Narcissistic Parents: The Only Times They Will Be Nice To You
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 21 ก.ย. 2024
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In this video, I discuss the only times narcissistic parents fake being nice to you. Recognizing their manipulative patterns will help you see that their kindness often comes with hidden motives. This insight empowers you to set firm boundaries and focus on your self-differentiation, ensuring your actions reflect your true self-not their conditional approval.
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" your mom would never do that. She is SO nice!" 🤢
😂 exactly
"I don't understand. I've known your parents for years. I'm just having a hard time believing they would do something like this."
This from our financial advisor immediately after confirming they had stolen ten thousand dollars from me while I was in inpatient hospitalization.
@@karablake9200 I am sorry you experienced this. It's sad that even after something so blatant happens people still write off the behavior!
Niceness is just another weapon of control in the narcissist's arsenal.
Yep
Yes. They weaponize just about anything to get supply.
So true
Sad when you realize this is what your parents are like 😢
No, tragic and harmful.
Yes
Sad and painful.
Their niceness is ALWAYS self-serving and a tool for manipulating their genuinely nice and kind child.
Don’t fall for it.
1. To gain praise or admiration
2. Manipulation
3. Comparative advantage (if it makes them look superior by comparison)
4. Reciprocal benefit [sounds very transactional, not genuine at all]
5. After negative feedback
6. Public appearances (to maintain a positive public image)
7. When they need support (strategic) [temporary]
Going Forward:
Observe limitations, don't fall for niceness
Don't try to change them, don't change yourself either
Merci, Jerry
They don’t know unconditional love. Everything comes with conditions. Helping you in your time of need, loving you when they see your hurting, on & on & on! You only get help from them if it’s beneficial to them (you have a skill that they will need in the future).
The fake niceness used to fool/trick me, confuse me.
Not anymore.
They are 100% evil.
The only time they are nice is when they want something from you.
transaction
Sometimes they will appear nice to people in public, but only you can recognize the subtle digs that reveal their true nature. Others are not aware of their sneaky put downs and don't know what to look for.
So true
Also in regards to the people that linger around them voluntarily long-term...Those people are unhealthy in their own ways too by either being codependent at best or on the narcissistic side of the fence at worst.I avoid narcissistic individuals as well as anyone that associates with them to protect myself.
They will often put on the guise of "I'm doing this because I love you, trying to help you" as they try to abuse and control you. Niceness is definitely a manipulation tactic.
My narc father would brag about my accomplishments to other people~but, NEVER praise or validate me to my face.
Same here. In fact with me he would put me down by comparing me to people he thought had achieved more. Then my stupid mother says, yes but he talks about you and what you have done when we're out! It's like so freaking what!
Same here - put downs at home, praised outside the home
😂 Perfect. Exactly what they did.
I actually used to think my mother was getting nicer with age. But then I recovered from a life-threatening illness, and was given a clean bill of health. I called to tell her the good news, and she said "Hmmmm." She was so disappointed, she couldn't even fake being glad.
Can heavily relate. It's so hard to think anyone else in life could ever act differently after having that treatment for so long.
@RatedArggg That would be unbelievable (and it probably is to people who don’t really know your mom) if I hadn’t learned what I’ve learned about narcissism. It’s still inhumane and disgusting and I’m so sorry that you had to endure that. I think my narc mother is the opposite - she doesn’t want me to die because then she doesn’t have a scapegoat and a caretaker anymore. But growing up, I thought she’d be happy if I died because I could tell she didn’t love me and when people who met me told her how sweet, considerate & mature I am she would always say Hmmm in return and not validate their compliments of me. I hope you know your value now 💛 even though your mother will never see it and that’s her loss.
@@bowietrio I'm not sure my mother wanted me to die. She might have wanted me to be sickly and weak. Either way, she didn't want what was best for me.
She most likely has a life insurance policy out on you.
These are the traits of cunning people also.
The feigned concern is the worst… it’s creepy and so fake. I still don’t know how to respond to their feigned concern other than saying “thank you for your concern.”
@@kathleengalek4441 Yes, so creepy.
It is a door for asking how you are doing….and then, proceeding to fill you full of what’s happening in their life ad nauseum. Every thing I’ve mentioned I’m going through she has gone through, and worse, of course. 🙄 Always a subtle, “look how strong I am to go through worse than you.” By implication you are weak.
when they need something...
This mean they know exactly what they're doing
Yes😔
That's what I always said when people would tell me that she can't help it. I'd say, then how can she turn it on and off so conveniently?🙄
They no what there doing like we scratch a bug bite
I don't think that's always the case, but that doesn't absolve then either.
I think many, many people are not aware of how their actions affect others and also don't want to know. It's not an excuse, but most people are not that smart, not that aware, and not that calculating.
@@IrethAmandilThey are very calculating because it’s why they use tactics all the time to get what they want.
My mom acts completely different in public. Completely !!!
When they're fake-nice in public, pay attention to whom they're fake-nice to and how many others are around. If it's just you and them, they often won't bother fake-niceness for servers, flight attendants, customer service reps, bellhops, etc. unless they perceive some benefit from fake-niceness. But if other peers are around, they'll deploy the fake-niceness if they wanna impress one or more of them or if they wanna undermine your complaints about their cruelty.
So true! Until I came across Jerry’s videos, I didn’t fully understand why my mother was so rude and demanding to servers/employees when we were out in public as a family but if she had friends around she put on the nice & sweet act. It confused me for the longest time and made me wonder if she equated me with people in the service industry because of her abuse towards me. Now I understand that’s exactly how she sees me and others - as servants put on earth to do her bidding without question or complaint. I feel sorry for all the people in public who come into contact with her.
Not only will they not bother faking niceness if there aren't more of their friends and family around but they will be judgmental towards people, saying things like "wow they're so slow" even when they're not or "look at how she's dressed" and similar
I'm not a religious person but I'm starting to believe that narcissism is due to some sort of demonic possession
No, science discovered and described narcissism. You won't find anything similar in any religious texts.
Narcissists have no conscience for sure.
I believe there is a (negative) spiritual component.
Brain damage.
I think the same thing too... They are truly evil... Then to add on top I'm prob autistic.. and a empath.. but I look back over my whole life around my mom...I have a darn good memory... I remb the things she would say Abt my dad... Not that my dad was a easy person as he was a veteran and prob had PTSD... But then I prob also have it from the abuse I've managed to survive.. so much wrong now.. my back... Pinched nerves etc. so I'm "lazy" fat.. etc. thank y'all this helps so much
This video is right all time. I was just talking to my husband last night that jist because someone is nice doesn't make them safe.
Ted Bundy (serial killer) was 'nice,' even volunteering in a suicide hotline!
Nice can be a tool
Jerry have you ever done a video about the parent who creates discord among their family members by saying different things to different people, making adverse comparisons, setting up implicit competitions, and generally playing "let's you and him fight"?
That describes my family.
That is called triangulation and my mother is a Master at it- such an unloving thing to do .
My mom !
omg! yes!
It's my mother in law who is 90, and still doing it.
When my father died and she kept my inheritance, she lovingly bought me a new couch.
Couch burning party😂
Thank you, Jerry. None of it changes as they age, either. My mother is almost 90 and the behaviors are cemented in. Because she looks “cute” and frail, she gets a lot of validation and attention, so that keeps her happy.
This gives me chills.
My 84 year old mother has health problems, and uses them to manipulate me and others. She switches from heroic underplaying to pitiful martyrdom, depending on which tactic seems most useful that day. It's hard to know the truth. I now limit the frequency and duration of my visits and phone calls, for the sake of my own mental health. She says I've changed. You bet your sweet bippy I have!
Yeah, my dad had me faked out until l moved in to caregive 4 my mom for barely anything, under $200.00 a week, then his old self came out! Ugh Just wanted to use me as a slave and save lottsa $$$!!
Oh yes, seen the nice dad come out in public, and yeah, who IS that person?!? Not the dad l know!!
Mine's 86 and bedridden, haven't seen her in a decade, she "tried" throwing me out Xmas Eve as she went on about my diminished looks and I suggested we get a long mirror so she could have a good proper look at herself, that led to her trying to shove me out the door but I live 2 provinces away, that weekend earned me 2K from her, trauma bonding to say the least and validating my calling adult protection on her a few years later.
The timing of their niceness is everything. 1) They are always nice when they want something, and, 2) Observe and take note of when this niceness occurs. It's Mother's Day next week? Six weeks left until Christmas? A birthday coming up? Link that niceness with key events and with time you'll be able to predict when they'll be nice to you and that's how you'll learn it's never genuine. It's crazy!
If you’re not there already, you will get to a point where you can see straight through their BS and nothing they try will work on you. That’s where I am with my parents, especially my mom. She called me about a month and half ago crying because my grandma is dying, and she tried to guilt trip me into visiting my sick grandma because my grandma raised me for 2 years, it didn’t work and I’m not falling for that nonsense. Not to mention that I didn’t ask for my mom and dad to ditch me for 2 years with my grandma because they decided to.
Good for you, how selfish, to use a tragedy for their benefit, nothing new with narcissists though, and of course they'd never admit it, but there is proof in the fact that they outsourced their parenting duty. Hang in there. Btw just in case it helps additionally here are some similar youtube channels that I've been following besides this one: The Healing Daughter, Surviving Narcissism, Patrick Teahan, Lisa Romano. Best wishes to all of us navigating this.
@@AA-iy4gm thank you, I will check out some of those channels, and I’m familiar with Lisa Romano :)
You just feel it in your gut. My mother's fake nice, just feels wrong. It comes from when she is happy or happy about something in me. It's conditional
I call those the “nicey nicey” days. It’s after she has injured me grievously. And number 4 and 5
It was like our mother would proudly place me on a pedestal, then whack me from behind the knees to provoke an injurious fall. For 46 years I tried to win her approval, all in vain.
I finally walked away after realizing she'd never called, visited, or even written a letter to me or my own wife, children. I finally realized that, when I questioned the lack of care from her, she lied and gaslighted me but was more than happy to reliably tear me down to friends and family.
Yes, her Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde duplicity was off the charts. Dad should have confronted her about it for the sake of their children, but he simply wanted to remain out of her crosshairs.
Your dad is an enabler which is abusive too.
@@ThePinkPantha21 She was blackmailing him, apparently, over an incident between him and her bastard daughter, which Mom provoked. It was cheaper to keep her apparently, than to face the risk of going to jail over Mom's ad hoc manipulations or get forced to pay child support for four children, in addition to the two for whom he was already paying. I'm sure he blamed himself, and I'm so sorry he never enjoyed the love of a good woman: he just lived within the confines of that horrible box, chained to the whims of an evil woman.
@@DHW256 It might be hard to accept, but it sounds like your father was an enabler, which is selfish and abusive. Regardless of what she threatened him with, he chose to sacrifice his children's well-being to save himself. Cowardly, selfish and abusive. Maybe you assumed those were his reasons, but if that's not the case and he actually told you that, it's just more proof he is an enabler and manipulator, justifying his reasons for not standing up for his children and making their well-being a priority. Healing starts when you see people for who and what they are.
@@kjsstudent As an adult, I confronted him with, "I can't tell if you're the world's greatest saint, or the world's biggest wimp! If I were you, I'd write her a check for $1 million to go away, or I'd make her disappear, because something is very wrong with her!" He started opening up about the perplexing why's and how's -- the secret-keeping, covert rants, suicide attempts, manifestations, other physical, emotional, etc. abuse that was never overtly checked.
I am considering developing a screenplay about the experience, as it gets quite outrageous, the aftermath of Mom's pathological abuses, especially after Dad was murdered. Her demise was quite ironic.
If you love your child you don´t enable abuse. There is no excuse for enabling abuse.
I don't miss this, the same as I don't miss the other gigantic manipulations too.
Thank you Jerry. 👍
Brilliant work pal..my mum always gave me gifts..only one catch all were broken or damaged...she just couldn't face throwing anything to waste so she pretended to be kind it was giving me her rubbish.
THAT'S HORRIBLE.
This is so similar …things she was going to give to goodwill …or regifted things I had given her ..makes you feel so devalued and not worthy of love from your own mother
Oh my 😢
I relate to this so much. My grandma once gave us a gift that was actually just a box full of loose office supplies. She had changed jobs and cleared off her desk into the box. Lol there was literally a stapler in there.
Mom and dad weren’t much different. Most of my gifts even into adulthood were things they found while dumpster diving. If they actually bought it then it was super cheap garbage and they would tell me how little they spent on it. If my mom made something it was because she wanted to get rid of old art supplies.
I had that too. Junk gifts all either free to her or bought in the 'final reductions ' bin. When my lovely old auntie died at 85, being a little round barrel less than 5' tall, my mother passed on all her tent dresses to me as 'they will do for you'. I was 30 and size 12. One Christmas she bought me a tin of teabags, and my sister a designer jumper 🙄.
My nm used to always say, "See..... blah blah blah". SO sickening
Thank you Jerry for validating all the FAKE niceness that I have seen and still see over the years n to this moment from my narc mother….it’s completely disgusting and so obvious smdh 🤦🏻♀️ literally these people will make u go insane!!!
I pray a scripture that says God gives us a sound mind... alot
This is my mom recently after I went grey rock with her. Great video Jerry.
I was ill for the better part of the fourth grade. I remember my mom laying me on the sofa, in front of the tv. She must have been there. Her presence? I remember my older sister bringing my school work and doing my homework otherwise the television was my companion.
Tvs, computers, ipads, phones, daycare, school, baby sitter are their go to tools for outsourcing their parenting duties. Even non narcisistic but emotionally immature and neglectful parents do it but the whole narcisistic package makes it all worse of course. Its not about the tools themselves but in their overusing it, kids need their parents much more than people like to admit. Too many parents want parenting awards for the bare minimum and find it an inconvenience that children need more.
This is the latest one for me, "I'm doing this because I love you".
Their idea of love is different. They love what they get to do to you...not you as a person.
They do not really understand what love is or means or feels like or thinks like. 🤔
I remember this being said to me while getting beaten by a hand held wooden paddle 24” long. Oh yeah, I forgot this is for my own good. Bye the way, what did I do exactly to deserve this personal attack?
@@dianabailey9757 never heard this one before.
@@Denise-y2c starting to see it in real time.
Thank you always! Your words continually give me sanity in insane situations. I have the tools but need to either be reminded or just flat out comforted by the wisdom you provide.
Thank you for your work. These days, i dont fall for their "niceness". I know that the community sees them as an angel, but i am maintaining my boundaries and a healthy distance.
Malicious Niceness
I often think that I'm just overreacting and not understanding. But, if I can tick off EVERY SINGLE ITEM you say is right on, exactly, for EVERY video. Well. I'm not wrong.
I like the way you put that 3:07 narcissistic problems.
Im grateful for the help im receiving here.
"Charming everyone there...that's not my parents....who are they??" THIS!!
Absolutely to all of these! Not just parents but siblings as well. My husband finally admitted this after his dad passed away when many friends and co-workers told him how great a friend his dad was.
The abuser is both the rescuer and the tormenter.
Number 6, man...all my life 🤦 Then my sisters (sometimes my mom) and I would randomly get yelled and screamed at on the way home. Didn't even know what we did half the time to get in trouble for.
It’s a lot like having satan in human form dealing with you straight on in the natural, deceiving you so they can trap you, and then go in for the attack. It’s just like satan. It’s tormenting, and we don’t have to put up with it just because it’s our mothers. It’s just very hard coming to that realization of what they really are, and that you were raised by this.
@loriwinters414 it is a shock to the system because this information has been withheld from the masses. I know exactly how you feel. Keep going. Not sure if you are a Lord of the Rings fan or not...here is some dialogue that helps me. Frodo: I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had ever happened. Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. "All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us". Yes, we were dealt a shit hand. But that is not for us to decide. What we need to decide is what to do with our life NOW. How to do we want to spend the days we have been given? Other people have been dealt other types of shit hands. Find your purpose by paying attention to what makes your heart sing.
Everything a narcissist does is a transaction aimed at gaining something.
fake love
It´s a trap.
They are born criminals.
How is this not pretty much everyone?
You are only nice when it benefits you? That’s not all of us.
Thank you. This brought some clarity.
I agree with you that it is just an act.. This is where feelings can help us.. There is a difference between them acting nice and how it feels..
Everything is conditional
Hah! Let me guess…when they think you got something they want and they also see no other way to get what they want from you. 😅😅
Great vid. So true.
I get this a lot lately actually. It can be used to kill the negative drama but you gotta be careful not to gaslight yourself about their true nature. I finally got a better grasp on that so even if you can “make them behave” you still don’t need to be around them so much. (In the case of when you can’t launch full on no contact etc). Things are much better now for me, but I still choose to move out of state as soon as I can. Lol.
I needed a his right like now! Thank you! The battle is real!! Man I have done my time in a miserable decades of my life. Leave me alone! Ahhh it so hard!
Thank you 🤍
Talk about the weather. 😎
I cant wrap my head around someone acting like this!
They try to be nice but it is a facade, they can't keep it up and eventually the mask falls and reveals their true colors. 🙈🙉🙊
My mom Is only nice when she needs a ride someplace. My mom let her license lapse after having her first child ( my oldest sister ) and she never went back to get it and she expects me to drive het everywhere from weekly grocery shopping , get her meds , dr appointments, Xmas shopping , b day shopping , list goes on. If I say no I can’t I get silent treatments and guilt trips and the blame of being a terrible child. My mom isn’t disabled. Perfectly able to drive. She chooses not to. She refuses yo take the bus , refuses the free rides senior citizens get from the city tgat will take her to any dr appointment and grocery shopping.
Amen, don't try to change them.
My mother was the opposite, she threw her biggest tantrums when she had an audience.
- 0:27 💡 Narcissistic parents are nice to gain admiration or validation.
- 1:00 🎭 Niceness as manipulation: Narcissistic parents use niceness to manipulate, often feigning concern or love-bombing.
- 1:49 ⚖️ Comparative advantage: Narcissistic parents are nice when it makes them appear superior to others.
- 2:31 🎯 Reciprocal benefit: Niceness occurs when it directly benefits the narcissistic parent’s goals.
- 3:29 🛑 Niceness after criticism: Narcissistic parents may become nice to counter negative feedback or regain approval.
- 4:06 🌐 Public appearances: Narcissistic parents act nice in public to maintain a positive image.
- 4:59 🤝 Niceness in times of need: Narcissistic parents are nice when they need support, but revert once their needs are met.
- 5:48 🧠 Strategic niceness: Narcissistic parents’ niceness is often calculated and lacks genuine emotional warmth.
- 6:30 🚨 Self-differentiation advice: Don’t absorb or fall for their niceness, and don’t try to change them.
- 7:07 🤔 Reflect on relationship: Consider how you would interact with them if they never changed.
- 7:44 📚 Program recommendation: Jerry suggests checking out his online self-help program.
Spot on! Glad I listened today….
My mother was very good at playing the beautiful young, caring, mum ( she was a beauty queen,literally, she won a pageant), but she hated me.Didnt like it ,if my dad or anyone said I was pretty. She did whatever she could to sabotage me and make me fearful. When I was preschool age ,Her favourite trick was when were visiting strange cities,was leaving me in department stores and disappearing out the door and be halfway down the city block before I found where she'd gone. When I'd run and catch up, she'd smile and look very smug. I sometimes wondered if she hoped I'd get abducted.
Once I realized what was going on I got scared. Really scared.
I know they will never change, so I choose emotionally distance.
You are describing my wife completely.
This reminds me of the narcissistic father of the 🚹 I ♥️...That guy donated toys at the holidays for needy kids, gave 1 of his pals a fancy toy racing car worth hundreds for free, etc....Meanwhile he KNOWINGLY let his poor son go untreated for very obvious severe Depression symptoms since he was a underage teen.Many of these people will wear a sanitized 🎭 in public that just hides the scumbag behind it, simply pay close attention & you'll gradually 👀 it slip in various ways.Behind closed doors they're at their absolute WORST...I still vividly remember hearing his dad screaming obscenities at those 5 kids like a complete lunatic🤢.
My in laws 😔 actually most of my family
obverse to first point defensive as their aura of esteem is "threatened" or percieved as such
My narc parents seemed to really struggle with being nice to me at all, like it would hurt them if they had to 🙄
resonates, much appreciated for your insights as always Jerry.
Thank you very much for this one Dr. Wise.
True…God bless you
from Cynthia Ann
in JANESVILLE, WI
My dad is nice to me when he wants to open avenues to my siblings for him. He cant see me as part of the real world, to him, im part of his failed world that he needs to solve to fit into his forever flying apart mind, because internal models of the world are not the world.
Could be as long as everything is perfect they are nice. But it never can be. I want a roll with the punches person not a freak out person.
Jerry can you do a video on why not to unmask the narcissist or confront them about their behaviour
Now I'm totally bummed out cuz all of this is true😢 I need to enroll in the program! Thank you Jerry
Or win them a pack of cigarettes or alcohol cause your other brothers and sisters said no.
My 82 year old dad's been diagnosed with a ❤murmur..... the guilt and pressure 😢 I'm praying for him but I'm not falling for it
It was always "off" in some way unless it was something they already wanted to do then they would make a show of their endless generosity and how much you "owed" them when they were doing the thing anyway regardless of your presence. Every aspect of the activity had to be controlled down to the cellular level because you were obviously an idiot who couldn't be trusted even if you knew more about said activity than they did, in fact if they knew nothing. Success was down to them while failure down to you even if it was their micro managing that ruined an otherwise simple process, but wasn't that the sought after result all along? If they didn't like what was happening they certainly weren't going to let anything so crass as to see you enjoying it happen.
So true and important 🎉🎉🎉🎉
Jerry I have been watching you and I am so blown away. At 49 I am trying to get the remenants out of me - my father passed on and he did so much damage. My brother didn’t make it and died at 33. My mother is also crazy. I don’t know what to do. How do we forgive these people and do we cut them off the rest of our lives ?
Spot on!!! Thank you
I wish I knew how to get out of this dire situation.
How can we know if narcissistic parents can have different levels of malice/disorder than others? Or have days they are more like normal people?
🙏♥️
Wait, how can the video claim they are nice áfter recieving criticism ?!.. Nooo, that is impossible. Its NPD trademark; no critique, no rolling eyes, etc, no nothing because that makes them feel in the slightest rejected or viewed negatively. Almost always.
I've found that if they received criticism from someone else earlier in the day then they will be really really nice to you.
Wow 😮
What if I feel trapped in a system which I can't get out? These narcissists use manipulation tactics.
A contract without consent is invalid.
I can’t get over the abuse I suffered from my narcissistic family and I’m 76 years old! I am disabled on a very limited income what can I do I do?
Ok. 666 on the thumbs up.
“That sucks . But figures. 🖕🏼Um”.
I'MA NARCISSITC PARENT MY KIDS LOVE ME, I FAKE NICE ALL THE TIME, AND GET MY WAY
😂😂😂