I love listening to this guy, i think he's one of the most important men of our time, i don't agree with everything he says, but i think he's great, a breath of fresh air.
It took me til age 82 and my third love partner to learn to take the risk of making myself vulnerable. It’s never too late. I am a widow and I am in love again, and fulfilled and happy.
We invent the things we love...it is all very cinematic. The big problems emerge when the love object does not follow the script we have unknowingly written for them. And the most difficult thing to accept is that the LO is not required to be our invention - in any of its particulars.
Yes, we need to be responsible for our own happiness and look at ourselves and ask "What do I bring to the table?" When considering embarking on a relationship.
Jesus fucking Christ. Currently I'm at 3rd minute of this. And I have a feeling that during that time I picked up more for my inner self than during the rest of day. Dayayayayayayaym.
Great talk, I also think it takes a certain age to realize it too... I'm 26 and now I realize most men I was falling for were the same type that strangely felt "familiar " and they all turned out to be truly awful people...
Overthinking exists. One can over analyze a situation. In fact over thinking and neurosis go hand in hand. This is largely the legacy of Aristotle and has led to much suffering in the Western World.
Go figure: you have to communicate and both partners must participate and be willing to grow for the other Shocker: everyone has baggage, nobody is perfect, and relationships aren't easy.
A big difference between friend and lover is that the friend is more of an adult, the lover is a parent and a child by turns, and it is sex that unlocks both parent and child...
Paul Harris holy cow Paul Harris that's amazing how you summed that up so simply. imo I do think Alain simplifies it a little too much but this is relevant for my situation right now. in my first serious relationship age 28. 2 years older than him but he seems to be at times a very grounded logically thinking person making me feel unintentionally like the mess or child and emotionally parents me a bit very gently (the adult) which both offends and attracts me at the same time :P my past self would have called hum boring and moved on quickly yet on the other hand I would say he hasn't figured out to not be affected badly by people and situations. I've learned to be very chilled and try to just listen, let him know it's ok to not know everything and give him a better social perspective (the child) but with the sex none of those sides matter and it's just pure attraction and it's beautiful ^^ also throw into the mix that he's naturally a lot more driven and focused about what to do in life . he can't change me but he does inspire me =]
The entire talk is available on TH-cam and it's only 6 mins longer than the one here - but with visuals. I don't understand what the benefit of snipping those few minutes was? The original: th-cam.com/video/DCS6t6NUAGQ/w-d-xo.html
How does that apply to abusive/toxic relationships? Does that mean we have to stay in abusive relationships and not work on finding someone who's more healthy for us?
Imo - 'romantic love' is a series of intermingled transactions verbal/physical where feelings/senses from person A to person B (and vice versa) project on to each other how they want to really feel about themselves, not only verbalised but manifested in the other person. We are not taught (prob by religion) to self love or put ourselves first, nor to actual like oneself. Plus if we do, definitely not to voice that position. To do so is viewed by society as narcissisic, selfish, arrogant. 'Love' on the romantic level imo doesn't exist as a standalone feeling. The two people within the relationship unknowingly use (both emotionally and physically) each other to reflect, not romantic love, but self love back onto themselves, its a mutual exchange. Sometimes the exchange is unbalanced, esp where person A or B needs more self love to feed on. More than the other is capable of giving (without knowing the actual transaction they have entered into). When the exchange ceases to fulfil the self love aspect, in either person or their ego, the contract becomes one-sided and untenable. Resulting usually in one person leaving/having an affair (they might seek A N other to feed the still empty void, partially filled by their last partner, but not fully) or they both decided its not for them. In an ideal world the start point wold be; ea would love/like themselves equally, and the exchange from their partner would be complementary to that already acquired position
I followed my heart, found someone who makes me happy, loving them came naturally and visa versa. He is not perfectly perfect nor am I but we both are aware that no one is so that is no problem. We have never had a falling out in our 10 years. Working pretty well for us. Oh and we both take "criticism" from each other very well because we both know that it is coming from a desire to help. I don't understand why these things are so hard for people to understand. I all just seems so obvious.
I'm guessing you had a good upbringing, which is like being wealthy without realizing it. Everyone is still working out their childhoods with their s.o. To be blind to the fact that others had unfortunate upbringings is oblivious indeed.
Wow...no need to be nasty...this is her perspective. The approach to her relationship reflects a level of emotional maturity that we all might want to work towards. Since when is that not a virtue? Take the good from what was said and move on. People who did not have a good upbringing aren't excused from trying to be better.
April Thomas, because you are fortunate, and are not aware of it. Sadly unaware of the good upbringing you had, the abuse you didn't suffer, the good fortune you had finding that person. Be grateful, because you didn't discover dinamite: you had "good karma". Many people do, most people don't. Also, the fact you don't get other people may get you some day.
I believe he explained that we developed our "types of partners" that we tend to fell in love with, from the attachment we developed with our parents. He explained with the "distant parent and distant partner" example.
Well that certainly didn't help me with deciding between two guys, one who checks off all the similar interests compatibility boxes and the other who checks off all the sexual compatibility boxes.
I don't know you, so advice is cheap, but, I would say: Integrate within yourself :) Chemistry can't develop, is my experience working with couples and trying it myself. But working out our own hang ups can be a surprisingly effective aphrodisiac. All my best for your quest.
There is no perfect choice. Sadly (but happily) you make a choice, and then make the best of it. Compatibility is a skill developed between two mature people, not something inherent.
So if we can't change our types why bother thinking and reasoning about emotions? If we can't change our types, which is determined by our early experiences of love, then we are using our instincts. So where then sits the advice to watch out for red flags?
I think that when someone tells us something about us they are also speaking about themselves on some level. Also depending on Dharma different types needs diff things. Being an educator is enjoy this educator view, however warriors, merchants, laborers and outsiders may need to be handled in a diff manner yo
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I’ve been binging this man all day
Ooooh, that sounds sexy!
I haven't been binged in a couple weeks. ; )
Same. Day 2 now actually
Enlightening, isn't he?
I love listening to this guy, i think he's one of the most important men of our time, i don't agree with everything he says, but i think he's great, a breath of fresh air.
I’m p
Pp
I’m
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It took me til age 82 and my third love partner to learn to take the risk of making myself vulnerable. It’s never too late. I am a widow and I am in love again, and fulfilled and happy.
So happy for you!
i love listening to alain. he speaks very fluently and clearly.
He's like Donald Trump, expect with a better vocabulary and more screaming.
Alain... music to my ears, wisdom for my soul.
Such great advice, very wise words. Thank you Alain.
I just love how this guy has solutions to all major problems in our lives.
Doesn't help when the rent is due.😅
That quote at the end gives me freakin life! I can't describe it, the way he says it is just soooo amazing!
“Make us to suffer in the way we feel familiar. “ well said.
Is this dude a human, or some primordial god of psychology and philosophy?
All three. ;)
yeah, seems like.
We invent the things we love...it is all very cinematic. The big problems emerge when the love object does not follow the script we have unknowingly written for them.
And the most difficult thing to accept is that the LO is not required to be our invention - in any of its particulars.
Paul Harris Yes, Paul Harris.
Yes, we need to be responsible for our own happiness and look at ourselves and ask "What do I bring to the table?" When considering embarking on a relationship.
By far the best podcast I’ve listen to this year🔌
Jesus fucking Christ. Currently I'm at 3rd minute of this. And I have a feeling that during that time I picked up more for my inner self than during the rest of day. Dayayayayayayaym.
A voice of raw fucking compassion, ladies and gentlemen, Alain de Botton.
Yesss so much better than school of life even though it’s the same person HOW we say things make such a difference
This is gold!!! So incredibly inspired!
Brilliant. Thank you so much.
I will sleep better tonight. Thanks you!
Yes, “Love is a skill “! Recognition of ambivalent.
I've read and enjoyed several of de Botton's books. Good times. He does a great job here as well. Enlightening.
Great talk, I also think it takes a certain age to realize it too... I'm 26 and now I realize most men I was falling for were the same type that strangely felt "familiar " and they all turned out to be truly awful people...
True!😒
But I'm glad I understood the pattern and fixed the shit outa myself 😂👌🏻
Absolutely
This is perfect.
Have listen to the video of this audio, this man is inspiring
I LOVED THIS !
Best speech ever!
Love this!
Thank you
This man is a genius.
ButtercupMaude Ikr
Is this The School of Life guy?
Paper Mario yup
Alain de Botton
Who can't relate to this your shaped by your past experiences making it harder to express yourself and say what you need to say
it is a skill
Love this
Overthinking exists. One can over analyze a situation. In fact over thinking and neurosis go hand in hand. This is largely the legacy of Aristotle and has led to much suffering in the Western World.
explain how a neural disease causing numbness and tingling is linked with over analyzing
Typo I meant to say neurosis and neuroticism.
Interesting! Thank you.
Brilliant!
Full of laughs.
Life is regrettable, but enjoy the journey.
Genius.
How do you make these kind of animations with your audio?
Go figure: you have to communicate and both partners must participate and be willing to grow for the other
Shocker: everyone has baggage, nobody is perfect, and relationships aren't easy.
A big difference between friend and lover is that the friend is more of an adult, the lover is a parent and a child by turns, and it is sex that unlocks both parent and child...
Paul Harris holy cow Paul Harris that's amazing how you summed that up so simply. imo I do think Alain simplifies it a little too much but this is relevant for my situation right now. in my first serious relationship age 28. 2 years older than him but he seems to be at times a very grounded logically thinking person making me feel unintentionally like the mess or child and emotionally parents me a bit very gently (the adult)
which both offends and attracts me at the same time :P my past self would have called hum boring and moved on quickly
yet on the other hand I would say he hasn't figured out to not be affected badly by people and situations. I've learned to be very chilled and try to just listen, let him know it's ok to not know everything and give him a better social perspective (the child)
but with the sex none of those sides matter and it's just pure attraction and it's beautiful ^^
also throw into the mix that he's naturally a lot more driven and focused about what to do in life . he can't change me but he does inspire me =]
The entire talk is available on TH-cam and it's only 6 mins longer than the one here - but with visuals. I don't understand what the benefit of snipping those few minutes was?
The original: th-cam.com/video/DCS6t6NUAGQ/w-d-xo.html
8:16 So I'll never find someone who just KNOWS the difference between "take me" & "take the bin out" eyes? 😕Raaaaats✌🏻😏
Yes!!!!
Do not attach to some with very opposite political philosophy. Misery will ensure that it is on its way to you.
Thanks for sharing your own problems.
What software was this done on
How does that apply to abusive/toxic relationships? Does that mean we have to stay in abusive relationships and not work on finding someone who's more healthy for us?
I think abuse is something you shouldn't tolerate.
Imo - 'romantic love' is a series of intermingled transactions verbal/physical where feelings/senses from person A to person B (and vice versa) project on to each other how they want to really feel about themselves, not only verbalised but manifested in the other person. We are not taught (prob by religion) to self love or put ourselves first, nor to actual like oneself. Plus if we do, definitely not to voice that position. To do so is viewed by society as narcissisic, selfish, arrogant. 'Love' on the romantic level imo doesn't exist as a standalone feeling. The two people within the relationship unknowingly use (both emotionally and physically) each other to reflect, not romantic love, but self love back onto themselves, its a mutual exchange. Sometimes the exchange is unbalanced, esp where person A or B needs more self love to feed on. More than the other is capable of giving (without knowing the actual transaction they have entered into). When the exchange ceases to fulfil the self love aspect, in either person or their ego, the contract becomes one-sided and untenable. Resulting usually in one person leaving/having an affair (they might seek A N other to feed the still empty void, partially filled by their last partner, but not fully) or they both decided its not for them. In an ideal world the start point wold be; ea would love/like themselves equally, and the exchange from their partner would be complementary to that already acquired position
At 7:56- I laughed so freaking hard!!!!!!!
I followed my heart, found someone who makes me happy, loving them came naturally and visa versa. He is not perfectly perfect nor am I but we both are aware that no one is so that is no problem. We have never had a falling out in our 10 years. Working pretty well for us. Oh and we both take "criticism" from each other very well because we both know that it is coming from a desire to help. I don't understand why these things are so hard for people to understand. I all just seems so obvious.
What you want a cookie?
You're essentially saying that you can do it so why can't anybody else? This is not a particularly nice or helpful statement.
I'm guessing you had a good upbringing, which is like being wealthy without realizing it. Everyone is still working out their childhoods with their s.o. To be blind to the fact that others had unfortunate upbringings is oblivious indeed.
Wow...no need to be nasty...this is her perspective. The approach to her relationship reflects a level of emotional maturity that we all might want to work towards. Since when is that not a virtue? Take the good from what was said and move on. People who did not have a good upbringing aren't excused from trying to be better.
April Thomas, because you are fortunate, and are not aware of it. Sadly unaware of the good upbringing you had, the abuse you didn't suffer, the good fortune you had finding that person. Be grateful, because you didn't discover dinamite: you had "good karma". Many people do, most people don't. Also, the fact you don't get other people may get you some day.
What if your type = Aquarius male?
Dirty Power Studios ha. You're screwed.
Dirty Power Studios married one. Yes, you're screwed. We're still married (I'm an Aries female) and it's bloody hard work.
What are types? I don't understand when he says "we can not change our type..." because I have changed my "type" I believe.
I believe he explained that we developed our "types of partners" that we tend to fell in love with, from the attachment we developed with our parents. He explained with the "distant parent and distant partner" example.
Types of attachment, I believe. Anxious, Avoidant, or Secure
🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼
12:25
Well that certainly didn't help me with deciding between two guys, one who checks off all the similar interests compatibility boxes and the other who checks off all the sexual compatibility boxes.
fuck one, hang out with the other.
Kris Van Pelt Sis go with the one who you have similar interests and compatible,you can work on the sexual part together with time thing will be great
Read "Sex at Dawn", by Christopher Ryan.
I don't know you, so advice is cheap, but, I would say: Integrate within yourself :)
Chemistry can't develop, is my experience working with couples and trying it myself. But working out our own hang ups can be a surprisingly effective aphrodisiac. All my best for your quest.
There is no perfect choice. Sadly (but happily) you make a choice, and then make the best of it.
Compatibility is a skill developed between two mature people, not something inherent.
"Familiarity breeds contempt" Why not just say what you want & what you are willing to give. (Write up a contract)
but who is he? does he have a degree in the field? what are his qualifications? or is he a comedy side show?
So if we can't change our types why bother thinking and reasoning about emotions? If we can't change our types, which is determined by our early experiences of love, then we are using our instincts. So where then sits the advice to watch out for red flags?
humans hate each other?
how did we ever get to have billions of us?
David Boson ever hear of sex
Procreation*
4:00
13:01 to 13:04
I think that when someone tells us something about us they are also speaking about themselves on some level. Also depending on Dharma different types needs diff things. Being an educator is enjoy this educator view, however warriors, merchants, laborers and outsiders may need to be handled in a diff manner yo
..?..now,you tell me!?
This is Stewie Griffin in 2021
Well that's too bad :(
should u compromise with someone who is violent towards u??
No!
0
His teaching is contradicting himself all the time
love these insights, thank yoi