“ She didn’t prepare me for life in the real world, she did not support me in anything, she wanted me weak and controllable. She wanted my life to be difficult when it didn’t have to be. She wanted me to fail. She interfered with me just becoming me and enjoying life.”. (someone else’s quote- but my experience)
I’m a nurse in long term care. I’ve had patients who’s kids never come around and I don’t blame the kids at all. In fact I’ve seen some that still show up and I can’t believe they are still getting emotionally abused. You should not feel obligated to care for someone who was emotionally or physically abusive
Usually true, and, as Jim Brillon stated in the video, sometimes they "soften" . . . (? around the edges, a bit?). The unfortunate part is by the time they are old and need help, the damage has been done and they have completely alienated those whom they expect to help them, because of their long history of abusing them.
@@KaarinaKimdalyThey only appear to "soften" because it's out of pure desperation & survival...They don't truly soften if it's full-blown NPD, they just lean more into covert narcissistic behavior to try to keep some fool around to help them🤢🤮.
Same. Not worth it. That's her only hand -- manipulation. I'll have none of it. It is better to break the generational cycle of abuse. My kids are loved, and I have better friends than my emotionally immature narcissistic parents had. Their friends are scary. The relatives that stayed in contact with them are also scary. I am happier many states away from them, and learning to parent my kids from better role models.
This is so good and a reminder for me to keep an emotional distance. My mom is 92 and a covert hypochondriac narcissist. She tries to keep my brother and I stirred up emotionally with her trips to the ER for very minor, old age symptoms. All our lives she has been either sick or upset about her marriage and expected us to make her happy. There were times she seemed caring, which made it worse because she would draw us back in. She complained my whole wedding that her back hurt, and that’s the story she tells everyone about the time of my life that should have been a joy for her. We moved across the country to help my brother deal with her and dad 2 years ago. Dad is gone now and she lives alone. I fight to keep the boundary…. We refuse to move in with her because we lived there for 6 months and she wasn’t happy. NOTHING will make her happy and it’s true that they WILL NOT CHANGE. I’m so thankful for videos like these because they have helped me so much. I’m taking care of myself and doing things that fill me up and spark my passions. It’s getting to the point where mom is getting worse and we have to make some decisions and get home care, or Assisted-living. She constantly tells me that she’s glad she was able to take care of her mother, which she only did three months out of the year for about two years, and even when she did that, she was mean to her and yelled at her. She tries to make me feel guilty and I let her for a long time, but now I feel free. It’s sad that parents like this force us to harden ourselves towards them just to have some peace.
I could have written this, almost identical to my experience. I have such compassion for her as she ages and have found putting strong boundaries in place has helped and a realization that I am also important, her cup will never be filled by me or others.
My mom ( in assisted living) constantly brings up how lucky my dad was to have her to care for him during hospice. My sisters and I almost called adult protective services on her because she was so demanding and mean to him.
I feel like somehow yall are my siblings, these are my thoughts. All except my mom is still in her home. She wasn't mean to my grandparents but she likes to tell me how great she was to them. She even asked me recently, "I wiped papa's butt, are you willing to wipe mine?" I would have loved to answer back something snarky like "can't wait", but I just said yes. Lord help us
@@flowerpower3618 Same. My mother was hoarding the house up until my dad couldn't even pass his wheelchair through the hallways, so I did call Adult Protective Services, because we argued constantly about making the house safer. She refused to dehoard, like a petulant three-year-old. Finally, when my dad was diagnosed with cancer, before he was even discharged from the hospital, she withdrew all the money from their joint bank account and put it all in a new account with her-name-only. I didn't find out about it until later, when she asked me to help her order checks because she couldn't figure out how to order them. She wanted to put my dad's name on them, but .... um.... he wasn't on the account. Then I asked her where was her Social Security going... where was my DAD'S SOCIAL SECURITY GOING? She had no clue what damage she'd done. Life-long selfishness. So I tried to help her, and she got paranoid and blamed me for trying to control her life. Life-long stealing from others..... leads to paranoia about everyone stealing from them. It's insane. For my own legal safety, because she's gone psycho, we are no-contact. I can't be accused of stealing, if I'm nowhere around this vicious woman. Oh... and she stole my dad's wallet, and watched as both he and I searched the house for it for WEEKS. Finally, he accused me of stealing it. Turns out, months later, it was found in her purse. She enjoyed triangulating me with my dad. Narcs are scary. Elderly narcs are psychopaths. Beware. Once you understand your mother was a malignant narcissist, divorce yourself financially and stay the heck away from them. I think she even did something to my daughter, because I let her give my daughter a bath during one of our visits to their house, and my daughter started screaming. I ran in there, but didn't see anything wrong. But after that my daughter NEVER wanted to go into that bathroom again. Nor does she like my mother. No contact. It is the only way for me and my kids to ward off this evil woman.
My 93 year old mother is still at it. I have minimal contact with her - even though I miss my dad who is her enabler. It boils down to protecting my health and sanity. They will be gone someday, but I hope to preserve the remaining life I have.
I feel for your situation. If you miss your Dad, could you take him out of the home so that you could visit with him privately, even briefly? I say this because it sounds that he could benefit from the love of you, his child, and it sounds that you do love your father. We never know how long our loved ones will exist on this earth, so don't put off showing your love to him, please.
@KaarinaKimdaly My Dad was "not allowed" to have any contact with me without my Mom being present. It was an unspoken rule that we heard loudly. It was more important to him to keep the peace with her, than have a real relationship with me. I feel guilty saying that because he was a very kind person (married his opposite!) R.I.P. Dad!
The older they get, even if you’ve gone minimal contact, the more they filter you out so the family hate you when they pass. I’m slowly coming to terms with losing most of my family to her venom and manipulation.
Gen-Xr here. We are dealing with a NATION/ generation of Narcissistic aging people. (the BOOMERS). they've always had whatever they wanted, and they plan on it continuing to be that way. If you tell them they can't, they get extremely upset, violent and throw a fit. and yet, in their minds, they think I'm supposed to make no more than minimum wage my entire life and live under the poverty limit (its madness.) I'm so sick of it, I don't even talk to them anymore.
Thankfully after growing up being the scapegoat in a family with a mother and sister who were narcissists. My mother at the age of 93 has mellowed. I still cannot trust her and she still finds ways of manipulating and degrading me. The behavior is much less that ever before. I do make myself available and help her when I can. I have strict boundaries and taking good care of myself today. About 5 years ago I went no contact with her for over 2 years. That is when I think she got the message that I wasn't going to put up with her crap any more and she made changes. However the sister is still a flaming narcissist, I deal with massive conflict when it comes to any communication. So it's minimal... grey Rocking. The growth process I have went through learning how to disengage, not get hooked into a manipulative conversation, not feeling guilty, not responding to traps. has been a long process. I went through years of counseling. Today, I can say I am a healthy happy person. Thank God!
I wish I would've known back then what I know now. Dealing with my aging narcissistic parents would've been VERY different. Listen to this advice multiple times if you need to and follow it as best as you can. Aging narcissistic parents are no joke. Stay safe ❤
Thank you sir ,your spot on my 97 year old mam is a covert and i still live close to her and watch her its hell ,but on my own ive been spending less time with her and protecting my peace ❤
Oh my gosh....when my malignant narc female producer finally died in 2020 - age of 92! guess what - even the devil was not quite ready to put that evil reptile narc finally in her very own created hell - Went into no contact finally at the age of 56! - had to tell her at the phone.....to finally kiss my a.... that kind of language she did understand promptly!! Went into no contact from now on - and never went back - did not even go to the narcs funeral! Had to protect myself from toxic family mispoke! And last not least - finally found me a well educated trauma therapist - recently- at the age of 64 years, now. Kept searching about decades over here in Europe/Germany until I was lucky enough to find me - a real good therapist. Most therapist over here do not know enough at all - about narcissism - and the narc abuse from early childhood on, right. Old rept. narcs getting worster than ever. BEWARE OF THOSE MONSTERS!!
I’ve lost all my closest friends while healing from childhood wounds and I recently moved home and now I’m micromanaged, gaslit, and obsessively being helped like I am a child. I am 34. My friends are getting married. I appreciate all of the free content online. If I am not working I am depressed because I am there.
Thank you so much for this video and thanks to all the people who left comments. I feel validated after reading all the comments. Only people with toxic narcissists as parents can understand what we go through. Children with normal parents can’t relate so it’s difficult to find people who can support you.
This is really good. One of the best and most complete run downs I've heard and EXACTLY what I needed to hear right now while caring for my 80 year old mom who has cancer.
This video perfectly describes The situation with my NPD mother, who may be in the beginning stages of dementia. Thank you for validating that I’m not crazy in what I see. I am my mothers primary caregiver right now and life is really difficult.
This video describes my life with my covert narc mom. She’s 82 and I’m 62 and I have gone through therapy and am very low contact with her. Thank you for this video. It helped me to see it’s not me. I’m not crazy.
Wow. I have been trying to understand myself and my parent relationship as I provide daily care for my parent who is now under hospice care. A person with narcissistic tendencies really does struggle as they age and lose being the center of attention. Your insight was extremely helpful and left me with my mouth open at times with increased understanding of some of my patterns throughout life…. I feel seen, validated and encouraged with additional tools to love my parent, ( and myself) well in this last season of their life. Thank you!
Thanks so much for this video. My father is a 92 year old narcissist squared. Your outline was very helpful. It’s sad but actually a relief to know I’m not the only one who has dealt with this. Always thought my family was just a dysfunctional family.
I moved my parents into my home 2 yrs ago to retire my covert narcissistic mom, which i didnt know thats what she was at the time, i just thought we just didnt get along, and my enabler dad. However my mom was just disrespectful and intolerable the entire 2 yrs. So i evicted them 3 weeks ago and have now been no contact for a week now. My dad is 75 and my mom is 68. What they do from this moment on is no longer my business or concern.
Boomers threw Cozy out on 18th birthday, zero warning. After being homeless for a while, Army recruiter found Cozy and halp Cozy get paperwork - social security card, birth certificate, State ID. Cozy enlist in Army and got blowed up. While recovering at Walter Reed, a 30 minute drive, father said he was too busy and had to work. We no talk until 15 years later. Cozy comfy medically retired, father found Cozy e-mail and asked for help - mom left and took 50% of his pension. His health declining, said Cozy "owed (him)" Cozy said Cozy had to work and had no time or money, enjoy ghetto nursing home. Mrs. Cozy's parents live in our guest cabin they're from old country and care about us. Fin
Thank you Sir. This video is very complete and concise. It is a confirmation of what I believe since around 5 years. It took me around 2 years before that of reading books on the subject and watching videos on TH-cam to really understand this personality disorder and realize my father is a malignant narcissist and will never change. I am his 58 year old daughter and he is trying to hoover me back in and go live in Peru where I was born and he still lives. Hoovering me with his money; he is a rich and powerful man. I just subcribed to your channel. My usual language is French. I live in Switzerland.
Thank you for this video. It was so helpful and calming. It was a challenging day and this gave me the ability to release some guilt and offer myself compassion.
you are WAY too kind, as some of them are truly a nightmare to deal with. These evil entities (in particular - if this condition is on a spectrum) belong in seperate units inside an ageing persons facility - and that is being merciful! if you have an ageing sociopath parent who has targeted you , its only way to heal and stay sane. There is a story of a friend who simply could not do it anymore. her older sibling 'golden child' took in the ageing narc and after some time- even he put the ageing narc into a facility. Not one of the children of this individual could manage them. Even past age 85 years, the narc was sharp as a tack, and lied to and decieved caregivers outside the family. the factthat they get worse with age is so tragic for them and their families. what creates such horrible persons, it begs the question. their entire lives just - ugh their are no words. deeply tragic. not everyone deserves to have families.
Thank you for this video. I recently found out my Narc. Dad who's all alone has dementia. We've been no contact for 2+ yrs. He just got out of hospital. Next week is his bday. I'm working up the nerve to call him. I'll try to keep your wise advice in mind, especially not defending and taking everything personally.
Lol, A couple of years ago, I had gone no contact for 3 years. After my dad passed away , Mom had a fall , needing hospitalization . My sister called me and now I was drawn back into this pit of vipers.My sister lives 500 Km away. Mom has care givers come in 4-5 days a week. I have been visiting about once a week sometimes more to take her to her appointments . Twice in the last month she has canceled the appointment twice after I drove the 20 miles to her house , and last week I went to see her when the doctor made a home visit. I do her banking to pay her bills , do her grocery shopping, call her doctors, take her to appointments etc. While the doctor was visiting she became extremely rude to me and tried to shame me infront of the doctor for not calling her to let her know the doctor was coming. ( I had to take care of my own medical needs that day prior to go to her house). Then she told the doctor she had not seen me for many weeks. ( a bold faced lie) I went off to pay her bills and do groceries for her after the doctors visit and on my return a neighbor had stopped by, Mom was grining like a cheshire cat..... she had gotten her narcisistic feed..... this whole thing makes me sick, but she has already changed the will so that my sisters family ( the golden child ) get 3/4 and my family gets 1/4 of the estate. I would like to go no contact again , but don't want to loose that remaining quarter ( about $ 350,000.00) My sister and her daughter have multiple times changed the locks on her house and recently tried to set up an answering machine to her phone that they can acess and made her ring tone to 2 rings so she never gets calls...... I hate all this. The happiest time of my life was when I was no contact with this whole sick family and could pay attention to my own family. Mom is 91 and I am 68.
Currently going through all of this and have been most of my life..I'm 53 years old and I only just became aware that my father is a narcissist a couple years ago. It's definitely not easy..not easy at all !!
So, my Narc Mother remarried shortly after my Father died. He had several properties that he left in a will for my brothers and myself. After she passed 2 years ago, i found out that her husband remarried within 9 months after her death. My mother also changed the will so he would get everything. Im glad i went no contact several years before she died. I was indifferent about it all. My brothers however are suffering.
Thank you so much. This video came up out of nowhere and this, I feel like was God’s way of speaking to me. I’ve been feeling a lot guilt lately. Thank you again
this is just spot on.. i like to hear more about grandparents and the roles they give to they grandchilds.. my parents put out traps for my boy to prove he is naughty, so they are entitled to talk very bad to him, and my sisters girls are the cuttest pink pleaser prinsesses..
I reconect with my narci cover parents cause my father was in the hospital. The moment I got this called, I felt anxiety. I was in NOT CONTACT for 4 years and My husband and I felt weird and concern. It's a lot is going in our personal life, proyects and the stability of our kids and us. My father has an infection, But after talking to him, little by little became Manipulations, tears, I got blame for his health , depresion. My mother altso plaid kind, poor me, "We are family" .. And my sister who lives in other country is controled by them (fly monkey) Only in 3 days and then..PAM The real faces were comming out again. Devaluation, complaing, gossip, bragging, braggin about money, comparison, And I couldn't take any more... It's Christmas time. My children are first. Of course..I'm the Evil, I was allways "The evil kid" Thank you ❤
The problem is I know she's manipulating me to get to me... She does it on purpose. Her and my sister act identical... I never recognize that before... both enjoy playing mind games.. it makes me so mad.. because I feel so freaking gullible
My grandma is a narcissist and has put her hands on my mom this year in June and left her with bruises and my little brother was there to witness it. We all don't know what to do we live with grandma and my mom is disabled so she doesn't have a job right now but she gets disability so she is able to pay the bills. She also blames my mom for my aunties murder even tho she had no cuntrol over the situation that my aunti got herself into. So right now we are recording the arguments and the yelling.
Yes, own mental (and physic) health issues, severe ones, i can't anymore, i'm a bit on 'no contact', my husband sees my parents weekly, it's my mom... my father is sucked in her spiderweb... what's the use if 'we' suffer & die earlier... so harsh... Dear Jim, is it please possible for u to do less 'dings bells' etc, it gives so much nerves... friendly asked, hugs to all here, from Belgium
Hi Mona my mother did exact thing no help from in home support wanted me to move in with her. Don’t do it mom was in snf for four years now assisted living put her in assisted living
My narsisist father that scapegoat me and destoryed my life and ruin my potential is now exposed in the whole family and he fears for his life believing that i am.going to hurt him (and i believe he deserves evrything) i wont do it but living in that fear is how he made me feel as a child so i believe its proper Justine for a chronic child abuser
I don't know for a fact that my aging mother is a narcissist, but our relationship has always been difficult and it's getting more so as we get older. I love my Mom , I care about her and I want to spend time with her, but she doesn't understand me and I don't think she ever will. She loves me, but she doesn't like me. I always expect more from her though, I want her to understand the fact that I have a mental illness and sometimes am moody and difficult myself, but I can't always control myself. I get so angry with her, sometimes I feel as though I am testing her, how much B.S. will she put up with and still care for me? but mostly I want to get along with her, I am the only one who can take care of her now, though she is pretty independent. My brother(whom she always called her "favorite") committed suicide a couple of years ago, leaving me to deal with all of the end of life "stuff" and I feel it is overwhelming. She really upsets me when she says I'm insane, she has little compassion for what I go through. She's such a smart ass sometimes, and knows how to push my buttons and wants to control me. I stay with her sometimes maybe too often as I am a lonely single person in a small rural town in midwest, she is someone to talk to , but we always end up fighting. She wants me to spoil her like my brother did with many gifts and outings but I am on SSI don't have a lot of money and don't like to drive. I feel bad that I can't give her what she wants. She gave me everything.
It’s not very encouraging to read all these comments regarding their 90+ yo parents!!!! Ours is only 84!! Do we really have another 10-15yrs of this bullshit!?!?
I have been married to one for 53 years, and when I was younger i was so angry with him, now I just feel sorry for him, I know I will be gone before him, his health is super extra good, he might go on for another 20 years so the point I am trying to make the kids will NOT want to look after him when I am gone so what happens to a narcissist when the career is gone???/
This is fantastic. Watching this is like being seen and heard. Extremely validating for my experience right now. Thank you! Will be back for more healing talks. 🙏🏻
Clicked every single box. All the way to her bedside at the end. I hoped for a better end, better closure for her and for my sister and I, but it didn't happen. We felt only relief on the way Home. Her reign was finally over. We hope wherever she went after death is a better place than what we envisioned. She never expressed an interest. She sang Amazing Grace from time to time, but it felt more like mocking to me. This from the person who confessed to trying to kill me before I was 2 years of age. The sidenote is that our father was her enabler all of their over 60 years of marriage, even in the nursing home together. When he died, she did not grieve normally. He just wasnt there to serve her anymore.
I'm moving back to the city where my mother lives. She is going to live with my family. I'm super concerned because in the past when I have tried to get along with her. She always sees only the bad and the negativ e.She is a bully. What should I do?
I'm also moving back to the area my mother lives in France (I'm still in the UK for now). It should be interesting. It doesn't mean I have to get in touch though..
Everyone can occasionally display narcissistic traits. But a true NPD equates control and dominance over their supplies as "love", and anything less as "hate". They also use an array of methods to punish people for perceived slights. A healthy/normal mind doesn't at all think about trying to control and punish grown ass adults like that.
93..... Damn.... I hope like hell my mom won't live that long. LOL I don't know whether to leave my comment there, or tell you how truly sorry I am for yours going on that long.... its kinda a nasty thing to say to most people that dont understand thougb. (hugs)
good for you. and i'm so sorry. i know it was a difficult decision. people don't understand the guilt and confusion one feels when his/her toxic parent is aging. i'm proud of you. i still haven't mustered up the courage. @@suzanpeters1093
Thank you Thank you Thank You! My 84-yr-old covert narcissist mother has always had everyone fooled. She is super hard to be around and I have been doing the “Grey Rock” thing for years now without even knowing what that was! Her constant STARES and need for gossip to criticize others and build herself up are so tiring. She’s a lifetime victim. Just EVERYTHING you’ve mentioned in this video is SPOT ON. Makes me feel so much better knowing I’m not crazy
You described my narc mother perfectly. I still occasionally fall for her sneaky tricks (absolutely devious, like using my brother's email account instead of hers).
I feel bad that it has taken me over sixty years to greyrock. Now entire family is saying how cruel I am and how I will regret the time I don't spend with her. I am regretting the time I have wasted being abused
Some places have low income assistance care programs. I don’t know. Put them in a corner somewhere. The Time Out Corner. I’m going No Contact for a while. Thinking about sending First Alert brochure.
My elderly mother would be thrown out. She is absolutely obnoxious in every way.she has kept me ill for many years. She triangulates all the time. Never being shown love for your own mother is tough.I am grieving for the life I never had.
@lynn, you are not alone. But looking back is sorrow. It has taught me to be independent I left at 16 as soon as I could. I go to God and the Lord Jesus has saved my life many times. The Lord knows everything all things he knows our past and our future. When you love God he will turn bad things into your good just like he did with Joseph. But sometimes he instructs us to walk, turn away from wicked people. Second Timothy chapter 3 I would not let her make you sick anymore. Go to God, The Lord he promised to never leave us pray for forgiveness for you and her and he will help you and direct you the way you should go. I wish you PEACE AND LOVE. And don’t let the wicked ones steal it from you.
"Caretakers often die before the Alzheimer's patient does." Realizing that with narcissistic parents at age 30, having moved back in after a divorce with a narcissist, im already dying. My health has been horrible my whole life and no doctors can tell me why. I want to leave so bad.
You may need a support group perhaps of people who can understand and mutually bolster each other's spirit, or at least one real friend and/ or a wise therapist, imo. I was in a somewhat similar situation quite a few years ago, and that is why I'm responding. You can get through this, however much you may feel disheartened due to the toxicity in the household. Persist in awareness, persist in love. You cannot change other people, only yourself, by growing in awareness, love, and actions of self- advocacy. Ultimately we are all connected, whether people see it or not. That said, try to remember it. Don't give yourself away to people who will drain your energies dry through their selfish subterfuge and do not withhold yourself from what the Best part within you suggests. At the very least there are online platforms like this one, which can be really quite helpful when they are of the excellent caliber of Jim Brillon's and a few others, but adjunct to this digitally mediated data, one needs real human connection, imo. If you have been molded by your parents into bearing the onus of a shame-based identity, you will need to learn to give that up, unlearn it. If you are a religious/spiritual person remember that you are a valuable human and remember that within you is the Presence, in your very Center. . . Pray and be Practical. Refrain from preying upon others. Do not let the narcissistic/arrogant sociopathic/psychopathic types in life take away your essential value. I.E., Do not let the toxic people bestow their shadow self upon you by trying to define you. You get to define yourself through your good-hearted actions and realistic optimism. I certainly wish you the best in this difficult situation. Sometimes the most trying situations are the ones we can grow the most through, however much we might wish we were not in them.
Yes!!! This is so true. I’ve gone no contact and blocked my mother on everything. She tried to guilt me by saying that I shouldn’t block her because she could die at anytime, that life is short and anything could happen, which didnt faze me one bit. I’ve made it up in my heart and mind that I want nothing to do with her for the rest of my life. She had MANY opportunities to become a decent person but instead she chose to be cruel and vindictive.
Please never feel guilty about deciding to end or limit your relationship with the narcissist parent, never feel guilty about how you decide to treat them regardless of their age because remember this: they destroyed you and your life ever since you were a tiny, innocent helpless child that didn't even do anything to incur their twisted behavior!! They never felt guilt or remorse or compassion and NEVER WILL!! So please never ever feel guilty towards them, you have every right to feel all other feelings but they don't deserve your guilt. Do it for your hurt inner child, they need you to stand up for them. Lots of love from a fellow narcissist abuse surviver❤💜
I can't believe I have lived this narcissist, golden child (sibling), scapegoat (me) my entire life & I am just now (in my 60's) learning about it. So sad.
Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Book by Karyl McBride This book helped me in so many ways. I want to always share it as much as possible. ❤ healing and hope for all!
You’ve nailed it! This video describes my life and current circumstances perfectly. It’s a very difficult, frustrating and sad situation. And unless you’re living it, other people just don’t get it.
The best thing you can possibly do in my experience is get away from these people and go no contact for good. They are proof that age does not necessarily bring wisdom, and often does the opposite by making their bad traits worse. And whatever you do, do NOT feel guilty about saving yourself. You have ALREADY PAID THE PRICE for your freedom by enduring years of their abuse. Best of luck to all who are enduring this nightmare.
For years, I asked my mother to move closer to me so I could care for her as she got older - but she always refused to leave her home. Now, she is frail and can no longer function by herself. She won't consider moving to assisted living, and refuses to allow home health care workers in her house. (quote"I don't want strangers in my home!"). Instead, she wants me to abandon my home and my husband - and move across the country to be her live in care taker. She has no regard for how this would impact my financial stability, or the strain it would place on my marriage. When I refused to move - she stopped taking my calls. Apparently her "mother's love" came with conditions. Please pray for me, friends... I am in an impossible situation.
Her silent treatment reaction shows how she still tries to manipulate you. Stay strong... you made good options so it is her choice, don't blame yourself.
It’s a hard place to be in I also offered my mother to move closer but she refused long ago before she got older she’s in a home now and expects me to visit her often gets anger and also uses emotional stuff I’m sick I can’t be alone today or constantly going to the er department.it’s been drawing been doing this for four yrs I got to set boundaries when I do she tells me how lonely she is don’t want to live .constant calling all day I need to change it’s such a hard lesson to learn I’m a codepedant and an enabler it has to start with me
I said goodbye 12 years before her cancer came back and killed her…. Never wanted her money didn’t care…. To cause trouble after she was gone … put in a trust my brother got half and my 2 kids got the other half… my brothers 2 girls wasn’t named at all in the trust…. He caused a lot of trouble with my golden brother….. they want to always cause trouble
Thank you!!! You taught me what a malignant narcissist is years ago. Todays video hit the nail on the head in describing my mother to a T. It also reminded me that there is good life and relationships even in the midst of grieving and healing. Today mom would have turned 90 and I find myself feeling some compassion for her because she missed out on 3 generations of a fantastic family. What a great loss for her. At the same time a great joy for me to see my grandchildren growing up in healthy and loving homes. Working through the pain and trauma and learning new skills has been invaluable! Thank you for all you do!
I’m sorry that happened to you too💖 It’s the worst!!!!! My father stole my SSI as a minor for himself then forced me to give him my paychecks when I graduated high school. If I didn’t work to give him money to take care of him by force, I was abused, assaulted, etc until I caved. Evil, pure evil. No contact is the right way to deal with evil parents💯👍🏻
My vulnerable narcissist Mother is 90 and her traits are worse than ever. She lives with me so she would have a good end of life. Her favorite go to is triangulation. My brother is 70 years old and ignorant of her tactics. He is a useful idiot. I am exhausted. Suggesting that I get counseling sounds good but I work full time and the cost of counseling is exorbitant. She is truly evil. I am currently watching TH-cam videos on how to counter the manipulation tactic of triangulation.
My Golden Child bother (a Xerox copy of his mother) was forced to take care of her alone when she was sick and dying, as I went NC with them all 7 yrs ago. My discusting brother couldn't even find it in his black and empty soul to tell me she had passed and I found out months later thru my cousin. My brother was burdened with her and she was absolutely horrible to him when she waa sick, so they both got exactly what they needed in the end. Ultimately, a sad waste of a miserable existence. I was relieved to know she was finally gone.
Excellent video! This is the very best advice I have ever heard regarding difficult elderly parents. Back in the day when I was working as a Certified Geriatric Care Manager, I had many clients with a “difficult” parent(s). And in those days we didn’t have the terminology or understanding about narcissistic people. I would see families who self admitted they were abused as children but they came together anyway to hire care for their elderly parent. And then there were other families who fought and argued about hiring care. So it’s not only dealing with a “difficult” parent, it is also the dynamic of dealing with siblings too. Perhaps some siblings had therapy and found their boundaries and some not. I even had quite a few that were caring for their parents from around the world. Thank you.
I’m actually afraid to write my actual comment out of fear THEY may somehow stumble upon it. My husband and I are both dealing with this issue each with our own mother. That’s right! TWO aging narcissistic mothers at the same time. Each with their own unique flavor of narcissism. We need to find a good therapist. Anyways. You’ll have to read the book if I decide to write it.😢 thank you for this video. I’m going to have my husband watch it too.
“ She didn’t prepare me for life in the real world, she did not support me in anything, she wanted me weak and controllable. She wanted my life to be difficult when it didn’t have to be. She wanted me to fail. She interfered with me just becoming me and enjoying life.”. (someone else’s quote- but my experience)
This was my experience as well.
I’m a nurse in long term care. I’ve had patients who’s kids never come around and I don’t blame the kids at all. In fact I’ve seen some that still show up and I can’t believe they are still getting emotionally abused. You should not feel obligated to care for someone who was emotionally or physically abusive
Hit the nail on the head. Is this from a book?
And mine.
Same
Narcissistic parents do not get wiser with age. They do not get better either. They get worse, much worse.
Usually true, and, as Jim Brillon stated in the video, sometimes they "soften" . . . (? around the edges, a bit?).
The unfortunate part is by the time they are old and need help, the damage
has been done and they have completely alienated those whom they expect to help them, because of their
long history of abusing them.
This is discouraging to hear but good to know
They slip up on their intentions more.
@@KaarinaKimdalyThey only appear to "soften" because it's out of pure desperation & survival...They don't truly soften if it's full-blown NPD, they just lean more into covert narcissistic behavior to try to keep some fool around to help them🤢🤮.
They want sympathy and empathy but they never showed me any. Only contempt and disgust
Thanks dad
my dad blamed for his arthritis operation
I don't want any family heirlooms and precious old junk or any money enough to put up with anymore drama. It's not worth it!
Same. Not worth it. That's her only hand -- manipulation. I'll have none of it. It is better to break the generational cycle of abuse. My kids are loved, and I have better friends than my emotionally immature narcissistic parents had. Their friends are scary. The relatives that stayed in contact with them are also scary. I am happier many states away from them, and learning to parent my kids from better role models.
Yes. It is not worth it. It is just stuff. Junk.
You described everything I experienced as if you watched it with a camera.
This is so good and a reminder for me to keep an emotional distance. My mom is 92 and a covert hypochondriac narcissist. She tries to keep my brother and I stirred up emotionally with her trips to the ER for very minor, old age symptoms. All our lives she has been either sick or upset about her marriage and expected us to make her happy. There were times she seemed caring, which made it worse because she would draw us back in. She complained my whole wedding that her back hurt, and that’s the story she tells everyone about the time of my life that should have been a joy for her. We moved across the country to help my brother deal with her and dad 2 years ago. Dad is gone now and she lives alone. I fight to keep the boundary…. We refuse to move in with her because we lived there for 6 months and she wasn’t happy. NOTHING will make her happy and it’s true that they WILL NOT CHANGE. I’m so thankful for videos like these because they have helped me so much. I’m taking care of myself and doing things that fill me up and spark my passions. It’s getting to the point where mom is getting worse and we have to make some decisions and get home care, or Assisted-living. She constantly tells me that she’s glad she was able to take care of her mother, which she only did three months out of the year for about two years, and even when she did that, she was mean to her and yelled at her. She tries to make me feel guilty and I let her for a long time, but now I feel free. It’s sad that parents like this force us to harden ourselves towards them just to have some peace.
I could have written this, almost identical to my experience. I have such compassion for her as she ages and have found putting strong boundaries in place has helped and a realization that I am also important, her cup will never be filled by me or others.
My mom ( in assisted living) constantly brings up how lucky my dad was to have her to care for him during hospice. My sisters and I almost called adult protective services on her because she was so demanding and mean to him.
I feel like somehow yall are my siblings, these are my thoughts. All except my mom is still in her home. She wasn't mean to my grandparents but she likes to tell me how great she was to them. She even asked me recently, "I wiped papa's butt, are you willing to wipe mine?" I would have loved to answer back something snarky like "can't wait", but I just said yes.
Lord help us
@@flowerpower3618 Same. My mother was hoarding the house up until my dad couldn't even pass his wheelchair through the hallways, so I did call Adult Protective Services, because we argued constantly about making the house safer. She refused to dehoard, like a petulant three-year-old. Finally, when my dad was diagnosed with cancer, before he was even discharged from the hospital, she withdrew all the money from their joint bank account and put it all in a new account with her-name-only. I didn't find out about it until later, when she asked me to help her order checks because she couldn't figure out how to order them. She wanted to put my dad's name on them, but .... um.... he wasn't on the account. Then I asked her where was her Social Security going... where was my DAD'S SOCIAL SECURITY GOING? She had no clue what damage she'd done. Life-long selfishness. So I tried to help her, and she got paranoid and blamed me for trying to control her life. Life-long stealing from others..... leads to paranoia about everyone stealing from them. It's insane. For my own legal safety, because she's gone psycho, we are no-contact. I can't be accused of stealing, if I'm nowhere around this vicious woman. Oh... and she stole my dad's wallet, and watched as both he and I searched the house for it for WEEKS. Finally, he accused me of stealing it. Turns out, months later, it was found in her purse. She enjoyed triangulating me with my dad. Narcs are scary. Elderly narcs are psychopaths. Beware. Once you understand your mother was a malignant narcissist, divorce yourself financially and stay the heck away from them. I think she even did something to my daughter, because I let her give my daughter a bath during one of our visits to their house, and my daughter started screaming. I ran in there, but didn't see anything wrong. But after that my daughter NEVER wanted to go into that bathroom again. Nor does she like my mother. No contact. It is the only way for me and my kids to ward off this evil woman.
@@kellyrhoads1067 Answer back! She can't slap you across the face anymore because when you're an adult, it's a crime!
My 93 year old mother is still at it. I have minimal contact with her - even though I miss my dad who is her enabler. It boils down to protecting my health and sanity. They will be gone someday, but I hope to preserve the remaining life I have.
I feel for your situation.
If you miss your Dad, could you take him out of the home so that you could visit with him privately, even briefly?
I say this because it sounds that he could benefit from the love of you, his child, and it sounds that you do love your father.
We never know how long our loved ones will exist on this earth, so don't
put off showing your love to him, please.
Why do these people live so damn long!!!
@KaarinaKimdaly My Dad was "not allowed" to have any contact with me without my Mom being present. It was an unspoken rule that we heard loudly. It was more important to him to keep the peace with her, than have a real relationship with me. I feel guilty saying that because he was a very kind person (married his opposite!) R.I.P. Dad!
The older they get, even if you’ve gone minimal contact, the more they filter you out so the family hate you when they pass.
I’m slowly coming to terms with losing most of my family to her venom and manipulation.
The same here how we will stay noramal and healthy
🙏
Gen-Xr here. We are dealing with a NATION/ generation of Narcissistic aging people. (the BOOMERS).
they've always had whatever they wanted, and they plan on it continuing to be that way.
If you tell them they can't, they get extremely upset, violent and throw a fit.
and yet, in their minds, they think I'm supposed to make no more than minimum wage my entire life and live under the poverty limit (its madness.)
I'm so sick of it, I don't even talk to them anymore.
Thankfully after growing up being the scapegoat in a family with a mother and sister who were narcissists. My mother at the age of 93 has mellowed. I still cannot trust her and she still finds ways of manipulating and degrading me. The behavior is much less that ever before. I do make myself available and help her when I can. I have strict boundaries and taking good care of myself today. About 5 years ago I went no contact with her for over 2 years. That is when I think she got the message that I wasn't going to put up with her crap any more and she made changes. However the sister is still a flaming narcissist, I deal with massive conflict when it comes to any communication. So it's minimal... grey Rocking.
The growth process I have went through learning how to disengage, not get hooked into a manipulative conversation, not feeling guilty, not responding to traps. has been a long process. I went through years of counseling. Today, I can say I am a healthy happy person. Thank God!
Get healthier so you can stop accepting even a slight amount of abuse. Seriously.
Gemmarose's advice is very valid.
I wish I would've known back then what I know now. Dealing with my aging narcissistic parents would've been VERY different. Listen to this advice multiple times if you need to and follow it as best as you can. Aging narcissistic parents are no joke. Stay safe ❤
Thank you sir ,your spot on my 97 year old mam is a covert and i still live close to her and watch her its hell ,but on my own ive been spending less time with her and protecting my peace ❤
Oh my gosh....when my malignant narc female producer finally died in 2020 - age of 92! guess what - even the devil was not quite ready to put that evil reptile narc finally in her very own created hell - Went into no contact finally at the age of 56! - had to tell her at the phone.....to finally kiss my a.... that kind of language she did understand promptly!!
Went into no contact from now on - and never went back - did not even go to the narcs funeral! Had to protect myself from toxic family mispoke!
And last not least - finally found me a well educated trauma therapist - recently- at the age of 64 years, now.
Kept searching about decades over here in Europe/Germany until I was lucky enough to find me - a real good therapist. Most therapist over here do not know enough at all - about narcissism - and the narc abuse from early childhood on, right. Old rept. narcs getting worster than ever. BEWARE OF THOSE MONSTERS!!
I’ve lost all my closest friends while healing from childhood wounds and I recently moved home and now I’m micromanaged, gaslit, and obsessively being helped like I am a child. I am 34. My friends are getting married. I appreciate all of the free content online. If I am not working I am depressed because I am there.
I’m also threatened to be taken to get help while my mother refuses to go to therapy with me and blames everyone around her.
I NEEEED to hear this all on repeat until she passes. Maybe longer, idk. This. is. my. life!!
Thank you so much for this video and thanks to all the people who left comments. I feel validated after reading all the comments. Only people with toxic narcissists as parents can understand what we go through. Children with normal parents can’t relate so it’s difficult to find people who can support you.
This is really good. One of the best and most complete run downs I've heard and EXACTLY what I needed to hear right now while caring for my 80 year old mom who has cancer.
This video perfectly describes The situation with my NPD mother, who may be in the beginning stages of dementia. Thank you for validating that I’m not crazy in what I see. I am my mothers primary caregiver right now and life is really difficult.
This video describes my life with my covert narc mom. She’s 82 and I’m 62 and I have gone through therapy and am very low contact with her. Thank you for this video. It helped me to see it’s not me. I’m not crazy.
Thank you! Not sure if you look at these comments but every single thing you have said is what im living.😔
Every single thing he said I'm living too...and have been living most of my life
Me too. I felt like he was speaking about me 💔
Wow. Every moment of this talk is spot on and useful for me. Thank you.
I agree
Wow. I have been trying to understand myself and my parent relationship as I provide daily care for my parent who is now under hospice care. A person with narcissistic tendencies really does struggle as they age and lose being the center of attention. Your insight was extremely helpful and left me with my mouth open at times with increased understanding of some of my patterns throughout life…. I feel seen, validated and encouraged with additional tools to love my parent, ( and myself) well in this last season of their life. Thank you!
My evil mother has early stage dementia & she won’t get any help from me. She’s sick in her head.
Thanks so much for this video. My father is a 92 year old narcissist squared. Your outline was very helpful. It’s sad but actually a relief to know I’m not the only one who has dealt with this. Always thought my family was just a dysfunctional family.
I moved my parents into my home 2 yrs ago to retire my covert narcissistic mom, which i didnt know thats what she was at the time, i just thought we just didnt get along, and my enabler dad. However my mom was just disrespectful and intolerable the entire 2 yrs. So i evicted them 3 weeks ago and have now been no contact for a week now. My dad is 75 and my mom is 68. What they do from this moment on is no longer my business or concern.
Boomers threw Cozy out on 18th birthday, zero warning. After being homeless for a while, Army recruiter found Cozy and halp Cozy get paperwork - social security card, birth certificate, State ID. Cozy enlist in Army and got blowed up. While recovering at Walter Reed, a 30 minute drive, father said he was too busy and had to work. We no talk until 15 years later. Cozy comfy medically retired, father found Cozy e-mail and asked for help - mom left and took 50% of his pension. His health declining, said Cozy "owed (him)"
Cozy said Cozy had to work and had no time or money, enjoy ghetto nursing home.
Mrs. Cozy's parents live in our guest cabin they're from old country and care about us.
Fin
Thank you Sir.
This video is very complete and concise.
It is a confirmation of what I believe since around 5 years. It took me around 2 years before that of reading books on the subject and watching videos on TH-cam to really understand this personality disorder and realize my father is a malignant narcissist and will never change. I am his 58 year old daughter and he is trying to hoover me back in and go live in Peru where I was born and he still lives. Hoovering me with his money; he is a rich and powerful man.
I just subcribed to your channel. My usual language is French. I live in Switzerland.
Thank you for this video. It was so helpful and calming. It was a challenging day and this gave me the ability to release some guilt and offer myself compassion.
I feel like this needs to be 2 different videos one for scapegoats and one for golden children.
You can be both
@@thereisnosanctuary6184No you can’t. I wish I were the golden child!
@@Gemmarose9012
2 vs 1.
I win.
My narc mother conned me out of all my money 25yrs ago She is 97
you are WAY too kind, as some of them are truly a nightmare to deal with. These evil entities (in particular - if this condition is on a spectrum) belong in seperate units inside an ageing persons facility - and that is being merciful! if you have an ageing sociopath parent who has targeted you , its only way to heal and stay sane. There is a story of a friend who simply could not do it anymore. her older sibling 'golden child' took in the ageing narc and after some time- even he put the ageing narc into a facility. Not one of the children of this individual could manage them. Even past age 85 years, the narc was sharp as a tack, and lied to and decieved caregivers outside the family. the factthat they get worse with age is so tragic for them and their families. what creates such horrible persons, it begs the question. their entire lives just - ugh their are no words. deeply tragic. not everyone deserves to have families.
Thank you for this video. I recently found out my Narc. Dad who's all alone has dementia. We've been no contact for 2+ yrs. He just got out of hospital. Next week is his bday. I'm working up the nerve to call him. I'll try to keep your wise advice in mind, especially not defending and taking everything personally.
Lol, A couple of years ago, I had gone no contact for 3 years. After my dad passed away , Mom had a fall , needing hospitalization . My sister called me and now I was drawn back into this pit of vipers.My sister lives 500 Km away. Mom has care givers come in 4-5 days a week. I have been visiting about once a week sometimes more to take her to her appointments . Twice in the last month she has canceled the appointment twice after I drove the 20 miles to her house , and last week I went to see her when the doctor made a home visit. I do her banking to pay her bills , do her grocery shopping, call her doctors, take her to appointments etc. While the doctor was visiting she became extremely rude to me and tried to shame me infront of the doctor for not calling her to let her know the doctor was coming. ( I had to take care of my own medical needs that day prior to go to her house). Then she told the doctor she had not seen me for many weeks. ( a bold faced lie) I went off to pay her bills and do groceries for her after the doctors visit and on my return a neighbor had stopped by, Mom was grining like a cheshire cat..... she had gotten her narcisistic feed..... this whole thing makes me sick, but she has already changed the will so that my sisters family ( the golden child ) get 3/4 and my family gets 1/4 of the estate. I would like to go no contact again , but don't want to loose that remaining quarter ( about $ 350,000.00) My sister and her daughter have multiple times changed the locks on her house and recently tried to set up an answering machine to her phone that they can acess and made her ring tone to 2 rings so she never gets calls...... I hate all this. The happiest time of my life was when I was no contact with this whole sick family and could pay attention to my own family. Mom is 91 and I am 68.
Currently going through all of this and have been most of my life..I'm 53 years old and I only just became aware that my father is a narcissist a couple years ago. It's definitely not easy..not easy at all !!
Thank you! For all that you have to say regarding this mentally delibitating problem for SO many!!🙏
Asian cultures are different. Elders are seen and youngsters are invisible.
Their monsters unforgiving hateful vengeful they have a murderous spirit😮
So, my Narc Mother remarried shortly after my Father died. He had several properties that he left in a will for my brothers and myself.
After she passed 2 years ago, i found out that her husband remarried within 9 months after her death. My mother also changed the will so he would get everything.
Im glad i went no contact several years before she died. I was indifferent about it all. My brothers however are suffering.
Thank you so much. This video came up out of nowhere and this, I feel like was God’s way of speaking to me. I’ve been feeling a lot guilt lately. Thank you again
Like a script if my life with my mom, verbatim ! Thank you
My mother got so much worse as she aged. OMG, sooooooo much worse. No contact bad.
Wow….ty so much Jim….what a thorough, concise, informative video….goes for npd siblings too
100 percent accurate, so helpful!
Thank you for this validation of our experience.
this is just spot on.. i like to hear more about grandparents and the roles they give to they grandchilds.. my parents put out traps for my boy to prove he is naughty, so they are entitled to talk very bad to him, and my sisters girls are the cuttest pink pleaser prinsesses..
I reconect with my narci cover parents cause my father was in the hospital.
The moment I got this called, I felt anxiety.
I was in NOT CONTACT for 4 years and My husband and I felt weird and concern.
It's a lot is going in our personal life, proyects and the stability of our kids and us.
My father has an infection, But after talking to him, little by little became Manipulations, tears, I got blame for his health , depresion.
My mother altso plaid kind, poor me, "We are family" ..
And my sister who lives in other country is controled by them (fly monkey)
Only in 3 days and then..PAM
The real faces were comming out again.
Devaluation, complaing, gossip, bragging, braggin about money, comparison,
And I couldn't take any more...
It's Christmas time. My children are first.
Of course..I'm the Evil, I was allways "The evil kid"
Thank you ❤
Great video that touches on so many relevant points.
The problem is I know she's manipulating me to get to me... She does it on purpose. Her and my sister act identical... I never recognize that before... both enjoy playing mind games.. it makes me so mad.. because I feel so freaking gullible
This is very true
A good segment might be a cage match between you and Dr. Todd Grande.
Wow
This is so helpful. Thank you. Very validating
Thank you so much. I needed this today. 😢
My grandma is a narcissist and has put her hands on my mom this year in June and left her with bruises and my little brother was there to witness it. We all don't know what to do we live with grandma and my mom is disabled so she doesn't have a job right now but she gets disability so she is able to pay the bills. She also blames my mom for my aunties murder even tho she had no cuntrol over the situation that my aunti got herself into. So right now we are recording the arguments and the yelling.
Yes, own mental (and physic) health issues, severe ones, i can't anymore, i'm a bit on 'no contact', my husband sees my parents weekly, it's my mom... my father is sucked in her spiderweb... what's the use if 'we' suffer & die earlier... so harsh... Dear Jim, is it please possible for u to do less 'dings bells' etc, it gives so much nerves... friendly asked, hugs to all here, from Belgium
Hi Mona my mother did exact thing no help from in home support wanted me to move in with her. Don’t do it mom was in snf for four years now assisted living put her in assisted living
My narsisist father that scapegoat me and destoryed my life and ruin my potential is now exposed in the whole family and he fears for his life believing that i am.going to hurt him (and i believe he deserves evrything) i wont do it but living in that fear is how he made me feel as a child so i believe its proper Justine for a chronic child abuser
I wonder if the dementia - narcissistic connection has to do with constant lies and not much genuine fulfillment
I don't know for a fact that my aging mother is a narcissist, but our relationship has always been difficult and it's getting more so as we get older. I love my Mom , I care about her and I want to spend time with her, but she doesn't understand me and I don't think she ever will. She loves me, but she doesn't like me. I always expect more from her though, I want her to understand the fact that I have a mental illness and sometimes am moody and difficult myself, but I can't always control myself. I get so angry with her, sometimes I feel as though I am testing her, how much B.S. will she put up with and still care for me? but mostly I want to get along with her, I am the only one who can take care of her now, though she is pretty independent. My brother(whom she always called her "favorite") committed suicide a couple of years ago, leaving me to deal with all of the end of life "stuff" and I feel it is overwhelming. She really upsets me when she says I'm insane, she has little compassion for what I go through. She's such a smart ass sometimes, and knows how to push my buttons and wants to control me. I stay with her sometimes maybe too often as I am a lonely single person in a small rural town in midwest, she is someone to talk to , but we always end up fighting. She wants me to spoil her like my brother did with many gifts and outings but I am on SSI don't have a lot of money and don't like to drive. I feel bad that I can't give her what she wants. She gave me everything.
It’s not very encouraging to read all these comments regarding their 90+ yo parents!!!! Ours is only 84!! Do we really have another 10-15yrs of this bullshit!?!?
This. My mother might still live 15 years and I'm allready struggling after one year. I'd be almost 70 years when this is over.
Thank you, very helpful.
Thank you for this video. I have a question, though. What did you mean by “the caretaker dies before the Alzheimer’s patient” @11:45 ?
He meant the carer dies before the abuser. The narcs tend to live long
I have been married to one for 53 years, and when I was younger i was so angry with him, now I just feel sorry for him, I know I will be gone before him, his health is super extra good, he might go on for another 20 years so the point I am trying to make the kids will NOT want to look after him when I am gone so what happens to a narcissist when the career is gone???/
I live in a joint family setup and I am unable to move out. Feel helpless at times
That why the Elohim said put him first. People are subjected to trying to bring you down when they have a demonic spirit.
This is fantastic. Watching this is like being seen and heard. Extremely validating for my experience right now. Thank you! Will be back for more healing talks. 🙏🏻
If they need end of life care I don’t care. Look in the yellow pages.
Thank you so much for this video. Really helpful
Clicked every single box. All the way to her bedside at the end. I hoped for a better end, better closure for her and for my sister and I, but it didn't happen. We felt only relief on the way Home. Her reign was finally over. We hope wherever she went after death is a better place than what we envisioned. She never expressed an interest. She sang Amazing Grace from time to time, but it felt more like mocking to me. This from the person who confessed to trying to kill me before I was 2 years of age. The sidenote is that our father was her enabler all of their over 60 years of marriage, even in the nursing home together. When he died, she did not grieve normally. He just wasnt there to serve her anymore.
My Fad hates me. I bested him. I had toys he always wanted, i built skills he never had. I havent talked to gim in 14 years.
I'm moving back to the city where my mother lives. She is going to live with my family. I'm super concerned because in the past when I have tried to get along with her. She always sees only the bad and the negativ e.She is a bully. What should I do?
I’d be very careful she doesn’t destroy your family, turn your children against you, triangulate etc.
I'm also moving back to the area my mother lives in France (I'm still in the UK for now). It should be interesting. It doesn't mean I have to get in touch though..
But how do I know if they are an elderly narcissist or just getting older and reverting back to frail child?
Everyone can occasionally display narcissistic traits.
But a true NPD equates control and dominance over their supplies as "love", and anything less as "hate". They also use an array of methods to punish people for perceived slights.
A healthy/normal mind doesn't at all think about trying to control and punish grown ass adults like that.
Nursing home!
Thank you❤
so pertitent and helpful thank you
I forgive her.
Thank you very much for your good work here on yt for telling the truth to the people.
You are SO COOL 😎!!!👍
Thankyou
No I'm dealing with a sick twisted stalker who gets off on insulting my intelligence because he knows I know he's full of shit
Its hard not to take it personally when they ruin the quality of your life, and are nice to others
100%-YES!!!
My 93 year old mother can make me physically sick. She refined her skills with age
93..... Damn.... I hope like hell my mom won't live that long. LOL I don't know whether to leave my comment there, or tell you how truly sorry I am for yours going on that long.... its kinda a nasty thing to say to most people that dont understand thougb. (hugs)
i believe it! my narc mother is 88 and she has fine-tuned her toxicity. Such a good victim-player and manipulator.
@@cindy7733i am starting to belive it is a serious spiritual affliction
My 92 year old father is the same way. I'm sorry.. I'm leaving within 30 days.
good for you. and i'm so sorry. i know it was a difficult decision. people don't understand the guilt and confusion one feels when his/her toxic parent is aging. i'm proud of you. i still haven't mustered up the courage. @@suzanpeters1093
Thank you Thank you Thank You! My 84-yr-old covert narcissist mother has always had everyone fooled. She is super hard to be around and I have been doing the “Grey Rock” thing for years now without even knowing what that was! Her constant STARES and need for gossip to criticize others and build herself up are so tiring. She’s a lifetime victim. Just EVERYTHING you’ve mentioned in this video is SPOT ON. Makes me feel so much better knowing I’m not crazy
You described my narc mother perfectly. I still occasionally fall for her sneaky tricks (absolutely devious, like using my brother's email account instead of hers).
Waw spot on ,my 97 year old mam is exactly the same
I feel bad that it has taken me over sixty years to greyrock. Now entire family is saying how cruel I am and how I will regret the time I don't spend with her. I am regretting the time I have wasted being abused
Mine (75) is like that too. Always criticising others. I grew up in that atmosphere. And her playing the eternal victim.
Me too!@@carolstellman3632
Put their narcissistic wicked arse in a nursing home……. Now I know why nursing homes are packed.
How do you pay for that when the narcissist was irresponsible with their money and is broke?
Some places have low income assistance care programs.
I don’t know. Put them in a corner somewhere. The Time Out Corner.
I’m going No Contact for a while. Thinking about sending First Alert brochure.
@@andreacravinhos9603 Medicaid
My elderly mother would be thrown out. She is absolutely obnoxious in every way.she has kept me ill for many years. She triangulates all the time. Never being shown love for your own mother is tough.I am grieving for the life I never had.
@lynn, you are not alone. But looking back is sorrow. It has taught me to be independent I left at 16 as soon as I could. I go to God and the Lord Jesus has saved my life many times. The Lord knows everything all things he knows our past and our future. When you love God he will turn bad things into your good just like he did with Joseph. But sometimes he instructs us to walk, turn away from wicked people. Second Timothy chapter 3 I would not let her make you sick anymore. Go to God, The Lord he promised to never leave us pray for forgiveness for you and her and he will help you and direct you the way you should go. I wish you PEACE AND LOVE. And don’t let the wicked ones steal it from you.
"Caretakers often die before the Alzheimer's patient does."
Realizing that with narcissistic parents at age 30, having moved back in after a divorce with a narcissist, im already dying. My health has been horrible my whole life and no doctors can tell me why.
I want to leave so bad.
You may need a support group perhaps of people who can understand and mutually bolster each other's spirit, or at least one real friend and/ or a wise therapist, imo.
I was in a somewhat similar situation quite a few years ago, and that is why I'm responding.
You can get through this, however much you may feel disheartened due to the toxicity in the household.
Persist in awareness, persist in love.
You cannot change other people, only yourself, by growing in awareness, love, and actions of self- advocacy.
Ultimately we are all connected, whether people see it or not. That said, try to remember it.
Don't give yourself away to people who will drain your energies dry through their selfish subterfuge and do not withhold yourself from what the Best part within you suggests.
At the very least there are online platforms like this one, which can be really quite helpful when they are of the excellent caliber of Jim Brillon's and a few others, but adjunct to this digitally mediated data, one needs real human connection, imo.
If you have been molded by your parents into bearing the onus of a shame-based identity, you will need to learn to give that up, unlearn it.
If you are a religious/spiritual person remember that you are a valuable human and remember that within you is the Presence, in your very Center. . .
Pray and be Practical. Refrain from preying upon others. Do not let the narcissistic/arrogant sociopathic/psychopathic types in life take away your essential value. I.E., Do not let the toxic people bestow their shadow self upon you by trying to define you.
You get to define yourself through your good-hearted actions and realistic optimism.
I certainly wish you the best in this difficult situation.
Sometimes the most trying situations are the ones we can grow the most through, however much we might wish we were not in them.
😢💔🫂
So sorry... i feel physically sick as well. This is so sad and unfair. Why God??
This happened to me, I now have POTs, gastritis, so many gut issues, and potentially pancreatitis.
@@ilovedogs938 geesh, sorry to hear that. I'm curious- are there any occultic connections or affiliations in your bloodline? If so I can help
Aging narcs want what they never gave you
Never go back!
EXACTLY!
@@cindy7733
Please do not go back. You will not regret it.
Yes!!! This is so true. I’ve gone no contact and blocked my mother on everything. She tried to guilt me by saying that I shouldn’t block her because she could die at anytime, that life is short and anything could happen, which didnt faze me one bit. I’ve made it up in my heart and mind that I want nothing to do with her for the rest of my life. She had MANY opportunities to become a decent person but instead she chose to be cruel and vindictive.
Amen!!!!!!!!!🥰💖✨👍🏻💯
Please never feel guilty about deciding to end or limit your relationship with the narcissist parent, never feel guilty about how you decide to treat them regardless of their age because remember this: they destroyed you and your life ever since you were a tiny, innocent helpless child that didn't even do anything to incur their twisted behavior!! They never felt guilt or remorse or compassion and NEVER WILL!!
So please never ever feel guilty towards them, you have every right to feel all other feelings but they don't deserve your guilt. Do it for your hurt inner child, they need you to stand up for them. Lots of love from a fellow narcissist abuse surviver❤💜
Dealing with this now. I need to get away! Just cruel to me!
Yes....Thank you for your comment....very helpful
I can't believe I have lived this narcissist, golden child (sibling), scapegoat (me) my entire life & I am just now (in my 60's) learning about it. So sad.
Better to finally have the vocabulary so that you can educate, heal, and protect yourself further now.
😢 Yes ...😢
I'm 64 and am coming to the conclusion this is definitely narcisstic behavior..
It hurts ..😢
It is.. and imagine the generations b4 you who never learned what it was at all.
Took me four and a half decades to know. Education is unlocking so many from this beast.
Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
Book by Karyl McBride
This book helped me in so many ways. I want to always share it as much as possible. ❤ healing and hope for all!
You’ve nailed it! This video describes my life and current circumstances perfectly. It’s a very difficult, frustrating and sad situation. And unless you’re living it, other people just don’t get it.
The best thing you can possibly do in my experience is get away from these people and go no contact for good. They are proof that age does not necessarily bring wisdom, and often does the opposite by making their bad traits worse. And whatever you do, do NOT feel guilty about saving yourself. You have ALREADY PAID THE PRICE for your freedom by enduring years of their abuse. Best of luck to all who are enduring this nightmare.
For years, I asked my mother to move closer to me so I could care for her as she got older - but she always refused to leave her home. Now, she is frail and can no longer function by herself. She won't consider moving to assisted living, and refuses to allow home health care workers in her house. (quote"I don't want strangers in my home!"). Instead, she wants me to abandon my home and my husband - and move across the country to be her live in care taker. She has no regard for how this would impact my financial stability, or the strain it would place on my marriage. When I refused to move - she stopped taking my calls. Apparently her "mother's love" came with conditions. Please pray for me, friends... I am in an impossible situation.
Her silent treatment reaction shows how she still tries to manipulate you. Stay strong... you made good options so it is her choice, don't blame yourself.
Hire a caregiver. She will need one.
Don't move. I gave up my job and had mine move in, an invalid. It's hell.
Don’t feel guilty for not moving it’s your life .Setting boundaries is the best thing I’m going thru same thing
It’s a hard place to be in I also offered my mother to move closer but she refused long ago before she got older she’s in a home now and expects me to visit her often gets anger and also uses emotional stuff I’m sick I can’t be alone today or constantly going to the er department.it’s been drawing been doing this for four yrs I got to set boundaries when I do she tells me how lonely she is don’t want to live .constant calling all day I need to change it’s such a hard lesson to learn I’m a codepedant and an enabler it has to start with me
The threat of taking me off of the will is something I hear almost every since year.
Do it. Get taken off the will, because the will is sure as hell not worth it your mental health or peace of mind.
Me too.
There probably isn’t even a will to begin with.
@@KosmicN. Agreed. I’d be surprised if there is one, in my parents’ case, anyway.
I said goodbye 12 years before her cancer came back and killed her…. Never wanted her money didn’t care…. To cause trouble after she was gone … put in a trust my brother got half and my 2 kids got the other half… my brothers 2 girls wasn’t named at all in the trust…. He caused a lot of trouble with my golden brother….. they want to always cause trouble
Thank you!!! You taught me what a malignant narcissist is years ago. Todays video hit the nail on the head in describing my mother to a T. It also reminded me that there is good life and relationships even in the midst of grieving and healing.
Today mom would have turned 90 and I find myself feeling some compassion for her because she missed out on 3 generations of a fantastic family. What a great loss for her. At the same time a great joy for me to see my grandchildren growing up in healthy and loving homes. Working through the pain and trauma and learning new skills has been invaluable! Thank you for all you do!
My mother demanded me to pay my own bills when i turned 14. No child should be used like this.
I’m sorry that happened to you too💖
It’s the worst!!!!! My father stole my SSI as a minor for himself then forced me to give him my paychecks when I graduated high school. If I didn’t work to give him money to take care of him by force, I was abused, assaulted, etc until I caved. Evil, pure evil. No contact is the right way to deal with evil parents💯👍🏻
That is a way for narcissists to tell their victims that they are worthless.
My vulnerable narcissist Mother is 90 and her traits are worse than ever. She lives with me so she would have a good end of life. Her favorite go to is triangulation. My brother is 70 years old and ignorant of her tactics. He is a useful idiot. I am exhausted. Suggesting that I get counseling sounds good but I work full time and the cost of counseling is exorbitant. She is truly evil. I am currently watching TH-cam videos on how to counter the manipulation tactic of triangulation.
May G-d bless you.
Therapy is too expensive!
You tube videos have been helping me.. for FREE 😊
My Golden Child bother (a Xerox copy of his mother) was forced to take care of her alone when she was sick and dying, as I went NC with them all 7 yrs ago. My discusting brother couldn't even find it in his black and empty soul to tell me she had passed and I found out months later thru my cousin. My brother was burdened with her and she was absolutely horrible to him when she waa sick, so they both got exactly what they needed in the end. Ultimately, a sad waste of a miserable existence. I was relieved to know she was finally gone.
i will not take their behaviors personally, not explain myself or engage...i know they wont change
Excellent video! This is the very best advice I have ever heard regarding difficult elderly parents. Back in the day when I was working as a Certified Geriatric Care Manager, I had many clients with a “difficult” parent(s). And in those days we didn’t have the terminology or understanding about narcissistic people. I would see families who self admitted they were abused as children but they came together anyway to hire care for their elderly parent. And then there were other families who fought and argued about hiring care. So it’s not only dealing with a “difficult” parent, it is also the dynamic of dealing with siblings too. Perhaps some siblings had therapy and found their boundaries and some not. I even had quite a few that were caring for their parents from around the world.
Thank you.
I’m actually afraid to write my actual comment out of fear THEY may somehow stumble upon it. My husband and I are both dealing with this issue each with our own mother. That’s right! TWO aging narcissistic mothers at the same time. Each with their own unique flavor of narcissism. We need to find a good therapist. Anyways. You’ll have to read the book if I decide to write it.😢 thank you for this video. I’m going to have my husband watch it too.
It is exhausting
Exactly!
Extremely exhausting...daily