I think 'having empathy' is something that a great many neurotypical people fail at, and fail at when it comes to understanding someone different from them. The claim that autistic people lack empathy because they *present* differently, express that empathy differently, does not mean it doesn't exist and it's a bit lacking in empathy to keep claiming that's the case.
I agree, I think NT people are generally better at hiding their lack of empathy (when they lack it) as well because they usually have quite a high focus on how other people perceive them/fitting in etc.. the percentage of NT people I've met that are obviously lacking empathy is far greater than the autistic people I've known, so much so that now I'm secretly suspicious of NT people until they prove that they are actually good people 😬
As someone who to their knowledge deals mostly with neurotypical people (and who is neurotypical)... I wholeheartedly agree. Lack of empathy is pretty widespread in my experience. Especially empathy towards people who are not Family and Friends. A Lot of people seem to think that just because they empathize with a sibling, that means their empathetic people, but when it comes to people theyre Not Close to.... That quickly goes Out the window. Also, empathy can Take different forms. I dont really have much emotional empathy (i dont know If thats a Word). I cant feel how other people are feeling, and cant "Walk in their shoes", so to speak. My Brand of empathy is very... Logic based. I imagine the situation and Go "yh, that must be great" or "yh that must be shitty" or at the very least "i dont know what i would do in this Situation but your obviously upset, and im sorry". But a lot of people dont bother with that, they dont actually think about what another might experience. I May not understand why another Person is Feeling the way they feel, but i can at least try to See where theyre coming from. It's usually Not even that hard. And unfortunate Side effect of that approach is that i relate a Lot of stuff Back to myself (Just Look at the Paragraph ...). And my way of solving a problem is to throw Logic at it. People who know me know that. If they want Problem solving, they come to me. If they just want someone to hug them and cry with them.... Another friend might be better ...
This is so true. Most neurotypical people seem to lack the empathy to understand why I get overwhelmed by "silly" things like strong perfume and lumpy food and I have been told many times to "just get over it."
If anything, I am too empathetic. As in, I have to be very careful not to be overwhelmed by other people's emotions and other people in general. I used to be bad at dealing with the empathy. For example, I felt a lot of things but I couldn't place them so I got confused and then people might think I cannot put myself in their place. As an adult with much more experience and practice, I think I can put my empathy to good use.
@@luludolan7405 Hello lulu :) Thank you for responding! I have always heard that being less emotionally expressive/driven is often an indication of ASD or other disorders on the autistic spectrum, but never about the opposite. I’m glad to hear there are others that are dealing with this. Wish you the best darling 🤎
I completely agree with ALL OF THIS. Growing up, I was told, "If you have too many tattoos, you won't be as attractive to men. If you don't shave your body hair, you might have trouble finding a guy who likes that." And I was like ... "but I don't want a relationship with someone who wants me to be different than I currently am!!! I'm happy with myself!" I think it's so weird that people would prefer to change themselves for another person rather than to find the person you already click with
you know youre right. i spent years of my life shaving my body and masking my personality, starving myself because pcos makes weight stick if you eat anything. just to get pawed at by nasty men uninvited and dumped for the next hotter person. i let it all go and now im fat, hairy, tatted, autistic, and stopped pretending not to be nb as well. i also have found that i have my own style and i can be funny and kind. i found someone who is kind to me, my best friend. and most surprising is hes the most attractive person ive ever been with. thats not so important except when you consider by society's standards i should be a spinster locked in an attic somewhere.
People think they have a "god given right" to tell you that you could look nice if you made an effort, like it's not an insult, and get really offended if you either feel insulted or don't care what they think.
I've learned in the last couple of years that being aroace has given me a lot of atypical views on how relationships should work.... Why would anyone ever be willing to change something they enjoy for someone else???
Yeah I gave up on shaving my pits and legs and I have yet to find someone who tells me they don’t like it to my face. Depending on where you go, the majority of people are puss1es and won’t say shite unless they are an insecure high schooler.
I think the most damaging misconception people have about autism is that autistic people are inherently less empathetic and less caring. They aren't!! Communication of emotions can be difficult, but that doesn't mean those same emotions aren't there. All it takes is a little bit of effort to make sure you're communicating properly and you're usually fine
I love thia point and completely agree. I think people with autism care too much about people, but because of social anxiety, can sometimes struggle to express it or on the positive side, build incredible connections.
This omfg. I'm an empathetic person but I'm bad at communicating my feelings and asking about others'. A difference in communication of emotions is often seen as having a lack of empathy. :/
@@fiery_scream its important to important to remember that having difficulties in communicating doesn't make you a bad person and empathy is a beautiful gift.
@@benjaminguyer7692 “people with autism care too much” Dude, honestly, that’s what people don’t get. I can’t watch the news, because seeing people’s suffering when I’m powerless to stop it makes me feel all the emotions, and it’s horrible. Especially when I’m watching it with NT friends/family who seem to be so dispassionate and detached from it all? Seeing people hurt makes me hurt, it’s just that displaying emotion openly also causes me physical pain, so I look like I’m blank when I’m really not. Luckily my current group of friends and my close family are pretty understanding these days, so when they’re having a meltdown or something, and I just stand nearby patting them on the shoulder and looking wildly uncomfortable, it’s because I desperately want to comfort them but have no idea how to go about it. On the plus side, it means little gestures like resting my head on their shoulder or a hug (or threatening to immolate whatever/whoever’s causing the problem) goes a long way.
It's partly because autism is such a broad category, almost everything outside of a narrow range is thrown in the same bin. There certainly are autistic people who have a hard time understanding that other people feel things, but there are just as many of us whose empathy is so strong as to be debilitating.
I want to be able to live in a fantasy at times, but I'd rather not be caught in a ball so I guess my catch rate would have to be extremely low... Guess that wouldn't work well in dating. Attract wouldn't work on me anyway. Bye heteronormative move. LOL
I find this weird stereotype that autistic people can't possible empthasize to be bizarre. As someone on the spectrum myself, I never really had much difficulty empthasizing with others. One of the areas I've generally struggled in is misreading social situations and not picking up on certain social cues. What others instinctually know, I had to manually learn over a much longer period of time. To a certain degree, you do have to adapt in life, but I would never force myself to change to please others.
It's because NT people refuse to empathize with ND people as a rule. They won't even try to comprehend differences in empathetic expression they way they want to force us to.
Hey, I hope this comment doesn't come across as condescending, I just want to correct what I think is a misunderstanding about what empathy is: Autistic people do have empathy, but we do still have problems with it and it is inherently defective in ASD by definition. The way empathy is measured in scientific studies involves the ability to read/ interpret the thoughts, feelings, reactions and intentions of others. It does not involve "feeling" the same thing as the other person necessarily- that is sympathy. Unfortunately, in pop culture and a lot of non-scientific literature, the definition of empathy combines the above-mentioned definitions of empathy and sympathy into one construct- so a lot of people end up thinking that a lack of sympathy is a lack of empathy. This is why it's often said that serial killers lack empathy when it's actually the lack of sympathy that's most pronounced. I guess this is what most people think when they hear that autistic people lack empathy- they think "cold, calculating" etc... This means that we do unfortunately have deficits with empathy - we have a hard time reading the feelings and intentions of others by the very definition of autism. But we do tend to develop cognitive empathy which enables us to process the thoughts and feelings of others retroactively or proactively instead of on the fly which can mitigate some of the negative effects of our lack of reactive /"on-the-fly" empathy that neurotypicals have. I'll briefly add that it seems to be linked to the oxytocin synthesis and serotonergic issues that we have that causes deficits in empathy. As these are at reduced/altered levels in ASD and they are required for empathizing properly and many other social skills. So when you mentioned not picking up on social cues- that actually is a lack of empathy, but you can definitely sympathize and employ cognitive empathy to retroactively correct a mistake.
I find a lot of autistic people are actually hyper empathetic, we just don’t express our empathy in the right way. When we try to relate to other my sharing our own similar experiences, we are selfish and self centered. But NT do some concerned nod and they are immedietly view as empathetic.
i think there's a lot of misconceptions about how autism manifests and that people think that every autistic person has the same set of autistic traits when that's not really the case at all. for example, i don't necessarily ping as autistic to people when they first meet me because i don't have too many social difficulties and i've learned to navigate the social problems i do have pretty well, but when it comes to emotional and sensory stuff, i struggle a ton. i don't have any lack of empathy, and because i also have adhd i actually kind of have the opposite problem. my point is basically that autism doesn't look the same on everyone and i wish people would realize that. also i wish people would realize that struggling with empathy doesn't mean struggling to sympathize with people or not being able to experience a full range of emotions yourself.
@Nadine I think a big part of the issue is that NTs don't explain the how's/why's of why certain behavior is "bad" (or they don't understand how to in a way that it clicks for the ND person). It's like with machine learning where just throwing lots data at it can sometimes end up hurting things, you need to make sure it's valuable data worth being used. ND kids sort of just fill in the blanks with guesses based on experience about why a behavior was wrong, we can even learn to spot the patterns of when we receive negative social responses, but we very often lack adequate insight into *why* the other person is reacting that way, and we often end up filling in the blanks with incredibly wrong guesses. Like I still remember eating at a friend's house, being asked if I like the food, and then getting in big trouble with my mom when I got home because I said no. If my mom had explained that it takes a lot of time and energy to make food and it can be very hurtful to the cook to say you don't like it, I would have gotten that. I always felt terrible when I'd hurt people's feelings. But instead my mom just vaguely said that you can't say that to people, you have to pretend you like it even if you don't. The issue wasn't the green beans itself, it was that I came across to my friends mom as ungrateful. If anyone had explained that to me, I would have figured out that instead of insulting the veggies, I could have heaped praise onto the chicken. But nobody explained that the question being asked wasn't actually about the quality of the green beans, so for years I just thought that anytime anyone offered you food under ANY context, you had to pretend to like it.
exavtly!! all of my exes always put me down and tried to make me feel stupid but my boyfriend now looks to me for advice and answers and i love how understanding he is of my autism
@@mmmk9966, a lot of social rules are terribly vague, and how to get around them can be really difficult without the necessary guidence. I'm neurotypical, and I think a lot of it is just BS.
Remember: when people say horrid things to you or make assumptions about you, it says so much more about _them_ than it ever does about you. Even being technically "correct" does not negate the fact that they're being a malignant shitgoblin.
Though make sure you don’t take their worries and concerns or problems as criticism. So if you have subconsciously made their life harder it’s doesn’t make them a life-sucking shitlicker to tell you their point of view, and even if that hurts you feelings it’s still their experience and we need to take it under account
Telling someone to suppress their true self is terrible advice to give to anyone. And it’s downright dangerous advice for autistics. My current relationship is the only one where I have ever felt safe enough to be unapologetically myself and my fiancé appreciates things about me that others didn’t. I stim openly at home, and I feel free to say “I don’t feel up to doing somethings” , or that I will go to that party, but I want to leave before a certain time, when I’ll reach my limit. There are aspects of me that were always fully masked before this relationship because If they ever peeked out, the other person would tell me to stop being weird/sensitive/ or “that’s not normal”. I was always in relationships that the other person didn’t accept me and I put on my “best nt self”. I can see now how it led to burnouts and very dramatic meltdowns and ultimately the relationships didn’t last. Trust me that the right person will love you for who you really are…being single is much better than being with someone who doesn’t love you for you.
I'm not on the autism spectrum, but I have mosaic Down Syndrome and I accepted the fact that the world isn't exactly made for people like me a long time ago. Not too long ago, I realized that part of my disability is definitely ND. I had two choices to make: I could 1) understand myself and realize my limitations or 2) stay where I am and do nothing about anything. From my personal experience, I have found the more I understand myself and make accommodations, I can be even more successful and be an active member of my community. I really think it's all about perspective and attitude that has made the difference for me. It's unnecessary for me to divulge my disability unless the situation requires it. I'm an open book, but at the end of the day, I don't need to tell everyone and anyone.
Mosaic Down Syndrome? Is that an error or is it what it says? I don’t know much of anything about Down Syndrome so it would be cool if you taught me something
@@frownyclowny6955 i'm not this person and google is free but from what i remember mosaic down syndrome is when not all cells have the extra chromosome, just a fraction of them? hence the name mosaic, bc their body is made up of both types of cells like a mosaic
Actually even for neurotypical people, inteligent women are sometimes intimidating for men. I remember watching a street interview (or something like that, can’t recall the detail) with Japanese women from prestigious school, and almost all of them said that they dumb themselves down in a conversation, because “men will get intimidated”. And they even gave examples, the moment they said what university are they from on a blind date the men lost interest! This is a phenomen that applies to men with massively fragile masculinity - they are so insecure in themselves, that they won’t date anybody more intelligent than they are, because they can’t seem dumb. It also applies to women who make more money than them. But it’s a useful thing, because ut shows quickly and allows us to move on next people.
The issue with intelligence in Autism I think is overrated or misunderstood. Raw intelligence us very difficult to quantify and apply in real life anyway. Any Psychologist will tell you that that is a major issue with IQ tests. IQ tests don't take into account how the real world works... What Autistic people TEND to do is look it up or are inquisitive. I'm not talking about the severe versions. The outwardly less obvious versions. Also In general people with Autism will know a lot about a certain set of subjects. Because of that they will drop odd bits of very advanced knowledge giving the suggestion they are great in that subject.
I think they could have made that advice about „not going on endlessly about your interests“ more productive by changing it to „Make sure there is a good balance in your conversation. Both parties should talk and listen about the same amount“. That‘s a good quality to have in general and many neurotypical people are bad at it as well.
"Be yourself but not like that!" Just about everyone who tries to help autistic people without understanding them echos this. The 2 biggest examples i have seen is Sia's movie "Music", and the charity Autism Speaks. Only check both of those out if you've had too much dopamine recently or something
Autism Speaks speaks only for Autism Speaks. They're barely just a few rungs above a hate group imo. They've compared autism to cancer, advocated for murdering autistic kids, financially supported a psych institution that literally tortured and killed autistic kids, and in general have spread a lot of inaccurate information about autism. I used to be quite active in autism advocacy in several states. I was asked once on a panel: "What's the #1 thing holding back the autistic community?" My answer: "Autism Speaks."
I feel like the in and of itself is ableist, like it already assumes all autistic people are non-verbal or unable to communicate for themselves in any way. This is just my impression anyway.
Growing up I always remember being told I was “too much” and I needed to “tone it down”. I was shooshed and told I made it hard for everyone around me. When I was diagnosed with ASD and ADHD I was told, “Oh you were supposed to grow out of that. It makes sense you were such a weird kid.” Gutted…
Man, I was diagnosed as a kid, and had several teachers and school administrators basically weaponize my diagnosis against me, blaming all the bullying on me having "misunderstood social cues" rather than my classmates being little assholes. NT people can be so awful sometimes.
@@jessicaharrison4719 I wasn't diagnosed as a kid, but tried very hard to fit in with others. Usually this involved my talking about whatever was of interest to me at the time. In hindsight I meant it as an olive branch to try to form friendships, "I like x, you seem nice, I'm going to talk about x with you because I want to share what I like." This backfired and was seen as my intentionally acting as different as possible and, if I just tried fitting in more, I wouldn't be bullied.
My daughter was diagnosed with Autism this past summer. Its ok, we were expecting it. She just turned 7 so not yet old enough for this book and now I know to ensure she never reads this. 😂 Thanks my dear!! You're always so sweet and genuine and funny when you do reactions to things like this. Love your book reviews!! Keep them coming!! ❤
Unrelated, but it makes me so happy that y’all managed to get her diagnosed so young! Usually it’s difficult for it to be recognized, especially in young girls. It’s good to know your child has such a supportive mother :-)
This is kind of off-topic, but do you think advising Huntington's patients to not have children is eugenics? I'm kinda torn on it, because it goes in that direction but I think if you have that disease, having kids is really immoral.
@@missmarsh1011 I specifically didn't, I said it was off-topic and didn't mention autism. I don't even know if autism can be genetically transfered. But yeah, the two aren't related. Also, it's not something that is going to seriously disable you, the vast majority of the time. In fact, it can be beneficial if you can manage the downsides properly.
@@Nerobyrne Thank you for clarifying. FWIW, autism does appear to have a strong genetic component, even if genetics are not the sole cause. Also, there's a lot of variation in how it presents, from "comes across as a quirky genius" to "intellectually-disabled, cannot live independently." There can be advantages to being autistic, don't get me wrong, but it is still a disability that is not always well accommodated by society. Unfortunately, researchers have been more focused on the causes of autism and how it might be "cured" - something most autistic people do not want, even a lot of the very disabled ones - than on how to support autistic people and help them live their best lives. That's why I'm extra-cautious when anybody seems to be making eugenic arguments against autistic people!
@@Nerobyrne I know you didn't ask me but I'm gonna throw in my two cents anyway - I don't think people with Huntington's or other diseases should be told not to have children, though they should be informed of the chances of their children developing it. Just because a parent has a disease doesn't guarantee that they'll pass it on to their children, although it is a risk. It is up to the individual to weigh that risk and decide for themselves if the risk if worth it. I do think advising them not to have children would qualify as eugenics.
I just want to say that I love love love that you’re talking more about autism! I’ve suspected/known i was autistic since I was 16-17, just got my diagnosis earlier this year at age 25, and i’ve been watching your videos for a few years now. I’ve always related to you so hard and knowing we have this in common makes it make more sense 😂 I love your views on all of this - “autism isn’t just a bad thing, it’s actually a really cool thing about me!” Something I need to remember more often girl thank you 🧡 Also edit - a great book about autism is “Women from another planet?” which is written by many autistic women in short stories, essays, emails etc, and it’s honestly one of the best things i’ve ever read, if you want to read an actually good, non-offensive book lol
I'm not even 2 minutes in and already had to stop and comment to only say: I don't understand the "no empathy" stigma against autistics at all. I'm autistic and have always been hyper-empathetic, and was really sensitive to all sorts of sad or upsetting things. Even as an adult, even if I don't cry as easily now, I'm still hyper-empathetic. It's such an awful awful stigma.
me too. ive always been way too empathetic to the point where it harms my psyche to even be reminded that people in pain exist because it just makes me feel horrible because i cant really do anything about it and i just beat myself over complete strangers ive never meet nor will ever meet. and then some douche comes along and is like "oh youll never understand other peoples pain" 😐
as someone who's dating someone who is on the spectrum, and sometimes struggles with communication, it would be amazing to have a video that actually goes over ways to communicate, or some resources that could help! I love this video
@I'm So Tired honestly, I feel like a lot of what you're saying is what we're doing already. It's just very scary to me to think that I may be misinterpreting things he says or that he would ever feel unable to get his feelings across. Hearing other people's stories helps a lot with understanding his situation as well. We've been together for almost 3 years, so we're doing things right supposedly. But thank you, your advice has been noted!
@@specialsnail4183 hey I think it's awesome that you want to understand your partner's autism 💜 if you're worried about misinterpreting something he says,maybe try asking him for clarification or repeat it back and ask if that's what he meant. I'm autistic and have had quite a few issues with NT people misinterpreting what I say because I'm very literal about what I say and sometimes people look for a hidden meaning under my statement that I didn't intend but (I think) most NT people expect. Eg: i told someone that her new hair colour was fun+interesting and she thought I was making fun of her 😬
@@specialsnail4183 one thing to keep in mind is the trauma of being othered frequently in social situations, even by family and friends sometimes. and frequently misunderstood. it helps in a calm moment to say "when i feel this im going to try to talk about it using these words so you know im not rejecting you/you arent bad." another thing thats helped is a signal. if i start edging toward a meltdown i tell my spouse im in the bad place. i have a walk in closet i go to when i feel the bad place coming. try lowering light levels or sound levels, making sure he is wearing favorite clothes and sitting in a favorite place when having serious talks. i always feel safer/more in control in my spot. and dont blame yourself when healthy patterns dont work because some days are just bad days. people are confusing and mean and clothes have itchy spots and sometimes you have to touch cotton balls or dust or dont get to finish a task you were intent upon and it just puts you in a mental hellhole.
Not being able to accept that someone is Autistic stems purely from immaturity, in my opinion. When I was 18-21 I definitely was uneducated and inexperienced with most relationships, but that just meant that I didn't know how to handle most issues, be empathetic/sympathetic to a lot of situations, and communicate effectively. That never changed me liking someone for who they were. And if you like someone for who they are, that means you like WHATEVER EXPERIENCES THEY'VE HAD that made them into that person, including how their mind works that leads to attractive behaviors. Learning that they have some sort of mental issue doesn't change any of that, it just provides a label and explanation for it. If there are certain issues you can't deal with, you'd have not been able to deal with it whether or not you knew that person was Autistic...it's just crazy the mental gymnastics people will go through when it's really very simple. Of course, I suspect that I might have Autism myself, but I didn't suspect that whatsoever in my younger years. As I got older and had more experiences with friendships and romantic relationships my viewpoints changed. After all, I'd never be able to date someone who killed animals no matter what mental issue they had. Fundamental beliefs and actions are key factors in attraction and the label shouldn't be important.
Just out of curiosity, what if the person only took an animal life to eat? Also like, used all of the creature and treated it with respect in life and death? No shade either way, it just peaked my interest. ^-^
@@Mylittlestcorner If they enjoy hunting, that would probably just mean that we're not compatible as partners, but that's different than what I was meaning. Was talking about people that murder animals because of an urge to do so, or just out of a cruelty mindset. I grew up in the country so someone knowing how to hunt could be useful in situations and that wouldn't inherently make me want to break up with them since it's a common thing to know how to do. :)
Thank you. Thank you so much. I'm an autistic woman in her 40s who's diagnosis alone was s tremendous struggle. I'm comfortable with eye contact and because of this, many clinicians refused to consider that I'm on the spectrum. Also, thank you to the viewers of this video who are being so open about thier experiences in the comments. It helps more than you know ❤
A lot of girls and women are diagnosed later in life, because they usually present a little different than boys and men. This discrimination of women in the health system is to say the least a problem, and at worst it can be life-threatening.
“Sensory issues with food and sound” - this just jumped out at me from the intro. All my life I struggled with explaining why I couldn’t stand to have the tags in shirts, why I was unable to swallow any foods with too strong a flavor (even if I liked it) and/or the “wrong” textures, why I get overwhelmed when too many people are talking and cannot even follow what a person is saying if a television happens to be playing too. It was a profound relief to just be able to say “it’s a neurological thing” (while also worrying about “do they think I’m lying since I was good at school and never diagnosed with anything before?”, but that’s still at least a bit less stressful to me than worrying “am I really just being difficult, could I be more normal if I’d just try harder?”)
This! I do not have an autism diagnosis, but I did get an evaluation that came out to be generalized anxiety. But the generalized anxiety was very much a ??? thing bc they got stumped
My boyfriend has never been diagnosed and doesn’t feel like he has any reason to get a diagnosis at this point since he’s doing fine without accommodations and it’s hard for an adult to be diagnosed, ESPECIALLY when they’re able to manage life like any other adult, but even more severely disabled autistic people have this issue (whereas I was diagnosed as a child) but we’re both pretty certain we’re both autistic and I hate to say it but it’s been a lifesaver. Things go so much more smoothly because we think and communicate in very similar ways. And I can’t help but wonder if that’s how neurotypical people feel. Getting to just - TALK and enjoy yourself without having to constantly think about it and plan everything out in your head before you say it and constantly focus on what my face and body is doing
Thanks for sharing this. As someone who is neurotypical, but has always had friends with autism, I really want to better understand those friends and be a better friend.
I am so happy for you feeling validated and loved, that's how it is supposed to feel like. I am NT and I've dated ND people in the past, I felt insecure and that I wasn't good enough, felt like walking on egg shells all the time. The key is communication honestly, I feel like I have a better understanding now and in retrospect I've made a bunch of mistakes in my past relationships with ND people due to lack of communication.
@@willowtdog6449 this, after taking care of my ND mum, I feel like I am finally learning to be empathic with other ND people instead of frustrated. If it weren't because my mum was diagnosed and I made research, I would have never known.
@@mariammosashvili4150 you’re definitely right. I don’t mean to sound like mixed neutotype relationships can’t work, I just have to put up a front and mask a lot in day to day life it’s just a bonus having a level of understanding automatically and not having to do that around him, but the extra effort to connect with someone with a different neurotype can be such a beautiful and interesting experience too. There are lots of wonderful people in the world of all different types
Not dating anyone right now, but I will say that I have deep and meaningful friendships for the first time in my life because I found a small pocket of people on the spectrum, and we just GET each other in a way that nobody else has over the years. At this point, I don't think I could date anyone who was neurological, just because that adds a layer of emotional labor that I now know is unnecessary.
That long rant about your personal experience and journey with clothes and physical appearance... Oh boy, do I feel you. I am also a late diagnosed autistic woman about your age. Most of my life I have toned down my clothing and avoided the clothes I actually wanted to wear. A short while before I started my diagnostic process I gained the confidence to dress the way I wanted, which is bright and bold and fantastical. I have been developing my style over the past few years. Especially during Lockdown. And I am now at a point where I am never going back, not for anyone. I find that dressing extravagantly makes life so much easier. In a way it's a statement to anyone, to better not expect me to be and act "normal", for another it pushes the things in my physical appearance, that make me insecure into the background. And most noticably, I find that it helps a lot when it comes to social situations, because it attracts people that I am more likely to be compatible with and discourages people who can't or won't be open minded enough to accept my quirks. I'm not sure that applies to dating aswell since I am aro, but I can't imagen why anyone would want to waste their time getting to know someone who might turn out to be incompatible, if you have such an easy way to filter out the worst candidates right from the get go. Seems to me like the authors of that book are mostly parroting what they have been told, without actually understanding the topic themselfs.
No joke I’m legit afraid to date neurotypical people. It’s not that I think they’re all bad, I just know that with two people with entirely different neurotypes there’s going to be a bigger barrier as far as communication and understanding how the other one processes their emotions.
We basically speak different languages, and they're so impatient on realising that and trying to switch, only to wonder why they get mad because they can't understand us. And then the ever decreasing circles begin.
Neorutypical here, my mum and my bro are both neurodivergent. Having that experience helped me a lot to gain empathy. On the topic of dating, don't be afraid, be upfront, if the other person doesn't try to understand you at all, just move on. Dating should feel good, if you feel invalidated, just leave. Also, it takes time to understand one another (took me years to finally understand my mum) and if they take the time to know you and want to know you, they wouldn't mind at all you being upfront and honest.
I’m autistic and my boyfriend (of several years now) is NT. He's absolutely wonderful and understanding and we really work well together, and I think I would also struggle to date someone who is autistic in the sense that we compliment each other well. When I’m having sensory issues or anxiety over something or a meltdown, he can help me and when he’s having problems I can often give him help from an angle he hadn’t considered or been able to access. Good and understanding NT people do exist, and I hope you end up happy with whomever you find! :)
It’s honestly really refreshing to hear your experiences with being a late-diagnosed autistic. I’m also a late-diagnosed autistic, and I can relate to/have experienced almost all of the things you mentioned, especially about looking back at interactions. It’s so validating to hear this kind of stuff because of how often people seem to regard it as odd or anomaly. Thank you so much for talking about your experiences; I know it can be scary. If you decide to talk more about your experience with being autistic and/or being diagnosed later in life, just know that us fellow autistics will be here to support you :0)
I was diagnosed with autism aged 10, and 8 years later I'm getting diagnosed with ADHD. I am in a long-term relationship that has never suffered because of my neurodivergence. We communicate, we take things slow, and we ignore everyone else. Of course it does help that she's a weirdo too!
I've had an autism diagnosis since I was 15 (give or take a year) but recently a lot of creators I watch on youtube have been discussing their recent adhd diagnoses and I can help but think I might also have adhd. I definitely am autistic though.
I was also that weird unfashionable kid. It took me all through college and my early adulthood to come into my own. I was lucky not to get bullied to my face, what people said behind my back I have no idea. But, it did mean that I was never asked out in school. I was so surprised in college when I started getting compliments on my style. I was still wearing the outdated hand-me-down clothes but I'd learned how to wear them in a unique way. So, hearing this book tell anyone to tone it down is awful. No one should tone down anything about themselves to suit other people. It takes so much for us to learn how to cultivate ourselves, no one should ever insist we throw that work away to be with another person. A person who in the end likes the dulled-down version of us, not our real selves.
if "unfashionable" people toned it down there would be no couture. no message and story behind fashion. there would be an endless sea of abercrombies and jc penny. D:
I was always more on the opposite side of things where I would always dress practically rather than fashionably. It really came into play my senior year of high school when I was doing hospital rotations for health sciences and had to wear scrubs 3 days out of the week. Since I usually would just wear jeans and the first shirt I grabbed from my closet with laundry on the weekends making people think that I only had 5 pieces of clothes
This video really gives me a lot to think about. I was diagnosed with what was then called "Aspergers syndrome" when I was five and I'm twenty now. All my life I've been very thankful that my mother saw the things that I did, thought and wanted differently than most other people and took me to see a specialist who could diagnose me. And don't get me wrong, I really like myself and I'm not at all ashamed of being autistic, but I feel that the negative stereotypes surrounding autism, the ones we're trying to phase out now, has made me sort of "self-censor" in ways that has made my life harder than it would have been if I'd have been born today and certain people around me would have had more modern and progressive lenses through which to view me. I remember feeling really talked down to by certain adults I had contact with while being in a programme learning about my diagnosis when I was about six or seven for instance. I would ask simple, basic questions like "What time is snack time because I'm getting quite hungry" and I'd get these incredibly patronizing answers about how important it was to stick to the schedule and that I shouldn't worry about it all spoken in some stupid baby voice. I hated it. I felt like an idiot in that place. I was bullied for my special interests and mannerisms during several of my school years as well, and these things lead me to thinking that I'd always get treated like some annoying moron if I didn't change myself, so I did. I spent the near-entirety of my teenage years really trying to downplay my autistic tendencies when in the company of people, even my best friends and partners. I was open about having it and I couldn't hide that certain things like loud noises, bright lights, certain foods etc. were incredibly difficult for me, but other than that I tried to be as "normal" and "extroverted" as I could muster, even though it wasn't uncommon for me to get enormous bouts of anxiety and near panic attacks after certain kinds of social interactions like parties, I still just dug my heels in and kept doing it. I think I've suffered from a lot of internalised ableism. Wanting people to view me as funny, or smart, or hot, or cool instead of like one of those "autists" that people would make cruel jokes about. I recently saw a psychologist for an initially unrelated issue but I realized there that a lot of my stresses, my anxieties, my worries, and my more serious mental problems largely stem from constantly being aware and nervously on guard about what people are going to think about me. I've really tried to work on this recently, and I'm trying to me more true to myself now. But the problem is that I've been doing this "being normal" thing for so long that I barely know how much of it is acting and how much of it is really me nowadays. I guess that's just going to be life going forwards. I really want to be me for my sakes, not just whilst in my own company, but around everyone else too. I want to feel free, because I've never really felt that way. Here's hoping it goes well, and that I'll respect and love myself more in the future than I have in the past.
You're not alone... I'm basically in the same situation as you. I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome at the age of 4-5, was isolated and bullied by my peers in elementary school due to my interests and mannerisms, spent my teens forcing myself to appear as neurotypical as possible, and now at the age of 22 I'm suffering the consequences and planning on going to therapy. The whole losing your sense of self after pretending to be "normal" for so long is exactly what I've been dealing with as well. After working so hard and pushing myself past my breaking point for years, I realized that I will never achieve that "normal" and no amount of effort or hard work will change that fact. I've been accommodating neurotypical people by putting myself through pain this entire time and for years I never even noticed it. I spent all of my time on improving how I appear on the outside and zero time improving myself on the inside. I basically have no healthy coping mechanisms and all of the anxiety and stress I deal with on a daily basis is still there. The problem is that appearing "normal" is what neurotypical people view as an improvement on our autism. The things I struggle with are on the inside and yet people judge how well I am based on my outer appearance and mannerisms. I hope this outdated idea is put to rest and people begin focusing on improving the mental health of autists instead of focusing on how they present themselves.
I mean, a lot of the thought on how to teach autistic people back then was basically that - teach them to be indistinguishable from their peers, then they will automatically have a better quality of life. That approach failed most autistic people miserably - that's the consequence of a patronising attitude that NT people know better than autistic people what's best for them.
Your point about hating eye contact is something I relate to honestly, it feels very intimate to me and that makes me uncomfortable. I would much rather be allowed to walk around or fidget and wander around or look around a room while I talk. The first time my therapist told me she didn't mind if I didn't look at her while I talked and said "I know you're paying attention, you don't have to look at me", it was such a huge relief bc teachers got on me about that. Also about handshakes. I hate handshakes. The devil's greeting, truly Edit: listen, if a date has a problem with how I dress, they can take it up with someone else lmao, I'm not changing for anyone
Eye contact stresses me out so much. My first therapist (right after my diagnosis) used to comment on how good I was at making eye contact. Which, like when someone points out your breathing, meant I ended up manually paying attention to where my eyes were during every session (I had 4 things I used to look at in a specific order and I'd count in my head how long to look at each thing before shifting my gaze) I also feel like when I'm making extended eye contact with someone, part of my brain hyperfocuses on their facial expressions and my own which means I'm distracted from the conversation. I want to be able to have a conversation with someone while I stare into space a little to their right, is that too much to ask?
I find Rachel fascinating because she's smart and creative and a little bit silly sometimes and she has the world's most wonderful dog. We love you Rachel, this is a great video on an important video to talk about 🌼
I used to have a partner who was an aspie, and she was wonderful! It is disheartening to see these kinds of books. When she broke it off with me saying she was aromantic, I wasn't mad. Because she was figuring out who she was, she could finally be herself. So to anyone who's reading this, I want you to know that you too are an amazing person, be yourself and find someone who will love you for you. Have a wonderful day.
I'll just let something off my chest on the internet: you talking about your teeth reminded me SO much of my mum. She's just like how you described, with the added caveat of being terrified of dentists (rightfully so, when she was growing up any butcher could call themselves a dentist). We've been trying to save up for her dental work - she's literally been denied jobs because of how her teeth look -, but it's one of those situations where whenever we're getting very close, something else happens that requires more immediate attention and money - more serious health issues, for example. Just felt like venting a bit.
I haven't been diagnosed with anything, but I know that I'm not neurotypical; I've known it my whole life. My whole life has felt like everyone is in on an inside joke and you can't tell if it's about you or if it's just something you don't get. I've dealt with earnestly pursuing friends and constantly having them distance themselves or tell me they like me just not right now, and it's made relationships really hard. Now that I'm with my partner I've found myself waiting for him to tell me that he doesn't actually like me and it's really hard carrying that weight around and not knowing how to talk to him about it, because I'm scared of it hurting or offending him somehow. It's too bad the book isn't just a good guide.
Maybe you could explain it like you did here:) Tell him that it‘s your past experiences that make you have this fear and not something he‘s doing that makes you suspect that.
@@idoitonastick8689 Oh that's a cool idea. Usually if I put a lot of disclaimers in front of what I'm about to say, that ends up working for me. It's kind of a weird system but I'll say 'This might sound bad but I don't mean it how you think I mean it.' Then he'll rephrase what he thinks I said and I can clarify.
As someone married to a man with autism, I appreciate this so much ❤️ Also, I don’t think you’re weird. I think you’re interesting and genuine. EDIT: Keep those intros as long as you want. That is how my husband also speaks. It’s an ASD thing. People can just get over it.
It always annoys me when ppl talk about how autism/other neurodivergencies automatically means you’ll have have poor communication skills when I’ve never had a problem communicating with other NDs. The only times I really notice “social difficulties” in myself is when trying to communicate over that neurotype difference.
I’ve never minded “long” intros, Rachel. Especially with content that may be sensitive or difficult to discuss, I think it’s good to have a preface to the video.
Oh man. Oh dog. The immediate "yeah it totally makes sense" thought that I had when Rachel mentioned being autistic :D For me personally, masking is the biggest problem in dating; it's like I'm my own worst enemy. I create this wonderful persona that I can sustain for a date or two, and people get a completely wrong idea of who I actually am. I honestly don't know how to un-mask at this point. It's like I'm terrible at communication with both neurotypicals (because I pretend to be someone I'm not) and neurodivergent people (because I'm doing my best to pretend I'm not like them) and it's just lonely and silly. P.S. Any further content on ASD would be very very much appreciated!
I got diagnosed last year. Mine is specifically comorbid with my epilepsy. Yes, it means my social skills aren’t great, yes it means I overstim more than the average person, so what? You can live with it, thrive with it. I’m lucky that my boyfriend has disabilities of his own. I inform him on mine and me on his. We have since we were kids. I get I’m blessed, lucky. No one is the same when it comes to autism. Great video, lovely. Well done.
Telling someone they're "weird" is such a non-description, you can be kicking puppies in the street weird or you can be weaving daffodils in your hair weird, and those are not even remotely similar. :) But then again, there's a lot of weird people out there that are interesting and fascinating and worth knowing.
I have a lot of autistic friends and am rather neurodivergent myself so I'm thankful to hear your perspective. I feel like I haven't seen a lot of neurodivergent folks talk about their experiences openly, which is definitely a shame, especially when navigating a world that doesn't really want to accommodate us. It is understandable of course with all of the stigma out there but it's still good to see.
thanks for being so vulnerable with us. im not autistic, but adhd, and ive always been the ugly weird girl since i can remember. people never talk about what it feels like or how we feel about what people say
Something that annoys me so much is when people equate having a lack of empathy as not being very human. Which is very frustrating as empathetic people can be quite cruel and selfish themselves. You are not your emotions or thoughts, you are your actions and words. Sincerely, from someone who feels quite a lot.
I learnt so much just from the introduction alone, e.g I had previously thought Autism worked on a linear scale, so thank you! The fact you were brave enough to do this is admirable and will help educate so many!!
It’s definitely more timey wimey and complex than it is linear. I guess I disagree somewhat with Rachel about there not being different levels of severity though. Maybe that’s not the most accurate term, I think some autistic people are more highly disabled, or have more difficulty with more things on that circle than others. My brother is “low functioning” which I agree is not a good term, for him intellectual disability is a part of his autism. I don’t know if that’s the best term either, I’ve seen some argue against it, but I don’t know how else to describe that aspect of how his autism presents other than that he is much more similar to Rainman than, well, any autistic person I’ve ever seen on TH-cam. And sometimes I worry that without some distinguishing terminology autistic people like him get unintentionally erased, or treated like they are a myth, and they typically aren’t as able to advocate for themselves. I’m not saying it’s a “worse amount” of autism, just acknowledging there’s different amounts of accommodations needed for different autistic people, and that is going to affect their experiences of the world differently. However I’m not autistic, (or neurotypical, I have adhd) so I’m always coming from an outside perspective on it so please don’t take my word as a given either.
@@caitlinhogan5258 Well actually, autistic people with ID are both autistic and ID, the ID is not "part of the autism" - they are co-occurring disabilities.
Book aside, I'm very scary of dating... I developed BPD, too, from being autistic in a confusing nt world. When I'm in a relationship, I'm a mess (like Trisha level hot mess). Plus my boyfriend that I started dating before my diagnosis is now dead, so I'm thinking about just being alone forever.
My heart aches because you've described so much of what I feel and I hate knowing that your life has been comparably confusing. Sending love from Oregon
I can’t believe people still think us autties lack empathy. We have said over and over again we don’t, we just don’t always show it the same way neurotypicals do. What’s so hard about that to grasp??? People will learn about autism from anyone BUT someone with autism. The fact that they claim we lack empathy because we show it differently-and *refuse* to learn that that’s not the case-shows that if anyone has a lack of empathy, it’s them. It’s also so ridiculous that people (even doctors?!?) base “how autistic” you are off of how much you inconvenience other people. It’s MY disorder?!? Shouldn’t it be based off of ME?!? Why is it that, when discussing autism, doctors conveniently forget that YOU are their patient and not the rest of the damn world? I finally, after being certain that I’m autistic for 3-4 years, tried to get a diagnosis and my mom was just as condescending and dismissive as I thought she’d be. And surprise surprise, her main argument was “you do fine in school.” Meaning I get decent grades. No regard for my personal experiences or feelings, thanks mom, good to know my ability to dedicate an unhealthy amount of energy and stress to a flawed “education” system is all that matters to you 👍
i mean, i have low empathy and I'm autistic. the "autistics lack empathy" thing is false because many don't lack it (and infact there's a large amount that have hyperempathy), but like .... its ok to lack empathy, too. it's just a thing your brain does, and for some people, their brain doesn't do it, or doesn't do it a lot, or only to animals or fictional characters, etc.
I was misdiagnosed with an ASD for a couple of years, and it was....a challenge. A lot of personel in the health system either talked to me like I was 10 years old, or they practically ignored me and just talked to my parents (who usually show up, when I'm in a hospital bed). I've been a little....impolite to some of them and said things like: "Since I'm in the room, I'm awake, an adult and not mentally retarded, could you speak to me?". In the end I was re-diagnosed by a competent doctor as being nerdy, liking black clothes and metal, and having a chronic depression. The disrespect a lot of you have to live with (like this book) is demeaning. There's a couple of people in my group of friends, who are Aspies (their prefered word for it...I think they like it because it's so informal), and usually we joke about them having a different operating system installed. There's nothing wrong with it, and it works perfectly. It just works a little different, and once you learn to communicate with it, most problems are easily solved. I think in a lot of ways society has very little patience with people, who has non-typical needs, and it's really sad, because the non-typical of us have so much to give.
As someone who is on the spectrum (not diagnosed) with an autistic son (diagnosed) who is on the cusp of adolescence, I'm very grateful you've touched on this subject with your usual care, sensitivity and intelligence. Love and thanks to you and the furry princess.
I was potentially a few days away from getting this book, but I've run into constant issues with books about living while autistic being incredibly patronizing and belittling - I was bracing myself for it because at this point I expect to be infantilized for my condition but really wanted some better first hand experience type books relating to relationships between people on the spectrum. Thankfully I'll be avoiding this trainwreck, it sounds gross
i’ve found that when neurotypicals refer to “empathy” they’re actually referring to PERFORMED empathy. it has nothing to do with how much you actually care about someone, how capable if cognitively or emotionally putting yourself in their shoes, but rather how you perform the right emotions in response to their own. like, on the whole i think empathy is a wildly overrated concept and i think people need to reevaluate the role it plays in their lives, (empathy is a tool, not a moral prerequisite. but it is an incredibly useful tool no matter how cynical you might see yourself as) but so many times neurotypicals only express certain emotions to like, goad the right response out of you? and i don’t mean merely seeking support, which is fine even if a lot of NTs have a misguided approach when it comes to what kind of support autistic people can offer, but there are definitely spaces ive been in and people i’ve known where they set these things up where they “test” you so-to-speak and expect you to PERFORM the emotion the “right” way, in a way that’s profoundly exhausting for autistic people like me and takes a heavy toll, and then punish you for failing. like, i don’t wanna sound too cynical and need to clarify that this is absolutely a minority of people, and these people are toxic to the NT people in their lives too, but our cultural understanding of empathy and the role it plays in the human experience absolutely enables it severely. (and by “spaces” i mean a lot of activist spaces especially tbh, even disability activism. not that evangelical christians or right wingers are any better lol, but it is a problem that even spaces allegedly made for people like me tend to feel actively hostile to people like me)
Omg yes. The performative aspect. I have literally been called cold for Not hugging someone at the right Moment. I hate hugging, it makes me feel weird and i cant read when someone wants a hug and when they dont. My family isnt physical at all, we dont hug or cuddle, so how was i supposed to learn it. I am Not diagnosed with anything, btw, so chances are im an introverted NT person with a slightly different socialisation. But ive been called cold and uncaring for not performing empathy in the correct manner. It's annoying af and the best you can do is learn to ignore it (especially with people you dont know because its a waste of time to try and Change their pov) or try to explain your way of relating (probably worth a Shot with family and friends).
@@annabeinglazy5580 for real. i have an extremely difficult time performing enthusiasm for one thing, like it’s just not something i feel often and when i do it’s not something i’m all that expressive about. my mom used to get really upset with me if she got me something or surprised me with something and i didn’t know how to perform the response correctly. that’s an easy one. another is like, idk, when people vent to me about something? idk how to like, give a properly nurturing response. like sure i could give em a hug or something but it’s like, while frankly i’m NOT honestly that interested a lot of the time, even then like, if i listen and stuff idk how i’m supposed to respond. usually, if the person is mature enough, the response is just “nothing,” just like, being there to listen and maybe offer similar anecdotes or something, but some people expect something from you and it’s very bizarre to me. again, i can totally put myself in their shoes a lot of the time and see why they’re upset, but sometimes people want something more than just a listening ear and i have zero clue what to do. it’s tough for me to perform grief as well. i’ve learned i don’t process death the same way a lot of people do, like i grieve of course and stuff but it’s really hard for me to perform the right kind of grief for some people. and this isn’t limited to NTs by any means, but there’s just… a lot of other things people are very serious about that i just… cannot bring myself to care about? like… i just don’t care about a lot of regular social drama that people have lmao. i don’t understand the way people place themselves in regards to other people and how other people see them. like, certain things people take as an affront or like, some kinda disrespectful that make absolutely no sense to me, let alone why they would care lol. like getting upset that someone wasn’t attracted to me or something. I cannot wrap my head around the mindset that people not being interested in you is like, a personal affront. idk. i could go on and on.
@@sonicthehedgegod omg the enthusiasm thing is really hard for me too. Like I don't think I have too much trouble around people I know well (though maybe I "over emote" around them a little lol), but I'm always so self-conscious in job interviews (or any professional setting really) where I have to perform enthusiasm (not just enthusiasm but the "right level" of enthusiasm and in a "professional" way). Like I've been interviewed for projects that sound really cool and like something I'd love to work on, but people see me use the word "interesting" six times and think that I'm not interested at all
I've noticed that even if I feel bad for someone, it can be hard for me to have enough "enthusiasm" with my response to them because I have a hard time with expressing empathy. It can even be hard with my husband, my parents or my grandparents at times. I also don't want to over-act because it feels disingenuous and patronizing and I don't want to hurt their feelings. It doesn't mean I don't feel anything or I can't express any emotions/feelings, it just means I'm not good with expressing my empathy, espcially when I feel uncomfortable or put on the spot. I often worry that I'm selfish and that I don't feel "bad enough" for people though.
I'm currently on a self discovery journey after coming out as trans last year and have the nagging thought that I may be on the spectrum (31, trans man). I follow several autistic creators and find myself relating to a lot of their experiences, and scored 38 out of 50 possible points on the AQ (Autism Quotient) test, placing me in the highest category of people with autistic traits, which solidified my ambition to get formally diagnosed. This video came out right after I took the test so I immediately clicked. It's very comforting to know you're on the spectrum and that you're willing to share your experiences. I hope people in the comments are kind to you, you deserve it. For people interested in more autistic creators, I follow Paige Layle, Jessie Gender, Of Herbs and Altars, Aspergers from the Inside and Neurodivergent Rebel.
Cool! I’m an autistic trans man who was diagnosed as a 2 year old. I personally can’t relate to the people who got their autism diagnosis as teenagers or adults, but it’s interesting to hear their view. I am on a self discovery journey since I am 20 years old now and I didn’t realize that I was trans until I was 19.
Autism quizzes are not always a good indicator of being on the spectrum. Not saying your theory is invalid, but rather I want to warn you that people tend to fall prey to confirmation biases. I had some of my neuro-typical friends take a couple tests and they all came out more Autistic than me. These "tests" are usually very flawed in methodology.
I’d strongly suggest to not follow Paige Layle or Aspergers from the Inside. Paige Layle has a (very recent) history of racism and refuses to address it. Aspergers from the inside routinely spreads misinformation on their channel.
@@Itri_Vega Basically anyone who talks about “high functioning” autism or Asperger’s syndrome! They’re outdated, inaccurate terms that actually stem from nazi eugenics (although most people who use them don’t know). It’s a sign of ignorance, which isn’t great when you’re seeking education on the subject. Best of luck to you!
As a recovering addict, I can relate to the issue of disclosure of what is a fundamental reality in my life, and at what point to do that. Now, I often find myself with a rather organic segue into the topic, when going out on a first date and explaining my reluctance to include an alcoholic drink with dinner, or having a drink at all. I don't, of course, have to bring up the topic, yet I often feel I would be remiss not to mention it.
Neurotypicals*: "I can't see your emotions, so obviously you don't have any!" thereby doing literally what they acuse us of doing - not properly reacting to emotions because we can't correctly identify them just by watching. And it is our responsibility to ask, to engage, to find out what the other person is feeling, and that makes sense. But somehow it is also our responsibility to portray our emotions in a way that NT's can easily understand them, so they don't have to do any emotional work? And we're supposedly the ones without empathy? Come on.. * obviously not all of them, but I think you all know the Archetype I am talking about
I got diagnosed with autism 1-2 months ago and I feel very alone as I was diagnosed at almost 17 and i don’t have anyone irl to talk about autism stuff so I’m excited to watch this video! I’m aro so I can’t really relate to the romantic partner thing but any Rachel video is a good video so I’m really looking forward to listening to this while I’m journaling :)
@@bethanythatsme congrats on the diagnosis and I hope we both find an environment where we feel loved and comfortable enough to talk about our experiences!
TW// trauma, death I don’t remember when I was first diagnosed with autism, it’s just something I’ve always had. My dad was 100% undiagnosed autistic, but, even though autism is usually something you’re born with due to genetics, we never really put much thought into it because… well he was just my dad, and we loved him quirks and all. Then, in 2016, he died very suddenly in a car accident, and to say it was traumatic for my autistic brain is an understatement. I’ve always felt that mentally, I was much younger than I am. I’m 27, but if I had to guess what I feel like my age is mentally, I’d have to same somewhere between 18 and 21 (21 was the age I was when my dad died, so I don’t think that’s a coincidence). This video was actually unbelievably triggering for me to the point that I couldn’t make it through the whole thing. I have never been in a relationship, because I’m terrified that any neurotypical person would never understand me, and I’m also terrified that any neurodivergent person (in this case, autistic) would clash too much with me. I had a very complex relationship with my dad because we were so similar, but refused to admit it (I think deep down, my dad knew he was on the spectrum, and admitting that I was similar to him would mean he would have to face the facts that he was autistic). It’s to the point that I worry that I’m unloveable. On top of that, I’ve also had internal debates with myself about the fact that in the off chance I DO actually find somebody who I truly love and who loves me and we decided to have kids, I would not want them to inherit my autism, because that would mean that they would likely have to experience all the bullying and feeling different/like an outsider that I went through, and I wouldn’t wish that on anybody. It’s really hard sometimes, it really is
One of the reasons that I want to adopt is because I'm scared of "giving" them my autism. I know that I'd feel guilty about their struggles in a way that I wouldn't if I was raising an autistic kid that I'd adopted
I wish (and this isn't just limited to discussions about autism, it applies to discussions of empathy in general) people would go into more detail when they talk about empathy and understand that there is nuance to it. If I see someone crying, even if I've never met them, even if it's on a TV show that I am not invested in or whatever, I will probably start crying. That is a form of empathy (because of mirror neurons!) But that doesn't necessarily mean that I'll understand why they're crying. And if they were to explain what upset them there's a chance I wouldn't be able to understand that either. And that may come across as a lack of empathy, because I'm not seeing from their point of view or whatever, but that doesn't prevent me from having compassion for them just as I would if I did understand.
What many people don't understand is that empathy has two components: there's cognitive empathy, which is basically the ability to read people, and there's affective empathy, which is feeling what you perceive another person is feeling. Autistic people may not be great at understanding social cues, figuring out people's intentions, etc., but that doesn't mean they don't care about others. Two different things.
@@larissabrglum3856 thank you, I couldn't remember the terms I was looking for so I just described them the best I could haha. I think it can go both ways too, like someone else may have a lot of cognitive empathy but no affective empathy, so they understand others' emotions even if they don't *feel* them. And that can be great because they can help others without being overwhelmed.
from what I know, mirror neuron theory has been discredited, at least as far as the idea that it explains empathy on its own. Apparently, especially with autistic people, there is no link between how your mirror neurons work and how good your empathy is. There's even some doubt over whether mirror neurons even exist - some scientists think experimental results that found them were just a statistical anomaly.
I knew an autistic lady with dementia in aged care, she got very uncomfortable with eye contact, but for people with dementia you're told to keep eye contact. She liked me a lot cause how I'd talk to her was standing beside her and leaning in like we were two awkward people at a party sharing a secret. Everyone communicates differently and I love figuring people out like that
I’ve recently been diagnosed with ASD, and it’s such a strange but self affirming experience to listen to other autistic people and relate wholeheartedly to their experience, the whole video I kept pausing it to scream “same!”. I guess I just wanted to say thankyou for sharing your experiences, so that someone like me can relate to them and feel less alone and more understood
My husband is autistic and he is the most tender, Intelligent, compassionate person. He gives me ALL his love and is devoted on a level I didn't think was possible. His love is big ❤️ I have so much to be grateful for and try to live worthy of his love everyday. He teaches me how to love better and he makes marriage easy, fun, and rich with compassion and respect.
If I had a pound for every time I rolled my eyes or let out a large sigh to the content of this book, I’d be very rich. The worst thing is that this was written by a member of our own community. I’m 18 months post-diagnosis. Keep going Rachel, it’s not an easy journey and at points you question everything that has gone before, everything is suddenly seen in a new light and it’s hard to process. As you have no doubt seen, there is a lot of crappy information out there, but the more of us that set the record straight, the better.
As a mom to a kid, who just got diagnosed, this video gave me a lot of insights. Both how to guide my young teen and also how to be a better parent to them. Thank you.
Hearing you talk about your specific struggles reminds me a helluva lot about my teenage years, when I was learning how to adapt and deal with my disabilities Actually, you're probably better off than I was at that time, since you're got life experience that I lacked (again, at that time). Being aware of your specific weaknesses is extremely useful for how you can deal with them and explain to other people--for example, I tend to be sensitive to very odd things, such as balloons (especially the latex sort), rare meat, and milk and cheese So, if I notice such problems arising, I try to be upfront with whomever I may be with at the time--if I'm clearly uncomfortable, I want them to know it's not their fault, it's a weird sensory issue that has nothing to do with them
@@icravedeath.1200 The authors are expressing an opinion, which while counter-productive and poorly considered in many areas, cannot properly be called "misinformation." Censoring it sets an alarming precedent. Moreover, people stand to benefit from evaluating such material, like Rachel here is doing. If this book had been censored, Rachel would never have been able to create this video, and the benefits that have been extracted from this video by the people watching could never have obtained.
@@KingCrocoduck perhaps the NAS could reference this book as an example of misinformation, and could instead help potential readers deconstruct what the misinformation is and how it harms autistic people like myself.
@@icravedeath.1200 They certainly could, and I'd support that, provided that it isn't complemented by the removal of books from shelves. After all, the difference between genuine analysis/criticism and hearsay is the accessibility of primary sources.
OK I'm autistic so either this is gonna be good advice or a nightmare. Judging the facts it's a book on Rachel's channel its gonna be a nightmare and will probably want to wonder why people write this. Btw I meant the book she's reviewing not the actual person rachel. Thought I'd write that part before people get the wrong idea.
I haven’t heard of this book but I love Rachel’s channel and as an Autistic woman, I’m definitely interested in watching this and other (possibly upcoming) videos talking about this questionable book…
@@rachel_sj this is probably our version of the many pick up artustry books written by misogynistic pricks. Domonic noble has a great video on that one
@@bennichol1510 I've been saying for a while now I think most of the PUA scene was narcissists leading autistic men astray. So much of the online manosphere seems tailored to target men with untreated mental health issues. Most healthy dating advice for men is NOT gonna be helpful for autistics, especially men (socially it's still more normalized for them to be the "aggressor", it's always trickier to take the more active role in a social interaction). And most advice for autistics has very "you are unlovable and unworthy of breeding" vibes still. I think the issue is that so many dating/sex norms are really unhealthy, and explicitly explaining things to autistics often draws the hypocrisy/wrongness of it in sharp attention.
I noticed you fiddle with your hands quite a bit. I'm autistic myself and when i fiddle with my hands it can cause me some issues (injuries lol) but one thing that has really helped me is Crazy Aaron's Thinking Putty. They have lots of cool colors and types of putty, they're really awesome.
@@evangelynbeltran202 they have ones that have sparkles that glow but the putty itself doesnt glow so it looks like the most beautiful galaxy. It's called star dust and it's my favorite. They have color shifting ones and mystery bag ones and scented ones, very cool imo. All the ones that glow in the dark come with little uv lights to activate the glow
Me (autistic): "Oh my god I love this TH-camr! They're so relatable and knowledgable on my special interest!" Every TH-camr I like, after a while: "I am getting diagnosed with autism!" "I am autistic!" Me: OH MY GOD THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE Apart from the joke, thank you so much for sharing your story. You inspire me to go to therapy and deal with my own mental health issues. I love your conent and I wish you all the best ❤
This past year after my ADHD diagnosis last year, and seeing how ADHD and autism seem to often go together, i ended up learning a lot about autism that i never knew. And though i don’t have an official autism diagnosis (because i havent persued one) im about 99% sure me and my family are all autistic to varying degrees or just it presents differently in us. Actually, a little before you mentioned your autism in a previous video, i was starting to think you probably were! And i was so happy when you mentioned it because idk, i just love your videos and to know you might be mentioning your autism more, it just made me so happy! I love the way you speak and just the way you give your opinions in both a firm, but respectful way and always very informed! I don’t even care about poetry but i love all of your videos. That being said, i hope you talk more about your autosm, or just in general, because it just really helps to have someone like you talk about it. A channel who isnt just centered around autism (nothing wrong with that). But there is something so genuine about getting to see you talk about autism and knowing that i started watching your videos years ago before you had mentioned it and before i ever knew about myself. Anyways, thanks for being so open! I kinda have that problem as well, always saying so much and going off talking on tangents, but your tangents are lovely rachel 😊
Thank you for the rant in the middle. I'm also autistic and I've been bullied and mistreated by my peers my whole life. I'm conventionally attractive NOW, but at one point, I was a gangly little girl with frizzy hair, pointy ears, and a faint mustache. You absolutely cannot judge anyones past by their current appearance. Heck, you can't even judge someone's present by their appearance! I've been consistently mistreated as an "attractive" adult, too!
Thank you for speaking about your experiences, as a woman with multiple learning disabilities who can also pass for Nurotypical, I really appreciate you being open with us. And Helping other people feel seen ❣️
I was so moved by you talking about your experiences so candidly. You were so open and vulnerable and brave and it was so beautiful. Thank you for sharing that painful part of you life with us. It's heartbreaking that people can be so cruel to each other and I'm so sorry you bore the brunt of that cruelty. Knowing this about you, it makes your kindness, compassion, and empathy even more incredible. (Also, I could tell how difficult it was for you to say you were really intelligent. You are! Own it! Saying something true about yourself doesn't mean it's bragging just because it's something positive. We're so quick to call out our negatives, but have a hard time admitting our strengths. I'm proud of you for being able to admit your strengths.) My son (3) was recently diagnosed with ASD (among other things) and for us, it just puts a name to this thing that makes our son incredible.
Idk if I’m a target demographic of yours, but as an early 20s male your advice is so good. The line that really helped me in this video was relationships being about deciding if the person is good for you. Rather than convincing them to be with you. I just got out of a shitty relationship where the person and I had completely different wants and needs. Ive spent my entire time grieving blaming myself and figuring out what I need to change. In reality, it’s more likely that we just didn’t vibe and I just need to find someone who wants and cares about the sand things as me. Rather than changing myself to fit others, or trying to get them to fit you. Your vids are amazing keep up the great work!
Yeah, I ended up rejecting a few people in college and then realizing: "Most rejection is due to a lack of interest". Its important to know this, but no one ever says it
@@nukiradio Yea rejection isn’t an attack on your character and personality. Just letting the person know those things aren’t appealing to them. And that’s fine cause there are people who will want those things.
My nephew is in the process of being diagnosed. He is 2 but has been very clear to all the doctors that he is in the spectrum. Its been challenging but also an amazing experience to understand him better. Even tho his doctors agree there is people in the family that still correct anyone who says he does. Not because of the diagnoses but because they wish he isn't/think its a bad thing to say he is. Thank you so much for this video!
as an autistic person i think it’s actually made my relationships healthier because it forces both me and my partner to be direct with our communication. i’m largely incapable of using passive aggression, and they can’t use it either because they know i won’t pick up on it. it’s a win-win
Please PLEASE make more videos on autism, both general educational ones and about your experience. I’m in the prosess of figuring out if I’m on the spectrum. Your point of view would be so very valuable as I see myself in you.
As a woman w ADHD (we have a few overlapping characteristics with ASD), this made me so happy and validated to watch????? Like the intro was chefs kiss amazing like I felt so heard when Rachel was mentioning emotional dysregulation (intense emotions) in the context of how that may affect relationships and the relationship w the self. Also the “I’m not a Pokémon!” comment was so good. We are not a rare find, we are just us.
I got diagnosed this year. Honestly, I thought you were already diagnosed, not sure I’ve been watching you for a long time now and I noticed some behaviors similar to me. Such an interesting diagnosis, that we can have the same thing, but different at the same time. I feel much better, finding out what was going out. Hope your journey goes smoothly.
Oh boi, I do so love whenever cranks make people on the spectrum sound like psychopaths Like man, sometimes I wish I could be less sensitive lol But nah, I'm just eccentric and occasionally anxiety-ridden
Like seriously! It's ASD, not ASPD (Antisocial personality disorder, the actual name for "psychopath"). I understand the acronyms are similar, but these are two very different things.
@@peggedyourdad9560 Antisocial Personality Disorder encompasses both what were once called psychopaths and sociopaths. It's important to recognize the difference between the two, along with the fact that not everyone with this disorder fits the stereotype or is a bad person.
@@EclecticallyEccentric I know, I was just mostly voicing my annoyance at people mistaking autism for antisocial personality disorder because those two things are not the same at all.
I am proud of you!! 🥰 I was diagnosed last year. My being autistic (and having adhd) makes my childhood make so much sense! Maybe look into adhd if you haven't already? Autism and adhd go hand-in-hand. I've deal with an incredible amount of anxiety from 32 years of "masking" or "passing". My partner is the first person that I feel comfortable being myself around. (Also, I hope you don't take offense, but I had an inkling you were on the spectrum. I saw way too many of my autistic traits in you. You're terribly endearing.)
This reminds me of _Aspergirls_ by Rudy Simone. The book had SOME good advice but when it came to dating and adult life it really boiled down to "just be NT"
I got diagnosed when i was 13 and always used to try to hide it but now as a 29 year old adult i just don't bother trying to hide it at all anymore cos as i've gotten older i've realised that if people can't accept you for the way you are then they're just a waste of time anyway.
I really appreciate this video as I'm in the process of getting screened for autism myself! I think that there are too few women talking about their experiences as autistics in general and I can't wait if you ever plan to make more discussing topics like these! Love your videos!
The thing about empathy is that autistic people frequently have emotional empathy but it’s cognitive empathy we struggle with. I can feel peoples emotions when they’re displaying them but I have a hard time putting myself in other peoples shoes. I just imagine MYSELF in the situation because I can’t imagine how other people would feel about it.
Excluding the AWFUL content of this book for moment , less then 30 seconds into this vid and we get an adorable resonating kyra grunt directly into the mic, truly lovely :) Now back to the questionable piece of literature
I really appreciate you talking about your experience. I’ve struggled my whole life with the same issue with my teeth. I never smiled until in my 30s when I finally had the resources to get them worked on.
I'm on an autistic discovery journey as well on top of having had multiple physical health issues that affected my appearance through the years. I relate a lot to your story and I thank you for sharing this with us. I'm also grateful for all the neurodivergent AFAB people speaking up and for the movement towards neurodiversity recognition that is happening right now. 🌈💛
When I learned I'm on the spectrum I went through a major period of pain, fear and guilt for wanting kids. The heightened probability of my hypothetical kids struggling as much or more than I have was absolutely heartbreaking (it still is), but you're absolutely right that if we choose to be parents we should accept our child as they are and do everything in our power to give them the best life possible.
As someone without a formal diagnosis, I resonate with so many things you shared in this video. I was actually surprised when you said the part about how the interviewed woman jumped from relationship to relationship and preferred one on one socializing with a partner. I identify so much with this... I myself have jumped from relationship to relationship when I was able to obtain them because I wanted someone to connect and share my life with. I also enjoy intellectual conversations and learning; I gravitate towards having a relationship with someone I can share this with while exploring life and the world. Having not known this about myself and the multitude of other things I've learned and grown through, I originally thought it was a bad thing (like I couldn't be alone). People would label me as clingy, annoying, too much, know-it-all or something other than normal because I like to communicate. I masked at school and was "shy" and "quiet" where I wasn't comfortable being myself because of this. Knowing this now, I realize that I was searching for a companion who is like-minded and enjoys communicating and sharing knowledge as much as I do. It's a shame that I didn't understand what masking was and other things when it came to relationships until now. I've spent the majority of my adult life in the wrong relationships for me because I didn't have this information. I used to do exactly what that book says... I used to shrink myself and put all my energy into pleasing the other person instead of thinking about what I needed to be happy. I have a different set of clothes for every relationship I've ever been in and I still struggle being comfortable with myself, my appearance, and knowing who I am. I feel weird looking in mirrors because who I am feels so different from the face that looks back at me when I do. Then I remember that's how other people see me, and it's disheartening because they don't see the vibrant person that I am inside. So many men that I've dated only see me the way they want me to be; when they can't keep that image of me in their mind as part of their reality, the relationship crumbles. I often feel like I'm a china doll that is supposed to look pretty and keep my mouth shut, but that's not who I want to be.
As an autistic woman, I recommend that if you're having trouble in relationships try dating someone who is either autistic or has autistic friends. It's not a rule - there's plenty of lovely people out there who have no neurodivergent friends - but having someone who is used to our styles of communication and vibrantly loves being around autistic people can help the relationship and also help how comfortable you feel being your autistic self around them
Thank you so, so much for this video. I’ve been slowly discovering I’m autistic over the past 7 years or so, and I love hearing other perspectives. Just as well, seing someone like you with the courage to be vulnerable and open about this is part of what’s now encouraging me to do the same. Visibility is so incredibly important!
Thank you so much for talking about this topic (and book). 💙 I love your videos generally, but this one was especially close to home as an autistic person. I LOVED your rant in the middle - it resonated so hard with my experiences as a non-diagnosed autistic person at school (i.e. sh*t). I was diagnosed as an adult about 5 years ago now & I’ve struggled with a lot of the information for autistic adults being, essentially, all that you describe here - patronising and, sort of, fake-helpful without actually being helpful! Thank you so much for talking about this so clearly. 😊
I'm just at the 10:30 minute mark and had to stop the video to say THANK YOU, Rachel for being so brave and so strong. I completely understand how difficult this must be for you to talk about publicly. Thank you for pushing through your discomfort and persevering I also want to say I really, really appreciate your long introductions. I have noticed that you are a TH-camr who is very deliberate and conscientious about your content. You are very purposeful about what you post. And the longer introductions allow me to better understand this underlying purpose. Which is great!
empathy and sympathy are different and people probably shouldn't talk about them in the same way. if any person, autistic or otherwise, lacks empathy, it does not mean they do not care, do not have sympathy, and cannot be understanding and compassionate. empathy just means actively feeling the same emotions. there's literally nothing wrong with lacking the ability to feel true empathy if you're still a caring and kind person
I think 'having empathy' is something that a great many neurotypical people fail at, and fail at when it comes to understanding someone different from them. The claim that autistic people lack empathy because they *present* differently, express that empathy differently, does not mean it doesn't exist and it's a bit lacking in empathy to keep claiming that's the case.
I agree, I think NT people are generally better at hiding their lack of empathy (when they lack it) as well because they usually have quite a high focus on how other people perceive them/fitting in etc.. the percentage of NT people I've met that are obviously lacking empathy is far greater than the autistic people I've known, so much so that now I'm secretly suspicious of NT people until they prove that they are actually good people 😬
Ironically, the people claiming atypical people shouldn't get any form of special treatment are the ones lacking empathy 😂
As someone who to their knowledge deals mostly with neurotypical people (and who is neurotypical)... I wholeheartedly agree. Lack of empathy is pretty widespread in my experience. Especially empathy towards people who are not Family and Friends. A Lot of people seem to think that just because they empathize with a sibling, that means their empathetic people, but when it comes to people theyre Not Close to.... That quickly goes Out the window. Also, empathy can Take different forms.
I dont really have much emotional empathy (i dont know If thats a Word). I cant feel how other people are feeling, and cant "Walk in their shoes", so to speak.
My Brand of empathy is very... Logic based. I imagine the situation and Go "yh, that must be great" or "yh that must be shitty" or at the very least "i dont know what i would do in this Situation but your obviously upset, and im sorry". But a lot of people dont bother with that, they dont actually think about what another might experience. I May not understand why another Person is Feeling the way they feel, but i can at least try to See where theyre coming from. It's usually Not even that hard.
And unfortunate Side effect of that approach is that i relate a Lot of stuff Back to myself (Just Look at the Paragraph ...). And my way of solving a problem is to throw Logic at it. People who know me know that. If they want Problem solving, they come to me. If they just want someone to hug them and cry with them.... Another friend might be better ...
This is so true. Most neurotypical people seem to lack the empathy to understand why I get overwhelmed by "silly" things like strong perfume and lumpy food and I have been told many times to "just get over it."
If anything, I am too empathetic. As in, I have to be very careful not to be overwhelmed by other people's emotions and other people in general. I used to be bad at dealing with the empathy. For example, I felt a lot of things but I couldn't place them so I got confused and then people might think I cannot put myself in their place. As an adult with much more experience and practice, I think I can put my empathy to good use.
"Autistics are all logically driven"
Me, autistic and emotionally driven: Y'all hear somethin
Same I'm more emotionally driven tbh. Not logically driven as much
Me, an autistic and not driven by either: wut
I have always wondered, are there autistic people that are overly emotionally expressive?
@@Catitalaratoncita me.
@@luludolan7405 Hello lulu :)
Thank you for responding! I have always heard that being less emotionally expressive/driven is often an indication of ASD or other disorders on the autistic spectrum, but never about the opposite. I’m glad to hear there are others that are dealing with this.
Wish you the best darling 🤎
I completely agree with ALL OF THIS. Growing up, I was told, "If you have too many tattoos, you won't be as attractive to men. If you don't shave your body hair, you might have trouble finding a guy who likes that." And I was like ... "but I don't want a relationship with someone who wants me to be different than I currently am!!! I'm happy with myself!" I think it's so weird that people would prefer to change themselves for another person rather than to find the person you already click with
you know youre right. i spent years of my life shaving my body and masking my personality, starving myself because pcos makes weight stick if you eat anything. just to get pawed at by nasty men uninvited and dumped for the next hotter person. i let it all go and now im fat, hairy, tatted, autistic, and stopped pretending not to be nb as well. i also have found that i have my own style and i can be funny and kind. i found someone who is kind to me, my best friend. and most surprising is hes the most attractive person ive ever been with. thats not so important except when you consider by society's standards i should be a spinster locked in an attic somewhere.
✨👏
People think they have a "god given right" to tell you that you could look nice if you made an effort, like it's not an insult, and get really offended if you either feel insulted or don't care what they think.
I've learned in the last couple of years that being aroace has given me a lot of atypical views on how relationships should work.... Why would anyone ever be willing to change something they enjoy for someone else???
Yeah I gave up on shaving my pits and legs and I have yet to find someone who tells me they don’t like it to my face. Depending on where you go, the majority of people are puss1es and won’t say shite unless they are an insecure high schooler.
I think the most damaging misconception people have about autism is that autistic people are inherently less empathetic and less caring. They aren't!! Communication of emotions can be difficult, but that doesn't mean those same emotions aren't there. All it takes is a little bit of effort to make sure you're communicating properly and you're usually fine
I love thia point and completely agree. I think people with autism care too much about people, but because of social anxiety, can sometimes struggle to express it or on the positive side, build incredible connections.
This omfg. I'm an empathetic person but I'm bad at communicating my feelings and asking about others'. A difference in communication of emotions is often seen as having a lack of empathy. :/
@@fiery_scream its important to important to remember that having difficulties in communicating doesn't make you a bad person and empathy is a beautiful gift.
@@benjaminguyer7692 “people with autism care too much”
Dude, honestly, that’s what people don’t get. I can’t watch the news, because seeing people’s suffering when I’m powerless to stop it makes me feel all the emotions, and it’s horrible. Especially when I’m watching it with NT friends/family who seem to be so dispassionate and detached from it all? Seeing people hurt makes me hurt, it’s just that displaying emotion openly also causes me physical pain, so I look like I’m blank when I’m really not.
Luckily my current group of friends and my close family are pretty understanding these days, so when they’re having a meltdown or something, and I just stand nearby patting them on the shoulder and looking wildly uncomfortable, it’s because I desperately want to comfort them but have no idea how to go about it. On the plus side, it means little gestures like resting my head on their shoulder or a hug (or threatening to immolate whatever/whoever’s causing the problem) goes a long way.
It's partly because autism is such a broad category, almost everything outside of a narrow range is thrown in the same bin. There certainly are autistic people who have a hard time understanding that other people feel things, but there are just as many of us whose empathy is so strong as to be debilitating.
"I don't want to be a rare find, I'm not a pokémon" well, I don't want to be a rare find either, but I do want to be a pokémon...
Joke's on Rachel, I'm already LARPing as a Snorlax!
I want to be able to live in a fantasy at times, but I'd rather not be caught in a ball so I guess my catch rate would have to be extremely low...
Guess that wouldn't work well in dating. Attract wouldn't work on me anyway. Bye heteronormative move. LOL
Which one do you want to? I wonder if there's like a personality test so I can narrow down which one to pick via Type.....
@@Roadent1241 I want to be appletun. A dragon that's also an apple pie? Amazing.
@@parrotperson That's one of my friends' faves XD
I find this weird stereotype that autistic people can't possible empthasize to be bizarre. As someone on the spectrum myself, I never really had much difficulty empthasizing with others. One of the areas I've generally struggled in is misreading social situations and not picking up on certain social cues. What others instinctually know, I had to manually learn over a much longer period of time. To a certain degree, you do have to adapt in life, but I would never force myself to change to please others.
It's because NT people refuse to empathize with ND people as a rule. They won't even try to comprehend differences in empathetic expression they way they want to force us to.
Hey, I hope this comment doesn't come across as condescending, I just want to correct what I think is a misunderstanding about what empathy is:
Autistic people do have empathy, but we do still have problems with it and it is inherently defective in ASD by definition.
The way empathy is measured in scientific studies involves the ability to read/ interpret the thoughts, feelings, reactions and intentions of others. It does not involve "feeling" the same thing as the other person necessarily- that is sympathy.
Unfortunately, in pop culture and a lot of non-scientific literature, the definition of empathy combines the above-mentioned definitions of empathy and sympathy into one construct- so a lot of people end up thinking that a lack of sympathy is a lack of empathy. This is why it's often said that serial killers lack empathy when it's actually the lack of sympathy that's most pronounced. I guess this is what most people think when they hear that autistic people lack empathy- they think "cold, calculating" etc...
This means that we do unfortunately have deficits with empathy - we have a hard time reading the feelings and intentions of others by the very definition of autism. But we do tend to develop cognitive empathy which enables us to process the thoughts and feelings of others retroactively or proactively instead of on the fly which can mitigate some of the negative effects of our lack of reactive /"on-the-fly" empathy that neurotypicals have.
I'll briefly add that it seems to be linked to the oxytocin synthesis and serotonergic issues that we have that causes deficits in empathy. As these are at reduced/altered levels in ASD and they are required for empathizing properly and many other social skills.
So when you mentioned not picking up on social cues- that actually is a lack of empathy, but you can definitely sympathize and employ cognitive empathy to retroactively correct a mistake.
I find a lot of autistic people are actually hyper empathetic, we just don’t express our empathy in the right way. When we try to relate to other my sharing our own similar experiences, we are selfish and self centered. But NT do some concerned nod and they are immedietly view as empathetic.
i think there's a lot of misconceptions about how autism manifests and that people think that every autistic person has the same set of autistic traits when that's not really the case at all. for example, i don't necessarily ping as autistic to people when they first meet me because i don't have too many social difficulties and i've learned to navigate the social problems i do have pretty well, but when it comes to emotional and sensory stuff, i struggle a ton. i don't have any lack of empathy, and because i also have adhd i actually kind of have the opposite problem. my point is basically that autism doesn't look the same on everyone and i wish people would realize that.
also i wish people would realize that struggling with empathy doesn't mean struggling to sympathize with people or not being able to experience a full range of emotions yourself.
Autism affects cognitive empathy (the ability to understand others) not affective empathy (aka sympathy / siding with other people).
Vigorously nodding when you said that if someone isn't into how intelligent you are, they're probably not the right person for you
Just across the board, if you have to suppress yourself to keep your lover, they don't love who you really are
@Nadine I think a big part of the issue is that NTs don't explain the how's/why's of why certain behavior is "bad" (or they don't understand how to in a way that it clicks for the ND person). It's like with machine learning where just throwing lots data at it can sometimes end up hurting things, you need to make sure it's valuable data worth being used. ND kids sort of just fill in the blanks with guesses based on experience about why a behavior was wrong, we can even learn to spot the patterns of when we receive negative social responses, but we very often lack adequate insight into *why* the other person is reacting that way, and we often end up filling in the blanks with incredibly wrong guesses.
Like I still remember eating at a friend's house, being asked if I like the food, and then getting in big trouble with my mom when I got home because I said no. If my mom had explained that it takes a lot of time and energy to make food and it can be very hurtful to the cook to say you don't like it, I would have gotten that. I always felt terrible when I'd hurt people's feelings. But instead my mom just vaguely said that you can't say that to people, you have to pretend you like it even if you don't.
The issue wasn't the green beans itself, it was that I came across to my friends mom as ungrateful. If anyone had explained that to me, I would have figured out that instead of insulting the veggies, I could have heaped praise onto the chicken. But nobody explained that the question being asked wasn't actually about the quality of the green beans, so for years I just thought that anytime anyone offered you food under ANY context, you had to pretend to like it.
exavtly!! all of my exes always put me down and tried to make me feel stupid but my boyfriend now looks to me for advice and answers and i love how understanding he is of my autism
Periodttttt
@@mmmk9966, a lot of social rules are terribly vague, and how to get around them can be really difficult without the necessary guidence. I'm neurotypical, and I think a lot of it is just BS.
Remember: when people say horrid things to you or make assumptions about you, it says so much more about _them_ than it ever does about you. Even being technically "correct" does not negate the fact that they're being a malignant shitgoblin.
Completely agree. And great term. Not just a shitgoblin, but a malignant one. It's very fitting.
Great point and a new description for vile people for me to use.
Though make sure you don’t take their worries and concerns or problems as criticism. So if you have subconsciously made their life harder it’s doesn’t make them a life-sucking shitlicker to tell you their point of view, and even if that hurts you feelings it’s still their experience and we need to take it under account
malignant shitgoblin! XD I love it
Telling someone to suppress their true self is terrible advice to give to anyone. And it’s downright dangerous advice for autistics. My current relationship is the only one where I have ever felt safe enough to be unapologetically myself and my fiancé appreciates things about me that others didn’t. I stim openly at home, and I feel free to say “I don’t feel up to doing somethings” , or that I will go to that party, but I want to leave before a certain time, when I’ll reach my limit. There are aspects of me that were always fully masked before this relationship because If they ever peeked out, the other person would tell me to stop being weird/sensitive/ or “that’s not normal”. I was always in relationships that the other person didn’t accept me and I put on my “best nt self”. I can see now how it led to burnouts and very dramatic meltdowns and ultimately the relationships didn’t last.
Trust me that the right person will love you for who you really are…being single is much better than being with someone who doesn’t love you for you.
My mother would often comment growing up that I always seemed to make friends with the "weird" kids
I'm not on the autism spectrum, but I have mosaic Down Syndrome and I accepted the fact that the world isn't exactly made for people like me a long time ago. Not too long ago, I realized that part of my disability is definitely ND. I had two choices to make: I could 1) understand myself and realize my limitations or 2) stay where I am and do nothing about anything. From my personal experience, I have found the more I understand myself and make accommodations, I can be even more successful and be an active member of my community. I really think it's all about perspective and attitude that has made the difference for me. It's unnecessary for me to divulge my disability unless the situation requires it. I'm an open book, but at the end of the day, I don't need to tell everyone and anyone.
Mosaic Down Syndrome? Is that an error or is it what it says? I don’t know much of anything about Down Syndrome so it would be cool if you taught me something
@@frownyclowny6955 i'm not this person and google is free but from what i remember mosaic down syndrome is when not all cells have the extra chromosome, just a fraction of them? hence the name mosaic, bc their body is made up of both types of cells like a mosaic
Actually even for neurotypical people, inteligent women are sometimes intimidating for men. I remember watching a street interview (or something like that, can’t recall the detail) with Japanese women from prestigious school, and almost all of them said that they dumb themselves down in a conversation, because “men will get intimidated”. And they even gave examples, the moment they said what university are they from on a blind date the men lost interest!
This is a phenomen that applies to men with massively fragile masculinity - they are so insecure in themselves, that they won’t date anybody more intelligent than they are, because they can’t seem dumb. It also applies to women who make more money than them. But it’s a useful thing, because ut shows quickly and allows us to move on next people.
That's sad :'(
The issue with intelligence in Autism I think is overrated or misunderstood. Raw intelligence us very difficult to quantify and apply in real life anyway. Any Psychologist will tell you that that is a major issue with IQ tests. IQ tests don't take into account how the real world works...
What Autistic people TEND to do is look it up or are inquisitive. I'm not talking about the severe versions. The outwardly less obvious versions. Also In general people with Autism will know a lot about a certain set of subjects. Because of that they will drop odd bits of very advanced knowledge giving the suggestion they are great in that subject.
I think they could have made that advice about „not going on endlessly about your interests“ more productive by changing it to „Make sure there is a good balance in your conversation. Both parties should talk and listen about the same amount“. That‘s a good quality to have in general and many neurotypical people are bad at it as well.
Yessss! Great distinction :)
"Be yourself but not like that!" Just about everyone who tries to help autistic people without understanding them echos this. The 2 biggest examples i have seen is Sia's movie "Music", and the charity Autism Speaks.
Only check both of those out if you've had too much dopamine recently or something
Autism Speaks speaks only for Autism Speaks. They're barely just a few rungs above a hate group imo. They've compared autism to cancer, advocated for murdering autistic kids, financially supported a psych institution that literally tortured and killed autistic kids, and in general have spread a lot of inaccurate information about autism. I used to be quite active in autism advocacy in several states. I was asked once on a panel: "What's the #1 thing holding back the autistic community?" My answer: "Autism Speaks."
Be yourself but not like that - story of my life, unfortunately
The autism mummies that speak as though they have an Encylopedia as to how autism works and appears from their 5-year-old son
I feel like the in and of itself is ableist, like it already assumes all autistic people are non-verbal or unable to communicate for themselves in any way. This is just my impression anyway.
I hate Auti$m $peak$.
Growing up I always remember being told I was “too much” and I needed to “tone it down”. I was shooshed and told I made it hard for everyone around me. When I was diagnosed with ASD and ADHD I was told, “Oh you were supposed to grow out of that. It makes sense you were such a weird kid.” Gutted…
Man, I was diagnosed as a kid, and had several teachers and school administrators basically weaponize my diagnosis against me, blaming all the bullying on me having "misunderstood social cues" rather than my classmates being little assholes. NT people can be so awful sometimes.
@@jessicaharrison4719 I wasn't diagnosed as a kid, but tried very hard to fit in with others. Usually this involved my talking about whatever was of interest to me at the time. In hindsight I meant it as an olive branch to try to form friendships, "I like x, you seem nice, I'm going to talk about x with you because I want to share what I like." This backfired and was seen as my intentionally acting as different as possible and, if I just tried fitting in more, I wouldn't be bullied.
My daughter was diagnosed with Autism this past summer. Its ok, we were expecting it. She just turned 7 so not yet old enough for this book and now I know to ensure she never reads this. 😂 Thanks my dear!! You're always so sweet and genuine and funny when you do reactions to things like this. Love your book reviews!! Keep them coming!! ❤
Awesome! Continue being a good Mom!
@@shadow_shine3578 Thank you ❤
@@QueenOfKarma yeah as someone with aspie it makes me happy know other autistics and aspies are in good hands.
Unrelated, but it makes me so happy that y’all managed to get her diagnosed so young! Usually it’s difficult for it to be recognized, especially in young girls. It’s good to know your child has such a supportive mother :-)
Hearing about a book about dating advocate for eugenics was definitely not something I planned on today
This is kind of off-topic, but do you think advising Huntington's patients to not have children is eugenics?
I'm kinda torn on it, because it goes in that direction but I think if you have that disease, having kids is really immoral.
@@Nerobyrne Autism isn't a degenerative disease, though. You can't compare it to autism
@@missmarsh1011 I specifically didn't, I said it was off-topic and didn't mention autism.
I don't even know if autism can be genetically transfered. But yeah, the two aren't related. Also, it's not something that is going to seriously disable you, the vast majority of the time. In fact, it can be beneficial if you can manage the downsides properly.
@@Nerobyrne Thank you for clarifying. FWIW, autism does appear to have a strong genetic component, even if genetics are not the sole cause. Also, there's a lot of variation in how it presents, from "comes across as a quirky genius" to "intellectually-disabled, cannot live independently." There can be advantages to being autistic, don't get me wrong, but it is still a disability that is not always well accommodated by society. Unfortunately, researchers have been more focused on the causes of autism and how it might be "cured" - something most autistic people do not want, even a lot of the very disabled ones - than on how to support autistic people and help them live their best lives. That's why I'm extra-cautious when anybody seems to be making eugenic arguments against autistic people!
@@Nerobyrne I know you didn't ask me but I'm gonna throw in my two cents anyway - I don't think people with Huntington's or other diseases should be told not to have children, though they should be informed of the chances of their children developing it. Just because a parent has a disease doesn't guarantee that they'll pass it on to their children, although it is a risk. It is up to the individual to weigh that risk and decide for themselves if the risk if worth it. I do think advising them not to have children would qualify as eugenics.
Tbh in a way some of this advice is given generally to unusual women and men: "want people to like you? Have you tried not being you?"
As an adult autistic woman who's also been through a lot, I would just like to say that this video is wonderful. You are an inspiration to me ☀🌻
@One Guy Named Ivan yea, the idea autistic people don't experience empathy is weird, it's just so obviously false for those on the spectrum.
I just want to say that I love love love that you’re talking more about autism! I’ve suspected/known i was autistic since I was 16-17, just got my diagnosis earlier this year at age 25, and i’ve been watching your videos for a few years now. I’ve always related to you so hard and knowing we have this in common makes it make more sense 😂 I love your views on all of this - “autism isn’t just a bad thing, it’s actually a really cool thing about me!” Something I need to remember more often girl thank you 🧡
Also edit - a great book about autism is “Women from another planet?” which is written by many autistic women in short stories, essays, emails etc, and it’s honestly one of the best things i’ve ever read, if you want to read an actually good, non-offensive book lol
Thank you so much! And thank you for the book recommendation, I’ll definitely check it out!
I'm not even 2 minutes in and already had to stop and comment to only say:
I don't understand the "no empathy" stigma against autistics at all.
I'm autistic and have always been hyper-empathetic, and was really sensitive to all sorts of sad or upsetting things.
Even as an adult, even if I don't cry as easily now, I'm still hyper-empathetic. It's such an awful awful stigma.
me too. ive always been way too empathetic to the point where it harms my psyche to even be reminded that people in pain exist because it just makes me feel horrible because i cant really do anything about it and i just beat myself over complete strangers ive never meet nor will ever meet. and then some douche comes along and is like "oh youll never understand other peoples pain" 😐
as someone who's dating someone who is on the spectrum, and sometimes struggles with communication, it would be amazing to have a video that actually goes over ways to communicate, or some resources that could help! I love this video
@I'm So Tired honestly, I feel like a lot of what you're saying is what we're doing already. It's just very scary to me to think that I may be misinterpreting things he says or that he would ever feel unable to get his feelings across. Hearing other people's stories helps a lot with understanding his situation as well. We've been together for almost 3 years, so we're doing things right supposedly. But thank you, your advice has been noted!
@@specialsnail4183 hey I think it's awesome that you want to understand your partner's autism 💜 if you're worried about misinterpreting something he says,maybe try asking him for clarification or repeat it back and ask if that's what he meant.
I'm autistic and have had quite a few issues with NT people misinterpreting what I say because I'm very literal about what I say and sometimes people look for a hidden meaning under my statement that I didn't intend but (I think) most NT people expect. Eg: i told someone that her new hair colour was fun+interesting and she thought I was making fun of her 😬
@@specialsnail4183 one thing to keep in mind is the trauma of being othered frequently in social situations, even by family and friends sometimes. and frequently misunderstood. it helps in a calm moment to say "when i feel this im going to try to talk about it using these words so you know im not rejecting you/you arent bad." another thing thats helped is a signal. if i start edging toward a meltdown i tell my spouse im in the bad place. i have a walk in closet i go to when i feel the bad place coming. try lowering light levels or sound levels, making sure he is wearing favorite clothes and sitting in a favorite place when having serious talks. i always feel safer/more in control in my spot. and dont blame yourself when healthy patterns dont work because some days are just bad days. people are confusing and mean and clothes have itchy spots and sometimes you have to touch cotton balls or dust or dont get to finish a task you were intent upon and it just puts you in a mental hellhole.
Me too, I'm excited for Rachel to find a good advice book and share it with us.
Not being able to accept that someone is Autistic stems purely from immaturity, in my opinion. When I was 18-21 I definitely was uneducated and inexperienced with most relationships, but that just meant that I didn't know how to handle most issues, be empathetic/sympathetic to a lot of situations, and communicate effectively. That never changed me liking someone for who they were. And if you like someone for who they are, that means you like WHATEVER EXPERIENCES THEY'VE HAD that made them into that person, including how their mind works that leads to attractive behaviors. Learning that they have some sort of mental issue doesn't change any of that, it just provides a label and explanation for it. If there are certain issues you can't deal with, you'd have not been able to deal with it whether or not you knew that person was Autistic...it's just crazy the mental gymnastics people will go through when it's really very simple.
Of course, I suspect that I might have Autism myself, but I didn't suspect that whatsoever in my younger years. As I got older and had more experiences with friendships and romantic relationships my viewpoints changed. After all, I'd never be able to date someone who killed animals no matter what mental issue they had. Fundamental beliefs and actions are key factors in attraction and the label shouldn't be important.
Just out of curiosity, what if the person only took an animal life to eat? Also like, used all of the creature and treated it with respect in life and death?
No shade either way, it just peaked my interest. ^-^
@@Mylittlestcorner If they enjoy hunting, that would probably just mean that we're not compatible as partners, but that's different than what I was meaning. Was talking about people that murder animals because of an urge to do so, or just out of a cruelty mindset. I grew up in the country so someone knowing how to hunt could be useful in situations and that wouldn't inherently make me want to break up with them since it's a common thing to know how to do. :)
Thank you. Thank you so much.
I'm an autistic woman in her 40s who's diagnosis alone was s tremendous struggle. I'm comfortable with eye contact and because of this, many clinicians refused to consider that I'm on the spectrum.
Also, thank you to the viewers of this video who are being so open about thier experiences in the comments. It helps more than you know ❤
A lot of girls and women are diagnosed later in life, because they usually present a little different than boys and men. This discrimination of women in the health system is to say the least a problem, and at worst it can be life-threatening.
“Sensory issues with food and sound” - this just jumped out at me from the intro. All my life I struggled with explaining why I couldn’t stand to have the tags in shirts, why I was unable to swallow any foods with too strong a flavor (even if I liked it) and/or the “wrong” textures, why I get overwhelmed when too many people are talking and cannot even follow what a person is saying if a television happens to be playing too. It was a profound relief to just be able to say “it’s a neurological thing” (while also worrying about “do they think I’m lying since I was good at school and never diagnosed with anything before?”, but that’s still at least a bit less stressful to me than worrying “am I really just being difficult, could I be more normal if I’d just try harder?”)
This! I do not have an autism diagnosis, but I did get an evaluation that came out to be generalized anxiety. But the generalized anxiety was very much a ??? thing bc they got stumped
@@Spartacus005 have you heard of ARFID?
@@meredithnavin1358 I have not!
Yeah the thing with the tags, is something I have gotten rashes from. It’s something I inherited from my dad; who got it from his grandmother.
My boyfriend has never been diagnosed and doesn’t feel like he has any reason to get a diagnosis at this point since he’s doing fine without accommodations and it’s hard for an adult to be diagnosed, ESPECIALLY when they’re able to manage life like any other adult, but even more severely disabled autistic people have this issue (whereas I was diagnosed as a child) but we’re both pretty certain we’re both autistic and I hate to say it but it’s been a lifesaver. Things go so much more smoothly because we think and communicate in very similar ways. And I can’t help but wonder if that’s how neurotypical people feel. Getting to just - TALK and enjoy yourself without having to constantly think about it and plan everything out in your head before you say it and constantly focus on what my face and body is doing
Thanks for sharing this. As someone who is neurotypical, but has always had friends with autism, I really want to better understand those friends and be a better friend.
I am so happy for you feeling validated and loved, that's how it is supposed to feel like. I am NT and I've dated ND people in the past, I felt insecure and that I wasn't good enough, felt like walking on egg shells all the time. The key is communication honestly, I feel like I have a better understanding now and in retrospect I've made a bunch of mistakes in my past relationships with ND people due to lack of communication.
@@willowtdog6449 this, after taking care of my ND mum, I feel like I am finally learning to be empathic with other ND people instead of frustrated. If it weren't because my mum was diagnosed and I made research, I would have never known.
@@mariammosashvili4150 you’re definitely right. I don’t mean to sound like mixed neutotype relationships can’t work, I just have to put up a front and mask a lot in day to day life it’s just a bonus having a level of understanding automatically and not having to do that around him, but the extra effort to connect with someone with a different neurotype can be such a beautiful and interesting experience too. There are lots of wonderful people in the world of all different types
Not dating anyone right now, but I will say that I have deep and meaningful friendships for the first time in my life because I found a small pocket of people on the spectrum, and we just GET each other in a way that nobody else has over the years. At this point, I don't think I could date anyone who was neurological, just because that adds a layer of emotional labor that I now know is unnecessary.
That long rant about your personal experience and journey with clothes and physical appearance... Oh boy, do I feel you. I am also a late diagnosed autistic woman about your age. Most of my life I have toned down my clothing and avoided the clothes I actually wanted to wear. A short while before I started my diagnostic process I gained the confidence to dress the way I wanted, which is bright and bold and fantastical. I have been developing my style over the past few years. Especially during Lockdown. And I am now at a point where I am never going back, not for anyone. I find that dressing extravagantly makes life so much easier. In a way it's a statement to anyone, to better not expect me to be and act "normal", for another it pushes the things in my physical appearance, that make me insecure into the background. And most noticably, I find that it helps a lot when it comes to social situations, because it attracts people that I am more likely to be compatible with and discourages people who can't or won't be open minded enough to accept my quirks. I'm not sure that applies to dating aswell since I am aro, but I can't imagen why anyone would want to waste their time getting to know someone who might turn out to be incompatible, if you have such an easy way to filter out the worst candidates right from the get go.
Seems to me like the authors of that book are mostly parroting what they have been told, without actually understanding the topic themselfs.
No joke I’m legit afraid to date neurotypical people. It’s not that I think they’re all bad, I just know that with two people with entirely different neurotypes there’s going to be a bigger barrier as far as communication and understanding how the other one processes their emotions.
We basically speak different languages, and they're so impatient on realising that and trying to switch, only to wonder why they get mad because they can't understand us.
And then the ever decreasing circles begin.
I really wish there was a dating app for this
Neorutypical here, my mum and my bro are both neurodivergent. Having that experience helped me a lot to gain empathy. On the topic of dating, don't be afraid, be upfront, if the other person doesn't try to understand you at all, just move on. Dating should feel good, if you feel invalidated, just leave. Also, it takes time to understand one another (took me years to finally understand my mum) and if they take the time to know you and want to know you, they wouldn't mind at all you being upfront and honest.
I'm dating an NT and I totally understand your concern. It's not for everybody and it's definitely extra work
I’m autistic and my boyfriend (of several years now) is NT. He's absolutely wonderful and understanding and we really work well together, and I think I would also struggle to date someone who is autistic in the sense that we compliment each other well. When I’m having sensory issues or anxiety over something or a meltdown, he can help me and when he’s having problems I can often give him help from an angle he hadn’t considered or been able to access. Good and understanding NT people do exist, and I hope you end up happy with whomever you find! :)
It’s honestly really refreshing to hear your experiences with being a late-diagnosed autistic. I’m also a late-diagnosed autistic, and I can relate to/have experienced almost all of the things you mentioned, especially about looking back at interactions. It’s so validating to hear this kind of stuff because of how often people seem to regard it as odd or anomaly. Thank you so much for talking about your experiences; I know it can be scary. If you decide to talk more about your experience with being autistic and/or being diagnosed later in life, just know that us fellow autistics will be here to support you :0)
I was diagnosed with autism aged 10, and 8 years later I'm getting diagnosed with ADHD.
I am in a long-term relationship that has never suffered because of my neurodivergence. We communicate, we take things slow, and we ignore everyone else.
Of course it does help that she's a weirdo too!
I've had an autism diagnosis since I was 15 (give or take a year) but recently a lot of creators I watch on youtube have been discussing their recent adhd diagnoses and I can help but think I might also have adhd. I definitely am autistic though.
I was also that weird unfashionable kid. It took me all through college and my early adulthood to come into my own. I was lucky not to get bullied to my face, what people said behind my back I have no idea. But, it did mean that I was never asked out in school. I was so surprised in college when I started getting compliments on my style. I was still wearing the outdated hand-me-down clothes but I'd learned how to wear them in a unique way. So, hearing this book tell anyone to tone it down is awful. No one should tone down anything about themselves to suit other people. It takes so much for us to learn how to cultivate ourselves, no one should ever insist we throw that work away to be with another person. A person who in the end likes the dulled-down version of us, not our real selves.
if "unfashionable" people toned it down there would be no couture. no message and story behind fashion. there would be an endless sea of abercrombies and jc penny. D:
I was always more on the opposite side of things where I would always dress practically rather than fashionably. It really came into play my senior year of high school when I was doing hospital rotations for health sciences and had to wear scrubs 3 days out of the week. Since I usually would just wear jeans and the first shirt I grabbed from my closet with laundry on the weekends making people think that I only had 5 pieces of clothes
This video really gives me a lot to think about. I was diagnosed with what was then called "Aspergers syndrome" when I was five and I'm twenty now. All my life I've been very thankful that my mother saw the things that I did, thought and wanted differently than most other people and took me to see a specialist who could diagnose me. And don't get me wrong, I really like myself and I'm not at all ashamed of being autistic, but I feel that the negative stereotypes surrounding autism, the ones we're trying to phase out now, has made me sort of "self-censor" in ways that has made my life harder than it would have been if I'd have been born today and certain people around me would have had more modern and progressive lenses through which to view me. I remember feeling really talked down to by certain adults I had contact with while being in a programme learning about my diagnosis when I was about six or seven for instance. I would ask simple, basic questions like "What time is snack time because I'm getting quite hungry" and I'd get these incredibly patronizing answers about how important it was to stick to the schedule and that I shouldn't worry about it all spoken in some stupid baby voice. I hated it. I felt like an idiot in that place. I was bullied for my special interests and mannerisms during several of my school years as well, and these things lead me to thinking that I'd always get treated like some annoying moron if I didn't change myself, so I did.
I spent the near-entirety of my teenage years really trying to downplay my autistic tendencies when in the company of people, even my best friends and partners. I was open about having it and I couldn't hide that certain things like loud noises, bright lights, certain foods etc. were incredibly difficult for me, but other than that I tried to be as "normal" and "extroverted" as I could muster, even though it wasn't uncommon for me to get enormous bouts of anxiety and near panic attacks after certain kinds of social interactions like parties, I still just dug my heels in and kept doing it. I think I've suffered from a lot of internalised ableism. Wanting people to view me as funny, or smart, or hot, or cool instead of like one of those "autists" that people would make cruel jokes about. I recently saw a psychologist for an initially unrelated issue but I realized there that a lot of my stresses, my anxieties, my worries, and my more serious mental problems largely stem from constantly being aware and nervously on guard about what people are going to think about me. I've really tried to work on this recently, and I'm trying to me more true to myself now. But the problem is that I've been doing this "being normal" thing for so long that I barely know how much of it is acting and how much of it is really me nowadays. I guess that's just going to be life going forwards. I really want to be me for my sakes, not just whilst in my own company, but around everyone else too. I want to feel free, because I've never really felt that way. Here's hoping it goes well, and that I'll respect and love myself more in the future than I have in the past.
You're not alone... I'm basically in the same situation as you. I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome at the age of 4-5, was isolated and bullied by my peers in elementary school due to my interests and mannerisms, spent my teens forcing myself to appear as neurotypical as possible, and now at the age of 22 I'm suffering the consequences and planning on going to therapy. The whole losing your sense of self after pretending to be "normal" for so long is exactly what I've been dealing with as well.
After working so hard and pushing myself past my breaking point for years, I realized that I will never achieve that "normal" and no amount of effort or hard work will change that fact. I've been accommodating neurotypical people by putting myself through pain this entire time and for years I never even noticed it. I spent all of my time on improving how I appear on the outside and zero time improving myself on the inside. I basically have no healthy coping mechanisms and all of the anxiety and stress I deal with on a daily basis is still there. The problem is that appearing "normal" is what neurotypical people view as an improvement on our autism. The things I struggle with are on the inside and yet people judge how well I am based on my outer appearance and mannerisms. I hope this outdated idea is put to rest and people begin focusing on improving the mental health of autists instead of focusing on how they present themselves.
I mean, a lot of the thought on how to teach autistic people back then was basically that - teach them to be indistinguishable from their peers, then they will automatically have a better quality of life. That approach failed most autistic people miserably - that's the consequence of a patronising attitude that NT people know better than autistic people what's best for them.
Your point about hating eye contact is something I relate to honestly, it feels very intimate to me and that makes me uncomfortable. I would much rather be allowed to walk around or fidget and wander around or look around a room while I talk. The first time my therapist told me she didn't mind if I didn't look at her while I talked and said "I know you're paying attention, you don't have to look at me", it was such a huge relief bc teachers got on me about that. Also about handshakes. I hate handshakes. The devil's greeting, truly
Edit: listen, if a date has a problem with how I dress, they can take it up with someone else lmao, I'm not changing for anyone
Eye contact stresses me out so much. My first therapist (right after my diagnosis) used to comment on how good I was at making eye contact. Which, like when someone points out your breathing, meant I ended up manually paying attention to where my eyes were during every session (I had 4 things I used to look at in a specific order and I'd count in my head how long to look at each thing before shifting my gaze)
I also feel like when I'm making extended eye contact with someone, part of my brain hyperfocuses on their facial expressions and my own which means I'm distracted from the conversation. I want to be able to have a conversation with someone while I stare into space a little to their right, is that too much to ask?
When i talk to people, i always look at their shoulders, arms, hands, or feet
Im technically looking at them, just never their face
I find Rachel fascinating because she's smart and creative and a little bit silly sometimes and she has the world's most wonderful dog.
We love you Rachel, this is a great video on an important video to talk about 🌼
I used to have a partner who was an aspie, and she was wonderful! It is disheartening to see these kinds of books. When she broke it off with me saying she was aromantic, I wasn't mad. Because she was figuring out who she was, she could finally be herself. So to anyone who's reading this, I want you to know that you too are an amazing person, be yourself and find someone who will love you for you. Have a wonderful day.
I'll just let something off my chest on the internet: you talking about your teeth reminded me SO much of my mum. She's just like how you described, with the added caveat of being terrified of dentists (rightfully so, when she was growing up any butcher could call themselves a dentist).
We've been trying to save up for her dental work - she's literally been denied jobs because of how her teeth look -, but it's one of those situations where whenever we're getting very close, something else happens that requires more immediate attention and money - more serious health issues, for example. Just felt like venting a bit.
I haven't been diagnosed with anything, but I know that I'm not neurotypical; I've known it my whole life. My whole life has felt like everyone is in on an inside joke and you can't tell if it's about you or if it's just something you don't get. I've dealt with earnestly pursuing friends and constantly having them distance themselves or tell me they like me just not right now, and it's made relationships really hard. Now that I'm with my partner I've found myself waiting for him to tell me that he doesn't actually like me and it's really hard carrying that weight around and not knowing how to talk to him about it, because I'm scared of it hurting or offending him somehow. It's too bad the book isn't just a good guide.
Maybe you could explain it like you did here:) Tell him that it‘s your past experiences that make you have this fear and not something he‘s doing that makes you suspect that.
@@Froggele oh, that's pretty good advice. Thank you
@@humanbean852 💜 Hope it works out well for you!
@@Froggele Thank you! I think it will. It always ends up being easier to talk to him then I think.
@@idoitonastick8689 Oh that's a cool idea. Usually if I put a lot of disclaimers in front of what I'm about to say, that ends up working for me. It's kind of a weird system but I'll say 'This might sound bad but I don't mean it how you think I mean it.' Then he'll rephrase what he thinks I said and I can clarify.
As someone married to a man with autism, I appreciate this so much ❤️
Also, I don’t think you’re weird. I think you’re interesting and genuine.
EDIT: Keep those intros as long as you want. That is how my husband also speaks. It’s an ASD thing. People can just get over it.
It always annoys me when ppl talk about how autism/other neurodivergencies automatically means you’ll have have poor communication skills when I’ve never had a problem communicating with other NDs. The only times I really notice “social difficulties” in myself is when trying to communicate over that neurotype difference.
I’ve never minded “long” intros, Rachel. Especially with content that may be sensitive or difficult to discuss, I think it’s good to have a preface to the video.
Oh man. Oh dog. The immediate "yeah it totally makes sense" thought that I had when Rachel mentioned being autistic :D
For me personally, masking is the biggest problem in dating; it's like I'm my own worst enemy. I create this wonderful persona that I can sustain for a date or two, and people get a completely wrong idea of who I actually am. I honestly don't know how to un-mask at this point. It's like I'm terrible at communication with both neurotypicals (because I pretend to be someone I'm not) and neurodivergent people (because I'm doing my best to pretend I'm not like them) and it's just lonely and silly.
P.S. Any further content on ASD would be very very much appreciated!
I got diagnosed last year. Mine is specifically comorbid with my epilepsy. Yes, it means my social skills aren’t great, yes it means I overstim more than the average person, so what? You can live with it, thrive with it. I’m lucky that my boyfriend has disabilities of his own. I inform him on mine and me on his. We have since we were kids. I get I’m blessed, lucky. No one is the same when it comes to autism. Great video, lovely. Well done.
Telling someone they're "weird" is such a non-description, you can be kicking puppies in the street weird or you can be weaving daffodils in your hair weird, and those are not even remotely similar. :) But then again, there's a lot of weird people out there that are interesting and fascinating and worth knowing.
I have a lot of autistic friends and am rather neurodivergent myself so I'm thankful to hear your perspective. I feel like I haven't seen a lot of neurodivergent folks talk about their experiences openly, which is definitely a shame, especially when navigating a world that doesn't really want to accommodate us. It is understandable of course with all of the stigma out there but it's still good to see.
thanks for being so vulnerable with us. im not autistic, but adhd, and ive always been the ugly weird girl since i can remember. people never talk about what it feels like or how we feel about what people say
Something that annoys me so much is when people equate having a lack of empathy as not being very human.
Which is very frustrating as empathetic people can be quite cruel and selfish themselves. You are not your emotions or thoughts, you are your actions and words.
Sincerely, from someone who feels quite a lot.
I learnt so much just from the introduction alone, e.g I had previously thought Autism worked on a linear scale, so thank you! The fact you were brave enough to do this is admirable and will help educate so many!!
It’s definitely more timey wimey and complex than it is linear. I guess I disagree somewhat with Rachel about there not being different levels of severity though. Maybe that’s not the most accurate term, I think some autistic people are more highly disabled, or have more difficulty with more things on that circle than others. My brother is “low functioning” which I agree is not a good term, for him intellectual disability is a part of his autism. I don’t know if that’s the best term either, I’ve seen some argue against it, but I don’t know how else to describe that aspect of how his autism presents other than that he is much more similar to Rainman than, well, any autistic person I’ve ever seen on TH-cam. And sometimes I worry that without some distinguishing terminology autistic people like him get unintentionally erased, or treated like they are a myth, and they typically aren’t as able to advocate for themselves. I’m not saying it’s a “worse amount” of autism, just acknowledging there’s different amounts of accommodations needed for different autistic people, and that is going to affect their experiences of the world differently. However I’m not autistic, (or neurotypical, I have adhd) so I’m always coming from an outside perspective on it so please don’t take my word as a given either.
@@caitlinhogan5258 Well actually, autistic people with ID are both autistic and ID, the ID is not "part of the autism" - they are co-occurring disabilities.
Book aside, I'm very scary of dating... I developed BPD, too, from being autistic in a confusing nt world. When I'm in a relationship, I'm a mess (like Trisha level hot mess). Plus my boyfriend that I started dating before my diagnosis is now dead, so I'm thinking about just being alone forever.
I relate to this a LOT
My heart aches because you've described so much of what I feel and I hate knowing that your life has been comparably confusing. Sending love from Oregon
I can’t believe people still think us autties lack empathy. We have said over and over again we don’t, we just don’t always show it the same way neurotypicals do. What’s so hard about that to grasp??? People will learn about autism from anyone BUT someone with autism.
The fact that they claim we lack empathy because we show it differently-and *refuse* to learn that that’s not the case-shows that if anyone has a lack of empathy, it’s them.
It’s also so ridiculous that people (even doctors?!?) base “how autistic” you are off of how much you inconvenience other people. It’s MY disorder?!? Shouldn’t it be based off of ME?!? Why is it that, when discussing autism, doctors conveniently forget that YOU are their patient and not the rest of the damn world?
I finally, after being certain that I’m autistic for 3-4 years, tried to get a diagnosis and my mom was just as condescending and dismissive as I thought she’d be. And surprise surprise, her main argument was “you do fine in school.”
Meaning I get decent grades. No regard for my personal experiences or feelings, thanks mom, good to know my ability to dedicate an unhealthy amount of energy and stress to a flawed “education” system is all that matters to you 👍
i mean, i have low empathy and I'm autistic. the "autistics lack empathy" thing is false because many don't lack it (and infact there's a large amount that have hyperempathy), but like .... its ok to lack empathy, too. it's just a thing your brain does, and for some people, their brain doesn't do it, or doesn't do it a lot, or only to animals or fictional characters, etc.
I was misdiagnosed with an ASD for a couple of years, and it was....a challenge. A lot of personel in the health system either talked to me like I was 10 years old, or they practically ignored me and just talked to my parents (who usually show up, when I'm in a hospital bed). I've been a little....impolite to some of them and said things like: "Since I'm in the room, I'm awake, an adult and not mentally retarded, could you speak to me?".
In the end I was re-diagnosed by a competent doctor as being nerdy, liking black clothes and metal, and having a chronic depression.
The disrespect a lot of you have to live with (like this book) is demeaning. There's a couple of people in my group of friends, who are Aspies (their prefered word for it...I think they like it because it's so informal), and usually we joke about them having a different operating system installed. There's nothing wrong with it, and it works perfectly. It just works a little different, and once you learn to communicate with it, most problems are easily solved.
I think in a lot of ways society has very little patience with people, who has non-typical needs, and it's really sad, because the non-typical of us have so much to give.
Yes, that's exactly how a lot of us with ASD are treated in society, imagine how it feels being treated that way all of your life.
As someone who is on the spectrum (not diagnosed) with an autistic son (diagnosed) who is on the cusp of adolescence, I'm very grateful you've touched on this subject with your usual care, sensitivity and intelligence.
Love and thanks to you and the furry princess.
Something tells me that the author hasn't interacted with many people on the spectrum in their life.
Everything tells me that
@@evangelynbeltran202 Rachel says that both authors are on the spectrum when she introduces the book. Which makes it even worse
I was potentially a few days away from getting this book, but I've run into constant issues with books about living while autistic being incredibly patronizing and belittling - I was bracing myself for it because at this point I expect to be infantilized for my condition but really wanted some better first hand experience type books relating to relationships between people on the spectrum. Thankfully I'll be avoiding this trainwreck, it sounds gross
i’ve found that when neurotypicals refer to “empathy” they’re actually referring to PERFORMED empathy. it has nothing to do with how much you actually care about someone, how capable if cognitively or emotionally putting yourself in their shoes, but rather how you perform the right emotions in response to their own.
like, on the whole i think empathy is a wildly overrated concept and i think people need to reevaluate the role it plays in their lives, (empathy is a tool, not a moral prerequisite. but it is an incredibly useful tool no matter how cynical you might see yourself as) but so many times neurotypicals only express certain emotions to like, goad the right response out of you? and i don’t mean merely seeking support, which is fine even if a lot of NTs have a misguided approach when it comes to what kind of support autistic people can offer, but there are definitely spaces ive been in and people i’ve known where they set these things up where they “test” you so-to-speak and expect you to PERFORM the emotion the “right” way, in a way that’s profoundly exhausting for autistic people like me and takes a heavy toll, and then punish you for failing.
like, i don’t wanna sound too cynical and need to clarify that this is absolutely a minority of people, and these people are toxic to the NT people in their lives too, but our cultural understanding of empathy and the role it plays in the human experience absolutely enables it severely.
(and by “spaces” i mean a lot of activist spaces especially tbh, even disability activism. not that evangelical christians or right wingers are any better lol, but it is a problem that even spaces allegedly made for people like me tend to feel actively hostile to people like me)
Omg yes. The performative aspect. I have literally been called cold for Not hugging someone at the right Moment.
I hate hugging, it makes me feel weird and i cant read when someone wants a hug and when they dont. My family isnt physical at all, we dont hug or cuddle, so how was i supposed to learn it.
I am Not diagnosed with anything, btw, so chances are im an introverted NT person with a slightly different socialisation. But ive been called cold and uncaring for not performing empathy in the correct manner. It's annoying af and the best you can do is learn to ignore it (especially with people you dont know because its a waste of time to try and Change their pov) or try to explain your way of relating (probably worth a Shot with family and friends).
@@annabeinglazy5580 for real. i have an extremely difficult time performing enthusiasm for one thing, like it’s just not something i feel often and when i do it’s not something i’m all that expressive about. my mom used to get really upset with me if she got me something or surprised me with something and i didn’t know how to perform the response correctly.
that’s an easy one. another is like, idk, when people vent to me about something? idk how to like, give a properly nurturing response. like sure i could give em a hug or something but it’s like, while frankly i’m NOT honestly that interested a lot of the time, even then like, if i listen and stuff idk how i’m supposed to respond. usually, if the person is mature enough, the response is just “nothing,” just like, being there to listen and maybe offer similar anecdotes or something, but some people expect something from you and it’s very bizarre to me. again, i can totally put myself in their shoes a lot of the time and see why they’re upset, but sometimes people want something more than just a listening ear and i have zero clue what to do.
it’s tough for me to perform grief as well. i’ve learned i don’t process death the same way a lot of people do, like i grieve of course and stuff but it’s really hard for me to perform the right kind of grief for some people.
and this isn’t limited to NTs by any means, but there’s just… a lot of other things people are very serious about that i just… cannot bring myself to care about? like… i just don’t care about a lot of regular social drama that people have lmao. i don’t understand the way people place themselves in regards to other people and how other people see them. like, certain things people take as an affront or like, some kinda disrespectful that make absolutely no sense to me, let alone why they would care lol. like getting upset that someone wasn’t attracted to me or something. I cannot wrap my head around the mindset that people not being interested in you is like, a personal affront. idk. i could go on and on.
I'M SCREAMING YES RIGHT NOW BEHIND MY SCREEN!!! Sorry.. lol
@@sonicthehedgegod omg the enthusiasm thing is really hard for me too. Like I don't think I have too much trouble around people I know well (though maybe I "over emote" around them a little lol), but I'm always so self-conscious in job interviews (or any professional setting really) where I have to perform enthusiasm (not just enthusiasm but the "right level" of enthusiasm and in a "professional" way). Like I've been interviewed for projects that sound really cool and like something I'd love to work on, but people see me use the word "interesting" six times and think that I'm not interested at all
I've noticed that even if I feel bad for someone, it can be hard for me to have enough "enthusiasm" with my response to them because I have a hard time with expressing empathy. It can even be hard with my husband, my parents or my grandparents at times. I also don't want to over-act because it feels disingenuous and patronizing and I don't want to hurt their feelings. It doesn't mean I don't feel anything or I can't express any emotions/feelings, it just means I'm not good with expressing my empathy, espcially when I feel uncomfortable or put on the spot. I often worry that I'm selfish and that I don't feel "bad enough" for people though.
I'm currently on a self discovery journey after coming out as trans last year and have the nagging thought that I may be on the spectrum (31, trans man). I follow several autistic creators and find myself relating to a lot of their experiences, and scored 38 out of 50 possible points on the AQ (Autism Quotient) test, placing me in the highest category of people with autistic traits, which solidified my ambition to get formally diagnosed. This video came out right after I took the test so I immediately clicked. It's very comforting to know you're on the spectrum and that you're willing to share your experiences. I hope people in the comments are kind to you, you deserve it.
For people interested in more autistic creators, I follow Paige Layle, Jessie Gender, Of Herbs and Altars, Aspergers from the Inside and Neurodivergent Rebel.
Cool! I’m an autistic trans man who was diagnosed as a 2 year old. I personally can’t relate to the people who got their autism diagnosis as teenagers or adults, but it’s interesting to hear their view. I am on a self discovery journey since I am 20 years old now and I didn’t realize that I was trans until I was 19.
Autism quizzes are not always a good indicator of being on the spectrum. Not saying your theory is invalid, but rather I want to warn you that people tend to fall prey to confirmation biases. I had some of my neuro-typical friends take a couple tests and they all came out more Autistic than me. These "tests" are usually very flawed in methodology.
I’d strongly suggest to not follow Paige Layle or Aspergers from the Inside. Paige Layle has a (very recent) history of racism and refuses to address it. Aspergers from the inside routinely spreads misinformation on their channel.
@@infinitybauer1187 Currently reading up on this, thanks for the headsup! Anyone else to watch out for?
@@Itri_Vega Basically anyone who talks about “high functioning” autism or Asperger’s syndrome! They’re outdated, inaccurate terms that actually stem from nazi eugenics (although most people who use them don’t know). It’s a sign of ignorance, which isn’t great when you’re seeking education on the subject. Best of luck to you!
As a recovering addict, I can relate to the issue of disclosure of what is a fundamental reality in my life, and at what point to do that. Now, I often find myself with a rather organic segue into the topic, when going out on a first date and explaining my reluctance to include an alcoholic drink with dinner, or having a drink at all. I don't, of course, have to bring up the topic, yet I often feel I would be remiss not to mention it.
Neurotypicals*: "I can't see your emotions, so obviously you don't have any!" thereby doing literally what they acuse us of doing - not properly reacting to emotions because we can't correctly identify them just by watching. And it is our responsibility to ask, to engage, to find out what the other person is feeling, and that makes sense. But somehow it is also our responsibility to portray our emotions in a way that NT's can easily understand them, so they don't have to do any emotional work? And we're supposedly the ones without empathy? Come on..
* obviously not all of them, but I think you all know the Archetype I am talking about
I got diagnosed with autism 1-2 months ago and I feel very alone as I was diagnosed at almost 17 and i don’t have anyone irl to talk about autism stuff so I’m excited to watch this video! I’m aro so I can’t really relate to the romantic partner thing but any Rachel video is a good video so I’m really looking forward to listening to this while I’m journaling :)
I'm in my 40s and also just recently diagnosed. I can very much relate even though I'm double your age
@@bethanythatsme congrats on the diagnosis and I hope we both find an environment where we feel loved and comfortable enough to talk about our experiences!
I am actually doing a research paper for college about women and late autism diagnosis. I suspect I am on the spectrum and my son has autism.
Another newly diagnosed 17 year old aro Autistic here!!! What a wacky coincidence ^-^
@@flashflyingfish hello fren!
TW// trauma, death
I don’t remember when I was first diagnosed with autism, it’s just something I’ve always had. My dad was 100% undiagnosed autistic, but, even though autism is usually something you’re born with due to genetics, we never really put much thought into it because… well he was just my dad, and we loved him quirks and all. Then, in 2016, he died very suddenly in a car accident, and to say it was traumatic for my autistic brain is an understatement. I’ve always felt that mentally, I was much younger than I am. I’m 27, but if I had to guess what I feel like my age is mentally, I’d have to same somewhere between 18 and 21 (21 was the age I was when my dad died, so I don’t think that’s a coincidence). This video was actually unbelievably triggering for me to the point that I couldn’t make it through the whole thing. I have never been in a relationship, because I’m terrified that any neurotypical person would never understand me, and I’m also terrified that any neurodivergent person (in this case, autistic) would clash too much with me. I had a very complex relationship with my dad because we were so similar, but refused to admit it (I think deep down, my dad knew he was on the spectrum, and admitting that I was similar to him would mean he would have to face the facts that he was autistic). It’s to the point that I worry that I’m unloveable. On top of that, I’ve also had internal debates with myself about the fact that in the off chance I DO actually find somebody who I truly love and who loves me and we decided to have kids, I would not want them to inherit my autism, because that would mean that they would likely have to experience all the bullying and feeling different/like an outsider that I went through, and I wouldn’t wish that on anybody. It’s really hard sometimes, it really is
One of the reasons that I want to adopt is because I'm scared of "giving" them my autism. I know that I'd feel guilty about their struggles in a way that I wouldn't if I was raising an autistic kid that I'd adopted
I wish (and this isn't just limited to discussions about autism, it applies to discussions of empathy in general) people would go into more detail when they talk about empathy and understand that there is nuance to it. If I see someone crying, even if I've never met them, even if it's on a TV show that I am not invested in or whatever, I will probably start crying. That is a form of empathy (because of mirror neurons!) But that doesn't necessarily mean that I'll understand why they're crying. And if they were to explain what upset them there's a chance I wouldn't be able to understand that either. And that may come across as a lack of empathy, because I'm not seeing from their point of view or whatever, but that doesn't prevent me from having compassion for them just as I would if I did understand.
What many people don't understand is that empathy has two components: there's cognitive empathy, which is basically the ability to read people, and there's affective empathy, which is feeling what you perceive another person is feeling. Autistic people may not be great at understanding social cues, figuring out people's intentions, etc., but that doesn't mean they don't care about others. Two different things.
@@larissabrglum3856 thank you, I couldn't remember the terms I was looking for so I just described them the best I could haha. I think it can go both ways too, like someone else may have a lot of cognitive empathy but no affective empathy, so they understand others' emotions even if they don't *feel* them. And that can be great because they can help others without being overwhelmed.
from what I know, mirror neuron theory has been discredited, at least as far as the idea that it explains empathy on its own. Apparently, especially with autistic people, there is no link between how your mirror neurons work and how good your empathy is. There's even some doubt over whether mirror neurons even exist - some scientists think experimental results that found them were just a statistical anomaly.
I knew an autistic lady with dementia in aged care, she got very uncomfortable with eye contact, but for people with dementia you're told to keep eye contact. She liked me a lot cause how I'd talk to her was standing beside her and leaning in like we were two awkward people at a party sharing a secret. Everyone communicates differently and I love figuring people out like that
I’ve recently been diagnosed with ASD, and it’s such a strange but self affirming experience to listen to other autistic people and relate wholeheartedly to their experience, the whole video I kept pausing it to scream “same!”. I guess I just wanted to say thankyou for sharing your experiences, so that someone like me can relate to them and feel less alone and more understood
BIG same
I once had a manager tell me my lack of eye contact made me "sketchy". I realize now it's what they call "projection".
My husband is autistic and he is the most tender, Intelligent, compassionate person. He gives me ALL his love and is devoted on a level I didn't think was possible. His love is big ❤️ I have so much to be grateful for and try to live worthy of his love everyday. He teaches me how to love better and he makes marriage easy, fun, and rich with compassion and respect.
If I had a pound for every time I rolled my eyes or let out a large sigh to the content of this book, I’d be very rich.
The worst thing is that this was written by a member of our own community.
I’m 18 months post-diagnosis. Keep going Rachel, it’s not an easy journey and at points you question everything that has gone before, everything is suddenly seen in a new light and it’s hard to process. As you have no doubt seen, there is a lot of crappy information out there, but the more of us that set the record straight, the better.
As a mom to a kid, who just got diagnosed, this video gave me a lot of insights. Both how to guide my young teen and also how to be a better parent to them.
Thank you.
Hearing you talk about your specific struggles reminds me a helluva lot about my teenage years, when I was learning how to adapt and deal with my disabilities
Actually, you're probably better off than I was at that time, since you're got life experience that I lacked (again, at that time). Being aware of your specific weaknesses is extremely useful for how you can deal with them and explain to other people--for example, I tend to be sensitive to very odd things, such as balloons (especially the latex sort), rare meat, and milk and cheese
So, if I notice such problems arising, I try to be upfront with whomever I may be with at the time--if I'm clearly uncomfortable, I want them to know it's not their fault, it's a weird sensory issue that has nothing to do with them
Have you considered reporting this book to the NAS, they could use their influence to get it pulled off shelves.
Awful idea
@@KingCrocoduck how is it an awful idea, the less misinformation, the better.
@@icravedeath.1200 The authors are expressing an opinion, which while counter-productive and poorly considered in many areas, cannot properly be called "misinformation." Censoring it sets an alarming precedent. Moreover, people stand to benefit from evaluating such material, like Rachel here is doing. If this book had been censored, Rachel would never have been able to create this video, and the benefits that have been extracted from this video by the people watching could never have obtained.
@@KingCrocoduck perhaps the NAS could reference this book as an example of misinformation, and could instead help potential readers deconstruct what the misinformation is and how it harms autistic people like myself.
@@icravedeath.1200 They certainly could, and I'd support that, provided that it isn't complemented by the removal of books from shelves. After all, the difference between genuine analysis/criticism and hearsay is the accessibility of primary sources.
OK I'm autistic so either this is gonna be good advice or a nightmare. Judging the facts it's a book on Rachel's channel its gonna be a nightmare and will probably want to wonder why people write this. Btw I meant the book she's reviewing not the actual person rachel. Thought I'd write that part before people get the wrong idea.
I haven’t heard of this book but I love Rachel’s channel and as an Autistic woman, I’m definitely interested in watching this and other (possibly upcoming) videos talking about this questionable book…
@@rachel_sj this is probably our version of the many pick up artustry books written by misogynistic pricks. Domonic noble has a great video on that one
@@bennichol1510 I've been saying for a while now I think most of the PUA scene was narcissists leading autistic men astray. So much of the online manosphere seems tailored to target men with untreated mental health issues.
Most healthy dating advice for men is NOT gonna be helpful for autistics, especially men (socially it's still more normalized for them to be the "aggressor", it's always trickier to take the more active role in a social interaction). And most advice for autistics has very "you are unlovable and unworthy of breeding" vibes still.
I think the issue is that so many dating/sex norms are really unhealthy, and explicitly explaining things to autistics often draws the hypocrisy/wrongness of it in sharp attention.
@@mmmk9966 thank god I didn't fall victim to them. Cause they give men a bad name
@@bennichol1510 Oh yeah. I watched Dominic Noble’s video on those pick up artist book/books awhile ago and I should rewatch them!
I noticed you fiddle with your hands quite a bit. I'm autistic myself and when i fiddle with my hands it can cause me some issues (injuries lol) but one thing that has really helped me is Crazy Aaron's Thinking Putty. They have lots of cool colors and types of putty, they're really awesome.
That sounds cool!!
@@evangelynbeltran202 they have ones that have sparkles that glow but the putty itself doesnt glow so it looks like the most beautiful galaxy. It's called star dust and it's my favorite. They have color shifting ones and mystery bag ones and scented ones, very cool imo. All the ones that glow in the dark come with little uv lights to activate the glow
Me (autistic): "Oh my god I love this TH-camr! They're so relatable and knowledgable on my special interest!"
Every TH-camr I like, after a while: "I am getting diagnosed with autism!" "I am autistic!"
Me: OH MY GOD THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE
Apart from the joke, thank you so much for sharing your story. You inspire me to go to therapy and deal with my own mental health issues.
I love your conent and I wish you all the best ❤
This past year after my ADHD diagnosis last year, and seeing how ADHD and autism seem to often go together, i ended up learning a lot about autism that i never knew. And though i don’t have an official autism diagnosis (because i havent persued one) im about 99% sure me and my family are all autistic to varying degrees or just it presents differently in us.
Actually, a little before you mentioned your autism in a previous video, i was starting to think you probably were! And i was so happy when you mentioned it because idk, i just love your videos and to know you might be mentioning your autism more, it just made me so happy! I love the way you speak and just the way you give your opinions in both a firm, but respectful way and always very informed! I don’t even care about poetry but i love all of your videos.
That being said, i hope you talk more about your autosm, or just in general, because it just really helps to have someone like you talk about it. A channel who isnt just centered around autism (nothing wrong with that). But there is something so genuine about getting to see you talk about autism and knowing that i started watching your videos years ago before you had mentioned it and before i ever knew about myself. Anyways, thanks for being so open! I kinda have that problem as well, always saying so much and going off talking on tangents, but your tangents are lovely rachel 😊
Thank you for the rant in the middle. I'm also autistic and I've been bullied and mistreated by my peers my whole life. I'm conventionally attractive NOW, but at one point, I was a gangly little girl with frizzy hair, pointy ears, and a faint mustache. You absolutely cannot judge anyones past by their current appearance. Heck, you can't even judge someone's present by their appearance! I've been consistently mistreated as an "attractive" adult, too!
Thank you for speaking about your experiences, as a woman with multiple learning disabilities who can also pass for Nurotypical, I really appreciate you being open with us. And Helping other people feel seen ❣️
I was so moved by you talking about your experiences so candidly. You were so open and vulnerable and brave and it was so beautiful. Thank you for sharing that painful part of you life with us. It's heartbreaking that people can be so cruel to each other and I'm so sorry you bore the brunt of that cruelty. Knowing this about you, it makes your kindness, compassion, and empathy even more incredible. (Also, I could tell how difficult it was for you to say you were really intelligent. You are! Own it! Saying something true about yourself doesn't mean it's bragging just because it's something positive. We're so quick to call out our negatives, but have a hard time admitting our strengths. I'm proud of you for being able to admit your strengths.)
My son (3) was recently diagnosed with ASD (among other things) and for us, it just puts a name to this thing that makes our son incredible.
Idk if I’m a target demographic of yours, but as an early 20s male your advice is so good. The line that really helped me in this video was relationships being about deciding if the person is good for you. Rather than convincing them to be with you. I just got out of a shitty relationship where the person and I had completely different wants and needs. Ive spent my entire time grieving blaming myself and figuring out what I need to change. In reality, it’s more likely that we just didn’t vibe and I just need to find someone who wants and cares about the sand things as me. Rather than changing myself to fit others, or trying to get them to fit you. Your vids are amazing keep up the great work!
Yeah, I ended up rejecting a few people in college and then realizing:
"Most rejection is due to a lack of interest". Its important to know this, but no one ever says it
@@nukiradio Yea rejection isn’t an attack on your character and personality. Just letting the person know those things aren’t appealing to them. And that’s fine cause there are people who will want those things.
My nephew is in the process of being diagnosed. He is 2 but has been very clear to all the doctors that he is in the spectrum. Its been challenging but also an amazing experience to understand him better.
Even tho his doctors agree there is people in the family that still correct anyone who says he does. Not because of the diagnoses but because they wish he isn't/think its a bad thing to say he is.
Thank you so much for this video!
as an autistic person i think it’s actually made my relationships healthier because it forces both me and my partner to be direct with our communication. i’m largely incapable of using passive aggression, and they can’t use it either because they know i won’t pick up on it. it’s a win-win
Please PLEASE make more videos on autism, both general educational ones and about your experience. I’m in the prosess of figuring out if I’m on the spectrum. Your point of view would be so very valuable as I see myself in you.
As a woman w ADHD (we have a few overlapping characteristics with ASD), this made me so happy and validated to watch????? Like the intro was chefs kiss amazing like I felt so heard when Rachel was mentioning emotional dysregulation (intense emotions) in the context of how that may affect relationships and the relationship w the self. Also the “I’m not a Pokémon!” comment was so good. We are not a rare find, we are just us.
I got diagnosed this year. Honestly, I thought you were already diagnosed, not sure I’ve been watching you for a long time now and I noticed some behaviors similar to me. Such an interesting diagnosis, that we can have the same thing, but different at the same time.
I feel much better, finding out what was going out. Hope your journey goes smoothly.
Oh boi, I do so love whenever cranks make people on the spectrum sound like psychopaths
Like man, sometimes I wish I could be less sensitive lol
But nah, I'm just eccentric and occasionally anxiety-ridden
Like seriously! It's ASD, not ASPD (Antisocial personality disorder, the actual name for "psychopath"). I understand the acronyms are similar, but these are two very different things.
@@peggedyourdad9560 Antisocial Personality Disorder encompasses both what were once called psychopaths and sociopaths. It's important to recognize the difference between the two, along with the fact that not everyone with this disorder fits the stereotype or is a bad person.
@@EclecticallyEccentric I know, I was just mostly voicing my annoyance at people mistaking autism for antisocial personality disorder because those two things are not the same at all.
@@peggedyourdad9560 That's definitely understandable. I hope I didn't come off too harsh.
@@EclecticallyEccentric It’s fine, you didn’t come off as harsh.
I am proud of you!! 🥰
I was diagnosed last year. My being autistic (and having adhd) makes my childhood make so much sense! Maybe look into adhd if you haven't already? Autism and adhd go hand-in-hand.
I've deal with an incredible amount of anxiety from 32 years of "masking" or "passing". My partner is the first person that I feel comfortable being myself around.
(Also, I hope you don't take offense, but I had an inkling you were on the spectrum. I saw way too many of my autistic traits in you. You're terribly endearing.)
This reminds me of _Aspergirls_ by Rudy Simone.
The book had SOME good advice but when it came to dating and adult life it really boiled down to "just be NT"
I got diagnosed when i was 13 and always used to try to hide it but now as a 29 year old adult i just don't bother trying to hide it at all anymore cos as i've gotten older i've realised that if people can't accept you for the way you are then they're just a waste of time anyway.
👏👏👏
I really appreciate this video as I'm in the process of getting screened for autism myself! I think that there are too few women talking about their experiences as autistics in general and I can't wait if you ever plan to make more discussing topics like these! Love your videos!
The thing about empathy is that autistic people frequently have emotional empathy but it’s cognitive empathy we struggle with. I can feel peoples emotions when they’re displaying them but I have a hard time putting myself in other peoples shoes. I just imagine MYSELF in the situation because I can’t imagine how other people would feel about it.
Excluding the AWFUL content of this book for moment , less then 30 seconds into this vid and we get an adorable resonating kyra grunt directly into the mic, truly lovely :) Now back to the questionable piece of literature
For no reason :)
kira made me adopt a senior (8 ) her old pitbull at the local shelter . Have a nice day
I really appreciate you talking about your experience. I’ve struggled my whole life with the same issue with my teeth. I never smiled until in my 30s when I finally had the resources to get them worked on.
I'm on an autistic discovery journey as well on top of having had multiple physical health issues that affected my appearance through the years. I relate a lot to your story and I thank you for sharing this with us. I'm also grateful for all the neurodivergent AFAB people speaking up and for the movement towards neurodiversity recognition that is happening right now. 🌈💛
Totally off topic but the colour of your hair is fabulous.
When I learned I'm on the spectrum I went through a major period of pain, fear and guilt for wanting kids. The heightened probability of my hypothetical kids struggling as much or more than I have was absolutely heartbreaking (it still is), but you're absolutely right that if we choose to be parents we should accept our child as they are and do everything in our power to give them the best life possible.
"Wear natural makeup!!" i can't. I have sensory issues.
we have so much in common and it’s helped me so much throughout my life
As someone without a formal diagnosis, I resonate with so many things you shared in this video. I was actually surprised when you said the part about how the interviewed woman jumped from relationship to relationship and preferred one on one socializing with a partner. I identify so much with this... I myself have jumped from relationship to relationship when I was able to obtain them because I wanted someone to connect and share my life with. I also enjoy intellectual conversations and learning; I gravitate towards having a relationship with someone I can share this with while exploring life and the world. Having not known this about myself and the multitude of other things I've learned and grown through, I originally thought it was a bad thing (like I couldn't be alone). People would label me as clingy, annoying, too much, know-it-all or something other than normal because I like to communicate. I masked at school and was "shy" and "quiet" where I wasn't comfortable being myself because of this.
Knowing this now, I realize that I was searching for a companion who is like-minded and enjoys communicating and sharing knowledge as much as I do. It's a shame that I didn't understand what masking was and other things when it came to relationships until now. I've spent the majority of my adult life in the wrong relationships for me because I didn't have this information. I used to do exactly what that book says... I used to shrink myself and put all my energy into pleasing the other person instead of thinking about what I needed to be happy. I have a different set of clothes for every relationship I've ever been in and I still struggle being comfortable with myself, my appearance, and knowing who I am. I feel weird looking in mirrors because who I am feels so different from the face that looks back at me when I do. Then I remember that's how other people see me, and it's disheartening because they don't see the vibrant person that I am inside. So many men that I've dated only see me the way they want me to be; when they can't keep that image of me in their mind as part of their reality, the relationship crumbles. I often feel like I'm a china doll that is supposed to look pretty and keep my mouth shut, but that's not who I want to be.
As an autistic woman, I recommend that if you're having trouble in relationships try dating someone who is either autistic or has autistic friends. It's not a rule - there's plenty of lovely people out there who have no neurodivergent friends - but having someone who is used to our styles of communication and vibrantly loves being around autistic people can help the relationship and also help how comfortable you feel being your autistic self around them
Thank you so, so much for this video. I’ve been slowly discovering I’m autistic over the past 7 years or so, and I love hearing other perspectives. Just as well, seing someone like you with the courage to be vulnerable and open about this is part of what’s now encouraging me to do the same. Visibility is so incredibly important!
Thank you so much for talking about this topic (and book). 💙 I love your videos generally, but this one was especially close to home as an autistic person.
I LOVED your rant in the middle - it resonated so hard with my experiences as a non-diagnosed autistic person at school (i.e. sh*t).
I was diagnosed as an adult about 5 years ago now & I’ve struggled with a lot of the information for autistic adults being, essentially, all that you describe here - patronising and, sort of, fake-helpful without actually being helpful! Thank you so much for talking about this so clearly. 😊
I'm just at the 10:30 minute mark and had to stop the video to say THANK YOU, Rachel for being so brave and so strong. I completely understand how difficult this must be for you to talk about publicly. Thank you for pushing through your discomfort and persevering
I also want to say I really, really appreciate your long introductions. I have noticed that you are a TH-camr who is very deliberate and conscientious about your content. You are very purposeful about what you post. And the longer introductions allow me to better understand this underlying purpose. Which is great!
empathy and sympathy are different and people probably shouldn't talk about them in the same way. if any person, autistic or otherwise, lacks empathy, it does not mean they do not care, do not have sympathy, and cannot be understanding and compassionate. empathy just means actively feeling the same emotions. there's literally nothing wrong with lacking the ability to feel true empathy if you're still a caring and kind person
OK. But most autistic people actively feel the same emotions too, they just express them differently.