Such a quotable talk! - We are all unreliable narrators of our own lives. - To tell a story is inescapably to take a moral stance. - Stories are the way we make sense of our lives. - The way we narrate our lives shapes what they become. - Change, even really positive change, involves a surprising amount of loss. - What would happen if you looked at your story and wrote it from another person’s point of view? - Life is about choosing which stories to listen to, and which ones need an edit. - There’s nothing more important to the quality of our lives than the stories we tell ourselves about them. What do you want your story to be? Go write your masterpiece!
I I understood it differently. She said that as a therapist, she does not tell people what decisions to make. It is Lori’s job to listen and the woman’s decision to make whether to leave or make things work. She told the husband’s story as a way of helping us to see that sometimes we can get things wrong. That’s why others end up at couples counselling because they have forgotten how to talk to each other and read each other’s actions differently. It is the woman’s job to try to understand what is going on then decide what to do. That’s my understanding
@@lyng7247 then Lori could have had said to that wife " ask your husband and then give him an Ultimatum and then after listenkng to what the husband says...decide...rather than just listening...
My parents got divorced when I was in my middle school. The letters in the talk sound so familiar that when I was little, my dad and mom would tell me totally different versions of the same story, and their words confused me for many years. When I grow up, I realized that it's not about right or wrong. It's just people can only understand the world from their own perspectives, which are usually narrow. And my solution is to honestly express yourself to others, exchange your feelings, your views, or your emotions with your partner, so you can understand each other better. It is so important and useful. Hope everyone can live a happy life instead of being trapped like my parents many years ago
Yes... absolutely right you are, why we have to continue a relationship like a trap, if there is no trust, stop at that , moment,,, how much we open to our partners that much they will trust us.
Just finished her book, "Maybe You Should Talk to Someone". It's, literally, the most 'AHA!" book I've ever read. The stories of her going through therapy and those of several clients lives are SO engrossing. I had to see who this woman is!
_We talk so much in our culture about getting to know ourselves, but part of getting to know yourself is to unknow yourself - to let go of the one version of the story you've been telling yourself, so that you can live your life and not the story that you've been telling yourself about your life. And that's how we walk around those bars_
My wife left me 3 months ago and I lost my job, home and my dog. I've never been happier finding myself. But I do miss my dog. Good luck to everyone out there
Did she take care of the dog mainly? Honestly, tell me if you did much more than she, loved the dog more? If you didn't love the dog as much as her...well... P.S. Best of Luck to you too.
This is very powerful. Editing how you perceive the world and reshaping your responses can lead to deep and powerful changes. I’ve seen it. I’ve experienced it. An excellent TED talk!
Your feelings are subconscious thoughts, and your emotions bounce off of those feelings. So Emotions ≠ Feelings. If you can change your feelings about something (which are just your thoughts) then you can change your reactions. That means you can change yourself. That is powerful. Much more useful than being a victim of "This is just who I am / how it is"
This is mind blowing. One of the BEST talks and such a powerful message. In one of my classes at University, our professor asked us " What would you like the people at your funeral to say about you". Quite a few people said " Oh I would like them to say he/she was a great husband / wife, friend etc etc". Then one guy stood up and said" I would like them to say "Look he is still breathing"!!
"The next time you're struggling with something. Remember that we're all going to die .And then pull out your editing tools and ask yourself : what do i want my story to be ? And then go write your masterpiece . " Lori Gottlieb
I fall into the category of a help rejecting complainer because I feel so stuck, I suffer with major depression amongst other things but when asked what I want my story to be, I just don't care, bring on my death. I suspect that will be the response from many with depression.
It takes some skills to make people laugh, think, and inspire them in a short 15-minute talk! I'm a transformation coach, I know how powerful rewriting your life script can be. When you rewrite your story your life will change, and soon you'll see a shift in the dynamics of your friendships, too. I agree with Lori, it can be scary, even if the changes are positive.
As a lifelong sufferer of PTSD from an early childhood event...I just paused at 7:33 (with tears) because casting off old misperceptions of rejection is like another rejection in and of itself. I have indeed been editing my story for several years now. I know what I want my story to be. You have just given me a window into a future that I can actually get to. No. More like an open door. Thanks.
Since our beliefs are stored in our subconscious mind which has ca 95 % of our mind power we unknowingly PROJECT our believes onto others. In the wives case who had a cheating father her belief was that man are cheaters. Thus, she was unconsciously waiting for it to happen and even participated in it. To reWRITE a story means that she had the opportunity wayyyyyyyy earlier in her life to forgive her father and establish a belief that men are trustworthy. WE are 100 % responsible for our experiences and choices. If we spend most of our time being mindful of our own thoughts and actions instead of giving others, the weather, the boss, the economy, the government, money, disease, etc. our power we'd have a healthier, wealthier, peaceful life. Maturity is a choice. :)
the truth is always subjective though, based on our experiences, beliefs and so many other things, all is a construct, we create our own truths and honesty. Perception is everything is my mantra.
@@christinagiannaros9817 do you percive truthfully or subjectively avoiding the inconvenient truth ? One must know if one can even percive correctly and truthfully with no bias
@@IngridMClark Indeed . It is a choice one has to make. A path one has to choose. To continue in make belief /unforgiveness / bitterness or to find the root problem and deal with it courageously ? To put it in a different way, paraphrasing it . It is a mater of choice to either continue in hopelessness or to let go and forgive so one can move on and make things better. To live right.
Excellent TED talk. Change your narrative. If you think you don't deserve more, you will always settle for the lesser versions of choices, things, people, jobs, etc. Such a process!
Girl... I almost threw my phone this was so good. My good points and takeaways " Which stories to listen to and which ones need to be edited" " I want to change but they are really saying is that they want another character in the story to change" Word of the Day " Ultracrepidarianism- the habit of giving opinions and advice on matters outside of one's knowledge or competence" Girl I know that's right "We must to responsibility for our role in the story" All great key points thank you so much
I am so proud of myself for changing my life. I was into alcohol and drugs really bad and they destroyed my life and I suffered the consequences. I seen how badly I hurt others and wanted to live a better life and become a better person. I went through rehab and got a really good support system who helped me in my recovery not just from addiction but everything and therapy helps. I have the desire to understand people, have compassion, forgive them and want better for them and to bless others because of how badly I was treated. I have let go of abusive relationships because I realized I didn't deserve to be treated bad because I'm a good person I have good people in my life who treat me good. I've got resources to solve my problems, make good out of the bad things, and to live a good life and I'm so grateful.
"If the Queen had balls, she'd be a King!" What a great line! And, I couldn't agree more regarding the change; yes, we all want change but change of other character in our story. That's most of us!
I just finished reading her book " maybe you should talk to someone" and i want to thank you for this masterpiece, it made me laugh, cry, think and most importantly understand that happiness but also sadness are both temporary.
@@Lolipop59 There's nothing wrong with pointing out an error in a public forum. Whether you interpret it as fault finding or as a gentle reminder depends on your mental make up. We're all here to learn.
My situation is exactly like the first letter she read. When my parents split up, I was 11. It messed me up emotionally for years. It was a shock to me because they never fought. I found out later that they hardly talked either. Once you are married with kids there is a lot of investment of every kind (emotional, financial, overcoming hardship and such). I can't just pretend my way out of the situation. I think NOT doing the same thing to MY kids is exactly the right thing to do. I am the hero of my story because I didn't bail on my kids because of what I want. I cared more about my children than I did about myself. I know all about self fulfilling prophecy. I got myself out of financial trouble using that principle. The thing that bothers me is that a lot of stories I hear are people giving up when the going gets tough (divorcing regardless of the effect on the kids) Real heroes do the right thing for the right people and will sacrifice themselves to accomplish that.
Sometimes divorce is the best thing for kids too, it can be better than watching a toxic relationship and believing and learning that is what love or marriage should be. They model their future relationships on that. Being in an environment with endless shouting or passive aggressive and suppressed emotion isn't good. It's personal and different in every case but don't judge anyone who took a different path or assume their kids welfare is worse for it.
We only live once... find out what makes You happy! When You are happy and fullfiled your kids will sence that and they will Be ok as well. Happy balanced parents =happy kids. I'm sure You love them very much.🙏
It sounds like that divorce may still be affecting you with bitterness toward your parents and arrogance toward those whose complex journey contains the pain of having left the marriage.
I'm fell very proud of my parents cause mostly their significant sacrifices for me and my elder brother. My father was also a carpenter and my mother is a housewife. But they lived separated for the professional purpose. Also they didn't show any regrets for their troubles. So I'm glad to having those kind of parents.
OMG!!! I bought her book last year during one of many bouts of anxiety and depression after my husband left our home…not for another woman but because of things we weren’t on the same page on like relocating to another state (at the age of 53!!!)I I was in a continuous mental slump and to cheer me up and gain some insight as to what therapists’ lives can be I purchased Lori’s book MAYBE YOU SHOULD TALK TO A SOMEONE and it is absolutely AMAZING!!! I wish that she could be my therapist. Love love love her.
We can deceive ourselves and create a happy place in our minds and be disillusioned every time that we face reality, or we can wake up, get the courage to face reality and create a happy place based on our reality.
THANK YOU. I have truly changed and my life is altogether changed and I’ve been freaking out! It is hard to celebrate living in/on a blank slate, all “stories” gone, done. You are correct, it’s been very much about having and gaining relationship with personal responsibility. There is one level of responsibility I’ve been really scared of though, it’s a higher level - creativity. The responsibility of creating one’s life. I hope I can be brave enough, after all the changes I’ve been brave enough to make, to create the life story my own heart wishes to tell. Thanks for the lecture.❤️
How you live in the present moment will give you clues about how you will have lived. If this gives you anxiety, then you are taking on too much at once. Stick with where you stand, time and place, here and now, the matter of importance on the table, and what next action is most necessary. Be determined to get it right, and accept that it takes time, awareness, patience and practice. Accept that you already have all the potential you'll ever need, you are enough and ready to be, no more room for doubts. Remember, determination is an emotion, you can positively supercharge/intensify this emotion with great can-do spirit and a positive attitude. Quitting is not an option, only moving forward and insisting on progress and prosperity. Be determined and have faith. You are human, you already have the potential, strength and ability, it is just a matter of you believing more in your greatness or believing more in lack and your fears. Which will you empower to govern your behavior? Are you going to be doubting yourself, or be too busy believing in yourself and doing what you must? Good luck.
@@davidanthony6408 Thank you for what you wrote! Timing was magnificent. How generous of you! I needed that. I will reread it, keep it and keep at it, as I just arrived in new city, new job and new life. Doubt is begging to feed. I finally begin. I have drive, determination, as you eloquently put it. I finally believe in myself. Practicing and letting go, by the hour now. ;). Thank you for reminding me I am and have what I need. Seriously, thank you.
I appreciate this sharing exchange! @davidanthony6408, are you a therapist, coach, or just a wise person who has made the effort to learn through reflections on living?
Wow! This is definitely mind-blowing! Thank you for sharing this principle of rewriting, changing, editing our own stories. Truly, we can be heroes not victims in our live's narratives.
The process of life is dynamic and circumstantial. As social beings, in my opinion, our state of mind is directly linked to how others view us, treat us, accept, or reject us. You hear people say they don't care what other people think about them, but then what is the point of saying such a thing if they truly did not care what other people think? Let us be honest, because we care so much about what other people think, we often end up isolating ourselves or allowing only a select one or two other people into our lives in order to minimize conflict or pain. I sometimes like to ask people how they would feel if they were the only person on earth. The common answer is that they would feel lonely, lost, and afraid. But in reality, isn't that the way many people feel now even though they live in a world of billions. What does that say about ourselves as a species? Every creature we know of will die at some point and because of this, I would make the case that life is the most precious thing we will ever know. For me, this means we should cherish and honor it for the finite resource it is. Imagine how life would be on this planet if this was our mindset. The stories we adhere to directly govern the state of our world. Sadly, from everything I have experienced, a vast number of humans end up living their lives not knowing and appreciating the pure wonder for the process of life itself. I am a firm believer that life is what we make it, which in some sense, I feel is what this video is saying too. I believe that the world could be a much more peaceful and enjoyable place uniformly if this was a major factor in our species world view. The universe is indifferent to what any of us do or don't do, but for each us, the consequences are monumental. Adjusting the course of a mega vessel is no small task, but with sustained effort, a new course can be set over time. We just need to agree on what course we want to take. Lost time can never be redeemed...
This is my favourite TED talk by far, and I’ve seen some very good ones. It’s my favourite because it resonates so deeply! I “co-sign my own BS”!.. I buy into the garbage I tell myself about myself and my life... I can see the etymology, how early trauma (0-2 years, then 2-4 years) influenced this... it’s now my responsibility to “write my masterpiece”... Out of the mud grows the lotus flower... Thank you Lori Gottlieb! I’d like to recommend something:- the grief ceremonies described in The Wild Edge of Sorrow... so healing and beautiful, spiritual.
The essence of life Ms Gottlieb defines at 15:28ff - deciding what stories to listen to and which ones need an edit - seems to be what I'm doing so often when I select books or videos, in stores and on the Internet.
Brilliant. This synopsis of human behavior, driven by ego, shaped and sculpted by our personal myths (narratives) probably encompasses 99 percent of psychology. Its a very comprehensive top-down look at what is wrong with the 80 percent of society and what is right with 20 percent that transcend and take control of their own story to go on and succeed. I'm not sure if there is a single problem that cannot be fit into this behavioral model. It certainly applies to me and to everyone I know. Thank you Lori for waking everyone up.
Your comment is brilliantly stated as well. I'd say even the top 1% people will at times have these stories within their heads. They'll have those inner battles putting self imposed limits on themselves. The only difference is they've either been taught by someone or learned from someone consciously or unconsciously on being much more conscientiously about which battles they have in their lives.
This talk was a total game-changer! I never thought about my life as a story before, but it totally makes sense. I'm definitely going to start paying more attention to the stories I tell myself. Thanks for the incredible insights!
This is a great TED talk, and I agree with much/most of it. The takeaway, if I am not mistaken, is that you yourself have to write your own story. But it misses one very important point: namely that, very often, others write your narrative for you. This happens very often in families. Parents, for example, write the script for their children. This narrative can be broken, but it takes courage, perceptiveness, understanding and determination. It sometimes even requires a complete break with the past. I have observed this in life. It is often no easy task for the person stuck behind those bars. There is an old saying, 'I am the captain of my ship, the master of my soul'. It's true. But under certain circumstances, it is not easy for some people to act on this. So we shouldn't oversimplify the problem. Some people really are trapped in a narrative that other people have written for them.
@@meteor1237 👍 Yes indeed! But many parents, and even siblings, can write the narrative for a person. Very often, the person doesn't realise it at the time. Sometimes, it can only be discerned in hindsight, when it might be too late to do anything about it.
Ms. Gottlieb has a good insight into the "life as a story" perspective. I think it is a very useful tool, especially if you can really see the context of how our lives are more like a story we write as we go on, (our biases) with all the factors that make it seem very interesting and real to us in the present, regardless of the content. When one is first honest about the particular story one carries, the it is possible to be more creative as the story progresses. That also can be a bridge to a form of transcendence because it is only a matter of realizing and admitting that the story may be about your experiences in the past, but you are the knower of it and it is not ultimately what you are because of that.
This is probably the best TED Talk I have seen! This was very engaging, insightful and interesting. As a Mindfulness blogger this invoked inspiration for my work. I also agree with all she said. Definitely got to read her books.
Lori I listened to your audio book recently and I really enjoyed it. I actually didn't recognize you until the part about the gynecologist and the the cartoon with the prison bars. It's great to see the face of one of my favorite books' author.
Hi. I'm new to audiobooks. Could you suggest a good starting point without spending money right away. I have an android phone, a desktop computer, and Alexa. Any tips you can share?
Very inspiring and much need session for current situation where a people take small things so seriously...just live n spread kindness, love, gratitude towards each other...
People always say they want change. Change is scary and difficutl. Friends will tell you not to change. The rewards of a positive change are worth it. The rewards of a negative change are not.
I agree. There has been a lot of trash on TED. I sort of lost interest. But this is quite good. Because I'm also a counselor and I have lost all trust in counseling after having had to see a few myself!
Great Ted Talks!!!!! I’m a therapist in private practice and I will definitely being using this amazing tool. On self and in my practice, wow. Feel like life sent me a cheerleader, I edited my thinking here! Good stuff.
I´ve seen many Ted Talks and many other videos. And by many i mean MANY. Im really interested in psychology and everything about our thinking. This is one of the best videos I´ve ever seen when it comes to reinspecting (is that a word?) ourselfs. Super valuable.
Fabulous! I believe this can be so helpful with many “stories” in life. However, what does concern me is that when your story includes a person who lies pathologically and is abusive, telling this person that their story may not be accurate because the partner has their own story or point of view, it may be damaging. I have begun to “rewrite my story” as I have chosen to escape the horrible abuse that he continues to deny. I despise more than anything that my children have to include any of this as part of their stories.. and I hope that they will choose to write new and happier stories for their future. Thank you! I appreciate your words tremendously!
I started reading Maybe You Should Talk to Someone on a whim when I saw it on the library overdrive app. Her writing is fantastic, I had no idea she was also an amazing public speaker! I don't think I heard a single "Um" or "Uh" through this entire talk.
Lots of practice. Specifically, when it comes to TED, speakers often memorize their entire talk in advance, knowing the potential impact it could have on others... and of course prestige.
What I learned from this ted are: *There's always two sides of the story what we might see on our perspective maybe isn't really what happening. *There's always a choice.
Just finished "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr Good Enough" to vet for a friend of my wife's and it was a fantastic page turner, I finished it in 3 days. Had to come check out this Ted talk and may need to pick up some of her other books soon, great stuff all around!
Thank you Lori, this video is planned to be just a listening practice. However It changed the way I think and act with my father, who betrayed my mom. I talk to him and understand him more, even we can not be the same as before but it's a good start. Thanks a lot !!!
To me, this sounds very much like the principles of Stoicism: nothing is self-contemplative, meaning nothing in itself is right or wrong, it's just how we choose to look at it. I've been struggling to relate the teachings of stoicism to modern day's life (for self-improvement), and this video helped a lot ❤
"To tell you the truth, I'm an unreliable witness of my own existence. So perhaps my autobiography should be dramatically re-edited by people who were actually there." -Russell Brand
I am glad there's someone like this, not just sitting collecting people's negative thoughts ans getting paid. But making a difference through your career.
Esther Hicks is the Master of this... Wouldn't hurt to give her credit. Tell a different story and yr reality will adjust accordingly. Yr own vibration is answered - more like a wave coming back, rather than it's "done to you". It's because it is a Vibrational Universe, not an Action-based. Vibration first. Actions second. No amount of action makes up for the fact that you are out of Alignment. Period. Get into alignment first, then the action will be presented to you. Then, you must act upon it. Not a minute sooner. You should invite Esther... She would bring down the house like it's nobody's business!!! Excellent talk.. Xx..
4:00-4:30 OH, I JUST LOVER HER!!! - She's telling strangers she's an Editor, when she's really a Therapist WHEN THE REAL STORY IS SHE'S A FANTASTIC COMDIAN!💕🙌💕 LOL LIKE!!! 6:56-6:58 👑😁 9:53-9:59😉
Loved this Ted talk, it just blew my mind, recently read her book and that too is mind blowing.... Everyone has a stroy that they never share with others, which they need to be talking about.
Oh WOW!😯She just gave the BEST advice EVER!👏🏽Profound; but Absolutely the BEST!! Who ever read Anyone’s Obituary; that showed them in any other light; other than POSITIVE? So while we are still Living, ONLY tell Ourselves the GREAT STORY; about OURSELVES, Now.❤️👑⭐️
Your book, column, podcast and all of these TH-cam videos of you have made the biggest impact in my life! You have definitely found your purpose in life and I am grateful to listen to your wisdom
Such a quotable talk!
- We are all unreliable narrators of our own lives.
- To tell a story is inescapably to take a moral stance.
- Stories are the way we make sense of our lives.
- The way we narrate our lives shapes what they become.
- Change, even really positive change, involves a surprising amount of loss.
- What would happen if you looked at your story and wrote it from another person’s point of view?
- Life is about choosing which stories to listen to, and which ones need an edit.
- There’s nothing more important to the quality of our lives than the stories we tell ourselves about them.
What do you want your story to be? Go write your masterpiece!
I guess she's suggesting the wife not to do anything about her cheating husband.
"If the Queen had balls she'd be the King" It makes no sense right?
@@user-hf3hy4jy5h I was left wanting a better resolution to that, too.
I I understood it differently. She said that as a therapist, she does not tell people what decisions to make. It is Lori’s job to listen and the woman’s decision to make whether to leave or make things work. She told the husband’s story as a way of helping us to see that sometimes we can get things wrong. That’s why others end up at couples counselling because they have forgotten how to talk to each other and read each other’s actions differently. It is the woman’s job to try to understand what is going on then decide what to do. That’s my understanding
@@lyng7247 then Lori could have had said to that wife " ask your husband and then give him an Ultimatum and then after listenkng to what the husband says...decide...rather than just listening...
My parents got divorced when I was in my middle school. The letters in the talk sound so familiar that when I was little, my dad and mom would tell me totally different versions of the same story, and their words confused me for many years. When I grow up, I realized that it's not about right or wrong. It's just people can only understand the world from their own perspectives, which are usually narrow. And my solution is to honestly express yourself to others, exchange your feelings, your views, or your emotions with your partner, so you can understand each other better. It is so important and useful. Hope everyone can live a happy life instead of being trapped like my parents many years ago
Bless you dear soul.
none cares. but u care about urself lol
So much truth. Thank you for sharing!!! It meant a lot!!!
Yes... absolutely right you are, why we have to continue a relationship like a trap, if there is no trust, stop at that , moment,,, how much we open to our partners that much they will trust us.
that happened to me exactly at middle school too and it has been interesting watching each side say a different variation of the events.
Just finished her book, "Maybe You Should Talk to Someone". It's, literally, the most 'AHA!" book I've ever read. The stories of her going through therapy and those of several clients lives are SO engrossing. I had to see who this woman is!
Moi S I’ve just done the same.
Thank you. I just found a new self-help book. 😊
@@pamelaporter1739 - Oh? Do tell what title it is, Pamela.
I'm halfway through the same book and came across this video. I'm loving the book too ❤️
@@chenalee3730 - Her candor is amazing, but the quotes had me scribbling them down! Hugs from Canada.
_We talk so much in our culture about getting to know ourselves, but part of getting to know yourself is to unknow yourself - to let go of the one version of the story you've been telling yourself, so that you can live your life and not the story that you've been telling yourself about your life. And that's how we walk around those bars_
Yes. Realising you can't really know 'you' because 'you' us constantly changing. And accepting that.
This is a masterpiece of a Ted Talk. Easy to understand, short, concise and the prison bar analogy, perfect.
You just said on another comment above 7 month ago that you do not trust these ted talks .Wierd . Ugh .
@@Lolipop59 aa
Be wary of things being to easy to understand. The relality is more complex. this is a fairytale.
My wife left me 3 months ago and I lost my job, home and my dog. I've never been happier finding myself. But I do miss my dog.
Good luck to everyone out there
Did she take care of the dog mainly? Honestly, tell me if you did much more than she, loved the dog more? If you didn't love the dog as much as her...well...
P.S. Best of Luck to you too.
@@lisasmith516 she does take great care of them thank goodness. They have a good home there.
@Janice Brown I'm traveling a lot with a new job. I'm about to settle somewhere and find a needy stray:)
And you are correct!!
Stay strong, you deserve to be happy,
U sound like john wick
This is very powerful. Editing how you perceive the world and reshaping your responses can lead to deep and powerful changes. I’ve seen it. I’ve experienced it. An excellent TED talk!
Nicely put. Most people prefers to blame others than address the possibility to improve yourself..
Your feelings are subconscious thoughts, and your emotions bounce off of those feelings. So Emotions ≠ Feelings. If you can change your feelings about something (which are just your thoughts) then you can change your reactions. That means you can change yourself. That is powerful. Much more useful than being a victim of "This is just who I am / how it is"
@@PaperRaines I like this: Emotions ≠ Feelings. Have a nice day.
Yes, this concept changed my life many years ago! And this video reminded me to "keep checking my narrative" 😉
J H yes! Perfectly stated! 😊✨
This is mind blowing. One of the BEST talks and such a powerful message. In one of my classes at University, our professor asked us " What would you like the people at your funeral to say about you". Quite a few people said " Oh I would like them to say he/she was a great husband / wife, friend etc etc". Then one guy stood up and said" I would like them to say "Look he is still breathing"!!
What was the inner meaning of this message 🤔
What was the inner meaning? Are you for real?
Sounds like an AI chat comment
So good! Proverbs 23:7 "For as a man thinks in his heart, so is he"
Hello how are you doing 😊
And for the folks who don't bible...PRETTY IS AS PRETTY DOES...Positive vibes from New Hampshire and remember to be kind to each other and yourself
Heard it first from Muhammad Ali. He used to say 'a man is his heart'.
"The next time you're struggling with something. Remember that we're all going to die .And then pull out your editing tools and ask yourself : what do i want my story to be ? And then go write your masterpiece . " Lori Gottlieb
Wow....
Thank You 🌈
I fall into the category of a help rejecting complainer because I feel so stuck, I suffer with major depression amongst other things but when asked what I want my story to be, I just don't care, bring on my death. I suspect that will be the response from many with depression.
I hope you are doing OK. I hope things are getting better.
I just finished reading her book “Maybe You Should Talk To Someone”. I absolutely loved it and it really opened my mind. Thank you so much, Lori.
This lecture should be shown everywhere. It's the most incredible advice I have ever heard!
It takes some skills to make people laugh, think, and inspire them in a short 15-minute talk!
I'm a transformation coach, I know how powerful rewriting your life script can be. When you rewrite your story your life will change, and soon you'll see a shift in the dynamics of your friendships, too. I agree with Lori, it can be scary, even if the changes are positive.
Hello how are you doing 😊
As a lifelong sufferer of PTSD from an early childhood event...I just paused at 7:33 (with tears) because casting off old misperceptions of rejection is like another rejection in and of itself. I have indeed been editing my story for several years now. I know what I want my story to be. You have just given me a window into a future that I can actually get to. No. More like an open door. Thanks.
The key is being truthful and honest about oneself.
Since our beliefs are stored in our subconscious mind which has ca 95 % of our mind power we unknowingly PROJECT our believes onto others. In the wives case who had a cheating father her belief was that man are cheaters. Thus, she was unconsciously waiting for it to happen and even participated in it. To reWRITE a story means that she had the opportunity wayyyyyyyy earlier in her life to forgive her father and establish a belief that men are trustworthy. WE are 100 % responsible for our experiences and choices. If we spend most of our time being mindful of our own thoughts and actions instead of giving others, the weather, the boss, the economy, the government, money, disease, etc. our power we'd have a healthier, wealthier, peaceful life. Maturity is a choice. :)
As a therapist I totally agree.
the truth is always subjective though, based on our experiences, beliefs and so many other things, all is a construct, we create our own truths and honesty. Perception is everything is my mantra.
@@christinagiannaros9817 do you percive truthfully or subjectively avoiding the inconvenient truth ? One must know if one can even percive correctly and truthfully with no bias
@@IngridMClark
Indeed . It is a choice one has to make. A path one has to choose. To continue in make belief /unforgiveness / bitterness or to find the root problem and deal with it courageously ?
To put it in a different way, paraphrasing it . It is a mater of choice to either continue in hopelessness or to let go and forgive so one can move on and make things better. To live right.
Excellent TED talk. Change your narrative. If you think you don't deserve more, you will always settle for the lesser versions of choices, things, people, jobs, etc. Such a process!
Girl... I almost threw my phone this was so good.
My good points and takeaways
" Which stories to listen to and which ones need to be edited"
" I want to change but they are really saying is that they want another character in the story to change"
Word of the Day
" Ultracrepidarianism- the habit of giving opinions and advice on matters outside of one's knowledge or competence" Girl I know that's right
"We must to responsibility for our role in the story"
All great key points thank you so much
Hi how are you Cee Cee. Greetings from . Kindly man, Hope you’re safe from the covid. Have a good week and stay safe 😄😘 Alex
I am so proud of myself for changing my life. I was into alcohol and drugs really bad and they destroyed my life and I suffered the consequences. I seen how badly I hurt others and wanted to live a better life and become a better person. I went through rehab and got a really good support system who helped me in my recovery not just from addiction but everything and therapy helps. I have the desire to understand people, have compassion, forgive them and want better for them and to bless others because of how badly I was treated. I have let go of abusive relationships because I realized I didn't deserve to be treated bad because I'm a good person I have good people in my life who treat me good. I've got resources to solve my problems, make good out of the bad things, and to live a good life and I'm so grateful.
What an amazing accomplishment, I am glad that you are proud of this because that is a big journey.
"If the Queen had balls, she'd be a King!"
What a great line!
And, I couldn't agree more regarding the change; yes, we all want change but change of other character in our story. That's most of us!
Unfortunately, these days the reverse seems true - If he thinks he is, the King can be the Queen even if he has balls.
Wise woman! This is the best TED Talk I've listened! Clear and precise. Thank u so much.
I usually do something else while listening to ted talks or podcasts, but this one had me glued to the end
So true
Same here...it was as if she was addressing me and my stories.
I just finished reading her book " maybe you should talk to someone" and i want to thank you for this masterpiece, it made me laugh, cry, think and most importantly understand that happiness but also sadness are both temporary.
Hi how are you Chourouk. Greetings from . Kindly man, Hope you’re safe from the covid. Have a good week and stay safe 😄😘 Alex
How way I collect this book,could please me.
I am reading it these days
Damn. She’s just gave me a therapy session!
given
And it’s totally for free! Isn’t TH-cam great this way?
Totally
@@humanyoda are you an English teacher ? Go find some pupils to tutor .
@@Lolipop59 There's nothing wrong with pointing out an error in a public forum. Whether you interpret it as fault finding or as a gentle reminder depends on your mental make up. We're all here to learn.
This might just be my favorite Ted Talk ever. As a therapist and a writer myself, I thank you.
If you liked this Ted Talk, you should read her book - MAYBE YOU SHOULD TALK TO SOMEONE ...
My situation is exactly like the first letter she read. When my parents split up, I was 11. It messed me up emotionally for years. It was a shock to me because they never fought. I found out later that they hardly talked either. Once you are married with kids there is a lot of investment of every kind (emotional, financial, overcoming hardship and such). I can't just pretend my way out of the situation. I think NOT doing the same thing to MY kids is exactly the right thing to do. I am the hero of my story because I didn't bail on my kids because of what I want. I cared more about my children than I did about myself. I know all about self fulfilling prophecy. I got myself out of financial trouble using that principle. The thing that bothers me is that a lot of stories I hear are people giving up when the going gets tough (divorcing regardless of the effect on the kids) Real heroes do the right thing for the right people and will sacrifice themselves to accomplish that.
Sometimes divorce is the best thing for kids too, it can be better than watching a toxic relationship and believing and learning that is what love or marriage should be. They model their future relationships on that. Being in an environment with endless shouting or passive aggressive and suppressed emotion isn't good. It's personal and different in every case but don't judge anyone who took a different path or assume their kids welfare is worse for it.
We only live once... find out what makes You happy! When You are happy and fullfiled your kids will sence that and they will Be ok as well. Happy balanced parents =happy kids. I'm sure You love them very much.🙏
It sounds like that divorce may still be affecting you with bitterness toward your parents and arrogance toward those whose complex journey contains the pain of having left the marriage.
I'm fell very proud of my parents cause mostly their significant sacrifices for me and my elder brother. My father was also a carpenter and my mother is a housewife. But they lived separated for the professional purpose. Also they didn't show any regrets for their troubles. So I'm glad to having those kind of parents.
OMG!!! I bought her book last year during one of many bouts of anxiety and depression after my husband left our home…not for another woman but because of things we weren’t on the same page on like relocating to another state (at the age of 53!!!)I
I was in a continuous mental slump and to cheer me up and gain some insight as to what therapists’ lives can be I purchased Lori’s book MAYBE YOU SHOULD TALK TO A SOMEONE and it is absolutely AMAZING!!! I wish that she could be my therapist. Love love love her.
Hi how are you Maria. Greetings from . Kindly man, Hope you’re safe from the covid. Have a good week and stay safe 😄😘 Alex
It's not always possible for A LOT of people to change their story. But it is astoundingly easy for her or anyone else to suggest they do or can.
Rob Robi yeah i guess i can never be an emperor with a thousand concubines, like in that movie.
“Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be.” - Abraham Lincoln
Ah we need to remember our power
Not easy :(
@@natasiafranco4444 ㅈ0
We can deceive ourselves and create a happy place in our minds and be disillusioned every time that we face reality, or we can wake up, get the courage to face reality and create a happy place based on our reality.
@@rachelj1201why not?
I've always been writing. Ever since I was three. I think we are all writing our own stories with every thought, word and action.
In journalism school this was a most fascinating exercise. To write our personal obituary. Your attitude front and center.
I have tears in my eyes right now..thank you so much for this; I needed it.
THANK YOU. I have truly changed and my life is altogether changed and I’ve been freaking out! It is hard to celebrate living in/on a blank slate, all “stories” gone, done. You are correct, it’s been very much about having and gaining relationship with personal responsibility. There is one level of responsibility I’ve been really scared of though, it’s a higher level - creativity. The responsibility of creating one’s life. I hope I can be brave enough, after all the changes I’ve been brave enough to make, to create the life story my own heart wishes to tell. Thanks for the lecture.❤️
How you live in the present moment will give you clues about how you will have lived. If this gives you anxiety, then you are taking on too much at once. Stick with where you stand, time and place, here and now, the matter of importance on the table, and what next action is most necessary. Be determined to get it right, and accept that it takes time, awareness, patience and practice. Accept that you already have all the potential you'll ever need, you are enough and ready to be, no more room for doubts. Remember, determination is an emotion, you can positively supercharge/intensify this emotion with great can-do spirit and a positive attitude. Quitting is not an option, only moving forward and insisting on progress and prosperity. Be determined and have faith. You are human, you already have the potential, strength and ability, it is just a matter of you believing more in your greatness or believing more in lack and your fears. Which will you empower to govern your behavior? Are you going to be doubting yourself, or be too busy believing in yourself and doing what you must? Good luck.
@@davidanthony6408 Thank you for what you wrote! Timing was magnificent. How generous of you! I needed that. I will reread it, keep it and keep at it, as I just arrived in new city, new job and new life. Doubt is begging to feed. I finally begin. I have drive, determination, as you eloquently put it. I finally believe in myself. Practicing and letting go, by the hour now. ;). Thank you for reminding me I am and have what I need. Seriously, thank you.
I appreciate this sharing exchange!
@davidanthony6408, are you a therapist, coach, or just a wise person who has made the effort to learn through reflections on living?
We are ALL unreliable story tellers - this is so awesome. Spending time editing now!!
Hello how are you doing 😊
Wow! This is definitely mind-blowing! Thank you for sharing this principle of rewriting, changing, editing our own stories. Truly, we can be heroes not victims in our live's narratives.
How brilliant and deeply compassionate! Thank you and bravissimo, Lori Gottlieb!
"if you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging."
How do we notice we're in it?
Ngọc Trâm Nguyễn it is painful enough, u will know
@@tramanhhh247 When we don't see around us anything but dirt and the sky above seems too distant.
@@tramanhhh247 Read about the Law of Holes
Depends. If you dig in the right direction :)
This is truly worth a long listen... Replay it a few times. This is power.
The process of life is dynamic and circumstantial. As social beings, in my opinion, our state of mind is directly linked to how others view us, treat us, accept, or reject us. You hear people say they don't care what other people think about them, but then what is the point of saying such a thing if they truly did not care what other people think? Let us be honest, because we care so much about what other people think, we often end up isolating ourselves or allowing only a select one or two other people into our lives in order to minimize conflict or pain. I sometimes like to ask people how they would feel if they were the only person on earth. The common answer is that they would feel lonely, lost, and afraid. But in reality, isn't that the way many people feel now even though they live in a world of billions. What does that say about ourselves as a species? Every creature we know of will die at some point and because of this, I would make the case that life is the most precious thing we will ever know. For me, this means we should cherish and honor it for the finite resource it is. Imagine how life would be on this planet if this was our mindset. The stories we adhere to directly govern the state of our world. Sadly, from everything I have experienced, a vast number of humans end up living their lives not knowing and appreciating the pure wonder for the process of life itself. I am a firm believer that life is what we make it, which in some sense, I feel is what this video is saying too. I believe that the world could be a much more peaceful and enjoyable place uniformly if this was a major factor in our species world view. The universe is indifferent to what any of us do or don't do, but for each us, the consequences are monumental. Adjusting the course of a mega vessel is no small task, but with sustained effort, a new course can be set over time. We just need to agree on what course we want to take. Lost time can never be redeemed...
This is my favourite TED talk by far, and I’ve seen some very good ones. It’s my favourite because it resonates so deeply! I “co-sign my own BS”!.. I buy into the garbage I tell myself about myself and my life... I can see the etymology, how early trauma (0-2 years, then 2-4 years) influenced this... it’s now my responsibility to “write my masterpiece”...
Out of the mud grows the lotus flower...
Thank you Lori Gottlieb!
I’d like to recommend something:- the grief ceremonies described in The Wild Edge of Sorrow... so healing and beautiful, spiritual.
I love love love the clarity in this talk. 👏🏽
The essence of life Ms Gottlieb defines at 15:28ff - deciding what stories to listen to and which ones need an edit - seems to be what I'm doing so often when I select books or videos, in stores and on the Internet.
Brilliant. This synopsis of human behavior, driven by ego, shaped and sculpted by our personal myths (narratives) probably encompasses 99 percent of psychology. Its a very comprehensive top-down look at what is wrong with the 80 percent of society and what is right with 20 percent that transcend and take control of their own story to go on and succeed. I'm not sure if there is a single problem that cannot be fit into this behavioral model. It certainly applies to me and to everyone I know. Thank you Lori for waking everyone up.
Your comment is brilliantly stated as well. I'd say even the top 1% people will at times have these stories within their heads. They'll have those inner battles putting self imposed limits on themselves. The only difference is they've either been taught by someone or learned from someone consciously or unconsciously on being much more conscientiously about which battles they have in their lives.
This talk was a total game-changer! I never thought about my life as a story before, but it totally makes sense. I'm definitely going to start paying more attention to the stories I tell myself. Thanks for the incredible insights!
Such an amazing talk. She has shared lot of amazing points. I wish most of talks were of this calibre.
Hi how are you Mayank. Greetings from . Kindly man, Hope you’re safe from the covid. Have a good week and stay safe 😄😘 Alex
This is a great TED talk, and I agree with much/most of it. The takeaway, if I am not mistaken, is that you yourself have to write your own story. But it misses one very important point: namely that, very often, others write your narrative for you. This happens very often in families. Parents, for example, write the script for their children. This narrative can be broken, but it takes courage, perceptiveness, understanding and determination. It sometimes even requires a complete break with the past. I have observed this in life. It is often no easy task for the person stuck behind those bars. There is an old saying, 'I am the captain of my ship, the master of my soul'. It's true. But under certain circumstances, it is not easy for some people to act on this. So we shouldn't oversimplify the problem. Some people really are trapped in a narrative that other people have written for them.
Parents are so very important for their children regardless of what their relationship is; the kids need you!
@@meteor1237 Of course they need their parents. Did I say anything different? Did I say they didn't?
@@xelakram I'm agreeing with you....parents can have bad relationships between them, but yes, the kids need them as parents regardless.
@@meteor1237 👍 Yes indeed! But many parents, and even siblings, can write the narrative for a person. Very often, the person doesn't realise it at the time. Sometimes, it can only be discerned in hindsight, when it might be too late to do anything about it.
Change the story you tell yourself, you will change your life.
This is the most helpful and impressive TED talks I have ever seen. Thanks so much. This WILL CHANGE a lot of lives in a positive way.
Ms. Gottlieb has a good insight into the "life as a story" perspective. I think it is a very useful tool, especially if you can really see the context of how our lives are more like a story we write as we go on, (our biases) with all the factors that make it seem very interesting and real to us in the present, regardless of the content. When one is first honest about the particular story one carries, the it is possible to be more creative as the story progresses. That also can be a bridge to a form of transcendence because it is only a matter of realizing and admitting that the story may be about your experiences in the past, but you are the knower of it and it is not ultimately what you are because of that.
This is probably the best TED Talk I have seen! This was very engaging, insightful and interesting. As a Mindfulness blogger this invoked inspiration for my work. I also agree with all she said. Definitely got to read her books.
Hi how are you Ana. Greetings from . Kindly man, Hope you’re safe from the covid. Have a good week and stay safe 😄😘 Alex
Lori I listened to your audio book recently and I really enjoyed it.
I actually didn't recognize you until the part about the gynecologist and the the cartoon with the prison bars.
It's great to see the face of one of my favorite books' author.
Hi. I'm new to audiobooks. Could you suggest a good starting point without spending money right away. I have an android phone, a desktop computer, and Alexa. Any tips you can share?
Отличная лекция и блестящий перевод. Благодарю всех за профессионализм!
Very inspiring and much need session for current situation where a people take small things so seriously...just live n spread kindness, love, gratitude towards each other...
This talk has the power to change a person's life! I am so impressed with this amazing lady...so very intelligent and articulate
People always say they want change. Change is scary and difficutl. Friends will tell you not to change. The rewards of a positive change are worth it. The rewards of a negative change are not.
one of the best TED talks I've seen in a while
Lovely TED talk. One of the better ones in 2019!
I agree. There has been a lot of trash on TED. I sort of lost interest. But this is quite good. Because I'm also a counselor and I have lost all trust in counseling after having had to see a few myself!
@@hopscotch30 You ain't joking. 75% of TedTalk's are terrible anymore
Great Ted Talks!!!!! I’m a therapist in private practice and I will definitely being using this amazing tool. On self and in my practice, wow. Feel like life sent me a cheerleader, I edited my thinking here! Good stuff.
One of the most useful stories I've ever listened to in Ted Talk, it helps me deal with myself.
lori, this is lovely and well put together. thank you. editing is hardest when the original writer is oneself.
When your write your story,do not allow some else to hold the pen.You are the author of your own book..Peace with Love
Wonderful Ted Talk, Thank you Lori Gottlieb. You sound better than any therapist I ever had!
I´ve seen many Ted Talks and many other videos. And by many i mean MANY. Im really interested in psychology and everything about our thinking.
This is one of the best videos I´ve ever seen when it comes to reinspecting (is that a word?) ourselfs.
Super valuable.
Jan M agree!! 😊✨
Fabulous! I believe this can be so helpful with many “stories” in life. However, what does concern me is that when your story includes a person who lies pathologically and is abusive, telling this person that their story may not be accurate because the partner has their own story or point of view, it may be damaging. I have begun to “rewrite my story” as I have chosen to escape the horrible abuse that he continues to deny. I despise more than anything that my children have to include any of this as part of their stories.. and I hope that they will choose to write new and happier stories for their future. Thank you! I appreciate your words tremendously!
Hi how are you Laura. Greetings from . Kindly man, Hope you’re safe from the covid. Have a good week and stay safe 😄😘 Alex
Her book Maybe You Should Talk to Someone is absolutely phenomenal! Please read it!
Hello how are you doing 😊😊
Thank you for the suggestion! I'm going to read it.
One of the most incredible advices i have ever heard...!!
Wow! Incredible TED talk! "What do I want my story to be?"
"Delivering compassionate truth bombs" yep. Fantastic talk!
I started reading Maybe You Should Talk to Someone on a whim when I saw it on the library overdrive app. Her writing is fantastic, I had no idea she was also an amazing public speaker! I don't think I heard a single "Um" or "Uh" through this entire talk.
Lots of practice. Specifically, when it comes to TED, speakers often memorize their entire talk in advance, knowing the potential impact it could have on others... and of course prestige.
A good TED talk - thank you Lori Gottlieb for 18 minutes of exploration.
What I learned from this ted are:
*There's always two sides of the story what we might see on our perspective maybe isn't really what happening.
*There's always a choice.
Just finished "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr Good Enough" to vet for a friend of my wife's and it was a fantastic page turner, I finished it in 3 days. Had to come check out this Ted talk and may need to pick up some of her other books soon, great stuff all around!
In my experience some people are more self aware than others. Not too sure about saying we aren't good at understanding our situations in general.
Thank you Lori, this video is planned to be just a listening practice. However It changed the way I think and act with my father, who betrayed my mom. I talk to him and understand him more, even we can not be the same as before but it's a good start. Thanks a lot !!!
What a great way to start the weekend
this video is a gift for me right now. thank you so much for discovering this
"Freedom comes with responsibility"
To me, this sounds very much like the principles of Stoicism: nothing is self-contemplative, meaning nothing in itself is right or wrong, it's just how we choose to look at it. I've been struggling to relate the teachings of stoicism to modern day's life (for self-improvement), and this video helped a lot ❤
"To tell you the truth, I'm an unreliable witness of my own existence. So perhaps my autobiography should be dramatically re-edited by people who were actually there."
-Russell Brand
Great smile from this lady and she is humorous talking about serious topics in a down to earth way
I am glad there's someone like this, not just sitting collecting people's negative thoughts ans getting paid. But making a difference through your career.
Hello how are you doing 😊
@@bryanjason1980 I’m good thanks!
Such a heart touching story
Esther Hicks is the Master of this... Wouldn't hurt to give her credit. Tell a different story and yr reality will adjust accordingly. Yr own vibration is answered - more like a wave coming back, rather than it's "done to you". It's because it is a Vibrational Universe, not an Action-based. Vibration first. Actions second. No amount of action makes up for the fact that you are out of Alignment. Period. Get into alignment first, then the action will be presented to you. Then, you must act upon it. Not a minute sooner. You should invite Esther... She would bring down the house like it's nobody's business!!! Excellent talk.. Xx..
WHAT AN AMAZING WOMAN. I SO NEEDED THAT, AND HAVE DONE FOR A LONG TIME. THANK YOU LORI!
4:00-4:30 OH, I JUST LOVER HER!!! - She's telling strangers she's an Editor, when she's really a Therapist WHEN THE REAL STORY IS SHE'S A FANTASTIC COMDIAN!💕🙌💕 LOL LIKE!!! 6:56-6:58 👑😁 9:53-9:59😉
Thank you so much TED for being such a thought provoking TH-cam channel!
Loved this Ted talk, it just blew my mind, recently read her book and that too is mind blowing.... Everyone has a stroy that they never share with others, which they need to be talking about.
This lady has genius level EQ! Amazing topic and delivery
Thank you so much for your presentation 😊 ...it wasn't long or complicated, and your purpose resonated with me.
Lori Gottlieb is such a great speaker. This is one my my favorite Ted Talks.
The Earth needs you! I NEEDED YOU! Thank you!
Wow! What a great talk!
To any fellow readers, she has a book named 'Maybe You Should Talk to Someone' on amazon.
Oh WOW!😯She just gave the BEST advice EVER!👏🏽Profound; but Absolutely the BEST!! Who ever read Anyone’s Obituary; that showed them in any other light; other than POSITIVE? So while we are still Living, ONLY tell Ourselves the GREAT STORY; about OURSELVES, Now.❤️👑⭐️
I love love love this ted talk. She speaks with such confidence I wonder how long it took her to memorize this speech!
Mnemonic cues might have helped
This ted talk really opened my mind about my situations. Thanks!
This is substance! Thank you Dr Gottlieb.
You are so right... years ago, I would have NEVER even thought of myself going 'there', but today I know it WiLl - absolutely..
Fabulous! I found myself editing my own story just the other day. Thank you!
Hello how are you doing 😊😊
Your book, column, podcast and all of these TH-cam videos of you have made the biggest impact in my life! You have definitely found your purpose in life and I am grateful to listen to your wisdom
She gave me a writing and psychological lesson lmao The audience isn’t very active tho, that’s sad I think she did a good job