How We Destroyed Our Capacity to Love | Alain de Botton | Google Zeitgeist
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”They are unlikely to make me suffer in the way I need to suffer”- perfect
The voice kept sounding oddly familiar, but only half way through I recognized it. Funny finally having a face to School of Life.
Same
L
0k
This guy has bee makimg his own videos. You guys are late and oblivious. I saw his face years ago.
Romanticism: searching for one soul as a mate
New Age Romanticism: accepting every soul as a potential mate
Compatibility is an achievement of love, not a precondition. Best quote I've heard in a while, and that explains how marriages have been working on for centuries, before life would become so "complicated" as nowadays.
Most people are just too scared to be alone.
They don’t have soulmates; they have fearmates.
nailed it.
"They don’t have soulmates; they have fearmates.
"
And that's exactly what we need.
and what's wrong with that?
@Nick Tubber I was not replying to your comment but to K August
@Nick Tubber Simply, I don't know. When someone makes a claim using words such as 'good' or 'bad' in the meaning of absolutes it triggers me as to why are they so sure?
Having a fearmate might also mean you are both having the same problem and going through it might at the very least be educative in nature and could turn into wonderful growing experience that would fortify the relationship. Having the same problems is like having the same passions in my opinion. It unites.
And what is even soulmate? Do you give this label during the infatuation state that's based on your delusional view of the other? Or do you give this label to your partner after years of living together? If latter, it would be based on your choice rather than based on any extraordinary characteristics of your partner. And even if that feels as such - how many people do you know to that extent and have you spent that amount of time to compare?
Alain de Botton one of my favourite thinkers of our time. What excellence and clarity.
I agree with the wisdom of this but we still need to establish strong boundaries with people so that we don't emotionally bleed out. Accepting someone does not mean you have to accept emotionally unhealthy behaviour
that's a gray line that is difficult to determine, i think everyone is going to have different definitions of what that means exactly. We will probably end up doing what he does and find what childhood gave us as acceptable or not
It is rare to find people who are loving and kind. Learning to tolerate people and their idiosyncrasies is part being an adult but being overly understanding about abusive and exploitative behavior is dangerous and just plain foolish.
Been with a narcissist, have you? I have, with a malignant one, which gave me PTSD. "Boundary" is the most important word in my vocabulary now.
That’s true. Thanks for sharing that it’s a great message :)
@@anakein now, think for a second, what had to happen to them to be that way. And then think for a second if you could know that reason. Finally, think for a second what you can learn from that for the betterment of yourself and your partner.
I dedicate this video to Moe who tried to convince me that love is about loving the same things and having the same interests, and I tried to show him that love is about having different interestand s, sharing them with your partner. That love is about being open to discovering new options, new challenges, and new adventures. Of course, both of us failed despite all the love and passion we shared and still share. My love for you was and is insatiable.
God bless you, Nawel
If you're muslim i think what you get from this man is what you already have
وجعلنا بينكم مودة ورحمة ❤️
😄
Alain de Botton is a super-wise man.
I listen to this daily. And it will be a required listening for any serious potential love partner.
I love this: No one is normal, only the people we do not yet know.
Very true!
Accepting someone doesn't mean that you have to suffer with a self-absorbed or abusive partner. Love is reciprocal, it should go both ways. Of course, you cannot expect the person to have the same level of generosity/compassion, but you're entitled to ask for some in return. By the way, Alain never said, you should do all the work, on the contrary, he did say we should work together to become better versions of ourselves for each other.
ABSOLUTELY 🤗
This guy's talks are awesome 👍
Also, I love the set decoration behind him in this one, GQ 2611.
I love the dude in the audience fist-pumping at 6:29 haha!
Philippe Madec That’s my man ✊🏼
Hands off buddy 🙅🏻♂️
Haha same!
he can relate
I wish the man I love would listen to this, after 9 years together for last few years on and off as he was confused he finally left for the last time and the reason for him was, our outlook is different! He said I am artistic, creative and emotional, and he is logical, steady and introverted! We had beautiful intimacy!!
In the same boat.
I think your man was just making an excuse. If that’s the real reason, you and him would not last so long.
"Love is two crazies getting together." Genius
My key moments: 4:38 (exit romantic assumptions); 4:47 (a decent human being); 4:53 (deeply corrupt); 5:24-41 (all of us are imperfect, therefore we need to go easy on each other, that is what love is); 5:46 (easy to live with?); 5:56 (No one is easy to live with.); 6:43-8:12 (instinct); 8:15 (communication, secrets); 10:37 (education, true love is about education); 11:20 (alarm bell :-) ); 11:54 (those who love us have to criticize us); 12:04 (Plato); 12:52 (true love is seeking the best for the other person); 13:14 (not a feeling, but a skill); 13:30 (learning tips: 2-y-old child); 14:28 (reasons people are difficult: have not eaten, tired, need rest, were treated badly); 14:45 (lovable idiot); 16:29 (choice to be made); 17:23-50 (compatible person, 17:45 - intolerance, compatibility = achievement); 18:04 (when you are ready for love - summary of the talk)
10:37 and 17:45 are the two most important points
As always these advices are perfect! The most conscious teacher!
The problem is when you start to be a patient teacher, treating your partner as a child, you become SO comfortable for other side, that it turns unnecessary for him/her to force itself the same way. Really, you never complain, never judge, always have an argument to explain his or her errors or falts. And so appears the union between
a rider and a horse that carries both the rider and all his "possessions" on its back.
Any effort must be done iqually from both sides.
Indeed, love is not only built on top of sexual/romantic attraction, but also the energy, time and patience that is put into improving and learning about each other and fixing the cracks along the way, which a lot of times is definitely not fun. However, this is exactly where the beauty and meaning of love lies, which is, regardless of our differences, the difficulties we have encountered or will encounter, we still choose to stay with each other and love each other.
And absolutely I love Alain's humour btw xd
If you think you love someone or if you think someone loves you, both you and the other person intention is to control the other person, that is if you want to be honest.
You control the one you love... It's true...
bravo and such fun, quite true also ....
Wow!!! I really enjoyed this talk, it concentrates SOOO MANY truths about relationships.... will search for more talks by Alain de Botton...
He's a smart cookie that one 👏
" You will find your soulmate by intuition, maybe in a masked ball or in a conference". Romeo andJuliet met at a masked ball.
He's given it a lot of thought. Worth a listen.
Enlightening and put in a nutshell... Thanks! :-)
We take our cues from what love is from the outside. He is so amazing!
I'd got to watch it over and over again!!
Loved it.
Wow! Very powerful! Thank you!
Great talk !
I fully agree with the fact that we should work together to become better versions of ourselves for each other.
Love sounds exhausting. Can I get the equivalent in a pill?
MDMA but doesn't last very long
@@Kubaaano What? No timed release version? Sad.
Is there a Colesnotes version? A movie?
Oxytocin 😊
@@serenoakley works for me. 😉
I love his talks.
Alain de Botton is a rare soul ❤
Watching the reactions of the couples in the audience is so damn funny!
Gosh.. such a vital information delivered in beautiful voice. Bless you
BRILLIANT.
Lovely and fun to listen to :) and Wise!
Underbar lyssning... minns fortfarande den där frågan.... som nån ställde en gång för nu längesen ;) å jag undrade detsamma, om honom då. För det var inte jag som inte släppte taget då, n'ä!
Great talk, loved it.
Greg Braden - Your heart is you second brain and love keeps you young
Absolutely great love information
Thank you :)
He is an amazing author.
haha I love the title, VERY Alain de Botton.
I love this guy
I LOVE this!
19:37 to end :-)) "How to learn how to love" - the important bit!
Stephen Lawrence thank u!
I watched this once a week for the last month.
To truly love someone
Is to love anyone
The love the bible talks about is 4 different Greek words used for love Agape has been expounded on by many Christian writers in a specifically Christian context. C. S. Lewis uses agape in The Four Loves to describe what he believes is the highest level of love known to humanity: a selfless love that is passionately committed to the well-being of others
Such a good talk
great talk as always!
Isabel C.M he has a TH-cam channel it’s called The School Of Life, check it out great stuff on there.
@@cedricsamuels5055 yup I know thanks ;) I follow it
🙂
That's what spirituality teaches us about love in the east
This is pure wisdom!
Beautiful ♥️
de Botton get's to the "bottom of it". Many regards.
I would agree with what Mr. Botton says - that what is intuitive is what we experienced in childhood. I wonder, however, where the bit that we have before we are born comes from. Our 'spirit' - how does that appear in our intuition? And how strong does it feature, relative to our psychological priming?
This I wonder about too. For me it is instinct to fall back into a childhood pattern - after analysing this I understood about what my deficiency is. But, I also recall carrying a lot of my own needs even before actually hearing any romantic concept like soulmates. As in I had my own conditioning that applied to choices I made in love which was not simply a replication of my early childhood interactions. Also I believe romanticism in eastern cultures go way back relative to that of European and it is not something I feel one can completely discount. Nor can instinct be discounted.
I recognize his voice is the guy that makes the voice for the School of Life Channel !
Yes that is his yt channel
@@zahrasaeed2584 yup
I guess he must have absorbed a bit here and there while he was in the studio ;)
th-cam.com/play/PLxRuhrcSjnv2weFRcqOeCpk4Wy7_hay2j.html
My wife and I had at arrangements marriage ,it’s been 15years now and we are very happy and love .god bless us with 3 children
I always said romantic marriage don’t work because when romance is gone your partner is gone too.
Real love only excite in book
I wanna hear what SHE has to say about it lol
@@yohanmavrick892 what if she said the same thing? Would you feel stupid? Why would you ask him this question but nobody else in the comment thread?
The Song of Solomon was written 1000 (B.C.E)A king writes of his rejection by a beautiful young woman in love with a poor shepherd.
Did he behead the sheep boy? 😂 🐑 👦🏻 🔪
Blind faith in others is not true love but trying to understand others is true form of love.
Trying to understand others can't produce hate or fear except love and kindness in us.
In the first couple of minutes or more he explains how my mother and father met and they really didn`t talk too much with each other right from the start. When she told me that I was astonished. Also, they maintained that type of communication throughout their marriage. I do not recommend that. Better to talk everything out. They never divorced, though. Probably because my father was so forbearing.
He is amazing…🤔🤔🤔
It always makes me astound when I hear american talking about this and that best selling author. In the rest of the world, best can be only one, but in america, every second writer is best selling. You go on amazon and you can find thousands of "best selling books". Every one is getting a gold medal.
He isn't American
@@treyshaffer I was referring to speaker who introduced him. Because if he says that this author is "best selling" they will listen more. In america high volume means guarantee of quality.
"Best selling" is marketing gimmick
Ok martin, and what crappy country are you from?
@@PolishBehemoth What my country of origin has to do with this topic? Best can be only one. Not every second book on the shelf. Or me being from some developing country means that my argument is irrelevant? Every time I see on USA channels promoting some book it is always best selling. There are only super successful authors in America. Everyone gets a medal.
I also clapped while watching at home.
Awesome talk! Who is the host btw?
Just came across this one, and I recognized some of what you said as you've mentioned it in other talks and lectures, i.e. seeing your partner as a child in order to overlook some of their follies.
However, what if it's something more fundamental, like total opposition in political point of view to the extent that it's embarrassing to see his recent Facebook posts? We're both quite 'old' (he in early 60 and me in mid 50).
Neither of us will ever change by now, so...
That's intolerance!
All of this.... is so true! 😂
Alain de Botton and his School of Life is such a great idea that when he speaks at Google (such an evil company) I feel that they do not match at all.
Inaccurate on the criticism point. A lot people do that to bash someone's self-esteem because they want to bring them down to their level. It's like tall poppy syndrome. Ppl get jealous of people who seem greater, smarter, better than them, because it seems amplify their unrealized potential or how they f*ed up their destiny, so to insult someone u secretly envy...e.g. make them appear incompetent at work/downgrade their abilities and accomplishments thus getting them to act undignified, antisocial or destructive is satisfying. To see a person who has never harmed u destroy themselves and fall from grace brings comfort to haters. Humans are "appalling", he was definitely right ✅ about that part. Co-habitation is not all it's cracked up to be! Another person will not complete you!. Better to be single and be mostly at peace.
What about if your partner is an abusive narcissist? How far can/should you extend your charity and tolerance then?
Love is a matter of time and shared experiences?
Yeah, it is a big part of it. Any relationship grows more stronger and precious through time spend on it and experience had together in agood way.
I leraned that in psychotherapy (which helped me very much) and found it to be true.
@@dasmorbo3508 It seems like that could overcome bad experiences that they have inflicted on each other in the past. Unless they were repeated. Only if it is one of those immutable things, though.
It does seem to be how I fell in love, MTN17.
I would be careful with a titles as such as they may be affirmative... how we can re learn to love as an alternative? 🙏❤️
I find that there are “lovers” who “seem” like experts with silver tongues which trick you into thinking that they do “know”. Becareful.
So if love is not the instinct and not the compatibility .. what is it then??
Exactly
I am deeply troubled by an argument that says we should devalue love, in whatever form. The Romantics can best be understood, not by what they extolled--"romantic" love was only one of many things they fancied, the others being Nature, history, the Orient, drugs, etc.--but by what they feared. They feared the onrush of an increasingly inhuman society dominated by machines and machine-thinking, and they ran away from it.
In practice, very few people actually believe in soulmates anymore, and those who do often outgrow it, or find ever increasing understanding over time. This is a complex subject best dealt with by lived experience, not love theorists.
I disagree. There's a lot of Information that points to soul mates
and this is how the cookie crumbles
Love = two paychecks.
❤️
It's either due to:
[ ] Eating garlic too often
[ ] "Living" in an antisocial rabotnik culture for over three decades
You learn about love from your mother not romantics
Rushed lectures are never as effective... great ideas but the rush simply makes it confusing
Exactly, talking way to fast to be communicating anything worthwhile.
yup he is right!
is it a skill and not a state of being?........ Maybe....
masticating in a bovine way
10:59 😂😂😂
If someone loved this man they wouldn't let him go out with his hair like that.
I would always talk to him about what bothered me and he simply didn’t have the capacity for empathy. He always found a way to twist around whatever I said and make it somehow my own fault
For example: How can his flirting with other women be my fault?
He was so narcissistic he couldn’t admit to any wrong doing. In his mind, he believes he is not wrong.
He believes that as long as he knows he only wants me, flirting is harmless. But this notion comes from his own perspective.
Empathy is the ability to put yourself in the place of another. To me, seeing him flirt with someone else causes pain, it makes me feel less desirable and thus it is wrong to do that to a partner.
The Good Choice narcissist men are the hardest people to reason with. Even with the most proof and explanation for your feelings, it’s never the truth for them or reasonable. It’s exhausting! I promise myself I’ll never put myself through that again
God bless you, TGC. 😊
17:48
Bane
Money and job - no time for love, time - you will crash with money and crash your love.
This guy wrote a book called Religion for Atheists - Alain de Botton . the issue well could be that people made religion are as we all know or should evil greedy and the most broken make religion and seek to rule over others but God unlike man is love in its truest form and very real and can if seeked mend guide and evidently save us from our selfs .that inner voice that tell one to get out of a most likely bad upcoming situation and basicly repetes ten commandments to us via spirit. In modernism educated type circulars seems to need to ignore guard them selves from the spiritual nature of this world .is it dark voices in their head fear or the whole lot ? only they know i hope any how sooner the better wen they realize they can talk with a loving creator God and Jesus and be vonerable to him and the holy spirit , folks see that side they say it`s more real than were we are at now in this form any way
...and a horse, especially the better breeds , white preferably, adds hugely to the love concept. Oh and a guitar
Title isn't exactly correct
Some things I've thought about re: love. I prefer to use "I like you!" instead of throwing the "I love you" around. So called, "Holy Matrimony", do some research and you will find that this is an invention of the Roman Church and has no backing from the Bible. Marriage used to be a social agreement and or an agreement between parents. Why should government dictate that you need a 'marriage license'? I was with a woman for 22 years and she was sick for approx. half that time, frustrating sure, but I didn't think to toss her in the streets. I "Loved" her through her problems, then she disappeared on me. Thank you!
Daycare and school teaches hate
5:27 this is really incredible point from an atheist Jew. So even the concept of original sin is evident in even the most atheist and humanist points of view. Maybe the bible was right? Idk... I don't wanna get hate.
Nobody will make u better version off yourself if u are alredy not good enough version od yourself.
Totally agreed: stop with fake romanticism, come down to the Earth!
So many gurus and so little time. Who shall I follow this week? Will I retain enough common sense to sort the wheat from the chaff? I hope I can still parse the complex sentences. Sometimes old sayings help like - a cow and a wife should be from one's own country - or - fair words won't butter any parsnips.