Understanding Non-Binary: Excerpts from a Correspondence | Robbin Derry and Saga Darnell | TEDxULeth
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 27 พ.ค. 2020
- As a business ethics professor at the University of Lethbridge’s Calgary campus, Robbin Derry is deeply interested in questions of social justice. Saga Darnell is an actor, singer, dancer and playwright studying gender and performance at Reed College in Portland, Oregon. After Saga came out as non-binary in 2016, Saga and Robbin began a correspondence, chronicling their thoughts and understanding around transness and non-binary identity. These are a few of those letters between mother and child. As a business ethics professor at the University of Lethbridge’s Calgary campus, Robbin Derry is deeply interested in questions of social justice. Saga Darnell is an actor, singer, dancer, and playwright studying gender and performance at Reed College in Portland, Oregon. After Saga came out as non-binary in 2016, Saga and Robbin began a correspondence, chronicling their thoughts and understanding around transness and non-binary identity. These are a few of those letters between mother and child. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
This is the reality. I’m the parent of non-binary person. I have never left their side. I have worked hard to ‘see’ them. Educate people about out beautiful children. My heart was in deep pain knowing my child struggles. But proud that they did not give up and continued to fight and live their truth. I trusted their intelligence and choice as they had top surgery done. In fact I reached out to friends to help raise money because insurance would not cover the costs. This is a life saving procedure! All my friends donated, it was amazing. I will save this video because it touches on all the important aspects that our children and parents go through. Thank you for doing this, in exactly the way you did it. This is life saving.
The openness. The vulnerability. The courage. The love. It was all too visible in this correspondence. It supports the narrative that even though having understanding and accepting parents doesn't ensure a painless existence, it does bring a lot of comfort to know that someone you love loves you just as much, if not more, and is trying to do right by you.
Dear Saga and Robbin,
I try to be an empathetic and understanding person, and I have learnt so much from watching this correspondence today. I would like to have as big a heart as you two have. I will work on that so that one day when I have a duckling of my own, I honour them and cherish them the way they'd want me to. Thank you for guiding us into a small part of your lives and that of others who might be going through the same.
With love,
Kavya
The bollocks.
Mam if you understand what is non binary Are they comfortable in their body
@@_Sakidora_ what is non binary
@@kavyabanka4482 Good question. Nothing real, that's for sure.
She is being absolutely cruel to her parents. She is selfish and psychotic. So sad. Her parents have to lie to her. Despicable woman...but she is clearly mentally ill so we can't be too hard on her.
Wow. Tears. They are both so self aware and open minded, I'm awestruck that a mother and child are able to have such a complex conversation what seems so gracefully. I also resonate so much with Sage's experience and admire their courage to open up about this and be vulnerable. I feel I have a lot to learn from this exchange, thank you for sharing!
When I'd originally watched it and surely every rewatch... it's moving, saddening, and affirming for myself... my mother was my truest communication. She was always open to everything and being nonbinary, myself... had I known a label beyond how I've always described myself... my mother would have dived in and helped me in every way possible.
The hug at the end killed me... it was so beautiful, as was each exchange.
It hurts to know my mother could have been there for my gender discovery journey.
Please remove yourself from this planet ASAP before you do more harm
I've only seen 5 minutes of it and was wondering if they are mother and child or if they are just two academics. It's very helpful when both mother and child are academics because they can understand the dynamics a little bit better.
Showing their vulnerablity, compassion and love for one another. You are both so courageous. Thank you so much. I recently came out non-binary/agender and I'm 50. Self love, self acceptance and self love for everyone ❤
You are truly brave for coming out and showing people your true self. I pray those around you will continue to love and support you like you deserve.
PROVE you're non binary. If you can't its because there is no such thing.
If you have a stick between your legs you're a male if you dont have one you're a female
No one was brave or vulnerable .. they are selfish, spoiled rotten brats who are constant attention seeking whores.
You are not non-binary. EVERYBODY has a masculine and feminine side.
I wish my mother took my gender nonconformity as well as their mother does. Their mom seems to try and wants to be present and there for her duckling, and that’s how it should be.
You aren’t losing a daughter, if anything you’re gaining a full person! (Or both? Idk. I always feel guilty for making my mother feel like “she lost a daughter” but she didn’t lose a daughter? I’m not lost? I’m just not a daughter, nor a son! It’s more like she gained a daughter and a son, lol!)
Listen to your mother. The good etiquette is to listen to the advice of parents if they mean well. That is the right etiquette for a cultivated person.
Are you saying that girls aren't full people?
I don't understand. Could you please explain? How is it gaining a full person? It would just be a child changing who they are. I can't understand this whole narrative/ perspective.
Fkn sad bstds,get a grip... born with a co.k don't wear a frock freaks 🤮🤮🤮
@@outestuniverse6569 too bad your mom didn't teach you the good etiquette of understanding others perspectives outside your own sheltered world. Tragic.
I cried so much! What a beautiful story, and what a nice format, with letters being read between recipients! But seriously, when they said "Who would want to be by my side? Or be by my side after surgery?" I was literally with my hand in the air.
This was nothing short of beautiful. As a cis person, I have been having a difficult time understanding what it means to be non-binary, but this beautiful exchange of feelings between mother and child really helped open my eyes. Thank you.
This is everything I want to tell my parents. I hope they take it as well as their mum
I hope they do/did as well
As a mother I watched this with my non binary 12 yr old. They hugged me and said their dad and I had responded much like this mother. I have never been so proud and relieved ….. loving them made it necessary, not necessarily easy. I slipped up pronouns for months. I still do occasionally. But our baby reminds me gently ( lol and at times forcibly)
Wishing you well❤️
HER*
"I hope they take it as well as *her* mom."
Get out of this woke BS.
@@customfantasyhotwheels you are adding nothing productive with your comment other than demonstrating your blatant ignorance.
@@chaos_flower - Ignorance? Do you not realize that she is *1* (ONE) person? She isn't a 2-headed human🤦🏻♂️
You need to realize that this came out in 2020, when people were locked up inside their homes with boredom and too much time to think about silly things, such as this "they/them" 💩
@@customfantasyhotwheels Not believing in the nonbinary is a form of discrimination. It is just like transphobia and whenever someone comes out as either trans and/or nonbinary of course rightists will lash out on their bigotry.
I wish I came out the same way this story did. Everything would be so much easier right now
Beautiful! Best TEDx talk I've ever heard.
This is really great. Thanks to you both for sharing.
Beautifully done :)
This was so healing. It was every conversation I needed to hear. Thank you ❤
This was so beautiful! I can relate to their description of the feeling of their changes in body are sooo relatable for me and so well described
oh god, I'm crying so hard right now 😭🫂 that was beautiful
Thank you for inviting me in! 💕🌻🌼💐💕
I think i am so incredibly special and unique, yall will never know how special and unique i think i am.
love this so much
"I love my body and think that my body is beautiful. I just dont feel like it is mine. I want somebody else to have this beautiful body" - i cried. Because that's what i've been saying to myself for a long time. Now i think that i might be agender
That's tragic. It's dissociation, not 'being nonbinary'.
@@Mel-wn9gb the comments section of youtube really isn't any place to be diagnosing. I guess it is definitely the place to be judgmental, from my past experience here.
@@acreklaw Unless you self diagnose as 'nonbinary'. Then it's ok apparently. And exercising judgement is an essential life skill.
@@Mel-wn9gb you can be diagnosed with dissociative disorders but you can't be diagnosed as 'non-binary' cuz it is not a disorder.
sooooo powerful. thank you for this
I am not a Marsman. What am I?
Very good and very touching. Thank you so much for sharing 😊🙏
this was so beautiful to watch!
How is this so underrated?
Guess...
Over rated.. fixed it
Beautiful share! ❤️❤️
Fabulous, thank you both.
Hello, I am crying. I think I will show this to my parents
I listen to TED talks all the time and I take the words in...I do learn basic information shared during these talks but this one-this one allowed me to take it all in on an emotional level...I best learn thru feeling and understanding other peoples feelings...thank you so much for this format and I thank the presenters so much for allowing us to witness the beauty of your love so deeply...you are the kind of people who give me hope for the well-being of our world...this was absolute beauty...thank you (hug)
Thank you. I needed this information. My NB and their partner had emotionally manipulated me, but it was a shock tactic. I think I can do better now, but I can't take any more manipulation to destroy me on purpose.
I want to heal this rift that has been going on for a week now. I want my child to feel how much I care and love them, but understand that I can't imagine what is going on with them, only because I'm not them. I don't have the same experiences.
This video has a great potential to help others in my situation and a situation like yours.
I can't say I really understand after watching this, but thanks for trying.
TRYING to understand and failing to is a whole lot better than dismissing someone
For me being MAAB and being agender with warm feelings for the term neutrois. I describe it as if a person put on a jumpsuit. For each gender you've patches of a different color depending on male/female. For non-binary's you have only one color to cover your body.
Wow, so this is what it would be like to have a parent who loves you o.O
this is on of the most beautyfull speaches i have ever seen. thank you
❤❤❤
It's just hard for me to understand why personality isn't a more important overriding factor than gender. I don't think gender should limit anyone, live and let live, if you're a man or a woman do what you want and don't be constrained by supposed gender roles. So that being said it's hard for me to wrap my head around why one feels compelled to not be called by one gender or another. So for example, I've known many women who maybe in adolescence would be referred to as a "tomboy", meaning they don't enjoy having the appearance or participating in activities that would typically be associated with most girls. I just don't understand what that extra compulsion is to not only disregard gender roles (which I'm all for) but to go out of your way to disregard gender pronouns, which themselves are irrelevant in my opinion. If I refer to someone as he or she it has no bearing on what I think he or she should think, do, say, or wear. So what makes removing those pronouns so important? This is a genuine question.
There are people who identify as men or women, AND there are also people who don’t. It’s not about destroying things, it’s more about creating things
For me it’s very important that people will perceive me as gender neutral, for some it’s not. It’s all about being different in so many ways and to accept that i guess
Changing laws changes things though. When it becomes unlawful to misgender someone, then you're bringing everyone into the conversation, so you can't just tell people to shut up and accept it and call anyone who doesn't initial agree with you a transphobe if they have questions and struggle to understand. @eol273
If they want ther own pronounce then don't use existing ones. We gave defined meaning of am/is/are and you know that, so you can't feel to be called "they" when you know meaning of they.
We cant call you "they" because in english am/is/are is already in use. So you can's ask someone to cally you "they" because you are a single person. If you soeak English you can't feel better if someone is referring to you in plural.
So I am, they are.. those words are already taken and has own meaning. No way you feel better when someone call you in plural.
Wow. I cried. I love this family.
As a nobinary person, All of the yes.
Met a few of these freaks 🤮🤮
Intense
This is so beautiful.
I love the fact that your mom said I could call you my duckling because what my adoptive mom calls me is her bunny
Just say mom... Adoptive parents are still "parents"
Cis woman here. This has helped me understand sooooo much. Thank you💕
❤
Crying
In the land riven by conflict and scarcity, the primary concerns are always food and shelter.
In the land of peace where all needs are satisfied, we are at liberty to indulge the mind.
This is one of the most beautiful stories I have heard!
Thus helped me get a better understanding ,thank you
This hit hard 😭💕👍
You can’t go through life depending on someone else’s choices, actions, thoughts or feelings. People are not always going to understand you. They aren’t going to always obey you. Your well-being cannot be contingent on that or else you will almost certainly be unwell.
Bingo
Using they in your sentence is correct, and that is the reason we cant call single person call they. The word already has it meaning.
So beautiful! ❤️❤️
This is beautiful.
brave
RIP for zey
😭😭😭😭😭😭
💛🤍💜🖤
I guess Julius Evola was right about America.
this is a strange mathematics talk. binary mathematics certainly changed since my time in university
I wanted an answer.
Does science have any relation in here?
I heard nothing but nonsense, this entire drama is based on emotional reactions.
emotions are science. Stop acting like they're not a chemical reality.
@@mirafulton1000 emotional reactions are linked to our thoughts and psychological state.
But where is science when we identify a gender?
Is it based on what we feel?
What if your feelings are based on wrong ideas or beliefs?
I don't feel like either gender but I'm going to take T to be a man
so beautiful
Everyone listening to this...how could we not have sympathy for her parents. So sad. Her identity is not real and her parents know something went terribly, terribly wrong.
If they have no other problems in life - good for them.
😂
When the mind disassociates itself from the body, specially gender, it never stops; not even when you transition. You will brag in the new body/form and seem happy for the way you look. Because you think you've found the solution to your inproblem. But later you will realize it's not so, because the new body and the mind will never reconcile. I admire the mother so much for the courage to go on and accepting so bravely, what she cannot change. She loves her daughter and should continue to pray for. I love the poetic demonstration of the event by both mother and daughter.
Whilst your opinion is yours to have and may be true for some you cannot say this is absolute truth for all. Are you even aware you have misgendered this person here in your comment? As a mother going through this situation with my 18 yr old child having just come out as gender non conforming I am in the thick of the learning of changing my language and understanding what it all means and why etc. I do not know your story but I felt your comment shows you have completely missed the whole point of this beautiful exchange.
@@helenknight5261 What exactly does it mean to come out as 'gender nonconforming'? Conforming to what?
@@Mel-wn9gb and why does a person need to “come out as” gender nonconforming? So many of us-perhaps even the majority-are gender nonconforming to some degree or another. That’s why non-binary makes so little sense to me. It’s actually completely meaningless.
@@Mel-wn9gb what society decided it should be, it’s a cultural thing, I made a playlist on my channel explaining the history of it and the science behind it, it’s still wip tho so not all your questions will be answered, but hopefully you can get a better understanding of it
Oh boy
💛🤍💜🖤
Do U just remove everything surgically?
"It takes attention and work". That's what this is really about. Give me attention, make it all about me.
So is Tom boy exeptable in your preferred names lol?
Seems like people gotta learn to be strong. Live life, get your experiences through life, enjoy yourself. You are you, and there's nothing wrong with that. But why worry so much about pronouns? Why does it hurt so much? Or feel the way it feels to be "misgendered"? Life is too short to worry about that, not to mention that if you ever transition, you'll no longer be able to reproduce. Maybe I'm just indoctrinated or some other issue, but i genuinely don't understand anything of this nonbinary concept, doesn't make scientific sense. It seems like it's to the point where we may as well identify by numbers because nobody on the planet is the same as anyone else.
Own yourself, love yourself, take care of yourself. But also consider if it's worth the pain and struggle to be hurt over something like being "misgendered" when instead you can love yourself for who you are.
This start off sad, get almost hopeful but ends sad. Because basing truth emotions kills you. Christ is enough christ knows you. He wants you to know Him so you can know perfect peace perfect love and be saved from this limmit mined often convoluted stuff
What a problem, omg... 😅
So basically man and women!😃
This used to be called androgynous, and we were free to be ourselves, not the commercial advertisement of a woman, but we didn't cut healthy body parts off, trying to be something in our fantasies. We didn't addict ourselves to the pharmaceutical industry, and permanently live on medication, with the poor health that ensued. Good luck. Too bad this trend/fad is so permanent medically.
Actually I'd argue we're heading down the off ramp towards an obscure back road with this sociological Lysenkoism.
Too true. A lot of these people are too young, uneducated or lack perspective to see how ideological and profit driven this movement is.
@@Mel-wn9gb they also haven’t put in the thought necessary to realize how nonsensical and self-contradictory it all is.
I understand where your coming from. And in some instances I agree. Education in gender dysphoria needs to be further explored and shared. And for those diagnosed need to explore multiple coping options before turning to medical procedures
However, I’ll share my own story. For years I was unhappy, I was struggling with depression, derealization and dissociation, anxiety, and insomnia. I couldn’t understand why. All I knew is that I hated myself. I couldn’t look in the mirror, or even take a shower without breaking into tears. I would get dressed in the dark just to avoid looking at myself.
When I was diagnosed with gender dysphoria, I knew it was true. But k was still lost, I had no desire to be the opposite gender and yet my assigned gender caused me so much mental pain.
I work through all of this in therapy for years before learning to accept a non binary gender identity. I still struggle with feeling invalid or what not, and it’s those points where my depression creeps back up.
I got surgery to help my body image and all of a sudden, I noticed the insomnia stopped, the mental breakdowns lessened, my social anxiety was easier to manage, the depression I struggled with felt so small compared to before
Everyone has their own truth. Everyone needs to follow their own path. Surgery isn’t the answer for everyone, but for some it is. Surgery saved my life, for a long time I thought I would never be happy, and I saw no point to trying. But now-a-days, I feel like myself. I feel like I’m no longer trapped within my own body
Gender dysphoria is very complex, and it takes a lifetime to learn to cope with it, and if surgery can help someone cope, then why tell them otherwise
First world problems lol
I know it sure helped me understand non-binary a bit more, and probably helped other non-binary people understand themselves.
It’s not a first world problem. They’re not trying to say it is. They’re sharing a story for those who are willing to listen, and help those who need it most.
Using the threat of suicide to get what you want or need is unethical and shows ignorance about the complexity of suicide, suggestibility and suicide contagion. It's also considered emotional abuse.
I agree that it wasn’t well presented, although it is a real issue maybe not relevant here tho, they didn’t mention if they felt like that :/
Not gonna lie I think non binary is a trend popularized by social media and entertainment, was anyone before the 2010s using singular they/them or identifying as non binary?
gender binary, so that there is only woman or man, is a construct by white, colonialist history. you can check that out.
@@stumblingdancer adam and eve?
I went to university in the early 2000s, we had a non-binary person in a few lectures. So yes, nonbinary has been around for a long time.
@@stumblingdancer
stop using our white, colonist internet please
@@riza3908
I think they said something about gender being a white, colonialist concept.
It's just self-obsession, trying to be different, unique, relevant in this big world where none of us really matters as an individual.
A cry for attention and wanting to be different. We used to have this need met with music, I used to be a punk rocker. It seems those anti-establishment movements in music no longer exists and it turned inward, kids now want to be anti-establisment by changing how people need to treat them. But it's unacceptable by society, punk-rockers know this and accept this, non-binary people seems to want to inform everyone about themselves and how they want to be treated. It's a big difference.
No
@@JerryMetal the good ol' "kids these days" rant... old as time itself. guess what, the kids are ok. punk rockers turned out fine, despite what the parents said. so will this generation, and guess what... the generation after that: totally fine. People have been worried about the next generation forever and EVERY SIGNLE TIME they've been proven wrong.
@@acreklaw i hope so too!
@@acreklaw you can't seriously compare that with taking hormones and chopping off healthy body parts...
I still don't understand non binary and I have a feeling neither do these people.
"If I don't understand what it is, it's not a real thing" Actual facebook boomer logic 😂😂😂😂😂😂 I can see homeschool is doing well for some of yall in the comments
Is they wearing a Pfizer vial as an earring pendant ? That would explain so much.
Portland; tells you all you need to know. Employers beware!
What an emotional available parent 🥹💗
The person identifies with singular. But nevertheless expects from everyone to be refer to by plural? But if you are not? You don’t identify with plural, isn’t that a bit too much to ask everyone to use that plural reference ?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! freaks!
Your self worth and comfort within your skin can't be attained by controlling the thought and speech of others, from manipulating, guilt tripping, threatening, demanding, controlling. It can only come from within. This young woman is in for a world of pain. I feel much worse for her mother though. She's practically grovelling at her daughter's feet to appease her control issues and ideologically driven self obsession. I wouldn't tolerate this from my child.
I hear this a lot from the anti-trans movement "you have to have comfort within" and I understand that idea of thinking but I do think it comes from a miss understanding, or miss framing every day you and I both negotiate our comfort with others our identity every time you correct someone saying your name or telling your kid to call you "mom" or "dad" instead of your given name every time a parent says "I'm your parent, not you friend" its all one big negotiation
the only thing I believe the problem to be is legislation because none of these negotiations are legislated and that's the only way to live, if someone insists you are not a "real mom or brother or Ph.D. holder" you can argue or you can walk away
that's the problem with the trans community right now the inability to walk away
if this was your child groveling is just as bad as shutting them down that how you get a kid that doesn't speak to you
If you’re not ready to love your child for whomever they are, then don’t have one. That person is discovering a part of themselves they never truly understood and now that they do, they want their mother to help them be who they truly are inside, hopefully you’ve seen my other comment, you should go watch the playlist it’ll probably help you understand:)
@@ClicStudio I have two children. One of my children passed away, so I think I know what it means to love a child. Loving your child unconditionally doesn't mean agreeing with everything they think, believe, say or do. If my child wanted to self harm because they bought into a regressive, sexist ideology I wouldn't just passively go along with that. I would question and challenge their thinking so that I could support them to be who they truly are, not who they think they are according to a highly problematic dogma.
@@Mel-wn9gb I’m sorry for your loss, I couldn’t have known. However, gender identity is not a problematic dogma, for whatever that means. I guess I can understand where you’re coming from, my own dad didn’t believe me at first, so I explained to him my thought process and now he understands that it’s not my choice to feel this way, we can’t all correspond to the gender binary that has been established throughout the years. I agree that you can disagree with their views, their beliefs, but you can’t dispute who they are directly and saying that they are wrong to believe to be who they are. I thought that’s what you meant here.
Non-binary is the new emo. Tell me I'm wrong.
You’re wrong
@@honeypot9867 every anxty teen is non binary. My friends daughter is 13, 7/10 of her female friends are apparently non binary. Hahaha.
@@sgilmour47 listen, I was just fulfilling the prophecy. You said « tell me I’m wrong » so I did lol
Yeah not gonna lie I notice most people identifying as non binary are young teenage girls with bright neon dyed hair and nose ring piercings lol
you're absolutely not wrong. we call these girls theyfabs
Genesis 1:27 perfectly describes the entire situation as regards humanity.
This makes no sense
… who is this for? Why is this being filmed? Weird none of us coming out in the 80’s would have recorded much less been on stage to be kicked out of home publicly. I’m sorry but you know yourself your biggest issue is mean tweets.
It's to show a positive example not to deny or devalue less positive experiences you don't have to show your own lack of confidence in this shallow way. I hope you give yourself permission to be happy and make better choices
She is clearly a woman. Society should not be affirming internalized misogyny. This is so depressing.
wtf is wrong with you?
Be open minded to the fact that there is only 2 gender and maybe your conception of them is soo sexist and wrong that you dissociate yourself from your own perception of it.....
This is the biggest nonsense ever!
How so?
Thanks for clarifying how nonsensical and narcissistic the concept of nonbinary is.
I identify as an 🚑 Ambulance. My pronouns are NEEE NOOO NEEE NOO
People like that you can't trust because if they lie about who and what they are they're going to lie about everything else . And that's coming from the experts
🤨
Grammar please
Poor mother....
0:15
I'm writing you because I'm coming out as non-binary.
LOL!
What did the doctor/nurse/midwife who delivered you announce when you came out of your mother's womb? Answer me.
I identify myself as a nuclear submarine.
Ben Shapiro has some interesinting things to tell you all.
I doubt we would ever consider something Ben says to be interesting
Sooo... if we draw a line from M to F, most non-binary people find themselves somewhere along that line. Perhaps not always the same place.
I don't see where "nuclear submarine" sits on that line... So, that would be the "false equivalency" fallacy.
@Nymm Gratton if gender is something that is not based on your biology/Anatomy and based on what you choose to be, then being a human being falls under the same Umberlla. Let's say I Identify myself as a Tiger eventhough I don't have biology/Anatomy, why it's not the same as this ? It's a sickness needed to be cured. Shouldn't be encouraged. Same goes to Obesity movement and many other wokism ideology.
@@iolair1973 right, but if it is a spectrum then it is infinitely divisible meaning that no one isnt non binary. This fallacy is called "fallacy of the beard"
@@josephrichards7624 Except no-one (AFAIK) is saying M and F don't exist at all. The existence of a gender spectrum doesn't stop definitions along that spectrum.
Saga literally says “they” shifted their gender after staying with non conforming gender persons... this is literally madness
Maybe they didn't realize being non-binary was an option or that they related to it until they were around non-binary people. Sometimes others bring aspects of ourselves out that we may not be aware of yet!
Non-binary identities are still not well known in modern western society, so people with these identities often don't have the vocabulary and framework to make sense of how they're feeling until encountering others that have gone there before. And then, everything clicks into place.
(I say "modern western society" because there are and have been societies that do see genders differently).
@@iolair1973 or we could just do away with the navel-gazing narcissism that is ‘gender identity’ and just be gender nonconforming without a label. How does “identifying as non-binary” change *anything* about a person?
Another „not like other girls” woman
There is no such thing as non-binary.