thank you all for the amazing comments, you all are so cool. i really appreciate your support. i’m definitely going to keep making content. i will probably just explore different ideas than usual.
This was all so relatable. I'll happily watch whatever content you make, regardless of whether it is about DID or not. We are also a system with AuDHD and have gone through this same cycle of intense drive to change the world and protect others into feeling we cannot do it. I nearly cried when I heard you describe how just wanted to live with your friends and do your own thing. That's exactly how I feel. I just want to live in a little cabin in the woods next to a very specific lake with a few people that understand me but only when I want them to. It's exhausting for every narrative of your life to be reformed constantly and I don't know at this point whether I'm discovering more about myself or just making up stories for some other reason.
I experience burnout and shutdowns in a similar way. I have many interests that i love to indulge in but i have found that with myself and many other autistic and/or ADHD people, that the second an interest starts to feel like a chore, passion leaves and dread takes over. Its related to executive dysfunction and pathological demand avoidance. I personally enjoy your more casual info-dumpy videos. They feel natural and the words actually make it to my brain. it helps me (and im sure many others) learn in a different way that isnt so.. square? In the box? Boring? You've helped me learn alot by just talking as if youre explaining an interest to a friend. So keep doing whatever is natural!! Dont let something you love become a chore to dread and avoid. But do allow yourself breaks and refreshers whenever needed. Remember that we get this content for free, and you dont owe us anything.
I just wanted to say that I found some helpful things I wanted to pass on: 1. Working with my therapist, I was able to get disability accommodations for my bipolar disorder (which was likely undiagnosed DID). This allowed me to enroll half-time without losing any of my financial aid. It's pushed my schooling out an additional year, but it's allowing me to finish my BS. 2. I have taken a LOT off my plate and filled it with other, more relaxing things. I realized that no good work goes unpunished and the reward for hard work was more work. I decided not to be a martyr for an institution that couldn't care less about me. So, I feel a lot less stressed taking more time. 3. I'm going to finish my education, but I'm pivoting. Now, I'm planning to find a job and do socially significant stuff on the side. I've thought about it all a lot, and I feel as if no real, revolutionary change can ever come from the end of a job. Thus, I want to secure my free time to pursue social meaning making. Seasonal allergies and the medication for them are making me a little delirious and I feel like this isn't particularly coherent, but I hope some of this helps???
I can understand how frustrating, challenging, and intimidating it can be to express yourself online. Especially when you know there are people in the online dissociated system space who want to pick apart every word you say and are actively discouraging others from expressing themselves. Talking about your own personal experience is important and helpful, not just to yourself but to others as well. As far as more "educational/informative" videos go, just remember that there is no way to include every detail of every aspect of what you're describing. Otherwise, your videos would be hours long. In my opinion, I would find it very interesting for you to describe something educational/informative, and then relate that to a personal experience. I learn a lot more about myself from listening to others' personal experiences than from listening to someone read a technical paragraph from a book and rattle off statistics and infographics. There are plenty of people already doing that. Your audience watches your channel because we like YOU. Just be YOU. (YALL) Because yall frikken rock 💖
TW: suicidal ideation, substance abuse I had to drop out of my early college program. It just fucked with me. I don’t know what happened but I just didn’t care. I used to care so much. But I stopped caring enough to actually get the work done. The problem wasn’t that I couldn’t either, it was that I could, but I just didn’t care enough. I wasn’t depressed. It was specifically with school, the assignments kept piling up and the pile would get bigger until eventually, three weeks ago, I drank again. It had been three years since I had drank alcohol. I turned eighteen and I was having suicidal thoughts, and I felt compelled for some reason to drink again. And then I checked my email. I had been dreading checking it because it seemed every time I looked, I was getting an email from one of my teachers saying they were worried about my ability to pass the class, or that I missed some really big assignment. Well, my worst fear came true. The one class I needed to graduate high school, I had missed one crucial assignment. And I failed. When I tell you my heart stopped, I felt my stomach sink into this pit of dread. And suddenly I couldn’t see a future for myself anymore. Ever since I turned 17, it’s been a count down for me to figure out what the fuck I’m going to do. So I dropped out of the college program, I’m in this writing program to get my last half credit, I’ll graduate on time. Just need to write a few essays. And I got a full time job. I just finished my first shift. I’m tired. And my parents are super happy for me. I like getting paid. But I can’t help but worry I’m going to get burnt out. I wonder if there’s just no way for me to be happy. When you said you wished you could get free shit I was like, ‘Jesus fucking christ that would be such a goddamn relief to just NOT HAVE TO WORRY ALL THE TIME.’ First three months being an adult in late capitalism and I hate it. But I’m luckier than most and I’m optimistic about my future, (ish.) Anyways, I hope you stay safe out there. It’s understandable you don’t want to have your words picked apart, and I wrote all that to basically say I completely get it, you haven’t failed. The education system wasn’t built with us in mind. Most of the world wasn’t built with us in mind and it’s exhausting trying to constantly twist and contort yourself to perform to their expectations. If you don’t post at all we will understand :p
Trying to accept a change in your identity is so hard. I was the smart kid. i thought of myself as such. and the pain and shame and the amxiety that came with learning i am not was so hard. i think it helped to think of myself as the curious kid who loves learning instead of smart kid maybe thinking about your identity and reframing it slightly might help if you decide to pause your studies
I was going to be a counselor then found out I had DID I dropped out. Didn’t feel it was ethical! Not that I wouldn’t make a good counselor but it’s not ethical to do that to myself and you want to be stable when dealing with traumatized people. It’s not a failure! You have DID you are very creative and can rebuild your identity. All is not loss! You’re just learning about yourself.
I'm auDHD, and I relate to a lot of things you've mentioned. Your videos will be missed, but I'd rather know that you're taking care of yourselves than pushing and burning yourselves out to record videos! And like you said, the internet has become such a negative place. I really don't understand it either.
my partner and i discovered we both might have DID explaining a lot about our relationship. Crazy how a couple can kinda match up alters and therefore mask eachothers DID. Both of us dropped out of college and had a major mental breakdown while attempting to escape our abusers (hint: its the entirety of both of our families so yippie!!!!) DID is a super cool disorder full of funsies
We typed out a long comment and youtube deleted it so here's the main points rq - Look after yourself before other people (ie put on your own air mask before helping others. We hope you inderstand this analogy we're eepy) - You could be comparing your current videos to whst you used to make whereas before you had nothing to compare to so now your brain is like why is it not as good/better when personally we think your content has been generally improving - If you stop youtube we're happy to have watched some of it. If you just want to stop talking abt DID and be a channel that appens to have DID but explores other stuff like music or somethin we'd stick around for that - We gave lifechanging education stuff up at onepoint, it was worth it. It's always a risk but having a plan is usually a good sign. - pancakes r so good
This entire video was so relatable, please do what makes you the most comfortable. I'm willing to watch anything you put out, or just wait until your ready to come back.
I relate a lot. Especially how you said “there’s so many things about myself that I don’t know and it’s terrifying” like yes and also you saying how you are obsessive and “think about thinking” like yes and tbh I kind of always related the thinking part to like a mix of being majorly &chronically depressed and as well as an anxiety type thing like maybe as internalized thoughts, especially how much they are like sometimes how it almost is like a flood of questions you know where they’re never ending and the constant back and forth you know where there is almost this like mind wondering kind of thinking, I experience this a lot and honestly being on some kinda medicine helped me the most with that, like of course it depends on which medicine and everything everyone’s different so it may take time to figure out your dose but yea that’s one of the reasons I prefer being on them, I’ve been on many and as I’m 26 now and not on any like I’m really wanting to, I just need another new dr it’s a long story but yea I just wanted to put that out as yea the meds I wonder if anyone else has tried tho and has any experience with it tho
Honestly I would cite knowing other people with DID as a major reason I'm still in school. I think the isolation and struggles with my mental health would have forced me to take another gap or drop out for a while. Having people around who understand me is a huge source of grounding. Being autistic with ADHD on top of being a system while trying to get a degree totally would have shredded me without my support system of other multiples and neurodivergent students who KNOW. Not to mention I have a great therapist. You remind me so much of my partner, he's also an autistic system with ADHD and other health issues. College has put him through the ringer. I really hope that whatever happens, you come out okay.
you're so pretty! I like hearing you ramble. I like hearing your perspectives on did [I agree with them and it sucks only having the most popular one heard and validated] you don't have to talk about your did all the time I will still support you
I think you may be thinking of autistic burnout rather than a shutdown, but regardless, even if you are "having an autism moment", that's still a valid reason to take a from something. Not only does autism burnout often include skill regression, so you could be literally incapable of doing it for all we know, but even if you're technically capable, it's much healthier to take care of yourself to avoid prolonging the burnout and increase your capacity to do survival-related tasks. I've really enjoyed your many validating, galaxy-brain takes on DID, but as someone who's been burnt out for 6+ years, I can't even selfishly want you to keep making videos that wear on you; I just want to see someone in a similar position to mine get their needs met.
You are interesting and you are smarter than me because you can edit and upload a video, I find you relatable which is nice because not a lot of people relate to me. I’m not sure about the negative coping mechanisms, I still struggle. If I don’t use it I feel terrible. If I do, I also feel terrible
I saw a thing the other day about how autistic people often hear 'do the best you can' and take it very like, having to do everything THE BEST EVERY TIME, even if it literally breaks our bodies and minds. But thats not what doing your best means, it means doing the best you can, BEFORE you start to make yourself and things..I think neurtypical or non traumatised people know that it doesnt mean you have to hurt yourself doing it, because then youve gone OVER your best. But all of yhis is so hard for neurodivergant people anyway. I havent gone to uni because I got burned out so hard just from highschool and had to drop out. I would only be able to go to university if it was 2 days a week and the days started at lunch time lol. But yeah this isnt a personal thing to you at all, its a world thing. Dont be surprised if you struggle with the working world too because it jsut isnt set up for us. Also there are other paths and you have your whole life to learn about yourself.
I had no idea I can relate this hard to someone, I thought I the only one who thinks like that 😭 speechless. Anyways, take your time, hopefully we'll both somehow figure shit out 🤣😭
I have always enjoyed your channel and am still sorry for my outburst. Your thoughts and videos, in general, are very smart to me, and for now, they are the only ones I like to consume on the DID topic. Your example of the math class perfectly represents my experience. I have a Bachelor's in Math and struggle with the Master's. Making proofs was frustrating and often made me feel stupid while studying. After hours of hard work and an impressive headache, I got my exercise back with zero points because of something I had missed. I participated in some of the events organized by the Plural Association. The central point I have taken with me is this kind of war. A lot of people with DID are having trouble finding the proper treatment, and several speakers, professionals in psychology, repeatedly describe this problem in different words. For me, your feature as a psychologist is way more your insight than a hundred percent knowledge of the books. In the end, your job is craftmanship, and you have to make the decisions about how to consult people. You are doing great, and thank you for your work!
i had to drop out of high school due to mental shit. i get it. i think theres a large theme with pda for me that is quite literally TOWARDS life. i have to feed, clean, and fend for myself, a house, and participate in 8 hr a day capitalism. to live, i HAVE to do these things. so i very strongly relate when you describe desiring a life of creativity, friends, and picking berries; and to feeling like you aren't built for this world. I also want to say, you already /have/ helped people, and if you leave your videos up they will continue to help people. youtube has allowed you to reach a larger audience with education and mental health. basically, no matter what, i think i will always remember your videos, and how much they helped me during the earlier days of my system diagnosis. I really hope things get better for you!
I'm 47, and have similar problems/experiences. If I can give you any advice it is to continue to pursue your goals but to do so on your terms. I do not mean, to make analogy, if you have a cake making business, and someone asks for a gluten free carrot cake in the shape of a rabbit you make gluten-containing keto zucchini bread in the shape of a carrot. I mean make the best carrot cake in the shape of a rabbit you can the way you feel is best and you are happy with and if they tell you how long the ears should be down to the millimeter before and after frosting or how much sugar to use and you know that is wrong or dumb or just impossible for you or understand or accomplish, ignore them. I cannot tell you how many times I've tried to do things their way and ender up with a "C" or with them telling me it is inadequate or barely adequate, or just turning it in late, or them promoting the guy next to me who is relatively incompetent but more assertive. Its better to do it your way and be not perfect or wrong then to endlessly try t conform. If that means doors are forever closed for you, fine but let them close those doors. Don't close them because you are too afraid to do thing your way just to appease overly-controlling people or systems. Because that is truly a lose-lose proposition.
I can super relate to all of this. I recently went through something similar with a career I just spent 5 years working towards only to realize I never actually wanted that but thanks to my autism and alexythymia everyone I talked to misunderstood what I wanted, including myself. LOL woopsie. Also I relate to the things you said about making DID content, and often feel like a lot of the times I try to record stuff because I think it might help someone else, even if it feels authentic in the moment a lot of the time I start--it just feels icky or fake or like I'm not actually into it any more. I run into a similar thing when I'm doing flowarts or dance. Sometimes for me I just try to "do it blind" just like make the messiest most unperfect thing and treat it like me saying something to a friend. I often do this by either just voice recording or using an ai audio transcriber app, cause like sometimes for me looking into a camera becomes a head fuck and adds to gender dysphoria. also oh my god my dog always fucking does that when I'm recording/talking and I swear sometimes she's picking up on anxiety or excitemnet in my tone and I also swear she can tell when I switch before I do and will be annoying ass hat whenever I'm certain female alters hahaha anyway, I feel like I had more coherent thoughts but knew that if I didn't say something I'd never remember to come back
I relate so hard to what you said about the radiohead posters in your room. I think that way all the time. I thought it was just normal, honestly. It felt really good to hear someone else voice those thoughts.
Thank you for the video! Dont have enough resources to properly comment but we're here and will support you in any choose you all guys make! Life is hard and so expensive TT Also you're super attractive and amazing!!
Only thing tho, I haven’t finished yet but one thing, please don’t let the whole school thing be something that like kinda eats away at you, like please don’t let a stupid piece of paper be the defining thing, because I promise you that pretty little piece of paper they have is a bunch of crap especially when most of the time they have no idea what the heck they are even talking about. Fr giving me meds and then oh no you don’t have to taper them because they don’t make you have withdrawals.. like what? I don’t know what the heck that dumb dude was on because omg like again what !? WHAT THE HECK DOES HE EVEN MEAN BY THAT LIKE HOW COULD THAT EVEN BE POSSIBLE LIKE WHAT ?! But anyway yea I mean I have also always wanted that, and even more as I’ve got older, which I think is part because I think how I’ve been thru therapy and stuff yet wasn’t ever able to figure anything out, wasn’t able to even really do much to help myself but hey maybe it won’t be such a waste of other people and their time or even a waste of me like if I can use any of that to help anyone else, even one person then I think that will be worth it because they are worth it (and again please do not let some stupid piece of paper, or the owner of that said paper, let you think otherwise)
Thank u for posting rhis and thank u for all these videos, I feel lots of times like I see the world and feel tging, like u ❤ I just found out I have DID, also adhd and autism! And my alters are different gender or non binary!
I feel like sone people have something like PDA except where they ask you something like, for example where, to order food from, and they give you three options (having excluded all the other options because they don’t like them). So, not knowing your preferences very well of not feeling very strongly about it, you ask them what they want to do,. So then they say they are indifferent. But as soon be as you pick your preference, they develop a strong aversion to your choice and then they ask you again, and you pick one or the remaining options, and then they develop a strong preference for the other option and a strong dislike for for both your first and second choices.
I remember you mentioning that youtube might be a nice job to have or something of that kind. maybe that's also contributing to this somehow. But people come for the content but stay for the person. so making proper well researched videos can be paused if its unpleasant for you to make them. and make somethis less taxing that bring you joy. its not gonna stop the core audience from watching the vids I personally don't mind whatever type of video you upload. of if you don't upload for a while to take a break.
1) People on the internet can be vicious and terrible. I wish there was a good easy recommendation for dealing with that. Just wanted to say that it's not wrong that they're getting you down. 2) I don't know if you ever watched any Bojack Horseman, but even if you haven't, try to track down season 6 episode 10, "Good Damage." Don't worry about following the B-plot, it won't make much sense without the backstory, but the A-plot stands alone pretty well -- it's about one of the main characters struggling to turn all her traumas and mental-health struggles into a book, and some of the things you said here about struggling with this channel makes me think it would be really cathartic to watch right now.
I wondered when this was going to come. I love your videos, most of all becuase i like how honest and articulate you are. You are in transition L - Take time to find out who you are. I just changed my name legally - now, mind you - i switched my name, so you understand I finally allowed one of my strongest selves to come up front. I am a differnt person - a year in i'm still trying to find music that i like now. I'm 63 years in a body, 20 years in my head, and i wish life was free too - I worked my ass off doing shit i hated because i gave up my dreams for others and their approval. Now i finally feel like i'm the person i was meant to be - but i didn't get a life. The social media world is so poisonous. Look after yourself. Anything you decide to do and IF you want to come back it will be very cool. Or, just have a fucking fabulous life! Seriously. By the way , i think you have no idea how brave you are - holy crap ! Okay - now put on some music and jump up and down and yell or sing -- keep doing that.. Maybe go have some fun and then do a video about the fun.
you’re so awesome, i just went to a garage show for the first time last night with all of these alternative people. i’ve been jumping up and down and singing. i value your insight, thank you. - L
@@magesystem Cheers! - I was thinking of you today when i was in a store down town (and i haven't been out of the house for anything other than doctors) for FOUR fKing years. So, found out the opthomologist fuckmy prescription for the 4th time. Ya., no glasses, no art, no reading. I've been having regular meltdowns yelling i want my life back - OR the life i wish to have more to the point. And today that was really more on point, I was thinking about all you said and knew i had felt the same so many times and had not listened enough, or put 'ourselves' first when it was the time to do it. I also admire all you are doing schooling and work at the same time - processing during all that. AND that's the time to really hang on to carving your space; This is in backward order of thoughts - - - I was in this store; and there was a basket of rocks - and i had such personal delight in picking out this $2. rock that said 'adopt me' please - - -Jumping up and down and singing, have a Rave with BreadCrumbs - it's little things that are the really big things for our spirit. 🐈⬛😻 Alys and Moonbow and our Frida cat. Ah! making music and picking berries - I'm in
Take it easy, take time for yourself, and DID isn't required to be a daily topic, cause it can f you up. It's much easier to be yourself, truth is: you can't change the world, only yourself and your collective/system. Nothing in this life comes easy.
autistic shut downs are used for something else. they are described as inward meltdowns, to put it simply. I think the word you are looking for is autistic burnout. it's like burnout but happens for autistic reasons, like masking too much or working.
16:16 i have anixity about talking to people=i think its not talking to people for 9 years except for animals, and my family useing talking to hert me alot= i think the 2nd 1 is why im scared of talking to any1.
Sounds like you're just completely burnt out, hun. Time for some, or more, time for yourself. You don't have to quit everything, but sounds like you do need a break. I hope you find something that works for you. You may have to put a few things on hold. Get your degree, scale back from something else. Good luck!
I really enjoyed this video. I found it relatable because I go through phases where I'm unable to get myself to do something that I previously said I was going to do. And sometimes the reason is just because it feels like a chore but in the case of trying to convert the public. Oh I really feel like you're going to hate this but I'm going to say it anyway. I think you really have to look at how this disorder forms in the first place. Then you have to consider that Stanley Milgram proved that 60% plus of people shock another person to death at the behest of an unknown authority figure they met a few minutes ago. The number jumps to 90% when they add peer pressure. Tipping point of society study was done and confirmed the exact same thing. I read a book called the army of enablers and in that book it points out that it's really not those sickos who abused us who are the most at fault. These people were completely deranged a rational person would not have stood by and let them do what they did a person who knew better should have locked them up and made sure they never saw a child again for the rest of their life but this book points out that it is the mob under the effects of the bystander effect that just allows this person to do whatever and that this is actually where the guilt lies. I tend to agree looking at the effects of these various studies and say that Hitler did is he identified the 10% that would prevent him. Then he replaced them with propaganda. So that he could get the people to do whatever he wanted. Then you have to realize that the bystander effect is what has been going on with all of the problems in society. It may be very legitimate that these same masses of bystanders in many ways gave us ptsd. We found we couldn't make personalities or interjects out of them because none of them were heroes they stood there on the sidelines. And you may feel that you don't want to preach to them anymore. Or to help them in any way because there's no point. Even if you got them to do the best things in the whole world and understand every concept that you explained if a better leader came along they would go with that one instead. Honestly, this is what the puppet studies have shown. They tested little babies and had them watch puppet shows where puppets acted both good and bad with behaviors like bullying and sharing. The babies amazingly discriminate between the puppets that were acting well in the puppets that were acting poorly. By giving them social shunning and looking away. However later in the study they introduced that the bully in the bad puppets liked the same kind of crackers as the babies and the babies all capitulated to allowing the behavior. This goes on as adults as well. Humans are pleasure seekers and the pleasure of being in a group over ways the pleasure of doing what's right. That is how we got this way in the first place and so the more you teach them to follow you the better you've trained them for the next guy who gets them to do worse. And so deep down I think if we were to sit down and talk to ourselves about this we would realize that the only people you're really talking to are the neuro divergence. And arguably even though people will say I'm being an a****** when I say this I'm not trying to say it they say that mental illness is when your parts don't agree with each other. They won't all stay on board with the same plan. If this plan went from being a tribal society where people were basically protected around one another and people who were harmful and predatory towards children had to live on the outskirts of of the tribe being blackballed but that same guy realized that if he started molesting the little girls when they were young and stealing from the tribe that the tribal members would be just as happy to go along with him. This could be because just as cows have a piece of magnetic in their nose so that if they stampede they don't kill each other humans are set up so that 90% of them follow the leader in a crisis situation. And since the whole world is traumatized they think they're in a crisis situation all the time. But then it kind of really goes back to the crackers and isn't that how religion gets people to overlook morality too did you have the same kind of Catholic wafer or was it a matzo cracker well now your morality is okay because we're in the same group and we don't report on each other here. So there is a certain amount of disgust that has to go on and when you understand that it is the people who are disagreeing and their parts are not 100% on board are really the people who are not 100% on board with the world system that takes advantage of people to continue a patriarchy they have to kill a certain amount of people or neutralize them due to child abuse to continue its program because its agenda is not healthy for humans. Tribal people have almost no suicide and they work 1/3 of the time nobody would go along with this b******* clearly unless they were forced to
But it could also be that their pleasure seekers and that being part of a group is a bigger pleasure than doing what someone else would consider right. Or even the horrible possibility that before people went into the Stanley Milgram study they were barely being restrained from killing and torturing others and that when a new authority figure said go ahead and do it the little tiny string holding them back was broken
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thank you all for the amazing comments, you all are so cool. i really appreciate your support. i’m definitely going to keep making content. i will probably just explore different ideas than usual.
Yayyyy I'm glad to hear that. I am looking forward to whatever you make next.
This was all so relatable. I'll happily watch whatever content you make, regardless of whether it is about DID or not. We are also a system with AuDHD and have gone through this same cycle of intense drive to change the world and protect others into feeling we cannot do it. I nearly cried when I heard you describe how just wanted to live with your friends and do your own thing. That's exactly how I feel. I just want to live in a little cabin in the woods next to a very specific lake with a few people that understand me but only when I want them to. It's exhausting for every narrative of your life to be reformed constantly and I don't know at this point whether I'm discovering more about myself or just making up stories for some other reason.
So adhd people just like being away from people?...
Take a breath, take a break, stop going to 125%, take it back to simple things that make you happy.
I experience burnout and shutdowns in a similar way. I have many interests that i love to indulge in but i have found that with myself and many other autistic and/or ADHD people, that the second an interest starts to feel like a chore, passion leaves and dread takes over. Its related to executive dysfunction and pathological demand avoidance.
I personally enjoy your more casual info-dumpy videos. They feel natural and the words actually make it to my brain. it helps me (and im sure many others) learn in a different way that isnt so.. square? In the box? Boring?
You've helped me learn alot by just talking as if youre explaining an interest to a friend. So keep doing whatever is natural!!
Dont let something you love become a chore to dread and avoid. But do allow yourself breaks and refreshers whenever needed. Remember that we get this content for free, and you dont owe us anything.
I just wanted to say that I found some helpful things I wanted to pass on:
1. Working with my therapist, I was able to get disability accommodations for my bipolar disorder (which was likely undiagnosed DID). This allowed me to enroll half-time without losing any of my financial aid. It's pushed my schooling out an additional year, but it's allowing me to finish my BS.
2. I have taken a LOT off my plate and filled it with other, more relaxing things. I realized that no good work goes unpunished and the reward for hard work was more work. I decided not to be a martyr for an institution that couldn't care less about me. So, I feel a lot less stressed taking more time.
3. I'm going to finish my education, but I'm pivoting. Now, I'm planning to find a job and do socially significant stuff on the side. I've thought about it all a lot, and I feel as if no real, revolutionary change can ever come from the end of a job. Thus, I want to secure my free time to pursue social meaning making.
Seasonal allergies and the medication for them are making me a little delirious and I feel like this isn't particularly coherent, but I hope some of this helps???
I can understand how frustrating, challenging, and intimidating it can be to express yourself online.
Especially when you know there are people in the online dissociated system space who want to pick apart every word you say and are actively discouraging others from expressing themselves.
Talking about your own personal experience is important and helpful, not just to yourself but to others as well.
As far as more "educational/informative" videos go, just remember that there is no way to include every detail of every aspect of what you're describing. Otherwise, your videos would be hours long.
In my opinion, I would find it very interesting for you to describe something educational/informative, and then relate that to a personal experience. I learn a lot more about myself from listening to others' personal experiences than from listening to someone read a technical paragraph from a book and rattle off statistics and infographics. There are plenty of people already doing that.
Your audience watches your channel because we like YOU. Just be YOU. (YALL)
Because yall frikken rock 💖
TW: suicidal ideation, substance abuse
I had to drop out of my early college program. It just fucked with me. I don’t know what happened but I just didn’t care. I used to care so much. But I stopped caring enough to actually get the work done. The problem wasn’t that I couldn’t either, it was that I could, but I just didn’t care enough. I wasn’t depressed. It was specifically with school, the assignments kept piling up and the pile would get bigger until eventually, three weeks ago, I drank again. It had been three years since I had drank alcohol. I turned eighteen and I was having suicidal thoughts, and I felt compelled for some reason to drink again. And then I checked my email. I had been dreading checking it because it seemed every time I looked, I was getting an email from one of my teachers saying they were worried about my ability to pass the class, or that I missed some really big assignment. Well, my worst fear came true. The one class I needed to graduate high school, I had missed one crucial assignment. And I failed. When I tell you my heart stopped, I felt my stomach sink into this pit of dread. And suddenly I couldn’t see a future for myself anymore. Ever since I turned 17, it’s been a count down for me to figure out what the fuck I’m going to do. So I dropped out of the college program, I’m in this writing program to get my last half credit, I’ll graduate on time. Just need to write a few essays. And I got a full time job. I just finished my first shift. I’m tired. And my parents are super happy for me. I like getting paid. But I can’t help but worry I’m going to get burnt out. I wonder if there’s just no way for me to be happy. When you said you wished you could get free shit I was like, ‘Jesus fucking christ that would be such a goddamn relief to just NOT HAVE TO WORRY ALL THE TIME.’ First three months being an adult in late capitalism and I hate it. But I’m luckier than most and I’m optimistic about my future, (ish.)
Anyways, I hope you stay safe out there. It’s understandable you don’t want to have your words picked apart, and I wrote all that to basically say I completely get it, you haven’t failed. The education system wasn’t built with us in mind. Most of the world wasn’t built with us in mind and it’s exhausting trying to constantly twist and contort yourself to perform to their expectations. If you don’t post at all we will understand :p
Trying to accept a change in your identity is so hard.
I was the smart kid. i thought of myself as such. and the pain and shame and the amxiety that came with learning i am not was so hard.
i think it helped to think of myself as the curious kid who loves learning instead of smart kid
maybe thinking about your identity and reframing it slightly might help if you decide to pause your studies
I was going to be a counselor then found out I had DID I dropped out. Didn’t feel it was ethical! Not that I wouldn’t make a good counselor but it’s not ethical to do that to myself and you want to be stable when dealing with traumatized people. It’s not a failure! You have DID you are very creative and can rebuild your identity. All is not loss! You’re just learning about yourself.
I'm auDHD, and I relate to a lot of things you've mentioned. Your videos will be missed, but I'd rather know that you're taking care of yourselves than pushing and burning yourselves out to record videos! And like you said, the internet has become such a negative place. I really don't understand it either.
my partner and i discovered we both might have DID explaining a lot about our relationship. Crazy how a couple can kinda match up alters and therefore mask eachothers DID. Both of us dropped out of college and had a major mental breakdown while attempting to escape our abusers (hint: its the entirety of both of our families so yippie!!!!) DID is a super cool disorder full of funsies
We typed out a long comment and youtube deleted it so here's the main points rq
- Look after yourself before other people (ie put on your own air mask before helping others. We hope you inderstand this analogy we're eepy)
- You could be comparing your current videos to whst you used to make whereas before you had nothing to compare to so now your brain is like why is it not as good/better when personally we think your content has been generally improving
- If you stop youtube we're happy to have watched some of it. If you just want to stop talking abt DID and be a channel that appens to have DID but explores other stuff like music or somethin we'd stick around for that
- We gave lifechanging education stuff up at onepoint, it was worth it. It's always a risk but having a plan is usually a good sign.
- pancakes r so good
+
This entire video was so relatable, please do what makes you the most comfortable. I'm willing to watch anything you put out, or just wait until your ready to come back.
I relate a lot. Especially how you said “there’s so many things about myself that I don’t know and it’s terrifying” like yes and also you saying how you are obsessive and “think about thinking” like yes and tbh I kind of always related the thinking part to like a mix of being majorly &chronically depressed and as well as an anxiety type thing like maybe as internalized thoughts, especially how much they are like sometimes how it almost is like a flood of questions you know where they’re never ending and the constant back and forth you know where there is almost this like mind wondering kind of thinking, I experience this a lot and honestly being on some kinda medicine helped me the most with that, like of course it depends on which medicine and everything everyone’s different so it may take time to figure out your dose but yea that’s one of the reasons I prefer being on them, I’ve been on many and as I’m 26 now and not on any like I’m really wanting to, I just need another new dr it’s a long story but yea I just wanted to put that out as yea the meds I wonder if anyone else has tried tho and has any experience with it tho
Honestly I would cite knowing other people with DID as a major reason I'm still in school. I think the isolation and struggles with my mental health would have forced me to take another gap or drop out for a while. Having people around who understand me is a huge source of grounding. Being autistic with ADHD on top of being a system while trying to get a degree totally would have shredded me without my support system of other multiples and neurodivergent students who KNOW. Not to mention I have a great therapist. You remind me so much of my partner, he's also an autistic system with ADHD and other health issues. College has put him through the ringer. I really hope that whatever happens, you come out okay.
you're so pretty! I like hearing you ramble. I like hearing your perspectives on did [I agree with them and it sucks only having the most popular one heard and validated] you don't have to talk about your did all the time I will still support you
I think you may be thinking of autistic burnout rather than a shutdown, but regardless, even if you are "having an autism moment", that's still a valid reason to take a from something. Not only does autism burnout often include skill regression, so you could be literally incapable of doing it for all we know, but even if you're technically capable, it's much healthier to take care of yourself to avoid prolonging the burnout and increase your capacity to do survival-related tasks.
I've really enjoyed your many validating, galaxy-brain takes on DID, but as someone who's been burnt out for 6+ years, I can't even selfishly want you to keep making videos that wear on you; I just want to see someone in a similar position to mine get their needs met.
Im pretty sure its bad burnout for 6+ years for me too.
^ well said
You are interesting and you are smarter than me because you can edit and upload a video, I find you relatable which is nice because not a lot of people relate to me. I’m not sure about the negative coping mechanisms, I still struggle. If I don’t use it I feel terrible. If I do, I also feel terrible
I saw a thing the other day about how autistic people often hear 'do the best you can' and take it very like, having to do everything THE BEST EVERY TIME, even if it literally breaks our bodies and minds. But thats not what doing your best means, it means doing the best you can, BEFORE you start to make yourself and things..I think neurtypical or non traumatised people know that it doesnt mean you have to hurt yourself doing it, because then youve gone OVER your best. But all of yhis is so hard for neurodivergant people anyway.
I havent gone to uni because I got burned out so hard just from highschool and had to drop out. I would only be able to go to university if it was 2 days a week and the days started at lunch time lol.
But yeah this isnt a personal thing to you at all, its a world thing. Dont be surprised if you struggle with the working world too because it jsut isnt set up for us. Also there are other paths and you have your whole life to learn about yourself.
We had to give up on our graphic design major and the shame still gets to us sometimes
I had no idea I can relate this hard to someone, I thought I the only one who thinks like that 😭 speechless. Anyways, take your time, hopefully we'll both somehow figure shit out 🤣😭
I have always enjoyed your channel and am still sorry for my outburst.
Your thoughts and videos, in general, are very smart to me, and for now, they are the only ones I like to consume on the DID topic.
Your example of the math class perfectly represents my experience. I have a Bachelor's in Math and struggle with the Master's. Making proofs was frustrating and often made me feel stupid while studying. After hours of hard work and an impressive headache, I got my exercise back with zero points because of something I had missed.
I participated in some of the events organized by the Plural Association. The central point I have taken with me is this kind of war. A lot of people with DID are having trouble finding the proper treatment, and several speakers, professionals in psychology, repeatedly describe this problem in different words. For me, your feature as a psychologist is way more your insight than a hundred percent knowledge of the books. In the end, your job is craftmanship, and you have to make the decisions about how to consult people.
You are doing great, and thank you for your work!
i had to drop out of high school due to mental shit. i get it.
i think theres a large theme with pda for me that is quite literally TOWARDS life. i have to feed, clean, and fend for myself, a house, and participate in 8 hr a day capitalism. to live, i HAVE to do these things. so i very strongly relate when you describe desiring a life of creativity, friends, and picking berries; and to feeling like you aren't built for this world.
I also want to say, you already /have/ helped people, and if you leave your videos up they will continue to help people. youtube has allowed you to reach a larger audience with education and mental health.
basically, no matter what, i think i will always remember your videos, and how much they helped me during the earlier days of my system diagnosis.
I really hope things get better for you!
Just took a break from college with one quarter left- I couldn’t take it anymore 💛 I’ll go back when I’m ready
Ugh i relate to all of this life is so exhausting and i just want to exist like
I'm 47, and have similar problems/experiences. If I can give you any advice it is to continue to pursue your goals but to do so on your terms. I do not mean, to make analogy, if you have a cake making business, and someone asks for a gluten free carrot cake in the shape of a rabbit you make gluten-containing keto zucchini bread in the shape of a carrot. I mean make the best carrot cake in the shape of a rabbit you can the way you feel is best and you are happy with and if they tell you how long the ears should be down to the millimeter before and after frosting or how much sugar to use and you know that is wrong or dumb or just impossible for you or understand or accomplish, ignore them. I cannot tell you how many times I've tried to do things their way and ender up with a "C" or with them telling me it is inadequate or barely adequate, or just turning it in late, or them promoting the guy next to me who is relatively incompetent but more assertive. Its better to do it your way and be not perfect or wrong then to endlessly try t conform. If that means doors are forever closed for you, fine but let them close those doors. Don't close them because you are too afraid to do thing your way just to appease overly-controlling people or systems. Because that is truly a lose-lose proposition.
I can super relate to all of this. I recently went through something similar with a career I just spent 5 years working towards only to realize I never actually wanted that but thanks to my autism and alexythymia everyone I talked to misunderstood what I wanted, including myself. LOL woopsie. Also I relate to the things you said about making DID content, and often feel like a lot of the times I try to record stuff because I think it might help someone else, even if it feels authentic in the moment a lot of the time I start--it just feels icky or fake or like I'm not actually into it any more. I run into a similar thing when I'm doing flowarts or dance. Sometimes for me I just try to "do it blind" just like make the messiest most unperfect thing and treat it like me saying something to a friend. I often do this by either just voice recording or using an ai audio transcriber app, cause like sometimes for me looking into a camera becomes a head fuck and adds to gender dysphoria. also oh my god my dog always fucking does that when I'm recording/talking and I swear sometimes she's picking up on anxiety or excitemnet in my tone and I also swear she can tell when I switch before I do and will be annoying ass hat whenever I'm certain female alters hahaha anyway, I feel like I had more coherent thoughts but knew that if I didn't say something I'd never remember to come back
take care
I relate so hard to what you said about the radiohead posters in your room. I think that way all the time. I thought it was just normal, honestly. It felt really good to hear someone else voice those thoughts.
Also: i really relate to how i used to not care about the hate, but recently as ive been healing things get to me more in general 😂
Thank you for the video! Dont have enough resources to properly comment but we're here and will support you in any choose you all guys make! Life is hard and so expensive TT Also you're super attractive and amazing!!
It helps, we feel the same way. Thank you so much for this, it means a lot to us
Only thing tho, I haven’t finished yet but one thing, please don’t let the whole school thing be something that like kinda eats away at you, like please don’t let a stupid piece of paper be the defining thing, because I promise you that pretty little piece of paper they have is a bunch of crap especially when most of the time they have no idea what the heck they are even talking about. Fr giving me meds and then oh no you don’t have to taper them because they don’t make you have withdrawals.. like what? I don’t know what the heck that dumb dude was on because omg like again what !? WHAT THE HECK DOES HE EVEN MEAN BY THAT LIKE HOW COULD THAT EVEN BE POSSIBLE LIKE WHAT ?! But anyway yea I mean I have also always wanted that, and even more as I’ve got older, which I think is part because I think how I’ve been thru therapy and stuff yet wasn’t ever able to figure anything out, wasn’t able to even really do much to help myself but hey maybe it won’t be such a waste of other people and their time or even a waste of me like if I can use any of that to help anyone else, even one person then I think that will be worth it because they are worth it (and again please do not let some stupid piece of paper, or the owner of that said paper, let you think otherwise)
Thank u for posting rhis and thank u for all these videos, I feel lots of times like I see the world and feel tging, like u ❤ I just found out I have DID, also adhd and autism! And my alters are different gender or non binary!
I feel like sone people have something like PDA except where they ask you something like, for example where, to order food from, and they give you three options (having excluded all the other options because they don’t like them). So, not knowing your preferences very well of not feeling very strongly about it, you ask them what they want to do,. So then they say they are indifferent. But as soon be as you pick your preference, they develop a strong aversion to your choice and then they ask you again, and you pick one or the remaining options, and then they develop a strong preference for the other option and a strong dislike for for both your first and second choices.
I was just thinking I wanna run away to nature qnd do art and rest the f out! I think its posiible but its hard now
I like how u free talk
I remember you mentioning that youtube might be a nice job to have or something of that kind. maybe that's also contributing to this somehow.
But people come for the content but stay for the person.
so making proper well researched videos can be paused if its unpleasant for you to make them. and make somethis less taxing that bring you joy. its not gonna stop the core audience from watching the vids
I personally don't mind whatever type of video you upload. of if you don't upload for a while to take a break.
1) People on the internet can be vicious and terrible. I wish there was a good easy recommendation for dealing with that. Just wanted to say that it's not wrong that they're getting you down.
2) I don't know if you ever watched any Bojack Horseman, but even if you haven't, try to track down season 6 episode 10, "Good Damage." Don't worry about following the B-plot, it won't make much sense without the backstory, but the A-plot stands alone pretty well -- it's about one of the main characters struggling to turn all her traumas and mental-health struggles into a book, and some of the things you said here about struggling with this channel makes me think it would be really cathartic to watch right now.
definitely maybe primarily focusing/committing to one thing at a time is a good path forward
I wondered when this was going to come. I love your videos, most of all becuase i like how honest and articulate you are. You are in transition L - Take time to find out who you are. I just changed my name legally - now, mind you - i switched my name, so you understand I finally allowed one of my strongest selves to come up front. I am a differnt person - a year in i'm still trying to find music that i like now. I'm 63 years in a body, 20 years in my head, and i wish life was free too - I worked my ass off doing shit i hated because i gave up my dreams for others and their approval. Now i finally feel like i'm the person i was meant to be - but i didn't get a life. The social media world is so poisonous. Look after yourself. Anything you decide to do and IF you want to come back it will be very cool. Or, just have a fucking fabulous life! Seriously. By the way , i think you have no idea how brave you are - holy crap ! Okay - now put on some music and jump up and down and yell or sing -- keep doing that.. Maybe go have some fun and then do a video about the fun.
you’re so awesome, i just went to a garage show for the first time last night with all of these alternative people. i’ve been jumping up and down and singing. i value your insight, thank you. - L
A good stim session can be really useful. It's one of the most freeing things in the world for me.@@magesystem
@@magesystem Cheers! - I was thinking of you today when i was in a store down town (and i haven't been out of the house for anything other than doctors) for FOUR fKing years. So, found out the opthomologist fuckmy prescription for the 4th time. Ya., no glasses, no art, no reading. I've been having regular meltdowns yelling i want my life back - OR the life i wish to have more to the point. And today that was really more on point, I was thinking about all you said and knew i had felt the same so many times and had not listened enough, or put 'ourselves' first when it was the time to do it. I also admire all you are doing schooling and work at the same time - processing during all that. AND that's the time to really hang on to carving your space; This is in backward order of thoughts - - - I was in this store; and there was a basket of rocks - and i had such personal delight in picking out this $2. rock that said 'adopt me' please - - -Jumping up and down and singing, have a Rave with BreadCrumbs - it's little things that are the really big things for our spirit. 🐈⬛😻 Alys and Moonbow and our Frida cat. Ah! making music and picking berries - I'm in
Don’t worry, if you continue TH-cam I’ll still be here watching anything except for games and vehicles (unless they’re crashes)
Take care! I like your content, but if you need a break it's really needed. We hope you get better!
I love your videos I hope u can make more when you feel ok to make them
I’m glad you want to potentially go back later, life isn’t leniar
Take it easy, take time for yourself, and DID isn't required to be a daily topic, cause it can f you up.
It's much easier to be yourself, truth is: you can't change the world, only yourself and your collective/system.
Nothing in this life comes easy.
autistic shut downs are used for something else. they are described as inward meltdowns, to put it simply. I think the word you are looking for is autistic burnout. it's like burnout but happens for autistic reasons, like masking too much or working.
1:18 i didnt know that was adhd...
And my family is passive aggresive=harder.
16:16 i have anixity about talking to people=i think its not talking to people for 9 years except for animals,
and my family useing talking to hert me alot=
i think the 2nd 1 is why im scared of talking to any1.
Sounds like you're just completely burnt out, hun. Time for some, or more, time for yourself. You don't have to quit everything, but sounds like you do need a break. I hope you find something that works for you. You may have to put a few things on hold. Get your degree, scale back from something else. Good luck!
We understand indeed
Take time and rest please/lh/sug
1:01 i get ptsd shutdowns/meltdowns.
I know exactly what you mean
hey, i am broke but if i was earning i would have done something. stay alive dude.
I really enjoyed this video. I found it relatable because I go through phases where I'm unable to get myself to do something that I previously said I was going to do. And sometimes the reason is just because it feels like a chore but in the case of trying to convert the public. Oh I really feel like you're going to hate this but I'm going to say it anyway. I think you really have to look at how this disorder forms in the first place. Then you have to consider that Stanley Milgram proved that 60% plus of people shock another person to death at the behest of an unknown authority figure they met a few minutes ago. The number jumps to 90% when they add peer pressure. Tipping point of society study was done and confirmed the exact same thing. I read a book called the army of enablers and in that book it points out that it's really not those sickos who abused us who are the most at fault. These people were completely deranged a rational person would not have stood by and let them do what they did a person who knew better should have locked them up and made sure they never saw a child again for the rest of their life but this book points out that it is the mob under the effects of the bystander effect that just allows this person to do whatever and that this is actually where the guilt lies. I tend to agree looking at the effects of these various studies and say that Hitler did is he identified the 10% that would prevent him. Then he replaced them with propaganda. So that he could get the people to do whatever he wanted. Then you have to realize that the bystander effect is what has been going on with all of the problems in society. It may be very legitimate that these same masses of bystanders in many ways gave us ptsd. We found we couldn't make personalities or interjects out of them because none of them were heroes they stood there on the sidelines. And you may feel that you don't want to preach to them anymore. Or to help them in any way because there's no point. Even if you got them to do the best things in the whole world and understand every concept that you explained if a better leader came along they would go with that one instead. Honestly, this is what the puppet studies have shown. They tested little babies and had them watch puppet shows where puppets acted both good and bad with behaviors like bullying and sharing. The babies amazingly discriminate between the puppets that were acting well in the puppets that were acting poorly. By giving them social shunning and looking away. However later in the study they introduced that the bully in the bad puppets liked the same kind of crackers as the babies and the babies all capitulated to allowing the behavior. This goes on as adults as well. Humans are pleasure seekers and the pleasure of being in a group over ways the pleasure of doing what's right. That is how we got this way in the first place and so the more you teach them to follow you the better you've trained them for the next guy who gets them to do worse. And so deep down I think if we were to sit down and talk to ourselves about this we would realize that the only people you're really talking to are the neuro divergence. And arguably even though people will say I'm being an a****** when I say this I'm not trying to say it they say that mental illness is when your parts don't agree with each other. They won't all stay on board with the same plan. If this plan went from being a tribal society where people were basically protected around one another and people who were harmful and predatory towards children had to live on the outskirts of of the tribe being blackballed but that same guy realized that if he started molesting the little girls when they were young and stealing from the tribe that the tribal members would be just as happy to go along with him. This could be because just as cows have a piece of magnetic in their nose so that if they stampede they don't kill each other humans are set up so that 90% of them follow the leader in a crisis situation. And since the whole world is traumatized they think they're in a crisis situation all the time. But then it kind of really goes back to the crackers and isn't that how religion gets people to overlook morality too did you have the same kind of Catholic wafer or was it a matzo cracker well now your morality is okay because we're in the same group and we don't report on each other here. So there is a certain amount of disgust that has to go on and when you understand that it is the people who are disagreeing and their parts are not 100% on board are really the people who are not 100% on board with the world system that takes advantage of people to continue a patriarchy they have to kill a certain amount of people or neutralize them due to child abuse to continue its program because its agenda is not healthy for humans. Tribal people have almost no suicide and they work 1/3 of the time nobody would go along with this b******* clearly unless they were forced to
But it could also be that their pleasure seekers and that being part of a group is a bigger pleasure than doing what someone else would consider right. Or even the horrible possibility that before people went into the Stanley Milgram study they were barely being restrained from killing and torturing others and that when a new authority figure said go ahead and do it the little tiny string holding them back was broken