To him, my time was his to use as he saw fit. I was unpaid, though I worked wretched hours in his business and I think that added to his not valuing my time, since there was no $ attached to it.
@@gqfilipino95 But you can have a heart attack in front of them only to get them complaining they couldn't go to work on time bc of you almost dying, the first thing after you coming back to life and to your senses. They want the new lipstick that's limited edition? You better skip your exam and buy it or prepare for the rage.
Yes,that drink hasn't been poured yet/time is of the essence! Mine thinks he's the only one who dislikes looking for anything, by the time I get there (3 seconds) he's *discovered it* smack in front of him. "Your dick, can you find your dick?" Of course, little head needs a shake! 🙀⛲🤗
Yep, saw this in my mother. Although it’s ultimate purpose was probably to get me fired, she felt that taking her grocery shopping came above working on an important project, for a global corporation. I may have felt the same, when my downstairs neighbor began making moves, to get me to be her free caregiver. Could just be me but, I felt that what she was asking, was just for starters, just to get me groomed. That ultimately, I wouldn’t be able to put my feet on the floor in the morning, without her treating me as if I lived in her attic, instead of being another tenant in the upstairs apartment right above hers, and that she’d start demanding things all.the.time. That, particularly during WFH, she’d be in competition with conference calls. So, I cut that off, before the ball got rolling.
Yes, although my mum was very eager to send us to school in time, she never cooked dinner in time for us to go to our orchestra. She didn't like that kinda music. Very disturbing and unsupportive. (She didn't let us cook.)
@@Picca65 yeah, my mother was no great cook but, I’m still unsure of how to look at it. She was a single parent, pursuing her masters. But, of course, knowing what I know now, and how she’s said that she should’ve probably never had kids, she may have never been interested, unless we were wildly successful. Then, maybe.
@@privateprivate8366 maybe, maybe not. Despite my troubles I am doing quite well in life and still she only shows interest in the thing she finds interesting. Highly egocentric.
I’m 70 years old and wanting a way out. Listening to your advice has enabled me to get off duloxitine and allowing myself to feel and rest in knowing I can’t fix the situation anymore but I can fix how I respond to this marriage and my participation in it.
Since listening to these videos, I'm learning lots of coping skills. I still fall once in awhile for his manipulations, but mostly I'm learning to watch him, to keep a journal for my own sanity because he denies saying and doing things, and to distance myself from him as much as possible. We just can't 'fix' them. AND, it's not us. It's them. That's what you need to remember.
Precious, it doesn't matter if you are 17 or 70. If you are able bodied it is time to make a change. That change is go to the lawyer and file for divorce on Monday. Remove the virus from your life as you would remove a virus from your computer. Come on. Throw caution to the wind.
🥰🥰🥰🥰 @Precious been there and still there, almost 60... 42 years married and now I can see what he was doing to me. I would like to just leave but my kids are his monkeys and grandkids too. Now 4 weeks ago CHF , we think from COVID (went to truck stop with grandson to eat in , to spite me as I’m afraid of getting virus and sick 3 day’s later) but you know what...because of these kinds of videos, and other good folks going through the same thing I WILL SURVIVE!😉😇😘
My ex literally got mad at me because I said I felt hurt that he looked at every female in a room while acting like I don't exist -- that is, *unless* another male showed up. Suddenly, he wants to "claim" me by showing off the ring on my finger. I was scolded for expressing what makes me feel hurt, why, and what we can do as a couple to feel more secure. One time he told me "just get over it!" when I brought it to his attention again. Glad I dodged that bullet.
May be this is the reason why we stay long in these relationships " by thinking that they are not so bad by equalising the bad behaviour with some of good behaviour he has shown to you "
@Gemma Dann Yes! I know one of these people too. I came to realize that everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, is strategic. Getting away is very hard when there is a chess game going on that you didn’t know you were playing and has fundamentally altered you on an emotional and neurological level.
@@joseenoel8093 oh, I’ve been around. How about you? And yeah, you don’t need lockdown to suffer a narcissists isolation. They seem to land on the rooftops, like the local vultures do, where I live.
@@rayman1295 Everyday not communicating with the narcissist is an achievement. We’re all in this community for a bigger purpose and soon we’ll stop thinking about the narcissist in our lives. ✨
@@dudanunesbleff Nah, narcissists show up in the comments here from time to time - precisely because they aren't aware of any personality issue and there is attention/narc supply to be had in the comments.
@@dudanunesbleff lol, oh yes they do! My narc husband watches them, becomes angry, then critiques every point she makes as being made up lies to be judgmental. Trust me they are well aware that their victims are learning about them.
I asked about their behavior to see and learn what I was dealing with. He responded with gaslighting, deflecting, projection and future faking! I found out what I was dealing with and I'm grateful I did!
Thank you! This adds another piece to the puzzle. In my fairly short relationship/engagement, with a lot of things I somehow knew not to dig deeper. I can only think of few times when I asked for clarification. With one subject in particular he said I asked him that question every week, which was completely false, then he sounded like he was making up a story in order to answer my question.
I did that this morning because this time I had proof of what he had done... and even with proof I still walked away feeling like maybe it’s all in my head... Which is why I’m here now watching these videos to try to calm myself and remember I’m not crazy and I’m not making everything up in my head
The trauma bond is a reality I am struggling with, but winning so far: thank God for your videos. I have emotionally shut out all the enablers, though I fear the lonely road ahead, I am soldiering on. You gave me more strength than you would ever know. If it weren't for your videos, I would have gaslighted myself and stayed to be miserable the rest of my life.
The first thing I thought of when abandoned wasJesus said : I will never leave you nor forsake you. I read the Psalms and pray every day for truth and guidance. These videos give the valuable tools of what to expect next.
Stay strong. Lonely alone is so much better than lonely and abused with a partner. Someday in the near future you will enjoy real love and true acceptance.
It is hard. There is no doubt about it. I was afraid of being lonely, too, but I would rather be lonely than put up with his abuse. I’m two years away. Time will help.
Dr . It’s amazing how these people will convince you did something wrong every chance they get and try to confuse your reality . Best to trust yourself .
Every. Chance. They. Get. If you hold firm, they double down on you and threaten you in some harmful way. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I had to leave it.
We went backpacking. She was obsessed with the clock and calculating the time it might take to reach the next destination. Couldn't live in the moment and enjoy scenery. Biggest buzz kill trip ever. Also accused me of "not watching out for her" because it took me a few minutes to remember where I packed the bug spray. She did nothing but complain the whole 5 days. Ever want to know if you're compatible with someone? Go on an adventurous/camping/physically demanding vacation with them and see how they handle it. You'll know very quickly.
In response to the slightest criticism (real or perceived), he would spit back "You don't appreciate all I've done for you", and bring up something "nice" he did years ago. It may have looked good on the surface, but the motive behind it was rotten. Just another manipulative control tactic.
To them doing the 'nice' thing is like buying a product - once they've bought it they own it/they own other people. They are all like "But I own you already, you don't get to ask for more by criticizing!"
Oh ohh that lovely phrase 😡. It's the one that broke me. Mine pulled that on me for the nth time, but last time he said it I responded "well what about all *I* do for *YOU*" knowing full well how the scales would tip. He was in the midst of his dramatic persecution performance and didn't catch himself when he said "I don't care about THAT." Nope. Done. I'm stuck here for now but I do not have to engage.
I understand that. And I am relieved I saved my 2 year old from the company of a narcissist father and grandmother. He had started showing his rage to my little son when he was just 1 month old. His rage was a way to control people around him. So my 1 month old was awake and crying and he wanted a thumb imprint of my son on a paper. My son was not willing. I requested him to wait for one hour when he will be asleep. He was on full rage and was going to slap me. I stopped by my hand. So my arm got the hit. Then he put his big hand on my one month old's head and pushed it down. OMG ... I saw his little head getting pressed. I should have called 911. But eventually when my son was 1.5 I got separated from him... I still remember little good things that he did..mainly because now I have no one to do anything for me.. I am on my own almost. ..I need to work hard to get my son a quality education and care...
fearless living "...I still remember good little things he did...!" *I'm so happy you and your child got away safely! Someone suggested to make a list of the "Pros and Cons" of the relationship or the Narcissist. Whenever I miss, reminisce or "ruminate" what he said or did, I read that list! Instant "reality check"! I'm learning: It's NOT who the person SAYS they are, who you THINK they are or who you WANT them to be that's most important, it's the "way" they treat you and others!
@@hikerhobby1204 this is me! My ex had his own business, which I helped him start up and worked in until our first child was imminent. Like, I said I’d be leaving on a date which gave me one month before the birth to get everything arranged. I gave him plenty of notice and he intended one of his field operatives to take over my position, I had to show her the ropes. I kept making appointments with her to do that, he kept cancelling them for whatever reason. I warned him my time was almost up - it’s hardly something you can put on hold, after all. Finally, time was up and I said I had to see my replacement because I was off on a particular day. She finally made it into the office, where I had half an hour to work with her. Obviously inadequate, but my time was up. Afterwards, my ex would phone and complain that I hadn’t covered some aspect of the work with her. Anyhow, a few years later, the ex got into legal hot water and there followed a number of charges brought against him. The business collapsed and he collared me and hauled me back to work, never mind our two children aged 5 and 7. And so I continued for over ten years, with no choice but to work with him. Unpaid, “naturally”, also no superannuation (which back when I started working at 17 was considered unnecessary for females, because their husbands would look after them). Those years were hideous and I should have left, but how? He controlled all the money we had, I had no joint credit card or bank account and couldn’t sign cheques. I should mention his temper was volatile, he was aggressive and then he brought guns into the house secretly (in Australia this is not normal). Six years ago, my mother died. She obviously knew, without saying, my predicament and made it possible for me to finally leave. He was not pleased. Pretty sure he’d been looking forward to playing with my inheritance.
@@jandrews6254 : Amazing story! I’m so sorry for the terrible situation you went through. Thanking Jesus for your Moms insight! I just know you’re happy and enjoying life.
@@timothydrummond3097 I know exactly what you mean! or when they abuse you, then you tell them that was wrong and they say "you don't appreciate anything I do, what about when I did ____ for you" and it's always referring to one of those rare times they did something right.
The real difference between a narcissist and a broken clock? After a while, you can predict when the clock is going to be right! It’s the unpredictability of decent behavior (other than when you least expect it) that gets you.
We could never make plans together because he changed his mind right before the date, especially when the plan came as my initiative. So it all revolved around his schedule and will because I would be so starved of activities that I would have to drop everything I had to do to not miss the chance of traveling or going out with him. So tiring!
Yeah.. when that consistently continues it's blazing sign to go out and enjoy activities on your own or with others who aren't future-faking you. Because the reality is, even if you "get the chance" to spend time together, he'd probably ruin the time by making your drop your ice-cream cone and having you lick his shoes clean from the mess, figuratively speaking... It's time for a new life, because time is too precious to waste it on soul vampires.
I had this same problem with my narcissist. It got to where I could not make any plans within because he would start a fight or change his mind about going right before it was time to go. And when we did end up going he would try everything he could to ruin the experience. So exhausting
So annoying, what I have done in the past was either made plans with friends/family who has similar interests like me. Or if I was in a Perry mood I would cancel plans at the last minute with the narcissist. If I did that it's like their world came to an end and I would hear about it for weeks or until something else happens.
My narc mom would never make plans with me. If I initiated it, she would tire me out with all the hoops she had to jump through to make it happen. She was a stay at home wife but she was sooo indispensable when I asked her for a movie. I learned to not ask. I was born starving from her.
@@brettweary8491 Yes, certainly. I was married to a narc man during 14 year and also his mom was a narc. They were extremely obsessive, anxious almost about everything and everbody. They liked to judge other people. It was an absolute nightmare..
They're fixated with being the only ones that benefit, because they can't fill their own emptiness. Even after hearing Dr. R say that, it's still... tough to empathize, tho.
I am crying so much right now…when she said, “This is not a deficit in you; that is the nature of how trauma works!” That statement was just what I needed to hear! I can’t thank this woman enough for what she is doing!!! I sure wish I would have had all t his knowledge years ago! I didn’t even know there was a name for that person ruining my life! I’ll be 70 in two years and I’ve had enough…plans are made to move out and live with my son and daughter-in-law who’s behind me 100%, thank god I have a support system otherwise I doubt I would leave him!
Any video that Dr. Ramani puts up on TH-cam, I automatically like and support. She is not only fucking amazing but has helped me to heal from the most toxic and confusing chapter of my journey thus far. And that I thank her for 🙏❤️
Agreed! Dr. Rami is a gem and has helped me tremendously. Vital Mind Psychology’s video on how the Narc effects your health was a game changer for me as well. I wish healing for all who’ve dealt with these demons.
Kitty making an appearance!😻 My narcissistic dad is viewed by so many people as the perfect father. It's true that it would have been easier to see the narcissistic abuse clearer if he was just bad! That's why it took forever to figure it out. Keeping two opposing ideas in mind is such an important skill to learn in my opinion. Thank you Dr. Ramani
Yeah, when you have a narcissistic parent that is viewed as perfect, all forces, near and far, will come to reign you in, to ensure this “perfect parent” gets their due, from the person or people who are most owing to them, which would be their children. If everyone could have their way, they’d harness, muzzle and toss you back in the ring, if you’ve so much as hinted that your parent is toxic and abusive, because that cannot be true...
@@privateprivate8366 Yes! Especially siblings. I was the scapegoated child and truth teller. I was the only child who experienced abusive behavior although my mother was always abused behind closed doors so they rarely saw any of that.
@@eddierayvanlynch6133 yeah, it’s, “Your mother obviously loves you, because she’s your mother. It’s you, you ingrate, who doesn’t love your mother!” No, not really. Still love the witch. Just not more than myself so, I hope to never see her again.
@@privateprivate8366 - 🙄🤦🏻♂️ If I had a penny for every time I heard the lie "You're so ungrateful. You don't care about anyone else." And if I could tell six-year-old me anything, it would be, "The narc is really just speaking like into a mirror. This has nothing to do with you. Your love is true, and you can let these words go." I love who our narc could have been, but that person vanished a long time ago.
Great video! I'm sure my husband of 31 years would disagree because he's never wrong! I'm married to Mr Right! I'm so glad you touched on the issue of why so many of us are unable to leave! I have shared my experiences in the comment section only to get responses such as "just leave" or "it's not impossible, you can get away" probably well meaning but very judgemental. We all have our reasons as to why we stay. No one should judge us, especially not after reading a few written words. I'm not going to explain myself, I shouldn't have to. It's sad, that's for sure & often painful but it is what it is. Thank you for making videos that help me to cope, along with my therapist, I'm in a better place than I ever have, at least in my mind, if not my body! Thank you for this validation!
Exactly. People are very quick to throw out “just leave them” advice but that’s not always possible. Everyone’s journey is different. Just because you left a narc and are100% doing better doesn’t mean all of us will also succeed.
Bless you. Stay strong. A healthy mind will bring forward healing for your soul. At 63 i got myself a tatoo. It says...LET IT BE... i am at peace. My health is so much better.
yeah, I simply do not have money to leave. I do run away camping by myself and I find great pleasure ignoring his calls like he did mine. I just call my daughter find out if everything is ok.
I’ve found each and every video to be spot on. I’m so grateful to have found you. It’s helped me move through this process of eliminating the narcissist. I believe that knowledge is so empowering. Thank you.
Check out vital mind psychology on YT he is dr also and brilliant he has empath series and the burnout that changed my life.. the comment section is uhmazing also ✍🏼Took 50 years to find these 2 brilliant Dr’s wisdom ✍🏼🙏🏻
I have learned so much from you Dr. Ramani... the day I found your You Tube Channel was the day I finally knew I wasn't crazy.... Thank you for everything xx
Ditto I also found gems 💎 with Vital mind psychology on YT he is male version his empath series saved my life check him out he is no BS which I love no fluff
Dr. Ramani is right that trauma causes distortions in perceiving that a person’s clock is stopped, esp if they seem to be ticking along nicely in life. Trust your instincts!
Oh Man!! The Narcs in my life would say and do insightful or positive things once or twice a YEAR, and that was "enough" to keep me in false hope of change for 50 years! The pothole analogy and description is fantastic.
100000 percent true! AND in my experience when they are “right” or “good” or whatever, it’s only as leverage or as part of a transaction. With my ex I only saw that. He did TONS of nice and good things but it was without exception thrown in my face later and/or attached to an expectation. Once you see it you can’t unsee it. 🤷🏻♀️
Exactly once you see the script ✍🏼U see every narcissist using it.. those nice acts are like 0% credit cards 💳 a year later due to fine print you are Slammed with 28% interest 🤬
When your suffering is an inconvenience for the narcissist they quickly stop playing the role of the consoler and start saying things to you like, "you need to be the bigger person and forgive them" "was what they did even that bad?" "Just let it go" "You're too sensitive" or "Are you sure you're not exaggerating the situation?" Narcs don't see you are a real person with real feelings.
@4:02 "The nature of long term Gaslighting is such, that they (Narcissists) can get into your mind and leave you consistently wondering if YOU are the one whose reading the situation wrong!"
So on point! When I have told Tales of my 20-year marriage. It is shocking all on people's faces. Usually I add a sentence "Well, it wasn't ALL bad or I wouldn't have stayed!" You're so right at the end when you said twice a day would be a lot! The longer you're in the less often they're right
Some days are harder than the others. The loneliness and good memories come creeping back but nothing is worse than re-inviting toxicity back into my life!
He’s always late to important events. I personally thinks it’s rude to be late to funerals,weddings or graduations so I started driving myself to these events so that I would be either early or on time. I finally realized that he’s intentionally late so that he can make an entrance,grab attention especially if a large crowd is expected at the event.
Thank you for another lesson. We need these to move in a forward positive direction. If you have enough narcs in your life, you will wake up and be "done". no explanation necessary. Just go.
I had to rewind the end of the video as I realized I hadn't actually heard what she was saying cuz I was too focused on the adorable cat that looked like he/she really wanted a pat on the head. Too cute! 😊
Thank you Dr Ramani, you always confirm my doubts. I am 64 years young and after being married for 42 years I have decided to go solo and become who I really am. You share so much info that makes making my decision easier.
Everything must be done in accordance with the narcissists time schedule! The narc ex's time schedule is certainly not Greenwich Mean Time....I like to think of it as narcissistic MEAN time!
For the record, I adore when your cat makes a cameo. I love cats, but can't have one at present. I find it soothing when my vloggers' cats appear in the video.
I am in the middle of getting out of one of these relationships. What's incredibly hard is the feeling of helplessness when their family, who has witnessed and sometimes been a victim to the abuse, starts to accept the gaslighting as if it were reality. You suddenly turn from being a "saint" to an evil person all because of the gaslight.
The narcissist is obsessed with the clock and time! I know it's not the proverb but does anyone else experience this? Always looking at the clock. Always in a rush. Always getting impatient. Getting agitated if everything doesn't revolve around their schedule. The narcissist would always make me so anxious. 🕗🕕🕜🕒🕔🕐🕓🕓🕣🕝🕡
It's a way they justify trying to control people. They're mad that you are not 10 minutes early. Then why aren't you 15 minutes early? Then why aren't you 20 minutes early? Then why aren't you 30 minutes early? And on and on it goes..... But you better not be too early! 🤪
I find it validating and incredibly refreshing to hear you tell It honestly, realistically. Thank you for sharing you advice as a professional therapist.
I love you so much 💖.. I wish I knew you 20 years ago.. In the 90's I read the book "Men who hate woman The woman who love them". I knew there was a reason I was getting into unhealthy relationships. I've spent years becoming who I need to be, to be a healthy person and now because of you I know how to avoid becoming poisoned by the people who are unwillingly to change. Thank-you ❤
Loved that the cat showed up! So cute! 😍😄 Besides that, this is great information and support for dealing with narcissists, personal development and healing. Thank you, Dr Ramani!
Your video's have helped me stay out for just over 2 months now. I actually thought it was longer. I am in the maintenance phase & work hard at it everyday. I listen to your video's daily, finally after 16 years, I have radical Acceptance. My hope is to someday feel more relaxed. What is different about leaving this time is I now know what I am dealing with. He will NEVER change. That was the hardest thing to wrap my brain around cause I had such hope that he would change. If I am feeling vulnerable I get my notes out, call a trusted friend or pick up the book I just bought myself for my Birthday, "Don't You Know Who I Am". I feel like I am in school sometimes. I will do what ever it takes to never return to that abusive relationship. Thank you Dr. Ramani for giving me the knowledge of what a Narcissist is.
So true. Thanks Dr. Ramani. Good times are what are popping up and make me cry. I’m going through a divorce. It’s a mourning roller coaster. I feel stuck emotionally, but I’m working on it. With help of my psychologist and you ☺️.
This video leads to another proverb. "There are none so blind as those who will not see.". Getting another person to recognize the Narcissist and the world of damage following in their wake is all but impossible. Nothing will change until they do....Catch-22....
Dr. Ramani, you are a God Send !!!! It’s so hard when you have gotten free and can quickly recognize when someone is manipulating and gaslighting you to see someone you love continue to be manipulated and gas light themselves !
I really needed this one today Dr. Ramani. Thank you for sharing this with us...it has been life changing for me. Words can never express how much your videos have helped me move forward in my life. Again, thank you. Elizabeth
Dear Dr R, how wise you r. Thank you so much for providing the videos, they have been of great help to me and I'm sure many others. I was victim to somebody I considered a close friend, and is also a work colleague, who I still encounter daily. 4 or 5 yrs on I am fine but your resources provided a vital part of me coming to terms of with my experience and the feelings of being duped that many suffer (and feeling stupid). I now of course see that person putting their spell on other subsequent victims, and can see the pattern play out repeatedly. I continue to watch your channel as I find the topic of human behaviour endlessly interesting, but a top-up of psychology wisdom on the topic of narcissism is sometimes needed and of benefit. Thank you again, and long may you continue.
Very relevant one.We usually have this right?-'in the present'.Sometimes when we had a fight he used to say- forget it! This moment we are happy,new minute,new second. It hit me hard.I used to regret thinking am the one who carries fights,but it was just his way to escape and avoid.
Thank you so much! I am grateful for this timely message - recently I stopped seeing yet another therapist who said "just get out" but I know that there are way too many legitimate tangles and responsibilities to do that, and I felt frustrated that her advice left me back on my own. So, now I am going to work on my cognitive dissonance- and stop Gaslighting myself.
I work two jobs and take care of an ill sibling,and my dogs and I only sleep 4-6 hours a day but no matter how tired I get or how little time I HAVE, I NEVER MISS YOUR VIDEOS. THANK YOU
It’s one of the things I often cannot stand about people. The lowering of standards to accommodate that which is often undeserving. This goes for toxic relationships, toxic people and even toxic workplaces. Typically, the advice starts off with, “Well, at least...”. Well, if that’s what your standard is, in life, then go for it. But, don’t advise me to do so. The advice that a person is at least decent to me once in awhile or that I at least have a decently paying job, yes, those are realities, particularly in this economic climate. But, they aren’t goals to set your life’s standards by. You’re NOT SUPPOSED to be settling for whatever crumbs life tosses you. You may have to deal with that, but you shouldn’t be embracing it, unless you cannot escape and you’ve got radical acceptance that you’ll GENUINELY be content with. And, just because a narcissist might be somewhat low on the spectrum and have NPD Light, doesn’t mean you should be settling for that either.
Was going to make a reply but you said it so perfectly there's nothing I can say! I have an ex-friend who always said stuff like that. Always felt hurt by it. She'd say I was taking courses, starting a business, etc as a way to look important. I left a menial job (but well paying job) in order to use my mind before it's too late. Jeez.
@@dianevanderlinden3480 heck, that’s just my take on it. But, yeah, you really have to have your eyes and ears open for people who will subtly distract you from your goals and what makes you happy, for their own comfort, and under the guise of friendship. Misery loves company, even in its most subtle forms. You may have felt guilty about being hurt by it, because it may have been said in that way that suggests that they’re trying to rescue you from lofty ideas. But, it is often far more dangerous to not pursue them, when you consider what you’ll look back on, as being your life.
@Private Private I unknowingly had many so called family friends who are Crabs 🦀 in a bucket pulling you back down Because they knew how creative and talented I am ( I actually had 2 steal my intellectual property and will be in jail 🚨).. It’s nauseating looking back... Great comment btw ✍🏼
Dr Ramani you are soo right They will never never change Until their last breath When they are heroes to society We can’t even say anything negative about the evil God bless you for helping this community People who are getting knowledge
Some of these proverb videos are a bit of a stretch, but I knew immediately that this one was going to be insightful. My relationship with a narc was amazing and beautiful at times - I have some fantastic memories of the good times we had together. However, without exception every single one of those happy occasions was bookended with lies, manipulation, gaslighting, rage tantrums, silences and everything else that comes with interacting with a narcissist. Those happy moments were the exception, not the rule, and as time went on they got rarer and rarer.
Thank you for sharing that!! I relate exactly to your statement! Yes, there were good times, but each single good thing had multiple bad things that came with it... like gaining 3 pennies for every dollar spent, on in emotional currency.
I can't tell you how much your videos have helped me and confirm what I was going through and dealing with, so much gratitude.💗 The final discard was 11 months ago. WoW - this video got me. TIME and CLOCKS... I actually called him, "Big Ben" !!! When we first started dating, he would text and say, "what's your ETA" knowing I said 6ish earlier ... looking back, that's so endearing, isnt it? Im sure the "6ish" drove" him nuts! He was SO impatient about everything, but TIME was another animal. By 6 my phone was ringing non stop like his world was ending. Even everyday phone calls. If I didnt answer my cell the first time, first ring, he would call my home phone, and it would go back and forth. 16 calls between both phones, crazy amounts like that. I would call back and say what's wrong, what's happened and he would say nothing I was just calling you. 😳 The anxiety of it all and the punishments were awful. The anxiety I would feel was horrific constantly trying to keep up with his daily life itineraries and on the weekend. Like grocery shopping had to be at 8 a.m and completed by 8:25, etc.. and then sheets changed, groceries put away while sheets were being washed, etc. All the while watching the clock. Sunday routines..ugh! And I did not live there !!! Even when we were out, or watching TV, or bedtimes - clocks, times! But, he could change his routines and times like a switch if HE chose to and I BEST BE READY !! It never mattered what I needed to do at my place, or what I wanted to do for that matter. I was there for him, to accommodate him and his needs, and ON TIME of course or it was hell !!! He ALWAYS expressed he could not relax until his things were done 🤐 However, during his lows he slept days away. And, of course that was MY fault !! I dont know why I ever stayed in this world of insanity - so toxic. HE IS SO TOXIC ! My eyes are still always watching the clock even though I'm free from all of it now, so i can at least chuckle now. However, after 7 years with him i still suffer with horrible anxiety 247, and I have zero energy. It's like he has sucked the life out of me. I dont think I will ever be my former self and that makes me really really sad. He fooled everyone. Still is. He left me for someone else, told nobody about her except a few. That supply was smart and it didnt work out for him. Somehow I'm the bad guy now, and he has smeared my character to everyone, and of course he never cheated, and apparently, I'm a stalker and I wont leave him alone. He has nothing but hatred and rage for me. I dont know who he is at all and I will never contact, or go back. I just know these people are so destructive and evil and I want myself, and my old life back.
They give just the right amount of breadcrumbs to stay and you wanna believe so bad. I'm blessed cause she discard me and now I see what she is, but I felt helpless and prisoner forever in that relationship.
Thank you Dr Ramani....I recently found your page and it's like a weight has been lifted from me. I finally understand what I'm involved with now. Every video is spot on to what I'm living with...bless you for these videos!!
This cognitive dissident stuff is really opening my eyes to the reality of my relationship and enabling me to protect myself and not ride the roller coaster. The highs aren’t that high because I no longer believe everything will be ok and stay this way and the lows aren’t that low because I’m not as shocked by the disrespect. It’s really helping me come out of the fog of the relationship and see if for the dysfunctional mess it is. I’m now looking or other sources for my emotional support and feeling emotionally nourished
I loved the analogy of the pot hole in the road. So true! I'm very glad that you get it and are able and willing to help people understand as much as you are. ♡
WOW Thank you very much. The more I have watched your videos. The more I learn ! I am 57 and dealt with NARCISSIST my entire life..I totally know why I feel about myself and and get it more and more each video I see.I have spent my life trying to be better for someone else. They never change but I can . I am trying very hard to think of myself and not let them in my mind. Every time I do I get hurt.I find myself always trying to explain their bad behavior. Again I thank you for being so understanding and how you make it all make sense. 💞🙏
Here's a proverb I suggest:the grass is always greener on the other side. Meaningthat the things a person does not have always seem more appealing than the things he or she does have.
When anyone expresses any kind of envy directed at me personally...I see it as a red flag now. I used to dismiss it. But it’s odd how people-especially those that are financially secure-will express envy over random stuff. Lots of times it’s over stuff that they have (of better quality) or could easily afford (where I have to plan/budget for months/years). It’s like a weird combination of love-bombing and victimhood. It’s very creepy. I no longer shrug it off.
I have felt informed by watching your videos,Dr.Ramani. I was raised in a swamp of chaotic,alcoholic, and narcissistic abuse. I have always been the sunshine...lol until I got exhausted and depressed. I also graduated to continuing that abuse on myself for quite some time. The primary message was if you go along with the denial, stay in your place"as a girl child", don't think,don't talk, don't feel, you will have no problems with us,here. I was sad yet desperate enough and got outside help, counseling alanon and AA I am 36 years clean and sober. You have supplied some valuable missing pieces to understanding my past and even more current choices and relationships. 62 and having a happy childhood,adolescence and adulthood!
I use to tell my sister, well what do you want me to do about it? I can't leave, I have to keep my head down and just ignore all this bad stuff. Now I see if I had learned about what was really going on, I would have thrived not just struggling to survive. Thanks for all your information! I tell my therapist all about your videos and she sees I have so many ah ha moments now. Thanks!!
Thank you Dr. Ramani for helping all of us dealing with a narcissist (or in my case multiple narcissists). I have learned so much from you and all your insights!
This video was the missing piece to my puzzle! My Narcissistic friend was "right" many times, but I kept feeling this overwhelming sense that something was still wrong. Now that I'm 3 months out of the relationship I've been able to step back and see things more clearly. Thank you, Dr. Ramani for this most useful information.
They have no respect for your time, but you must move heaven and earth to accommodate them.
Exactly
To him, my time was his to use as he saw fit. I was unpaid, though I worked wretched hours in his business and I think that added to his not valuing my time, since there was no $ attached to it.
yep
We were brainwashed and trained to be like that as kids. Just to survive day to day. Being with a narcissist as an adult is “home”.
Wow so true!!
Narcissists are very impatient. Everything has to be done when they want. Your life has to revolve around their schedule.
Very true. Narcissist will inconvenience your schedule to fit their needs and wants.
@@gqfilipino95 But you can have a heart attack in front of them only to get them complaining they couldn't go to work on time bc of you almost dying, the first thing after you coming back to life and to your senses. They want the new lipstick that's limited edition? You better skip your exam and buy it or prepare for the rage.
Yes,that drink hasn't been poured yet/time is of the essence! Mine thinks he's the only one who dislikes looking for anything, by the time I get there (3 seconds) he's *discovered it* smack in front of him. "Your dick, can you find your dick?" Of course, little head needs a shake! 🙀⛲🤗
Yes, NS, everything....insightful comment....
My mother 💯
Funny enough they are obsessed with time as well, everything should revolve around their schedule.
Only the Narc matters
Yep, saw this in my mother. Although it’s ultimate purpose was probably to get me fired, she felt that taking her grocery shopping came above working on an important project, for a global corporation.
I may have felt the same, when my downstairs neighbor began making moves, to get me to be her free caregiver. Could just be me but, I felt that what she was asking, was just for starters, just to get me groomed. That ultimately, I wouldn’t be able to put my feet on the floor in the morning, without her treating me as if I lived in her attic, instead of being another tenant in the upstairs apartment right above hers, and that she’d start demanding things all.the.time. That, particularly during WFH, she’d be in competition with conference calls. So, I cut that off, before the ball got rolling.
Yes, although my mum was very eager to send us to school in time, she never cooked dinner in time for us to go to our orchestra. She didn't like that kinda music. Very disturbing and unsupportive. (She didn't let us cook.)
@@Picca65 yeah, my mother was no great cook but, I’m still unsure of how to look at it. She was a single parent, pursuing her masters. But, of course, knowing what I know now, and how she’s said that she should’ve probably never had kids, she may have never been interested, unless we were wildly successful. Then, maybe.
@@privateprivate8366 maybe, maybe not. Despite my troubles I am doing quite well in life and still she only shows interest in the thing she finds interesting. Highly egocentric.
I’m 70 years old and wanting a way out. Listening to your advice has enabled me to get off duloxitine and allowing myself to feel and rest in knowing I can’t fix the situation anymore but I can fix how I respond to this marriage and my participation in it.
Sending so much love your way ❤
sending love.
Since listening to these videos, I'm learning lots of coping skills. I still fall once in awhile for his manipulations, but mostly I'm learning to watch him, to keep a journal for my own sanity because he denies saying and doing things, and to distance myself from him as much as possible. We just can't 'fix' them. AND, it's not us. It's them. That's what you need to remember.
Precious, it doesn't matter if you are 17 or 70. If you are able bodied it is time to make a change. That change is go to the lawyer and file for divorce on Monday. Remove the virus from your life as you would remove a virus from your computer. Come on. Throw caution to the wind.
🥰🥰🥰🥰 @Precious been there and still there, almost 60... 42 years married and now I can see what he was doing to me. I would like to just leave but my kids are his monkeys and grandkids too. Now 4 weeks ago CHF , we think from COVID (went to truck stop with grandson to eat in , to spite me as I’m afraid of getting virus and sick 3 day’s later) but you know what...because of these kinds of videos, and other good folks going through the same thing I WILL SURVIVE!😉😇😘
They try to normalize flirting with others when in a relationship and call you paranoid for having morals and values. What a bad experience.
so true ! facts !
Exactly!
They normalise the abnormal
Right in your face!
My ex literally got mad at me because I said I felt hurt that he looked at every female in a room while acting like I don't exist -- that is, *unless* another male showed up. Suddenly, he wants to "claim" me by showing off the ring on my finger. I was scolded for expressing what makes me feel hurt, why, and what we can do as a couple to feel more secure. One time he told me "just get over it!" when I brought it to his attention again. Glad I dodged that bullet.
"... and not use their good behaviour as an eraser for all the bad things they've done." Preach! 🌟☀️
Yes, this quote hit me hard too!
May be this is the reason why we stay long in these relationships " by thinking that they are not so bad by equalising the bad behaviour with some of good behaviour he has shown to you "
Which brings us to the expression, "Forgive and forget" followed by "You really hold a grudge!"
@Gemma Dann Yes! I know one of these people too. I came to realize that everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, is strategic.
Getting away is very hard when there is a chess game going on that you didn’t know you were playing and has fundamentally altered you on an emotional and neurological level.
@Gemma Dann - Yep.
I can't remember who said it, but
"All philanthropy is guilt-based."
But the narc kind of twists that.
With them, it's strategic.
The fact that you make these videos means you have a heart of gold. You think of us whom you don't know, and we are saved. Thank you
Dr. Ramani is the best.
She makes money
🙌🏻
Yup, she'll even get trolled and insulted by some viewers like Gina Griffin yesterday but we've got her back and Gina gets deleted!! 🚮🚽 🙋🌈🎠
@@69birdboy don't you?
Now that I’m away & off the narcs clock, I’m getting so much done that needed to be done for me.
Finally!! It’s life changing!
Truth.
Seems like forever, who needs lock down to suffer a narc's isolation?
@@privateprivate8366 where ya been? Missed you!
@@joseenoel8093 oh, I’ve been around. How about you? And yeah, you don’t need lockdown to suffer a narcissists isolation. They seem to land on the rooftops, like the local vultures do, where I live.
Me too! I thought I was lazy, but I was just exhausting dealing with my ex demands.
One of their fav lines is "I'm busy. All revolves around their life and schedule. They have time to talk about them but not about YOU.
Dr. Ramani is the support team you never knew you needed in your life. Thank you.
I’m crying less and less and becoming so much more settled.
Check out vital mind psychology on YT his empath series is stellar He is male version of Dr Ramani no BS only Facts ✍🏼Which I love
@@rayman1295 Everyday not communicating with the narcissist is an achievement. We’re all in this community for a bigger purpose and soon we’ll stop thinking about the narcissist in our lives. ✨
@@uknowmestalker4446 thank you
thank you
The dislikes on the video are narc's getting defensive for being called out
A narcissist would not be viewing this video. They rarely admit or are aware of having any kind of personality issue.
There's no way of knowing that.
@@dudanunesbleff I agree with you😪
@@dudanunesbleff Nah, narcissists show up in the comments here from time to time - precisely because they aren't aware of any personality issue and there is attention/narc supply to be had in the comments.
@@dudanunesbleff lol, oh yes they do! My narc husband watches them, becomes angry, then critiques every point she makes as being made up lies to be judgmental. Trust me they are well aware that their victims are learning about them.
When feeling confused about the Narc behavior, do Not go to ask them for Clarification,
because they will use it to make you more confused
I asked about their behavior to see and learn what I was dealing with.
He responded with gaslighting, deflecting, projection and future faking!
I found out what I was dealing with and I'm grateful I did!
This.
Thank you! This adds another piece to the puzzle. In my fairly short relationship/engagement, with a lot of things I somehow knew not to dig deeper. I can only think of few times when I asked for clarification. With one subject in particular he said I asked him that question every week, which was completely false, then he sounded like he was making up a story in order to answer my question.
That’s why actions are better than words. Leave them with silence.
I did that this morning because this time I had proof of what he had done... and even with proof I still walked away feeling like maybe it’s all in my head... Which is why I’m here now watching these videos to try to calm myself and remember I’m not crazy and I’m not making everything up in my head
The trauma bond is a reality I am struggling with, but winning so far: thank God for your videos. I have emotionally shut out all the enablers, though I fear the lonely road ahead, I am soldiering on. You gave me more strength than you would ever know. If it weren't for your videos, I would have gaslighted myself and stayed to be miserable the rest of my life.
Don’t worry believe in GOD.
Everything will be fine you are much stronger then those bully. 🙏🏼
The first thing I thought of when abandoned wasJesus said : I will never leave you nor forsake you. I read the Psalms and pray every day for truth and guidance. These videos give the valuable tools of what to expect next.
Stay strong. Lonely alone is so much better than lonely and abused with a partner. Someday in the near future you will enjoy real love and true acceptance.
It is hard. There is no doubt about it. I was afraid of being lonely, too, but I would rather be lonely than put up with his abuse. I’m two years away. Time will help.
I got some great new friends. Not so many, but they are nice people. I wish you the same🙏
Dr . It’s amazing how these people will convince you did something wrong every chance they get and try to confuse your reality . Best to trust yourself .
Every. Chance. They. Get.
If you hold firm, they double down on you and threaten you in some harmful way. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I had to leave it.
We went backpacking. She was obsessed with the clock and calculating the time it might take to reach the next destination. Couldn't live in the moment and enjoy scenery. Biggest buzz kill trip ever. Also accused me of "not watching out for her" because it took me a few minutes to remember where I packed the bug spray. She did nothing but complain the whole 5 days. Ever want to know if you're compatible with someone? Go on an adventurous/camping/physically demanding vacation with them and see how they handle it. You'll know very quickly.
Call it a gift to yourself. I hope you ran for the hills when your trip was done!!! 😉
Tim maybe I’ll go with you next time ! Lol
Yeah...
I hate camping - splurge for at 3 star at least!
@@Magamomma22245 I document my adventures.
In response to the slightest criticism (real or perceived), he would spit back "You don't appreciate all I've done for you", and bring up something "nice" he did years ago. It may have looked good on the surface, but the motive behind it was rotten. Just another manipulative control tactic.
Absolutely They Never Forget anything
To them doing the 'nice' thing is like buying a product - once they've bought it they own it/they own other people. They are all like "But I own you already, you don't get to ask for more by criticizing!"
Oh ohh that lovely phrase 😡. It's the one that broke me. Mine pulled that on me for the nth time, but last time he said it I responded "well what about all *I* do for *YOU*" knowing full well how the scales would tip. He was in the midst of his dramatic persecution performance and didn't catch himself when he said "I don't care about THAT." Nope. Done. I'm stuck here for now but I do not have to engage.
I still find it hard that I said goodbye to someone I loved very much, but I'm so "relieved" that I'm away from the toxic behavior!
I understand that. And I am relieved I saved my 2 year old from the company of a narcissist father and grandmother. He had started showing his rage to my little son when he was just 1 month old. His rage was a way to control people around him. So my 1 month old was awake and crying and he wanted a thumb imprint of my son on a paper. My son was not willing. I requested him to wait for one hour when he will be asleep. He was on full rage and was going to slap me. I stopped by my hand. So my arm got the hit. Then he put his big hand on my one month old's head and pushed it down. OMG ... I saw his little head getting pressed. I should have called 911. But eventually when my son was 1.5 I got separated from him... I still remember little good things that he did..mainly because now I have no one to do anything for me.. I am on my own almost. ..I need to work hard to get my son a quality education and care...
fearless living
"...I still remember good little things he did...!"
*I'm so happy you and your child got away safely!
Someone suggested to make a list of the "Pros and Cons" of the relationship or the Narcissist.
Whenever I miss, reminisce or "ruminate" what he said or did, I read that list!
Instant "reality check"!
I'm learning:
It's NOT who the person SAYS they are, who you THINK they are or who you WANT them to be that's most important,
it's the "way" they treat you and others!
“The narcissist is like a virus” excellent
There is always a reason why people cant leave easily
I know several friends in their 70’s who can’t leave cause they didn’t work outside the home and have no retirement. They are trapped. So sad.
@@hikerhobby1204 exactly. And children of Narcs who are trauma bonded in adult life who had no other to turn to
@@jilross4892 : You are so right! Trauma bonding is so terrible!
@@hikerhobby1204 this is me!
My ex had his own business, which I helped him start up and worked in until our first child was imminent. Like, I said I’d be leaving on a date which gave me one month before the birth to get everything arranged. I gave him plenty of notice and he intended one of his field operatives to take over my position, I had to show her the ropes. I kept making appointments with her to do that, he kept cancelling them for whatever reason. I warned him my time was almost up - it’s hardly something you can put on hold, after all.
Finally, time was up and I said I had to see my replacement because I was off on a particular day. She finally made it into the office, where I had half an hour to work with her. Obviously inadequate, but my time was up.
Afterwards, my ex would phone and complain that I hadn’t covered some aspect of the work with her.
Anyhow, a few years later, the ex got into legal hot water and there followed a number of charges brought against him. The business collapsed and he collared me and hauled me back to work, never mind our two children aged 5 and 7.
And so I continued for over ten years, with no choice but to work with him. Unpaid, “naturally”, also no superannuation (which back when I started working at 17 was considered unnecessary for females, because their husbands would look after them).
Those years were hideous and I should have left, but how? He controlled all the money we had, I had no joint credit card or bank account and couldn’t sign cheques.
I should mention his temper was volatile, he was aggressive and then he brought guns into the house secretly (in Australia this is not normal).
Six years ago, my mother died. She obviously knew, without saying, my predicament and made it possible for me to finally leave.
He was not pleased. Pretty sure he’d been looking forward to playing with my inheritance.
@@jandrews6254 : Amazing story! I’m so sorry for the terrible situation you went through. Thanking Jesus for your Moms insight! I just know you’re happy and enjoying life.
Narcissists will use those very few times they're right against you every time you argue. Thank you Doctor Ramani
Yessss oh how she did. Or that she did something once a month it counted as her doing it all the time
@@timothydrummond3097 I know exactly what you mean! or when they abuse you, then you tell them that was wrong and they say "you don't appreciate anything I do, what about when I did ____ for you" and it's always referring to one of those rare times they did something right.
RIGHT? UNEXPECTED CUTENESS ATTACK!
@@timothydrummond3097 yes yes yes!! Only 1 attempt to do something right = I gave everything I had, but I don't know how to please you.
@@chriswyma145 this is the truest thing I’ve read in a while!!! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
The real difference between a narcissist and a broken clock? After a while, you can predict when the clock is going to be right! It’s the unpredictability of decent behavior (other than when you least expect it) that gets you.
Everything they can do, to keep you on eggshells.
Ahhhh this!
Best way to deal with a narc - say nothing and leave!
So true bcz there's no winning with them. They always win somehow!!! So confounding!
@@nancicone3264 they're just soul suckers!
Strange game, the only way to win is not to play
Yup. To play their game, you must conform to their rules. Which means you don't have a say. It's a fake relationship.
The adorable little feline enters the picture as if to ask, “You’re not talking about ME right now, are you Mama?” Very cute!
I love the cat cameos!!! Can we just do a fun video where Dr Ramani tells us about her cat one of these days? 😹
I want to hold that cat and squeeze it! So friggin cute!
Cats rock!
Luna is so sweet!
My kitty named Kizzy looks exactly like her 😻
We could never make plans together because he changed his mind right before the date, especially when the plan came as my initiative. So it all revolved around his schedule and will because I would be so starved of activities that I would have to drop everything I had to do to not miss the chance of traveling or going out with him. So tiring!
oh yeah, Mr. Change you mind. I got so sick of his need to change his mind about everything.
Yeah.. when that consistently continues it's blazing sign to go out and enjoy activities on your own or with others who aren't future-faking you. Because the reality is, even if you "get the chance" to spend time together, he'd probably ruin the time by making your drop your ice-cream cone and having you lick his shoes clean from the mess, figuratively speaking...
It's time for a new life, because time is too precious to waste it on soul vampires.
I had this same problem with my narcissist. It got to where I could not make any plans within because he would start a fight or change his mind about going right before it was time to go. And when we did end up going he would try everything he could to ruin the experience. So exhausting
So annoying, what I have done in the past was either made plans with friends/family who has similar interests like me. Or if I was in a Perry mood I would cancel plans at the last minute with the narcissist. If I did that it's like their world came to an end and I would hear about it for weeks or until something else happens.
My narc mom would never make plans with me. If I initiated it, she would tire me out with all the hoops she had to jump through to make it happen. She was a stay at home wife but she was sooo indispensable when I asked her for a movie. I learned to not ask. I was born starving from her.
They are obsessed with everything. Probably due to their high-controlling and obsessive character..
Absolutely Shiny they Are very Obsessive with Themselves and their Feelings
@@brettweary8491 Yes, certainly. I was married to a narc man during 14 year and also his mom was a narc. They were extremely obsessive, anxious almost about everything and everbody. They liked to judge other people. It was an absolute nightmare..
@@shiny7301 Sounds like a Narc!
They're fixated with being the only ones that benefit, because they can't fill their own emptiness.
Even after hearing Dr. R say that, it's still... tough to empathize, tho.
@@eddierayvanlynch6133 They always push other people to obey their needs(including time) but never respect to other people's..
"That is not a deficit in you; that is the nature of how trauma works." Thank you, Dr. Ramani. I needed to hear this today.
I am crying so much right now…when she said, “This is not a deficit in you; that is the nature of how trauma works!” That statement was just what I needed to hear! I can’t thank this woman enough for what she is doing!!! I sure wish I would have had all t his knowledge years ago! I didn’t even know there was a name for that person ruining my life! I’ll be 70 in two years and I’ve had enough…plans are made to move out and live with my son and daughter-in-law who’s behind me 100%, thank god I have a support system otherwise I doubt I would leave him!
Any video that Dr. Ramani puts up on TH-cam, I automatically like and support. She is not only fucking amazing but has helped me to heal from the most toxic and confusing chapter of my journey thus far. And that I thank her for 🙏❤️
Check out vital mind psychology on YT he is male version of Ramani also a Dr and has empath and male videos he is no BS also ✍🏼👌🏻
Agreed! Dr. Rami is a gem and has helped me tremendously. Vital Mind Psychology’s video on how the Narc effects your health was a game changer for me as well. I wish healing for all who’ve dealt with these demons.
Kitty making an appearance!😻 My narcissistic dad is viewed by so many people as the perfect father. It's true that it would have been easier to see the narcissistic abuse clearer if he was just bad! That's why it took forever to figure it out.
Keeping two opposing ideas in mind is such an important skill to learn in my opinion.
Thank you Dr. Ramani
Yeah, when you have a narcissistic parent that is viewed as perfect, all forces, near and far, will come to reign you in, to ensure this “perfect parent” gets their due, from the person or people who are most owing to them, which would be their children. If everyone could have their way, they’d harness, muzzle and toss you back in the ring, if you’ve so much as hinted that your parent is toxic and abusive, because that cannot be true...
@@privateprivate8366 Yes! Especially siblings. I was the scapegoated child and truth teller.
I was the only child who experienced abusive behavior although my mother was always abused behind closed doors so they rarely saw any of that.
@@privateprivate8366 - Spot on.
Being raised by a narc means seeing how many people live the term "confirmation bias."
@@eddierayvanlynch6133 yeah, it’s, “Your mother obviously loves you, because she’s your mother. It’s you, you ingrate, who doesn’t love your mother!” No, not really. Still love the witch. Just not more than myself so, I hope to never see her again.
@@privateprivate8366 - 🙄🤦🏻♂️
If I had a penny for every time I heard the lie "You're so ungrateful. You don't care about anyone else."
And if I could tell six-year-old me anything, it would be, "The narc is really just speaking like into a mirror. This has nothing to do with you. Your love is true, and you can let these words go."
I love who our narc could have been, but that person vanished a long time ago.
A narcissist is right twice a year. You have a lot of likes and its for a good reason. Best statement ever RADICAL ACCEPTANCE!
Great video! I'm sure my husband of 31 years would disagree because he's never wrong! I'm married to Mr Right! I'm so glad you touched on the issue of why so many of us are unable to leave! I have shared my experiences in the comment section only to get responses such as "just leave" or "it's not impossible, you can get away" probably well meaning but very judgemental. We all have our reasons as to why we stay. No one should judge us, especially not after reading a few written words. I'm not going to explain myself, I shouldn't have to. It's sad, that's for sure & often painful but it is what it is. Thank you for making videos that help me to cope, along with my therapist, I'm in a better place than I ever have, at least in my mind, if not my body! Thank you for this validation!
Much love and hugs!!!
Exactly. People are very quick to throw out “just leave them” advice but that’s not always possible. Everyone’s journey is different. Just because you left a narc and are100% doing better doesn’t mean all of us will also succeed.
Bless you. Stay strong. A healthy mind will bring forward healing for your soul. At 63 i got myself a tatoo. It says...LET IT BE... i am at peace. My health is so much better.
yeah, I simply do not have money to leave. I do run away camping by myself and I find great pleasure ignoring his calls like he did mine. I just call my daughter find out if everything is ok.
I'm sure you'll find a way out one day❤🤗🙏
I’ve found each and every video to be spot on. I’m so grateful to have found you. It’s helped me move through this process of eliminating the narcissist. I believe that knowledge is so empowering. Thank you.
💕💖💕
Check out vital mind psychology on YT he is dr also and brilliant he has empath series and the burnout that changed my life.. the comment section is uhmazing also ✍🏼Took 50 years to find these 2 brilliant Dr’s wisdom ✍🏼🙏🏻
@@uknowmestalker4446 Will do! thank you
I have learned so much from you Dr. Ramani... the day I found your You Tube Channel was the day I finally knew I wasn't crazy.... Thank you for everything xx
You introduced me to a truth which was not seen for so many years, thank you
Ditto I also found gems 💎 with Vital mind psychology on YT he is male version his empath series saved my life check him out he is no BS which I love no fluff
Dr. Ramani is right that trauma causes distortions in perceiving that a person’s clock is stopped, esp if they seem to be ticking along nicely in life. Trust your instincts!
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Oh Man!! The Narcs in my life would say and do insightful or positive things once or twice a YEAR, and that was "enough" to keep me in false hope of change for 50 years! The pothole analogy and description is fantastic.
100000 percent true! AND in my experience when they are “right” or “good” or whatever, it’s only as leverage or as part of a transaction. With my ex I only saw that. He did TONS of nice and good things but it was without exception thrown in my face later and/or attached to an expectation. Once you see it you can’t unsee it. 🤷🏻♀️
Exactly once you see the script ✍🏼U see every narcissist using it.. those nice acts are like 0% credit cards 💳 a year later due to fine print you are Slammed with 28% interest 🤬
When your suffering is an inconvenience for the narcissist they quickly stop playing the role of the consoler and start saying things to you like, "you need to be the bigger person and forgive them" "was what they did even that bad?" "Just let it go" "You're too sensitive" or "Are you sure you're not exaggerating the situation?"
Narcs don't see you are a real person with real feelings.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" was my narc's go-to phrase.
@4:02
"The nature of long term Gaslighting is such, that they
(Narcissists) can get into your mind and leave you consistently wondering if YOU are the one whose reading the situation wrong!"
This proverb is exactly what kept me hooked longer than I should have. To me the stopped clock is cognitive dissonance at play.
They get gas lighting right 100% of the time
🤣🤣🤣👌
... and you had better fall for their crap 100% of the time!
I'm tired of being around fake people that need to act weird at a certain time on the clock. 🤦🏽♂️🤷🏽♂️
So on point! When I have told Tales of my 20-year marriage. It is shocking all on people's faces. Usually I add a sentence "Well, it wasn't ALL bad or I wouldn't have stayed!" You're so right at the end when you said twice a day would be a lot! The longer you're in the less often they're right
Kaddy Feast,You look stunning 🌹🌷🌷 dear
The cat's visitation put a smile on my face. Thank you for the video.
Some days are harder than the others. The loneliness and good memories come creeping back but nothing is worse than re-inviting toxicity back into my life!
He’s always late to important events. I personally thinks it’s rude to be late to funerals,weddings or graduations so I started driving myself to these events so that I would be either early or on time. I finally realized that he’s intentionally late so that he can make an entrance,grab attention especially if a large crowd is expected at the event.
Or maybe to cause everybody to adjust timing and activities to accommodate the disruption of the late arrival.
Exactly I had a bff that did that 25 yrs ago I asked her to correct it she made it worse ✍🏼🔥🤬
Thank you for another lesson. We need these to move in a forward positive direction.
If you have enough narcs in your life, you will wake up and be "done". no explanation necessary. Just go.
Came for Dr. Ramani's advice, stayed for her cat.
Have a great weekend Doc and all your subscribers also♥️
& you as well! Make it yours.♥️
Thank you so much! Same to you!
Thanks!💕
You’re amazing, and thank you for everything you do ❤️
In agreement!
Blessings!!!
Yeah the devil works the same way mixing a little truth in his lies
That has to be most mentally healthy cat on the planet.
😆
Or she gives it Benedryl 🤣
I had to rewind the end of the video as I realized I hadn't actually heard what she was saying cuz I was too focused on the adorable cat that looked like he/she really wanted a pat on the head. Too cute! 😊
That might be the only cat in the world who isn’t an asshole 😂 don’t get me wrong I love cats but they’re assholes by nature, especially mine 😅
@@Jazzyartgirl me too 😅😅😅
She is sooo relaxed 🐈
Thank you Dr Ramani, you always confirm my doubts. I am 64 years young and after being married for 42 years I have decided to go solo and become who I really am. You share so much info that makes making my decision easier.
Me too. The exact same time.
Everything must be done in accordance with the narcissists time schedule! The narc ex's time schedule is certainly not Greenwich Mean Time....I like to think of it as narcissistic MEAN time!
That's clever, time to be mean!
This was EXACTLY what I desperately needed to hear today. I’ve saved this one to come back to often. Thank you for this wonderful series!!
For the record, I adore when your cat makes a cameo. I love cats, but can't have one at present. I find it soothing when my vloggers' cats appear in the video.
I am in the middle of getting out of one of these relationships. What's incredibly hard is the feeling of helplessness when their family, who has witnessed and sometimes been a victim to the abuse, starts to accept the gaslighting as if it were reality. You suddenly turn from being a "saint" to an evil person all because of the gaslight.
The narcissist is obsessed with the clock and time! I know it's not the proverb but does anyone else experience this?
Always looking at the clock. Always in a rush. Always getting impatient. Getting agitated if everything doesn't revolve around their schedule. The narcissist would always make me so anxious.
🕗🕕🕜🕒🕔🕐🕓🕓🕣🕝🕡
they have no respect for your time.
Yes, with my prior employer. I was too early getting to work and told me I'm stupid.
Yes. Its another way to control.
It's a way they justify trying to control people. They're mad that you are not 10 minutes early. Then why aren't you 15 minutes early? Then why aren't you 20 minutes early? Then why aren't you 30 minutes early? And on and on it goes..... But you better not be too early! 🤪
@@lindabell6954 True, mostly obsessed with THEIR time.
I find it validating and incredibly refreshing to hear you tell It honestly, realistically. Thank you for sharing you advice as a professional therapist.
Jennifer Mahuet,You are beautiful 🌹🌹🥀,hope you are not with a narc 😈!!
I love you so much 💖..
I wish I knew you 20 years ago.. In the 90's
I read the book "Men who hate woman The woman who love them". I knew there was a reason I was getting into unhealthy relationships. I've spent years becoming who I need to be, to be a healthy person and now because of you I know how to avoid becoming poisoned by the people who are unwillingly to change. Thank-you ❤
Loved that the cat showed up! So cute! 😍😄
Besides that, this is great information and support for dealing with narcissists, personal development and healing. Thank you, Dr Ramani!
Ivonne Reinhardt,You got a lovely smile 😊
Your video's have helped me stay out for just over 2 months now. I actually thought it was longer. I am in the maintenance phase & work hard at it everyday. I listen to your video's daily, finally after 16 years, I have radical Acceptance. My hope is to someday feel more relaxed. What is different about leaving this time is I now know what I am dealing with. He will NEVER change. That was the hardest thing to wrap my brain around cause I had such hope that he would change. If I am feeling vulnerable I get my notes out, call a trusted friend or pick up the book I just bought myself for my Birthday, "Don't You Know Who I Am". I feel like I am in school sometimes. I will do what ever it takes to never return to that abusive relationship. Thank you Dr. Ramani for giving me the knowledge of what a Narcissist is.
I'm dealing with some narc family members right now and this is a video I really needed today. Thanks for making awesome videos.
Thank You for helping my Sanity Life. I try to drive around the pothole
So true. Thanks Dr. Ramani. Good times are what are popping up and make me cry. I’m going through a divorce. It’s a mourning roller coaster. I feel stuck emotionally, but I’m working on it. With help of my psychologist and you ☺️.
The statement that you made to shatter the cognitive dissonance is one that I will come back to write down and memorize! Thank you Dr. Ramani! 💐
This video leads to another proverb. "There are none so blind as those who will not see.". Getting another person to recognize the Narcissist and the world of damage following in their wake is all but impossible. Nothing will change until they do....Catch-22....
Dr. Ramani, you are a God Send !!!! It’s so hard when you have gotten free and can quickly recognize when someone is manipulating and gaslighting you to see someone you love continue to be manipulated and gas light themselves !
Renee' Hall,You are beautiful 🌹🌹🌷,hope you are not with a narc 😈!!
😻 Your cat just made your video even better ❤
Dr. Ramani every day when I listen to you videos, It feels like a balm on my wounds
And make them heal faster. Can’t thank you enough 🙏
I really needed this one today Dr. Ramani.
Thank you for sharing this with us...it has been life changing for me.
Words can never express how much your videos have helped me move forward in my life.
Again, thank you.
Elizabeth
How wonderful to finally meet your cat!
Dear Dr R, how wise you r. Thank you so much for providing the videos, they have been of great help to me and I'm sure many others. I was victim to somebody I considered a close friend, and is also a work colleague, who I still encounter daily. 4 or 5 yrs on I am fine but your resources provided a vital part of me coming to terms of with my experience and the feelings of being duped that many suffer (and feeling stupid). I now of course see that person putting their spell on other subsequent victims, and can see the pattern play out repeatedly. I continue to watch your channel as I find the topic of human behaviour endlessly interesting, but a top-up of psychology wisdom on the topic of narcissism is sometimes needed and of benefit. Thank you again, and long may you continue.
Very relevant one.We usually have this right?-'in the present'.Sometimes when we had a fight he used to say- forget it! This moment we are happy,new minute,new second. It hit me hard.I used to regret thinking am the one who carries fights,but it was just his way to escape and avoid.
They are creative to come up with some situations
So we react
And it effects us
It is a slow poisoning game
But for NARcs food for the day
Being busy was my mother's alibi for doing anything but spend time with me - I suspect she only has 18 hours in her day
Thank you so much! I am grateful for this timely message - recently I stopped seeing yet another therapist who said "just get out" but I know that there are way too many legitimate tangles and responsibilities to do that, and I felt frustrated that her advice left me back on my own. So, now I am going to work on my cognitive dissonance- and stop Gaslighting myself.
I hope you’re having a lovely day and are doing well
I work two jobs and take care of an ill sibling,and my dogs and I only sleep 4-6 hours a day but no matter how tired I get or how little time I HAVE, I NEVER MISS YOUR VIDEOS. THANK YOU
It’s one of the things I often cannot stand about people. The lowering of standards to accommodate that which is often undeserving. This goes for toxic relationships, toxic people and even toxic workplaces. Typically, the advice starts off with, “Well, at least...”. Well, if that’s what your standard is, in life, then go for it. But, don’t advise me to do so. The advice that a person is at least decent to me once in awhile or that I at least have a decently paying job, yes, those are realities, particularly in this economic climate. But, they aren’t goals to set your life’s standards by. You’re NOT SUPPOSED to be settling for whatever crumbs life tosses you. You may have to deal with that, but you shouldn’t be embracing it, unless you cannot escape and you’ve got radical acceptance that you’ll GENUINELY be content with. And, just because a narcissist might be somewhat low on the spectrum and have NPD Light, doesn’t mean you should be settling for that either.
Was going to make a reply but you said it so perfectly there's nothing I can say! I have an ex-friend who always said stuff like that. Always felt hurt by it. She'd say I was taking courses, starting a business, etc as a way to look important. I left a menial job (but well paying job) in order to use my mind before it's too late. Jeez.
@@dianevanderlinden3480 heck, that’s just my take on it. But, yeah, you really have to have your eyes and ears open for people who will subtly distract you from your goals and what makes you happy, for their own comfort, and under the guise of friendship. Misery loves company, even in its most subtle forms. You may have felt guilty about being hurt by it, because it may have been said in that way that suggests that they’re trying to rescue you from lofty ideas. But, it is often far more dangerous to not pursue them, when you consider what you’ll look back on, as being your life.
Well said 👏
@Private Private I unknowingly had many so called family friends who are Crabs 🦀 in a bucket pulling you back down Because they knew how creative and talented I am ( I actually had 2 steal my intellectual property and will be in jail 🚨).. It’s nauseating looking back... Great comment btw ✍🏼
It’s extremely hard to say goodbye.... I wholeheartedly agree.
Beautiful analogy....sadly, staying near or with a narc near is sometimes a necessity. In those cases, give the barest minimum. Love seeing Luna 💜
Dr Ramani you are soo right
They will never never change
Until their last breath
When they are heroes to society
We can’t even say anything negative about the evil
God bless you for helping this community
People who are getting knowledge
Some of these proverb videos are a bit of a stretch, but I knew immediately that this one was going to be insightful. My relationship with a narc was amazing and beautiful at times - I have some fantastic memories of the good times we had together. However, without exception every single one of those happy occasions was bookended with lies, manipulation, gaslighting, rage tantrums, silences and everything else that comes with interacting with a narcissist. Those happy moments were the exception, not the rule, and as time went on they got rarer and rarer.
Thank you for sharing that!! I relate exactly to your statement! Yes, there were good times, but each single good thing had multiple bad things that came with it... like gaining 3 pennies for every dollar spent, on in emotional currency.
I can't tell you how much your videos have helped me and confirm what I was going through and dealing with, so much gratitude.💗 The final discard was 11 months ago. WoW - this video got me. TIME and CLOCKS... I actually called him, "Big Ben" !!! When we first started dating, he would text and say, "what's your ETA" knowing I said 6ish earlier ... looking back, that's so endearing, isnt it? Im sure the "6ish" drove" him nuts! He was SO impatient about everything, but TIME was another animal. By 6 my phone was ringing non stop like his world was ending. Even everyday phone calls. If I didnt answer my cell the first time, first ring, he would call my home phone, and it would go back and forth. 16 calls between both phones, crazy amounts like that. I would call back and say what's wrong, what's happened and he would say nothing I was just calling you. 😳 The anxiety of it all and the punishments were awful. The anxiety I would feel was horrific constantly trying to keep up with his daily life itineraries and on the weekend. Like grocery shopping had to be at 8 a.m and completed by 8:25, etc.. and then sheets changed, groceries put away while sheets were being washed, etc. All the while watching the clock. Sunday routines..ugh! And I did not live there !!! Even when we were out, or watching TV, or bedtimes - clocks, times! But, he could change his routines and times like a switch if HE chose to and I BEST BE READY !! It never mattered what I needed to do at my place, or what I wanted to do for that matter. I was there for him, to accommodate him and his needs, and ON TIME of course or it was hell !!! He ALWAYS expressed he could not relax until his things were done 🤐 However, during his lows he slept days away. And, of course that was MY fault !! I dont know why I ever stayed in this world of insanity - so toxic. HE IS SO TOXIC ! My eyes are still always watching the clock even though I'm free from all of it now, so i can at least chuckle now. However, after 7 years with him i still suffer with horrible anxiety 247, and I have zero energy. It's like he has sucked the life out of me. I dont think I will ever be my former self and that makes me really really sad. He fooled everyone. Still is. He left me for someone else, told nobody about her except a few. That supply was smart and it didnt work out for him. Somehow I'm the bad guy now, and he has smeared my character to everyone, and of course he never cheated, and apparently, I'm a stalker and I wont leave him alone. He has nothing but hatred and rage for me. I dont know who he is at all and I will never contact, or go back. I just know these people are so destructive and evil and I want myself, and my old life back.
I don’t know how you maintain your focus with that kitty, Dr. I’d be petting her and laughing and forget what I’m talking about.
They give just the right amount of breadcrumbs to stay and you wanna believe so bad. I'm blessed cause she discard me and now I see what she is, but I felt helpless and prisoner forever in that relationship.
You always amaze me with the depth of this reality that you are able to perceive I’m so glad you do what you do. Thank you!!❤️
Micki L,You look stunning 🌹🌷🌷,hope you are not with a narc 😈!!
Man!!! This dr is good. She's spot on.
Thank you Dr Ramani....I recently found your page and it's like a weight has been lifted from me. I finally understand what I'm involved with now. Every video is spot on to what I'm living with...bless you for these videos!!
I could listen to this 100 times! AMEN and THANK YOU!!!!!! This was just beautiful. Perfectly said! I am so Grateful for You.
Lisa Veiga,You are beautiful 🌹🌹🥀,hope you are not with a narc 😈!!
This cognitive dissident stuff is really opening my eyes to the reality of my relationship and enabling me to protect myself and not ride the roller coaster. The highs aren’t that high because I no longer believe everything will be ok and stay this way and the lows aren’t that low because I’m not as shocked by the disrespect.
It’s really helping me come out of the fog of the relationship and see if for the dysfunctional mess it is.
I’m now looking or other sources for my emotional support and feeling emotionally nourished
I loved the analogy of the pot hole in the road. So true! I'm very glad that you get it and are able and willing to help people understand as much as you are. ♡
Love your cat 🐈
WOW
Thank you very much. The more I have watched your videos. The more I learn ! I am 57 and dealt with NARCISSIST my entire life..I totally know why I feel about myself and and get it more and more each video I see.I have spent my life trying to be better for someone else. They never change but I can .
I am trying very hard to think of myself and not let them in my mind. Every time I do I get hurt.I find myself always trying to explain their bad behavior.
Again I thank you for being so understanding and how you make it all make sense. 💞🙏
Here's a proverb I suggest:the grass is always greener on the other side. Meaningthat the things a person does not have always seem more appealing than the things he or she does have.
When anyone expresses any kind of envy directed at me personally...I see it as a red flag now. I used to dismiss it. But it’s odd how people-especially those that are financially secure-will express envy over random stuff. Lots of times it’s over stuff that they have (of better quality) or could easily afford (where I have to plan/budget for months/years). It’s like a weird combination of love-bombing and victimhood. It’s very creepy. I no longer shrug it off.
I usually hear this one when someone is practically telling someone to settle. Like, be happy with what you have. Enablers seem to use it a lot.
I couldn’t stop crying when I was listening to Dr Ramami in this video!
Best thing would be to believe in yourself and try getting stronger without them.
I have felt informed by watching your videos,Dr.Ramani. I was raised in a swamp of chaotic,alcoholic, and narcissistic abuse. I have always been the sunshine...lol until I got exhausted and depressed. I also graduated to continuing that abuse on myself for quite some time. The primary message was if you go along with the denial, stay in your place"as a girl child", don't think,don't talk, don't feel, you will have no problems with us,here. I was sad yet desperate enough and got outside help, counseling alanon and AA I am 36 years clean and sober. You have supplied some valuable missing pieces to understanding my past and even more current choices and relationships. 62 and having a happy childhood,adolescence and adulthood!
I use to tell my sister, well what do you want me to do about it? I can't leave, I have to keep my head down and just ignore all this bad stuff. Now I see if I had learned about what was really going on, I would have thrived not just struggling to survive. Thanks for all your information! I tell my therapist all about your videos and she sees I have so many ah ha moments now. Thanks!!
Please check out Vital mind psychology on YT also a Dr his empath series saved my life and Dr Ramani .. Keep healing ✍🏼
Thank you Dr. Ramani for helping all of us dealing with a narcissist (or in my case multiple narcissists). I have learned so much from you and all your insights!
Preach sister!
zayasnav3201,you got a lovely smile 😊
This video was the missing piece to my puzzle! My Narcissistic friend was "right" many times, but I kept feeling this overwhelming sense that something was still wrong. Now that I'm 3 months out of the relationship I've been able to step back and see things more clearly. Thank you, Dr. Ramani for this most useful information.