This hit me like a ton of bricks and I never knew why I was being critical. Makes me want to cry to be honest but now I know how to communicate what I'm really feeling and make a change
How my ex made me feel for two maybe three years. I had a women compliment me the other day and I almost cried. I realized I had gotten so accustomed to being criticized that I just agreed and bought into all of it and someone saying something nice felt foreign to me.
@@AmillieX-te1mh I still love her. I recognize we are all doing our best with our level of consciousness at that time. I hold no grudges. Maybe she’ll realize one day… She really couldn’t ever see her faults as she was so hyper focused on minute things. Even during couples therapy our therapist called her out and she still couldn’t accept that she’s done anything wrong as he’s sitting there telling her that all she does is bash me in the sessions. I wasn’t perfect but I certainly I didn’t deserve it. I need to heal for sure…
@rx7sign this hit me hard bro. I broke up with my girl last night. I simply couldn't take the bursts of anger. Very small petty trivial matters that are blown way out of proportion and kept at an intense level are so draining. I was literally reduced to tears before she suddenly felt bad and hugged me. But the damage is done, it's happened on countless occasions and I couldn't take it anymore. She says "this is me. I can never change." I used to be impulsive, angry, jealous etc myself. But I became a better man by practicing and trying self improvement techniques. As difficult as they were, I've come a long way. I don't feel she's even willing to try properly. Maybe she really is hardwired like that who knows. But for my own sanity I had to break up and now I'm sad but willing to go gym and work today because negativity from a partner should never be something we stand for. Especially when you done nothing wrong. Or even if you did do something wrong, there are ways to go about expressing yourself. After 6months we were a week away from our 1st holiday together, but I am willing to miss out on it. I even quit my job for this and now who knows what's next for me. But I know one thing, I'm sad but at peace. I feel free. To anyone reading this, I wish you make the right choices because you only lice once. Spend it with people who make you happy, not sad. Bless you all. 🙏
I cannot believe how you could break down every part of it so nicely that it resonated with my feelings. In this era we are ashamed of putting ourselves down to ask for something. That makes us feel fragile. But we act strong and we fake it
I'm a grown man constantly treated like a child. I can't breath until on my own. Constantly bossed around. I have to hear everyone else's day but no one wants to hear about mine.
Remember a relationship holds values because it benefits both. So speaking up for oneself even via criticism is a necessary (especially with avoidant attachment as they really do no do well with confrontation) and benefits both partners especially is equality is a value.
This is exactly how I interpret this behavior too. So many want to scream narcissist and abuser, and yes, the oppressor is using their narcissist traits, traits we all have...but deeper than pointing a finger at them is asking the question WHY they are behaving like that. This woman GETS IT. They are hurting and need reassurance and don't know how to express what they're feeling. I love that she's pinpointed it to feelings of not being worthy, not being loveable and not feeling good enough to be loved by you. I can better address my partner now. When he starts criticizing, I'm going to gently but firmly start saying "you are worthy, you are loveable, you are good enough, I love you" and see what happens over time. If I remember this post, I'll come back to give an update.
That's the worse thing to tell a narcissist..telling them how special they are ...and waiting for them to reciprocate. Lol..narcissists dont have empathy...they dont love..except themselves
I'd love to know if you did in fact tell him those things and how it went. In reply to the comment about it being the last thing to tell a narcissist, I didn't get the impression her husband is a narcissist. And not all who are critical are narcissists. I apologize if I'm speaking out of line or being offensive. That's definitely NOT my intention. And I'm no Dr, nor do I know it all.... But I've lived it. Researched it. And always learning something new. I'd love to know all I could about the human psyche and how the mind works. My husband is EXTREMELY intelligent and it can be intimidating at times. His mind NEVER stops racing. He has been blind since birth, but never allowed his disability to keep him from doing about anything. He's a beautifully talented musician/drummer. Been on tour with several well known bands all over the world. He has a woodworking shop where he builds amazing pieces of art and furniture. And still has all his fingers! Something he jokes about quite often. He loves making people laugh and is SO quick witted! But beneath all that talent, all the accomplishments and all the laughs.... He is his own worst enemy and constantly fighting a battle in his mind and it breaks my heart. He's such an amazing person and I'd give anything if he could see himself the way I do. I'm always open to suggestions and would love to hear others experience with something similar involving a spouse ...
I’ve reached your conclusion before and it really shows that you’re a good person. I hope through this experiment you’re able to determine if they partner is a good person for you.
@pollynunnally5863 most narcissists are victims of trauma. The reason they utilize more of the narcissistic traits (traits we all have within us) was their way of defending themselves and dealing with their trauma. Not sure if ur familiar with the 16 personality types, Myers Briggs? Many types are not in touch with their feelings. When they feel emotions, they have a hard time pinpointing what they're feeling, it leaves them in a scary, confused place. Think back to a time when you were emotional but didn't exactly know what u were feeling. It's absolutely scary and confusing! There's billions of ppl walking around everyday who don't know exactly what they're feeling, they're scared and confused 24/7. Furthermore, how to process and organize their feelings is beyond their internal knowledge. From an early age they learn to put up big walls around their emotions, it's much easier than feeling scared and confused. They end up pushing away their feelings so they don't have to live in a constant state of torment. These are your regular everyday people, you probably talk to 20 of them everyday. Now imagine if you are a victim of trauma at an early age, not only are u unable to understand the abuse, but ur not able to process ur feelings about it. These ppl cannot even communicate their feelings (which is what leads them from behaving their feelings. When we cannot communicate our feelings, we behave them) so now u have a bunch of kids acting out their feelings when they don't even know what they're feeling. U just see brass, unforgiving behaviors coming out of them. They're stuck and confused. If trauma/abuse continues, these kids are going to develop extreme defense mechanisms to protect themselves. This is where the ego and using our narcissistic traits come into a stronger play. It's all to defend themselves. They absolutely have emotions. They absolutely care about other humans, including their partners. But they're still operating in trauma response mode. They are damaged goods. They will most likely never operate in any other way than they've learned to be. They are not even aware they are the narcissist. They are out to get everyone to like them, why? Because they've always felt not good enough their whole lives. Unworthy of love. They were most likely told this by their caregivers or ppl they looked up to and relied on most. They live their lives trying to get ppl to like them, think they're great, get external praise, bc their inner voice is so bleak and empty. The outer world's acceptance and praise is what keeps them from ending themselves. It's absolutely necessary others approve of them. They go out of their way to be the nice guy. The fun guy. The life of the party. The one everyone notices and praises. They honestly believe they are the good guy. But they hate themselves. It's only projected onto those who are closest to them. Mine apologizes all the time. Stops and breaks down saying he never wants to hurt me the way he does. I know it's all projection of what he feels inside. There's so much turmoil and hate for his own self it absolutely spills over onto me and anyone else close to him. He lives in a fake external happiness and wants to stay there. He never wants to look inwardly bc it's not only too painful, but, back to the beginning of what I was saying, his personality type has no flippin idea how to navigate and process what he's feeling. So he ignores it. Which makes it worse. Every pain, every hiccup in his life, every argument, all swept under the rug only to be trapped there by the ginormous walls he's learned to put up to not have to face those feelings. They will never change. At the very most, they will learn to accept themselves in some ways, and thru therapy, learn how to navigate some feelings, and hopefully, be able to manage their treatment of you. They absolutely have emotions for others. They have hearts. They're traumatized. The other type of early traumatized kids grow into what a lot of ppl have got to know as empaths. Or, truly, ppl who know how to read someone's emotions. These are simply children who are of the 16 personality types who ARE able to recognize their feelings and emotions and know how to process them. They grow up building different kinds of defense tactics, such as, paying attention to other ppl's emotions, paying attention to even the smallest facial expressions to know what someone is feeling so they can be quick to run off to protect themselves or dive in to try and help the abuser calm down before the situation gets too escalated. What's interesting is the empath and the narcissist share such similar deep pains and turmoil, they easily recognize it within one another and attract each other. The empath will nurture the narcissist while the narcissist further abuses the empath. It can go both ways. Empaths can also learn to use more of their narcissistic traits to protect themselves and be quite damaging to the narc. Esp bc they understand emotions and feelings so well, they know exactly how to abuse the narcissists confusion in that area. It's probably one of the best examples of trauma bonding. Similar traumas attract. Both experience similar abuse as children, one type understands emotions and deals with it in their own dark ways, another is confused with their emotions and deals with it by behaving their feelings bc they do not know how to communicate them.
This totally worked. He criticised me about something petty and small, we had a fight. After this video I came back with "what are you really upset about? You know I care about you and believe you're the right man for me. We can talk when I get home in an hour" Jesus it opened the door to a boatload of hidden emotions for him to talk to me about. Had nothing to do with the petty criticisms.
Broken people behave that way. To make excuses and not acknowledge what’s really going on and to get along is not the answer. Until the person who is criticizing get healed from the trauma that they’ve been through before getting into any relationship, the relationship will be very different.
@@lbar9720I kind of felt judge at the beginning of my relationship. I feel like I was being judged for who I am. He was saying you're too old for having toys they were Disney toys. He was pretty much saying Disney is for just kids. He did sorry tho. And he hasn't judge me since he doesn't judge me anymore. But I felt like I couldn't carry my favorite Disney toy when I was with him. I had to hide it all the time all the time 😢 I just feel like he didn't accept me. I was almost going to attend to throw my favorite toy away.
I deal with this with my family. I will ask them to do something multiple times and they don’t. Instead of complaining I just avoid them and they will ask me what the problem is (noticing my distance) and when I tell them… they gaslight me and pretend like the problem is somewhere else. So it forces me to want to distance myself from them more, always feeling misunderstood when I am the main one communicating what I want or need yet never having enough words or explanation to get them to see my point of view.
@@jackjack4412 parents siblings. This year I’ve also taken steps to work on things I may be doing that adds to the problem. This included becoming more assertive and less flexible/tactful with others people feelings. Saying things how I think and feel them to convey my feelings also helped. Also the distance helped a bunch because it let me reset the relationship in a way. Although I can’t get all that I want I’ve learned to deal with family where they are but also learn when to pull back and that helps me not feel like I give too much and it becomes draining.
@@BakerClan Wow, you seem mature, great job! I don't know you but can relate, so it's inspirational to hear that you're navigating the situation so well. All the best to you and your family.
Instead of “communicating” with your spouse in a healthy way.....you will emotionally abuse your spouse... manipulate...Critique.. It’s a narcissistic! You don’t want to put in the “work” so instead you bully and berate! I have a critical spouse... it’s like a constant state of criticism, never doing enough... never be enough and I’m constantly going through an imaginary checklist in my mind... did I say hello, smile, ask about the day, is the house clean, did I do everything he wanted and guess what?? It’s still never enough! It’s like a black hole.
I think the context of what is happening in this conversation is important. If this is criticism that occurs occasionally, that is fine. If it is constant, that is not fine. If love is there, you will make up sooner or later. The spark of love is enough to solve these problems. But sometimes love is an illusion we create to fulfil our own desires. Your questions (the imaginary checklist) come from a state of fear. You are already hurt by the berating. Now you fear you will be criticised, and if you are, that will create even more hurt. That is not love! Then, my friend, you must run. You may not think it is easy now, but you must go and believe me, you will be happier and you will make it. Take it from someone who lived a wretched life for decades with this imaginary checklist, and the constant abuse, criticism and anger. Even after I left this person, I am still occasionally tormented by memories of those moments. I wish I had left sooner. But I was only a child then and now I am a man. I could not suffer forever and die in regret. I had no excuses. Today I am free and much happier. Life is too precious, too short, to give it away to an irresponsible person!
I'm going through exactly the same thing to a tee at first I thought I was just imagining it I slowed down and started to listen intently to what was being said and observing actions I made notes in my phone regarding scenarios dates etc because when I brought things up calmly I was regularly being gaslighted. I was being constantly critiqued about everything. He comes home from work and takes his mood out on me frequently. I try to talk to him he either ignores or looks through me yet when he wants to talk he expects a response. I cook everyday nothing is appreciated I get negative feedback only of what I should have done. He said I won't propose until you lose weight. We share a business together where I do 90 percent of everything.....Ive give up looking after my appearance becausr I get constant accusations of cheating.........I now just cook clean and very rarely speak its the the only way I can protect myself......I need to leave I know I do that's my responsibility not his I need to find the strength
I think you missed the point. She said the reason for the criticism is that your spouse doesn't feel loved or lovable. And that might not even come from you but their inner child issues. You not recognizing that directly said that also says there is some unhealthy communications you might also be struggling with. Have you heard of love languages and attachment theory. You might be anxious attachment and your spouse is avoidant which is a very unhealthy and very common trauma bond relationship that happens.
I think Esther is not considering how selfish the person criticizing may be. Yes a protective device to avoid looking at your own flaws of a lack of empathy.
This is not true in every case! I put myself last and since my spouse ignores me and never responds when I ask questions are try to engage I can be critical as described here. I don't like that I am but being ignored triggers invalidation I had as a child neglected and abused!
I don't necessarily think so. I know in my relationship I did not start out criticizing, it started after several failed attempts at specifically asking outright for what I wanted/needed. And repeatedly being ignored or dismissed.
Maybe it's "selfish" in the way a 2 year old is "selfish". When a person is critical, it often isn't aimed to hurt the other. Often they aren't that aware they are doing it...and/or they are paired with a partner with high rejection sensitivity, who can perceive criticism with even neutral requests, which happens a bit. A 2 year old isn't trying to do anything but get their needs met. They do not have the words, self awareness, tools, to consider their affect on another person. This is kind of what happens in those criticizing. It's usually subconscious, poor communication skills (often due to poor childhood modeling and other conditioned behaviors), combined with limbic system activation. When the limbic system is in charge, it is not primed to communicate well, or consider others. It's more survival oriented, getting needs met, in almost desperation. This is often based on unresolved childhood wounds. Does this mean you can't boundaries about it? Nope. However, you shouldn't expect a level do communication that you yourself don't possess. If you can't state your needs and boundaries, clearly, calmly, well defined, empowered and respectful, than you can't expect it of others. There are many other forms of destructive communication, aside from criticism, that lack vulnerability, authenticity, that could be also seen as "selfish". Anytime we are dishonoring ourselves or others, by not being radically honest, yet kind, and clear...we aren't engaging in "clean" and empathetic (which is opposite of selfish) behavior.
@airthrowDBT well, if you come from a limiting beliefs, dualistic mind…that might be how you interpret what I wrote. I’ve worked with thousands of patients (critical care) and now am working towards a degree in neuroscience. I am not “validating” the criticizer…but explaining a deeper complexity. It is only the simple minded, who prefer easy answers, that label through cognitive distortions in order to “demonize” the other. This is to feel “safer” in an illusory sense, because they cannot handle the complexity of the equation. There can be many things that have and “and” also…vs either or. The criticizer is often a very hurt person who in turn hurts others. Pain that is not transformed is transmitted (as the saying goes). Elaborating on this deeper truth, is not a “validation” of the “criticizer” nor is it an invalidation of the one who feels criticized. You’re looking at it far too simplistically and tunnel vision. When you can zoom out, consider there are many, many variables that you simply don’t know…only than can you truly inquire and learn. Also, if you have a core wound of “not good enough” already, which is absolutely certain if this type of person’s behavior is taken personally…than you will view the world and other’s behavior with that slant, lens. That means you are susceptible to other’s attacks any moment, and not empowered. While the original wound is not your fault, the reinforcing of it and it causing so much continued suffering, is your responsibility. I can say this, as someone who has worked years to heal that very wound. Imagine if someone says you’re a 20 headed purple beetle. Is that going to sting, bother you very much? Not likely. Why? Because you have no former program, narrative, inside you, that is worried about being a 20 headed purple beetle. If someone said that, you’d realize it was more about that person, their silliness, or their own internal reality being very distorted. When we know who we are, and have our core wounds healed….we see others “stuff” as theirs & we don’t let it mean anything about us. That is being empowered.
@airthrowDBT it’s sad that you see as you do…and can’t seem to see yourself clearly. What’s hypocritical is that you yourself are being critical…”novella” and then trying to undermine neuroscience! I am a writer, so…I write. I know enough, about how you took what I wrote and your narrative, to see the distortions. It’s like when I see a patient and I can immediately tell (with over 90 % accuracy) if they have HPA axis dysregulation. When you’ve worked with things long enough, you can spot them fast. Your contracted, defended, yet double standard criticism is a neon light pointing to profound lack of self awareness, high egocentrism, emotional immaturity, among many other things. You will continue to blame others and stay stuck with that way of thinking. Please consider a mindfulness practice…you are exhibiting signs of thinking that is the antithesis of mindful. Lastly…really? Regarding neuroscience! You didn’t need to write much to reveal your extreme ignorance and arrogance. Neuroscience as over-rated. Please do tell. I’m profoundly curious. Please do explain why the latest science on Alzheimer’s and autism is “over-rated”. Please do explain about how the gut microbiome & its effects on brain neurotransmitters is “over-rated”. Please do tell me how the latest research on the nervous system, in regards to trauma, is “over-rated”. Please tell me how finding out more, about the cause of many conditions, with much suffering…is “over-rated”. Or, is it that you have no clue about what neuroscience entails & spoke out of turn? That your threatened ego reacted, in a emotionally dysregulated way, which caused your frontal cortex to be unable to be involved in your comment? Or was it the anterior cingulate cortex, that failed to stop the impulse? I worked with open heart surgery, stroke, pulmonary issues, organ failure and more…neuroscience was at the root of many of the reasons those patients ended up in those situations. So, to tell me that it’s over-rated…is hilarious. Thanks for the laugh 😘
2:42 - "...and that's why I decide to put it on you" is not okay, does not make sense and is unacceptable. What are you doing to your partner if you use verbal aggression to externalize your frustration? Simple: throwing them away. The awful truth behind this situation is: they should leave you. You should experience the consequences of you actions. You cannot expect to mistreat your partner and receive positive reinforcement in return. It is your fault. Take accountability.
At the beginning of my relationship I felt criticise judged for what I love. I told him I love Disney toys that I buy toys than he said you're your 26 years old. Disney for kids. I was attempted to throw my favorite toy away. Every time I hung out with him I hide it from him. He did apologize he doesn't do it anymore. I was around 26 when I first started dating him. But I do feel like he told me to grow up I remember him saying after that I'm a terrible boyfriend he said.
This is a lovely idea and has a place in thinking through a disagreement, but neglects the too-frequent reality of ongoing criticism and verbal abuse by those who are simply seeking a pretext and a target.
I think they didn't address that because that part is obvious and it's a go to assumption for a lot of people. It's a surface level analysis in other words, but this video digs deeper.
@@jackjack4412that’s great that it digs deeper but there needs to be a solution to the criticism. Because criticism can come across as verbal assault or abuse at times. Criticism is not always constructive. Even when you think you’re being constructive “helpful”. This can be perceived, as being torn down by your partner, and not being truly accepted. If there is a wish, or a desire that you have from your partner that needs to be expressed with out the criticism. All criticism does is makes your partner feel like their efforts aren’t good enough. It sounds like conditional love, and that is how it is received. And when the person hears criticism long enough, they feel like they could never make the partner happy so they just stop trying. Criticism is one of the four horsemen of a relationship breaking up. The four horsemen are contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. It is best to address your communication skills with your partner, so that you’re not unintentionally being toxic. Everything else is just an excuse.
Thank you for sharing this, it’s Powerful….one’s lack of Self Worth, A protection device, Wow and what someone is actually feeling….incredible Insight… your knowledge is Appreciated very much , Grateful 🙏
It’s such a double-edged sword. I remember learning that hurt people end up hurting people, and that’s what happens in situations like you mention. I believe it’s one of our lowest levels of maturity.
After 5 years of relationships where my girlfriend has constantly tell me how I do things wrong for her, how I dont do thing right and make me feel im not up to her standards. Saturday night I proposed and she said YES and on Sunday night she called me and told she didnt feel good because I didnt make a speech about how I feel about her, how I didnt tell her I loved her in that moment and she felt I managed it as an "ordinary" or "just another" day when I felt I put all my efforts into maling that day go how it should. I feel really really sh**y on what is supposed to be one of the most important and happiest day of my life, i feel lost.
@airthrowDBT they do not. You making them the bad “other” keeps you from taking responsibility for you own life. That’s a learned helplessness trait. If you had early childhood trauma, it is highly likely that your “red flag meter” became broken in some way, and you have blind spots to certain behavior (as it was normalized in your home growing up…and it’s not very obvious as it can come in different “flavors”). So, while it seems as a surprise…a person with a secure attachment style would’ve seen the signs. Once we heal the wounds, our red flag meter recalibrates, and we can “see” the signs we would’ve previously missed They are there…
Some people just cant handle hard facts when someone is being open and honest some people have standards unconditional love is bs thats how you lose yourself self love self respect is first you cant make people respect you sometimes we confuse it with being courtesy
I wished so much yet I accepted that is okay not to get it, but at the same time it blows my mind I believe I deserve love, respect and genuine love because that's what I am doing. .. is just so hard to continually listening negative comments and words with definition not love , not respect no empathy. One thing just so tired to complain and that iam just lacking this lacking that. Is like the husband cheated, was violent abusive, controls the $$$ and the economy. Then all I hear is what I missed what I should be improving. I know we have to do this for our selves with a partner that supports you is something I desire, soo tired of this narc and the never enough story
Research again & again and through experience working with people, a common pattern I'm seeing is people who don't open up and be themselves, and don't express what they truly think & feel first with THEMSELVES, always have problems in relationships with other people. Good thing there's a way to break this conditioning and get back to who you really are inside :)
I have a physical disability. Every day, I live in pain that would bring people to their knees. I work a full-time job, and every day varies on how much energy I have at when I get home to get my honey due list done. My wife will remind me every day of my list, and when I tell her I can't do it that day, she will insist that I am just making that up or being lazy. She insults me demeans my character and has actually brought out suicide thoughts in me. I have accomplished many of these things on my list, but then it just grows and becomes larger. I am miserable daily, I have to pretend to smile when I know it's appropriate, and I encourage her every day I don't say negative things to her. I'm too busy trying to deal with my own misery and pain to fight back. I have offered her the suggestion of divorce if she wants out. She says that's what I want even though I don't. I just don't want to take the blame for her resenting me. We barely have a physical relationship anymore. I'm exhausted and out of ideas. I'm at the point of just leaving and never looking back, although she will finish turning my children against me if I'm not around. She definitely brings out the worst in me, especially if I feel cornerd and she is having a relentless moment of badgering me with words and how I don't care or love her. Which is so far from the truth or would have left years ago. 😔
I would take her straight to a psychologist and read this note to her in front of a professional third party. Or have the professional read it to her, while you secretly record it as a "safety" net. If a meeting with a doctor doesn't smarten her up, you have the recording as proof that you tried, and if she starts to "alienate" you towards your children, I'd play the thing, to your children. Play dirty right back. I hated it when my family members were at each other's throats for things that the other parent could not do better than they were doing. Good luck, and I don't care if it is legal or not to record, where I come from it is legal. I do not like lies and twisting of the truth.
I am this woman. I am critical when I deeply care. I do not want to watch the person I love suffer, or to watch us suffer, or digress. I firmly believe that a strong woman can feel unloved and mistreated by her partner. A human will always have some subconscious emotion of not being good enough. Even when it is their partner who, over time, has not been good to them. Even so, I believe a strong woman will stand up- and she will ask you to do the same. It actually means she is willing to walk with you through it all. She can only stand by you if you are standing. She does not want you to fall or fail. At least for a woman like me, I am independent. It takes alot of love for me to want to be with anyone, let alone through thick and thin. But I believe most hardships are like wounds, no matter the healing time that may be needed, it's best to address it as soon as possible. It looks like criticism, and maybe sometimes it is. She wants to be a partner.
I think independence is often cohabitating with this issue. I have developed hypervigilance due to being forced to be independent and take care of others at a young age. I don't know how to be "myself" unless I'm fixing or solving problems. That includes people close to me. It's never from a place of negativity, but more so :I want to help you!". Having adhd meant I had to work harder at this role I was assigned as a young child even more. I'm 37 and strangely independent and dependant at the same time. It's weird.
It IS selfish.. I can buy something blue and my husband will criticize the color, the fabric, the fact I spend money… it’s NOT not feeling special or whatever.. it’s about I didn’t do it the exact way he wanted it done.
Virgo how does HE dress? Is he stylish, does he have good taste. Does he ever say he’d love to come shopping WITH you next time. If not. It’s not about the colour or the outfit. He won’t be happy with _anything_ you do. Edit: which one’s the “Virgo” you or him? I think Virgo's are described as perfectionists.
I understand what she is saying. I have to disagree with her on the simple fact that everyone is aware of their actions and how they sound( tone of voice) when they speak to someone in a demeaning corrective tone. I feel like everyone gives people a "pass" because of insecurity but, insecurity is a individual issue and cannot be helped or mended by anyone other than the effected party. Some people just take it out on others, just leave these people alone until they figure their own stuff out. Otherwise you could be on the receiving end of their life of insecurity.
I'm never aware of my mean tone unless someone points it out. I've gotten in trouble for it my whole life. I'd definitely say not everyone is or can manage that all of the time. It's also really hard to fix..your voice.
not everyone is aware of their tone of voice I'm deaf to my own tone of voice my angry sounds the same as I'm neutral & the only way I know this is I think I've said it neutrally & they get all huffy & say I'm bitch tone so there for this showcases I'm tone deaf to that. I can only sometimes rarely feel how my throat feels a bit tighter for anger yet this is a rare component & not reliable to help me know if I'm using an angry, sad, or whatever tone as it all sounds neutral to me and feels like it's coming out of my throat in the majority of the time as a neutral delivery & tone.
What about someone who is in the habbit of complaining about everything. Criticising other people a lot as well as partner. I have that and she never asks me how my day was. It is constantly about her.
I had one of these for a bit. I radically accepted that she was never going to change unless she were to change herself. That empowered me to move on in favor of someone who actually likes me, sees good in me, and wants to be with me. People have to WANT to change this about themselves. I hope mine thinks about the loss long enough to consider whether there is something she can change and not just my own faults (that I do otherwise have and readily work on/acknowledge.)
@@kimberlyhauser7724 May I ask, did you move on in favour of that someone else while still with the first one? Was that someone else the catalyst that helped you to see clearer, to not take on unnecessary blame, & to move on?
My bf is over weight and out of shape and I constantly compliment him, build him up over the past 2 years. (I don’t struggle with body issues and I’m very confident) And in turn what does he do he attempts to tear me down he picks apart my body, says he likes to sleep with women that look like this and look like that. Which I am none of his descriptions. I’m tired of it and how ever he is feeling about himself is his issues to deal with I’m done!!!
Building up a man who is obviously committed to tearing you down, is like drinking poison. Been there. You can’t love him into not being a shitty person.
Trying to figure out what to do when you’re in a group that you make and someone is extremely belittling or condescending to a friend or a spouse in a group ?
Insightful but sometimes certain behavior warrants criticism and it is not enough to just express a wish. For example, it is not enough to say "I wish you were not a jerk to me in the party in front of everybody" because that makes it sound almost as if that's a mere preference when in fact it should not have even happened in the first place.
Great distinction. I wouldn’t define saying that to your partner would be a critique in the first place, but something that’s true and you want to change. - D, FS Team
@@tkppodcast yes, but I get the sense that criticism can always be viewed as "this is true and I want it to change". Even her example "why don't you ask me about my podcast?" could be translated as "you're not paying enough attention, we are here to talk about my podcast but you're talking about other things", which can be seen as something that should change and not just a matter of mere preference. Anyway, perhaps it's a matter of degree, going from extreme examples like my original one to milder ones like the podcast one.
What if my partner criticizes my weight? He says he doesn't feel "heard" because my weight stagnated for a year. I lost 40 lbs initially, then my weight bounced around by 10 lbs for a year. I'm still down about 30 lbs, but he says I'm not taking HIS feelings into account because I'm not continuing to lose weight. He brings up my lack of progress every time we see each other. I still track my weight daily and I still count calories. It's not like I've given up. But because my journey has some ups and downs I'm not listening to him? I know he loves me and our relationship isn't based on physical appearances. I think if anything, he wants me to become physically attractive to him. But at this point I'm sick of hearing about it. I am working on it! But to him, I should already be at my goal weight.
Sorry to say but that isn’t love and he is basing your relationship on physical looks… any partner that critiques your weight, does not have your heart or feelings in mind. If they cared, truly about your heart and your health( they’d ask you if there was anything they could do to support/ encourage you with it). People forget that their words and delivery of the spoken word speaks volumes of where their heart is.
I tell my husband what I want all the time have been for the last 10 years. It has gotten to the point where I just blame him now because I have already communicated my wants and desires and it is his fault why it isn’t being done.
It's a wish? Well, why hadn't I thought of that? 6 years of her "wishes" has led me to become inconsequential in my own life. Dammit, if only I'd known to try harder to get her approval.
Ask your partner what it is that they want and show interest in them. If they ask for something you can’t offer, see if you can compromise but importantly express that it’s important to you, and she is important to you
After every criticizing comment you see how she was able to put it back on you ! A total game playing Narcissistic person would do this ! And then have the gall to say I have to put myself out there as a defense..... Just So Pathetic
All u said is true, as to internal whys…but… end result of these internal issues leads to….spouse… constantly -criticizing is usually cheating w a person or on porn hub…could b a narcissist
So by telling someone they aren't good enough for you or can't love you like you want them to! Because you feel like your neglected!? Is going to help?
Many PEOPLE do this. Don't just point to one gender. Both can have ineffective communication (not vulnerable is another way of saying that), not saying clearly what they want, need, defining terms (as not all people agree on those) and what their boundaries are. It takes deep introspection, emotional intelligence, self awareness, and skills to communicate in ways where you are as clear as you think you are.
@@meme-zv7kw that's an unfortunate and global generalization. Inquire deeply to your own limiting beliefs. Cognitive distortions...like the black/white thinking you're displaying here. Rigid thinking is a poor attempt to shore up against the vast uncertainty in life. It's what people with deep anxiety do to try to feel "sure". People are far more complex than it seems your simple worldview allows for. Deeply multifaceted and many iterations, humans show up as. While maybe you can feel more in "control" by hanging on to your confirmation bias...it is an illusion. It would behoove you to take on the scary but expanding, growth mindset, that uses introspection and metacognition. I've worked with thousands of patients (male and female) in critical care, studied psychology for decades & study neuroscience currently. Your view is from a limited pinhole of the world. Expand that or stay limited (and blind).
Society says if women come out and say it they're a man or they're a bitch or they're bossy which is still bitch but with demand hence covert which one would you want?
“Is that selfish ❓”- Good question 🎯 & Esther’s self-conscious (& less than confident) “No” betrayed a lack of certainty she rarely displays… there are Grey areas here & men tire of being constantly expected to ‘read between the lines’-🤷🏻
What if they tell you’re a burden to your family and friends? Don’t make enough money? Don’t plan enough dates? Don’t do the dishes right? Accuse you of judging them out of the blue? Accuse you of cheating on them? Meanwhile you have made attempts to reassure them how amazing you think they are and you would never ever do that.
The guy host is correct, they are nagging to try and change behavior. That is selfish and manipulative. As a guy or girl you are telling the person "i dont like what you are, change"
Maybe the partner wants the other to improve in that particular area. Maybe that person is insecure about themselves? Which way is the wind blowing today?
Incredibly vivid and impactful; similar to a book that was impactful in its vivid storytelling. "The Art of Saying No: Mastering Boundaries for a Fulfilling Life" by Author Name
This is absolutely wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. Read the book In sheep's Clothing. Some people are indeed fighting constantly to cause you harm and criticism is a powerful tool that they use.
Mmmm I wish she used a different scenario. Criticism from Negative ppl & Narcs are not about being Neglected…. They just can’t Stand to See you Happy, so they will try to come after your Self Esteem, to Extinguish your Light
Yes they defend themselves but it is also a sign of mistrust. They think you hurt them even though they probably hurt you more. People with low maturity are usually doing that. 😅
simple to establish one's boundaries and communicate diuretic without subterfuge or games. Why not simply say I need this" or "I would like this" and go from there. fulla excreent. grow up and take res0sibility.
I get what she is saying but as a woman I agree with the guy more in a sense that you are being selfish by criticizing rather than being vulnerable and saying what I want instead which is way more effective. She’s way too complicated over explaining this
this guy asked a very idiotic question. There is nothing more selfish than not noticing the other one in your relationship, actually. This guy lacks basic understanding of human beings.
Woman criticise because they feel negative emotion more strongly. They are also more passive and think their job ends at pointing out something isn't right
This is false. Women do at least two and a half times more emotional labor and instigate more relationship repairs and opportunities for connection. In general, men get emotionally flooded quicker than women and according to the Gottman Institute, at least 65% of men actually increase negativity during a couple's conflict.
“if i communicate clearly then i have to put myself out there and be slightly vulnerable. so instead i will berate you and disrespect you our entire relationship” women lol
I tell my husband I criticize about little things because I’m looking for any area where he hears me and is a sign of loving me if he stops doing what I’m criticizing me.
Some people really lack self worth because of how they are raised as a child….
So true........ I'm one of 'em
Wow the ending. A protection against being hurt is to criticise the other person. Wow wow wow
This hit me like a ton of bricks and I never knew why I was being critical. Makes me want to cry to be honest but now I know how to communicate what I'm really feeling and make a change
How my ex made me feel for two maybe three years. I had a women compliment me the other day and I almost cried. I realized I had gotten so accustomed to being criticized that I just agreed and bought into all of it and someone saying something nice felt foreign to me.
@@Unxpekted I feel that!
@@AmillieX-te1mh I still love her. I recognize we are all doing our best with our level of consciousness at that time. I hold no grudges. Maybe she’ll realize one day… She really couldn’t ever see her faults as she was so hyper focused on minute things. Even during couples therapy our therapist called her out and she still couldn’t accept that she’s done anything wrong as he’s sitting there telling her that all she does is bash me in the sessions. I wasn’t perfect but I certainly I didn’t deserve it. I need to heal for sure…
Well done 🎉
@rx7sign this hit me hard bro. I broke up with my girl last night. I simply couldn't take the bursts of anger. Very small petty trivial matters that are blown way out of proportion and kept at an intense level are so draining. I was literally reduced to tears before she suddenly felt bad and hugged me. But the damage is done, it's happened on countless occasions and I couldn't take it anymore.
She says "this is me. I can never change."
I used to be impulsive, angry, jealous etc myself. But I became a better man by practicing and trying self improvement techniques. As difficult as they were, I've come a long way. I don't feel she's even willing to try properly. Maybe she really is hardwired like that who knows. But for my own sanity I had to break up and now I'm sad but willing to go gym and work today because negativity from a partner should never be something we stand for. Especially when you done nothing wrong. Or even if you did do something wrong, there are ways to go about expressing yourself. After 6months we were a week away from our 1st holiday together, but I am willing to miss out on it. I even quit my job for this and now who knows what's next for me. But I know one thing, I'm sad but at peace. I feel free.
To anyone reading this, I wish you make the right choices because you only lice once. Spend it with people who make you happy, not sad. Bless you all. 🙏
I cannot believe how you could break down every part of it so nicely that it resonated with my feelings. In this era we are ashamed of putting ourselves down to ask for something. That makes us feel fragile. But we act strong and we fake it
Sir, you are 100% correct. Someone constantly criticizing another is abusive.
I'm a grown man constantly treated like a child. I can't breath until on my own. Constantly bossed around. I have to hear everyone else's day but no one wants to hear about mine.
I love you
I love you too Simon ❤️
That’s my life too. So how was your day today?
I feel that. I'm in the same boat.
Insightful. Passive aggressive conflict avoidance. I saw it with my mother and father and to some extent do this myself
Remember a relationship holds values because it benefits both. So speaking up for oneself even via criticism is a necessary (especially with avoidant attachment as they really do no do well with confrontation) and benefits both partners especially is equality is a value.
This is exactly how I interpret this behavior too. So many want to scream narcissist and abuser, and yes, the oppressor is using their narcissist traits, traits we all have...but deeper than pointing a finger at them is asking the question WHY they are behaving like that. This woman GETS IT. They are hurting and need reassurance and don't know how to express what they're feeling. I love that she's pinpointed it to feelings of not being worthy, not being loveable and not feeling good enough to be loved by you. I can better address my partner now. When he starts criticizing, I'm going to gently but firmly start saying "you are worthy, you are loveable, you are good enough, I love you" and see what happens over time. If I remember this post, I'll come back to give an update.
That's the worse thing to tell a narcissist..telling them how special they are ...and waiting for them to reciprocate. Lol..narcissists dont have empathy...they dont love..except themselves
I'd love to know if you did in fact tell him those things and how it went. In reply to the comment about it being the last thing to tell a narcissist, I didn't get the impression her husband is a narcissist. And not all who are critical are narcissists. I apologize if I'm speaking out of line or being offensive. That's definitely NOT my intention. And I'm no Dr, nor do I know it all.... But I've lived it. Researched it. And always learning something new. I'd love to know all I could about the human psyche and how the mind works. My husband is EXTREMELY intelligent and it can be intimidating at times. His mind NEVER stops racing. He has been blind since birth, but never allowed his disability to keep him from doing about anything. He's a beautifully talented musician/drummer. Been on tour with several well known bands all over the world. He has a woodworking shop where he builds amazing pieces of art and furniture. And still has all his fingers! Something he jokes about quite often. He loves making people laugh and is SO quick witted! But beneath all that talent, all the accomplishments and all the laughs.... He is his own worst enemy and constantly fighting a battle in his mind and it breaks my heart. He's such an amazing person and I'd give anything if he could see himself the way I do. I'm always open to suggestions and would love to hear others experience with something similar involving a spouse ...
I’ve reached your conclusion before and it really shows that you’re a good person. I hope through this experiment you’re able to determine if they partner is a good person for you.
@pollynunnally5863 most narcissists are victims of trauma. The reason they utilize more of the narcissistic traits (traits we all have within us) was their way of defending themselves and dealing with their trauma. Not sure if ur familiar with the 16 personality types, Myers Briggs? Many types are not in touch with their feelings. When they feel emotions, they have a hard time pinpointing what they're feeling, it leaves them in a scary, confused place. Think back to a time when you were emotional but didn't exactly know what u were feeling. It's absolutely scary and confusing! There's billions of ppl walking around everyday who don't know exactly what they're feeling, they're scared and confused 24/7. Furthermore, how to process and organize their feelings is beyond their internal knowledge. From an early age they learn to put up big walls around their emotions, it's much easier than feeling scared and confused. They end up pushing away their feelings so they don't have to live in a constant state of torment. These are your regular everyday people, you probably talk to 20 of them everyday. Now imagine if you are a victim of trauma at an early age, not only are u unable to understand the abuse, but ur not able to process ur feelings about it. These ppl cannot even communicate their feelings (which is what leads them from behaving their feelings. When we cannot communicate our feelings, we behave them) so now u have a bunch of kids acting out their feelings when they don't even know what they're feeling. U just see brass, unforgiving behaviors coming out of them. They're stuck and confused. If trauma/abuse continues, these kids are going to develop extreme defense mechanisms to protect themselves. This is where the ego and using our narcissistic traits come into a stronger play. It's all to defend themselves. They absolutely have emotions. They absolutely care about other humans, including their partners. But they're still operating in trauma response mode. They are damaged goods. They will most likely never operate in any other way than they've learned to be. They are not even aware they are the narcissist. They are out to get everyone to like them, why? Because they've always felt not good enough their whole lives. Unworthy of love. They were most likely told this by their caregivers or ppl they looked up to and relied on most. They live their lives trying to get ppl to like them, think they're great, get external praise, bc their inner voice is so bleak and empty. The outer world's acceptance and praise is what keeps them from ending themselves. It's absolutely necessary others approve of them. They go out of their way to be the nice guy. The fun guy. The life of the party. The one everyone notices and praises. They honestly believe they are the good guy. But they hate themselves. It's only projected onto those who are closest to them. Mine apologizes all the time. Stops and breaks down saying he never wants to hurt me the way he does. I know it's all projection of what he feels inside. There's so much turmoil and hate for his own self it absolutely spills over onto me and anyone else close to him. He lives in a fake external happiness and wants to stay there. He never wants to look inwardly bc it's not only too painful, but, back to the beginning of what I was saying, his personality type has no flippin idea how to navigate and process what he's feeling. So he ignores it. Which makes it worse. Every pain, every hiccup in his life, every argument, all swept under the rug only to be trapped there by the ginormous walls he's learned to put up to not have to face those feelings. They will never change. At the very most, they will learn to accept themselves in some ways, and thru therapy, learn how to navigate some feelings, and hopefully, be able to manage their treatment of you. They absolutely have emotions for others. They have hearts. They're traumatized. The other type of early traumatized kids grow into what a lot of ppl have got to know as empaths. Or, truly, ppl who know how to read someone's emotions. These are simply children who are of the 16 personality types who ARE able to recognize their feelings and emotions and know how to process them. They grow up building different kinds of defense tactics, such as, paying attention to other ppl's emotions, paying attention to even the smallest facial expressions to know what someone is feeling so they can be quick to run off to protect themselves or dive in to try and help the abuser calm down before the situation gets too escalated. What's interesting is the empath and the narcissist share such similar deep pains and turmoil, they easily recognize it within one another and attract each other. The empath will nurture the narcissist while the narcissist further abuses the empath. It can go both ways. Empaths can also learn to use more of their narcissistic traits to protect themselves and be quite damaging to the narc. Esp bc they understand emotions and feelings so well, they know exactly how to abuse the narcissists confusion in that area. It's probably one of the best examples of trauma bonding. Similar traumas attract. Both experience similar abuse as children, one type understands emotions and deals with it in their own dark ways, another is confused with their emotions and deals with it by behaving their feelings bc they do not know how to communicate them.
Update please
This totally worked.
He criticised me about something petty and small, we had a fight. After this video I came back with "what are you really upset about? You know I care about you and believe you're the right man for me. We can talk when I get home in an hour"
Jesus it opened the door to a boatload of hidden emotions for him to talk to me about.
Had nothing to do with the petty criticisms.
That’s awesome
Success! Maybe not “problem solved” but obstacle moved. I’m happy for you and him.
My whole life will be better if I can learn to share what is special about me and what I want/need instead of what I wish you had done. I thank you
Criticism doesn't beget love
Broken people behave that way. To make excuses and not acknowledge what’s really going on and to get along is not the answer. Until the person who is criticizing get healed from the trauma that they’ve been through before getting into any relationship, the relationship will be very different.
@@lbar9720I kind of felt judge at the beginning of my relationship. I feel like I was being judged for who I am. He was saying you're too old for having toys they were Disney toys. He was pretty much saying Disney is for just kids. He did sorry tho. And he hasn't judge me since he doesn't judge me anymore. But I felt like I couldn't carry my favorite Disney toy when I was with him. I had to hide it all the time all the time 😢 I just feel like he didn't accept me. I was almost going to attend to throw my favorite toy away.
I deal with this with my family. I will ask them to do something multiple times and they don’t. Instead of complaining I just avoid them and they will ask me what the problem is (noticing my distance) and when I tell them… they gaslight me and pretend like the problem is somewhere else. So it forces me to want to distance myself from them more, always feeling misunderstood when I am the main one communicating what I want or need yet never having enough words or explanation to get them to see my point of view.
It’s like your in my thoughts. I can understand and feel the same way.
Wife and kids or parents/siblings?
@@jackjack4412 parents siblings. This year I’ve also taken steps to work on things I may be doing that adds to the problem. This included becoming more assertive and less flexible/tactful with others people feelings. Saying things how I think and feel them to convey my feelings also helped. Also the distance helped a bunch because it let me reset the relationship in a way. Although I can’t get all that I want I’ve learned to deal with family where they are but also learn when to pull back and that helps me not feel like I give too much and it becomes draining.
@@BakerClan Wow, you seem mature, great job! I don't know you but can relate, so it's inspirational to hear that you're navigating the situation so well. All the best to you and your family.
Aww man I totally understand where you are coming from. I deal with this with my baby daddy
Instead of “communicating” with your spouse in a healthy way.....you will emotionally abuse your spouse... manipulate...Critique..
It’s a narcissistic! You don’t want to put in the “work” so instead you bully and berate!
I have a critical spouse... it’s like a constant state of criticism, never doing enough... never be enough and I’m constantly going through an imaginary checklist in my mind... did I say hello, smile, ask about the day, is the house clean, did I do everything he wanted and guess what?? It’s still never enough! It’s like a black hole.
I think the context of what is happening in this conversation is important. If this is criticism that occurs occasionally, that is fine. If it is constant, that is not fine. If love is there, you will make up sooner or later. The spark of love is enough to solve these problems. But sometimes love is an illusion we create to fulfil our own desires.
Your questions (the imaginary checklist) come from a state of fear. You are already hurt by the berating. Now you fear you will be criticised, and if you are, that will create even more hurt. That is not love!
Then, my friend, you must run. You may not think it is easy now, but you must go and believe me, you will be happier and you will make it. Take it from someone who lived a wretched life for decades with this imaginary checklist, and the constant abuse, criticism and anger. Even after I left this person, I am still occasionally tormented by memories of those moments.
I wish I had left sooner. But I was only a child then and now I am a man. I could not suffer forever and die in regret. I had no excuses. Today I am free and much happier. Life is too precious, too short, to give it away to an irresponsible person!
This is what I go through every damn day. And one mistake will erase alllllllllll the good things I've done...it's never enough
I'm going through exactly the same thing to a tee at first I thought I was just imagining it I slowed down and started to listen intently to what was being said and observing actions I made notes in my phone regarding scenarios dates etc because when I brought things up calmly I was regularly being gaslighted. I was being constantly critiqued about everything. He comes home from work and takes his mood out on me frequently. I try to talk to him he either ignores or looks through me yet when he wants to talk he expects a response. I cook everyday nothing is appreciated I get negative feedback only of what I should have done. He said I won't propose until you lose weight. We share a business together where I do 90 percent of everything.....Ive give up looking after my appearance becausr I get constant accusations of cheating.........I now just cook clean and very rarely speak its the the only way I can protect myself......I need to leave I know I do that's my responsibility not his I need to find the strength
@@Muringomwangi1990 me too sounds like my life also
I think you missed the point. She said the reason for the criticism is that your spouse doesn't feel loved or lovable. And that might not even come from you but their inner child issues. You not recognizing that directly said that also says there is some unhealthy communications you might also be struggling with. Have you heard of love languages and attachment theory. You might be anxious attachment and your spouse is avoidant which is a very unhealthy and very common trauma bond relationship that happens.
I think Esther is not considering how selfish the person criticizing may be. Yes a protective device to avoid looking at your own flaws of a lack of empathy.
This is not true in every case! I put myself last and since my spouse ignores me and never responds when I ask questions are try to engage I can be critical as described here. I don't like that I am but being ignored triggers invalidation I had as a child neglected and abused!
I don't necessarily think so. I know in my relationship I did not start out criticizing, it started after several failed attempts at specifically asking outright for what I wanted/needed. And repeatedly being ignored or dismissed.
Maybe it's "selfish" in the way a 2 year old is "selfish".
When a person is critical, it often isn't aimed to hurt the other. Often they aren't that aware they are doing it...and/or they are paired with a partner with high rejection sensitivity, who can perceive criticism with even neutral requests, which happens a bit.
A 2 year old isn't trying to do anything but get their needs met. They do not have the words, self awareness, tools, to consider their affect on another person. This is kind of what happens in those criticizing. It's usually subconscious, poor communication skills (often due to poor childhood modeling and other conditioned behaviors), combined with limbic system activation. When the limbic system is in charge, it is not primed to communicate well, or consider others. It's more survival oriented, getting needs met, in almost desperation. This is often based on unresolved childhood wounds.
Does this mean you can't boundaries about it? Nope.
However, you shouldn't expect a level do communication that you yourself don't possess.
If you can't state your needs and boundaries, clearly, calmly, well defined, empowered and respectful, than you can't expect it of others.
There are many other forms of destructive communication, aside from criticism, that lack vulnerability, authenticity, that could be also seen as "selfish". Anytime we are dishonoring ourselves or others, by not being radically honest, yet kind, and clear...we aren't engaging in "clean" and empathetic (which is opposite of selfish) behavior.
@airthrowDBT well, if you come from a limiting beliefs, dualistic mind…that might be how you interpret what I wrote.
I’ve worked with thousands of patients (critical care) and now am working towards a degree in neuroscience. I am not “validating” the criticizer…but explaining a deeper complexity. It is only the simple minded, who prefer easy answers, that label through cognitive distortions in order to “demonize” the other. This is to feel “safer” in an illusory sense, because they cannot handle the complexity of the equation.
There can be many things that have and “and” also…vs either or.
The criticizer is often a very hurt person who in turn hurts others. Pain that is not transformed is transmitted (as the saying goes). Elaborating on this deeper truth, is not a “validation” of the “criticizer” nor is it an invalidation of the one who feels criticized.
You’re looking at it far too simplistically and tunnel vision.
When you can zoom out, consider there are many, many variables that you simply don’t know…only than can you truly inquire and learn.
Also, if you have a core wound of “not good enough” already, which is absolutely certain if this type of person’s behavior is taken personally…than you will view the world and other’s behavior with that slant, lens.
That means you are susceptible to other’s attacks any moment, and not empowered. While the original wound is not your fault, the reinforcing of it and it causing so much continued suffering, is your responsibility. I can say this, as someone who has worked years to heal that very wound.
Imagine if someone says you’re a 20 headed purple beetle. Is that going to sting, bother you very much? Not likely. Why? Because you have no former program, narrative, inside you, that is worried about being a 20 headed purple beetle. If someone said that, you’d realize it was more about that person, their silliness, or their own internal reality being very distorted.
When we know who we are, and have our core wounds healed….we see others “stuff” as theirs & we don’t let it mean anything about us.
That is being empowered.
@airthrowDBT it’s sad that you see as you do…and can’t seem to see yourself clearly.
What’s hypocritical is that you yourself are being critical…”novella” and then trying to undermine neuroscience! I am a writer, so…I write. I know enough, about how you took what I wrote and your narrative, to see the distortions. It’s like when I see a patient and I can immediately tell (with over 90 % accuracy) if they have HPA axis dysregulation. When you’ve worked with things long enough, you can spot them fast.
Your contracted, defended, yet double standard criticism is a neon light pointing to profound lack of self awareness, high egocentrism, emotional immaturity, among many other things.
You will continue to blame others and stay stuck with that way of thinking.
Please consider a mindfulness practice…you are exhibiting signs of thinking that is the antithesis of mindful.
Lastly…really? Regarding neuroscience! You didn’t need to write much to reveal your extreme ignorance and arrogance.
Neuroscience as over-rated. Please do tell. I’m profoundly curious. Please do explain why the latest science on Alzheimer’s and autism is “over-rated”. Please do explain about how the gut microbiome & its effects on brain neurotransmitters is “over-rated”. Please do tell me how the latest research on the nervous system, in regards to trauma, is “over-rated”. Please tell me how finding out more, about the cause of many conditions, with much suffering…is “over-rated”.
Or, is it that you have no clue about what neuroscience entails & spoke out of turn? That your threatened ego reacted, in a emotionally dysregulated way, which caused your frontal cortex to be unable to be involved in your comment? Or was it the anterior cingulate cortex, that failed to stop the impulse?
I worked with open heart surgery, stroke, pulmonary issues, organ failure and more…neuroscience was at the root of many of the reasons those patients ended up in those situations. So, to tell me that it’s over-rated…is hilarious. Thanks for the laugh 😘
Mentioning Esther Perel in the title might get this video more, and well-deserved, views. Great topic 👍🏿
2:42 - "...and that's why I decide to put it on you" is not okay, does not make sense and is unacceptable. What are you doing to your partner if you use verbal aggression to externalize your frustration? Simple: throwing them away.
The awful truth behind this situation is: they should leave you. You should experience the consequences of you actions. You cannot expect to mistreat your partner and receive positive reinforcement in return.
It is your fault. Take accountability.
Yes, absolutely.
So people criticise and hurt their partner who they claim to love so they themselves don't get hurt? That is the epitomy of selfish. It's sick.
At the beginning of my relationship I felt criticise judged for what I love. I told him I love Disney toys that I buy toys than he said you're your 26 years old. Disney for kids. I was attempted to throw my favorite toy away. Every time I hung out with him I hide it from him. He did apologize he doesn't do it anymore. I was around 26 when I first started dating him. But I do feel like he told me to grow up I remember him saying after that I'm a terrible boyfriend he said.
This is a lovely idea and has a place in thinking through a disagreement, but neglects the too-frequent reality of ongoing criticism and verbal abuse by those who are simply seeking a pretext and a target.
Thank you!
Well said!
I think they didn't address that because that part is obvious and it's a go to assumption for a lot of people. It's a surface level analysis in other words, but this video digs deeper.
@@jackjack4412that’s great that it digs deeper but there needs to be a solution to the criticism. Because criticism can come across as verbal assault or abuse at times. Criticism is not always constructive. Even when you think you’re being constructive “helpful”. This can be perceived, as being torn down by your partner, and not being truly accepted. If there is a wish, or a desire that you have from your partner that needs to be expressed with out the criticism. All criticism does is makes your partner feel like their efforts aren’t good enough. It sounds like conditional love, and that is how it is received. And when the person hears criticism long enough, they feel like they could never make the partner happy so they just stop trying. Criticism is one of the four horsemen of a relationship breaking up. The four horsemen are contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. It is best to address your communication skills with your partner, so that you’re not unintentionally being toxic. Everything else is just an excuse.
@@Tobe82-b9q sometimes stuff just needs to get done. People need to learn to embrace criticism.
Thank you for sharing this, it’s Powerful….one’s lack of Self Worth, A protection device, Wow and what someone is actually feeling….incredible Insight… your knowledge is Appreciated very much , Grateful 🙏
this is an excellent part of the discussion for a clip of something which really matters. thanks
Esther Perel is the single most insightful and pragmatic relationship mechanic out there that I know of.
Narcissists can explain their way out of anything.
Sometimes we just want to know that what we did made her happy. Or that we are accepted. Constant criticism messes with self esteem.
It’s such a double-edged sword. I remember learning that hurt people end up hurting people, and that’s what happens in situations like you mention. I believe it’s one of our lowest levels of maturity.
After 5 years of relationships where my girlfriend has constantly tell me how I do things wrong for her, how I dont do thing right and make me feel im not up to her standards.
Saturday night I proposed and she said YES and on Sunday night she called me and told she didnt feel good because I didnt make a speech about how I feel about her, how I didnt tell her I loved her in that moment and she felt I managed it as an "ordinary" or "just another" day when I felt I put all my efforts into maling that day go how it should.
I feel really really sh**y on what is supposed to be one of the most important and happiest day of my life, i feel lost.
Bro, go away NOW
Do not marry her!
Dude you got to run, that sounds terrible. She is going to destroy you, you should not put up with that.
RUN before you lose half of everything you own.
I’m a female and I’m telling you to run 😯
I'm done adulting with immature people. Explain to the fools who wanna subconsciously keep being tortured. I'd rather be alone than have their crap
@airthrowDBT they do not. You making them the bad “other” keeps you from taking responsibility for you own life.
That’s a learned helplessness trait.
If you had early childhood trauma, it is highly likely that your “red flag meter” became broken in some way, and you have blind spots to certain behavior (as it was normalized in your home growing up…and it’s not very obvious as it can come in different “flavors”). So, while it seems as a surprise…a person with a secure attachment style would’ve seen the signs.
Once we heal the wounds, our red flag meter recalibrates, and we can “see” the signs we would’ve previously missed
They are there…
Some people just cant handle hard facts when someone is being open and honest some people have standards unconditional love is bs thats how you lose yourself self love self respect is first you cant make people respect you sometimes we confuse it with being courtesy
This video is so valuable!
The trick is putting up a wall high enough to block the criticism and see through it, but low enough that you can still love your partner.
I wished so much yet I accepted that is okay not to get it, but at the same time it blows my mind I believe I deserve love, respect and genuine love because that's what I am doing. .. is just so hard to continually listening negative comments and words with definition not love , not respect no empathy.
One thing just so tired to complain and that iam just lacking this lacking that. Is like the husband cheated, was violent abusive, controls the $$$ and the economy.
Then all I hear is what I missed what I should be improving.
I know we have to do this for our selves with a partner that supports you is something I desire, soo tired of this narc and the never enough story
My partner constantly corrects me. It feels like criticism. I can't figure out if I'm being oversensitive?? 😢 It hurts like hell.
Same here, everyone telling Iam over analizing but my selfesteem is going down.
Research again & again and through experience working with people, a common pattern I'm seeing is people who don't open up and be themselves, and don't express what they truly think & feel first with THEMSELVES, always have problems in relationships with other people.
Good thing there's a way to break this conditioning and get back to who you really are inside :)
How then do you navigate a critical partner...it deflates me and I'm not making excuses for him anymore
I have a physical disability. Every day, I live in pain that would bring people to their knees. I work a full-time job, and every day varies on how much energy I have at when I get home to get my honey due list done. My wife will remind me every day of my list, and when I tell her I can't do it that day, she will insist that I am just making that up or being lazy. She insults me demeans my character and has actually brought out suicide thoughts in me. I have accomplished many of these things on my list, but then it just grows and becomes larger. I am miserable daily, I have to pretend to smile when I know it's appropriate, and I encourage her every day I don't say negative things to her. I'm too busy trying to deal with my own misery and pain to fight back. I have offered her the suggestion of divorce if she wants out. She says that's what I want even though I don't. I just don't want to take the blame for her resenting me. We barely have a physical relationship anymore. I'm exhausted and out of ideas. I'm at the point of just leaving and never looking back, although she will finish turning my children against me if I'm not around. She definitely brings out the worst in me, especially if I feel cornerd and she is having a relentless moment of badgering me with words and how I don't care or love her. Which is so far from the truth or would have left years ago. 😔
I would take her straight to a psychologist and read this note to her in front of a professional third party. Or have the professional read it to her, while you secretly record it as a "safety" net. If a meeting with a doctor doesn't smarten her up, you have the recording as proof that you tried, and if she starts to "alienate" you towards your children, I'd play the thing, to your children. Play dirty right back. I hated it when my family members were at each other's throats for things that the other parent could not do better than they were doing. Good luck, and I don't care if it is legal or not to record, where I come from it is legal. I do not like lies and twisting of the truth.
That sounds like a really awful situation and bad for your mental state and stability. Take care of yourself.
To be honest, she sounds vile
I am this woman. I am critical when I deeply care. I do not want to watch the person I love suffer, or to watch us suffer, or digress. I firmly believe that a strong woman can feel unloved and mistreated by her partner. A human will always have some subconscious emotion of not being good enough. Even when it is their partner who, over time, has not been good to them. Even so, I believe a strong woman will stand up- and she will ask you to do the same. It actually means she is willing to walk with you through it all. She can only stand by you if you are standing. She does not want you to fall or fail. At least for a woman like me, I am independent. It takes alot of love for me to want to be with anyone, let alone through thick and thin. But I believe most hardships are like wounds, no matter the healing time that may be needed, it's best to address it as soon as possible. It looks like criticism, and maybe sometimes it is. She wants to be a partner.
Can you handle a man being the same way towards you though?
@@Oyb730 absolutely
I think independence is often cohabitating with this issue. I have developed hypervigilance due to being forced to be independent and take care of others at a young age. I don't know how to be "myself" unless I'm fixing or solving problems. That includes people close to me. It's never from a place of negativity, but more so :I want to help you!". Having adhd meant I had to work harder at this role I was assigned as a young child even more. I'm 37 and strangely independent and dependant at the same time. It's weird.
It IS selfish.. I can buy something blue and my husband will criticize the color, the fabric, the fact I spend money… it’s NOT not feeling special or whatever.. it’s about I didn’t do it the exact way he wanted it done.
Maybe another day, when you buy something, just keep it as secret. Your relationship will thank you, hehe
Keep the dress. Return the husband.
Virgo how does HE dress? Is he stylish, does he have good taste. Does he ever say he’d love to come shopping WITH you next time. If not. It’s not about the colour or the outfit. He won’t be happy with _anything_ you do. Edit: which one’s the “Virgo” you or him? I think Virgo's are described as perfectionists.
I understand what she is saying. I have to disagree with her on the simple fact that everyone is aware of their actions and how they sound( tone of voice) when they speak to someone in a demeaning corrective tone. I feel like everyone gives people a "pass" because of insecurity but, insecurity is a individual issue and cannot be helped or mended by anyone other than the effected party. Some people just take it out on others, just leave these people alone until they figure their own stuff out. Otherwise you could be on the receiving end of their life of insecurity.
I'm never aware of my mean tone unless someone points it out. I've gotten in trouble for it my whole life. I'd definitely say not everyone is or can manage that all of the time. It's also really hard to fix..your voice.
not everyone is aware of their tone of voice I'm deaf to my own tone of voice my angry sounds the same as I'm neutral & the only way I know this is I think I've said it neutrally & they get all huffy & say I'm bitch tone so there for this showcases I'm tone deaf to that. I can only sometimes rarely feel how my throat feels a bit tighter for anger yet this is a rare component & not reliable to help me know if I'm using an angry, sad, or whatever tone as it all sounds neutral to me and feels like it's coming out of my throat in the majority of the time as a neutral delivery & tone.
What about someone who is in the habbit of complaining about everything. Criticising other people a lot as well as partner. I have that and she never asks me how my day was. It is constantly about her.
I had one of these for a bit. I radically accepted that she was never going to change unless she were to change herself. That empowered me to move on in favor of someone who actually likes me, sees good in me, and wants to be with me. People have to WANT to change this about themselves. I hope mine thinks about the loss long enough to consider whether there is something she can change and not just my own faults (that I do otherwise have and readily work on/acknowledge.)
@@kimberlyhauser7724 May I ask, did you move on in favour of that someone else while still with the first one? Was that someone else the catalyst that helped you to see clearer, to not take on unnecessary blame, & to move on?
My bf is over weight and out of shape and I constantly compliment him, build him up over the past 2 years. (I don’t struggle with body issues and I’m very confident) And in turn what does he do he attempts to tear me down he picks apart my body, says he likes to sleep with women that look like this and look like that. Which I am none of his descriptions. I’m tired of it and how ever he is feeling about himself is his issues to deal with I’m done!!!
Awful, get away from him
Building up a man who is obviously committed to tearing you down, is like drinking poison. Been there. You can’t love him into not being a shitty person.
Trying to figure out what to do when you’re in a group that you make and someone is extremely belittling or condescending to a friend or a spouse in a group ?
this is only about one really specific kind of criticism.
Great Content, highly appreciated!
Insightful but sometimes certain behavior warrants criticism and it is not enough to just express a wish. For example, it is not enough to say "I wish you were not a jerk to me in the party in front of everybody" because that makes it sound almost as if that's a mere preference when in fact it should not have even happened in the first place.
Great distinction. I wouldn’t define saying that to your partner would be a critique in the first place, but something that’s true and you want to change.
- D, FS Team
@@tkppodcast yes, but I get the sense that criticism can always be viewed as "this is true and I want it to change". Even her example "why don't you ask me about my podcast?" could be translated as "you're not paying enough attention, we are here to talk about my podcast but you're talking about other things", which can be seen as something that should change and not just a matter of mere preference. Anyway, perhaps it's a matter of degree, going from extreme examples like my original one to milder ones like the podcast one.
That's different I'd say...more abusive there..I'd say..if u put me down again, I'll question whether I want stay in this relationship...ur move..
To him, I'd be thinking...ur move now, stop it, or I'll consider leaving..
I heard another you tuber say:
You don't have much posetive to say about me, do you?
In a way "forcing" them to express posetivity.
My partner is grieving a loss of a family member. And I’m being targeted with nitpicking, and criticism I’m walking on eggshells.
What if my partner criticizes my weight? He says he doesn't feel "heard" because my weight stagnated for a year. I lost 40 lbs initially, then my weight bounced around by 10 lbs for a year. I'm still down about 30 lbs, but he says I'm not taking HIS feelings into account because I'm not continuing to lose weight. He brings up my lack of progress every time we see each other. I still track my weight daily and I still count calories. It's not like I've given up. But because my journey has some ups and downs I'm not listening to him?
I know he loves me and our relationship isn't based on physical appearances. I think if anything, he wants me to become physically attractive to him. But at this point I'm sick of hearing about it.
I am working on it!
But to him, I should already be at my goal weight.
Sorry to say but that isn’t love and he is basing your relationship on physical looks… any partner that critiques your weight, does not have your heart or feelings in mind. If they cared, truly about your heart and your health( they’d ask you if there was anything they could do to support/ encourage you with it). People forget that their words and delivery of the spoken word speaks volumes of where their heart is.
He's the weight that you ought to lose
He's crap and it will only get worse
My husband constantly corrects me. How I drive. How I dress. How I speak. Everything, constantly
Control
@@moyvuong7406shut up
He’s uncomfortable with your differences…and only secure and trusting of his ways.
get tf out girl deevorse
So insightful as always!!
I tell my husband what I want all the time have been for the last 10 years. It has gotten to the point where I just blame him now because I have already communicated my wants and desires and it is his fault why it isn’t being done.
It's a wish? Well, why hadn't I thought of that? 6 years of her "wishes" has led me to become inconsequential in my own life. Dammit, if only I'd known to try harder to get her approval.
This is the type my boyfriend is. This explains a lot. I’ve been dating him for 7 months and the way he treats me makes me feel very depressed.
I yell my husband exactly what I want and he never does it.😂
Wow tysm!
Ok.We know the reason. Lack of self worth. How as man we should handle this critisicm?What are some practical speech responses to this critiques?
Ask your partner what it is that they want and show interest in them. If they ask for something you can’t offer, see if you can compromise but importantly express that it’s important to you, and she is important to you
After every criticizing comment you see how she was able to put it back on you ! A total game playing Narcissistic person would do this ! And then have the gall to say I have to put myself out there as a defense.....
Just So Pathetic
Exactly, talk about gaslighting!
All u said is true, as to internal whys…but… end result of these internal issues leads to….spouse… constantly -criticizing is usually cheating w a person or on porn hub…could b a narcissist
So by telling someone they aren't good enough for you or can't love you like you want them to! Because you feel like your neglected!? Is going to help?
No bro, idea is it's a mess already, so try if this works to unmess it a bit at least
She nails this without psychobabble or memespeak. I also dig the animation. Thanks.
So true, she isn't trying to persuade us, she is just saying
Extremely accurate most women communicate passive they just want come out and say it. They use hints and talk in circles
Many PEOPLE do this. Don't just point to one gender. Both can have ineffective communication (not vulnerable is another way of saying that), not saying clearly what they want, need, defining terms (as not all people agree on those) and what their boundaries are. It takes deep introspection, emotional intelligence, self awareness, and skills to communicate in ways where you are as clear as you think you are.
@@Alphacentauri819 Men are direct and to the point 👉
@@meme-zv7kw that's an unfortunate and global generalization. Inquire deeply to your own limiting beliefs. Cognitive distortions...like the black/white thinking you're displaying here. Rigid thinking is a poor attempt to shore up against the vast uncertainty in life. It's what people with deep anxiety do to try to feel "sure".
People are far more complex than it seems your simple worldview allows for. Deeply multifaceted and many iterations, humans show up as. While maybe you can feel more in "control" by hanging on to your confirmation bias...it is an illusion.
It would behoove you to take on the scary but expanding, growth mindset, that uses introspection and metacognition.
I've worked with thousands of patients (male and female) in critical care, studied psychology for decades & study neuroscience currently. Your view is from a limited pinhole of the world. Expand that or stay limited (and blind).
@@meme-zv7kwWish my fiance was. He's more passive and indirect than I am.
Society says if women come out and say it they're a man or they're a bitch or they're bossy which is still bitch but with demand hence covert which one would you want?
“Is that selfish ❓”- Good question 🎯 & Esther’s self-conscious (& less than confident) “No” betrayed a lack of certainty she rarely displays… there are Grey areas here & men tire of being constantly expected to ‘read between the lines’-🤷🏻
True that too
Writers r just amaizing.. wow
Can you imagine how many partners are criticizing their partner for answering the call to defend our homeland at the front?
No politics, just rough
TLDR; your verbally abusive partner is only verbally abusive because you are a bad partner
She is hella smart
This is a toxic way of communication
My ex had a lot of wishes.
haha
What if they tell you’re a burden to your family and friends? Don’t make enough money? Don’t plan enough dates? Don’t do the dishes right? Accuse you of judging them out of the blue? Accuse you of cheating on them? Meanwhile you have made attempts to reassure them how amazing you think they are and you would never ever do that.
The guy host is correct, they are nagging to try and change behavior. That is selfish and manipulative. As a guy or girl you are telling the person "i dont like what you are, change"
Omg I felt like they were describing my marriage. 😢
Maybe the partner wants the other to improve in that particular area. Maybe that person is insecure about themselves? Which way is the wind blowing today?
Incredibly vivid and impactful; similar to a book that was impactful in its vivid storytelling. "The Art of Saying No: Mastering Boundaries for a Fulfilling Life" by Author Name
This is absolutely wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. Read the book In sheep's Clothing. Some people are indeed fighting constantly to cause you harm and criticism is a powerful tool that they use.
Agreed!
Except for some people, it's right.
Just as in some cases, you're explanation is right.
Mmmm I wish she used a different scenario.
Criticism from Negative ppl & Narcs are not about being Neglected….
They just can’t Stand to See you Happy, so they will try to come after your Self Esteem, to Extinguish your Light
I got a sense that critical people hate to see in others what they hate about themselves..Imperfection.
Well those are not criticism.
Ok When I’m put on the spot in front and f others because he knows I’ll go along with him instead of embarrassing myself
So my partner has a low self esteem 🤔
Yes they defend themselves but it is also a sign of mistrust. They think you hurt them even though they probably hurt you more. People with low maturity are usually doing that. 😅
Sounds like bs to excuse bad behaviour and put it onto the man.
1:00
simple to establish one's boundaries and communicate diuretic without subterfuge or games. Why not simply say I need this" or "I would like this" and go from there. fulla excreent. grow up and take res0sibility.
Also, what she is saying justifies bad behavior. She’s describing a toxic relationship that probably shouldn’t last
I get what she is saying but as a woman I agree with the guy more in a sense that you are being selfish by criticizing rather than being vulnerable and saying what I want instead which is way more effective. She’s way too complicated over explaining this
I hear a lot of passive aggressive rationalization.
the bizarre way is difficult to understand for non bizarre people, so whole thing is a mess
this guy asked a very idiotic question. There is nothing more selfish than not noticing the other one in your relationship, actually. This guy lacks basic understanding of human beings.
Woman criticise because they feel negative emotion more strongly. They are also more passive and think their job ends at pointing out something isn't right
Because throughout history if we expressed a need directly we would be punished or ignored for it. Just like men have been for their emotions.
This is false. Women do at least two and a half times more emotional labor and instigate more relationship repairs and opportunities for connection. In general, men get emotionally flooded quicker than women and according to the Gottman Institute, at least 65% of men actually increase negativity during a couple's conflict.
I do ask questions but you have the memory of a gold fish
Wow
The videos in the background are scary yo
Yo
You need a safe space
Esther Peral justifies bad behavior. I think she is dangerous to relationships.
Yes exactly, she always justifies dreadful behaviour such as infidelity as well.
“if i communicate clearly then i have to put myself out there and be slightly vulnerable. so instead i will berate you and disrespect you our entire relationship”
women lol
I tell my husband I criticize about little things because I’m looking for any area where he hears me and is a sign of loving me if he stops doing what I’m criticizing me.
What do you do when you do say what you want and they ignore it lol