I had a mother-in-law who never gave up thinking she was the first woman in her son’s life. I vowed never to be like her when my sons married. I love the women my sons chose sometimes more than my sons. They are amazing women and have given us our grandchildren. I have kept my vow since I know what it is like to have the negativity in my life.
I so relate…my healing journey is to become the best version of me-not following in my mom’s patterns or my former MIL either-both were f’d up. I messed up with my family due to toxicity on both sides, but those behaviors change with me!
I can understand Kellys comments re understandings better how her mother in law felt but while I can appreciate her love for her son I think people need to realize that alot of this child centric almost obsessed parenthood that has been prevalent on the US anyway the last generation or so has some very bad downsides that some have been able to outline to a degree. Their is such a thing as the law of unintended consequences and people seeming to feel they need to out do one another in their quest to seem closer to their children n do for them more than is often healthy. Add to it the fact that people have been having far fewer children and some even have one, especially if it's a boy,many women are setting themselves and their son's and future daughter in-law for more difficulty than it ordinarily would be,as it is if course somewhat natural. If it's a divorced mom or single mom everything being equal it will be even worse. The best thing you can do for your child in addition to loving n supporting them is to maintain some sort of relationship with adults be it friends, neighbors, family... ideally a little of each. Your kids will like one quicker to see you as a burden if you do not or don't even try. Hobbies n interests outside of your kids make you a well rounded person and actually improve your relationship with kids n significant others. Yes there are circumstances and seasons where this will take a backseat but too many women hide out behind their kids. Some even have them for this reason.
For the woman with the ex-husband who was abusive. I’ve been there and I pray that you find healing! Making a decision to leave and be safe is ALWAYS the right answer. 🙏🏼
If your spouse is abusive, it's best to separate at least, and divorce if necessary. But Miranda didn't ever answer a single question from John, and he still ate it up. I'm sure her H was no good, but it also seems like she's lying and exaggerating and twisting things to what she thinks is her advantage. She never says what her H did, other than a very vague "forced himself on me against my will" then adding "well, it doesn't really fit what most people would think of as that"? I mean, either he did or he didn't, and she can't say that's really what happened. Idk, I grew up in a household of women that were like that, and they absolutely sounded just like this, so I'm perhaps more sensitive to it than most. Not saying the H was great, and pure as the driven snow, just noting what caught my ear.
@@KivlorI am a female n something seemed off about this call. Of course I do not know what trauma manifests itself as in people's speech patterns n communication style so who knows. But I also believe John is always inclined to believe everyone especially in a situation like this n one might say why would she lie. This show has gained popularity and people who listen may now know what he is likely to say n they may have more reason than just getting advice for their own reasons some legit n some less so. I'm not saying this woman is out n out lying bc I don't know but people are foolish if they think no one has it will. Those who can related to her story n so just believe her are no more correct in doing so. Their pain n their experience is theirs and it's sad to think that there are people who make things up but there really are. I think Johns advice was good regardless n I would have suggested some longer term therapy to deal with the things she mentions or alludes to.
As a medical professional I will say, What some people don't understand is that alcohol withdrawal is physiologically just as bad as a heroin withdrawal. The things the body goes through is horrendous and the person can die. That's why a lot of people choose to drink just to stabilize themselves by having a drink before withdrawal begins because it's unbearable. And the person needs medical attention.
I was just reading last night about this. I have always known dying was possible. What I didn't know until I was reading was that less than 10% of people develop the condition that causes death with alcohol withdrawal. Then only around 3 % of the 10% group actually dies from the condition. I read that basically alcoholics are given benzos and have their vitals checked. What else can you tell me about detox? I'm trying to learn more because of my husband.
In 32 years of what began as light, then went to moderate after 4 or 5 years, and then gradually turned into heavy drinking, I tried to quit many, many times and was successful for 6 months one time, and nearly a year another time, with weeks, or a month sprinkled in throughout the years. However, the more years I drank, the worse and more terrifying the withdrawals became and I had to drink to try and hold the withdrawals at bay. I never could afford rehab, and since I probably wasn't really ready to quit all of those other times before I finally was ready, a 30 day program, or even longer would most likely not have worked because I wasn't there yet. I was never hospitalized for alcohol poisoning, car accidents, or anything alcohol related. Finally, right after I turned 50, I went through 4 days of really bad withdrawals and detox at home, and I'm happy to say that I've been sober for 15 years. Of course, life didn't become perfect when I quit drinking, but I did find out that life can be really good after alcohol, and I honestly have not missed drinking once I made up my mind to really quit and actually did it.
@@brittany7573 Since I don't know about your husband's overall health (about 12 years before I gave up drinking once and for all, my husband took me to a really good doctor he knew and had a bunch of tests done in an attempt to stop me from drinking, however, both he and the doctor were shocked that the tests all came back perfectly normal, with no signs of liver damage even after 20 years of drinking at that point. I guess I hadn't totally messed up my health yet), I'd recommend he not try to detox himself unless he doesn't have health issues besides what alcohol causes (diabetes, heart issues, high blood pressure, etc, and if he has other issues, he might be better being monitored in a hospital. If he detoxes at home, he could at least be prescribed Librium, a tranquilizer that smooths out anxiety when detoxing. I didn't have any when I detoxed for the last time, but I did drink a lot of water, I took arsenicum and nux vomica pellets (ask your health food store about those pellets or you can order online), I also drank ginger ale, and I ate saltine crackers and bread to try and tamp down the nausea. Then I just suffered through the withdrawal symptoms for the next several days. I know I drank to try and make my brain stop racing, and to try and manage my anxiety, and my OCD, but once I stopped drinking the anxiety and OCD issues dissapated to a higher degree.
@@brittany7573 the best place to withdraw from alcohol is in a hospital setting. There are medications given to prevent seizures, Delirium tremons, some may have hypertension, hallucinations, severe headaches.
14:53 I was this woman. I lived with my (ex husband) abuser for 30 years. I’m currently in trauma therapy to deal with everything. Starting a new life is hard at 54. My body made me allergic to everything in and around the house to the point I needed an epipen. Family took his side and I had to do everything alone.
I'm so sorry for your struggle with this without any support It's not to late to find others who will stand by you while you stand with them. Healing from this type of trauma is a journey. One step at a time dear one and you will find with each step, even the steps back you take in the moment can lead to knowledge and strength you didn't know you were capable of. And when you've been successful in you own healing, you have the empathy that others that have not walked your path don't have. That empathy can help reach others who are wounded, because you've been there. I pray peace for you on your journey to health.
Last call is exactly why it is so important for mothers, especially SAHM, to have an identity outside of their children. Hobbies and purpose are important for everyone but so many moms lose their identity to their job as a mom.
True but since her kid was chronically ill she really had no other choice at the time. That's a whole different ball game. But the good news is she can start today to build something and hopefully she has a supportive husband during it. ❤
Having a medically complex child is COMPLETELY different. Our lives literally revolve around them because every ounce of their care depends on us. Often you don't have time for any other identity. If you haven't lived it, you don't have room to speak on it.
@@lisaowens1664 I didn't mean it as an insult at all. I cannot imagine what she went through. I would even argue its even more important for a mother with a chronically ill child to find small amounts of time for herself. I know that's easier said than done but I believe it's important so I hope those who are in these positions are able to do so.
@@blueseptember2174 Oh absolutely! Life is hard and I just think it's so important for everyone to find time for themselves so they don't burn themselves out mentally and physically.
4:59 Rape upon a partner is worse. The stranger doesn’t tell you he loves you, or pretends to care. You’re not expected to be loving towards your stranger rapist afterwards.
I can’t even imagine being a victim of a stranger but I have been forced by my husband. To me a stranger would be way worse. After going to a lawyer and being asked if I had been r*ped, is when I realized it was recognized as a thing within marriage, he never did that again. I’ve healed but it was hurtful for about a year after it happened.
What is mental abuse? Isn't that subjective? My brother's wife said he was mentally abusive because he would get mad at her for not getting out of bed and going to work...then she lost her job and so he said well at least clean the house...she refused and cited that it was mental abuse.
@@elainenilsson5472 How so? Mental abuse is a wide spectrum (according to women). It certainly isn't calling someone a name or telling them they are lazy or something. Men would call mental abuse refusing to have sex when they want and women would call mental abuse when their husband tells them they've gained weight. Both are absurd.
My fibromyalgia got really bad during an abusive relationship. There was some violence, but mostly it was the steady verbal abuse and constant head games that made me so tense I was barely eating, and I started smoking like a chimney. My pre existing pain condition became unmanageable, and I could find no joy or peace in my days.
I have severe trauma from violent abuse and serious trauma from a cheating partner (cheated with 20+ people). My trauma will not leave. I just started EMDR therapy and for the first time in my life I can physically feel my body reacting to the therapy. I had completely given up after decades of every therapy you can imagine. My therapist learned EMDR therapy from the guy who came up with it. Find a good EMDR therapist who knows how to do it right! Good luck.
I love that Dr. John brought up the seasonal side effect of Pittsburgh and how dark it is. I live in the Midwest and it is not easy for an addict during the winter. Sometimes you feel like you’re going crazy just to make it through the day. You deserve happiness. There are many addictions out there but alcoholism and substance abuse of any sort has the biggest stigma around it. Thank you for helping your brother. It takes a lot to step forward and say you have an issue too. Much love!!
First call, my heart breaks for her. The truth does set us free, but it's really hard at first. It will get better. So many women in faith cultures, suffer.
I relate to this woman so much. I didn’t know there was a creature called a narcissist. I was a middle child/oldest daughter, and had parents that expected obedience. I said no, I don’t have to one time and paid the consequences. So what I learned was not to say no. Which made me very vulnerable to the narcissist i met later. At first it was fun. Then he complained about my curfew. And then since my mom tended kids but his mom worked out of the home at a department store, I was told time with them was more important. And I was regularly home late. My mom was “tough love” and started telling me if I wasn’t home on time I would have to move out, because of my preteen younger sisters and the example I was setting. I was caught in the middle until a difficult evening with the narcissist left me out until early morning trying to negotiate with him. It was more than curfews at this point. It was the night before thanksgiving. My mom called their house where I was and said to come home or i was to move out. I was exhausted with the pressure from every direction and didn’t go home. In a few days I found an apartment and stopped after work when my dad wasn’t home and picked up all my stuff. I don’t blame my mom as much as I realize she was as clueless as I was about narcissists. I was never rebellious and she was our main parent. My dad thought he knew what he was doing, but what he thought were family counsels were really long exhaustive lectures that were endless and we mentally checked out until he was satisfied that he had made his point and we were released. I was perfectly crafted for a narcissist. And where narcissists tend to be successful, mine was not because he was coddled by his mother and protected from anything uncomfortable. His only other sibling was a sister 7 years younger. The judging started towards my parents first. And gradually at me personally. And after the Thanksgiving event, I lost my support system. With the exception of people I worked with. But I mostly kept stuff to myself. I rode the bus and didn’t have a car. After three years we figured we either need to break up or get married. I was religious and still a virgin, so you know. We chose marriage and my family was allowed to participate. I realize now it’s because of the “appearance” to those who didn’t know the details. It lasted 13 years. I was not just emotionally abused but physically. We had three children. First two sons that were not planned because I didn’t like taking even an aspirin for a headache. And I started squishing bugs in the house instead of getting them on a paper and delivering them outside. My daughter was planned and it was after he had finally gotten a job. I was the backbone that was holding everything together. I have flipped the bird off two times in my life and both were at him. I still didn’t have my own car and my work wasn’t near a bus route. After chewing me out about not helping him get a job, I had been silent in the car but when I got out I passed in front and flipped him off. He didn’t come to pick me up. I still didn’t have my family in my life. So I called his parents. They came about 7:00 pm. In the car I started saying, “I’m so tired of him hurting me…”. His mom said, “I saw scratches on his arms…”. I shut up. Then I realized on tv, victims of murder, they identify their murderers by dna under their fingernails. I was not among friends. I already knew that, but then it became a stark reality. His mom and sister were always taking the children (his sister had a couple of her own) on outings during the day. Shopping and excursions. I eventually realized they were elevating themselves on how good they were. One time they were complaining about bringing them back to my work to go home (we lived across the valley) and grandma was saying about better hurry so I didn’t complain (I typically was done at work and didn’t know where my kids were and had to track them down. No cell phones and my main source of joy was having my children, and it had been a long day). My daughter who was perhaps four said, “ my mom works hard”. Grandma told her “She just sits in a chair and has fun all day.” I think my daughter was telling me what grandma had said before the door was shut. Long story short, I started having “bruises appearing above my right knee. Our fights were a pattern of every six weeks (Not my female cycle). I secretly made an appointment with a doctor I had never seen and told him about the bruises and my situation. He said they were bruises. I can’t remember what he called them. But I believe it’s exactly what you said here, that my body was reaching out and sending emergency signals. He gave me a bag full of anxiety pill samples. I then started meeting with my own counselor in my work building and found out what a narcissist was. Eventually he was served divorce papers. He moved out the next week. Convinced our clergy that until he could get his own place could he keep meeting with him. He never got his own place (lived at parents), and literally was beginning to entrap the clergy into his lies. Luckily I met the man of my dreams right before the floor fell out from me. My sons were alienated from me by his persuasiveness of “poor me”, and “it’s your mom that wanted this@, and they began misbehaving badly. And I started getting warned about abusing them, making any discipline impossible. I let them go because I knew I had lost and if I let them go I would maybe be able to retain my daughter. I now had to pay child support for the boys as well as costs to maintain my home. I had $150 after the utilities and house payment etc were paid. I asked the counselor about turning off the phone. She said not a good idea if you have a minor in the home. So that was $70. Leaving me with $80 for food, clothing, paying for great visits with my sons that they had become accustomed to. And everything else besides utilities and house payments. (And I got 2/3 of the credit card debt because I had a job; but interestingly I had never even used a credit card. There were five credit cards and payments over $500). I got engaged and got married within a week to a man that I had known two months. Interestingly after I sold my home I went part time and had more money in MY pocket even though I was paying child support. Visitation with my sons didn’t last long because they obviously were being coached and they were very demanding and insulting. I decided that my only control was to not allow them to get in the habit of treating me or any other person that way. I didn’t see them until 13 years the younger one reached out because his therapist encouraged me. He told me I was a “shitty parent” and then paid for pizza for dinner. Luckily I bit my tongue. It took the older one about four more years. It’s better. But I don’t have what my neighbors have. Traditions are not there. I can’t plan on Christmas parties and Thanksgiving or 4th of July parties. My daughter is messed up because she was between us and learned to manipulate. Dishonesty. And she’s an adult now and is in trouble with the courts. Her husband stands behind her and she’s trying to purge herself and get through her legal troubles. (By the way my parents were not an option. I knew if I went there I would be expected to pay rent, as well as pay my mom for babysitting because I would still have to work to pay them rent. And while my butt was in the chair working, my ex would have been pounding on their door to see his kids. Not much better than where I was at already.) I was blessed to find my husband when I needed someone. At the end of my rope. When we first met I didn’t see how bad it was going to get or how quickly. And it turns out my husband needed me as bad as I needed him. He had been cheated on by two previous wives. And I am very, very faithful. I am not angry at my parents. I am glad they didn’t raise me to be entitled. And I am very honest and trustworthy. My dad just “overstepped the mark.” My mom wasn’t as happy as she could have been if he had been more affectionate and giving. But she taught me responsibility. And I knew she loved me. And was proud of 22:06 me. I had high standards.
This whole episode. 💔 My heart goes out to every caller. I’ve only been listening to John for a month or two but he’s such a supportive and helpful professional. Thank you
Miranda, I did the same thing. I never told my family what was really going on in my marriage, I was afraid to tell because I wanted my family to like him, desperately. Also, when I left, I spoke well of him to others, and I ALSO didn't disclose to my divorce lawyer what was really going on. 😢 I regret this big time. I hope the best for you moving on! Work on your self worth and self love. Our lack of this is what keeps us in a relationship that is so destructive to us and our autonomy. It's death by a thousand cuts. It's hell on earth. My ex claimed to be a Christian but he tricked me into marriage and NEVER thought I'd leave....but I did! I'm on the road to self discovery and learning about red flags, boundaries, how to say no and stick by that as well as speaking up for myself no matter WHAT others think. I know me best, but my ex was determined to break me down until I DIDNT trust myself~ mission almost accomplished! ❤ Big hugs!
Good for you to climb out and realize before it got too late. More power to you! Love that already you are encouraging others to find sanity and safety. I think that shows how positive you are now that you can be sure that negative influence may have been holding you back from a liveable life. You gave such great advice and understanding.
Love Deloney’s response when one brother calls in on alcohol for his bro and winds up revealing his own struggle. Showing the empathy and strength in the struggle… could be so powerful. Telling his bro how he doesn’t want the hurt he’s claimed over those burned relationships to hit the bro the same way… could be really supportive.
This was a very powerful episode. My Love and prayers for every caller. May they all receive the comfort, healing, support and encouragement they need.
Yeah, most of these stories seem to come from "religious" families and communities: be it christian, muslim or any other. I can't think of any cases where religion and tradition helped individual, family or community actually thrive, i always see individuals and groups shackled by it
Thanks to caller #2, my cousin is also struggling with alcoholism and almost died this summer. Despite his rock bottom, he continues to drink. I plan to send him a letter and pray he’s ready for change.
Thank you for standing in support of the young divorcee who was seriously sexually and emotionally abused. I pray she finds her value and worth. And that her identity as a woman becomes healthy and personally her own.
Ugh, I was that wife too......I got out within a little over a year, and never looked back. He was a sociopath; sounds like her husband is as well. So glad that lady got out; God bless her.
Kudos to Christopher, it takes a lot to admit and see flaws within oneself. Hope the best for you and your brother. May God give you the strength to overcome alcoholism and become sober.
To the heart mama, I HEAR YOU!!! My daughter has what I would guess to be the same CHD's/liver issues. She's about 10 years younger, but it's HARD as they start to grow up and (thankfully) not need us as much. We've lived our lives in much the same way, no holds barred, no bubbles, to the fullest. I needed to hear this call, so THANK YOU!
It's so beautiful how Kelly so clearly articulated those controversial feelings of having your child get married and have that spouse be "the most important". It is right, it's how it's supposed to be, but it's so lovely she's acknowledging that without dismissing her own feelings
Call 1 : based on my experience, yes people who care deserve an explaination, and people who are curious need an information as for you to keep your public image under control (as far as possible). " I decided to divorce because my ex-husband was not the man I had been engaged to. He showed up abusive full scope just few days into the marriage. That's all you need to know. And I do what it takes to heal and rebuild my sense of self worth. I appreciate your concerns. Thank you" . Hearing yourself saying this outloud is an affirmation of who you are becoming
Isn't this just empty nest syndrome? (Last caller) I went through great sadness when each child left home. Take heart. As time passes, the sadness lessens.😊,
That's my thought. However, this Mom had to balance the extreme medical dependance that her daughter needed and after caring for her for 26 years, knowing that at any time she could die, is a lot more traumatic empty nest syndrome that the normal kind. Dr John did a very good job working through it with her. Up to this point she has had to be on basically "high alert" for 26 years. I only had to be on "high alert" when one of my children were injured in the moment. My in-laws had a son whom the doctors told them that he wasn't going to live long and would have all sorts of health problems. Each and every school year, they were told by the teachers and administration that he wouldn't be able to go on to the next grade. Yet he graduated college with an associate's degree in communications. He lived a good life even though he suffered from rheumatoid and arthritis along with other health issues, finally succumbing to a heart attack in his 30's. We were heartbroken when he died.
One detail about the first call that i find so profound and infuriating was how she mentioned they went to counseling to work through what happened, NOT because it happened, but she couldnt be intimate anymore and wanted to work through how to go back to satisfying her sexual abuser. This woman worked so hard to make her marriage work, and she has every right to sing her story from the rooftops, reframe her own story from what she'd initially told others and probably herself as well.
John, what a beautiful way to encourage this man. What a way to walk beside him. Every successful 30 days of finding healthier coping skills to replace the selfsabatoge of alchohol being your only coping skill you will contribute to your community through me. WOW! Each day he will wake up knowing he has an opportunity to help the brothers and sisters of the siblings who have no clue how to help them because of his financial contribution to his community facilitated by you. With that extra motivation he may be able to model new coping skills for his own brother. His brother may never articulate to him how closely he is watching him clear the path out of the wilderness they have both been walking since childhood. He is watching. Just imagine how clear that path will be for others when he and his brother are walking side by side clearing it for their next generation.
The last caller had a similar story to my mom. After I got married less than a year ago, I could tell she was sad because she cried when I visited and she told me for the first weeks she cried to bed. I love my mom so much I want her to be truly happy. I’m so blessed to have had an amazing SAHM ❤ she’s my role model
I felt the same way....my rape wasn't as bad as other people's rape. When in reality like he said, trauma is trauma. And having the one man in your world who should never...who you thought WOULD NEVER. Destroys you when he becomes the monster he should have been protecting me from. It's sad hearing it come from someone else. How she frames it in her mind. Makes me so sad for her and myself and women or men who deal with this type of trauma
The first woman needs to understand narcissism, so she doesn't get prayed on by another abusive bully. Sounds like she's learned a lot, but she deserves so much better. Wishing her a much better relationship/marriage ahead.
I said no once and went to sleep. I woke up to find my ex on top of me inside me. After I said no he waited for me to go to sleep and did what he wanted.
Agreed but it sounds like he did. The thing I was curious about but I can understand maybe he didn't think it was his place to ask but there was no mention of whether he ever did this again, had they had some sort of sexual/intimacy life after that or while they were dating or in honeymoon? She doesn't even mention this? At the end she talks about having told her family but only brothers have been reasonably supportive. John explores this briefly and again,I suspect he didn't want to pry but I sort of read this call differently bc of her stated reason for calling which she said was that she was struggling with whether to share the abusive situation with others so I figured she means his family and friends n bers. Like John said, what really would be the point in sharing it with his. Is she expecting to stay in touch with them n feels she needs them to know? She didn't say that? She doesn't have it in the divorce record for whatever reason n perhaps legit n it sounds like she already told her family so what exactly is she asking and why? She is lucky they do not have kids so there's nothing age appropriate she has to explain to them as they age. It's a pretty clean break but I'd suggest some continued therapy if she's been going to deal not just with this but whatever childhood abuse she was dancing around n the very painful hurt n gaslighting she may have experienced from her Mom n sisters at a minimum. I wish I didn't hear numerous and even seen first hand so many women who lie about stuff n who's intentions are not as pure as they seem bc it really takes away.from the so called believe all women mantra. That is not to say that I don't believe her either. Just unsettling call for sure.
@@brandykshe sounds completely abused in the past. You can hear the complete pain in her voice and like he mentions as well, she dances around the questions and dissociates so she doesn’t answer the questions. It can be empowering to let friends know what happened. I sure hope she heals and gets empowered over the abuse she suffered
Was with an alcoholic for 9 years, and I was(am) co-dependent. Four years later, I still can't let anyone in. There's some narcissistic tendencies with many alcoholics, and it hooked me in a rock-bottom way.
Keep working on your healing journey. I've been working on mine for well over 20 years. It does get better, but it's HARD work. I have found that without the hard work this isn't much victory. So keep at it, you will succeed one day at a time.
I used to relate so much to the first woman's story. So grateful for the healthy relationship i have today. Good for you beautiful! You deserve so much better!!!❤
I’m so grateful for every lesson on consent I got growing up 🧡 lots of people really think they are entitled to their spouses bodies with or without permission, but that is not true 🧡 I hope that woman is healing and doing well 🧡 something I wish I had been told when I was younger is that it’s okay to end relationships with toxic family members 🧡
And now you can pass that wisdom on to others so they can learn from your experiences without having to experience them themselves. I, too, had to sever relationships with toxic family members. But I didn't discover it until my father, angry at me, started taking his anger out on my young sons. There was no physical violence, instead it was the silent treatment on 2 young children that had no idea what was going on. Fortunately, I saw it in the moment and cut ties quickly as I knew it could and would escalate if I didn't "come back into the delusional fold." I didn't, but it was heartbreaking when the rest of the family insisted that I was the one in the wrong.
The first caller's husband have something from cluster B, narcissism or psychopaty. The moment we got married.... Yes when they know they got you they change. We should learn in schools about these kinds of people, people can't rap their head around them because they are different.
Marie, I get it. I swear I could have been you in that same call. I also was told my sweet baby girl wouldnt live to be 2yrs old. Next month she will 24 yrs old. Every day, every thought , went to keep my daughter alive but to also give her all the experiences her life could handle. I get all the feelings you are feeling. In my case I finally could release all those years of fear, not becasue she was cured, but because she made it to a point in her life I could have only hoped and prayed for. I was given no hope but she did it! We did it! Take a moment to exhale. Be joyful your daughter made it to this huge step! I have to tell you, wait until she gives you your first grandchild. That is a sweetness I cou;d never imagine for her! Cry, but also cry some of those tears with joy for her achieving this huge step! Congratulations!
Thank you! This was so important! Thank you for seeing it was even worse without her even saying it! To many call you out for an non existing evidence... You saw the ecidence in her behaviour. Thank you for seeing her!
I feel for you. I was in an abusive marriage for 5 years. I speak openly abd honestly. He wishes I would keep quiet because he cares about his inage in society but for me to heal completely part of the healing is talking about what happened. One tkme he kicked me so hard that I still have problems. He threw keys at me misding my eye. I was afraud of him. I was one of the lucky ones that actually got out. He was is a monster
This sounds like my life story but I'm a nearly 40 year survival, I kept it so quietly that now its a shock to the very few close older Christian women that keep me in prayer. Its sooo painful my Dr. Tolled me that my heart beat was so weak it almost stop beating...😢
Like Dr John said, our bodies can self destruct if we ignore the warning signs. I, too am healing from denied reality. Have been on my journey for over 20 years now. But I'm a lot healthier and happier than I was before. It takes a lot of guts and persistence to work through it. But it is SO worth it!
My sons are grown and married. But when they were teenagers/young adults, they would go so frustrated with something I would say or do that they already knew how to do. "Mom! we KNOW how to do whatever!!" And I would apologize to them, saying, "It took me YEARS to learn how to be a Mom and now that I'm good at it I have to work myself out of the job." And it's true, the most important job I will ever have was being a Mom. Now I belong to a church that I'm 40 years older than my pastor and when I kept showing up, I discovered that i was at least 30 years older the the rest of the people there. So I became Mama pretty quickly to any and all who wanted one. Now that our church has grown in numbers there are lots of ages involved. But the small group of original members still call me Mama or sometimes Grandma. I have never felt so loved and accepted by any group of people as I have with my church "kids."
When I came close to death with typhoid, I received a message from my deceased mother and grandmother that I had to get myself to the hospital and get away from my husband or I would die. I hadn't really faced the 14 years of psychological, emotional, and financial abuse, as well as attempted physical abuse of my children. I protected them but not myself. Some say I was having hallucinations due to high fever. I know it was real and I immediately did what they told me to do. After 2 weeks in the hospital, I took my kids and left.
That last - yeah. So Dr John said I wish there were more in the world - hope he understands - there are! They generally aren’t the ones calling in though so it can seem there aren’t many. From my view, we’re everywhere. Going through tough things, focused on doing good for the kids or the people around us.
That second caller is exactly what my sister went through, and she always thought it was her fault, FOR 13 YEARS! The only reason she not with him now is because he left her for his ex that was trying to convince her that all 3 of them could have a relationship. We all now think they were planning to kill her, because he was trying to get alot of her property in his name, it was strange, and we didn't know much of anything that was going on until they were apart and she started opening up to me.
Miranda mentioned that she had run into overtime, mutual friend of theirs, and she said it didn't go well. I assume that means the person confronted her, and that she didn't this other person what had happened to her. It's very hard to stay silent when people on the periphery come into your space and challenge something that is none of their business. An explanation is not something that is owed to these ppl, so DO talk to a counselor also about what you can do or say when people have the nerve to confront you about the situation, and who are not entitled to know
I needed to hear this. I have a very similar story to hers and i always separated myself from what actually happened, but hearing her story and hearing you give her the validation she needed it broke me down. I found videos of me on my exes phone that he had taken while i was sleeping. He was doing horrific things to me in my sleep and i didnt know. When i found the videos i was in shock it was like i couldnt believe what i was looking at. We lived together and i wasnt making enough money at the time to move out on my own so i just kept it to myself and didnt tell anyone. Time passed and things got worse, and started turning abusive. Finally one night i it got bad and the cops were called and there was a female cop that i felt comfortable enough to tell what i found. I still dont feel comfortable calling it by what it was because this is someone i lived with and i had loved. The police officer was telling me i needed to press charges and what he was doing was considered rape, but i excused it because this is someone that i was willingly sleeping and living with. Anyway, this video helped me to realize that perhaps i also dissassociated myself from the situation as well.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I knew someone who was in a similar situation over 40 years ago. She almost didn't make it out alive. She had a female cop come and tell her that she never had to deal with the guy again as he committed $U1CID3.
Last caller: before i got married my mother (single mom who's whole identity was 'I sacrifice for my kids') told me "I'm feeling sad at the idea of you getting married because that is when I will be truly alone."
There is nothing more frustrating, disgusting or disturbing than to hear these stories about abuse and find out the mother of the abused woman has not believed and called her child a liar and ultimately turned her back on her child! This makes my blood boil! I’m sorry. But every sorry excuse for a mother that has done this to her child should be thrown in prison for extreme child neglect, even though her child is now an adult. When you have a child that is a gift from God, and God is trusting you with that precious gift! So if you fail at your job as a mother then you should have VERY SEVERE, EXTENSIVE CONSEQUENCES!!!
Wow, that sounds like just like my ex husband only he never apologized for raping me the whole 10 years we were together. I have 2 kids with the monster and left just over a year ago. Now my kids are alienated from me. So glad you got out and didn't have kids with him! Good for you girl. I wish I could have been as string as you. The final straw for me has developing epilepsy. The seizures stopped almost immediately after I left and when I was safe enough to confess to my neurologist that I was in an abusive relationship, she confirmed the abuse was the cause.
To the Christian lady that decided to divorce, you were hoping that he would change. So what eventually happens to women that stay in these situations, they eventually become afflicted with some kind of illness, Hey count yourself Free,of the bad baggage and allow the Lord to mend you. You did the right thing.
Parents let your children go when they marry. Don’t be co dependant on them. They are individual selves with ambitions and aspirations and their own little journey called life. My mil didn’t let her son go until we moved 800 miles away 14 years into marriage. Wasted time. Should’ve moved immediately. Would’ve saved me a lot of pain.
The first caller sounds like my firat and only marriage. He did the same things. He has since been married, and i worry for her every day. he was just like this. No making out before marriage being christian and then forcing it after marriage. Calling me crazy. I feel for her. It's not easy to unwrap your mind, and I hope she discontinues discrediting what she's gone through. I was date raped felt crappy about myself and got married to someone a dated for a year. And she did the same physical actions and it was way worse than date rape. Partner rape is real and its confusing because you married the person. I hope good things for her to come.
This sounds like the typical narcissist and co-dependent relationship. She needs to get some counseling. Even her explanation about why she is not comfortable with using the word rape in connection with her husband's sexual abuse screams co-dependent. Covering for him also, is typical. I am convinced the way you treat a narcissist is to go no contact, if possible, they don't change. He is gaslighting her and he is not going to change, and she needs to be aware of his flying monkeys too. She is using words like gaslighting and so that tells me she has figured out he is a narcissist, now she needs help healing from her trauma. Hopefully she will get some understanding about narcissism and co-dependency, so she does not make the same mistake with the next person she gets into a relationship with. The fact that her family is not so supportive does not surprise me. I figured there had to be some trauma in her past or even childhood in order for her to be so co-dependent. I am so happy to hear she is seeing a counselor. I hope it is someone who can recognize what is going on here.
This caller might like a book called Untangled by Terri Savelle Foy. Now, that author has a rep for being sort of prosperity Bibleish, like a Christian motivational speaker… on the TH-cam funnel circuit l, but her books are right on and Untangle is amazing. It has served many women who were in this type of relationship. I gave it as a gift to a dear friend of mine when her marriage went haywire and bad drugs entered her husband’s mind frame. Similar story to this caller. I have no idea if caller’s man was on drugs but … my friend said the book was like therapy and helped her feel less alone and more understood. If it could help here, I’d send this gal a copy.
Sad to say but this happens so iften happens in Christian environments. They expect the wives to be compluant and submissive, but the men get away with just about anything. Its shocking
I don't think so. She's spent her past 26 years releasing her child little by little to experience all the joy and pain that comes with a life limiting condition. An amazing Mom as far as I'm concerned. She called Dr John for advice in how to handle this life transition and he was impressed. So I think, with time, she'll learn to live a new normal. There are days that I. myself, have to deal with a new normal. Old age isn't for sissies.😅
Ultimately she is making the right decision to divorce and move on. I do think she needs to keep seeing a therapist to work through and to develop a plan for any future dating or relationship.
It's a very generous offer to make a donation in his name but maybe consider making the donation to his community instead? That way it can directly benefit him as well as others? Just a thought😊
It would be great if there were a way to alert other women about these men. I think it was tried before but it had to be shut down bc angry women made false accusations. Too bad.
The first call broke my heart. I am also that new wife. Same story. The violence and the silence followed me through the years. I send you my love.
My heart goes out to you. Praying you have found your way to safety, peace and happiness.
I had a mother-in-law who never gave up thinking she was the first woman in her son’s life. I vowed never to be like her when my sons married. I love the women my sons chose sometimes more than my sons. They are amazing women and have given us our grandchildren. I have kept my vow since I know what it is like to have the negativity in my life.
Same
Same
Same 😀
I so relate…my healing journey is to become the best version of me-not following in my mom’s patterns or my former MIL either-both were f’d up. I messed up with my family due to toxicity on both sides, but those behaviors change with me!
I can understand Kellys comments re understandings better how her mother in law felt but while I can appreciate her love for her son I think people need to realize that alot of this child centric almost obsessed parenthood that has been prevalent on the US anyway the last generation or so has some very bad downsides that some have been able to outline to a degree. Their is such a thing as the law of unintended consequences and people seeming to feel they need to out do one another in their quest to seem closer to their children n do for them more than is often healthy. Add to it the fact that people have been having far fewer children and some even have one, especially if it's a boy,many women are setting themselves and their son's and future daughter in-law for more difficulty than it ordinarily would be,as it is if course somewhat natural. If it's a divorced mom or single mom everything being equal it will be even worse. The best thing you can do for your child in addition to loving n supporting them is to maintain some sort of relationship with adults be it friends, neighbors, family... ideally a little of each. Your kids will like one quicker to see you as a burden if you do not or don't even try. Hobbies n interests outside of your kids make you a well rounded person and actually improve your relationship with kids n significant others. Yes there are circumstances and seasons where this will take a backseat but too many women hide out behind their kids. Some even have them for this reason.
I hope the first caller knows her trauma is significant and I am so sorry it happened to her. I hope she finds healing. So glad she got out of there.
For the woman with the ex-husband who was abusive. I’ve been there and I pray that you find healing! Making a decision to leave and be safe is ALWAYS the right answer. 🙏🏼
I heard a bunch of buzzwords from that lady... gaslighting, toxic, abuse...all coming from her friends...talk about toxic
If your spouse is abusive, it's best to separate at least, and divorce if necessary. But Miranda didn't ever answer a single question from John, and he still ate it up. I'm sure her H was no good, but it also seems like she's lying and exaggerating and twisting things to what she thinks is her advantage. She never says what her H did, other than a very vague "forced himself on me against my will" then adding "well, it doesn't really fit what most people would think of as that"? I mean, either he did or he didn't, and she can't say that's really what happened.
Idk, I grew up in a household of women that were like that, and they absolutely sounded just like this, so I'm perhaps more sensitive to it than most. Not saying the H was great, and pure as the driven snow, just noting what caught my ear.
@@KivlorI am a female n something seemed off about this call. Of course I do not know what trauma manifests itself as in people's speech patterns n communication style so who knows. But I also believe John is always inclined to believe everyone especially in a situation like this n one might say why would she lie. This show has gained popularity and people who listen may now know what he is likely to say n they may have more reason than just getting advice for their own reasons some legit n some less so. I'm not saying this woman is out n out lying bc I don't know but people are foolish if they think no one has it will. Those who can related to her story n so just believe her are no more correct in doing so. Their pain n their experience is theirs and it's sad to think that there are people who make things up but there really are. I think Johns advice was good regardless n I would have suggested some longer term therapy to deal with the things she mentions or alludes to.
As a medical professional I will say, What some people don't understand is that alcohol withdrawal is physiologically just as bad as a heroin withdrawal. The things the body goes through is horrendous and the person can die. That's why a lot of people choose to drink just to stabilize themselves by having a drink before withdrawal begins because it's unbearable. And the person needs medical attention.
I was just reading last night about this. I have always known dying was possible. What I didn't know until I was reading was that less than 10% of people develop the condition that causes death with alcohol withdrawal. Then only around 3 % of the 10% group actually dies from the condition.
I read that basically alcoholics are given benzos and have their vitals checked.
What else can you tell me about detox?
I'm trying to learn more because of my husband.
You are Right! Withdrawal from alcohol is life threatening.
In 32 years of what began as light, then went to moderate after 4 or 5 years, and then gradually turned into heavy drinking, I tried to quit many, many times and was successful for 6 months one time, and nearly a year another time, with weeks, or a month sprinkled in throughout the years. However, the more years I drank, the worse and more terrifying the withdrawals became and I had to drink to try and hold the withdrawals at bay. I never could afford rehab, and since I probably wasn't really ready to quit all of those other times before I finally was ready, a 30 day program, or even longer would most likely not have worked because I wasn't there yet.
I was never hospitalized for alcohol poisoning, car accidents, or anything alcohol related. Finally, right after I turned 50, I went through 4 days of really bad withdrawals and detox at home, and I'm happy to say that I've been sober for 15 years.
Of course, life didn't become perfect when I quit drinking, but I did find out that life can be really good after alcohol, and I honestly have not missed drinking once I made up my mind to really quit and actually did it.
@@brittany7573 Since I don't know about your husband's overall health (about 12 years before I gave up drinking once and for all, my husband took me to a really good doctor he knew and had a bunch of tests done in an attempt to stop me from drinking, however, both he and the doctor were shocked that the tests all came back perfectly normal, with no signs of liver damage even after 20 years of drinking at that point. I guess I hadn't totally messed up my health yet), I'd recommend he not try to detox himself unless he doesn't have health issues besides what alcohol causes (diabetes, heart issues, high blood pressure, etc, and if he has other issues, he might be better being monitored in a hospital. If he detoxes at home, he could at least be prescribed Librium, a tranquilizer that smooths out anxiety when detoxing. I didn't have any when I detoxed for the last time, but I did drink a lot of water, I took arsenicum and nux vomica pellets (ask your health food store about those pellets or you can order online), I also drank ginger ale, and I ate saltine crackers and bread to try and tamp down the nausea. Then I just suffered through the withdrawal symptoms for the next several days.
I know I drank to try and make my brain stop racing, and to try and manage my anxiety, and my OCD, but once I stopped drinking the anxiety and OCD issues dissapated to a higher degree.
@@brittany7573 the best place to withdraw from alcohol is in a hospital setting. There are medications given to prevent seizures, Delirium tremons, some may have hypertension, hallucinations, severe headaches.
I learned even uf he only abused me 10 owrcent if the time and the rest if the time he didn't abuse me IT IS STILL AN ABUSIVE MARRIAGE
Jeez Louis! I'm over here crying my eyes out for these callers. Wow. 😢 Thanks for being so kind to these sweet people.
14:53 I was this woman. I lived with my (ex husband) abuser for 30 years. I’m currently in trauma therapy to deal with everything. Starting a new life is hard at 54. My body made me allergic to everything in and around the house to the point I needed an epipen. Family took his side and I had to do everything alone.
I'm so sorry for your struggle with this without any support It's not to late to find others who will stand by you while you stand with them. Healing from this type of trauma is a journey. One step at a time dear one and you will find with each step, even the steps back you take in the moment can lead to knowledge and strength you didn't know you were capable of. And when you've been successful in you own healing, you have the empathy that others that have not walked your path don't have. That empathy can help reach others who are wounded, because you've been there. I pray peace for you on your journey to health.
Me too, I breakout in hives randomly. I am trying to get out with 3 kids right now.
That me! Working on divorcing him.
Last call is exactly why it is so important for mothers, especially SAHM, to have an identity outside of their children. Hobbies and purpose are important for everyone but so many moms lose their identity to their job as a mom.
True but since her kid was chronically ill she really had no other choice at the time. That's a whole different ball game. But the good news is she can start today to build something and hopefully she has a supportive husband during it. ❤
@@blueseptember2174💯
Having a medically complex child is COMPLETELY different. Our lives literally revolve around them because every ounce of their care depends on us. Often you don't have time for any other identity. If you haven't lived it, you don't have room to speak on it.
@@lisaowens1664 I didn't mean it as an insult at all. I cannot imagine what she went through. I would even argue its even more important for a mother with a chronically ill child to find small amounts of time for herself. I know that's easier said than done but I believe it's important so I hope those who are in these positions are able to do so.
@@blueseptember2174 Oh absolutely! Life is hard and I just think it's so important for everyone to find time for themselves so they don't burn themselves out mentally and physically.
4:59 Rape upon a partner is worse. The stranger doesn’t tell you he loves you, or pretends to care. You’re not expected to be loving towards your stranger rapist afterwards.
Yeah
I can’t even imagine being a victim of a stranger but I have been forced by my husband. To me a stranger would be way worse.
After going to a lawyer and being asked if I had been r*ped, is when I realized it was recognized as a thing within marriage, he never did that again. I’ve healed but it was hurtful for about a year after it happened.
I got divorced, when I really believed my body would not survive five more years with the hell stress of the mental abuse.
What is mental abuse? Isn't that subjective? My brother's wife said he was mentally abusive because he would get mad at her for not getting out of bed and going to work...then she lost her job and so he said well at least clean the house...she refused and cited that it was mental abuse.
That is a very shallow statement.@@FlappyBelly
@@elainenilsson5472 How so? Mental abuse is a wide spectrum (according to women). It certainly isn't calling someone a name or telling them they are lazy or something. Men would call mental abuse refusing to have sex when they want and women would call mental abuse when their husband tells them they've gained weight. Both are absurd.
@FlappyBelly Grow the F up. Don't respond to me.
My fibromyalgia got really bad during an abusive relationship. There was some violence, but mostly it was the steady verbal abuse and constant head games that made me so tense I was barely eating, and I started smoking like a chimney. My pre existing pain condition became unmanageable, and I could find no joy or peace in my days.
Emotional Flashbacks, Disassociation, also known as PTSD
I have severe trauma from violent abuse and serious trauma from a cheating partner (cheated with 20+ people). My trauma will not leave. I just started EMDR therapy and for the first time in my life I can physically feel my body reacting to the therapy. I had completely given up after decades of every therapy you can imagine. My therapist learned EMDR therapy from the guy who came up with it. Find a good EMDR therapist who knows how to do it right! Good luck.
So much so much love for the first caller
I love that Dr. John brought up the seasonal side effect of Pittsburgh and how dark it is. I live in the Midwest and it is not easy for an addict during the winter. Sometimes you feel like you’re going crazy just to make it through the day. You deserve happiness. There are many addictions out there but alcoholism and substance abuse of any sort has the biggest stigma around it. Thank you for helping your brother. It takes a lot to step forward and say you have an issue too. Much love!!
First call, my heart breaks for her. The truth does set us free, but it's really hard at first. It will get better. So many women in faith cultures, suffer.
And so do men whose wives cry rape and consider an argument abuse
Dr John, you have a very eternally rewarding job brother! What gifts you have! The gift of listening + weeping with those who weep is evident in you.
I relate to this woman so much. I didn’t know there was a creature called a narcissist. I was a middle child/oldest daughter, and had parents that expected obedience. I said no, I don’t have to one time and paid the consequences. So what I learned was not to say no. Which made me very vulnerable to the narcissist i met later.
At first it was fun. Then he complained about my curfew. And then since my mom tended kids but his mom worked out of the home at a department store, I was told time with them was more important. And I was regularly home late.
My mom was “tough love” and started telling me if I wasn’t home on time I would have to move out, because of my preteen younger sisters and the example I was setting.
I was caught in the middle until a difficult evening with the narcissist left me out until early morning trying to negotiate with him. It was more than curfews at this point. It was the night before thanksgiving.
My mom called their house where I was and said to come home or i was to move out. I was exhausted with the pressure from every direction and didn’t go home.
In a few days I found an apartment and stopped after work when my dad wasn’t home and picked up all my stuff.
I don’t blame my mom as much as I realize she was as clueless as I was about narcissists. I was never rebellious and she was our main parent.
My dad thought he knew what he was doing, but what he thought were family counsels were really long exhaustive lectures that were endless and we mentally checked out until he was satisfied that he had made his point and we were released.
I was perfectly crafted for a narcissist.
And where narcissists tend to be successful, mine was not because he was coddled by his mother and protected from anything uncomfortable. His only other sibling was a sister 7 years younger.
The judging started towards my parents first. And gradually at me personally. And after the Thanksgiving event, I lost my support system. With the exception of people I worked with. But I mostly kept stuff to myself.
I rode the bus and didn’t have a car.
After three years we figured we either need to break up or get married. I was religious and still a virgin, so you know. We chose marriage and my family was allowed to participate. I realize now it’s because of the “appearance” to those who didn’t know the details.
It lasted 13 years. I was not just emotionally abused but physically. We had three children. First two sons that were not planned because I didn’t like taking even an aspirin for a headache. And I started squishing bugs in the house instead of getting them on a paper and delivering them outside.
My daughter was planned and it was after he had finally gotten a job. I was the backbone that was holding everything together.
I have flipped the bird off two times in my life and both were at him. I still didn’t have my own car and my work wasn’t near a bus route. After chewing me out about not helping him get a job, I had been silent in the car but when I got out I passed in front and flipped him off. He didn’t come to pick me up.
I still didn’t have my family in my life. So I called his parents. They came about 7:00 pm. In the car I started saying, “I’m so tired of him hurting me…”. His mom said, “I saw scratches on his arms…”. I shut up. Then I realized on tv, victims of murder, they identify their murderers by dna under their fingernails. I was not among friends. I already knew that, but then it became a stark reality.
His mom and sister were always taking the children (his sister had a couple of her own) on outings during the day. Shopping and excursions. I eventually realized they were elevating themselves on how good they were. One time they were complaining about bringing them back to my work to go home (we lived across the valley) and grandma was saying about better hurry so I didn’t complain (I typically was done at work and didn’t know where my kids were and had to track them down. No cell phones and my
main source of joy was having my children, and it had been a long day). My daughter who was perhaps four said, “ my mom works hard”. Grandma told her “She just sits in a chair and has fun all day.” I think my daughter was telling me what grandma had said before the door was shut.
Long story short, I started having “bruises appearing above my right knee. Our fights were a pattern of every six weeks (Not my female cycle). I secretly made an appointment with a doctor I had never seen and told him about the bruises and my situation.
He said they were bruises. I can’t remember what he called them. But I believe it’s exactly what you said here, that my body was reaching out and sending emergency signals. He gave me a bag full of anxiety pill samples.
I then started meeting with my own counselor in my work building and found out what a narcissist was.
Eventually he was served divorce papers. He moved out the next week. Convinced our clergy that until he could get his own place could he keep meeting with him.
He never got his own place (lived at parents), and literally was beginning to entrap the clergy into his lies.
Luckily I met the man of my dreams right before the floor fell out from me.
My sons were alienated from me by his persuasiveness of “poor me”, and “it’s your mom that wanted this@, and they began misbehaving badly. And I started getting warned about abusing them, making any discipline impossible. I let them go because I knew I had lost and if I let them go I would maybe be able to retain my daughter.
I now had to pay child support for the boys as well as costs to maintain my home. I had $150 after the utilities and house payment etc were paid. I asked the counselor about turning off the phone. She said not a good idea if you have a minor in the home.
So that was $70. Leaving me with $80 for food, clothing, paying for great visits with my sons that they had become accustomed to. And everything else besides utilities and house payments. (And I got 2/3 of the credit card debt because I had a job; but interestingly I had never even used a credit card. There were five credit cards and payments over $500).
I got engaged and got married within a week to a man that I had known two months.
Interestingly after I sold my home I went part time and had more money in MY pocket even though I was paying child support.
Visitation with my sons didn’t last long because they obviously were being coached and they were very demanding and insulting. I decided that my only control was to not allow them to get in the habit of treating me or any other person that way. I didn’t see them until 13 years the younger one reached out because his therapist encouraged me. He told me I was a “shitty parent” and then paid for pizza for dinner. Luckily I bit my tongue.
It took the older one about four more years.
It’s better. But I don’t have what my neighbors have. Traditions are not there. I can’t plan on Christmas parties and Thanksgiving or 4th of July parties.
My daughter is messed up because she was between us and learned to manipulate. Dishonesty. And she’s an adult now and is in trouble with the courts. Her husband stands behind her and she’s trying to purge herself and get through her legal troubles.
(By the way my parents were not an option. I knew if I went there I would be expected to pay rent, as well as pay my mom for babysitting because I would still have to work to pay them rent. And while my butt was in the chair working, my ex would have been pounding on their door to see his kids. Not much better than where I was at already.)
I was blessed to find my husband when I needed someone. At the end of my rope. When we first met I didn’t see how bad it was going to get or how quickly. And it turns out my husband needed me as bad as I needed him. He had been cheated on by two previous wives. And I am very, very faithful.
I am not angry at my parents. I am glad they didn’t raise me to be entitled. And I am very honest and trustworthy. My dad just “overstepped the mark.” My mom wasn’t as happy as she could have been if he had been more affectionate and giving. But she taught me responsibility. And I knew she loved me. And was proud of 22:06 me. I had high standards.
That's me! 43yrs of dealing with an Alcholic that dose not remember the next day! My adult kids finely said to me to file for a divorce.
“ comparing trauma…..” thank you, thank you, thank you thank you!
💯
This whole episode. 💔 My heart goes out to every caller. I’ve only been listening to John for a month or two but he’s such a supportive and helpful professional. Thank you
Miranda, I did the same thing. I never told my family what was really going on in my marriage, I was afraid to tell because I wanted my family to like him, desperately. Also, when I left, I spoke well of him to others, and I ALSO didn't disclose to my divorce lawyer what was really going on. 😢 I regret this big time. I hope the best for you moving on!
Work on your self worth and self love. Our lack of this is what keeps us in a relationship that is so destructive to us and our autonomy. It's death by a thousand cuts. It's hell on earth. My ex claimed to be a Christian but he tricked me into marriage and NEVER thought I'd leave....but I did!
I'm on the road to self discovery and learning about red flags, boundaries, how to say no and stick by that as well as speaking up for myself no matter WHAT others think. I know me best, but my ex was determined to break me down until I DIDNT trust myself~ mission almost accomplished!
❤
Big hugs!
I’m glad you were brave enough to get out and protect yourself ❤
Good for you to climb out and realize before it got too late. More power to you! Love that already you are encouraging others to find sanity and safety. I think that shows how positive you are now that you can be sure that negative influence may have been holding you back from a liveable life. You gave such great advice and understanding.
Yikes...you sound like mental disaster
@@emilyemily6316Being an asshole is not abuse...nor is arguing or not giving you your way
I love the question at the end for adult children: “how can I love you in this new season?” Brilliant!!
Love Deloney’s response when one brother calls in on alcohol for his bro and winds up revealing his own struggle. Showing the empathy and strength in the struggle… could be so powerful. Telling his bro how he doesn’t want the hurt he’s claimed over those burned relationships to hit the bro the same way… could be really supportive.
This was a very powerful episode. My Love and prayers for every caller. May they all receive the comfort, healing, support and encouragement they need.
Min 37...doc., you made me cry! That's awesome! Your words & encouragement to that man will hopefully carry him through sobriety ❤
Miranda sounds like she was raised in a very religious household. I am proud that she's learning a woman is more than her birthing & homemaking worth
Yeah, most of these stories seem to come from "religious" families and communities: be it christian, muslim or any other. I can't think of any cases where religion and tradition helped individual, family or community actually thrive, i always see individuals and groups shackled by it
@@josephmbimbiit helps men control
Amen Kelli. It is so hard! I am a 6 boy Momma.Son #4 getting married in 63 days. Wonderful and devastating at the same time.
Why…
@@sezstamorae9004 Because as a Momma she is gradually working herself out of her job as a Mom. It used to be called empty nest syndrome.
Thanks to caller #2, my cousin is also struggling with alcoholism and almost died this summer. Despite his rock bottom, he continues to drink. I plan to send him a letter and pray he’s ready for change.
Thank you for standing in support of the young divorcee who was seriously sexually and emotionally abused. I pray she finds her value and worth. And that her identity as a woman becomes healthy and personally her own.
Ugh, I was that wife too......I got out within a little over a year, and never looked back. He was a sociopath; sounds like her husband is as well. So glad that lady got out; God bless her.
All these calls are amazing! Really proud of caller number two the guy drinking and his brother talk about courage
Kudos to Christopher, it takes a lot to admit and see flaws within oneself. Hope the best for you and your brother. May God give you the strength to overcome alcoholism and become sober.
The conversation with the mom was excellent. Very helpful. Thx John.
To the heart mama, I HEAR YOU!!! My daughter has what I would guess to be the same CHD's/liver issues. She's about 10 years younger, but it's HARD as they start to grow up and (thankfully) not need us as much. We've lived our lives in much the same way, no holds barred, no bubbles, to the fullest. I needed to hear this call, so THANK YOU!
caller, Marie, is so awesome ❤ 😢 with you. May God continue to bless you and your daughter.
It's so beautiful how Kelly so clearly articulated those controversial feelings of having your child get married and have that spouse be "the most important". It is right, it's how it's supposed to be, but it's so lovely she's acknowledging that without dismissing her own feelings
Call 1 : based on my experience, yes people who care deserve an explaination, and people who are curious need an information as for you to keep your public image under control (as far as possible).
" I decided to divorce because my ex-husband was not the man I had been engaged to. He showed up abusive full scope just few days into the marriage. That's all you need to know. And I do what it takes to heal and rebuild my sense of self worth. I appreciate your concerns. Thank you" . Hearing yourself saying this outloud is an affirmation of who you are becoming
Isn't this just empty nest syndrome? (Last caller) I went through great sadness when each child left home. Take heart. As time passes, the sadness lessens.😊,
That's my thought. However, this Mom had to balance the extreme medical dependance that her daughter needed and after caring for her for 26 years, knowing that at any time she could die, is a lot more traumatic empty nest syndrome that the normal kind. Dr John did a very good job working through it with her. Up to this point she has had to be on basically "high alert" for 26 years. I only had to be on "high alert" when one of my children were injured in the moment.
My in-laws had a son whom the doctors told them that he wasn't going to live long and would have all sorts of health problems. Each and every school year, they were told by the teachers and administration that he wouldn't be able to go on to the next grade. Yet he graduated college with an associate's degree in communications. He lived a good life even though he suffered from rheumatoid and arthritis along with other health issues, finally succumbing to a heart attack in his 30's. We were heartbroken when he died.
One detail about the first call that i find so profound and infuriating was how she mentioned they went to counseling to work through what happened, NOT because it happened, but she couldnt be intimate anymore and wanted to work through how to go back to satisfying her sexual abuser. This woman worked so hard to make her marriage work, and she has every right to sing her story from the rooftops, reframe her own story from what she'd initially told others and probably herself as well.
John, what a beautiful way to encourage this man. What a way to walk beside him. Every successful 30 days of finding healthier coping skills to replace the selfsabatoge of alchohol being your only coping skill you will contribute to your community through me. WOW! Each day he will wake up knowing he has an opportunity to help the brothers and sisters of the siblings who have no clue how to help them because of his financial contribution to his community facilitated by you. With that extra motivation he may be able to model new coping skills for his own brother. His brother may never articulate to him how closely he is watching him clear the path out of the wilderness they have both been walking since childhood. He is watching. Just imagine how clear that path will be for others when he and his brother are walking side by side clearing it for their next generation.
The last caller had a similar story to my mom. After I got married less than a year ago, I could tell she was sad because she cried when I visited and she told me for the first weeks she cried to bed. I love my mom so much I want her to be truly happy. I’m so blessed to have had an amazing SAHM ❤ she’s my role model
Miranda I am so sorry this happened to you. Be strong hang in there. There is life after abuse like this. You're strong and worth having a happy life.
This mom is so beautiful. I'm in tears 😭
I felt the same way....my rape wasn't as bad as other people's rape. When in reality like he said, trauma is trauma. And having the one man in your world who should never...who you thought WOULD NEVER. Destroys you when he becomes the monster he should have been protecting me from. It's sad hearing it come from someone else. How she frames it in her mind. Makes me so sad for her and myself and women or men who deal with this type of trauma
And there can be healing in the journey for yourself. No matter what he (or she) does.
The first woman needs to understand narcissism, so she doesn't get prayed on by another abusive bully.
Sounds like she's learned a lot, but she deserves so much better.
Wishing her a much better relationship/marriage ahead.
Dr delony please address rape in marriage. A lot of men think that is not a thing .
He did? He said it is and how horrible it is in the first ten minutes
Yes. This would be a good message to continue to bring up and try to spread that information to more people.
I said no once and went to sleep. I woke up to find my ex on top of me inside me. After I said no he waited for me to go to sleep and did what he wanted.
Agreed but it sounds like he did. The thing I was curious about but I can understand maybe he didn't think it was his place to ask but there was no mention of whether he ever did this again, had they had some sort of sexual/intimacy life after that or while they were dating or in honeymoon? She doesn't even mention this? At the end she talks about having told her family but only brothers have been reasonably supportive. John explores this briefly and again,I suspect he didn't want to pry but I sort of read this call differently bc of her stated reason for calling which she said was that she was struggling with whether to share the abusive situation with others so I figured she means his family and friends n bers. Like John said, what really would be the point in sharing it with his. Is she expecting to stay in touch with them n feels she needs them to know? She didn't say that? She doesn't have it in the divorce record for whatever reason n perhaps legit n it sounds like she already told her family so what exactly is she asking and why? She is lucky they do not have kids so there's nothing age appropriate she has to explain to them as they age. It's a pretty clean break but I'd suggest some continued therapy if she's been going to deal not just with this but whatever childhood abuse she was dancing around n the very painful hurt n gaslighting she may have experienced from her Mom n sisters at a minimum. I wish I didn't hear numerous and even seen first hand so many women who lie about stuff n who's intentions are not as pure as they seem bc it really takes away.from the so called believe all women mantra. That is not to say that I don't believe her either. Just unsettling call for sure.
@@brandykshe sounds completely abused in the past. You can hear the complete pain in her voice and like he mentions as well, she dances around the questions and dissociates so she doesn’t answer the questions.
It can be empowering to let friends know what happened. I sure hope she heals and gets empowered over the abuse she suffered
Was with an alcoholic for 9 years, and I was(am) co-dependent. Four years later, I still can't let anyone in. There's some narcissistic tendencies with many alcoholics, and it hooked me in a rock-bottom way.
Keep working on your healing journey. I've been working on mine for well over 20 years. It does get better, but it's HARD work. I have found that without the hard work this isn't much victory. So keep at it, you will succeed one day at a time.
I used to relate so much to the first woman's story. So grateful for the healthy relationship i have today. Good for you beautiful! You deserve so much better!!!❤
Amen!
Im so so tired of being dismissed and minimized. 😮 Standing up for truth😮😅
I know what you mean!!! It's so 'draining '!!❤💪💚I got away just weeks ago💪⏳😍 I'm alone, and I'm better day by day, pluss I go to those groups..
I’m so grateful for every lesson on consent I got growing up 🧡 lots of people really think they are entitled to their spouses bodies with or without permission, but that is not true 🧡 I hope that woman is healing and doing well 🧡 something I wish I had been told when I was younger is that it’s okay to end relationships with toxic family members 🧡
And now you can pass that wisdom on to others so they can learn from your experiences without having to experience them themselves. I, too, had to sever relationships with toxic family members. But I didn't discover it until my father, angry at me, started taking his anger out on my young sons. There was no physical violence, instead it was the silent treatment on 2 young children that had no idea what was going on. Fortunately, I saw it in the moment and cut ties quickly as I knew it could and would escalate if I didn't "come back into the delusional fold." I didn't, but it was heartbreaking when the rest of the family insisted that I was the one in the wrong.
The first caller's husband have something from cluster B, narcissism or psychopaty. The moment we got married.... Yes when they know they got you they change. We should learn in schools about these kinds of people, people can't rap their head around them because they are different.
And today I learned about sexual coercion and emotional manipulation.
Marie, I get it. I swear I could have been you in that same call. I also was told my sweet baby girl wouldnt live to be 2yrs old. Next month she will 24 yrs old. Every day, every thought , went to keep my daughter alive but to also give her all the experiences her life could handle. I get all the feelings you are feeling. In my case I finally could release all those years of fear, not becasue she was cured, but because she made it to a point in her life I could have only hoped and prayed for. I was given no hope but she did it! We did it! Take a moment to exhale. Be joyful your daughter made it to this huge step! I have to tell you, wait until she gives you your first grandchild. That is a sweetness I cou;d never imagine for her! Cry, but also cry some of those tears with joy for her achieving this huge step! Congratulations!
Dr Delony is Good People.
Thank you! This was so important! Thank you for seeing it was even worse without her even saying it! To many call you out for an non existing evidence... You saw the ecidence in her behaviour. Thank you for seeing her!
I feel for you. I was in an abusive marriage for 5 years. I speak openly abd honestly. He wishes I would keep quiet because he cares about his inage in society but for me to heal completely part of the healing is talking about what happened. One tkme he kicked me so hard that I still have problems. He threw keys at me misding my eye. I was afraud of him. I was one of the lucky ones that actually got out. He was is a monster
I'm glad you got away and survived!! ❤😍💚🇧🇻👍❤
This sounds like my life story but I'm a nearly 40 year survival, I kept it so quietly that now its a shock to the very few close older Christian women that keep me in prayer. Its sooo painful my Dr. Tolled me that my heart beat was so weak it almost stop beating...😢
Like Dr John said, our bodies can self destruct if we ignore the warning signs. I, too am healing from denied reality. Have been on my journey for over 20 years now. But I'm a lot healthier and happier than I was before. It takes a lot of guts and persistence to work through it. But it is SO worth it!
You need to clip this conversation with Kelly and share it! I have several people that need to hear it.
My sons are grown and married. But when they were teenagers/young adults, they would go so frustrated with something I would say or do that they already knew how to do. "Mom! we KNOW how to do whatever!!" And I would apologize to them, saying, "It took me YEARS to learn how to be a Mom and now that I'm good at it I have to work myself out of the job." And it's true, the most important job I will ever have was being a Mom.
Now I belong to a church that I'm 40 years older than my pastor and when I kept showing up, I discovered that i was at least 30 years older the the rest of the people there. So I became Mama pretty quickly to any and all who wanted one. Now that our church has grown in numbers there are lots of ages involved. But the small group of original members still call me Mama or sometimes Grandma. I have never felt so loved and accepted by any group of people as I have with my church "kids."
When I came close to death with typhoid, I received a message from my deceased mother and grandmother that I had to get myself to the hospital and get away from my husband or I would die. I hadn't really faced the 14 years of psychological, emotional, and financial abuse, as well as attempted physical abuse of my children. I protected them but not myself. Some say I was having hallucinations due to high fever. I know it was real and I immediately did what they told me to do. After 2 weeks in the hospital, I took my kids and left.
So very sad, I know this walk of no one standing by you and believing in you and walking alone
And those of us who have had that experience can walk along with someone else who had no one to turn to, once we are healing from our hidden trauma.
Oh I'm so sorry baby love. Please get healing, your pain and trauma is real
That last - yeah. So Dr John said I wish there were more in the world - hope he understands - there are! They generally aren’t the ones calling in though so it can seem there aren’t many. From my view, we’re everywhere. Going through tough things, focused on doing good for the kids or the people around us.
I lived that life and it’s horrifying!!
That second caller is exactly what my sister went through, and she always thought it was her fault, FOR 13 YEARS! The only reason she not with him now is because he left her for his ex that was trying to convince her that all 3 of them could have a relationship. We all now think they were planning to kill her, because he was trying to get alot of her property in his name, it was strange, and we didn't know much of anything that was going on until they were apart and she started opening up to me.
Miranda mentioned that she had run into overtime, mutual friend of theirs, and she said it didn't go well. I assume that means the person confronted her, and that she didn't this other person what had happened to her. It's very hard to stay silent when people on the periphery come into your space and challenge something that is none of their business. An explanation is not something that is owed to these ppl, so DO talk to a counselor also about what you can do or say when people have the nerve to confront you about the situation, and who are not entitled to know
One reply that I have good luck with is when someone is criticizing my choices is, "Thank you for sharing." And then walk away.
This Dr. is amazing!
I needed to hear this. I have a very similar story to hers and i always separated myself from what actually happened, but hearing her story and hearing you give her the validation she needed it broke me down. I found videos of me on my exes phone that he had taken while i was sleeping. He was doing horrific things to me in my sleep and i didnt know. When i found the videos i was in shock it was like i couldnt believe what i was looking at. We lived together and i wasnt making enough money at the time to move out on my own so i just kept it to myself and didnt tell anyone. Time passed and things got worse, and started turning abusive. Finally one night i it got bad and the cops were called and there was a female cop that i felt comfortable enough to tell what i found. I still dont feel comfortable calling it by what it was because this is someone i lived with and i had loved. The police officer was telling me i needed to press charges and what he was doing was considered rape, but i excused it because this is someone that i was willingly sleeping and living with. Anyway, this video helped me to realize that perhaps i also dissassociated myself from the situation as well.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I knew someone who was in a similar situation over 40 years ago. She almost didn't make it out alive. She had a female cop come and tell her that she never had to deal with the guy again as he committed $U1CID3.
Oh this was the most intense episode ever😢.
First call. Identical to my marriage I was in.
First caller was dealing with a real Toxic Person.
Last caller: before i got married my mother (single mom who's whole identity was 'I sacrifice for my kids') told me "I'm feeling sad at the idea of you getting married because that is when I will be truly alone."
There is nothing more frustrating, disgusting or disturbing than to hear these stories about abuse and find out the mother of the abused woman has not believed and called her child a liar and ultimately turned her back on her child! This makes my blood boil! I’m sorry. But every sorry excuse for a mother that has done this to her child should be thrown in prison for extreme child neglect, even though her child is now an adult. When you have a child that is a gift from God, and God is trusting you with that precious gift! So if you fail at your job as a mother then you should have VERY SEVERE, EXTENSIVE CONSEQUENCES!!!
Wow, that sounds like just like my ex husband only he never apologized for raping me the whole 10 years we were together. I have 2 kids with the monster and left just over a year ago. Now my kids are alienated from me. So glad you got out and didn't have kids with him! Good for you girl. I wish I could have been as string as you. The final straw for me has developing epilepsy. The seizures stopped almost immediately after I left and when I was safe enough to confess to my neurologist that I was in an abusive relationship, she confirmed the abuse was the cause.
To the Christian lady that decided to divorce, you were hoping that he would change. So what eventually happens to women that stay in these situations, they eventually become afflicted with some kind of illness, Hey count yourself Free,of the bad baggage and allow the Lord to mend you. You did the right thing.
Parents let your children go when they marry. Don’t be co dependant on them. They are individual selves with ambitions and aspirations and their own little journey called life. My mil didn’t let her son go until we moved 800 miles away 14 years into marriage. Wasted time. Should’ve moved immediately. Would’ve saved me a lot of pain.
The first caller sounds like my firat and only marriage. He did the same things. He has since been married, and i worry for her every day. he was just like this. No making out before marriage being christian and then forcing it after marriage. Calling me crazy. I feel for her. It's not easy to unwrap your mind, and I hope she discontinues discrediting what she's gone through. I was date raped felt crappy about myself and got married to someone a dated for a year. And she did the same physical actions and it was way worse than date rape. Partner rape is real and its confusing because you married the person. I hope good things for her to come.
John does know enough about the situation to give this advice
Miranda you don’t deserve that crap and that coheres control behavior is sick
I wouldn't want to live close to my mom or other family if I was in a similar situation. I moved 600 miles away from family for other reasons.
He would pinch me bruise my arm. Yell at me. Very controlling in every area. He would push me belittle me. Shove me.
Dude, heavy intro. Rape is a crime, married or not.
This sounds like the typical narcissist and co-dependent relationship. She needs to get some counseling. Even her explanation about why she is not comfortable with using the word rape in connection with her husband's sexual abuse screams co-dependent. Covering for him also, is typical. I am convinced the way you treat a narcissist is to go no contact, if possible, they don't change. He is gaslighting her and he is not going to change, and she needs to be aware of his flying monkeys too. She is using words like gaslighting and so that tells me she has figured out he is a narcissist, now she needs help healing from her trauma. Hopefully she will get some understanding about narcissism and co-dependency, so she does not make the same mistake with the next person she gets into a relationship with. The fact that her family is not so supportive does not surprise me. I figured there had to be some trauma in her past or even childhood in order for her to be so co-dependent. I am so happy to hear she is seeing a counselor. I hope it is someone who can recognize what is going on here.
She sounded excited about having some EMDR therapy. That can be a powerful therapy to overcome and release past trauma.
This caller might like a book called Untangled by Terri Savelle Foy. Now, that author has a rep for being sort of prosperity Bibleish, like a Christian motivational speaker… on the TH-cam funnel circuit l, but her books are right on and Untangle is amazing. It has served many women who were in this type of relationship. I gave it as a gift to a dear friend of mine when her marriage went haywire and bad drugs entered her husband’s mind frame. Similar story to this caller. I have no idea if caller’s man was on drugs but … my friend said the book was like therapy and helped her feel less alone and more understood. If it could help here, I’d send this gal a copy.
Sad to say but this happens so iften happens in Christian environments. They expect the wives to be compluant and submissive, but the men get away with just about anything. Its shocking
14:30 THIS is what I need to do ❤
Man this dr guy is a good guy.
So sorry
Great show
As an Atheist, I appreciate this show not being too religious.
For Miranda, a good book: "Safe People" by Cloud & Townsend.
That mother is still not going to take a breath..she is going to worry about if the dude is going to watch over her correctly
I don't think so. She's spent her past 26 years releasing her child little by little to experience all the joy and pain that comes with a life limiting condition. An amazing Mom as far as I'm concerned. She called Dr John for advice in how to handle this life transition and he was impressed. So I think, with time, she'll learn to live a new normal. There are days that I. myself, have to deal with a new normal. Old age isn't for sissies.😅
Ultimately she is making the right decision to divorce and move on. I do think she needs to keep seeing a therapist to work through and to develop a plan for any future dating or relationship.
I would never date this woman
You’re soon to be ex is a narcissist, and he was good at what he did, but you got away and then more that you go away the worst they get
Omg he’s so right
It's a very generous offer to make a donation in his name but maybe consider making the donation to his community instead? That way it can directly benefit him as well as others? Just a thought😊
Man, that was good!
It would be great if there were a way to alert other women about these men. I think it was tried before but it had to be shut down bc angry women made false accusations. Too bad.
This is my life from 15 to 28 with a man 10 years older I’m so confused.