After the first hoover I set a boundary of no more silent treatments... we communicate. It didn't happen so I discarded 9 months ago and went no contact. I'm currently going through his 3rd hoover attempt since (as he lives close) and your videos have kept me strong.. so thank you so much x
Good for you. No one deserves that. The silent treatment abd stonewalling was a constant in my life for so long, my whole double decade marriage, and made me lose it so many times… It was not the boundary that I finally enforced that made him leave but it should have been included. I will never again tolerate silent treatment. You deserve support and companionship, not controlling punishment like the silent treatment.
I set boundaries. When I stopped letting him cross, he got worse. It was really difficult setting the boundaries and keeping them. But he got so mean. Took a month or two and I had to go. I couldn't suffer anymore.
This is true narcissists hate boundaries that cannot be broken. I know this because my narc sent me a letter after I dumped him in which he complained about my unbreakable boundaries. He tried to make me feel guilty for having boundaries that he couldn't breach. He called me a cold-hearted b**** and said that I never once showed vulnerability. Good on me!!!
My ex would twist my boundary back on me so I would question if my boundary was selfish or even appropriate…. I subsequently dropped all my boundaries thinking they were selfish or not something a good partner would set … Manipulating and controlling is ultimately what I found him to be
Yep! My boundaries are firm so he flipped out. Crashed our only car drunk and his parents try their best to remove any consequence I will have for him. But I am learning I can only affirm my boundaries and because people will continue in their toxic behaviors it will hurt me but I can still find happiness around their behavior. I told him one of us was moving out by the end of February because he didn’t keep his own word and things are only getting worse. He won’t leave. So I will have to.
**update** He’s refusing to pay for the $700+ damages and is blaming me for his actions. LOL but these daily posts have really helped me stand my ground. Please never stop doing this!
@@KD_9494 i wish you well on your move and his parents are enablers to his narcissist child and they know their son is the way he is which is why the push them off on people to make it seem to the outside that he's normal when in reality their truly toxic and pessimistic...
My ex Narc would always tried to make me feel selfish and ridiculous when I would set boundaries, well the joke was on him when I followed through in January and walked away. I blocked, went no contact, and ghosting, but I still feeling guilty. He's still in my head, telling me that it's all me, that I'm the mean selfish one. It take daily work to remind myself that I matter. That my life in no longer all about him. I can exhale, and not have to hold my breath all the time because I don't know when he going to go off.
When I started to learn about boundaries & consequences the rage really began and early on he was angry and said, “so you get to set all the rules!” Yes.
This is very true. This is why I was forced to get a R.O. You don’t respect me or the boundaries I’m trying set. You will respect the law and even then he hasn’t but at least there are serious consequences for him when he violates the R.O. Hoovering can turn into harassment, stalking & intimidation so you have to protect yourself & children by any means necessary.
That's where I went wrong in my relationship with my ex. I didn't enforce the consequences of the boundaries I had set, and so she pushed and pushed, and continually broke them. I didn't follow through with those consequences, and so things didn't work. When I did begin establishing and enforcing them, it was too little, too late, and she got really mean, really fast. She even told me, "I don't want you to have boundaries," while she set boundaries that I respected. I was so exhausted by trying to set these boundaries up, that I had to get out. Still my biggest regret from that relationship. Makes me wonder if things could have worked had I been stronger.
Hello Ben! Thank you for pointing out that we may have reached our capacity of abuse and should hold the abuser accountable. After detaching (not out yet) I made a statement that shocked both me and himself. I refused to do things for him that he criticized, never said thank you, etc., but expected/demanded. When he complained I accused him of human trafficking! I REFUSED to be part of that! Darn Skippy! The look on his face was total surprise. I followed through for several months. Now I'm doing some things for him again because he is gracious. It works! 🙏
@@SurvivorC Hello! Thank you for your reply. I appreciate it when the community shares their experiences because it is sometimes as educational as the tutorial. Everyone's comment is only the tip of the iceberg. May I ask you to expound a bit more on your comment? We, on these channels, have all suffered. Your experience and perspective is valuable to me. Thank you so much. 🌸🌷🌸
Thank you for explaining this to me. I noticed the first year that anything I told my narc NOT to do, he did. I didn't know he was a narc. I thought maybe he was just too controlled in childhood and needed freedom so I stopped putting lines in the sand so he'd stop crossing them. That worked for awhile but they always have to increase the temp to boil the frog. I didn't know what his goals were, so I couldn't predict his behavior. I ASSUMED he wanted a healthy, happy relationship like I did, so I woukd explain how his behavior would prevent us from our shared goal (as if he cared about that! 🙄). I left him but have always been confused by his behavior until this video. Thank you very much.
With regards to them raging at you in that particular instance I would give them TWO warnings. After that, I would leave with my things (because I didn't trust him to not hold them to ransom), tell him he could talk to me when he'd calmed down if he wanted. Being trauma bonded the danger would then be the blackmail and manipulation techniques he'd use because I wasn't texting or calling him or chasing him, but, if I stuck by my convictions as you said, it would be his loss not mine for abusing me. 🍒
I find after decades of being with a narcissist, I tried to set boundaries, but they always got broken. There is a definite effect on victims when trying to set boundaries after leaving an abusive relationship. It can be hard to set boundaries after many years of abuse. The abuse often leaves victims guilty when settling boundaries because of decades of having boundaries broken then being gaslit and blamed to think your boundaries are unreasonable or bad. I went through anger and self-doubt sometimes when setting boundaries, and as a consequence, my boundaries fell apart. I have to learn to be stronger with boundaries, and it is very true that consequences are essential to effective boundaries.
💯 agree with everything you're saying. My boundary after years of emotional abuse was infidelity and in the last year he's crossed it several times. I'm like the frog in the slowly boiling water, it's almost become normalized. Oh you cheated again, okay 👌.
@@SurvivorC I got him out of my house thankfully but he's still in my life trying to get back in. Just yesterday he was telling me his lease is up in a few months so will he be moving back in? I was stupefied considering I had just caught him at his place a few weeks ago with one of the women he had cheated with. 🤦
I acted like them/mirrorizing their behavour (as I have narcissistic traits myself), not narcissistic personaloty desorder though, and they hated it. One change street when saw me IoI
My parents play games at lunchtime. It so bad that I refuse to eat with them. I don't tell them....I won't eat with them...I just microwave a burrito and I'm not hungry. Then lunch is on them to make and clean up. They old 80 and 84. But I'm still not going to play games!
I was discarded almost immediately after setting and sticking to boundaries, and honestly it was a big fear of mine, to be left like nothing. But that’s exactly what happened... It hurts but at least I know the relationship wasn’t nearly what I thought it was. I’m not nearly healed or in a “good” place yet. But as each day goes by I realize he was pushing my boundaries each day and more and more until they were almost non existent. Then would twist it around as if I was over reacting about everything. This is not a healthy mental place to be in. I felt myself slipping away and I was accepting waaaaay less than I would normally ever do with someone. So basically the discard hurts but it’s a huge blessing in disguise. Shows true colors for sure. Best of luck to you 💕
I simply didn’t have the strength to set boundaries I was always confused and so tired. Mine did the triangulation every single day… he would always tell me that he didn’t want me and then I’d beg him to stay he loved it the last time he threatened to leave I just accepted it which led to him hovering me for 4 months straight until my my dad stood up for me… I’m so sorry that you had to go through the discard but it’s a blessing that what I realize day by day ♥️♥️ you deserve much better take care of your beautiful self ♥️✨
I really disagree with SETTING boundaries. Instead, I’m a proponent of: DO - Have boundaries - Communicate if something was not okay - Follow through on consequences, but DO NOT: - set a clear boundary - announce specific consequences. Here’s why: Every boundary can be stepped over in a harmless way. The Narc will _love_ doing just that. Then your announced consequences will be inappropriate, and you face the choice of not following through or giving the Narc a legit reason to play the victim. Example: If you tell him/her that you’ll call the police if he/she ever sets foot on your property again, let’s say after an instance of vandalism, he/she might bring flowers to your door with an apology. Good luck not shooting yourself in the foot when calling the police.
Please help me. Yesterday I exploded at my mother and I feel awful about it. She's got all the symptoms of what people call a narcissist and was abusive as a child to all of us. My sister doesn't talk to her anymore. My brother texts her once a year. My eldest sister cals maybe twice a year. I never felt comforted by my mothers touch. It repulses me. So my boundary is that she isn't allowed to sit in the seat of the doting mother who deeply cares for her kids. Because she doesn't. She crossed the boundary and I told her calmly why I was upset but she plays stupid or something like she does not even remember what just happened. Then she stonewalls me. So I finally just blew up. I swore at her and I'm not proud of it. But now I'm apologizing for my behavior and she's walking away all justified in hers. Nothing was achieved. Can someone advise me here?
I took the narc to court for a restraining order and no, I never looked at him. I looked at the judge and my lawyer. Who cares if he hates you? Newsflash he already does and he hates himself... so nothing you can do can make him hate you more. Ignore him like he isn't even there. Mine was so angry he banged on the table when I was responding to my lawyer's questions. I didn't look at him but you know who did? the judge and guess what I won.
@@SpartanShannon I am going to agree with you here, - look at the judge, look at the lawyer, or look at anyone on the other side of the room from them that you know for absolute certain is on your side. The judge and your lawyer, however, are the safest bets. Don't look at them especially if it makes you uncomfortable or you could lose your train of thought or feel intimidated. Part of their control is nonverbal, through their tense, angry body language when you are doing something they don't like, so if you are looking at them, their body language could potentially transmit their messages of anger towards you that your subconscious picks up, and then you suddenly find yourself shutting up, putting yourself on mute like they do all the time. Alternatively, they could go take on the pretense of 'vulnerable' wouldn't hurt a fly narc. It has gotten them out of trouble before, right? You feel pity for them, and you back off, and they win. I know of a narc who had to go to court, and who should have lost. However, she smiled at her opponent like they were besties and it was all just a big misunderstanding, and once his guard was down, proceeded to wipe the floor with him.
Looking at the narcissist would be supply for him. Don't do it because he will interpret it as you still want him. Don't make the empathic mistake of believing it shows strength and courage.
I love the idea of having consequences. "Boundaries without consequences are just speed bumps!"
After the first hoover I set a boundary of no more silent treatments... we communicate. It didn't happen so I discarded 9 months ago and went no contact. I'm currently going through his 3rd hoover attempt since (as he lives close) and your videos have kept me strong.. so thank you so much x
Good for you. No one deserves that.
The silent treatment abd stonewalling was a constant in my life for so long, my whole double decade marriage, and made me lose it so many times…
It was not the boundary that I finally enforced that made him leave but it should have been included. I will never again tolerate silent treatment.
You deserve support and companionship, not controlling punishment like the silent treatment.
@@dauglove7835 definitely. I hope you're enjoying your free life now x
Good luck and may strength be with you to do what's right for YOU.
I set boundaries. When I stopped letting him cross, he got worse. It was really difficult setting the boundaries and keeping them. But he got so mean. Took a month or two and I had to go. I couldn't suffer anymore.
Caregiver mother 😖✌️💆 9months NC 💪 so much happier
This is true narcissists hate boundaries that cannot be broken. I know this because my narc sent me a letter after I dumped him in which he complained about my unbreakable boundaries. He tried to make me feel guilty for having boundaries that he couldn't breach. He called me a cold-hearted b**** and said that I never once showed vulnerability. Good on me!!!
My ex would twist my boundary back on me so I would question if my boundary was selfish or even appropriate…. I subsequently dropped all my boundaries thinking they were selfish or not something a good partner would set … Manipulating and controlling is ultimately what I found him to be
Yep! My boundaries are firm so he flipped out. Crashed our only car drunk and his parents try their best to remove any consequence I will have for him.
But I am learning I can only affirm my boundaries and because people will continue in their toxic behaviors it will hurt me but I can still find happiness around their behavior.
I told him one of us was moving out by the end of February because he didn’t keep his own word and things are only getting worse. He won’t leave. So I will have to.
Stay strong. 💪
**update**
He’s refusing to pay for the $700+ damages and is blaming me for his actions.
LOL but these daily posts have really helped me stand my ground.
Please never stop doing this!
@@KD_9494 i wish you well on your move and his parents are enablers to his narcissist child and they know their son is the way he is which is why the push them off on people to make it seem to the outside that he's normal when in reality their truly toxic and pessimistic...
If you have any legal claim to that property and you have the strength of a Saint, you stand firm girl. Feck him, and his family.
My ex Narc would always tried to make me feel selfish and ridiculous when I would set boundaries, well the joke was on him when I followed through in January and walked away. I blocked, went no contact, and ghosting, but I still feeling guilty.
He's still in my head, telling me that it's all me, that I'm the mean selfish one. It take daily work to remind myself that I matter. That my life in no longer all about him.
I can exhale, and not have to hold my breath all the time because I don't know when he going to go off.
Stay strong!! Keep getting mentally strong YOU CAN DO THIS!!! YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE TREATED BADLY!!
When I started to learn about boundaries & consequences the rage really began and early on he was angry and said, “so you get to set all the rules!”
Yes.
The crazy here is that it will ALWAYS end.
Is the Narc looking for the unicorn of an infinite punching bag?
This is very true. This is why I was forced to get a R.O. You don’t respect me or the boundaries I’m trying set. You will respect the law and even then he hasn’t but at least there are serious consequences for him when he violates the R.O. Hoovering can turn into harassment, stalking & intimidation so you have to protect yourself & children by any means necessary.
That's where I went wrong in my relationship with my ex. I didn't enforce the consequences of the boundaries I had set, and so she pushed and pushed, and continually broke them. I didn't follow through with those consequences, and so things didn't work. When I did begin establishing and enforcing them, it was too little, too late, and she got really mean, really fast. She even told me, "I don't want you to have boundaries," while she set boundaries that I respected. I was so exhausted by trying to set these boundaries up, that I had to get out.
Still my biggest regret from that relationship. Makes me wonder if things could have worked had I been stronger.
Hello Ben! Thank you for pointing out that we may have reached our capacity of abuse and should hold the abuser accountable. After detaching (not out yet) I made a statement that shocked both me and himself. I refused to do things for him that he criticized, never said thank you, etc., but expected/demanded. When he complained I accused him of human trafficking! I REFUSED to be part of that! Darn Skippy! The look on his face was total surprise. I followed through for several months. Now I'm doing some things for him again because he is gracious. It works! 🙏
Be careful. He might have found another secret way to manipulate you. I’ve been through that where it looked like it was better…..
@@SurvivorC Hello! Thank you for your reply. I appreciate it when the community shares their experiences because it is sometimes as educational as the tutorial. Everyone's comment is only the tip of the iceberg. May I ask you to expound a bit more on your comment? We, on these channels, have all suffered. Your experience and perspective is valuable to me. Thank you so much. 🌸🌷🌸
Thank you for explaining this to me. I noticed the first year that anything I told my narc NOT to do, he did. I didn't know he was a narc. I thought maybe he was just too controlled in childhood and needed freedom so I stopped putting lines in the sand so he'd stop crossing them. That worked for awhile but they always have to increase the temp to boil the frog. I didn't know what his goals were, so I couldn't predict his behavior. I ASSUMED he wanted a healthy, happy relationship like I did, so I woukd explain how his behavior would prevent us from our shared goal (as if he cared about that! 🙄). I left him but have always been confused by his behavior until this video. Thank you very much.
This is one of my favorite videos on boundaries, thank you!
With regards to them raging at you in that particular instance I would give them TWO warnings. After that, I would leave with my things (because I didn't trust him to not hold them to ransom), tell him he could talk to me when he'd calmed down if he wanted. Being trauma bonded the danger would then be the blackmail and manipulation techniques he'd use because I wasn't texting or calling him or chasing him, but, if I stuck by my convictions as you said, it would be his loss not mine for abusing me. 🍒
The better boundary to set is to get rid of these scumbacks.
I find after decades of being with a narcissist, I tried to set boundaries, but they always got broken. There is a definite effect on victims when trying to set boundaries after leaving an abusive relationship. It can be hard to set boundaries after many years of abuse. The abuse often leaves victims guilty when settling boundaries because of decades of having boundaries broken then being gaslit and blamed to think your boundaries are unreasonable or bad. I went through anger and self-doubt sometimes when setting boundaries, and as a consequence, my boundaries fell apart. I have to learn to be stronger with boundaries, and it is very true that consequences are essential to effective boundaries.
Yes! They say..oh it's ok. I said ..no it's not ok because! Tell them they will be shamed for neglect!
💯 agree with everything you're saying. My boundary after years of emotional abuse was infidelity and in the last year he's crossed it several times. I'm like the frog in the slowly boiling water, it's almost become normalized. Oh you cheated again, okay 👌.
Please get help & get out.
@@SurvivorC I got him out of my house thankfully but he's still in my life trying to get back in. Just yesterday he was telling me his lease is up in a few months so will he be moving back in? I was stupefied considering I had just caught him at his place a few weeks ago with one of the women he had cheated with. 🤦
Boundaries my blank with people like that!!!
These are high level awareness, thank you.
Good point! Thanks!
Who has time for this mess?
Limitations! Set them! It's my parents so I can't run back to my parents 😭 but I can stop them from supply!
I acted like them/mirrorizing their behavour (as I have narcissistic traits myself), not narcissistic personaloty desorder though, and they hated it. One change street when saw me IoI
Good content ! - thanks
My parents play games at lunchtime. It so bad that I refuse to eat with them. I don't tell them....I won't eat with them...I just microwave a burrito and I'm not hungry. Then lunch is on them to make and clean up. They old 80 and 84. But I'm still not going to play games!
Great video like always!♥️
But don’t they get bored and discard if there are consequences?
sometimes. or it can get worse
I was discarded almost immediately after setting and sticking to boundaries, and honestly it was a big fear of mine, to be left like nothing. But that’s exactly what happened... It hurts but at least I know the relationship wasn’t nearly what I thought it was. I’m not nearly healed or in a “good” place yet. But as each day goes by I realize he was pushing my boundaries each day and more and more until they were almost non existent. Then would twist it around as if I was over reacting about everything. This is not a healthy mental place to be in. I felt myself slipping away and I was accepting waaaaay less than I would normally ever do with someone. So basically the discard hurts but it’s a huge blessing in disguise. Shows true colors for sure. Best of luck to you 💕
I simply didn’t have the strength to set boundaries I was always confused and so tired. Mine did the triangulation every single day… he would always tell me that he didn’t want me and then I’d beg him to stay he loved it the last time he threatened to leave I just accepted it which led to him hovering me for 4 months straight until my my dad stood up for me… I’m so sorry that you had to go through the discard but it’s a blessing that what I realize day by day ♥️♥️ you deserve much better take care of your beautiful self ♥️✨
I really disagree with SETTING boundaries. Instead, I’m a proponent of:
DO
- Have boundaries
- Communicate if something was not okay
- Follow through on consequences, but
DO NOT:
- set a clear boundary
- announce specific consequences.
Here’s why: Every boundary can be stepped over in a harmless way. The Narc will _love_ doing just that. Then your announced consequences will be inappropriate, and you face the choice of not following through or giving the Narc a legit reason to play the victim.
Example: If you tell him/her that you’ll call the police if he/she ever sets foot on your property again, let’s say after an instance of vandalism, he/she might bring flowers to your door with an apology. Good luck not shooting yourself in the foot when calling the police.
Yes true
Healty people does not need bounnderies...because they have respect
Please help me.
Yesterday I exploded at my mother and I feel awful about it. She's got all the symptoms of what people call a narcissist and was abusive as a child to all of us. My sister doesn't talk to her anymore. My brother texts her once a year. My eldest sister cals maybe twice a year.
I never felt comforted by my mothers touch. It repulses me. So my boundary is that she isn't allowed to sit in the seat of the doting mother who deeply cares for her kids. Because she doesn't.
She crossed the boundary and I told her calmly why I was upset but she plays stupid or something like she does not even remember what just happened. Then she stonewalls me. So I finally just blew up. I swore at her and I'm not proud of it.
But now I'm apologizing for my behavior and she's walking away all justified in hers. Nothing was achieved.
Can someone advise me here?
Can you share examples of consequences of boundaries violation?
I feel bad when I see myself as a supply but I charge for my supply! No ticket no shirt.
Know your worth :)
Malingering. Is that common with a narc?
New camera? Lookin' good 👍
New iPhone :)
CAn u answer this ...should I make eye contact when testifying against the narc in court ?? Also, would tjs make him hate me ??
I took the narc to court for a restraining order and no, I never looked at him. I looked at the judge and my lawyer. Who cares if he hates you? Newsflash he already does and he hates himself... so nothing you can do can make him hate you more. Ignore him like he isn't even there. Mine was so angry he banged on the table when I was responding to my lawyer's questions. I didn't look at him but you know who did? the judge and guess what I won.
@@SpartanShannon I am going to agree with you here, - look at the judge, look at the lawyer, or look at anyone on the other side of the room from them that you know for absolute certain is on your side. The judge and your lawyer, however, are the safest bets. Don't look at them especially if it makes you uncomfortable or you could lose your train of thought or feel intimidated. Part of their control is nonverbal, through their tense, angry body language when you are doing something they don't like, so if you are looking at them, their body language could potentially transmit their messages of anger towards you that your subconscious picks up, and then you suddenly find yourself shutting up, putting yourself on mute like they do all the time. Alternatively, they could go take on the pretense of 'vulnerable' wouldn't hurt a fly narc. It has gotten them out of trouble before, right? You feel pity for them, and you back off, and they win.
I know of a narc who had to go to court, and who should have lost. However, she smiled at her opponent like they were besties and it was all just a big misunderstanding, and once his guard was down, proceeded to wipe the floor with him.
Looking at the narcissist would be supply for him. Don't do it because he will interpret it as you still want him. Don't make the empathic mistake of believing it shows strength and courage.
Yes he did cross it and now it’s the divorce and bunch of attorneys and lots of money sorry Narc🤣