discomfort and adapt to reality, these parents act out and wreak havok. There's obviously more to it. But reactionary behavior is usually predicated on the idea "you aren't safe anymore."
@@wolfumz I quite agree. There's also loads of projection, which reactionism _always_ encourages. The parents don't want to feel fragile so they displace it onto kids - mostly other people's kids.
I taught in a community college from 1993-2018 and I saw exactly what is being described here… kids becoming more fearful, more anxiety ridden, less able to do their own problem solving and function independently. I reached a similar conclusion, that we have overprotected our children and virtually incapacitated them. Children need to practice their independence. That is how they develop confidence and problem solving skills.
I returned to school to get a STEM degree in my mid 30s. I've been pretty impressed with the youngsters at the community college. At the university, I see a little more about what this video is talking about, the students seem a little less resilient on average, but it's not by a huge margin. When I enrolled I was expecting fragile, anxious young adults, that's not what I see. They're pretty normal. In some ways, they possess traits I admire, and I didn't have at 18. The big thing I've seen is as that, after COVID-19, students have a lot of excuses for why their work is late, and constantly ask for extensions. I think that's a habit they need to work on. Maybe I'm only seeing this because I'm just looking at STEM students. Maybe they are not representative of the population.
@@wolfumz Yes, those aren't the majority. You're dealing with probably the best of their generation if they're going for a STEM field. It's a smaller fraction of the population.
@@chaserseven2886 I used to work as a counselor at a drug program, I'm familiar that people show anxiety in a wide variety of ways, many of which are not outwardly obvious. IMO there's a important difference between feeling anxious, and what Jonathan Haidt is talking about. It's one thing to have anxiety. It's another thing for it to be impairing your daily functioning and interfering with your life. If kids are answering surveys and responding to psych researchers saying their more anxious on a scale of 1-5 than past students, that's one thing. It's a totally different issue to say, as Haidt does, that their anxiety is so bad that they can't handle it. Haidt is saying students can't handle it, and they try to handle it by exerting control and enmeshing with authority. I think it's totally disconnected from reality, at least for the vast majority of students, who do not attend tiny private liberal arts school. All the stuff about how kids overly whine or demand safe spaces or whatever, I just never saw any of that. I didn't see a trend where students en masse melted down unwarranted or they couldn't deal with negative feedback or had to to appeal to authority to solve their problems. Frankly, more stress and anxiety makes sense for this generation of students, just purely based on the costs of tuition, and the diminishing returns many degrees offer. Up until the late 90's, a common motivation to go to college was to study whatever you wanted, find your passion, and discover yourself. Those days are totally gone, lol. Young students today don't think anything like that. It seems quaint.
I’m a millennial born a decade before 1995, but my parents “took away” that ability for me to “practice independence” out in the actual world of people. I lived on a large farm that I spent most of my waking hours working with my parent on and me doing very difficult manual labor - which I’m grateful for - (just not grateful for how socially weird this all made me) and was not allowed to leave or have friends over or go meet with friends. When I moved out at 18 and lived in a subdivision, I couldn’t believe how remarkable it was that you could know people down the street and ride your bike to go see them. I continued acting kind of childlike well into my late 20s. So yeah, I’m that girl who was in her 20s going to the park and wanting to swing on the swings and go down the slide over and over pretty much on the daily and constantly wanting to “go meet with friends“ in the neighborhood and ride bikes down the street. Because I never got to as a kid. 🤦🏼♀️ But hey, on the upside - I can run a swather, a bale wagon, baler, a backhoe, an excavator, and can throw 80-lb hay bales for 12 hours at a time with only a couple quick breaks for water. 😐 Just don’t have any people there, or I’ll be weird. 😂
What generation are your parents? Are they in an extreme religion? (protestant xtian counts) Were you homeschooled as well? Am I correct in thinking GenX produced two generations? If so that has to be a first in human reproduction and explains why our population numbers are growing so quickly. That growth is unsustainable.
@@brennyharms7497 That phrase, "You do You", what does that mean? Like Hitler did Hitler? Strong-minded? She stated her social and mental development were retarded by her parental care. It would still be so today. Strong-bodied, yes indeed.
I was born in the mid-90s and I’ve definitely seen this with my childhood. When I was 8 or 9 I went out to play with a friend in the neighborhood and we pretty much went everywhere within a mile of home for like 5 hours. I had a ball. Well, when I got home I got a dressing down from my parents because they didn’t know EXACTLY where I was and I caused them to panic. This impacted me so much that I never went out and did free play again. From then on, I allowed my parents to helicopter parent me and I just retreated within myself and played on the computer all day. My parents were well meaning but by scorning their own parents’ parenting style they inadvertently made me and my siblings very fragile. Meanwhile, my husband, a foreigner who was allowed to engage in free play cannot understand why American young adults are so damned anxious and fragile. It’s absolutely foreign to him-and he grew up in a financially insecure home so his childhood wasn’t necessarily “easy” but he still came out well-adjusted.
My life was the opposite in the 1990s (early 90s). I felt free. 1990s for me was an amazing golden age. Parents let me go anywhere. Before nightfall. Blame your parents. They did you a huge dis-service. I'd even say that much control is abuse.
Here is a few more points to consider for the critical thinker; Now if we assume this protection theory is true, why do we still see similar results in countries where children do have more freedom? I am from Finland and here the kidnapping of children never really has been a big thing and therefore kids still today are quite free to go. Kids starting from age 7 already go to school mostly by themselves. Most of them are free to play outside and visit their friends. Of course there is always some parents that are very protective but I think they are not a majority. Still, I think some of the effects represented in the video are visible in here as well. Birth rate is going down very steeply, young people drink less alcohol, they use much more phones and social media. So to me it seems like the protection by parents alone cannot explain this. The common thing in both countries is massively increased usage of social media, phones and computers. These are of course only based on my personal experience that for sure does not draw very accurate picture about the reality. But, a good "test" for the theory would be to compare how well it stands the comparison between different countries!
Of course now I only compared the protection of parents. Sure there is greatly increased protection by the system even in my country, such as much stricter laws in alcohol and information campaigns about the dangers of alcohol. Same thing with traffic about accidents and pollution. Indeed from this point of view, there might have been much more protection in childhood of younger people.
It isn't just about parents, though. We have taken conflict resolution away from kids in America. The suicide rate among teens is growing at an alarming rate here.
I feel like I see a similar trend in Sweden. Though I'm not sure if we have a high rate of depression in our teens, but I do feel that when I talk to teens they can seem a little socially distant
US cities are becoming increasingly car centric and as a result many children (including myself) are unable to be independent until they turn old enough to get a license. This burdens kids inside their homes and perpetuates fears of what would happen if they wandered streets alone. No wonder child obesity and social anxiety are at a high today.
I worked at a public university for 21 years, and agree with this video. However, I also have worked in addiction recovery, and heard way too many heartbreaking stories of girls who suffered sexual violence while being unsupervised outdoors and and the homes of friends. None of these crimes were never reported, but they do inform my sense of how safe my daughter is in the world. All the well-meaning messages to girls about how not to be victimized also instills a baseline level of anxiety.
This happens to men and boys almost to the same amount yet its almost a society taboo to talk about. I was groomed and raped by a pedophile when I was a kid and seeing people only talking about women and girls getting raped is sad to me. Whenever I talk to other men as well they always have similar stories of rape and sexual abuse.
@@timemaster31 I am very sorry that you experienced that. However, I don’t think the original creator is saying that men do not experience these things, but rather speaking from her own experience and because she has a daughter. I agree that men’s cases should be discussed just as much, but the creator is not trying to diminish the importance of all cases being discussed as a whole just because she mentioned girls specifically.
@@bbylilo I don't think the person u were replying to was saying that the op was diminishing importance of men's cases. It could be but u can't rlly know from what they said. They just brought up a point.
Spot on! Interestingly, my autistic daughter (who is now 20) has better problem solving skills than some of her peers. We "pushed" her out of her comfort zone in order to counteract her social difficulties and executive dysfunctioning (including problem solving). The book "The Loving Push" is a good read for ALL parent raising teens - not just neurodivergent/autistic kids. I CONSUMED this book and took it to hear. Profssionally, as a therapist (and now coach) I still use a lot of CBT with my clients. Great video - thanks!
You probably have to driver her to place to give her that love push because you can't even walk around your own city without worrying about being hit by a car.
My parents tried this but were also very protective of me as a child and never taught me how to stand up for myself during conflicts. They taught me to just avoid the problem. The school I went to was terrible for independence and life skills. Interestingly enough, I started doing drag recently and I'm learning a lot about asking to join gigs, being okay with making mistakes, stepping out of my comfort zone, and standing up for myself. It's sad that I'm learning more life and social skills from drag queens than a school for autistic children.
I got goosebumps on my arms because every detail of the description of today's society and education, the impact of social media, and the tends of Gen Z is exactly the same here in South Korea. I can see that this is not just a Korean phenomenon at all. As a public school teacher, tackling low-spirited youngsters and, furthermore, their monstrous parents, I'm sensing the collapse of social cohesion and the loss of solidarity. If this wasn't a Korean thing, I really don't know where else to look for answers anymore.
@@thisisntsergio1352 I appreciate your kind attention. I have so many things to say about Korean parents and their peculiar behaviours, but if I may bring up just one thing, it's how they casually threaten teachers' livelihoods simply because they feel unpleasant or annoyed by something. They reflexively call the homeroom teachers for the smallest issues related to their kids. I have noticed that today's young generation lacks resilience and struggles to cope with frustration. It's alright, though. I can help with these issues because that's what I'm supposed to do as a teacher. My job, however, has been transformed into smoothing those loud and violent minority complainers. In reality, these aren't always driven by their children's actual emotions. I've heard them so many times like "My kid said it was okay, but 'I' cannot accept it. My husband also gets very mad." In Korea, teachers' daily teaching has become an easy target for lawsuits due to the Child Abuse Law, which was modified strictly in 2014, originally aim at preventing parental violence following a tragic incident resulting in a child's death. Unfortunately, in recent years, some parents with ill intentions, their loyal attorneys, and some sus organisations for 'child rights' have wrongfully taken advantage of this law. Moreover, this law doesn't affect the legal consequences of false accusations and there is no time limitation for them up to 20 years. I met a teacher who was falsely accused by students 10 years ago, who've been adults now and harmonised their false statement. She doesn't have any concrete evidence to prove her innocence. What's surprising here is that Koreans are not usually litigious; there aren't as many lawsuits going on as in the US. Every year, I witness more than one of my colleagues being forced to be stripped of their position because of the furious and fire of a single parent. In fact, the rate of not guilty verdicts from teachers' cases has exceeded 99%, and the remaining 1% falls into a grey area. You might be curious about what exactly aggravates these parents. Just the day before last night, I received a call from a mother claiming that her daughter felt a classmate gave her an angry look. I asked her what she expected from me and suggested that the two children talk it out. However, this Mother of the Year strongly refused my suggestion, fearing her child might be traumatised by the confrontation. Upon separate investigations, I discovered that the incident had happened once back in May, and both girls had actually forgotten about it. The girl who was supposed to be frightened said, "I dunno what my mama worries about; we just chatted my days last night." And then, I had to amuse her highness (pleading her not to report me for child abuse in my heart) during a lengthy phone call and produce a two-page official document to establish my innocence. I am no cop. I still have to deal with another case this week where a mother was frantic because I apparently missed giving her child a sheet of paper. (I have 26 children in my class, and all the papers and stationery items are freely accessible.) The very first angry outburst from her call was, "What my dearest son has done wrong to you?" I dread next Monday coming.
@@pamina1225This is pretty standard behavior in the Western world as well. (UK, US, CA) In addition, I haven't witnessed it but, I heard an online friend in the Philippines complaining about this as well.
Bullying isnt a good thing. I went to private elementary school as a kid so i was stuck with the same group of kids from 5 to 14. One of the kids convinced all the others not to talk to me starting in kindergarten, and by 5th grade in a class of 30 students i had 1 friend. And friend was a generous term, he was just the only student who would talk to me. I remember praying tp god in 4th grade that i wouldnt wake up. I have struggled with suicidal thoughts ever since. I have extreme social anxiety which makes my depression that much worse. Bullying has destroyed my life. "When we protect kinds from ... teasing and exclusion we are setting them up to be weak." Im weak because no one protected me. Im weak because none of the adults for the first 5 years of my social life thought to stick up for me.
That's tough, it really sucks as well because what is a kid to do in a situation like that? It's like throwing a kid in the deep end of the pool and expecting them not to drown, its just cruel. Bullying is a great injustice in our society, I really hope you have overcome and/or overcoming any issues that arose. The fact that you're still here with virtually no support during those said 5 years shows you have strength. Stay strong.
Teasing in a playful/non-bullying way can teach kids the resilience to deal with it in the future as well as the tools to deal with it and to set boundaries, ofc sometimes in certain scenarios adults need to teach them these skills. I think that's the point he was making. Bullying is practically a universal bad.
@@diletante6800 , adults have dozens of ways to cope with bullying. If it happens at work you can report the person to HR, you can relocate to another branch, you can leave the company and work elsewhere. When this happens at school the child can't do anything of the above. Complaining to teachers doesn't work (obviously, otherwise there would be no bullying) and you can't just up and go to another school. You're stuck for days and months and years with people who hurt you and people who are unwilling to protect you.
being born in 2006, this us vs them (in group/out group) mentality is so abundant, this video gave a pretty clear explanation of what that entails so thank you! And the notion of parents permitting hyper-dependence brings SO much clarity to my own relations because my parents fit the very behaviors described; they don't encourage me to persevere against challenge, or get out of the comfort zone -- I've always had to persuade them to allowing me to do mentally/physically challenging things. I'm definitely going to be researching into CBT after this video!!!
Between the lack of housing, and the fact everybody needs a Car to do anything makes it so a kid has to be dependent on their parents. The older generations made our cities hostile to people living in them
I'm a teacher and see this shift happening in India too. I give writing prompts like "an adventurous Sunday" and the answers are mostly about sitting inside somewhere watching TV or doing something scheduled and controlled with their parents. Parents are afraid to let kids be independent and everything is monitored. But I don't have kids of my own - I reckon I'd do the same kind of thing if I did, maybe. The world is a scary place now and who can be trusted?
@Lee Harrison Good point about the news. My sister was home, watching the news (abt 3 years old, maybe) when 9/11 happened, and for hours she sat watching the planes hit the towers before my mother finished her shift at work. Thankfully, I remember my mother letting her take plane rides alone to see her grandmother at a relatively young age
I was born in 2001, I'll be 22 in June. My parents raised me a little more "old-school" than the vast majority of my peers. I was given responsibilities, I was allowed to do my own thing and be independent as I built trust with my parents. My parents divorced twice, and fought a lot. Obviously this is far from an ideal situation, but I think having parents who were dealing with tough problems and weren't able to monitor every single thing I did ended up playing in my favor. I struggled a lot as a child, with not being able to make many real friends. I felt a lot more mature than everyone else in my grade, even though I was already a grade ahead for my age. I noticed a lot of my friend's parents were overbearing and obsessed with everything their child did. And now, it blows my mind how financially illiterate many of my college friends are, and how little motivation they have to work hard for the things they're passionate about. Many of them refuse to accept opinions from someone they don't agree with 100% of the time. I think a lot of people in my generation were deprived of any kind of responsibility, conflict resolution, or decision making experience and it's starting to show more and more.
I really resonate with your experience. I had a lot of free time for my hobbies, like writing music - which my parents absolutely didn't care about. I struggled with making friends, my parents also said it wasn't their business and I had to find a way, which meant I suffered a lot but also quickly learned to adapt and engage with all kinds of people. I joined as many school projects as I could and joined bands in different neighborhoods because I wanted to experience new things. When I got to college the adjustment was pretty easy, it was an Ivy League and not as academically terrifying as I was expecting, but I was shocked at the lack of self-awareness and conflict-resolution of other students, and how they couldn't seem to handle the awkwardness of getting to know other people from different backgrounds. They didn't know how to debate in class despite being called "intelligent", "inquisitive", and "leaders". They looked scared. They seemed to be struggling so much but the problems weren't as big as they made them seem. They could do integral algebra but didn't know how to reposition the shower curtain to avoid leaking nor answer a straight question about how they were feeling. I was blocked by colleagues/friends who didn't like something I said and then had to deal with both of us being on the same project a day later. Also everything has to be scheduled and there is such little spontaneity, they're so scared to do something unexpected along the day, they can't bear the guilt of not working, even if it is good for their health to socialize a little and take a break. And don't get me started on the emotional repression and alcohol binges (I'm not American).
I was born in 1997 and the best thing my parents did was ban the TV and computer 4 days out of the week and forced me to play with the kids outside. I learned so many important social skills that taught me to stand up for myself, deal with shitty people and circumstances, and how to take risks. I also was home alone for a few hours everyday and that was crucial for my development.
Smart parents and they were going against the grain, which couldn't have been easy for them. I'm sure others were talking to them and telling them to "be careful."
When I went to university the very first class taught us about Critical Thinking. That lesson sinked in very deep (for some reason that I didn't know then) and I can say with complete confidence that it was one of the MOST IMPORTANT (ANY)THING that I have ever learned. No other skill or piece of knowledge has had a greater and more important impact into every aspect of my life than Critical Thinking.
I also took a class on critical thinking and to this day I tell people that it was the most important class I'd ever taken in university. I still use what I learned every day in all aspects of my life both professionally and personally.
Intuitively I agree with what Haidt is discussing here. As a parent of three there are definitely some unique challenges in raising children at this time. That said, I think some additional context is important for some of these statistics. For example, things like going on dates, getting a driver's license, and working for pay are heavily impacted by financial factors. Conveniently, these decreases accelerated during the financial crisis. What about the years preceding 1994 and after 2014? This is a very specific subset of time. Especially when the referenced study spanned from the 1970s forward. Also, simply showing a decrease in these categories without showing a correlation with internet use of those respondents makes Haidt's points speculative. Are the kids engaging in these behaviors not using their devices? Haidt is an important thinker but he has a tendency to start with an opinion and find data to support the opinion. There are a number of alternative hypotheses that could also be influencing these numbers: decrease in family size, economics, increased life span, education levels, etc. Again, these points feel right but there's also some cherry picking going on here.
Agreed. Families were much larger in the past, making familial networks more reliable. I remember that an older sibling could set the tone for a younger one at school. The younger one could be meek and quiet, but the presence of a “tough” elder sibling’s imprint was enough to ward off bullies. A brainy elder sibling could carry a less stellar sibling who could get by on academic favors. Our society is also less reliant on extended families and social connections. The neighbor is a stranger, not a friend. Communities are more diverse and divided among cultural lines. I don’t look out for my neighbor’s kid because I don’t know their cultural protocols. My form of discipline may not be welcome, or they may not welcome reproaches simply because I have a different background, and they’re wary. Even within groups, there is more economic stratification, so the responses to “normal” child behaviors are different. We are also more litigious, which is a wholly different story. I’m not even talking to the neighbor’s kid because I don’t want to be accused or sued. And they had better not approach mine!
As you touched upon, every generation faces unique challenges because the times change. That's why the timespan is constrained - to highlight the particular challenges of children born in it as observed by the researchers. If the time period studied became too long, it would not be helpful because the circumstances of the children would become many and dissimilar from each other. The study would lack focus. I agree with you that a multitude of factors are at play, but again, for a popular psychology-styled video, they're probably not going to list everything they considered - and even if they did, they might still not be completely right, however it can be determined a perfect result to be. As you say and I agree, intuitively the stranger danger factor and parental reaction makes sense and it seems from the comment section that many people have experienced it in their own families. At the very least, it is an "effect-cause" of sorts, resulting from the greater societal factors you mentioned.
@@overnightoats7058 yes, that's where I was trying to go without realizing it. Well said. Imagine a world where smart phones did not exist but all the other factors were in place. Wouldn't parents be isolating their kids in some other way? Side note, nice username
@@KamalasNotLikeUs Before 1997, families weren't "much larger." He's talking about Gen X. People had 2 or 3 kids just like now but those kids went to the store by themselves, climbed trees, built stuff, got into fistfights, etc. You learned how to think on your feet and you learned how to read the people around you. Kids now are literally fragile and have poor resilience. When you fall out of a tree as a kid, you know you can take a hit. Even if you get more cautious (instead of more brave) you LEARNED it. And learned that you can SURVIVE difficult things. For a contrast to American thinking on this, look up videos on playgrounds in Europe and some of the traditions for young people including leaving them in the woods overnight with a compass to find their way back home! I'm fortunate to travel to different parts of the world and I'm very worried that this generation of American kids will be quite disadvantaged compared to their international counterparts.
Remember that we're always looking for simple, one-size-fits-all solutions to complex problems that affect people in different ways. Haidt recognizes that and is filling that perceived need. I also don't trust adults enough not to start a backlash, where they refuse help when asked or inflict cruelty to "toughen" their kids. That would be _really_ popular these days.
Holy. These 10 minutes were one of the best I have seen in a long long time. There is so much important truth and thoughts in it that I would need to write an essay here in order to appreciate everything. This simple video should be played in schools. Not only for the kids but also for the teachers.
"prepare your kid for the road, not the road for your kid" I grew up with a mother that got remarried to a less than ideal man and she directed that on me. I've been called awful things, yelled at, manipulated, my reputation tarnished all from my mother. The only upside is it's nearly impossible to offend me. I know when I'm being baited, I know when someone is trying to emotionally rile me up and I'm totally unfazed. I have a great sense of humor because of it and people feel comfortable telling jokes and being themselves around me. I'm not advocating to do this for a child as it's messed me up in other ways but it's given me tough skin.
You know that's bad right??? You developed tough skin sure, but the cost is it makes it difficult to connect with others, has an effect on emotional regulation and empathy, and your avoidance techniques only work if you recognize it. It is up to you how you wanna deal with it, but I guess ignorance is bliss.
@@rw5622 your job isn’t to analyze this persons behaviour as a result of their trauma the person simply just mentioned how they were raised, and the fact that they said it’s messed them up in other ways makes it clear they understand it’s “bad”
Your point is mute because he’s conscious of his trauma. That’s more than half the battle. Also it seems you have unresolved petty passive aggressive emotional issues. I would check on that
Being born in 1997, I definitely resonate with some of this. I don't think my upbringing or education prepared me to be independent. I excelled at everything asked of me growing up, and I still felt completely hopeless upon graduating college. I had no idea how anything worked. Luckily I worked through a lot of it.
Born in 99. i just recently graduated college and have had more mental breakdowns than i can count. I always knew I struggled with independence and that my parents never really nurtured my confidence to fend for myself but I really thought it was just a "me"/"my family" thing. The fact that I'm not alone in this and that it might be a product of this cultural phenomenon is fascinating. But also shitty because I still can't take care of myself lol
THIS! I graduated in January and have no idea how to do like set up appointments or do paperwork or handle conflict. I was only ever taught to follow instructions.
@@smasome The autistic community on particular is taught in schools to follow societal norms and follow directions more than make our own decisions. They want us to be successful, but some of their methods just make us complacent instead.
It is good to let your children be independent however he doesn't acknowledge some of the biggest factors driving this change. Families were once really large and childhood mortality was much higher, so a woman having 8 children might expect that some would die before adulthood and they would still have 7 more children. My maternal grandmother had 9 children (3 died) and my paternal grandmother had 5. I had one sibling and now I have one child. Childhood mortality has dropped at the same time that the fertility rate has dropped. Children are less likely to die now but if they do, it is an even bigger loss to the family and society than it was before. THIS is why parents are more careful. Children are now seen as a more scarce resource and when resources are scarce, they are more protected. If you want to fix this, you'd need to increase the fertility rate and you'll only do that once America has better systems in place for families. Health care is crazy expensive. College is crazy expensive. If you want a good life, oftentimes both parents need to work now. This means less time to raise more children. Fix healthcare, college, and have better protections for parents... you will see the fertility rate rise and you will see less sheltered children.
To suggest that a parent has less grief over a child because she has more children is really insensitive, to say the least. The loss of a child is devastating, no matter how many children you have. Each child occupies a unique place not only in the parent’s heart, but in the whole family dynamics. The suggestion that somehow that loss is lessened by the birth/existence of additional children or is less painful is pretty reprehensible. And the suggestion of having “backup children” to mitigate loss is a ludicrous idea.
America didn't have systems in place back then. There was no welfare, medicare, no social security. There was polio, dust bowl famine, world war etc. Both parents had to work and so did their children-farm work. Although child labor was legal at some point. People didn't have access to effective birth control. Religion and society was very influential on the lack of "planned parenthood". Children were the retirement plan. And college is laughable when many didn't even finish grammar school because they had to go to work.
That's nonsense. At least the part about parents with many kids "expecting" one or two to die. Parents freak out about perceived dangers to their kids because the media sensationalizes each and every case where a kid (white girl generally.. Non white kids? Not so much) disappears. And even cute little white girls being snatched off the street is a rare occurrence. To this day, it has never happened in the town in which I was raised. And I don't know a single person who has had their kid snatched away. Zero. And I have lived in small towns, mid-sized towns, and large cities such as Atlanta (Yes, my mailing address is Atlanta, not a suburb). Outside of that first bit, you made some very valid points. But I must ask, what is a "good life"? It sounds like you measure it by material possessions. To all the fraidy cat parents out there: nobody is going to kidnap your kid. Scraped knees are a good thing. Little Suzy or Little Johnny are going to get over not being invited to the birthday party or being picked last for a game of kickball. Put your own damn phones down and don't let phones be your kids' babysitters. My mother stayed at home to raise me and my 3 siblings. At least until the youngest was in middle school. My father worked at a factory. We were well entrenched in the lower middle class. We only had 1 car, rarely took big vacations, and didn't wear the latest fashion trends. But we lived a good life. We always had a roof over our head, clothes on our back, and enough food to eat. I walked one block to my elementary school starting in 2nd grade, 6 blocks to my middle school, and a little over a mile to my high school. (Uphill both ways in the snow) And in the summer, we drove Mom nuts being in the house. I can't even begin to count how many times she told us (me and my brother mainly) to "go outside and get the stink off of us" instead of sitting in front of the TV. As long as we were home when the street lights came on, all was good. It's no wonder kids have so much anxiety now. Their parents (generally the tail end of my generation) raised them to be that way.
I think it's valuable to acknowledge societal issues that GEN-Z have grown up with, not just the way they've been raised. Theres also a whole lot of increased external stress factors they have that is different to do with college, the economy, job prospects, with housing - when GEN-Z's looks at their future it's different to all previous generations. Social media and it's affect on self esteem and self perception is also a huge one to a young person's levels of anxiety, and they've grown up alongside this. Social media being based in external validation and achievement, is a really warped thing to expect kids as young as 13 to try and start being aware of and relating it to themselves. There's a lot of factors of our kids heightened anxiety levels, it's not just GEN Z also where we've had this boom in anxiety and depression and we can't ignore the external societal factors that are the cause of it. It's not just because we think we've raised GEN Z too soft to deal with these external societal stresses, it's the stresses that are the root of the problem - anxiety and depression etc are a symptom and consequence.
As a Gen-Z individual, this whole video seemed like a massive insult. Basically like we’re getting called pussies in a more complicated sounding way. I feel like we have a lot of valid reasons to be angry or existential. It’s not just social media or us being sheltered. We are perhaps the opposite of sheltered since we are so utterly aware of things like climate change and abortion rights and the housing market and how we are exploited as workers. Maybe the problem is the fact that we know our rights and are aware we are being denied them.
Regardingthe economy, job prospects. every generation grew up with recessions. The stagflation of the 80s, doctom bubble burst of the early 2000s etc. That is not an excuse
@@TheJulianhuang I'm speaking from the perspective of someone living in the Southern Hemisphere, in New Zealand and Australia there is a massive housing crisis and inflation rates are making the cost of living unbearable. We have a cost of living crisis where young people have more or less accepted that they will never own a home, and will rent for the rest of their lives - whereas our parents generation could have bought a three bedroom home in their twenties and supported children at the same time. It is VASTLY different now with the average income, and the average price of a house. Younger generations are choosing to have children much later or much less because of it. The boomers in Australia and New Zealand were PAID to go to university because of government incentives at the time - yet every Millenial and GenZ I know has a mountain of student debt in comparison to their parents. That's how they begin adulthood unless they were lucky enough to have generational wealth that paid for their degree. Yes, obviously, there are always difficulties in every society and generation, but over here our younger generations are inarguably facing issues and specific economic crisis that our parents generation did not. So I don't know where you're situated in the world, but that's the perspective I'm coming from - and that's general knowledge and a hugely discussed issue with our governments trying to HELP younger people become homeowners and achieve financial stability that was much more accessible to our parents.
Not only that! Climate change. All these older people keep talking about playing outside. I remember playing outside a lot as a kid, my parents didn't give much of a damn when raising me, and then one summer it was just unbearable to be outside for more than an hour. So we (the kids in the neighborhood) would wait until 4-6PM to play. And by 8-9 we had to be mostly inside the house.
I was born in 2004 in a small town in Canada. My mother raised me how she was raised and I will always be thankful for the set of skills I was giving as a result. I know how to interact with people and be independent, I have no social media other than TH-cam and I’m starting my own business next year :) I grew up very poor and I think I’ve only benefited from my mothers struggles.
Nah you didn't benefit from your mom's struggles. you just haven't realized how screwed up your are yet. Don't worry the stress of owning a business will make all that come out
I realized things had dramatically changed when I saw a 11 yr old who couldn't make a PBJ because his mom didn't think he could handle a butter knife and spoon. That was right around 2005. I was cooking my own meals after school by 10. Boiling hot dogs, grilled cheese, etc... to feed myself as a latchkey kid. What he's saying about what the parents did to this generation is spot on.
No, what he's saying is an untestable generalization. I know people who say they've had the same kind of experience as you who have sh*t for real life skills, meaning people skills or common sense. They can't reason logically and they are uninterested in education or self-betterment.
@Bogus McBogus You're commenting everywhere arguing. But have offered nothing to counter beyond vague anecdotes. "I know people" isn't a good point because it could be 1) a lie or 2) not representative.
@@bogusmcbogus2637 😂 bruhhh. I legit don't care what you say because it's my point of view and because I'm Gen X, I'm a pro at idgaf. Deal with it. You are all emotionally involved. Relax, my guy. Relax. You gonna pop a vessel.
When you were a child everything was cheaper, and if you made a mistake, so what, it's not a big deal. A kid drops boiling water them selves, and burns their skin, and that a couple thousand dollars in medical debt at he hospital. You were over privileged.
I was born in 1999, and when I was going through the school system from about 2004 onward I remember feeling like my class in particular was singled out to be guinea pigs. They always had us testing or doing new things, and it felt even to my small mind that we weren't doing what kids before us had had the luxury of doing. I'm glad to hear my initial instincts from all those years ago being validated. I feel like I got off pretty well considering my cohort, but I'm still nowhere as comfortable in my own skin as I'd like to be, and looking around at many of my contemporaries, all fearful and neurotic, it makes me worried for the future, and the hard times that will inevitably accompany it.
Your my brothers age and he says the exact same thing calling his year the "Guinea pigs" as a 2000 gen z I feel the same, I'm not as sensitive but certainly not where I want to be
I've been teaching high school for 20 years (in 4 different countries) and every year the students complain about being guinea pigs (i.e. being subjected to new policies and practices that are experimental and which deprive them of benefits and experiences that previous generations had). I think being a guinea pig is more perception than reality.
This is not just happening in America. I remember as a child (Latin America), my school didn't even let me walk out for one block to my mom's car (so she could avoid traffic), because it was "dangerous". A BLOCK, in one of my city's safest zones. And it was like that even in high school. One of my fondest memories is when I could finally have the freedom to walk on my own wherever I wanted when I visited Europe. It's a shame kids and teens (myself included) are deprived of independence for so long
I am a retired early gen xer. I was a stay at home child because I liked to read. Didn’t like group sport. Didn’t have many friends. To this day I still have social anxiety and not comfortable talking to people (often saying strange things to people out of nerves or discomfort). I did try my best to experience the world by traveling and challenging myself to be physically active. Although I still don’t have many friends and the few I have are starting to drift away (life stages, distance etc), I don’t feel lonely. I was born an introvert with a desire to think, I am comfortable staying home to browse on line and tinkering with craft projects. I hope younger generations will challenge themselves one step at a time like I have. I learned how to budget, how to laundry, how to cook, and how to drive a stick shift (at 41). I have done activities outside of work to balance the desire to be a hermit. Growth was arrested because for decades I had no desire to be a wife and parent but it’s all good. I have achieved independence of mind spirit, and finance all by myself. Young people can do it, just try. A life lived without trying is truly wasted.
As a parent of two children, a son born in 2002 and a daughter in 2005, I can say if I could have had my way, my children would have been raised differently. It didn't seem as much up to me, though. Everyone around me seemed to tie my hands, my ex-husband always looking for me to mess up. He was a helicopter parent from the moment they were born and was very vocal pointing out other parents' "mistakes" long before our divorce. His mother was the same way. I never felt like I lived up to their standards, and the divorce just enforced those feelings, making me more worried about something happening on my watch. Also, society often blames the parent if something happens to their child. You hear how they should have never let them do that because that's what got them hurt, kidnapped, or even killed. I wish I could have let my kids run free from an early age just like I was allowed to do. I wish I had made a better choice in who I had children with. It would have made all the difference.
your ex husband sounds like my mom, and my mom micromanaged me all my life preaching her way is the best way. sometime in my early 30s i realized she wasn't 100% right. now she is retired sits in the corner and doesn't do anything - btw i'm 36 and living at home still. i mean granted i'm working and saving up for a house I play safe so hard that i'm honestly going to die never having lived. and i'm like shrug* whatever i guess.
After this talk I realized there were definitely a few milestones of independence : going to the movies alone with my older sis, and a couple years later, going yo the movies alone with a friend. I even remember the movies and where.
It really blew my mind when I met an American lady who was visiting New Zealand, at a dinner with my Aunt and Uncle. She were shocked when my uncle described his parents locking him and his brothers out of the house when children, so they could get some peace and quiet, so the kids played outside. Even myself as a younger generation, that was fairly normally and we'd go on adventures down to the river or the park by our house. The women said she would never let her children out of her sight, and never let them outside without her watching their every move. We all had a good chuckle about her after she left. But seems that behaviour isn't so uncommon there.
Here in the US, those of us raised during the 70s and 80s had parents physically and emotionally unavailable in the extreme. We were called the latch key kids, because we came home to empty houses or apartments and had our own keys. We made our own dinner, became adults at 10 and I saw a lot of those kids, Gen X kids, become the opposite kind of parents. They over corrected the problem by hovering, smothering and planning every minute of their kid's life. I'm frankly glad I was raised the other way. I'm strong, independent, resourceful and don't go to pieces when exposed to differing views or challenges.
I wonder what the crime rates are like in New Zealand? Here in America, I would say, especially those of that parents' generation & older, we were constantly fed news on crime in our areas. Those of us (like myself) who were unfortunate enough to have grown up in a rough neighborhood had that an actual day-to-day reality. So actual vs. perceived reality on crime, I think, plays a part in how American parents parent. You also must remember that through the 70s - 90s, we had a string of high-profile serial killers (Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer, John Wayne Gacy) that terrorized America. I always got the impression that New Zealand was a relatively safe place. Please correct me if I'm wrong, though.
@@artmonkey24 during those years you mentioned, latch key kids were raising ourselves, lol. We walked to and from school alone, came hoe to empty houses and parents seldom had any idea where we were. I didn't see a shift in that until the 2000s. It's not the news, either, as our parents saw the same doom and gloom reporting then as well.
@thegentlelivingchannel I wonder if it's those same latchkey kids grown up that started instilling fear into their kids as a complete opposite then of what happened to them in their childhoods? Do you have children, and if so, what are your attitudes towards raising them?
I was born in 1990, and I can't relate to people 10 years younger, but I never had any issue with older people (5-10-15-20+). It's like something broke up in the 90s. Very insightful video.
In the 90s we were getting shot randomly by gang members doing a drive by and still went out to play. These narcissists threaten self harm if you don't note their idiotic pronouns.
Same. 80% of my relationships have been with older women rather than younger, and that last 20% have been some of the most frustrating and anxiety-inducing relationships where I was second-guessing if I accidentally put my dick in crazy. 90's kids vs. Gen Z really feels just the simple difference of getting basic texting at age 16 at the earliest vs. growing up with a smartphone + social media, and it's absolutely astounding what a dramatic difference it makes. As he touched on, I get that different generations tend to be judgemental of each other, but I don't remember having friends born in the 70s vs. friends born in the 80s that didn't get along or were overly judgy about generational differences. It does *NOT* feel normal that even the 90's kids are looking at Gen Z and going "yo hold up, wtf they doin over there lol."
@@Longknife Nah. Im a Gem Z kid amd I fomd that millennials temd to be moe nnitpicky of generational gaps than even Boomers. Gen X amd millennials are very self rightwpus in theor cynicism amd acvuse their juniors of weakness for anything.
@@Longknife Oddly, or maybe not so, some of what called 'genZ' (read: me and several 2000's friends) also feel disconnected from the majority of the cohort and beyond. It's worth extra efforts just to get to know them casually and being hard-thinking and isolated didn't help, but the contrasts between that small minority and the rest is unpleasantly interesting, such small example you can compare from some genZ comments here vs. the gibberish above yours. I guess you can call me millennials too because of this, some of us do bond more or better with genX and Y.
I think it's also important to remember that because of the way North American cities and towns have developed since WW2, it's actually physically more difficult for kids to be independent now than it was, say, 75 or even 50 years ago. It's impossible to go anywhere or do anything without a car. Going to school, going to practice, going to a friend's house. Unless you live in the downtown of a major city like NYC/Boston/Philly/Chicago/etc. with good walkability/bikability/public transit, your parents will have to drive you to where you need to go and that further limits the opportunities for childhood independence. I was born in '95 and my parents were probably an exception. They didn't let us spend too much time watching TV or playing on the computer because they just thought it wasn't good for us. So we did spend a lot of time outside, but our neighborhood wasn't very big and there just weren't many other kids around. There was also no public transport were we grew up so my parents drove us to every place we needed to go. I highly recommend a video called "Why We WON'T Raise Our Kids in Suburbia" from a channel called Not Just Bikes. Talks a lot about the issues in this video and in this comment.
This exactly, even if ur parents DO allow u to leave and explore for urself, chances are the nearest thing is miles and miles away and it’s easier to get there in a car. Contrast that with europe, asia, or even parts of Latin America where u could easily get anywhere by just walking
+1 ...That video from Not Just Bikes came to mind right away while listening to this. It really unfortunate that the dependency on cars in this country is making us not just physically unhealthy but also mentally.
I grew up with my mom in Chicago, grandparents in the suburbs and spent my time divided between both. I walked and used my bike in the suburbs, lol. Unless it was brutally cold. Most suburbs are set up around a central area where everything is fairly close together, resource-wise. So I didn't find my time in the suburbs made things less accessible, not did I need to be driven everywhere. Also kids in the suburbs usually start driving the minute they are legally allowed and often have use of a family car or buy cheap used ones.
@@Kinesiology411Chicago isn't everywhere unfortunately, and maybe suburbs that aren't centered or even kinda near bigger cities exist, where resources are miles and miles apart. I walk and bike, but that can take up 1-2+ hours of my day. I work a full time job as well. I could get a car, but I want to refuse the car centricity of America, and also stay more physically fit along as environmentally friendly.
@@Udontkno7 all suburbs have a central area for groceries, etc. All of them. Your bizarre refusal to drive is your own problem. Your feet work. Your legs work. Just not the brain, apparently., lol. Good luck with that
Born 1991. My Mother was TERRIFIED of me being abducted. To the point I couldn't visit friends until I was 17. At that point I didn't care to. I still don't. I have a 3 year old and I am also terrified. Not sure what to do about it cuz kids DO get abducted.. sometimes from right next to you. Also, if you let your kid's wander the streets nowadays you can be seen as a bad parent. I'm working on it..
I’m the same with my 18 year old😫. The thing is, we’re constantly bombarded with terrible news and then we’re blamed for the effect it has on our brains x
Just know that if anyone is going to abduct your kid which is rare in and of itself it's statistically going to be someone you know vs. a complete stranger.
@@riskyb250 This is important for people to understand. The Amber alerts I have received lately have all been from a parent who doesn't have custody "abducting" their child. I'm not saying that its right, but its not the stranger danger we were taught. If you are in a custody battle with an ex, maybe you worry a little, if not, the chance of your child being abducted is extremely small.
Fuck what other people think and be the best parent you can be. Prepare your child and protect her to an extent, daddy isn't always going to be there for her, such is the nature of life. Preparing her for the world is much better long term.
Though I agree people in my age range are more fragile, but certain example especially the one about protect me from that book is not something I have ever heard anyone in my generation say. It is almost exclusively the parents that want to "protect" kids from certain books.
There are movements on both sides of the political spectrum - conservatives want to ban books that talk about LGBTQ issues and liberals want to either ban or "update" books that may have been written when certain things were not considered bigoted but are now, at least within far left groups. So while it may not be your generation, it is people on both sides of the aisle acting with you in mind - in the same way that Haidt points out that Gen-Z has been overprotected physically, they've also been told that they are "fragile" and cannot handle ideas that might seem weird or wrong, so they are simply removed from viewing instead of being a good way to learn critical thinking. And some in Gen-Z basically have come to believe in this fragility and carry it along with them to college where they don't want books, or particularly speakers who might go against their political/cultural leanings. Haidt's book The Coddling of the American Mind goes into this in a good amount of detail.
It should be worth noting that the whole "protect me from that book" is an entirely separate issue and doesn't actually pertain to anything he is talking about. First of all he is framing it "protect me from that book," as if it is coming from the individual seeking their own interests. This does not happen, this has literally NEVER happened. Children and students are not asking and indeed have again, literally - never asked to be "protected" from certain books. This has always come from ignorant parents whose issues stem from more than just having a problem with a book. This has nothing to do with that he is talking about. It has nothing to do in how children have been raised. It is EXCLUSIVELY a right wing ideological movement that is the basis for the widespread book banning that we are seeing now. The foundation of this is again, exclusively trenched in racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, and xenophobic sentimentality. We know this for a fact, because books that talk about race or sexuality or nationality or ethnicity or gender are the ONLY books being banned or removed. It has to do with this desire to pass down traditions of ignorance, because the people doing it see race and sexuality and gender and ethnicity of little to no importance, to the point where they want their children to be completely ignorant of it. And this is happening entirely because people in positions of power, who maintain those same bigoted traditional values, are validating such sentiments. It is their goal to delegitimize individuals of color, certain religions, certain genders, and certain ethnic backgrounds as human beings and to legitimize the dehumanization of them. They ban books from schools and libraries so that children remain ignorant of the various forms of oppression done to these groups of people, and so that instead these parents can teach their kids some sort of justification for it. This is quite literally, and that word is not an exaggeration, what the Nazi did to jews and indeed other groups of individuals like nonwhites and gay people. That is because we have literal Nazis in our government, the most famous of which, and it is no surprise that this Third Reich-esque widespread book banning is happening in his state, and that is the governor of Florida Ron DeSantis. He is a literal Nazi, white supremacist, and fascist. He is a Nazi, and indeed it needs to be acknowledged and admitted that many of his constituents, many of the citizens living in Florida are Nazis too. This not opinion or sensationalism, it has legit been studied to death, and the fact of the matter is that over a quarter of the population of the US identifies with Nazi and white supremacist ideology. It is very disingenuous for Jonathan here to include this seemingly minor detail and stuff it in with the rest of these ineffective forms of child rearing, when in reality it has nothing to do with what he is talking about and is its own separate issue that is incredibly dangerous and needs to be called out directly for what it is as opposed to being dressed up and lump in with everything else he is talking about.
While you are right that it is generally the parents who are the book burners du jour, it is kids on college campuses who protest even ALLOWING a guest speaker who has controversial viewpoints. I have also never heard an adult complain about "micro-aggressions".
I was born in 1946. In my childhood, it was common for 8 or 9 year olds to “ go out and play “ with an admonition of “be home by 5!” Kids played in and about neighborhoods without adult involvement. Pick-up games were common (hide and go seek, baseball, marbles, whatever.) For years now, I haven’t seen these types of self-organized kid activities. And the neighborhood is certainly no more dangerous today then it was then.
Im a dog walker, so walking all day long throughout the neighborhoods in town. I never see kids outside. I mean never never unless they’re being escorted to the car by an adult. You won’t hear them, you won’t see them. But there must be kids there, because there are no less than two dozen basketball hoops in one neighborhood alone. Almost every house. But you’ll never see them in use. Also very sad that there’s quite so many hoops…does that mean everyone is just playing by themselves but parallel to one another? Kids don’t play together. If I showed you a picture of the street with all the unused basketball hoops lined up, you’d think you were looking at some kind of creepy abandoned movie set.
I guess it differs from region to region still, I'm from the Netherlands, born in 98 and I'd usually straight go to a friend's place after school, call my mom from there to ask what time I had to be home for dinner and from there on out just headed into the village or the nature around it to play. I do have a lot of city-raised friends now who had a much more 'helicopterized' childhood, and with them I definitely recognize the inability to take charge of their lives.
I’m only 16 but I feel like the times I’ve grown the most as a person has been the times where I’ve been beaten up (emotionally) and had to crawl my way through it making mistake after mistake until eventually reaching a desired outcome. It sucks in the moment but it is so worth those experiences once you’re able to look back.
I used to be a staff therapist on an adolescent psychiatric unit. I have met many survivors of sexual abuse. Rarely by strangers, most often family, friends, neighbors or mom's boyfriend. Stranger danger is a myth.
I’m 20 and I was so overprotected that I struggle now to keep a basic job anywhere or even get a license because I’m so socially behind. I struggle socializing and just talking to strangers that no matter how I much I want I fear of “what could happen”
I have met many people who deal with this. Now they play VRChat (free on Steam) and have slowly learned to socialize through actual experience. I am much older, but it has helped me too.
In my experience teasing, taunting and bullying don’t make the victim stronger. It does, however, make the attacker more confident insofar as they realise that there aren’t many real penalties for their anti-social behaviour.
Amen. Even though he says CBT and critical thinking skills are the answer, I wish he was more clear that a return to tolerating bullying is NOT the answer. One of the things that helps victims of bullying recover is when they hear "you were bullied and that was wrong." That message helps REDUCE fragility. As far as I understand.
Being bullied and excluded didn’t help me grow and become more resilient. It just destroyed my self-esteem, crippled my social skills, gave me social anxiety, and made me isolate myself from others because I couldn’t trust people anymore.
As a new adult, I find these issues hit home. I struggle with doing new things on my own. Even small things like making a doctors appt. or paying a ticket are mentally challenging for me to overcome sometimes. I have gotten significantly better at doing these things, but I do procrastinate a bit. The thought of moving away to college next year terrifies me. Thinking about all the things I will have to do alone and figure out myself is scary. It's comforting knowing I'm not the only one struggling with this, and I'm glad it's being researched.
College student here, I’d say before you go please go to the doctor and talk about your mental health. That first step will help you out a lot with the stress of the world. Find answers
How can you possibly find it difficult to make a doctor’s appointment? I’ve seen someone else who says the same things but I just find it puzzling how it can be. Mind you I’m also Gen Z but I find doing things like that easy to the point where it’s boring now, I started making appointments myself right after I turned 18 and don’t think it’s weird at all. I’m almost finished college and have been traveling from place to place over the past year and don’t find “adult” things challenging at all, I just think they’re very easy and boring, at least not the “doing” part, which I find just routine and boring, but the emotional part is another question
You know this is an especially good video when Big Think includes the "thank you" at the end of the video and they're active in the comments section. Fragility is on the rise and something needs to be done about it for sure
The first minute of this video gripped my attention because I resonated with everything that was said. I was trying to tell my mom this exact thing, but in Gen Z language so dhe didn’t understand. I basically grew up in my bedroom and on the internet because my mom wouldn’t let me out of her sight if I did go outside. I didn’t want to go out anyway, since there was nothing to do. The complex was filled with working adults and the other 2 kids was either my bully or some weird kid I didn’t like. I couldn’t even say I had a true friend until 8th grade. Mentally I’m so messed up because my world has taught me that if I can’t be a proper underaged adult then there’s no reason to invest in me. And I suffer from that mentality myself- I mentally condemn myself if I quit a job or make the wrong decisions, because if I wasn’t going to do it, the adults in my life would. I sincerely hope us as a generation wasn’t too scarred by our upbringing. Because things are looking bleak for those who can’t afford therapy and a better living situation.
Thanks for sharing your story and I'm sorry for your struggles. Keep telling your story because the only way Millennials and Gen Y will believe it is if they hear it from the generation they were so desperately trying to protect
Over half of that doesn't apply to low income/working class kids. They're too busy trying to not lose their jobs, pay their bills and avoid crippling student/healthcare debt to be offended/fearful of everything. Many of them don't even go to college, because it's too expensive, and their parents can't give them good financial advice. There are exceptions, but most either end up joining the military, learn a trade or live a life of constant struggle. These people aren't fragile and they make up a lot of the population, and it feels like both the media and the universities like to pretend they don't exist.
I was raped and molested very often by dozens of men growing up in the 80s and 90s. Growing up as a young girl, I was constantly being solicited by grown men. I escaped and fought off most of them. It has taken me a lifetime to heal, and most never heal that. I refuse to subject my daughters to that. Obviously, I don't deprive my children of social interaction, and I teach them about the world. I, by far, do not shelter them. However, I think young girls have a much different experience in this world than young boys. The world isn't as safe as the man in this video portrays. There definitely has to be a balance. Sheltering your children isn't the solution... but neither is neglecting them.
I think the word "weak" is wrong. That's a very subjective term. I think Gen Zers show a lot of strength and stamina and resolve, just not in the ways older American generations tend to value.
This is something I noticed but I was naturally explorative back as a child, where as early as 4 I'd go, get out of the hotel doors and find my way to the pool and just walk around. My parents usually lost me because of my adventurous spirit that instead of nurturing that sense of adventure, I was put on a leash. And honestly, it explains why as I was around 7 to 16 I gave up on doing something that my parents would disapprove, which in my perception seemed to be just about everything.
I preferred to just play with toys or video games and often times would use the entire time my parents are away (because my grandmother actually gave me some freedom to play video games despite advising me to not play for too long) to play video games and pretend I wasn't (to infinite success) when they arrived, I'd be less trusting and talkative and prefer to talk with outside sources such as the internet after some point, I wouldn't even talk very openly about my sexual development with anyone and what I felt because I felt like I already knew the answer was going to be some sort of reprimanding or admonishment for even thinking about some things. It wouldn't be until later on when I went through several changes of hell to realize who I actually was and feel like I could explore a little more and do some more things, but I still have that fear that I'm doing something wrong sometimes when I'm not. I need the verbal, clear approval of others before doing something, and I still hide a lot of things because I perceive the world as a threat ready to bombard me and discard me to the graveyard the moment I sound, behave or identify as a widely hated group without hearing any reasoning from my part. In a world like what the video described, where my fellow Gen Z and Gen Post-Z will be raised a lot more sheltered because of this never ending paranoia, where the many tribal mentalities the video mentioned are prevalent, it ultimately ends up being a self-reinforcing problem until someone steps up a-la Martin Luther King and actually breaks the cycle and helps us snap out of it.
I am pretty sure Jonathan Haidt is one of the most important thinkers we have currently. His peacefull and rational views on alot of topics are really nececarry nowadays. Thank you.
As a master ballet pedagogue in my final year prior to retirement, there has been a paradigm shift of monumental proportions in my experience. Professional ballet training and mere mention of the word “fragility” have always and will always remain incongruous - today, tomorrow and into perpetuity! I am witnessing the fallout of raising fragile children. Teaching requires students move, of their own volition, through an open door, stepping out of “self” into the unknown, unfamiliar and uncomfortable. Many - not all, ostensibly appear “allergic” to discomfort, constructive criticism, focal stamina and critical thinking, to name only a few inherent conflicts in becoming their ballet best. We are doing these children no favors in the long run, deeply saddened and profoundly concerning. Beautifully articulated, thank you for this!
Let me ask you this. "As a master." What does the word mean to you in terms of craft and teaching, and your relationship to students? Please feel free to go beyond your title and talk about your teaching philosophy as well. I have some experience in the arts (music) and the teaching side of it is greatly interesting to me. Thanks.
I never thought about how the current mentality would impact arts such as ballet, which is renowned for its difficulty, and other technically demanding skills to master such as classical music. How sad. I hope we don't lose these priceless arts.
@@michellemarie9526 there's been a lot of research into student-centered modes of learning in music. not much of it has been adopted into teaching, because teaching is about tradition and results, and also because arts education is under perpetual threat. the "master tradition" (what i was hoping to encourage Bette Ann to comment on) is not easily dislodged, and it is firmly teacher-centered. it's not about the wellbeing of the student at all unless the teacher wants it to be.
"Instead of creating a safe environment that's conducive to human health by undoing all the destructive aspects of society we have implemented for our own good, let's just gaslight young people that they are being too sensitive and that there's nothing wrong with the world they are growing up in" How come when frogs start dying off in an environment, scientists try to understand what's going on with the ecology that is causing that, instead of blaming the frogs for being too fragile?
Funny. I'm guessing the irony of your message being a perfect example of black-and-white, united against 'them', "my feelings are the center of universe" mentality is completely lost on you. No-one is saying there is nothing wrong with the world. What they are saying that the world is objectively less dangerous than 40 years ago, but the modern children see it exactly as the opposite, because of how the modern parenting, education and the social media work.
@@mihars75 This kind of technique, where you look at your perspective and try to see the situation from an objective standpoint, is something I have often done myself, especially in situations that I couldn't control But to a certain degree it's just trying to take the tooth out of people's anger and telling them they shouldn't get so angry about the injustices of the world. So while reevaluating your perspective can be important, it doesn't mean it negates what people are angry about Plus, of course for someone like him, a white cis male professor, there is very little danger in this world. But usually people are protesting for the people in the world who are still being regularly mistreated all around the world. Women, non-binary, trans, gay people, people of color, people in war torn countries, immigrants, refugees, children of abuse... Even just the regular young person has much less power than the person in this video and they have to deal with a damaged and dying world left to them by the generations before them, and they constantly have to jump through the hoops that people of power put before them. Just because overall we have debatebly less wars and inequality to deal with, doesn't mean that we should just be happy with how things are currently. Imagine healing a burn victim only halfway through, and then telling them to stop whining, they are much better off then before. The anger of the people that go to the street to protest is valid, and I won't let someone who is in a position of personal safety and privilege tell me otherwise. It's easy for him to say that everyone is just "fragile". The concerns of the so called "fragile" do not concern him.
@@bunnysupreme74 you are correct, but you are also missing the point. Even if I accept your assertion that only white cis-men are safe - there is no shortage of angry ones among them. So, the problems outlined in the video still exist, even in your paradigm. It's just you're assuming that he societal forces that have stoked that anger work only on "them"
@@mihars75 yeah, you are right, that people of all colors, ethnicities, and gender have a reason to be angry. A white cis man might have a huge problem with how the world treats men, for example, among other things. I just had a problem with him criticizing people that go out there fighting for human rights. It just seems unfair, and as if he just cannot relate, especially since the whole video just showed his perspective and not for a second the perspective of those he criticizes. Also, taking Martin Luther king as an example was kinda weird. Black people were specifically being marginalized by white people. Even if he built a platform of unity, there clearly was a perpetrator for the crimes his fellow men and women suffered. And there was a history of literal enslavement of black people by white people. And marginalization of people of color by white people. Not all white people, but a lot of them. So saying that there wasn't an enemy is kinda missing the point. I get that focusing on unity instead of difference can be more productive. But I've often seen this narrative used as a way to avoid the real problem. Kinda like when a company cruelly exploits its workers, but then tells them "it's not very useful to just see us as an enemy. Thats very black and white of you, very us against them, my point of view is the most important." it invalidates how they feel. I've been to a couple companies where the workers were made to feel they were simply too weak as people, when it's really the company trying to gaslight and use them If people of power and privilege really want unity instead of war, they should show it. I wanna see them show they have empathy, that they care, that they want change as much as the people that get marginalized. All I see though, for the most part, is people in power and privilege sitting in their ivory tower, away from what other people have to go through, while pushing the responsibilty on anyone but themselves
@@bunnysupreme74 I think most of this makes sense to me, but I have two callous. First, I do not think the excesses of the people who " go out to fight for people's rights" should be above criticism. Specifically, i think dehumanisation of a human opponent is a pretty important line to cross. Second, I do not think that something that "gives teeth" to progress is such a good thing if it also clouds judgment and/or gives the same teeth to bigots - and most of the things in the video fall into this category, imo.
I’m an older millennial (b. mid 80s), I watched the technology take over society and felt like I was at the forefront of something. I vividly remember how much I hated it when having a computer in homes became de facto mandatory. Luckily my single mom made enough and we came from a middle class extended family, we were able to have the necessary tech to “keep up”, but I remember kids whose families didn’t have those resources. I spent my childhood with tons of unsupervised and unscheduled time as far back as I can remember, and tons of time outdoors. I was a latchkey kid with couple years younger sister whom I had to take care of while our mom was at work. Cable from the 1990s raised us and I’m grateful for it. My childhood was rough and tumble and it’s made me a resilient adult. I haven’t had an easy life actually, it’s been pretty economically tough coming from a working class small town. Especially since I’m gay and came out in middle school (mid 90s). I just wanna point out that I think the fragile kids are mostly coming from upper and upper middle class families, I think most working class kids are still pretty tough. Haidt here is selling a particular ideology, it must be said. Of course, he is not wrong about many empirical assessments of current youth culture, but his prescriptions border on pontification. Thank goodness I had the food sense and good fortune to never have wanted kids myself, but now that I’m old enough to have Gen Z kids myself (i.e. I’m officially “old” according to them), I always have a standard retort when somebody wants their feelings to control a situation. I simply point out that ideology does not arise from feelings but the other way around. They feel certain things because they hold certain implicit beliefs about themselves and the world, they have an ideology. I encourage all people to examine their own ideologies and at least be aware that we all inhabit some ideology or another. Even Jon Haidt.
@Aila Verco I hope you’re not somehow implying that the fragile, neurotic kids from money are respectful, kind, and good communicators…cause that’d be a joke. I privately teach music lessons to many of them, and my partner works at a private art school where most of the undergraduate students come from moneyed families, and genuinely half of them can’t look people in the eye or respond when addressed and they freak out about something every 5 seconds. It’s absolutely pathetic. If working class kids seem mean to you, then I guess you’ll need to get a helmet, cause life is a bumpy ride and nobody cares about your whining. I’ll take lack of empathy over blubbering mess any day.
I used to be a big fan of Jonathan Haidt with his book the Righteous Mind. However, as his work has focused more on the “fragility” of the “youth,” I’ve found myself more and more critical of him. I am on the older end of people born within this cohort, and while I have seen the negative impact of things like social media and increased surveillance and structuring of kid’s time, Haidt ends up generalizing very complex issues and using a small cohort of young people (residential college students engaged in activism) to make his point. I grew up with the first cohort of kids to get social media as teenagers, and I currently do counseling with adolescents born in the mid to late aughts. What Haidt is describing, I have only observed in kids who were raised with familial wealth-who had the money to monitor and supervise and shield kids. However, I know many, many young people, in their late 20s to adolescence who have struggled with their mental health. Not because of tribalism or and over reliance on their feelings, but because our society has been structured to make them lonely, because they are more in debt, because their families reject their sexuality/gender identity, because their chances of buying a house/getting a full time job/doing as well as their parents have dwindled. We have a generation with personal crises, but those crises are not primarily because the current generation thinks in cognitive distortions, it is because we live in an alienated society with fewer opportunities for the vast majority of young people. The media does a good job of fueling controversy and blaming it on young, overzealous activists. However, most young people aren’t engaged in activism, and the ones who are overzealous as teenagers generally outgrow it. Haidt’s ideas have become circumscribed by the fact that his biggest experience of working with young people was at NYU, a wealthy private school with a non representative sample of students. There’s some truth in what he says, but I find most of it to be a stretch.
First time in history people from less privileged backgrounds and minorities got the opportunity to share their experiences and a lot of people who are not used to seeing those people on top or have platforms are unhappy about it. I don't like enemy politics either but there will always be outrage from the people who are denied basic human rights, health care, etc they are just pointing out the obvious and how those things directly affect their lives, and like it or not they will always see people at power who making laws against them as their enemy. Diversification is important. Every old generation thinks the generation after them is fragile but at the end of the day, we are doing our best ❤
Dr. Haidt is a status quo kinda guy, I feel. He's a psychologist but his chair is at a business school (NYU, IIRC). There must be a reason. If you ask me, its because he's anxious about the younger generations challenging established (if not necessarily correct) cultural wisdom. That includes formerly silenced groups now finding a voice in the conversation. Haidt's big mark on public discourse has been the "moral matrix," where he theorizes that conservative morality is more nuanced because they're not just about caring and fairness, as progressives are. Authority, sanctity and in-group matter just as much. Unfortunately "5 is better than 2" seems to be his conclusion.
I'm not an American but I definitely can relate. As someone who was born in 2004, my early childhood was good, I played with the children from our apartment complex, but as I started getting older and got technology and internet in my hands when I was 8/9, I rarely went outside to play. My parents didn't let me go to my friends' house easily; had to beg for it most of the times (even though one of my friend's house was couple streets away). One time when I was 15 ,my parents almost made a call to the police because I was running late to home by 25 minutes. Even though I am very grateful to have such caring parents, I feel as though I couldn't do things I wanted to do or go to places I wanted to go to. I slowly but surely became addicted to the internet and instead of turning on the T.V to watch cartoon network as soon as I got home, I opened youtube(and watched FBE lol). It became so much worse during covid, I would spend every waking moment online. It's becoming better because I was going to go insane if I consumed even one more video of some kinda random shit that I have no concern about.
I mean triggers are real for deeply traumatized people and addicts. It's not always a choice to have strong reactions to triggers, that's not to say there are people with very low tolerance to challenging situations though.
With greater access to mental health information via the internet, I think a lot of academic lexicon (words traditionally used by professionals in the field of psychology, such as "triggers," "gaslighting," "narcissist," etc.) has been misinterpreted or misused by the public as the words enter common vocabulary. Some people use "trigger" to describe something they simply find annoying, so the increased usage of the word might not necessarily mean that there more young people actually experiencing triggers. I wouldn't be surprised, though, if a good number of people weaponize the term simply to avoid dealing with discomfort, which may in turn, lead to lower tolerance to challenges.
Yeah, quite disingenuous to say as a supposed mental health professional. I'm sure many trauma survivors can smell the fishiness of this video as a whole.
I'm old. When I was about 8 years old, my younger sister and I used to take the bus into a nearby city for weekly dance lessons. My mom took us the first time to show us the way. After that we were on our own. I don't recall being frightened at all, ever, during those trips. We also did things like walk with friends to a not immediately close local library and shopping area to load up on books and buy a snack at a local lunch counter. As for play, our parents had no idea where we (all the neighborhood children) or what we were doing and were simply called home for dinner. I lament that children no longer experience that amazing feeling of freedom.
Good stuff Jonathan. As a Historian, I will suggest that this is part of a larger historical pattern in Anglo-American history. What also happened in the 90s (so the same time as when we have seen this change in children) is that, as a culture, we decided that “pain should be banished.” It started in the pharmaceutical industry, and to be generous, I will say that they did what they did for noble reasons. Still, from that, we suddenly thought to “protect the kids” and that spread throughout our society. I have worked with students for other 30 years, and the education industry also began to speak in terms of “eliminating pain” around the mid-00s. Of course all of that movement is disastrous because, as most know, pain is a teaching tool, whether physical pain or pain within the life on the self (getting a bad grade, not making the first string, not getting the artistic part because not talented enough, not getting the raise, etc…).
@@JohnSmith-ti2kp I see the danger of backlash. We could become a sadistic society that inflicts a lot of meaningless pain. Or wait a minute... _maybe we're that way already!_
These kids have anxiety because they feel entitled to comfort and in reality no one wants to humor their Narcissism. Have an opinion? "That's hate speech! Silence them!". They're lonely and angry for good reason. Not fit for society, like a rabid dog.
In 2009 a friend of my brother had his son over for a visit, and that was when I realized something really bad had started with parenting. He and his wife had agreed to never use the word *_NO_* to their child(ren) and I literally had to restrain myself from not screaming bloody murder right then and there. How the hell can you train a young child to think he should be allowed to do anything, and that nothing is wrong, is beyond me. He must have serious issues by now entering the real world where there definitely is a right and wrong, and when people do tell him no he will most definitely be faced with a wall of fear because it is just something he doesn't know how to deal with. Bubble wrapping children is the worst mistake any parent can do, because it is only mistakes we can learn from. By removing things(challenges) that can make your child grow just because *_YOU_* are afraid, is making your child fear as well. I see it all over the place where adult after adult are just spreading their own fear onto other people's lap as if that is to care for someone else, when it is the complete opposite. If you are afraid, just keep it to yourself. Allow others to fail on their own, because that's the only way anyone can ever become stronger and more resiliant to life itself. I've seen children walk around with helmets, because parents are afraid of them falling, and I just wish I could do something to save that child from destruction. Allow children to fall and learn that falling hurts. It never means that you want your child to knock their teeth out, it only means that you want it the freedom to grow, and the only way to become tougher is to do tough things.
Making a conscious decision to never tell your child no is absolute lunacy. It won't be difficult to connect the dots trying to figure out why that kid is the one that no one likes.
> the real world where there definitely is a right and wrong ...and it often has nothing to do with fairness, kindness, helpfulness or other moral teachings we tried to impart. It has to do with things like obligation, expectation, and following orders to earn a livelihood.
I just missed the cut off here born in 92 but I noticed even when I was in college how many of my peers couldn’t do simple tasks like ordering food over the phone because that was scary and could be awkward. It was as if any possible uncomfortable situation was to be avoided. That was shocking to me to say the least but I it makes more sense after watching this.
I had helicopter parents growing up. I’m grateful for what my family did for me, but at the same time I realize there are times I’ve become so reliant on them and that it’s hindering my independence as I get older. They almost never believed I could do anything on my own without their supervision because they thought I wasn’t “street smart” but I couldn’t have learned because I was never allowed in those situations. I know they didn’t want anything to happen, but I wonder what I’d be capable of if they didn’t raise me that way.
Totally agree with this!!! I let my children have more and more freedom to choose their own fates as they got older, let them walk home from school, be unsupervised for increasing lengths of time and so on. I was criticized for this and had more than one butt-insky stranger tell me I was a bad parent but I didn't let it get to me. I stuck to my guns. The world is not the super dangerous place it is made out to be. We must let our children learn to trust their OWN instincts before we turn them out into the world at 18. If we have made every decision for them and supervised their every move, they will NOT BE PREPARED. Now grown, both my children are responsible and contribute to society. They make their own decisions, have self-agency and healthy self esteems.
Thank you! I was walking to school alone before my friends were even allowed to play on the street unsupervised. While I had freedom, none of my friends did so essentially neither did I. I now see that I am much more independent than my friends. I moved out for university while almost all of them stayed home.
2000’s child and psychology major here, and I’ve seen first hand through middle and high school the dependency on technology and the rise in social anxiety. This is actually one of the topics that got me interested in psychology as my high school graduating class consisted of 40 people, all of which I knew quite well. Most of this kids were homeschooled their entire life and had a schedule of consisting of not much more than homeowner and video games. I noticed a lot of these people staying home, doing community college, and continuing to live with their parents well after high school. The need for “safety” is a real thing for this generation and they have a hard time getting out of their comfort zone. I feel lucky to have my electronic consumption restricted as a kid, and I see that those who also were restricted struggle way less with these issues.
I was homeschooled. I went to community college after highschool and lived with my parents until I was in my early 20's. I found that I acclimated better to the community college atmosphere than did my peers from public school. I was more used to the freedom it provided and the independence we needed to show in order to get a degree. I frequently left campus between classes, and no Administrators showed up if we started missing classes with increasing frequency. ('We' being general; I always attended.) They simply flunked us (again, in general) and moved on. A lot of public schooled students had to learn some hard lessons, because they were not even used to being able to take an ibuprofen for a headache without adult supervision, never mind walk to the drugstore between classes to buy a bottle if you were caught without. When I transferred to the university, I found that they were treating the students as if they were still teens in highschool. There was a lot less independence expected or even allowed. I found the atmosphere more stifling and disliked it. My employment history was much more like my experience in community college; you had the times when you were expected to attend, with consequences if you did not, and nobody watched to see where you went when you were not on the clock. Because I stayed at home during my college years and went to community college instead of a private university (I finished my degree at a state U), I graduated with only a thousand dollars of debt, and started working full-time right away; since I had learned, as community college students often do, that the important thing was to get your degree in a skill that was in demand, I chose computer science instead of art as my major. Haidt starts his piece by pointing out that these kids spend less time going out with friends, don't get a driver's license as often, don't go out on dates, don't work for money as much. I went out with friends at least weekly, got my driver's license, dated, worked for money during my entire time at college, and lived for a full year alone before marrying. In short, I don't believe that "going to community college" or "living in your parents' home" are signs of sheltered parenting. It has simply made sense for many, many decades, and the 90's kids are the strange ones who get the weird impression that people have been able to afford an unshared apartment starting at graduation from highschool on a minimum wage job since, like, 1620... or that "real life" constitutes going from your parents' home and your sheltered highschool life to your "dorm mom" and your sheltered university life.
Born in 1992. Mom hovered and put bars on my window. She did everything for me, even when I got a bit older and didn't want her to. I can't blame her for the way I withdrew myself from the world. I never practiced initiating with people or being friendly. Had introverted hobbies that were looked at as being not enough, so felt forced into hobbies like piano and dance for years. I have no friends and no social ties at 30. I was trying, but it's too painful. I want to be alone.
It’s okay to be alone sugar. Do what makes you comfortable. You’re doing everything right, just try to step a little more outside of your comfort zone everyday. ❤
"Every generation loves to complain about the generation coming along"...good summary of the video. There was never-ending complaints about my generation too, who is on the left side of all your charts. There will be more assessments for the next generation, showing how much better kids were 20 years ago.
Anxiety in kids is discussed all the time and highlighted by adults. No wonder kids have become anxious - it is being modelled by parents, adults around them. In my generation we played in the park next door by ourselves at a very young age and only came home when the cow bell was rung from my father. I would have hated it if we were ‘supervised’ by parents. This is where we skinned our knees, climbed the walnut trees, made huts, accidentally broke the fire hydrant, played war (ok I was a tomboy). This is where we sorted out who was in charge, where our skill sets were and how to stand up for ourselves and learned the skills of compromise without an adult. How do kids learn these skills nowadays and how to they learn resilience? The sad answer is that they don’t. All this ‘coddling’ has robbed our young of essential life skills 😢
My daughter was born in 1995. Her mother coddled and protected her. Drove her everywhere, made sure she was in some sort of sports league that she never wanted to participate in, etc. She was pretty much free range when she was with me. “Be home by dinner” was the only thing I cared about. I taught her to drive a stick shift when she was 13 on back county roads. But work took me across the country, so my influence waned. She didn’t want to go to college (fine by me, I did tell her get a skill though, but she didn’t ), she didn’t get her driver’s license until she was 19, she has done nothing to make herself independent. Any advice I have tried to give her over the years is regarded as an attack on her, so I have quit offering. She is 28 and stills lives with her mother, and lets her mother still run her life. It is like she is a perpetual teenager. I’m so sad for her, but I can’t help. She is an “adult”.
I, born in the mid 2000s, agree with this so much. Till today, I still would love to play childhood games with my friends, but I can't. I had to convince my parents that I could cross the road to go play basketball in the neighboring community, and they simply don't allow my sister to step outside into the neighborhood park. However, they still boast about how back in the day in India regardless of how hot it was they used to play from dawn to dusk (if I said the same thing, they'd go bonkers). My parents never put me in team sports as a kid since they were scared I'd get "allergies," and while I do want to learn to play baseball and football now, when the other teenagers are in varsity, how can I ever try? Funny enough, our adult (18+) league has far more beginner programs than the kids one and I look forward to joining one when I get older. Branching out into society, this has divided all the kids into two distinct groups - the video gamers and the athletes. The last time the video gamers ever stepped outside to play physically was probably in 5th grade, and they see absolutely no point in making friends beyond their Fortnite server. The thought of playing tag would be probably repulsive. On the other hand, the athlete kids never played for fun outside with neighbors; they were always in some youth association playing soccer, basketball, football, etc, and their time outside is dedicated to perfecting these sports and nothing else. This dynamic may be present in only my locality, but what's similar about them? There are no in-betweens (I'm one of the few exceptions) and they've never really had the conventional childhood of just hanging out as a group and playing. Again, it's totally driven by the distinct "my child could never get a scratch" or "are ya winnin, son" parents. In my neighborhood specifically, the kids take pride in playing video games for 10 hours straight and don't step outside at all. Whoever's fault it is, I wish it'd change.
I have noticed this too about sports. If you didn't learn to play when you were very young, by the time you get to age 10 or so there are no more beginner options. They expect you to already know how to play and play competitively. There are no 'just for fun' options. Occasionally you'll find them for adults but definitely nothing for teens.
I was born in 94, and it is crazy how different I am compared to my younger siblings. didn't have social media til I finally went to college in 2016. Grateful for that!
@@pabloescobarschanclas I think this video paints anti bullying education as harmful for child development when I think that’s a positive thing, kids need to face adversity but responsibility should still lie with people perpetrating bad actions
In my area, they don't even let HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS cross a single-lane street on their own. They shut down the entire road for about 20 minutes to let them cross. I'm not even that old (late 40's), and when I was a kid 6-year-olds walked home alone with zero help.
When I did an exchange semester in the US I noticed how immature 18 year old college students were compared to 18 year old Dutch students. Especially with drinking, going out and independency in general. 18/19 year old Americans were acting as 15/16 year old Dutch teens and I think it has to do with this.
This hits home. I loved to play outside and be rowdy as a child. My dad encouraged this while my mom was always apprehensive. As soon as my parents separated and my dad moved away, my mom became very very protective against me. She sheltered me and I lost the sense of play and personal capability around 10 years old. I’m 23 and it’s still gone. My mom inadvertently instilled within me a fear of failure as she would process all of my difficult emotions and hold my hand through literally everything. I never learned proper coping mechanisms and my mental health has always been volatile. Even though I’m 23 I do not feel like an adult because I’ve never had the chance to function outside of my mom’s grasp. And every opportunity that arises for me to do so scares me and I decline out of fear. I feel paralyzed as I have so many dreams for my life but don’t have the grit to walk towards them. If anyone else has been working through this and has any helpful advice for how to improve, I would be so grateful. I’m so tired of living like this.
The interesting thing about generations is that your parent’s generation ( it’s values, etc) is probably the biggest influence on your life. I’m an older millennial. My parents are younger baby boomers. There was a stark difference between me and peers my age (who’s parent were typically gen x) growing up. The difference is still present, and in most cases it has grown
Probably no one will read this- but I also think it’s important that we don’t mislabel this issue as “they didn’t go through enough hardship, so are struggling.” That’s the same thing the younger generation says about older generations (ironically) and it’s an easy way to undermine the struggles of another person, making it difficult to heal from. Not being able to experience regular life milestones IS distressing. That is hard. Severe isolation is hard. Coming across violent videos and extreme porn at a young age is hard. Global pandemics, rising political tension and financial crises are hard. And the goal is that each generation get better, right? I doubt the boomer generation knows what it’s like to live through world war 2, but that doesn’t mean the Cold War wasn’t scary. It’s also important to note that not all young people showing signs of codependency can be characterized as “over sheltered.” Often times, people who doubt their place in the world were not protected from harm, that could be the reason they’re hiding. Someone who was severely hurt multiple times and unable to reach out will also avoid interaction and self isolate. It’s actually worth noting that victims of bullying do worse in the future and have more issues socializing than those who weren’t bullied, so I doubt less exposure to bullying is the core issue here. Plus, if you were raised on the internet- it’s actually a particularly hostile place, where you will grow up seeing many extreme opinions and intense hatred very easily. We’re living in a new era of digital cults. And I’m not sure I buy the premise that young people bullied less. At least outside of the US, peer treatment was still pretty harsh. It’s also worth noting that a lot of young people struggle the most with perfectionism and a sense that they don’t belong- these are probably two of the most detrimental things to the human psyche. And too much time online can lead to an over emphasize on the mind and thoughts and not enough emphasis on action. That’s healed- not through pushing someone to experience more harsh things- but by simply taking the phone away, and creating less depending on the phone in school or work places. If someone has been mistreated (or isolated with only one parent) a lot we have no idea what’s happened to them behind closed doors or why they might be struggling. Assuming they were coddled or “didn’t go through enough struggle” can actually further deliver the message that they have no one to reach out to, no viable option towards healing, and no place in the world, furthering their isolation.
Do you think American kids are being raised to be too fragile?
Definitely.
As the saying goes, "Hard times create strong people. Strong people create good times. Good times create weak people. And, weak people create hard times."
Too little too late. The fools have the power.
Yes!
No, I think they're being raised to be too offensive. Calling someone fragile is just a way to excuse your own despicable behavior.
@CWS and TKP 66-02 You have a warped view of history, my friend.
Therapist here with a particular niche for working with adolescents and emerging adults (also trained in CBT); Haidt is spot on, a lot of my clients have difficulty navigating conflict, very little coping skills for life's challenges, and do not socialize enough (zero spontaneity with it comes to hanging out with each other; parents have scheduled their childhoods to the max) and struggle with overall independence. The positive however, is that Gen Z is smart, introspective (maybe to a fault), they are open to working on their shortcomings and have a grasp on mental health unlike previous generations.
How do you mean they can become introspective to a fault? When does it become a negative thing
@@matthewvarriale8246 overthinking oneself to death, figuratively speaking. Mental health content is huge in my generation because people are trying to fix themselves up. But you can reach a point in self improvement when it becomes toxic. Like Haidt's mention of triggers. Only so much you can do by yourself. CBT, exposure, group therapy. You can't do that on your own, but people still try to anyways
We saw all of this coming, with the way kids were predominantly being parented in the 90s and early 2000s.
@@hervymarquezgarcia1079 Spot on! I would also add that too much introspection can lead to a false sense of certainty. One might feel a certain way, but one's emotions does not necessarily dictate whether X situation or interaction is a real issue. There is so much nuance/gray in the world, that too much introspection can lead us to cognitive distorted thinking, as Haidt notes in his talk (eg black and white thinking, mindreading, ect ect.).
@@matthewvarriale8246 life is a balance of thought and action, with one informing the other. Think too much and you won't act. Act too little and your thoughts float away, no longer informed by your actions.
I'm a post 2000's guy ( I guess you call us gen Z). At every turn, it has been quite irritating that my parents (who are quite attentive and take their parenting duties seriously) strongly discouraged risk taking and never took me seriously when I claimed I was capable or responsible enough to do certain things. The response was always, 'No you can't' rather than 'Prove that you can'. Enormously, I feel that even now as a college grad my parents basically have zero trust in my capabilities. You have no idea how difficult it is to do outgoing and controlled risk taking stuff when you've basically been smothered.
I'm 1996 guy and same.
Hopefully you’ll get a chance to do it differently with your kids someday. Ngl, it can be hard to swim against the parenting current and give your kids the independence they need. There can be a lot of judgement from hyperparents. But it is so worth it to watch them grow that way.
@@bennyflint It is easier to give kids independence when parents themselves are independent, or at least practice being independent if they weren't raised to be.
My parents are like this too then they turn around and criticize me and say how come you can't do anything right? Well you never let me try in the 1st place and if I do make mistakes when I try new things instead of encouraging me they complain that as a 20 year old I should know better. But how would I know better if I have never been allowed to try anything in the 1st place until now.
jesus, Im an 89 guy. that is wild my friend. life was a "free for all' growing up. well, I shouldn't put it exactly like that, but we were always taught to go out and figure it out! I don't know. Life is one big risk if you ask me.
something to consider as well is how many kids are raised in suburbia which doesn't allow anyone without a drivers license to go to any places to hang out, other than neighbor's house. The way we design our communities simply isn't setup for kids to explore and enjoy the area around them. We could work on that
What a great observation! As a geographer, this sort of thinking is my bread and butter so I love seeing other people coming to these conclusions too! :)
Ong bro when I moved from the SF Bay Area suburbs to New York as a teenager my life immediately improved because I could just take the subway everywhere 🤩
uh....OR you could look at it like GO GET A DRIVER'S LICENSE dude! Boredom is a motivator not a verdict. Take the bus downtown, go get lost, go have an adventure. Go get a bicycle sheesh. You could seriously cover many miles in a bike. You could travel ten miles in a half hour. Go join the military or something to get out of your hometown. Also even suburbs have parks, rec centers, there's organized intramural sports thru your school, boyscouts, high school marching band, also WALKING isn't the worst thing in the world. I grew up in suburban metro denver in the 90s and had to walk two miles to the nearest record store there's more to life than video games at your friends' house. Your life will be what you make it.
That kind of urbanization is to blame almost for everything, most problems of the modern era are because that reason.
blaming the burbs is lame af.
my friends and I were totally free range in our subdivision. parents let us outside all day, ride bikes around, jump from back yard to backyard, water gun fights, hanging out at the pool.
plenty of stuff to push boundaries on, get to egg houses on Halloween, make bombs on 4th of July, little fights here and there, PLENTY of things we shouldn't have done.
anywhere you live can be a boring place, if you don't know how to have fun.
I was born in 06, and this description epitomizes my year. I wasn't necessarily coddled as a child, but my parents always arranged "play dates" with friends for me when I was younger. Nowadays, most of my social interaction is online, even if it is with friends from my hometown. A huge thing in our household is to plan, work tirelessly, and get good grades. I was raised to analyze every situation and think objectively. Consequently, most of my social interactions feel forced and awkward. I'm more stoic than my generation's stereotype, but it yields the same results: I'm neurotic and antisocial.
I feel trapped in my society without the adequate tools to advance myself. While I'm not someone to blatantly lash out against anything that hurts me, I don't have the emotional maturity to handle my stressors. It's like my emotions are a half-deflated balloon, and I'm trying desperately to pinch the hole shut with my fingers, but I can't keep the air from escaping. What escapes is anger and frustration at my life. I'm left slowly being sapped of all emotion as the balloon eventually fully deflates. My school or my parents don’t help me. They've replaced any intrinsic motivation with extrinsic rewards for completing tasks. Write a paper and receive an A. You're interested in x, y, and z? Search for colleges to get into that have that. I'm left with too taxing of a workload to meet my parent's expectations, and I'm passionate about none of it. If I drop the workload, nothing else interests me anymore; there is no happy place to relax.
This is why I turned to social media. It preoccupies my time by mindlessly scrolling through seconds of people's carefully manufactured online lives. I can laugh at jokes without thinking about anything. It is my mindless escape. I know it’s not beneficial for me, and I need to find meaningful connections in the world, but it’s easier to do nothing than force yourself to get up in the mornings.
Sorry this isn’t about Gen Z psychology, but I couldn’t stop once I started writing. I think our generation magnifies depression because there is less support from other people. We aren’t practiced at helping each other, and older generations don’t understand our emptiness. I hope people feel the same.
I can relate to what you're experiencing right now. Coming from a strict Asian family, my childhood was entirely dedicated to getting good grades and behaving like a good kid, so I ended up being, like you said, neurotic and social phobic. I'm a working adult now and looking back, I really hope I was more playful and free-spirited back then. My social anxiety has impacted my communication skill and ability to cope with changes, both are much more important than grades when one enters society. (That said, good grades did give me more choices when it comes to uni and job) As far as emotions are concerned, the best medicine is meditation. It really helped me every time I feel like I would break. We are so excitable since we are surrounded by 'triggers' nowadays- either too ecstatic or down, but never at peace. Learn to watch your feelings and create a distance between 'you' and them will help to provide mental clarity and balance. All the best to you!
I was born in 2001 and resonate with everything you just said. Entering adulthood, now 21 years old, I feel like I am mourning the childhood I wish I had had. I find myself wishing constantly that the iPhone had been invented in 2017 (or, hell, even 2027) instead of 2007. Having my own phone by 13 was detrimental. And I don't blame my parents, as nobody knew the effect it would have before it happened, but I am nonetheless mournful over not getting the freedom that my millenial cousins did. I am now hopelessly addicted to my phone, and while I am aware of it, and hate it, it feels impossible to break it. I'm about to graduate college and become a teacher, and am currently in my last few weeks of student teaching, and it breaks my heart knowing the kids I am teaching didn't even get the 10-12 years of mostly technology-free childhood I did... they got none. What our parents regretfully didn't realize is that unrestricted (or even restricted) access to the internet at a young age was, in the long run, far worse for our development than unrestricted access to the physical world around us.
you should b a writer !! and don’t feel alone i’m an old gen z (25) and still feel this way !
I was born in 2003 and I feel like you and I are one person, everything you said hits home, what really frustrates me right now is how I can't break out of the cycle of feeling helpless, useless and delving into escapism, I know I will grow older and be better but currently it seems like everyone around me is content to look down on me and sigh, so it's discouraging in some ways
@@sofasangriamusic3337 - thank you for sharing this. I am a Pre-K teacher and I know my 3-5 year olds are using their parents' phones a lot. ( mostly videos at this point) Most of the parents are in their 20's - early 30's and do not realize the monster they are creating by letting kids get addicted this early!!! Smart phones are such good babysitters for parents - that is the problem. And I am seeing 8-10 year olds getting smart phones now. I wish parents could see the damage this is doing.
I’m Gen Z. Being born in 2004, I was practically born with a technological device in hand. I was never allowed to go outside because my parents were fearful of me being abducted. They were even afraid that I would fall and scrape my knee. I never learned how to ride a bike because of this. Even sports cause fear and anxiety within me because I was taught to avoid them.
Instead of being outside and socializing, I spent my days online. From ages 5 to the present, most of my best memories consist of what happened online. To say that out loud is extremely depressing, but it’s my reality. I grew up playing Wii Sports with my cousins, Minecraft and Roblox with other kids online. I socialized with peers-not through physical means-but digitally through social media. My parents didn’t have much knowledge on how to use technology so I basically had unlimited access to the internet. They were immigrants as well, so they didn’t necessarily understand American culture, which caused further apprehension about allowing me to be outside. I remember always feeling hurt when I couldn’t attend a friend’s birthday party, or not being able to attend an after school program. For them, it was better seeing me on a screen than having to worry about me being kidnapped/physically hurt. You can probably imagine that I was exposed to a lot of information that I shouldn’t have seen as a young child, but thankfully nothing bad has happened.
I will say that having spent the majority of my time online and not learning how to interact properly in the real world has really affected me negatively. I have social anxiety, and my view on the world (as mentioned in this video) is indeed extremely negative. I often speak to my parents about how I don’t want children, or how I feel like I cannot trust our own government. I worry about our climate, and worry excessively about our future in general. I have trust issues with people. It takes a lot for me to genuinely open up. They laugh at me, wondering, “Why are so many Gen Z kids like that?” They don’t mean that positively. I doubt my own decisions and have extremely low self-esteem. I don’t feel like I can confidently and comfortably navigate through the world on my own. Even though I’m freshly 18, I mentally feel 12 at times. I try to force myself to seek out uncomfortable situations because that’s how I believe growth occurs, but sometimes it’s just not enough. I do have my own drivers license, and I am currently a full-time student and I have a full-time job. I’m actively reading, and I try to develop my hobbies. Still, I feel lacking in every aspect.
I feel as if I can’t think critically, and I’m losing all my creativity. I used to have a vivid imagination, but I notice it is on a steady decline the more I age. I believe I’m not easily swayed by marketing strategies, but I do believe it is harder for me to create my own opinion on something. I find myself often being in the middle, rather than being on extreme ends of beliefs (unless they are blatantly wrong and go against my morals and values). I’m more so worried about my creativity. I don’t know how to get it back.
Despite all the downsides that come to growing up in this type of culture, I believe I have learned a lot and seen different ways of living. I was introduced to the self-improvement culture, and learned a lot about stoicism. I view financial freedom content, and I am extremely self-aware when it comes to the psychology of people and the emotions of people. I feel as if I wouldn’t have learned all that I have if I wasn’t on the internet. I try to limit the time I spend on the internet even without my parents having to say anything.
Sorry, I don’t even know where I’m going with all of this. I guess all I really want is to be a good person who can feel comfortable in the world and in my own skin. I don’t know why it feels impossible to reach.
Such self-awearing. Good for you.
Even those of us who grew up playing outside and doing stupid things with friends can feel clueless in this device fueled world. I think COVID + technology really had a negative impact on general social behavior, since there is such a low need for people to interact now. Thanks for sharing your experience, very interesting and well written. I do feel for your generation for many reasons but it’s nice to hear that your heart is in the right place despite it all. Remember, half of being capable is simply showing up with the will to try, and that is the most important part. The second most important is showing up again after you fail the first time.
I hope I don’t sound condescending, but I just want to say that you can improve your life for the better if you keep pushing forward. Anxiety is often rooted in the fear of failure or rejection, but failure is a necessary part of learning. Rejection is hard, but it also offers clues that can help us modulate our social behaviors.
The crazy thing is that it is not even very likely for a child to be abducted.
I grew up in the 80s riding my bike all over town and playing in the woods by myself and with other kids. Yet, at 18 I felt socially awkward too. Don’t lose heart. The human brain is amazingly adaptive! Blessings to you. I will pray for you ❤
As a young adult who is now a teacher, this is 100% true. Kids NEED PLAY. It promotes interaction, problem solving and creative thinking.
Well, no. It lets kids simply live. That's the difference between the 1980s and hypervigilant parenting.
@@oasean Yea exactly. When they can just live their lives, problem and conflict arise naturally and so they have to sort it out and problem solve.
That’s all they do is play.
Ban cars. You want kids to play outside more. Get rid of the thing that keeps killing them.
Too bad there are countless adults that readily would sign on to that sentiment and yet still reflexively disparage a life of physical labor as being beneath their aspirations for their child.
America is full of Tiger parents that tell themselves that they're doing right by their child to sign them up for AYSO, but would never in a million years rebuild an old junker car with them, teach them to fish, rebuild a rotting fence, or even teach them how to tie a proper bowline knot.
It's fine for some psychologist like Prof. Haidt to lament this state of affairs, but the reality is that he and his cohort are doing NOTHING in real terms to create a more holistic child, either.
Let's face it - becomimg a carpenter, or a mechanic,
or a metal worker etc. is Plan B for the children of men like Prof. Haidt - and they likely aren't even taught to regard the life of the average tradesman - or utilitarianism in general - as an admirable pursuit.
And yet - here he is decrying the hopelessly insular generation that people of his class have relentlessly molded for 30 years.
Wow!! As a parent I can tell you, this is spot on. Stop sheltering kids so much from reality and let them grow a thick skin and problem solving capabilities.
Just don't be disappointed in them when they start trying to solve problems we see as simple realities, and building empathy instead of just absorbing abuse. A thick skin is good in itself, but its greater purpose is to allow us to be forthright and act with integrity.
You made a city covered in cars, that keep kids trapped.
Ban cars
It's not really about growing a thick skin, but knowing how to diffuse negative energy in a healthy way. 'You need to develop thick skin' is a very GenX, dissociative, armor developing coping mechanism, which is bad, because you then shield potential connections too. Getting kids to really understand, for example, 'Your perception of me is a reflection of you, and my response to you is an awareness of me', is imo, critical to keeping kids open to connecting with each other, as well as processing negative emotions.
@@patrickb4750 VERY good observations. Perhaps not penetrating well into the self-help community however. Not on track with busy parents/bosses/etc. who want quick answers more than effective ones.
I am almost 50 years old, with a 5 and 8 year old. They are being raised like I was raised, being outside, independent, hard working, without 24/7 monitoring. Kids do not grow into adults if you baby them all the time. We have millennials and Zoomers that are a prime example of what happens when kids are not raised right. They do not grow up! We now have two entire generation, on that is into their young 40s, and most of them never became adults, as they are kids in adult bodies. It’s quite sad.
Cities need to become walkable again so kids can hangout without having to go to a mall. Sometimes it’s not that kids doesn’t want to go out and play with peers, it’s just that they have no place to go to.
I agree with this. Many neighborhoods where we live don’t even have sidewalks.
Mall? That’s the 80s to early 00s. Malls are dying. Malls were the last type of place where kids could actually meet up. Now you’re not even allowed to hang around as a teen without an adult (according to the signs in my local mall). Resurrecting the mall would be a sign of progress at this point!
@@Window4503their comment says “WITHOUT having to go to malls”, which yeah, I misread it the first time around too.
kids can and should be encouraged to work in spaces that they have, in the 70s and 80s suburban kids hung out in their rooms listening to music and talking. through this they were able to create their own worlds separate from their parents. walkability would be nice, but creativity within the space you have is even better.
Definitely. My friends and I (born in late 90s) would hang out in undeveloped woods outside our neighborhood... until that area got developed in high school and we had nowhere else to go, because we were too young or didn't have cars, there were no sidewalks in our city so we would have to run across a 50mph highway right outside the neighborhood, and our shitty parents all decided this was fine because it meant that they could put in less effort and live somewhere really cheap that strode a terrible line where there was nothing to do, and nothing around us but asphalt.
I once heard of an experiment where trees were grown completely inside once sprouted, protected from the elements. As the trees grew, they had no strength and, eventually, would simply fall over under their own weight. They found that those exposed to the wind as they grew did not fall over and had the strength to support themselves and even weather storms.
The same wind that sometimes blows over full grown trees was necessary (in smaller doses) for the trees to stand in the first place. Our children are the same: they need protection from the full force of life, but if they do not experience it at all, they will always rely on an external support.
Reminds me of the Nassim Taleb quote from his book Antifragility: “Be the fire and wish for the wind.”
Makes sense to me. When growing plants indoors, many people put an oscillating fan to blow on them because the moving air strengthens their stems
Nature is simple and alike in its effects. We are plants one day, lobsters the next, wolves the day after. */S*
Cute analogy. But kids don't need protection, they're bouncy. They need guidance.
@@RatPfink66 (don’t know why this mashup tickled me so much, but I did an extremely hearty lol)
As someone who's a part of this generation, this is exactly how I and a lot of us feel. Even now, most adults in my life treat me like a child, making sure I'm safe, keeping me away from danger. Instead of teaching me how to fend for myself. Now getting out on my own almost feels impossible.
Give it a try! Make mistakes! Celebrate them. Learn. Try again!
Are you in charge of your own life or are you not?
@@GGoAwayy why woud someone be who's been helicoptered their whole life ? You will always be a duckling, waiting for mommy duck to show you were to go
What do you mean getting out on your own almost feels impossible? I’m trying to understand your generation. I’m 32 and getting out of your own is the easiest it’s ever been. Smart phones essentially hold your hand in being able to get information on anything you need and a safety blanket for traveling out in the world.
Oh the irony -- complaining that adults helicopter over you, but blaming primarily blaming them for not helicoptering on the subject of "fending for yourself".
3:18 “We should not be teaching our kids to see the world as being full of triggers, we should teach them to live in a world that’s physically quite safe but full of offensive statement and ideas” So well put wow.
i would say...a world that's full of _people_ who will _try_ to trigger you...sometimes just for lulz...sometimes because they have a bug up their ass...or sometimes because they're looking to sell you a line of bullshit.
you can generally blow such people off. _but not always._ once in a great while, people will try to trigger us to impart _needful information,_ for our good or others'. it's just some people's style to be confrontational, and at times, it must be taken seriously. so remember to _think_ before you blow anybody off.
I hope that's the nature of the "offensive statements" Haidt is thinking of, and that he isn't just dismissively counseling younger folk to go cluelessly into hostile climates and take it _all_ seriously until they somehow magically learn not to. The pain itself is not the point here. It's a signal. (Of what? Let's debate that, Jonathan.)
maybe as a crypto-conservative, Haidt is ok with creating a percentage of burnouts or psychic wrecks as the price of rebuilding a strong society. but i expect better of a psychologist. even a social psychologist.
9/11, which he mentioned in this video, was not safe. Neither was the deployment to Iraq. Neither was the virus. It has never been safe. You can always die or be hurt and while you can not live in fear, vigilance is not a bad thing. Paranoia is a bad thing. Trauma is a bad thing. It's okay to have both but it is not ok to leave them unrecognized as unhelpful traits.
that would mean getting rid of epilepsy warnings and other necessary "triggers"
World is not a safe place. You have to have a sense of self-preservation, know that walking in front of fast moving cars, busses, trucks, and trains will KILL you, and most people that are bigger and stronger have a good chance of damaging you. You can get hurt playing sports, playground equipment can break, and kids will throw playground balls at your face just for fun.
@Ricx 58 I think he meant misplaced paranoia. Fight or flight is essential when confronted with actual consequences but the overuse of it is an issue which can develop into an anxiety disorder and limit you in life because of it. This is where things like PTSD also become a think because people react post traumatically to thing that has stopped occurring or is no longer a threat. If it was still a threat, the paranoia would be well owed.
I grew up basically unsupervised because my parents were always working out watching television. Now in my late 30s it's hard to imagine depending on anyone for anything and I've never had a long term romantic relationship. So I think there's a balance to be had between guidance/support from emotionally intelligent adults and opportunities for measured risk taking / independence.
There definitely is a balance. Parents should be there for guidance, not governance but they need to be there. Interractions should focus on enlightening and reinforcing positive traits not preventing every risk or opportunity for failure. I think my parents did as good a job is reasoonably possible in the 80s. They taught me to accept failure and learn from it, to be resilient and tolerant and to question everything. But they also let me learn about many things through my own mistakes.
Not everything that you do or feel now is related to how things were in your childhood. The romantic relationship stuff may not be related.
Balance is correct, but good luck teaching anyone to not go to any extreme about anything.
I'm 33 and just now on my first true love long term relationship. Married and just had 1 little girl. Hang in there, I was raised exactly the same and am fiercely independent, you'll find them.
And now with my daughter I think back to my parents just letting me do pretty much whatever I want with absolutely zero supervision is outright scary, I can think back to many times I could have died as a kid.
I was born in 2000 and was raised in the way he describes, and when I got out on my own at 18 I had absolutely no idea what I was doing and I was terrified (not to mention a bad roommate). Luckily I hooked up with a good group of friends, we all give each other advice and laugh at our mistakes, we've been through some crazy times together.
I am glad to hear it. Good friends makes for a good life. Cherish them :D
That just sounds like growing up normally
Gen Z is 1997-2012. Whatever this guy in the video is saying still holds true tho
No 18 year old from any generation knows what he/she is doing. 😊
I can guarantee it made you far more confident in yourself beacuse you got out on your own
I am one of these people. I never tried being independent during my formative years so now I'm stuck as an adult trying to learn how to be independent and take care of myself. It's a difficult path but I hope to prevail and teach a new generation how to be strong.
Better late than never...good luck, I'm sure you'll figure it out!
I’m 31, still trying to get my shit together as well.
This place needs millions like you. Unfortunately , the woke brigade is larger. I feel sorry for people like you who will have to live your life controlled by the troglodytes.
ever have the urge to help anyone from your own generation? or at their age do they need to learn what it's like to have nowhere to turn?
It seems like we keep seeing a false binary about this question. As if our choices are either “let ‘em run wild” Vs. “shield them from any difficulty.” There’s a third option. You can experience difficulties *with* your child and teach them how to process suffering. How to acknowledge it, how to share it with other people who care about you, how to find a silver lining. And I think that does involve a degree of protecting them, because you need to make sure they’re not taking on more than they’re ready for. You got to walk before you can run.
How dare you submit a grey area answer in a world that deeply craves binary solutions.
There is no such thing as risk management, and responsible growth. Only total rolling the dice anarchic freedom, or being forced to living a box!
The people in this comments section that stand by anarchic freedom for sure did not self select their presence here by winning the dice role and not having their children be abducted or whatever! Those forced to live in a box did not potentially self select themselves into this comment section by paying for their own survival in an otherwise untenable environment with their anxiety and isolation that allowed them to survive. There are no self fulfilling prophecies or survivorship bias here!
Whole bunch of grass is always greener self validation happening around these parts, served hot with survivorship bias. None of those non-survivors here to muck up the "totally thumbs up works every time from my own experiance" plane design conversation.
Way to be the standout.
That's what the CBT is for!
Exactly this. Both have detrimental effects, and I think some look at the “grow tough skin” as a means to shut off your feelings or process what happened- which is another case for a lot kids ON TOP of being sheltered.
When you have sheltered kids who aren’t allowed to express how they feel, that calls for a recipe for disaster.
Sometimes taking on more than you can handle is the way to learn to handle more than you thought you could. If all your risks are calculated and minimized, are they really risks?
No, get out if the way. Parents are scared because they have less children. The very few we have we feel they need to succeed. The problem is if you stay in the way, they have no room to grow. Its not a false binary to point out that parents are overly protective. Guided problem solving should be during the industrious part if childhood, 6 to 10. If by 12 you haven’t done it, get out of the way.
This is so on point! I even noticed this as a kid moving from Colombia to the U.S. I got here at at the age of 11 and found it hard to connect with other kids here. They seemed much more childish and immature than the kids back in Colombia and I've always felt like relationships felt more superficial.
as someone w a simliar situation, nigeria to canada at 12, i relate so much with the maturity thing, i was so convinced for years that people here were just dumber 💀
Someone once told me that north americans live in a bubble. Also if you havent already i humbly advice you check out Gabriel Iglesias & his comedic atory of when he was in india.
P.s. even though its off topic, im pretty sure walt disney had a hand in regressing the kids in this country.
It's true. Young people in America have horrible social skills from being so sheltered
Meanwhile in colombia: shooting homeless childs with assault rifles.
I too came to the US somewhat later, around age 19, but I've lived in rural, suburban, and urban places at several points in my life. I would say suburban and rural kids do need to be a bit more coddled because stepping outside the house to go anywhere at all means to be killed by a driver, whereas urban areas generally don't have the instant death associated with roaming outside and accidently stepping in front of a car.
I started ridding the bus at 10 years old by myself, arroud 2003. Obviously my mom gave me instructions and warned me of what could happen. This made me very independent and gave me confidence.
It is quite common here in Switzerland to let kids go on their own to school, explore their city, and you can see the difference with neighbour countries like France: kids are definitely tougher and better prepared for adult life.
@@scivolanto yes! I was raised in Mexico and you see kids everywere on the neighborhoods. We all go either walking or on on public transport to school no matter the age.
@@jessicalizarraga9160 Even after the cartel took over the country? From what I hear, they don’t treat children very well.
Good for your mom!
So a generation shaped by their parents anxiety and fear is plagued by anxiety and fear?
I am technically one of the last years of gen Y but I can agree, this seems like a pretty accurate representation of what is happening right now and the experiences I am familiar with. It would be refreshing to step away from it or fix it.
I think a lot of Gen Z's resentment comes from being chastised for these negative personality traits despite the fact that they inherently had to be learned from older generations. There's almost a refusal on older generations' part to accept responsibility in giving us these negative traits, but also perpetuating inequalities that enflame them.
@@Charles-472 There absolutely is a responsibility held by older generations.
One thing I would like to point out is when has the younger generation ever NOT been chastised? I remember all the crap the Y generation got. I am sure the X's and Boomers were told the same thing. I don't think those predictions amount to much long term. It's practically a right if passage...
I mean a lot of parents and my parents didn't teach anything else 😂
@@oldgreen100 As a millennial, I agree that every older generation has had this habit of telling the younger generation that they are 'spoilt' when they themselves bear the entire responsibility of raising them.
That said, I'm afraid one of the concerns with Gen Z is warranted. There is a never before seen air of pessimism regarding human beings in general, and glorification of everything else on earth. The vulnerability of their mental health, already shaped heavily by social media and lack of human connect, is exploited by a lot of doomsayers into convincing them that people are the number one enemy on earth. I believe this is the first time in history that a generation is convinced on the undesirability of procreation. I think this is also part of the reason why several developed nations will be looking at catastrophic levels of population decline in the days to come - Japan a case in point. The ideologies that funneled sentiment into making a generation think that human kind itself is the problem (rather than the ones who should be benefiting from solutions to the real problems) would probably be studied in history books in the future.
Who sold their parents that anxiety and fear? The government and the media. Note the word "sold"....so yes, profits were involved.
As a child I was outside with my friends ALL the time. Literally told don't come home till the street lights come on. Wouldn't change a thing about that part of my childhood!!
Amen to that!
I was a fatherless latch key kid, and had a great time doing whatever I wanted to do. The problem today is overprotective mothers and fathers.
I was born in 2001 and raised in the hood. My mom would work late hours as a single mom so I was out in the streets as a kid. I'm so thankful for this because once I made it out and manage to get to college. Holy shit the amount of kids my age who were so immature mentally and emotionally. Close to no wisdom. Little things send them off the rails. Depression was runny ramped. So many labels yet they hate labels. They can't live in the moment. I saw this more in kids that came from a good home too where both parents are home.
"so many labels, yet they hate labels" - ivan OMG, should be a T-Shirt, buddy.
I began parenting in early 2000s in a safe, nice California neighborhood. I was constantly guilted by the schools helicopter moms who subtly and overtly were shocked at how I had my kids walk 1 mile to school without me, and how I had them packing their own healthy lunches by 2nd grade (with supervision). They loved the independence, however found it difficult to relate to fellow students over the years because they were much more mature. Also I was shocked at how near impossible it was to get kids to do sleepovers unless the parents had been able to meet and “interview” the family for safety. Kids would give up trying
So frustrating. When my son was in 4th grade, he had a friend over to hang out. I got a call from a very irate mom because I had the audacity to let them walk to the local corner store, less than a mile away, mind you. This store was at the corner entering our neighborhood so the boys were never on a main road. They also took a 2 way radio that they kept calling me on (they thought it would be funny to tell me they were really going other places, like Alaska etc...). The mom finally calmed down and I suggested she let the leash out a little bit more.
And I'm sure your kids will be far better adjusted than the others. Hell, you were probably a happier parent than the others as well.
Ah I really do not agree with helicopter parenting, or any of that stuff. Kids definitely have no freedom today. But the only thing I really have to play devils advocate over is sleepovers. Not banning them outright or turning them into the Spanish Inquisition… but I’ve just heard from a lot of people who experienced sxual abuse, that it seems sadly common it occurred at a sleepover at a friend’s house. I’m stilll not anti-sleepover, And I’m not sure what a good solution is to the problem. But there’s definitely a big safety gap in the sleepover reality, sadly. Maybe the solution is having blunt, no-holds-barred conversations with your kids about what’s okay and what’s not, and to trust their gut and if something feels wrong, don’t feel bad about calling home and getting out. Just a thought, take care ✌️
Good job !.
It sounds like the parts they were angry at you for was rolling the dice, not a lack of agency. Probably justifiably, because you seem to think the two are the same.
its one thing to take on risk and manage it. Its another thing to be put in a situation you cannot possibly deal with if it goes wrong, by the people who are supposed to be watching for that exact scenario. Youve essentially stated you trust all strangers and youve gotten lucky. Others not trusting strangers is not the same thing as restricting their childs agency.
This is very accurate! I realize older generations tend to criticize younger generations. But I consider myself a pretty fair person. As a millennial, I do feel Gen z has gotten the short end of the stick in many regards, far worse than we did. But I also think they have unique sensibilities and ideas. I’ve also seen many are willing to work and do work very hard. I have my frustrations with them, but overall, I am not critical of them. I want this younger generation to do well.
Well, the previous generations are demanding they do more than their share of adapting and accepting. And most of us ARE critical. They've worn out their welcome before they've hardly in the door.
We must see them as a vague, but real, threat. And there's NO conversation about that. We'd have to ask too many questions Americans know not to ask.
short end of the stick how?
@@javiervega1065 because they were raised completely immersed in technology, more so than we were. I still remember what life was like before cell phones and the internet. These kids don’t know how that life used to be. Many of them do not know how to behave in social situations because of it. Also, kids like my niece, for example, who were born after 2001, their parents never let them play outside. 9/11 changed our country. I don’t care what people say. After that exact event, I noticed kids in my neighborhood stopped playing outside and doing things like trick or treating. I felt like I had entered the Matrix. But I distinctly remember the anthrax scares of that year. Scared parents did not let their kids trick or treat that year, and every year after that. That was in my neighborhood. Those were the things that brought me joy as a kid, and gen z seems to have missed out on those joys.
@@ntmn8444 you do know that in the workplace there benefiting from nepotism and earning substantially more regardless of how socially awkward they are
@@javiervega1065 not in my experience. Also, money isn’t everything. These kids are also incredibly depressed and lonely. They have no purpose to their lives. Making more money means nothing if you don’t have purpose. Many of them do lack purpose. I actually feel sorry for them.
One thing not mentioned with kids born after 1995 is weekly shootings at schools. Something that my generation (kids in school during the 1970s) never heard of, like never. Now, it happens every week somewhere. This must add to the psychological unease that seems to be on rise with this generation.
I was born in mid 90s and my parents were so protective. I was the one that wanted to go out side and play with other kids but my family held me back, wanted me to play inside. Now from an outgoing one I became awkward and can't communicate well to other people. To anyone that's going to have children, please let them go out and communicate with other kids, don't overprotect them, let them fall, get hurt (in an exceptable manner). You wil only harm your children later on.
Because they have fragile parents, I would say. I speak as a teacher with many friends who are teachers and for the past several years, parents have been unable to handle reality as regards their children. Instead of teaching their kids how to handle differing opinions at school, groups of shrieking parents bully librarians and school boards into suppressing opinions they don't like. Instead of telling their kid that a C doesn't meet their expectations and to work harder and play on screens less, they storm into the classroom after school and try to strong-arm the teacher into changing the grade or offering extra work.
No one calls reactionary parents "fragile." Are you sure that's their motivation?
@@RatPfink66 i think fragile is fair, here. The parents can't tolerate the perceived insult of their kid getting a C, or the loss of control associated with their kid reading Anne Frank. Rather than tolerate their discomfort and adapt to reality, these parents act out and wreak havok.
There's obviously more to it. But reactionary behavior is usually predicated on the idea "you aren't safe anymore."
@@wolfumz I quite agree. There's also loads of projection, which reactionism _always_ encourages. The parents don't want to feel fragile so they displace it onto kids - mostly other people's kids.
@@RatPfink66 I have no idea what you're saying, dude.
@@wolfumz let me trim it back some
I taught in a community college from 1993-2018 and I saw exactly what is being described here… kids becoming more fearful, more anxiety ridden, less able to do their own problem solving and function independently. I reached a similar conclusion, that we have overprotected our children and virtually incapacitated them. Children need to practice their independence. That is how they develop confidence and problem solving skills.
Ban cars. They take a way a kids freedom to do anything.
"Kids don't go outside and play" you wine, but that is because they are killed by cars.
I returned to school to get a STEM degree in my mid 30s. I've been pretty impressed with the youngsters at the community college. At the university, I see a little more about what this video is talking about, the students seem a little less resilient on average, but it's not by a huge margin.
When I enrolled I was expecting fragile, anxious young adults, that's not what I see. They're pretty normal. In some ways, they possess traits I admire, and I didn't have at 18.
The big thing I've seen is as that, after COVID-19, students have a lot of excuses for why their work is late, and constantly ask for extensions. I think that's a habit they need to work on.
Maybe I'm only seeing this because I'm just looking at STEM students. Maybe they are not representative of the population.
@@wolfumz Yes, those aren't the majority. You're dealing with probably the best of their generation if they're going for a STEM field. It's a smaller fraction of the population.
@@wolfumz you do know not everyone is externally anxious some are good with not showing their anxiety
@@chaserseven2886 I used to work as a counselor at a drug program, I'm familiar that people show anxiety in a wide variety of ways, many of which are not outwardly obvious.
IMO there's a important difference between feeling anxious, and what Jonathan Haidt is talking about. It's one thing to have anxiety. It's another thing for it to be impairing your daily functioning and interfering with your life. If kids are answering surveys and responding to psych researchers saying their more anxious on a scale of 1-5 than past students, that's one thing. It's a totally different issue to say, as Haidt does, that their anxiety is so bad that they can't handle it.
Haidt is saying students can't handle it, and they try to handle it by exerting control and enmeshing with authority. I think it's totally disconnected from reality, at least for the vast majority of students, who do not attend tiny private liberal arts school.
All the stuff about how kids overly whine or demand safe spaces or whatever, I just never saw any of that. I didn't see a trend where students en masse melted down unwarranted or they couldn't deal with negative feedback or had to to appeal to authority to solve their problems.
Frankly, more stress and anxiety makes sense for this generation of students, just purely based on the costs of tuition, and the diminishing returns many degrees offer. Up until the late 90's, a common motivation to go to college was to study whatever you wanted, find your passion, and discover yourself. Those days are totally gone, lol. Young students today don't think anything like that. It seems quaint.
I’m a millennial born a decade before 1995, but my parents “took away” that ability for me to “practice independence” out in the actual world of people. I lived on a large farm that I spent most of my waking hours working with my parent on and me doing very difficult manual labor - which I’m grateful for - (just not grateful for how socially weird this all made me) and was not allowed to leave or have friends over or go meet with friends.
When I moved out at 18 and lived in a subdivision, I couldn’t believe how remarkable it was that you could know people down the street and ride your bike to go see them. I continued acting kind of childlike well into my late 20s. So yeah, I’m that girl who was in her 20s going to the park and wanting to swing on the swings and go down the slide over and over pretty much on the daily and constantly wanting to “go meet with friends“ in the neighborhood and ride bikes down the street. Because I never got to as a kid. 🤦🏼♀️
But hey, on the upside - I can run a swather, a bale wagon, baler, a backhoe, an excavator, and can throw 80-lb hay bales for 12 hours at a time with only a couple quick breaks for water. 😐 Just don’t have any people there, or I’ll be weird. 😂
That is so interesting. Thanks for sharing!
@@MomoSimone22 What a very kind response! Thank you, Simone!
Sounds awesome to me. Strong minded, hard working, yet young at heart with a fairly positive attitude. You keep doing you! :D
What generation are your parents? Are they in an extreme religion? (protestant xtian counts) Were you homeschooled as well?
Am I correct in thinking GenX produced two generations? If so that has to be a first in human reproduction and explains why our population numbers are growing so quickly. That growth is unsustainable.
@@brennyharms7497 That phrase, "You do You", what does that mean? Like Hitler did Hitler?
Strong-minded? She stated her social and mental development were retarded by her parental care. It would still be so today. Strong-bodied, yes indeed.
I was born in the mid-90s and I’ve definitely seen this with my childhood. When I was 8 or 9 I went out to play with a friend in the neighborhood and we pretty much went everywhere within a mile of home for like 5 hours. I had a ball. Well, when I got home I got a dressing down from my parents because they didn’t know EXACTLY where I was and I caused them to panic. This impacted me so much that I never went out and did free play again. From then on, I allowed my parents to helicopter parent me and I just retreated within myself and played on the computer all day. My parents were well meaning but by scorning their own parents’ parenting style they inadvertently made me and my siblings very fragile. Meanwhile, my husband, a foreigner who was allowed to engage in free play cannot understand why American young adults are so damned anxious and fragile. It’s absolutely foreign to him-and he grew up in a financially insecure home so his childhood wasn’t necessarily “easy” but he still came out well-adjusted.
Helicopter parenting is so incredibly toxic
@@CarShopping101preach it
My life was the opposite in the 1990s (early 90s). I felt free. 1990s for me was an amazing golden age. Parents let me go anywhere. Before nightfall. Blame your parents. They did you a huge dis-service. I'd even say that much control is abuse.
Here is a few more points to consider for the critical thinker; Now if we assume this protection theory is true, why do we still see similar results in countries where children do have more freedom? I am from Finland and here the kidnapping of children never really has been a big thing and therefore kids still today are quite free to go. Kids starting from age 7 already go to school mostly by themselves. Most of them are free to play outside and visit their friends. Of course there is always some parents that are very protective but I think they are not a majority. Still, I think some of the effects represented in the video are visible in here as well. Birth rate is going down very steeply, young people drink less alcohol, they use much more phones and social media. So to me it seems like the protection by parents alone cannot explain this. The common thing in both countries is massively increased usage of social media, phones and computers. These are of course only based on my personal experience that for sure does not draw very accurate picture about the reality. But, a good "test" for the theory would be to compare how well it stands the comparison between different countries!
Of course now I only compared the protection of parents. Sure there is greatly increased protection by the system even in my country, such as much stricter laws in alcohol and information campaigns about the dangers of alcohol. Same thing with traffic about accidents and pollution. Indeed from this point of view, there might have been much more protection in childhood of younger people.
It isn't just about parents, though. We have taken conflict resolution away from kids in America. The suicide rate among teens is growing at an alarming rate here.
I feel like I see a similar trend in Sweden. Though I'm not sure if we have a high rate of depression in our teens, but I do feel that when I talk to teens they can seem a little socially distant
@tsubasa504 Perhaps this is part of a cultural shift in western societies and we in America are farther along.
US cities are becoming increasingly car centric and as a result many children (including myself) are unable to be independent until they turn old enough to get a license. This burdens kids inside their homes and perpetuates fears of what would happen if they wandered streets alone. No wonder child obesity and social anxiety are at a high today.
I worked at a public university for 21 years, and agree with this video. However, I also have worked in addiction recovery, and heard way too many heartbreaking stories of girls who suffered sexual violence while being unsupervised outdoors and and the homes of friends. None of these crimes were never reported, but they do inform my sense of how safe my daughter is in the world. All the well-meaning messages to girls about how not to be victimized also instills a baseline level of anxiety.
This happens to men and boys almost to the same amount yet its almost a society taboo to talk about. I was groomed and raped by a pedophile when I was a kid and seeing people only talking about women and girls getting raped is sad to me. Whenever I talk to other men as well they always have similar stories of rape and sexual abuse.
@@timemaster31 I am very sorry that you experienced that. However, I don’t think the original creator is saying that men do not experience these things, but rather speaking from her own experience and because she has a daughter. I agree that men’s cases should be discussed just as much, but the creator is not trying to diminish the importance of all cases being discussed as a whole just because she mentioned girls specifically.
@@bbylilo I don't think the person u were replying to was saying that the op was diminishing importance of men's cases. It could be but u can't rlly know from what they said. They just brought up a point.
Often it is people closes to the child that are the perpetrators of sexual violence, not the stranger on the street.
@@karencampbell2410 yes the danger is inside more than outside
Spot on! Interestingly, my autistic daughter (who is now 20) has better problem solving skills than some of her peers. We "pushed" her out of her comfort zone in order to counteract her social difficulties and executive dysfunctioning (including problem solving). The book "The Loving Push" is a good read for ALL parent raising teens - not just neurodivergent/autistic kids. I CONSUMED this book and took it to hear. Profssionally, as a therapist (and now coach) I still use a lot of CBT with my clients. Great video - thanks!
Thanks for the book reference!
It's because she's autistic and you paid greater attention to her.if she was an ordinary well functioning girl she would be just like her peers
You probably have to driver her to place to give her that love push because you can't even walk around your own city without worrying about being hit by a car.
My parents tried this but were also very protective of me as a child and never taught me how to stand up for myself during conflicts. They taught me to just avoid the problem. The school I went to was terrible for independence and life skills. Interestingly enough, I started doing drag recently and I'm learning a lot about asking to join gigs, being okay with making mistakes, stepping out of my comfort zone, and standing up for myself. It's sad that I'm learning more life and social skills from drag queens than a school for autistic children.
I got goosebumps on my arms because every detail of the description of today's society and education, the impact of social media, and the tends of Gen Z is exactly the same here in South Korea. I can see that this is not just a Korean phenomenon at all. As a public school teacher, tackling low-spirited youngsters and, furthermore, their monstrous parents, I'm sensing the collapse of social cohesion and the loss of solidarity. If this wasn't a Korean thing, I really don't know where else to look for answers anymore.
Thank you for your knowledge. Can you tell us stories about the monstrous parents you have to deal with?
@@thisisntsergio1352 I appreciate your kind attention. I have so many things to say about Korean parents and their peculiar behaviours, but if I may bring up just one thing, it's how they casually threaten teachers' livelihoods simply because they feel unpleasant or annoyed by something. They reflexively call the homeroom teachers for the smallest issues related to their kids. I have noticed that today's young generation lacks resilience and struggles to cope with frustration. It's alright, though. I can help with these issues because that's what I'm supposed to do as a teacher. My job, however, has been transformed into smoothing those loud and violent minority complainers.
In reality, these aren't always driven by their children's actual emotions. I've heard them so many times like "My kid said it was okay, but 'I' cannot accept it. My husband also gets very mad." In Korea, teachers' daily teaching has become an easy target for lawsuits due to the Child Abuse Law, which was modified strictly in 2014, originally aim at preventing parental violence following a tragic incident resulting in a child's death.
Unfortunately, in recent years, some parents with ill intentions, their loyal attorneys, and some sus organisations for 'child rights' have wrongfully taken advantage of this law. Moreover, this law doesn't affect the legal consequences of false accusations and there is no time limitation for them up to 20 years. I met a teacher who was falsely accused by students 10 years ago, who've been adults now and harmonised their false statement. She doesn't have any concrete evidence to prove her innocence. What's surprising here is that Koreans are not usually litigious; there aren't as many lawsuits going on as in the US.
Every year, I witness more than one of my colleagues being forced to be stripped of their position because of the furious and fire of a single parent. In fact, the rate of not guilty verdicts from teachers' cases has exceeded 99%, and the remaining 1% falls into a grey area. You might be curious about what exactly aggravates these parents.
Just the day before last night, I received a call from a mother claiming that her daughter felt a classmate gave her an angry look. I asked her what she expected from me and suggested that the two children talk it out. However, this Mother of the Year strongly refused my suggestion, fearing her child might be traumatised by the confrontation. Upon separate investigations, I discovered that the incident had happened once back in May, and both girls had actually forgotten about it. The girl who was supposed to be frightened said, "I dunno what my mama worries about; we just chatted my days last night."
And then, I had to amuse her highness (pleading her not to report me for child abuse in my heart) during a lengthy phone call and produce a two-page official document to establish my innocence. I am no cop.
I still have to deal with another case this week where a mother was frantic because I apparently missed giving her child a sheet of paper. (I have 26 children in my class, and all the papers and stationery items are freely accessible.) The very first angry outburst from her call was, "What my dearest son has done wrong to you?"
I dread next Monday coming.
@@pamina1225This is pretty standard behavior in the Western world as well. (UK, US, CA) In addition, I haven't witnessed it but, I heard an online friend in the Philippines complaining about this as well.
I kinda think this is the case with a lot of western-style developed countries.
Bullying isnt a good thing. I went to private elementary school as a kid so i was stuck with the same group of kids from 5 to 14. One of the kids convinced all the others not to talk to me starting in kindergarten, and by 5th grade in a class of 30 students i had 1 friend. And friend was a generous term, he was just the only student who would talk to me. I remember praying tp god in 4th grade that i wouldnt wake up. I have struggled with suicidal thoughts ever since. I have extreme social anxiety which makes my depression that much worse. Bullying has destroyed my life.
"When we protect kinds from ... teasing and exclusion we are setting them up to be weak." Im weak because no one protected me. Im weak because none of the adults for the first 5 years of my social life thought to stick up for me.
That's tough, it really sucks as well because what is a kid to do in a situation like that? It's like throwing a kid in the deep end of the pool and expecting them not to drown, its just cruel. Bullying is a great injustice in our society, I really hope you have overcome and/or overcoming any issues that arose. The fact that you're still here with virtually no support during those said 5 years shows you have strength. Stay strong.
Teasing in a playful/non-bullying way can teach kids the resilience to deal with it in the future as well as the tools to deal with it and to set boundaries, ofc sometimes in certain scenarios adults need to teach them these skills. I think that's the point he was making. Bullying is practically a universal bad.
I was bullied, and it didn't help my confidence. On the other hand, we will encounter "bullies" throughout life. How do we learn to deal with it?
@@diletante6800 , adults have dozens of ways to cope with bullying. If it happens at work you can report the person to HR, you can relocate to another branch, you can leave the company and work elsewhere. When this happens at school the child can't do anything of the above. Complaining to teachers doesn't work (obviously, otherwise there would be no bullying) and you can't just up and go to another school. You're stuck for days and months and years with people who hurt you and people who are unwilling to protect you.
being born in 2006, this us vs them (in group/out group) mentality is so abundant, this video gave a pretty clear explanation of what that entails so thank you! And the notion of parents permitting hyper-dependence brings SO much clarity to my own relations because my parents fit the very behaviors described; they don't encourage me to persevere against challenge, or get out of the comfort zone -- I've always had to persuade them to allowing me to do mentally/physically challenging things. I'm definitely going to be researching into CBT after this video!!!
Born in 2003 and same!!! It's rly hard to break out of these patterns
shoutout to my 2006ers
The line between managing risk and strait hiding is a hard one to find.
Between the lack of housing, and the fact everybody needs a Car to do anything makes it so a kid has to be dependent on their parents. The older generations made our cities hostile to people living in them
I'm a teacher and see this shift happening in India too. I give writing prompts like "an adventurous Sunday" and the answers are mostly about sitting inside somewhere watching TV or doing something scheduled and controlled with their parents. Parents are afraid to let kids be independent and everything is monitored. But I don't have kids of my own - I reckon I'd do the same kind of thing if I did, maybe. The world is a scary place now and who can be trusted?
@Lee Harrison Good point about the news. My sister was home, watching the news (abt 3 years old, maybe) when 9/11 happened, and for hours she sat watching the planes hit the towers before my mother finished her shift at work. Thankfully, I remember my mother letting her take plane rides alone to see her grandmother at a relatively young age
I was born in 2001, I'll be 22 in June. My parents raised me a little more "old-school" than the vast majority of my peers. I was given responsibilities, I was allowed to do my own thing and be independent as I built trust with my parents. My parents divorced twice, and fought a lot. Obviously this is far from an ideal situation, but I think having parents who were dealing with tough problems and weren't able to monitor every single thing I did ended up playing in my favor. I struggled a lot as a child, with not being able to make many real friends. I felt a lot more mature than everyone else in my grade, even though I was already a grade ahead for my age. I noticed a lot of my friend's parents were overbearing and obsessed with everything their child did. And now, it blows my mind how financially illiterate many of my college friends are, and how little motivation they have to work hard for the things they're passionate about. Many of them refuse to accept opinions from someone they don't agree with 100% of the time. I think a lot of people in my generation were deprived of any kind of responsibility, conflict resolution, or decision making experience and it's starting to show more and more.
I really resonate with your experience. I had a lot of free time for my hobbies, like writing music - which my parents absolutely didn't care about. I struggled with making friends, my parents also said it wasn't their business and I had to find a way, which meant I suffered a lot but also quickly learned to adapt and engage with all kinds of people. I joined as many school projects as I could and joined bands in different neighborhoods because I wanted to experience new things. When I got to college the adjustment was pretty easy, it was an Ivy League and not as academically terrifying as I was expecting, but I was shocked at the lack of self-awareness and conflict-resolution of other students, and how they couldn't seem to handle the awkwardness of getting to know other people from different backgrounds. They didn't know how to debate in class despite being called "intelligent", "inquisitive", and "leaders". They looked scared. They seemed to be struggling so much but the problems weren't as big as they made them seem. They could do integral algebra but didn't know how to reposition the shower curtain to avoid leaking nor answer a straight question about how they were feeling. I was blocked by colleagues/friends who didn't like something I said and then had to deal with both of us being on the same project a day later. Also everything has to be scheduled and there is such little spontaneity, they're so scared to do something unexpected along the day, they can't bear the guilt of not working, even if it is good for their health to socialize a little and take a break. And don't get me started on the emotional repression and alcohol binges (I'm not American).
You've compacted your experience to explain the contrast of you responsability being developed and overprotected young people
And I totally agree
I was born in 1997 and the best thing my parents did was ban the TV and computer 4 days out of the week and forced me to play with the kids outside. I learned so many important social skills that taught me to stand up for myself, deal with shitty people and circumstances, and how to take risks. I also was home alone for a few hours everyday and that was crucial for my development.
Smart parents and they were going against the grain, which couldn't have been easy for them. I'm sure others were talking to them and telling them to "be careful."
I just learned those basic stuff in school, and then went on the tv and computer afterwards
I find hostels really good aswell and communal living to teach great social skills.
What days of the week were banned? Asking so I can do this too 😂
@@jillschiller4932 I would assume maybe Mondays to Thursdays??
When I went to university the very first class taught us about Critical Thinking. That lesson sinked in very deep (for some reason that I didn't know then) and I can say with complete confidence that it was one of the MOST IMPORTANT (ANY)THING that I have ever learned. No other skill or piece of knowledge has had a greater and more important impact into every aspect of my life than Critical Thinking.
I also took a class on critical thinking and to this day I tell people that it was the most important class I'd ever taken in university. I still use what I learned every day in all aspects of my life both professionally and personally.
I have to ask my friend if we took a critical thinking class in middle school. It sounds so familiar to me as a class, but I never went to uni.
Teaching critical thinking requires care. Isn't it necessary to know when to _stop_ thinking critically?
Intuitively I agree with what Haidt is discussing here. As a parent of three there are definitely some unique challenges in raising children at this time. That said, I think some additional context is important for some of these statistics. For example, things like going on dates, getting a driver's license, and working for pay are heavily impacted by financial factors. Conveniently, these decreases accelerated during the financial crisis. What about the years preceding 1994 and after 2014? This is a very specific subset of time. Especially when the referenced study spanned from the 1970s forward. Also, simply showing a decrease in these categories without showing a correlation with internet use of those respondents makes Haidt's points speculative. Are the kids engaging in these behaviors not using their devices? Haidt is an important thinker but he has a tendency to start with an opinion and find data to support the opinion. There are a number of alternative hypotheses that could also be influencing these numbers: decrease in family size, economics, increased life span, education levels, etc. Again, these points feel right but there's also some cherry picking going on here.
Agreed. Families were much larger in the past, making familial networks more reliable. I remember that an older sibling could set the tone for a younger one at school. The younger one could be meek and quiet, but the presence of a “tough” elder sibling’s imprint was enough to ward off bullies. A brainy elder sibling could carry a less stellar sibling who could get by on academic favors.
Our society is also less reliant on extended families and social connections. The neighbor is a stranger, not a friend. Communities are more diverse and divided among cultural lines. I don’t look out for my neighbor’s kid because I don’t know their cultural protocols. My form of discipline may not be welcome, or they may not welcome reproaches simply because I have a different background, and they’re wary. Even within groups, there is more economic stratification, so the responses to “normal” child behaviors are different.
We are also more litigious, which is a wholly different story. I’m not even talking to the neighbor’s kid because I don’t want to be accused or sued. And they had better not approach mine!
As you touched upon, every generation faces unique challenges because the times change. That's why the timespan is constrained - to highlight the particular challenges of children born in it as observed by the researchers. If the time period studied became too long, it would not be helpful because the circumstances of the children would become many and dissimilar from each other. The study would lack focus.
I agree with you that a multitude of factors are at play, but again, for a popular psychology-styled video, they're probably not going to list everything they considered - and even if they did, they might still not be completely right, however it can be determined a perfect result to be. As you say and I agree, intuitively the stranger danger factor and parental reaction makes sense and it seems from the comment section that many people have experienced it in their own families. At the very least, it is an "effect-cause" of sorts, resulting from the greater societal factors you mentioned.
@@overnightoats7058 yes, that's where I was trying to go without realizing it. Well said. Imagine a world where smart phones did not exist but all the other factors were in place. Wouldn't parents be isolating their kids in some other way?
Side note, nice username
@@KamalasNotLikeUs Before 1997, families weren't "much larger." He's talking about Gen X. People had 2 or 3 kids just like now but those kids went to the store by themselves, climbed trees, built stuff, got into fistfights, etc. You learned how to think on your feet and you learned how to read the people around you. Kids now are literally fragile and have poor resilience. When you fall out of a tree as a kid, you know you can take a hit. Even if you get more cautious (instead of more brave) you LEARNED it. And learned that you can SURVIVE difficult things.
For a contrast to American thinking on this, look up videos on playgrounds in Europe and some of the traditions for young people including leaving them in the woods overnight with a compass to find their way back home! I'm fortunate to travel to different parts of the world and I'm very worried that this generation of American kids will be quite disadvantaged compared to their international counterparts.
Remember that we're always looking for simple, one-size-fits-all solutions to complex problems that affect people in different ways. Haidt recognizes that and is filling that perceived need.
I also don't trust adults enough not to start a backlash, where they refuse help when asked or inflict cruelty to "toughen" their kids. That would be _really_ popular these days.
Holy. These 10 minutes were one of the best I have seen in a long long time. There is so much important truth and thoughts in it that I would need to write an essay here in order to appreciate everything. This simple video should be played in schools. Not only for the kids but also for the teachers.
"prepare your kid for the road, not the road for your kid" I grew up with a mother that got remarried to a less than ideal man and she directed that on me. I've been called awful things, yelled at, manipulated, my reputation tarnished all from my mother.
The only upside is it's nearly impossible to offend me. I know when I'm being baited, I know when someone is trying to emotionally rile me up and I'm totally unfazed. I have a great sense of humor because of it and people feel comfortable telling jokes and being themselves around me. I'm not advocating to do this for a child as it's messed me up in other ways but it's given me tough skin.
You know that's bad right??? You developed tough skin sure, but the cost is it makes it difficult to connect with others, has an effect on emotional regulation and empathy, and your avoidance techniques only work if you recognize it. It is up to you how you wanna deal with it, but I guess ignorance is bliss.
@@rw5622 your job isn’t to analyze this persons behaviour as a result of their trauma the person simply just mentioned how they were raised, and the fact that they said it’s messed them up in other ways makes it clear they understand it’s “bad”
Your point is mute because he’s conscious of his trauma. That’s more than half the battle. Also it seems you have unresolved petty passive aggressive emotional issues. I would check on that
Being born in 1997, I definitely resonate with some of this. I don't think my upbringing or education prepared me to be independent. I excelled at everything asked of me growing up, and I still felt completely hopeless upon graduating college. I had no idea how anything worked. Luckily I worked through a lot of it.
Born in 99. i just recently graduated college and have had more mental breakdowns than i can count. I always knew I struggled with independence and that my parents never really nurtured my confidence to fend for myself but I really thought it was just a "me"/"my family" thing. The fact that I'm not alone in this and that it might be a product of this cultural phenomenon is fascinating. But also shitty because I still can't take care of myself lol
THIS! I graduated in January and have no idea how to do like set up appointments or do paperwork or handle conflict. I was only ever taught to follow instructions.
@Juliana Ragan, oh my gosh. I find this shocking.
@@smasome The autistic community on particular is taught in schools to follow societal norms and follow directions more than make our own decisions. They want us to be successful, but some of their methods just make us complacent instead.
It is good to let your children be independent however he doesn't acknowledge some of the biggest factors driving this change. Families were once really large and childhood mortality was much higher, so a woman having 8 children might expect that some would die before adulthood and they would still have 7 more children. My maternal grandmother had 9 children (3 died) and my paternal grandmother had 5. I had one sibling and now I have one child. Childhood mortality has dropped at the same time that the fertility rate has dropped. Children are less likely to die now but if they do, it is an even bigger loss to the family and society than it was before. THIS is why parents are more careful. Children are now seen as a more scarce resource and when resources are scarce, they are more protected. If you want to fix this, you'd need to increase the fertility rate and you'll only do that once America has better systems in place for families. Health care is crazy expensive. College is crazy expensive. If you want a good life, oftentimes both parents need to work now. This means less time to raise more children. Fix healthcare, college, and have better protections for parents... you will see the fertility rate rise and you will see less sheltered children.
Very good points!
@@BenIsFiguringitOut Thank you 🙂
To suggest that a parent has less grief over a child because she has more children is really insensitive, to say the least. The loss of a child is devastating, no matter how many children you have. Each child occupies a unique place not only in the parent’s heart, but in the whole family dynamics. The suggestion that somehow that loss is lessened by the birth/existence of additional children or is less painful is pretty reprehensible. And the suggestion of having “backup children” to mitigate loss is a ludicrous idea.
America didn't have systems in place back then. There was no welfare, medicare, no social security. There was polio, dust bowl famine, world war etc. Both parents had to work and so did their children-farm work. Although child labor was legal at some point. People didn't have access to effective birth control. Religion and society was very influential on the lack of "planned parenthood". Children were the retirement plan. And college is laughable when many didn't even finish grammar school because they had to go to work.
That's nonsense. At least the part about parents with many kids "expecting" one or two to die. Parents freak out about perceived dangers to their kids because the media sensationalizes each and every case where a kid (white girl generally.. Non white kids? Not so much) disappears. And even cute little white girls being snatched off the street is a rare occurrence. To this day, it has never happened in the town in which I was raised. And I don't know a single person who has had their kid snatched away. Zero. And I have lived in small towns, mid-sized towns, and large cities such as Atlanta (Yes, my mailing address is Atlanta, not a suburb).
Outside of that first bit, you made some very valid points. But I must ask, what is a "good life"? It sounds like you measure it by material possessions.
To all the fraidy cat parents out there: nobody is going to kidnap your kid. Scraped knees are a good thing. Little Suzy or Little Johnny are going to get over not being invited to the birthday party or being picked last for a game of kickball. Put your own damn phones down and don't let phones be your kids' babysitters.
My mother stayed at home to raise me and my 3 siblings. At least until the youngest was in middle school. My father worked at a factory. We were well entrenched in the lower middle class. We only had 1 car, rarely took big vacations, and didn't wear the latest fashion trends. But we lived a good life. We always had a roof over our head, clothes on our back, and enough food to eat. I walked one block to my elementary school starting in 2nd grade, 6 blocks to my middle school, and a little over a mile to my high school. (Uphill both ways in the snow) And in the summer, we drove Mom nuts being in the house. I can't even begin to count how many times she told us (me and my brother mainly) to "go outside and get the stink off of us" instead of sitting in front of the TV. As long as we were home when the street lights came on, all was good.
It's no wonder kids have so much anxiety now. Their parents (generally the tail end of my generation) raised them to be that way.
I think it's valuable to acknowledge societal issues that GEN-Z have grown up with, not just the way they've been raised. Theres also a whole lot of increased external stress factors they have that is different to do with college, the economy, job prospects, with housing - when GEN-Z's looks at their future it's different to all previous generations. Social media and it's affect on self esteem and self perception is also a huge one to a young person's levels of anxiety, and they've grown up alongside this. Social media being based in external validation and achievement, is a really warped thing to expect kids as young as 13 to try and start being aware of and relating it to themselves. There's a lot of factors of our kids heightened anxiety levels, it's not just GEN Z also where we've had this boom in anxiety and depression and we can't ignore the external societal factors that are the cause of it. It's not just because we think we've raised GEN Z too soft to deal with these external societal stresses, it's the stresses that are the root of the problem - anxiety and depression etc are a symptom and consequence.
As a Gen-Z individual, this whole video seemed like a massive insult. Basically like we’re getting called pussies in a more complicated sounding way. I feel like we have a lot of valid reasons to be angry or existential. It’s not just social media or us being sheltered. We are perhaps the opposite of sheltered since we are so utterly aware of things like climate change and abortion rights and the housing market and how we are exploited as workers. Maybe the problem is the fact that we know our rights and are aware we are being denied them.
@@fionar9468 also gen z, born 2002, tbh i think he pegged us right on the mark
Regardingthe economy, job prospects. every generation grew up with recessions. The stagflation of the 80s, doctom bubble burst of the early 2000s etc. That is not an excuse
@@TheJulianhuang I'm speaking from the perspective of someone living in the Southern Hemisphere, in New Zealand and Australia there is a massive housing crisis and inflation rates are making the cost of living unbearable. We have a cost of living crisis where young people have more or less accepted that they will never own a home, and will rent for the rest of their lives - whereas our parents generation could have bought a three bedroom home in their twenties and supported children at the same time. It is VASTLY different now with the average income, and the average price of a house. Younger generations are choosing to have children much later or much less because of it. The boomers in Australia and New Zealand were PAID to go to university because of government incentives at the time - yet every Millenial and GenZ I know has a mountain of student debt in comparison to their parents. That's how they begin adulthood unless they were lucky enough to have generational wealth that paid for their degree. Yes, obviously, there are always difficulties in every society and generation, but over here our younger generations are inarguably facing issues and specific economic crisis that our parents generation did not. So I don't know where you're situated in the world, but that's the perspective I'm coming from - and that's general knowledge and a hugely discussed issue with our governments trying to HELP younger people become homeowners and achieve financial stability that was much more accessible to our parents.
Not only that! Climate change. All these older people keep talking about playing outside. I remember playing outside a lot as a kid, my parents didn't give much of a damn when raising me, and then one summer it was just unbearable to be outside for more than an hour. So we (the kids in the neighborhood) would wait until 4-6PM to play. And by 8-9 we had to be mostly inside the house.
I was born in 2004 in a small town in Canada. My mother raised me how she was raised and I will always be thankful for the set of skills I was giving as a result. I know how to interact with people and be independent, I have no social media other than TH-cam and I’m starting my own business next year :) I grew up very poor and I think I’ve only benefited from my mothers struggles.
Nah you didn't benefit from your mom's struggles. you just haven't realized how screwed up your are yet.
Don't worry the stress of owning a business will make all that come out
I realized things had dramatically changed when I saw a 11 yr old who couldn't make a PBJ because his mom didn't think he could handle a butter knife and spoon. That was right around 2005.
I was cooking my own meals after school by 10. Boiling hot dogs, grilled cheese, etc... to feed myself as a latchkey kid.
What he's saying about what the parents did to this generation is spot on.
No, what he's saying is an untestable generalization. I know people who say they've had the same kind of experience as you who have sh*t for real life skills, meaning people skills or common sense. They can't reason logically and they are uninterested in education or self-betterment.
@Bogus McBogus You're commenting everywhere arguing. But have offered nothing to counter beyond vague anecdotes. "I know people" isn't a good point because it could be 1) a lie or 2) not representative.
@@bogusmcbogus2637 😂 bruhhh. I legit don't care what you say because it's my point of view and because I'm Gen X, I'm a pro at idgaf. Deal with it. You are all emotionally involved. Relax, my guy. Relax. You gonna pop a vessel.
When you were a child everything was cheaper, and if you made a mistake, so what, it's not a big deal.
A kid drops boiling water them selves, and burns their skin, and that a couple thousand dollars in medical debt at he hospital.
You were over privileged.
Ikr - I was deep frying at the age of 9 and feel like I’ve failed as a parent cause my 5year old wants me to cut the crust off 😂
I was born in 1999, and when I was going through the school system from about 2004 onward I remember feeling like my class in particular was singled out to be guinea pigs. They always had us testing or doing new things, and it felt even to my small mind that we weren't doing what kids before us had had the luxury of doing. I'm glad to hear my initial instincts from all those years ago being validated. I feel like I got off pretty well considering my cohort, but I'm still nowhere as comfortable in my own skin as I'd like to be, and looking around at many of my contemporaries, all fearful and neurotic, it makes me worried for the future, and the hard times that will inevitably accompany it.
Your my brothers age and he says the exact same thing calling his year the "Guinea pigs" as a 2000 gen z I feel the same, I'm not as sensitive but certainly not where I want to be
I've been teaching high school for 20 years (in 4 different countries) and every year the students complain about being guinea pigs (i.e. being subjected to new policies and practices that are experimental and which deprive them of benefits and experiences that previous generations had). I think being a guinea pig is more perception than reality.
This is not just happening in America. I remember as a child (Latin America), my school didn't even let me walk out for one block to my mom's car (so she could avoid traffic), because it was "dangerous". A BLOCK, in one of my city's safest zones. And it was like that even in high school. One of my fondest memories is when I could finally have the freedom to walk on my own wherever I wanted when I visited Europe. It's a shame kids and teens (myself included) are deprived of independence for so long
I am a retired early gen xer. I was a stay at home child because I liked to read. Didn’t like group sport. Didn’t have many friends. To this day I still have social anxiety and not comfortable talking to people (often saying strange things to people out of nerves or discomfort). I did try my best to experience the world by traveling and challenging myself to be physically active. Although I still don’t have many friends and the few I have are starting to drift away (life stages, distance etc), I don’t feel lonely. I was born an introvert with a desire to think, I am comfortable staying home to browse on line and tinkering with craft projects. I hope younger generations will challenge themselves one step at a time like I have. I learned how to budget, how to laundry, how to cook, and how to drive a stick shift (at 41). I have done activities outside of work to balance the desire to be a hermit. Growth was arrested because for decades I had no desire to be a wife and parent but it’s all good. I have achieved independence of mind spirit, and finance all by myself. Young people can do it, just try. A life lived without trying is truly wasted.
As a parent of two children, a son born in 2002 and a daughter in 2005, I can say if I could have had my way, my children would have been raised differently. It didn't seem as much up to me, though. Everyone around me seemed to tie my hands, my ex-husband always looking for me to mess up. He was a helicopter parent from the moment they were born and was very vocal pointing out other parents' "mistakes" long before our divorce. His mother was the same way. I never felt like I lived up to their standards, and the divorce just enforced those feelings, making me more worried about something happening on my watch. Also, society often blames the parent if something happens to their child. You hear how they should have never let them do that because that's what got them hurt, kidnapped, or even killed. I wish I could have let my kids run free from an early age just like I was allowed to do. I wish I had made a better choice in who I had children with. It would have made all the difference.
your ex husband sounds like my mom, and my mom micromanaged me all my life preaching her way is the best way.
sometime in my early 30s i realized she wasn't 100% right. now she is retired sits in the corner and doesn't do anything - btw i'm 36 and living at home still. i mean granted i'm working and saving up for a house I play safe so hard that i'm honestly going to die never having lived. and i'm like shrug* whatever i guess.
I feel a lot women wish they made a better choice in who they had children with. Ah well hindsight is 20/20
After this talk I realized there were definitely a few milestones of independence : going to the movies alone with my older sis, and a couple years later, going yo the movies alone with a friend. I even remember the movies and where.
It really blew my mind when I met an American lady who was visiting New Zealand, at a dinner with my Aunt and Uncle. She were shocked when my uncle described his parents locking him and his brothers out of the house when children, so they could get some peace and quiet, so the kids played outside. Even myself as a younger generation, that was fairly normally and we'd go on adventures down to the river or the park by our house. The women said she would never let her children out of her sight, and never let them outside without her watching their every move.
We all had a good chuckle about her after she left. But seems that behaviour isn't so uncommon there.
Here in the US, those of us raised during the 70s and 80s had parents physically and emotionally unavailable in the extreme. We were called the latch key kids, because we came home to empty houses or apartments and had our own keys. We made our own dinner, became adults at 10 and I saw a lot of those kids, Gen X kids, become the opposite kind of parents. They over corrected the problem by hovering, smothering and planning every minute of their kid's life. I'm frankly glad I was raised the other way. I'm strong, independent, resourceful and don't go to pieces when exposed to differing views or challenges.
I wonder what the crime rates are like in New Zealand? Here in America, I would say, especially those of that parents' generation & older, we were constantly fed news on crime in our areas. Those of us (like myself) who were unfortunate enough to have grown up in a rough neighborhood had that an actual day-to-day reality. So actual vs. perceived reality on crime, I think, plays a part in how American parents parent. You also must remember that through the 70s - 90s, we had a string of high-profile serial killers (Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer, John Wayne Gacy) that terrorized America. I always got the impression that New Zealand was a relatively safe place. Please correct me if I'm wrong, though.
@@artmonkey24 during those years you mentioned, latch key kids were raising ourselves, lol. We walked to and from school alone, came hoe to empty houses and parents seldom had any idea where we were. I didn't see a shift in that until the 2000s. It's not the news, either, as our parents saw the same doom and gloom reporting then as well.
@thegentlelivingchannel I wonder if it's those same latchkey kids grown up that started instilling fear into their kids as a complete opposite then of what happened to them in their childhoods? Do you have children, and if so, what are your attitudes towards raising them?
@@artmonkey24 I literally said that in my first comment, lol. Scroll up.
No kids. Very few of my classmates had kids, but we all married.
I was born in 1990, and I can't relate to people 10 years younger, but I never had any issue with older people (5-10-15-20+). It's like something broke up in the 90s. Very insightful video.
In the 90s we were getting shot randomly by gang members doing a drive by and still went out to play. These narcissists threaten self harm if you don't note their idiotic pronouns.
Same. 80% of my relationships have been with older women rather than younger, and that last 20% have been some of the most frustrating and anxiety-inducing relationships where I was second-guessing if I accidentally put my dick in crazy.
90's kids vs. Gen Z really feels just the simple difference of getting basic texting at age 16 at the earliest vs. growing up with a smartphone + social media, and it's absolutely astounding what a dramatic difference it makes. As he touched on, I get that different generations tend to be judgemental of each other, but I don't remember having friends born in the 70s vs. friends born in the 80s that didn't get along or were overly judgy about generational differences. It does *NOT* feel normal that even the 90's kids are looking at Gen Z and going "yo hold up, wtf they doin over there lol."
@@Longknife
Nah. Im a Gem Z kid amd I fomd that millennials temd to be moe nnitpicky of generational gaps than even Boomers.
Gen X amd millennials are very self rightwpus in theor cynicism amd acvuse their juniors of weakness for anything.
@@neonfroot Such as weakness in typing and spelling?
@@Longknife Oddly, or maybe not so, some of what called 'genZ' (read: me and several 2000's friends) also feel disconnected from the majority of the cohort and beyond. It's worth extra efforts just to get to know them casually and being hard-thinking and isolated didn't help, but the contrasts between that small minority and the rest is unpleasantly interesting, such small example you can compare from some genZ comments here vs. the gibberish above yours.
I guess you can call me millennials too because of this, some of us do bond more or better with genX and Y.
I think it's also important to remember that because of the way North American cities and towns have developed since WW2, it's actually physically more difficult for kids to be independent now than it was, say, 75 or even 50 years ago. It's impossible to go anywhere or do anything without a car. Going to school, going to practice, going to a friend's house. Unless you live in the downtown of a major city like NYC/Boston/Philly/Chicago/etc. with good walkability/bikability/public transit, your parents will have to drive you to where you need to go and that further limits the opportunities for childhood independence.
I was born in '95 and my parents were probably an exception. They didn't let us spend too much time watching TV or playing on the computer because they just thought it wasn't good for us. So we did spend a lot of time outside, but our neighborhood wasn't very big and there just weren't many other kids around. There was also no public transport were we grew up so my parents drove us to every place we needed to go.
I highly recommend a video called "Why We WON'T Raise Our Kids in Suburbia" from a channel called Not Just Bikes. Talks a lot about the issues in this video and in this comment.
This exactly, even if ur parents DO allow u to leave and explore for urself, chances are the nearest thing is miles and miles away and it’s easier to get there in a car. Contrast that with europe, asia, or even parts of Latin America where u could easily get anywhere by just walking
+1 ...That video from Not Just Bikes came to mind right away while listening to this. It really unfortunate that the dependency on cars in this country is making us not just physically unhealthy but also mentally.
I grew up with my mom in Chicago, grandparents in the suburbs and spent my time divided between both. I walked and used my bike in the suburbs, lol. Unless it was brutally cold. Most suburbs are set up around a central area where everything is fairly close together, resource-wise. So I didn't find my time in the suburbs made things less accessible, not did I need to be driven everywhere. Also kids in the suburbs usually start driving the minute they are legally allowed and often have use of a family car or buy cheap used ones.
@@Kinesiology411Chicago isn't everywhere unfortunately, and maybe suburbs that aren't centered or even kinda near bigger cities exist, where resources are miles and miles apart. I walk and bike, but that can take up 1-2+ hours of my day. I work a full time job as well.
I could get a car, but I want to refuse the car centricity of America, and also stay more physically fit along as environmentally friendly.
@@Udontkno7 all suburbs have a central area for groceries, etc. All of them. Your bizarre refusal to drive is your own problem. Your feet work. Your legs work. Just not the brain, apparently., lol. Good luck with that
Born 1991. My Mother was TERRIFIED of me being abducted. To the point I couldn't visit friends until I was 17. At that point I didn't care to. I still don't.
I have a 3 year old and I am also terrified. Not sure what to do about it cuz kids DO get abducted.. sometimes from right next to you.
Also, if you let your kid's wander the streets nowadays you can be seen as a bad parent.
I'm working on it..
I’m the same with my 18 year old😫. The thing is, we’re constantly bombarded with terrible news and then we’re blamed for the effect it has on our brains x
But the fact that you're watching this means that you don't have to be a helicopter parent.
Just know that if anyone is going to abduct your kid which is rare in and of itself it's statistically going to be someone you know vs. a complete stranger.
@@riskyb250 This is important for people to understand. The Amber alerts I have received lately have all been from a parent who doesn't have custody "abducting" their child. I'm not saying that its right, but its not the stranger danger we were taught. If you are in a custody battle with an ex, maybe you worry a little, if not, the chance of your child being abducted is extremely small.
Fuck what other people think and be the best parent you can be. Prepare your child and protect her to an extent, daddy isn't always going to be there for her, such is the nature of life. Preparing her for the world is much better long term.
THIS needs to be shared far and wide!
Though I agree people in my age range are more fragile, but certain example especially the one about protect me from that book is not something I have ever heard anyone in my generation say. It is almost exclusively the parents that want to "protect" kids from certain books.
There are movements on both sides of the political spectrum - conservatives want to ban books that talk about LGBTQ issues and liberals want to either ban or "update" books that may have been written when certain things were not considered bigoted but are now, at least within far left groups. So while it may not be your generation, it is people on both sides of the aisle acting with you in mind - in the same way that Haidt points out that Gen-Z has been overprotected physically, they've also been told that they are "fragile" and cannot handle ideas that might seem weird or wrong, so they are simply removed from viewing instead of being a good way to learn critical thinking. And some in Gen-Z basically have come to believe in this fragility and carry it along with them to college where they don't want books, or particularly speakers who might go against their political/cultural leanings. Haidt's book The Coddling of the American Mind goes into this in a good amount of detail.
guess what we were protected from? Their generation.
@@dddayesq5061 you should not read mein kampf it is a horrible book - 😎 check mate
It should be worth noting that the whole "protect me from that book" is an entirely separate issue and doesn't actually pertain to anything he is talking about. First of all he is framing it "protect me from that book," as if it is coming from the individual seeking their own interests. This does not happen, this has literally NEVER happened. Children and students are not asking and indeed have again, literally - never asked to be "protected" from certain books. This has always come from ignorant parents whose issues stem from more than just having a problem with a book.
This has nothing to do with that he is talking about. It has nothing to do in how children have been raised. It is EXCLUSIVELY a right wing ideological movement that is the basis for the widespread book banning that we are seeing now. The foundation of this is again, exclusively trenched in racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, and xenophobic sentimentality. We know this for a fact, because books that talk about race or sexuality or nationality or ethnicity or gender are the ONLY books being banned or removed. It has to do with this desire to pass down traditions of ignorance, because the people doing it see race and sexuality and gender and ethnicity of little to no importance, to the point where they want their children to be completely ignorant of it. And this is happening entirely because people in positions of power, who maintain those same bigoted traditional values, are validating such sentiments.
It is their goal to delegitimize individuals of color, certain religions, certain genders, and certain ethnic backgrounds as human beings and to legitimize the dehumanization of them. They ban books from schools and libraries so that children remain ignorant of the various forms of oppression done to these groups of people, and so that instead these parents can teach their kids some sort of justification for it. This is quite literally, and that word is not an exaggeration, what the Nazi did to jews and indeed other groups of individuals like nonwhites and gay people. That is because we have literal Nazis in our government, the most famous of which, and it is no surprise that this Third Reich-esque widespread book banning is happening in his state, and that is the governor of Florida Ron DeSantis. He is a literal Nazi, white supremacist, and fascist. He is a Nazi, and indeed it needs to be acknowledged and admitted that many of his constituents, many of the citizens living in Florida are Nazis too. This not opinion or sensationalism, it has legit been studied to death, and the fact of the matter is that over a quarter of the population of the US identifies with Nazi and white supremacist ideology.
It is very disingenuous for Jonathan here to include this seemingly minor detail and stuff it in with the rest of these ineffective forms of child rearing, when in reality it has nothing to do with what he is talking about and is its own separate issue that is incredibly dangerous and needs to be called out directly for what it is as opposed to being dressed up and lump in with everything else he is talking about.
While you are right that it is generally the parents who are the book burners du jour, it is kids on college campuses who protest even ALLOWING a guest speaker who has controversial viewpoints. I have also never heard an adult complain about "micro-aggressions".
Born in 2002, and I've always felt like my parents have been a little bit over protective of my life. So this video makes it so much sense.
I was born in 1946. In my childhood, it was common for 8 or 9 year olds to “ go out and play “ with an admonition of “be home by 5!” Kids played in and about neighborhoods without adult involvement. Pick-up games were common (hide and go seek, baseball, marbles, whatever.) For years now, I haven’t seen these types of self-organized kid activities. And the neighborhood is certainly no more dangerous today then it was then.
Im a dog walker, so walking all day long throughout the neighborhoods in town. I never see kids outside. I mean never never unless they’re being escorted to the car by an adult. You won’t hear them, you won’t see them. But there must be kids there, because there are no less than two dozen basketball hoops in one neighborhood alone. Almost every house. But you’ll never see them in use. Also very sad that there’s quite so many hoops…does that mean everyone is just playing by themselves but parallel to one another? Kids don’t play together. If I showed you a picture of the street with all the unused basketball hoops lined up, you’d think you were looking at some kind of creepy abandoned movie set.
@@EmiliapocalypseI know this is a serious topic but just had to comment on your post, your writing reminds me of a scary story 😂
@@pt8077 but it’s true. I’ve noticed the same.
I guess it differs from region to region still, I'm from the Netherlands, born in 98 and I'd usually straight go to a friend's place after school, call my mom from there to ask what time I had to be home for dinner and from there on out just headed into the village or the nature around it to play. I do have a lot of city-raised friends now who had a much more 'helicopterized' childhood, and with them I definitely recognize the inability to take charge of their lives.
@@Emiliapocalypse Now I’m curious to see, usually it’s just a basketball court with two hoops for me.
I’m only 16 but I feel like the times I’ve grown the most as a person has been the times where I’ve been beaten up (emotionally) and had to crawl my way through it making mistake after mistake until eventually reaching a desired outcome. It sucks in the moment but it is so worth those experiences once you’re able to look back.
I used to be a staff therapist on an adolescent psychiatric unit. I have met many survivors of sexual abuse. Rarely by strangers, most often family, friends, neighbors or mom's boyfriend. Stranger danger is a myth.
Stranger danger doesn’t exclusively refer to sexual assault
it can be but they now kno trafficking can happen via family members so it sucks they dont raise awareness about parents and grandparents who do that
Plenty of groomers online.
Not always the case
Definitely NOT a myth. Just because family members can be dangerous doesn’t mean strangers can’t be.
I’m 20 and I was so overprotected that I struggle now to keep a basic job anywhere or even get a license because I’m so socially behind. I struggle socializing and just talking to strangers that no matter how I much I want I fear of “what could happen”
I have met many people who deal with this. Now they play VRChat (free on Steam) and have slowly learned to socialize through actual experience. I am much older, but it has helped me too.
In my experience teasing, taunting and bullying don’t make the victim stronger. It does, however, make the attacker more confident insofar as they realise that there aren’t many real penalties for their anti-social behaviour.
Amen. Even though he says CBT and critical thinking skills are the answer, I wish he was more clear that a return to tolerating bullying is NOT the answer. One of the things that helps victims of bullying recover is when they hear "you were bullied and that was wrong." That message helps REDUCE fragility. As far as I understand.
Being bullied and excluded didn’t help me grow and become more resilient. It just destroyed my self-esteem, crippled my social skills, gave me social anxiety, and made me isolate myself from others because I couldn’t trust people anymore.
As a new adult, I find these issues hit home. I struggle with doing new things on my own. Even small things like making a doctors appt. or paying a ticket are mentally challenging for me to overcome sometimes. I have gotten significantly better at doing these things, but I do procrastinate a bit. The thought of moving away to college next year terrifies me. Thinking about all the things I will have to do alone and figure out myself is scary. It's comforting knowing I'm not the only one struggling with this, and I'm glad it's being researched.
College student here, I’d say before you go please go to the doctor and talk about your mental health. That first step will help you out a lot with the stress of the world. Find answers
How can you possibly find it difficult to make a doctor’s appointment? I’ve seen someone else who says the same things but I just find it puzzling how it can be. Mind you I’m also Gen Z but I find doing things like that easy to the point where it’s boring now, I started making appointments myself right after I turned 18 and don’t think it’s weird at all. I’m almost finished college and have been traveling from place to place over the past year and don’t find “adult” things challenging at all, I just think they’re very easy and boring, at least not the “doing” part, which I find just routine and boring, but the emotional part is another question
You know this is an especially good video when Big Think includes the "thank you" at the end of the video and they're active in the comments section. Fragility is on the rise and something needs to be done about it for sure
The first minute of this video gripped my attention because I resonated with everything that was said. I was trying to tell my mom this exact thing, but in Gen Z language so dhe didn’t understand. I basically grew up in my bedroom and on the internet because my mom wouldn’t let me out of her sight if I did go outside. I didn’t want to go out anyway, since there was nothing to do. The complex was filled with working adults and the other 2 kids was either my bully or some weird kid I didn’t like. I couldn’t even say I had a true friend until 8th grade. Mentally I’m so messed up because my world has taught me that if I can’t be a proper underaged adult then there’s no reason to invest in me. And I suffer from that mentality myself- I mentally condemn myself if I quit a job or make the wrong decisions, because if I wasn’t going to do it, the adults in my life would.
I sincerely hope us as a generation wasn’t too scarred by our upbringing. Because things are looking bleak for those who can’t afford therapy and a better living situation.
Thanks for sharing your story and I'm sorry for your struggles. Keep telling your story because the only way Millennials and Gen Y will believe it is if they hear it from the generation they were so desperately trying to protect
Over half of that doesn't apply to low income/working class kids. They're too busy trying to not lose their jobs, pay their bills and avoid crippling student/healthcare debt to be offended/fearful of everything. Many of them don't even go to college, because it's too expensive, and their parents can't give them good financial advice. There are exceptions, but most either end up joining the military, learn a trade or live a life of constant struggle. These people aren't fragile and they make up a lot of the population, and it feels like both the media and the universities like to pretend they don't exist.
I was raped and molested very often by dozens of men growing up in the 80s and 90s. Growing up as a young girl, I was constantly being solicited by grown men. I escaped and fought off most of them. It has taken me a lifetime to heal, and most never heal that. I refuse to subject my daughters to that. Obviously, I don't deprive my children of social interaction, and I teach them about the world. I, by far, do not shelter them. However, I think young girls have a much different experience in this world than young boys. The world isn't as safe as the man in this video portrays. There definitely has to be a balance. Sheltering your children isn't the solution... but neither is neglecting them.
Rape happens to men too, they're just socialized not to talk about it where as women kind of bond over this stuff
The world is also much safer than you portray, so I guess both of you are wrong.
3:18 "Sticks and Stones may break my Bones, but Words will NEVER hurt me." Didn't anyone else grow up with this childhood saying???
I think the word "weak" is wrong. That's a very subjective term. I think Gen Zers show a lot of strength and stamina and resolve, just not in the ways older American generations tend to value.
Totally agree.
This is something I noticed but I was naturally explorative back as a child, where as early as 4 I'd go, get out of the hotel doors and find my way to the pool and just walk around.
My parents usually lost me because of my adventurous spirit that instead of nurturing that sense of adventure, I was put on a leash.
And honestly, it explains why as I was around 7 to 16 I gave up on doing something that my parents would disapprove, which in my perception seemed to be just about everything.
I preferred to just play with toys or video games and often times would use the entire time my parents are away (because my grandmother actually gave me some freedom to play video games despite advising me to not play for too long) to play video games and pretend I wasn't (to infinite success) when they arrived,
I'd be less trusting and talkative and prefer to talk with outside sources such as the internet after some point,
I wouldn't even talk very openly about my sexual development with anyone and what I felt because I felt like I already knew the answer was going to be some sort of reprimanding or admonishment for even thinking about some things.
It wouldn't be until later on when I went through several changes of hell to realize who I actually was and feel like I could explore a little more and do some more things, but I still have that fear that I'm doing something wrong sometimes when I'm not. I need the verbal, clear approval of others before doing something, and I still hide a lot of things because I perceive the world as a threat ready to bombard me and discard me to the graveyard the moment I sound, behave or identify as a widely hated group without hearing any reasoning from my part.
In a world like what the video described, where my fellow Gen Z and Gen Post-Z will be raised a lot more sheltered because of this never ending paranoia, where the many tribal mentalities the video mentioned are prevalent, it ultimately ends up being a self-reinforcing problem until someone steps up a-la Martin Luther King and actually breaks the cycle and helps us snap out of it.
I am pretty sure Jonathan Haidt is one of the most important thinkers we have currently.
His peacefull and rational views on alot of topics are really nececarry nowadays.
Thank you.
As a master ballet pedagogue in my final year prior to retirement, there has been a paradigm shift of monumental proportions in my experience.
Professional ballet training and mere mention of the word “fragility” have always and will always remain incongruous - today, tomorrow and into perpetuity!
I am witnessing the fallout of raising fragile children. Teaching requires students move, of their own volition, through an open door, stepping out of “self” into the unknown, unfamiliar and uncomfortable. Many - not all, ostensibly appear “allergic” to discomfort, constructive criticism, focal stamina and critical thinking, to name only a few inherent conflicts in becoming their ballet best. We are doing these children no favors in the long run, deeply saddened and profoundly concerning.
Beautifully articulated, thank you for this!
Let me ask you this. "As a master." What does the word mean to you in terms of craft and teaching, and your relationship to students?
Please feel free to go beyond your title and talk about your teaching philosophy as well. I have some experience in the arts (music) and the teaching side of it is greatly interesting to me. Thanks.
I never thought about how the current mentality would impact arts such as ballet, which is renowned for its difficulty, and other technically demanding skills to master such as classical music. How sad. I hope we don't lose these priceless arts.
@@michellemarie9526 there's been a lot of research into student-centered modes of learning in music. not much of it has been adopted into teaching, because teaching is about tradition and results, and also because arts education is under perpetual threat.
the "master tradition" (what i was hoping to encourage Bette Ann to comment on) is not easily dislodged, and it is firmly teacher-centered. it's not about the wellbeing of the student at all unless the teacher wants it to be.
"Instead of creating a safe environment that's conducive to human health by undoing all the destructive aspects of society we have implemented for our own good, let's just gaslight young people that they are being too sensitive and that there's nothing wrong with the world they are growing up in"
How come when frogs start dying off in an environment, scientists try to understand what's going on with the ecology that is causing that, instead of blaming the frogs for being too fragile?
Funny. I'm guessing the irony of your message being a perfect example of black-and-white, united against 'them', "my feelings are the center of universe" mentality is completely lost on you. No-one is saying there is nothing wrong with the world. What they are saying that the world is objectively less dangerous than 40 years ago, but the modern children see it exactly as the opposite, because of how the modern parenting, education and the social media work.
@@mihars75 This kind of technique, where you look at your perspective and try to see the situation from an objective standpoint, is something I have often done myself, especially in situations that I couldn't control
But to a certain degree it's just trying to take the tooth out of people's anger and telling them they shouldn't get so angry about the injustices of the world.
So while reevaluating your perspective can be important, it doesn't mean it negates what people are angry about
Plus, of course for someone like him, a white cis male professor, there is very little danger in this world. But usually people are protesting for the people in the world who are still being regularly mistreated all around the world. Women, non-binary, trans, gay people, people of color, people in war torn countries, immigrants, refugees, children of abuse... Even just the regular young person has much less power than the person in this video and they have to deal with a damaged and dying world left to them by the generations before them, and they constantly have to jump through the hoops that people of power put before them.
Just because overall we have debatebly less wars and inequality to deal with, doesn't mean that we should just be happy with how things are currently. Imagine healing a burn victim only halfway through, and then telling them to stop whining, they are much better off then before.
The anger of the people that go to the street to protest is valid, and I won't let someone who is in a position of personal safety and privilege tell me otherwise. It's easy for him to say that everyone is just "fragile". The concerns of the so called "fragile" do not concern him.
@@bunnysupreme74 you are correct, but you are also missing the point. Even if I accept your assertion that only white cis-men are safe - there is no shortage of angry ones among them. So, the problems outlined in the video still exist, even in your paradigm. It's just you're assuming that he societal forces that have stoked that anger work only on "them"
@@mihars75 yeah, you are right, that people of all colors, ethnicities, and gender have a reason to be angry. A white cis man might have a huge problem with how the world treats men, for example, among other things. I just had a problem with him criticizing people that go out there fighting for human rights. It just seems unfair, and as if he just cannot relate, especially since the whole video just showed his perspective and not for a second the perspective of those he criticizes.
Also, taking Martin Luther king as an example was kinda weird. Black people were specifically being marginalized by white people. Even if he built a platform of unity, there clearly was a perpetrator for the crimes his fellow men and women suffered. And there was a history of literal enslavement of black people by white people. And marginalization of people of color by white people. Not all white people, but a lot of them. So saying that there wasn't an enemy is kinda missing the point.
I get that focusing on unity instead of difference can be more productive. But I've often seen this narrative used as a way to avoid the real problem. Kinda like when a company cruelly exploits its workers, but then tells them "it's not very useful to just see us as an enemy. Thats very black and white of you, very us against them, my point of view is the most important." it invalidates how they feel. I've been to a couple companies where the workers were made to feel they were simply too weak as people, when it's really the company trying to gaslight and use them
If people of power and privilege really want unity instead of war, they should show it. I wanna see them show they have empathy, that they care, that they want change as much as the people that get marginalized. All I see though, for the most part, is people in power and privilege sitting in their ivory tower, away from what other people have to go through, while pushing the responsibilty on anyone but themselves
@@bunnysupreme74 I think most of this makes sense to me, but I have two callous. First, I do not think the excesses of the people who " go out to fight for people's rights" should be above criticism. Specifically, i think dehumanisation of a human opponent is a pretty important line to cross. Second, I do not think that something that "gives teeth" to progress is such a good thing if it also clouds judgment and/or gives the same teeth to bigots - and most of the things in the video fall into this category, imo.
I’m an older millennial (b. mid 80s), I watched the technology take over society and felt like I was at the forefront of something. I vividly remember how much I hated it when having a computer in homes became de facto mandatory. Luckily my single mom made enough and we came from a middle class extended family, we were able to have the necessary tech to “keep up”, but I remember kids whose families didn’t have those resources.
I spent my childhood with tons of unsupervised and unscheduled time as far back as I can remember, and tons of time outdoors. I was a latchkey kid with couple years younger sister whom I had to take care of while our mom was at work. Cable from the 1990s raised us and I’m grateful for it. My childhood was rough and tumble and it’s made me a resilient adult. I haven’t had an easy life actually, it’s been pretty economically tough coming from a working class small town. Especially since I’m gay and came out in middle school (mid 90s).
I just wanna point out that I think the fragile kids are mostly coming from upper and upper middle class families, I think most working class kids are still pretty tough. Haidt here is selling a particular ideology, it must be said. Of course, he is not wrong about many empirical assessments of current youth culture, but his prescriptions border on pontification.
Thank goodness I had the food sense and good fortune to never have wanted kids myself, but now that I’m old enough to have Gen Z kids myself (i.e. I’m officially “old” according to them), I always have a standard retort when somebody wants their feelings to control a situation. I simply point out that ideology does not arise from feelings but the other way around. They feel certain things because they hold certain implicit beliefs about themselves and the world, they have an ideology. I encourage all people to examine their own ideologies and at least be aware that we all inhabit some ideology or another. Even Jon Haidt.
Well said
@Aila Verco I hope you’re not somehow implying that the fragile, neurotic kids from money are respectful, kind, and good communicators…cause that’d be a joke. I privately teach music lessons to many of them, and my partner works at a private art school where most of the undergraduate students come from moneyed families, and genuinely half of them can’t look people in the eye or respond when addressed and they freak out about something every 5 seconds. It’s absolutely pathetic. If working class kids seem mean to you, then I guess you’ll need to get a helmet, cause life is a bumpy ride and nobody cares about your whining. I’ll take lack of empathy over blubbering mess any day.
@Aila Verco sounds pretty tough to me
@Aila Verco Why would they communicate with you with respect and kindness if you disrespect them for the crime of being poor?
You're not an older millennial you're right in the middle of the pack. Also you're too young to have Gen z kids. They would be gen Alpha
I used to be a big fan of Jonathan Haidt with his book the Righteous Mind. However, as his work has focused more on the “fragility” of the “youth,” I’ve found myself more and more critical of him. I am on the older end of people born within this cohort, and while I have seen the negative impact of things like social media and increased surveillance and structuring of kid’s time, Haidt ends up generalizing very complex issues and using a small cohort of young people (residential college students engaged in activism) to make his point. I grew up with the first cohort of kids to get social media as teenagers, and I currently do counseling with adolescents born in the mid to late aughts. What Haidt is describing, I have only observed in kids who were raised with familial wealth-who had the money to monitor and supervise and shield kids. However, I know many, many young people, in their late 20s to adolescence who have struggled with their mental health. Not because of tribalism or and over reliance on their feelings, but because our society has been structured to make them lonely, because they are more in debt, because their families reject their sexuality/gender identity, because their chances of buying a house/getting a full time job/doing as well as their parents have dwindled. We have a generation with personal crises, but those crises are not primarily because the current generation thinks in cognitive distortions, it is because we live in an alienated society with fewer opportunities for the vast majority of young people.
The media does a good job of fueling controversy and blaming it on young, overzealous activists. However, most young people aren’t engaged in activism, and the ones who are overzealous as teenagers generally outgrow it. Haidt’s ideas have become circumscribed by the fact that his biggest experience of working with young people was at NYU, a wealthy private school with a non representative sample of students. There’s some truth in what he says, but I find most of it to be a stretch.
First time in history people from less privileged backgrounds and minorities got the opportunity to share their experiences and a lot of people who are not used to seeing those people on top or have platforms are unhappy about it. I don't like enemy politics either but there will always be outrage from the people who are denied basic human rights, health care, etc they are just pointing out the obvious and how those things directly affect their lives, and like it or not they will always see people at power who making laws against them as their enemy. Diversification is important. Every old generation thinks the generation after them is fragile but at the end of the day, we are doing our best ❤
Dr. Haidt is a status quo kinda guy, I feel. He's a psychologist but his chair is at a business school (NYU, IIRC). There must be a reason.
If you ask me, its because he's anxious about the younger generations challenging established (if not necessarily correct) cultural wisdom. That includes formerly silenced groups now finding a voice in the conversation.
Haidt's big mark on public discourse has been the "moral matrix," where he theorizes that conservative morality is more nuanced because they're not just about caring and fairness, as progressives are. Authority, sanctity and in-group matter just as much. Unfortunately "5 is better than 2" seems to be his conclusion.
I'm not an American but I definitely can relate. As someone who was born in 2004, my early childhood was good, I played with the children from our apartment complex, but as I started getting older and got technology and internet in my hands when I was 8/9, I rarely went outside to play. My parents didn't let me go to my friends' house easily; had to beg for it most of the times (even though one of my friend's house was couple streets away). One time when I was 15 ,my parents almost made a call to the police because I was running late to home by 25 minutes. Even though I am very grateful to have such caring parents, I feel as though I couldn't do things I wanted to do or go to places I wanted to go to. I slowly but surely became addicted to the internet and instead of turning on the T.V to watch cartoon network as soon as I got home, I opened youtube(and watched FBE lol). It became so much worse during covid, I would spend every waking moment online. It's becoming better because I was going to go insane if I consumed even one more video of some kinda random shit that I have no concern about.
I mean triggers are real for deeply traumatized people and addicts. It's not always a choice to have strong reactions to triggers, that's not to say there are people with very low tolerance to challenging situations though.
With greater access to mental health information via the internet, I think a lot of academic lexicon (words traditionally used by professionals in the field of psychology, such as "triggers," "gaslighting," "narcissist," etc.) has been misinterpreted or misused by the public as the words enter common vocabulary. Some people use "trigger" to describe something they simply find annoying, so the increased usage of the word might not necessarily mean that there more young people actually experiencing triggers. I wouldn't be surprised, though, if a good number of people weaponize the term simply to avoid dealing with discomfort, which may in turn, lead to lower tolerance to challenges.
Yeah, quite disingenuous to say as a supposed mental health professional. I'm sure many trauma survivors can smell the fishiness of this video as a whole.
I'm old. When I was about 8 years old, my younger sister and I used to take the bus into a nearby city for weekly dance lessons. My mom took us the first time to show us the way. After that we were on our own. I don't recall being frightened at all, ever, during those trips. We also did things like walk with friends to a not immediately close local library and shopping area to load up on books and buy a snack at a local lunch counter. As for play, our parents had no idea where we (all the neighborhood children) or what we were doing and were simply called home for dinner. I lament that children no longer experience that amazing feeling of freedom.
Good stuff Jonathan. As a Historian, I will suggest that this is part of a larger historical pattern in Anglo-American history. What also happened in the 90s (so the same time as when we have seen this change in children) is that, as a culture, we decided that “pain should be banished.” It started in the pharmaceutical industry, and to be generous, I will say that they did what they did for noble reasons. Still, from that, we suddenly thought to “protect the kids” and that spread throughout our society. I have worked with students for other 30 years, and the education industry also began to speak in terms of “eliminating pain” around the mid-00s. Of course all of that movement is disastrous because, as most know, pain is a teaching tool, whether physical pain or pain within the life on the self (getting a bad grade, not making the first string, not getting the artistic part because not talented enough, not getting the raise, etc…).
i see a lot of kids that could stand some pain to make them better behaved.
@@JohnSmith-ti2kp I see the danger of backlash. We could become a sadistic society that inflicts a lot of meaningless pain. Or wait a minute... _maybe we're that way already!_
These kids have anxiety because they feel entitled to comfort and in reality no one wants to humor their Narcissism. Have an opinion? "That's hate speech! Silence them!". They're lonely and angry for good reason. Not fit for society, like a rabid dog.
@@RatPfink66 they are that way. They're narcissistic and entitled. Want to silence everyone. Rabid.
In 2009 a friend of my brother had his son over for a visit, and that was when I realized something really bad had started with parenting. He and his wife had agreed to never use the word *_NO_* to their child(ren) and I literally had to restrain myself from not screaming bloody murder right then and there. How the hell can you train a young child to think he should be allowed to do anything, and that nothing is wrong, is beyond me. He must have serious issues by now entering the real world where there definitely is a right and wrong, and when people do tell him no he will most definitely be faced with a wall of fear because it is just something he doesn't know how to deal with.
Bubble wrapping children is the worst mistake any parent can do, because it is only mistakes we can learn from. By removing things(challenges) that can make your child grow just because *_YOU_* are afraid, is making your child fear as well. I see it all over the place where adult after adult are just spreading their own fear onto other people's lap as if that is to care for someone else, when it is the complete opposite. If you are afraid, just keep it to yourself. Allow others to fail on their own, because that's the only way anyone can ever become stronger and more resiliant to life itself.
I've seen children walk around with helmets, because parents are afraid of them falling, and I just wish I could do something to save that child from destruction. Allow children to fall and learn that falling hurts. It never means that you want your child to knock their teeth out, it only means that you want it the freedom to grow, and the only way to become tougher is to do tough things.
Making a conscious decision to never tell your child no is absolute lunacy. It won't be difficult to connect the dots trying to figure out why that kid is the one that no one likes.
> the real world where there definitely is a right and wrong
...and it often has nothing to do with fairness, kindness, helpfulness or other moral teachings we tried to impart. It has to do with things like obligation, expectation, and following orders to earn a livelihood.
I just missed the cut off here born in 92 but I noticed even when I was in college how many of my peers couldn’t do simple tasks like ordering food over the phone because that was scary and could be awkward. It was as if any possible uncomfortable situation was to be avoided. That was shocking to me to say the least but I it makes more sense after watching this.
I had helicopter parents growing up. I’m grateful for what my family did for me, but at the same time I realize there are times I’ve become so reliant on them and that it’s hindering my independence as I get older. They almost never believed I could do anything on my own without their supervision because they thought I wasn’t “street smart” but I couldn’t have learned because I was never allowed in those situations. I know they didn’t want anything to happen, but I wonder what I’d be capable of if they didn’t raise me that way.
Totally agree with this!!! I let my children have more and more freedom to choose their own fates as they got older, let them walk home from school, be unsupervised for increasing lengths of time and so on. I was criticized for this and had more than one butt-insky stranger tell me I was a bad parent but I didn't let it get to me. I stuck to my guns. The world is not the super dangerous place it is made out to be. We must let our children learn to trust their OWN instincts before we turn them out into the world at 18. If we have made every decision for them and supervised their every move, they will NOT BE PREPARED. Now grown, both my children are responsible and contribute to society. They make their own decisions, have self-agency and healthy self esteems.
You should do parenting seminars. Not even kidding. Many clueless parents need to hear this. Repeatedly.
Thank you! I was walking to school alone before my friends were even allowed to play on the street unsupervised. While I had freedom, none of my friends did so essentially neither did I. I now see that I am much more independent than my friends. I moved out for university while almost all of them stayed home.
2000’s child and psychology major here, and I’ve seen first hand through middle and high school the dependency on technology and the rise in social anxiety. This is actually one of the topics that got me interested in psychology as my high school graduating class consisted of 40 people, all of which I knew quite well. Most of this kids were homeschooled their entire life and had a schedule of consisting of not much more than homeowner and video games. I noticed a lot of these people staying home, doing community college, and continuing to live with their parents well after high school. The need for “safety” is a real thing for this generation and they have a hard time getting out of their comfort zone. I feel lucky to have my electronic consumption restricted as a kid, and I see that those who also were restricted struggle way less with these issues.
Entitled and Narcissistic. Like rabid dogs.
living wth parents is common in history and outosde the west. Also, housing market really isnt the best rn
I was homeschooled. I went to community college after highschool and lived with my parents until I was in my early 20's.
I found that I acclimated better to the community college atmosphere than did my peers from public school. I was more used to the freedom it provided and the independence we needed to show in order to get a degree. I frequently left campus between classes, and no Administrators showed up if we started missing classes with increasing frequency. ('We' being general; I always attended.) They simply flunked us (again, in general) and moved on. A lot of public schooled students had to learn some hard lessons, because they were not even used to being able to take an ibuprofen for a headache without adult supervision, never mind walk to the drugstore between classes to buy a bottle if you were caught without.
When I transferred to the university, I found that they were treating the students as if they were still teens in highschool. There was a lot less independence expected or even allowed. I found the atmosphere more stifling and disliked it. My employment history was much more like my experience in community college; you had the times when you were expected to attend, with consequences if you did not, and nobody watched to see where you went when you were not on the clock.
Because I stayed at home during my college years and went to community college instead of a private university (I finished my degree at a state U), I graduated with only a thousand dollars of debt, and started working full-time right away; since I had learned, as community college students often do, that the important thing was to get your degree in a skill that was in demand, I chose computer science instead of art as my major.
Haidt starts his piece by pointing out that these kids spend less time going out with friends, don't get a driver's license as often, don't go out on dates, don't work for money as much. I went out with friends at least weekly, got my driver's license, dated, worked for money during my entire time at college, and lived for a full year alone before marrying.
In short, I don't believe that "going to community college" or "living in your parents' home" are signs of sheltered parenting. It has simply made sense for many, many decades, and the 90's kids are the strange ones who get the weird impression that people have been able to afford an unshared apartment starting at graduation from highschool on a minimum wage job since, like, 1620... or that "real life" constitutes going from your parents' home and your sheltered highschool life to your "dorm mom" and your sheltered university life.
Born in 1992. Mom hovered and put bars on my window. She did everything for me, even when I got a bit older and didn't want her to. I can't blame her for the way I withdrew myself from the world. I never practiced initiating with people or being friendly. Had introverted hobbies that were looked at as being not enough, so felt forced into hobbies like piano and dance for years.
I have no friends and no social ties at 30. I was trying, but it's too painful. I want to be alone.
It’s okay to be alone sugar. Do what makes you comfortable. You’re doing everything right, just try to step a little more outside of your comfort zone everyday. ❤
And your dad?
"Every generation loves to complain about the generation coming along"...good summary of the video.
There was never-ending complaints about my generation too, who is on the left side of all your charts.
There will be more assessments for the next generation, showing how much better kids were 20 years ago.
Anxiety in kids is discussed all the time and highlighted by adults. No wonder kids have become anxious - it is being modelled by parents, adults around them. In my generation we played in the park next door by ourselves at a very young age and only came home when the cow bell was rung from my father. I would have hated it if we were ‘supervised’ by parents. This is where we skinned our knees, climbed the walnut trees, made huts, accidentally broke the fire hydrant, played war (ok I was a tomboy). This is where we sorted out who was in charge, where our skill sets were and how to stand up for ourselves and learned the skills of compromise without an adult. How do kids learn these skills nowadays and how to they learn resilience? The sad answer is that they don’t. All this ‘coddling’ has robbed our young of essential life skills 😢
These memories would have been so fun. Unfortunately, I feel like I got the bare minimum.
@@tahiti1901 I know you can't change your past, but there are ways to connect to your inner child.
My daughter was born in 1995. Her mother coddled and protected her. Drove her everywhere, made sure she was in some sort of sports league that she never wanted to participate in, etc. She was pretty much free range when she was with me. “Be home by dinner” was the only thing I cared about. I taught her to drive a stick shift when she was 13 on back county roads. But work took me across the country, so my influence waned. She didn’t want to go to college (fine by me, I did tell her get a skill though, but she didn’t ), she didn’t get her driver’s license until she was 19, she has done nothing to make herself independent. Any advice I have tried to give her over the years is regarded as an attack on her, so I have quit offering. She is 28 and stills lives with her mother, and lets her mother still run her life. It is like she is a perpetual teenager. I’m so sad for her, but I can’t help. She is an “adult”.
I, born in the mid 2000s, agree with this so much. Till today, I still would love to play childhood games with my friends, but I can't. I had to convince my parents that I could cross the road to go play basketball in the neighboring community, and they simply don't allow my sister to step outside into the neighborhood park. However, they still boast about how back in the day in India regardless of how hot it was they used to play from dawn to dusk (if I said the same thing, they'd go bonkers). My parents never put me in team sports as a kid since they were scared I'd get "allergies," and while I do want to learn to play baseball and football now, when the other teenagers are in varsity, how can I ever try? Funny enough, our adult (18+) league has far more beginner programs than the kids one and I look forward to joining one when I get older.
Branching out into society, this has divided all the kids into two distinct groups - the video gamers and the athletes. The last time the video gamers ever stepped outside to play physically was probably in 5th grade, and they see absolutely no point in making friends beyond their Fortnite server. The thought of playing tag would be probably repulsive. On the other hand, the athlete kids never played for fun outside with neighbors; they were always in some youth association playing soccer, basketball, football, etc, and their time outside is dedicated to perfecting these sports and nothing else.
This dynamic may be present in only my locality, but what's similar about them? There are no in-betweens (I'm one of the few exceptions) and they've never really had the conventional childhood of just hanging out as a group and playing. Again, it's totally driven by the distinct "my child could never get a scratch" or "are ya winnin, son" parents. In my neighborhood specifically, the kids take pride in playing video games for 10 hours straight and don't step outside at all. Whoever's fault it is, I wish it'd change.
I have noticed this too about sports. If you didn't learn to play when you were very young, by the time you get to age 10 or so there are no more beginner options. They expect you to already know how to play and play competitively. There are no 'just for fun' options. Occasionally you'll find them for adults but definitely nothing for teens.
I was born in 94, and it is crazy how different I am compared to my younger siblings. didn't have social media til I finally went to college in 2016. Grateful for that!
It is very difficult for me to imagine that allowing kids to be bullied is positive for their development
Not overly sheltering and allowing bullying are not the same.
no one said it is……
@@pabloescobarschanclas I think this video paints anti bullying education as harmful for child development when I think that’s a positive thing, kids need to face adversity but responsibility should still lie with people perpetrating bad actions
Kids are definitely still getting bullied… now it’s just cyber bullying which may be worse
@@pabloescobarschanclas
Alot of people imply it though.
In my area, they don't even let HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS cross a single-lane street on their own. They shut down the entire road for about 20 minutes to let them cross. I'm not even that old (late 40's), and when I was a kid 6-year-olds walked home alone with zero help.
When I did an exchange semester in the US I noticed how immature 18 year old college students were compared to 18 year old Dutch students. Especially with drinking, going out and independency in general. 18/19 year old Americans were acting as 15/16 year old Dutch teens and I think it has to do with this.
Well, it's still illegal to drink at that age in the US, so that's probably why
This hits home. I loved to play outside and be rowdy as a child. My dad encouraged this while my mom was always apprehensive. As soon as my parents separated and my dad moved away, my mom became very very protective against me. She sheltered me and I lost the sense of play and personal capability around 10 years old. I’m 23 and it’s still gone. My mom inadvertently instilled within me a fear of failure as she would process all of my difficult emotions and hold my hand through literally everything. I never learned proper coping mechanisms and my mental health has always been volatile. Even though I’m 23 I do not feel like an adult because I’ve never had the chance to function outside of my mom’s grasp. And every opportunity that arises for me to do so scares me and I decline out of fear. I feel paralyzed as I have so many dreams for my life but don’t have the grit to walk towards them.
If anyone else has been working through this and has any helpful advice for how to improve, I would be so grateful. I’m so tired of living like this.
The interesting thing about generations is that your parent’s generation ( it’s values, etc) is probably the biggest influence on your life. I’m an older millennial. My parents are younger baby boomers. There was a stark difference between me and peers my age (who’s parent were typically gen x) growing up. The difference is still present, and in most cases it has grown
Probably no one will read this- but I also think it’s important that we don’t mislabel this issue as “they didn’t go through enough hardship, so are struggling.” That’s the same thing the younger generation says about older generations (ironically) and it’s an easy way to undermine the struggles of another person, making it difficult to heal from.
Not being able to experience regular life milestones IS distressing. That is hard. Severe isolation is hard. Coming across violent videos and extreme porn at a young age is hard. Global pandemics, rising political tension and financial crises are hard.
And the goal is that each generation get better, right? I doubt the boomer generation knows what it’s like to live through world war 2, but that doesn’t mean the Cold War wasn’t scary.
It’s also important to note that not all young people showing signs of codependency can be characterized as “over sheltered.” Often times, people who doubt their place in the world were not protected from harm, that could be the reason they’re hiding. Someone who was severely hurt multiple times and unable to reach out will also avoid interaction and self isolate. It’s actually worth noting that victims of bullying do worse in the future and have more issues socializing than those who weren’t bullied, so I doubt less exposure to bullying is the core issue here. Plus, if you were raised on the internet- it’s actually a particularly hostile place, where you will grow up seeing many extreme opinions and intense hatred very easily. We’re living in a new era of digital cults.
And I’m not sure I buy the premise that young people bullied less. At least outside of the US, peer treatment was still pretty harsh.
It’s also worth noting that a lot of young people struggle the most with perfectionism and a sense that they don’t belong- these are probably two of the most detrimental things to the human psyche.
And too much time online can lead to an over emphasize on the mind and thoughts and not enough emphasis on action. That’s healed- not through pushing someone to experience more harsh things- but by simply taking the phone away, and creating less depending on the phone in school or work places.
If someone has been mistreated (or isolated with only one parent) a lot we have no idea what’s happened to them behind closed doors or why they might be struggling. Assuming they were coddled or “didn’t go through enough struggle” can actually further deliver the message that they have no one to reach out to, no viable option towards healing, and no place in the world, furthering their isolation.
This was very informative and much needed to be said and heard. Sharing this with my college going son. Thank you, Jonathan. Thank you Big Think!