Exactly! And this should be your way discern between people you want in your life. This was an A-HA moment for me. Not accepting people who do what I won't
@@D7nielle I’m obviously not an expert. But if I can encourage you to try your absolute best to pre-plan your reaction I think it may help. My “aha moment” was when I truly understand and believed it was not about me. The comments, replies, and rhetoric aimed at me was not about me, it was about them. If you ever want to see a narcissist seem lost, bewildered, and confused…don’t accept their insults and comments. If I called you a piece of sh!t a$$hole and you responded with… “Who me?? Ok…anything else you got before I go mow the grass”. Or be very sarcastic and agree with it all. “Ya you’re right…I might be the biggest POS a-hole on the planet. Maybe I should see a therapist”. Then walk away… I’m not saying it’s easy, but I have regained a lost piece of myself using this method. Good luck.
Coverts are by far the most difficult to deal with and recognize because of their passive aggressiveness. As you said, from the outside the comments and actions seem harmless, but the seething underlying anger is real, destructive and cruel.
This exactly. Insults that no one else would recognize. Passive aggressive anger done in a friendly tone with a smile on their face. Implying that you're stupid, or bad in some way, but making that implication in a way that no one else will see it, and it's done in order to control you and your decisions. Ive never heard anyone else describe this.
Wow this is so true. He says things that are so mean and then covers it up with I am just teasing. But the look in the eyes and the tone in the voice you know they mean it
Yea I have straight up horrific memories of some of the cruelest shit I've ever heard anyone say to anybody, but then she covers it by saying she was joking😂 like what after looking at me with murder in your eye and saying that awful shit? I'll always come back at her with "what about that is supposed to be funny??" I jus had two months no contact, got hovered back in. Trying again in a week, wish me luck yall! I am certain I'm really done this time and it will stick 🎉
Same with my ex. I constantly told him I didn’t appreciate his tone. He always said he didn’t say anything wrong and he was sorry I was so sensitive and took it the wrong way.
@@victoriabenton8378 They aren't right in the head. We have to just detach and leave them to their insanity, otherwise, you'll take on their bad karma trying to fix them and they will just drag you further into their swamp.
100%!!! My narc would start talking about things in MY FIELD and reference "smart people"--he would literally say that--not reference even an actual person, just to be able to make the contrast that I was not one of the 'smart people'. When someone who says they love you does these subtle jabs it's so confusing and hurtful. Being out of it, I realize what an insecure, evil, fragile baby he is--so sad that people like that have to tear others down to feel 'big'
Omg it's little shit like this forreal, or how about when they talk shit about "someone" who's struggling with similar/the same issues you are. But really jus as a method to be able to try to invoke shame in us... What the hell is wrong with these people? It's awful shit honestly
@digitalversatilediscjockey3465 This comment right here. Spot on. You know, it's very hard to pin down, because it's always done with plausible deniability. They really aiming the jab at you, but using someone else as the focus so you can't pin them down. It's hard to explain this to others. You know the comment about the similar issues is meant at you because your gut instinct immediately reacts and picks it up. If it were a healthy, normal person saying that, you wouldn't even care, because your gut isn't sensing a predator. When they bring up other people's issues that you are also going through, the point IS to throw a jab your way and escape accountability. Also, as the comment is thrown, their energy is so evil, it's always said with venom.
The worst part is their comment takes up your energy for hours on end later after it happens. It takes up your mind space. Until you tell yourself to ignore it, its a crap opinion that doesn't belong to you.
I'm actually STUCK. I CAN'T move. My husband gives his digs at me all the time. Then has the NERVE to say 'I didn't mean for you to take it that way', or 'I'm sorry you feel that way'. YES, he DID mean for me to take it that way!! His digs are very subtle. Now I call him out and that's not working. HE JUST DOESN'T CARE!!!!!! If it's not about HIM, he doesn't care!!!!!
Hold your head up angel because I'm going through the SAME crap now and I feel like I'm stuck in quicksand with this jerk who I guess thinks he's better than me because he's younger. People like our husbands treat us badly because it's a reflection of who they are ..not us. Please remember that. Every time my "husband" gaslights me by sayng something little to me like he settled for me even though he could have done better ...because I have more limitations like OCD....and then I react and supersede his quiet unkind comments with more of a reaction. I feel guilty and go back for more abuse because I feel like I owe him something for reacting to him in a way that is out of my character. This is disgusting and it's not right. You know you're a better person when you are by yourself and I know I'm a better person when I'm by myself and that's all that matters. Grateful that I got to read your comment and grateful for this video upload. Getting off TH-cam for now. Good night Oh, and mine uses Jesus and the Bible to criticize. SMH.
Nadine, those are non-apologies. He is supposed to follow up an apology with corrective behaviour and no repetition of what offended you. On the other hand, he is blaming you for feeling offended. He knows you can't get away. It looks like he doesn't care. But he needs the supply he gets from you.he knows he can control your emotions. He enjoys this power over you. Try Grey Rock technique. Don't tell him anything you are learning about narcissism. Just go quiet on him. Live your own life.
My aunt does this! Example: I was in another room but could obviously hear her and she knew I could..her husband says “should I take out the trash?”… and she’s goes “speaking of trash”…and I know she’s talking about me because I’m not dumb..my parents are so naive, both my mom and aunt are narcs but my aunt is more malignant
Thank you! This clarified and put into words I could not think of myself what I went through for 25 years with my husband. I couldn’t explain his type of abuse because I couldn’t give any definite instances or examples. People tend not to believe you if you can’t provide concrete evidence for them.
Recovering from cancer surgery at home and recently my narc wife blurted out after we watched a movie , that I was like a potted plant , that she is tired of living in a nursing home . This kind of abuse has been going on for years . The night before she told me she loved me and wanted to make me soup . Crazy making behavior , intermittent reinforcement , bread crumbing .She historically, pathologically pulls me in only to abuse me more and more .11 years of attempting to corrosively control me through abuse . Done now ,filing for divorce April 1 and going no contact .
@@cassiebennet4262 Sadly , Indeed I did . After 11 years of enduring abuse , blame shifting , projection ,false promises of change , hoovering and future faking .These patterns of abuse towards family members are deeply harmful and deeply painful for loved ones having to navigate through this maze of toxic behavior . I have ended the recurring cycle of abuse that was constantly created and manufactured out of thin air , by enforcing a final boundary .Although deeply painful , the only logical way forward is to learning all you can about these disorders , maintaining a commitment to self respect , self care and ending all contact .
Just sitting here crying. I’m not claiming to be a victim. I’ve been in this relationship for 18 years. He uses my coping techniques against me at a later time as his own technique. I constantly have to figure out new ways to cope. It’s always at my most vulnerable times that Im put to the hardest tests. I feel like I’m at a breaking point. It’s so confusing because I feel we love each other and are deeply co dependent on each other. Im scared of my broken heart. I feel like it’s broken all the time. Going through a hard time right now with a death in my family. Just trying to stay alive. Feeling guilty because I have everything anyone could want. Sorry for the word vomit. Thank you for all the info.
So sorry about the death in your family. Sometimes that can really amplify other things, too. Hang in there. Sounds like you're recognizing patterns, that's the first step. Wish you the best.
@@Treebard Thank you I appreciate your thoughts. As of today I’ve come full circle from that day… Thank you for the platform and the opportunity to release the toxins…. It helps a ton.💝
Unfortunately I am now silent a lot because I don’t want to trigger any sarcastic comments or underhanded digs. From the outside I look like the bad guy because I am the silent one. 😢
Going into 8months no contact... I still wonder why a mother would willingy find ways to insult their children. It baffles my mind. I'm still healing but am far away. No matter what kind of narc you lived with, staying AWAY is best!
I’m actually getting emotional because you get it. Thank you so much for seeing it and explaining it. Because most of the time I feel like I am going insane. 😢
I feel incredibly seen by this! Although it’s my TEN year older brother who constantly picks apart my appearance, my job, & implies the worst nearly every time I see him. Not a partner, so I hope your app helps with all Narc relationships!
A very helpful video indeed. I’ve had too much experience with narcissists and just had another with a very covert narcissist, who managed to wiggle into my life taking subtle cheap shots that I let pass. He kept upping the condescending shots and finally really exposed himself wth very aggressive shots and manipulating tactics. I felt so stupid for once again being taken in by a narcissist. He was the most covert one I’ve met.
they behave like a child 🙄 they throw temper tantrums in the most subtle ways. Mine would know I wanted something and to get my attention he would go get that something in front of me. When I would confront him or question him about it like "why would u go without me? that's mean." He would always respond like a smart a** and say "how is that mean? I wanted to get something too." They will always prioritize themselves and they think everyone else is below them. They will never want to see you happy because they are unhappy with themselves.
I enjoy noticing their comments and jokingly confront them loll they usually laugh rly hard like ahh you got me but deny it)) they seem to enjoy and hate me being able to see through them lolol
Oh my goodness I finally left her after 26 years in March 2022. Even then I had no idea she was a narcissist. I was so broken I just knew I needed out. I told her frustrated so many times that it wasn’t what she said but rather the delivery. She got my daughters turned against me now. I haven’t seen them in like four months. She moved a man in the house right away and they are super toxic together. I was so blind for so many years trying to fake it to make it. She is a disgusting human. I’ve gone no contact and it’s amazing. The day my divorce was final was the best day of my life. It was euphoric and an unexpected feeling. Our society and court system is failing victims of this abuse. It’s disgusting because people are gaslit to a point where they feel hopeless. I am still learning that I am and always was a good guy but struggled feeling like a bad guy. It’s my life now and I’m going to freaking enjoy it like I’ve always deserved. Hope all of you can heal also. I also finally quit questioning if I was the narc. I now know I was not.
I was constantly hearing remarks about how beautiful/smart/funny my much-younger half-sister was. One day, after someone mentioned to my mother what a pretty daughter (me) she had, she said “Oh, you should see my 16-year-old.”. She thought nothing of it, and I said nothing. To do so would have brought about a jealousy accusation.
I enjoyed this so much it's all dead ringer on. How bout the eye rolling as they turn to the side too. My narc mom is passed now but my family is full of this. It's god awful.
I remember when she cranked it up to 100, in the final few weeks. It felt like my firewall was being attacked and I couldn't function. I started having horrible nightmares, my body was doing weird things, my mom was scared for my life and I could not feel a single touch of happiness, until my body made me numb in order to protect me from the immense stress levels that translated into physical pain. On and off. On and off. I couldn't control when it happened. And I couldn't stop engaging with her even though all my friends told me to give it time and space.
Death of a marriage by a million subtle insults. IDK why but this is the first vid I've across talking about this. As someone who has put up with a lot of this sh*t, I now realize what is going on. For me, I don't take the plate of crap to easily and will snap back. All that has done is make this "relationship" a living nightmare. Anyway, (I'm working on the exit) I'm so happy Ben has brought this up and shined a light on it. He's right, people around you won't get it, but the receiver of it knows the intent of a seemingly innocent comment.
But why do they do that? I mean out of nowhere? Mine told me " Don't you have to learn for your important exams?" but the tone was "Fuck off, I don't want to talk to you now" in front of his friends. Funny thing is, I knew instantly (gut feeling) but in the end of course I was the crazy one. I mean, why do they do that? Why can't they just say "I don't have time right now talk to you later"?
My husband will say something like your hair is fuzzy today. Or your nose is red. Something to put me down but you can tell its just to uspet me or get a reaction. Then when he gets a reaction hes so calm about it and says he didn't mean anything by it. I pick up on stuff all the time and of course it makes you feel even more crazy.
I love your videos, Ben! So helpful! I know when we don’t have the tools and have very little confidence we lose ourselves easily. First I was crushed when I stared to notice the subtle sh*tty comments. But I’m learning, and your videos are gold! 🙏 Last night he yelled at me so I chose to eat my dinner alone and retrieve in the bedroom (he’s been sleeping on the couch). In the morning he said ‘sorry’ but by then I had a few good lines to fire back by making it about myself and not do any smear campaign. His sh*t bounced off me. He went to work and called in panic that he’s rattled and we need to talk about it tonight and have a plan in place so he can think about it at work before he gets home. Normally I would’ve caved in bc I’m empathic. BUT I told him that I said what I wanted to and I’m good. It’s on him to unfold whatever is needed. He couldn’t control me and it was a huge win for me. He couldn’t find a grip on me and he needed to sit with the emotions and being out of control.
My ex would always talk to me like I was stupid..like I would say something and he would say”you don’t even know what that means” and would then go into talking down to me like im a child
I have had that. Actually saying things like "language doesn't do the things you think it does" How have we survived then as a civilization if words don't matter?
That tone, and the smirk often accompanying it... I got to where I had no doubt about what was meant by that damned smirk. Still feel like a fool when in reality i simply expected someone who claimed to love me to treat me as i would them. Out of it now but suspicious of everything and everyone and every word I hear. Im healing but not in a positive way. Hard, mean, with a hair trigger and mouth the size of Montana being so unwilling to take abuse ever again.
Yes, the narcissist at work had said so many things about me that they imply means I'm a bad person it is proof itself that she is abusing me because no-one else would think these things to be a fault. The other thing is that other people have done or haven't done these exact things she speaks of (have done = shrug at her question, haven't done = don't give her sympathy for being ill, for example) but she doesn't have a problem with them. Though I've quit my job now, so other people will probably be subject to her abuse now, hopefully she will turn on the woman who was also previously abused by the narc but then defended the narc when I raised a grievance.
Can a person be a combination overt/covert? H swings from direct in your face to death by a thousand paper cuts behavior. The in your face-literally screaming- behavior is when angry, and the other is standard day to day passive aggressive behavior. No sympathy or empathy unless he gets to be the fixer or rescuer and, when ‘fixed’, the emotional connection ends as quickly as it began. It’s crazy. Just curious.
Yes absolutely they can be covert and overt. When they sly covert abuse isn't working they become very overt. They have a rage. And make treats to destroy your life.
Mine had to be, he was mainly covert however he isn't social awkward. He was actually very outgoing, social, loud, life of the party, charismatic type, but at home with me is was passive agressive comments, silent treatments, things that he could plausible deny as doing when I confronted him. It was always said it a manner to look or seem as innocent as possible
Person 1: What's wrong? Person 2: I'm just a bit tired Person 1 (condescendingly): From what? Just a little exchange, but Person 2 is made to justify their tiredness towards Person 1 now. A few conversations like these throughout the day everyday is a death by thousand cuts.
These videos are really great and I want to ask you if you can also add some of the ways to respond to this type of behavior in your upcoming videos. All videos online describe the behavior, but almost none describe how to respond. Most advise grey rock or no contact, but when you are dealing with neighbours or colleges that is not always possible. Its also not always healthy to stay silent when someone is being disrespectful.
@@SadieHartMusic Thanks, but if you for example have this narcissistic auntie that makes rude comments to you at family gatherings then you still need to learn how to deal with that in an emotionally mature way. I would love to hear his tips.
@@zion367 I get that, but I feel you're missing the point. If the person you're dealing with is truly narcissistic, they truly do not care. There is no skillful way to communicate with a narcissist. They can and will weaponize everything you say and do. This is why we're all screaming NC, low contact, and gray rock from the rafters. There is no other way. If you want to learn how to communicate well with people who do not have a personality disorder, there are amazing courses on conscious / non-violent communication. I'm studying a communication framework now that is life changing. But what really changed my life was going NC with all narcissistic individuals.
This is what I went through, it was always acting like their wasn't anything wrong with them when you asked. I would be so anxious all the time wondering what I did to upset him but he would always say nothing was wrong. Yet his behavior was obviously different or like being given the silent treatment, then he would lash out at me because I keep trying to ask what was the matter when nothing was the matter and I was the issue. It would be so strange because his mask was very animated and high energy etc. But then suddenly he would walk around and not say hi, or you talk to him and he wouldn't respond as if he didn't hear you but you are right next to him just so many things
@@lauracarpenter927 Right? That’s at the core of EVERY narcissist. That’s EXACTLY why they do it. Envy and jealousy of authentic people like us. In addition to him, you should also look at “The game exposed” podcast
Mine cut down a tree I planted because she didn't like it. Yesterday I brought it up in front of my sister and her partner. My lady totally denied cutting the tree down. I had to walk away at that point. She has the nerve to say that she doesn't lie, yall I'm confused, frustrated and hurt. I confront her about it later that night and was told "I m not going to continue this conversation ". I'm at a lost.
Justin someone that is healthy & loves you would not behave that way. She sounds like a master gaslighter. It will never get better only worse. The only way to be happy is to get OUT of this relationship. Much love & peace to you ❤
I love how my ex snd I would have a conversation and then when she would somewhat repeat what I had said, she would totally change how I said what I said. I spent more time saying “that’s bot what I said or how I said it, you’ve changed my meaning”
Yes, all you say is absolutely true!!! My children never insult me in front of anyone and if I were to tell anyone what they do those hearing might think I am crazy for thinking I was insulted. Every time our daughter comes to visit she criticizes how I eat. When I haven't responded with groveling to explain myself she gets more covert. She will ask me why I use certain kinds of things to attempt to draw me into an argument. What I do now is simply say; "I like it." This ends the attacks because I don't give her a reason to argue with me. She uses questions about what I do to make me feel like I am stupid for doing it but never when anyone else is in the room. I avoid her as much as possible. This daughter brags continually about her family as though they are perfect, everything seems fake and even embellished so that they all seem perfect. I get an icky sense that she is always lying to look superior. My gut feeling when I see her coming is to flee!!!! Lastly, I am much happier alone than with these rude people.
As usual loved it. Presentation very well presented on complexities that exist to decipher. 👏 these types are a Trip! Not strong. We are stronger. The ending? A lot of required work. The self rebuilding is a rebirth from out of a dark space with Narc. There's got to be a calm after the storm 🌈 🙏🙏
I was just talking to someone the other day about how he would do this to me. He would make it in a joking way in front of people and everyone would be laughing, but I finally realized he was doing this to me. I just can't believe it took me so long to see, hear, and realize that he was doing that to me. When I realized it, I would catch it all the time. It's embarrassing when I look back on it now.
Don't feel embarrassed. The very reason they get away with such behavior is the subtlety with which they deliver their concealed digs. You were unaware. I am just happy that there are people around now helping us to become aware of what was being done to us. Even I sometimes get angry when I think of how many times I let them get away with their verbal wickedness. But it's okay. We didn't know, so we should cut ourselves some slack. Now it's time to work on repairing the damage done... I hope you're further along than I am. I'm only now becoming aware of the extent of it...😔
He would say things like, 'i wouldn't be with you if you didn't have a job', 'red nails means you have to really look put together/beautiful if you are going to wear them',
you hit the nail on the head..this hurts so bad I am in the situation now where I’m trying to explain this to some people where my complaint was seem so petty, but it hurts so badly. This is spot on.
Here are a few comments from two days ago with someone posing as a friend. "I wish I had known you before your ex screwed you up." Me: "I don't need someone else to validate me." "People think you are crazy by some of the things you say." Me: "Luckily for me, I don't care what others think. I've done my homework." "Be careful what you choose to believe, from all the things you read and study." Me: "It's called discernment." Finally I said "Those are your opinions and I disagree." He threw another less covert insult. I just laughed because the gaslighting was all too obvious by then. These clowns will attempt to subtly break you down because they are insecure inside and misery loves company. Learn to identify these people and walk away asap.
Thanks for the perspective. The insults got bigger. Facade management. Knew he would be angry to have to deal with the kids for a little while. She took a short period of time for herself. He's dog whistling. Don't be so sensitive. Don't be so selfish. So it I would have read him the riot act.
I become really good at what I'm around. Over the years I have been through some. Long story short I have become really good at them though I usually just stay quiet and let them insult themselves back for me. I've seen people really lose their stuff and even freedom for not reacting like stats imply. I love when they say I'm wasting time when I'm not the one getting paid to say that. Anyway that was the old days. I have more to think about than complain about nowadays thank God.
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I've just got so angry its actually hatd not to be that way even though im trying not to. Ive found myself thinking i dont want to be like her, my mum but shes done so much harm to me, my marriage and my family. I couldnt do that to anyone and I've had to work wxtra hard to put my family together despite her lies. The feeling that I'm a fraud had been very hard to shake, not to mention everything else done. Novody deserves their bs, nobody.
My covert narc gave me a hidden insult he said inever seen you dancing is it cause your not good at dancing then he said they say if people are good dancers means there good in the bedroom with sex and im a very good dancer I couldnt believe what I was hearing he tried to make a joke of it but I knew what he was getting at .but I responded with be like the old saying of shoe size compared to there manhood well you should be wearing size 3 shoes instead of size 10 that shut him up .
I dated a guy who hated white people (I am white) After a while, I realized his rude comments about white people were actually meant to be directed to me. 😅
Omg i thought it was me ! Mine hates Black women and i am Half Italian and hlaf Black... like Gee, what do you want me to do about the Black side of me !!!!!!@LaurenGiovina
Often its the dismissive words that they use to identify/describe what you have or do, implies a lesser value. In my experience, it comes when you are just doing your own thing, and not giving them attention
When my son told me my knowledge is old because I'm 53 the penny finally dropped that him and his mother the coverts need to be left alone now he is a grown man of 21 Now I can spend time on myself and stop calling people who don't even want to talk to me or taking them out to meals and they even eat my food and dessert like it's normal as if what i do is NEVER enough It is now Thanks demons ❤
It’s definitely the tone. I would say something but then get be told that it was all in my head. He didn’t know what I was talking about. He was fine. He spent his time elsewhere. I didn’t feel like we mattered to him. I knew we didn’t. There would be times that I would take the kids and put them in the car, drive down the road, realize I had forgotten something, come back and he was already gone. He had said he was going to stay there and rest. I’d call him up and I’d get chewed out over it. It was my fault.
My ex- narc called me "wingnut".....my name is Valerie.....in 14 years of marriage, he never used my name.....and the "Silent Treatment" lasted for two weeks at a time.....I never ever cried, or show emotion, I had two wonderful sons to raise......I DIVORCED his ass.....
They say something demeaning to you , we you call them on it, they say “ my friends don’t see my humor as a problem” Narcs are so emotionally immature, it’s laughable
Mine couldn't get away with that one. What friends? When we met it seemed he had loads of em. Where were they? He had one and that was his flying monkey/dope hook. So that one was never used on me. They don't seem to have many friends, but nor do I and since I went no contact and started picking myself up from the oozing puddle I was I seem to be down to perhaps 2. That seems to happen, you will lose people either during or after the relationship. Yes, he was like a 15 yr old boy. What a waste of love, energy, health, time, and in the end he doesn't even have anything to show for it.
back befor i cut contact with my narc neighbor she would shut down on me in Conversation by saying enough of that listen to this you cant get no more rude and narcissitic that than no normal person make such a comment they do this becuase they got no interest in what someone got to say only you placing your attention upon them interest them becuase it gives them supply
My boyfriend will make some snide sarcastic comment and then say he's just joking. And I'm like, no you're not joking you really think that or you wouldn't say it. It's maddening.
He asked if I wanted to look at a bike(not a motorcycle) it was a 1862 schwinn I bought it for $60 I left it at his place to we could ride together at the city park on the water, then he bought a 1964 sears So the next time we rode, he the schwinn was gone, and then he told me the sears was the bike I bought,(gaslighted) That’s when I went NC
My ex would have taken the kids somewhere else and acted to the kids like I ditched them in selfishness. If I'd have defended myself that I had notified him of my innocent plan like she did, he'd have said he got no text and he wouldn't have let me know where they went. I'd have been left there waiting for them and be wondering for hours where they'd gone while he'd be doing some fun out of character thing with them. My whole day would be a maze while the kids would be so happy to enjoy their dad's rare good mood that they only see when mom's not there cuz she screwed up the family plans. So years later after the wreckage of divorce, my kids hate me, won't talk to me, In a new relationship in a tearful trigger my new husband to be was comforting me, he told me something I really needed to hear … ＂What happened with the way your kids feel about you now happened long before you ever left him. He influenced their thinking long before they started showing it to you. ＂ As profoundly as that hurt to hear, a flood of memories came back of just what you said , those subtle digs and covert snipes that I thought were only understood between him and me had rooted in them. They weren't small anymore and started understanding the context, and sadly believed him, his framing me. I wanted to leave when they were small but he had the backing of his ＂organized Family＂ so I waited until they could legally choose who they wanted to live with (for many important reasons) as he carefully tried to end my life for a life insurance policy a few times but I kept surviving and being released from th ER… they chose to live with him. They displaced their anger for the divorce on me as he dipped their brains daily like he always had in ＂mom's a failure don't End Up like her＂ fear sauce. It hurts beyond expression but I'm not mad with them, it was him breaking up the family long ago before I ever knew.
He likes to throw in hidden insults , he told other friends of ours that I was almost too heavy for his taste , so I lost 45 lbs . Now that I'm much thinner , he will throw in comments that i should start doing squats , then , when I tell him that comment hurt my feelings bc I am sensitive about my past weight he will tell me , " your to sensitive , I was only joking ."
I found myself multiple times a day saying to myself…….”I would NEVER say that to ANYONE”.
Exactly!
And this should be your way discern between people you want in your life. This was an A-HA moment for me. Not accepting people who do what I won't
Amen! Coz, we are Not Rude!
Same. I can’t relax because I know something will be said which hurts.
@@D7nielle I’m obviously not an expert. But if I can encourage you to try your absolute best to pre-plan your reaction I think it may help. My “aha moment” was when I truly understand and believed it was not about me. The comments, replies, and rhetoric aimed at me was not about me, it was about them. If you ever want to see a narcissist seem lost, bewildered, and confused…don’t accept their insults and comments.
If I called you a piece of sh!t a$$hole and you responded with…
“Who me?? Ok…anything else you got before I go mow the grass”.
Or be very sarcastic and agree with it all.
“Ya you’re right…I might be the biggest POS a-hole on the planet. Maybe I should see a therapist”. Then walk away…
I’m not saying it’s easy, but I have regained a lost piece of myself using this method. Good luck.
YES, me too
They love to roast but hate it being done to them.
Coverts are by far the most difficult to deal with and recognize because of their passive aggressiveness. As you said, from the outside the comments and actions seem harmless, but the seething underlying anger is real, destructive and cruel.
I agree ☝️
This exactly. Insults that no one else would recognize. Passive aggressive anger done in a friendly tone with a smile on their face. Implying that you're stupid, or bad in some way, but making that implication in a way that no one else will see it, and it's done in order to control you and your decisions. Ive never heard anyone else describe this.
Me neither. I was really glad to see this video. Good for him and it's sure appreciated!
The people who go along with them I find eventually are part of the same evil club secretly
Narcissists are jealous of us because we don’t need other people to give us validation…we can did it ourselves!
Yep and their job is to steal it from us.
Wow this is so true. He says things that are so mean and then covers it up with I am just teasing. But the look in the eyes and the tone in the voice you know they mean it
Omg yes! The "Im just kidding honey" cover up
Yea I have straight up horrific memories of some of the cruelest shit I've ever heard anyone say to anybody, but then she covers it by saying she was joking😂 like what after looking at me with murder in your eye and saying that awful shit? I'll always come back at her with "what about that is supposed to be funny??"
I jus had two months no contact, got hovered back in. Trying again in a week, wish me luck yall! I am certain I'm really done this time and it will stick 🎉
Yes - it’s the tone & energy of the words spoken. In hindsight their words were filled with contempt.
Yes!!! The TONE! I called them out a million times on the tone. The response was always “I’ve done nothing wrong. I didn’t say anything wrong.”
Same with my ex. I constantly told him I didn’t appreciate his tone. He always said he didn’t say anything wrong and he was sorry I was so sensitive and took it the wrong way.
Ohhh they will fly if you call anything out they do or have done. Big bully babies all of them.
@@victoriabenton8378 They aren't right in the head. We have to just detach and leave them to their insanity, otherwise, you'll take on their bad karma trying to fix them and they will just drag you further into their swamp.
@@melissagreen_ Yep! Thank you for this!
My ex is a covert one. Death by 1000 cuts. Thx for helping me understand what happened
100%!!! My narc would start talking about things in MY FIELD and reference "smart people"--he would literally say that--not reference even an actual person, just to be able to make the contrast that I was not one of the 'smart people'. When someone who says they love you does these subtle jabs it's so confusing and hurtful. Being out of it, I realize what an insecure, evil, fragile baby he is--so sad that people like that have to tear others down to feel 'big'
Omg it's little shit like this forreal, or how about when they talk shit about "someone" who's struggling with similar/the same issues you are. But really jus as a method to be able to try to invoke shame in us... What the hell is wrong with these people? It's awful shit honestly
@digitalversatilediscjockey3465 This comment right here. Spot on. You know, it's very hard to pin down, because it's always done with plausible deniability. They really aiming the jab at you, but using someone else as the focus so you can't pin them down. It's hard to explain this to others. You know the comment about the similar issues is meant at you because your gut instinct immediately reacts and picks it up. If it were a healthy, normal person saying that, you wouldn't even care, because your gut isn't sensing a predator. When they bring up other people's issues that you are also going through, the point IS to throw a jab your way and escape accountability. Also, as the comment is thrown, their energy is so evil, it's always said with venom.
I got the tone so many times and when I called them up on it they acted so innocently ignorant. Almost the perfect lier. 🍒
Yep
The worst part is their comment takes up your energy for hours on end later after it happens. It takes up your mind space. Until you tell yourself to ignore it, its a crap opinion that doesn't belong to you.
That is such a brilliant way to describe it, you are spot on.
I'm actually STUCK. I CAN'T move. My husband gives his digs at me all the time. Then has the NERVE to say 'I didn't mean for you to take it that way', or 'I'm sorry you feel that way'. YES, he DID mean for me to take it that way!! His digs are very subtle. Now I call him out and that's not working. HE JUST DOESN'T CARE!!!!!! If it's not about HIM, he doesn't care!!!!!
Magic word is WHATEVER.
Hold your head up angel because I'm going through the SAME crap now and I feel like I'm stuck in quicksand with this jerk who I guess thinks he's better than me because he's younger. People like our husbands treat us badly because it's a reflection of who they are ..not us.
Please remember that. Every time my "husband" gaslights me by sayng something little to me like he settled for me even though he could have done better ...because I have more limitations like OCD....and then I react and supersede his quiet unkind comments with more of a reaction. I feel guilty and go back for more abuse because I feel like I owe him something for reacting to him in a way that is out of my character.
This is disgusting and it's not right. You know you're a better person when you are by yourself and I know I'm a better person when I'm by myself and that's all that matters. Grateful that I got to read your comment and grateful for this video upload. Getting off TH-cam for now.
Good night
Oh, and mine uses Jesus and the Bible to criticize. SMH.
Loves, whatever. The other, TALK TO THE HAND! ✋
Nadine, those are non-apologies. He is supposed to follow up an apology with corrective behaviour and no repetition of what offended you. On the other hand, he is blaming you for feeling offended. He knows you can't get away.
It looks like he doesn't care. But he needs the supply he gets from you.he knows he can control your emotions. He enjoys this power over you.
Try Grey Rock technique. Don't tell him anything you are learning about narcissism. Just go quiet on him. Live your own life.
Fvck him 🙂🥺
💗💃 A narcissist/toxic person can be a little intimidated to hurl insults once they know they can be greeted with a response not to their liking.
Dog whistling is great to be aware of, and some of what you're describing here
My aunt does this! Example: I was in another room but could obviously hear her and she knew I could..her husband says “should I take out the trash?”… and she’s goes “speaking of trash”…and I know she’s talking about me because I’m not dumb..my parents are so naive, both my mom and aunt are narcs but my aunt is more malignant
Thank you! This clarified and put into words I could not think of myself what I went through for 25 years with my husband. I couldn’t explain his type of abuse because I couldn’t give any definite instances or examples. People tend not to believe you if you can’t provide concrete evidence for them.
The subtlety of their put downs allows for plausible deniability. It's infuriating.
Recovering from cancer surgery at home and recently my narc wife blurted out after we watched a movie , that I was like a potted plant , that she is tired of living in a nursing home . This kind of abuse has been going on for years . The night before she told me she loved me and wanted to make me soup . Crazy making behavior , intermittent reinforcement , bread crumbing .She historically, pathologically pulls me in only to abuse me more and more .11 years of attempting to corrosively control me through abuse . Done now ,filing for divorce April 1 and going no contact .
How's it going? Did you file?
@@cassiebennet4262 Sadly , Indeed I did . After 11 years of enduring abuse , blame shifting , projection ,false promises of change , hoovering and future faking .These patterns of abuse towards family members are deeply harmful and deeply painful for loved ones having to navigate through this maze of toxic behavior . I have ended the recurring cycle of abuse that was constantly created and manufactured out of thin air , by enforcing a final boundary .Although deeply painful , the only logical way forward is to learning all you can about these disorders , maintaining a commitment to self respect , self care and ending all contact .
@@rjlacroix3334 I'm sorry. I know it's difficult. Difficult is an understatement. I hope things get better for you and you can heal.
@@cassiebennet4262 thank you 🙏
@@rjlacroix3334I'm glad you did. I hope your health is doing well too
Just sitting here crying. I’m not claiming to be a victim. I’ve been in this relationship for 18 years. He uses my coping techniques against me at a later time as his own technique. I constantly have to figure out new ways to cope. It’s always at my most vulnerable times that Im put to the hardest tests. I feel like I’m at a breaking point. It’s so confusing because I feel we love each other and are deeply co dependent on each other. Im scared of my broken heart. I feel like it’s broken all the time. Going through a hard time right now with a death in my family. Just trying to stay alive. Feeling guilty because I have everything anyone could want. Sorry for the word vomit. Thank you for all the info.
Would love to help you on your healing journey. If I can be of help feel free to grab a time here at www.rawmotivations.com
So sorry about the death in your family. Sometimes that can really amplify other things, too. Hang in there. Sounds like you're recognizing patterns, that's the first step. Wish you the best.
@@Treebard Thank you I appreciate your thoughts.
As of today I’ve come full circle from that day…
Thank you for the platform and the opportunity to release the toxins….
It helps a ton.💝
Unfortunately I am now silent a lot because I don’t want to trigger any sarcastic comments or underhanded digs. From the outside I look like the bad guy because I am the silent one. 😢
Anything you do will be met with contempt. It's because they are miserable. It has nothing to do with you.
Going into 8months no contact... I still wonder why a mother would willingy find ways to insult their children. It baffles my mind. I'm still healing but am far away. No matter what kind of narc you lived with, staying AWAY is best!
It’s always, “Can’t you take a joke?!” Uh..yes, I CAN take a joke, what I CAN’T take is disrespect disguised as a joke!! 😏
I’m actually getting emotional because you get it. Thank you so much for seeing it and explaining it. Because most of the time I feel like I am going insane. 😢
I feel incredibly seen by this! Although it’s my TEN year older brother who constantly picks apart my appearance, my job, & implies the worst nearly every time I see him. Not a partner, so I hope your app helps with all Narc relationships!
A very helpful video indeed. I’ve had too much experience with narcissists and just had another with a very covert narcissist, who managed to wiggle into my life taking subtle cheap shots that I let pass. He kept upping the condescending shots and finally really exposed himself wth very aggressive shots and manipulating tactics.
I felt so stupid for once again being taken in by a narcissist. He was the most covert one I’ve met.
im in this situation that every workplace i go they gaslighting me
Same my friend. Its debilitating. Its lonely. Just smile, say ok, say nothing, keep going.
they behave like a child 🙄 they throw temper tantrums in the most subtle ways. Mine would know I wanted something and to get my attention he would go get that something in front of me. When I would confront him or question him about it like "why would u go without me? that's mean." He would always respond like a smart a** and say "how is that mean? I wanted to get something too."
They will always prioritize themselves and they think everyone else is below them. They will never want to see you happy because they are unhappy with themselves.
I enjoy noticing their comments and jokingly confront them loll they usually laugh rly hard like ahh you got me but deny it)) they seem to enjoy and hate me being able to see through them lolol
Oh my goodness I finally left her after 26 years in March 2022. Even then I had no idea she was a narcissist. I was so broken I just knew I needed out. I told her frustrated so many times that it wasn’t what she said but rather the delivery. She got my daughters turned against me now. I haven’t seen them in like four months. She moved a man in the house right away and they are super toxic together. I was so blind for so many years trying to fake it to make it. She is a disgusting human. I’ve gone no contact and it’s amazing. The day my divorce was final was the best day of my life. It was euphoric and an unexpected feeling. Our society and court system is failing victims of this abuse. It’s disgusting because people are gaslit to a point where they feel hopeless. I am still learning that I am and always was a good guy but struggled feeling like a bad guy. It’s my life now and I’m going to freaking enjoy it like I’ve always deserved. Hope all of you can heal also. I also finally quit questioning if I was the narc. I now know I was not.
I was constantly hearing remarks about how beautiful/smart/funny my much-younger half-sister was. One day, after someone mentioned to my mother what a pretty daughter (me) she had, she said “Oh, you should see my 16-year-old.”. She thought nothing of it, and I said nothing. To do so would have brought about a jealousy accusation.
“Absolutely nOt me” crying, again, because damn near everything mentioned in yet another video on VN resonates💞😭🤘
I enjoyed this so much it's all dead ringer on. How bout the eye rolling as they turn to the side too. My narc mom is passed now but my family is full of this. It's god awful.
I remember when she cranked it up to 100, in the final few weeks. It felt like my firewall was being attacked and I couldn't function. I started having horrible nightmares, my body was doing weird things, my mom was scared for my life and I could not feel a single touch of happiness, until my body made me numb in order to protect me from the immense stress levels that translated into physical pain. On and off. On and off. I couldn't control when it happened. And I couldn't stop engaging with her even though all my friends told me to give it time and space.
You dissociated to protect yourself from the pain. Been there. There's not a word strong enough to describe this nightmare.
How did you heal
Death of a marriage by a million subtle insults. IDK why but this is the first vid I've across talking about this. As someone who has put up with a lot of this sh*t, I now realize what is going on. For me, I don't take the plate of crap to easily and will snap back. All that has done is make this "relationship" a living nightmare. Anyway, (I'm working on the exit) I'm so happy Ben has brought this up and shined a light on it. He's right, people around you won't get it, but the receiver of it knows the intent of a seemingly innocent comment.
Would love to help you on your healing journey. Check out this video to see if you connect: www.rawmotivations.com/breakthrough
Oh my Gosh! Ben, what a great video!! EVERYBODY needs to hear this!!!
God is Truly Blessing us through you, it is very clear to see...God Bless you too Ben😊Thank You
I am also very thankful that he is able to talk about it. I also wonder if he has managed to stay away from this behavior himself.
But why do they do that? I mean out of nowhere? Mine told me " Don't you have to learn for your important exams?" but the tone was "Fuck off, I don't want to talk to you now" in front of his friends. Funny thing is, I knew instantly (gut feeling) but in the end of course I was the crazy one. I mean, why do they do that? Why can't they just say "I don't have time right now talk to you later"?
They don't care.
bc they are arrogant and have to much pride they think everyone is below them.
They get power from abuse
I have often wondered what a healthy normal marriage looked like….
Narcissists come in two flavors: sneaky or spicy.
Yes, yessss
My husband will say something like your hair is fuzzy today. Or your nose is red. Something to put me down but you can tell its just to uspet me or get a reaction. Then when he gets a reaction hes so calm about it and says he didn't mean anything by it. I pick up on stuff all the time and of course it makes you feel even more crazy.
I love your videos, Ben! So helpful!
I know when we don’t have the tools and have very little confidence we lose ourselves easily.
First I was crushed when I stared to notice the subtle sh*tty comments. But I’m learning, and your videos are gold! 🙏
Last night he yelled at me so I chose to eat my dinner alone and retrieve in the bedroom (he’s been sleeping on the couch).
In the morning he said ‘sorry’ but by then I had a few good lines to fire back by making it about myself and not do any smear campaign. His sh*t bounced off me.
He went to work and called in panic that he’s rattled and we need to talk about it tonight and have a plan in place so he can think about it at work before he gets home.
Normally I would’ve caved in bc I’m empathic.
BUT I told him that I said what I wanted to and I’m good. It’s on him to unfold whatever is needed.
He couldn’t control me and it was a huge win for me.
He couldn’t find a grip on me and he needed to sit with the emotions and being out of control.
My ex would always talk to me like I was stupid..like I would say something and he would say”you don’t even know what that means” and would then go into talking down to me like im a child
I have had that. Actually saying things like "language doesn't do the things you think it does"
How have we survived then as a civilization if words don't matter?
That tone, and the smirk often accompanying it... I got to where I had no doubt about what was meant by that damned smirk. Still feel like a fool when in reality i simply expected someone who claimed to love me to treat me as i would them. Out of it now but suspicious of everything and everyone and every word I hear. Im healing but not in a positive way. Hard, mean, with a hair trigger and mouth the size of Montana being so unwilling to take abuse ever again.
Yes, the narcissist at work had said so many things about me that they imply means I'm a bad person it is proof itself that she is abusing me because no-one else would think these things to be a fault. The other thing is that other people have done or haven't done these exact things she speaks of (have done = shrug at her question, haven't done = don't give her sympathy for being ill, for example) but she doesn't have a problem with them.
Though I've quit my job now, so other people will probably be subject to her abuse now, hopefully she will turn on the woman who was also previously abused by the narc but then defended the narc when I raised a grievance.
Can a person be a combination overt/covert? H swings from direct in your face to death by a thousand paper cuts behavior. The in your face-literally screaming- behavior is when angry, and the other is standard day to day passive aggressive behavior. No sympathy or empathy unless he gets to be the fixer or rescuer and, when ‘fixed’, the emotional connection ends as quickly as it began. It’s crazy. Just curious.
From what I have learned someone can overlap into different types of narcissism.
@@stacygyuricza2187 that's absolutely true in a many faced Narc. Well said. 👏
Yes absolutely they can be covert and overt. When they sly covert abuse isn't working they become very overt. They have a rage. And make treats to destroy your life.
Mine had to be, he was mainly covert however he isn't social awkward. He was actually very outgoing, social, loud, life of the party, charismatic type, but at home with me is was passive agressive comments, silent treatments, things that he could plausible deny as doing when I confronted him. It was always said it a manner to look or seem as innocent as possible
Yes and they can become more overt over time as well.
Person 1: What's wrong?
Person 2: I'm just a bit tired
Person 1 (condescendingly): From what?
Just a little exchange, but Person 2 is made to justify their tiredness towards Person 1 now. A few conversations like these throughout the day everyday is a death by thousand cuts.
07:55 death by a million cuts
These videos are really great and I want to ask you if you can also add some of the ways to respond to this type of behavior in your upcoming videos. All videos online describe the behavior, but almost none describe how to respond. Most advise grey rock or no contact, but when you are dealing with neighbours or colleges that is not always possible. Its also not always healthy to stay silent when someone is being disrespectful.
Low contact is helpful if you can’t go NC.
WHATEVER. Magic word.
@@SadieHartMusic Thanks, but if you for example have this narcissistic auntie that makes rude comments to you at family gatherings then you still need to learn how to deal with that in an emotionally mature way. I would love to hear his tips.
@@inesavoege5560 too passive agressive to my taste... but thanks for the suggestion.
@@zion367 I get that, but I feel you're missing the point. If the person you're dealing with is truly narcissistic, they truly do not care. There is no skillful way to communicate with a narcissist. They can and will weaponize everything you say and do. This is why we're all screaming NC, low contact, and gray rock from the rafters. There is no other way. If you want to learn how to communicate well with people who do not have a personality disorder, there are amazing courses on conscious / non-violent communication. I'm studying a communication framework now that is life changing. But what really changed my life was going NC with all narcissistic individuals.
This is what I went through, it was always acting like their wasn't anything wrong with them when you asked. I would be so anxious all the time wondering what I did to upset him but he would always say nothing was wrong. Yet his behavior was obviously different or like being given the silent treatment, then he would lash out at me because I keep trying to ask what was the matter when nothing was the matter and I was the issue. It would be so strange because his mask was very animated and high energy etc. But then suddenly he would walk around and not say hi, or you talk to him and he wouldn't respond as if he didn't hear you but you are right next to him just so many things
Ben, can you do a video about the narcissist and envy please?
@@lauracarpenter927 Right? That’s at the core of EVERY narcissist. That’s EXACTLY why they do it. Envy and jealousy of authentic people like us. In addition to him, you should also look at “The game exposed” podcast
Omg that was so precisely described on what I went through and am still going through as there s still contact. Thank You for this!!!!!
Mine cut down a tree I planted because she didn't like it. Yesterday I brought it up in front of my sister and her partner. My lady totally denied cutting the tree down. I had to walk away at that point. She has the nerve to say that she doesn't lie, yall I'm confused, frustrated and hurt. I confront her about it later that night and was told "I m not going to continue this conversation ". I'm at a lost.
Justin someone that is healthy & loves you would not behave that way. She sounds like a master gaslighter. It will never get better only worse. The only way to be happy is to get OUT of this relationship. Much love & peace to you ❤
Leave..leave..leave! It only gets worse!
She sounds like trash.
I love how my ex snd I would have a conversation and then when she would somewhat repeat what I had said, she would totally change how I said what I said. I spent more time saying “that’s bot what I said or how I said it, you’ve changed my meaning”
Yes, all you say is absolutely true!!! My children never insult me in front of anyone and if I were to tell anyone what they do those hearing might think I am crazy for thinking I was insulted. Every time our daughter comes to visit she criticizes how I eat. When I haven't responded with groveling to explain myself she gets more covert. She will ask me why I use certain kinds of things to attempt to draw me into an argument. What I do now is simply say; "I like it." This ends the attacks because I don't give her a reason to argue with me. She uses questions about what I do to make me feel like I am stupid for doing it but never when anyone else is in the room. I avoid her as much as possible. This daughter brags continually about her family as though they are perfect, everything seems fake and even embellished so that they all seem perfect. I get an icky sense that she is always lying to look superior. My gut feeling when I see her coming is to flee!!!! Lastly, I am much happier alone than with these rude people.
All. The. Time. And then “I was joking, god let it go already etc”
As usual loved it. Presentation very well presented on complexities that exist to decipher. 👏 these types are a Trip! Not strong. We are stronger. The ending? A lot of required work. The self rebuilding is a rebirth from out of a dark space with Narc. There's got to be a calm after the storm 🌈 🙏🙏
I feel so validated right now, thank you.
All I’ve ever known is both covert and overt narcissism from my spouse. I can’t imagine what a spouse with only one and not the other, is like.
Thank you. This video really helps a lot
yes yes and yes!
20+ years of not understanding what the hell the problem was but now I am FREE!!! Thank God Almighty for the Christian counselor who opened my eyes.
I was just talking to someone the other day about how he would do this to me. He would make it in a joking way in front of people and everyone would be laughing, but I finally realized he was doing this to me. I just can't believe it took me so long to see, hear, and realize that he was doing that to me. When I realized it, I would catch it all the time. It's embarrassing when I look back on it now.
Hope you are doing better now and healing!
Don't feel embarrassed. The very reason they get away with such behavior is the subtlety with which they deliver their concealed digs. You were unaware. I am just happy that there are people around now helping us to become aware of what was being done to us. Even I sometimes get angry when I think of how many times I let them get away with their verbal wickedness. But it's okay. We didn't know, so we should cut ourselves some slack.
Now it's time to work on repairing the damage done... I hope you're further along than I am. I'm only now becoming aware of the extent of it...😔
Not your fault. Remove your self-blame. HE did it, not you. It takes a while to tease out what's really happening. Good luck.
WOW!! Yes I totally felt I was the only one who got treated that way, when I was married to my ex. No one else could see his meanness!
He would say things like, 'i wouldn't be with you if you didn't have a job', 'red nails means you have to really look put together/beautiful if you are going to wear them',
Very true, little insults
you hit the nail on the head..this hurts so bad I am in the situation now where I’m trying to explain this to some people where my complaint was seem so petty, but it hurts so badly. This is spot on.
Here are a few comments from two days ago with someone posing as a friend.
"I wish I had known you before your ex screwed you up."
Me: "I don't need someone else to validate me."
"People think you are crazy by some of the things you say."
Me: "Luckily for me, I don't care what others think. I've done my homework."
"Be careful what you choose to believe, from all the things you read and study."
Me: "It's called discernment."
Finally I said "Those are your opinions and I disagree."
He threw another less covert insult. I just laughed because the gaslighting was all too obvious by then.
These clowns will attempt to subtly break you down because they are insecure inside and misery loves company. Learn to identify these people and walk away asap.
I was about to throw a hand. Thank you.
Excellent video, Thank you!
Thanks for the perspective. The insults got bigger. Facade management. Knew he would be angry to have to deal with the kids for a little while. She took a short period of time for herself. He's dog whistling. Don't be so sensitive. Don't be so selfish. So it I would have read him the riot act.
"Don't take this personal . . . . "
I become really good at what I'm around. Over the years I have been through some. Long story short I have become really good at them though I usually just stay quiet and let them insult themselves back for me.
I've seen people really lose their stuff and even freedom for not reacting like stats imply. I love when they say I'm wasting time when I'm not the one getting paid to say that.
Anyway that was the old days. I have more to think about than complain about nowadays thank God.
Backhanded compliments are their specialty...
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I get this bs everyday at work.
I've just got so angry its actually hatd not to be that way even though im trying not to. Ive found myself thinking i dont want to be like her, my mum but shes done so much harm to me, my marriage and my family. I couldnt do that to anyone and I've had to work wxtra hard to put my family together despite her lies. The feeling that I'm a fraud had been very hard to shake, not to mention everything else done. Novody deserves their bs, nobody.
My covert narc gave me a hidden insult he said inever seen you dancing is it cause your not good at dancing then he said they say if people are good dancers means there good in the bedroom with sex and im a very good dancer I couldnt believe what I was hearing he tried to make a joke of it but I knew what he was getting at .but I responded with be like the old saying of shoe size compared to there manhood well you should be wearing size 3 shoes instead of size 10 that shut him up .
I will heal when these evil creatures are in prison. That has tried to murder me. They think they have hidden the truth. To keep from going to prison.
Covert Narcissists Indirect Insults and Insinuating Comments projections
With topics like these, would you be able to do examples with breakdowns either with Lee or without Ben? Thanks!
Great suggestion!
I dated a guy who hated white people (I am white) After a while, I realized his rude comments about white people were actually meant to be directed to me. 😅
Same thing happened to me. I dated an Italian and he hates Americans. Always directed at me!
Yes mine didn't like black people, we are the bad people in all his stories and sc@mmers 😅😅😅. Why be with me when you hate me?
Omg i thought it was me ! Mine hates Black women and i am Half Italian and hlaf Black... like Gee, what do you want me to do about the Black side of me !!!!!!@LaurenGiovina
Often its the dismissive words that they use to identify/describe what you have or do, implies a lesser value. In my experience, it comes when you are just doing your own thing, and not giving them attention
When my son told me my knowledge is old because I'm 53 the penny finally dropped that him and his mother the coverts need to be left alone now he is a grown man of 21
Now I can spend time on myself and stop calling people who don't even want to talk to me or taking them out to meals and they even eat my food and dessert like it's normal as if what i do is NEVER enough
It is now
Thanks demons
❤
The 2 most condescending people I've met in my life apart from 1 or 2 siblings
I need to speak these words to strangers who won’t judge me.. I HATE my NPD father. There I said it.
It’s definitely the tone. I would say something but then get be told that it was all in my head. He didn’t know what I was talking about. He was fine.
He spent his time elsewhere. I didn’t feel like we mattered to him. I knew we didn’t.
There would be times that I would take the kids and put them in the car, drive down the road, realize I had forgotten something, come back and he was already gone. He had said he was going to stay there and rest. I’d call him up and I’d get chewed out over it. It was my fault.
My ex- narc called me "wingnut".....my name is Valerie.....in 14 years of marriage, he never used my name.....and the "Silent Treatment" lasted for two weeks at a time.....I never ever cried, or show emotion, I had two wonderful sons to raise......I DIVORCED
his ass.....
They say something demeaning to you , we you call them on it, they say “ my friends don’t see my humor as a problem”
Narcs are so emotionally immature, it’s laughable
Mine couldn't get away with that one. What friends? When we met it seemed he had loads of em. Where were they? He had one and that was his flying monkey/dope hook. So that one was never used on me. They don't seem to have many friends, but nor do I and since I went no contact and started picking myself up from the oozing puddle I was I seem to be down to perhaps 2. That seems to happen, you will lose people either during or after the relationship. Yes, he was like a 15 yr old boy. What a waste of love, energy, health, time, and in the end he doesn't even have anything to show for it.
back befor i cut contact with my narc neighbor she would shut down on me in Conversation by saying
enough of that listen to this you cant get no more rude and narcissitic that than no normal person make such a comment
they do this becuase they got no interest in what someone got to say only you placing your attention upon them interest them becuase it gives them supply
I only wish they would give me the silent treatment
My boyfriend will make some snide sarcastic comment and then say he's just joking.
And I'm like, no you're not joking you really think that or you wouldn't say it.
It's maddening.
He asked if I wanted to look at a bike(not a motorcycle) it was a 1862 schwinn I bought it for $60
I left it at his place to we could ride together at the city park on the water, then he bought a 1964 sears
So the next time we rode, he the schwinn was gone, and then he told me the sears was the bike I bought,(gaslighted)
That’s when I went NC
I couldn't find the article he mentioned for me to read on line. His comment "let me show you how to pull up an article."
You just got smacked
0:43 Yes, I'm mean occasionally and make mean jokes sometimes
How do you know these people are by definition ‘narcissists’ and not just people with narcissistic style or behaviors?
No one deserves this crap. That's why I left. There is peace to being alone. Protect your mental health.
Wouldn't yhe percieved insults be considered perspective?
Aren't they?
I wasnt getting it, so they kept repeating it
My ex would have taken the kids somewhere else and acted to the kids like I ditched them in selfishness. If I'd have defended myself that I had notified him of my innocent plan like she did, he'd have said he got no text and he wouldn't have let me know where they went. I'd have been left there waiting for them and be wondering for hours where they'd gone while he'd be doing some fun out of character thing with them. My whole day would be a maze while the kids would be so happy to enjoy their dad's rare good mood that they only see when mom's not there cuz she screwed up the family plans. So years later after the wreckage of divorce, my kids hate me, won't talk to me, In a new relationship in a tearful trigger my new husband to be was comforting me, he told me something I really needed to hear … ＂What happened with the way your kids feel about you now happened long before you ever left him. He influenced their thinking long before they started showing it to you. ＂ As profoundly as that hurt to hear, a flood of memories came back of just what you said , those subtle digs and covert snipes that I thought were only understood between him and me had rooted in them. They weren't small anymore and started understanding the context, and sadly believed him, his framing me. I wanted to leave when they were small but he had the backing of his ＂organized Family＂ so I waited until they could legally choose who they wanted to live with (for many important reasons) as he carefully tried to end my life for a life insurance policy a few times but I kept surviving and being released from th ER… they chose to live with him. They displaced their anger for the divorce on me as he dipped their brains daily like he always had in ＂mom's a failure don't End Up like her＂ fear sauce. It hurts beyond expression but I'm not mad with them, it was him breaking up the family long ago before I ever knew.
My ex covert is 40 and never had a relationship longer than 2 years and i know an overt he is about 50 and had 3 long relationships
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He likes to throw in hidden insults , he told other friends of ours that I was almost too heavy for his taste , so I lost 45 lbs . Now that I'm much thinner , he will throw in comments that i should start doing squats , then , when I tell him that comment hurt my feelings bc I am sensitive about my past weight he will tell me , " your to sensitive , I was only joking ."