Ways to Make a Betrayed Spouse Feel Safe
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 2 ต.ค. 2024
- Today Samuel shares do's and don'ts to potentially win back the betrayed spouse.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairreco.... He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
This is it! This is the answer...1. Make me priority 2. Show you want to recover even though it’s difficult or no time etc.3 understanding I don’t really care if you are in pain or you want me to hurry up and get over it. Are you All in! This is your language
Well said..sounds like my wife
Once again you’ve perfectly explained what’s happening in my marriage. Most times are calm, sometimes we are intimate, but my husband isn’t showing that keeping our family intact is his priority. And he’s expressed confusion at my change in feelings - sometimes we’re good, then other times I’m angry. But I don’t think I should have to be a raging bitch 24/7 for him to remember that there is work he needs to do.
He is lucky to have some one like you. He has the issues he is the problem he betrayed you!!
Once he owns up to it and stops blaming everything,everyone global warming and accepts that he #UCKED UP and take responsibility I’m sorry but nothing will change, it took me over two years to do this and what’s worse is I turned my back on my 4 kids for 6 years that was my betrayal. I’m blessed that my beautiful family including my ex wife have forgiven me.
I’m in the midst of trying to comprehend the trauma and my emotional swings due to triggers. Your program is helping me….that I’m not crazy after all.
@kjkjkjjuen how is it going? You are in my thoughts!
I've never felt so defeated in my life. I'm tired, hurt and broken. Just found out over the weekend. This is destroying me. 😢
I found out October 30 at 5:01 pm the worst day of my life.
I'm so sorry. I know how you feel.😢
I’m so sorry! I know your pain and I wish I could feel safe enough to talk about this with other people that understand it. My friends don’t know much and they already disprove so badly. I’m not sure if there is a group on fb or insta to talk about this stuff in a safe way. I think listening to each other can be so relieving when the feelings drown us. I am looking for support just about anywhere.
My husband of 32 years just told me he is having an affair . I’m devasted
Spot on!! As a betrayed husband many of these things also apply. While I think pursuing from the female perspective is not exactly the same as a man, the main point that was made is that they should show a genuine desire followed by consistent behavior that shows that the betrayed is a priority and that there is a "whatever it takes" attitude about saving the marriage.
I'm willing to do the work as the betrayed spouse. For the longest time, any attempt to express my feelings about it were met with "This again? You want to ruin our morning/afternoon/evening/day/weekend again? Why can't you just move on?!" O "I wanted to do X, Y, and Z with you, but not if you're going to act like this." Not helpful at all. It only leaves the betrayed feeling ashamed of themselves and deflects the unfaithful's responsibility for the state of the relationship onto the betrayed. I've been in therapy for 5 months.
Is the unfaithful working on this with you to help you recover from the trauma?
This is what am hearing. Can't we move on. This stresses me. Seems like they don't understand the pain they caused us.
I also get met with the “if you didn’t bring it up so much and focused on other things instead- we could move on..”
Or, I get accused of being on my period..
Or, he’ll have to urgently do something- anything- to avoid talking to me about it.
Then I’ll get “he can’t live like this…”
Of course he’d deny all of this. He thinks he’s making leaps and bounds! It’s been 2 years since I found out about multiple affairs- some coexisting at the same time-
We’ve done private intensives, SOOOO much individual and couples therapy, trauma work, EMDR- and my pain and heartbreak had not lessened at all… not even a little.
I’m just able to fake it when needed.
Or “I cant take anymore of your being bipolar! You need to get your meds adjusted”
As the unfaithful I've really tried everything possible but still he brings it up when triggered and we have to start all over again.
Very exhausting and loosing hope :(
Another great blog! Patience is the biggest key. I have found that out. As the unfaithful you are on their schedule now and we caused this so you just need to make yourself available to their needs!
I hurt my wife in so many ways I didn't even realize i need help knowing how to earn her forgiveness and to rebuild her so I can forgive myself even if we don't stay married I want to know that she can grow past my abuse and not punish the next man who trys to love her and be loved by her
As the betrayed partner your words here even help me. I hope my husband feels this way.
Also my advice even on a “good day” bring it up even in a small way just say something in a happy moment like you are thinking of it because trust me even smiling she still is so just say “hey babe I just want you to know I love you and I’m truly sorry for everything” she will likely brush it off with a smile on her face because she wants to thoroughly enjoy the happy moments but the bad thoughts in the happy moments still stop her in her head and make her look at you while she’s happy and think why did you have to ruin all of this, so it eases that in her head
My story so much that it could have easily included our names at the top. Sadly all too familiar with every word of this. Out if all the videos and resources provided by affair recovery, This video is by far the one that speaks exactly what I have been saying. We are almost 6 torturous years into D-Day with zero effort, restoration, recovery, and increasing rage and abuse. I finally realize it was never good. I have been working on myself but can't and won't do his heavy lifting alone. If nothing else good comes from this video for him, it at very least offered me a sense of peace and clarity-thank you for that.
I so relate to you...sailing in the same boat and it seems like a dead-end. Its been 5 long yrs and there's been no recovery at all. I'm consumed with rage, insecurity, feelings of abandonment, hurt. And he just won't get it.
5 years for me.. I'm in the same boat
i feel like your title is not accounting for the few cases when the unfaithful spouse is the one putting forth the effort to make things right and the betrayed spouse is simply disconnected and not willing to work thru the recovery process.. I realize i will probably get criticized for seeking sympathy as the unfaithful..But that's not my intention I'm just simply stating these things apply to both sides in different situations..i appreciate your guys program and information alot though..so thank you
i, too, was the unfaithful and feel the same way. i have done everything i know to do and things i've learned along the way in over 3 years and seem to get everything met with contempt and disconnect. i know the damage i've done...how do you reconcile with a betrayed who says they want it just as badly but are not willing to work where they need to as well?
@@mamallama9866I'm in the same boat too .. did it work out for you guys
Thank you for these comments. I’m glad to know I’m not alone.
Way to go Samuel!! I've been feeling so insecure and like I was wrong and mean and selfish when I recently asked my betrayer the question when will I be first? When is your pity party for yourself going to stop and you open the door to us? I have forgiven him so many betrayals for so many years ( afairs and porn) I just don't think I can keep going. I'm 67 and recovering from rectosigmoid cancer, which is my fourth different kind of cancer. I've had two mastectomies, endometrial cancer necessitating a total hysterectomy and now this recto-sigmoid cancer. About 6 years ago i had to take medical retirement from teaching. I was in bed almost 2 1/2 years. Yes, hard on us both. Yet, attending my doctor appointments with me has not been enough demonstration to me that I really am cherished. Telling me other husbands wouldn't have put up with all my cancers is not comforting.Telling me lots of other women would do"x" for him destroyed me. Especially when he has told me he resents me for not performing the way he wants in bed. Well I am not a pornstar. He will not even give up his phone during the night for me to feel safe. He demands to know how long he has to go to meetings, or give up his phone at bedtime or participate in things that i like to do without sighs, rolling eyes and watch watching. Well I say, "As long as it takes." The worst discovery was about a year ago. He promised he'd stop. Then more discoveries 8monts ago. Even with concrete evidence he denied. I am now going to attend free online bootcamp. I pray it will help me decide what to do. God bless you and your dear wife. Thanks for listening💙 (...blue heart is colon cancer color)
My heart goes out to you Brooke. It is such an enormous burden to bear. Keep your own heart and wellbeing as YOUR greatest priority. Clearly he is not capable at this point. Pray for true strength and clarity. You're resilience and spirit are amazing! 💜
If your Betrayed partner has past trauma, particularly if it’s similar to what you’ve done healing can take much longer because you’ve taken the scab off that old wound. If you lie, drag your feet, or keep cheating with the AP or pornography (yes, that’s considered cheating in many relationships), than you may never get to heal together or it will lengthen the healing for more years.
12 years i have been in such a hurtful relationship with a mate who has used porn and chatlines and has acted like i have a problem ( mad me feel like I'm crazy) and he is doing nothing wrong, i finally got courage to say im done and so he has gone to 2 appointment with a counselor and thinks that fix it. i dont think i can hang on. i forgive and have love, but don't know if i love him anymore as there is zero trust and my self esteem and self worth is gone. and respect..whats that??
my heart goes out and I continue to all who are in this battle and it is a spiritual battle remember that..we are not alone, be strong and pay attention to your environment. I am grateful for this group in affair recovery although my husband says we arent like them. we are. it is what it is. got to deal with that first. baby step..ugh
That's my case. My dad is a cheater who destroyed our family. My ex cheated as well, I relived the trauma but 10 times worse because this time I felt guilty since I had chosen this man
Exactly!! When they continue to seek other women, watch porn every 6 weeks or so and lie constantly it is just traumatizing the betrayed even more. Then to be told that I need to stop bringing up the past, well it’s kind of hard when you continue to betray me over and over. How am I supposed to heal? I’ve never been so heart broken in all of my life!!! He always says that he will go to counseling and get on meds but he never follows through with it. At this point I just want to leave the relationship peacefully. He hasn’t fought for me at all and I’m tired of feeling this way inside.
This is accurate. My BS' mother constantly cheated on his father and he compares the situation to ours all the time. It hinders our healing.
This is a good point and important to stress that when the unfaithful have compounded an existing trauma, they have an extra responibility to be kind and empathetic to the betrayed - especially if they already knew of that trauma.
This is exactly how I feel. I want to be perused as if he is trying to get me to marry him. I want above and beyond effort, not just the box is check marked. Genuine true effort.
I’m so insecure I’ve been seeking out cosmetic surgery and I honestly don’t even want to do it. I just wish I could feel loved and cherished for what God gave me, but I feel like it’s the only way I can make his eyes stay focused on me. I hate what society has done. The standards for looks on women has mad so many women insecure. And easy access to pornography has destroyed marriages and men’s sexual functions.
Just remember- Beyoncé was cheated on! This has nothing to do with how you look, and everything to do with what is going on inside of him. You are beautiful, and you are enough.
It’s never about who was betrayed he or she are the problem not you !!!😊
In my experience it can take a lot longer than 3 years.
I think he means 12months to 3 years of making them a complete priority.
How do I ever trust him again? He has lied and lied and lied.
I feel as if I'm the one needing to win her back even though shes the unfaithful and that I was the one who made her cheat in her eyes. I'm the one going "Am I good enough?! Am I good enough?! Am I?"
Me too, love. Right there with you.
Amen. There now. How are you now?
That’s exactly how it is for me…. I’m doing the chasing.
I’m stopping this behaviour immediately
Exactly! Ughhhh 😡😡😡
100% this. Just hit a year and it's so exhausting and disheartening
You are so right on with this. Nothing changed at all in my heart until my husband made our relationship and his recovery his top priorities.
I was once the unfaithful and now I am the betrayed. I wish I had seen this when I was the unfaithful one.
This is hard
Ya have to ASK what things it is that she needs because you may mean well but you could be doing all BUT what it is that she knows herself well enough to know what she needs in order to help
You are 100% correct. This is also a long term issue that my husband and I have been dealing with for years. I have never felt like a priority to him, and now as a betrayed spouse it just feels absolutely hopeless. I have tried to express this to him and he says I'm being controlling.
Still dont trust. Staying nice. Trusting God to help me with anxious thoughts. Pushing for counseling so the underlying triggers can be eliminated.
HOPROPHETA recovery takes a long time and a lot of work by both partners. It’s been over a year for me and I still have triggers. Every day I have to drive by the hotel where my wife met her affair partner. I am praying for you to hear and learn and understand what has happened to you and where you should go from here.
Absolutely on point. To be honest every relationship needs to know this.
Adding to the pursuit, it would mean the world to the betrayed that not only the UF take the Betrayed on dates, outings, etc to take it a step further to find coverage for the kids ( if needed). I have four including a child with special needs so much goes to the planning. He never made arrangements nor offered to help in that area especially when he repeatedly set a nuclear bomb to the relationship.
Lisa I feel this so much! I was working 40+ hours per week, weekends every 3 weeks, going to college full time, and would come home and have to cook dinner and clean. I spent most weekends cleaning the house because it wasn’t done during the week. I’m so exhausted at this point that I just want to go peacefully.
What an ar..h...e.
He is a broken man.
Very sorry for you
This hit straight on the head today! Thank you!!!
🙌🙌🙌 Amen. I've been telling my partner for years that I don't feel like a priority, well before dday. Maybe this video will get thru to him. Thank you!
I see him trying even past the rough days. But how do I send this to him without sending it to him? I think it would help him understand things even more
I’m in a situation where I was the unfaithful. I was an addict and am now in recovery finally with some sobriety and health. I was in denial for so long and the wake up call was my wife moving out and filing for divorce. Before she actually did this we would talk about divorcing a lot and because I was still wanting sin and to live in my addiction, I didn’t care. I didn’t see all of the ways I hurt her and all of the opportunities I had to change and do things differently, to get help and recovery…now it’s too late, my heart aches every day. I am trying to focus on my continued health/healing and recovery, but I want my wife back. I don’t want the divorce. I’m not sure what I can do to pursue her when she’s lost all romantic love and feelings for me because of what I’ve done. It feels hopeless and like I’ve lost the love of my life and best friend.
i (betrayed) am so destroyed that i took a week off from work and had to check in to a mental hospital.
he’s (unfaithful) going to work (he doesn’t need to be there 7 days a week; he just chooses to) and chatting about w my family as if nothing has changed
One of your best blogs Samuel! Keep up the great work!
Thank you so much for articulating this message so well!!
I wanted to tell u thank u for all these video it really has helped me through my husbands emotional affair we are only two weeks into this craziness we have been married for 20 years now and I love him beyond words but I'm terrified I won't be able to fully trust him again but I'm willing to try and he lets me talk when I need too! So again thank u
22 years here...how has it played out?
Thanks for your wise counsel. I learn so much from your videos. It makes so much sense. I am the unfaithful and do not deserve her forgiveness yet I crave that and hope we can rebuild.
I have regretted cheating on my husband I swear , I don’t even know why I hurt that man so much now , he’s having an affair he didn’t tell me I caught him . Wheewww the pain is hard don’t know if I want to stay or run at this point grezzz
i am totally feeling the way samantha felt right now....
This is everything I feel as the betrayed spouse but I just don’t think my husband understands or cares and I’m not scared to leave at this point cos I have been so hurt
What if the unfaithful has issues with alcohol also. He is trying but still suppressing stuff with drinking several beers seven days a week. This been going on for years though and I believe is why its easier for him to hurt me with this affair.
I betrayed my girlfriend who was in love with me, she was able to be herself and heal damages done in her past, by the time we met we hit it off. I was immature and didn’t end my previous relationship when it was going downhill many months prior to meeting this new person, the other relationship was toxic but I never cut it off. I betrayed by still texting the other person. I’m trying so hard and sometimes in conversations when I lift her spirits numerous times, some small arguments I have made stupid actions from allowing my emotions take control of me, I’ve had a history of that within myself I’ve tried to battle but it’s so hard in the moment. I’m all in bc I was with her at first but I was immature. I’m going to be constantly on this channel to learn more bc I’ve never betrayed-unintentionally but knowingly
I’ve been on the opposite end of the fence in your story, my partner had connection w his ex & during the time we took a break he was with her. It’s so painful, all I can say is, please never stop telling your partner how much you regret it & keep fighting
I needed to hear this
OMGOSH you read my mail as the betrayed. I know nobody will probably ever see this but God but i am weeping because my husband has been addicted to porn for 5 years and yes that hurts but what hurts the more is that he will not get help or work on our marriage. Everyone and everything else is a priority besides us. I am at the end of my rope wanting to save this marriage but its not a one way street. Thank God i have Jesus to lean on or i would not be able to survive. 😢😢😢😢😢😢
EXCELLENT MESSAGE!
30k subs around the corner!
Thankyou your videos really help me
To feel like the priority on any level in my unfaithful wife's heart and mind would be amazing. The fact that I have been not only unpriorized over the past 7-plus years (especially during the 2-year affair and the 4 years since discovery) is the understatement of the century.
She doesn't care and not sure why I do anymore. Wish she would pursue me, wish she would be empathetic, wish she would want to be intimate on a spiritual, emotional and physical levels. But if wishes were horses....
No genuine or authentic desire to win my heart back. Just so very sad in this relationship and I no longer even feel like working on anything from my end because of her disconnect for so many years. Find my heart drifting away, my thoughts going toward other women who seem interested in me. Not ever what I wanted when I said "I do" to her before God.
Im so sorry for how you are or I hope were doing? Do you mind sharing how you are doing now?
I can definitely relate with you brother. I have even gone on to show her extra affection and patience but to no avail. Can a leopard change its spots? Have 2 kids in our equation of 13 years. Sad and frustrating.
@@saminreign7643 wow me too
Great advice
Thank you for the wisdom and insight. I wish i could make ammends with my betrayed spouse
Thank you 🙏 perfectly worded everything is currently feeling and experiencing
Despite the fact that it's inconvenient...and often unpleasant...definitely demonstrates a person's commitment.
How long does it take to get over it
It doesn’t help at all when the person who betrayed asks “does (timeframe of being clean) not matter?” “So are we ever going to move on from this?” “So you still think I’m the same man?”
We haven’t even gone 2 years of being clean (barely a year) in our 5 years of being together & I feel like I’ll never recover bc I can’t “get over it and move on”
Hi I'm in a 20 yr marriage I'm the betrayer . I've had 3 affairs on my wife . I've tried my hardest to regain my wife's s trust back but everything I try to do is not good enough!! I've been in counseling and to her to a marriage retreat for a week ..And still can't seem to cut a break .. She is hurt beyond and constantly angry with me everything I do or say is never good enough !! Our sex life has disregarded since to a point that where she says she has a hard time being intimate with me ..our last time she couldn't see my face and was not into it !!! I need HELP " !!!! WHAT CAN I DO IR SAY TO GET MY WIFES TRUST BACK ??? PLEASE HELP ME !!!
I wish I was married, because then I would have the time too have a second chance with my girlfriend.
Be, Resilient and respectful.
I love this! Thank you for this blog.
This is the same with ‘Emotional Cheating’. He refused to prioritize our relationship & me. He constantly prioritized ‘her’ with so many justifications, rationalizations & excuses. I just couldn’t do it anymore, I had to leave, no prioritization, I am devastated. 🥺😔
I think it is also true with compulsive lying. 😢 Which, tbh, makes me question everything now
Is it really worth it after? I hear so many saying they are stuck in the bad feeling still after yrs
What does the betrayer do when the betrayed birthday is coming up after 4 weeks from discovering an affair?
i would ask them what they are comfortable with....i would ask them if they want to do anything and what would make them feel safe, special and cared for? let them decide.
My husband betrayed me with porn and by sleeping with another woman during a rough time in the beginning of the marriage. He promised not to look at porn or sexualized images of women. This morning i noticed in his search history that he had been looking at the facebook page of a woman in a bikini whose photos were almost all sexualized. I told him for me to feel safe i need him to give up facebook and move to a flip phone. He is not willing to do it. He says he will do whatever it takes to save the marriage but his actions speak otherwise. Even after i discovered his porn use, he denied it and gaslighted me for 2 weeks,finally admitting to it after i asked to talk about how we will divide our stuff in the divorce. I am clearly not enough of a priority! The truth is i am not willing to do whatever it takes to save the marriage. I feel thats not my job as the one who was betrayed and continues to be betrayed.
Is there a video about how to make the unfaithful spouse feel safe?
How safe you want to be as an unfaithful?
He has been making me a priority recently, but I'm really nervous about this upcoming year. He will be starting school and we need him to pass so we can have a stable environment, but it's going to take over as the priority and it scares the hell out of me.
So what happens when the “betrayed” tries to use the betrayal as a tool for manipulation?
What if you're having a problem as the unfaithful with desire. All the jumping through hoops is exhausting and not attractive. If youve already had an issue with this before how do you bring the passion back up inside of yourself
Is there a version of this where the husband is the betrayed?
He's speaking in mostly gender neutral terms. But I'm guessing most of the same ideas apply.
Thank you so very much. You perfectly put into words ALL the things I've been thinking and feeling, but unable to express. Not from want of trying. I just couldn't find the right words. Thanks again!!!
I was the unfaithful, my spouse text me throughout the work day. I do utility work for a living and cannot always reply back or look at the text for safety reasons. How should I approach this with her.
i would try and establish boundaries for both of you in the situation and perhaps have a system where you will return a call or text within an hour of receiving it. or maybe having a tracker on your phone so they feel safe if you don't already? it's a normal part of difficulty for when a spouse floods and their spouse is at work.
As someone who was betrayed, it would likely mean a lot to your spouse if you acknowledge the messages when you see them in person. Just so they know you read them and gave serious thought.
My partner doesn't acknowledge them at all, and it makes my feelings of loneliness worse and he just doesn't get it.
Still struggling for 11 years as an unfaithful😢 how long does it take for him to forgive me
This has articulated to me so many things im feeling, thinking and even reacting to as the Betrayed.
Kissed someone else on a festival I went to in the beginning of the relationship. Didn't wanted it but I just happend out of a bad moment where I was really drugged up and not myself anymore. Broke it off again, because I knew this isn't worth it and tried to forget about it. I knew instantly I'd never be able to keep this to myself. Couple of months later she asked me if something happend on that festival and I told her....she instantly broke it off. Sucks because I really tried to be faithful and I wasn't even attracted to the girl I kissed. Can't understand why it happened. I've been cheated on twice in previous relationships and then left for the other person, so I really now the pain and sweard to myself I would never let that happen. I mean I didn't even slept with the other person. but it still killed the relationship. I can only accept that, because I truly love and want her to be happy in her life
What happens if the unfaithful was betrayed by something else and then committed infidelity? I'm the betrayed but I never did infidelity. But i don't feel like we are coming together at all.
There's a question i need to ask. What if you were emotionally disconnected to your spouse prior to the infidelity, wouldnt that person need to overcome that disconnect to make that relationship a priority?
We live 300 miles apart and can only see each other once a month or so. Will this come into play and make things harder than if she were closer?
Is there something like this for a best friend? If I hurt them, but desire to restore
I’m willing to do the work and I’m trying my hardest to but she keeps beating me up and I can’t focus on anything can somebody please help me understand why
Understand how much you hurt her
How do you get a betrayed spouse to heal with you?
She is happy to sleep with me but tell me we are still separated….. I am confused. Therapy says don’t hold hope but show up no matter what.
What if she’s hot and cold with you but stated she’s want to move on?
This video changed my life
If I dont feel safe its Time to.Go
your right
Great video!!!!
all of this makes sense but when the women keeps bringing up the girl who was cheated on it delays everything
💯
How do you win back your spouse? Do you still woo her? What if she gets offended when you make a romantic gesture for her asking if i have done it with my AP? What should i do? Please help
Tell her the truth!
This is very general... I am the WS and the sole earner. I have kids to ensure they have a roof, food, etc. My job is priority #1 so that I can provide for them all, then my kids. Marriage falls at the bottom. My BS taught me that over many years and my constant fighting for our marriage to come first was wrong and caused me so much pain that I see now that I was wrong. So each situation is different. My wife wanted me to pursue her too but there's only so much 1 person alone can do.