I worked at a daycare and the babies literally stop crying like 5 minutes after the parents leave. I have seen what routine can do for kids, how they thrive and learn to work together and correct each other, to live in an ecosystem with their peers. I also see kids who never went to daycare at 3-5 years old who can't communicate or behave in the way that the 1 and 2 year olds in my classes could. They don't think their parents died, I literally just tell them mommy and daddy are at work and will be back to pick them up and they say okay and keep playing. I WILL say that daycares that are understaffed are not safe for kids. I will say that parents who think they can drop their kids off and the teacher will potty train them or teach them life skills- no, we won't. I don't have time when I am juggling 14 toddlers. I am just trying to keep them from killing themselves or each other. We will teach them routine, we will teach them how to get along with others, we will show them care and kindness. They are not traumatized, I promise you they spend all day having fun and playing and talking about how they love their mommy and daddy.
Yes!! I’ve worked in childcare for 8 years. I am now a nanny but the last ECEC I worked at I was the only part time worker who was able to work with babies under 1(you have to be 18). The ages of the early childhood education center was 6 weeks to 6 years old. While yes, some kids just aren’t cut out for being in daycare, a lot of the issues we encountered had to do with their parents. Many parents would be frustrated that we were struggling with their child bc of things like not being sleep trained, not knowing how to drink from bottles and unethical practices they use at home and expected us to follow at the daycare. However, so many parents would tell me their children were developing much faster now that they were in daycare. The babies would see the others doing things and it would make them want to do them too(walking, pointing, clapping). Most kids forget about their parents at max 10 min after being dropped off. Ngl a couple wanted their iPads more than their parents. There is definitely a difference between kiddos who have been in daycare and early learning centers too. Lots of daycares are just childcare. Early childhood education centers are more routined and have some sort of educational program they have to follow. The pre K kids have to take entrance exams to get into kindergarten, but the kids who don’t go to daycare/pre k do not have to do those entrance exams. They include naming shapes, writing and spelling their names, naming all their colors, count up to 10, hold a pencil/crayon correctly, be able to rhyme words, recognize capital vs lowercase letters and more PLUS they MUST be potty trained. Some pre k kids will take this exam multiple times just to get into kindergarten. There was definitely a noticeable difference between those who went to the ECE school from a young age and those who came into the school at 3 or 4. The lack of social experience was verryyy evident. From my experience daycares in Colorado are very understaffed and have a HIGH turnover rate bc the majority of workers are either 16-24 or 55-70. This meant the older ladies would treat us younger ones very poorly. There is also a toxicity between the employees and management in many daycares. Most are underpaid and overworked, but 90% of those people love working with kiddos so much that they’ll stick it out
@Robinv0224 yepp exactly this! I worked at an ECE center that was designed to be more strict than most. I originally applied as part time because I didn't need the paycheck, I wanted to learn about taking care of kids and figured I might as well get paid for it, and they asked me to work full time "for a few weeks" until they hired more people. Fast forward 2 months and they hired people but still had me working full time. I asked if they would switch me to a full time employee then, so I could get the benefits, and their response was "well you applied for part time" so I asked again for part time hours and they said when I applied I noted I could work any hours. I meant any time of day, as part time.... anyways I stayed for 6 months until most of my original kids aged into the next class or moved because I didn't want them to have to get used to a new teacher. Everyone I worked with loved the kids but hated working there because we were just shuffled around all the time to cover understaffed rooms. I was a teacher with an assigned class and got treated like a floater because other staff refused to work with others.
@@fi0nabear yeah I was a breaker and floated. I told them when they hired me that I couldn’t handle being with the infants every day every week bc they were so little and the crying would trigger my migraines. They put me in the pre k wing for 3 weeks and then right back to infants. I stayed for 8 months and cried my last day bc I loved working with those kiddos. Two other teachers and I left on the same day. They were a private ecec and there was a LOT of abuse and toxic behaviors from management towards us. (Like switching to spanish when I’d walk up to the front desk) and they even tried to take a couple of the teacher’s free childcare away bc the public daycares in Colorado got state funded and they were losing money.
I have 4 kids that I successfully evaded daycare for, all their lives up until about ages 5-10. If you asked them yourselves? Daycare was the most traumatic thing they’ve ever experienced and they haven’t wanted to go back. It has forever changed my youngest and he even began doing desperate things such as peeing through his whole outfit. Just to make me late for work and not have to take him to daycare because he would do anything to not go to daycare and stay with me, instead., even pee his self! We started practicing to have them be at home instead. Which they’re much happier with. Because they honestly rather be at home than in a daycare environment. My kids have great social skills. Get along with other kids just fine. They live with 3 of their best friends, even. You guys can say from your perspective as adults, these things have no negative affect on children all you like because that’s your adult perspective and assumption, but you are not these kids. The kids actually feeling how they do. They Should be whose asked how they Feel about this. Or else this is just as bad as invalidating SA victims experiences..
@srealone788 I said understaffed centers can be straight up dangerous for kids so dont even start with comparing it to SA victims. Also, SA is literally assault and evil whereas centers are designed to literally improve their lives and support the kids away from parents. You had a bad center, and I believe that and I am glad you found something better for your kids. That said you having 4 kids at home basically the same socialization benefits as a daycare class. But a lot of parents honestly do not engage with their kids in ways that they are engaged with at a WELL RUN center. If a center is bad, by all means remove them, like I said I have worked in them, and I quit because I didn't like how it was managed. But there are a lot of benefits to daycare compared to the AVERAGE experience of children, not people with super parents.
As an American mom... it doesn't matter whether daycare is good or not. In a country that requires dual-income (or one very high salary) to survive, where even poor childcare can cost more than a mortgage, where families or mommy friends aren't always able to help -- daycare is the most affordable and accessible. No amount of pressure on politicians is going to change things significantly any time soon. So I don't care if it's a psychologist or an influencer, it doesn't serve any parent to shame them for what is often the only option if they want to continue to provide for their child. Besides, I think the research is always going to be inconclusive. A child's development and wellbeing is endlessly variable, how can any study conclusively determine the efficacy of daycare? There are so many contributing factors, it seems ridiculous to even try to draw any hard conclusions. The only one that might be accurate is that those who can afford the best childcare are probably most likely to have the best outcome. To no surprise.
I wish we could have a system that both supported women who want to work through affordable child care AND women who want to stay at home with their children. We should have the freedom of choice and children should be seen as our most valuable assets that need to be cared for and nurtured.
Absolutely but we also need to have honest conversations about what the ideal is, as someone who worked in early childhood education for ten years in an exceeding centre the highest standards still come nothing close to the 1-1 attention i gave to my first job as full time nanny. NOTHING CLOSE which means the child's development will suffer
i mean the whole point is that there are better and worse choices. you literally do have the choice to put a kid in daycare, it’s just not a good choice.
Definitely. To me the obvious reaction to this should be resolving the issues daycare has or reimagining the concept so it can serve it's purpose better. Instead people default to "women should stay at home then". It's really telling how far we have yet to go in terms of valuing women (and their choices) outside of motherhood.
If you are watching this, you are likely a great parent and doing your best. We can’t choose the cards we have, but we can play the best game we can with them. ❤
I think people claiming that having a stay-at-home parent is better for a child 100% of the time are missing a key talking point; parents can suck, too. CLARIFICATION SINCE SO MANY PEOPLE AREN’T UNDERSTANDING ME: My point is ultimately that having a SAHP does not eliminate, or even reduce, the amount of trauma a child will endure, depending on circumstance. Obviously, I think most of the mothers talking about their personal experiences are trying to do the best by their child, but not all parents have as pure of intentions. For the entire time she was in my life, my mother stayed at home with me and my brother, through school breaks, summer vacation, whatever. But, she was neglectful to the point of abuse. We’d go without food, we couldn’t leave the house to see friends, she never came out of her room. We were left to fend for ourselves, basically. I practically raised my brother, at least until our father finally stepped in. Being a stay at home parent is great for a lot of parents and their children, and daycare can cause issues for many children. But stay-at-home parents can cause just as much harm, and you have to recognize that before pedaling them as the golden standard. I haven’t finished the video yet, so I might edit this comment if necessary. I’m not disagreeing with anything said in the video, just adding on.
Not everyone is called to be a parent and if u suck as a parent who can't handle staying home for the crucial formative years of the child's life then they shouldn't become a parent... 😐
I feel like this point is not relevant to the video. Obviously people not fit to watch their children full time shouldn't have children and if they do they aren't the parents that this video pertains to. It's entirely another topic for daycare ro be more fit than a child's home life.
This we had a set of twins when I was working in childcare who's mom didn't give a fuck and she parentified her tween and you could tell it was the 12 and 8 year olds getting them ready in the AM. they didn't open to close at the daycare and where really better off that way. what's funny is the next job I was at was a desk job and my coworker was the twins grandmother's neighbor and grandma got custody of them.
@@kateneal1895 the point really is to this: "people claiming that having a stay-at-home parent is better for a child 100% of the time are missing a key talking point" "...they aren't the parents that this video pertains to" demonstrates that this video is not infact saying that being a stay at home parent is better 100% of the time. Otherwise, then it *would* include and pertain to those parents as well in advocating that they still stay home, as it would still be better than not. Keeping in mind they're not trying to refute the video, just adding another perspective that should be considered alongside it.
My first time working at a daycare, I was 19 and had no previous experience yet was hired on the spot. On my first day, they placed me to be in charge of the 2 year old classroom by myself and was simply told "keep them busy, read a book" with no direct training. The teacher of the 3 year old classroom was told to help me out with the basics. But all that meant was the teacher would peek between doors to tell me when it was time to do bathroom checks and go to the playground while she was busy trying to manage her own classroom. It was an absolute mess. I went weeks not knowing which kid belonged to which parents, not knowing I was supposed to bleach the changing table between changes, not knowing where supplies were, not knowing what activities I was expected to lead, etc. It was even worse when the the class size suddenly tripled and some of the kids had problem behaviors that were hard to manage with such high ratios. I'm generally soft spoken and very patient but even in those conditions I snapped a couple times and found myself screaming in the faces of little two year olds. (This daycare is no longer operating btw) All of this to say, the quality and organization of a daycare must be considered. I've worked at another daycare that was wonderful but they were high in demand, the waitlist was long, and were definitely priced higher.
Exactly. I think instead of looking at “is daycare bad in and of itself” they should look at the quality (and quantity) if daycares in this country. Many of them are not good.
I put my son in daycare when he was 12 months - 4 days before his first birthday. I had to return to my job and my studies. HE. LOVES. IT! The beginning was difficult, but we started slow with a few hours per day and built up to 6-7 hours per day. I drop him off at 8:45, they eat a snack and sing songs, then they play outside, he has lunch and a long nap, then he plays more and I pick him up. After the summer break I'm increasing it to 7-8 hours per day. When I drop him off he waves and runs into the room with the others and when I pick him up in the afternoon, we have to do a whole goodbye tour so he can wave to or hug his favourite pedagogs 😂❤ Like a celebrity leaving a gig. Has has been going there for half a year, and he has grown so much! It's good for his language development, he spends hours and hours outside, he learns new skills. I realise not all daycares are the same, but if these mom's can spread their negative anecdotes, I'll spread my positive one 😊
Same experience for me! Yes we can do without the germs or bill, but I alone can’t provide my child the stimulation and fun he gets from playing with friends all day
I agree with both of these statements. My son loves his daycare and teachers. He does cry a bit in the morning but stops in like two minutes and goes about his day. He's more advanced than other children we know who are older that are kept at home. He is also a very popular kid to the extent that the other kids all run up to say bye and know myself and our husband on site. He is almost 14 months and enjoys both independent play and playing with other children.
Same experience for me. My 2 year old loves going and they send pictures and they teach him so much- counting, abcs, singing songs, playing outside and being exposed to different food. Of coarse it costs more then my mortgage but he's doing way more then I would do if he stayed home with me
I feel as though this topic has sooo many variables it’s impossible to just say “don’t place your child in daycare.” The daycare matters, the child matters, the parents matter. If a parent is happy and able to stay home then good for them. If a parent wishes to return to work and has good care for their child then also good. This beats the alternative of a resentful parent staying home all day and possibly creating larger damage to their child with the effects of burnout and anger. Everyone on here crucifying parents for either staying home or sending children to daycare should take a step back. This issue is far too nuanced to have a hard stance either way.
@@rba4377 when did I say we shouldn’t? lol all I’m saying is that what’s good for the parent also matters as well! Yes we all want what’s best for our children. And what’s best for our children can look completely different in different homes. There are so many factors that are impossible to control for scientifically when studying this issue
not sending a child to daycare is a privilege in today's economy. I won't take smug advice from Mikhaila Peterson, who lives off her father's fame and has a 24 h live-in rota nanny (at least she is honest about it, though).
It is a privilege but the moms in my community who stay home make huge financial sacrifices to do so (no nannies here!). Living on one income in our expensive city is a challenge but a priority. I don't know anything about M. Peterson, so no comment there.
I appreciated your rant against governments (hello, US) that don’t take care of their women and children by providing ADEQUATE, FEDERALLY MANDATED maternity leave for at least a year. It’s disgusting how greedy the US is and how mothers get blamed for the impossible situations they are put in as a result.
@@sarahs.9678 Oh, yeah, totally, paternity leave is a shitshow, too. My husband got MAYBE two weeks with our first and was technically home for 4 weeks with our second, but he spent most of those days still tied up with work. Men should have a right to be with their families, too.
I don’t think this is a new take. As a former daycare teacher, current public school teacher and daycare mom, I feel “Daycare is bad” is the only take I ever see. It makes me feel horrible because it’s not a financial option for me to stay home. At the same time, it’s silly that I feel horrible because my 1yo son loves daycare and gets so bored at home with just me. I just had the summer off with him and while I love spending time with my child (he is my favorite person in the world), summer solidified that we all function better with me as a working mom. I’m sick of the doom and gloom daycare narrative.
Yup, I think its often missed that children don't have universal personalities or needs (specifically how they need you to approach said needs)... and the impact of the personality and needs of the parents factor in too. At the end of the day, whatever is best for the individual kid and family is *the* best for that kid. Timmy isn't the same as Susie, and trying to punish either of their parents for it only hurts everyone involved.
@@lanis57 You said yourself that the mother's body needs months to recover. Just because fathers can't breastfeed doesn't mean that have no part in caring for a baby. Changing diapers, burping, talking, playing, laundry and so on. Mothers should not be expected to do all of this on their own while recovering from giving birth. And while there are many benefits to breastfeeding, it's not always possible and there's absolutely no reason a father can't feed his own baby when breastfeeding isn't an option.
@JustAHorrorShow nobody says that father just stays in a side and watching what is mother doing by her own. But in a first years baby need mother ! Its is natural needs!!! most of the time ! And father can help, after work. But mam is a 24 hours 7 days extra full-time job. It's such a excuse in your mind .. oh but not all can do it. So don't do it,if you cant. Who cares about you and your baby? Obviously nobody . Do whatever you want. All your choices just have results. That it.
not every Mum can work from home, not every husband and wife can start a business. Also the dad can stay at home with the kids. People need to stop putting it on the mum to quit her job and financial independence. The dad can quit his job and stay at home with the kids. We should improve the daycare system to make it high-quality so women who want to work like female doctors who want to save lives can do so not just a men.
Unfortunately, no one can love your child like you can. This is unspoken, and it is instinctual for moms and babies. No one can take your place in the first five years. For those who don’t have a choice, sometimes we have to chose the lesser evil, but we can’t have it all.
Every family can make the choice to start a buisness or work from home. It just requires pre-planning and hard work. If you're not is because you are either lazy, chose your position or a bad planner.
@@stuartalexander5426 no one has the bloody time for all that. if you already have a good stable job but you cant always be around in the mornings for your kids, it doesnt make you evil for needing to send them to a presumably trustworthy daycare/nursery after researching and selecting the most affordable and greatest options for you and your working hours. it is really not as easy as you say it is.
No, fathers cannot replace mothers whatsoever. The video segments belonging to different interviews that Ashley used to present these facts speak on this a ton. Mothers are irreplaceable, and the men better work off their a$$es to provide because mothering is relentless. It's a full blown career that girls and young ladies are unaware that is awaiting them in the future if they choose to have children. So, it is ONLY FAIR that fathers step it up outside the home because the mothers are killing it at home. Once the children are older, the mothers can explore a ton outside which can also enable the fathers to ease up on their work.
Im from scandinavia, specifically Norway. My daughter started daycare when she was 15 months old, after my maternity leave. We have a very nice daycare. There are only 15 kids in the group with 5 adults, 2 of whom are university graduates specializing in children of that specific age group. It's even government-subsidized. I think its how the government supports the family with kids and provide standards for daycare.
If the government can afford to subsidize childcare, then why don’t they support parents who want to stay home and raise their own kids since that’s what’s best for kids instead?
In Czechia most kids start kindergarten/daycare at 3 years old. We have 6 months of maternity and them additional 2,5 years of paid parental leave. It's both exhausting for the parent but also good for the kids. But if you want it's not that hard to find other mom friends since 98% are on the leave. So if you head out to the nearest playground lots of other moms will be around. Putting an infant into daycare the way they are in US seems really unthinkable to me.
@@kittycoon9143 Norway is a welfare state, so it supports both; mothers who choose to stay at home and wants to work. Theres no spesific research that says being at home with kids is the best. In daycare in Norway kids are always out in nature and its mainly focus on free play not learning ABC. And we have a long maternity leave and 5 months paternity leave. Most Norwegian women choose to work because we are satisfied with the system. Its healthy for both parents and the kids. Daycare is even free if you choose to love in norther Norway. We also get monthly government support for having kids. They are the future of a country so its a good investment :)
tbh I think the reason you can’t find an answer on this is because it has more to do with the person individually and a myriad of other factors that would determine how they turn out as an adult, you can’t just blame it all on daycare or not having daycare
100% I mean you can even see that children can grow up with vastly different outcomes even in the same enviroment pretty early on. I mean... just look at households with multiple kids. My sister and I are polar opposities in personalities, even from birth. From how we slept, how we ate, how we responded to stimuli in our enviroment, our attachment styles, etc. Almost every family I've ever met has had the same situation.... same family, more or less same upbringing, vastly different adults on the other side. Some kids mesh well with the chosen parenting style of their family, some kids don't. Sometimes a parent can adapt their style and expectations to better suit the kid...sometimes circumstances prevent that. Beyond that, once they're in school the amount of influence you have over them wanes until it is the experiences they have with those peers that begin to really shape who they are and how they will be as adults. Think its important for parents to step back, take a deep breath... and realize its not all on them. Your parents are only 1/3 of the development pie. The other 2/3 are who you are/who you've always been... and how others unrelated to you have responded to that/shaped your life experiences.
So much of this links back to quality of the daycare. Almost like we need to value and pay these workers well, which means the government kicking in so that poor kids are not stuck in centers with overworked, overstretched workers just because that’s all their parents can afford. This is what’s best for children. Children’s outcomes should not be hampered by their parents’ circumstances.
10 years + educator in centre rated exceeding in australia and i still wouldnt put my child in care -if all the adults in the room are stressed all the time because of work load it can’t be good for the kids, they dont get enough individual attention, always understaffed, some kids are favourites and other kids go under the radar, staff rotation/ you dont know who is caring for your own child, centres can focus more on appearance of activities and events than giving kids enough educators and time with them, if ONE parent of ONE child struggles with overwhelm and stress it does not matter how well educated the educator is, is TOO MANY KIDS FOR ANY HUMAN even under correct ratios (we are always under staffed in a centre rated exceeding expectations in Australia lol), because of lack of adults in room kids learn more from other underdeveloped humans aka other kids. about ratios: even if you have the correct ratios kids still dont get enough individual attention because most of the time staff are cleaning, prepping activities, taking pictures, taking phone calls, writing observations and paper work, have lunch, study, we dont get to just sit there and be with the kids and even if we could who on earth can give 4 different babies or 10 kids the attention they need at once?
It has nothing to do with quality of the daycare or the pay. It is the fact that for the first four years the child NEEDS to be with their primary attachment figure (usually the mom). Take this away and the child suffers.
Or the government could help make it easier for one parent to be able to stay at home with their child. Even if you have the 'best quality' person raising your child while your'e away from them, that person is still a stranger, who doesn't love your child like you will, and who will probably not be in their life long-term. Given the opportunity, most moms would choose to be the primary caregiver for their child for the first few years of life. Unfortunately, many families are not set up that way and a contributing factor is the high cost of living and high taxes.
Did you know that you are not allowed to separate puppies from their mothers until at minimum eight weeks? And that it is recommended not to separate them for at least 12? That’s right. The United States, true to form, treats women worse than dogs.
I'm a stay at home mom so never needed child care, but I used to watch my neighbors baby 4 days a week. She saved money on daycare since she paid me like 1/2 of what daycare costs (plus the commute since I lived across the street) and I got to make a little extra money as a stay at home mom. It worked out great until we had to move.
This is very multi factorial and complicated and highly dependent on the child and the daycare. But from my experience, my child has done AMAZING at her school and loves going. Her teachers are aligned with how I want to raise her, are very focused on safety and will do whatever the child needs to feel comfortable. For example, recently my kiddo was going through a big developmental shift and there were different helpers in the room for a week. She was having a rough time going down for naps for other people and her teacher switched her lunch hour to help her go down. There are a lot of instances where the teachers were very quick to adjust things to meet her needs or other children’s needs. On top of all this, her development SKYROCKETED when she started daycare. She was late to rolling and started crawling within a couple of weeks and then walked early. She’s talking early now and is just thriving overall. This is a rare situation I think and we got incredibly lucky. The daycare is very much our village and is very community focused. We tried another daycare before this one and it was a nightmare. She was in for one day and we never took her back. Edit to add: we didn’t start her until 7.5 months so we had a strong bond. The daycare is extremely high quality and has a low child to teacher ratio. Shes in for 7 hours and she sleeps for 2 of those hours. She spends time with me in the morning (vs. being woken up and rushed right to school) and dad picks her up in the afternoon. We’ve done the most we can to lessen any potential negative impacts of daycare and keep our strong bonds with her as her parents. ❤️
i think it comes down to the day care provider a child has contact with. the problem of staff turnover in daycare is alarming --not unionized (in US) and often requires only 2 college classes, if that in the US, day care pays very little, often poverty level/ minimum wage. it's criminal
THIS!!! I feel as though this topic has sooo many variables it’s impossible to just say “don’t place your child in daycare.” The daycare matters, the child matters, the parents matter. If a parent is happy and able to stay home then good for them. If a parent wishes to return to work and has good care for their child then also good. This beats the alternative of a resentful parent staying home all day and possibly creating larger damage to their child with the effects of burnout and anger. Everyone on here crucifying parents for either staying home or sending children to daycare should take a step back. This issue is far too nuanced to have a hard stance either way.
I believe Suzanne Venker said that ideally, only the parents who truly *need* daycare would take advantage of it, which would help make it more accessible and affordable. Sadly it’s currently seen by a lot of people as the default option and the waitlists are long, the child to teacher ratio too high, and the costs prohibitive (in many cases).
All of these problems are fixable if we chose to value childcare as a society. But in the US, instead of having a social safety net…we have women’s unpaid labor
One of the issues with that is the fact that there are rarely quality services for folks who “really need them”. It’s unclear to me that if only the truly desperate utilized daycare that it would be better. If daycare used by affluent parents is still lacking in terms of worker pay and well being, I don’t have a lot of hope that those would go up if it were utilized by the desperate.
One sad aspect is that, unless you have a multitude of children close to each other in age, you need to send them to daycare BECAUSE everybody else does it. Because there will not be any play dates, there will not be any other children on the playground. Daycare is the only place where they can interact with children of similar age.
@@oldeuropemyhome76where do you live that this is the case? I'm in rural SW Ontario Canada, and it's quite common to stay home with the kids, or have a part time job, until the child starts Junior Kindergarten, at age 4. There was story time at the library, and I made a bunch of sahm friends. We'd come together to talk to other adults while the kids played in the adjoining room, or at the splash pad, and then it was easy to lean on each other for childcare during a dentist appointment or things like that where you just need two hours. There are plenty who go back to work after the year of mat leave is done, too. And some do it so that the mom is home for the first 6 months and the dad is home for the second 6 months, which is allowed with the 12 month parental leave. I feel very fortunate that this was the case, but for example, between me and the other three main women in the group, we had 10 children, and the oldest was only 7 years older than the youngest. I started it when my oldest was 1, and at that time we each had one child. There was a 2yo and two babies. More were added later, haha! Time passed, the kids are in school, and sadly we don't get together as much now, and never as a group. I still see each of them individually every month or two, and our children know each other well.
My mother stayed at home until I was 12 (I am the eldest of 3 girls). She "only" neglected us emotionally. On the other hand, I worked as an aupair girl in Paris for a year. Both parents were working full time and had aupairs from early on with their 3 kids. When they were home however, the mother interacted so lovingly with them in a way that my mum never did with us during the day. She was way more involved and that's when I learned that quality is more important than quantity.
It is so strange Because in France where I live, it's really not popular to stay at home and stop your job to take care of children. Every mom I know went back to work after the legal maternity leave : 2 and half month after the birth or at most 6months after the borth. And it is completely popular to leave your child at the daycare. In France, you pay daycare according to your incomes so every family can afford it. And it is known to improve your baby's independence, social skills, and immune system... So I don't understand why it is such taboo in the Anglo-Saxon countries and so much encouraged here in France. I personally love daycare. My daughter went there from 8 months 9am-6pm and her mobility improved so fast, she became super independent and my mental health was soooo good. My son is going to turn 9 month now and we are so excited for him to go to the same daycare our daughter went 4y ago with the same staff we know.
Same in Croatia. Most mothers go back to work after maternity leave which is paid for 1 year. It used to be common for grandparents to look after the baby afterwards since multigenerational households are common. But today most grandparents still have to work (commonly until 63-65) so the government subsidized daycare became a popular option. In Croatian forums on this topic I only read how daycare kids get sick more often but develop faster than stay at home kids and that was it. No discussion about permanently damaging your child. Then I made a mistake of going to TH-cam for answers 😅
Probably because France actually has good government programs with great social benefits. This is what other countries (esp anglo-saxon) lack. To have good childcare, you need engaged citizens who are willing to pay more taxes to improve care for everyone. UK/US and the likes are too individualistic and narrow minded societies.
This goes for all assistance programs, not just daycare, but paying based on income is probably the best solution I've seen. In the US, it's only based on a maximum income. So if you make a certain amount, you automatically don't qualify for any assistance. At all.
I haven't finished watching, but I'll add my 2 cents. I studied Early Childhood Care and Education and worked in 4 different nurseries (daycare centres) over 4 years. At the end, I concluded that if I ever had my own children, I would NEVER send them to nursery full time. I've seen practitioners lock small 2 year olds (before they developed speech) in a closet. I've seen babies being screamed at for having dirty nappies (normal, it's literally your job to change their nappies). I've seen a 4 year old flung across the room by his arm. Children being left in soiled clothes when they're in the middle of potty training. Food being withheld for bad behaviour. Children's needs being blatantly ignored. In almost all of these cases, the children did not yet have the speech capabilities to tell their parents what was happening to them and even when the actions were reported, all of those staff members kept their jobs with no repercussions. So the next time your child cries when they're being dropped off, try to investigate why. Very few children who are happy in nursery get violently upset when they're being dropped off. You might never know that something is happening to them. Staff can seem lovely but you don't know what they're doing when you're not there. I don't work in the sector anymore, and neither do any of the people I started with. We were in good, reputable centres. It crushed my soul until I just left.
My wife also studied ECE and she saw mistreatment where she worked for her first job. This place catered to upper class parents and it was very close to a big office hub where most of the parents worked, but that place was just trying to cut costs to make a profit. She quit that place after 2 months.
I also studied ECE and concluded that I do think some sort of early childhood education is necessary. I worked at a center and my mom ran an in home daycare. I definitely prefer the in home setting. My son started attending a center 2 days per week at 1 years old ((couldnt find a spot before that)), and I see it as an activity for him to participate in. He enjoys it and I do see his social skills blossoming.
What a strange discussion to people from central Europe. I mean, there are a lot of people who don‘t want to give there toddlers into daycare because they say „why do I have kids, when others are raising them?“ and I think, if you garantee a paid parental leave as a state a lot of the parents prefere caring for their babies instead of giving them to day care. But still, most of us European citizens went to childcare as our parents did. and we got it in good memory and don‘t all seem to be generations of weirdos uncapable of relationships
I think the people who work in childcare in Europe are also seen as a knowledgeable resource for the parent. When/if they have any concerns/questions. In the Netherlands the government is working on free childcare. I don't think this is viable because there are not enough employees in this sector. However they clearly prioritize daycare for the population. They also make sure a certain standard is met at every daycare location, with yearly checks from a specialized entity
I agree, I live in Bulgaria. The maternity leave is two years paid and a third unpaid, but guaranteed social security, health care and pension payments. So most children go to kindergarden between 2 and 3 years of age. And they do so so many activities that a parent would be challenged to curate for them. Like music classes, dance, theatre plays, art and crafts. Thry have vegetable garden, participate in the cooking sometimes. After age of 4 they go on day trips in local farms, museums, police station. We also have a lot of activities with parents like profession days, pets days, book reading, etc. Do I dont see how I can do this for my two kids especially being different ages. I cannot even cook three meals a day every day, as they get in kindergarden.
I live in Brazil and went do free childcare and it was totally fine, when I started the regular school i even already new who to write and basic stuff compared to people who didn't go do kindergarten. I feel like going to school since a baby helped me to fit in the routine
Agree :) I went to daycare in Germany in the mid 90s when it started at two years old. My mom and my best friend are kindergarten teacher and my husband works with young kids. I have great memories of my daycare days and I know a lot of people who work in childcare. Obviously bad daycares exist and not all children take well to going to daycare but I just don't get this daycare & "moms who send their kids to daycare" bashing. I live in the Netherlands and my daughter has been going to daycare two days a week since she is 13 weeks old, which is when maternity leave ends here. No problems whatsoever. She enjoys being around other kids and her caregivers love her. We have a great bond and she has not forgotten that I am her mom. She will go for a third day when she is one year old, which is in two months. I feel zero guilt about sending her to daycare. While I am grateful for my maternity leave I know for a fact now I am not supposed to be a stay-at-home mom, not that this was ever the plan for me. I enjoy going to work four days a week and having one day to take care of her during the work week. I also am the primary income provider of my family, so staying home would not be an option for me/my family, even if I wanted to. Creating the financial stability I want to have for my family is important to me. And yes, I would like to go on vacation too. So what?!
I’m so glad you talked about child/caregiver ratios. My degree and background is in early childhood development and I spent several years teaching at a childcare center in texas. In this state the ratio for 2yr olds is 11:1, which is absolutely insane. Even as a well qualified and caring person, there was absolutely no way for me to give each child the attention they needed. Everyday felt like survival, and I found myself clenching my teeth so much that it caused TMJ. I’m sure my own stress wasn’t good for the children either, and I only worked in this setting for 4 months before I quit, afraid that I would snap and could hurt a child out of frustration. This is very hard to admit, because the last thing I would ever want to do to a child. However, looking back I can see how much the system was set for failure.
I think comparing staying at home to daycare isn't the only comparison needed to weigh up the decision. Even if daycare is worse for a child's development Vs staying at home, the question then becomes, is that negative effect greater than the negative effect of loss of family income? The evidence on daycare is mixed, but the link between educational and health outcomes with income brackets is well documented. Maybe daycare will have a small detrimental impact on a child, but I doubt it is as bad as the impact of living in poverty, or on a struggling household income.
Well, I mean on that note ~ more parents are finding it is actually cheaper to just have 1 parent stay home OR take turns than the cheapest (probably low quality) daycare available in their area. So again, another variable highly dependent on what jobs & daycare quality VS cost is available in any given area. I think for most people working minimum wage or near to, unfortunately staying at home (or using a daycare alternative) is still going to win monetarily for most people.
Yeah there are just WAY too many confounding variables in a child's life to say issues of attachment and future behavior issues and anxiety can be attributed to daycare. Thats my biggest gripe with these psychoanalysts like Erica Komisar. When I've seen interviews of her she references the kibbutz study which I also read and a kibbutz is A. not a daycare B. many of them had children live away from their parents and C. the researchers said the evidence didn't give strong conclusions in the study. Additionally, many of these people say "kids going to daycare has been on the rise the last 50+ years and so has the uptick in ADHD, anxiety, etc." Which, again, there are too many variables to say its daycare. Rates of divorce have increased (which impacts kids), we now have smart phones and tablets, we are the unhealthiest we've ever been, we have so much dyes and chemicals in our food, we're more atomized, we've lost third spaces, etc, etc. Which is also why the evidence isn't conclusive bc you can't find a direct connection with everything else going on.
I love your video essays but this one was hard to watch. I am a working mom and have one child in childcare. He has been in a home based child care since the age of 1 and is 3.5 now. I see both sides of this equation. I don’t think by any means newborn babies should be going to daycare facilities. It breaks my heart for USA moms that get barely any parental leave. I am thankful as a Canadian to get 12-18 months of job protected leave. A home based daycare worked well for us because we really trusted the provider and she only had 3 kids in full day care and 3 other just for after school care. My child received quality attention this way . I felt childcare for my son has been really good. He was born during the peak of the pandemic. I have noticed huge difference in him and his social skills because of childcare. I really think quality childcare is the key. Daycare centres scared me and the constant staff turnover. The other side of this is I don’t think asking women to stay home give up their careers is the right answer. I think women that are solely dependent on their husbands creates a different risk. You have women staying in unhappy marriages and don’t have a way out because they rely on their husbands. I am sure there are studies that show children being exposed to parents unhappy marriage has a negative effect too. Also for some being a stay at home mom doesn’t fill their cup. I am one of those women. I love having a career of my own. I just think if someone wants to be a stay at home mom that’s wonderful but if someone wants to be a working mom that’s wonderful too. There should be quality childcare available. Moms are judged too much this day and age. No matter how you do it someone will have an opinion.
I worked at a daycare for less than two weeks with 3-5 year olds. I ran into so many behavioral problems that I’d never experienced with the age group outside of daycare. Those poor kids were stuck at day care all day long, with 1 or 2 adults for up to 15 kids. They did not get individual, intentional time with adults, doing anything valuable. They were back and forth outside and inside all day long and the end of the day was the worst bc after 7-9 hours taking care of themselves, they just wanted to go home. Kids would pee themselves, the floor, start throwing tantrums, jump off of furniture, start screaming, etc. it was rough. Little groups of the kids would be doing this all at the same time and I could only address one at a time. I was so disappointed in the center bc I thought (according to their site and training) it would be fun, helping kids do activities and playing. It was a nightmare. And I don’t think I’ll ever stop thinking about it.
I worked at an extremely high quality preschool/daycare for 3 years. Students developed strong and healthy attachments to their teachers and parents were extremely thankful and trusting due to our very low teacher-child ratio (much lower than state requirements) and attentive care. It's unfair to make blanket statements about the value or harm of daycare when care quality could range from my experience to near neglect.
@@elizamartin4263 i dont think they said "all daycare" she described the adult-child ratio on purpose. Its definitely important to use high quality if you can but there is simply not enough space in the truly great childcare environments. I am blessed to be able to keep my kids home with me and therefore keep more space available for the families that need it more than we do
@@elizamartin4263but your experience is not common. You are an outlier in this conversation, ma’am. I have seen this in multiple childcare situations, daycares, camps, behavior centers.
@@Restingmadface yes I totally see that. I'm just saying you can't make a statement like "daycare is bad" or vice versa because every provider is different. There are preschool teachers and daycare workers who do an honorable job and deeply care about the kids they care for and I wish everyone had access to those situations.
I work in childcare 10 years. Its pretty common. I think the main problem is children can’t develop relationships well because of the revolving door system of educators. I’ve seen difficult to manage children behave well with strong relationships to educators. It’s all about the love.
People will guilt trip you over every facet of parenthood. Like most parenting issues, this one is extremely nuanced, and anyone who speaks in binaries is looking at it from their very narrow point of view. They don't actually want to help, they want to shame.
@@camilaorlandi3782those same people bitch about how parents today cater to their children too much, won’t let them cry it out, etc. No matter what, modern parents are doing it all wrong apparently.
It’s impossible to keep other people happy please do you. There are different opinions out there as there are fish in the sea. Try to remember also that for most things there is a reason all this content is created, por most part the more polemic the more views, likes, comments etc. so not everyone and everything is good on its own
When people guilt you, tell them to shove it. You can do everything perfectly and there will always be a complaint. If you decide to have a child, know that it is tough, but it has a rhythm, and it's so damn rewarding. You learn so much about yourself and watching your baby grow and love is just the best thing, imo. Of course, if you choose not to, that is also a rewarding life, as you will be living in your own path. Best of luck!
Just started this video, former daycare employee at both high end and lower end daycares for 9 years. I will tell you that I will never return to working at any center and I will not be sending my child to daycare. Socialization is not important. Attachment and safety is. When 1 year olds have to compete with 13 other 1 year olds for any adult comfort or attention, you can imagine the zoo they are apart of for 9 hours a day.
in Finland it's nothing like that. I've worked in many daycare centers and all the kids get as much love and attention as they want. Usually there are the more independent kids that only want some hugs every once in awhile and then there's the clingies ones who are being held almost all day every day. I think it depends a lot on the child to adult ratio. 13:1 can't be good. I wouldn't put my kid through that, but with like a 5:1 ratio would work very well, especially when in Finland all the workers are specialists in childcare, some are nurses, some are early education teachers and they really do know how to read the kids to know what they need. Me and my sister went to a small home-like daycare center at 1 years old and my brother went when he was 3. Mom sometimes bears guilt over not stay-at-home-momming as for longer but we all have such great memories from daycare
@@beakmug it's not 13:1 but 7:1. Here in the states, on the infants 1st birthday they immediately transition to the toddler room. Baby room is 4:1. So the chaos begins. In adding bottles to the teacher's already hectic schedule. It's a very intense job and intense environment for such little people. I grew up in my Mom's home daycare and that was wonderful. Home daycare environment is better for sure, but I'm not so easily trusting to put my kid in a stranger's home. My Mom was so warm and great with kids. I got that from her. I may have to start something like that at my home as I'm gonna have a baby any day now and not sure what I'll do yet.
This is what has had to women for decades… it’s sad it happens to stay at home parents - except I will recommend that people start a side hustle or work a part time/remote job if possible to retain some skills and make extra income.
The anti-daycare discourse happens in a vacuum that ignores the current economic reality. It is inherently class coded, and by that token race coded. Right now, two incomes and/or multiple jobs are required to even afford basic housing and food in many metro areas. For a majority of parents there is no alternative, therefore the discourse is less about helping parents make better choices, and more about shaming caregivers.
We are low income, living in a large metro area on one income. Yes housing is insane and we’re a bit cramped, but it’s ok. Some sacrifices are worth it for the wellbeing of children. Everyone’s situation is different of course, but most people just aren’t willing to make those sacrifices. Many people could stay home who claim they can’t for financial reasons.
@@mgoodingsilverwood and then they brand parents as selfish if they put their kids in daycare whereas they're actually trying to sustain in this cruel world abd are trying to provide for their kids
As a mom who worked from home with my daughter until she was 2 and a half putting her in daycare was the best thing for me and her. I was so stressed working, making sure she was stimulated, and caring for a new baby and she was bored at home lol. We found a wonderful home daycare, we love her provider, she learns so much, and she values getting to see her friends every day. I plan on keeping my son home until 2 and doing the same thing with him.
Honestly, I think it comes down to something like this: daycare is like parents. If you have good ones, you become a good person. If you have neglectful, abusive parents, you develop trauma and/or become a bad person. To be so hateful to those that utilize daycare instead of abandoning their children at home (most people can't leave their job, work from home, or have people to look after their kids), is bizarre. Yes, there are bad daycares like there are bad parents. Yes, there are good daycares like there are good parents. (And yes, I hate that they have to choose life for a child or a child.) Human development is so nuanced you can't come to a conclusion that all daycare is evil or amazing. It affects everyone differently. I don't think working parents already dying to provide a life for their dependents should be shunned for using a resource. Should they do research? Sure, but that's easier said than done. Also, Tradwives are a part of the historical pendulum; feminism was the Cult of Deomesticity back in the 1800s and the 1950s; now it has swung back to that idea but it's sexy because only the rich can afford such lives. This is one of my first times leaving a comment, so please share your thoughts with me. I think diversity of thought is incredible, so feel free to disagree 💜
I appreciate your nuanced take! At the end of the day, bad care will cause harm whether it comes from the parents or daycare and everyone does their best to provide as high quality care as they can given their ability
I think in the past, everyone worked, they just took their kids in the fields or to the market. I could be wrong. I just think we are still all figuring out how to not screw our kids up in the modern world.
I agree. Just "no daycare" is not the answer. Do the best you can in this world. At a time when mothers are constantly being told they're doing things wrong, can we just assume good intent and try to find the best resources we can?
People can say that a baby crying doesn’t mean the separation is causing stress but as soon as a kid can talk they always say they don’t want to separated from their mom and dad so trying to speak for a baby just doesn’t work.
I remember going to daycare and after school programs because my parents worked, and it’s one of the biggest reasons I’m so glad I’m no longer a child. My parents did what they could, but we lived right beside the school and the feeling of abandonment I would feel at school, especially having very few friends, has done irreversible damage to me. I struggled with separation anxiety for years so bad that I didn’t want to go to college, do sleep over camps, etc saying this while I was in the single digits. I’m better now but it made me dread any day that wasn’t the summer time, thankfully I never went to my school’s summer program.
So much of this links back to quality of the daycare. Almost like we need to value and pay these workers well, which means the government kicking in so that poor kids are not stuck in centers with overworked, overstretched workers just because that’s all their parents can afford. This is what’s best for children. Children’s outcomes should not be hampered by their parents’ circumstances. BUT FIRST WE HAVE TO HAVE RESPECT FOR TRADITIONALLY “FEMALE” LABOR. People have to recognize this work as real work, essential to our society, frankly much more valuable and important that half the desk jobs out there (no offense to the cubicle warriors out there)
I worked In day care for 4 years. “High quality care” is for the privileged who don’t really need it. The people who do need (single moms, low income, etc.) they are stuck at the centers with high child to teacher ratios. That is a fact. Upper middle class where both parents choose to work and can choose to spend more for better care even though one parent could afford to stay home and the wealthy who have their kids in daycare 2-3 half days per week for “socialization” even though one parent is a stay at home parent… they are the ones who get “high quality care” So the problem is access to high quality care, not that daycare is inherently damaging
This is such a toxic mindset… parents shouldn’t be judged for using a daycare/nursery setting. I’ve worked with children for over 10 years and worked with many incredible people who provide such a positive environment for children to thrive & grow. As long as you have a decent setting, with lovely caregivers (or practitioners as we call them in the UK)
I wish we had more play centers in the US. Basically a preschool but you get to go with them, in a more casual setting. Like a playgroup with high-quality materials and some teacher-led activities.
I'm currently 7mo pregnant and investigating childcare options. I'm also an adult who was sent to daycare at 6wks of age since my mom had to go back to work. I... don't want to do that to my own child. I think I went to a higher quality daycare, but even now I remember not really enjoying it, and I remember wishing I could just stay with my mom instead. :( I definitely have some fond memories of playing on the daycare playground and making lots of friends through daycare, but those are memories from when I was 4+ years old, not 2months old... One of the most frustrating parts is discussing this with my dad, he basically brags about how early he was able to send us to daycare, and that they were lucky to even get the 6wks off of work. He's basically aghast that I'm going to get 4months off of work, like that's an extremely excessive amount of time. Fucking boomers man....
In my country (Bulgaria) we have 2 years of paid maternity leave and the daycare is free in my city. It usually starts from 2 years on, but you can leave a baby as young as 10 months old. I'm not saying it's all good around here, we have a lot of problems in the daycare system, but at least we have more options. I think it's beneficial for kids 2 years and up to go to daycare, cuz they will learn a lot more from people who are specialists in the area. People in USA should fight for this.
My toddler loves daycare and barely says goodbye to me when I drop him off. He goes running through the store to see his friends. He comes home knowing so much, it’s crazy and I’m amazed by him.
Thank you for putting this together! I am from Germany and here, the opposite opinion prevails among the childcare specialists, social service workers and parents: that it is bad if a child does not visit daycare after the age of 4. We've been called to jugendamt several times already for not attending daycare, often enough, because "non-german speaker children Must attend daycare". This is an opposite side of medal of the country that pays the daycare centers and allows 1 year of maternity or paternity leave.
This is why you’re fucked if you’re an only child or if your siblings don’t live in the same area; you can’t just call uncle or auntie to give a helping hand when you’re off to work.
I haven’t finished the video but as a kid who went to day at 15 weeks I remember absolutely loving it. It would be nice if both parents didn’t have to work but I don’t think my childcare was really traumatic
As someone that currently works in a childcare setting (but will change careers soon), I have made the decision that I will never send my future children to daycare for multiple reasons: 1. Children grow and develop so fast. Many parents genuinely get upset that we are the ones that get to witness first smile, word, steps. Ideally, one or both parents should be witnessing that. 2. Sickness. There are so many unnecessary diseases that your child is exposed to, as soon as your child has a slight temperature or runny stool, they are sent home with a parent for 48 hours of isolation at least. The parents end up missing out on so much work that they often get in trouble at work, taking out their frustration on staff and resenting minding their sick kids. As a future parent, I dont want my job to take priority over my sick child. 3. Its so expensive and its not worth the money. I'm lucky enough to have a paid off house with my partner, so sending a child to creche would be the biggest expense! As someone that works from the system from within, burnt out staff, emotional/psychological abuse towards children, lack of staff (many call out sick and people change careers), no resources, not enough adequate supervision (which leads to fights, bites, severe accidents), laziness of workers which plan 0 activities for children (just let kids run around 24/7), often badly cooked food made from cheap materials. And thats not including horrors that I've witnessed such as some not changing nappies throughout the day, giving children low quality formula milk, allowing very sick staff to work due to shortages, you are going to send your child into a Monday to Friday orphanage with horrific conditions. 4. Very little resources if your child has special needs. My setting has applied for government funding and extra special needs staff and there was no help, especially for severe cases of ADHD and ASD. Special needs kids are often seen as 'disruptive' and 'troublemakers', often bullied by other children and adults due to lack of resources. 5. The kids dont get as much socialisation as one assumes. Most teachers only address a child to give out to them throughout the day. The really young kids get no conversation, if tgey cant speak to peers yet, therefore there are often speech delays. 6. I have literally witness lazy teachers that would rather let a potty training piss their pants instead of going to the toilet with them. They think its easier to change their clothes than staying with a child in the toilet for 5 minutes. These teachers traumatise children. I do understand that some parents need to incomes to pay mortgage, bills, etc. If thats the case, get a nanny, work remote, involve grandparents, etc. The less your child is in a setting, the better! Consider all the options. Perhaps letting one parent stay home for a while when the children are young might work for you. Take care of your children, they grow up so fast, dont miss out on this invaluable bonding experience and save your child from any possible form of abuse and neglect in a setting!
Makes me proud to be from a country where you can stay at home with your kid for 3 years, 1.5 paid. And nope, they cannot fire you in that period. Parents should have a choice.
I’ve never placed my kiddo in daycare and never whe to daycare as a kid. As a kid my grandpa and grandma watched my cousins and I at home which now, I realize was a huge privilege. I wish more moms had a longer maternity leave AND a village to help with child raising. Without those areas addressed, daycare will continue to be the default.😢
@@dorino9057 This is so true. Our family is so far away that we get some help but it is mainly us holding it down! I have so much grace for parents, it’s not easy.
Interesting video im a stay at home Dad with a 6 month old and have been considering the 2-3 days a week to help with income and sanity. I ultimately came to the thought that I wanted to wait for him to be able to talk so he could tell me if something was wrong, but this gave me some more perspectives. Also, thank you for not just picking a side and pushing what you want to be true and saying that there is just so much inconclusive data that we don't know for sure.
some kids do great at daycare, probably most of them do good, and some should not be sent to day care because they will never adapt/will develop trauma. those kids are mostly neurodivergent. I was one, and being sent to daycare at 3 has marked me forever. my first memories from childhood are connected to fear.
I'm not sure I want to watch this. I'm a stay at home mum to a 4yr old and 2yr old. I have no family supoort where I live so made the decision to send my kids to daycare for 2 mornings a week when they turned 2 for my own mental health. I already feel guilty enough and I find content like this triggering. Perhaps because I know I'm doing it more for me not for them. Thankfully they enjoy daycare and I'm a better mum for having some me time. However, society is fantastic for making mums feel guilty no matter which decision we make..
I don’t think a couple mornings a week will hurt your kids I’m lucky to have family support and sometimes you just need to break. That’s not close to day care all day every day
Erica Komisar and Suzanne Venker (both referenced in this video) have lots of content confirming that mothers don’t need to be with their babies 100% of the time. Especially after 2, some time for you is super important. Sounds like you naturally found a good fit, and I don’t think the video would be triggering, since it’s really talking about all day daycare starting super early.
Man this has really made me feel so much better about how we have handled daycare, we kind of just got lucky. The price is insane but ill keep busting my ass to make sure they stay at these high quality daycares for my two kids. We sent our first kid to care at 2 and second at 1 1/2. My wife being superwoman worked from home and stayed with kids until sent to day care. The ratio of the day cares just happened to be really good. I believe its 4:1 and 6:1. And these people in care have been amazing. Bonded so well with our kids theyve come to birthday parties and go above and beyond for our kids. I know this isnt always an option for everyone, we hot really lucky and now im sacrificing to keep them where they are
My place of employment used to offer in-house daycare free of cost. It was halted due to COVID regulations indefinitely which makes absolutely no sense because in-person work was swiftly brought back but the free daycare sooo many people depended on was lost indefinitely.
I mean, if being a good mom means quitting my job and being a stay at home parent for longer than a few months, I know for a fact it's not for me. I know people are pissed about folks opting out of parenthood too, so it's not like we can win. But oh well.
💯 you can’t win either way - we’ll always just be bad parents destroying humanity. And if we are child free then we’re destroying humanity by not procreating soooo 🤷🏼♀️
This certainly did NOT disappoint! As a sahm of two and expecting (in the USA), I got pregnant during shutdowns just shortly after getting married. With harsh work environments for essential personnel, I chose to leave and stay home FT instead. I loved working, so there are days I miss that. I’m grateful we started out with one income as to learn “survival” in these harsh economic conditions. Now as a family of 4 and growing, making less than $80K annually is still tight, but this video sheds so much light on a ‘world’ i’d never otherwise know needed so much support. Thanks, Ashley!
My child loves daycare. She's 15 months, and it's her place filled with her friends. The second we walk in she's like Bye and walks off. I would not rob her of what is clearly her needed social interactions. She has a blast, and she's learning so much. I love our daycare. It's clear to me they love the children and work very hard to make sure they are loved and fed and are meeting developmental milestones. Not all daycare centers are like this, I know. And not all children are well adjusted or thrive in that kind of environment, I also know this. I used to work in early childhood development. All children, institutions, and families are different. There is no one size fits all, so their argument that women should be SAHMs and care for their children at home because they would thrive more is a ridiculous argument. My child wouldn't, and I know it.
I imagine research was so difficult because the question is rooted in political idealogy. I know turning point USA is very conservative (would be anti day care), and I'm sure left wing studies would be very pro day care.
My mum works at a childcare centre, she gets frustrated when she starts working with a group of children that have fallen behind because of her colleagues not keeping track of children’s milestones. She works hard and gets them to the level they need to be for their age group. When they age out she sees them fall behind again because the next teachers don’t know how to help kids reach the next milestones. I think childcare should be something that is monitored and adequate training and maybe even a course in children’s psychology is necessary to work at a childcare centre! They’re literally teaching the next generation which is so important!
I’d rather be with my kid than spend these precious years working for a company that could just up and fail or fire me at any time. There’s nothing more I’ve dreamed of than being a mom. My husband made my dream of becoming a mother come true, so it’s really weird to hear the concept of women “not following their dreams” or “taking a backseat to their husband’s career” - my husband and all the men he works with get to watch their kids grow up via photos on a cellphone. He sacrifices so I can care for him.
I don’t either. Not judging others, BUT there is countless research on how multitasking does NOT allow you to focus on multiple things at once to the same degree. Meaning, one thing is suffering, is it your kids or your career? I cannot imagine working a full time job, giving my kids all the attention they need and deserve AND not letting my husband be thrown to the wayside during all of that.
Okay, this is a very privileged and judgemental take.... I make a lot more money than it costs to put my kid in daycare, I make half the household income. That money is essential for us to like, own a home, buy food, clothes etc... As well as pay for childcare. It's not a one for one swap. Not only that, but I get a lot of satisfaction from my work, I'm very good at it and I think I have a bright future in my career. This bright future also means my child will have access to private school, quality food, art supplies and toys, their own bedroom, and maybe even family trips abroad when he's older. Putting the baby in daycare 4 hrs a day (and working 4 additional hours while they sleep), makes all this possible. I'm not choosing a company over my baby, I'm choosing our long term happiness and wellbeing as a family over a slightly more ideal present. The idea that I'd just rather be a drone for some company that being with my kid is hurtful and untrue.
Also, is it really that weird that some women want things in life other than being a mother? I've always wanted to be a mom as well, it has been the most meaningful experience in my life by far. But it's not the only thing I want and am, and that doesn't mean I love my baby any less. I've always been academically and professionally ambitious and need intellectual stimulation to be happy. I also wasn't born with much and want to give my babies a better life than I had. If you're happy spending all day with your baby, and your family can afford to live on one income, that's great for you, you're in the lucky minority. There's nothing wrong with having this privilege, but these comments are loaded with judgement of others less privileged than you.
@@TheVivaciousNerd this is the take we needed in this discussion!!! Why is it that people think once you become a mother you cease to exist in any other capacity. Yes, I love being a mother. But I’m not defined just by my role as a mother. I do feel as though having my own goals, aspirations and time outside the home has made me a better mother. It has made our family more financially stable. It has made me so much more present with my children. I don’t have any problem or judgement with any woman who has dreamt of being a stay at home mother and is able to do so. But the idea that this is the only correct way is so narrow minded and frankly preposterous. Let’s all support other moms. We are all doing the best we can.
Daycare in the U.S. really is suffering right now. My younger sister who is 19 works at a daycare. She has always loved babies and kids and every child she interacts with loves her… it actually makes me jealous sometimes how content she is just playing with kids all day long. But the daycare she works at is understaffed and she has been so stressed that she went to part time a while back. They have about one teacher/caregiver for most rooms that aren’t the baby room for 10-15+ kids. Even with my sister working there part time, the job is breaking her heart. She sees these children struggling and having behavioral issues left and right. It breaks her heart because she tries to do her best to care for and give quality attention to as many kids as she can but there is only one of her in the classroom and so instead she often has to just put out the biggest fire and rarely gets to bond with the children. It makes her so sad. It’s bad enough and breaks her heart so much that she says she is going to have to get another job for a few years before she will be willing to have kids of her own. It has literally scarred her emotionally and mentally.
What about the stress of poverty to children if you live on 1 income. My mom stayed home with me until my parents divorced and then we were flat broke. My mom continued to be broke and had to move in with me before i started my own family. It's caused a lot of stress for me and anger bc i shouldn't be expected to care for my mom. I will not do that to my son. My son goes to school 2 days a week and started at 18 months. He loves it for the most part. I wish he could stay home with me but i also want to make sure i can provide for him now and myself in the future.
I'm a mom who's child goes to daycare and she absolutely loves it. She's excited to see her teachers every morning. And she comes home perfectly happy. She gets structured and routine based education and care. She comes home and we still spend plenty of time together playing and snuggling. Her dad and I pull in 6 figures and we have a college savings for her and plenty in our rainy day fund and retirement. As someone who grew up poor with a mom who didn't work but still did not care for us and would disappear to indulge in a drug addiction I still feel 100% like a good parent for choosing daycare. It's not about right or wrong, but about what's best for your situation.
Thank you for this nuanced approach! I found myself sliding to an extreme view in the last few months, and this essay has brought me back to a better perspective.
I was a stay at home mother. But I did work freelance online in the evening hours. I also was a host at a mommy cafe in the years before our son went to school, so he did see other kids. 5 years later our daughter was born, when she was 2 yrs old she went to daycare once a week. It is in the same building as her school, so it already felt very natural to her to go to the same "school" as her brother. Around age 3 I started working more and switched more with my husband, he started to work 1 day less and 1 added a day. Right now both kids are in school and I work at the after school daycare in the same school. I love feeling connected to these children. Our kids don't go there since my husband is available for them and once a week their grandmother. As a caregiver myself I really wanted to raise our kids by our self.
UK Mom here! My daughter started at 8 months old she’s 16 months now and loves it! She goes two days a week and already says over 50 words and is soooo social! She’s come on massively in her development since starting 😊
im halfway thru but...As someone else had pointed out.. why is it majority of anti daycare people are mid to high income people and why most of them are white?
Yep, it'll almost always be a white woman with a husband making a livable wage who says "Anyone can afford to be a SAHM, you just need to adjust your lifestyle." No knowledge of what life costs outside her bubble. And how do single parents fit into this assessment? 😅
As someone who follows the attachment theory I hate what people have made of an actual scientific finding. Attachment is not about any of this. It’s about forming a genuine bond with your kid.
Italien here, my kids love their daycare, they are 26 kids and have 8 maestre. My kid during vacations is always asking when will we go back to class so they can tell their teacher and little friends what ever we did during vacations.
As someone who works in a small home daycare my experience has been a little different. Babies seem to do very well when starting daycare anywhere from 3-6 months old. They form attachments to the caregivers the same way they would an aunt or grandma who takes care of them. Some children do fine when starting 1-3 years but I find those children can struggle the most with separation anxiety. It really depends on the individual child. In our experience part time children who come for a few hours every day do better than those who come once or twice a week for a full day. Routine and consistency help a lot. Children feel safe when they know what to expect.
I was very worried about daycare and had watched all those videos stating daycare kids are different and what not. I had to start my son in daycare and you know what…it’s been great for the both of us so far. The daycare has cameras so I can see my son the entire day along with the teachers. They also send pictures of the activities the kids are doing. I was so worried the first few days because my son would cry and cry and cry. Now, he will cry a little when I drop him off and when I check the camera he’s playing and finished with his crying. He was already pretty good with speech and talking to others but man, he has gotten even better. If I could be STAM I would but at the same time…we both need/needed separation for growth. When he starts school we’ll be separate for 8 hours, I’m glad he has a head start in being independent and speaking for himself.
My brothers were raised in the Quebec $5 a day program. My parents were refugees and my mom moved with 3 of us kids alone first. That program was a life saver for her. Otherwise she would not have been able to work and build her experience in a new country and we would have been dependent on the social benefits for years. But because of it, she was able to work, provide for her kids and gain experience necessary to get better work, buy a house, and save for a pension. I think it's important to evaluate these things holistically rather than try to sensationalize the negative aspects. For the record, my brothers are great guys, both graduated uni, are in loving relationships, never in trouble at school, great athletes and no jail. I know that obviously not everything was perfect and even at the time we were aware of that but tbh like many families had very little choice. But it makes me sad that the program is now being painted in such negative light when it was literally a life line to my family and other families like ours. I just hope people see what Quebec tried to do as an opportunity of how we can improve affordable childcare rather than a reason to demonize it. ♥️
You've done a really good job of highlighting the difficulty in designing and conducting scientific studies of this - there are so many variables at play, which you list: parent-child relationship, quality of daycare, and other socio-economic related factors. It's even more tricky once you consider the different systems across countries and cultural differences. Not least, kids are different and will cope and thrive under different conditions.
I am a certified kindergarten teacher and student of social works. I have worked for many years in several daycare facilities in Germany and there's a very important thing to understand when talking about daycare. Daycare in Germany is labeled as education facilities. Even though they do work differently from the preschools I have seen while living in California, there's one point to be made. It's about why they exist. The primary reason why they exist is not to have early education for the nations living, breathing future. It's a place where they can stay while their parents work. Adding to the points of this video, it's a clear problem that the trend of keeping daycare facilities open for longer (because adults are working more, longer), supplied with few, burnt out teachers in old buildings does not lead to the "goal" of proper early education. And it's not even the parent's fault. There's a great tradition with blaming women for working or not working, but it is not a personal issue. It's a systematic problem. These parents work in order to survive in a late capitalist world where everything is becoming increasingly more expensive. With voices calling for 6-day working weeks, what will happen to these children, that are already overwhelmed by stress within a 5-day work week? The problem is so complex that we cannot even solve it by pumping billions of money into it, which we (Germany) are not even doing in the slightest. It's a faulty system that works on the premise of "enabling" the working population to work more while calling it "education opportunity" while not supplying this "opportunity" with the resources it needs.
Daycare has lots of benefits. As a teacher I can tell you the ones who struggle entering kindergarten are always the ones who didn’t go to daycare. All of the other kids understand routines and are used to a school setting.
A big part of this conversation is always that HIGH QUALITY daycares are fine for children, but the problem is that MOST daycares are not very high quality. Even in the centers that charge through the nose because they're supposedly high quality, they can't afford to pay staff a proper living wage, making it incredibly difficult to keep more than a couple highly trained, qualified staff who are actually good at their jobs. Also, the American Pediatrics Academy and NAEYC recommend no more than a 1:3 staff to student ratio for children under 18 mos, but when I checked last year, Maryland and Kansas were the only states that mandated that ratio to get licensed. Most states do 1:4, and there are even some that still allow 1:6. Even the best teachers cannot give high quality responsive care if there are too many children in their classroom.
I just started researching this as we are TTC. I think your video is a sign. For us, quality daycare is super cost prohibitive anyway, which may be a blessing in disguise.
The discussion of cortisol levels in babies in daycare, but then they adjust and probably have normal cortisol levels, really makes me think of what I bet is happening in the excessively vilified *sleep training*. Really hoping for a discussion on sleep training in the future.
The cry it out method possibly causes high stress levels in babies. I think that using that method in the first year of life can cause attachment issues and even sociopathy in severe cases. I believe this because I know adults with psychological issues and avoidant attachment disorders who were left to cry in their crib or even put in a closet. That is neglect. The only way a baby can communicate their needs is by crying. Ignoring their cries leaves their needs unmet. Consequently, the baby learns that no one is going to respond to them and may stop crying. Then unable to communicate their needs as adults. There may be other issues like lack of empathy and ability to form healthy relationships. What do you think?
I think another aspect of this issue is that since so many women WANT to have careers, it makes the job market more competitive for men. This means fewer men are able to find decent jobs that can support a family without his spouse contributing financially. Some women WANT to stay at home and just be moms but they can't because their husbands can't find a job that pays the bills.
My son has been attending a RIE based daycare with a very low teacher to student ratio since he was 2 months old. I used to stay at the daycare for an hour or two, then leave him there for a couple hours, then come back and hang out while I was still on leave. it was a good transition and he has had wonderful attachments to his peers and teachers. It really feels like a village. He LOVES it there and they have so many resources I just could never provide him at home (they are outside the majority of the day and have amazing outdoor spaces etc). He’s created such great friendships with other kids and has great social skills. He is an only child and honestly if I stayed home with him he prob would have way more screen time and less development …oh and a much more frazzled mom. I’m a better mom when I have some space, and time to be a normal functioning adult. pay the extra money for a high quality daycare if that’s the option you want /need and do what’s right for your family.
My grandma and mom both ran in-home daycares full time. I was so lucky to have that in my life and not experience the traumas of a BAD daycare. My mom quit her job and sacrificed her career to stay home when my youngest sister turned 2 and had to open an in-home daycare to supplement her income. She only watches kids under 5 years old. She’s not perfect and she watches more than 4 children at a time, but the kids love her and they always have, even when I was a child. She gets invited to their high school graduations and weddings and they come visit her before high school prom. She takes care of these children every weekday starting when they are 6 weeks old. She becomes a second mother figure to them. None of the children cry when being dropped off or picked up. She has also watched my children since they were each 9 weeks old and they beg to go to her house, even on the weekends, and talk about how much they miss her even though they’re with her everyday. I promise if you are taking your child to a daycare that they love they are not “worse off” or “delayed”. Remember the saying of “it takes a village”. A good daycare is your village! You are not sacrificing your child’s attachment style or emotional intelligence! This is all more reason for government subsidized QUALITY childcare and federally mandated parental leave! Thank you for addressing the “Trad wife” push as an aspect of this narrative. I think it is very important at this time especially in the US as conservative voices try to push women out of the workforce. Additionally, thank you for addressing the guilt shaming that is put on mothers for making the difficult choice to put their children in daycare whether out of necessity or mental health or career goals or whatever. ❤️
As someone who works in a daycare and has her own children in daycare, it really depends on the daycare. You can’t paint all childcare services as evil places that harm children. The reality is, most daycares pay very little so you can sometimes wind up with sucky daycares. Just pay attention to teacher to kid ratio, pay attention to the teachers energy; if your daycare has the option for you to just do random stop in’s to check up on your kid(the one I work at does), do that. Be extremely involved in your child’s daycare and even school experience. Ask questions about your child’s day their mood, etc. There are childcare workers who really love their job and love your kiddos and unfortunately there are some who are just there for discounted care for their kids. If you stay involved you will sus out the vibes quickly enough. No the amount you pay does not determine the type of care/love your child gets. If you can afford to keep your kids home, do it. If you can’t, again just be invoked in every step of your child’s daycare journey.
I was very worried about daycare and had watched all those videos stating daycare kids are different and what not. I had to start my son in daycare and you know what…it’s been great for the both of us so far. The daycare has camera so I can see my son the entire day along with the teachers. They also send pictures of the activities the kids are doing. I was so worried the first few days because my son would cry and cry and cry. Now, he will cry a little when k drop him off and when I check the camera he’s playing and finished with his crying. He was already pretty good with speech and talking to others but man, he has gotten even better. If I could be STAM I would but at the same time…we both need/needed separation for growth. When he starts school we’ll be separate for 8 hours, I’m glad he has a head start in being independent and speaking for himself.
I worked in 3 different daycares in my area- one being the YMCA. I worked mainly in infant and toddler rooms. Your children *are not okay* during the day. I was specifically told to not tell parents when their child would cry all day every day because “they don’t need to know.” Other children hurt your babies and toddlers, and since the adult-to-child ratio is so high, there’s no way to prevent it from happening. Not to mention how harsh and even cruel the main teachers could be to BABIES. I saw a teacher yank a child by their arm and cause the child to shriek in agony. I have trauma from what I saw and the fact that no one cares when I spoke up. In my experience, no child should be subjected to daycare. If you don’t want to raise your child, don’t have any, I beg you.
Consistency of caregiver is a huge one along with the other childcare quality factors! Not only does increased familiarity with the child allow for better responsiveness from the provider, but even infants register familiar (family coded) & unfamiliar (unsafe) adults via sent cues. I imagine the research ends up so mixed because it's very difficult to control all the potential factors of influence.
After seeing another boy screaming crying for his mom everyday when he was around 2, but she wasn't there because she was at work, I vowed to stay at home. I know this is not an option for many women but it truly breaks my heart when it IS the desire of a mom and she can't stay home. I know being a stay at home mom is not for everyone, but I do wish it could be an option for those that want it.
My niece is 2 and she is already very involved and playing with her friend. She is talking in full sentences! They’re wicked smart now it seems… humans keep getting smarter younger and younger.
Thanks for this video! I keep torturing myself with these videos, telling me that I'm damaging my daughter because she goes to nursery two days per week even though she genuinely seems delighted to go. I think your video has put it to bed for me and I can move on with the knowledge that it's maybe not the best but she's going to be fine because it's a good nursery with good ratios and she has a really loving family all around her. ❤
I find this interesting since i work in a preschool but i have to remember that preschool, headstart and daycare are all different things, with different goals.
I’m 54, I work so hard to engage myself in someway of earning more income and stop depending on anyone. my family are happy once again and I can now afford anything for my family even with my Retirement. With a step of $35k and $7k weekly returns has been life changing, after so much struggles.
My outlook on money changed when I realized someone making $200K can retire broke & someone making $80K can retire a millionaire. With the current market movement.
Daycare and a charter preschool were great for my daughter and shes 9 now and excels in school. Daycare at a military base was hell for my son at 4 and i felt much like the one mom who said "it was easier to keep him home, everyday was complaints from teachers", my son was being abused at the center and a whole investigation was done. I immediately took him out and never looked back, hes a totally different kid now that hes 5 and we're homeschooling. He had to unlearn so much bad behavior from the daycare its ridiculous,but now i get so many compliments on what a great helpful kid he is. That center had 20 kids for 2 caregivers at 3&4,those kids were everywhere and ALOT got unsupervised...still mad about it but do not regret taking my boy out and helping him become his sweet self again. No more daycares for us from now on!
I actually vividly remember my first day of daycare. Yo until that point I was with a nanny on a regular basis because my mom worked part time, but this was the first time my mom took me to a different location and just left me there for the day. To say I was inconsolable is to say nothing. I can’t properly express the level of terror and devastation I felt when I thought she would deadass forget about me and leave me there and I would never see her again 🤣 Looking back I find it hilarious, but I was absolutely convinced and terrified that I was abandoned that day.
I worked at a daycare and the babies literally stop crying like 5 minutes after the parents leave. I have seen what routine can do for kids, how they thrive and learn to work together and correct each other, to live in an ecosystem with their peers. I also see kids who never went to daycare at 3-5 years old who can't communicate or behave in the way that the 1 and 2 year olds in my classes could. They don't think their parents died, I literally just tell them mommy and daddy are at work and will be back to pick them up and they say okay and keep playing. I WILL say that daycares that are understaffed are not safe for kids. I will say that parents who think they can drop their kids off and the teacher will potty train them or teach them life skills- no, we won't. I don't have time when I am juggling 14 toddlers. I am just trying to keep them from killing themselves or each other. We will teach them routine, we will teach them how to get along with others, we will show them care and kindness. They are not traumatized, I promise you they spend all day having fun and playing and talking about how they love their mommy and daddy.
Yes!! I’ve worked in childcare for 8 years. I am now a nanny but the last ECEC I worked at I was the only part time worker who was able to work with babies under 1(you have to be 18). The ages of the early childhood education center was 6 weeks to 6 years old. While yes, some kids just aren’t cut out for being in daycare, a lot of the issues we encountered had to do with their parents. Many parents would be frustrated that we were struggling with their child bc of things like not being sleep trained, not knowing how to drink from bottles and unethical practices they use at home and expected us to follow at the daycare. However, so many parents would tell me their children were developing much faster now that they were in daycare. The babies would see the others doing things and it would make them want to do them too(walking, pointing, clapping). Most kids forget about their parents at max 10 min after being dropped off. Ngl a couple wanted their iPads more than their parents. There is definitely a difference between kiddos who have been in daycare and early learning centers too. Lots of daycares are just childcare. Early childhood education centers are more routined and have some sort of educational program they have to follow. The pre K kids have to take entrance exams to get into kindergarten, but the kids who don’t go to daycare/pre k do not have to do those entrance exams. They include naming shapes, writing and spelling their names, naming all their colors, count up to 10, hold a pencil/crayon correctly, be able to rhyme words, recognize capital vs lowercase letters and more PLUS they MUST be potty trained. Some pre k kids will take this exam multiple times just to get into kindergarten. There was definitely a noticeable difference between those who went to the ECE school from a young age and those who came into the school at 3 or 4. The lack of social experience was verryyy evident. From my experience daycares in Colorado are very understaffed and have a HIGH turnover rate bc the majority of workers are either 16-24 or 55-70. This meant the older ladies would treat us younger ones very poorly. There is also a toxicity between the employees and management in many daycares. Most are underpaid and overworked, but 90% of those people love working with kiddos so much that they’ll stick it out
@Robinv0224 yepp exactly this! I worked at an ECE center that was designed to be more strict than most. I originally applied as part time because I didn't need the paycheck, I wanted to learn about taking care of kids and figured I might as well get paid for it, and they asked me to work full time "for a few weeks" until they hired more people. Fast forward 2 months and they hired people but still had me working full time. I asked if they would switch me to a full time employee then, so I could get the benefits, and their response was "well you applied for part time" so I asked again for part time hours and they said when I applied I noted I could work any hours. I meant any time of day, as part time.... anyways I stayed for 6 months until most of my original kids aged into the next class or moved because I didn't want them to have to get used to a new teacher. Everyone I worked with loved the kids but hated working there because we were just shuffled around all the time to cover understaffed rooms. I was a teacher with an assigned class and got treated like a floater because other staff refused to work with others.
@@fi0nabear yeah I was a breaker and floated. I told them when they hired me that I couldn’t handle being with the infants every day every week bc they were so little and the crying would trigger my migraines. They put me in the pre k wing for 3 weeks and then right back to infants. I stayed for 8 months and cried my last day bc I loved working with those kiddos. Two other teachers and I left on the same day. They were a private ecec and there was a LOT of abuse and toxic behaviors from management towards us. (Like switching to spanish when I’d walk up to the front desk) and they even tried to take a couple of the teacher’s free childcare away bc the public daycares in Colorado got state funded and they were losing money.
I have 4 kids that I successfully evaded daycare for, all their lives up until about ages 5-10. If you asked them yourselves? Daycare was the most traumatic thing they’ve ever experienced and they haven’t wanted to go back. It has forever changed my youngest and he even began doing desperate things such as peeing through his whole outfit. Just to make me late for work and not have to take him to daycare because he would do anything to not go to daycare and stay with me, instead., even pee his self! We started practicing to have them be at home instead. Which they’re much happier with. Because they honestly rather be at home than in a daycare environment. My kids have great social skills. Get along with other kids just fine. They live with 3 of their best friends, even.
You guys can say from your perspective as adults, these things have no negative affect on children all you like because that’s your adult perspective and assumption, but you are not these kids. The kids actually feeling how they do. They
Should be whose asked how they
Feel about this. Or else this is just as bad as invalidating SA victims experiences..
@srealone788 I said
understaffed centers can be straight up dangerous for kids so dont even start with comparing it to SA victims. Also, SA is literally assault and evil whereas centers are designed to literally improve their lives and support the kids away from parents. You had a bad center, and I believe that and I am glad you found something better for your kids. That said you having 4 kids at home basically the same socialization benefits as a daycare class. But a lot of parents honestly do not engage with their kids in ways that they are engaged with at a WELL RUN center. If a center is bad, by all means remove them, like I said I have worked in them, and I quit because I didn't like how it was managed. But there are a lot of benefits to daycare compared to the AVERAGE experience of children, not people with super parents.
As an American mom... it doesn't matter whether daycare is good or not. In a country that requires dual-income (or one very high salary) to survive, where even poor childcare can cost more than a mortgage, where families or mommy friends aren't always able to help -- daycare is the most affordable and accessible. No amount of pressure on politicians is going to change things significantly any time soon. So I don't care if it's a psychologist or an influencer, it doesn't serve any parent to shame them for what is often the only option if they want to continue to provide for their child.
Besides, I think the research is always going to be inconclusive. A child's development and wellbeing is endlessly variable, how can any study conclusively determine the efficacy of daycare? There are so many contributing factors, it seems ridiculous to even try to draw any hard conclusions.
The only one that might be accurate is that those who can afford the best childcare are probably most likely to have the best outcome. To no surprise.
I absolutely agree with you. Thank you for sharing your comment
Okay, but I do think that we need better maternity leave policies because that would solve a lot of issues
@@crystalcline9036 Oh certainly agree! But it is a hard and long-fought battle.
Waiting for the, "if your cost of living is so expensive, jUsT mOvE" comment lol.
@@madhu7983 literally so annoying 😒
I wish we could have a system that both supported women who want to work through affordable child care AND women who want to stay at home with their children. We should have the freedom of choice and children should be seen as our most valuable assets that need to be cared for and nurtured.
We have freedom of choice.....😅 Just all your choices have results and consequences. So, choice wisely
Absolutely but we also need to have honest conversations about what the ideal is, as someone who worked in early childhood education for ten years in an exceeding centre the highest standards still come nothing close to the 1-1 attention i gave to my first job as full time nanny. NOTHING CLOSE which means the child's development will suffer
i mean the whole point is that there are better and worse choices. you literally do have the choice to put a kid in daycare, it’s just not a good choice.
Definitely. To me the obvious reaction to this should be resolving the issues daycare has or reimagining the concept so it can serve it's purpose better. Instead people default to "women should stay at home then". It's really telling how far we have yet to go in terms of valuing women (and their choices) outside of motherhood.
@@shridarlingcan you explain about consequences? I just want to understand about it
If you are watching this, you are likely a great parent and doing your best. We can’t choose the cards we have, but we can play the best game we can with them. ❤
I need this 😢❤
@@mxchic05 sending you a hug!!
"Phew" - me, 0 children, reading this comment.
I think people claiming that having a stay-at-home parent is better for a child 100% of the time are missing a key talking point; parents can suck, too.
CLARIFICATION SINCE SO MANY PEOPLE AREN’T UNDERSTANDING ME: My point is ultimately that having a SAHP does not eliminate, or even reduce, the amount of trauma a child will endure, depending on circumstance.
Obviously, I think most of the mothers talking about their personal experiences are trying to do the best by their child, but not all parents have as pure of intentions.
For the entire time she was in my life, my mother stayed at home with me and my brother, through school breaks, summer vacation, whatever. But, she was neglectful to the point of abuse. We’d go without food, we couldn’t leave the house to see friends, she never came out of her room. We were left to fend for ourselves, basically. I practically raised my brother, at least until our father finally stepped in.
Being a stay at home parent is great for a lot of parents and their children, and daycare can cause issues for many children. But stay-at-home parents can cause just as much harm, and you have to recognize that before pedaling them as the golden standard.
I haven’t finished the video yet, so I might edit this comment if necessary. I’m not disagreeing with anything said in the video, just adding on.
Second this! Thank you!
Not everyone is called to be a parent and if u suck as a parent who can't handle staying home for the crucial formative years of the child's life then they shouldn't become a parent... 😐
I feel like this point is not relevant to the video. Obviously people not fit to watch their children full time shouldn't have children and if they do they aren't the parents that this video pertains to. It's entirely another topic for daycare ro be more fit than a child's home life.
This we had a set of twins when I was working in childcare who's mom didn't give a fuck and she parentified her tween and you could tell it was the 12 and 8 year olds getting them ready in the AM. they didn't open to close at the daycare and where really better off that way. what's funny is the next job I was at was a desk job and my coworker was the twins grandmother's neighbor and grandma got custody of them.
@@kateneal1895 the point really is to this: "people claiming that having a stay-at-home parent is better for a child 100% of the time are missing a key talking point"
"...they aren't the parents that this video pertains to" demonstrates that this video is not infact saying that being a stay at home parent is better 100% of the time. Otherwise, then it *would* include and pertain to those parents as well in advocating that they still stay home, as it would still be better than not.
Keeping in mind they're not trying to refute the video, just adding another perspective that should be considered alongside it.
My first time working at a daycare, I was 19 and had no previous experience yet was hired on the spot. On my first day, they placed me to be in charge of the 2 year old classroom by myself and was simply told "keep them busy, read a book" with no direct training. The teacher of the 3 year old classroom was told to help me out with the basics. But all that meant was the teacher would peek between doors to tell me when it was time to do bathroom checks and go to the playground while she was busy trying to manage her own classroom. It was an absolute mess. I went weeks not knowing which kid belonged to which parents, not knowing I was supposed to bleach the changing table between changes, not knowing where supplies were, not knowing what activities I was expected to lead, etc.
It was even worse when the the class size suddenly tripled and some of the kids had problem behaviors that were hard to manage with such high ratios. I'm generally soft spoken and very patient but even in those conditions I snapped a couple times and found myself screaming in the faces of little two year olds. (This daycare is no longer operating btw)
All of this to say, the quality and organization of a daycare must be considered. I've worked at another daycare that was wonderful but they were high in demand, the waitlist was long, and were definitely priced higher.
No one provided me with training when I became a mom either… 😮
@@annachaldysheva5524did you become a mom of a full class of 2-year olds instantly? lol
Exactly.
I think instead of looking at “is daycare bad in and of itself” they should look at the quality (and quantity) if daycares in this country.
Many of them are not good.
I put my son in daycare when he was 12 months - 4 days before his first birthday. I had to return to my job and my studies. HE. LOVES. IT! The beginning was difficult, but we started slow with a few hours per day and built up to 6-7 hours per day. I drop him off at 8:45, they eat a snack and sing songs, then they play outside, he has lunch and a long nap, then he plays more and I pick him up. After the summer break I'm increasing it to 7-8 hours per day. When I drop him off he waves and runs into the room with the others and when I pick him up in the afternoon, we have to do a whole goodbye tour so he can wave to or hug his favourite pedagogs 😂❤ Like a celebrity leaving a gig. Has has been going there for half a year, and he has grown so much! It's good for his language development, he spends hours and hours outside, he learns new skills. I realise not all daycares are the same, but if these mom's can spread their negative anecdotes, I'll spread my positive one 😊
Same experience for me! Yes we can do without the germs or bill, but I alone can’t provide my child the stimulation and fun he gets from playing with friends all day
I agree with both of these statements. My son loves his daycare and teachers. He does cry a bit in the morning but stops in like two minutes and goes about his day. He's more advanced than other children we know who are older that are kept at home. He is also a very popular kid to the extent that the other kids all run up to say bye and know myself and our husband on site. He is almost 14 months and enjoys both independent play and playing with other children.
Same experience for me. My 2 year old loves going and they send pictures and they teach him so much- counting, abcs, singing songs, playing outside and being exposed to different food. Of coarse it costs more then my mortgage but he's doing way more then I would do if he stayed home with me
I feel as though this topic has sooo many variables it’s impossible to just say “don’t place your child in daycare.” The daycare matters, the child matters, the parents matter.
If a parent is happy and able to stay home then good for them. If a parent wishes to return to work and has good care for their child then also good. This beats the alternative of a resentful parent staying home all day and possibly creating larger damage to their child with the effects of burnout and anger.
Everyone on here crucifying parents for either staying home or sending children to daycare should take a step back. This issue is far too nuanced to have a hard stance either way.
Sure but we need to think of whats best for the kids first
@@rba4377 when did I say we shouldn’t? lol all I’m saying is that what’s good for the parent also matters as well! Yes we all want what’s best for our children. And what’s best for our children can look completely different in different homes. There are so many factors that are impossible to control for scientifically when studying this issue
Best comment. There are too many factors and nuances!
not sending a child to daycare is a privilege in today's economy. I won't take smug advice from Mikhaila Peterson, who lives off her father's fame and has a 24 h live-in rota nanny (at least she is honest about it, though).
It is a privilege but the moms in my community who stay home make huge financial sacrifices to do so (no nannies here!). Living on one income in our expensive city is a challenge but a priority. I don't know anything about M. Peterson, so no comment there.
Childcare could be considered a privilege in the US as well because it's EXPENSIVE
I appreciated your rant against governments (hello, US) that don’t take care of their women and children by providing ADEQUATE, FEDERALLY MANDATED maternity leave for at least a year. It’s disgusting how greedy the US is and how mothers get blamed for the impossible situations they are put in as a result.
Both parents. It’s just horrible the way we think raising children isn’t somehow a productive way to spend one’s time.
It is truly ficked up.
@@sarahs.9678 Oh, yeah, totally, paternity leave is a shitshow, too. My husband got MAYBE two weeks with our first and was technically home for 4 weeks with our second, but he spent most of those days still tied up with work. Men should have a right to be with their families, too.
I don’t think this is a new take. As a former daycare teacher, current public school teacher and daycare mom, I feel “Daycare is bad” is the only take I ever see. It makes me feel horrible because it’s not a financial option for me to stay home. At the same time, it’s silly that I feel horrible because my 1yo son loves daycare and gets so bored at home with just me. I just had the summer off with him and while I love spending time with my child (he is my favorite person in the world), summer solidified that we all function better with me as a working mom. I’m sick of the doom and gloom daycare narrative.
Yup, I think its often missed that children don't have universal personalities or needs (specifically how they need you to approach said needs)... and the impact of the personality and needs of the parents factor in too.
At the end of the day, whatever is best for the individual kid and family is *the* best for that kid. Timmy isn't the same as Susie, and trying to punish either of their parents for it only hurts everyone involved.
i hate that it all falls on the mom. no one should be shamed & the idea that dad's have no skin in the game is absurd. it's so 1950's
But father's can't breastfeed and their body does not need months to recover..
@@lanis57 the video is about daycare, not breastfeeding or birth. the dad's are just as responsible for childcare.
@Asbestoslover666 but if they are fully breastfed/nurse, how can a father do that?how can they get that at a daycare?
@@lanis57 You said yourself that the mother's body needs months to recover. Just because fathers can't breastfeed doesn't mean that have no part in caring for a baby. Changing diapers, burping, talking, playing, laundry and so on. Mothers should not be expected to do all of this on their own while recovering from giving birth. And while there are many benefits to breastfeeding, it's not always possible and there's absolutely no reason a father can't feed his own baby when breastfeeding isn't an option.
@JustAHorrorShow nobody says that father just stays in a side and watching what is mother doing by her own. But in a first years baby need mother ! Its is natural needs!!! most of the time ! And father can help, after work. But mam is a 24 hours 7 days extra full-time job.
It's such a excuse in your mind .. oh but not all can do it. So don't do it,if you cant. Who cares about you and your baby? Obviously nobody . Do whatever you want. All your choices just have results. That it.
not every Mum can work from home, not every husband and wife can start a business. Also the dad can stay at home with the kids. People need to stop putting it on the mum to quit her job and financial independence. The dad can quit his job and stay at home with the kids. We should improve the daycare system to make it high-quality so women who want to work like female doctors who want to save lives can do so not just a men.
Unfortunately, no one can love your child like you can. This is unspoken, and it is instinctual for moms and babies. No one can take your place in the first five years. For those who don’t have a choice, sometimes we have to chose the lesser evil, but we can’t have it all.
Every family can make the choice to start a buisness or work from home. It just requires pre-planning and hard work. If you're not is because you are either lazy, chose your position or a bad planner.
@@stuartalexander5426it largely requires MONEY!! Most businesses don’t make money their first year and a lot of families can’t afford that sadly.
@@stuartalexander5426 no one has the bloody time for all that. if you already have a good stable job but you cant always be around in the mornings for your kids, it doesnt make you evil for needing to send them to a presumably trustworthy daycare/nursery after researching and selecting the most affordable and greatest options for you and your working hours. it is really not as easy as you say it is.
No, fathers cannot replace mothers whatsoever. The video segments belonging to different interviews that Ashley used to present these facts speak on this a ton. Mothers are irreplaceable, and the men better work off their a$$es to provide because mothering is relentless. It's a full blown career that girls and young ladies are unaware that is awaiting them in the future if they choose to have children. So, it is ONLY FAIR that fathers step it up outside the home because the mothers are killing it at home. Once the children are older, the mothers can explore a ton outside which can also enable the fathers to ease up on their work.
Im from scandinavia, specifically Norway. My daughter started daycare when she was 15 months old, after my maternity leave. We have a very nice daycare. There are only 15 kids in the group with 5 adults, 2 of whom are university graduates specializing in children of that specific age group. It's even government-subsidized. I think its how the government supports the family with kids and provide standards for daycare.
Similar experience in Canada. 12 months, 12 kids, 3 full time adult employees + a rotation of childcare educators, heavily subsidized ($10/day)
That’s amazing!
If the government can afford to subsidize childcare, then why don’t they support parents who want to stay home and raise their own kids since that’s what’s best for kids instead?
In Czechia most kids start kindergarten/daycare at 3 years old. We have 6 months of maternity and them additional 2,5 years of paid parental leave.
It's both exhausting for the parent but also good for the kids. But if you want it's not that hard to find other mom friends since 98% are on the leave. So if you head out to the nearest playground lots of other moms will be around.
Putting an infant into daycare the way they are in US seems really unthinkable to me.
@@kittycoon9143 Norway is a welfare state, so it supports both; mothers who choose to stay at home and wants to work. Theres no spesific research that says being at home with kids is the best. In daycare in Norway kids are always out in nature and its mainly focus on free play not learning ABC. And we have a long maternity leave and 5 months paternity leave. Most Norwegian women choose to work because we are satisfied with the system. Its healthy for both parents and the kids. Daycare is even free if you choose to love in norther Norway. We also get monthly government support for having kids. They are the future of a country so its a good investment :)
tbh I think the reason you can’t find an answer on this is because it has more to do with the person individually and a myriad of other factors that would determine how they turn out as an adult, you can’t just blame it all on daycare or not having daycare
100%
I mean you can even see that children can grow up with vastly different outcomes even in the same enviroment pretty early on. I mean... just look at households with multiple kids.
My sister and I are polar opposities in personalities, even from birth. From how we slept, how we ate, how we responded to stimuli in our enviroment, our attachment styles, etc. Almost every family I've ever met has had the same situation.... same family, more or less same upbringing, vastly different adults on the other side.
Some kids mesh well with the chosen parenting style of their family, some kids don't. Sometimes a parent can adapt their style and expectations to better suit the kid...sometimes circumstances prevent that. Beyond that, once they're in school the amount of influence you have over them wanes until it is the experiences they have with those peers that begin to really shape who they are and how they will be as adults.
Think its important for parents to step back, take a deep breath... and realize its not all on them. Your parents are only 1/3 of the development pie. The other 2/3 are who you are/who you've always been... and how others unrelated to you have responded to that/shaped your life experiences.
So much of this links back to quality of the daycare. Almost like we need to value and pay these workers well, which means the government kicking in so that poor kids are not stuck in centers with overworked, overstretched workers just because that’s all their parents can afford. This is what’s best for children. Children’s outcomes should not be hampered by their parents’ circumstances.
10 years + educator in centre rated exceeding in australia and i still wouldnt put my child in care -if all the adults in the room are stressed all the time because of work load it can’t be good for the kids, they dont get enough individual attention, always understaffed, some kids are favourites and other kids go under the radar, staff rotation/ you dont know who is caring for your own child, centres can focus more on appearance of activities and events than giving kids enough educators and time with them, if ONE parent of ONE child struggles with overwhelm and stress it does not matter how well educated the educator is, is TOO MANY KIDS FOR ANY HUMAN even under correct ratios (we are always under staffed in a centre rated exceeding expectations in Australia lol), because of lack of adults in room kids learn more from other underdeveloped humans aka other kids. about ratios: even if you have the correct ratios kids still dont get enough individual attention because most of the time staff are cleaning, prepping activities, taking pictures, taking phone calls, writing observations and paper work, have lunch, study, we dont get to just sit there and be with the kids and even if we could who on earth can give 4 different babies or 10 kids the attention they need at once?
It has nothing to do with quality of the daycare or the pay. It is the fact that for the first four years the child NEEDS to be with their primary attachment figure (usually the mom). Take this away and the child suffers.
Or the government could help make it easier for one parent to be able to stay at home with their child. Even if you have the 'best quality' person raising your child while your'e away from them, that person is still a stranger, who doesn't love your child like you will, and who will probably not be in their life long-term. Given the opportunity, most moms would choose to be the primary caregiver for their child for the first few years of life. Unfortunately, many families are not set up that way and a contributing factor is the high cost of living and high taxes.
Did you know that you are not allowed to separate puppies from their mothers until at minimum eight weeks? And that it is recommended not to separate them for at least 12? That’s right. The United States, true to form, treats women worse than dogs.
This goes to show how this is a deep cultural issue, not just about whether daycare should exist or not.
I'm a stay at home mom so never needed child care, but I used to watch my neighbors baby 4 days a week. She saved money on daycare since she paid me like 1/2 of what daycare costs (plus the commute since I lived across the street) and I got to make a little extra money as a stay at home mom. It worked out great until we had to move.
This is very multi factorial and complicated and highly dependent on the child and the daycare. But from my experience, my child has done AMAZING at her school and loves going. Her teachers are aligned with how I want to raise her, are very focused on safety and will do whatever the child needs to feel comfortable. For example, recently my kiddo was going through a big developmental shift and there were different helpers in the room for a week. She was having a rough time going down for naps for other people and her teacher switched her lunch hour to help her go down. There are a lot of instances where the teachers were very quick to adjust things to meet her needs or other children’s needs. On top of all this, her development SKYROCKETED when she started daycare. She was late to rolling and started crawling within a couple of weeks and then walked early. She’s talking early now and is just thriving overall.
This is a rare situation I think and we got incredibly lucky. The daycare is very much our village and is very community focused. We tried another daycare before this one and it was a nightmare. She was in for one day and we never took her back.
Edit to add: we didn’t start her until 7.5 months so we had a strong bond. The daycare is extremely high quality and has a low child to teacher ratio. Shes in for 7 hours and she sleeps for 2 of those hours. She spends time with me in the morning (vs. being woken up and rushed right to school) and dad picks her up in the afternoon. We’ve done the most we can to lessen any potential negative impacts of daycare and keep our strong bonds with her as her parents. ❤️
i think it comes down to the day care provider a child has contact with. the problem of staff turnover in daycare is alarming --not unionized (in US) and often requires only 2 college classes, if that
in the US, day care pays very little, often poverty level/ minimum wage. it's criminal
@@jmsl_910100%! The bar is set pretty low so it’s hard to find a place that’s ACTUALLY high quality and isn’t just saying they are.
So true! Each of my children were vastly different in how they reacted to being dropped off.
@@k-macky1933 You are all doing a great job!
THIS!!! I feel as though this topic has sooo many variables it’s impossible to just say “don’t place your child in daycare.” The daycare matters, the child matters, the parents matter.
If a parent is happy and able to stay home then good for them. If a parent wishes to return to work and has good care for their child then also good. This beats the alternative of a resentful parent staying home all day and possibly creating larger damage to their child with the effects of burnout and anger.
Everyone on here crucifying parents for either staying home or sending children to daycare should take a step back. This issue is far too nuanced to have a hard stance either way.
I believe Suzanne Venker said that ideally, only the parents who truly *need* daycare would take advantage of it, which would help make it more accessible and affordable. Sadly it’s currently seen by a lot of people as the default option and the waitlists are long, the child to teacher ratio too high, and the costs prohibitive (in many cases).
All of these problems are fixable if we chose to value childcare as a society. But in the US, instead of having a social safety net…we have women’s unpaid labor
One of the issues with that is the fact that there are rarely quality services for folks who “really need them”. It’s unclear to me that if only the truly desperate utilized daycare that it would be better. If daycare used by affluent parents is still lacking in terms of worker pay and well being, I don’t have a lot of hope that those would go up if it were utilized by the desperate.
One sad aspect is that, unless you have a multitude of children close to each other in age, you need to send them to daycare BECAUSE everybody else does it. Because there will not be any play dates, there will not be any other children on the playground. Daycare is the only place where they can interact with children of similar age.
@@oldeuropemyhome76where do you live that this is the case? I'm in rural SW Ontario Canada, and it's quite common to stay home with the kids, or have a part time job, until the child starts Junior Kindergarten, at age 4. There was story time at the library, and I made a bunch of sahm friends. We'd come together to talk to other adults while the kids played in the adjoining room, or at the splash pad, and then it was easy to lean on each other for childcare during a dentist appointment or things like that where you just need two hours.
There are plenty who go back to work after the year of mat leave is done, too. And some do it so that the mom is home for the first 6 months and the dad is home for the second 6 months, which is allowed with the 12 month parental leave.
I feel very fortunate that this was the case, but for example, between me and the other three main women in the group, we had 10 children, and the oldest was only 7 years older than the youngest. I started it when my oldest was 1, and at that time we each had one child. There was a 2yo and two babies. More were added later, haha! Time passed, the kids are in school, and sadly we don't get together as much now, and never as a group. I still see each of them individually every month or two, and our children know each other well.
My mother stayed at home until I was 12 (I am the eldest of 3 girls). She "only" neglected us emotionally. On the other hand, I worked as an aupair girl in Paris for a year. Both parents were working full time and had aupairs from early on with their 3 kids. When they were home however, the mother interacted so lovingly with them in a way that my mum never did with us during the day. She was way more involved and that's when I learned that quality is more important than quantity.
It is so strange Because in France where I live, it's really not popular to stay at home and stop your job to take care of children. Every mom I know went back to work after the legal maternity leave : 2 and half month after the birth or at most 6months after the borth. And it is completely popular to leave your child at the daycare. In France, you pay daycare according to your incomes so every family can afford it. And it is known to improve your baby's independence, social skills, and immune system... So I don't understand why it is such taboo in the Anglo-Saxon countries and so much encouraged here in France. I personally love daycare. My daughter went there from 8 months 9am-6pm and her mobility improved so fast, she became super independent and my mental health was soooo good. My son is going to turn 9 month now and we are so excited for him to go to the same daycare our daughter went 4y ago with the same staff we know.
I think these convos are so weird and really ignore that basically every culture in the world does childcare differently!!
Same in Croatia. Most mothers go back to work after maternity leave which is paid for 1 year. It used to be common for grandparents to look after the baby afterwards since multigenerational households are common. But today most grandparents still have to work (commonly until 63-65) so the government subsidized daycare became a popular option. In Croatian forums on this topic I only read how daycare kids get sick more often but develop faster than stay at home kids and that was it. No discussion about permanently damaging your child. Then I made a mistake of going to TH-cam for answers 😅
Probably because France actually has good government programs with great social benefits. This is what other countries (esp anglo-saxon) lack. To have good childcare, you need engaged citizens who are willing to pay more taxes to improve care for everyone. UK/US and the likes are too individualistic and narrow minded societies.
Breastfeedng is also discouraged in France as it is somehow seen as demeaning to Women
This goes for all assistance programs, not just daycare, but paying based on income is probably the best solution I've seen. In the US, it's only based on a maximum income. So if you make a certain amount, you automatically don't qualify for any assistance. At all.
I haven't finished watching, but I'll add my 2 cents. I studied Early Childhood Care and Education and worked in 4 different nurseries (daycare centres) over 4 years. At the end, I concluded that if I ever had my own children, I would NEVER send them to nursery full time.
I've seen practitioners lock small 2 year olds (before they developed speech) in a closet. I've seen babies being screamed at for having dirty nappies (normal, it's literally your job to change their nappies). I've seen a 4 year old flung across the room by his arm. Children being left in soiled clothes when they're in the middle of potty training. Food being withheld for bad behaviour. Children's needs being blatantly ignored. In almost all of these cases, the children did not yet have the speech capabilities to tell their parents what was happening to them and even when the actions were reported, all of those staff members kept their jobs with no repercussions.
So the next time your child cries when they're being dropped off, try to investigate why. Very few children who are happy in nursery get violently upset when they're being dropped off. You might never know that something is happening to them. Staff can seem lovely but you don't know what they're doing when you're not there.
I don't work in the sector anymore, and neither do any of the people I started with. We were in good, reputable centres. It crushed my soul until I just left.
yup
same here
My wife also studied ECE and she saw mistreatment where she worked for her first job. This place catered to upper class parents and it was very close to a big office hub where most of the parents worked, but that place was just trying to cut costs to make a profit. She quit that place after 2 months.
I also studied ECE and concluded that I do think some sort of early childhood education is necessary. I worked at a center and my mom ran an in home daycare. I definitely prefer the in home setting. My son started attending a center 2 days per week at 1 years old ((couldnt find a spot before that)), and I see it as an activity for him to participate in. He enjoys it and I do see his social skills blossoming.
Heartbreaking 💔
Yep. I had the same experience and I REFUSE to put my kids in daycare because of it.
What a strange discussion to people from central Europe. I mean, there are a lot of people who don‘t want to give there toddlers into daycare because they say „why do I have kids, when others are raising them?“ and I think, if you garantee a paid parental leave as a state a lot of the parents prefere caring for their babies instead of giving them to day care. But still, most of us European citizens went to childcare as our parents did. and we got it in good memory and don‘t all seem to be generations of weirdos uncapable of relationships
I think the people who work in childcare in Europe are also seen as a knowledgeable resource for the parent. When/if they have any concerns/questions.
In the Netherlands the government is working on free childcare. I don't think this is viable because there are not enough employees in this sector. However they clearly prioritize daycare for the population.
They also make sure a certain standard is met at every daycare location, with yearly checks from a specialized entity
I agree, I live in Bulgaria. The maternity leave is two years paid and a third unpaid, but guaranteed social security, health care and pension payments. So most children go to kindergarden between 2 and 3 years of age. And they do so so many activities that a parent would be challenged to curate for them. Like music classes, dance, theatre plays, art and crafts. Thry have vegetable garden, participate in the cooking sometimes. After age of 4 they go on day trips in local farms, museums, police station. We also have a lot of activities with parents like profession days, pets days, book reading, etc. Do I dont see how I can do this for my two kids especially being different ages.
I cannot even cook three meals a day every day, as they get in kindergarden.
We are
I live in Brazil and went do free childcare and it was totally fine, when I started the regular school i even already new who to write and basic stuff compared to people who didn't go do kindergarten.
I feel like going to school since a baby helped me to fit in the routine
Agree :) I went to daycare in Germany in the mid 90s when it started at two years old. My mom and my best friend are kindergarten teacher and my husband works with young kids. I have great memories of my daycare days and I know a lot of people who work in childcare. Obviously bad daycares exist and not all children take well to going to daycare but I just don't get this daycare & "moms who send their kids to daycare" bashing. I live in the Netherlands and my daughter has been going to daycare two days a week since she is 13 weeks old, which is when maternity leave ends here. No problems whatsoever. She enjoys being around other kids and her caregivers love her. We have a great bond and she has not forgotten that I am her mom. She will go for a third day when she is one year old, which is in two months. I feel zero guilt about sending her to daycare. While I am grateful for my maternity leave I know for a fact now I am not supposed to be a stay-at-home mom, not that this was ever the plan for me. I enjoy going to work four days a week and having one day to take care of her during the work week. I also am the primary income provider of my family, so staying home would not be an option for me/my family, even if I wanted to. Creating the financial stability I want to have for my family is important to me. And yes, I would like to go on vacation too. So what?!
I’m so glad you talked about child/caregiver ratios. My degree and background is in early childhood development and I spent several years teaching at a childcare center in texas. In this state the ratio for 2yr olds is 11:1, which is absolutely insane. Even as a well qualified and caring person, there was absolutely no way for me to give each child the attention they needed. Everyday felt like survival, and I found myself clenching my teeth so much that it caused TMJ. I’m sure my own stress wasn’t good for the children either, and I only worked in this setting for 4 months before I quit, afraid that I would snap and could hurt a child out of frustration. This is very hard to admit, because the last thing I would ever want to do to a child. However, looking back I can see how much the system was set for failure.
Some states have childcare ratios that are absolutely appalling.
11 toddlers… to ONE adult??? My jaw is on the floor.
Thank you so much for your courage to share this with us. This kind of transparency and honesty for what it's really like is incredibly valuable!
I think comparing staying at home to daycare isn't the only comparison needed to weigh up the decision. Even if daycare is worse for a child's development Vs staying at home, the question then becomes, is that negative effect greater than the negative effect of loss of family income? The evidence on daycare is mixed, but the link between educational and health outcomes with income brackets is well documented. Maybe daycare will have a small detrimental impact on a child, but I doubt it is as bad as the impact of living in poverty, or on a struggling household income.
This!
Well, I mean on that note ~ more parents are finding it is actually cheaper to just have 1 parent stay home OR take turns than the cheapest (probably low quality) daycare available in their area. So again, another variable highly dependent on what jobs & daycare quality VS cost is available in any given area. I think for most people working minimum wage or near to, unfortunately staying at home (or using a daycare alternative) is still going to win monetarily for most people.
Yep. Also tension in the family because insufficient income. It extremely stressful for every family member.
Way to bring the nuance! Love this.
Yeah there are just WAY too many confounding variables in a child's life to say issues of attachment and future behavior issues and anxiety can be attributed to daycare. Thats my biggest gripe with these psychoanalysts like Erica Komisar. When I've seen interviews of her she references the kibbutz study which I also read and a kibbutz is A. not a daycare B. many of them had children live away from their parents and C. the researchers said the evidence didn't give strong conclusions in the study.
Additionally, many of these people say "kids going to daycare has been on the rise the last 50+ years and so has the uptick in ADHD, anxiety, etc." Which, again, there are too many variables to say its daycare. Rates of divorce have increased (which impacts kids), we now have smart phones and tablets, we are the unhealthiest we've ever been, we have so much dyes and chemicals in our food, we're more atomized, we've lost third spaces, etc, etc. Which is also why the evidence isn't conclusive bc you can't find a direct connection with everything else going on.
I love your video essays but this one was hard to watch. I am a working mom and have one child in childcare. He has been in a home based child care since the age of 1 and is 3.5 now. I see both sides of this equation. I don’t think by any means newborn babies should be going to daycare facilities. It breaks my heart for USA moms that get barely any parental leave. I am thankful as a Canadian to get 12-18 months of job protected leave. A home based daycare worked well for us because we really trusted the provider and she only had 3 kids in full day care and 3 other just for after school care. My child received quality attention this way . I felt childcare for my son has been really good. He was born during the peak of the pandemic. I have noticed huge difference in him and his social skills because of childcare. I really think quality childcare is the key. Daycare centres scared me and the constant staff turnover. The other side of this is I don’t think asking women to stay home give up their careers is the right answer. I think women that are solely dependent on their husbands creates a different risk. You have women staying in unhappy marriages and don’t have a way out because they rely on their husbands. I am sure there are studies that show children being exposed to parents unhappy marriage has a negative effect too. Also for some being a stay at home mom doesn’t fill their cup. I am one of those women. I love having a career of my own. I just think if someone wants to be a stay at home mom that’s wonderful but if someone wants to be a working mom that’s wonderful too. There should be quality childcare available. Moms are judged too much this day and age. No matter how you do it someone will have an opinion.
I totally agree with this
I worked at a daycare for less than two weeks with 3-5 year olds. I ran into so many behavioral problems that I’d never experienced with the age group outside of daycare. Those poor kids were stuck at day care all day long, with 1 or 2 adults for up to 15 kids. They did not get individual, intentional time with adults, doing anything valuable. They were back and forth outside and inside all day long and the end of the day was the worst bc after 7-9 hours taking care of themselves, they just wanted to go home. Kids would pee themselves, the floor, start throwing tantrums, jump off of furniture, start screaming, etc. it was rough. Little groups of the kids would be doing this all at the same time and I could only address one at a time. I was so disappointed in the center bc I thought (according to their site and training) it would be fun, helping kids do activities and playing. It was a nightmare. And I don’t think I’ll ever stop thinking about it.
I worked at an extremely high quality preschool/daycare for 3 years. Students developed strong and healthy attachments to their teachers and parents were extremely thankful and trusting due to our very low teacher-child ratio (much lower than state requirements) and attentive care.
It's unfair to make blanket statements about the value or harm of daycare when care quality could range from my experience to near neglect.
@@elizamartin4263 i dont think they said "all daycare" she described the adult-child ratio on purpose. Its definitely important to use high quality if you can but there is simply not enough space in the truly great childcare environments. I am blessed to be able to keep my kids home with me and therefore keep more space available for the families that need it more than we do
@@elizamartin4263but your experience is not common. You are an outlier in this conversation, ma’am. I have seen this in multiple childcare situations, daycares, camps, behavior centers.
@@Restingmadface yes I totally see that. I'm just saying you can't make a statement like "daycare is bad" or vice versa because every provider is different.
There are preschool teachers and daycare workers who do an honorable job and deeply care about the kids they care for and I wish everyone had access to those situations.
I work in childcare 10 years. Its pretty common. I think the main problem is children can’t develop relationships well because of the revolving door system of educators. I’ve seen difficult to manage children behave well with strong relationships to educators. It’s all about the love.
This guilt tripping is why I haven’t had kids yet. How am I supposed to have kids if single income isn’t an option?
People will guilt trip you over every facet of parenthood. Like most parenting issues, this one is extremely nuanced, and anyone who speaks in binaries is looking at it from their very narrow point of view. They don't actually want to help, they want to shame.
@@camilaorlandi3782those same people bitch about how parents today cater to their children too much, won’t let them cry it out, etc. No matter what, modern parents are doing it all wrong apparently.
It’s impossible to keep other people happy please do you. There are different opinions out there as there are fish in the sea. Try to remember also that for most things there is a reason all this content is created, por most part the more polemic the more views, likes, comments etc. so not everyone and everything is good on its own
When people guilt you, tell them to shove it. You can do everything perfectly and there will always be a complaint. If you decide to have a child, know that it is tough, but it has a rhythm, and it's so damn rewarding. You learn so much about yourself and watching your baby grow and love is just the best thing, imo. Of course, if you choose not to, that is also a rewarding life, as you will be living in your own path. Best of luck!
Just started this video, former daycare employee at both high end and lower end daycares for 9 years. I will tell you that I will never return to working at any center and I will not be sending my child to daycare. Socialization is not important. Attachment and safety is. When 1 year olds have to compete with 13 other 1 year olds for any adult comfort or attention, you can imagine the zoo they are apart of for 9 hours a day.
in Finland it's nothing like that. I've worked in many daycare centers and all the kids get as much love and attention as they want. Usually there are the more independent kids that only want some hugs every once in awhile and then there's the clingies ones who are being held almost all day every day. I think it depends a lot on the child to adult ratio. 13:1 can't be good. I wouldn't put my kid through that, but with like a 5:1 ratio would work very well, especially when in Finland all the workers are specialists in childcare, some are nurses, some are early education teachers and they really do know how to read the kids to know what they need. Me and my sister went to a small home-like daycare center at 1 years old and my brother went when he was 3. Mom sometimes bears guilt over not stay-at-home-momming as for longer but we all have such great memories from daycare
@@beakmug it's not 13:1 but 7:1. Here in the states, on the infants 1st birthday they immediately transition to the toddler room. Baby room is 4:1. So the chaos begins. In adding bottles to the teacher's already hectic schedule. It's a very intense job and intense environment for such little people.
I grew up in my Mom's home daycare and that was wonderful. Home daycare environment is better for sure, but I'm not so easily trusting to put my kid in a stranger's home. My Mom was so warm and great with kids. I got that from her. I may have to start something like that at my home as I'm gonna have a baby any day now and not sure what I'll do yet.
My husband stayed home with our kiddo and now can't get rehired in his career path because he's been out of work 4 years.
This is sad. And what I'm terrified of. I've been home for a year and sending out resumes is giving me anxiety
@@kendalereliford6771 yeah my husband had been unsuccessfully trying for 1.5 years to get a new job.
This is what has had to women for decades… it’s sad it happens to stay at home parents - except I will recommend that people start a side hustle or work a part time/remote job if possible to retain some skills and make extra income.
The anti-daycare discourse happens in a vacuum that ignores the current economic reality. It is inherently class coded, and by that token race coded. Right now, two incomes and/or multiple jobs are required to even afford basic housing and food in many metro areas. For a majority of parents there is no alternative, therefore the discourse is less about helping parents make better choices, and more about shaming caregivers.
Couldn't have said it better myself
Maybe you're right but i hoped it was to pressure funding better daycare
I hear what you’re saying but my family is low income and I am anti-daycare. I’ve seen too much abuse happen in daycares to put my children there.
We are low income, living in a large metro area on one income. Yes housing is insane and we’re a bit cramped, but it’s ok. Some sacrifices are worth it for the wellbeing of children. Everyone’s situation is different of course, but most people just aren’t willing to make those sacrifices. Many people could stay home who claim they can’t for financial reasons.
@@mgoodingsilverwood and then they brand parents as selfish if they put their kids in daycare whereas they're actually trying to sustain in this cruel world abd are trying to provide for their kids
As a mom who worked from home with my daughter until she was 2 and a half putting her in daycare was the best thing for me and her. I was so stressed working, making sure she was stimulated, and caring for a new baby and she was bored at home lol. We found a wonderful home daycare, we love her provider, she learns so much, and she values getting to see her friends every day. I plan on keeping my son home until 2 and doing the same thing with him.
Honestly, I think it comes down to something like this: daycare is like parents. If you have good ones, you become a good person. If you have neglectful, abusive parents, you develop trauma and/or become a bad person. To be so hateful to those that utilize daycare instead of abandoning their children at home (most people can't leave their job, work from home, or have people to look after their kids), is bizarre. Yes, there are bad daycares like there are bad parents. Yes, there are good daycares like there are good parents. (And yes, I hate that they have to choose life for a child or a child.) Human development is so nuanced you can't come to a conclusion that all daycare is evil or amazing. It affects everyone differently. I don't think working parents already dying to provide a life for their dependents should be shunned for using a resource. Should they do research? Sure, but that's easier said than done. Also, Tradwives are a part of the historical pendulum; feminism was the Cult of Deomesticity back in the 1800s and the 1950s; now it has swung back to that idea but it's sexy because only the rich can afford such lives.
This is one of my first times leaving a comment, so please share your thoughts with me. I think diversity of thought is incredible, so feel free to disagree 💜
I appreciate your nuanced take! At the end of the day, bad care will cause harm whether it comes from the parents or daycare and everyone does their best to provide as high quality care as they can given their ability
I think in the past, everyone worked, they just took their kids in the fields or to the market. I could be wrong. I just think we are still all figuring out how to not screw our kids up in the modern world.
I agree. Just "no daycare" is not the answer. Do the best you can in this world. At a time when mothers are constantly being told they're doing things wrong, can we just assume good intent and try to find the best resources we can?
Aptly said.
People can say that a baby crying doesn’t mean the separation is causing stress but as soon as a kid can talk they always say they don’t want to separated from their mom and dad so trying to speak for a baby just doesn’t work.
I remember going to daycare and after school programs because my parents worked, and it’s one of the biggest reasons I’m so glad I’m no longer a child. My parents did what they could, but we lived right beside the school and the feeling of abandonment I would feel at school, especially having very few friends, has done irreversible damage to me. I struggled with separation anxiety for years so bad that I didn’t want to go to college, do sleep over camps, etc saying this while I was in the single digits. I’m better now but it made me dread any day that wasn’t the summer time, thankfully I never went to my school’s summer program.
So much of this links back to quality of the daycare. Almost like we need to value and pay these workers well, which means the government kicking in so that poor kids are not stuck in centers with overworked, overstretched workers just because that’s all their parents can afford. This is what’s best for children. Children’s outcomes should not be hampered by their parents’ circumstances. BUT FIRST WE HAVE TO HAVE RESPECT FOR TRADITIONALLY “FEMALE” LABOR. People have to recognize this work as real work, essential to our society, frankly much more valuable and important that half the desk jobs out there (no offense to the cubicle warriors out there)
I worked In day care for 4 years. “High quality care” is for the privileged who don’t really need it. The people who do need (single moms, low income, etc.) they are stuck at the centers with high child to teacher ratios. That is a fact. Upper middle class where both parents choose to work and can choose to spend more for better care even though one parent could afford to stay home and the wealthy who have their kids in daycare 2-3 half days per week for “socialization” even though one parent is a stay at home parent… they are the ones who get “high quality care”
So the problem is access to high quality care, not that daycare is inherently damaging
This is such a toxic mindset… parents shouldn’t be judged for using a daycare/nursery setting. I’ve worked with children for over 10 years and worked with many incredible people who provide such a positive environment for children to thrive & grow. As long as you have a decent setting, with lovely caregivers (or practitioners as we call them in the UK)
I wish we had more play centers in the US. Basically a preschool but you get to go with them, in a more casual setting. Like a playgroup with high-quality materials and some teacher-led activities.
I'm currently 7mo pregnant and investigating childcare options. I'm also an adult who was sent to daycare at 6wks of age since my mom had to go back to work. I... don't want to do that to my own child. I think I went to a higher quality daycare, but even now I remember not really enjoying it, and I remember wishing I could just stay with my mom instead. :( I definitely have some fond memories of playing on the daycare playground and making lots of friends through daycare, but those are memories from when I was 4+ years old, not 2months old...
One of the most frustrating parts is discussing this with my dad, he basically brags about how early he was able to send us to daycare, and that they were lucky to even get the 6wks off of work. He's basically aghast that I'm going to get 4months off of work, like that's an extremely excessive amount of time. Fucking boomers man....
In my country (Bulgaria) we have 2 years of paid maternity leave and the daycare is free in my city. It usually starts from 2 years on, but you can leave a baby as young as 10 months old. I'm not saying it's all good around here, we have a lot of problems in the daycare system, but at least we have more options. I think it's beneficial for kids 2 years and up to go to daycare, cuz they will learn a lot more from people who are specialists in the area. People in USA should fight for this.
My toddler loves daycare and barely says goodbye to me when I drop him off. He goes running through the store to see his friends. He comes home knowing so much, it’s crazy and I’m amazed by him.
Thank you for putting this together!
I am from Germany and here, the opposite opinion prevails among the childcare specialists, social service workers and parents: that it is bad if a child does not visit daycare after the age of 4. We've been called to jugendamt several times already for not attending daycare, often enough, because "non-german speaker children Must attend daycare".
This is an opposite side of medal of the country that pays the daycare centers and allows 1 year of maternity or paternity leave.
This is why you’re fucked if you’re an only child or if your siblings don’t live in the same area; you can’t just call uncle or auntie to give a helping hand when you’re off to work.
Oh, that shed a whole new light on that decision for me...that breaks my heart
@@1ducttapeproduction This is another reason yo have a few great friends in your life.
I haven’t finished the video but as a kid who went to day at 15 weeks I remember absolutely loving it. It would be nice if both parents didn’t have to work but I don’t think my childcare was really traumatic
As someone that currently works in a childcare setting (but will change careers soon), I have made the decision that I will never send my future children to daycare for multiple reasons:
1. Children grow and develop so fast. Many parents genuinely get upset that we are the ones that get to witness first smile, word, steps. Ideally, one or both parents should be witnessing that.
2. Sickness. There are so many unnecessary diseases that your child is exposed to, as soon as your child has a slight temperature or runny stool, they are sent home with a parent for 48 hours of isolation at least. The parents end up missing out on so much work that they often get in trouble at work, taking out their frustration on staff and resenting minding their sick kids. As a future parent, I dont want my job to take priority over my sick child.
3. Its so expensive and its not worth the money. I'm lucky enough to have a paid off house with my partner, so sending a child to creche would be the biggest expense! As someone that works from the system from within, burnt out staff, emotional/psychological abuse towards children, lack of staff (many call out sick and people change careers), no resources, not enough adequate supervision (which leads to fights, bites, severe accidents), laziness of workers which plan 0 activities for children (just let kids run around 24/7), often badly cooked food made from cheap materials. And thats not including horrors that I've witnessed such as some not changing nappies throughout the day, giving children low quality formula milk, allowing very sick staff to work due to shortages, you are going to send your child into a Monday to Friday orphanage with horrific conditions.
4. Very little resources if your child has special needs. My setting has applied for government funding and extra special needs staff and there was no help, especially for severe cases of ADHD and ASD. Special needs kids are often seen as 'disruptive' and 'troublemakers', often bullied by other children and adults due to lack of resources.
5. The kids dont get as much socialisation as one assumes. Most teachers only address a child to give out to them throughout the day. The really young kids get no conversation, if tgey cant speak to peers yet, therefore there are often speech delays.
6. I have literally witness lazy teachers that would rather let a potty training piss their pants instead of going to the toilet with them. They think its easier to change their clothes than staying with a child in the toilet for 5 minutes. These teachers traumatise children.
I do understand that some parents need to incomes to pay mortgage, bills, etc. If thats the case, get a nanny, work remote, involve grandparents, etc. The less your child is in a setting, the better! Consider all the options. Perhaps letting one parent stay home for a while when the children are young might work for you.
Take care of your children, they grow up so fast, dont miss out on this invaluable bonding experience and save your child from any possible form of abuse and neglect in a setting!
Makes me proud to be from a country where you can stay at home with your kid for 3 years, 1.5 paid. And nope, they cannot fire you in that period.
Parents should have a choice.
Wow, what country?
@@christinaleyva6522 Estonia!
It is slowly changing but overall still one of the best offers out there ;))
@@christinaleyva6522majority Easter Europe like that (Russia, Belarus, Ukraine, Czech Republic, Rumanía…)
@@Anastasiamitchell21but the payment it's not very high
It takes a village, and kindy/daycare is a part of your village that you deserve to use.
I’ve never placed my kiddo in daycare and never whe to daycare as a kid. As a kid my grandpa and grandma watched my cousins and I at home which now, I realize was a huge privilege. I wish more moms had a longer maternity leave AND a village to help with child raising. Without those areas addressed, daycare will continue to be the default.😢
Most mums don’t have a village
@@dorino9057 This is so true. Our family is so far away that we get some help but it is mainly us holding it down! I have so much grace for parents, it’s not easy.
Interesting video im a stay at home Dad with a 6 month old and have been considering the 2-3 days a week to help with income and sanity. I ultimately came to the thought that I wanted to wait for him to be able to talk so he could tell me if something was wrong, but this gave me some more perspectives. Also, thank you for not just picking a side and pushing what you want to be true and saying that there is just so much inconclusive data that we don't know for sure.
some kids do great at daycare, probably most of them do good, and some should not be sent to day care because they will never adapt/will develop trauma. those kids are mostly neurodivergent. I was one, and being sent to daycare at 3 has marked me forever. my first memories from childhood are connected to fear.
I'm not sure I want to watch this. I'm a stay at home mum to a 4yr old and 2yr old. I have no family supoort where I live so made the decision to send my kids to daycare for 2 mornings a week when they turned 2 for my own mental health. I already feel guilty enough and I find content like this triggering. Perhaps because I know I'm doing it more for me not for them. Thankfully they enjoy daycare and I'm a better mum for having some me time. However, society is fantastic for making mums feel guilty no matter which decision we make..
And taking care of your mental health is taking care of your children. ❤️
I don’t think a couple mornings a week will hurt your kids I’m lucky to have family support and sometimes you just need to break. That’s not close to day care all day every day
@@juliepltz7711❤❤
@@abcd9430you're right, we're just so hard on ourselves
Erica Komisar and Suzanne Venker (both referenced in this video) have lots of content confirming that mothers don’t need to be with their babies 100% of the time. Especially after 2, some time for you is super important. Sounds like you naturally found a good fit, and I don’t think the video would be triggering, since it’s really talking about all day daycare starting super early.
Man this has really made me feel so much better about how we have handled daycare, we kind of just got lucky. The price is insane but ill keep busting my ass to make sure they stay at these high quality daycares for my two kids. We sent our first kid to care at 2 and second at 1 1/2. My wife being superwoman worked from home and stayed with kids until sent to day care.
The ratio of the day cares just happened to be really good. I believe its 4:1 and 6:1. And these people in care have been amazing. Bonded so well with our kids theyve come to birthday parties and go above and beyond for our kids. I know this isnt always an option for everyone, we hot really lucky and now im sacrificing to keep them where they are
My place of employment used to offer in-house daycare free of cost. It was halted due to COVID regulations indefinitely which makes absolutely no sense because in-person work was swiftly brought back but the free daycare sooo many people depended on was lost indefinitely.
I mean, if being a good mom means quitting my job and being a stay at home parent for longer than a few months, I know for a fact it's not for me. I know people are pissed about folks opting out of parenthood too, so it's not like we can win. But oh well.
💯 you can’t win either way - we’ll always just be bad parents destroying humanity. And if we are child free then we’re destroying humanity by not procreating soooo 🤷🏼♀️
This certainly did NOT disappoint! As a sahm of two and expecting (in the USA), I got pregnant during shutdowns just shortly after getting married. With harsh work environments for essential personnel, I chose to leave and stay home FT instead. I loved working, so there are days I miss that. I’m grateful we started out with one income as to learn “survival” in these harsh economic conditions.
Now as a family of 4 and growing, making less than $80K annually is still tight, but this video sheds so much light on a ‘world’ i’d never otherwise know needed so much support. Thanks, Ashley!
My child loves daycare. She's 15 months, and it's her place filled with her friends. The second we walk in she's like Bye and walks off. I would not rob her of what is clearly her needed social interactions. She has a blast, and she's learning so much. I love our daycare. It's clear to me they love the children and work very hard to make sure they are loved and fed and are meeting developmental milestones. Not all daycare centers are like this, I know. And not all children are well adjusted or thrive in that kind of environment, I also know this. I used to work in early childhood development. All children, institutions, and families are different. There is no one size fits all, so their argument that women should be SAHMs and care for their children at home because they would thrive more is a ridiculous argument. My child wouldn't, and I know it.
I imagine research was so difficult because the question is rooted in political idealogy. I know turning point USA is very conservative (would be anti day care), and I'm sure left wing studies would be very pro day care.
@@calvinphelan5697 Exactly. There's a reason the trad wife trend and anti-childcare trend seem to be moving together.
Scrolling TikTok fries my brain, seeing all the pros and cons of all these topics - your videos give me some informed judgments on these so thank you!
My mum works at a childcare centre, she gets frustrated when she starts working with a group of children that have fallen behind because of her colleagues not keeping track of children’s milestones. She works hard and gets them to the level they need to be for their age group. When they age out she sees them fall behind again because the next teachers don’t know how to help kids reach the next milestones. I think childcare should be something that is monitored and adequate training and maybe even a course in children’s psychology is necessary to work at a childcare centre! They’re literally teaching the next generation which is so important!
I’d rather be with my kid than spend these precious years working for a company that could just up and fail or fire me at any time. There’s nothing more I’ve dreamed of than being a mom. My husband made my dream of becoming a mother come true, so it’s really weird to hear the concept of women “not following their dreams” or “taking a backseat to their husband’s career” - my husband and all the men he works with get to watch their kids grow up via photos on a cellphone. He sacrifices so I can care for him.
I don’t either. Not judging others, BUT there is countless research on how multitasking does NOT allow you to focus on multiple things at once to the same degree. Meaning, one thing is suffering, is it your kids or your career? I cannot imagine working a full time job, giving my kids all the attention they need and deserve AND not letting my husband be thrown to the wayside during all of that.
Okay, this is a very privileged and judgemental take.... I make a lot more money than it costs to put my kid in daycare, I make half the household income. That money is essential for us to like, own a home, buy food, clothes etc... As well as pay for childcare. It's not a one for one swap. Not only that, but I get a lot of satisfaction from my work, I'm very good at it and I think I have a bright future in my career. This bright future also means my child will have access to private school, quality food, art supplies and toys, their own bedroom, and maybe even family trips abroad when he's older. Putting the baby in daycare 4 hrs a day (and working 4 additional hours while they sleep), makes all this possible. I'm not choosing a company over my baby, I'm choosing our long term happiness and wellbeing as a family over a slightly more ideal present. The idea that I'd just rather be a drone for some company that being with my kid is hurtful and untrue.
Also, is it really that weird that some women want things in life other than being a mother? I've always wanted to be a mom as well, it has been the most meaningful experience in my life by far. But it's not the only thing I want and am, and that doesn't mean I love my baby any less. I've always been academically and professionally ambitious and need intellectual stimulation to be happy. I also wasn't born with much and want to give my babies a better life than I had. If you're happy spending all day with your baby, and your family can afford to live on one income, that's great for you, you're in the lucky minority. There's nothing wrong with having this privilege, but these comments are loaded with judgement of others less privileged than you.
@@TheVivaciousNerd this is the take we needed in this discussion!!! Why is it that people think once you become a mother you cease to exist in any other capacity. Yes, I love being a mother. But I’m not defined just by my role as a mother.
I do feel as though having my own goals, aspirations and time outside the home has made me a better mother. It has made our family more financially stable. It has made me so much more present with my children.
I don’t have any problem or judgement with any woman who has dreamt of being a stay at home mother and is able to do so. But the idea that this is the only correct way is so narrow minded and frankly preposterous. Let’s all support other moms. We are all doing the best we can.
Daycare in the U.S. really is suffering right now. My younger sister who is 19 works at a daycare. She has always loved babies and kids and every child she interacts with loves her… it actually makes me jealous sometimes how content she is just playing with kids all day long. But the daycare she works at is understaffed and she has been so stressed that she went to part time a while back. They have about one teacher/caregiver for most rooms that aren’t the baby room for 10-15+ kids. Even with my sister working there part time, the job is breaking her heart. She sees these children struggling and having behavioral issues left and right. It breaks her heart because she tries to do her best to care for and give quality attention to as many kids as she can but there is only one of her in the classroom and so instead she often has to just put out the biggest fire and rarely gets to bond with the children. It makes her so sad. It’s bad enough and breaks her heart so much that she says she is going to have to get another job for a few years before she will be willing to have kids of her own. It has literally scarred her emotionally and mentally.
What about the stress of poverty to children if you live on 1 income. My mom stayed home with me until my parents divorced and then we were flat broke. My mom continued to be broke and had to move in with me before i started my own family. It's caused a lot of stress for me and anger bc i shouldn't be expected to care for my mom. I will not do that to my son. My son goes to school 2 days a week and started at 18 months. He loves it for the most part. I wish he could stay home with me but i also want to make sure i can provide for him now and myself in the future.
I'm a mom who's child goes to daycare and she absolutely loves it. She's excited to see her teachers every morning. And she comes home perfectly happy. She gets structured and routine based education and care. She comes home and we still spend plenty of time together playing and snuggling. Her dad and I pull in 6 figures and we have a college savings for her and plenty in our rainy day fund and retirement. As someone who grew up poor with a mom who didn't work but still did not care for us and would disappear to indulge in a drug addiction I still feel 100% like a good parent for choosing daycare. It's not about right or wrong, but about what's best for your situation.
It really falls down to luck
@@Vibrantly_Monochromatic There are so many variables to success at daycare but this really just feels like woman bashing.
Thank you for this nuanced approach! I found myself sliding to an extreme view in the last few months, and this essay has brought me back to a better perspective.
“Every Mother deserves to be with her baby for at least the first 12 months of life”. Yes ma’am! Say it again sister!! 👏🏽👏🏽💕💕
I was a stay at home mother. But I did work freelance online in the evening hours. I also was a host at a mommy cafe in the years before our son went to school, so he did see other kids. 5 years later our daughter was born, when she was 2 yrs old she went to daycare once a week. It is in the same building as her school, so it already felt very natural to her to go to the same "school" as her brother. Around age 3 I started working more and switched more with my husband, he started to work 1 day less and 1 added a day. Right now both kids are in school and I work at the after school daycare in the same school. I love feeling connected to these children. Our kids don't go there since my husband is available for them and once a week their grandmother. As a caregiver myself I really wanted to raise our kids by our self.
UK Mom here! My daughter started at 8 months old she’s 16 months now and loves it! She goes two days a week and already says over 50 words and is soooo social! She’s come on massively in her development since starting 😊
im halfway thru but...As someone else had pointed out.. why is it majority of anti daycare people are mid to high income people and why most of them are white?
Yep, it'll almost always be a white woman with a husband making a livable wage who says "Anyone can afford to be a SAHM, you just need to adjust your lifestyle." No knowledge of what life costs outside her bubble. And how do single parents fit into this assessment? 😅
Im a stay at home dad. Take care of soon to be 2 little girls. In the US. Gave up my career. Life is rough.
As someone who follows the attachment theory I hate what people have made of an actual scientific finding. Attachment is not about any of this. It’s about forming a genuine bond with your kid.
Italien here, my kids love their daycare, they are 26 kids and have 8 maestre. My kid during vacations is always asking when will we go back to class so they can tell their teacher and little friends what ever we did during vacations.
As someone who works in a small home daycare my experience has been a little different. Babies seem to do very well when starting daycare anywhere from 3-6 months old. They form attachments to the caregivers the same way they would an aunt or grandma who takes care of them. Some children do fine when starting 1-3 years but I find those children can struggle the most with separation anxiety. It really depends on the individual child. In our experience part time children who come for a few hours every day do better than those who come once or twice a week for a full day. Routine and consistency help a lot. Children feel safe when they know what to expect.
I was very worried about daycare and had watched all those videos stating daycare kids are different and what not. I had to start my son in daycare and you know what…it’s been great for the both of us so far. The daycare has cameras so I can see my son the entire day along with the teachers. They also send pictures of the activities the kids are doing. I was so worried the first few days because my son would cry and cry and cry. Now, he will cry a little when I drop him off and when I check the camera he’s playing and finished with his crying. He was already pretty good with speech and talking to others but man, he has gotten even better. If I could be STAM I would but at the same time…we both need/needed separation for growth.
When he starts school we’ll be separate for 8 hours, I’m glad he has a head start in being independent and speaking for himself.
My brothers were raised in the Quebec $5 a day program. My parents were refugees and my mom moved with 3 of us kids alone first. That program was a life saver for her. Otherwise she would not have been able to work and build her experience in a new country and we would have been dependent on the social benefits for years. But because of it, she was able to work, provide for her kids and gain experience necessary to get better work, buy a house, and save for a pension. I think it's important to evaluate these things holistically rather than try to sensationalize the negative aspects. For the record, my brothers are great guys, both graduated uni, are in loving relationships, never in trouble at school, great athletes and no jail. I know that obviously not everything was perfect and even at the time we were aware of that but tbh like many families had very little choice. But it makes me sad that the program is now being painted in such negative light when it was literally a life line to my family and other families like ours. I just hope people see what Quebec tried to do as an opportunity of how we can improve affordable childcare rather than a reason to demonize it. ♥️
What is this, the 1930s? It's 2024 and it feels like we're moving backwards. This is one of the many reasons why I don't want kids.
You've done a really good job of highlighting the difficulty in designing and conducting scientific studies of this - there are so many variables at play, which you list: parent-child relationship, quality of daycare, and other socio-economic related factors. It's even more tricky once you consider the different systems across countries and cultural differences. Not least, kids are different and will cope and thrive under different conditions.
I am a certified kindergarten teacher and student of social works. I have worked for many years in several daycare facilities in Germany and there's a very important thing to understand when talking about daycare.
Daycare in Germany is labeled as education facilities. Even though they do work differently from the preschools I have seen while living in California, there's one point to be made.
It's about why they exist. The primary reason why they exist is not to have early education for the nations living, breathing future. It's a place where they can stay while their parents work.
Adding to the points of this video, it's a clear problem that the trend of keeping daycare facilities open for longer (because adults are working more, longer), supplied with few, burnt out teachers in old buildings does not lead to the "goal" of proper early education.
And it's not even the parent's fault. There's a great tradition with blaming women for working or not working, but it is not a personal issue. It's a systematic problem.
These parents work in order to survive in a late capitalist world where everything is becoming increasingly more expensive. With voices calling for 6-day working weeks, what will happen to these children, that are already overwhelmed by stress within a 5-day work week?
The problem is so complex that we cannot even solve it by pumping billions of money into it, which we (Germany) are not even doing in the slightest. It's a faulty system that works on the premise of "enabling" the working population to work more while calling it "education opportunity" while not supplying this "opportunity" with the resources it needs.
Daycare has lots of benefits. As a teacher I can tell you the ones who struggle entering kindergarten are always the ones who didn’t go to daycare. All of the other kids understand routines and are used to a school setting.
Bruh this is ridiculous 3 minutes in they act like daycare is boarding school
A big part of this conversation is always that HIGH QUALITY daycares are fine for children, but the problem is that MOST daycares are not very high quality. Even in the centers that charge through the nose because they're supposedly high quality, they can't afford to pay staff a proper living wage, making it incredibly difficult to keep more than a couple highly trained, qualified staff who are actually good at their jobs. Also, the American Pediatrics Academy and NAEYC recommend no more than a 1:3 staff to student ratio for children under 18 mos, but when I checked last year, Maryland and Kansas were the only states that mandated that ratio to get licensed. Most states do 1:4, and there are even some that still allow 1:6. Even the best teachers cannot give high quality responsive care if there are too many children in their classroom.
I just started researching this as we are TTC. I think your video is a sign. For us, quality daycare is super cost prohibitive anyway, which may be a blessing in disguise.
The discussion of cortisol levels in babies in daycare, but then they adjust and probably have normal cortisol levels, really makes me think of what I bet is happening in the excessively vilified *sleep training*. Really hoping for a discussion on sleep training in the future.
The cry it out method possibly causes high stress levels in babies. I think that using that method in the first year of life can cause attachment issues and even sociopathy in severe cases. I believe this because I know adults with psychological issues and avoidant attachment disorders who were left to cry in their crib or even put in a closet. That is neglect. The only way a baby can communicate their needs is by crying. Ignoring their cries leaves their needs unmet. Consequently, the baby learns that no one is going to respond to them and may stop crying. Then unable to communicate their needs as adults. There may be other issues like lack of empathy and ability to form healthy relationships. What do you think?
I think another aspect of this issue is that since so many women WANT to have careers, it makes the job market more competitive for men. This means fewer men are able to find decent jobs that can support a family without his spouse contributing financially. Some women WANT to stay at home and just be moms but they can't because their husbands can't find a job that pays the bills.
My son has been attending a RIE based daycare with a very low teacher to student ratio since he was 2 months old. I used to stay at the daycare for an hour or two, then leave him there for a couple hours, then come back and hang out while I was still on leave. it was a good transition and he has had wonderful attachments to his peers and teachers. It really feels like a village. He LOVES it there and they have so many resources I just could never provide him at home (they are outside the majority of the day and have amazing outdoor spaces etc). He’s created such great friendships with other kids and has great social skills. He is an only child and honestly if I stayed home with him he prob would have way more screen time and less development …oh and a much more frazzled mom. I’m a better mom when I have some space, and time to be a normal functioning adult. pay the extra money for a high quality daycare if that’s the option you want /need and do what’s right for your family.
My grandma and mom both ran in-home daycares full time. I was so lucky to have that in my life and not experience the traumas of a BAD daycare. My mom quit her job and sacrificed her career to stay home when my youngest sister turned 2 and had to open an in-home daycare to supplement her income. She only watches kids under 5 years old. She’s not perfect and she watches more than 4 children at a time, but the kids love her and they always have, even when I was a child. She gets invited to their high school graduations and weddings and they come visit her before high school prom. She takes care of these children every weekday starting when they are 6 weeks old. She becomes a second mother figure to them. None of the children cry when being dropped off or picked up. She has also watched my children since they were each 9 weeks old and they beg to go to her house, even on the weekends, and talk about how much they miss her even though they’re with her everyday. I promise if you are taking your child to a daycare that they love they are not “worse off” or “delayed”. Remember the saying of “it takes a village”. A good daycare is your village! You are not sacrificing your child’s attachment style or emotional intelligence! This is all more reason for government subsidized QUALITY childcare and federally mandated parental leave!
Thank you for addressing the “Trad wife” push as an aspect of this narrative. I think it is very important at this time especially in the US as conservative voices try to push women out of the workforce. Additionally, thank you for addressing the guilt shaming that is put on mothers for making the difficult choice to put their children in daycare whether out of necessity or mental health or career goals or whatever. ❤️
As someone who works in a daycare and has her own children in daycare, it really depends on the daycare. You can’t paint all childcare services as evil places that harm children.
The reality is, most daycares pay very little so you can sometimes wind up with sucky daycares. Just pay attention to teacher to kid ratio, pay attention to the teachers energy; if your daycare has the option for you to just do random stop in’s to check up on your kid(the one I work at does), do that. Be extremely involved in your child’s daycare and even school experience. Ask questions about your child’s day their mood, etc.
There are childcare workers who really love their job and love your kiddos and unfortunately there are some who are just there for discounted care for their kids. If you stay involved you will sus out the vibes quickly enough. No the amount you pay does not determine the type of care/love your child gets.
If you can afford to keep your kids home, do it. If you can’t, again just be invoked in every step of your child’s daycare journey.
I was very worried about daycare and had watched all those videos stating daycare kids are different and what not. I had to start my son in daycare and you know what…it’s been great for the both of us so far. The daycare has camera so I can see my son the entire day along with the teachers. They also send pictures of the activities the kids are doing. I was so worried the first few days because my son would cry and cry and cry. Now, he will cry a little when k drop him off and when I check the camera he’s playing and finished with his crying. He was already pretty good with speech and talking to others but man, he has gotten even better. If I could be STAM I would but at the same time…we both need/needed separation for growth.
When he starts school we’ll be separate for 8 hours, I’m glad he has a head start in being independent and speaking for himself.
I worked in 3 different daycares in my area- one being the YMCA. I worked mainly in infant and toddler rooms. Your children *are not okay* during the day. I was specifically told to not tell parents when their child would cry all day every day because “they don’t need to know.” Other children hurt your babies and toddlers, and since the adult-to-child ratio is so high, there’s no way to prevent it from happening.
Not to mention how harsh and even cruel the main teachers could be to BABIES. I saw a teacher yank a child by their arm and cause the child to shriek in agony. I have trauma from what I saw and the fact that no one cares when I spoke up.
In my experience, no child should be subjected to daycare. If you don’t want to raise your child, don’t have any, I beg you.
Consistency of caregiver is a huge one along with the other childcare quality factors! Not only does increased familiarity with the child allow for better responsiveness from the provider, but even infants register familiar (family coded) & unfamiliar (unsafe) adults via sent cues. I imagine the research ends up so mixed because it's very difficult to control all the potential factors of influence.
After seeing another boy screaming crying for his mom everyday when he was around 2, but she wasn't there because she was at work, I vowed to stay at home. I know this is not an option for many women but it truly breaks my heart when it IS the desire of a mom and she can't stay home. I know being a stay at home mom is not for everyone, but I do wish it could be an option for those that want it.
My niece is 2 and she is already very involved and playing with her friend. She is talking in full sentences! They’re wicked smart now it seems… humans keep getting smarter younger and younger.
Thanks for this video! I keep torturing myself with these videos, telling me that I'm damaging my daughter because she goes to nursery two days per week even though she genuinely seems delighted to go. I think your video has put it to bed for me and I can move on with the knowledge that it's maybe not the best but she's going to be fine because it's a good nursery with good ratios and she has a really loving family all around her. ❤
I find this interesting since i work in a preschool but i have to remember that preschool, headstart and daycare are all different things, with different goals.
I’m 54, I work so hard to engage myself in someway of earning more income and stop depending on anyone. my family are happy once again and I can now afford anything for my family even with my Retirement. With a step of $35k and $7k weekly returns has been life changing, after so much struggles.
Hello how do you make such weekly??
I'm a born Christian and sometimes I feel so down of myself because of low finance but I still believe in God.
@@babytruca02Maria Angelina Alexander I really appreciate her efforts and transparency.
My outlook on money changed when I realized someone making $200K can retire broke & someone making $80K can retire a millionaire. With the current market movement.
You're correct!! I make a lot of money without relying on the government.
Investing in stocks and digital currencies is beneficial at this moment.
wow this awesome 👏 I'm 37 and have been looking for ways to be successful, my work hasn’t been helpful.
Daycare and a charter preschool were great for my daughter and shes 9 now and excels in school. Daycare at a military base was hell for my son at 4 and i felt much like the one mom who said "it was easier to keep him home, everyday was complaints from teachers", my son was being abused at the center and a whole investigation was done. I immediately took him out and never looked back, hes a totally different kid now that hes 5 and we're homeschooling. He had to unlearn so much bad behavior from the daycare its ridiculous,but now i get so many compliments on what a great helpful kid he is. That center had 20 kids for 2 caregivers at 3&4,those kids were everywhere and ALOT got unsupervised...still mad about it but do not regret taking my boy out and helping him become his sweet self again. No more daycares for us from now on!
I was abused at an in home daycare. I will never leave my child in a daycare……
I actually vividly remember my first day of daycare. Yo until that point I was with a nanny on a regular basis because my mom worked part time, but this was the first time my mom took me to a different location and just left me there for the day. To say I was inconsolable is to say nothing. I can’t properly express the level of terror and devastation I felt when I thought she would deadass forget about me and leave me there and I would never see her again 🤣 Looking back I find it hilarious, but I was absolutely convinced and terrified that I was abandoned that day.