I love scheduling sex! While we don't put it in the calendar, it's usually a text to let the other person know what we want to do. I absolutely love it because I'm such an organised person, and I couldn't be any less spontaneous if I tried! I also have several chronic illnesses, so scheduling sex in on rest days is really important for me. I, personally, find planning it really sexy. I like to have time to make myself look nice, and create a calming environment. It's not to say all of our sex is like that, but when it is - those are usually the best times! Loved this video, and love love love having you back!
As a person with very high libido, scheduling sex or rather its opposite, scheduling time without sex is also really helpfull. If I schedule days without sex, it helps me freeing my mind of unwanted horny thoughts. If we say "we have sex only in the evening", then I know that I don't have to "hope" or try to find the slightest inviting sign from my partners in the morning. Otherwise it is always on my mind a bit like a mental charge, which is very tiring in the long run.
I love this! It also sounds potentially helpful for folks with RSD. "I don't have to be constantly worrying that my partner is ignoring me in the morning, because we only have sex at night".
My gf likes to schedule sex, while I like to do it spontaneously, so we came to a simple agreement. She schedules sex and doesn't tell me about it, but instead just goes at it.
@@GreenePearl @GreenePearl My exact question. Maybe the commenter has a higher sex drive, so they're always "up" for it, but are willing to have sex a little less often to account for their partner's needs?
Turn the scheduling on its head: phrase it as "we are not *allowed* to have sex until this day". That way there will be an element of naughtiness which will build up even more excitement and arousal for the actual day ;)
I’m lactose intolerant and don’t always avoid dairy.. so yeah sometimes I ask if he thinks he will be in the mood that night or not .. so I know if I can eat the forbidden cheese or if I should avoid 🤣
Do lactaid/dairy aid pills work for you all? They work great for me..still have to consume dairy in moderation (only a couple times a week MAX) but it keeps me away from the toilet and terrible intestinal cramping
This is a great topic. I don't have a lot of experience with scheduling sex and I'm currently single but I think it can be really helpful, especially if you are both/all quite busy. But I saw some comments saying that scheduling sex would give them anxiety. In that case, I think it might be helpful to schedule "intimite time together" or "sexy date" or whatever else works for you. In that case you both/all know it suggests sex but it can also be anything else that you find intimite. Like a massage or even just a romantic dinner, deep conversation or snuggling while watching a movie.
I’m autistic, so scheduling sex - even if it’s just a quick “Oh let’s plan to have sex tonight” - gives me and my partner time to physically freshen up. Good hygiene (e.g. five minutes to rinse off) right before having sex puts my mind at ease and makes me feel more comfortable, something spontaneous sex doesn’t give me. Also, being in a long-term relationship, a great way to try new things since some things require more prep!
Both my gf and I are asexual with pretty serious mental health problems, as well as I have sexual trauma, so we actually have a system to kinda "schedule sex" we have color changing lights and we set them to pink when we're in the mood. It takes out the anxiety of figuring out how to say "I wanna bone" in a sexy way without a) triggering me b) taking away from taking care of the other's mental health and c) worrying about the other's sexual desire at the time. We either just go "nah" or switch the light back to normal. It helps a lot with our anxiety. We also both have images of pink light bulbs in our phone's camera rolls for when we aren't near the light controls xD
@@kunpunko no harm in trying to understand! Asexuality is an umbrella term referring to a spectrum of people who experience little to no sexual attraction. This also comes with 3 primary attitudes toward sex; sex positive, sex neutral (don't actively think about it enough to have feelings either way), or sex negative/repulsed. It is also important to remember that libido and attraction are two different things and frequently operate separately. Every person on the ace spectrum is going to experience different libido, different levels and frequencies of attraction, and partake or not partake in sexual activities for different reasons.
I could see this being really useful to assist getting back into sex following a sexual assault / trauma (like myself). The planned controlled nature of scheduled sex could be empowering and a more secure environment while you're still getting comfortable again.
My husband and I were really struggling with our sex life for a lot of different reasons. We sort a couples counsellor and agreed to have sex at least once a week on a specific day. It's really helped our relationship. It means we have this specific time together, lighting incense, playing music we like.
Through watching your videos and learning more about responsive desire, it's made me feel a lot less like a freak than I used to! The gym metaphor is amazing. I may not be in the mood, but if I go for it anyway, then my body responds and actually wants to! Thanks for talking about the stuff other people shy away from - you've made a difference in so many lives 🥰
As somebody (despite my gender being female) who almost exklusively experiences spontaneous instead of responsive desire that was an interesting perspective (and made me feel like a bit of a freak again for not conforming to gender norms 😆 - then again ascribing only responsive desire to people of non-male genders does feel a bit like reinforcing stereotypes of weakness / passiveness in these genders imo). If I'm "not in the mood" it's usually because I feel disgusting / fat / bloated / generally unsexy in my body and being touched in a sexual way is the biggest turn-off imaginable in that situation instead of responding with desire.
Great video. I, in my ignorance, never understood/really thought about what "scheduling sex" could mean. Now that I understand that even a simple text "Hey, want to get spicy later?" might be considered scheduling sex, that's cool. I love nuance and caveats and a deeper understanding of various topics.
I know in the video you focus on scheduling sex with a partner, but personally for me I also it good to mentally block off some time for solo sex too. Now that you have Rowan I can imagine you having a greater need to schedule sex given how demanding and constant a baby is!
The training metaphor rings so true for me! My desire has recently become incredibly responsive, meaning, I have to actively keep sexuality on my mind by reading books, listening to podcasts etc or else I will just forget it exists as a possible activity? Ironically my queer sexuality is a big part of my identity. So what do I do? I practice sex and keep sexuality on my mind. At this point it's basically a hobby.
As someone with ADHD, the novelty-dopamine-sex connection is so fascinating to me! I don't know how much neurodivergence factors into research about desire and intimacy (if at all), but I do know that once my chronically low-dopamine brain and I have lost interest in an activity, it's almost impossible for me to get back into it until it's been several months and I've thoroughly forgotten about it and then feel sufficient enough guilt about abandoning it in the first place to then restart it with another fleeting burst of intense focus 😅
@@chaoslab I love that your username is chaoslab! In part because it reminded me that chaotigender and chaotisexuaul are words that exist! They generally describe the unique relationship that some with ADHD have with sexuality and gender since we don’t experience time or identity the same way! Not that this person isn’t Ace but neurodivergence really changes ALL of your life experiences!
I needed this video so much. I am in a loving amazing relationship but I have a lot of insecurities and dysphoria about my genitalia and sex. Scheduling sex has often been the only way that I can feel comfortable so I can have time to mentally prepare and I do end up enjoying it. Thank you so much for helping people like me feel seen
I needed this reminder. Scheduling has worked for me in the past, but we got busy enough that we stopped doing it for a little bit and never got back into it. I also love the discussion of responsive desire, as it plays a huge part in how desire works in our particular partnership. This video made me feel a lot better about scheduling
This format is AWESOME. Your last video mentioned guest hosts, but I didn't expect a back and forth and I really think this works. Great video topic and execution, really.
It seems like often in relationships, we want our partners to intuitively know and understand our wants and needs. Whether it be sex, gifts for your birthday, or what you need when you're upset. Things seem to go much more smoothly in relationships when you simply communicate what you want and need, and scheduling sex is a great tool for communication.
I think that’s moreso a female thing, at least in my experience, I realize my girlfriend is in many ways “alien” to me (as comfortable and easy as i am with her) I wouldn’t even understand expecting her to see the invisble 🤷♂ What do you think? Am i generally right, being too presumptive?
@@MackNcD My experience has been about equal between different genders, but I can see where you're coming from. I have noticed a lot of women being upset with their partners for not reading their minds. But I don't think it's generally an exclusively female tendency.
Communicating desire and expectations by sending flirty texts with my husband has been great for both of us, and yes even if we just spend time connecting verbally, that time set aside to be intentionally together is so valuable!
I remember at like 13 years old I would babysit my cousins from time to time. My aunt and uncle had a calendar on the living room wall, with a red sharpie on every other Saturday it was circled and had sex written inside it. I used to think it was so funny and weird that they did that until I got into a relationship with busy lifestyles and now i do something similar lol
Me and my hubby have sheduled sex most of the time. I like showering before, making sure I am clean so I feel totally comfortable. So I'll say, "hey I'll shower today" and he'll know.
Omg. I needed this video. Husband is definitely more into spontaneous sex whereas I find we have so much going on in our lives (children, work, cleaning, dog etc etc etc) that if he initiates spontaneously I find it hard to switch off from day to day life and really be in the moment. This has inspired me to schedule sex for us but not tell him about it so I can get in the right headspace/mood and he can enjoy the spontaneity of it!!
Someone above commented similarly - this is such a clever workaround! What happens if your schedules don't align, though? Does that just never happen because he's always game?
i would probably hate it cuz then something is expected of me which would make me feel pressured and kill the mood cuz let’s be real, canceling plans is always a dissapointment, which nobody likes to make. that’s why i can’t do seggs dates either. i love the anticipation of ”let’s see what happens” and having the freedom to just go with the flow and make decisions on the spot. i can’t know in advance if i want it or not, and usually want it less the more it’s expected.
I don’t know if this could help, but when we schedule sex it’s less “planning to have sex” and more “planning to *think* about having sex” … that way no one feels bad about not being up for it, but we still intentionally gave space to possibility without outside influences.
With scheduled sex, it is about planning a moment for that exact 'let's see what happens'. Rather than having to wait for or produce a spontaneous moment which itself can cause a lot of pressure. As the person above said, it's about scheduling considering sex - puts you both on the same page that there's a time you can expect to be approached, as opposed to just being spontaneously approached whenever and hoping things line up. In my relationship, the spontaneity actually improved with scheduling because my partner feels less pressured because there's a time we've set aside to think about having sex, so if they don't want it spontaneously there's not a feeling of guilt that they're disappointing me which just kills the chances of spontaneous sex.
Hannah, this video was exactly what I needed today, my long term partner and I have been struggling with our differences in desire and it is causing so much contention in our relationship. I am going to use this video as a jumping off point to suggest options for scheduling sex opportunities. Thank you!
"Published 4 mo ago" is making me laugh! So keen to get to watch the floaters finally, I've been so curious! I love scheduling sex, but I think it works best when the pressure is off. The calender is blocked out, but it's not on the to do list. Means I can properly focus on my partner and not think about other stuff.
This is such an interesting topic and never had the need or opportunity of scheduling sex. And we should talk more about this. And I think if anything is much much sexier than "spontaneous" for the reason of being able to get excited about it.
Thank you for this video!! The unrealistic idea that sex needs to be spontaneous and unplanned to be sexy and romantic caused such a strain on my relationship early on, once we started scheduling, it really took so much pressure off and helped reduce a lot of other anxieties be changing my view on what was "required" for good sex to happen
My parents had a phrase of ‘tonight?’ if one was going to bed earlier to watch some tv and not want me or my brother to know if some action might be on the cards…I cottoned on quickly 😂
Do you think me scheduling sex and 'surprising' my partner would work? I've suggesting scheduling, and he said that it would suck the fun out of it. And while I'm often in the mood, it's not when he is, so we don't have it a lot. I think if I could schedule it for me, flirt and hint to him that he'd feel it was spontaneous and go for it. When I've flat out asked for it before, he usually said no 🙃
My long-term boyfriend likes listening to podcasts while at work, so I'm going to send this alternative to him to enjoy and hopefully consider! This definitely deserves a discussion, for sure 😏 I'll try to let everyone know how it goes!
I'll admit, I've never considered how scheduling sex could work for some people until now. I've only seen it in sitcoms when a straight couple are trying to conceive, and it's always made me think _"Why not have sex as often as you usually do, just without a condom? Don't turn this into a chore!"_
I know you’re not actually asking for an answer to the conception question, but I have a couple friends who’s libidos are lowest around the time they ovulate - simply responding to their libidos alone would have meant never getting pregnant. One of them went ~6 months of casually trying to conceive before tracking ovulation & discovering the conflict.
I experience pretty painful sex if I have sex more than once a week. My vagina gets super sore after sex. We do everything right with foreplay but my body just can't handle more than once a week, and that's okay! So we schedule sex for once a week during the weekend. Scheduling it is the only way we can do have sex that's comfortable for me. I don't think I could ever ever do spontaneous sex!
Exams used to cause me severe pain, but I'm enrolled in pelvic floor therapy (it's tons different than when I tried it years ago), plus see a Fascial Counterstrain therapist for generalized pain and it's really helped me with external sensitivity and soreness as well, in case anyone would like to explore those options.
As someone who's ace AND very avoidant, I was very afraid of the idea of sex being always open when it first happened with my partner. So what we are doing is nor exactly "scheluded sex" but we have defined some times where it is a question (right now once a week but may change in the future) and thus we know it will probably happen then unless one of us doesn't feel like it. And the rest of the time we don't have to worry about it, which is a relief for me 😊
I definitely noticed this in the past few years. For the first two years of the lockdown I started living with my long term partner of 6 years. We went from seeing each other once a week and having sex every time, to seeing each other all the time and having sex maybe once a month or sometimes even every other month, because we didn't make time for it. Now that we have been broken up the past 6 months, I notice that I have to schedule to see my FWB's, and then i have time to get exited about sex again, so I notice I am way more turned on. I guess it's just really responsive desire. If I ever live together with a partner again, I will definitely bring up scheduling sex!
Never realised that this was a proper "thing" 😂 My partner and I both work shifts so are constantly checking when the other one is home and if we both happen to be home at the same time with some free time we'll often put it out there as a possibility and see if we both fancy it.
Scheduling sex is great! My fiancé and I both have kids and live in separate houses, we've been together for 6 years and still cannot afford to move in together so our time is extremely precious, we schedule everything and kids always come first. My house is a bungalow my 14 year old sleeps in the next room so sex is difficult when kids are home however it does then give way to other intimate times, playing board games, watching TV, us both spending time with the kids etc then when they stay at my mums-once a week, it's a given that that is our date night, no phones no distractions just us being together making the time and putting in the effort. Relationships can be hard but having those foundations and expectations of eachother is super important. I found this really interesting!! Xxx
For me and my partner, scheduling sex does not work, because we both then feel lots of pressure and then are not in the mood for it. However, it is so good to hear that it works for different people! Thanks for the video :D
As a demi-grey person, any partner I have is likely to have a lot more sexual needs then me whereas I rely a lot more on emotional intimacy. Scheduling a regular date/sex night seems like a great way to make sure that both our needs are met.
As a step parent and business owner. I can say with all certainty that sometimes planning sex is a must regardless of if it being sexy or not. You still need concent and sometimes you may need to reschedule sex if plans change which they can and sometimes do.
My husband and I are trying for a baby and I always left like a failure when I tried to initiate things and he wasn’t up for it or in the right head space! Dr. Liz said so many awesome things that I needed to hear. I’m so so happy you and your videos are back!!
Scheduling sex is somewhat important in my house, since the walls are thin. Good to know that I need to make myself scarce from the house. Also my current relationship is part long distance, we talk most days but in person is harder to work out because lining up 2 schedules is HARD! Planning for that is important so we know what we are doing when we meet irl.
quick comment, did not have time to watch vid at the moment ... but your tag line caught my attention ... am in the camp of where foreplay is an ongoing thing, not just in the short time leading up to the act .... god forbid that I ever get to that stage that my every move is dictated by my calendar, life is too short for that .... well done on the wee bundle of joy ... thx for sharing .. as always .. never stop dreaming, just dream bigger .. have fun be safe, save our oceans ....
I think it definitely depends on what the other half is like. I’m single now but one girlfriend I had would schedule sex and always cancel it for any reason and after being excited and it happening all the time you start to think it’s you. So my girlfriend after that was totally different and we never needed to schedule because we did it pretty much all the time when we got together and it was random and exciting. I don’t usually comment but I always watch your videos I find them interesting
I love scheduling it in as a stay at home mum, I love to know when I have time to spend together. My husband finds it overwhelming though as he has a very physically demanding job and some days are more exhausting than others. We're struggling at the moment to find times when both of us are in the mood and our daughter is also asleep 😂 we just spent our first night away and it was a lot my god, first time we've done anything more than once in 2-3 days (more often 5-12 days) for the last 2 years!
Ok, I have a question: doctor Powell says that at the beginning of a relationship, spontaneous sex works really well... but what if it doesn't? Is it normal? I am in my first relationship at 25 years old, it's recent, it's been a bit more than a month. I want to explore intimacy and sex with my partner but I am quite scared... I've been in a wheelchair my whole life, I have CP, and I'm usually NOT connected to my body at all, so being spontaneously connected to my body / my pleasure is very difficult for me. Plus, as a wheelchair user, I'm usually not spontaneous at all in my day-to-day life (every single thing has to be planned). When my partner initiates more intimacy I get scared because I'm not prepared. Should I suggest scheduling intimacy? Maybe it could help...?
You could agree on scheduled closeness time rather than scheduled sex - knowing that at some point, having done it enough times, eventually that closeness time can lead to sex. But before that, just agree on talking, hugging, touching and getting more comfortable with intimacy.
Talk to your partner! Maybe there is something you two can come up with that can help you prepare and they'll have a better understanding of your struggles and needs and you'll get closer in the process :)
In addition to the other comments I think it's really important to remember that the 'experts' are referring to a wide group of people in studies and anecdotal experience, but by no means are they giving prescriptive advice. Our sex lives are all very unique and individual and what is 'normal' for some may not work for others, and vice versa. Don't let the anxiety of not fitting the 'normal' mould of spontaneous sex at the beginning not necessarily working for you affect your sex life! ❤️
It’s also important to remember that there’s significantly less general spontaneity early in a relationships - if you don’t live or work together, one or all parties literally have to plan for every interaction. As someone who had a very high libido for most of my dating life, almost every date felt like scheduling the possibility of sex. My point, I guess, is that “normal” is weird and even when people think their having spontaneous sex, it’s not necessarily completely spontaneous, so don’t stress if you are uncomfortable with spontaneity!
@@ElizabethChronis Yes it is like that for us since we don't live or work together. I don't have such a high libido, especially since this is my first relationship, I still have trouble letting myself go and I tend to feel a bit scared when things become more intense. This makes me feel not normal as well, since I'm 25 and we've been dating for almost 2 months, I feel like I should want to have sex, and I don't necessarily... Since we're both shy if I don't state what I want very clearly nothing happens, because he doesn't want to do anything I don't want to (which is great), but stating the things I want is harder than I imagined ^^
My partner and I have been discussing our sex life since I read Mind the Gap by Dr Karen Gurney. We’ve found that I (F) have more “spontaneous” desire and my partner (M) has responsive desire and is rarely in the mood(though they are tooootally into it when we do have it). We aren’t necessarily outright scheduling sex, but we’ve decided to shower and go to bed earlier each weekend to make space for it, since our typical sexual brake is exhaustion for him and chronic fatigue for me. We’ve also increased our sexual currency so that we don’t feel the pressure suddenly in bed to perform, since we’ve been ramping each other up for most of the day. It’s SO helpful to not have to conform to the typical “3 times a week PIV” sex.
My partner and I do the same regarding going to bed earlier and always showering before laying down and cuddling, that way we have time for it and it doesn't mean it has to happen but the time and space is there
Love love love this idea! We have a similar thing as I use natural cycles as a form contraception and share my data with my partner so he knows when the green day's are 😉 and we always have loose verbal plans to know where are both up for it but not gonna lie may have just sent him a calendar invite after watching this.
One of the things I am hearing here is that sponanious sex is risky sex, and sheduled sex is safer sex. It is going to be much easier to agree on protection methods and implement them if you have time to prepare first over jumping in headlong and not stopping to think.
As a cis hetero man raised in a Catholic household, I was definitely shamed for any sexual thoughts or desires. I really enjoyed the rest of the video though.
I can understand why it may seem like that to some people. However, it all depends on the individual I suppose. Obviously it removes spontaneity but I'm sure you could come up with a way around that.
I feel like there's more anticipation when it's scheduled like you can pick out some thing more sexy to wear or make your room cleaner or send a naughty photo or two and your partner becomes more desirable but it's not for everyone
Hello, i would like to add something about scheduling sex (TW - skip if it's difficult for you to read stuff about sexual assault) My ex boyfriend used scheduling sex as a way to force me into having sex with him. He used that during months and he puts pressure on me, even though i did not want to have sex with him - he still continued to force me. I was forced to choose the days he was going to assault me every week. So even so it can be useful or relevant or fun for some people, it can also be used as a way to force and put pressure on people. And for me, it is now impossible to schedule sex because it's a big trigger.
Not at all. Play Dates are as much fun as spontaneous ones. And as you get older still & you have more kids & they start to grow up.... it's all the more important to make time for each other.
My hubby works 80 hours a week, and flipflops between day and night shifts..and we have a toddler. If we didn't schedule sex wed never get any! I prefer to think of it as prioritizing sex.
We schedule sex, its not like "on the 4th we will have sex" its more like "this evening we will spend time together in bed". Usually when we cant have sex for various reasons like one of us is too tired or has to wake up early mostly due to work. So even if lets say my partner is horny, but tired, he will say, tomorrow we will have all the afyernoon for ourselves. This has worked out well
Hi. Scheduling sex is the last thing I can talk to my partner about at the moment, we can't even talk about intimacy and how to spend more time together, which we need as we hardly spend any time together as it is, and we don't sleep, in all of it's forms, in the same bed.
I used to think that everyone scheduled sex and whenever I would imagine my married I thought to myself if my partner wants sex he has got to tell me days prior and then I can plan a date and then do it I didn't realise it didn't work like that
It's weird cos going on dates, inviting someone you're dating round to watch a movie, or going on a night out with the intention to hook up with a stranger is "scheduling sex" but just cloaked in socially acceptable language. And it *feels* spontaneous because you didnt explicitly say "lets have sex today at 7pm".
It comes with a lot of caveats and creates some expectations. You cannot schedule when you'll be feeling well or poorly; and for those chronically ill and otherwise disabled, nothing feels worse than setting aside time with a love one and having to decline at the last minute over and over again. You begin to internalize some very destructive messaging. It also feels very artificial. I'd rather approach time together organically.
You always say one should pee before sex. Can you explain why? I'd always understood that you should pee afterwards (sort of a rinsing function for the urethra in case anything nasty got in there) but it's not clear to me why you should pee before, especially since this would make it more difficult to pee after? I mean obviously starting sex with a bursting bladder wouldn't be good, but otherwise I don't understand the reason?
Having intercourse with a full bladder can sometimes lead to bladder infections, or even kidney infections as the pressure on the bladder can force urine to back up into the ureters or kidneys. Peeing after doesn’t clean anything as the vagina and the urethra are two different holes.
@@loiscassels8966 Peeing after isn't supposed to clean the vagina, it's supposed to rinse the urethra from any bacteria that might have been pushed in there. Hmmm, I hadn't hear the pressure pushing urine back into the kidneys thing. Will have to do some reading. Do you have any references?
Unrelated but can anyone tell me what Hannah’s earrings are? I see the left one (Hannah’s right, video left) as a nose and now I can’t unsee it and feel like I’m probably wrong 😅
Sometimes it can take a lot of effort to get in the mood for sex so scheduling is great. Only problem is when he suggests, I get myself interested and then the time comes and he's not interested anymore. Very frustrating to finally be in the mood and have nowhere for it to go.
I find that fascinating! The idea that you have “to get in the mood.” It literally, for a guy, is a matter of seeing a butt in yoga pants. The drive is intense and consumes you. I mean the other day at work I had a chick in the cash register station in front of mine wearing yoga pants. The entire day my heart was pounding and i had to constantly shuffle my things around in an attempt to stiffle/hide it. But after awhile you could smell it on me (nothing gross or weird… just the natural scent i was born with) and i had to deal with customers and it was just a whole thing. I couldn’t even wait until i got home i had to jerk off in the car. (20s something, male)
I guess it works for some people but personally it stresses me out. I remember when I was younger, I would only see my partner 1 night a week because we lived in different towns so I knew we would "have to" have sex that night. I felt pressured to do it and therefore didn't enjoy it. Now it's more spontaneous and way better.
I do not feel I can be objective here due to what happened in High School. However I can say that spontaneous sex/romance feels scary, more scary than sex/romance normally feel. Are there any good places to talk about these feelings? (and is it a good idea to tackle this before entering a relationship?)
Hey there :) I think going to a counseling center that fits your topic can surely be helpful. Talking about insecurities or things that happened and still burden you usually makes it easier to cope. Im from Germany, so I dont know any specific spots around your place. Ive heard a lot about better help though, which is online counseling. But I dont have any experience there myself. And to your last question, I think it's even good to talk about it before entering a relationship :) so you can sort things out with only yourself,not having another persons perspective on your mind as well.
@@verenaa1119 Thanks, I had wondered about whether to talk with a specialized therapist. I'll ask my therapist to see if she knows of anything more locally.
As a kinkster, I'm very used to planning sessions, sometimes weeks in advance. We even plan roughly what's going to happen during the session. Never had issues with that, with none of the people I've played with.
I'm glad it works for others, but sounds horrible to me. I imagine my partner would feel rejection even more intensely if she had been planning on having sex on a schedule and I did not want to at that moment.
I hear what you're saying. I wonder if some of the suggestions above about framing it as scheduling "possibility of sex" instead of scheduling "definitely we're going to have sex" would help. You both could find something non-sex to dov that wouldn't make her feel rejected. Just spitballing since no one else responded. Or maybe you both could agree about scheduling the specific day(s) in advance, but you were the one who initiated the time, so you could choose the specific moment.
I love scheduling sex! While we don't put it in the calendar, it's usually a text to let the other person know what we want to do. I absolutely love it because I'm such an organised person, and I couldn't be any less spontaneous if I tried! I also have several chronic illnesses, so scheduling sex in on rest days is really important for me.
I, personally, find planning it really sexy. I like to have time to make myself look nice, and create a calming environment. It's not to say all of our sex is like that, but when it is - those are usually the best times!
Loved this video, and love love love having you back!
yes that's such an important point about rest days!
I also have chronic illnesses and relate too all of this!!!
As a person with very high libido, scheduling sex or rather its opposite, scheduling time without sex is also really helpfull. If I schedule days without sex, it helps me freeing my mind of unwanted horny thoughts. If we say "we have sex only in the evening", then I know that I don't have to "hope" or try to find the slightest inviting sign from my partners in the morning. Otherwise it is always on my mind a bit like a mental charge, which is very tiring in the long run.
I love this! It also sounds potentially helpful for folks with RSD. "I don't have to be constantly worrying that my partner is ignoring me in the morning, because we only have sex at night".
My gf likes to schedule sex, while I like to do it spontaneously, so we came to a simple agreement. She schedules sex and doesn't tell me about it, but instead just goes at it.
Lmao that's great!
Relationship goals
But how do you manage it when you are feeling spontaneous but it's not in her calendar? ;)
@@GreenePearl @GreenePearl My exact question. Maybe the commenter has a higher sex drive, so they're always "up" for it, but are willing to have sex a little less often to account for their partner's needs?
Turn the scheduling on its head: phrase it as "we are not *allowed* to have sex until this day". That way there will be an element of naughtiness which will build up even more excitement and arousal for the actual day ;)
I’m lactose intolerant and don’t always avoid dairy.. so yeah sometimes I ask if he thinks he will be in the mood that night or not .. so I know if I can eat the forbidden cheese or if I should avoid 🤣
🤣
Hahaha forbidden cheese. So relatable. My milkshake brings all the 💩 to the toilet...
I have a lot of digestion issues and your comment had me dying AHAHAH, so true
Totally get this
Do lactaid/dairy aid pills work for you all? They work great for me..still have to consume dairy in moderation (only a couple times a week MAX) but it keeps me away from the toilet and terrible intestinal cramping
This is a great topic. I don't have a lot of experience with scheduling sex and I'm currently single but I think it can be really helpful, especially if you are both/all quite busy. But I saw some comments saying that scheduling sex would give them anxiety. In that case, I think it might be helpful to schedule "intimite time together" or "sexy date" or whatever else works for you. In that case you both/all know it suggests sex but it can also be anything else that you find intimite. Like a massage or even just a romantic dinner, deep conversation or snuggling while watching a movie.
Yes!
I’m autistic, so scheduling sex - even if it’s just a quick “Oh let’s plan to have sex tonight” - gives me and my partner time to physically freshen up. Good hygiene (e.g. five minutes to rinse off) right before having sex puts my mind at ease and makes me feel more comfortable, something spontaneous sex doesn’t give me. Also, being in a long-term relationship, a great way to try new things since some things require more prep!
Both my gf and I are asexual with pretty serious mental health problems, as well as I have sexual trauma, so we actually have a system to kinda "schedule sex" we have color changing lights and we set them to pink when we're in the mood. It takes out the anxiety of figuring out how to say "I wanna bone" in a sexy way without a) triggering me b) taking away from taking care of the other's mental health and c) worrying about the other's sexual desire at the time. We either just go "nah" or switch the light back to normal. It helps a lot with our anxiety. We also both have images of pink light bulbs in our phone's camera rolls for when we aren't near the light controls xD
Yeah my boyfriend does the same, we turn on the changing lights when one of us / both is in the mood that really works well
i really hope this isn’t rude! but if both of you are asexual, why do you have sex? am i getting the definition of asexual wrong?
@@kunpunko asexuality is pretty varied - google it!
@@kunpunko no harm in trying to understand! Asexuality is an umbrella term referring to a spectrum of people who experience little to no sexual attraction. This also comes with 3 primary attitudes toward sex; sex positive, sex neutral (don't actively think about it enough to have feelings either way), or sex negative/repulsed. It is also important to remember that libido and attraction are two different things and frequently operate separately. Every person on the ace spectrum is going to experience different libido, different levels and frequencies of attraction, and partake or not partake in sexual activities for different reasons.
I could see this being really useful to assist getting back into sex following a sexual assault / trauma (like myself). The planned controlled nature of scheduled sex could be empowering and a more secure environment while you're still getting comfortable again.
My husband and I were really struggling with our sex life for a lot of different reasons. We sort a couples counsellor and agreed to have sex at least once a week on a specific day. It's really helped our relationship. It means we have this specific time together, lighting incense, playing music we like.
Through watching your videos and learning more about responsive desire, it's made me feel a lot less like a freak than I used to! The gym metaphor is amazing. I may not be in the mood, but if I go for it anyway, then my body responds and actually wants to! Thanks for talking about the stuff other people shy away from - you've made a difference in so many lives 🥰
That’s so lovely to hear!!
As somebody (despite my gender being female) who almost exklusively experiences spontaneous instead of responsive desire that was an interesting perspective (and made me feel like a bit of a freak again for not conforming to gender norms 😆 - then again ascribing only responsive desire to people of non-male genders does feel a bit like reinforcing stereotypes of weakness / passiveness in these genders imo). If I'm "not in the mood" it's usually because I feel disgusting / fat / bloated / generally unsexy in my body and being touched in a sexual way is the biggest turn-off imaginable in that situation instead of responding with desire.
Great video.
I, in my ignorance, never understood/really thought about what "scheduling sex" could mean. Now that I understand that even a simple text "Hey, want to get spicy later?" might be considered scheduling sex, that's cool. I love nuance and caveats and a deeper understanding of various topics.
I know in the video you focus on scheduling sex with a partner, but personally for me I also it good to mentally block off some time for solo sex too.
Now that you have Rowan I can imagine you having a greater need to schedule sex given how demanding and constant a baby is!
Gosh, now I hope Dan actually sends you a calendar invite 😂
*tries to manifest it*
The training metaphor rings so true for me! My desire has recently become incredibly responsive, meaning, I have to actively keep sexuality on my mind by reading books, listening to podcasts etc or else I will just forget it exists as a possible activity? Ironically my queer sexuality is a big part of my identity. So what do I do? I practice sex and keep sexuality on my mind. At this point it's basically a hobby.
As someone with ADHD, the novelty-dopamine-sex connection is so fascinating to me! I don't know how much neurodivergence factors into research about desire and intimacy (if at all), but I do know that once my chronically low-dopamine brain and I have lost interest in an activity, it's almost impossible for me to get back into it until it's been several months and I've thoroughly forgotten about it and then feel sufficient enough guilt about abandoning it in the first place to then restart it with another fleeting burst of intense focus 😅
interesting!
I’m the exact same as an ADHD adult!! I find it so hard to get into the mood and interested if I’m focused on something else!! 😂
If it isn’t part of the research it definitely should be!
Recommend you look into Asexuality. You pinged my Ace radar.
@@chaoslab I love that your username is chaoslab! In part because it reminded me that chaotigender and chaotisexuaul are words that exist! They generally describe the unique relationship that some with ADHD have with sexuality and gender since we don’t experience time or identity the same way! Not that this person isn’t Ace but neurodivergence really changes ALL of your life experiences!
I needed this video so much. I am in a loving amazing relationship but I have a lot of insecurities and dysphoria about my genitalia and sex. Scheduling sex has often been the only way that I can feel comfortable so I can have time to mentally prepare and I do end up enjoying it. Thank you so much for helping people like me feel seen
THIS IS SOOOOO WHAT I NEED TO HEAR !! 4 yrs in 1 pandemic 1 house perchase and 1 living cost crisis 🙈
I needed this reminder. Scheduling has worked for me in the past, but we got busy enough that we stopped doing it for a little bit and never got back into it. I also love the discussion of responsive desire, as it plays a huge part in how desire works in our particular partnership. This video made me feel a lot better about scheduling
This format is AWESOME. Your last video mentioned guest hosts, but I didn't expect a back and forth and I really think this works. Great video topic and execution, really.
It seems like often in relationships, we want our partners to intuitively know and understand our wants and needs. Whether it be sex, gifts for your birthday, or what you need when you're upset. Things seem to go much more smoothly in relationships when you simply communicate what you want and need, and scheduling sex is a great tool for communication.
I think that’s moreso a female thing, at least in my experience, I realize my girlfriend is in many ways “alien” to me (as comfortable and easy as i am with her) I wouldn’t even understand expecting her to see the invisble 🤷♂ What do you think? Am i generally right, being too presumptive?
@@MackNcD My experience has been about equal between different genders, but I can see where you're coming from. I have noticed a lot of women being upset with their partners for not reading their minds. But I don't think it's generally an exclusively female tendency.
Communicating desire and expectations by sending flirty texts with my husband has been great for both of us, and yes even if we just spend time connecting verbally, that time set aside to be intentionally together is so valuable!
Hannah is the reason I’m gonna get to become an adult who actually knows how to function socially and I thank her a lot for that-
I remember at like 13 years old I would babysit my cousins from time to time. My aunt and uncle had a calendar on the living room wall, with a red sharpie on every other Saturday it was circled and had sex written inside it. I used to think it was so funny and weird that they did that until I got into a relationship with busy lifestyles and now i do something similar lol
Me and my hubby have sheduled sex most of the time. I like showering before, making sure I am clean so I feel totally comfortable. So I'll say, "hey I'll shower today" and he'll know.
Love that!
Same! That's why scheduled only works for me, I have to shower especially since I work in a hospital. Feeling unclean makes me feel unsexy 😂
"My hubby and I", not "Me and my hubby". "sheduled sex"-is that what you do when you're drunk?
@@filthiestfish do you feel good now?
@@vanessalyst yes 😊
Omg. I needed this video. Husband is definitely more into spontaneous sex whereas I find we have so much going on in our lives (children, work, cleaning, dog etc etc etc) that if he initiates spontaneously I find it hard to switch off from day to day life and really be in the moment. This has inspired me to schedule sex for us but not tell him about it so I can get in the right headspace/mood and he can enjoy the spontaneity of it!!
Someone above commented similarly - this is such a clever workaround! What happens if your schedules don't align, though? Does that just never happen because he's always game?
i would probably hate it cuz then something is expected of me which would make me feel pressured and kill the mood cuz let’s be real, canceling plans is always a dissapointment, which nobody likes to make. that’s why i can’t do seggs dates either. i love the anticipation of ”let’s see what happens” and having the freedom to just go with the flow and make decisions on the spot. i can’t know in advance if i want it or not, and usually want it less the more it’s expected.
I don’t know if this could help, but when we schedule sex it’s less “planning to have sex” and more “planning to *think* about having sex” … that way no one feels bad about not being up for it, but we still intentionally gave space to possibility without outside influences.
I feel the exact same way! I’m surprised there aren’t more comments like this…
@@becg5243 same this whole video made me anxious for this reason
With scheduled sex, it is about planning a moment for that exact 'let's see what happens'. Rather than having to wait for or produce a spontaneous moment which itself can cause a lot of pressure.
As the person above said, it's about scheduling considering sex - puts you both on the same page that there's a time you can expect to be approached, as opposed to just being spontaneously approached whenever and hoping things line up.
In my relationship, the spontaneity actually improved with scheduling because my partner feels less pressured because there's a time we've set aside to think about having sex, so if they don't want it spontaneously there's not a feeling of guilt that they're disappointing me which just kills the chances of spontaneous sex.
Hannah, this video was exactly what I needed today, my long term partner and I have been struggling with our differences in desire and it is causing so much contention in our relationship. I am going to use this video as a jumping off point to suggest options for scheduling sex opportunities. Thank you!
"Published 4 mo ago" is making me laugh! So keen to get to watch the floaters finally, I've been so curious!
I love scheduling sex, but I think it works best when the pressure is off. The calender is blocked out, but it's not on the to do list. Means I can properly focus on my partner and not think about other stuff.
hahahaha
This is such an interesting topic and never had the need or opportunity of scheduling sex. And we should talk more about this. And I think if anything is much much sexier than "spontaneous" for the reason of being able to get excited about it.
Thank you for this video!! The unrealistic idea that sex needs to be spontaneous and unplanned to be sexy and romantic caused such a strain on my relationship early on, once we started scheduling, it really took so much pressure off and helped reduce a lot of other anxieties be changing my view on what was "required" for good sex to happen
This video came out at the exactly perfect time! I was just considering raising this with my partner but felt a bit nervous about it before this video
My parents had a phrase of ‘tonight?’ if one was going to bed earlier to watch some tv and not want me or my brother to know if some action might be on the cards…I cottoned on quickly 😂
Do you think me scheduling sex and 'surprising' my partner would work? I've suggesting scheduling, and he said that it would suck the fun out of it. And while I'm often in the mood, it's not when he is, so we don't have it a lot. I think if I could schedule it for me, flirt and hint to him that he'd feel it was spontaneous and go for it. When I've flat out asked for it before, he usually said no 🙃
My long-term boyfriend likes listening to podcasts while at work, so I'm going to send this alternative to him to enjoy and hopefully consider! This definitely deserves a discussion, for sure 😏 I'll try to let everyone know how it goes!
I'll admit, I've never considered how scheduling sex could work for some people until now. I've only seen it in sitcoms when a straight couple are trying to conceive, and it's always made me think _"Why not have sex as often as you usually do, just without a condom? Don't turn this into a chore!"_
I know you’re not actually asking for an answer to the conception question, but I have a couple friends who’s libidos are lowest around the time they ovulate - simply responding to their libidos alone would have meant never getting pregnant. One of them went ~6 months of casually trying to conceive before tracking ovulation & discovering the conflict.
@@ElizabethChronis Oof...
I experience pretty painful sex if I have sex more than once a week. My vagina gets super sore after sex. We do everything right with foreplay but my body just can't handle more than once a week, and that's okay! So we schedule sex for once a week during the weekend. Scheduling it is the only way we can do have sex that's comfortable for me. I don't think I could ever ever do spontaneous sex!
Exams used to cause me severe pain, but I'm enrolled in pelvic floor therapy (it's tons different than when I tried it years ago), plus see a Fascial Counterstrain therapist for generalized pain and it's really helped me with external sensitivity and soreness as well, in case anyone would like to explore those options.
As someone who's ace AND very avoidant, I was very afraid of the idea of sex being always open when it first happened with my partner. So what we are doing is nor exactly "scheluded sex" but we have defined some times where it is a question (right now once a week but may change in the future) and thus we know it will probably happen then unless one of us doesn't feel like it. And the rest of the time we don't have to worry about it, which is a relief for me 😊
I was with my ex partner for 5 years and we didn't have sex for 3 years, I think scheduling would have helped a lot
Truly amazing video Hannah and the best start after getting back from parent leave. Great format and so informative and fun - I love it :)
I definitely noticed this in the past few years. For the first two years of the lockdown I started living with my long term partner of 6 years. We went from seeing each other once a week and having sex every time, to seeing each other all the time and having sex maybe once a month or sometimes even every other month, because we didn't make time for it. Now that we have been broken up the past 6 months, I notice that I have to schedule to see my FWB's, and then i have time to get exited about sex again, so I notice I am way more turned on. I guess it's just really responsive desire. If I ever live together with a partner again, I will definitely bring up scheduling sex!
Never realised that this was a proper "thing" 😂 My partner and I both work shifts so are constantly checking when the other one is home and if we both happen to be home at the same time with some free time we'll often put it out there as a possibility and see if we both fancy it.
Scheduling sex is great! My fiancé and I both have kids and live in separate houses, we've been together for 6 years and still cannot afford to move in together so our time is extremely precious, we schedule everything and kids always come first. My house is a bungalow my 14 year old sleeps in the next room so sex is difficult when kids are home however it does then give way to other intimate times, playing board games, watching TV, us both spending time with the kids etc then when they stay at my mums-once a week, it's a given that that is our date night, no phones no distractions just us being together making the time and putting in the effort. Relationships can be hard but having those foundations and expectations of eachother is super important. I found this really interesting!! Xxx
Man, I missed this chick when she was gone. So happy for her and Dan.
For me and my partner, scheduling sex does not work, because we both then feel lots of pressure and then are not in the mood for it. However, it is so good to hear that it works for different people! Thanks for the video :D
As a demi-grey person, any partner I have is likely to have a lot more sexual needs then me whereas I rely a lot more on emotional intimacy. Scheduling a regular date/sex night seems like a great way to make sure that both our needs are met.
Worth remembering that for a lot of potential partners, sex *is* providing a form of emotional intimacy, it's not a completely separate desire :)
As a step parent and business owner. I can say with all certainty that sometimes planning sex is a must regardless of if it being sexy or not. You still need concent and sometimes you may need to reschedule sex if plans change which they can and sometimes do.
I prefer not exactly giving consent and having her kind of push it, but everyone is different.
My husband and I are trying for a baby and I always left like a failure when I tried to initiate things and he wasn’t up for it or in the right head space! Dr. Liz said so many awesome things that I needed to hear. I’m so so happy you and your videos are back!!
Just rip off his pants and get at his unicorn horn. I bet he’s down at that point 😁
My previous SO would send a text "I need some stress relief tonight"
Okay...not a problem...got you penciled in :)
Scheduling sex is somewhat important in my house, since the walls are thin. Good to know that I need to make myself scarce from the house.
Also my current relationship is part long distance, we talk most days but in person is harder to work out because lining up 2 schedules is HARD! Planning for that is important so we know what we are doing when we meet irl.
Better to schedule and get some, then not schedule and get nothing
Very much needed to hear the info in this video! Thanks Hannah 💛
quick comment, did not have time to watch vid at the moment ... but your tag line caught my attention ... am in the camp of where foreplay is an ongoing thing, not just in the short time leading up to the act .... god forbid that I ever get to that stage that my every move is dictated by my calendar, life is too short for that .... well done on the wee bundle of joy ... thx for sharing .. as always .. never stop dreaming, just dream bigger .. have fun be safe, save our oceans ....
I think it definitely depends on what the other half is like. I’m single now but one girlfriend I had would schedule sex and always cancel it for any reason and after being excited and it happening all the time you start to think it’s you. So my girlfriend after that was totally different and we never needed to schedule because we did it pretty much all the time when we got together and it was random and exciting. I don’t usually comment but I always watch your videos I find them interesting
This is exactly the advice I needed right now thank you!!!
I love scheduling it in as a stay at home mum, I love to know when I have time to spend together. My husband finds it overwhelming though as he has a very physically demanding job and some days are more exhausting than others. We're struggling at the moment to find times when both of us are in the mood and our daughter is also asleep 😂 we just spent our first night away and it was a lot my god, first time we've done anything more than once in 2-3 days (more often 5-12 days) for the last 2 years!
We're TTA and scheduling sex once I've confirmed ovulation and am no longer fertile is always exciting. As well as at the end of my period
Ok, I have a question: doctor Powell says that at the beginning of a relationship, spontaneous sex works really well... but what if it doesn't? Is it normal? I am in my first relationship at 25 years old, it's recent, it's been a bit more than a month. I want to explore intimacy and sex with my partner but I am quite scared... I've been in a wheelchair my whole life, I have CP, and I'm usually NOT connected to my body at all, so being spontaneously connected to my body / my pleasure is very difficult for me. Plus, as a wheelchair user, I'm usually not spontaneous at all in my day-to-day life (every single thing has to be planned). When my partner initiates more intimacy I get scared because I'm not prepared. Should I suggest scheduling intimacy? Maybe it could help...?
You could agree on scheduled closeness time rather than scheduled sex - knowing that at some point, having done it enough times, eventually that closeness time can lead to sex. But before that, just agree on talking, hugging, touching and getting more comfortable with intimacy.
Talk to your partner! Maybe there is something you two can come up with that can help you prepare and they'll have a better understanding of your struggles and needs and you'll get closer in the process :)
In addition to the other comments I think it's really important to remember that the 'experts' are referring to a wide group of people in studies and anecdotal experience, but by no means are they giving prescriptive advice. Our sex lives are all very unique and individual and what is 'normal' for some may not work for others, and vice versa. Don't let the anxiety of not fitting the 'normal' mould of spontaneous sex at the beginning not necessarily working for you affect your sex life! ❤️
It’s also important to remember that there’s significantly less general spontaneity early in a relationships - if you don’t live or work together, one or all parties literally have to plan for every interaction. As someone who had a very high libido for most of my dating life, almost every date felt like scheduling the possibility of sex.
My point, I guess, is that “normal” is weird and even when people think their having spontaneous sex, it’s not necessarily completely spontaneous, so don’t stress if you are uncomfortable with spontaneity!
@@ElizabethChronis Yes it is like that for us since we don't live or work together. I don't have such a high libido, especially since this is my first relationship, I still have trouble letting myself go and I tend to feel a bit scared when things become more intense. This makes me feel not normal as well, since I'm 25 and we've been dating for almost 2 months, I feel like I should want to have sex, and I don't necessarily... Since we're both shy if I don't state what I want very clearly nothing happens, because he doesn't want to do anything I don't want to (which is great), but stating the things I want is harder than I imagined ^^
I like schedule sex but that doesn't mean I can't sex when ever I have urge
My partner and I have been discussing our sex life since I read Mind the Gap by Dr Karen Gurney. We’ve found that I (F) have more “spontaneous” desire and my partner (M) has responsive desire and is rarely in the mood(though they are tooootally into it when we do have it).
We aren’t necessarily outright scheduling sex, but we’ve decided to shower and go to bed earlier each weekend to make space for it, since our typical sexual brake is exhaustion for him and chronic fatigue for me. We’ve also increased our sexual currency so that we don’t feel the pressure suddenly in bed to perform, since we’ve been ramping each other up for most of the day. It’s SO helpful to not have to conform to the typical “3 times a week PIV” sex.
My partner and I do the same regarding going to bed earlier and always showering before laying down and cuddling, that way we have time for it and it doesn't mean it has to happen but the time and space is there
Hmm Dr. Liz seems like a damn genius. Thanks!
Love love love this idea! We have a similar thing as I use natural cycles as a form contraception and share my data with my partner so he knows when the green day's are 😉 and we always have loose verbal plans to know where are both up for it but not gonna lie may have just sent him a calendar invite after watching this.
One of the things I am hearing here is that sponanious sex is risky sex, and sheduled sex is safer sex. It is going to be much easier to agree on protection methods and implement them if you have time to prepare first over jumping in headlong and not stopping to think.
I definitely blame movies for the myth of spontaneous sex.
24:48 I agree, doesn't need to be on a table, bed is perfectly fine.
As a cis hetero man raised in a Catholic household, I was definitely shamed for any sexual thoughts or desires. I really enjoyed the rest of the video though.
I can understand why it may seem like that to some people. However, it all depends on the individual I suppose.
Obviously it removes spontaneity but I'm sure you could come up with a way around that.
I feel like there's more anticipation when it's scheduled like you can pick out some thing more sexy to wear or make your room cleaner or send a naughty photo or two and your partner becomes more desirable but it's not for everyone
Hello, i would like to add something about scheduling sex (TW - skip if it's difficult for you to read stuff about sexual assault)
My ex boyfriend used scheduling sex as a way to force me into having sex with him. He used that during months and he puts pressure on me, even though i did not want to have sex with him - he still continued to force me. I was forced to choose the days he was going to assault me every week.
So even so it can be useful or relevant or fun for some people, it can also be used as a way to force and put pressure on people. And for me, it is now impossible to schedule sex because it's a big trigger.
I’m so sorry you went through that.
@@laurahrobinson thank you - i'm ok now, i have the most amazing therapist
Thank you for addressing this topic!
Not at all. Play Dates are as much fun as spontaneous ones. And as you get older still & you have more kids & they start to grow up.... it's all the more important to make time for each other.
Thank you for this AMAZING video! So much to think about!
This is great, Hannah!
My hubby works 80 hours a week, and flipflops between day and night shifts..and we have a toddler. If we didn't schedule sex wed never get any! I prefer to think of it as prioritizing sex.
We schedule sex, its not like "on the 4th we will have sex" its more like "this evening we will spend time together in bed". Usually when we cant have sex for various reasons like one of us is too tired or has to wake up early mostly due to work. So even if lets say my partner is horny, but tired, he will say, tomorrow we will have all the afyernoon for ourselves. This has worked out well
Not me thinking the c-word was 'consent' 💀💀💀
i have a feeding tube and a wholeeee lotta scars (dw, my boyfriend is amazing) but your videos make me feel really happy :)
Wow what a great video, congrats Hannah
Hi. Scheduling sex is the last thing I can talk to my partner about at the moment, we can't even talk about intimacy and how to spend more time together, which we need as we hardly spend any time together as it is, and we don't sleep, in all of it's forms, in the same bed.
I used to think that everyone scheduled sex and whenever I would imagine my married I thought to myself if my partner wants sex he has got to tell me days prior and then I can plan a date and then do it I didn't realise it didn't work like that
I don’t believe so! We don’t have kids but because our busy schedule it works for us
It's weird cos going on dates, inviting someone you're dating round to watch a movie, or going on a night out with the intention to hook up with a stranger is "scheduling sex" but just cloaked in socially acceptable language. And it *feels* spontaneous because you didnt explicitly say "lets have sex today at 7pm".
Great video Hannah
It comes with a lot of caveats and creates some expectations. You cannot schedule when you'll be feeling well or poorly; and for those chronically ill and otherwise disabled, nothing feels worse than setting aside time with a love one and having to decline at the last minute over and over again. You begin to internalize some very destructive messaging. It also feels very artificial. I'd rather approach time together organically.
I really loved this!
You always say one should pee before sex. Can you explain why? I'd always understood that you should pee afterwards (sort of a rinsing function for the urethra in case anything nasty got in there) but it's not clear to me why you should pee before, especially since this would make it more difficult to pee after? I mean obviously starting sex with a bursting bladder wouldn't be good, but otherwise I don't understand the reason?
Having intercourse with a full bladder can sometimes lead to bladder infections, or even kidney infections as the pressure on the bladder can force urine to back up into the ureters or kidneys. Peeing after doesn’t clean anything as the vagina and the urethra are two different holes.
@@loiscassels8966 Peeing after isn't supposed to clean the vagina, it's supposed to rinse the urethra from any bacteria that might have been pushed in there. Hmmm, I hadn't hear the pressure pushing urine back into the kidneys thing. Will have to do some reading. Do you have any references?
Great video! THANK YOU!
Unrelated but can anyone tell me what Hannah’s earrings are? I see the left one (Hannah’s right, video left) as a nose and now I can’t unsee it and feel like I’m probably wrong 😅
They look like space shuttles to me!
@@giuliadesai thank you! I see it now!
Okay pause: you’re supposed to pee before and after sex?! My bladder does not allow for that 😅
Before is a preference and after is a must if you want to prevent utis
I've never heard that you're supposed to pee before...
Sometimes it can take a lot of effort to get in the mood for sex so scheduling is great. Only problem is when he suggests, I get myself interested and then the time comes and he's not interested anymore. Very frustrating to finally be in the mood and have nowhere for it to go.
I find that fascinating! The idea that you have “to get in the mood.” It literally, for a guy, is a matter of seeing a butt in yoga pants. The drive is intense and consumes you. I mean the other day at work I had a chick in the cash register station in front of mine wearing yoga pants. The entire day my heart was pounding and i had to constantly shuffle my things around in an attempt to stiffle/hide it. But after awhile you could smell it on me (nothing gross or weird… just the natural scent i was born with) and i had to deal with customers and it was just a whole thing. I couldn’t even wait until i got home i had to jerk off in the car. (20s something, male)
I just know scheduling sex would backfire on my anxiety 😅If it's a routine, though? That would work for me (most of the time) I think.
I guess it works for some people but personally it stresses me out. I remember when I was younger, I would only see my partner 1 night a week because we lived in different towns so I knew we would "have to" have sex that night. I felt pressured to do it and therefore didn't enjoy it. Now it's more spontaneous and way better.
Could someone explain what she means by “completing the stress response cycle” (23:53)? Not sure I’ve heard of that before.
I think it maybe refrences to the book come as you are, but im not completely sure
I loved what you said, it's very cool and you also look very beautiful in this video.
This video could also be called, "Spontaneous Sex: Debunked!"
The answer is yes, but its still sexier than either not having sex, or having sex when one of you is exhausted.
I do not feel I can be objective here due to what happened in High School.
However I can say that spontaneous sex/romance feels scary, more scary than sex/romance normally feel.
Are there any good places to talk about these feelings? (and is it a good idea to tackle this before entering a relationship?)
Hey there :) I think going to a counseling center that fits your topic can surely be helpful. Talking about insecurities or things that happened and still burden you usually makes it easier to cope. Im from Germany, so I dont know any specific spots around your place. Ive heard a lot about better help though, which is online counseling. But I dont have any experience there myself.
And to your last question, I think it's even good to talk about it before entering a relationship :) so you can sort things out with only yourself,not having another persons perspective on your mind as well.
@@verenaa1119 Thanks, I had wondered about whether to talk with a specialized therapist. I'll ask my therapist to see if she knows of anything more locally.
As a kinkster, I'm very used to planning sessions, sometimes weeks in advance. We even plan roughly what's going to happen during the session. Never had issues with that, with none of the people I've played with.
Oh my god my life makes more sense
I'm glad it works for others, but sounds horrible to me. I imagine my partner would feel rejection even more intensely if she had been planning on having sex on a schedule and I did not want to at that moment.
I hear what you're saying. I wonder if some of the suggestions above about framing it as scheduling "possibility of sex" instead of scheduling "definitely we're going to have sex" would help. You both could find something non-sex to dov that wouldn't make her feel rejected. Just spitballing since no one else responded. Or maybe you both could agree about scheduling the specific day(s) in advance, but you were the one who initiated the time, so you could choose the specific moment.