THE VELOCIPASTOR - A Movie So Stupid I Fell In Love With It
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 28 ส.ค. 2024
- don't mess with dinodoug the velocipastor unless you plan on getting ninjured
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Thank you for watching! 👽 - บันเทิง
Doug: is a priest, not a pastor
Doug: turns into a t-rex, not a velociraptor
movie title: V E L O C I P A S T O R
Can you imagine it's called like,
P-Riest?
@@m1sterch3f7 badass sounding name
T-Priest
Tyranno-preist
“Velociraptor” are actually Utah raptors anyways, velociraptors were the size of a chicken
"So your parents died, Doug. It's what parents do. They die on you."
Father Stewart 2018
So your parents died, Doug. It's what parents do. They die on you."
Father Stewart 2018
So your parents died, Doug. It's what parents do. They die on you."
Father Stewart 2018
@@xsorensx2011 why did you just repeat the comment twice
aRe yOU dUmB iTS 2o20
@@thiccychiccy1157 👌
I'm disappointed the movie didn't shoehorn pirates into the plot somehow
Me too
The mosasau-rates?
They will probably be doing that in the sequel. 🦖🦖🦖
Gotta save something for a sequel you know
Definitely the best movie too
"The movie was like crack cocaine. I threw up the first time I tried it, but now im adicted. The CGI was horrible and the story made no sense. I rate it a 10/10."
- Me
Perhaps it was from the ninjas' batch
🤣🤣🤣💯
GalaxyDoesStuff.... Including crack. That's my kind of galaxy!
@@darthdonkulous1810 The ‘Milky’ Way
I read this in Elvis’ voice
This wasn’t a terrible movie, just brilliant satire, that was obvious as soon as we saw the “ VFX : CAR ON FIRE”.
Car? Don't you mean "VFX: CAR ON FIRE"? Gotta love this movie.
Deleted you’re right gotta edit my comment
At some points it's clear it's trying to be a satire.
But not even trying to be good doesn't make you a good satire.
@@jeltje50 isn't it being bad trying to be good the point of the movie?
@@JacketCK wait what?
Fun fact: the director got the idea for this masterpiece when he was texting his friend about his favorite dinosaur and his phone autocorrected velociraptor to velocipastor.
I wouldnt be surprised, modern autocorrect is crazy, I'm constantly having it attempt to fix words that are completely correct. If I were writing this on my phone it would have attempted to change correct to correctional just because.
Interesting
Fun Fact: It was meant to be bad. Based on Syfy channel movies.
Fun Fact: The "pirate" is a musician and animator that did some very huge commercials in the 80s as well as making idents for Syfy, TLC, USA Networks, etc.
Wait is that acctually true ????
there are no accidents
Elvis: “So these are Christian Ninjas.”
Me: you mean Crinjas?
XD
I get it cause there cringe
@@ToXicKush420 true
@@bennypatrick6535 not really funny if you ask me i can tell a child came up with it
Crinjas.
Followers of the Way of the Cringe.
"A pastor who turns into a dinosaur and a hooker team up to fight Mandarin speaking Christian ninjas."
9:06 The ninja flag says: "Morning training everyday 7 o'clock" "Please stay away from drugs" "Pants are choosable" "Rest on Fridays"
16:39 Sam the white ninja, brother of Doug, had a headband with the word "brother" on it. So I guessed he was Doug's brother before Elvis said so.
19:52 This flag says: "Today's diving class canceled"
"pants are choosable"
These ninjas are pretty chill
Thanks for the translation. I wasn't sure if that writing meant anything. With the low budget they probably had they could have just picked random Chinese words that probably made no sense. Lol
That makes this movie even better. 😆
‘Pants are choosable’
I died please
I love you so much! 😘
Don't you hate it when "VFX: Car on fire" starts vibing infront of you
@Ahmad and skeleton Same and I hate it ASF
@Ahmad and skeleton IKR it makes me big sad
@Ahmad and skeleton *SCREAMS*
That's rascicrt
We actually know each other you're a skeleton and I'm a human
@Ahmad and skeleton maybe the darkness within us is the darkness that's our friend
😔🤙
R/Im14andthisisdeep
@Ahmad and skeleton Ooooof
But do you finally know who the darkness is?
I find it almost hilarious that Sam, the brother, has 兄弟 on his bandanna, which literally means 'brother'.
I was wondering if they put the actual research into it or just put generic looking symbols because I couldn’t get a clear view of it.
Glad to know the guy who hates his brother so much defines himself as the brother.
What masterful foreshadowing!
You got yourself a thousand likes now.
🤭🤭🤭
lol, I was just about to comment the same thing
I laughed my head off when that woman blew up "she's too far gone", and the guy's expression - hahaha!
“He’s transforming into some kinda of lizard-”
Zuckerburg’s at is again boys
For real though, if lizard people were to ever actually be real Zuck is 100% one!
He is definitely not a normal person.
Diego is at it again.
As a Catholic, I can say truthfully that this is an 100% accurate portrayal of the Catholic church and what we do.
You were never supposed to know.
Welp, The secrets out
@@qualivia God damn drug selling christian pastor ninja groups! I always knew that they exist!
Wait, Catholics turn into dinosaurs when their parents die? What about orthodox? Do they turn into marine mammals?
yes
Why did you tell them???!?!?
I like how these clearly joke movies are not made for money, they’re made for fun. Like you can tell they had a blast filming this.
This comment is so wholesome
That's what makes watching bad movies fun
The bad acting is also what makes a lot of money and it’s fuckn funny
They’re*
@paloma piromana well I guess you could say comedic horror movies am I right
"Carol, hello..." -SLAP- 😂😂
now that's hilarious.
A lot of lesser writers/actors have tried to strike the perfect balance of "funny Bad on purpose". Velocipastor is near genius level comedy when you see the nuance and effort they put into emulating and satirizing terrible B movies. shooting or acting bad on purpose almost always misses the mark. So many layers of awareness and talent required... All just to appear terrible.... its profound. Theres maybe only a few other teams that have come even close. Manborg/psycho Goreman, or Garth Meringi are the only ones i can think of.
And the editing is also pretty good so it's clear that they had the budget lol.
It reminds me so much of Kun Pow: Enter the Fist. XD These movies are pure gold.
"and then he turned himself into a dinosaur, funniest shit i've ever seen"
He’s Dino Doug
Scary monsters in a nutshell
@@Onceortwice45 Better than Dead Doug. See you later new Doug!
@Sans alright, comedian. Show us your enlightened humor.
@Sans sans meme isn't funny
Sequel should be:
" *Velocipastor Vs Philosiraptor: Why is God?* "
and they have a rap battle? No..? okay.
@@ezzreacts9791 Velocipastor tries to appeal to the kids on da streetz!
Worst enemy greek philosophers
And now there is: AGNOSTIRAPOR: does God really exist?
@@raptalos9412 That's the bookend of the trilogy, it's like Velocipastor's Mothra, where Philosiraptor is mecha-godzilla. They do the whole "the enemy of my enemy is my friend" bit and then, once Agnostiraptor is defeated, the Velocipastor gives the Philosiraptor a 7 day head start, and the Philosiraptor asks "Why?".
Y’know, as a Catholic, I’ve always thought that Christian media was pretty sad and overly preachy nonsense.
But this? Oh, this is beautiful.
Same
@@Someonecalledeli Yes, preachy
@@Someonecalledeli but what?
@@Someonecalledeli huh?
@@Someonecalledeli Your "culture" is literally the same as 300+ others american, all of whom believe in their own little version of the same religion you practise. Don't try to make yourself seem like something new or better.
22:07 I love how the actor for the Master Ninja can't even say his lines with a straight face. You can literally hear him trying to control his laughter.
“I don’t know much about god.”
“I don’t know much about dinosaurs.”
Yep they said that in the movie good job
He must live under a fucking rock if you don't know 2 world widely popular things
@@Subscribersnodignity It's a joke about the fact that christianity rejected the existence of dinosaurs for a long time
flurt
@@KaytheWooper
Some groups, but not all.
There’s a reason “Evangelical” and “Christian” are separate boxes on a lot of questionnaires and censuses.
“Do not touch me with thee sinning hands Jezabel!”
**wheeze**
i’m gonna be nice and not ruin your 420 likes
This line got a coffee snort from me
I lost my shit lmao
@Timothy A Schuler He says ‘Touch not thy sinning hands, Jezebel’
We can not expect accurate early modern English from a movie with caucasian ninjas and dinosaur priests.
That's where I lost it! 🤣🤣🤣
Franky Mermaid is the absolute best name for a PIMP I've ever heard. Masterpiece.
I was so surprised to see Aurelio Voltaire as the exorcist in this movie and now I want to watch it even more.
I love this movie, not gonna lie. I also love the people who think this movie is meant to be taken seriously.
Edit: Holy fuck guys thank you so much for all the likes--
So it is like a parody? Like Robin Hood Men in tights, spaceballs and so on? I love those type of movies!! 😹 where can I watch this?!
Robin Hood men in tights was ICONIC
I dont get this commentary he makes. This movie is clearly parody and doesnt really have to make sense sometimes and he still makes many boring jokes about something not making sense.
Like my mom, anything on the sifi channel lol
@@TheEvilDedolok just cause its a parody doesn't mean its immune from criticism
This movie is hilarious, but there is A REALLY bad movie called “Killer Sofa” (2019) it’s so bad that’s it’s hilarious.
Yeah I hate it when I'm trying to watch a movie but then my sofa just sucks me into its endless void behind the pillows
No. You're lying. Shut up.
@@TheseUseless It's glorious. And reading the script felt like an acid trip
The whole killer (insert appliance here) craze is amazing
@@reneebeckford8619 Does a stand count as an appliance?
> He looks like an extra for Pirates of the Caribbean
I'm sure Aurelio Voltaire would get a giggle out of that comment 😂. He's a somewhat famous singer with a goth look, and kind of a guest star in that movie.
The "satanic key thing on his neck" isn't a film accessory, it's a pendant he designed and has been wearing for years. The key's teeth spell out his name.
21:52 Elvis: But, there’s ONE thing that the master forgot. The Dino-HANDS.... 🤗 ....are immune to the arrow’s powers!”
Why is this whole movie shot like an episode of the office
wheeze
(Jurassic Park)
Velocipastor: opens door
Velocipastor: Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior Jesus Christ?
You mean Amalacarist...get it...amalacaris?
I feel bad for the poor souls who don't know that this gem is a parody
"go where God won't follow"
Immediately goes to China
"Vampire Guy" is Aurelio Voltaire, a comedic horror musician. Him being in this movie is perfectly on-brand, honestly.
voltaire is my fathers best friend
He is also an animator with quite the CV.
He actually made a lot of commercials from the 80s for the likes of Pepsi, Budweiser, RC Cola, Kellog's etc.
And he did the idents for channels like SyFy, USA and TLC in the 90s.
I don't think this TH-camr does much for his videos. Just watches the movie , makes a rough script and records. No research or thought involved.
If I were to rate him it would be a C. His videos are the media equivalent of Ariana Grande. Popular and attractive but as shallow as a puddle and fucktarded.
I've seen that key on a character inspired by him and I was wondering if they were paying homage to him in this movie... NOT THAT IT WAS ACTUALLY HIM
That makes this so much better
He's an OG spook! Love his work!
I love Voltaire, his birthday song is great
Fun fact, I have the exact same “horn” they used for this movie. It’s literally a cheap fake dinosaur fang from target
Subscribe or I will Succ your dog lmao
@@kalashnikov7170 um
lmao
Your name is very intimidating-
Bruh Moment it’s true
Love that China, Vietnam and Usa have the same exact forest
Sam is one of the most sympathetic villains I have ever seen.
Almost as good as Homelander. With less milk.
Idk if it’s just me but this movie just feels like someone came up with the title and thought it was hilarious and then just tried to make a movie around it.
You're not far off. I worked at a horror film festival two years ago where I got a chance to meet the guys who made it. The Director told me he was trying to text the word "velociraptor" on an old flip phone, it somehow auto corrected to velicipastor and immediately his first thought was "this would be an amazing movie".
Ryan that is incredible
@@Ryan-nm8pw and thus, a masterpiece was born.
The guy who plays Doug looks like a mix of Benedict Cumberbatch and John Mulaney
Shit you right
He kinda looks like Freddy from iCarly
I actually thouthg u mean that character from salad fingers
And Kevin Bacon
I was half watching at the start of the video and for a minute I was like, "is Benedict Cumberbatch really in THIS movie"?! Haha
The guy who plays the Exorcist is Aurelio Voltaire, He's a goth singer/songwriter as well as a bunch of other things. He's got a youtube channel where he does gothic home decor as well as other stuff related to the goth subculture and his music. I met him at a show earlier this year and I got my copy of Velocipastor signed by him. Really nice guy and he puts on a great show.
That quote after murdering everyone is an homage to Miami Connection where they drop that quote after violently murdering everyone. Classic
They must've had a blast filming this.
You are such an Epic Gamer
Hi im your 666th likers
*Christian screaming*
@@Yeovelyn touch not thy sinning hands, jezebel!
@@Yeovelyn whats a liker
*Honestly Elvis I think if there’s any content I really adore from you it’s these reviews. They have the same type of natural comedic delivery as your other videos while also being pretty good analysis on the film you’re talking about. Thanks for brightening my day today during this quarantine and honestly let the velocipastor bless your day today as well.*
_Why all in bold? Italics is the way to go._
*I agree*
@@funnyfella8198 your opinion doesn't count
Agreed
*_-You are all fools, I have already ascended to godhood, I am the most powerful being on this website-_*
"I believe in higher power. But praying right now will never save.."
*pauses while the ninjas are staring at Doug*
"..YOUR LIVES."
Best quote
I'm gonna write my graduation thesis about this modern masterpiece
"Touch not thy sinning hands, jezebe!" I am gonna save this line for later for when I am in a situation wearing an orange dress with my very evident bulge poking through.
Hard to believe this is all based off the true story of Feeky Beek, the Baptist Preacher from Prague who owned multiple scolios-infected Kangaroos that served in the War of 1812.
Pretty accurate story telling tbh, most modern cinemas stray too far from the source material 👍🏻
WHAT???
@@filthykid7069 Yeah look it up
Maybe I’m retarded for believing this in any capacity, but can you link the Wikipedia or something?
@@FFBADRGBHL it's not true, i think they are joking. In the interview Voltaire did with the director he states that this movie was made because of an autocorrect typo
ThatOneEggplant yeah I believe that. Thanks for explaining
The flashing scene with the unknown girl is probably the Ninja's last thoughts.
He died, thinking about women (incredible)
When you’ve been dating for 8 years and she tries to hold your hand before marriage: 6:11
"He looks like an extra from Pirates of the Caribbean"
I mean, "Goth Pirate DILF" IS the look Voltaire is looking for.
This hit me hard
WAIT HOLD UP THAT WAS VOLTAIRE?? Like the first thing I thought of when I saw him was "Huh, looks exactly like Voltaire... Nah, couldn't be." But you're telling me it is???
@@BlackRosesBloom-Emily_Rose yup, that is actually Aurelio Voltaire playing a priest in a movie called "Velocipastor". It's beautiful.
@@TheLadyLiddell Oh, that is beautiful. I have loved his music since I was a kid ("Beast of Pirate's Bay" was my jam, and who doesn't love "BRAINS!!"?), and I honestly had no idea he did acting. That's fabulous.
Thank you! Thought I was the only one who noticed.
"Why don't you just kill me now?"
"Ok"
Best dialog of all time...
Starts singing: Thats what parents do
They die on you
They die on you
Finding out Aurelio Voltaire was in this film was probably the best moment of this movie. Followed by "burning car vfx" and the whole Vietnam scene
most movies take the "he turned into a werewolf" or "vampire" route but these guys went the fuck it route made the dude a dinosaur
JoJo part 7
But i like they took this way
I died at the dialogue "I don't know much about god." "And I don't know much about dinosaurs."
I imagine Cinema Sins has a riveting video review, chock full of snarky big brain complaints about preachers not really being able to turn into velociraptors and what not.
Fun fact: at 10:51 the "vampire looking guy" its a cuban-american goth singer and composer called Aurelio Voiltaire, he also composed some songs for the show "grim adventures of billy and mandy" like "land of the dead" and "brains", im so glad, surprised and laughing my a$$ to see him on this movie
I remember waking up to smell of smoke and the sound of sirens then i see the horror outside
(VFX : CAR ON FIRE)
Is this the sequel of shark exorcist
Probably
Shark W H A T
Shark what now?
@@CinnabarCereal to you and the commenter above:
An actual movie that's kind of about a demonic shark, but also other stuff that's not really connected. It's crazy
No, shark exorcist is the sequel to the amazing bulk
To be fair, Carol probably has experience fighting off men.
Velocipastor is a work of genius! My daughter and I have trash movie nights and we both fell in love with this masterpiece.
"What was she doing here?"
"I don't know, maybe trying to start a family..."
I can imagine a version where this movie was made into an anime, and i genuinely think it could work
JoJo part 7 has a British genius jockey that turns into dinosaur to steal the corpse of Jesus Christ to absorb it and gain more power to defeat the 23rd President of the United States (this takes place in the 1800 btw) during a cross country Horse Race. Oh he’s not even the main character
@@only_the_loneliestd290 This...
This is why I can't handle anime
@@only_the_loneliestd290 TF dude.
And that's why I don't like anime
@@only_the_loneliestd290 its ok, mate, i understood the referemce
@@valerfox2155 Part two was two overtly large men fighting aztec stripper gods of fitness with bubbles and sunlight. Part six are Florida women, a transgender, a marine biologist, a twelve year old, and a person with amnesia fight a gay priest in accelerated time.
"....a magic horn that turns you into a dinosaur."
_Diego_ _Brando_ _would_ _like_ _to_ _know_ _your_ _location_
It's the missing corpse part
Why did my neighbor turn to a dinosaur?
Oh shit there's more
Did he not realize it’s a tooth
@@ps2_abbacchio Jesus was a _Dinosaur_
The Holy Corpse!
So did anyone else notice when the guy is talking to he's dad in the car for advice, it looks very, VERY similar to that one scene from the spider man movie where Peter is talking to Uncle Ben?
I love how freaking Aurelio Voltaire was the exorcist guy lmao
The only reason that god still loves the human race is because this movie exists.
True.
sorry i cant like bro its at 420
God isn't real, but if he was furries show he shouldn't love us. At all.
if you still believe in a magical sky fairy after watching this movie you clearly didn't get the message.
@@jakoby256 Who said I was Christian? I was making a joke.
Everybody gangsta till the VFX: car on fire starts Rollin in ur hood
16:20 The way he spoke that line is hilarious . A plus acting.
5:00 S H E B A N G E D A D I N O S A U R
I cant believe that Benedict Cumberbatch actually acted in this movie
Finally someone acknowledged this.
Did he actually? Am I being bamboozled?
@@DRB30240 Lol, no. People are just saying that because they look alike; I just noticed the resemblance, myself.
I need to watch this movie! It's free on Amazon Prime, if anyone is interested in where to find it.
Bumberpatch cumcumberdict is a great actor
It’s actually Benderdick Cucumberbachelor, I can see why you mixed them up though.
After watching this review, I can conclude that this is a cinematic masterpiece, that has no plot holes whatsoever and should've been nominated for best picture.
Plus I appreciate that this film is virtually just one big JoJo reference.
@Bruh what if i say he is?
@Bruh then saying he isn't funny is your opinion bruh.
🗿🗿🗿🗿🗿🗿🗿🗿🗿🗿
What the fuck you're everywhere man
Thanks Diego, for being the Velocipastor.
So... Is Velocipastor son of Diego and Hot Pants?
Interesting tidbit: The "Exorcist" character (His name is Altair apparently) is played by Aurelio Voltaire, the gothic singer, which is someone I recognized instantly. I find it hilarious because I'm pretty he was just asked to be in it and he took it because he's someone that either wanted to be in this silly movie because he's a simple man or he was paid an unhealthy amount of money, which I doubt. Just thought I'd shared that bit.
Damn, Didn't know Diego Brando was a pastor
Jojoke
Fun fact: the “Vampire guy” is Aurelio Voltaire, he’s the guy who sang that badass brains song from billy and Mandy
He’s sang far more then just brains,
Thought he looked like him, thanks for the confirmation
vampire guy looks like a younger, goth Nick Cage
made u look
I think it's Aurelio Voltaire so.. close enough. He's so committed to his lifestyle, I love him
His names aurelio voltaire hes a goth musician hes pretty Well known in that community hes got a TH-cam channel apparently.
His name is Voltaire, he did some good songs, some even used for The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy
Voltaire is also a real creepy dude around women.
@@itsyaboiChubbs yes! I love the brain song he did for Billy and mandy.
i was debating about watching this movie until i saw "VFX: Car on Fire" and now im definitely watching this.
this is hands down the best movie ive ever seen in my life.
Diego Brando becomes a priest: The Movie
Dio+Pucci= Velocipastor
pucci meets diego, passes on his priest powers to him
I KNEW THERE WAS GONNA BE A JOJOKE
Woop woop the tooth is a piece of the alien meteorite and gave doug scary monsters
YES
That "horn" is clearly a tooth.
Hey Dio this is made for ur counter part Diego
@@TheseUseless plz read the manga cuz Diego isn't it child
@@ps2_abbacchio Again, i did say i hadn't, and i knew dio had a few children. And that Diego 's second name is brando... OOOOH, YEAH, DIEGO IS FROM STEEL BALL RUN! Sorry
@@TheseUseless ok.
You lie
12:45 It is clear and simple. It was the power of love which allowed Doug to keep his inner dinosaur under control.
What I love most about this movie are the little things. Like at the Vietnam flashback scene before Stuart's wife comes along (for some reason), there's a soldier leaning against a tin hut with the words "the world is full of kings and queens who blind your eyes and steal your dreams" spray painted on it and I was like "I've heard this before, but from where?". One Google search later and turns out it's lyrics from Black Sabbath's Heaven and Hell. I refuse to believe that that was a coincidence, just a radomn reference that happens to coincide with the religious theme of the movie? Naw, this movie is brilliant. I adore it
"Remember this random white ninja?"
Me: _please_ tell me he's the secret brother or something
"Well that's Sam, Doug's brother"
**slow clapping**
Doug: *Find person with arrow sticking out of their chest*
Also Doug: Are you hurt?
WHaDdyA tHinK DOUG?
Shes probably fine
The school nurse will give her some ice and she’ll be on her way
Ever heard of a halloween costume?!
The colour grading, cinematography and the cuts are quite sick in this movie.
"This vampire looking guy." lmao. Being in this film is totally on brand for Voltaire.
The Drone, a movie so stupid Elvis fell in love with it
Velocipastor: *Hold my Bible*
“I use to be a velocipastor like you, before I took an arrow to the knee.”
it follows me wherever i go
17:49 "you never knew it, Puss, but I was always there"
This is every thing that is great about "bad movies".
The Chinese signs in the background are pretty funny.
"Farm practice every day at 7."
"Notice: Scuba diving practice canceled today."
The sign at 9:08 said "Morning practice every day at 7". The first character is 晨, not 农.
The actors look like they're having fun
Dude, this has to be the best fucking time ever for all these guys. Having a good time & being in a meme that becomes popular? That's epic.
Yo the comedic acting from the leads in this movie is actually pretty on point. Unironically solid lol
10:53 I thought this guy looked familiar, so I looked it up and apparently the exorcist is played by Aurelio Voltaire, a fairly well-known musical artist, and the guy who wrote and sang “Brains” and “Land of the Dead” for The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy. I freaked out when I found out about this
this is my stand ability "SCARY MONSTERS!!"
thank you for the jojo comment
Omg I didn't even thing about Diego until now 🤣🤣🤣
Someone had to say it, it’s the first think I thought of lmao
Apparently the velosipastor costume was originally a costume for Brendan steer’s high school but was never used, I found this out from his Twitter
WHAT?!.
@@delete---7593 yeah he had a thread on his twitter page about it a while back
This isn’t a bad movie,it’s a meme
The exorcist is clearly the fusion of Dave Navarro and Nice Cage.
13:28 There are only 3 genders: guy, girl, and Chinese
Female, Male and Apache Attack Helicopter.
Male, Female and Velocipastor.
And gamer
hey being a pencil is a gender too
I have pencil freinds
*australian, girl, Chinese
This whole movie sounds like a fetish
Dont kinkshame me
Kinkshaming is my kink
@@matheusreidopedaco kinkshaming people who have kinkshaming as their kink is my kink
you're fucking disgusting fucking weirdo
@@chromso kinkshaming people who kinkshame people who have kinkshaming as their kink is my kink. Fucking weird shite
@@matheusreidopedaco oh no, the most powerful kink
"And I appreciate that." That killed me for some reason😂
I love how all the movies Elvis likes is either a really good movie or so bad its good with no in between