Literally on my way to treatment rn. Your correct, I felt because of my trauma etc, I should expect sympathy and excuse my behavior. No, it’s my fault, I’m an adult, bottom line, nobody did this but me to me. My family had given me a million passes, they are done and rightfully so. I’m tired of this game, can’t even call this a life. That’s what I had, I did a great job messing it up, let’s see if I can own my crap and put it back together. It’s the least my family deserves and your correct, I’m not adding anything to my family or society rn and for the last few years. I’m just existing and consuming. I’m really hoping I’m deeply tired of this and done. Because, this stopped being fun about a year in. Here goes.
wow, Heather. I'm really impressed with your determination and humility. Those are the exact right ingrediencies for a really positive outcome! good for you
I know this was 3 years ago, but I'm struggling w someone who's battling addiction, and your comment brought tears and hope to my eyes ❤ I pray all is well w you Friend, and you closed that door for good. And, if you fell of the wagon, reading your comment, I can see you're someone who takes responsibility, and can do anything you set your mind to ❤❤
I've been struggling for many years with an Adderall addiction. This particular video rings true for me. I put some sticky notes up around my apartment that say STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF. Thank you for sharing something so insightful that I never before considered.
Amber has been a Godsend in helping me understand why the cycle continues and what I could do about it. This video seems to boil it down to an essential truth. Hats off to you, Amber. You are a light in the storm.
I LOVE this one; so true. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. That works for both sides of the coin, too. Co-dependents or enablers are sad sacks, too. We can all take the cure here.
Codependents feel sorry for their loved ones using, but I don’t see how they feel sorry for themselves in order to justify their behavior. Can you give an example?
Sending this to my 25 year old daughter who has been addicted to Meth and Heroin for 6 years. I hope she will watch but I am also paying very close attention so that I can explain this to her when I have the opportunity. It's been a terrifying journey of homelessness, overdoses, prison, psychosis, treatment and relapse after relapse. I am positive that this is at the root of her addiction. Thank you SO much!! I am finding your channel to be a very helpful resource 💕
Thank you for your reply 🙏. My daughter is in treatment again. Hoping and praying for the best. My hope is guarded however considering the history she's had. I really appreciate your concern and I'm keeping you and your family in my prayers. God bless 🙏.
Going on 2 yrs here from treatment and I still fight it. The anger that I'm this way, that I can't EVER join in again. Comes and goes but yes, overall pitying myself that I can't do what I want to. I think it's ok though every now and then to be angry about being alcoholic. No one said you have to like it......just have to be honest with yourself about it. By the way, I got the answer to the question I had by reading your bio/history. Most of the counselors and doc's I had dealt with were recovering alcoholics as well. For me, as you say, the danger is the pity party that "entitles" me to put me first........not my loved ones or not the me that I like that I've become. good video...........told ya it would be
I kinda figured you were wondering if I was in recovery. I get that question all the time. I used to worry about that question some, but not anymore. It hasn't been an issue with the clients I see in such a long time. When I get that question, I know that what someone is really asking me is..."Can you understand me?". Thank you so much for watching my video and especially for sharing some about your story!
@@PutTheShovelDown yep, that was it. I think you have a unique perspective with your family history to identify with the families of those with addicted loved ones too. From listening to several of your videos I think you get what makes folks tick as alcoholics too. We all have different bottom's and light-bulb moments but there is a lot of the same too. Thanks for the reply.
@@PutTheShovelDown WoW! So glad I recently discovered you on TH-cam..Btw👆🤔..no doubt it's TRUE (in many situations in life) Perhaps it ReallY DOES take one to know one🤔 BraVo to you👆👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
Hi Amber, thank you for the video. I think that is a good reason to look out for a counselor who is familiar with the Psychology of addiction . My spouse went to a "normal" counselor and she totally supported his victim thinking and feeling sorry for him when in reality he had great, supportive parents and a spouse deeply loving and caring for him. Its so important to go to an addiction counselor!!
You're so right Millstreet. It's really hard to know the truth (even for addiction counseling). The person is very convincing (mostly because they believe these things themselves). It's so important for family to be involved. If families we'rent involved in our process, I don't think I'd ever get the full picture!
Put the shuffel down , it took me almost a year and a half to recognise this "victim" pattern. I was falling for it as well because no one is perfect but it was so repetitive and expanded towards his apartment that was so bad, bis car that was not good enough , his terrible friends until i thought that raising problems and highlighting issues was some kind of mental problem until i found you Amber and it all klicked together. I dont even think that he was aware of it to be honest. If there wasnt a problem he would find it. That was going on almost 24/7 and i was busy fixing " problems" doubting myself and stuck in the enabling cycle cause i didnt know the amount he was using myself. Its very sad in the end for everybody incl the addict
@@millstreetteut7835 see in this I'm the one on something but my wife is the one doing everything to not support me for instance nothing has changed since ive started changimg she has to argue everyday about literally nothing
I hope this goes viral! Your online program for families is amazing and has helped me a lot already. Thanks for basing it on the CRAFT model. Keep up the good work
His son died. I have NEVER seen someone who has found the actual right to wreck lives, destroy futures and give ‘em the middle finger. He said nobody understands or cares. I said you’re right. Nobody gives a shit. Meanwhile he’s polluting our lives with pity. I don’t pity him so you can only imagine the hell I’ve been through. Looking for a new home. Say a prayer for me. I’ve had enough
Going with makjng a story of empowerment instead of being addicted to the victim mode story. It’s hard to train your Brain to change but it starts with gratitude
Bingo!! Thanks Amber!! This hit home...so glad to see that when the person with SUD starts to finally become honest with themselves, they're getting somewhere. It also shows when they grasp the reality and are honest with themselves.
I feel the fundamental thought is this: if others treat me badly, i am entitled to treat them badly as well. So when they feel wronged, they feel they are entitled to hurt them in return. So they misunderstand the basic concept of: how you behave and treat others, despite how they treat you, is responsible of where your life is heading.
Mrs. Amber 😮 you nailed it. I even went and got a mirror and said it to myself “STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF! 😮 I have 72 days sober 🎊 I FEEL PROUD OF MY SELF 👏🏼. Sending love 💕
😭"it's not a right to get high and cause destruction and pain" ❤️❤️‼️ I love that. Today we believe we are entitled to and have rights to this and that. Indigenous beliefs teach we have responsibilities. To the world. I can't express how much I identify with this. I love the saying at some point you stop being a victim and become a volunteer. Yes we have been wronged in life or harmed but anything you allow will continue 🙌🥴 I'm currently 2months clean and I'm struggling with nightmares flashbacks and drug dreams. I stumbled onto this channel and I'm so grateful. This type of emotional awareness behind behaviors and honest truths are very helpful. Especially that I'm able to listen to it privately. I plan to discuss these things with my casac. 🙏😘
Oh my goodness- I’ve never heard this before! Each time I want to use, I’m thinking, whatever has happened to bother me & “I deserve this”. Thank you 💜
Really appreciate the content, this is painfully accurate. My primary excuse is covering up rlly bad mental struggles, only to avoid the fact it's a temporary solution while getting worse over time
Amber is right. Stop playing the victim and you will be free from addiction. Addiction is not now nor has it ever been a disease. Medical professionals call it a disease so that they can get paid by insurance companies for their treatment programs. Heart trouble, cancer, hyperthyroidism, diabetes are examples of diseases. Addictions stem from wanting to hide from one's issues and not address them head on. Substance abuse (in whatever form) seems cool for awhile until it isnt. Then the addict is trapped in a cycle of having to keep abusing in order to feel good. Again, victim mentality.
Excellent advice. I have 2 adult addicted sons, 49 y/o ( Benzodiazepines), 42 y/o Marijuana/Alcohol. Been through years of therapy. I’ve heard this all.
My adult addict son is forever feeling sorry for himself. Everyone and everything is to blame for his predicament. Society, capitalism, weird conspiracy theories, his parents, whatever is handy. He came home a couple of weeks ago, pleading, contrite, saying he was ready for rehab. He gave us the keys to his car, his phone, we are tapering him down from kratom, and it's been sheer hell. We now want him to go to a rehab facility that can deal with him, but he is fighting us tooth and nail. We don't know what to do. I can't believe we fell for it again. Most of all, I can't imagine he'll ever get better if he doesn't take any responsibility.
one last comment, from what I see in my lineage, the addicted person is usually reflecting a pattern in the family only they're taking it to an extreme disease level. and they may not be the only one in the line to have done that. so we all need to see where the self-pity starts and stop the buck with us. when we change, they have the opportunity to change as well.
I have said this in Alanon and really connected with a few people but really pissed off others, especially the double-dippers (AA & Alanon participants). Addiction is a disease, the addict is not a victim of Addiction, they are a casualty of Addiction. Their friends, family and coworkers are the victims.
Do have any suggestions fir dealing with an addict who is also on the Autism Spectrum or ADHD? I feel like this advice of working on changing negative self talk, and being the victim works for a lot of people. But would having a condition where executive function is already altered naturally change the approach?
Excellent video Amber...I so agree...the dry alcoholic no self help..the Woe is Me Syndrome..PAWS so true..Pity Party that Never Ends! Truth! "Honesty" of self past present and plan for the future with a constant Honest follow through! Thanks for the confirm..you are Awesome!👍👍💖
I feel bad for not seeing my sister in hospital detoxing she said our mum did not care about her I told her we all would be their when she came round we always were I told her it was hard for our mum seeing her do that to herself I feel bad for seeing that as she passed away five weeks later she said my mum was all our brother and getting on at her all the time I feel so bad we couldn’t save her.
Thanks Heather! If you are going to try and get your husband to listen to a video, pick one that you think he'll relate to most. This one might be too confrontational to start with!
I lost hope at this point :( I no longer want to be with this guy. He consumed all my energy. My life has become all about his excessive drinking. He took a really long break and started drinking again. I am tired of going thru these cycles. Worst part is he gets drunk at festivals. He tells me he won't and he does it again. When I ask him "Did this occur to you that we got in many fights before and I broke up with you before because you drink in festivals where I cannot watch the show because I am too busy babysitting you?" He said he did not even think about me for a split second while starting to drink. I just cannot believe it. He claims he is getting better but still drinks really excessively. Worst part is he left me at the festival to get a beer and I got physically abused by a guy & got touched. This guy "my bf" is only dragging me down. I am a full time engineer with a high paying job. I am beautiful. I am smart. I am a comedian I do comedy. This is just so weird that I believed his lies and moved in with him. My work is going to shit because of him. He gets fucked up and does not let me sleep at night because he sleeps so weird when drunk and I wake up and it causes me to not be able to function at work. I am staying at an airbnb right now just to be able to function at work sleep well & not be angry and stressed about his drinking. I am so beyond frustrated. He blames me ! Can you believe this? He blames me that I stay at an airbnb to get some space &sleep. He thought I was cheating &wanting to punish him. This guy has a clear problem and it is beyond me at this point. Even the love she shows me it feels like I am weed or alcohol and not a person. He is addicted to me because I am funny & sexy a good distraction from the world. He says he won't drink again but it is all a lie I don't believe anything he says anymore. I am just sad that I built this life my engineering career, my home, my cat and it is all going down because of him. I don't know how this guy functions at all at work (which is part time job).. On top of everything he smokes weed everyday. This guy is high every work week (replaced alcohol with weed) and drunk on the weekends since the beginning of May 2022 (when he started drinking again) His drinking is destroying my life. I am so stressed out all the time. I cannot think about anything else but this. He claims he will change and get better non-stop and never seem to get better. He says he is making progress. Dude he was the most drunk trashy looking person at that festival. nobody looked nearly as drunk. I think he is lying to himself and he believes all his own lies. My friends keep telling me he is too trashy for me. I do think that he does not look next to a serious engineer & manager woman like me. I need someone like me tbh. I don't think he is dependable after the abuse that happened to me either because if I got raped and killed he would not be able to do anything. I cannot trust going places with him anymore. To be honest he would probably get raped first lmfao. I developed acne that I did not have since high school probably. I am 27. My heart my brain my feelings tell me it is time to go. I am so exhausted from fighting to help him. This guy basically has a mental disorder and not getting better any time soon. I am looking for ways to run away. Thankfully we have two bedrooms so I can take the other bedroom for now and stay away from him. I am only focused on running away. My weekends are hell. He does not let me rest on the weekends or have fun for that matter so I start my work weeks really exhausted. His drinking is the only bad thing about this relationship but I am so done :(
Ask any alcoholic when they are drinking if they ever hear what you are saying and the answer will be is all they hear is noise not words so save your breath they aren't listening. Fighting over alcohol or any other addiction is stupid and goes nowhere. The smart thing is leave and don't look back. Don't waste your one precious life and save your children. So glad my mother walked away, he had 4 wives after her and died of alcoholism thank God she didn't let him drag us down with him. He felt sorry for himself because he was adopted. Into a wealthy family that gave him everything, but he didn't focus on how fortunate he was at all. They all take a seat at the pity party.
@@charmee4045 my ex was rich too! I thought of my future kids and how much I don’t want them to live with an alcoholic. I moved out 6 months ago. It was the best decision of my life. Let me tell you- you literally get addicted to the person who is not drunk because you don’t see him often. Your mom made a HUGE sacrifice and abandoned her addiction basically for her kids. I am doing something similar now. It hurts so bad I still have nightmares about getting back with him or having to dealing with his drinking. But I also just stopped talking to him for good. We had been talking and having sex sometimes but now I am completely on the other side of the bridge and he’s blocked everywhere! thank you so much for answering like this. This helped me a lot. I actually just woke up from a nightmare. 😞💕
Great video. Your channel has been a great resource for me as I live in Colombia and there are no NA groups or English speaking drug councilors near me
Mrs.Amber you are absolutely awesome. I love your videos and you. I appreciate you for everything you do. You helped me out so much and still is continuing to help everyday. I have all your videos on the bell notification reminder. Oh yea, by the way your voice is so soothing and also you are absolutely beautiful Mrs.Amber. Once again, THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING! 🧡
Denial should be changed with honesty..We seek wisdom in life and in recovery, And like DALAI LHAMA SAID.. THE FIRST CHAPTER OF WISDOM IS HONESTY. And it is..
What about “I take prescriptions because I can’t function with extreme back pain without them”. The thing is that my daughter didn’t have the back pain when she started them, yet she justifies taking them because she feels the pain when she runs out. She started with OxyCodone and 6; years later added Valium for anxiety, Wellbutrin for depression, Topirimate for migranes, marijuana and Methadone to top the oxy. I wish she would watch this video.
Tell em like it is Amber! I think feeling sorry for yourself, and not taking responsibility for your actions, has now really become a UK Societal problem in many ways. Never mind addiction. Lots of left wing and liberal political manipulation behind this for many years, to win votes Seeing everyday examples of this poor behaviour re drugs and alcohol which go largely unchecked and accepted, doesn't help the Addict either. I don't know what the answer is Amber, but l take a lot of good, positive things from your advice in your videos in supporting a loved one. Thank You
Hey Amber - I'm a mama that's loving your videos! Wondering what I'm doing wrong -- when I watched this new one today I knew I wanted to recommend it to my adult child... but at the end you say "watch this next", but the next thing that comes up is about parenting adult addicts (the most recent in date order?) Am I missing something??
Hey Kathy, I'm so glad you're liking my videos! 😃😃😃 I'm guess this is the problem you're running into....Near the end of the video (last few seconds), there should be two videos that come up on the screen. They're called "end screen" video recommendations. the two videos I have attached to this particular video are all about relapse prevention. If you don't select one of the 2 end screen videos relatively quickly, TH-cam puts other recommended videos up for you to see. My guess is that it's showing you the video about parenting an adult addicted child because you've watched that sort of thing in the past. TH-cam tracks your watching patterns so that i can recommend content specifically for you (kind of like Netflix) . I'm guessing that if your son where to watch this video, TH-cam would recommend other videos for him. Unfortunately I don't have any control of the recommendations after the end screen videos. Hopefully I didn't just overwhelm you with all that nerdy tech talk! 🤯
The guy I've been dealing with has not so much a victimhood way of thinking anymore and he does recognize that he's to blame for his addiction but he doesn't see it as being a really big problem because (once again) he's been able to not lose his place, got a car again (thru borrowing money from his enabling mom, she thinks he's ok as long as he's working, that he doesn't use.) and really, most of the time, the biggest thing being affected is his relationships with women, including me. Because meth addicts can't love like a normal person this is especially difficult and he refuses to see or care about being in a full and complete relationship...and unfortunately, that's what I want...have for over 6.5yrs (I left many times and over the last 2 yrs) but I just couldn't move on. Even when I'm not talking to him I'm hoping and waiting for him to contact me and tell me he's clean and wanting to try. I have never met anyone else over these years, I've tried but nothing clicks with anyone (plus with covid happening, hasn't helped) and we have this amazing connection excluding these issues, which are the main causes of our problems...I honestly don't know what to do other than learn all I can about addiction, hold my boundaries and continue to just be his friend along with just being patient, I know it's a journey for them and it's a tough one. We both have suffered with depression so I understand a lot of what he goes thru. He may be an addict but he's also very kind, smart, funny and helpful, supports my goals in life and has his own to some degree...it's why it's tough. I feel like I might end up waiting forever unless I meet someone else. Thank you for all your advice!
You're right when you say that a person addicted to meth can't can't love like a normal person. Anyone who is addicted is partially focused on their addiction. They don't have the ability to put a relationship before the addiction. The drug will always be first as long as the addiction continues.
@puttheshoveldown yes, I know.... that's why it's such a difficult situation to be in I really believe with all my heart that if he wasn't dealing with this addiction that he would of totally fallen in love with me... He always lets me back into his life even when I set boundaries and we argue I don't know why else he would keep me in his life unless he actually cared and I do mean something to him more than just anything physical because I haven't done it anything physical with him in a long time, since 2019 and I don't plan on it. I can't even kiss him because it disgusts me to imagine him with other women. Even in 2019 when I dated him continuously for 9 months, not to get too personal but we only had sex twice and I don't plan on ever giving into that again, I thought he was only seeing me even without commitment that's what I thought, like an idiot and found out later that there's this other girl still in the picture that I thought was out and she's in love with him too but she's actually got a lot of issues I'm the girl that's normal and sane... It's so complicated and hard to deal with but love is so powerful I'm hoping it will win in the end but if not I guess this is where I'm stuck for now otherwise I have no one I don't even have any friends anymore because of covid and my stance on it, I lost a lot of friends cuz I didn't believe mainstream television and had absolutely no fear of it... Is the only person I can talk to about it cuz neither did he and a lot of other reasons. What are the groups called for people who are dealing with a person on drugs or alcohol? I want to join one of those groups and go to meetings
Hi Carie, Thanks for your kind feedback! I haven't done any videos on eating disorder, but I definitely agree that eating disorders are just as dangerous.
@@PutTheShovelDown Gou fo such a great job at ..putting it real ! I feel like anything abusive . Once you admit and except you are on the right road but you always need a map :)
Please help me..I keep relapsing with weekend binges on coke and booze..I may quit for 1 or 2 weeks maybe even a month..Then I relapse , I forget how bad the last binge was , I go to the bar on Fri afternoon after work with the guys for a few beers and then 8 times out of ten it turns into a big session that can roll on into 2 days etc..I'm 50 at the end of the month , and yes work isn't going well at the mo, and I have stress with money etc and my relationship but really this is all just an excuse, at the end of the binge I'm literally laying in bed for a day or two beating myself up and watching pork etc , after wasting loads of money..I've been to meetings etc..But never seem to stick to it as my mind keeps forgetting how bad it was...:-/
I agree with all you've been saying, but let's not forget that a lot of the "victim" perspective is, in fact, justified by legitimate victims of crime and abuse. The justifications in your video all fall under a category of "excuses." I do agree, that most people I know who struggle, do justify their abuse through the victimization lens. It's just important to remember that oftentimes it's never as trivial as "oh I just want to be social." Rape, violence, child abuse, partner abuse, these are the things that do make some victim. And it makes people drink. And these are a far cry from "well, I just want to feel social." It's just more complicated than that.
Hi Amber, I 100% agree with the power of eliminating the victim mentality and feelings sorry for yourself. I'll be sober 6 years in December 30th. One obstacle that was mandatory for me to overcome was P. A. W. S. Post acute withdrawal symptoms.. I could not learn to stop relapsing until I learned how P. A. W. S. Worked and caused me to relapse. P. A. W. S. = 'The Fuck-its" that I needed to save myself from. I experienced the "Fuck-its / P. A. W. S. For about 18 months. My plan and strategy what's the call and get together with one of my relapse prevention team members as soon as I got the overwhelming urge/ obsession to use = P. A. W. S. P. A. W. S. For me it's like a sober blackout - You're sober You're about to relapse You know you shouldn't relapse but your addiction is active - your addiction is activated You have the "the fuck it's" and your addiction almost always wins. Essentially what happens P. A. W. S. Is I lose my ability to make the right decision to make the good decision. Thank you for addressing this topic stopping the victim mentality and feeling sorry for ourselves because this is a crucial part of our recovery. I used to possess and hold on to the victim and utility and feeling sorry for myself but no more.
Great info about PAWS Byron. That's a topic I haven't covered on this channel yet, but I definitely need to. It's so important for people to be prepared for what o expect in early recovery. Thanks for sharing your story with us!
You're welcome and thank you. Pls note: I found that there are conflicting opinions between individuals when it comes to the nuances and facts what PAWS actually is. I've read and watched some people's explanation of p a w s and it actually had nothing to do with a attic or alcoholic feeling like they're in full withdrawals - when I'm in the state of PAWS I'm in full what's wrong mode - I've got to get loaded - I've got to use. I would best describe The physical feeling I have when I'm in the state of PAWS as; I feel like my addiction is fully activated. One second in sobriety, one second later in full-on jonesing got to use got to get loaded = full-blown sober blackout. I appreciate your channel very much You do some great work.
The cycle of alcoholism for instance works a little differently, what about urges and cravings? binge drinking to celebrate is different than self loathing. What about addicts that use because they like the intensity? They love that crazy party lifestyle- I've yet to hear this type rationalize with "I've been so poor my entire life," because that goes against being tough and invulnerable. DBT teaches clear mind, addicted mind and clean mind.
@@PutTheShovelDown He's doing an amazing job. You're doing an amazing job as well. Your videos are very engaging. I just subscribed to your channel. My only suggestion is to speak about porn addiction. It's the new pandemic that destroys lives from the age of 7 to 77. I think it's doing more harm than all other addictions/drugs combined.
I feel a bit conflicted about this video, because while I do agree with the overall conclusion, it does also feel a bit invalidating. Like I 100% agree that past victimization shouldn't be used as an excuse to justify continued bad decisions/behaviour. I get that this is a single youtube video meant to be broadcast to a wide audience and most likely not how you address your individual clients, but at the same time, the way this specific video comes across to me at least, leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Like I don't think looking at someone who turned to substance use to cope with emotions after being victimized in their past and replying with "you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself" is the best way to go from there. This is probably just a side effect of the nature of providing general advice, because the situation in question actually matters. I overall agree with the advice to "be honest with yourself about the situation" because there are always more sides to a story, but at the same time it kind of feels like it's minimizing the harm that actually came from being victimized in the first place.
What about i have absolutely no family or friends, i am completely alone and have been for years +social anxiety disorder.please don't ask me to join aa i went for 8 years and I hate it
How can one overcome guilt and ask for forgiveness when the person or people who are needed are dead? Such as parents who have died before recovery attempts.
What if your trying and doing with out but your sanifacant other dont care about you trying and getting help if you cant change in ome day then she dont want me no more
Hey Amber, when our loved one is saying all these things to justify their use, should we just listen and be empathetic, or is there a response that you could suggest to help them see what they are doing?
It rarely works to directly confront these justifications. Often times, reflective listening will help them come around to identifying the reasons why the behavior isn't working for them.
Hey I’m trying to kick suboxone.can’t seem to get away from it the aches and pains are redicolus.I went from 24 mg to 2mg a day but can’t kick the he 2 mg:(
One thing I didn’t hear her mention. What if your whole family is addicts n you don’t have any support from anyone for motivation or a safe n clean place to be when trying to continue recovery. I’m asking bc I’m an addict I’ve been clean for 2 years now but have a friend who is an addict also and has no one. I feel it is unhealthy for me to be around her but I would love to see her get well. N I don’t know how to help her.
The best thing you can do is to make it known to every one that you know, that you're in recovery and don't do that kind of thing anymore. Consider changing your phone number as well. This should hopefully prevent this from happening. However even if you do that, you might still find yourself in that situation. If it does happen, you'll need to give a very assertive answer. (meaning, don't just say no for now... Say no, I don't do that stuff. You don't have to be rude or mean, but you do want to make sure they understand not to ask you again).
Holy cow this is pathetic. I wonder how many people won't get the help they need, or will be stuck for years because they think that feeling sorry for themselves is the root cause of their addiction? If I had heard this advice when I got sober in 2004, I'd still be drinking today.
Thanks!
Wow! Thank you so much, Stepping Stones! 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Literally on my way to treatment rn. Your correct, I felt because of my trauma etc, I should expect sympathy and excuse my behavior. No, it’s my fault, I’m an adult, bottom line, nobody did this but me to me. My family had given me a million passes, they are done and rightfully so. I’m tired of this game, can’t even call this a life. That’s what I had, I did a great job messing it up, let’s see if I can own my crap and put it back together. It’s the least my family deserves and your correct, I’m not adding anything to my family or society rn and for the last few years. I’m just existing and consuming. I’m really hoping I’m deeply tired of this and done. Because, this stopped being fun about a year in. Here goes.
wow, Heather. I'm really impressed with your determination and humility. Those are the exact right ingrediencies for a really positive outcome! good for you
You can do this Heather! I'll be praying for you 💖
Hi Heather, how are you doing? Are you still in treatment?
I'm reading this july 2022..I rely pray you are beating the downside.. that you ve found something that works for you🙏💜💫🕊💜💫🙏
I know this was 3 years ago, but I'm struggling w someone who's battling addiction, and your comment brought tears and hope to my eyes ❤
I pray all is well w you Friend, and you closed that door for good.
And, if you fell of the wagon, reading your comment, I can see you're someone who takes responsibility, and can do anything you set your mind to ❤❤
I've been struggling for many years with an Adderall addiction. This particular video rings true for me. I put some sticky notes up around my apartment that say STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF. Thank you for sharing something so insightful that I never before considered.
Hi Billy, I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I love that you took action
Amber has been a Godsend in helping me understand why the cycle continues and what I could do about it. This video seems to boil it down to an essential truth.
Hats off to you, Amber. You are a light in the storm.
Awwwww Thanks Tom! 😄😄😄 I'm going to feel awesome all day after reading that!
Omg my family has addicts and you are 100% right….they do “feel sorry for themselves”
I LOVE this one; so true. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. That works for both sides of the coin, too. Co-dependents or enablers are sad sacks, too. We can all take the cure here.
Bingo, Rita! You hit the nail on the head.
Codependents feel sorry for their loved ones using, but I don’t see how they feel sorry for themselves in order to justify their behavior. Can you give an example?
@@brendareed5050 it’s why we enable. If we didn’t feel sorry for ourselves we wouldn’t put up with the bad behavior.
Sending this to my 25 year old daughter who has been addicted to Meth and Heroin for 6 years. I hope she will watch but I am also paying very close attention so that I can explain this to her when I have the opportunity. It's been a terrifying journey of homelessness, overdoses, prison, psychosis, treatment and relapse after relapse. I am positive that this is at the root of her addiction. Thank you SO much!! I am finding your channel to be a very helpful resource 💕
Hi Darcy, I'm glad to hear it's been helpful!
Hey Darcy Gresty, did your daughter watch the TH-cam?
How is your daughter doing now?
Thank you for your reply 🙏. My daughter is in treatment again. Hoping and praying for the best. My hope is guarded however considering the history she's had. I really appreciate your concern and I'm keeping you and your family in my prayers. God bless 🙏.
Going on 2 yrs here from treatment and I still fight it. The anger that I'm this way, that I can't EVER join in again. Comes and goes but yes, overall pitying myself that I can't do what I want to. I think it's ok though every now and then to be angry about being alcoholic. No one said you have to like it......just have to be honest with yourself about it. By the way, I got the answer to the question I had by reading your bio/history. Most of the counselors and doc's I had dealt with were recovering alcoholics as well. For me, as you say, the danger is the pity party that "entitles" me to put me first........not my loved ones or not the me that I like that I've become. good video...........told ya it would be
I kinda figured you were wondering if I was in recovery. I get that question all the time. I used to worry about that question some, but not anymore. It hasn't been an issue with the clients I see in such a long time. When I get that question, I know that what someone is really asking me is..."Can you understand me?". Thank you so much for watching my video and especially for sharing some about your story!
@@PutTheShovelDown yep, that was it. I think you have a unique perspective with your family history to identify with the families of those with addicted loved ones too. From listening to several of your videos I think you get what makes folks tick as alcoholics too. We all have different bottom's and light-bulb moments but there is a lot of the same too. Thanks for the reply.
@@PutTheShovelDown WoW! So glad I recently discovered you on TH-cam..Btw👆🤔..no doubt it's TRUE (in many situations in life) Perhaps it ReallY DOES take one to know one🤔 BraVo to you👆👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
Hi Amber, thank you for the video. I think that is a good reason to look out for a counselor who is familiar with the Psychology of addiction . My spouse went to a "normal" counselor and she totally supported his victim thinking and feeling sorry for him when in reality he had great, supportive parents and a spouse deeply loving and caring for him. Its so important to go to an addiction counselor!!
You're so right Millstreet. It's really hard to know the truth (even for addiction counseling). The person is very convincing (mostly because they believe these things themselves). It's so important for family to be involved. If families we'rent involved in our process, I don't think I'd ever get the full picture!
I've seen what you're talking about.
Put the shuffel down , it took me almost a year and a half to recognise this "victim" pattern. I was falling for it as well because no one is perfect but it was so repetitive and expanded towards his apartment that was so bad, bis car that was not good enough , his terrible friends until i thought that raising problems and highlighting issues was some kind of mental problem until i found you Amber and it all klicked together. I dont even think that he was aware of it to be honest. If there wasnt a problem he would find it. That was going on almost 24/7 and i was busy fixing " problems" doubting myself and stuck in the enabling cycle cause i didnt know the amount he was using myself. Its very sad in the end for everybody incl the addict
@@millstreetteut7835 see in this I'm the one on something but my wife is the one doing everything to not support me for instance nothing has changed since ive started changimg she has to argue everyday about literally nothing
Wow, this may be the biggest missing piece in my recovery over the last several years. Thank you!
I hope this goes viral! Your online program for families is amazing and has helped me a lot already. Thanks for basing it on the CRAFT model. Keep up the good work
Me too!!! I'm so glad you're liking the Family Recovery Program. I can't wait to hear about your progress. I hope you keep us up to date!
Amber is a god send. So much knowledge and to know we are not alone and there should be no shame
Thank you for this channel. It is helping me deal with a loved one who is addicted to Meth
Thanks for your positive feedback Deane B. Knowing my videos are helping others is exactly what keeps me motivated to make them!
Same here, Deane...same here 💔
His son died. I have NEVER seen someone who has found the actual right to wreck lives, destroy futures and give ‘em the middle finger. He said nobody understands or cares. I said you’re right. Nobody gives a shit. Meanwhile he’s polluting our lives with pity. I don’t pity him so you can only imagine the hell I’ve been through. Looking for a new home. Say a prayer for me. I’ve had enough
You just dropped truth BOMBS!
💣💣💣 Mega truth bombs!
Going with makjng a story of empowerment instead of being addicted to the victim mode story. It’s hard to train your Brain to change but it starts with gratitude
Love it! 💯💯💯💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻
The moral of the story is that wallowing in self--pity is bad for your mental and physical health
BINGO!
Man I needed to hear this. (Not a substance addict, but food for feelings😭). Thank you!
Any time!
Bingo!! Thanks Amber!! This hit home...so glad to see that when the person with SUD starts to finally become honest with themselves, they're getting somewhere. It also shows when they grasp the reality and are honest with themselves.
You're so right Kim. Honesty is the key to recovery!
I feel the fundamental thought is this: if others treat me badly, i am entitled to treat them badly as well. So when they feel wronged, they feel they are entitled to hurt them in return. So they misunderstand the basic concept of: how you behave and treat others, despite how they treat you, is responsible of where your life is heading.
Very wise words!
completely agree.
Hurting people hurt others, especially the ones in their family who they know are most affected by their use.
Thank you for your channel. I am understanding my father, and any other alcoholic I have ever encountered. You explain it better than anyone else.
You are so welcome. Thank you for your kind feedback!
Mrs. Amber 😮 you nailed it. I even went and got a mirror and said it to myself “STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF! 😮
I have 72 days sober 🎊
I FEEL PROUD OF MY SELF 👏🏼. Sending love 💕
I feel so proud of you too, Gracie! This comment made me smile big 😁😄😄😄😄
@@PutTheShovelDown 🥰
Excellent insight and advice! You manage to drill down to the reality of the situation. Thank you!
Glad you enjoyed it!
That was true for me when i stopped feeling sorry for myself i gave up alcohol
💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻
Feeling sorry for themselves stops them getting clean.
😭"it's not a right to get high and cause destruction and pain" ❤️❤️‼️ I love that. Today we believe we are entitled to and have rights to this and that. Indigenous beliefs teach we have responsibilities. To the world. I can't express how much I identify with this. I love the saying at some point you stop being a victim and become a volunteer. Yes we have been wronged in life or harmed but anything you allow will continue 🙌🥴 I'm currently 2months clean and I'm struggling with nightmares flashbacks and drug dreams. I stumbled onto this channel and I'm so grateful. This type of emotional awareness behind behaviors and honest truths are very helpful. Especially that I'm able to listen to it privately. I plan to discuss these things with my casac. 🙏😘
I love your attitude and insight, Ryann!
Thank you for this its about time someone shed some light on this subject.
Thanks Charmee! I'm glad this was helpful.
By far one of the best videos I’ve watched.
Thanks Ayesha, I'm so glad you liked it!
Oh my goodness- I’ve never heard this before! Each time I want to use, I’m thinking, whatever has happened to bother me & “I deserve this”. Thank you 💜
Really appreciate the content, this is painfully accurate. My primary excuse is covering up rlly bad mental struggles, only to avoid the fact it's a temporary solution while getting worse over time
I'm so glad this is helpful, Kayla!
I was thinking that drug and alcohol addiction was a disease.I wish it was that easy for a lot of us :(
Amber is right. Stop playing the victim and you will be free from addiction. Addiction is not now nor has it ever been a disease. Medical professionals call it a disease so that they can get paid by insurance companies for their treatment programs. Heart trouble, cancer, hyperthyroidism, diabetes are examples of diseases. Addictions stem from wanting to hide from one's issues and not address them head on. Substance abuse (in whatever form) seems cool for awhile until it isnt. Then the addict is trapped in a cycle of having to keep abusing in order to feel good. Again, victim mentality.
Excellent advice. I have 2 adult addicted sons, 49 y/o ( Benzodiazepines), 42 y/o Marijuana/Alcohol. Been through years of therapy. I’ve heard this all.
Charmaine W sometimes it almost seems like they’re reading from a script!
Put The Shovel Down it sure does! It gets frustrating, but I now ignore it and have to take care of myself
Great, great and truthful video! A strong dose of reality is good from time to time.
Thanks Angela!
My adult addict son is forever feeling sorry for himself. Everyone and everything is to blame for his predicament. Society, capitalism, weird conspiracy theories, his parents, whatever is handy. He came home a couple of weeks ago, pleading, contrite, saying he was ready for rehab. He gave us the keys to his car, his phone, we are tapering him down from kratom, and it's been sheer hell. We now want him to go to a rehab facility that can deal with him, but he is fighting us tooth and nail. We don't know what to do. I can't believe we fell for it again. Most of all, I can't imagine he'll ever get better if he doesn't take any responsibility.
OMG I heard all of those things every time!!! Amazing video and very informative as always xx
Glad you liked it!!
one last comment, from what I see in my lineage, the addicted person is usually reflecting a pattern in the family only they're taking it to an extreme disease level. and they may not be the only one in the line to have done that. so we all need to see where the self-pity starts and stop the buck with us. when we change, they have the opportunity to change as well.
You're right on target Rita. We all do this to some degree. People in active addictions tend to get into the extreme with this kind of thinking.
@@PutTheShovelDown Yep, very extreme, like full-on blindness to any other way of thinking.
🙋To learn more about the relapse cycle, watch this next: 👉th-cam.com/users/playlist?list...
I have said this in Alanon and really connected with a few people but really pissed off others, especially the double-dippers (AA & Alanon participants). Addiction is a disease, the addict is not a victim of Addiction, they are a casualty of Addiction. Their friends, family and coworkers are the victims.
MORE AMBER GOLD! The BEST video on this channel to START your journey to BEING HAPPY!!
Wow, thank you!
Do have any suggestions fir dealing with an addict who is also on the Autism Spectrum or ADHD? I feel like this advice of working on changing negative self talk, and being the victim works for a lot of people. But would having a condition where executive function is already altered naturally change the approach?
Excellent video Amber...I so agree...the dry alcoholic no self help..the Woe is Me Syndrome..PAWS so true..Pity Party that Never Ends! Truth!
"Honesty" of self past present and plan for the future with a constant Honest follow through!
Thanks for the confirm..you are Awesome!👍👍💖
Yes! Thank you!
this is gold !!!!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Awwww, thanks LJM!
I feel bad for not seeing my sister in hospital detoxing she said our mum did not care about her I told her we all would be their when she came round we always were I told her it was hard for our mum seeing her do that to herself I feel bad for seeing that as she passed away five weeks later she said my mum was all our brother and getting on at her all the time I feel so bad we couldn’t save her.
Brilliant - wish I could get my husband to listen to this. Thank you ❤️
Thanks Heather! If you are going to try and get your husband to listen to a video, pick one that you think he'll relate to most. This one might be too confrontational to start with!
Marvellous! Your videos are so helpful Amber. My wife has been addicted since she was five 😥
Thank you Alexandra! I'm so happy to hear that these videos are helping!
I lost hope at this point :( I no longer want to be with this guy. He consumed all my energy. My life has become all about his excessive drinking. He took a really long break and started drinking again. I am tired of going thru these cycles. Worst part is he gets drunk at festivals. He tells me he won't and he does it again. When I ask him "Did this occur to you that we got in many fights before and I broke up with you before because you drink in festivals where I cannot watch the show because I am too busy babysitting you?" He said he did not even think about me for a split second while starting to drink. I just cannot believe it. He claims he is getting better but still drinks really excessively. Worst part is he left me at the festival to get a beer and I got physically abused by a guy & got touched. This guy "my bf" is only dragging me down. I am a full time engineer with a high paying job. I am beautiful. I am smart. I am a comedian I do comedy. This is just so weird that I believed his lies and moved in with him. My work is going to shit because of him. He gets fucked up and does not let me sleep at night because he sleeps so weird when drunk and I wake up and it causes me to not be able to function at work. I am staying at an airbnb right now just to be able to function at work sleep well & not be angry and stressed about his drinking. I am so beyond frustrated. He blames me ! Can you believe this? He blames me that I stay at an airbnb to get some space &sleep. He thought I was cheating &wanting to punish him. This guy has a clear problem and it is beyond me at this point. Even the love she shows me it feels like I am weed or alcohol and not a person. He is addicted to me because I am funny & sexy a good distraction from the world. He says he won't drink again but it is all a lie I don't believe anything he says anymore. I am just sad that I built this life my engineering career, my home, my cat and it is all going down because of him. I don't know how this guy functions at all at work (which is part time job).. On top of everything he smokes weed everyday. This guy is high every work week (replaced alcohol with weed) and drunk on the weekends since the beginning of May 2022 (when he started drinking again) His drinking is destroying my life. I am so stressed out all the time. I cannot think about anything else but this. He claims he will change and get better non-stop and never seem to get better. He says he is making progress. Dude he was the most drunk trashy looking person at that festival. nobody looked nearly as drunk. I think he is lying to himself and he believes all his own lies. My friends keep telling me he is too trashy for me. I do think that he does not look next to a serious engineer & manager woman like me. I need someone like me tbh. I don't think he is dependable after the abuse that happened to me either because if I got raped and killed he would not be able to do anything. I cannot trust going places with him anymore. To be honest he would probably get raped first lmfao. I developed acne that I did not have since high school probably. I am 27. My heart my brain my feelings tell me it is time to go. I am so exhausted from fighting to help him. This guy basically has a mental disorder and not getting better any time soon. I am looking for ways to run away. Thankfully we have two bedrooms so I can take the other bedroom for now and stay away from him. I am only focused on running away. My weekends are hell. He does not let me rest on the weekends or have fun for that matter so I start my work weeks really exhausted. His drinking is the only bad thing about this relationship but I am so done :(
Hope you're ok 🥰
Ask any alcoholic when they are drinking if they ever hear what you are saying and the answer will be is all they hear is noise not words so save your breath they aren't listening. Fighting over alcohol or any other addiction is stupid and goes nowhere. The smart thing is leave and don't look back. Don't waste your one precious life and save your children. So glad my mother walked away, he had 4 wives after her and died of alcoholism thank God she didn't let him drag us down with him. He felt sorry for himself because he was adopted. Into a wealthy family that gave him everything, but he didn't focus on how fortunate he was at all. They all take a seat at the pity party.
@@charmee4045 my ex was rich too! I thought of my future kids and how much I don’t want them to live with an alcoholic. I moved out 6 months ago. It was the best decision of my life. Let me tell you- you literally get addicted to the person who is not drunk because you don’t see him often. Your mom made a HUGE sacrifice and abandoned her addiction basically for her kids. I am doing something similar now. It hurts so bad I still have nightmares about getting back with him or having to dealing with his drinking. But I also just stopped talking to him for good. We had been talking and having sex sometimes but now I am completely on the other side of the bridge and he’s blocked everywhere! thank you so much for answering like this. This helped me a lot. I actually just woke up from a nightmare. 😞💕
Pick up as much responsibility as you can bear and carry it forward and always always be honest.
spot on!
Wow, getting wasted, making bad decisions and hurting everyone around you is not a right. Say that, Amber.
100%
Great video. Your channel has been a great resource for me as I live in Colombia and there are no NA groups or English speaking drug councilors near me
Thanks Max! So glad you're here😊
See the song "Poor Twisted Me" (Metallica)
Will do. Thx for the suggestion
💯 Truth...Spot On Amber!
Mrs.Amber you are absolutely awesome. I love your videos and you. I appreciate you for everything you do. You helped me out so much and still is continuing to help everyday. I have all your videos on the bell notification reminder. Oh yea, by the way your voice is so soothing and also you are absolutely beautiful Mrs.Amber. Once again, THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING! 🧡
My goodness, I think my head is growing bigger from all those nice compliments! 😁😁😁 Thank you for your kind words, C Breezy!
Denial should be changed with honesty..We seek wisdom in life and in recovery, And like DALAI LHAMA SAID.. THE FIRST CHAPTER OF WISDOM IS HONESTY. And it is..
What about “I take prescriptions because I can’t function with extreme back pain without them”. The thing is that my daughter didn’t have the back pain when she started them, yet she justifies taking them because she feels the pain when she runs out. She started with OxyCodone and 6; years later added Valium for anxiety, Wellbutrin for depression, Topirimate for migranes, marijuana and Methadone to top the oxy. I wish she would watch this video.
Back pain is a withdrawal symptom of opiate addiction.
You are amazing. Thank you so much! ❤️
Wow! Thank you AJ! 😁😁😁😁💖💖💖🙌🏻
Beautiful. Thank you.
Thanks for listening, Emma!
I wanna beat this addiction for my son.. He needs his fathe.
That's a wonderful motivator! 💯💯💯
Wow, heard amazing things today, awesome. loved the video
Yay! Thank you!
Tell em like it is Amber!
I think feeling sorry for yourself, and not taking responsibility for your actions, has now really become a UK Societal problem in many ways.
Never mind addiction.
Lots of left wing and liberal political manipulation behind this for many years, to win votes
Seeing everyday examples of this poor behaviour re drugs and alcohol which go largely unchecked and accepted, doesn't help the Addict either.
I don't know what the answer is Amber, but l take a lot of good, positive things from your advice in your videos in supporting a loved one.
Thank You
Thanks Mary! I agree with you about. There being a later societal problem of not taking responsibility, it’s the same here!
Hey Amber - I'm a mama that's loving your videos! Wondering what I'm doing wrong -- when I watched this new one today I knew I wanted to recommend it to my adult child... but at the end you say "watch this next", but the next thing that comes up is about parenting adult addicts (the most recent in date order?) Am I missing something??
Hey Kathy, I'm so glad you're liking my videos! 😃😃😃 I'm guess this is the problem you're running into....Near the end of the video (last few seconds), there should be two videos that come up on the screen. They're called "end screen" video recommendations. the two videos I have attached to this particular video are all about relapse prevention. If you don't select one of the 2 end screen videos relatively quickly, TH-cam puts other recommended videos up for you to see. My guess is that it's showing you the video about parenting an adult addicted child because you've watched that sort of thing in the past. TH-cam tracks your watching patterns so that i can recommend content specifically for you (kind of like Netflix) . I'm guessing that if your son where to watch this video, TH-cam would recommend other videos for him. Unfortunately I don't have any control of the recommendations after the end screen videos. Hopefully I didn't just overwhelm you with all that nerdy tech talk! 🤯
The guy I've been dealing with has not so much a victimhood way of thinking anymore and he does recognize that he's to blame for his addiction but he doesn't see it as being a really big problem because (once again) he's been able to not lose his place, got a car again (thru borrowing money from his enabling mom, she thinks he's ok as long as he's working, that he doesn't use.) and really, most of the time, the biggest thing being affected is his relationships with women, including me. Because meth addicts can't love like a normal person this is especially difficult and he refuses to see or care about being in a full and complete relationship...and unfortunately, that's what I want...have for over 6.5yrs (I left many times and over the last 2 yrs) but I just couldn't move on. Even when I'm not talking to him I'm hoping and waiting for him to contact me and tell me he's clean and wanting to try. I have never met anyone else over these years, I've tried but nothing clicks with anyone (plus with covid happening, hasn't helped) and we have this amazing connection excluding these issues, which are the main causes of our problems...I honestly don't know what to do other than learn all I can about addiction, hold my boundaries and continue to just be his friend along with just being patient, I know it's a journey for them and it's a tough one. We both have suffered with depression so I understand a lot of what he goes thru. He may be an addict but he's also very kind, smart, funny and helpful, supports my goals in life and has his own to some degree...it's why it's tough. I feel like I might end up waiting forever unless I meet someone else. Thank you for all your advice!
You're right when you say that a person addicted to meth can't can't love like a normal person. Anyone who is addicted is partially focused on their addiction. They don't have the ability to put a relationship before the addiction. The drug will always be first as long as the addiction continues.
@puttheshoveldown yes, I know.... that's why it's such a difficult situation to be in I really believe with all my heart that if he wasn't dealing with this addiction that he would of totally fallen in love with me... He always lets me back into his life even when I set boundaries and we argue I don't know why else he would keep me in his life unless he actually cared and I do mean something to him more than just anything physical because I haven't done it anything physical with him in a long time, since 2019 and I don't plan on it. I can't even kiss him because it disgusts me to imagine him with other women. Even in 2019 when I dated him continuously for 9 months, not to get too personal but we only had sex twice and I don't plan on ever giving into that again, I thought he was only seeing me even without commitment that's what I thought, like an idiot and found out later that there's this other girl still in the picture that I thought was out and she's in love with him too but she's actually got a lot of issues I'm the girl that's normal and sane... It's so complicated and hard to deal with but love is so powerful I'm hoping it will win in the end but if not I guess this is where I'm stuck for now otherwise I have no one I don't even have any friends anymore because of covid and my stance on it, I lost a lot of friends cuz I didn't believe mainstream television and had absolutely no fear of it... Is the only person I can talk to about it cuz neither did he and a lot of other reasons. What are the groups called for people who are dealing with a person on drugs or alcohol? I want to join one of those groups and go to meetings
You re great !!!! Have you done any videos on eating disorders ? Something very dear to my heart and just as dangerous
Hi Carie, Thanks for your kind feedback! I haven't done any videos on eating disorder, but I definitely agree that eating disorders are just as dangerous.
@@PutTheShovelDown Gou fo such a great job at ..putting it real ! I feel like anything abusive . Once you admit and except you are on the right road but you always need a map :)
Your channel is great, subbed
Awesome, thanks Dan!
nothing beats addiction until you have realized everything is given up, i feel
Love this! Thank you!
So glad!
Please help me..I keep relapsing with weekend binges on coke and booze..I may quit for 1 or 2 weeks maybe even a month..Then I relapse , I forget how bad the last binge was , I go to the bar on Fri afternoon after work with the guys for a few beers and then 8 times out of ten it turns into a big session that can roll on into 2 days etc..I'm 50 at the end of the month , and yes work isn't going well at the mo, and I have stress with money etc and my relationship but really this is all just an excuse, at the end of the binge I'm literally laying in bed for a day or two beating myself up and watching pork etc , after wasting loads of money..I've been to meetings etc..But never seem to stick to it as my mind keeps forgetting how bad it was...:-/
Hope you've sorted yourself out 🙏
I agree with all you've been saying, but let's not forget that a lot of the "victim" perspective is, in fact, justified by legitimate victims of crime and abuse. The justifications in your video all fall under a category of "excuses." I do agree, that most people I know who struggle, do justify their abuse through the victimization lens. It's just important to remember that oftentimes it's never as trivial as "oh I just want to be social." Rape, violence, child abuse, partner abuse, these are the things that do make some victim. And it makes people drink. And these are a far cry from "well, I just want to feel social." It's just more complicated than that.
Hi Amber, I 100% agree with the power of eliminating the victim mentality and feelings sorry for yourself.
I'll be sober 6 years in December 30th. One obstacle that was mandatory for me to overcome was P. A. W. S.
Post acute withdrawal symptoms..
I could not learn to stop relapsing until I learned how P. A. W. S. Worked and caused me to relapse. P. A. W. S. = 'The Fuck-its" that I needed to save myself from.
I experienced the "Fuck-its / P. A. W. S. For about 18 months.
My plan and strategy what's the call and get together with one of my relapse prevention team members as soon as I got the overwhelming urge/ obsession to use =
P. A. W. S.
P. A. W. S. For me it's like a sober blackout - You're sober You're about to relapse You know you shouldn't relapse but your addiction is active - your addiction is activated You have the "the fuck it's" and your addiction almost always wins.
Essentially what happens P. A. W. S. Is I lose my ability to make the right decision to make the good decision.
Thank you for addressing this topic stopping the victim mentality and feeling sorry for ourselves because this is a crucial part of our recovery. I used to possess and hold on to the victim and utility and feeling sorry for myself but no more.
Great info about PAWS Byron. That's a topic I haven't covered on this channel yet, but I definitely need to. It's so important for people to be prepared for what o expect in early recovery. Thanks for sharing your story with us!
You're welcome and thank you.
Pls note: I found that there are conflicting opinions between individuals when it comes to the nuances and facts what PAWS actually is.
I've read and watched some people's explanation of p a w s and it actually had nothing to do with a attic or alcoholic feeling like they're in full withdrawals - when I'm in the state of PAWS I'm in full what's wrong mode - I've got to get loaded - I've got to use.
I would best describe The physical feeling I have when I'm in the state of PAWS as; I feel like my addiction is fully activated. One second in sobriety, one second later in full-on jonesing got to use got to get loaded = full-blown sober blackout.
I appreciate your channel very much You do some great work.
Byron TGI Friday you seem pretty passionate about this topic. Would you like to be interviewed on a LIVE video about this issue?
Hey yeah 🙋♂️ - I will check your website an email you're from there. Not sure if you have an Instagram account, You probably do I'll check
I can send you a DM/direct message on Instagram.
We can set up a date and time.
Amen sister!
hahaha. Thanks Greta!
I love this !!! Truth !!!
Thanks Jackie! 😁
The cycle of alcoholism for instance works a little differently, what about urges and cravings? binge drinking to celebrate is different than self loathing. What about addicts that use because they like the intensity? They love that crazy party lifestyle- I've yet to hear this type rationalize with "I've been so poor my entire life," because that goes against being tough and invulnerable. DBT teaches clear mind, addicted mind and clean mind.
What tools are you using to edit your videos? They look amazing.
Wow, thanks! Actually I have a person that helps me with my video editing and making my thumbnails.
@@PutTheShovelDown He's doing an amazing job. You're doing an amazing job as well. Your videos are very engaging. I just subscribed to your channel. My only suggestion is to speak about porn addiction. It's the new pandemic that destroys lives from the age of 7 to 77. I think it's doing more harm than all other addictions/drugs combined.
Can someone help me why is it important to maintain your abstinence
I feel a bit conflicted about this video, because while I do agree with the overall conclusion, it does also feel a bit invalidating. Like I 100% agree that past victimization shouldn't be used as an excuse to justify continued bad decisions/behaviour. I get that this is a single youtube video meant to be broadcast to a wide audience and most likely not how you address your individual clients, but at the same time, the way this specific video comes across to me at least, leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Like I don't think looking at someone who turned to substance use to cope with emotions after being victimized in their past and replying with "you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself" is the best way to go from there. This is probably just a side effect of the nature of providing general advice, because the situation in question actually matters. I overall agree with the advice to "be honest with yourself about the situation" because there are always more sides to a story, but at the same time it kind of feels like it's minimizing the harm that actually came from being victimized in the first place.
I can understand what you're saying here. I do have many other videos that go deeper into the issue of relapse (looking at it from multiple angles).
Do you have any videos about higher power?
This video touches on that subject: th-cam.com/video/pKKleLtwciM/w-d-xo.html
What about i have absolutely no family or friends, i am completely alone and have been for years +social anxiety disorder.please don't ask me to join aa i went for 8 years and I hate it
Love her channel!
Awwww, thanks John!
How can one overcome guilt and ask for forgiveness when the person or people who are needed are dead? Such as parents who have died before recovery attempts.
3 weeks , I really wanna do it but ......😃
Him: “I’ve been drinking since you met me why you mad now?”
What if your trying and doing with out but your sanifacant other dont care about you trying and getting help if you cant change in ome day then she dont want me no more
Bj Harris hang in there Bj. Put one foot in front of the other and just focus on “the next right decision”.
The root exposed. So true
Thanks HelotesHellRaiser! #truthbombs
Hey Amber, when our loved one is saying all these things to justify their use, should we just listen and be empathetic, or is there a response that you could suggest to help them see what they are doing?
It rarely works to directly confront these justifications. Often times, reflective listening will help them come around to identifying the reasons why the behavior isn't working for them.
Hey I’m trying to kick suboxone.can’t seem to get away from it the aches and pains are redicolus.I went from 24 mg to 2mg a day but can’t kick the he 2 mg:(
Kick the 2mg dose .
One thing I didn’t hear her mention. What if your whole family is addicts n you don’t have any support from anyone for motivation or a safe n clean place to be when trying to continue recovery. I’m asking bc I’m an addict I’ve been clean for 2 years now but have a friend who is an addict also and has no one. I feel it is unhealthy for me to be around her but I would love to see her get well. N I don’t know how to help her.
Can she get in a sober living home? It really depends on what she can afford, but SL homes are affordable.
Loving the Southern accent!
Mental Health..
What you're saying may be true but how would you say it without the addicted person telling you where to go?
I probably wouldn't say this to them
Luv ya accent
😃😃😃
In the end drugs just aren't really worth the high or the misery they always seem to cause.
what about using because someone they love died or because of a neurological dysfunction.
Those things definitely count. It's okay to feel sad or disappointed, it's just not okay to use it as an excuse to make a bad decision.
@@PutTheShovelDown I think the bad decision comes from self-hate (self-pity), i.e., why did they leave me or why do i have this dysfunction?
What do I do if someone tempts or offers me pain pills?
The best thing you can do is to make it known to every one that you know, that you're in recovery and don't do that kind of thing anymore. Consider changing your phone number as well. This should hopefully prevent this from happening. However even if you do that, you might still find yourself in that situation. If it does happen, you'll need to give a very assertive answer. (meaning, don't just say no for now... Say no, I don't do that stuff. You don't have to be rude or mean, but you do want to make sure they understand not to ask you again).
Thank you Amber I will do that 💖😁😇
Isn't that just like the devil!!!!
It sure is!
Stay clean 💖😁💖💗🇺🇸☮️😊🙏⭐🐬
100%
❤❤
Right Back at ya!
It wouldn't matter to you people one bit.
Holy cow this is pathetic. I wonder how many people won't get the help they need, or will be stuck for years because they think that feeling sorry for themselves is the root cause of their addiction? If I had heard this advice when I got sober in 2004, I'd still be drinking today.
Says the food addict.
Thank you for this video! 🙏