The issue isn’t in being nice, it’s being a people pleaser, lacking boundaries, over extending oneself, taking on others problems. Take your cape off and go heal. There are people worth being nice to. Love the video ❤️
Yes! That's exactly what I mean when I say the definition of "nice" has been so distorted. People pleasing, not having boundaries etc etc, has been mistakenly tagged as "being nice." And yes, there are absolutely people worth being nice too - we just have to know the difference😊 Thanks for chiming in, Rachel!
Yes the day I stopped being too nice I attracted a healthy relationship with a great guy, dropped toxic friends, and started investing in myself and getting everything I want! Love this, you always come through girl!
I love all of this for you, darling! Reading this might give the girls struggling with this the push they need to reform their overly nice ways! Thanks for sharing 💕
I believe that was the time you became your real self and stopped suppressing your best. That’s what attracted the great relationship. Fraud repels; real attracts.👍💪 ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Of course! It would never be recommended to take anything from those who you know (or suspect) have bad intentions towards you. This referred specifically to those who decline _everything_ from _everyone_ , even when it would be beneficial to them😉
The aim is not to trivialize or be reductive towards the issue. Trauma is one of maybe 3-5 possible reasons for this behavior. And even those who learn it as a trauma response, sometimes don't realize they're doing it or that it's trickling into other parts of their life. Having it pointed out and becoming aware of the long-term effects/dangers is a crucial part of beginning to make changes. Thanks for chiming in!
The first step is to explain this attitude and provide small steps that we can take to manage so we do not completely lose ourselves. Videos like this one provides impactful awareness that makes us see the need to get requisite help.💎👍👍✊✊
Yea it be hard for me to Speak up about things and I be being a people pleaser because how my mother treated me when I was younger. I get taken advantage of by people i have trouble speaking up for myself. I’m still learning getting better at it .
I'm sorry to hear that, love😔But I'm glad this was helpful! We will be getting into some strategies to help you get more comfortable standing up for yourself. Sending positive energy and internal strength your way ✨💕
"How to stop being too nice if you are already in that category". I find this is the major hurdle because people tend to get offended once you are no longer their therapist/assistant/hype woman. Adults can act just like those 2 year olds mentioned.
It’s a good practice to be able to handle those people being disappointed and still hold onto yourself. Then the prison door is open and your walking thru it. Being a people pleaser is a jail sentence where other people control our lives
@@lindsaypeek63 "Disappointed" ⬅️ There is my biggest problem in my behavior. That look that people get when they are disappointed distresses me. It makes me sad. I want everyone to be happy. I have realized that isn't possible, but it still sucks.
@@belindawilliams4915 You can always give them some news. "I notice I don't focus much in my needs, I'm practicing this now, I may not be available to give as much support as before." In a program that I do they separate "help" from "support" in a way that help means to try to take over the problem for the person and support means lend a hand in some problem that the person is already TRYING to solve themselves. So whenever you can open your schedule to give support you always start asking "what is the matter and what you are trying to do to solve it". Doesn't need to be all in one go. It can be: "what is happening, what is the problem?" and then "how are you trying to handle it?" So this way you can be near, but don't take the problem to you. You don't let people involve you in their issues. If the person is not trying anything, you will lead by suggesting that she can find ways to deal with it, and you can always delegate. Sometimes people need a lawyer, a therapist, a nurse, a professional, not a friend. Be good without letting yourself feel pity of others. Everyone can take action, your "help" is just believe that they can take over their own responsabilities. You can suggest courses of action, but never take the actions yourself. People need to step up to their own needs. This way they can be trained to be independent instead of helpless.
I had both Type A and Type B down to a science, and I learned this growing up with Mom and with people I knew. I was an asset until I said "no", then I was a liability. I learned later in life that I couldn't please everyone, and that not everyone is deserving of you.
Take note ladies. In my younger days I was the proverbial doormat men...a pleaser, too agreeable, lacked sense of self and got walked all over! No one ever committed to THAT. What this women is really saying is ...the entire universe seeks balance in all equations..nice , rather than TOO nice! If you are TOO nice people don't respect it and will take advantage. It's human nature!
I was just thinking about this yesterday.. I was feeling like I should stop being so nice to people. I feel like I just care too much about people and their feelings but people rarely feel the same about me.
i lacked boundaries , then I turned around and got upset at someone because of my lack of boundaries they disrespected me. Its a loose loose situation. Be firm, dont worry if you loose them. its not worth the headache down the road.
Its not be yourself the people who disrespect you are the problem watch who you attract narcissist usually love nice sweet people stand clear of them .
I used to be the kind of person that could not accept compliments or gifts... My dad told me that giving someone compliments and giving gifts to others is a blessing to them. He framed it in the way that denying gifts all the time or telling people they are wrong about their compliments, takes away their blessing. There is nuance of course, but it helped me accept and say thank you more often.
Your dad is so right! There is a famous quote "In accepting the gift you honor the giver." Sometimes, simply accepting and saying thank you is the best way to honor someone.
I have a friend that tolerants disrespect from men she dates. I tell her don't be a doormat. But she goes from tolerating disrespect to disrespecting people.
Our patriarchal society here in America and religious institutions breeds "good girls" or "nice girls". We're taught to sacrifice, over give, and to put other's needs before our own. I'm thankful for channels like yours and the many voices of other women who are pointing out these issues while giving solutions. Women are healing, learning to put themselves first and coming out of these codependent and people pleasing habits. Cheers 🥂 to our growth ladies! 🌹
I'm just learning to be less "nice". I've always been a combination of tye 1 and 2. It's taking a lot of work and I still sometimes feel uncomfortable accepting help and compliments
I’ve been both Type A and B. I won’t lie, it has made me a tad resentful when it comes to men and resistant in my friendships. I’m just so unwilling at this point, but trying to work through it. I was the one always suggesting baecations and date night. In friendship, it may sound petty but I was always the designated driver or driver in general although everyone had a car and license. I’m talking driving in NYC traffic for 2hrs to go to a restaurant, 2 hrs upstate to go to a vineyard, girls night out, etc. Being too nice backfires. I’m single now, but if a man isn’t suggesting and planning, I’m not going. And I am not going out with the girls if it requires me driving. Establish boundaries and standards and do not relent! 💁🏾♀️
10:36: It’s not always about being too nice, some people don’t accept help from others because they don’t want it weaponized against them, as in someone saying “you wouldn’t have that if it wasn’t for me.” Or “I did abc for you, now you owe me xyz.” Some people are only helpful and kind just to create conditions of obligation.
I use to be that overly nice person but then I had to learn to put myself first. Now no is my favorite word. Learning to love me but I will always have a soft heart. just need to balance things out
The best part about this video (even though i haven’t watched it yet) is that i see all the girls in the comments letting me know that I’m not alone. I told my mom earlier today that i don’t have any love left for anyone anymore. Like none at all. I’m tired and burnt out from showing so much love and not getting it back.
Being a doormat is a trauma response . It's because they people are giving what they lack and deserve in hopes people will reciprocate and show up for them . Which is not always the case they end up feeling used and more burned out if you are being a doormat nice please go to therapy
I don't always comment here but you're always in my thought. I've been on this feminine value for a while and you're a source of inspiration, thanks for all that you do. Thanks for always being there to share gems with us. God bless you with more beneficial knowledge. Would love to meet you and give you a warm hug.
"If you don't work here, I can't pay you" I love this and I'm using it! You always deliver 😊 I've been away for a couple of weeks and decided to use that time to get offline for a bit like you recommend. I must go binge your content that I've missed now! ❤❤❤
Glad the video was helpful! I'm so sorry to hear about this😔 I hope you got some ideas here. Part 2 will definitely get deeper into steps on how to begin to turn this around. It will be coming out tomorrow!
This is/ was definitely me ! I worked hard at work ! But I didn’t apply in my everyday relationships , bf I was overly nice , I didn’t know ! Wasn’t taught by my parents so I greatly appreciate you and sharing these insightful videos 🙏🏾♥️
From the Oxford Dictionary: Nice, Origin Middle English (in the sense ‘stupid’): from Old French, from Latin nescius ‘ignorant’, from nescire ‘not know’ I posted the above to show that the original meaning of the word “nice” meant to be stupid/ignorant. Strive to be kind, not nice.
12:38 You always deliver beyond💕. This was pure therapy because this is how I have been feeling after having given myself to so many “friends” and acquaintances. Yet, when you think the same people would do the same, they show repeatedly that they care when it matters to them. I stop my sentences here. Thank you.
I've refused help so much that i became that cactus and now I'm tryna get out of being that person. I dont know how to ask for help without feeling too needy?(can you please a video on that)
Look into the etymology of the word nice. It's meaning has changed drastically over time and yet it hasnt really, it just appears that way. To be nice is to be foolish. Being kind is what we aught to aim for.
I think this is something that you always have to be aware of and check yourself..thank you for this video ❤️🙏 I really don't want to be a Human Cactus 😢😢
This was an excellent video, im definitely in the A category but have a couple of B traits also. I've been accepting this realization that I'm waaaay too nice and really broke down and was hurt over it since the start of the year. Started working on myself and lately have been saying no to ppl mainly family and I'm getting soooo much pushback, this is always how it goes, I say no I get tons of pushback or guilt tripped especially from 2 particular fam members then I end up doing whatever it is, this time tho I'm standing on it if they wanna be mad oh well. It is hard tho but I can't keep putting others before myself,when I realized it wasn't being reciprocated it hurt so bad and I did for a moment start feeling bitter, but I got up and decided to match energy and start to stand on my NO'S, learning to put myself first before anything now while still being a nice person. Being nice is a beautiful quality, but have to learn to protect the energy that's given away with it.
Also the persons who are weak, are that ones who has to stop being nice. Because the powerful persons, for example, rich persons, old men, protected persons.. They already have the respect from the rest. But for example, you are a young girl, everybody see her weak and treat her bad if she doesn't put limits.
Dam I came here to have a good time and I was attacked 😅. Human cactus really cut deep but I'm working on that part of myself. But trauma is deep wound that takes time haha. Appreciate this episode. Can't wait for the next one.
It's all from a place of love, darling!😅 You're absolutely right, it does take time. The important thing is that you're working on it! Cheers to leaving the cactus life behind 🥂💕
Thank you so much for this video. I started standing up for myself a few years ago and I've never felt so much better. I decide how I'm going to be treated. You either respect me or you are off my radar. It's that eeeeezzzy now. I have come this far by grace. Keep up your amazing videos.
The timing is impeccable. I came across this when I've been feeling a lot of resentment. I really going to start resenting myself now and getting back on track with putting myself first.
The world is full of evil people and so women need to put themselves first. Women need to protect themselves and avoid every disrespectful individual and toxic situation.Women need to take care of themselves and always remember that what hurts instructs. Women need to realize that there are men in the world that prey on women and have to be wary of such men. Protect your resources, personal possession and emotional well being. Be security conscious too. Shalom.
Oh that use to be until I heard my name being talked about. It stop so fast and I let them all know what they thought of me. Ha!! They we shocked and pissed that I stopped.
I love doing and being nice to ppl, who either don’t expect it or who’s had some bad breaks lately! If I’m in a relationship, I tend to spoil… but then it backfires because they don’t believe you really could be soo nice! Thinking you must have an agenda. Can’t win for losing, I guess!
Very powerful video. As a scapegoated child to a narcissistic family system everything in this video has been my whole life. Alot of what is being described is people pleasing/fawning which some people use as a survival mechanism. It wasn't until my mom passed away at 53 that I finally woke up. She was an extreme people please and if I continued down this path, I too, would suffer the same fate. Life is short. Whether young or old, anyone can be gone in the blink of an eye. I now ask myself, would I be happy with the way my life is if I were to go tomorrow? Would I be happy with the people I have in my circle and all the memories we shared? Do the people in my circle (family or other) bring peace and goodness into my life? If no, they got to go. I am learning that doing this is not selfish. It's self-love. Standing up for yourself and your worth is self-love. You would not encourage your friend or those you love to be with that toxic person or go above and beyond for them. Why can't you do that for yourself? Thank you for sharing this vital information. People pleasing is extremely harmful and we need to do everything in our power to improve this behaviour. I hope that anyone reading this knows that they aren't alone. A lot of people struggle with people pleasing including myself. Have grace towards yourself. We are all here to get better at stopping it 💛
Wow, this was very in insightful. Tysm. I even noticed I was doing that myself, I was pushing the boundaries of those who are nice, kept asking and getting, so why stop. Similar to people thinking I was nice, and they pushed the boundaries and I came for their necks, now they don't just come to me.
People will make you feel bad as soon as you say No, but I learned No is vitamin N, and I take it as needed, thanks wise woman for this insightful explanations, this is human nature if you let them know you will take it, they will make sure you get more than you need. I loved the kids side of it, so much to learn and improve. We all deserve the best out of life…. Let’s go for it. ❤
This was such a great video! It stung a bit because I found myself displaying behaviors of both types of too nice. My being too nice definitely is a trauma response. However, through with therapy I’m learning to be more assertive and confident. It hasn’t been the easiest but doing the work has been well worth it! Thank you for this video again ❤️ the nice girlies needed this
I totally hear you on this! There are so many women who can relate. I'm so glad this can help, even a little! It's time to take your power back. You've got this 💕
Great question! When it comes to helping - the line is wherever it starts to have a negative impact on you - mentally, physically emotionally or financially. Helping someone should not hurt you. Also being able to place people into categories in invaluable. You shouldn't be as vulnerable with someone you just met as with someone you've been close with for 10 years. Let people prove themselves worthy of your vulnerability! 💕
Only the introduction caught me n now l am being indifferent to people's needs but that is not whom lam meant to be.l derive joy n satisfaction lending a hand n meeting people's need in my little way
OK, so wow, I don't even know where to begin! This video appears to have been made for me and has certainly shown up at the right time in my life since I am currently going through the bitterness stage. I was blaming everyone else and this video has made me realise I do need to reflect and take accountability on the role I played. I definitely was too nice to a lot of underserving people (family and friends alike) but over the last few months, even including today, I have really reigned it in. At first, I was worried over being perceived as someone who was selfish since everyone knows me as the too nice person who always does the most to help out and/or accommodate the wishes of others, and I didn't know how to transition. Then I realised, I didn't want to transition, I simply wanted to stop and couldn't careless if it shocked people. If anything, they probably need the shock to know that I mean business. This is definitely a new version of me and they can either put the work in to get to know me in this skin or remove themselves. One thing I will not continue to do, is give myself (mentally, physically or financially) to underserving individuals again. Thank you for this video, I think if someone who is too nice but doesn't yet realise it watches, then they will start to connect the dots and it may stop them from going through a lot of the things that others of us learnt the hard way. Honestly, you have so much great content but I think this video has got to be my favourite! 💗
It's great to hear that this video was timely for you and coincides with what you've been going through and working on. I'm so proud to hear you say that while you are going to demand better from others, you're also taking accountability for the part you played. That part is so hard, but it also helps you realize that you have the power. While I understand you are in the bitterness stage, which is a normal part of the overly nice cycle - I will make the small suggestion not to make any rash decisions while you're angry and sad. As they say, "don't make permanent decisions based on permanent emotions." Take some time to yourself to and cool off. Consider if there is any room to make adjustments and salvage some of these relationships - some people will be willing to change and meet you where you are now, if it's approached correctly. You can find a way to be a lovely, kind person without being a doormat. It's a tricky line sometimes, but you've got this, love! I hope to keep providing you with helpful tools to navigate this✨💕
@@TheFeminineUniverse what a wonderful reply containing great advice which I will heed. Thank you so much for the time to both read my comment and then respond to it. Appreciate you 🙏
i have such a hard time maintaining boundaries with my relatives since i’m the youngest. I keep saying yes to almost everything and i hate it so much!!
Thank you for this. I really needed this. By the way, I have been following and applying your teachings and now I can’t even stand the amount of male attention I get 😂
Sometimes, depending on the person, you saying no to something can really put someone in a tailspin. ESPECIALLY when it comes to food. I don't know what it is, but when it comes to rejecting food people get offended on a whole different level. I'm a fat person so when someone offers me something at work and I say no, people get really upset that I don't want to take the food they don't want or aren't hungry for. Like, either they'll specifically ask me or they'll ask everyone else but get upset with me particularly because *I* said no. I remember one time when I was actively trying to lose weight and I rejected my mother's food twice. Just twice! In my 30 years of existence. The next time I went to her house she said, "I would offer you something to eat, but you always say no to my food so..." It reminds me of when guys get upset and immediately go to, "I guess I'll never say anything again."
I really love how structured and useful all the information in your videos is. I always feel like your content is a result of a deep research, then carefully groomed and presented for us to learn the best tips and apply them in real life. And I want to say that this is so refreshing that you don’t look at other TH-camrs (I see many other channels are just repeating one another) and communicate your own views and philosophy of life in a very creative way! It helped me to look at many things from a different angle, it’s like having a new friend with a fresh look who is willing to share her wisdom🙏❤ Thank you for your work!❤
Wow! Thank you for such a thoughtful, comment, Veronica! It truly pains me to see my fellow women struggle and suffer. So, I do my very best to research and tackle issues that I think will help us all master ourselves, our environments and live the best lives possible. I certainly have strong feelings about some things😅 Some topics are fun; some are heavy but they're all necessary. I really appreciate your feedback. More to come, love 💕
I think the issue is about being nice from a place of fear/cowardice/trauma vs. being nice from a place of confidence, principle and overall strong sense of self. The former is where most of the 'toxic benevolence' comes from because these people are obsessed with their self-image and social approval so their 'niceness' is mostly a survival mechanism rather than exercising any real virtue.
I feel like not a lot of people talk about when women or people in general are very close to God and their religion because usually the people or women who give so much(and I know this because it’s me) are usually like this because they know Christ wants us to love and give the same way he did and it’s a struggle when those around you tell you to not and to become Earthly, I’ve been at a point in my life (that I’m still struggling with) where I’ve become isolated and just not my kind self and it doesn’t feel good, treating others how they treat you doesn’t sit well with the type of person that I am and in my soul😕
The issue isn’t in being nice, it’s being a people pleaser, lacking boundaries, over extending oneself, taking on others problems. Take your cape off and go heal. There are people worth being nice to. Love the video ❤️
💯
You don’t have to always be nice but you must always be kind. Boundaries is kindness to yourself.
Yes! That's exactly what I mean when I say the definition of "nice" has been so distorted. People pleasing, not having boundaries etc etc, has been mistakenly tagged as "being nice." And yes, there are absolutely people worth being nice too - we just have to know the difference😊 Thanks for chiming in, Rachel!
@@TheFeminineUniverse you’re welcome 🫶🏾
Thank you Queen
Yes the day I stopped being too nice I attracted a healthy relationship with a great guy, dropped toxic friends, and started investing in myself and getting everything I want! Love this, you always come through girl!
I love all of this for you, darling! Reading this might give the girls struggling with this the push they need to reform their overly nice ways! Thanks for sharing 💕
I believe that was the time you became your real self and stopped suppressing your best. That’s what attracted the great relationship. Fraud repels; real attracts.👍💪 ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Really? I love success stories lol ❤
I decline "offers of help" from people with negative or ulterior intentions.
What do you mean by "offers of help"? And how do you determine the motives of another person?
As you should 💯
Of course! It would never be recommended to take anything from those who you know (or suspect) have bad intentions towards you. This referred specifically to those who decline _everything_ from _everyone_ , even when it would be beneficial to them😉
I'm a helper, and if I decide to help myself instead of someone else, they are either surprised or get mad at me.
Overly nice is often a sign of trauma. Its a lot deeper than just saying “don’t do it”.
The aim is not to trivialize or be reductive towards the issue. Trauma is one of maybe 3-5 possible reasons for this behavior. And even those who learn it as a trauma response, sometimes don't realize they're doing it or that it's trickling into other parts of their life. Having it pointed out and becoming aware of the long-term effects/dangers is a crucial part of beginning to make changes. Thanks for chiming in!
The first step is to explain this attitude and provide small steps that we can take to manage so we do not completely lose ourselves. Videos like this one provides impactful awareness that makes us see the need to get requisite help.💎👍👍✊✊
Yea it be hard for me to Speak up about things and I be being a people pleaser because how my mother treated me when I was younger. I get taken advantage of by people i have trouble speaking up for myself. I’m still learning getting better at it .
I had a breakdown this morning over not being able to stand up for myself so this was much needed!
Same😭😭.
I'm sorry to hear that, love😔But I'm glad this was helpful! We will be getting into some strategies to help you get more comfortable standing up for yourself. Sending positive energy and internal strength your way ✨💕
@@TheFeminineUniverse thank you queen, really appreciate it! 😭💚
I was like this for the past 6 months
"How to stop being too nice if you are already in that category". I find this is the major hurdle because people tend to get offended once you are no longer their therapist/assistant/hype woman. Adults can act just like those 2 year olds mentioned.
Exactly!! It's all good when u bend over backwards for them but when u realize you're doing too much and pull back a bit it's a problem!
It’s a good practice to be able to handle those people being disappointed and still hold onto yourself. Then the prison door is open and your walking thru it. Being a people pleaser is a jail sentence where other people control our lives
@@lindsaypeek63 "Disappointed" ⬅️ There is my biggest problem in my behavior. That look that people get when they are disappointed distresses me. It makes me sad. I want everyone to be happy. I have realized that isn't possible, but it still sucks.
@@belindawilliams4915 You can always give them some news. "I notice I don't focus much in my needs, I'm practicing this now, I may not be available to give as much support as before."
In a program that I do they separate "help" from "support" in a way that help means to try to take over the problem for the person and support means lend a hand in some problem that the person is already TRYING to solve themselves. So whenever you can open your schedule to give support you always start asking "what is the matter and what you are trying to do to solve it". Doesn't need to be all in one go. It can be: "what is happening, what is the problem?" and then "how are you trying to handle it?"
So this way you can be near, but don't take the problem to you. You don't let people involve you in their issues. If the person is not trying anything, you will lead by suggesting that she can find ways to deal with it, and you can always delegate. Sometimes people need a lawyer, a therapist, a nurse, a professional, not a friend.
Be good without letting yourself feel pity of others. Everyone can take action, your "help" is just believe that they can take over their own responsabilities. You can suggest courses of action, but never take the actions yourself. People need to step up to their own needs. This way they can be trained to be independent instead of helpless.
They sure can! One coworker stopped speaking to me because I didn't switch shifts with her.
Be Kind Not Nice! There's a difference!
Yes!! I talk about this more in Part 2 😊
“Nice” is usually a façade for something else. Strive to be kind. It’s Biblical 💕
codependency
I like that you pointed out that kindness is biblical. Yes, it is.....😊
@@alianasskincare for my experience, it always is!
@@denisebrock3154 🫶🏾
You ladies are on it! Seeking to be kind instead of nice is one of the points in part 2. We're on the same wavelength ✨
I had both Type A and Type B down to a science, and I learned this growing up with Mom and with people I knew. I was an asset until I said "no", then I was a liability. I learned later in life that I couldn't please everyone, and that not everyone is deserving of you.
@TheLeslieMichelle. Whew!! Love that last line... Everyone is not deserving of you(my time, my money, etc)
@@audreymo63 Exactly! You have to give yourself credit sometimes for putting up with others. Because being a good person isn't easy.
Girl, you better say that....
Take note ladies. In my younger days I was the proverbial doormat men...a pleaser, too agreeable, lacked sense of self and got walked all over! No one ever committed to THAT. What this women is really saying is ...the entire universe seeks balance in all equations..nice , rather than TOO nice! If you are TOO nice people don't respect it and will take advantage. It's human nature!
100%
I was just thinking about this yesterday.. I was feeling like I should stop being so nice to people. I feel like I just care too much about people and their feelings but people rarely feel the same about me.
Same
Same
i stopped being nice to friends because it leads to not respecting me and even taking advatage of my helpful nature.
i lacked boundaries , then I turned around and got upset at someone because of my lack of boundaries they disrespected me. Its a loose loose situation. Be firm, dont worry if you loose them. its not worth the headache down the road.
Its not be yourself the people who disrespect you are the problem watch who you attract narcissist usually love nice sweet people stand clear of them .
I used to be the kind of person that could not accept compliments or gifts... My dad told me that giving someone compliments and giving gifts to others is a blessing to them. He framed it in the way that denying gifts all the time or telling people they are wrong about their compliments, takes away their blessing. There is nuance of course, but it helped me accept and say thank you more often.
Your dad is so right! There is a famous quote "In accepting the gift you honor the giver." Sometimes, simply accepting and saying thank you is the best way to honor someone.
I have a friend that tolerants disrespect from men she dates. I tell her don't be a doormat. But she goes from tolerating disrespect to disrespecting people.
Our patriarchal society here in America and religious institutions breeds "good girls" or "nice girls". We're taught to sacrifice, over give, and to put other's needs before our own. I'm thankful for channels like yours and the many voices of other women who are pointing out these issues while giving solutions. Women are healing, learning to put themselves first and coming out of these codependent and people pleasing habits. Cheers 🥂 to our growth ladies! 🌹
YES, self prioritization will save us as women
👏
I'm just learning to be less "nice". I've always been a combination of tye 1 and 2. It's taking a lot of work and I still sometimes feel uncomfortable accepting help and compliments
I’ve been both Type A and B. I won’t lie, it has made me a tad resentful when it comes to men and resistant in my friendships. I’m just so unwilling at this point, but trying to work through it. I was the one always suggesting baecations and date night. In friendship, it may sound petty but I was always the designated driver or driver in general although everyone had a car and license. I’m talking driving in NYC traffic for 2hrs to go to a restaurant, 2 hrs upstate to go to a vineyard, girls night out, etc. Being too nice backfires. I’m single now, but if a man isn’t suggesting and planning, I’m not going. And I am not going out with the girls if it requires me driving. Establish boundaries and standards and do not relent! 💁🏾♀️
10:36: It’s not always about being too nice, some people don’t accept help from others because they don’t want it weaponized against them, as in someone saying “you wouldn’t have that if it wasn’t for me.” Or “I did abc for you, now you owe me xyz.” Some people are only helpful and kind just to create conditions of obligation.
I use to be that overly nice person but then I had to learn to put myself first. Now no is my favorite word. Learning to love me but I will always have a soft heart. just need to balance things out
The best part about this video (even though i haven’t watched it yet) is that i see all the girls in the comments letting me know that I’m not alone. I told my mom earlier today that i don’t have any love left for anyone anymore. Like none at all. I’m tired and burnt out from showing so much love and not getting it back.
Being a doormat is a trauma response . It's because they people are giving what they lack and deserve in hopes people will reciprocate and show up for them . Which is not always the case they end up feeling used and more burned out if you are being a doormat nice please go to therapy
Recovering nice girl. Really needed this video.
Hope it helped, love! Part 2 will be out tomorrow😊
I don't always comment here but you're always in my thought. I've been on this feminine value for a while and you're a source of inspiration, thanks for all that you do.
Thanks for always being there to share gems with us. God bless you with more beneficial knowledge.
Would love to meet you and give you a warm hug.
This was such a sweet comment! Thank you for taking the time to write it. Maybe one day we'll get to meet and that can happen 😊 xo💕
Ditto! I'm looking forward to a first-time ever Feminine Universe social event! 🤗
People really need to talk about this more.
It's definitely a valuable conversation to have!
"If you don't work here, I can't pay you" I love this and I'm using it! You always deliver 😊
I've been away for a couple of weeks and decided to use that time to get offline for a bit like you recommend. I must go binge your content that I've missed now! ❤❤❤
I will be using this from now on. I used to say, "You can't stay if you don't pay."
I like yours better.😊
I was just having this conversation with my mom! It’s so important to have boundaries and say no
So important! It's wonderful that you and your mom are having these conversations 💕
This video couldn't have come fast enough. I just had a breakdown, and I really needed this. Thank you for your content.
Glad the video was helpful! I'm so sorry to hear about this😔 I hope you got some ideas here. Part 2 will definitely get deeper into steps on how to begin to turn this around. It will be coming out tomorrow!
Part 2 needs to come out today too lol💕💕 great content
Haha! You'll have it in a few days, love 💕
Thank you so much for the video. 'if you don't work here, then you definitely shouldn't be paid'. This will be my mantra for the month of June.
Period!!!!!
Not you including the mischievous little boy at Christmas meme 😂 Love the video as always. ❤
This is/ was definitely me ! I worked hard at work ! But I didn’t apply in my everyday relationships , bf I was overly nice , I didn’t know ! Wasn’t taught by my parents so I greatly appreciate you and sharing these insightful videos 🙏🏾♥️
From the Oxford Dictionary: Nice, Origin
Middle English (in the sense ‘stupid’): from Old French, from Latin nescius ‘ignorant’, from nescire ‘not know’
I posted the above to show that the original meaning of the word “nice” meant to be stupid/ignorant. Strive to be kind, not nice.
12:38 You always deliver beyond💕. This was pure therapy because this is how I have been feeling after having given myself to so many “friends” and acquaintances. Yet, when you think the same people would do the same, they show repeatedly that they care when it matters to them. I stop my sentences here. Thank you.
Thank you for this video bc I’m been taken advantage(and disrespected) by way too many people.. female friends, guys, family members, coworkers etc
I've refused help so much that i became that cactus and now I'm tryna get out of being that person. I dont know how to ask for help without feeling too needy?(can you please a video on that)
I've got you, love! That will be in the next video.
Look into the etymology of the word nice. It's meaning has changed drastically over time and yet it hasnt really, it just appears that way. To be nice is to be foolish. Being kind is what we aught to aim for.
Looking forward to part 2, I truly learnt a lot from today's video ❤❤❤❤
Coming soon, love! 💕
I love your voice girl , it's healing my soul plus your channel helps me alot
Thank you, love! I'm so glad I can help 💕
I think this is something that you always have to be aware of and check yourself..thank you for this video ❤️🙏 I really don't want to be a Human Cactus 😢😢
Yes! Especially if you're naturally the helpful type. You have to check in regularly and make sure you're ok and you're being treated well too 💕
This was an excellent video, im definitely in the A category but have a couple of B traits also. I've been accepting this realization that I'm waaaay too nice and really broke down and was hurt over it since the start of the year. Started working on myself and lately have been saying no to ppl mainly family and I'm getting soooo much pushback, this is always how it goes, I say no I get tons of pushback or guilt tripped especially from 2 particular fam members then I end up doing whatever it is, this time tho I'm standing on it if they wanna be mad oh well. It is hard tho but I can't keep putting others before myself,when I realized it wasn't being reciprocated it hurt so bad and I did for a moment start feeling bitter, but I got up and decided to match energy and start to stand on my NO'S, learning to put myself first before anything now while still being a nice person. Being nice is a beautiful quality, but have to learn to protect the energy that's given away with it.
Looking forward to the next video on this topic!🙌🏾❤
This has so many "perfect examples", well done!
Thank you! Glad you found it useful 😊
Also the persons who are weak, are that ones who has to stop being nice.
Because the powerful persons, for example, rich persons, old men, protected persons.. They already have the respect from the rest.
But for example, you are a young girl, everybody see her weak and treat her bad if she doesn't put limits.
Niceness don't hardly works in this world !! Christine chastity lampkin.
Dam I came here to have a good time and I was attacked 😅. Human cactus really cut deep but I'm working on that part of myself. But trauma is deep wound that takes time haha. Appreciate this episode. Can't wait for the next one.
It's all from a place of love, darling!😅 You're absolutely right, it does take time. The important thing is that you're working on it! Cheers to leaving the cactus life behind 🥂💕
Thank you so much for this video. I started standing up for myself a few years ago and I've never felt so much better. I decide how I'm going to be treated. You either respect me or you are off my radar. It's that eeeeezzzy now. I have come this far by grace. Keep up your amazing videos.
Awww. Thank you so much ❤
You're welcome, love! 💕
I always say “MEAN PEOPLE SUCK”
Yup thank you. NEEDED this. This is my self care safe space
The timing is impeccable. I came across this when I've been feeling a lot of resentment. I really going to start resenting myself now and getting back on track with putting myself first.
My goodness, what a gem 💎
Glad you found it valuable, love! 💕
The world is full of evil people and so women need to put themselves first. Women need to protect themselves and avoid every disrespectful individual and toxic situation.Women need to take care of themselves and always remember that what hurts instructs. Women need to realize that there are men in the world that prey on women and have to be wary of such men. Protect your resources, personal possession and emotional well being. Be security conscious too. Shalom.
Oh that use to be until I heard my name being talked about. It stop so fast and I let them all know what they thought of me. Ha!! They we shocked and pissed that I stopped.
People always seem shocked when others won't tolerate their nonsense any longer 😅
@@TheFeminineUniverse so sad and dumb on there part.
I love doing and being nice to ppl, who either don’t expect it or who’s had some bad breaks lately! If I’m in a relationship, I tend to spoil… but then it backfires because they don’t believe you really could be soo nice! Thinking you must have an agenda. Can’t win for losing, I guess!
Very powerful video. As a scapegoated child to a narcissistic family system everything in this video has been my whole life. Alot of what is being described is people pleasing/fawning which some people use as a survival mechanism. It wasn't until my mom passed away at 53 that I finally woke up. She was an extreme people please and if I continued down this path, I too, would suffer the same fate. Life is short. Whether young or old, anyone can be gone in the blink of an eye. I now ask myself, would I be happy with the way my life is if I were to go tomorrow? Would I be happy with the people I have in my circle and all the memories we shared? Do the people in my circle (family or other) bring peace and goodness into my life? If no, they got to go. I am learning that doing this is not selfish. It's self-love. Standing up for yourself and your worth is self-love. You would not encourage your friend or those you love to be with that toxic person or go above and beyond for them. Why can't you do that for yourself?
Thank you for sharing this vital information. People pleasing is extremely harmful and we need to do everything in our power to improve this behaviour. I hope that anyone reading this knows that they aren't alone. A lot of people struggle with people pleasing including myself. Have grace towards yourself. We are all here to get better at stopping it 💛
Cant wait for part 2!
Dropping tomorrow morning, love! 💕
After seeing this video , I felt as if iam seeing my life. I was too good to people around me 😢 love 💕 from India 🇮🇳
Thank you for this video!
You're very welcome, love 💕
Wow, this was very in insightful. Tysm. I even noticed I was doing that myself, I was pushing the boundaries of those who are nice, kept asking and getting, so why stop. Similar to people thinking I was nice, and they pushed the boundaries and I came for their necks, now they don't just come to me.
People will make you feel bad as soon as you say No, but I learned No is vitamin N, and I take it as needed, thanks wise woman for this insightful explanations, this is human nature if you let them know you will take it, they will make sure you get more than you need. I loved the kids side of it, so much to learn and improve. We all deserve the best out of life…. Let’s go for it. ❤
Amazing content! I can't wait for part 2
I'll get it to you in a few days, love!
This was such a great video! It stung a bit because I found myself displaying behaviors of both types of too nice. My being too nice definitely is a trauma response. However, through with therapy I’m learning to be more assertive and confident. It hasn’t been the easiest but doing the work has been well worth it! Thank you for this video again ❤️ the nice girlies needed this
I totally hear you on this! There are so many women who can relate. I'm so glad this can help, even a little! It's time to take your power back. You've got this 💕
I love this channel ❤️
Love having you as part of the family!! 💕
Yes I’ve started to have boundaries and I feel great
Great step, love! Keep it up 💕
This video is on point!
This is an absolutely 'must listen to' - thank you so much
On one hand you should show vulnerability on. The other hand you should not show weaknesses...where. Is the line
Fabulous question! No doubt the line is fine...
Great question! When it comes to helping - the line is wherever it starts to have a negative impact on you - mentally, physically emotionally or financially. Helping someone should not hurt you.
Also being able to place people into categories in invaluable. You shouldn't be as vulnerable with someone you just met as with someone you've been close with for 10 years. Let people prove themselves worthy of your vulnerability! 💕
Thank you universe for all these blessings chasing me down
Girl I love your videos! ❤
I love having you here, darling! Welcome to the TFU family 💕
Only the introduction caught me n now l am being indifferent to people's needs but that is not whom lam meant to be.l derive joy n satisfaction lending a hand n meeting people's need in my little way
Thank you for posting. I am the nice girl. I learned a lot about myself through this video. See you in part II.
Thank you! I needed this reminder ❤
You're welcome, love!
Excellent video and you did bring this in a new light
I desperately need that part 2 because I'm so tired and exhausted of being the nice girl.
Thank you so much! U hv been a great impact in my life
I needed this video…kicked me in the butt in the best way possible.🤯🙏🏻💞
I needed this such a lesson great work hun.
Your analysis and advice on self care and development is always on point and life saving.💎👌👍🙏🙏🙏
Such generous words! I'm so happy my content provides value in your life, darling 💕
Another steller, supportive video... thank you ❤
Kate! Great to hear from you, love! I'm glad you enjoyed this one. Hope you've been well 💕
OK, so wow, I don't even know where to begin! This video appears to have been made for me and has certainly shown up at the right time in my life since I am currently going through the bitterness stage. I was blaming everyone else and this video has made me realise I do need to reflect and take accountability on the role I played. I definitely was too nice to a lot of underserving people (family and friends alike) but over the last few months, even including today, I have really reigned it in. At first, I was worried over being perceived as someone who was selfish since everyone knows me as the too nice person who always does the most to help out and/or accommodate the wishes of others, and I didn't know how to transition. Then I realised, I didn't want to transition, I simply wanted to stop and couldn't careless if it shocked people. If anything, they probably need the shock to know that I mean business. This is definitely a new version of me and they can either put the work in to get to know me in this skin or remove themselves. One thing I will not continue to do, is give myself (mentally, physically or financially) to underserving individuals again.
Thank you for this video, I think if someone who is too nice but doesn't yet realise it watches, then they will start to connect the dots and it may stop them from going through a lot of the things that others of us learnt the hard way. Honestly, you have so much great content but I think this video has got to be my favourite! 💗
It's great to hear that this video was timely for you and coincides with what you've been going through and working on. I'm so proud to hear you say that while you are going to demand better from others, you're also taking accountability for the part you played. That part is so hard, but it also helps you realize that you have the power.
While I understand you are in the bitterness stage, which is a normal part of the overly nice cycle - I will make the small suggestion not to make any rash decisions while you're angry and sad. As they say, "don't make permanent decisions based on permanent emotions." Take some time to yourself to and cool off. Consider if there is any room to make adjustments and salvage some of these relationships - some people will be willing to change and meet you where you are now, if it's approached correctly. You can find a way to be a lovely, kind person without being a doormat. It's a tricky line sometimes, but you've got this, love! I hope to keep providing you with helpful tools to navigate this✨💕
@@TheFeminineUniverse what a wonderful reply containing great advice which I will heed. Thank you so much for the time to both read my comment and then respond to it. Appreciate you 🙏
I absolutely love your new look. You look stunning! Also please do more what you eat in a day videos!! I tried your previous
recipes and I loved them.
This hit home 🥺 but it shows me how much I’ve grown 👏🏾
Wooo!! Glad to hear you've grown and make progress in this area! Hope this was a helpful reminder. Stay strong, love 💕
I looooveed this!!! So many gems
Glad you found it valuable, love! 💕
“If you don’t work here , l can’t pay you”
WOW 🙌🏾
Period!!!!
i have such a hard time maintaining boundaries with my relatives since i’m the youngest. I keep saying yes to almost everything and i hate it so much!!
Thank you for this video...
Thank you for this. I really needed this. By the way, I have been following and applying your teachings and now I can’t even stand the amount of male attention I get 😂
Thank you for making this video!!
You're welcome, Megan! 💕
Patiently awaiting part 2 of this.❤
You'll have it in a few days, love! 💕
Sometimes, depending on the person, you saying no to something can really put someone in a tailspin. ESPECIALLY when it comes to food. I don't know what it is, but when it comes to rejecting food people get offended on a whole different level. I'm a fat person so when someone offers me something at work and I say no, people get really upset that I don't want to take the food they don't want or aren't hungry for. Like, either they'll specifically ask me or they'll ask everyone else but get upset with me particularly because *I* said no.
I remember one time when I was actively trying to lose weight and I rejected my mother's food twice. Just twice! In my 30 years of existence. The next time I went to her house she said, "I would offer you something to eat, but you always say no to my food so..." It reminds me of when guys get upset and immediately go to, "I guess I'll never say anything again."
Thank you for this
Much needed video thank you, looking forward to part 2 ❤
Coming your way in a few days, love!
@@TheFeminineUniverse great part 2, thank you!
This is gold !!! 🙏💜
Glad you enjoyed it, love! 💕
Loved and needed this 🥰🥹🥹
Glad it was helpful, love! 💕
I really love how structured and useful all the information in your videos is. I always feel like your content is a result of a deep research, then carefully groomed and presented for us to learn the best tips and apply them in real life.
And I want to say that this is so refreshing that you don’t look at other TH-camrs (I see many other channels are just repeating one another) and communicate your own views and philosophy of life in a very creative way!
It helped me to look at many things from a different angle, it’s like having a new friend with a fresh look who is willing to share her wisdom🙏❤
Thank you for your work!❤
Wow! Thank you for such a thoughtful, comment, Veronica! It truly pains me to see my fellow women struggle and suffer. So, I do my very best to research and tackle issues that I think will help us all master ourselves, our environments and live the best lives possible. I certainly have strong feelings about some things😅 Some topics are fun; some are heavy but they're all necessary. I really appreciate your feedback. More to come, love 💕
@@TheFeminineUniverse i really appreciate your feedback too! You are such a kind and beautiful lady, I am so happy to be a part of your community!🤍♥️
I have been struggling with this for long time.
Loved every bit of this video!! I hust ahdbto comment again
I think the issue is about being nice from a place of fear/cowardice/trauma vs. being nice from a place of confidence, principle and overall strong sense of self. The former is where most of the 'toxic benevolence' comes from because these people are obsessed with their self-image and social approval so their 'niceness' is mostly a survival mechanism rather than exercising any real virtue.
I feel like not a lot of people talk about when women or people in general are very close to God and their religion because usually the people or women who give so much(and I know this because it’s me) are usually like this because they know Christ wants us to love and give the same way he did and it’s a struggle when those around you tell you to not and to become Earthly, I’ve been at a point in my life (that I’m still struggling with) where I’ve become isolated and just not my kind self and it doesn’t feel good, treating others how they treat you doesn’t sit well with the type of person that I am and in my soul😕