Please support Adamandeve.com and use the code FD50 for 50% off your purchase. TH-cam doesn't want your boy to sell certain things so I'm putting this in the pinned comment cause otherwise the video might get demonetized again.
A criticism I'm going to put down here is whenever they talk about the left in general not giving advice to men just know that that advice comes in after the hour-mark of this video after you already mentioned several times that the people that needed this advice the most have already clicked off of it. I know you're not professing to be that guy, just a bit of perspective I'm seeing.
Hey as an Asian guy I appreciate having at least some recognition. I feel like Asian men are constantly ignored in these conversations and being on the left I find that incredibly frustrating. Really appreciated the interview and the segment. Great video FD
Asian men are the least attractive male race in the US, specifically because they lack "masculinity". This video is such cope and won't reward sexually.
@@carlemthe3rd401 Nobody who goes outside takes incel comments seriously, no matter how many times you repeat yourself. Touch grass or remain miserable, clown.
“The real red pill is becoming aware of how society lies to boys in order to convince them to self-mutilate their humanity in the hopes that this will allow them to be better, stronger men.” This is such a great line
@@thehumanbackpack6374 According to manosphere types, yes. The penchant for making up pithy terms and phrases doesn't seem to be helping the men who fall into this ideology happier; I don't understand the point or appeal of it.
God that story about Andrew Tate's father flying into a rage over his sons simply commenting on their own hair, ending up with his mother calling the police on him...followed up with Tate calling his father a "great man" is straight up harrowing.
@@alastorcorvusnobody’s surprised at the way he turned out, it’s just that you’ve got some useful idiots that don’t think he’s an abuser at all. Tho tbh that is ten times more of a problem smfh
People can have complex relationships with their parents in the face of abuse. He is definitely a prime example of this. I was perplexed about the way my dad talked about his father at times when I was growing up but I also understood it. He was proud of the fact that his dad was a WWII hero but WWII ultimately did him in. He came back from the war a shell of his former self, became a raging alcoholic and was physically abusive toward my grandmother, my dad and his eldest daughter (my dad’s older sister). It was a common story. My dad was also the first to tell you he was a massive POS, often, but WWII hero was the only good thing he had to hang onto. * He also experienced combat PTSD himself and I think that gave him some level of insight into part of what was going on in his dads head though it was no excuse. Tate celebrating his dad for abusive rhetoric and behavior shows there probably wasn’t much else. I don’t have sympathy for him though. He’s messed up at every turn and that is on him. I am frustrated by the fact that so many people believe in trafficking fantasies involving abductions but they can’t recognize more accurate accusations that fall in line with a large number of cases.
Multiple things can be true. What defines a man isn't set in stone. Greatness is subjective and can apply to certain parts of being a man. It does not have to encompass every part of your being. My dad was the same. He was abuse ( so I heard), however the few years I had with him I remember a great man before he went to jail and developed schizophrenia. I remember times where I would trip and fall. He would pinch me until I stopped crying. He told me I wasn't a girl, and that girls cried... That type of discipline even though it was short lived help shape me into the resilient person that I am today. So yeah I can 100% see how Tate can view their father as great even though he has some very noticeable flaws.
Im a male teen who fell into the “traditional masculinity, anti sjw” rabbit hole and it wasn’t till i started watching your videos did it help me realize how stupid and unneeded it all was. They taught self help through insecurity, as in they kind of play into the things a sad teenage boy would want; girls, money, stuff like that, and tell you the only way to get all of that is through masculinity. None of it really helped because it doesn’t make you work for what you want to be, but to work for what you “should” be. Thanks for the video man you really help!
they how are you will achieve this? every goal have some requirements that SHOULD be met. tell me how do you raise 100M just be the way you want to be? tell me how do you will become a champion without a work that should be done? its not about your feelings, its about reality that matters, you should adapt to things, not to go your way that you want that's ineffective
@@wagaboond6443bros literally telling someone to conform to societal standards lmao. Nooooo don’t do what makes you comfortable and happy, be miserable just like me!!!
May I ask a question? Was there ever a moment where down the rabbit hole you looked towards a father figure- like an uncle or dad, and thought, man they aren't masculine at all yet they found a partner.
Ok us successful “conformists” will continue being so and we’ll check back on the correlation between “going your own way” and the rising homeless population in 10 years
One thing to remember about taking dating advice from Sig as opposed to most manosphere types is that he has multiple kids. So unlike most of them there is tangible proof that he has actually had sex.
It's baffling that so many people in that space don't even live the ideals they are spouting. Like where is your wife? Where are your kids? How do people automatically not see it for the scam that it is? Where are the relationships? Where is the happiness and fulfillment? Isn't that supposed to be the goal? But instead everyone ends up even more miserable and depressed.
Fwiw if that thing that you enjoy is having a Bugatti and taking care of that car then 100% do that. Go to car shows, make friends who also love to drive that kind of car, go cruising or join one of those fun and slightly illicit cross country races. When you are doing something that makes you friends with shared interests, even if they aren't women, that will go a long way in making you a confident person who has a personality and that, too, is attractive.
This is 100% true. I'm a lesbian who currently has a crush on Noah from Bad Omens simply because he's so damn talented. So yeah - get a hobby, my dudes lol.
@@jonathanschweiss316 I think the turn of the century kinda messes with your head. I constantly feel like we're closer to 2000 than we are to like 2030 or whatever. I constantly feel like we're in 2003 until my achey bones kindly remind me of the yr haha
I'm a single father and have always told my sons that it takes more strength to cry than to not. It shows you are human and have empathy and compassion. To be vulnerable is a true strength
That's sentiment right there Just echoes that you are a much better father than a lot of the other ones out here. Crying showing emotion is a human thing that we should embrace and accept not disassociate
My son learned that crying is "taking out the trash." I think he read it somewhere. It helped him have a visual and something that made sense to do. You wouldn't let the trash can just overflow and not take it out. Same thing with feelings of all types. Don't let them overflow.
Thank you for teaching them that, it's a really important lesson that takes a lot of people a long time to learn 💜 I hope you and your family are all doin well!!
im somewhat thankful for being born a woman. if i weren't raised to be human and to have empathy for others, who knows where i'd be now. my parents and family as a whole are all pretty traditional. its funny, because growing up a lot of people made fun of me for being 'boyish'. but i don't fit a lot of the manly man criteria. i'm a huge crybaby. it's a part of my mental illness. adhd and anxiety are sort of a package deal. i don't cry very easily, but i *am* easily overwhelmed, so it kind of cancels itself out at a point. luckily my parents weren't as controlling as other family members, so i was at least capable of expirimenting enough to find these things out. i'm just not so sure that's how it'd be if i was born in the body i'd wished i were born in, which is kind of sad.
@@grem4102not all guys are like the types depicted in the video. there’s a weird perception that men are all cold, selfish and super masculine, but i’ve rejected that shit my whole life and it hasn’t harmed my love life at all. i’m super glad i’m not one of those kinds of guys, but i’ve never been one to take social conditioning re: gender seriously at all
damn I really feel that anxiety is just terrible I've managed to properly live with adhd a few times and actually keeping up with responsibilities and everyday routines but nowadays I honestly can't leave my house without fearing for me life to the point that its hard to function makes it hard to act like or look like a "normal" person at the very least I don't have to live or deal with my dad anymore
To me “be yourself” just lacks direction, which is why it is frustrating. I found that transforming that phrase into “show people who you are” greatly improved my attitude. Showing who I am gives them the opportunity to know me quickly that’s doesn’t require me to keep up false behaviour in the future. If they stay, they knew what they were getting into.
For me, someone who is more reserved, "be yourself" is something that is easier for me to embody than "show people who you are", since it feels more pressuring with that phrasing. I rather do my own thing quietly/behind the scene so if people notice my good actions that's good enough for me. But I know everyone's mileage varies. (To anyone reading), just find what works for your self-expression as long as you aren't trying to put others down in the process.
Also the hard pill to swallow is that sometimes Yourself is just not what anyone wants. It’s rough, but it can be the case. And the answer is not to blame women or anyone else. You just have to make peace with being on your own.
In the past, you said criticizing the man-o-sphere isn't enough, and someone needs to actually give some better advice for lonely young men. And then you did it. Amazing.
I suspect reinforcing the "be yourself" advice will not work. People seek content like the PUA because they talk about the details of dating, like how to take good photos for a tinder profile as shown early in the video
Being able to identify, process, verbalize, and express emotions or feelings is something that is learned, and can be developed even in adulthood with both men and women. For me as a 38 year old black man, I was raised in a household where "I love you" wasn't said often, and we rarely talked about our feelings. I now have a 4 year old, and I remember when my son was younger he tripped and fell, and he bumped his head on the floor. He looked up at me, and I could see that he was hurt, but I could also see that he did not wanna cry in front of me. I realized in that moment how what I said or reacted was going to influence the way he was going to, in the foreseeable future, react when he would get hurt. So I told him, "son it's ok to cry if you are hurt. And it's ok to say that you are hurt and feeling sad if that's how you feel". After I told him this he was able to be vulnerable, and then he started to cry. I crawled over to him, and I embraced him. I gave him that space to feel. I never got this when I was a kid. When i got hurt my parents asked if I was ok, and they told me that I had to be strong, and I didn't need to cry. I now feel confident that my son, when he gets older, will be able to feel safe enough to come to me and tell me if something is bothering him. It was important to me to create a safe space for him. I've been in therapy for 3 years now, and I've just started to learn how to identify what I'm feeling, and what goes on physically with my body when I'm having a certain feeling or emotion. And I've learned to better verbalize those emotions with my wife now than when we first got married. It has made me a better person as a man, a better husband to my wife, a better father to my son, and a better friend to my peers. I don't think I am a weaker man for expressing my emotions or feelings. I think I've become more authentic, and I've given myself more grace to make mistakes, and not always try to be the strong one in my relationships. I actually think I've become a stronger man because I am able to express myself without thinking that I'm being weak in that moment. I highly recommend studying Plutchik's Wheel of emotions. He points out eight primary emotions: anger, anticipation, joy, trust, fear, surprise, sadness and disgust. I suggest getting good at identifying these emotions in yourself. It will help provide good information on what's going on with your mental and physical state of being.
Hi, thanks for commenting. I can relate to your childhood experience almost 1:1 and have been seeking therapy. I also have noticed that I struggle with experiencing emotion, but being able to put it to a physical state has helped me immensely. I think that a majority of it comes from generational trauma (my family came from USSR) and I feel like you are definitely doing the right thing for your son.
Something I didn't recognize how wild it was bc I was a literal child was my own sister watching me cry and telling me in an authoritative tone that I'm not supposed to: took me decades to understand that just because I grew up surrounded mostly by women it didn't mean I wasn't vulnerable to all the patriarchal programming, in fact I still ended up w a lot of toxic traits commonly attributed to men, which I had to and am still working on; this shit is so ingrained in our society that even the women in your life will force you into it.
Yup. The patriarchy is upheld by women too. The same can be said for women reinforcing toxic ideals of what women are 'supposed' to be on other women. People of all genders would be better off without these strict ideals and requirements for 'you must be this unemotional to be a man' or 'you must be passive as a woman' for example.
its been my experience that women perpetuate patriarchy more than men do, simply because the average woman has more to gain on an interpersonal/microcosmic level by reinforcing patriarchal values than the average man does
I am sorry for this, I grew up AMAB and somehow discovered that having a good cry is one of the best feelings I could have. I am trans and woman these days. I think a man should also be able to get to the core emotions instead of defaulting to elation or anger .
Deleted an earlier comment because I went on a tangent about periods and, honestly, that is not the topic.\ Edited because I said "literally" about five times. Teaching men not to cry was so fucking evil. Like in the hospital, they literally made you cry to teach you how to breathe. Everyone on this planet that makes it to adulthood has cried. So crying is the most basic human instinct. So crying is literally just as much a sign of weakness as breathing. You should not be crying all the time, but as a woman, crying is what you do after months or even years of struggling. It is the biggest sign of tolerance or strength because, even for the most sensitive of us, a lot has to happen before we cry. As a woman, I have been told that I'm sensitive. I have gone to a funeral and, even though I was sad, I did not feel the need to cry. The literal death of an older relative of mine did not have me crying. And a lot of people do not cry at funerals. So to make someone cry means you have to put them through so much pain for so long or a lot of pain at once. How in any world is that seen as weakness?
I know this video is for boys and men (and I watch partly because I have a son), but there is good advice for girls and women in here too. Performing certain aspects of femininity might get you a lot of sex partners as a woman, but the quality will be lacking. My husband is a man who I have always felt like I could be myself around. I value that so much. Fat, thin, in between, my man loves me for who I am and I can’t tell you how much that has helped me to grow as a human. He has helped me to grow my skepticism and reasoning and I have helped him to grow his empathy and other normal human emotions and we are both better people as a result. I was bigger than my man when we first met in high school and I was bigger than him for most of our relationship together. If we had let that stop us, we would have missed out on so much.
@@MissSeaShell you just said you met him at 19 so your opinion doesnt those men didn't experience love from any women and now when they are rich they are getting women so they will go for the youngest ones that's for sure . Its simple logic .
I like watching videos like this to see what other boys/young men are seeing. Then I can see the good from the bad. You can also tell which content creators these guys are watching by what they say.
I am a 24 y/o ex-chubby baby-faced male. I’ve been unpacking my feelings of rejection from other males. Most of my friends are female. I gave up on masculinity performance but I find myself still feeling as though I’m on the outside with other males even though I have 5 brothers. I last year picked up Crossfit. It changed my mind on what makes a strong or confident human: strongest guys in the gym weren’t even straight or didn’t have six packs. I’m slowly learning to love myself by addressing the ugly feelings I have about myself.
@@dream1430 looking back on my own experiences and my capacity for kindness, being considerate of others when it would be easy to get even and taking the high road, standing up for people who are marginalized. That’s what strength is to me.
I was so happy to see you featured. I am trans guy and your recent videos really helped me to unpack some of my gender related issues, so thanks a lot.
seeing another trans guy included in this conversation made me feel really good and it was interesting to hear about your perspective on the issue, so, thank you for participating 😄
The most disturbing abuse in public I’ve witnessed was hearing a man in another aisle at the grocery store yelling at his 3 or 4 year old son for crying. It broke my heart and was so toxic, witnessing that sweet child get emotionally traumatized. Somehow even worse than seeing a woman haul off on a kid or drag them out kicking and screaming.
Parents do the same togirls. Why does everyone think crying is only stopped when its boys? Parents hate to be embarrassed in the store and they get tired of hearing babies scream.
@@ecclairmayo4153 the child wasn’t screaming. This was worse because the kid was obviously trying not to cry and was being psychologically scarred for having feelings. This happens to boys as a whole with the expectation that they be “tough,” which just robs them the opportunity to learn how to process and express complex emotions.
@@ecclairmayo4153 it's for different reasons. boys are told not to cry because it's been deemed socially emasculating, and girls are told not to cry because they are seen as overly emotional and annoying. no one's feelings are validated, and everyone grows up traumatized in unique ways as a result
Just as the mom of a boy, I was shaking with rage about how many friggin' times I had to correct other adults when they tried to make my son feel less than for acting like a human instead of acting "like a boy".
Even the "bare minimum" is sometimes hard to find, in parenting boys. It's up to parents to do the groundwork to raise healthy young men. It's not easy!
To add on that; the amount of time ADULTS will see a young boy and girl being friends and then INSISTING that they're boyfriend and girlfriend. They do this from ridiculously young ages. How can boys be taught to relate to girls on a human-to-human level if we keep insisting they regard them as 'conquests'? It disgusts me.
Mad respect for bringing in a trans guy to talk about his experiences. I've never seen a fellow trans dude talk about the effects of patriarchal masculinity during transition. It's something that really does effect pretty much every trans guy; the fear of not being masculine enough for the world to see you as you see yourself. In my early transition I was ~16 and never even been in a relationship. A massive factor to my fragile masculinity and loneliness was "I don't have a girlfriend I need a girlfriend, why is everyone in a relationship except me??". It's a perspective that's usually hugely missed among cis people, so thank you so much for including it king! 👑
Legit! It was very affirming to realise my (non-trans) partner is a much greater pansy than I am, lol. If he can thrive in jobs where you need to be tough and able to defend yourself, while wearing nail polish and floral suits... then I do not need to be insecure about knitting on the train. 👍 I recommend Thomas Page McBee's books _Man Alive_ and _Amateur_ , I reckon you might like them.
I hate it when people online call me an incel and make fun of me for not having a girlfriend. The left are the ones that usually does that fyi. I am cis btw.
Lol but that dude did break a lot of what FD was trying to say, cause he showed that what makes a man desirable is height. Body type preferences varies but height is very important for most women
@@RedTyrant yeah no I don't even want to try dating anymore. I see plenty of not-that-angry, sweet short dudes getting rejected all the time in my college. Those same dudes have told me what you are telling me now, to demonstrate how important being ok with being rejected for your shortness is. But tall guys still get chosen over them, so I don't think personality matters all that much if you're short, you'll still get rejected a lot. I don't know if it's different in the older generation, but in my generation women have pretty high requirements for height. Also lol at how you compare men's and women's standards, my dude most men swipe right on most women, while women only swioe right on a very small minority of men. I think the data showed ~60% vs ~5% for men and women respectively.
I'm a 21 year old guy living in a conservative town, and I almost cried by the end of this video. This has got to be one of the most important videos on this platform. I've seen countless of examples of men from my town being so confused by the patriarchy and still idealizing it while oblivious to how much it hurts both them and women, yet whenever I try to talk to them about this I'm always met with ad hominems about my masculinity (and like most men, I've struggled with self-image issues and masculinity too). I can't tell you how many times I've felt suffocated because of how I'm seemingly the only one in my town to feel this way, and it has led me to a lot of self-doubt. However, seeing you make such a thourough detailed video about this issue that has been on my mind for years now is so therapeutic holy shit. Thank you for this.
Being a 27 year old, black male watching this, it’s refreshing to see and hear other like minded brothas. Growing up being a big boy all my life really became arduous when you realize the biggest haters wasn’t women, it was the men who pushed the negative trope. They force fed it to women, who then regurgitated it in validation to these men, that in itself breeds this overarching, self regulated/sustained stereotype. You start to believe and race others to the punch of someone else in hopes you give no one the opportunity to harm you. Looking back as a young man now, my teen years/early 20s was filled with a lot of desperation, seeking what I wanted, as a late bloomer. It brought so much life into perspective for me later, seeing how low I was because I was chasing an image rather than my real self. I said this to say: Take your time, gain empathy, sympathy, become some who you like, and don’t place so much pressure on performing this unreal, immeasurable ideal that leads you nowhere in the end. Women aren’t this untamed beast that needs to be conquered, or this end all be all reward to fuel the male ego. They’re humans, functioning ppl who don’t hold so much interest power struggles, but rather wanting to be treated human.
*new message from Unc at 8am*: "send me a thirst trap selfie" *me 5 min later*: 2 attachments *My partner walks in the room**: "who you taking pics for with ya shirt off" *me*: "well its for Unc but that doesn't make it sound any better" 😂
As an Indian, from Kerala, South India, I was fortunate enough to have very open minded parents. My father, despite seemingly being the mustacheoed strong quiet type, never ever told us to act more manly, or be less feminine. I watched alot of malayalam films, in which not being super jacked was completely okay, and my experiences with North American ideas of masculinity were predominantly from western films. I thought much of it was hammed up for the storyline. But it wasn't until I lived in Canada with my wife and got to know my male in laws, that I realized the kind of damage some western ideals of masculinity have inflicted. The fact that men showing emotion is considered "woke" by some, is just backwards and ridiculous
@@JordanBarclay that's too bad dude, I was raised in Kochi in a not so religious family (we were Catholic on paper). That probably had something to do with it
I know someone from Kerala and while his family have traditional gender roles, he was always the first to jump up to throw the trash, wash the dishes or even cut fruits for his kids. It was just normal to him! There’s ofc expectations for masculinity/femininity but it goes to show how a lot of this is cultural
@@painunending4610 Really not true at all! I think if you believe that that then you are just going to miss all the people who want that and actually find you attractive. There a lot of women who just don’t care about looks that much. Y’all just don’t want them or you are too busy being upset that you don’t look one Adonis to notice that someone actually does like you.
The Women who are more accepting are already taken 😂. If people were honest they would admit that majority of women are just virtue signaling snd date the best looking man they can get.
As a gay guy I always found it funny how straight guys who have no success with women are told to "go gay". The gay male scene is horrifically brutal and most men would get there self esteem shattered compare to what they believe womens standards are. Also if you do fit that hyper fit gym bro persona, you are nothing more than a mound of flesh. Its literally the next phase of the manosphere, where basically the majority of men canabalize each other, especially when they are no women to blame.
This isn't true at all, I've had multiple offers from gay/bi men to have sex in real life but none from women. Yes, ussually alcohol/cocaine involved but regardless my point stands. An average man can also receive matches on gay dating apps but receive none on straight apps. Not saying it's easy being gay or finding partners (especially if you live in rural areas etc) but you are just objectively wrong with this comment. My brother is gay and we have discussed this at length, he may as well live in a different universe from me as an "average" low income straight man
@@jamesreid5809I guess it’s where the emphasis lies, is it about having quick sex or having a relationship? “Going gay” is great if quick and easy sex is all that’s wanted. If something deeper is required then the novelty will wear off pretty quickly.
@@jamesreid5809those men hitting you up aren’t treating you like a person. They’re treating you like a sex toy. They wouldn’t dream of actually dating you if you don’t look like a Marvel superhero
@@SincerelyFromStephenyeah, basically what most straight women go through. It took gay men hitting on me for me to realize that the "advice" young men take regarding "hitting on women" is super toxic
As a trans man, most of your videos genuinely help me analyse my own perception of masculinity. The fact that a big part of your perspective so incredibly relatable for me personally, helps me understand my own identity and at least feel like I fit into society as a man
Your point about loneliness is truth. I wasted too much time (and women's time) trying relationships hoping the woman would "fix" me when I really needed to work on my own shit first.
The Manosphere literally says the same thing. The redpill concept isn’t just about relationships with women, it’s about relationships with humanity itself. The reason the manosphere talks about relationships with women the most because many men are stuck being very emotional and dependent and simping over women.
@@painunending4610I'm sorry you're going through this. For some of us it takes longer than others. I thought I was self-aware in my thirties and it turned out I was wrong. Perhaps you have more to learn more growth is coming or maybe you simply have not met your person yet.
As a gay man I found this video really refreshing. I am attracted to so many different types of men, but it ultimately comes down to vibes. It's damn hard, if not impossible to learn how to have good vibes, but if I had any advice to men out there, don't have sex or a relationship be the end all be all goal. Meet and talk to people to meet and talk to people. Forge connections. Maybe someone who isn't feeling you that way has a friend who would be.
Vibes isn't a concrete thing, it's too abstract. Have you ever tried figuring out what are the hidden variables behind what determines whether you're interested in someone or not? I'm not saying we could generalize it to other people but that we could make an "attractiveness map" corresponding to your criterias specifically. But of course that all depends on wether you're interested about learning more about yourself or not.
Is a shame but good vibes often come with self confidence, and self confidence comes with a lot of effort on mental health. For a lot of shy guys that good vibes will come in their 30s. Faking good vibes is something you can achieve in 1 year, but it will crush your self-esteem because you will be pretending to be another person because you think you are not enough, and if you have success at it it will be worst.
Orlo Folsom, it sounds like you're encouraging a pretense of friendship with someone you meet on the off chance they can give you access to one of their hot friends. That's not a connection. Not only are you being blatant about using people [as conduits] but in doing so you’ve also betrayed your earlier position to not let sex/relationship be the end goal. Clearly it is. Our investment in meeting people in our personal lives should be about whether we can build authentic relationships (be it platonic or romantic) with them and not what we can get out of them later on. Even if you choose to prioritize sex, authenticity makes it so that you are not treating someone as a body to have sex "at" by way of "learned vibes" insofar as they are not actually getting to know who you are.
@@NoHrmanHauht your opinion was already invalid so you thinking my opinion is invalid is in itself invalid. In fact your existence is invalid. You should do something about that.
Had a really long talk with my partner about our experiences and masculinity (we are both trans masculine people) And we joked that we had a dad-talk with you , even though you are cis, and that helped us a lot. Then I opened comment section and found out there are so many other trans men here and it’s so funny Thank you for accidentally being our dad we needed when we were growing up
Trans masc person here to and FD has been such a positive role model in the short amount of time I’ve known his channel… he’s the honorary positive cis male role model all of us deserve in our life. His humanity and down to earth vibe, the no nonsense discussions, AND the awesome dad humor… that’s “worlds #1 dad” mug material if I’ve ever seen it
Your hobby advice is so right!!! I started crocheting, just doing a project here and there, and you would be surprised by how many people are into it, how many friends you can make, and get some partners if that's something you want! It gave me a new confidence, no joke, and I'm so happy you brought it up. Hobbies need to be prioritized and unmonetized!
I cannot agree more. I have several hobbies and a big part of why I enjoy them is that I will never monetize them. It's fine if others hustle, but I'm not hustling. I'm enjoying my life.
Yeah I’m sure crocheting will get you tons of females 🤣 yes hobbies are attractive… the question is what hobbies actually attract women. Working out does, because women like more muscles and less fat… fit men. If you want someone to talk about crocheting with, find a friend. If you want to attract women, make yourself attractive. Learn female psychology and what they respond to. Get in shape. Make some money. Get a degree etc. unlike what leftist push, there are tangible steps you can take to make yourself more attractive to the opposite sex
@@sadscientist9995 I’m more attracted to someone who crochets and is into other creative hobbies than someone who spends a lot of time in the gym and only cares about making money. Stop generalising and hang out with different kinds of people
I am a conventionally-attractive cis woman. Got a lot of attention on dating apps in my early 20s from conventionally-attractive men. Now married to my husband, who is fat and an inch shorter than me. I’m attracted to him for a variety of reasons, including our shared niche interests and his personality, but I’m also just straight up attracted to his body and appearance. Honesty, the hardest part of being with someone who’s not conventionally attractive is some of the psychic wounds it’s inflicted on him because of the bad stuff described in this video. I wish this video had been around for him when he was younger. Media in the early 2000s was so cruel. Sending much love to any of the young fat, short men out there, especially bipoc boys. What you’re going thru is brutal. I hope you make it out okay. Thank you for putting this into the world. 💛
thank you for saying this. I'm 28 now but the insecure 16 year old in me teared up a bit reading your comment. I became a lot more "conventionally" attractive in my early 20s after but what you said about the psychic wounds is so real. I find my biggest hindrance when it comes dating now is still my insecurity. it's like I can't believe that someone I'm attracted to could actually find me attractive even after being explicitly told that it's the case. But I'm truly learning to love myself for myself and it's become easier to let myself be loved too. Thank you again for the validation, and for providing an opportunity for self reflection
oh boy. looks like its time for yet another nuanced deep dive on an issue I have been struggling with my whole life that will make me painfully re-evaluate my own position for the next couple weeks. very much dreading/looking forward to it.
This was an incredible video! As an asexual woman, it really shed light on many topics that I hadn't given that much thought to before! It made me think of a conversation I had with a coworker of mine: So I work with this guy. He's gay, married to another gay man and he's also a gym bro, they both are. Now he is a full Disney adult in a very specific way, which is that not only has he watched every marvel movie like it's his religion, not only does he want to fuck them all (and won't stop talking about it) but he also uses these characters/actors as inspiration for his personal masculinity. He is always at the gym, has a diet that is probably about 50% protein shakes and is physically very strong and imposing. And he has told me! That his goal is to look like Captain America, because he is really attracted to him and wants to emulate that. He has even convinced his husband to start working out intensely as well to attain this (unattainable) body type. One time, he had been sick and told me that, after he had taken a warm bath to feel better, his husband had gotten lowkey mad at him because that was "too gay". I immediately thought that was super controlling and weird, but he agreed! He said that normaly he would have never done it cause it was embarassing but that he was sick as a dog and really needed it. And I was like bro that is CRAZY like FULLY INSANE!!!!!! What is this masc4masc bullshit you guys have got going on??! Like love yourself at some point!! You ARE gay! You're BOTH gay! You're married to a man!! And a BATH is too gay??? I found it really telling that making sexual comments about men truly all the time (like to the point where it is innapropiate for work) is fine, because it "fits" with the sexually pro-active personality that we assign to men, but taking care of yourself was seen as embarassing... (Also a WHOLE lot of internalised homophobia going on there but they are weird guys so it's their bullshit whatever) Anyway thanks for this video! Really interesting!!
Patriarchy is so persistent that even fully open gay men still don't want to be "too gay". That shit's crazy. Was talking to a gay dude at work about Florida banning trans talk from their schools, and along the way he drops a line like "I don't want my sexuality all over the media." It's like masculinity still has some masc gays in a second bigger closet or somethin.
@@earlsaverson5387 yeah fully! This same dude went on the "nowadays everybody has a different label I identify as an attack helicopter" spiel and I was like dude that is your people!! Why are you trying to distance yourself and your family and community? But I had never thought about the "groomed to be lonely" aspect that FD brought up... I feel he has hit the nail on the head
@@Shaytan.666 I mean I'm in it so it's more like... I am disappointed but in this case I feel it comes less from problems within the community and more problems with the way we raise men. Like for sure the gay male community especially has a complicated relationship with masculinity but it's more cause of patriarchy and less cause of an intrinsic property of gayness
Being a Disney adult is the most like derogatory gay thing one can be and a bath was pushing the limits??? It's so lonely being gay fr fr, half these dudes are six degrees of separation from reality to the point that even talking to them feels like regressing.
I think the "muscular, healthy, disciplined" image is also a form of self-soothing. If men all believe and truly think that the ONLY reason women don't like them is because they don't go to the gym, it makes it unncessary for them to reflect on what is wrong with their personalities. Instead of thinking "I am just a bad partner, and an inconsiderate lover, and that's why I don't get dates", they can think "oh these femoids just want a ripped gym bro, that's why they ignore me" I think the only universally attractive thing is authenticity, and no woman is ever going to appreciate someone lying about who they are to get in their pants.
That's true but it is hard so hard at the same time. Asking to someone to be fully authentic which means being deeply vulnerable. Yeah some People could love you for that but how many will reject you because of how you truly are ?
Why do automatically assume their personalities are bad and need fixing? That doesn't help anyone, let alone the viewers this video is directed to No woman's ever been attracted to me, and it's not because I have a bad personality. I have friends with strong bonds and my co-workers like me. I get on well with people. I do self-reflect and try to improve myself where I have faults I've been my authentic self for 24 years. Nothing... Honest truth is there are plenty of people who are kind, considerate and empathetic who have never had romantic success and there are plenty of men who are callous, narcissistic and abusive who are romantically successful
Sorry, but that's just not true, you can't figure out if a man is a bad partner or an inconsiderate lover if you don't even date them, such things are discovered when you engage with the person on an intimate level... Like, imagine seeing a guy that's not ripped and has insecurities, being awkward when talking to women, and your main takeaway is "yeah, he's a bad partner and an inconsiderate lover", like, how do you arrive to that conclusion if you've never seen them as a partner or a love? Those people don't get dates because they are not traditionally attractive and they lack confidence, they are rejected based on superficial reasons.
When I was dating about 14 years ago, I had this kind of internal conversation going. It finally dawned on me that I was in an "All or nothing" kind of scenario when I was dating. I needed to step back and reassess what I was doing and I came up with the conclusion that "whenever I went out I was going to have fun". I was going to go out, find things that were fun for me and have fun. Without even knowing it, I was being myself and the funny thing after that was suddenly my social calendar was full because fun people attract other people that like to have fun. It only took me till my early '40s to figure that out.
oh that's so awesome, re: you figuring it out in your early 40s. am only in my mid-20s but as much as i try to reassure myself and my friends it's ok to figure things out at our own pace, the looming anxiety of being on a deadline is more easily soothed by real life example, y'know? thank you for sharing your experience, sir. o7
@@D3xterJettster You know what? You're right. For me I dove into my creative side. I sang, went to comedy shows. Talked to people just for the sake of passing time. I came home happy and satisfied with my nights out.
i appreciate people like you because i was insecure and ate all of the Tate media , i needed time to reflect and understand how it affected people around me . being selfish is mistaken as being a leader , its all about ego and never about community and acceptance
As a 5'8 man I really appreciate the transman talking about his acceptance of height. I've run into the same shit. A woman once told me if I were 2 inches taller, I'd be an 8/10. I fell into this trap of because I was on the shorter side, and women wouldn't like me (many won't) I even nearly fell down the rabbit hole of being an incel/nice guy and would neg women. It either didn't work or if it did the kind of women I'd attract weren't OK themselves and I was perpetuating an abusive cycle. Was I stopped caring about my height focused on finding common interests and most importantly treating women like people and not objects. That went a long way. Women are people and young men get conditioned to see women as a prize or symbol of value. Yet at 17 and 5'6 at the time I managed to date a woman who was 6 foot tall and looked like a model. Confidence, general interest and being interesting went further than my physical self ever did. Edit: also for people think money is what makes a man valuable that's a condition of capitalism. I highly recommend the book "why women had better sex under socialism".
@John Milton low effort troll dude. You know nothing about me and my "funds". Even if I were broke how is that an indictment on me and not the society that refuses to offer a basic standard of living to everyone?
Really? At 5'8? Aren't most women like 5'4 (in the US)? As a woman I am typically the tallest in the group and I am also 5'8. I kinda assumed the problems start at like 5'6.
The one year I did sports in high-school, everything changed. Had women just throwing themselves at me for one semester. I kinda didn't love it, it was an odd feeling having people who don't know you, fawning over you when they know nothing about you. So in College I joined the campus events team and I got the same attention just from being the guy that posts the fliers and takes your ticket. It all just made me realize how people can really latch onto someone as long as they get a sense that they know you somehow. So just being visible about your interests seems to go a long way...really just give people an excuse to be able to talk to you. People are weird, sometimes in a good way, they really enjoy connecting with someone new.
As a nonbinary person, I super appreciate your ability to point out patterns of behavior without ignoring the complexities of gender and the queer community 👍👍
When I went to a gym with personal trainers, the trainers who were women invariably gave me better, more positive experiences working out. The men seemed either unable or unwilling to believe 1) that I was there primarily for my health, to lose weight to improve my sleep and my asthma, 2) that to the extent that I wanted to change my appearance, I wanted to change it for my own sake, and not for the sake of some hypothetical other’s gaze, 3) that I wanted to get slender without looking “swole,” and I actively wanted to AVOID looking “swole,” 4) that my picture of masculinity was … me, already, that I didn’t want to put on some weird “man” mask that wasn’t already me, that I was happy with myself aside from needing to drop 30 to 40 pounds and firm up a little flab. The trainers who were women understood ALL four points IMMEDIATELY. The trainers who were men kept referencing bodybuilder physiques, and emphasizing “hardness” and “toughness,” and apparently couldn’t help but impose their peculiar values over mine. It’s bonkers, the silly crap men are are societally conditioned to put other men through.
Sounds like you had a bad experience, but that seems to be just yours. The personal trainers at my gym, both male and female, focus on your goals.... the female is a powerlifting competitor, and the male is a cyclist.
As a young brown man in his mid 20s shedding his hetronormative skin do be my authentic self, there is nothing but absolute love I have for everyone in this video and other videos within the black, left adjacent spaces.
I am a 15yo boy and stuff like this is really important never in my life have I had a girlfriend almost everyone I know has. I have been rejected seven times, but I still find find happiness within myself at the end of the day! Thank you for making videos like these F.D.
I know it's cliché but you have lots of time. There will be more new people and big changes and tbh there will be more rejection. I've been rejected a lot. It sounds like you're already on the right track, though, and that self-determined happiness is a lot more stable than the average high school relationship.
@@yasiercurtis5342 Idk why you’re telling a 15yr old that girls don’t want broke people as if teenagers are adults with careers @Pinnygames it’s dope to see someone your age watching this content! I had similar challenges at your age. I’m 23 now and I’ve found comfort & success in all my interactions by taking ownership of all my identities. No one can tell me how much of a man I am/am not. No one/nothing can validate my sexuality. Only I can. When I stopped feeling like I had to prove myself or have something to show, I developed a confidence that’s connected me to a lot of great people in my life. And I started this at 17! Best of luck to you on your journey
You’re 15, i know it may not feel like it but you’re still young! And don’t worry, im not gonna invalidate you. At this stage of life, companionship does feel very important and i would suggest focusing on forging strong friendships! Those are so fulfilling, and they aren’t any lesser than a romantic relationship. Keep working on yourself and doing what you love. You’ll be happier and love yourself more for it at the end of the day, and i know it’ll sound cliche but doing so really does help you find a partner easier (but that shouldn’t be your main reason for doing this!). Best of luck man, glad you find happiness within yourself everyday, seriously wish I was like that as a teen.
Realizing the image of an "attractive man" you take for granted and see all over the place is what men think women are attracted to and not what women are actually attracted to is so important and such an eye opener.
I still see plenty of women who are attracted to that image though? Also women are not a monolith. They don't all think and act the same way. I'm an incel and even I know this ffs 🙄
The fact that incels are going to tell you, "well, I know women that do this" is what makes this even funnier. Women will eventually have a conflict with incel men even after years of being into a relationship. Most women just want a healthy relationship. Sometimes they don't know how to get one because they were born into a society that's still getting rid of toxic thoughts.
It's strange how much those memories of being told "boys don't cry" still hurt. Me and my best friend used to be routinely bullied throughout primary school (first 7 years after nursery/kindergarten) by the other boys in our class and I remember how whenever I cried, I kept being told by multiple different teachers (and the other boys obvs) that "boys don't cry" and whenever the bullying was brought up, they gave the hand wavey statement of "boys will be boys" and never tried to stop them, only gave us all punishments afterwards. One of the memories I still have is of being pushed down to the ground with my friend and being sat on by 2 of the heavier guys (from like a standing position, not like gently sitting down like a chair) and of the air being pushed out my lungs when they landed on me, and all that happened was that SOME of the boys (which included me and my friend) got told off and had 5 minutes taken away from the free time we had on a Friday, because after all "boys will be boys".
I'm so glad that didn't break your back or ribs, holy crap. I wish I could give your younger self a hug and chew those other boys out. No one deserves to be treated like that. As someone who is currently processing my childhood trauma, it makes all the sense in the world that people invalidating your self worth and shutting you down when you need them by telling you not to cry as a child still hurts.
@@devradenny8354 yea it fuckin sucked, but not all the teachers were like that just the ones who looked after the play ground and knew first aid. There were plenty of cool teachers too (though not many of em) like the teacher who set up the chess club for me and my friend (we weren't into chess, or at least I wasn't, but it kept us out of the play ground and away from the bullies) and he also was the first teacher who succeeded in teaching me maths by teaching it through gambling games (didn't know I had ADHD at the time so I REALLY struggled with school but he got me out of the bottom maths class and into the middle one) so It wasn't all bad and there were some who genuinely cared for the kids but just not the ones on the play ground
@@tengutheterrible8491 I'm just lucky I'm relatively sturdy and that they were young enough not to weigh too much, though I guess since I was also smaller that doesn't change too much. But thanks it means a lot to hear, I know my younger self would have appreciated that. (Also you have a really cool profile pic, massively jealous)
I'm so glad that you finally made this. Going back through a lot of your earlier content, it was clear that this was a topic you were building towards. The realization of that ambition is excellent. Hoping against hope that I can convince my brothers to watch.
My daughter sent me the link. I just sent her a long text telling her to stop suggesting videos to “trigger” me. LOL. The only parts of this video worth watching are the first five minutes and the last 15. 95% of what’s in the middle is woke nonsense that is pretty counter to the bookends I just mentioned. The “patriarchy” has nothing with a man needing to improve himself.
As a woman, this video was so informative and eye opening. Not because it taught me something new, but it lays out masculinity from so many objective positions and it starts conversations. I’m very guilty of justifying man hating and using my trauma as proof when in reality we are all super complex people who are fucked up in different ways. Thank you for that, I feel a little more healed ❤
I am glad to see FD having these conversations. I am not a man so I can't understand these issues from that perspective, but these videos are helping me to rebuild empathy after many years of frustration poisoning.
same. the opportunity to expand my perspective is a really valuable one, especially since i don’t personally interact with many men, especially cishet ones.
Same! I wondered why, as an afab enby, I feel so fascinated and excited listening to men talking about issues with masculinity in this deep and empathetic way, but now I clearly understand it's because of how it helps me get back my own ability to empathize with these issues that I've kinda lost after years of struggling with a lot of young boys and then adult men in my life. Hearing it being explained and taken down without... weird implications? like this is such a healing experience, and I appreciate it so, so much.
I think the biggest takeaway I got from this video (though not to underscore all the other things said that were also extremely helpful and made me feel better) was said near the end. If you are feeling lonely, a relationship is not going to fill whatever is ailing you. I have struggled a lot with self-love as a big guy that has gone through traumatic experiences with bullying. I definitely need to find some way to love myself first before trying to find someone to dump that emotional burden on. This video came at a perfect time for me, so if you're reading this, thank you FD.
The entire "'winter is coming' and THEN all you [slursforwomen] will NEED us [and thus submit to our psychosexual desires permanently and without complaint]" is just such an insane viewpoint to me for so many reasons. Perhaps the most sad/odious is that, stripped of patriarchal bias, this statement is explicitly an admission that not only do they not seem to be able to get a partner unless that partner is destitute and completely dependent upon them, but they hold such a power difference to be the ideal. And they wonder why women find "traditional masculinity" detestable!
It's such a sad ideology, as it suggests that literally the only reason a woman would want a man as a partner is because of some sort of transactional necessity. Men are valuable for more than their muscles or their dick, folks! They're people!
As a trans man myself, I am incredibly grateful you included us in the conversation. Not just referencing us but actually seeking out and including a trans man in the video. We are often left out of discussions around masculinity (especially in the Manosphere for obvious reasons) when we often feel the sting to prove ourselves as men even more acutely than cis men due to so much of society insisting our manhood is some kind of evil delusion, so thank you.
^^ it took me, and a lot of my other trans guy friends a long time to realize that we still had to take care of our appearance and hygiene after transitioning. I know a lot of guys who barely showered or shaved (if they even did shave), and stopped taking care of their skin. There seems to be this weirdly normalized phase in transition for trans men where you just stop taking care of yourself to be more “masculine”. T totally changed my hair texture (my hair went from moderately wavy to very curly) and it took me a long time to realize I needed to learn how to care for curly hair. I resisted doing it because I was scared of being seen as “feminine”, but irl all it did was make my hair look really unkempt.
As a cis man, I've been seeking videos on gender, trans people and transphobia (usually made by trans people), because those are topics that I dismissed as unimportant - which is obviously not true - for far too long, and the trans perspective on gender, especially when they talk about their interactions with gender norms pre and post transition, to be extremely fascinating and thought-provoking, just by the premise that they've "performed" both genders.
Love your part about gay men. So, my first boyfriend had this bad. I knew he was fatphobic, but it wasn't until we went on a week long vacation and he immediately started freaking out at how "fat" he had gotten, and that it was so noticeable. We were living in Asia at the time, he had not gained any weight whatsoever. He eventually started to put that shame on me and I was unfortunately too young to stand up for myself. We broke up because, surprise surprise, he had really bad intimacy issues which lead to an ugly bad break up that hurt my body image for a long time. He went on to deal with his emotions by going to the gym constantly, hoping to get that dream body and be one of the men he thought got laid constantly. 10 years later he still has intimacy issues, still has the same skinny body, and I've moved on and am finally happy with my own physique after a lot of self-work. I'm attracted to all sorts of body types but, ironically, find bigger men more attractive. I know many gay men who want to find a man so they don't have to keep up the body, as if suddenly they won't fear judgement on that day. EDIT just to say: You are such a masterful educator, and present such a good intersectional, feminist critique on men's issues that the world sorely needs.
Dude, the bear scene is dope. I’ve always liked bigger dudes, even when I was a twink (I’m a cub now, please excuse all the stupid labels, but you know what I mean) and it’s so much better than the “WeHo aesthetic” nonsense of abs and all that. Much better people, not as much bullshit drama (although there is always some no matter where you go) and bears give the best hugs. Period. Lol 😂
@@kaboomzzz Fuckin' right? I'm the same, twink to cub and I've always liked bigger dudes. I pretty much primarily move in bear spaces now. Sucks that it's becoming a bit more "cool" to be a bear now, at least in New England, and so things like bear week have more and more White Party types who grow a bit of body hair and thing that makes them a bear.
Confidence as a trait of a desirable man is not "I can do anything, I'm so cool"-confidence, but "I'm comfortable enough with who I am that I don't feel attacked or a need to constantly conform myself to other people's standards"-confidence. It's confidence as a sign of emotional maturity. And it's emotional maturity that is attractive. I was initially attracted to my partner because he asked me questions and listened. Not to correct me, or debate or argue with me, or as a springboard to talk about himself. He was genuinely interested in what I had to say. I was in my mid twenties at the time and had never been listened to, really listened to before. There's something inherently attractive in being seen as a person, not a means to an end. When people want something from you; you know. And it's immensely off-putting.
I agree with and understand what you're saying but I think it's worth being mindful of how much of an uphill battle socializing and particularly pursuing relationships can be for men. Rejection and rarely getting comparable experiences of being approached or having interest shown towards you that you put out towards women, makes how men gamifiy pursuing relationships makes sense. Not making excuses for bad behavior. I'm 27 now and I can't think of a time when a woman expressed romantic interest in me in a way that made me feel felt appreciated/respected, let alone a way that made me think this person sees my humanity.
I am confident No woman's ever been attracted to me People will disagree with this comment and try to refute it without knowing my experience, but I'm CONFIDENT about it and that's attractive right?
@@painunending4610 confidence isn't attractive to women. Game is or what I call charisma. Learn some lines and flirting techniques. Just being sure of yourself isn't good enough
Before we started dating, my wife described me as "charmingly obsessive" when I would talk about my passions and hobbies. At first I had to get a friend to help me figure out exactly what she meant by that, as didn't want to be creepy obsessive. What I ended up realizing was that being able to go into elaborate details about dinosaurs on a date (this happened on the first date) was actually a great at showing my curiosity and drive to learn, and it was these very aspects of myself learned through my hobbies that let me become a dedicated partner. Over the years I've had to learn A LOT, change, and grow and I'm fortunate my wife saw that ability within be even when at times I didn't recognize it within myself.
I have ADHD and fixating on various hobbies is my bread and butter. It makes me a really interesting person because I've tried a lot of things. I described myself as a serial hobby switcher on my dating profile and I definitely have a tendency to infodump when I'm excited about something. While my also ADHD boyfriend doesn't share that trait it's something he loves about me and I've learned to think of it as something that makes me interesting rather than annoying.
@@mainao3443 did you even watch the video? My ex is 5'7 and we were together 7 years. He got a new girlfriend less than a year after we broke up. It's definitely harder if you're short but I promise if you can't get a date it's not your height that's turning off women.
Healing video. I’m 30 and this is stuff I’ve never had articulated this clearly and empathetically. I’m bisexual in a long term straight presenting relationship, and I’ve struggled with masculinity and my relation to it all my life.
I've had a number of chats with male friends in my life about this topic and the number one thing I always have reiterated to all of them is that they need to talk to and treat women like they are actual people. They all had the same "men are from Mars women are from Venus" attitude towards women and they kept wondering why it was so hard for them when trying to date. The moment they started interacting with girls like they were boys, i.e. as equals, drastic improvements in their dating experiences and general ability to interact. A lot of men have deeply dehumanizing attitudes towards women and it holds them back massively more than anything else. Getting them to break through that barrier I've often found is the first real step for them not just to be happier with women, but to ditch their patriarchal upbringing.
10000% but they won't LISTEN. How long have we been saying this, and how long yet do we need to repeat this? They have massive amount of books/videos/friends/coaches telling them otherwise: and they believe THEM instead of us. It's insane. No logic! WHY follow men's advices when OBVIOUSLY if they were working, a lot less men would be having trouble? They're ruining it for themselves but also making women hate them all: but of course then it's still our fault. Young boys (and more men) are getting radicalised by the likes of Tate, Peterson etc. There are so many out there! They have huge fanbases and it spreads like a virus.
@Cougnaud Services I don't know if you're joking or.... How do you treat guy friends? Like human beings?? I love video games, been playing since I was a little girl (and I'm F good at them). I don,t scare easily at all, despite popular belief that all women do. Love comic books. I love to draw too. Love to write parodies about games I like. I fart, burp and laugh about myself like any balanced human being is capable of doing. I love gore. I love to make people laugh and I am good at jokes. I love science. Love dinosaurs. Love all sorts of movies that ''only men like'' etc. Put down those stereotypes. Sure some women exist that ARE the opposite and are just made of stereotypes: but a lot of guys are also this. It ruins it for everyone. But women differ from each other, just like men can. There are so many things that men and women can have in common: but toxic people make it seem like the tiny gap is instead a very huge one: as if we come from different galaxies..... To give you an idea, when I was a kid I wanted to become a professional sniper....No man on this earth would ever think that of a little girl, and yet..... Or an archaeologist. And due to playing Resident Evil from so young, I wanted to become a virologist too! All those things that girls/women want: BECAUSE WE'RE HUMANS TOO.
This is 100% the answer. So much of the toxic masculinity pipeline is built upon the belief that women are objects to be pursued, not humans. When I went through that, as a young man, compared to how I am now, it's sickening how I used to think about women.
@ThePi314Man I (growing up as a girl) went to an all-girls school and was quite introverted so I barely talked to anyone at my school let alone men much at all (outside of family/teachers) until I went to uni. When I did go, I remember being around so many men (and women) and at first having that culture shock, then realising I should just treat them like I did women. Which was like people who happen to have gender rather than gender first. I'm glad that clicked for me so quickly, that being immersed in that environment really helped. It's much easier to have conversations where you actually get to know someone if you treat them like a person first. So I related weirdly much to this for having been in such a different situation. It's much more challenging if your background/the people around you don't treat people as people first regardless of gender, because they reinforce that behaviour in everyone around them. So there's some uphill battle there if you're surrounded by toxic people. But your mind is your own, no-one else can see into it and no-one else has any right to it.
Im dying because multiple times my guy-friends have asked me why a girl didn't like something they did, and I'm like "well you're a person. Would YOU like it if someone came up behind you and touched your back in a weird way? Or made a weird comment about your appearance? Or tried to explain to you your own taste in music?" and they're just flabbergasted. "but it's different, I'm a dude." and its like nah bro, you're a human and she's a human. Try something crazy and give anthropomorphizing women a shot.
I can very much relate to Foreign Man saying he felt like a chubby kid, in a fit body. Even when you get the desired attention, you don't know how to receive it because mentally you tell yourself you still are not good enough. But, for sure nobody made me feel more insecure about my body than other men. Amazing video, I hope it does well.
As a former semi obese person I still have trouble receiving compliments from men and women even when they are COMPLIMENTS. I was abused by my dad and was bullied in mid/high school by other insecure teenagers early on. As I lost weight I felt confident but had a hard time adjusting to the attention of women and accepting my new "look" due to being that tubby guy deep down inside.
I really needed to hear that teaching boys not to cry is abuse. I've known it was a bad or shitty thing to do to a kid, but hearing how plainly you expressed it with language that communicated real harm - it moved something within me. I'm still dealing with the consequences of parents who were so worried how their "effeminate" child was going to be perceived that it prevented them from responding to my needs as well as damaging my ability to express myself or ask for help in healthy ways. Because I was taught "not to be so sensitive" it's been almost impossible for me to validate my own issues because that voice in the back of my head is telling me maybe I'm just too dramatic or weak. It's so important that we have people like you using their platforms to verbalize this because it really can change lives for the better. Thank you so much for your kindness and all of the thoughtful work you put into your content.
I'm an indigenous woman with Black/Indigenous children. Navigating this world, especially with young sons whose friends (mostly white) eating up the red pill Manosphere is terrifying. It's terrifying raising a daughter in this world. Beyond grateful to find your content!!
Yeah make sure your daughter learns to understand that men are simple we just want peace and to do fun things or to be left alone or understood and the only way to know is by having conversations with men and taking que...the guys that you have to ask those are usually the psychopaths or your daughter slow😂 thats how simple we are..the guys who make understanding them difficult have nothing to do with them they the devil...
@@BarronBarcaconsidering almost every woman I know was sexually assaulted before the age of 18, yes it is terrifying raising a daughter knowing that no matter how hard I try to protect her, I can't save her from everything. I can't watch her 24/7 or make her decisions for her. I just have to do my best and hope that any mistakes I make do not result in disasterous consequences for her. I have to think twice who I trust, who I allow in my life, and what I allow her to participate in, knowing that all of that preparation means nothing in the face of a predator who believes they are entitled to her body.
This video has done more for my abysmal self esteem and mental health than practically anything else, at least concerning self image. I'm not about to go all Peterson apostle and say you saved my life, but this has absolutely made me feel better living it. From a mixed kid who's been too pale for anyone to realise I'm Viet, thank you FD.
@@sleeptalkenthusiast I've watched it, it's all cope info, personality doesn't get you in relationships it's looks, looks and height is what gets your foot in the door
@@mainao3443 I agree with you to a certain degree the stats prove your point aswell, It might also depend on your country. I'm like 6'2, In decent shape, not ugly yet I have never been approached or capable of landing into a relationship. Probably cause I am a Nigerian in Europe (Born in Europe btw)
@PCommo then all that's left to do is talk to women and be friends with them, idk about the UK, But a lot of white wo.en in the U.S. would love to go with a tall good looking black guy
I get a lot of confusion from young men when they find out how much I have gotten around because as a relatively average nerd, they assume I have zero game. A big thing is having interests you are passionate about. Very seldom do I go out with a woman, even a nerdy one, that knows much about comic books, but the passion I have behind the medium and other things that I care about is something that multiple women have expressed is one of the hottest non-physical traits I have going for me, along with generally not being a misogynistic prick. I was definitely an incel in high school and college who didn't understand that despite my "nice guy" attitude, I had negative feelings about women and to seek what the relationship I thought I was "owed", I fell into pickup artist red pill nonsense. It wasn't until I got deradicalized and learned to love myself that my game started to develop and I've never been happier.
Why do women find things like passion and shit attractive? What is wrong with them? Where do I find women who aren't like that and don't give a shit about a guys having passion? I'm not that passionate of a person. I'm just not. Should I force myself to be that, to be something I am not? It's all such utter bullshit (sorry for expressing myself and being vulnerable, I know it's disgusting)
@@ComicDrake I was with you until you said your game improved. If you still view it as a game, I’m worried for you and your partners. (I understand it is a slang phrase for being good with women, but relationships should not be transactional. Using the word game implies manipulation and ulterior motives.) I’m glad you are doing better socially, but I hope you don’t view women as a prize to be won. It’s one thing to realize that you have put in effort to be a positive companion that people want to be around, it’s another thing to be like, “I have interests now so I win! I’ve figured out how to get women to like me!” (Please stop me if I’m being to presumptive)
I was listening to the audio version of this video at about 9.30pm doing bicep curls because i feel like my biceps are not big enough and therefore i am not enough despite my 5 year training consistancy all under the gaze of looks maxxing so i can be so attractive and irresistible to all women whilest driving a fleshy Mercedes benz. I am doing all of this whilst i have to be up at 4.30am in the morning the next to get to work so i can repeat the whole cycle again. I hate to say it but i am a victim of patriarchy and i dont think i will ever stop doing this to myself because its so ingrained in me that i dont see any other way. I am not working out because i want to be healthy , i am doing it for more attention from the opposite sex. Thank you for your work, you are doing something really amazing and i wish more young man could see this.
This video could not be more timely. I just finished reading Kiese Laymon's Heavy, and there are many parallels between this carefully crafted video and Laymon's experiences with his body and ideas around desirability and masculinity. As a Black cis-hetero woman, I have been thinking a lot about my body in ways I have not thought of previously. The body as a site for productivity, joy, sensuality, and trauma... What does it mean to fully inhabit your body? How does one unconditionally love their body within a society constantly telling us it should look and be different? I discovered your content a few months ago through Kim at For Harriet. I really appreciate your work unpacking the various ways patriarchy harms us all. Keep at it, FD!
As a larger guy who is currently going bald, I think I really needed a video like this. As hard as it may be to accept, you have to be comfortable in your own skin before anything else. Learning that GUYS are the ones that seem to pay attention to you at gyms as you bulk up, rather than women, was pretty eye-opening. Don't worry, F.D....my beard doesn't fully connect either.
A decade ago I lost 50 lbs and most of the dudebros who would not give me the time of day were friendly to me even though I knew them a year prior. It was jarring to see how even men can be shallow. Surprisingly I still got hit on even thought I was and am still out of shape. Subjective taste is real guys!
@@lyndonwesthaven6623 I think he mostly means his beard is thinner in some places, so it isn't as full as other people's beards. Mine is pretty thin in places too; just doesn't grow in at all.
The "boys don't cry myth" is partly because people believe that boys are easier, so they make sure they are by not actually raising them. But I wish more people would point out that girls are also often shamed for crying. Most people are as children because the adults around us find it annoying, if we just treated children better the world would improve drastically
As a bisexual/pansexual male who has been in plenty of straight and gay relationships, that "gay male have more body issues and self-esteem problems" take hits hard. It's always funny to me when people say "just go gay" to straight lonely men because if you know, you know. A lot of guys I've dated have almost obliterated my self-esteem especially since many just see me as a "dom" or "top" and want me to treat them that way since I'm 6'4 and somewhat attractive and they never want me to show my emotions or feminine side. Meanwhile, I've had much more success with women because they allow me to show my more feminine side in an emotional sense but not always in the physical. I still struggle with body image issues but at least my self-esteem isn't just completely shattered because I'm not an emotionless sex robot and can express my beliefs with my fiancee.
I'm straight and as a teenager my biggest insecurity was that a girl wouldn't want me due to my penis size. Being black, I thought black men were supposed to be hung like horses and if not, then I wasn't a real man worthy of love. It took therapy and understanding that preferences are complex and based on individuals that that's a lie and learning the racist history of the BBC myth really drove home that I didn't and shouldn't need to subscribe to that standard and be happy with myself and body.
This was an amazing video. As a trans man, I really appreciate you mentioning trans people in these discussions. Usually people look at us with shame and get second hand embarrassment just seeing us exist. You aren’t ashamed to include us, and your channel has really helped me feel less ashamed of myself. Thank you for opening my mind to so much perspective!
@@sadscientist9995 trans men can date cis women tho???? And due to their life experiences, trans men on average tend to be kinder and more understanding lovers.
I think I really needed to hear this today. The part about being groomed into masculinity made me cry in my car. I've never heard that before. I feel so much sadness for all the men who have never internalized that message before I can't even begin to describe how much this video has fucked me up in a good way. Thank you 🙏
Woman love Keanu Reeves and Pedro Pascal. They aren't looks maxed or whatever- they're genuinely nice dudes. They're funny, they're respectful, they're kind. Yeah they're decent looking but they aren't like unattainable types of male beauty. The Keanu and Pedro type of attractiveness is SO ATTAINABLE for regular men, because that's just what they are. They seem safe, they seem like allies, they seem like they'd be respectful and pleasant to talk to. The roles people love them in are the ones where they have a wholesome, soft side. Yeah they both have Protector or Badass Warrior roles as well, but even then those roles are grounded in a decent guy character. All you have to do is be decent. Pedro being a trans ally makes him 400000% more attractive to me, it's BADASS that he doesn't care what any stodgy old bigots say he just stands by what he thinks is Right. It's punk af to be kind. It's manly as hell to respect others and stand up for them. NEITHER of them are ripped or anything but you'd have an easy time finding women online who'd jump at the chance to get with them. It's easy to go to the gym and flex in the mirror and push the Patriarchal Standards with the entire force of society behind them. It takes much more strength not to go with that pressure and to be kind when the societal mob is encouraging men to be misogynist or to stifle their own emotional development, etc. Men who don't ascribe to toxic masculinity and harmful patriarchal ideas are SO attractive as partners and friends and colleagues.
@@claynorth964yes, but not the sigma/alpha male stereotypical, which is what they mean. They are those huge chin, ripped muscles. They lean, even old now. But what appeals for them is the care and compassion. That's why all "attractive" guys in Hollywood do more romcoms than action, the sensitive personality is more attractive than anything else
@@claynorth964 If you followed any of the fandom surround them, especially Keanu Reeves you'll see a lot of the fascination with him has very little focus on him being attractive. Especially when you see the content itself. It's less Keeanu posing and flexing, and it's more him pouting, laughing, saying nice things, expressing himselves. And lots of clips from movies where the character he's portraying is showing vunerability. I think for a lot of men they hyper-focus on the attractiveness of other men, but they don't actually pay attention to how those attracted to those men, actually see them. Sometimes being "hot" is a + but that's all it is. An extra topping on the actual meal itself.
@@claynorth964 I need you to Google image search those guys, then look at them. Really just genuinely *look* at them. They are both Just A Guy, in terms of looks. Think of the average guy around you, then look at their candid photos. Those two guys are Just Guys. Everything that makes women go rabid for them cannot be purely just their looks.
Ngl having done ballet with only girls and team sports with other mainly cis boys definitely helped with emotional development as a kid. Especially doing that shit in the south, where something like dance is considered feminine and definitely made me a target of bullying in some instances, I think it was still much more of a healthy upbringing than if I had parents or older brothers who would’ve made me adhere strictly to a traditionally (American) masculine identity. The older guys in dance that I saw growing up always seemed much more easygoing and well-adjusted with their own sense of self and especially with girls, and it made these manosphere grifters seem very transparent. Turns out being around women and being friends with them helps you see them as other people and not just a mysterious “other” that misogyny would have u believe
My wife likes my legs too. Something that I found undesirable: i.e. large hips; very large thighs and calves (can't to fit into stupid thinner pants) is something that was found desirable. She was likely to find skinny legged men. Also what sold me to her was lacking the "Macho" attitude. I was just supportive and helped to create security: financial, domestic, or emotional. I do like the new "Mountain" male role as a desirable trait. That is someone who is supportive, stable, and is there for their partner.
You really nailed it man, confidence and self love is everything. However the road there isn't a quick fix. It took me years of therapy and a lot of self examination and inner work before I could even think loving myself and being comfortable in my own skin was possible. But it is possible, so anyone in a dark place, please keep this in mind and remember, hope and compassion will illuminate the path forward, no matter how fake it might feel to believe so.
I didn't have self love or confidence. People treated me like I was invisible So I worked to build my self love and confidence. People still treated me as invisible Your experience is not universal mate. Self love and confidence didn't change anything for me
@@painunending4610I see you replying to a lot of comments here. I get the impression that you’re struggling with something, and I extend my compassion to you. It’s great that you’ve worked on your self-confidence and self-love. I know what hard work that is, and I commend you for that. I’ve been working on the same thing for years now. Still, I know I have a long way to go. Sometimes I care too much about what other people think of me. Truly secure people aren’t preoccupied by what other people think of them because they know that they’re valuable in and of themselves. I hope to be that secure one day, and I believe you can get there too. Same to anyone else who reads this. We got this!
I’m 22 and I don’t consider myself quite the boy anymore I was yet still plenty to learn about masculinity and being a man This video was really helpful and gave me better insight than my father ever did Thank you
FD I don't have anything else to say for this video but thank you. This video saved me from so much anxiety. And what's frustrating is that it was simple this whole time. I really sat and asked myself, "who said it wasn't ok to be you?". I feel so much more confident in my reserved self and I no longer feel the need to change who I have always been, I've finally accepted it
@@thelegend3965 my argument is that “the rule” doesn’t actually exist with the same strength that men have been told it does. Women who dislike “alphas” and prefer more reserved types are definitely out there. Zero percent of my female friends think Chads are sexy
@@rachelgilbert3164 my point is that this video says women are changing, and don’t want the “Alphas” anymore, and you say that you prefer reserved men, fair enough. But women ain’t changing, and you are an exception to the rule (that DOES exist). Men and women have primordial attractions, and a majority of women are attracted to alpha males, and strong independent, successful men. This is why a guy who’s reserved and loser, probably isn’t gonna make it very far in life with women, because the majority don’t want “reserved”. That was the point I was trying to make, by saying that the exception doesn’t make the rule.
I still don't know what makes men attractive - but whenever I look at my body I hear my mother when I was like 12 telling me if i didn't lose weight I'd never find someone willing to love me. My mother has since apologized, but I can't stop remembering it. Hearing that, from my own mother, I fear it has permanently scarred me.
I have similar experiences, but will say that therapy does a lot. Definitely investigate. The damage may not go away but it can change to mean less, and change to mean something different to you
This was beautiful FD, this why I love your content men, the relatability is through the roof. While I wouldn’t consider myself “undesirable”. I didnt grow an inch over 5’8”, I was heavily into anime, scronny, had issues with my speech. In an effort to up my social currency, I upped my weight and tried to what every other black dude did. It didnt help, people saw right through me lol. It wasnt till after highschool, when I fell in love with the arts, I unlocked my potential . Like your homie, I was gentle, artsy, different and myself ( didnt hide my speech issues, or my love of liberal arts) -and soon after I was swimming it lmao. I came to realize while I had an idea framework to look a certain type of way. Cause i did get the attention when I put on muscle and excelled at sports. It was my interests my genuine personality that sealed the deal on 70+ % of my dating experiences. Looking good was not even half the battle. edit : I also want to add, fine tuning my social skills also came in super handy. As well as building up virtues like patience and empathy, toward everyone not just men or women. I learned that women were human, early in life. And although I almost fell victim to the manosphere nonsense a few years ago, after some bad experiences. Those early lessons were some key reasons as to why I was able to rid my system of the toxins.
Having been deep into gym culture and "liftin' bro", I can 100% corroborate that the people looking at your body the most are other men. And (as a cis dude) your gym crush isn't a lady you'd like to date, it's the bigger guy you'd like to be more like.
To some, this is very true. There's a lot of guys that are in that gym because they know that if they do not do that, then they will not have the opportunities that gym bros regularly do.
There is actually statistical proof that getting in great shape gets you more options then not being in great shape. You guys are just coming up with excuses.
@Fourtwo561 bruh where did I claim being fit doesn't help? I dropped 50lbs and was treated different. Did you even watch the video? FD explicitly states being in shape improves chances. But there's a point of diminishing returns that can even cross into being counter productive. Don't be a slob but like don't obsessively chase that sub 10% body fat. Wisdom is knowing when good enough is good enough and to not let perfection stand in the way.
@@matttran7161 my dude you clearly said 100% other dudes notice the most in your comment lol. Women notice a lot too they just better at hiding it. And yes you are right about being to much is bad I agree with you there, but to much is STILL like 50x better than not much.
I remember my dad's greatest piece of dating advice. It was the same "be yourself" but backed up by "I impressed a lot of women on first dates when I acted like someone I wasn't. Trying to do that all the time was exhausting, so I stopped. And then all those women realized they didn't like me. So then I started being myself upfront and it got a lot easier."
I pretended to be someone I wasn’t as well when dating and honestly all that did was made me hate myself, so i’d rather be myself and be disliked than pretend to be someone else, be liked by other people but be hated by myself
Yup. My boyfriend has freely admitted that he pretended to be someone else when we first started dating. (I didn’t realize it at the time, but he was significantly drunk, and kind of on bravado auto-pilot, during most of our initial dates. Now, I can generally tell when he’s intoxicated, but I missed it initially because he’s a person that’s able to be quite drunk without the normal physiological tells - like slurring or stumbling - being evident.) He ended up coming clean with me about his problems with alcohol, and I actually like who he really is; but years later, he’s still got this nagging worry that I only like him for the person he pretended to be while more-or-less blacked out. It seems like it really haunts him, and it sucks, because I actually love the real him, but nothing I can say seems able to relieve him of that worry.
In a world where young men in society are beginning to reject these messages and seemingly are returning back to a conservative mindset. I really feel like your content helps the youth, especially the minorities on how to liberate our mind and embrace who we are as opposed to conforming our minds to what is “socially accepted”. I am a big fan of this bro, as a 20 year old mixed raced young man, social media has been riddled with these right wing opinions and messages that try to oppose the “woke agenda being pushed” and when you dive into this stuff with such a young and impressionable mind, you tend to start to believe what these right wings media faces have been saying. Your content has really helped me grasp who I am and originally intended to be as well as giving me a better understanding of what I believe is right! Keep going!
@@painunending4610 i was gonna say the same thing and that according to him he was young and impressionable.... like your fucking 20. You still are. To the OP: Stop letting political activists dictate what you should think is right by giving you an answer to a question you havent had the chance to workout on your own. My advice to you is get out of the left/right, individualist/collective bullshit that is pushed to the forefront, and go do your own searching and researching to make up your "own" mind on issues. Check out both side when you hear some wild shit and check the middle to see if it true or false. Following along is how you become a lamb lead to slaughter. Wish you the best.
The point about hobbies is so true. My self esteem has risen significantly since picking up clay figure sculpting. I’m not very good at it yet, but the process of practicing and improving little by little in an art has fulfilled me in a way nothing else has.
nah you really deserve all this success, as a 21 year old black bisexual woman that was suffering at the hand of this manosphere influenced moment, you have come in and filled an absolutely vital vaccum for boys in understanding their disenfranchisement - i don't say this lightly when i say I have never liked what any male creator had to say up until you because i can see in front of me how you have shot to such popularity and how many boys are probably evading the manosphere pipeline because of how good you are at dissecting society as a whole, it's real harm reduction, us as women this grooming that you discuss results in violence for us out in the world and i just want to commend you because more men hearing a man like you is revolutionary and creating better boys thank you!!!! this work was always left to women to try and deprogram men from misogyny so they'll be less violent to us, more men need to take a leaf out of your book and realise men's issues and dysfunctions in this world can only be intimately understood and worked out in community with diverse men. you've given me hope again that decent humane men can exist, wow at 21 i was really starting to think men like this don't exist or have to be significantly older than me to have this sound an approach. so BRAVO FD, big bravo!!!!!
Seriously? "You given me hope that decent, humane men can exist again"? They already exist. It sounds like you have an exaggerated negative perspective of men as a whole. While I don't agree with everything the manosphere says they do make good points sometimes & speak from experience on how women & the world treat and view men. When they address their problems & experiences its instantly dismissed instead of being fairly analyzed, dissected and critiqued because all of the manosphere, incels & MGTOW are bad according to society. When they are completely ignored & demonized it makes the problem worse.
I've always been left, but I also had issues with self worth and I'm so grateful to F.D, his videos have helped me learn, and saved one of my best friends from the manosohere.
One really important thing about "being yourself" is that it can take work too - meaning, identifying who you are isn't a finite process, and the skills required to "be yourself" effectively can shift wildly over time. In other words, "being yourself" has a degree of skill attached to it in and of itself. There's a reason self discovery is such a persistent thread through so many people's lives. We change both intentionally and unintentionally over time, and every single time we have to absorb the impact of this change, for better and for worse. For me, I thought for the majority of my adult life that I was an introvert, and always will be. Well, at 28 I have learned that I am, in fact, not an introvert, and I'm still trying to adapt to that and what that means, because even one evolution in one aspect of your personality can affect every aspect of your life, far beyond dating. So this advice, in my opinion, can fall flat precisely because it takes very honest, open introspection to execute, and that's a skill that can take years to work out. Plus, doing it compassionately is also pretty important. The language of self improvement in a lot of these communities of men reads as very self hating and flagellating. It equates difficulties or challenges with actual suffering and overly controlling behaviors. You can push yourself out of your comfort zone and experience external hardship without being an asshole towards yourself, especially if a lot of this behavior is the result of a very poor understanding of your own wants and needs.
Can I ask how you went from feeling like you were an introvert to discovering that you aren't? Do you think you changed, or you were just a shy extrovert?
@@Dazuperstar It's a long answer, but I'll keep it short. I was a very social kid, outgoing and a natural leader. However, as life went on and things happened, I had mental health struggles that made me a lot more reclusive, fearful and easily fatigued. I just assumed my disconnection from people and my desire to be alone were my personality. Fast forward to making major life changes (including living alone in a foreign country for years, a major breakup etc.) and going to therapy, and I realized that being alone constantly, like I thought I wanted, was just as bad as having no alone time. I need both to be happy and energized. I try not to label and categorize my personality anymore, and I think that's actually helped more than trying to constantly pathologize everything about me. Plus, I made a real effort to strengthen my bond with my loved ones and grow my social circle, and finding good people makes you approach socializing very differently - a privilege rather than an anxiety inducing chore. I hope that helps!
I love this point. “Being yourself” means learning about yourself and that in itself can be a journey. People change and grow over time. And if you’re having personal struggles like social anxiety for example (which I’ve had my whole life) that can hinder your ability to experience who you truly are, what you’re truly capable of, or the things you truly desire. I know for me despite being mostly socially isolated, I deeply desire connection with people. I’m still working on myself and learning what is that makes me happy. Just in a general sense I sometimes have a hard time knowing what I like or don’t like, what will work for me or not work for me. I’m still learning how to actually BE myself because I have mental struggles that often get in the way of that.
My problem with 'be yourself' is that the self is fluid, most people are different at 15 and 25 and that's usually a good thing. I agree about the idea 'be your best self' and I think that might be why guys who get a sense of fulfilment from excercise often seem to be better both in dating and in life than guys who do it purely to 'get women'.
@@SceroticI think maybe he means like just bc you’re surrounded by women and welcome their energy doesn’t mean you’ll ever full understand what it’s like to be a woman and the way they see/experience the world. Correct me if I’m wrong tho!
I feel like teenagers can really learn this lesson from "Pride and Prejudice". It's 210 years old, but it's a masterpiece for a reason. Of all the Bennett daughters, Jane and Eliza are really the ones any man should pursue. Eliza is a confident, beautiful, brilliant, willful, outspoken woman that is humble, truthful, and compassionate as well. She knows who she is, she knows what she wants out of life, and she's not willing to compromise on the important things. Even if she were somewhat plain-looking, she'd be a girl you'd talk to for hours and be enthralled by. However, she is very judging, and when she first meets Fitzwilliam Darcy, his pride and conceit causes her to have a terrible impression of him (first impressions DO matter). This poisons her opinion of him for a large portion of the novel, regardless of his actions to the contrary on several occasions. Eventually, things come to light and she hears more about him from people who have actually known him for years or worked for him and his family (a good rule of thumb---always judge people by how they treat subordinates, not by how they treat "equals") and discovers that he is far and away a much better person than she initially realized, and that her prejudice blinded her to his reasoning for previous actions. Conversely he learns that he comes off as conceited, hubristic, and dismissive to many people without reason, and spends a great deal of the novel (off page, the story IS about Elizabeth after all) trying to correct that. The moral of the story is not to let first impressions totally influence every interaction with someone, but also to emphasize the difference between a "nice guy"/scoundrel, and an actual man of value Darcy is a man of value, even without his fabulous wealth. Darcy is a man of value because of who he is, his actions and deliberation, and the lengths he will go to for others with little regard for himself. Guys, if you want to find an Eliza, a woman worth being with, one who knows herself and will be herself, who will call you out for your failings and make you improve, and be the kind of life partner you actually want to spend your life with, you need to be an actual "man of value". By and large, that has almost nothing to do with what you have, or how you look---it's all about being who you are and showing that. Looks and toys are great, they can catch someone's attention. But holding their attention requires the person you are being WORTHY of attention. And vice versa, because beauty doesn't mean anything if they are vain, callous, and small-minded.
Yet I know plenty of men who are valid, small-minded and callous who have success with women Meanwhile I'm all the things this video says is desirable and I haven't had my first kiss at 24 Why do I keep reading this shit. Why do I keep listening to lies
That last point is so important and something that the manosphere completely ignores. It's a common issue in our media as well. They only ever talk about the process of attracting a woman. The superficial things you need to get their attention, thus the incel focus on physicality and wealth. They NEVER talk about how that relationship should be maintained outside of the complete subjugation of their female partner, to the point where one wonders if they actually want a woman or a robot. They never talk about what you as a man can bring to the table outside of wealth and looks. They never encourage boys to be worth knowing, let alone worth having sex with. They don't teach them how to converse with people or how to make your romantic intent known without subterfuge and gaslighting. But it goes back to the fact that patriarchy doesn't see women as human. They see us as puzzles to unlock. I saw one metaphor about women being a toaster or slot machine and the men in the manosphere are baffled as to why the machines want to be treated as people like men are.
@@grandempressvicky6387 Most men can't even generate hat initial attraction and have to work tirelessly to do it. Your talking about the finish line, they can't pass the first hurdle Like I said I'm all the things described in the video. I am a worthy, valuable, desirable man and I can't generate that initial attraction so nothing ever happens
This is a fantastic video. I’ve been struggling with body image my whole life, but particularly the last year, as I had to take a hiatus from the gym and gained a ton of weight cause I was still eating like I was heavy weight training. I’ve talked to my wife, and no matter how many times she tells me she prefers the body I have now, it’s hard for me to accept cause of the toxic masculinity permeating through everything in this end-stage capitalist hell. Thanks, FD, for putting this out. Also, we need to take a moment to acknowledge something: male attractiveness has been under attack for a while now, well over a decade, and men have been desperate for relief and reassurance and a way out of this echo chamber constantly trying to tell us we need to be better, we need to be bigger, stronger, more sexual, etc. But we really need to take a minute to recognize that women have been subjected to this psychological warfare for DECADES. Centuries, even. If men are exhausted and miserable, just think how women feel…
I remember a few years ago, Hugh Jackman was on the cover of men's fitness, and a different magazine that was marketed to women. There was a massive contrast in the presentation - on men's fitness it was al muscles and veins, on the women's magazines he was wearing a very homely sweater that didn't reveal too much of his musculature.
There are women attracted to the homely Hugh, there are women attracted to aggressive Hugh, there are women attracted to both, there are women attracted to neither. There is no such thing as the female gaze Women are not a monolith. I'm an incel and I know this. What's your excuse?
Growing up I though I had to be a redpill “alpha male” to get the girls I wanted. And since I didn’t fit the mold of a strong tall muscular man I didn’t even try to talk to them. I still had a few gfs few and far between but no relationship would last because I had soo much insecurity. It took years for me to recognize that woman also feel just as shy or as insecure as me. By recognizing that we are all human it made me less scared to actually have meaningful conversation with them. I currently have a gf that I think is definitely above my league , she said that the reason she decided to give me a chance in the first place was that I had a lot of confidence and how secure I was with myself.
I really enjoy how you include other creators in the conversation. It takes people out of their little bubble of subscribers and shows their intelligence in a way that’s different from what we’re used to. It’s like “oh you wanna preach? Well go ahead for real”👀💁🏽♀️ Love it😂
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Please support Adamandeve.com and use the code FD50 for 50% off your purchase. TH-cam doesn't want your boy to sell certain things so I'm putting this in the pinned comment cause otherwise the video might get demonetized again.
F.D
That thumbnail tho! 🥵 Lol
The way you talk about guys who get to have sex vs. guys who get to be in a relationship reminds me of the Madonna-Whore Complex.
Nah fam I could handle Brittney Renner. Easy peasy, first off I wouldn't be saying some dumb shit like whatever fresh and fit did...
A criticism I'm going to put down here is whenever they talk about the left in general not giving advice to men just know that that advice comes in after the hour-mark of this video after you already mentioned several times that the people that needed this advice the most have already clicked off of it. I know you're not professing to be that guy, just a bit of perspective I'm seeing.
Hey as an Asian guy I appreciate having at least some recognition. I feel like Asian men are constantly ignored in these conversations and being on the left I find that incredibly frustrating. Really appreciated the interview and the segment.
Great video FD
Big same man, with EEAAO doing so well and our struggles in the media being seen, and content like this I do hope things are slowly improving
Big time appreciate this also as an Asian man growing up around a lot of cishet white men.
Asian men are the least attractive male race in the US, specifically because they lack "masculinity". This video is such cope and won't reward sexually.
Also Asian guy here! Yeah, I'm really glad he dives into the intersectional nature of things
@@carlemthe3rd401 Nobody who goes outside takes incel comments seriously, no matter how many times you repeat yourself. Touch grass or remain miserable, clown.
“The real red pill is becoming aware of how society lies to boys in order to convince them to self-mutilate their humanity in the hopes that this will allow them to be better, stronger men.”
This is such a great line
This quote is moronic. His baseline definition of masculinity is wrong.
I thought red pill was just acknowledging women's hypergamy lol
@@thehumanbackpack6374acknowledging hypergamy alone is not going to help you in dating at all. At all. That’s one of the major themes in the video.
Gave me chills fr
@@thehumanbackpack6374 According to manosphere types, yes.
The penchant for making up pithy terms and phrases doesn't seem to be helping the men who fall into this ideology happier; I don't understand the point or appeal of it.
God that story about Andrew Tate's father flying into a rage over his sons simply commenting on their own hair, ending up with his mother calling the police on him...followed up with Tate calling his father a "great man" is straight up harrowing.
is any one really surprised that he ended up being an abuser? it's like a walking red flag.
@@alastorcorvusnobody’s surprised at the way he turned out, it’s just that you’ve got some useful idiots that don’t think he’s an abuser at all.
Tho tbh that is ten times more of a problem smfh
as a chess fan, Emory Tate giving us Andrew Tate is the second worst thing about chess after Bobby Fischer's Nazi turn.
People can have complex relationships with their parents in the face of abuse. He is definitely a prime example of this.
I was perplexed about the way my dad talked about his father at times when I was growing up but I also understood it.
He was proud of the fact that his dad was a WWII hero but WWII ultimately did him in. He came back from the war a shell of his former self, became a raging alcoholic and was physically abusive toward my grandmother, my dad and his eldest daughter (my dad’s older sister).
It was a common story.
My dad was also the first to tell you he was a massive POS, often, but WWII hero was the only good thing he had to hang onto. * He also experienced combat PTSD himself and I think that gave him some level of insight into part of what was going on in his dads head though it was no excuse.
Tate celebrating his dad for abusive rhetoric and behavior shows there probably wasn’t much else.
I don’t have sympathy for him though. He’s messed up at every turn and that is on him.
I am frustrated by the fact that so many people believe in trafficking fantasies involving abductions but they can’t recognize more accurate accusations that fall in line with a large number of cases.
Multiple things can be true. What defines a man isn't set in stone. Greatness is subjective and can apply to certain parts of being a man. It does not have to encompass every part of your being. My dad was the same. He was abuse ( so I heard), however the few years I had with him I remember a great man before he went to jail and developed schizophrenia. I remember times where I would trip and fall. He would pinch me until I stopped crying. He told me I wasn't a girl, and that girls cried... That type of discipline even though it was short lived help shape me into the resilient person that I am today. So yeah I can 100% see how Tate can view their father as great even though he has some very noticeable flaws.
Im a male teen who fell into the “traditional masculinity, anti sjw” rabbit hole and it wasn’t till i started watching your videos did it help me realize how stupid and unneeded it all was. They taught self help through insecurity, as in they kind of play into the things a sad teenage boy would want; girls, money, stuff like that, and tell you the only way to get all of that is through masculinity. None of it really helped because it doesn’t make you work for what you want to be, but to work for what you “should” be. Thanks for the video man you really help!
they how are you will achieve this? every goal have some requirements that SHOULD be met. tell me how do you raise 100M just be the way you want to be? tell me how do you will become a champion without a work that should be done? its not about your feelings, its about reality that matters, you should adapt to things, not to go your way that you want that's ineffective
@@wagaboond6443bros literally telling someone to conform to societal standards lmao. Nooooo don’t do what makes you comfortable and happy, be miserable just like me!!!
Fear. It's led by fear and scarcity mentality, or the lowest level of the Maslow's hierarchy of needs... The lowest nature self.
May I ask a question? Was there ever a moment where down the rabbit hole you looked towards a father figure- like an uncle or dad, and thought, man they aren't masculine at all yet they found a partner.
Ok us successful “conformists” will continue being so and we’ll check back on the correlation between “going your own way” and the rising homeless population in 10 years
One thing to remember about taking dating advice from Sig as opposed to most manosphere types is that he has multiple kids. So unlike most of them there is tangible proof that he has actually had sex.
😂
My nephew had a T-shirt when he was younger that said, “I am proof that my dad scored.”
It's baffling that so many people in that space don't even live the ideals they are spouting. Like where is your wife? Where are your kids? How do people automatically not see it for the scam that it is?
Where are the relationships? Where is the happiness and fulfillment? Isn't that supposed to be the goal? But instead everyone ends up even more miserable and depressed.
lol 😂😂
And we've caught glimpses of Fiq's wife in other videos, and she's objectively beautiful. The man knows what he's talking about!
The advice of starting a hobby is HUGE. There's nothing more attractive than someone who is doing something they enjoy, having a good time. Genuinely.
Fwiw if that thing that you enjoy is having a Bugatti and taking care of that car then 100% do that. Go to car shows, make friends who also love to drive that kind of car, go cruising or join one of those fun and slightly illicit cross country races. When you are doing something that makes you friends with shared interests, even if they aren't women, that will go a long way in making you a confident person who has a personality and that, too, is attractive.
Hugely annoying when you already have like 5. It’s def not an automatic pathway to socializing. Enjoy it for its own sake
This is 100% true. I'm a lesbian who currently has a crush on Noah from Bad Omens simply because he's so damn talented. So yeah - get a hobby, my dudes lol.
A lot of autistic guys have hobbies and get really into them but 99% of them never been with a woman
@@annoyedbyyourface you can't even talk if you're a lisbo
As a trans woman, my biggest take away from this video is that the 80's were 40 years ago, not 20 years ago, and I am become ancient.
1980 always feels like it was 20 years ago to me. Not sure why. I was born in '91, and I can't stand most 80's kitsch.
no... 😧😖🔥💀
@@jonathanschweiss316'91 Here as well. Sometimes it feels like my internal clock just stopped at 2000.
Oh god....oh god no... How did this happen?!
@@jonathanschweiss316 I think the turn of the century kinda messes with your head. I constantly feel like we're closer to 2000 than we are to like 2030 or whatever. I constantly feel like we're in 2003 until my achey bones kindly remind me of the yr haha
I'm a single father and have always told my sons that it takes more strength to cry than to not. It shows you are human and have empathy and compassion. To be vulnerable is a true strength
Exactly. I love being a human being and not a robot with no feelings. Being kind, helping people, crying shows you have a soul and heart.
That's sentiment right there Just echoes that you are a much better father than a lot of the other ones out here. Crying showing emotion is a human thing that we should embrace and accept not disassociate
My son learned that crying is "taking out the trash." I think he read it somewhere. It helped him have a visual and something that made sense to do. You wouldn't let the trash can just overflow and not take it out. Same thing with feelings of all types. Don't let them overflow.
@@SuperAH1985 That's an excellent way of looking at emotions
Thank you for teaching them that, it's a really important lesson that takes a lot of people a long time to learn 💜 I hope you and your family are all doin well!!
I’m a cis woman lawyer. My husband answers phones at a plumbing company. He’s a nice guy that makes me laugh. “Traditional masculinity” is horseshit.
You better hold him tight or I'm swooping in. 😤
@@LatinaCreamQueen Oh trust me, I’m never letting him go. I love him so much it’s gross haha
He is nice because he is financially not there. Poor men are usually "nice"
preach!
@@Uke2405 I’ve def dated some poor dudes who were douchebag.
As a gay man who tries so hard to tell his straight male friends this kind of stuff, I can’t thank you enough for just making this. You kick ass!
im somewhat thankful for being born a woman. if i weren't raised to be human and to have empathy for others, who knows where i'd be now. my parents and family as a whole are all pretty traditional. its funny, because growing up a lot of people made fun of me for being 'boyish'. but i don't fit a lot of the manly man criteria. i'm a huge crybaby. it's a part of my mental illness. adhd and anxiety are sort of a package deal. i don't cry very easily, but i *am* easily overwhelmed, so it kind of cancels itself out at a point.
luckily my parents weren't as controlling as other family members, so i was at least capable of expirimenting enough to find these things out. i'm just not so sure that's how it'd be if i was born in the body i'd wished i were born in, which is kind of sad.
@@grem4102not all guys are like the types depicted in the video.
there’s a weird perception that men are all cold, selfish and super masculine, but i’ve rejected that shit my whole life and it hasn’t harmed my love life at all.
i’m super glad i’m not one of those kinds of guys, but i’ve never been one to take social conditioning re: gender seriously at all
damn I really feel that anxiety is just terrible I've managed to properly live with adhd a few times and actually keeping up with responsibilities and everyday routines but nowadays I honestly can't leave my house without fearing for me life to the point that its hard to function makes it hard to act like or look like a "normal" person at the very least I don't have to live or deal with my dad anymore
To me “be yourself” just lacks direction, which is why it is frustrating. I found that transforming that phrase into “show people who you are” greatly improved my attitude. Showing who I am gives them the opportunity to know me quickly that’s doesn’t require me to keep up false behaviour in the future. If they stay, they knew what they were getting into.
WOOO! *snaps fingers* SOO fricking well said!
Screenshot this ‘cause I’m gonna need it later
great way to rephrase it
For me, someone who is more reserved, "be yourself" is something that is easier for me to embody than "show people who you are", since it feels more pressuring with that phrasing. I rather do my own thing quietly/behind the scene so if people notice my good actions that's good enough for me. But I know everyone's mileage varies. (To anyone reading), just find what works for your self-expression as long as you aren't trying to put others down in the process.
This is lit
The hardest part of "being yourself" is giving yourself the space and time to figure out who you are in the first place.
True that, wasn't able to practice self expression until my 20s. So it took years of re-wiring myself to figure out who I truly wanted to be.
Love yourself first
Also the hard pill to swallow is that sometimes Yourself is just not what anyone wants. It’s rough, but it can be the case. And the answer is not to blame women or anyone else. You just have to make peace with being on your own.
Yes, exactly this @@blackjack0202
And then having to be confident about it 100% of the time whenever you're around other people
In the past, you said criticizing the man-o-sphere isn't enough, and someone needs to actually give some better advice for lonely young men. And then you did it. Amazing.
I am that lonely young men and let me tell you this advice isn't that great either
I suspect reinforcing the "be yourself" advice will not work. People seek content like the PUA because they talk about the details of dating, like how to take good photos for a tinder profile as shown early in the video
@@painunending4610 get an autism diagnoses. That could help you if you struggle with actually talking to women
Bad advice is better than no advice. His advice was horrible
@@tatbaz1 his advice was better than anything Tate could muster
Being able to identify, process, verbalize, and express emotions or feelings is something that is learned, and can be developed even in adulthood with both men and women. For me as a 38 year old black man, I was raised in a household where "I love you" wasn't said often, and we rarely talked about our feelings. I now have a 4 year old, and I remember when my son was younger he tripped and fell, and he bumped his head on the floor. He looked up at me, and I could see that he was hurt, but I could also see that he did not wanna cry in front of me. I realized in that moment how what I said or reacted was going to influence the way he was going to, in the foreseeable future, react when he would get hurt. So I told him, "son it's ok to cry if you are hurt. And it's ok to say that you are hurt and feeling sad if that's how you feel". After I told him this he was able to be vulnerable, and then he started to cry. I crawled over to him, and I embraced him. I gave him that space to feel. I never got this when I was a kid. When i got hurt my parents asked if I was ok, and they told me that I had to be strong, and I didn't need to cry. I now feel confident that my son, when he gets older, will be able to feel safe enough to come to me and tell me if something is bothering him. It was important to me to create a safe space for him. I've been in therapy for 3 years now, and I've just started to learn how to identify what I'm feeling, and what goes on physically with my body when I'm having a certain feeling or emotion. And I've learned to better verbalize those emotions with my wife now than when we first got married. It has made me a better person as a man, a better husband to my wife, a better father to my son, and a better friend to my peers. I don't think I am a weaker man for expressing my emotions or feelings. I think I've become more authentic, and I've given myself more grace to make mistakes, and not always try to be the strong one in my relationships. I actually think I've become a stronger man because I am able to express myself without thinking that I'm being weak in that moment. I highly recommend studying Plutchik's Wheel of emotions. He points out eight primary emotions: anger, anticipation, joy, trust, fear, surprise, sadness and disgust. I suggest getting good at identifying these emotions in yourself. It will help provide good information on what's going on with your mental and physical state of being.
Wow that's awesome dude, but did I ask?
Thank you for giving your son a safe way to express his emotions.
@@yasiercurtis5342you actually took the time to comment that, why don’t you just scroll and let people tell their stories.
Hi, thanks for commenting. I can relate to your childhood experience almost 1:1 and have been seeking therapy. I also have noticed that I struggle with experiencing emotion, but being able to put it to a physical state has helped me immensely. I think that a majority of it comes from generational trauma (my family came from USSR) and I feel like you are definitely doing the right thing for your son.
Thank you for teaching your son that he can be himself. If nothing else, that is the greatest gift you can give him.
I’m a pretty newly out trans dude and have been terrified my whole life to do anything about it. This was very therapeutic, thank you.
Welcome to the club, bro.
I'm a cis straight woman and I accept you as a dude. Congratulations on coming out 🏳️🌈!!!
Hell yeah brother!
agender person here and i support you 💕🏳️⚧️🌈
Let's gooooooooo
Something I didn't recognize how wild it was bc I was a literal child was my own sister watching me cry and telling me in an authoritative tone that I'm not supposed to: took me decades to understand that just because I grew up surrounded mostly by women it didn't mean I wasn't vulnerable to all the patriarchal programming, in fact I still ended up w a lot of toxic traits commonly attributed to men, which I had to and am still working on; this shit is so ingrained in our society that even the women in your life will force you into it.
Yup. The patriarchy is upheld by women too. The same can be said for women reinforcing toxic ideals of what women are 'supposed' to be on other women. People of all genders would be better off without these strict ideals and requirements for 'you must be this unemotional to be a man' or 'you must be passive as a woman' for example.
its been my experience that women perpetuate patriarchy more than men do, simply because the average woman has more to gain on an interpersonal/microcosmic level by reinforcing patriarchal values than the average man does
I am sorry for this, I grew up AMAB and somehow discovered that having a good cry is one of the best feelings I could have. I am trans and woman these days. I think a man should also be able to get to the core emotions instead of defaulting to elation or anger .
Women also seem to hit you and get away with it, other women will not blame the woman who hit you , but will blame patriarchy.
Deleted an earlier comment because I went on a tangent about periods and, honestly, that is not the topic.\
Edited because I said "literally" about five times.
Teaching men not to cry was so fucking evil. Like in the hospital, they literally made you cry to teach you how to breathe. Everyone on this planet that makes it to adulthood has cried. So crying is the most basic human instinct. So crying is literally just as much a sign of weakness as breathing.
You should not be crying all the time, but as a woman, crying is what you do after months or even years of struggling. It is the biggest sign of tolerance or strength because, even for the most sensitive of us, a lot has to happen before we cry. As a woman, I have been told that I'm sensitive. I have gone to a funeral and, even though I was sad, I did not feel the need to cry. The literal death of an older relative of mine did not have me crying. And a lot of people do not cry at funerals. So to make someone cry means you have to put them through so much pain for so long or a lot of pain at once. How in any world is that seen as weakness?
I know this video is for boys and men (and I watch partly because I have a son), but there is good advice for girls and women in here too. Performing certain aspects of femininity might get you a lot of sex partners as a woman, but the quality will be lacking. My husband is a man who I have always felt like I could be myself around. I value that so much. Fat, thin, in between, my man loves me for who I am and I can’t tell you how much that has helped me to grow as a human. He has helped me to grow my skepticism and reasoning and I have helped him to grow his empathy and other normal human emotions and we are both better people as a result. I was bigger than my man when we first met in high school and I was bigger than him for most of our relationship together. If we had let that stop us, we would have missed out on so much.
I agree.
This video was meant to get views from fatherless man hating women and soyboys .
That’s so sweet and inspirational, thank you for sharing 🥰🥰
@@MissSeaShell you just said you met him at 19 so your opinion doesnt those men didn't experience love from any women and now when they are rich they are getting women so they will go for the youngest ones that's for sure . Its simple logic .
I like watching videos like this to see what other boys/young men are seeing. Then I can see the good from the bad. You can also tell which content creators these guys are watching by what they say.
I am a 24 y/o ex-chubby baby-faced male. I’ve been unpacking my feelings of rejection from other males. Most of my friends are female. I gave up on masculinity performance but I find myself still feeling as though I’m on the outside with other males even though I have 5 brothers. I last year picked up Crossfit. It changed my mind on what makes a strong or confident human: strongest guys in the gym weren’t even straight or didn’t have six packs. I’m slowly learning to love myself by addressing the ugly feelings I have about myself.
sounds awesome dude! youre on the right track for sure :)
What do you think makes a strong human ?
@@dream1430 looking back on my own experiences and my capacity for kindness, being considerate of others when it would be easy to get even and taking the high road, standing up for people who are marginalized. That’s what strength is to me.
“Ex-chubby” 😭😂😂😂
Six pack isn’t a sign of strength, it’s a sign you don’t eat enough - JF Caron, one of the strongest men on earth
Such a privilege to be part of this, what a fantastic video. 💙
Thank you for your contribution!
I was so happy to see you featured. I am trans guy and your recent videos really helped me to unpack some of my gender related issues, so thanks a lot.
seeing another trans guy included in this conversation made me feel really good and it was interesting to hear about your perspective on the issue, so, thank you for participating 😄
The most disturbing abuse in public I’ve witnessed was hearing a man in another aisle at the grocery store yelling at his 3 or 4 year old son for crying. It broke my heart and was so toxic, witnessing that sweet child get emotionally traumatized. Somehow even worse than seeing a woman haul off on a kid or drag them out kicking and screaming.
"You play like a man or we leave". - A father to his 7 y.o. son trying to learn Soccer.
Some people are just sickening.
Parents do the same togirls. Why does everyone think crying is only stopped when its boys? Parents hate to be embarrassed in the store and they get tired of hearing babies scream.
@@ecclairmayo4153 the child wasn’t screaming. This was worse because the kid was obviously trying not to cry and was being psychologically scarred for having feelings. This happens to boys as a whole with the expectation that they be “tough,” which just robs them the opportunity to learn how to process and express complex emotions.
@@ecclairmayo4153 parents definitely tell boys to stop crying way more than girls. Ever heard the phrase "man up"?
@@ecclairmayo4153 it's for different reasons. boys are told not to cry because it's been deemed socially emasculating, and girls are told not to cry because they are seen as overly emotional and annoying. no one's feelings are validated, and everyone grows up traumatized in unique ways as a result
Just as the mom of a boy, I was shaking with rage about how many friggin' times I had to correct other adults when they tried to make my son feel less than for acting like a human instead of acting "like a boy".
Your a good mom!
You’re a amazing mom never stop!!
@@ANGELMAN. I's weird to be praised for doing what should be the bare minimum, but thank you!
Even the "bare minimum" is sometimes hard to find, in parenting boys. It's up to parents to do the groundwork to raise healthy young men. It's not easy!
To add on that; the amount of time ADULTS will see a young boy and girl being friends and then INSISTING that they're boyfriend and girlfriend. They do this from ridiculously young ages. How can boys be taught to relate to girls on a human-to-human level if we keep insisting they regard them as 'conquests'? It disgusts me.
Mad respect for bringing in a trans guy to talk about his experiences.
I've never seen a fellow trans dude talk about the effects of patriarchal masculinity during transition. It's something that really does effect pretty much every trans guy; the fear of not being masculine enough for the world to see you as you see yourself.
In my early transition I was ~16 and never even been in a relationship. A massive factor to my fragile masculinity and loneliness was "I don't have a girlfriend I need a girlfriend, why is everyone in a relationship except me??".
It's a perspective that's usually hugely missed among cis people, so thank you so much for including it king! 👑
Legit! It was very affirming to realise my (non-trans) partner is a much greater pansy than I am, lol. If he can thrive in jobs where you need to be tough and able to defend yourself, while wearing nail polish and floral suits... then I do not need to be insecure about knitting on the train. 👍
I recommend Thomas Page McBee's books _Man Alive_ and _Amateur_ , I reckon you might like them.
I hate it when people online call me an incel and make fun of me for not having a girlfriend. The left are the ones that usually does that fyi. I am cis btw.
Wtf…
Lol but that dude did break a lot of what FD was trying to say, cause he showed that what makes a man desirable is height. Body type preferences varies but height is very important for most women
@@RedTyrant yeah no I don't even want to try dating anymore. I see plenty of not-that-angry, sweet short dudes getting rejected all the time in my college. Those same dudes have told me what you are telling me now, to demonstrate how important being ok with being rejected for your shortness is. But tall guys still get chosen over them, so I don't think personality matters all that much if you're short, you'll still get rejected a lot.
I don't know if it's different in the older generation, but in my generation women have pretty high requirements for height.
Also lol at how you compare men's and women's standards, my dude most men swipe right on most women, while women only swioe right on a very small minority of men. I think the data showed ~60% vs ~5% for men and women respectively.
I'm a 21 year old guy living in a conservative town, and I almost cried by the end of this video. This has got to be one of the most important videos on this platform.
I've seen countless of examples of men from my town being so confused by the patriarchy and still idealizing it while oblivious to how much it hurts both them and women, yet whenever I try to talk to them about this I'm always met with ad hominems about my masculinity (and like most men, I've struggled with self-image issues and masculinity too). I can't tell you how many times I've felt suffocated because of how I'm seemingly the only one in my town to feel this way, and it has led me to a lot of self-doubt. However, seeing you make such a thourough detailed video about this issue that has been on my mind for years now is so therapeutic holy shit. Thank you for this.
right there with you homie
Hang in there bro. You are way ahead of the curve, things get better for people like you.
Yes 100% I had to leave my family and I’m healing continuously as I unpack internalized toxic gender and sexuality attitudes.
sending love
Bro stop
Being a 27 year old, black male watching this, it’s refreshing to see and hear other like minded brothas. Growing up being a big boy all my life really became arduous when you realize the biggest haters wasn’t women, it was the men who pushed the negative trope. They force fed it to women, who then regurgitated it in validation to these men, that in itself breeds this overarching, self regulated/sustained stereotype. You start to believe and race others to the punch of someone else in hopes you give no one the opportunity to harm you. Looking back as a young man now, my teen years/early 20s was filled with a lot of desperation, seeking what I wanted, as a late bloomer. It brought so much life into perspective for me later, seeing how low I was because I was chasing an image rather than my real self.
I said this to say:
Take your time, gain empathy, sympathy, become some who you like, and don’t place so much pressure on performing this unreal, immeasurable ideal that leads you nowhere in the end. Women aren’t this untamed beast that needs to be conquered, or this end all be all reward to fuel the male ego. They’re humans, functioning ppl who don’t hold so much interest power struggles, but rather wanting to be treated human.
Wow you nailed it
*new message from Unc at 8am*: "send me a thirst trap selfie"
*me 5 min later*: 2 attachments
*My partner walks in the room**: "who you taking pics for with ya shirt off"
*me*: "well its for Unc but that doesn't make it sound any better" 😂
Lmao
😂
lololol
That first message 💀
I was wondering how he got the thirst traps in the thumbnail lolllll
As an Indian, from Kerala, South India, I was fortunate enough to have very open minded parents. My father, despite seemingly being the mustacheoed strong quiet type, never ever told us to act more manly, or be less feminine.
I watched alot of malayalam films, in which not being super jacked was completely okay, and my experiences with North American ideas of masculinity were predominantly from western films. I thought much of it was hammed up for the storyline.
But it wasn't until I lived in Canada with my wife and got to know my male in laws, that I realized the kind of damage some western ideals of masculinity have inflicted. The fact that men showing emotion is considered "woke" by some, is just backwards and ridiculous
Bro my parents are from Kerala and my Pentecostal upbringing was absolute toxic-masculinity hell I never saw a man even talk to a woman oof
@@JordanBarclay that's too bad dude, I was raised in Kochi in a not so religious family (we were Catholic on paper). That probably had something to do with it
I know someone from Kerala and while his family have traditional gender roles, he was always the first to jump up to throw the trash, wash the dishes or even cut fruits for his kids. It was just normal to him! There’s ofc expectations for masculinity/femininity but it goes to show how a lot of this is cultural
@@hitthefries yup! That sounds like my dad too haha
I'm from Kochi too. Cheers dude 🍻
“Woman are telling you out right that they want companionship, stimulating conversation, support, and good sex” not a single lie was told 👏🏾👏🏾
And they want all that with attractive men
@@monimuppet6132 every single time … it’s almost like they didn’t watch the video.
@@painunending4610 Really not true at all! I think if you believe that that then you are just going to miss all the people who want that and actually find you attractive. There a lot of women who just don’t care about looks that much. Y’all just don’t want them or you are too busy being upset that you don’t look one Adonis to notice that someone actually does like you.
The Women who are more accepting are already taken 😂. If people were honest they would admit that majority of women are just virtue signaling snd date the best looking man they can get.
@@painunending4610 News flash: People want to be attracted to their partner
As a gay guy I always found it funny how straight guys who have no success with women are told to "go gay". The gay male scene is horrifically brutal and most men would get there self esteem shattered compare to what they believe womens standards are.
Also if you do fit that hyper fit gym bro persona, you are nothing more than a mound of flesh.
Its literally the next phase of the manosphere, where basically the majority of men canabalize each other, especially when they are no women to blame.
This isn't true at all, I've had multiple offers from gay/bi men to have sex in real life but none from women. Yes, ussually alcohol/cocaine involved but regardless my point stands. An average man can also receive matches on gay dating apps but receive none on straight apps. Not saying it's easy being gay or finding partners (especially if you live in rural areas etc) but you are just objectively wrong with this comment. My brother is gay and we have discussed this at length, he may as well live in a different universe from me as an "average" low income straight man
@@jamesreid5809I guess it’s where the emphasis lies, is it about having quick sex or having a relationship? “Going gay” is great if quick and easy sex is all that’s wanted. If something deeper is required then the novelty will wear off pretty quickly.
@@jamesreid5809
You are 100% correct 💯
@@jamesreid5809those men hitting you up aren’t treating you like a person. They’re treating you like a sex toy. They wouldn’t dream of actually dating you if you don’t look like a Marvel superhero
@@SincerelyFromStephenyeah, basically what most straight women go through. It took gay men hitting on me for me to realize that the "advice" young men take regarding "hitting on women" is super toxic
As a trans man, most of your videos genuinely help me analyse my own perception of masculinity. The fact that a big part of your perspective so incredibly relatable for me personally, helps me understand my own identity and at least feel like I fit into society as a man
You’re not a real man or a man at all.
Your point about loneliness is truth. I wasted too much time (and women's time) trying relationships hoping the woman would "fix" me when I really needed to work on my own shit first.
The Manosphere literally says the same thing. The redpill concept isn’t just about relationships with women, it’s about relationships with humanity itself. The reason the manosphere talks about relationships with women the most because many men are stuck being very emotional and dependent and simping over women.
At least a woman desired you. I've worked on myself and still can't achieve that
All of us need to better understand this about ourselves. Self-awareness has become a lost art for many people and I'm glad that you found it.
@@painunending4610I'm sorry you're going through this. For some of us it takes longer than others. I thought I was self-aware in my thirties and it turned out I was wrong. Perhaps you have more to learn more growth is coming or maybe you simply have not met your person yet.
Being man enough to admit this is 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾🔥
As a gay man I found this video really refreshing. I am attracted to so many different types of men, but it ultimately comes down to vibes. It's damn hard, if not impossible to learn how to have good vibes, but if I had any advice to men out there, don't have sex or a relationship be the end all be all goal. Meet and talk to people to meet and talk to people. Forge connections. Maybe someone who isn't feeling you that way has a friend who would be.
Vibes isn't a concrete thing, it's too abstract. Have you ever tried figuring out what are the hidden variables behind what determines whether you're interested in someone or not? I'm not saying we could generalize it to other people but that we could make an "attractiveness map" corresponding to your criterias specifically. But of course that all depends on wether you're interested about learning more about yourself or not.
I think straight men can learn a lot from men who love other men. Maybe we can learn to see more beauty and value in each other that way
homosexual relationships are different from hetrosexual though
Is a shame but good vibes often come with self confidence, and self confidence comes with a lot of effort on mental health. For a lot of shy guys that good vibes will come in their 30s. Faking good vibes is something you can achieve in 1 year, but it will crush your self-esteem because you will be pretending to be another person because you think you are not enough, and if you have success at it it will be worst.
Orlo Folsom, it sounds like you're encouraging a pretense of friendship with someone you meet on the off chance they can give you access to one of their hot friends. That's not a connection. Not only are you being blatant about using people [as conduits] but in doing so you’ve also betrayed your earlier position to not let sex/relationship be the end goal. Clearly it is. Our investment in meeting people in our personal lives should be about whether we can build authentic relationships (be it platonic or romantic) with them and not what we can get out of them later on. Even if you choose to prioritize sex, authenticity makes it so that you are not treating someone as a body to have sex "at" by way of "learned vibes" insofar as they are not actually getting to know who you are.
As a gay man, I have always noticed that girls/women were attracted to me because of my kindness. I’m not super attractive or masculine at all
My gay friend from high school who was closeted back then only had girl friends, and all the girls wanted to date him lol
Your opinion is invalid
@@NoHrmanHauht your opinion was already invalid so you thinking my opinion is invalid is in itself invalid. In fact your existence is invalid. You should do something about that.
@@NoHrmanHauht Your opinion is also invalid.
Had a really long talk with my partner about our experiences and masculinity (we are both trans masculine people)
And we joked that we had a dad-talk with you
, even though you are cis, and that helped us a lot. Then I opened comment section and found out there are so many other trans men here and it’s so funny
Thank you for accidentally being our dad we needed when we were growing up
Uncles are such a very important part of the village 💞and we are blessed to have F.D.'s perspective 🙏
Another trans man here. Pretty comfy in my queering of masculinity but just trying to answer the age old question:
"uh... y'all...are men okay?"
Trans masc person here to and FD has been such a positive role model in the short amount of time I’ve known his channel… he’s the honorary positive cis male role model all of us deserve in our life. His humanity and down to earth vibe, the no nonsense discussions, AND the awesome dad humor… that’s “worlds #1 dad” mug material if I’ve ever seen it
Trans man didn’t have a dad.. why is this not surprising
This comment is so ironic
Your hobby advice is so right!!! I started crocheting, just doing a project here and there, and you would be surprised by how many people are into it, how many friends you can make, and get some partners if that's something you want! It gave me a new confidence, no joke, and I'm so happy you brought it up. Hobbies need to be prioritized and unmonetized!
I cannot agree more. I have several hobbies and a big part of why I enjoy them is that I will never monetize them. It's fine if others hustle, but I'm not hustling. I'm enjoying my life.
Crocheting ironically is mostly done by women so I imagine you were just Drowning in pussy/s
Yeah I’m sure crocheting will get you tons of females 🤣 yes hobbies are attractive… the question is what hobbies actually attract women. Working out does, because women like more muscles and less fat… fit men.
If you want someone to talk about crocheting with, find a friend. If you want to attract women, make yourself attractive. Learn female psychology and what they respond to. Get in shape. Make some money. Get a degree etc.
unlike what leftist push, there are tangible steps you can take to make yourself more attractive to the opposite sex
@@sadscientist9995 I’m more attracted to someone who crochets and is into other creative hobbies than someone who spends a lot of time in the gym and only cares about making money. Stop generalising and hang out with different kinds of people
@@isiiies when did I say they only care about money? There are General truths in the world so generalizing can be fine when it’s true.
I am a conventionally-attractive cis woman. Got a lot of attention on dating apps in my early 20s from conventionally-attractive men. Now married to my husband, who is fat and an inch shorter than me. I’m attracted to him for a variety of reasons, including our shared niche interests and his personality, but I’m also just straight up attracted to his body and appearance.
Honesty, the hardest part of being with someone who’s not conventionally attractive is some of the psychic wounds it’s inflicted on him because of the bad stuff described in this video. I wish this video had been around for him when he was younger. Media in the early 2000s was so cruel.
Sending much love to any of the young fat, short men out there, especially bipoc boys. What you’re going thru is brutal. I hope you make it out okay.
Thank you for putting this into the world. 💛
thank you for saying this. I'm 28 now but the insecure 16 year old in me teared up a bit reading your comment. I became a lot more "conventionally" attractive in my early 20s after but what you said about the psychic wounds is so real. I find my biggest hindrance when it comes dating now is still my insecurity. it's like I can't believe that someone I'm attracted to could actually find me attractive even after being explicitly told that it's the case. But I'm truly learning to love myself for myself and it's become easier to let myself be loved too. Thank you again for the validation, and for providing an opportunity for self reflection
oh boy. looks like its time for yet another nuanced deep dive on an issue I have been struggling with my whole life that will make me painfully re-evaluate my own position for the next couple weeks. very much dreading/looking forward to it.
This was an incredible video! As an asexual woman, it really shed light on many topics that I hadn't given that much thought to before! It made me think of a conversation I had with a coworker of mine:
So I work with this guy. He's gay, married to another gay man and he's also a gym bro, they both are. Now he is a full Disney adult in a very specific way, which is that not only has he watched every marvel movie like it's his religion, not only does he want to fuck them all (and won't stop talking about it) but he also uses these characters/actors as inspiration for his personal masculinity. He is always at the gym, has a diet that is probably about 50% protein shakes and is physically very strong and imposing. And he has told me! That his goal is to look like Captain America, because he is really attracted to him and wants to emulate that. He has even convinced his husband to start working out intensely as well to attain this (unattainable) body type.
One time, he had been sick and told me that, after he had taken a warm bath to feel better, his husband had gotten lowkey mad at him because that was "too gay". I immediately thought that was super controlling and weird, but he agreed! He said that normaly he would have never done it cause it was embarassing but that he was sick as a dog and really needed it. And I was like bro that is CRAZY like FULLY INSANE!!!!!! What is this masc4masc bullshit you guys have got going on??! Like love yourself at some point!! You ARE gay! You're BOTH gay! You're married to a man!! And a BATH is too gay??? I found it really telling that making sexual comments about men truly all the time (like to the point where it is innapropiate for work) is fine, because it "fits" with the sexually pro-active personality that we assign to men, but taking care of yourself was seen as embarassing... (Also a WHOLE lot of internalised homophobia going on there but they are weird guys so it's their bullshit whatever)
Anyway thanks for this video! Really interesting!!
Patriarchy is so persistent that even fully open gay men still don't want to be "too gay". That shit's crazy.
Was talking to a gay dude at work about Florida banning trans talk from their schools, and along the way he drops a line like "I don't want my sexuality all over the media." It's like masculinity still has some masc gays in a second bigger closet or somethin.
@@earlsaverson5387 yeah fully! This same dude went on the "nowadays everybody has a different label I identify as an attack helicopter" spiel and I was like dude that is your people!! Why are you trying to distance yourself and your family and community? But I had never thought about the "groomed to be lonely" aspect that FD brought up... I feel he has hit the nail on the head
@@anaischampignon4455 you would be surprised by how discriminating and judgmental the lgbtq community can be sometimes
@@Shaytan.666 I mean I'm in it so it's more like... I am disappointed but in this case I feel it comes less from problems within the community and more problems with the way we raise men. Like for sure the gay male community especially has a complicated relationship with masculinity but it's more cause of patriarchy and less cause of an intrinsic property of gayness
Being a Disney adult is the most like derogatory gay thing one can be and a bath was pushing the limits??? It's so lonely being gay fr fr, half these dudes are six degrees of separation from reality to the point that even talking to them feels like regressing.
I think the "muscular, healthy, disciplined" image is also a form of self-soothing. If men all believe and truly think that the ONLY reason women don't like them is because they don't go to the gym, it makes it unncessary for them to reflect on what is wrong with their personalities. Instead of thinking "I am just a bad partner, and an inconsiderate lover, and that's why I don't get dates", they can think "oh these femoids just want a ripped gym bro, that's why they ignore me"
I think the only universally attractive thing is authenticity, and no woman is ever going to appreciate someone lying about who they are to get in their pants.
That's true but it is hard so hard at the same time. Asking to someone to be fully authentic which means being deeply vulnerable. Yeah some People could love you for that but how many will reject you because of how you truly are ?
@@JesseEko That's fair, but I think the only long term love that lasts has to be built on true authenticity
Why do automatically assume their personalities are bad and need fixing? That doesn't help anyone, let alone the viewers this video is directed to
No woman's ever been attracted to me, and it's not because I have a bad personality. I have friends with strong bonds and my co-workers like me. I get on well with people. I do self-reflect and try to improve myself where I have faults
I've been my authentic self for 24 years. Nothing...
Honest truth is there are plenty of people who are kind, considerate and empathetic who have never had romantic success and there are plenty of men who are callous, narcissistic and abusive who are romantically successful
@@painunending4610 Your personality is definitely the problem. Go seek therapy.
Sorry, but that's just not true, you can't figure out if a man is a bad partner or an inconsiderate lover if you don't even date them, such things are discovered when you engage with the person on an intimate level... Like, imagine seeing a guy that's not ripped and has insecurities, being awkward when talking to women, and your main takeaway is "yeah, he's a bad partner and an inconsiderate lover", like, how do you arrive to that conclusion if you've never seen them as a partner or a love? Those people don't get dates because they are not traditionally attractive and they lack confidence, they are rejected based on superficial reasons.
When I was dating about 14 years ago, I had this kind of internal conversation going. It finally dawned on me that I was in an "All or nothing" kind of scenario when I was dating. I needed to step back and reassess what I was doing and I came up with the conclusion that "whenever I went out I was going to have fun". I was going to go out, find things that were fun for me and have fun. Without even knowing it, I was being myself and the funny thing after that was suddenly my social calendar was full because fun people attract other people that like to have fun. It only took me till my early '40s to figure that out.
Yes, All of this…
oh that's so awesome, re: you figuring it out in your early 40s. am only in my mid-20s but as much as i try to reassure myself and my friends it's ok to figure things out at our own pace, the looming anxiety of being on a deadline is more easily soothed by real life example, y'know? thank you for sharing your experience, sir. o7
Fun means different things for everyone
Literally just came to the same conclusion, I used to be irritated by people just trying to have fun but now I get it
@@D3xterJettster You know what? You're right. For me I dove into my creative side. I sang, went to comedy shows. Talked to people just for the sake of passing time. I came home happy and satisfied with my nights out.
i appreciate people like you because i was insecure and ate all of the Tate media , i needed time to reflect and understand how it affected people around me . being selfish is mistaken as being a leader , its all about ego and never about community and acceptance
You’re lucky the more you realise it the more you improve as a person. Some people are still going through that rabbit hole.
Aye a true leader is made by his community not by himself
@@blink-my2955yes, it’s always good to know ur wrongs or realize ur issues. It’s first step to improving and shows ur not a complete shitty person.
Well done brother, happy you found the light and got away from this BS 🎉
Thank you ❤@@majora231
As a 5'8 man I really appreciate the transman talking about his acceptance of height. I've run into the same shit. A woman once told me if I were 2 inches taller, I'd be an 8/10. I fell into this trap of because I was on the shorter side, and women wouldn't like me (many won't) I even nearly fell down the rabbit hole of being an incel/nice guy and would neg women. It either didn't work or if it did the kind of women I'd attract weren't OK themselves and I was perpetuating an abusive cycle. Was I stopped caring about my height focused on finding common interests and most importantly treating women like people and not objects. That went a long way. Women are people and young men get conditioned to see women as a prize or symbol of value. Yet at 17 and 5'6 at the time I managed to date a woman who was 6 foot tall and looked like a model. Confidence, general interest and being interesting went further than my physical self ever did.
Edit: also for people think money is what makes a man valuable that's a condition of capitalism. I highly recommend the book "why women had better sex under socialism".
❤
The reason why you felt so shit wasn’t because you are short. It’s because you are a broke wagey that’s short. 😅 get your funds up
@John Milton low effort troll dude. You know nothing about me and my "funds".
Even if I were broke how is that an indictment on me and not the society that refuses to offer a basic standard of living to everyone?
5'8 isn't even that short, just one inch behind the average height, talk when when your at the low end like 5 - 5'4
Really? At 5'8? Aren't most women like 5'4 (in the US)? As a woman I am typically the tallest in the group and I am also 5'8. I kinda assumed the problems start at like 5'6.
The one year I did sports in high-school, everything changed. Had women just throwing themselves at me for one semester. I kinda didn't love it, it was an odd feeling having people who don't know you, fawning over you when they know nothing about you.
So in College I joined the campus events team and I got the same attention just from being the guy that posts the fliers and takes your ticket. It all just made me realize how people can really latch onto someone as long as they get a sense that they know you somehow.
So just being visible about your interests seems to go a long way...really just give people an excuse to be able to talk to you. People are weird, sometimes in a good way, they really enjoy connecting with someone new.
Or maybe you are just attractive.
As a nonbinary person, I super appreciate your ability to point out patterns of behavior without ignoring the complexities of gender and the queer community 👍👍
weirdo
sameee
@@yuzzi9190say thr guy being angry at somenody else's nature
@@yuzzi9190 What's weird about them or their comment?
@@sandensonThere's no complexities to gender.
When I went to a gym with personal trainers, the trainers who were women invariably gave me better, more positive experiences working out. The men seemed either unable or unwilling to believe 1) that I was there primarily for my health, to lose weight to improve my sleep and my asthma, 2) that to the extent that I wanted to change my appearance, I wanted to change it for my own sake, and not for the sake of some hypothetical other’s gaze, 3) that I wanted to get slender without looking “swole,” and I actively wanted to AVOID looking “swole,” 4) that my picture of masculinity was … me, already, that I didn’t want to put on some weird “man” mask that wasn’t already me, that I was happy with myself aside from needing to drop 30 to 40 pounds and firm up a little flab. The trainers who were women understood ALL four points IMMEDIATELY. The trainers who were men kept referencing bodybuilder physiques, and emphasizing “hardness” and “toughness,” and apparently couldn’t help but impose their peculiar values over mine. It’s bonkers, the silly crap men are are societally conditioned to put other men through.
I call it Masculine Fascism.
Ah, so you know exactly what it feels like to be "mansplained" to! 😂
Wow this is very noteworthy!!
very interesting story, thanks you for sharing!
Sounds like you had a bad experience, but that seems to be just yours. The personal trainers at my gym, both male and female, focus on your goals.... the female is a powerlifting competitor, and the male is a cyclist.
As a young brown man in his mid 20s shedding his hetronormative skin do be my authentic self, there is nothing but absolute love I have for everyone in this video and other videos within the black, left adjacent spaces.
Happy to hear this bro!
"heteronomative" this what ruined everything
@@hitto8863
how so? heteronormativity in south and south western asian culture is very rampant
What is hetronomative?
@@adghat7819 relating to a societal framework where straightness/heterosexuality is the default
I am a 15yo boy and stuff like this is really important never in my life have I had a girlfriend almost everyone I know has. I have been rejected seven times, but I still find find happiness within myself at the end of the day! Thank you for making videos like these F.D.
Well friend, I do hope you you forget about this useless girlfriend endeavor and focus on your future. If anything, girls don't want broke people.
I know it's cliché but you have lots of time. There will be more new people and big changes and tbh there will be more rejection. I've been rejected a lot. It sounds like you're already on the right track, though, and that self-determined happiness is a lot more stable than the average high school relationship.
There will be someone who accepts you for you at the right time.
@@yasiercurtis5342 Idk why you’re telling a 15yr old that girls don’t want broke people as if teenagers are adults with careers
@Pinnygames it’s dope to see someone your age watching this content! I had similar challenges at your age. I’m 23 now and I’ve found comfort & success in all my interactions by taking ownership of all my identities.
No one can tell me how much of a man I am/am not. No one/nothing can validate my sexuality. Only I can.
When I stopped feeling like I had to prove myself or have something to show, I developed a confidence that’s connected me to a lot of great people in my life. And I started this at 17! Best of luck to you on your journey
You’re 15, i know it may not feel like it but you’re still young! And don’t worry, im not gonna invalidate you. At this stage of life, companionship does feel very important and i would suggest focusing on forging strong friendships! Those are so fulfilling, and they aren’t any lesser than a romantic relationship. Keep working on yourself and doing what you love. You’ll be happier and love yourself more for it at the end of the day, and i know it’ll sound cliche but doing so really does help you find a partner easier (but that shouldn’t be your main reason for doing this!). Best of luck man, glad you find happiness within yourself everyday, seriously wish I was like that as a teen.
Realizing the image of an "attractive man" you take for granted and see all over the place is what men think women are attracted to and not what women are actually attracted to is so important and such an eye opener.
I still see plenty of women who are attracted to that image though?
Also women are not a monolith. They don't all think and act the same way. I'm an incel and even I know this ffs 🙄
The fact that incels are going to tell you, "well, I know women that do this" is what makes this even funnier. Women will eventually have a conflict with incel men even after years of being into a relationship.
Most women just want a healthy relationship. Sometimes they don't know how to get one because they were born into a society that's still getting rid of toxic thoughts.
was an honor to be a part of this! great video!
It was great hearing your perspective and experiences in this discussion! ^_^
It's strange how much those memories of being told "boys don't cry" still hurt.
Me and my best friend used to be routinely bullied throughout primary school (first 7 years after nursery/kindergarten) by the other boys in our class and I remember how whenever I cried, I kept being told by multiple different teachers (and the other boys obvs) that "boys don't cry" and whenever the bullying was brought up, they gave the hand wavey statement of "boys will be boys" and never tried to stop them, only gave us all punishments afterwards. One of the memories I still have is of being pushed down to the ground with my friend and being sat on by 2 of the heavier guys (from like a standing position, not like gently sitting down like a chair) and of the air being pushed out my lungs when they landed on me, and all that happened was that SOME of the boys (which included me and my friend) got told off and had 5 minutes taken away from the free time we had on a Friday, because after all "boys will be boys".
I’m sorry you had to endure that with no help from the teachers or adults who were there to protect you. 🖤
It was always girls who had my back at that age too with that stuff and yet guys expect some sorta gender loyalty lmfao
I'm so glad that didn't break your back or ribs, holy crap. I wish I could give your younger self a hug and chew those other boys out. No one deserves to be treated like that. As someone who is currently processing my childhood trauma, it makes all the sense in the world that people invalidating your self worth and shutting you down when you need them by telling you not to cry as a child still hurts.
@@devradenny8354 yea it fuckin sucked, but not all the teachers were like that just the ones who looked after the play ground and knew first aid. There were plenty of cool teachers too (though not many of em) like the teacher who set up the chess club for me and my friend (we weren't into chess, or at least I wasn't, but it kept us out of the play ground and away from the bullies) and he also was the first teacher who succeeded in teaching me maths by teaching it through gambling games (didn't know I had ADHD at the time so I REALLY struggled with school but he got me out of the bottom maths class and into the middle one) so It wasn't all bad and there were some who genuinely cared for the kids but just not the ones on the play ground
@@tengutheterrible8491 I'm just lucky I'm relatively sturdy and that they were young enough not to weigh too much, though I guess since I was also smaller that doesn't change too much. But thanks it means a lot to hear, I know my younger self would have appreciated that. (Also you have a really cool profile pic, massively jealous)
I'm so glad that you finally made this. Going back through a lot of your earlier content, it was clear that this was a topic you were building towards. The realization of that ambition is excellent. Hoping against hope that I can convince my brothers to watch.
same here with showing the brothers. Good luck ❤️ and thank you FD
Good luck!
My daughter sent me the link. I just sent her a long text telling her to stop suggesting videos to “trigger” me. LOL. The only parts of this video worth watching are the first five minutes and the last 15. 95% of what’s in the middle is woke nonsense that is pretty counter to the bookends I just mentioned. The “patriarchy” has nothing with a man needing to improve himself.
@@Roccofanbranding something “woke nonsense” is not a substantive critique, but communities a lot
@@mj.l If you’re fat and unappealing to women, is that the fault of “the patriarchy”?
As a woman, this video was so informative and eye opening. Not because it taught me something new, but it lays out masculinity from so many objective positions and it starts conversations. I’m very guilty of justifying man hating and using my trauma as proof when in reality we are all super complex people who are fucked up in different ways. Thank you for that, I feel a little more healed ❤
I am glad to see FD having these conversations. I am not a man so I can't understand these issues from that perspective, but these videos are helping me to rebuild empathy after many years of frustration poisoning.
I haven't watched it yet, but it's very reassuring that you say this.
same. the opportunity to expand my perspective is a really valuable one, especially since i don’t personally interact with many men, especially cishet ones.
Same! I wondered why, as an afab enby, I feel so fascinated and excited listening to men talking about issues with masculinity in this deep and empathetic way, but now I clearly understand it's because of how it helps me get back my own ability to empathize with these issues that I've kinda lost after years of struggling with a lot of young boys and then adult men in my life. Hearing it being explained and taken down without... weird implications? like this is such a healing experience, and I appreciate it so, so much.
❤❤❤
Frustration poisoning is a very nice way to put it. Also, same
I think the biggest takeaway I got from this video (though not to underscore all the other things said that were also extremely helpful and made me feel better) was said near the end. If you are feeling lonely, a relationship is not going to fill whatever is ailing you. I have struggled a lot with self-love as a big guy that has gone through traumatic experiences with bullying. I definitely need to find some way to love myself first before trying to find someone to dump that emotional burden on. This video came at a perfect time for me, so if you're reading this, thank you FD.
Wow that's crazy bro, but did I ask?
@@yasiercurtis5342 who tf are you?
i agree the black pill saved my life
@@AD-dg3zz Realty speaking. Who tf are you
The entire "'winter is coming' and THEN all you [slursforwomen] will NEED us [and thus submit to our psychosexual desires permanently and without complaint]" is just such an insane viewpoint to me for so many reasons. Perhaps the most sad/odious is that, stripped of patriarchal bias, this statement is explicitly an admission that not only do they not seem to be able to get a partner unless that partner is destitute and completely dependent upon them, but they hold such a power difference to be the ideal. And they wonder why women find "traditional masculinity" detestable!
And they tainted one of my favorite quotes from my favorite show 😒 soiled it!!! Ned didn’t have that in mind at all! Lmao.
The whole thing just reeks of insecurity.
"nobody could love me unless they need me." It kinda reads like that, and I kinda relate to that sentiment more than I'd like to.
It's such a sad ideology, as it suggests that literally the only reason a woman would want a man as a partner is because of some sort of transactional necessity. Men are valuable for more than their muscles or their dick, folks! They're people!
@@grouchypotatowolfpack5580 I mean, as a dude I’ve been told that exact statement my entire existence.
As a trans man myself, I am incredibly grateful you included us in the conversation. Not just referencing us but actually seeking out and including a trans man in the video. We are often left out of discussions around masculinity (especially in the Manosphere for obvious reasons) when we often feel the sting to prove ourselves as men even more acutely than cis men due to so much of society insisting our manhood is some kind of evil delusion, so thank you.
Woman* ,
A male can disfigure himself and become female like but being a male again is impossible. Males are number 1
^^ it took me, and a lot of my other trans guy friends a long time to realize that we still had to take care of our appearance and hygiene after transitioning. I know a lot of guys who barely showered or shaved (if they even did shave), and stopped taking care of their skin. There seems to be this weirdly normalized phase in transition for trans men where you just stop taking care of yourself to be more “masculine”. T totally changed my hair texture (my hair went from moderately wavy to very curly) and it took me a long time to realize I needed to learn how to care for curly hair. I resisted doing it because I was scared of being seen as “feminine”, but irl all it did was make my hair look really unkempt.
As a cis man, I've been seeking videos on gender, trans people and transphobia (usually made by trans people), because those are topics that I dismissed as unimportant - which is obviously not true - for far too long, and the trans perspective on gender, especially when they talk about their interactions with gender norms pre and post transition, to be extremely fascinating and thought-provoking, just by the premise that they've "performed" both genders.
Sisssy je 😂😂😂😂😂
Love your part about gay men. So, my first boyfriend had this bad. I knew he was fatphobic, but it wasn't until we went on a week long vacation and he immediately started freaking out at how "fat" he had gotten, and that it was so noticeable. We were living in Asia at the time, he had not gained any weight whatsoever. He eventually started to put that shame on me and I was unfortunately too young to stand up for myself.
We broke up because, surprise surprise, he had really bad intimacy issues which lead to an ugly bad break up that hurt my body image for a long time. He went on to deal with his emotions by going to the gym constantly, hoping to get that dream body and be one of the men he thought got laid constantly. 10 years later he still has intimacy issues, still has the same skinny body, and I've moved on and am finally happy with my own physique after a lot of self-work. I'm attracted to all sorts of body types but, ironically, find bigger men more attractive.
I know many gay men who want to find a man so they don't have to keep up the body, as if suddenly they won't fear judgement on that day.
EDIT just to say: You are such a masterful educator, and present such a good intersectional, feminist critique on men's issues that the world sorely needs.
Dude, the bear scene is dope. I’ve always liked bigger dudes, even when I was a twink (I’m a cub now, please excuse all the stupid labels, but you know what I mean) and it’s so much better than the “WeHo aesthetic” nonsense of abs and all that. Much better people, not as much bullshit drama (although there is always some no matter where you go) and bears give the best hugs. Period. Lol 😂
@@kaboomzzz Fuckin' right? I'm the same, twink to cub and I've always liked bigger dudes. I pretty much primarily move in bear spaces now. Sucks that it's becoming a bit more "cool" to be a bear now, at least in New England, and so things like bear week have more and more White Party types who grow a bit of body hair and thing that makes them a bear.
Confidence as a trait of a desirable man is not "I can do anything, I'm so cool"-confidence, but "I'm comfortable enough with who I am that I don't feel attacked or a need to constantly conform myself to other people's standards"-confidence. It's confidence as a sign of emotional maturity. And it's emotional maturity that is attractive.
I was initially attracted to my partner because he asked me questions and listened. Not to correct me, or debate or argue with me, or as a springboard to talk about himself. He was genuinely interested in what I had to say. I was in my mid twenties at the time and had never been listened to, really listened to before.
There's something inherently attractive in being seen as a person, not a means to an end. When people want something from you; you know. And it's immensely off-putting.
WE keep pointing everything to these guys but they won't ever listen.
They'll go listen to hours of BS from other men instead.
Endless cycle.
There's more to it than just listening lol. I do that all the time with women and get none. Trust me, women want more than just that
I agree with and understand what you're saying but I think it's worth being mindful of how much of an uphill battle socializing and particularly pursuing relationships can be for men. Rejection and rarely getting comparable experiences of being approached or having interest shown towards you that you put out towards women, makes how men gamifiy pursuing relationships makes sense. Not making excuses for bad behavior. I'm 27 now and I can't think of a time when a woman expressed romantic interest in me in a way that made me feel felt appreciated/respected, let alone a way that made me think this person sees my humanity.
I am confident
No woman's ever been attracted to me
People will disagree with this comment and try to refute it without knowing my experience, but I'm CONFIDENT about it and that's attractive right?
@@painunending4610 confidence isn't attractive to women. Game is or what I call charisma. Learn some lines and flirting techniques. Just being sure of yourself isn't good enough
Before we started dating, my wife described me as "charmingly obsessive" when I would talk about my passions and hobbies. At first I had to get a friend to help me figure out exactly what she meant by that, as didn't want to be creepy obsessive. What I ended up realizing was that being able to go into elaborate details about dinosaurs on a date (this happened on the first date) was actually a great at showing my curiosity and drive to learn, and it was these very aspects of myself learned through my hobbies that let me become a dedicated partner. Over the years I've had to learn A LOT, change, and grow and I'm fortunate my wife saw that ability within be even when at times I didn't recognize it within myself.
I have ADHD and fixating on various hobbies is my bread and butter. It makes me a really interesting person because I've tried a lot of things. I described myself as a serial hobby switcher on my dating profile and I definitely have a tendency to infodump when I'm excited about something. While my also ADHD boyfriend doesn't share that trait it's something he loves about me and I've learned to think of it as something that makes me interesting rather than annoying.
Ok but how tall are you?
@@mainao3443 ??? What does that matter sorry I'm confused
@@LunarRaevyn he most likely wouldn't even have gotten a date in the first place of he was short, it matters completely
@@mainao3443 did you even watch the video? My ex is 5'7 and we were together 7 years. He got a new girlfriend less than a year after we broke up. It's definitely harder if you're short but I promise if you can't get a date it's not your height that's turning off women.
Healing video. I’m 30 and this is stuff I’ve never had articulated this clearly and empathetically. I’m bisexual in a long term straight presenting relationship, and I’ve struggled with masculinity and my relation to it all my life.
I've had a number of chats with male friends in my life about this topic and the number one thing I always have reiterated to all of them is that they need to talk to and treat women like they are actual people. They all had the same "men are from Mars women are from Venus" attitude towards women and they kept wondering why it was so hard for them when trying to date. The moment they started interacting with girls like they were boys, i.e. as equals, drastic improvements in their dating experiences and general ability to interact. A lot of men have deeply dehumanizing attitudes towards women and it holds them back massively more than anything else. Getting them to break through that barrier I've often found is the first real step for them not just to be happier with women, but to ditch their patriarchal upbringing.
10000% but they won't LISTEN.
How long have we been saying this, and how long yet do we need to repeat this?
They have massive amount of books/videos/friends/coaches telling them otherwise: and they believe THEM instead of us.
It's insane. No logic! WHY follow men's advices when OBVIOUSLY if they were working, a lot less men would be having trouble?
They're ruining it for themselves but also making women hate them all: but of course then it's still our fault.
Young boys (and more men) are getting radicalised by the likes of Tate, Peterson etc. There are so many out there! They have huge fanbases and it spreads like a virus.
@Cougnaud Services
I don't know if you're joking or....
How do you treat guy friends? Like human beings??
I love video games, been playing since I was a little girl (and I'm F good at them). I don,t scare easily at all, despite popular belief that all women do. Love comic books. I love to draw too. Love to write parodies about games I like. I fart, burp and laugh about myself like any balanced human being is capable of doing. I love gore. I love to make people laugh and I am good at jokes.
I love science. Love dinosaurs. Love all sorts of movies that ''only men like'' etc.
Put down those stereotypes. Sure some women exist that ARE the opposite and are just made of stereotypes: but a lot of guys are also this. It ruins it for everyone. But women differ from each other, just like men can.
There are so many things that men and women can have in common: but toxic people make it seem like the tiny gap is instead a very huge one: as if we come from different galaxies.....
To give you an idea, when I was a kid I wanted to become a professional sniper....No man on this earth would ever think that of a little girl, and yet.....
Or an archaeologist. And due to playing Resident Evil from so young, I wanted to become a virologist too! All those things that girls/women want: BECAUSE WE'RE HUMANS TOO.
This is 100% the answer. So much of the toxic masculinity pipeline is built upon the belief that women are objects to be pursued, not humans. When I went through that, as a young man, compared to how I am now, it's sickening how I used to think about women.
@ThePi314Man I (growing up as a girl) went to an all-girls school and was quite introverted so I barely talked to anyone at my school let alone men much at all (outside of family/teachers) until I went to uni. When I did go, I remember being around so many men (and women) and at first having that culture shock, then realising I should just treat them like I did women. Which was like people who happen to have gender rather than gender first. I'm glad that clicked for me so quickly, that being immersed in that environment really helped. It's much easier to have conversations where you actually get to know someone if you treat them like a person first.
So I related weirdly much to this for having been in such a different situation.
It's much more challenging if your background/the people around you don't treat people as people first regardless of gender, because they reinforce that behaviour in everyone around them. So there's some uphill battle there if you're surrounded by toxic people. But your mind is your own, no-one else can see into it and no-one else has any right to it.
Im dying because multiple times my guy-friends have asked me why a girl didn't like something they did, and I'm like "well you're a person. Would YOU like it if someone came up behind you and touched your back in a weird way? Or made a weird comment about your appearance? Or tried to explain to you your own taste in music?" and they're just flabbergasted. "but it's different, I'm a dude." and its like nah bro, you're a human and she's a human. Try something crazy and give anthropomorphizing women a shot.
I can very much relate to Foreign Man saying he felt like a chubby kid, in a fit body. Even when you get the desired attention, you don't know how to receive it because mentally you tell yourself you still are not good enough. But, for sure nobody made me feel more insecure about my body than other men. Amazing video, I hope it does well.
As a former semi obese person I still have trouble receiving compliments from men and women even when they are COMPLIMENTS.
I was abused by my dad and was bullied in mid/high school by other insecure teenagers early on. As I lost weight I felt confident but had a hard time adjusting to the attention of women and accepting my new "look" due to being that tubby guy deep down inside.
I really needed to hear that teaching boys not to cry is abuse. I've known it was a bad or shitty thing to do to a kid, but hearing how plainly you expressed it with language that communicated real harm - it moved something within me. I'm still dealing with the consequences of parents who were so worried how their "effeminate" child was going to be perceived that it prevented them from responding to my needs as well as damaging my ability to express myself or ask for help in healthy ways. Because I was taught "not to be so sensitive" it's been almost impossible for me to validate my own issues because that voice in the back of my head is telling me maybe I'm just too dramatic or weak. It's so important that we have people like you using their platforms to verbalize this because it really can change lives for the better.
Thank you so much for your kindness and all of the thoughtful work you put into your content.
I'm an indigenous woman with Black/Indigenous children. Navigating this world, especially with young sons whose friends (mostly white) eating up the red pill Manosphere is terrifying. It's terrifying raising a daughter in this world. Beyond grateful to find your content!!
Yeah make sure your daughter learns to understand that men are simple we just want peace and to do fun things or to be left alone or understood and the only way to know is by having conversations with men and taking que...the guys that you have to ask those are usually the psychopaths or your daughter slow😂 thats how simple we are..the guys who make understanding them difficult have nothing to do with them they the devil...
Terrifying raising a daughter😂 another woman overreacting
@@BarronBarca yes. Because I bet you're raising children so you understand sooo well. 🤪
@@BarronBarcaconsidering almost every woman I know was sexually assaulted before the age of 18, yes it is terrifying raising a daughter knowing that no matter how hard I try to protect her, I can't save her from everything. I can't watch her 24/7 or make her decisions for her. I just have to do my best and hope that any mistakes I make do not result in disasterous consequences for her. I have to think twice who I trust, who I allow in my life, and what I allow her to participate in, knowing that all of that preparation means nothing in the face of a predator who believes they are entitled to her body.
you guys really hate white men huh ?
This video has done more for my abysmal self esteem and mental health than practically anything else, at least concerning self image. I'm not about to go all Peterson apostle and say you saved my life, but this has absolutely made me feel better living it.
From a mixed kid who's been too pale for anyone to realise I'm Viet, thank you FD.
Hang in there, be kind, and value yourself and you'll hit your stride.
The importance of this channel, its discourse, and contents' messages cannot be overstated.
This is the most gas lighting content
@@mainao3443 tell me you didnt watch the video without telling me
@@sleeptalkenthusiast I've watched it, it's all cope info, personality doesn't get you in relationships it's looks, looks and height is what gets your foot in the door
@@mainao3443
I agree with you to a certain degree the stats prove your point aswell, It might also depend on your country.
I'm like 6'2, In decent shape, not ugly yet I have never been approached or capable of landing into a relationship. Probably cause I am a Nigerian in Europe (Born in Europe btw)
@PCommo then all that's left to do is talk to women and be friends with them, idk about the UK, But a lot of white wo.en in the U.S. would love to go with a tall good looking black guy
I get a lot of confusion from young men when they find out how much I have gotten around because as a relatively average nerd, they assume I have zero game. A big thing is having interests you are passionate about. Very seldom do I go out with a woman, even a nerdy one, that knows much about comic books, but the passion I have behind the medium and other things that I care about is something that multiple women have expressed is one of the hottest non-physical traits I have going for me, along with generally not being a misogynistic prick.
I was definitely an incel in high school and college who didn't understand that despite my "nice guy" attitude, I had negative feelings about women and to seek what the relationship I thought I was "owed", I fell into pickup artist red pill nonsense. It wasn't until I got deradicalized and learned to love myself that my game started to develop and I've never been happier.
Why do women find things like passion and shit attractive? What is wrong with them? Where do I find women who aren't like that and don't give a shit about a guys having passion?
I'm not that passionate of a person. I'm just not. Should I force myself to be that, to be something I am not?
It's all such utter bullshit (sorry for expressing myself and being vulnerable, I know it's disgusting)
How tall are you?
it’s 55% about looks lol
@@justaguy7589 Exactly. Even if you're not the best liquor, you have a 45% chance of winning people over by just being a good and interesting person.
@@ComicDrake I was with you until you said your game improved. If you still view it as a game, I’m worried for you and your partners. (I understand it is a slang phrase for being good with women, but relationships should not be transactional. Using the word game implies manipulation and ulterior motives.)
I’m glad you are doing better socially, but I hope you don’t view women as a prize to be won. It’s one thing to realize that you have put in effort to be a positive companion that people want to be around, it’s another thing to be like, “I have interests now so I win! I’ve figured out how to get women to like me!”
(Please stop me if I’m being to presumptive)
I was listening to the audio version of this video at about 9.30pm doing bicep curls because i feel like my biceps are not big enough and therefore i am not enough despite my 5 year training consistancy all under the gaze of looks maxxing so i can be so attractive and irresistible to all women whilest driving a fleshy Mercedes benz.
I am doing all of this whilst i have to be up at 4.30am in the morning the next to get to work so i can repeat the whole cycle again.
I hate to say it but i am a victim of patriarchy and i dont think i will ever stop doing this to myself because its so ingrained in me that i dont see any other way.
I am not working out because i want to be healthy , i am doing it for more attention from the opposite sex.
Thank you for your work, you are doing something really amazing and i wish more young man could see this.
This video could not be more timely. I just finished reading Kiese Laymon's Heavy, and there are many parallels between this carefully crafted video and Laymon's experiences with his body and ideas around desirability and masculinity. As a Black cis-hetero woman, I have been thinking a lot about my body in ways I have not thought of previously. The body as a site for productivity, joy, sensuality, and trauma... What does it mean to fully inhabit your body? How does one unconditionally love their body within a society constantly telling us it should look and be different? I discovered your content a few months ago through Kim at For Harriet. I really appreciate your work unpacking the various ways patriarchy harms us all. Keep at it, FD!
As a larger guy who is currently going bald, I think I really needed a video like this. As hard as it may be to accept, you have to be comfortable in your own skin before anything else. Learning that GUYS are the ones that seem to pay attention to you at gyms as you bulk up, rather than women, was pretty eye-opening.
Don't worry, F.D....my beard doesn't fully connect either.
A decade ago I lost 50 lbs and most of the dudebros who would not give me the time of day were friendly to me even though I knew them a year prior. It was jarring to see how even men can be shallow.
Surprisingly I still got hit on even thought I was and am still out of shape. Subjective taste is real guys!
So what does he want his beard to connect to....? As a non-beard-haver, that went right over my head
@@lyndonwesthaven6623 I think he mostly means his beard is thinner in some places, so it isn't as full as other people's beards. Mine is pretty thin in places too; just doesn't grow in at all.
@@strategist9 Ahhhh, thanks!
My bf is currently obsessed by the idea that he has "beard holes" and points out other men that have them as well. :D
"if you do want your trad wife maybe consider unionizing" is the best line out of this video
this is like his best edited video yet for sure
based
What does it mean?
I don’t want any wife. I have posed myself the ultimate question. What can women do for you? The answer was…. Nothing. 😂
@@insomniacresurrected1000 So you want a husband?
fucking love you man. it's so healing to see that men like you exist.
The "boys don't cry myth" is partly because people believe that boys are easier, so they make sure they are by not actually raising them. But I wish more people would point out that girls are also often shamed for crying. Most people are as children because the adults around us find it annoying, if we just treated children better the world would improve drastically
They are easier
THIS!
@@playboicarlos .... bruh at this point, just say that you refuse to believe that the main person's comment was right.
@@miss_chelles1338 hey, opinions are like assholes, everybody has one. You have yours and I have mine.
@@playboicarlos Holy shit, I'm stealing that
As a bisexual/pansexual male who has been in plenty of straight and gay relationships, that "gay male have more body issues and self-esteem problems" take hits hard. It's always funny to me when people say "just go gay" to straight lonely men because if you know, you know. A lot of guys I've dated have almost obliterated my self-esteem especially since many just see me as a "dom" or "top" and want me to treat them that way since I'm 6'4 and somewhat attractive and they never want me to show my emotions or feminine side. Meanwhile, I've had much more success with women because they allow me to show my more feminine side in an emotional sense but not always in the physical. I still struggle with body image issues but at least my self-esteem isn't just completely shattered because I'm not an emotionless sex robot and can express my beliefs with my fiancee.
I feel like we all have so many hang ups about sex and identity.
@Nathan Vargas it's just as weird over there my friend
I'm straight and as a teenager my biggest insecurity was that a girl wouldn't want me due to my penis size. Being black, I thought black men were supposed to be hung like horses and if not, then I wasn't a real man worthy of love. It took therapy and understanding that preferences are complex and based on individuals that that's a lie and learning the racist history of the BBC myth really drove home that I didn't and shouldn't need to subscribe to that standard and be happy with myself and body.
This was an amazing video. As a trans man, I really appreciate you mentioning trans people in these discussions. Usually people look at us with shame and get second hand embarrassment just seeing us exist. You aren’t ashamed to include us, and your channel has really helped me feel less ashamed of myself. Thank you for opening my mind to so much perspective!
Trans men .., the perfect people to go to for how to attract cis women lmao
@@sadscientist9995 trans men can date cis women tho???? And due to their life experiences, trans men on average tend to be kinder and more understanding lovers.
I think I really needed to hear this today. The part about being groomed into masculinity made me cry in my car. I've never heard that before. I feel so much sadness for all the men who have never internalized that message before I can't even begin to describe how much this video has fucked me up in a good way. Thank you 🙏
If I might ask, how are boys/young men groomed into masculinity?
Woman love Keanu Reeves and Pedro Pascal. They aren't looks maxed or whatever- they're genuinely nice dudes. They're funny, they're respectful, they're kind. Yeah they're decent looking but they aren't like unattainable types of male beauty. The Keanu and Pedro type of attractiveness is SO ATTAINABLE for regular men, because that's just what they are. They seem safe, they seem like allies, they seem like they'd be respectful and pleasant to talk to. The roles people love them in are the ones where they have a wholesome, soft side. Yeah they both have Protector or Badass Warrior roles as well, but even then those roles are grounded in a decent guy character. All you have to do is be decent. Pedro being a trans ally makes him 400000% more attractive to me, it's BADASS that he doesn't care what any stodgy old bigots say he just stands by what he thinks is Right. It's punk af to be kind. It's manly as hell to respect others and stand up for them. NEITHER of them are ripped or anything but you'd have an easy time finding women online who'd jump at the chance to get with them. It's easy to go to the gym and flex in the mirror and push the Patriarchal Standards with the entire force of society behind them. It takes much more strength not to go with that pressure and to be kind when the societal mob is encouraging men to be misogynist or to stifle their own emotional development, etc. Men who don't ascribe to toxic masculinity and harmful patriarchal ideas are SO attractive as partners and friends and colleagues.
uh, both those men are EXTREMELY traditionally handsome.
@@claynorth964yes, but not the sigma/alpha male stereotypical, which is what they mean. They are those huge chin, ripped muscles. They lean, even old now. But what appeals for them is the care and compassion. That's why all "attractive" guys in Hollywood do more romcoms than action, the sensitive personality is more attractive than anything else
@@claynorth964 If you followed any of the fandom surround them, especially Keanu Reeves you'll see a lot of the fascination with him has very little focus on him being attractive. Especially when you see the content itself. It's less Keeanu posing and flexing, and it's more him pouting, laughing, saying nice things, expressing himselves. And lots of clips from movies where the character he's portraying is showing vunerability.
I think for a lot of men they hyper-focus on the attractiveness of other men, but they don't actually pay attention to how those attracted to those men, actually see them. Sometimes being "hot" is a + but that's all it is. An extra topping on the actual meal itself.
Aside from them, I think Adam Driver is sexy lol
@@claynorth964 I need you to Google image search those guys, then look at them. Really just genuinely *look* at them. They are both Just A Guy, in terms of looks. Think of the average guy around you, then look at their candid photos. Those two guys are Just Guys. Everything that makes women go rabid for them cannot be purely just their looks.
Ngl having done ballet with only girls and team sports with other mainly cis boys definitely helped with emotional development as a kid. Especially doing that shit in the south, where something like dance is considered feminine and definitely made me a target of bullying in some instances, I think it was still much more of a healthy upbringing than if I had parents or older brothers who would’ve made me adhere strictly to a traditionally (American) masculine identity. The older guys in dance that I saw growing up always seemed much more easygoing and well-adjusted with their own sense of self and especially with girls, and it made these manosphere grifters seem very transparent. Turns out being around women and being friends with them helps you see them as other people and not just a mysterious “other” that misogyny would have u believe
No such thing as cis.
@@--------RR007---------- yes such thing as cis
My wife likes my legs too. Something that I found undesirable: i.e. large hips; very large thighs and calves (can't to fit into stupid thinner pants) is something that was found desirable. She was likely to find skinny legged men. Also what sold me to her was lacking the "Macho" attitude. I was just supportive and helped to create security: financial, domestic, or emotional. I do like the new "Mountain" male role as a desirable trait. That is someone who is supportive, stable, and is there for their partner.
You really nailed it man, confidence and self love is everything. However the road there isn't a quick fix. It took me years of therapy and a lot of self examination and inner work before I could even think loving myself and being comfortable in my own skin was possible. But it is possible, so anyone in a dark place, please keep this in mind and remember, hope and compassion will illuminate the path forward, no matter how fake it might feel to believe so.
I didn't have self love or confidence. People treated me like I was invisible
So I worked to build my self love and confidence. People still treated me as invisible
Your experience is not universal mate. Self love and confidence didn't change anything for me
@@painunending4610I see you replying to a lot of comments here. I get the impression that you’re struggling with something, and I extend my compassion to you.
It’s great that you’ve worked on your self-confidence and self-love. I know what hard work that is, and I commend you for that. I’ve been working on the same thing for years now. Still, I know I have a long way to go. Sometimes I care too much about what other people think of me.
Truly secure people aren’t preoccupied by what other people think of them because they know that they’re valuable in and of themselves. I hope to be that secure one day, and I believe you can get there too. Same to anyone else who reads this. We got this!
I’m 22 and I don’t consider myself quite the boy anymore I was yet still plenty to learn about masculinity and being a man
This video was really helpful and gave me better insight than my father ever did
Thank you
I’m 21 yr old myself and I still feel like 2 kids in a trench coat when it comes to being an adult
there’s still so much to learn
FD I don't have anything else to say for this video but thank you. This video saved me from so much anxiety. And what's frustrating is that it was simple this whole time. I really sat and asked myself, "who said it wasn't ok to be you?". I feel so much more confident in my reserved self and I no longer feel the need to change who I have always been, I've finally accepted it
You need a therapist.
Seek help playa.
As a cis-het woman, I can assure you that we are not all attracted to alpha types, and that reserved men are much sexier to a lot of us. Guaranteed. 😊
@@rachelgilbert3164the exception doesn’t make the rule.
@@thelegend3965 my argument is that “the rule” doesn’t actually exist with the same strength that men have been told it does. Women who dislike “alphas” and prefer more reserved types are definitely out there. Zero percent of my female friends think Chads are sexy
@@rachelgilbert3164 my point is that this video says women are changing, and don’t want the “Alphas” anymore, and you say that you prefer reserved men, fair enough. But women ain’t changing, and you are an exception to the rule (that DOES exist). Men and women have primordial attractions, and a majority of women are attracted to alpha males, and strong independent, successful men. This is why a guy who’s reserved and loser, probably isn’t gonna make it very far in life with women, because the majority don’t want “reserved”. That was the point I was trying to make, by saying that the exception doesn’t make the rule.
I still don't know what makes men attractive - but whenever I look at my body I hear my mother when I was like 12 telling me if i didn't lose weight I'd never find someone willing to love me. My mother has since apologized, but I can't stop remembering it. Hearing that, from my own mother, I fear it has permanently scarred me.
Man I am so sorry that happened to you :( parents can say incredibly damaging things.
I have similar experiences, but will say that therapy does a lot. Definitely investigate. The damage may not go away but it can change to mean less, and change to mean something different to you
I'm 18 and this is really helping me understand some business, thank you.
This was beautiful FD, this why I love your content men, the relatability is through the roof.
While I wouldn’t consider myself “undesirable”. I didnt grow an inch over 5’8”, I was heavily into anime, scronny, had issues with my speech.
In an effort to up my social currency, I upped my weight and tried to what every other black dude did. It didnt help, people saw right through me lol.
It wasnt till after highschool, when I fell in love with the arts, I unlocked my potential . Like your homie, I was gentle, artsy, different and myself ( didnt hide my speech issues, or my love of liberal arts) -and soon after I was swimming it lmao.
I came to realize while I had an idea framework to look a certain type of way. Cause i did get the attention when I put on muscle and excelled at sports. It was my interests my genuine personality that sealed the deal on 70+ % of my dating experiences. Looking good was not even half the battle.
edit : I also want to add, fine tuning my social skills also came in super handy. As well as building up virtues like patience and empathy, toward everyone not just men or women. I learned that women were human, early in life. And although I almost fell victim to the manosphere nonsense a few years ago, after some bad experiences. Those early lessons were some key reasons as to why I was able to rid my system of the toxins.
Having been deep into gym culture and "liftin' bro", I can 100% corroborate that the people looking at your body the most are other men. And (as a cis dude) your gym crush isn't a lady you'd like to date, it's the bigger guy you'd like to be more like.
To some, this is very true.
There's a lot of guys that are in that gym because they know that if they do not do that, then they will not have the opportunities that gym bros regularly do.
😂😂😂that's funny never thought of it like that. But I guess it does apply for many who are trying to work towards an 'ideal'
There is actually statistical proof that getting in great shape gets you more options then not being in great shape. You guys are just coming up with excuses.
@Fourtwo561 bruh where did I claim being fit doesn't help? I dropped 50lbs and was treated different. Did you even watch the video? FD explicitly states being in shape improves chances. But there's a point of diminishing returns that can even cross into being counter productive. Don't be a slob but like don't obsessively chase that sub 10% body fat. Wisdom is knowing when good enough is good enough and to not let perfection stand in the way.
@@matttran7161 my dude you clearly said 100% other dudes notice the most in your comment lol. Women notice a lot too they just better at hiding it. And yes you are right about being to much is bad I agree with you there, but to much is STILL like 50x better than not much.
I remember my dad's greatest piece of dating advice. It was the same "be yourself" but backed up by "I impressed a lot of women on first dates when I acted like someone I wasn't. Trying to do that all the time was exhausting, so I stopped. And then all those women realized they didn't like me. So then I started being myself upfront and it got a lot easier."
I pretended to be someone I wasn’t as well when dating and honestly all that did was made me hate myself, so i’d rather be myself and be disliked than pretend to be someone else, be liked by other people but be hated by myself
Yeah, my wife said her vagina belongs to me and now we have handsome little boy.
Yup. My boyfriend has freely admitted that he pretended to be someone else when we first started dating. (I didn’t realize it at the time, but he was significantly drunk, and kind of on bravado auto-pilot, during most of our initial dates. Now, I can generally tell when he’s intoxicated, but I missed it initially because he’s a person that’s able to be quite drunk without the normal physiological tells - like slurring or stumbling - being evident.)
He ended up coming clean with me about his problems with alcohol, and I actually like who he really is; but years later, he’s still got this nagging worry that I only like him for the person he pretended to be while more-or-less blacked out. It seems like it really haunts him, and it sucks, because I actually love the real him, but nothing I can say seems able to relieve him of that worry.
In a world where young men in society are beginning to reject these messages and seemingly are returning back to a conservative mindset. I really feel like your content helps the youth, especially the minorities on how to liberate our mind and embrace who we are as opposed to conforming our minds to what is “socially accepted”. I am a big fan of this bro, as a 20 year old mixed raced young man, social media has been riddled with these right wing opinions and messages that try to oppose the “woke agenda being pushed” and when you dive into this stuff with such a young and impressionable mind, you tend to start to believe what these right wings media faces have been saying. Your content has really helped me grasp who I am and originally intended to be as well as giving me a better understanding of what I believe is right! Keep going!
He still wants you to conform to what is socially acceptable, just what HE thinks is socially acceptable
@@painunending4610 i was gonna say the same thing and that according to him he was young and impressionable.... like your fucking 20. You still are.
To the OP: Stop letting political activists dictate what you should think is right by giving you an answer to a question you havent had the chance to workout on your own. My advice to you is get out of the left/right, individualist/collective bullshit that is pushed to the forefront, and go do your own searching and researching to make up your "own" mind on issues. Check out both side when you hear some wild shit and check the middle to see if it true or false.
Following along is how you become a lamb lead to slaughter. Wish you the best.
@@painunending4610Not really, he's stating out facts and lettings us decide for ourselves. To which most agree with.
The point about hobbies is so true. My self esteem has risen significantly since picking up clay figure sculpting. I’m not very good at it yet, but the process of practicing and improving little by little in an art has fulfilled me in a way nothing else has.
nah you really deserve all this success, as a 21 year old black bisexual woman that was suffering at the hand of this manosphere influenced moment, you have come in and filled an absolutely vital vaccum for boys in understanding their disenfranchisement - i don't say this lightly when i say I have never liked what any male creator had to say up until you because i can see in front of me how you have shot to such popularity and how many boys are probably evading the manosphere pipeline because of how good you are at dissecting society as a whole, it's real harm reduction, us as women this grooming that you discuss results in violence for us out in the world and i just want to commend you because more men hearing a man like you is revolutionary and creating better boys thank you!!!! this work was always left to women to try and deprogram men from misogyny so they'll be less violent to us, more men need to take a leaf out of your book and realise men's issues and dysfunctions in this world can only be intimately understood and worked out in community with diverse men.
you've given me hope again that decent humane men can exist, wow at 21 i was really starting to think men like this don't exist or have to be significantly older than me to have this sound an approach.
so BRAVO FD, big bravo!!!!!
Yes!!!!!!
I agree, my god
Seriously? "You given me hope that decent, humane men can exist again"? They already exist. It sounds like you have an exaggerated negative perspective of men as a whole. While I don't agree with everything the manosphere says they do make good points sometimes & speak from experience on how women & the world treat and view men. When they address their problems & experiences its instantly dismissed instead of being fairly analyzed, dissected and critiqued because all of the manosphere, incels & MGTOW are bad according to society. When they are completely ignored & demonized it makes the problem worse.
I've always been left, but I also had issues with self worth and I'm so grateful to F.D, his videos have helped me learn, and saved one of my best friends from the manosohere.
One really important thing about "being yourself" is that it can take work too - meaning, identifying who you are isn't a finite process, and the skills required to "be yourself" effectively can shift wildly over time. In other words, "being yourself" has a degree of skill attached to it in and of itself. There's a reason self discovery is such a persistent thread through so many people's lives. We change both intentionally and unintentionally over time, and every single time we have to absorb the impact of this change, for better and for worse. For me, I thought for the majority of my adult life that I was an introvert, and always will be. Well, at 28 I have learned that I am, in fact, not an introvert, and I'm still trying to adapt to that and what that means, because even one evolution in one aspect of your personality can affect every aspect of your life, far beyond dating. So this advice, in my opinion, can fall flat precisely because it takes very honest, open introspection to execute, and that's a skill that can take years to work out. Plus, doing it compassionately is also pretty important. The language of self improvement in a lot of these communities of men reads as very self hating and flagellating. It equates difficulties or challenges with actual suffering and overly controlling behaviors. You can push yourself out of your comfort zone and experience external hardship without being an asshole towards yourself, especially if a lot of this behavior is the result of a very poor understanding of your own wants and needs.
Can I ask how you went from feeling like you were an introvert to discovering that you aren't? Do you think you changed, or you were just a shy extrovert?
@@Dazuperstar It's a long answer, but I'll keep it short. I was a very social kid, outgoing and a natural leader. However, as life went on and things happened, I had mental health struggles that made me a lot more reclusive, fearful and easily fatigued. I just assumed my disconnection from people and my desire to be alone were my personality. Fast forward to making major life changes (including living alone in a foreign country for years, a major breakup etc.) and going to therapy, and I realized that being alone constantly, like I thought I wanted, was just as bad as having no alone time. I need both to be happy and energized. I try not to label and categorize my personality anymore, and I think that's actually helped more than trying to constantly pathologize everything about me. Plus, I made a real effort to strengthen my bond with my loved ones and grow my social circle, and finding good people makes you approach socializing very differently - a privilege rather than an anxiety inducing chore. I hope that helps!
You're very mature for 28! Keep being you.
I love this point. “Being yourself” means learning about yourself and that in itself can be a journey. People change and grow over time. And if you’re having personal struggles like social anxiety for example (which I’ve had my whole life) that can hinder your ability to experience who you truly are, what you’re truly capable of, or the things you truly desire.
I know for me despite being mostly socially isolated, I deeply desire connection with people. I’m still working on myself and learning what is that makes me happy. Just in a general sense I sometimes have a hard time knowing what I like or don’t like, what will work for me or not work for me.
I’m still learning how to actually BE myself because I have mental struggles that often get in the way of that.
My problem with 'be yourself' is that the self is fluid, most people are different at 15 and 25 and that's usually a good thing. I agree about the idea 'be your best self' and I think that might be why guys who get a sense of fulfilment from excercise often seem to be better both in dating and in life than guys who do it purely to 'get women'.
Thank you for this! My boys are watching this in 30 minutes segments. Boys need to hear it from others not just their dad. I can tell it resonated.
Personally in my experience, having friends that are girls was probably the biggest single eye opener when it comes to understanding women 😂
Ironically
Me as well. Seeing how they see the world and experience social situations is eye opening.
I have female friends and still don't 'understand' women because that's a flawed concept
@@painunending4610 lol what do you mean
@@SceroticI think maybe he means like just bc you’re surrounded by women and welcome their energy doesn’t mean you’ll ever full understand what it’s like to be a woman and the way they see/experience the world. Correct me if I’m wrong tho!
I feel like teenagers can really learn this lesson from "Pride and Prejudice". It's 210 years old, but it's a masterpiece for a reason. Of all the Bennett daughters, Jane and Eliza are really the ones any man should pursue. Eliza is a confident, beautiful, brilliant, willful, outspoken woman that is humble, truthful, and compassionate as well. She knows who she is, she knows what she wants out of life, and she's not willing to compromise on the important things. Even if she were somewhat plain-looking, she'd be a girl you'd talk to for hours and be enthralled by.
However, she is very judging, and when she first meets Fitzwilliam Darcy, his pride and conceit causes her to have a terrible impression of him (first impressions DO matter). This poisons her opinion of him for a large portion of the novel, regardless of his actions to the contrary on several occasions. Eventually, things come to light and she hears more about him from people who have actually known him for years or worked for him and his family (a good rule of thumb---always judge people by how they treat subordinates, not by how they treat "equals") and discovers that he is far and away a much better person than she initially realized, and that her prejudice blinded her to his reasoning for previous actions. Conversely he learns that he comes off as conceited, hubristic, and dismissive to many people without reason, and spends a great deal of the novel (off page, the story IS about Elizabeth after all) trying to correct that. The moral of the story is not to let first impressions totally influence every interaction with someone, but also to emphasize the difference between a "nice guy"/scoundrel, and an actual man of value Darcy is a man of value, even without his fabulous wealth. Darcy is a man of value because of who he is, his actions and deliberation, and the lengths he will go to for others with little regard for himself.
Guys, if you want to find an Eliza, a woman worth being with, one who knows herself and will be herself, who will call you out for your failings and make you improve, and be the kind of life partner you actually want to spend your life with, you need to be an actual "man of value". By and large, that has almost nothing to do with what you have, or how you look---it's all about being who you are and showing that. Looks and toys are great, they can catch someone's attention. But holding their attention requires the person you are being WORTHY of attention. And vice versa, because beauty doesn't mean anything if they are vain, callous, and small-minded.
Yet I know plenty of men who are valid, small-minded and callous who have success with women
Meanwhile I'm all the things this video says is desirable and I haven't had my first kiss at 24
Why do I keep reading this shit. Why do I keep listening to lies
In a world full of Wickhams, be a Darcy.
That last point is so important and something that the manosphere completely ignores. It's a common issue in our media as well. They only ever talk about the process of attracting a woman. The superficial things you need to get their attention, thus the incel focus on physicality and wealth. They NEVER talk about how that relationship should be maintained outside of the complete subjugation of their female partner, to the point where one wonders if they actually want a woman or a robot. They never talk about what you as a man can bring to the table outside of wealth and looks. They never encourage boys to be worth knowing, let alone worth having sex with. They don't teach them how to converse with people or how to make your romantic intent known without subterfuge and gaslighting.
But it goes back to the fact that patriarchy doesn't see women as human. They see us as puzzles to unlock. I saw one metaphor about women being a toaster or slot machine and the men in the manosphere are baffled as to why the machines want to be treated as people like men are.
@@grandempressvicky6387 Most men can't even generate hat initial attraction and have to work tirelessly to do it. Your talking about the finish line, they can't pass the first hurdle
Like I said I'm all the things described in the video. I am a worthy, valuable, desirable man and I can't generate that initial attraction so nothing ever happens
Explain the Kardashian and women making them billionaires.
This is a fantastic video. I’ve been struggling with body image my whole life, but particularly the last year, as I had to take a hiatus from the gym and gained a ton of weight cause I was still eating like I was heavy weight training. I’ve talked to my wife, and no matter how many times she tells me she prefers the body I have now, it’s hard for me to accept cause of the toxic masculinity permeating through everything in this end-stage capitalist hell. Thanks, FD, for putting this out.
Also, we need to take a moment to acknowledge something: male attractiveness has been under attack for a while now, well over a decade, and men have been desperate for relief and reassurance and a way out of this echo chamber constantly trying to tell us we need to be better, we need to be bigger, stronger, more sexual, etc. But we really need to take a minute to recognize that women have been subjected to this psychological warfare for DECADES. Centuries, even. If men are exhausted and miserable, just think how women feel…
☝🙌🙌🙌🙌
I remember a few years ago, Hugh Jackman was on the cover of men's fitness, and a different magazine that was marketed to women. There was a massive contrast in the presentation - on men's fitness it was al muscles and veins, on the women's magazines he was wearing a very homely sweater that didn't reveal too much of his musculature.
There are women attracted to the homely Hugh, there are women attracted to aggressive Hugh, there are women attracted to both, there are women attracted to neither. There is no such thing as the female gaze
Women are not a monolith. I'm an incel and I know this. What's your excuse?
Growing up I though I had to be a redpill “alpha male” to get the girls I wanted. And since I didn’t fit the mold of a strong tall muscular man I didn’t even try to talk to them. I still had a few gfs few and far between but no relationship would last because I had soo much insecurity.
It took years for me to recognize that woman also feel just as shy or as insecure as me. By recognizing that we are all human it made me less scared to actually have meaningful conversation with them. I currently have a gf that I think is definitely above my league , she said that the reason she decided to give me a chance in the first place was that I had a lot of confidence and how secure I was with myself.
I really enjoy how you include other creators in the conversation. It takes people out of their little bubble of subscribers and shows their intelligence in a way that’s different from what we’re used to. It’s like “oh you wanna preach? Well go ahead for real”👀💁🏽♀️ Love it😂
No lie you probably one of the realest niggas I follow on god 💪🏾🙏🏾 I hope you keep hustling dawg