Is Ending Relationships Transphobic?
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 29 ก.ย. 2024
- When transgender people transition, sometimes relationships can suffer as well. But is this always due to transphobia? Or is it possible to love a transgender person before transition...then not love the transitioned person? I believe the answer is yes.
Can relationships survive gender transition?
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Does identity change with gender transition?
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I appreciate and love the raw honesty, compassion, and intelligence you put into your answers. I'm so happy for you that your bond with your spouse is safe. I don't think it's anyone's fault if a relationship doesn't stay together after a transition. Trans people don't choose to be trans, and no one chooses their sexual orientation. Sometimes, sadly, it just is what it is.
Thank you for all your praise, honestly! I wasn't sure how well this video would go over. It's hard to allow people to be who they are, and that means both ways - the transitioned and the one left behind. I'll keep doing what I am...thank you again! 💜
My relationship survived, even though my partner is not attrached to my "new" geneder. I was always showing "signs" of femininity though so my parter did not fall in love with a "typical cis guy" in the first place.
So...what's happening, if you don't mind me asking? It seems like it would be difficult to have a relationship when one partner is not attracted to the other. Is the intellectual bond sufficient?
Like everyone else's story, mine is complicated. Speaking from my wife's perspective, she would tell you that we divorced over my need to transition. She was attracted to men and I was no longer. From my perspective, the timeline she refers to doesn't work. She knew all along about my gender issues from the time we started dating. It invaded our marriage at times. Did I progress in my feelings and perhaps become more distant...possibly. But the marriage ended in infidelity (on her part) and I didn't start transition until after we had been separated for a couple of years. Did it play a role....I'm sure it did. But was it the cause? I don't think so, but possibly. I think she tells people that it was to not admit that she was cheating...We were married for 20 years, lived together for a year before that, and dated 6 months before that. We have 2 kids together and had a nice life while we were together. Although it was horrible going through divorce and arguing over the particulars, today we are back being very good friends and I consider her a supporter of mine. Deep down at the core, there will always be love for each other....even though we are no longer married. Each of us had to move forward and that was no longer on the same path.
Thank you for your story, Christine! I agree with you - although I've heard spouses say they felt betrayed by a gender transition, I find it really difficult to believe there was NO indication of gender fluidity over the entire course of the relationship.
I have to admit, I find it hard to believe you can be friends now after the trauma of divorce, but I think it lends credence to my point she fell in love with the person, not the external presentation. Do you see it the same way? 💜
@@amethystaherrick Yes, I think that is accurate. Our spirits fell in love with each other and that didn't change.
@@christine_penn - honestly, I think that's beautiful. Thank you again for your story. I am honored you shared it. 💜
Yes, I agree with you, and I was definitely someone who went thru a divorce for transitioning. It's totally valid even if it's totally shitty to mistreat your spouse by cheating on them with ex-boyfriends while still married to you. I accept that is a valid reality to some people, but it's heart-crushing. For me, personally, it was a bit worse because she had accepted my gender variance and helped with my real coming out, I was left dizzy by the whole damn thing.
10 years after that I remarried, this time to another trans woman and that was the best decision I made.
BTW, I'm still friends with my ex-wife and stepdaughter, but we don't see each other much anymore. Great video.
Oh...now that is a bad story. I'm so sorry your ex was nasty to you. That was way overboard, although I'm sure you don't need my input to have figured that out! Candidly, I'm not sure I could be friends after that, so I respect the equanimity you show.
And wow! You're married to another transgender woman! I'm glad you did not give up, but found love again. Your story is heartwarming and inspiring for us all. 💜🏳️⚧️💜
Noone should force themselves to comply to a relationship if theyre no longer comfortable in it. Not the trans person, and not the significant other either. Every response to something like this is valid. You cant dictate how people feel about any given thing and its wrong to force someone to feel the way you want them to.
I think nobody should have a certain timeline for this kinda bombshell in life. Not everyone is going to be 100% for it IMMEDIATELY.. but given enough time and grace it can happen for sure. Lots of people have parents who werent supportive at first but then come around, friends as well. Sometimes needing time to get used to things is also valid, and parents and loved ones need to feel like the person they care about is really sure about their decision first. Change needs time to settle in for everyone before horrible things like 'transphobe' gets tossed around
Agreed... I think too many transgender people hide themselves in a relationship. We try to save the world from ourselves, but you're right - we should choose to honor who we are and let the relationship change as it will. 💜💜💜
Thank you for taking the time to answer my questions! I’m so happy to hear that your relationship has survived your change in identity. I have a follow up question now if you don’t mind! I know I’m just full of questions for you 😂 but you’re the only transgender person who has ever actually answered them! Is there a time when it becomes selfish for someone to undergo gender transition and thus a time you would blame them? Imagine the father of a young child decides to transition even though he knows that this will cause his relationship to collapse and end in divorce. The actual transition is what would cause the divorce, taking hormones, dressing and identifying as the opposite gender and getting surgeries. Thus eliminating the variable of him having already changed his behavior, as this only relates to the active physical change of transition. We have lots of data that shows that children raised in a divorced family unit have worse outcomes in life. If this father chooses to transition knowing the outcome for his child, is he acting selfishly and causing his child to suffer in the long term? Should he wait to transition until after his child is grown up even if that causes himself emotional distress? Is it not the job of a parent to put their children’s feelings over their own? Very curious to hear if you would blame the trans person in this situation, please let me know if you have time and want to answer! I personally would blame them and would consider their decision immoral and cruel. Thanks again for being a bastion of rational thinking for trans people!
This is a very complicated question, and I want to address children in a separate live stream. So far, my experience is that my son relates to me FAR better as a woman than as a man. I wouldn't have known that if I hadn't transitioned, however.
About being selfish...yes, I completely agree parents must care for their children. It was my obligation to find what will make my son's life better. I started with meditation and running, then spirituality, later more scholastic endeavors. But none opened up the relationship with my son like gender transition. Was it selfish of me? Could I have known the long-term, far-reaching effects of gender transition on my family?
You and I are only speculating on a child reacting poorly or reacting well. And I don't believe speculation and the possibility of failure should stop people from exploring who they are and finding out what it means. We never know the outcomes of our actions until they have been performed.
It’s totally reasonable to leave someone if they transition and you’re not into that
Hm...I'm making a distinction between relationships that end because of transphobia (how I would interpret "not into that") and relationships that end because the people aren't compatible any longer. Maybe you meant it the same way - I am just a touch sensitive to the wording.
@@amethystaherrick if for example a man marries a woman but the woman decides to turn into a man, it’s probably not going to work anymore. Straight men are attracted to women, not men. I don’t see what’s transphobic about that.
@@Random51960 - thank you for your clarification. You're talking about physical attraction, and I agree. My initial reading of your comment seemed to lean toward transgender people simply being weird and nobody likes that. I get what you're saying, and stand with you - if the person changes enough that you are no longer attracted to them, it is not transphobic to end the relationship.
To augment that, I also believe it's healthy for transgender people to end relationships when somebody chooses not to treat them the way they want to be treated. If your mother can't use your chosen name or pronouns, that's not a relationship based on two people, it's a relationship based on one person. That's worth ending as well.
Thank you again for your comment! I appreciate this conversation! 💜
No-one is to blame because we are all programmed for different tastes and flavours. Your wife used great, simple logic although you are definitely a wonderful car crash lol. I'm lucky because I'm single but I understand the emotional aspect. Rock the logic, sister ❤🤘
Thank you, Sister! When I heard the bit about the car accident, I thought "Wait...does she think I'm disfigured...?" The answer was no, but I did have to ask! 💜💜💜
@@amethystaherrick the subtext of needing surgery and physical differences after the surgery shows your wifes intelligence and humour ❤️🤘
@@Lana-in1sx - oh, she is a peach. 💜💜💜
what about the role of repression? i have felt like i had been playing a part my whole life from childhood to medical transition. i still feel like i am repressing some of my gender expression for the comfort of my parents and relatives. i can’t say how this would have affected a romantic relationship since i have avoided intimacy my whole life to survive. if i had gone into a relationship hiding my gender identity i could understand the hurt this could cause my partner. just no easy answers with this? interesting discussion! ❤
Do you mean could some of the uneasy feelings you felt come from repressed feelings? Like internalized transphobia you haven't yet identified?
If that's what you mean, I admit, I had to deal with that as well - and it *was* internalized transphobia. I know that, because when I realized it, I became friends with the woman I used to watch around town. I hated her...because I envied her.
About saving the rest of the world from our gender, I hear that as well. It's interesting how much we're willing to be unhappy so that others can be happy. And I wonder...just wonder...if the relationships you entered *not* hiding your gender identity have been far richer as a result because the other person gets to see you as you truly are.
What do you think?? 💜💜💜
@@amethystaherrick sorry! by repression, I mean ignoring being trans- stuffing down thoughts about my true gender and playing the role of maleness that others have expected of me. even after coming out, I still find it a daily challenge to be my authentic self. I am sure internalized transphobia motivates this and it will be the project of the rest of my life to recognize it and instead choose not to hide. thanks for the thoughtful and kind response! 💕
Ooh...I see what you're saying here. Even after we come to the realization of who we are, we still may repress what we've already allowed ourselves to believe! That fits my experience mid-2023. I won't claim there is a standard amount of time to "grieve" our old lives. I do believe at some point the joy and brightness of expressing who we are will even overcome the shadow of past fear, guilt, and shame. All I ask is that you keep me up-to-date on it, Sister. 💜
Yeah, people want what they want. You go to sleep as who you are, but go to bed with who you want.
I'm with you on that! I wish all people could be as open and caring and honest as you. 💜💜💜
@@amethystaherrick thanks for that. I don't understand how some people can be so hateful.
Heck most marriages don't survive the first three years. Not exactly bedrock we're comparing against.
In my case, my wife was GGG and our marriage survived until the very end (she passed away).
I'm so glad you and your wife were able to stay together. I think that says something about both of you.
I remember that statistic about marriage from the 1980s, and I'm not sure how it was computed. Divorce statistics are really hard to figure out (see the link below). What I found recently was about 1 in 3 marriages end in divorce. That certainly isn't bedrock, as you put it!
That said, as many as 3 out of 5 marriages end in divorce after transition - is that comparable to divorce statistics? Would they have ended without transition? It's all one big hard question!
www.snopes.com/news/2024/08/01/marriage-divorce-rate/
Thank you for taking the time to answer my questions! I’m so happy to hear that your relationship has survived your change in identity. I have a follow up question now if you don’t mind! I know I’m just full of questions for you 😂 but you’re the only transgender person who has ever actually answered them! Is there a time when it becomes selfish for someone to undergo gender transition and thus a time you would blame them? Imagine the father of a young child decides to transition even though he knows that this will cause his relationship to collapse and end in divorce. The actual transition is what would cause the divorce, taking hormones, dressing and identifying as the opposite gender and getting surgeries. Thus eliminating the variable of him having already changed his behavior, as this only relates to the active physical change of transition. We have lots of data that shows that children raised in a divorced family unit have worse outcomes in life. If this father chooses to transition knowing the outcome for his child, is he acting selfishly and causing his child to suffer in the long term? Should he wait to transition until after his child is grown up even if that causes himself emotional distress? Is it not the job of a parent to put their children’s feelings over their own? Very curious to hear if you would blame the trans person in this situation, please let me know if you have time and want to answer! I personally would blame them and would consider their decision immoral and cruel. Thanks again for being a bastion of rational thinking for trans people!
Somehow this is duplicated on my side, but in case it isn't on yours...here is the response I left on the other version!
This is a very complicated question, and I want to address children in a separate live stream. So far, my experience is that my son relates to me FAR better as a woman than as a man. I wouldn't have known that if I hadn't transitioned, however.
About being selfish...yes, I completely agree parents must care for their children. It was my obligation to find what will make my son's life better. I started with meditation and running, then spirituality, later more scholastic endeavors. But none opened up the relationship with my son like gender transition. Was it selfish of me? Could I have known the long-term, far-reaching effects of gender transition on my family?
You and I are only speculating on a child reacting poorly or reacting well. And I don't believe speculation and the possibility of failure should stop people from exploring who they are and finding out what it means. We never know the outcomes of our actions until they have been performed.