3 SHOCKING Love Tips For the Perfect Relationship | Relationship Theory
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 15 มิ.ย. 2024
- Are you and your partner looking for powerful tips to help your relationship last? Are you wondering what the key lessons are when it comes to making your love thrive for years to come? On this episode of Relationship Theory, Lisa and Tom Bilyeu sit down to discuss such matters and more as they share their key tips to help make ensure your relationship can stand the test of time. They discuss why you sometimes need to put yourself first and be selfish, why you need to go deeper and understand the root cause of your arguments, and why having little to no expectations is best long-term.
Do you want to win a 30 minute hang out with Tom and Lisa?? Subscribe to our channel, and like and comment on this video to be entered to win! All entries must be in by midnight PST on Sunday, February 14th. Good luck!
SHOW NOTES:
Be Selfish | Tom and Lisa discuss the hidden benefit of being selfish in your relationship. [0:34]
Go Deeper | Tom and Lisa discuss the importance of addressing underlying issues. [6:24]
No Expectations | Tom and Lisa discuss how to set realistic and healthy expectations. [16:00]
QUOTES:
“While it’s not romantic, I actually do think it is a hundred-percent important to be selfish in the sense of taking care of yourself, what makes you happy, so that you can show up to be happy in that relationship.” [3:22]
“You can either feel like you’re saying different things but you’re actually saying the same thing or you can actually be saying different things and think you’re saying the same thing and it causes like a total derailment.” [5:53]
“People are mistaking an emotion for objective truth…” [11:55]
FOLLOW TOM:
Instagram: bit.ly/2s9lU90
TH-cam: bit.ly/2KWanAC
Podcast: spoti.fi/2xEloFL
FOLLOW LISA:
Instagram: bit.ly/2TIsoKh
TH-cam: bit.ly/2IAbTcH
Podcast: spoti.fi/2IEajGW0
If we could all talk as openly and honestly as you two, the world would be a better place.
1. The importance of being selfish
2. Base assumption+ insecurities . Go beyond the 'tea' n discuss the real shit . Plus distrusting yourself n opting for the hard truth really helps
3.let go of all expectations ... You can ofcourse have your limits but no expations of what a perfect relationship is
@th-cam.com/video/TqKDY_2FhWU/w-d-xo.html
Thanks for listing them, I like writing down the bases of each video on my journal to remind myself 😅
These videos are crazy educational for people that truly want to have a stable and healthy relationship with their partner. Thank you for being real and just laying it all out on the table.
Even being single this is good stuff to know
@th-cam.com/video/TqKDY_2FhWU/w-d-xo.html
This makes me so HAPPY I am single. I wouldn't trade my single life for any of this crap, lol.
@Edwoods Philosophy It's the best;)
Oh, definitely, much better if you're looking at it while you're single. It will help you to be ready for a healthy relationship and look for a partner who wants a healthy relationship as well.
Miscommunication in arguments comes from:
1) Base assumption
2) Insecurity
....And much more, like differences in culture, upbringing, personal expectations, values, personality differences, and also, things can be misconstrued when one or both have weak communication/listening skills
And even after that there are still tons more reasons. I don’t understand why people love coming around and dropping these reductions as though they’re such deep love gurus who have relationships all figured out
Manipulation
Having hidden agendas
I love how ambitious and open Lisa & Tom are about their relationship, and how much thoughtfulness they bring to analyzing the challenges and commitments that have brought them closer and made their union so strong.
Caring for yourself FIRST is the absolute most important step in cultivating any relationship. The better you care for yourself, the better you’re able to care for others, and the stronger that relationship has the potential to be. ❤️
That's right ! Be happy with ur self can lead to a happy couple💓
Tom and Lisa undeniably have one of the strongest public-facing relationships found on the internet - period.
Their candid, yet vulnerable conversations condense YEARS of hard-earned wisdom and its incredible to see how TO THIS DAY they’re still trying to figure this stuff out like the rest of us.
I’ve learned far more from a handful of Relationship Theory episodes than I have in years of blindly fumbling through relationships. What’s more amazing is how applicable this stuff is to business relationships, family, friends, etc.
By far some of the most transformative content on the internet. It will change you if you let it.
I am extremly grateful for you both.. Years ago when I first watched/listened to relationship theory I hadn't grown enough to understand. I was really like "I don't get it, they talk like they're a business partnership" I really couldn't appreciate your insight. After a bunch of self reflection, reading some of the book recommendations and therapy work, I now can appreciate and even model how you guys communicate within my own relationship and with my children. Self awareness and honesty are hella dope lol. Thank you for teaching me how to be better.
@th-cam.com/video/TqKDY_2FhWU/w-d-xo.html
Love listening to your raw, deep, vulnerable conversations. Such a lovely couple having an amazing impact on the collective ♡
❤️
the level of communication and articulation to say your thoughts with one another is what I strive for with my future partner, goddamn yall are monsters
"Put your mask on before you put on someone else's." I'm fully with Lisa on this one, that is one of the biggest fundamentals of my relationship and my life! How can you give to others if you yourself don't have enough.
HERE'S THE. MOST. PROFOUND Relationship advice you'll ever hear:
It Only Takes One to Have a Happy Marriage
It doesn't take two people to end war in a marriage; it takes only one. And if two people have ended it, life can be twice as beautiful.
*
Defense is the first act of war. When people used to say, "Katie, you don't listen," I would immediately bristle and respond, "Of course I listen! How dare you say that! Who do you think you are? I listen!" I didn't realize that I was the one making war by defending myself. And I was the one who could end it. It doesn't take two people to end war; it takes only one.
The ego hates criticism and loves agreement. Actually, for the ego, love is nothing more than agreement. A relationship is two people who agree with each other's stories. If I agree with you, you love me. And the minute I don't agree with you, the moment I question one of your sacred beliefs, I become your enemy; you divorce me in your mind. Then you start looking for all the reasons why you're right, and you stay focused outside yourself. When you're focused outside and believe that your problem is caused by someone else, rather than by your attachment to the story you're believing in the moment, you are your own victim, and the situation appears to be hopeless.
Your partner is your mirror. Except for the way you perceive him, he doesn't even exist for you. He is who you see he is, and ultimately it's just you again, thinking. It's just you, over and over and over, and in this way you remain blind to yourself and feel justified and lost. To think that your partner is anything but a mirror of you is painful. So when you see him as flawed in any way, you can be sure that that's where your own flaw is. The flaw has to be in your thinking, because you're the one projecting it. You are always what you judge us to be in the moment. There's no exception. You are your own suffering; you are your own happiness.
There's no way to truly join your partner except by getting free of your belief that you need something from him that he's not giving. Nothing can cost you someone you love. There's nothing your husband can possibly do to keep you from loving him. The only way you can lose him is by believing what you think. You're one with your husband until you believe that he should look a certain way, he should give you something, he should be something other than what he is. That's how you divorce him. Right then and there, you have lost your marriage.
Of course, sometimes it's best to physically leave. If your husband is abusive, question your thoughts about why you stay. As you enlighten yourself to what's true, you may come to see that the only sane choice is to leave him. You may love him with all your heart and simply know not to live with him. We don't have to be fearful, bitter, or angry to end a marriage. Or, if you're not ready to leave, you may stay in the marriage, but with a greater awareness of how you're abusing yourself by allowing him to abuse you. It's like a yard with a big sign on the gate: THIS DOG BITES. If you walk into the yard once and are bitten, the dog has bitten you. If you walk into the yard a second time and are bitten, you have bitten you. This very awareness can change everything. By questioning your mind, you begin to realize that ultimately no one can hurt you--only you can. You see that you are 100 percent responsible for your own happiness. This is very good news.
If my husband were to have an affair and that were not okay with me, I would say, "Sweetheart, I understand that you're having an affair, and I notice that when you do that, something inside me tends to move away from you. I don't know what that is, I only know that it's so; it mirrors your movement away from me, and I want you to know that." And then if he were to continue his affair, to prefer to spend his time with another woman, I might notice that I was moving away, but I wouldn't have to leave him in anger. There is nothing I can do to stay with him, and there is nothing I can do to divorce him. I'm not running this show. I might stay with him, or I might divorce him in a state of total love, and think, This is fascinating; we promised we would be together always, and I'm divorcing him now, and I would probably laugh, love that he has what he wants, and move on, because there is no war in me.
It doesn't take two people to end war in a marriage; it takes only one. And if two people have ended it, life can be twice as beautiful.
Byron Katie ❤
Founder of The Work, Author of Loving What Is and A Thousand Names for Joy
Berne Brown uses the statement "The story I'm telling myself is..." when arguing with her husband. That's a way of distrusting yourself AND communicating your base assumptions.
Her husband or her wife? she has a wife btw.
@@InfiniteTriztan1111 Brené Brown? She has a husband.
Brene Brown's use of the phrase "the story in my head..." immediately takes away the sense of threat to the other person. It places the focus of the issue onto your OWN and possibly flawed interpretation of the other person's actions and intent, if you know what I mean. The use of the word "story" also conjures a bit of needed lightness at a tense time. It takes away blame, forces you to own your feelings, and makes room for other interpretations. I use that trick a lot, and it helps.
Powerful!! 🔥
I really hope that there’s another episode like this but on friendship.
I highly agree!!! You have given me an idea. ♥️🍀
To be fair, these rules still apply even in a friendship.
yaaaas
@th-cam.com/video/TqKDY_2FhWU/w-d-xo.html
I agree with à previous reply in that these would apply also to friendships
First off thank you guys for all the podcasts/ channels you do. You’ve helped my marriage in so many ways and watching your videos has become a routine for my husband and I. I have a lot to say, but I’ll leave it short for now lol you guys are just a great inspiration. Thank you!
@th-cam.com/video/TqKDY_2FhWU/w-d-xo.html
Loved that. I love how expressive Tom is when he's impressed by what Lisa is saying. It's a personality trait that I'd love to pick up.
One thing I love about you both and your relationship is how you aren't afraid to do and say what works for your relationship. Too many people have in their head what they expect relationships to be or what they traditionally are or what worked for their so-and-so, but aren't brave enough to take the time to dig down into what actually makes a relationship (a strong, deep, meaningful relationship) work -- and then put in the work to make it happen. You both are awesome 😍
Also love the comment on “distrusting yourself.” I think it’s a balance of owning your truth and also challenging your own beliefs. So many people abandon their truth in relationships and end up resenting the partner. One thing we love about your partnership, is that you two have a strong relationship with “self” and really respect yourselves.
Hi Lisa and Tom!
I’m Gaby from Mexico. I want to tell you that I love your channels, the content you share and the amazing interviews you make.
You are the best teachers ever.
Love from Mexico.
Her smile when he says "the love of my life" 😁❤ so cute
That was actually the ONLY thing I loved that he said to her.
*“The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.”* ―Ralph Waldo Emerson
The chances of you seeing this comment is pretty low, but if you did, *I hope you have an amazing day...* 🖤
Irrelevant comment to get clout for ur channel
Can't convey in words how much value my husband and I have gained from following your work and taking in content from the both of you, thank you x1000000000000
I really think the importance of selfishness is wildly overlooked on a relationship.
I love this couple. Happy Valentine’s Day everyone ❤️
This is why it's very vital to hear a women's perspective and man's perspective. Love this.! ❤ ✊🏽
My girlfriend and I have utilized some of the tools your share to have a happy relationship and they have worked. Our favorite is discussing hard things with each when we are both “emotionally sober”
Hey Tom, I’ve been listening to you almost daily for about 4 months and I gotta say it’s helped a ton. I love your open mindset in Impact theory and in this channel as well. Thank you!
Self care first before caring for the other person.
Love this and agree completely. Just wanted to say that I was in a really rough place in my relationship last year and I started listening to a lot of both of your videos, about relationships but also about life in general. I realized I needed to get out of that toxic relationship and work on my dreams even if they scared me. I've grown exponentially since then. Thank you for the messages you share!
Heyo, I’m Soumiya, 17, focused in neurotech x femtech and built brainwave-directed prosthetic/games/keyboards and now an infradian rhythm-centric productivity app!
Takeaways:
- How to find the fine line between preserving your identity + making necessary sacrifices for the relationship?
- Someone upsets us when an insecurity/something you’re already worried about is highlighted (when someone doesn’t behave the way you expect them to)
- How to actively counter rationalization bias: take a second to distinguish between fact and perception to determine the root of the issue to be addressed
Distrusting/questioning your initial thoughts and reactions is such a great advice! Thank you for everything, Tom and Lisa!
Trust in each other and open conversation. I value this sooooo much. Thank you Lisa and Tom for the amazing value you bring your community.
I didn’t know y’all were married until today. I love you both!!
Incredibly brilliant conversation! DEFINITELY giving this channel a follow
Dude I absolutely love your mindset and your content. Everything you talk about validates all the things I said to myself when I was young and let others convince me I was crazy to think.
Thank you
We love watching your videos! Always so insightful, honest and raw. ❤️
SoSO good- exploring another’s inner world with genuine curiosity, compassion, and non-judgement as we do with ourselves. Be radically responsible for your own fulfillment don’t wait for them to bring it to you. “I love you and this relationship more than being right”
Lisa, I’m so happy you let Tom talk most of the time. Men need to unburden, open up, listen to themselves to realize that’s a way to become truly to themselves. Lisa you are a truly inspiration ✨🙌🏻💞❤️🌷🌸💐
These are such great conversations. Thank you!
Tom and Lisa, you have NO idea how aligned we are with your content. It’s not about the tea, it’s not about the socks, it’s not about the dishes. It’s about what it MEANS to you. You guys, it would be a dream come true, literally, for us to win the 30 minute hangout session with you two. Like you have no idea how much it would fulfill a dream on our manifestation list. Our missions so align with yours and we would make that 30 minutes turn into a decade of momentum and IMPACT. Love you guys!!
The whole thing about distrusting yourself is so amazing and humble but also so exhausting when it’s only coming one way in the relationship. You guys are amazing!!!!
These discussions you two have been having on this show have been amazing. It has helped me go deeper with myself and deeper in my relationship.
Thank you, thank you!
I relate with Lisa in so many ways, I too had gut issues growing up and realized too late about what was going on. My illness was the reason I discovered Impact theory and you guys. Your guys provide super quality content through all your channels Impact, relationships & Health theory. I watch most of the videos you guys put out and they have helped me a lot in the past years. If you end up selecting me for the 1 on 1 session, I would be truly greatful. Thanks for the work and effort you both put into everything you do, I really appreciate it and wish you guys the best. Please keep up the great work😊
This couple is an example of marrying your best friend. They are literally like friends
Woooow I can fully relate to the fact of relocating and leaving family, we not married yet and I have lots of doubts
This was amazing! I love it! You two are so awesome for telling these things to people. Letting go of expectations and being selfish are 2 things I had to learn in my marriage as well. So powerful. Once I learned to be selfish, with my kids too, my life improved dramatically
Thank you for sharing your thoughtful and realistic approach to relationships. Every aspect of my life is better because of the two of you. I especially appreciated Tom's perspective on distrusting yourself when you're going through something emotional and Lisa's tip for letting go of expectations in relationships.
Thank you for sharing this - I can relate so much! Lisa, you are soooo on point with the 'expectations'. I find myself still falling into that trap... I love learning from guys - how you and Tom treat each other and communicate is very inspirational.
I have so much respect for you guys. Thank you for the discussion!! ❤️
I was already subscribed to the other channels, as well as both of your Instagram pages. I LOVE the content you both produce, and I always look forward to watching/ reading!❤
This is the best segment of relationship theory I've watched. Very insightful, detailed and well articulated. Love it!
(30 min zoom hangout entry) I love listening to both of you and how you went more in depth into the cup of tea story. I have heard it a couple of times in your interviews on Impact Theory. Which is something that has helped me realized that sometimes an argument with my girlfriend went further than it should over some petty thing but it was only because there was something deeper there. I don’t know why your cup of tea story has such a big impact in my life but it truly has. I have applied it not just in my relationship with my partner but I have implemented the cup of tea theory in all of my relationships with friends, family and even strangers. Came to realize that many times we as humans get triggered over little things which explode to something out of proportion because there is a deeper issue not being addressed. When you are able to realize why that particular thing set you off you are better able to have control of the outcome of that conversation. Hope both you and Lisa have a great weekend! and if given the chance would appreciate to get to hangout with both of you.
So glad I came across you guys! First impact theory, then health theory and now relationship theory. Keep delivering huuge value!
❤️ love this! Thank you for the honesty and sharing it!
I’ve watched a few of the relationship theory videos and I am in awe of how you guys flow. It’s more than a marriage. I’m gonna need to manifest this immediately!
OMG that was mindblown ! 100% of all my arguments with my ex bf till these days (cause he is the father of my son) is due to a different way of describing feelings and attitude. Whatever I say is disrespectful he says back "it's not disrespectful" or I say "I just want you to respect me" he'd be like "but I do.. for me you are the best mother our son can have" then I say, it's a sort of admiration not respect.. and jeez I could go on here for hours! I just wish I could win this 30 min with you guys so maybe I would get some more insights in how to handle our differences in a way that would avoid any type of argument resulting in us being able to offer a good example for our son to have and obviously make our family time (whenever we are all together) happy and memorable for our little one! Thank you for sharing these stories about your marriage! Take care guys x
Thanks for always sharing! You guys have changed my life in so many ways. Glad you decided to bring this series back. My girlfriend and I went through a ton of problems early on (all communication based) and this series has made a big difference! Would love to the change to chat with you guys
You guys are awesome!! I literally just found you this morning. And I've been looking and researching for months now. On trying to find the right kind of help for the specifics of my fiance's and my issues. So far, you both have made so much sense and are on a level that's pretty easy to understand. I'm glad you both made it to the other side of the $h1+ show. That gives me hope that my fiance and I can also get to the other side of ours too. So ty so much!! I'm sending all my virtual love and blessings to you both.
Ahh you guys are the best!! As a couple that works together we have learned SO much from you both- getting the chance to connect on a call would be a dream come true 😍Besides running a social media agency together we also started a channel where we put a twist to self improvement by making it fun and creative. Been super inspired by IT and all the lessons learned form ITU 🙏💛
All I can say is Lisa and Tom, you have changed my life! 😄 I watch all of your content and It would take a lifetime to express what your story means to me and my own journey. I would love to meet you both and aspire to achieve at a level that earns me that space. I write stories, and want to use the power of storytelling to help people (as I know you do) No matter what, keep it up you two. Thank you
Love listening to you both. I’m continually impressed by how conscious yet relatable you both are in relationship. Thank you for sharing your experience honestly!
I am so excited to watch these and learn more before I get into a relationship. I have been celibate and out of all relationships for 2 & 1/2 years, to become whole. I’m still a work in progress and I am so grateful that y’all are being so transparent about your relationship to help others! Blessings to you both!!!
Great episode, as always! my husband and I have been watching/listening to your advice since he began recovery (PA/3 yrs now), and your relationship theories (including the old stuff on the other channel) have really helped us!
The being selfish and the expectation sections of the video really helped me gain a new perspective of being in a relationship. Thank you so much for this video! Please keep them coming! 💕✨
I love this and I love you two! Happy Valentine’s Day ❤️
This video was so enlightening, thank you! It is definitely important to feel whole before you start a relationship because depending on someone will only hurt you. That is one my takeaway, but the video was wonderful! Congrats on 20 years of marriage, wishing you 100 more to come! ♥️🙏 I would love to win the zoom session with both of you. This year is all about my spiritual journey and this will bring me so much joy and insight about what a healthy relationship is.
Thank you for this video. I always learn something from watching you two :)
Been listening to Relationship Theory since its first edition. I was so sad when you discontinued it, and HYPED when you brought it back! ❤️❤️
Thank you both so much for all the work that you do! I am so inspired by the both of you individually and your relationship!!! I have been listening to Relationship Theory, Impact Theory and Women of Impact honestly during any free time I have and it has been like therapy, helping me rewire my mindset at the very core!
My husband and I have been married for 2 and a half years now with no kids and are dabbling in the entrepreneur world, we look up to you!! Happy Valentines Day!💖
Your relationship example is very eye-opening. We share a personal and professional relationship, and have experienced a great amount of personal growth individually throughout our relationship. Your top 3 are in line with what I’ve learned over the last 3 1/2 years - eliminating expectations, establishing boundaries for ones self, doing what makes you happy, being for yourself before you are “for others”. Recognizing the ability to build a life together and grow as individuals is, from my perspective, a skill that extends beyond romantic relationships.
I learnt so much from you! Looking forward to learning more! 😊❤
Me and my partner love listening to your videos and discuss how it relates to our relationship. I think we have common personality traits and differences between each other like you guys do so we would benefit a lot from a zoom call with you :) and even if we don't get it, keep up the good work, we appreciate what you do! ❤️
Grown so much relationship wise from this. Some of the few Og’s that keep it 100% thank you
Love this! Honest. Thoughtful. Show up with a full tank 🙌🏼 It’s so easy to get lost in the “we” and neglect the “me” when you’re trying to make a relationship truly work 🤔
Love you guys . You have helped me navigate my relationship with so much ease, we so happy
I love how you guys talk with each other. My fiancé and I also like watching your content. We definitely want to connect with both of you!😊
Brought me to tears. Thank you. Cant wait to show my partner
Hello I can recommend you to a great powerful spell caster, who helped me to get my ex boyfriend back in 6 hours without delays ........
Great video and advice! Simple changes in our behavior really make the difference! My husband and I love you guys
"Fell in love" with you two. Because you fought to have this vibrant, healthy, transformative relationship where you become one.
It’s amazing how the smallest things can cause such huge fights! It’s never ‘about the tea’. Thank you both for opening up your relationship challenges for all the world to see and learn from. You two are definitely #relationshipgoals ✨💪🏻
I would be honored to spend 30minutes in the presence of greatness ❤️ This Valentine’s I am focusing on deep self love and respect for leaving an emotionally abusive relationship in October.
Building myself up to love again and I hope to attract in a partner who is growth mindset like you guys!
We all have baggage, find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack 😊
Cheers!
Thanks for everything you both!
This has been super helpful!
Thank you so much, been struggling with my relationship and I feel like this will help us a lot. Thank you 🙏🏼
Faaaantastic conversation! 💝 This stuff is what gets me going ⚡ Thank you for sharing your wisdom 🙏🏼
Thanks guys for the impact you all have!
love the videos! learning so much
Powerful couple. Keep it up guys, keep spreading love and wisdom.
I’m new to this channel of yours, but safe to say mind blown & sitting watching going “yes”, “yes”, “uh ha!”, “yes!” So cool, so well done guys and thank you - we need more honesty, vulnerability and intelligence in relationship advice! Keep it up, please!
We fought over cheese - specifically EXACTLY how long it took to melt said cheese.
Love this episode!
Thank you both for sharing your stories and life journey ❤️
Thank you for being so open about this so important topic of relationship! We are learning so much! Being still very young, its gonna help my journey on this aspect of human life so much! Thank you for all!
More women need to speak like this keep it real and grounded in reality. And we can communicate! ❤
Excellent insights!! Thank you guys
Honestly, exactly what I needed to hear today. Thank you.
{hangout entry please!} I swear, I just love you both! My partner/boyfriend/soulmate/person😁 and I are doing the long-distance thing and your videos have been immensely helpful on being intentional AF. Getting down to the nitty gritty has been our aim and it’s so much fun to be able to kind of follow along with the topics of your episodes.💚
You guys are amazing. My boyfriend and I with your guys tips have been able to grow our relationship to space! Just want it to thank you and show my gratefulness to you! Respect ✊! ❤️
Love you guys!
Amazing video, I watch almost all your videos from all different channel, love you both
Thank y'all so much dearest 🌹
Y'all such an inspiration 🥰
Appreciate y'all from the bottom of my heart 💖
Be Blissful Eternally 🙏👼🌈
“It’s not about the tea!” You’re so spot on. I’ve got a wonderful relationship, still early days and we’d love a zoom with you! I spent an hour talking about some of the things you both talked about on Clubhouse through the week (which led me here 🙏🏻❤️).