Born in 1950, I remember so well these early days, and how each of these increment changes, so slight in retrospect, seemed at the time gigantic. I always knew I was gay, even though I didn't have a word for it. I thought of myself as a "sissy" and that other people finding out would be the ruin of me. I never learned to throw a ball overhand - I threw "like a girl." Yet I was afraid to own up to it and simply ask someone to teach me. Gym class was a holy terror as we mainly played sports rather than focus on fitness. When we divided up into two teams, I was always one of the "left-overs" that each team fought NOT to have on their team. Baseball, always baseball. I'd wind up in the outfield, begging god silently that the ball did not come my way. I doubted I could catch it and I knew I could not lob it back to where the runner was, not far enough, not accurate enough, and oh, my, being seen throwing it underhanded. I had a crush at a very young age on Mighty Mouse, then Disney's Peter Pan (NOT Mary Martin's stage version), then on to the Hardy Boys and Roy Rogers. These of course were not sexual attractions, merely a sense that I wanted to be their VERY special friend for some strange reason. People did not talk about homosexuals - they would just drop their wrist and say something like "you know . . ." The Hays Code for movies prohibited use of such terms as "homosexual." (This was in an era when masturbation was equally taboo.) I would read the early reports following the landmark Kinsey report about the relatively large percent of men who were gay or who had at least one gay experience. Then I would look around to find fellow travelers. I'd hear rumors that such-n-such an actor was gay, such as Rock Hudson, only to find out he was or had been married (to a woman) which in my mind ended my speculation. So I began to think that anyone really weird, like someone acting strangely on a bus, MUST be gay. (How do you think this impacted my own self-image?) As a side note, while there were fledging gay rights organization in the '50's and '60's, one very important but underrated positive effect came from the male "physique" magazines, starting in the 1950's. Gorgeous young men in stylized poses wearing just a posing strap, who must have been gay-friendly enough to seen on these pages. I believe the numbers showed these publications reached many more people than the political rights groups, despite them mainly being purchased at an out-of-the way newsstand, cheeks flaming red with embarrassment. I went to college in '68. The campus library had open stacks and sometimes I would gather the courage to check the card catalogs for books on homosexuality. (I also got a cheap thrill from finding the word "penis" in any large dictionary.) There were, I remember three books on the subject, books that treated the condition as a mental disorder, but at least covering the topic in an otherwise virtual desert. I was afraid to even go near the stack where these books were, thinking people knew these books were there and watching to see who would give themselves away by showing interest in these books. The news of the Stonewall riots in June of '69 made very little public impact, buried in the back pages. But by that September, gay groups on campuses were springing up. At my college, it was the "Gay Liberation Front," reflecting the Vietnam-era of people fighting back on all sorts of issues, often literally. Again, the weekly meeting was held off campus, not in the Student Union, at the chapel, but I actually thought there would be straight people hiding in the bushes to "out" the people seen attending. So I didn't. The movie "Boys in the Band" was seen as a landmark film, homosexuals actually interacting with each other. Still, they were presented as so bitchy, it kept me from wanting to meet any other gay person. And further depressed my self image. I had some friends who openly joked about going into a bar and - horrors - finding out it was "one of those bars." This was one way news got around. This bar was located in an industrial area which otherwise closed down at 5 pm, so patrons could go to the bar without being visible. I was not a drinker and not the type of person who feels comfortable in that type of setting, trying to make small talk with strangers without the social lubrication of alcohol. (Alcohol makes me drowsy, not the life of the party.) But finally I came out in Oct. of 1973, going not to a bar but to the Albany gay community center. I was stunned to find such "normal" people, not wearing just raincoats and flashing innocent people or others of that ilk. And three years later, while on unemployment, I became THE state-wide lobbyist for NYSCGO (NY State Coalition of Gay Organizations). I was by no means the right type of person for this, not the extrovert who enjoyed attending cocktail parties or hanging out at local bars to "buttonhole" legislators, but nobody else wanted to do it, particularly at the salary (i.e, none). We fought to get two bills passed. One, a gay civil rights bill, and one, to repeal the state's "sodomy" law, which prohibited ANY sexual practice (i.e., oral or anal) between consenting adults unless they were married. (The second was repealed eventually under the different between married and unmarried.) Part of my job was to get constituents to come to Albany to talk to their own legislators. The guy representing lower Manhattan (i.e., where Greenwich Village, particularly the Stonewall district) felt positive pressure from his constituents to sponsor such bills. Upstate legislators, even those representing the cities such as Albany, Rochester, and Buffalo, would openly state their belief there were NO homosexuals in their districts. We would hold lobby days and considered it a big deal if we got, say, two people from Rochester, three from Buffalo. After two years of basically "holding down the fort," I tried to more into a more appropriate (for me) job, I couldn't get a job with "gay lobbyist" on my resume, except at the local "club baths." After a year there, I was able to claim I had worked at a "men's health club!"
Born in 1950, I remember so well these early days, and how each of these increment changes, so slight in retrospect, seemed at the time gigantic.
I always knew I was gay, even though I didn't have a word for it. I thought of myself as a "sissy" and that other people finding out would be the ruin of me. I never learned to throw a ball overhand - I threw "like a girl." Yet I was afraid to own up to it and simply ask someone to teach me. Gym class was a holy terror as we mainly played sports rather than focus on fitness. When we divided up into two teams, I was always one of the "left-overs" that each team fought NOT to have on their team.
Baseball, always baseball. I'd wind up in the outfield, begging god silently that the ball did not come my way. I doubted I could catch it and I knew I could not lob it back to where the runner was, not far enough, not accurate enough, and oh, my, being seen throwing it underhanded.
I had a crush at a very young age on Mighty Mouse, then Disney's Peter Pan (NOT Mary Martin's stage version), then on to the Hardy Boys and Roy Rogers. These of course were not sexual attractions, merely a sense that I wanted to be their VERY special friend for some strange reason.
People did not talk about homosexuals - they would just drop their wrist and say something like "you know . . ." The Hays Code for movies prohibited use of such terms as "homosexual." (This was in an era when masturbation was equally taboo.) I would read the early reports following the landmark Kinsey report about the relatively large percent of men who were gay or who had at least one gay experience. Then I would look around to find fellow travelers. I'd hear rumors that such-n-such an actor was gay, such as Rock Hudson, only to find out he was or had been married (to a woman) which in my mind ended my speculation.
So I began to think that anyone really weird, like someone acting strangely on a bus, MUST be gay. (How do you think this impacted my own self-image?)
As a side note, while there were fledging gay rights organization in the '50's and '60's, one very important but underrated positive effect came from the male "physique" magazines, starting in the 1950's. Gorgeous young men in stylized poses wearing just a posing strap, who must have been gay-friendly enough to seen on these pages. I believe the numbers showed these publications reached many more people than the political rights groups, despite them mainly being purchased at an out-of-the way newsstand, cheeks flaming red with embarrassment.
I went to college in '68. The campus library had open stacks and sometimes I would gather the courage to check the card catalogs for books on homosexuality. (I also got a cheap thrill from finding the word "penis" in any large dictionary.) There were, I remember three books on the subject, books that treated the condition as a mental disorder, but at least covering the topic in an otherwise virtual desert. I was afraid to even go near the stack where these books were, thinking people knew these books were there and watching to see who would give themselves away by showing interest in these books.
The news of the Stonewall riots in June of '69 made very little public impact, buried in the back pages. But by that September, gay groups on campuses were springing up. At my college, it was the "Gay Liberation Front," reflecting the Vietnam-era of people fighting back on all sorts of issues, often literally. Again, the weekly meeting was held off campus, not in the Student Union, at the chapel, but I actually thought there would be straight people hiding in the bushes to "out" the people seen attending. So I didn't.
The movie "Boys in the Band" was seen as a landmark film, homosexuals actually interacting with each other. Still, they were presented as so bitchy, it kept me from wanting to meet any other gay person. And further depressed my self image.
I had some friends who openly joked about going into a bar and - horrors - finding out it was "one of those bars." This was one way news got around. This bar was located in an industrial area which otherwise closed down at 5 pm, so patrons could go to the bar without being visible. I was not a drinker and not the type of person who feels comfortable in that type of setting, trying to make small talk with strangers without the social lubrication of alcohol. (Alcohol makes me drowsy, not the life of the party.)
But finally I came out in Oct. of 1973, going not to a bar but to the Albany gay community center. I was stunned to find such "normal" people, not wearing just raincoats and flashing innocent people or others of that ilk. And three years later, while on unemployment, I became THE state-wide lobbyist for NYSCGO (NY State Coalition of Gay Organizations). I was by no means the right type of person for this, not the extrovert who enjoyed attending cocktail parties or hanging out at local bars to "buttonhole" legislators, but nobody else wanted to do it, particularly at the salary (i.e, none).
We fought to get two bills passed. One, a gay civil rights bill, and one, to repeal the state's "sodomy" law, which prohibited ANY sexual practice (i.e., oral or anal) between consenting adults unless they were married. (The second was repealed eventually under the different between married and unmarried.)
Part of my job was to get constituents to come to Albany to talk to their own legislators. The guy representing lower Manhattan (i.e., where Greenwich Village, particularly the Stonewall district) felt positive pressure from his constituents to sponsor such bills. Upstate legislators, even those representing the cities such as Albany, Rochester, and Buffalo, would openly state their belief there were NO homosexuals in their districts. We would hold lobby days and considered it a big deal if we got, say, two people from Rochester, three from Buffalo.
After two years of basically "holding down the fort," I tried to more into a more appropriate (for me) job, I couldn't get a job with "gay lobbyist" on my resume, except at the local "club baths." After a year there, I was able to claim I had worked at a "men's health club!"