Compatibility is an achievement of love, not a precondition. Best quote I've heard in a while, and that explains how marriages have been working on for centuries, before life would become so "complicated" as nowadays.
@Nick Tubber Simply, I don't know. When someone makes a claim using words such as 'good' or 'bad' in the meaning of absolutes it triggers me as to why are they so sure? Having a fearmate might also mean you are both having the same problem and going through it might at the very least be educative in nature and could turn into wonderful growing experience that would fortify the relationship. Having the same problems is like having the same passions in my opinion. It unites. And what is even soulmate? Do you give this label during the infatuation state that's based on your delusional view of the other? Or do you give this label to your partner after years of living together? If latter, it would be based on your choice rather than based on any extraordinary characteristics of your partner. And even if that feels as such - how many people do you know to that extent and have you spent that amount of time to compare?
I dedicate this video to Moe who tried to convince me that love is about loving the same things and having the same interests, and I tried to show him that love is about having different interestand s, sharing them with your partner. That love is about being open to discovering new options, new challenges, and new adventures. Of course, both of us failed despite all the love and passion we shared and still share. My love for you was and is insatiable.
My key moments: 4:38 (exit romantic assumptions); 4:47 (a decent human being); 4:53 (deeply corrupt); 5:24-41 (all of us are imperfect, therefore we need to go easy on each other, that is what love is); 5:46 (easy to live with?); 5:56 (No one is easy to live with.); 6:43-8:12 (instinct); 8:15 (communication, secrets); 10:37 (education, true love is about education); 11:20 (alarm bell :-) ); 11:54 (those who love us have to criticize us); 12:04 (Plato); 12:52 (true love is seeking the best for the other person); 13:14 (not a feeling, but a skill); 13:30 (learning tips: 2-y-old child); 14:28 (reasons people are difficult: have not eaten, tired, need rest, were treated badly); 14:45 (lovable idiot); 16:29 (choice to be made); 17:23-50 (compatible person, 17:45 - intolerance, compatibility = achievement); 18:04 (when you are ready for love - summary of the talk)
I agree with the wisdom of this but we still need to establish strong boundaries with people so that we don't emotionally bleed out. Accepting someone does not mean you have to accept emotionally unhealthy behaviour
that's a gray line that is difficult to determine, i think everyone is going to have different definitions of what that means exactly. We will probably end up doing what he does and find what childhood gave us as acceptable or not
It is rare to find people who are loving and kind. Learning to tolerate people and their idiosyncrasies is part being an adult but being overly understanding about abusive and exploitative behavior is dangerous and just plain foolish.
@@anakein now, think for a second, what had to happen to them to be that way. And then think for a second if you could know that reason. Finally, think for a second what you can learn from that for the betterment of yourself and your partner.
I wish the man I love would listen to this, after 9 years together for last few years on and off as he was confused he finally left for the last time and the reason for him was, our outlook is different! He said I am artistic, creative and emotional, and he is logical, steady and introverted! We had beautiful intimacy!!
As always these advices are perfect! The most conscious teacher! The problem is when you start to be a patient teacher, treating your partner as a child, you become SO comfortable for other side, that it turns unnecessary for him/her to force itself the same way. Really, you never complain, never judge, always have an argument to explain his or her errors or falts. And so appears the union between a rider and a horse that carries both the rider and all his "possessions" on its back. Any effort must be done iqually from both sides.
Accepting someone doesn't mean that you have to suffer with a self-absorbed or abusive partner. Love is reciprocal, it should go both ways. Of course, you cannot expect the person to have the same level of generosity/compassion, but you're entitled to ask for some in return. By the way, Alain never said, you should do all the work, on the contrary, he did say we should work together to become better versions of ourselves for each other.
Indeed, love is not only built on top of sexual/romantic attraction, but also the energy, time and patience that is put into improving and learning about each other and fixing the cracks along the way, which a lot of times is definitely not fun. However, this is exactly where the beauty and meaning of love lies, which is, regardless of our differences, the difficulties we have encountered or will encounter, we still choose to stay with each other and love each other.
If you think you love someone or if you think someone loves you, both you and the other person intention is to control the other person, that is if you want to be honest.
The love the bible talks about is 4 different Greek words used for love Agape has been expounded on by many Christian writers in a specifically Christian context. C. S. Lewis uses agape in The Four Loves to describe what he believes is the highest level of love known to humanity: a selfless love that is passionately committed to the well-being of others
I would agree with what Mr. Botton says - that what is intuitive is what we experienced in childhood. I wonder, however, where the bit that we have before we are born comes from. Our 'spirit' - how does that appear in our intuition? And how strong does it feature, relative to our psychological priming?
This I wonder about too. For me it is instinct to fall back into a childhood pattern - after analysing this I understood about what my deficiency is. But, I also recall carrying a lot of my own needs even before actually hearing any romantic concept like soulmates. As in I had my own conditioning that applied to choices I made in love which was not simply a replication of my early childhood interactions. Also I believe romanticism in eastern cultures go way back relative to that of European and it is not something I feel one can completely discount. Nor can instinct be discounted.
Blind faith in others is not true love but trying to understand others is true form of love. Trying to understand others can't produce hate or fear except love and kindness in us.
My wife and I had at arrangements marriage ,it’s been 15years now and we are very happy and love .god bless us with 3 children I always said romantic marriage don’t work because when romance is gone your partner is gone too. Real love only excite in book
In the first couple of minutes or more he explains how my mother and father met and they really didn`t talk too much with each other right from the start. When she told me that I was astonished. Also, they maintained that type of communication throughout their marriage. I do not recommend that. Better to talk everything out. They never divorced, though. Probably because my father was so forbearing.
It always makes me astound when I hear american talking about this and that best selling author. In the rest of the world, best can be only one, but in america, every second writer is best selling. You go on amazon and you can find thousands of "best selling books". Every one is getting a gold medal.
@@treyshaffer I was referring to speaker who introduced him. Because if he says that this author is "best selling" they will listen more. In america high volume means guarantee of quality.
@@PolishBehemoth What my country of origin has to do with this topic? Best can be only one. Not every second book on the shelf. Or me being from some developing country means that my argument is irrelevant? Every time I see on USA channels promoting some book it is always best selling. There are only super successful authors in America. Everyone gets a medal.
Inaccurate on the criticism point. A lot people do that to bash someone's self-esteem because they want to bring them down to their level. It's like tall poppy syndrome. Ppl get jealous of people who seem greater, smarter, better than them, because it seems amplify their unrealized potential or how they f*ed up their destiny, so to insult someone u secretly envy...e.g. make them appear incompetent at work/downgrade their abilities and accomplishments thus getting them to act undignified, antisocial or destructive is satisfying. To see a person who has never harmed u destroy themselves and fall from grace brings comfort to haters. Humans are "appalling", he was definitely right ✅ about that part. Co-habitation is not all it's cracked up to be! Another person will not complete you!. Better to be single and be mostly at peace.
Lovely and fun to listen to :) and Wise! Underbar lyssning... minns fortfarande den där frågan.... som nån ställde en gång för nu längesen ;) å jag undrade detsamma, om honom då. För det var inte jag som inte släppte taget då, n'ä!
Just came across this one, and I recognized some of what you said as you've mentioned it in other talks and lectures, i.e. seeing your partner as a child in order to overlook some of their follies. However, what if it's something more fundamental, like total opposition in political point of view to the extent that it's embarrassing to see his recent Facebook posts? We're both quite 'old' (he in early 60 and me in mid 50). Neither of us will ever change by now, so...
I am deeply troubled by an argument that says we should devalue love, in whatever form. The Romantics can best be understood, not by what they extolled--"romantic" love was only one of many things they fancied, the others being Nature, history, the Orient, drugs, etc.--but by what they feared. They feared the onrush of an increasingly inhuman society dominated by machines and machine-thinking, and they ran away from it. In practice, very few people actually believe in soulmates anymore, and those who do often outgrow it, or find ever increasing understanding over time. This is a complex subject best dealt with by lived experience, not love theorists.
Yeah, it is a big part of it. Any relationship grows more stronger and precious through time spend on it and experience had together in agood way. I leraned that in psychotherapy (which helped me very much) and found it to be true.
@@dasmorbo3508 It seems like that could overcome bad experiences that they have inflicted on each other in the past. Unless they were repeated. Only if it is one of those immutable things, though.
I would always talk to him about what bothered me and he simply didn’t have the capacity for empathy. He always found a way to twist around whatever I said and make it somehow my own fault For example: How can his flirting with other women be my fault? He was so narcissistic he couldn’t admit to any wrong doing. In his mind, he believes he is not wrong. He believes that as long as he knows he only wants me, flirting is harmless. But this notion comes from his own perspective. Empathy is the ability to put yourself in the place of another. To me, seeing him flirt with someone else causes pain, it makes me feel less desirable and thus it is wrong to do that to a partner.
The Good Choice narcissist men are the hardest people to reason with. Even with the most proof and explanation for your feelings, it’s never the truth for them or reasonable. It’s exhausting! I promise myself I’ll never put myself through that again
So many gurus and so little time. Who shall I follow this week? Will I retain enough common sense to sort the wheat from the chaff? I hope I can still parse the complex sentences. Sometimes old sayings help like - a cow and a wife should be from one's own country - or - fair words won't butter any parsnips.
His humorous stories about romantic love are funny but it's one sided. when faced with our 3 billion year old instincts or our rational calculating neo cortex, I recon evolution (Or the force that gave rise to us) that gives us instinct is a safer bet. Rational calculation gives our military leader reasoned ideas like MAD. Mutually Assured Destruction. And game theory, and rational calculation that is used in economic decisions based on utilitarion ethics that leave whole populations starving. I say it's our faith in reason that is our biggest mistake and a reconnection with nature is our biggest chance of salvation.
To a degree yes, if you meant to say people should start taking their limbic system seriously then yes, he said a whole lot of nothing, what do you think hook-up culture does to brain? or i should put it like : What do you think over-stimulation with dopamine causes brain to experience, eventually develop, and to what extent do you think it goes?
Yet look at permanent city dwellers and religious ideologues. They are likely linear thinkers. A lot of people don’t realize that we are nature, not just in it.
Some things I've thought about re: love. I prefer to use "I like you!" instead of throwing the "I love you" around. So called, "Holy Matrimony", do some research and you will find that this is an invention of the Roman Church and has no backing from the Bible. Marriage used to be a social agreement and or an agreement between parents. Why should government dictate that you need a 'marriage license'? I was with a woman for 22 years and she was sick for approx. half that time, frustrating sure, but I didn't think to toss her in the streets. I "Loved" her through her problems, then she disappeared on me. Thank you!
5:27 this is really incredible point from an atheist Jew. So even the concept of original sin is evident in even the most atheist and humanist points of view. Maybe the bible was right? Idk... I don't wanna get hate.
This guy wrote a book called Religion for Atheists - Alain de Botton . the issue well could be that people made religion are as we all know or should evil greedy and the most broken make religion and seek to rule over others but God unlike man is love in its truest form and very real and can if seeked mend guide and evidently save us from our selfs .that inner voice that tell one to get out of a most likely bad upcoming situation and basicly repetes ten commandments to us via spirit. In modernism educated type circulars seems to need to ignore guard them selves from the spiritual nature of this world .is it dark voices in their head fear or the whole lot ? only they know i hope any how sooner the better wen they realize they can talk with a loving creator God and Jesus and be vonerable to him and the holy spirit , folks see that side they say it`s more real than were we are at now in this form any way
It seems like his faith in Rationalism has spilled over into an attack on Feelings and mood. Ie emotions and moods and insticts and intuitions are of lesser importance than rational calculation. Yet it's our delving into rationalism that is leaving our world an unhabitable mess. It's our separation from nature, our denial of intuition that is killing us and the planet we live on.
I disagree. Rationalism should supersede self interest. Romanticism is grounded in self interest; my dream, my love, me.. Alain preaches loving in a more selfless, accepting and less judgemental way. Not perfect by any stretch but less deceptive than the trappings of romanticism
@@sendittoherlihy You say romanticism is grounded in self interest. Im not refering to that narrow definition of self. More like Heideggers idea of Being-in-the-world where there is no distinction between the two. Me and world are one and the same in this regard. The view you are refering to is, i believe one of separation . Ie cartesian subject and world as object. Herein lies our hubris. I recomend try partaking of natures medicines as done some by some tribal peoples (ie Ayawhasca )and see if the perturbation and dissolution of culturally programmed views helps with a fresh perspective.
@@ItsHeebyGeeby You never mentioned self in your comment, I did in my reply but I specified 'self interest'. I'm not defining self at all. I'm thinking in more widely. No disrespect to Heidigger but it's a mass of people that have made our planet the uninhabitable mess you refer to and most of them know nothing of philosophy. For the most part, the masses worship self interest over rationality and logic and, know virtually nothing of Heidigger's teachings. Perhaps it might be wise to consider this next time you attempt to purge your hubris with ayahuasca
sendittoherlihy thinking that rationalism should supersede self-interest is romanticism disguised. This only works if you equate rationalism to disinterest or complete selflessness, which is not in the structure of most mammals. So that leaves Romanticism in all its self- interest...Unless there is a middle-ground. Tribal self-interest?
N L there is no "virtue". "Virtue" is a polarizing idea, directly from the institutions you mention. You must refer to human history in a very ancient way in order to uncover truths not overshadowed by dogma/doctrine/and philosphy. Its a mistake to look to aforementioned institutions for moral code. Morality and virtue can be used as descriptors for behavior that best supports the egalitarian system of survival (to a degree) in humans. I don't believe they can be used as benchmarks for human social survival, as history shows us the folly of "misinterpreting" morality and virtue (embodied in warfare, classicism, poverty, religious persecution etc).
A mother goes through average 8 hours of severe pain then there you are in her arms and she loves you. That’s love and it’s not a skill it’s nature trusting you with another being that depends on your love for their survival. If you never felt this then shut up
sillybillybadboy the mere tone of this reply shouts that men don’t do this resource provision from a place of love so enough said. The men in jail is the sons of fathers that deserted them genes and environment.
@sillybillybadboy Yes, half the men (the good men out there) with a family contribute to their families in every way they can and I'm sure they are greatly appreciated for their care and love, but way too often, there are men out there who have families for all the wrong reasons, and treat the people in their lives who love them, like possessions. What of these men? Just yesterday... th-cam.com/video/idvyP3fjNII/w-d-xo.html
”They are unlikely to make me suffer in the way I need to suffer”- perfect
Compatibility is an achievement of love, not a precondition. Best quote I've heard in a while, and that explains how marriages have been working on for centuries, before life would become so "complicated" as nowadays.
The voice kept sounding oddly familiar, but only half way through I recognized it. Funny finally having a face to School of Life.
Same
L
0k
This guy has bee makimg his own videos. You guys are late and oblivious. I saw his face years ago.
Alain de Botton one of my favourite thinkers of our time. What excellence and clarity.
Most people are just too scared to be alone.
They don’t have soulmates; they have fearmates.
nailed it.
"They don’t have soulmates; they have fearmates.
"
And that's exactly what we need.
and what's wrong with that?
@Nick Tubber I was not replying to your comment but to K August
@Nick Tubber Simply, I don't know. When someone makes a claim using words such as 'good' or 'bad' in the meaning of absolutes it triggers me as to why are they so sure?
Having a fearmate might also mean you are both having the same problem and going through it might at the very least be educative in nature and could turn into wonderful growing experience that would fortify the relationship. Having the same problems is like having the same passions in my opinion. It unites.
And what is even soulmate? Do you give this label during the infatuation state that's based on your delusional view of the other? Or do you give this label to your partner after years of living together? If latter, it would be based on your choice rather than based on any extraordinary characteristics of your partner. And even if that feels as such - how many people do you know to that extent and have you spent that amount of time to compare?
I dedicate this video to Moe who tried to convince me that love is about loving the same things and having the same interests, and I tried to show him that love is about having different interestand s, sharing them with your partner. That love is about being open to discovering new options, new challenges, and new adventures. Of course, both of us failed despite all the love and passion we shared and still share. My love for you was and is insatiable.
God bless you, Nawel
Romanticism: searching for one soul as a mate
New Age Romanticism: accepting every soul as a potential mate
My key moments: 4:38 (exit romantic assumptions); 4:47 (a decent human being); 4:53 (deeply corrupt); 5:24-41 (all of us are imperfect, therefore we need to go easy on each other, that is what love is); 5:46 (easy to live with?); 5:56 (No one is easy to live with.); 6:43-8:12 (instinct); 8:15 (communication, secrets); 10:37 (education, true love is about education); 11:20 (alarm bell :-) ); 11:54 (those who love us have to criticize us); 12:04 (Plato); 12:52 (true love is seeking the best for the other person); 13:14 (not a feeling, but a skill); 13:30 (learning tips: 2-y-old child); 14:28 (reasons people are difficult: have not eaten, tired, need rest, were treated badly); 14:45 (lovable idiot); 16:29 (choice to be made); 17:23-50 (compatible person, 17:45 - intolerance, compatibility = achievement); 18:04 (when you are ready for love - summary of the talk)
10:37 and 17:45 are the two most important points
I agree with the wisdom of this but we still need to establish strong boundaries with people so that we don't emotionally bleed out. Accepting someone does not mean you have to accept emotionally unhealthy behaviour
that's a gray line that is difficult to determine, i think everyone is going to have different definitions of what that means exactly. We will probably end up doing what he does and find what childhood gave us as acceptable or not
It is rare to find people who are loving and kind. Learning to tolerate people and their idiosyncrasies is part being an adult but being overly understanding about abusive and exploitative behavior is dangerous and just plain foolish.
Been with a narcissist, have you? I have, with a malignant one, which gave me PTSD. "Boundary" is the most important word in my vocabulary now.
That’s true. Thanks for sharing that it’s a great message :)
@@anakein now, think for a second, what had to happen to them to be that way. And then think for a second if you could know that reason. Finally, think for a second what you can learn from that for the betterment of yourself and your partner.
I listen to this daily. And it will be a required listening for any serious potential love partner.
I wish the man I love would listen to this, after 9 years together for last few years on and off as he was confused he finally left for the last time and the reason for him was, our outlook is different! He said I am artistic, creative and emotional, and he is logical, steady and introverted! We had beautiful intimacy!!
In the same boat.
I think your man was just making an excuse. If that’s the real reason, you and him would not last so long.
Alain de Botton is a super-wise man.
I love this: No one is normal, only the people we do not yet know.
Very true!
As always these advices are perfect! The most conscious teacher!
The problem is when you start to be a patient teacher, treating your partner as a child, you become SO comfortable for other side, that it turns unnecessary for him/her to force itself the same way. Really, you never complain, never judge, always have an argument to explain his or her errors or falts. And so appears the union between
a rider and a horse that carries both the rider and all his "possessions" on its back.
Any effort must be done iqually from both sides.
This guy's talks are awesome 👍
Also, I love the set decoration behind him in this one, GQ 2611.
Accepting someone doesn't mean that you have to suffer with a self-absorbed or abusive partner. Love is reciprocal, it should go both ways. Of course, you cannot expect the person to have the same level of generosity/compassion, but you're entitled to ask for some in return. By the way, Alain never said, you should do all the work, on the contrary, he did say we should work together to become better versions of ourselves for each other.
ABSOLUTELY 🤗
If you're muslim i think what you get from this man is what you already have
وجعلنا بينكم مودة ورحمة ❤️
😄
Wow!!! I really enjoyed this talk, it concentrates SOOO MANY truths about relationships.... will search for more talks by Alain de Botton...
"Love is two crazies getting together." Genius
We take our cues from what love is from the outside. He is so amazing!
Indeed, love is not only built on top of sexual/romantic attraction, but also the energy, time and patience that is put into improving and learning about each other and fixing the cracks along the way, which a lot of times is definitely not fun. However, this is exactly where the beauty and meaning of love lies, which is, regardless of our differences, the difficulties we have encountered or will encounter, we still choose to stay with each other and love each other.
And absolutely I love Alain's humour btw xd
He's given it a lot of thought. Worth a listen.
If you think you love someone or if you think someone loves you, both you and the other person intention is to control the other person, that is if you want to be honest.
You control the one you love... It's true...
YES! Excellent✨ Thank you 🌼 Alain de Botton.
He's a smart cookie that one 👏
Great talk !
I fully agree with the fact that we should work together to become better versions of ourselves for each other.
Love sounds exhausting. Can I get the equivalent in a pill?
MDMA but doesn't last very long
@@Kubaaano What? No timed release version? Sad.
Is there a Colesnotes version? A movie?
Oxytocin 😊
@@serenoakley works for me. 😉
bravo and such fun, quite true also ....
" You will find your soulmate by intuition, maybe in a masked ball or in a conference". Romeo andJuliet met at a masked ball.
The love the bible talks about is 4 different Greek words used for love Agape has been expounded on by many Christian writers in a specifically Christian context. C. S. Lewis uses agape in The Four Loves to describe what he believes is the highest level of love known to humanity: a selfless love that is passionately committed to the well-being of others
19:37 to end :-)) "How to learn how to love" - the important bit!
Stephen Lawrence thank u!
Greg Braden - Your heart is you second brain and love keeps you young
I would agree with what Mr. Botton says - that what is intuitive is what we experienced in childhood. I wonder, however, where the bit that we have before we are born comes from. Our 'spirit' - how does that appear in our intuition? And how strong does it feature, relative to our psychological priming?
This I wonder about too. For me it is instinct to fall back into a childhood pattern - after analysing this I understood about what my deficiency is. But, I also recall carrying a lot of my own needs even before actually hearing any romantic concept like soulmates. As in I had my own conditioning that applied to choices I made in love which was not simply a replication of my early childhood interactions. Also I believe romanticism in eastern cultures go way back relative to that of European and it is not something I feel one can completely discount. Nor can instinct be discounted.
The Song of Solomon was written 1000 (B.C.E)A king writes of his rejection by a beautiful young woman in love with a poor shepherd.
Did he behead the sheep boy? 😂 🐑 👦🏻 🔪
That's what spirituality teaches us about love in the east
Gosh.. such a vital information delivered in beautiful voice. Bless you
de Botton get's to the "bottom of it". Many regards.
I love the dude in the audience fist-pumping at 6:29 haha!
Philippe Madec That’s my man ✊🏼
Hands off buddy 🙅🏻♂️
Haha same!
he can relate
I watched this once a week for the last month.
Blind faith in others is not true love but trying to understand others is true form of love.
Trying to understand others can't produce hate or fear except love and kindness in us.
My wife and I had at arrangements marriage ,it’s been 15years now and we are very happy and love .god bless us with 3 children
I always said romantic marriage don’t work because when romance is gone your partner is gone too.
Real love only excite in book
I wanna hear what SHE has to say about it lol
@@yohanmavrick892 what if she said the same thing? Would you feel stupid? Why would you ask him this question but nobody else in the comment thread?
To truly love someone
Is to love anyone
I recognize his voice is the guy that makes the voice for the School of Life Channel !
Yes that is his yt channel
@@zahrasaeed2584 yup
I guess he must have absorbed a bit here and there while he was in the studio ;)
th-cam.com/play/PLxRuhrcSjnv2weFRcqOeCpk4Wy7_hay2j.html
I'd got to watch it over and over again!!
Watching the reactions of the couples in the audience is so damn funny!
In the first couple of minutes or more he explains how my mother and father met and they really didn`t talk too much with each other right from the start. When she told me that I was astonished. Also, they maintained that type of communication throughout their marriage. I do not recommend that. Better to talk everything out. They never divorced, though. Probably because my father was so forbearing.
What about if your partner is an abusive narcissist? How far can/should you extend your charity and tolerance then?
Enlightening and put in a nutshell... Thanks! :-)
It always makes me astound when I hear american talking about this and that best selling author. In the rest of the world, best can be only one, but in america, every second writer is best selling. You go on amazon and you can find thousands of "best selling books". Every one is getting a gold medal.
He isn't American
@@treyshaffer I was referring to speaker who introduced him. Because if he says that this author is "best selling" they will listen more. In america high volume means guarantee of quality.
"Best selling" is marketing gimmick
Ok martin, and what crappy country are you from?
@@PolishBehemoth What my country of origin has to do with this topic? Best can be only one. Not every second book on the shelf. Or me being from some developing country means that my argument is irrelevant? Every time I see on USA channels promoting some book it is always best selling. There are only super successful authors in America. Everyone gets a medal.
great talk as always!
Isabel C.M he has a TH-cam channel it’s called The School Of Life, check it out great stuff on there.
@@cedricsamuels5055 yup I know thanks ;) I follow it
🙂
haha I love the title, VERY Alain de Botton.
Absolutely great love information
I love his talks.
Inaccurate on the criticism point. A lot people do that to bash someone's self-esteem because they want to bring them down to their level. It's like tall poppy syndrome. Ppl get jealous of people who seem greater, smarter, better than them, because it seems amplify their unrealized potential or how they f*ed up their destiny, so to insult someone u secretly envy...e.g. make them appear incompetent at work/downgrade their abilities and accomplishments thus getting them to act undignified, antisocial or destructive is satisfying. To see a person who has never harmed u destroy themselves and fall from grace brings comfort to haters. Humans are "appalling", he was definitely right ✅ about that part. Co-habitation is not all it's cracked up to be! Another person will not complete you!. Better to be single and be mostly at peace.
It's either due to:
[ ] Eating garlic too often
[ ] "Living" in an antisocial rabotnik culture for over three decades
Lovely and fun to listen to :) and Wise!
Underbar lyssning... minns fortfarande den där frågan.... som nån ställde en gång för nu längesen ;) å jag undrade detsamma, om honom då. För det var inte jag som inte släppte taget då, n'ä!
He is an amazing author.
Just came across this one, and I recognized some of what you said as you've mentioned it in other talks and lectures, i.e. seeing your partner as a child in order to overlook some of their follies.
However, what if it's something more fundamental, like total opposition in political point of view to the extent that it's embarrassing to see his recent Facebook posts? We're both quite 'old' (he in early 60 and me in mid 50).
Neither of us will ever change by now, so...
That's intolerance!
Wow! Very powerful! Thank you!
I LOVE this!
Alain de Botton and his School of Life is such a great idea that when he speaks at Google (such an evil company) I feel that they do not match at all.
I would be careful with a titles as such as they may be affirmative... how we can re learn to love as an alternative? 🙏❤️
Great talk, loved it.
I also clapped while watching at home.
Thank you :)
Such a good talk
The problem is people conflate love with lust, Love is a commitment and lust is a fleeting feeling.
This is pure wisdom!
I am deeply troubled by an argument that says we should devalue love, in whatever form. The Romantics can best be understood, not by what they extolled--"romantic" love was only one of many things they fancied, the others being Nature, history, the Orient, drugs, etc.--but by what they feared. They feared the onrush of an increasingly inhuman society dominated by machines and machine-thinking, and they ran away from it.
In practice, very few people actually believe in soulmates anymore, and those who do often outgrow it, or find ever increasing understanding over time. This is a complex subject best dealt with by lived experience, not love theorists.
I disagree. There's a lot of Information that points to soul mates
I love this guy
BRILLIANT.
Beautiful ♥️
I find that there are “lovers” who “seem” like experts with silver tongues which trick you into thinking that they do “know”. Becareful.
Love is a matter of time and shared experiences?
Yeah, it is a big part of it. Any relationship grows more stronger and precious through time spend on it and experience had together in agood way.
I leraned that in psychotherapy (which helped me very much) and found it to be true.
@@dasmorbo3508 It seems like that could overcome bad experiences that they have inflicted on each other in the past. Unless they were repeated. Only if it is one of those immutable things, though.
It does seem to be how I fell in love, MTN17.
Rushed lectures are never as effective... great ideas but the rush simply makes it confusing
Exactly, talking way to fast to be communicating anything worthwhile.
I would always talk to him about what bothered me and he simply didn’t have the capacity for empathy. He always found a way to twist around whatever I said and make it somehow my own fault
For example: How can his flirting with other women be my fault?
He was so narcissistic he couldn’t admit to any wrong doing. In his mind, he believes he is not wrong.
He believes that as long as he knows he only wants me, flirting is harmless. But this notion comes from his own perspective.
Empathy is the ability to put yourself in the place of another. To me, seeing him flirt with someone else causes pain, it makes me feel less desirable and thus it is wrong to do that to a partner.
The Good Choice narcissist men are the hardest people to reason with. Even with the most proof and explanation for your feelings, it’s never the truth for them or reasonable. It’s exhausting! I promise myself I’ll never put myself through that again
God bless you, TGC. 😊
So if love is not the instinct and not the compatibility .. what is it then??
Exactly
Awesome talk! Who is the host btw?
So many gurus and so little time. Who shall I follow this week? Will I retain enough common sense to sort the wheat from the chaff? I hope I can still parse the complex sentences. Sometimes old sayings help like - a cow and a wife should be from one's own country - or - fair words won't butter any parsnips.
His humorous stories about romantic love are funny but it's one sided. when faced with our 3 billion year old instincts or our rational calculating neo cortex, I recon evolution (Or the force that gave rise to us) that gives us instinct is a safer bet. Rational calculation gives our military leader reasoned ideas like MAD. Mutually Assured Destruction. And game theory, and rational calculation that is used in economic decisions based on utilitarion ethics that leave whole populations starving. I say it's our faith in reason that is our biggest mistake and a reconnection with nature is our biggest chance of salvation.
To a degree yes, if you meant to say people should start taking their limbic system seriously then yes, he said a whole lot of nothing, what do you think hook-up culture does to brain? or i should put it like : What do you think over-stimulation with dopamine causes brain to experience, eventually develop, and to what extent do you think it goes?
Yet look at permanent city dwellers and religious ideologues. They are likely linear thinkers. A lot of people don’t realize that we are nature, not just in it.
Nem bloody Mary’s and watching football
@@wiffleone No arguments here :D
I agree with you. I feel instinct and intuitive choice has a strong base and rationality alone cant afford a deep satisfaction of needs.
If someone loved this man they wouldn't let him go out with his hair like that.
He is amazing…🤔🤔🤔
Some things I've thought about re: love. I prefer to use "I like you!" instead of throwing the "I love you" around. So called, "Holy Matrimony", do some research and you will find that this is an invention of the Roman Church and has no backing from the Bible. Marriage used to be a social agreement and or an agreement between parents. Why should government dictate that you need a 'marriage license'? I was with a woman for 22 years and she was sick for approx. half that time, frustrating sure, but I didn't think to toss her in the streets. I "Loved" her through her problems, then she disappeared on me. Thank you!
...and a horse, especially the better breeds , white preferably, adds hugely to the love concept. Oh and a guitar
Money and job - no time for love, time - you will crash with money and crash your love.
5:27 this is really incredible point from an atheist Jew. So even the concept of original sin is evident in even the most atheist and humanist points of view. Maybe the bible was right? Idk... I don't wanna get hate.
You learn about love from your mother not romantics
This guy wrote a book called Religion for Atheists - Alain de Botton . the issue well could be that people made religion are as we all know or should evil greedy and the most broken make religion and seek to rule over others but God unlike man is love in its truest form and very real and can if seeked mend guide and evidently save us from our selfs .that inner voice that tell one to get out of a most likely bad upcoming situation and basicly repetes ten commandments to us via spirit. In modernism educated type circulars seems to need to ignore guard them selves from the spiritual nature of this world .is it dark voices in their head fear or the whole lot ? only they know i hope any how sooner the better wen they realize they can talk with a loving creator God and Jesus and be vonerable to him and the holy spirit , folks see that side they say it`s more real than were we are at now in this form any way
All of this.... is so true! 😂
and this is how the cookie crumbles
Totally agreed: stop with fake romanticism, come down to the Earth!
Nobody will make u better version off yourself if u are alredy not good enough version od yourself.
Love = two paychecks.
It seems like his faith in Rationalism has spilled over into an attack on Feelings and mood. Ie emotions and moods and insticts and intuitions are of lesser importance than rational calculation. Yet it's our delving into rationalism that is leaving our world an unhabitable mess. It's our separation from nature, our denial of intuition that is killing us and the planet we live on.
I disagree. Rationalism should supersede self interest. Romanticism is grounded in self interest; my dream, my love, me.. Alain preaches loving in a more selfless, accepting and less judgemental way. Not perfect by any stretch but less deceptive than the trappings of romanticism
@@sendittoherlihy You say romanticism is grounded in self interest. Im not refering to that narrow definition of self. More like Heideggers idea of Being-in-the-world where there is no distinction between the two. Me and world are one and the same in this regard. The view you are refering to is, i believe one of separation . Ie cartesian subject and world as object. Herein lies our hubris. I recomend try partaking of natures medicines as done some by some tribal peoples (ie Ayawhasca )and see if the perturbation and dissolution of culturally programmed views helps with a fresh perspective.
@@ItsHeebyGeeby You never mentioned self in your comment, I did in my reply but I specified 'self interest'. I'm not defining self at all. I'm thinking in more widely. No disrespect to Heidigger but it's a mass of people that have made our planet the uninhabitable mess you refer to and most of them know nothing of philosophy. For the most part, the masses worship self interest over rationality and logic and, know virtually nothing of Heidigger's teachings.
Perhaps it might be wise to consider this next time you attempt to purge your hubris with ayahuasca
sendittoherlihy thinking that rationalism should supersede self-interest is romanticism disguised. This only works if you equate rationalism to disinterest or complete selflessness, which is not in the structure of most mammals. So that leaves Romanticism in all its self- interest...Unless there is a middle-ground. Tribal self-interest?
N L there is no "virtue". "Virtue" is a polarizing idea, directly from the institutions you mention. You must refer to human history in a very ancient way in order to uncover truths not overshadowed by dogma/doctrine/and philosphy. Its a mistake to look to aforementioned institutions for moral code. Morality and virtue can be used as descriptors for behavior that best supports the egalitarian system of survival (to a degree) in humans. I don't believe they can be used as benchmarks for human social survival, as history shows us the folly of "misinterpreting" morality and virtue (embodied in warfare, classicism, poverty, religious persecution etc).
A mother goes through average 8 hours of severe pain then there you are in her arms and she loves you. That’s love and it’s not a skill it’s nature trusting you with another being that depends on your love for their survival. If you never felt this then shut up
sillybillybadboy the mere tone of this reply shouts that men don’t do this resource provision from a place of love so enough said. The men in jail is the sons of fathers that deserted them genes and environment.
@sillybillybadboy Yes, half the men (the good men out there) with a family contribute to their families in every way they can and I'm sure they are greatly appreciated for their care and love, but way too often, there are men out there who have families for all the wrong reasons, and treat the people in their lives who love them, like possessions.
What of these men? Just yesterday...
th-cam.com/video/idvyP3fjNII/w-d-xo.html
Daycare and school teaches hate
is it a skill and not a state of being?........ Maybe....
Title isn't exactly correct
masticating in a bovine way
yup he is right!