The Truth about Daycare, Nannies, and Working Moms | The Lila Rose Podcast E78
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 8 ก.ค. 2024
- How much work is too much work for a mother of young children? Who should be the trusted caregiver for a child whose mother has to work? What should single mothers do? Today I sit down with Erica Komisar, psychoanalyst and parent coach, to discuss the importance of mothers “Being There” for their young children, as her groundbreaking book suggests. We discuss what is the ideal balance between work life and motherhood, especially with children under 4-years-old, when the child is at their most vulnerable and dependent stage of life. We also discuss the research behind outcomes for kids in daycare, aloparenting, practical advice for single moms, what type of schooling is ideal for children, and much more.
Check out Erica's Work: www.ericakomisar.com/
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Timestamps:
00:00 Intro Sequence
00:27 Introduction
02:39 Erica's Background
03:27 Her Motivation For this Research
06:01 Being a Voice for Children
08:22 The Role of Mom Guilt
11:21 The Status Quo of Mothers Working
12:55 Children Are Born Neurologically Vulnerable
16:39 What About Tantrums?
20:55 Nimi Skincare
21:54 What is the Optimal Way to Raise Your Child?
24:15 Ideal Quantity Time?
28:06 Can Mothers Have Breaks?
29:13 Balanced Role of Other Caretakers
31:15 Caring for 0 to 3 Year Olds
34:34 A Reason for Postpartum Depression
35:40 Ideal for 2-3 Year Olds
37:48 Better To Have Baby at Work or a Helper?
39:41 A Formual To Stick To
41:18 How "Child Care" Pre-Schools Changed
42:31 More On The Ideal
44:51 You Are Their Universe
46:43 The Lost Instinct
48:08 Sexual Revolution = War Against Babies
50:12 Maternal Feminism
51:02 Seven Weeks Coffee
51:58 The Ideal When Going Out
54:06 Transition Times
57:03 Fear of Coddling
58:24 When Independant Sleeping is Normal
1:00:15 Men and Women Fill Different Needs
1:01:08 The Best Jobs for Women
1:02:27 Goodbye and Repair
1:06:15 Mothers Should Be Able to Stay Home for First 3 Years
1:07:17 Women with Attachment Disorders
1:12:41 Couples Should Discuss Options Together
1:16:10 EveryLife
1:16:48 Family Court Settlements
1:18:50 Community Life
1:21:10 Women and Entrepreneurship
1:23:30 Men and Women Work and Nurture Differently
1:26:30 Maternal Preoccupation is Normal
1:29:50 Are Mothers and Fathers Interchangeable?
1:33:03 Pragmatic Advice for Parents
1:35:17 The Harm of Daycare
1:38:16 Advice for Single Moms
1:40:02 Babysitters/Nannies
1:41:23 Overcoming Personal Roadblocks
1:45:14 Second Chances?
1:48:11 Maximizing the Bond
1:50:23 Should Kids Be Homeschooled?
1:52:35 Dealing with Those Who Don't Understand
1:55:08 Rediscovering Motherly Instinct
1:59:16 Where to Find Erica's Work
1:59:37 Final Thoughts
2:00:08 Guilt vs Excessive Guilt
2:02:18 Wrap Up
I carried my tiny 6 week old into daycare, dropped him off on day 1 and left. 2 hours later, I quit my job and drove to the daycare. When I opened the door my 6 week old was STILL strapped in his carseat from when I dropped him off 2 hours earlier AND they had a bottle propedup with a blanket trying to feed him and he was drowning. I thank God everyday I left my job and drove right there. He will be 9 in August and I have never regretted staying home.
❤
Way to go mom! So glad you listened to your heart.
Every mother needs to follow her instincts, we have them for a good reason.
The fact that you found your 6 week old like that fills me with rage! How dare they!!
Praise God!
I want to be home with my kids when they're small, so I need a man who can afford that. There are a lot of women who don't want to go back to work after giving birth but their husbands are counting down the days until she can go back and resume earning a paycheck. Not realizing that they'll shell out a fortune in daycare anyway. I know I've run off a few men by informing them of my expectations on this subject but I don't care. The stakes are too high. Better to be patient for a guy that shares the same vision regarding child rearing.
When my friend talked about wanting to go back to work, I, being a little more financially savvy, sat down with her and crunched all the numbers. What she expected to earn working part-time versus the hours in daycare for the kids. We found that the amount of money she would be expected to bring in would just go right out the door again to pay for daycare.
Completely agreed sister
Stick with it
The right guy will no only understand, but be looking for a woman who wants that for their children. You just need to convince him that he wouldn’t have a “ to do list “ that you are constantly adding to, on top of his job. Men need time to play with their children and decompress from work. Any “ to do lists “ should be completed together.
People can live on far less than they think! Many men start earning more after marriage and children, because of the motivation to provide. Seek a man that desires a mom home in those early years. I’ve been home 8 years. Although my husband now makes over 6 figures and we can even afford private schools for our kids we certainly did not start out that way. I’ve always been home and started having kids immediately when my husband was making 50k. We were just fine but obviously had to watch our money more. In our experience God truly provided with every child we had. We’re pregnant with our 5th now in 8 years! I didn’t expect for us to get to this point financially this quick. So my advice seek a man that understands this. Remember that a mother/wife can save a TON of money too! It’s not all about making money. It’s also about how you behave with it❤ best of luck!
I am from an Eastern European country which most people in the US consider backwards. We have 3 year maternity leaves, only organic hot food in schools, a ton of free high-quality services including medical ones for children. It always amazed me how terrible American culture treated children and motherhood. I am disgusted at what they feed the kids in schools. Raising my child here now, I can sadly state that America is backwards and very delayed compared to other places in the world when it comes to motherhood and children well-being
Yes, I can say the same thing. In Hated by everyone in the West Putin's Russia we stay home with our kids for three years, we get paid by the government starting at 6 weeks of pregnancy (!!!!!), all of medical expenses are covered by the government, childcare is available for free for those who choose it... We get mother's capital, which is enough for down payment for a city apartment. What American mother's are experiencing are inhumane.
I agree 100%
I agree! Women in the US are treated horribly when it comes to pregnancy, work and raising small children. They are forced to work up until delivery. Twelve weeks of UNPAID maternity leave is a joke!!! Then they are forced to return to work, pump breast milk and leave their babies with strangers. Unfortunately, there is no outrage about this in our society. From my personal experience I had very bad sciatica around seventh month of pregnancy, could barely walk. My GYN doctor wouldn’t give me any doctor’s notes, so I could stay home. Thanks to my family support, I stopped working, stayed at home with my babies and worked part time. I feel bad for other women who don’t have that support.
So why are you here?
@@erinpruitt201 here where? I live in my homeland of Russia, I left the USA 10 years ago because I was about to start my own family and life in America became impossible with young children for moral and other reasons.
We downsized our life so I could stay home with our three boys and it’s the best thing I have ever done.
Wise decision! You, your husband, and your children benefit greatly from your consistent presence and devoted care of your family and home! Children naturally need and want their mothers--not hired caregivers.
That is so powerful!!
You would never regret this decision ❤
Stay blessed ❤❤
I was thriving at my six-figure career, then I became a mother. That changed everything. I was the bread-winner by far but that didn't matter anymore. I just wanted to stay home with my son. We made financial sacrifices (budgeting, less trips, thrift clothing, a lot more home cooked meals, etc) for me to stay home with my boy. And best decision ever! It's been a little more than 2 yrs and no regrets! We're happier as a family unit too. Surprisingly, our needs have more than been met. My husband stepped up so much too. It can be done. It's all about priorities.
This is encouraging to hear 😌
I was the same! Absolutely love this.. this is what we women are created for.. we aren’t supposed to be CEO boss babes that takes our femininity away and our husbands pride away and their manhood.. I can’t tell you how much happier I am being at home with my almost 3 year old and 5 month old.. is it easy.. heck no but it’s worth every single tear and tantrum. Go mama! I pray that this is always the case for you and you can stay at home with your child. Oh also, Buy Nothing Facebook groups have helped out so much. I have found so many great things for ourselves and the kiddos. I use to cry so much dropping my little one off at daycare she would be screaming and crying too.. I was so emotionally not there at work and hated having to slave away for someone then having to come home trying to to be the best mom and wife..
Hubby called me while I was writing this so sorry if it’s all over 😂
You'll never regret it and I did work fulltime for sometime with my oldest, I don't own any of the stuff I bought then...today. She's 20 now. I missed her first steps, after that day I stayed home with her and the rest of my kids but I don't remember the purse I had what clothes we wore or even what my couch looked like then. I remember I missed her first steps.
Same! And we don’t regret it for a second.💛
I cannot love your comment enough! ❤you go, Mama.
I was a SAHM for 20 years. My kids are all grown and I now have a great career working in Family Medicine. I loved my years at home and don't have a single regret. Mothering my children is the most important thing I will ever do.
Are you a physician? Did you complete residency prior to being a SAHM or did you go back?
Inspiring! This is the path I’m on too! Home now with our kids and career later. It astonishes me why anyone would think the other way around is better. I will encourage the same for my daughter!
Love this. I’ve considered midwifery after my kids are raised.
@joeswife bless you for this， I am an ob-gyn now proudly SAHM and I need your testimony everyday to remind me what is important.
you should do a podcast episode on your story
I wish I had found this 15 years ago. I followed my instinct and stayed home. I took my crying baby back from family. I wore my baby and had them sleep beside me until they expressed interest in their own bed. My family and friends encouraged the opposite. I wish I had this support. Thank you for sharing this information to women.
I feel you. When I had my child I went against the norm at the time. I decided to stay home. To this day I still get criticism for my decision. Sadly it's often other woman who judge. I'm proud of my decision and hearing this podcast felt good.
I’m doing the same thing right now! :)
Same! I went with my instincts. Thankfully, my mom stayed home with me and I had her support on that. Everyone else acted like I was insane!
Can you share how they turn out! I stayed home with mine for the first 3 years
I did SAHM and my baby now a kindergarten. His teacher tells me all the time, Theo loves you so much 😂he tells his teacher that! He misses me and all our adventures, it was so worth it we totally bonded.
Currently on paternity leave taking care of our first daughter.
About a month ago we decided to move forward with daycare after I return to work but recently I told my wife she could stay home with our daughter instead.
It doesn’t seem right, even for me as a male, to send our 6 month old to daycare. Seems unnatural.
Glad I came across this podcast episode!
Good on you sir!! Instincts are RIGHT!
Well done! Your wife and children will appreciate this more than you can imagine. She needs it and they need her.
Children naturally want and need their own mothers!
That’s so awesome! Good job dad. It’s very emotionally painful as a mom to walk away from our babies.
It is unnatural. So glad for you and your wife!
Like my Mom always said, "The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world." Beautifully stated.
According to The Google:
The title of English poet William Ross Wallace's poem 'The Hand That Rocks the Cradle is the Hand that Rules the World' has become a stand-in proverb to demonstrate the power of motherhood and how it can bring about sweeping changes across generations.
@@debblouin Thank you for sharing the author of this great poem! I never knew that!
Therefore, if a nanny/babysitter rocks the cradle, does the nanny eventually rule the world?
Something to think about.
@maggieshort2402 Nannies do not have authority over your kids. Parents do. They instill the values. A nanny is making sure they're alive and moving through the day as smoothly as possible. But they are not a replacement to mom and dad. Nannies who act as aids to the family verses a full-time replacement are two different scenarios. The full-time one gets the attachment of your kids. Having friends who grew up with full-time nannies, I see they didn't take on much of whatever their parents think about the world. They resorted to school peers and their opinions to help formulate who they turned into. That's what happened to me as well.
Therefore the stare want us to work.
I have been a nanny for 10 years, this is a touchy subject for me because I LOVE my job and feel so prepared to raise my own children, but I know that the kids I care for deserve to be bonding with their own mothers. Sometimes I feel like I definitely get in the way of that.
Given my experience as a nanny, I would only want myself and partner to raise our own kids!
Same over here 👋🏼
I was a nanny for several years as well. I, too, felt so very prepared to raise my own children. I was able to point out and help with issues of the kids I cared for and felt, honestly, in retrospect, very judgy and like I would be such a good mom. I also had a few children I felt so sorry for, as well as their moms, bc one in particular would scream and cry when I would leave and had to almost be ripped off of me whenever I would leave, but never reacted at all when her parents would leave. I felt so sad for them both bc they were missing out on each other and I could see her mom was crushed by it every time. So I know what you mean by feeling like you interfere with their attachment. Sometimes doing the best job you can as a nanny feels like you are trying to take their moms place. But in my heart I only wanted the kids to feel safe and comfortable and loved and cared for while I was there, and wanted their mom to feel comfortable, too. Anyways, as prepared as I felt I was, I now have both a 4.5 and 3 yr old daughter. They are my entire world and in many ways I have been very grateful for the years I spent in childcare and nannying. But let me just forewarn you. Everything I thought I knew went out the window when I had my own children 😅 I was in no way as prepared as I thought I was. Early Childhood development and education, classes and books and putting that knowledge into practice in the classrooms and homes I worked in was great. But it just was not remotely preparation for motherhood. Lol I was very immediately humbled by my first child and overwhelmed by my second. I barely even remember the first few months of her life because my older daughter wanted nothing to do with a new baby which was very difficult for me to deal with emotionally, and the sleep deprivation I experienced was indescribable and life altering. I have narcolepsy and the sudden lack of a sleep schedule turned my world upside down. And bc they are 18 months apart, I basically didn't sleep for 3 years 😅. The sleep issue is much better now (I was thankfully blessed with children that slept well much of the time, and blessed w a spouse that let me keep a kid or 2 in the bed with us if they were having a bad night and needed to sleep with mommy) bc they are a bit older now, but I just wanted to tell you that there is no such thing as preparing for motherhood. There's no telling what number of unexpected things will happen. My oldest had developmental delays and didn't walk until she was 2.5. Didn't see that coming. Her complete rejection of her new baby sister for really the first 1.5 to 2 years of her life I never saw coming. My own health problems and surgeries I didn't expect. My spouse going back to college full time on top of everything else and us being both so busy and exhausted we almost barely saw each other (although we have both made it a point for one of the two of us to be with our kids always, no matter what, outside of short periods of time occasionally for appointments, etc) I also didn't expect. Plus so many other things that happened that made my introductory years into motherhood very chaotic feeling and just not at all what I had dreamed of or imagined. But it's all in how you handle the things life throws in there, and just loving your babies and making sure they know it all the time. So make sure you prepare yourself for feeling unprepared more than anything!! But it has been the most rewarding, exhilarating, and immeasurably joyful, humbling, amazing experience you could ever imagine! Whenever you get to experience motherhood, soak it in and enjoy every moment you can! ❤
Speaks volumes
I am feeling the same way as I am a nanny as well!
I can relate to this so much. I was a babysitter for about 20 different kids in various households until I graduated college. There was one little girl that will stay in my mind forever. She was only around 12 months old when I started watching her. Her mother worked from home, so her mom was there the whole time I was there (unless she needed to grocery shop). She had her own office that she would be in while I watched her baby. I would play with the baby, feed her, put her for naps, take her to the park, rock her to sleep, etc. I even sang to her. While I was glad that her mom was close by, it also broke my heart to be bonding to her baby in that way. It felt wrong and I knew deep down that her mother should have been the one doing those things. That's not to say that I judged her mom, I just felt sad for her baby because those are very special moments that go by very quickly. People at the park thought that she was my child, and it was always awkward explaining that I was jut the caregiver. I watched that little girl regularly for 4 months until I moved from the area and it was really hard to leave her. I'm grateful for all of the childcare experiences that I had, because it made me feel very prepared when I became pregnant myself, but I still feel sad for a lot of the kids that I watched. My daughter is 4 years old now and has never had a caregiver other than my husband and I. She is a bubbly, bright, very well adjusted little girl and I am grateful that I was able to be there for all of her special moments for far. I hope that more mothers do the same if they can. These years go by so quickly, you blink and they're gone! 💞
I’ve said for several years that America has a war on children. We do nothing to promote the relationship between mothers and children, we barely even recognize it. This is playing a major role in the breakdown of our society. I’m hopeful the pendulum is swinging back, as we are recognizing the cost of our individualism to our kids.
1000%. The war on children became evident to me when I had my first child. All the poison they want to inject the babies with on their first day of life! It’s sick!
I agree. This is probably the reason why all these mass shootings happen in the U.S.
Women in the US are treated horribly when it comes to pregnancy, work and raising small children. They are forced to work up until delivery. Twelve weeks of UNPAID maternity leave is a joke!!! Then they are forced to return to work, pump breast milk and leave their babies with strangers. Unfortunately, there is no outrage about this in our society. From my personal experience I had very bad sciatica around seventh month of pregnancy, could barely walk. My GYN doctor wouldn’t give me any doctor’s notes, so I could stay home. Thanks to my family support, I stopped working, stayed at home with my babies and worked part time. I feel bad for other women who don’t have that support or other options.
I worked up until my due date with my first. Over my maternity leave I still thought I would have to go back after 3 months… I went into a daycare with him and my parents and burst into tears. I knew at that moment I could never leave him with all these other babies in a daycare. My husband agreed… I’m here 11 years and 3 kids later, a stay-at-home mom and now a homeschooling mom. There have been seasons that were easier, and some harder. She is right that community matters so much. I’ve lost some of that with having additional need’s neurodivergent kids. Praying that God will bring a few good friends into our life in this season.
I will say that while it can be exhausting and lonely at times, I would never, ever trade these years for having a career. I was highly educated and worked in a very prestigious field at one point. Nothing matters more than pouring into your children, especially when the corrupt voices of the world are louder and stronger than ever.
I feel you... I had my first and only baby in 2022, I got into the daycare list, visited 3 places and was planning to leave my 3 months old 6h a day... But I was having insomnia to think about going to work and leave him there. ratio in CA is 1:4 infants, insane! Those poor babies do not get the care needed. It is absolutely heartbreaking that the state puts up such a high ratio for infant... So first I got an au pair... She would watch him half day in my house fully with cameras from 7 to 2pm. It lasted 6 weeks... I got my mom in for six months as my husband was deployed, which was a relief. As my baby turned 11 months I quit my job as my husband would be relocated anyways. I loved my job, I went to grad school and worked with research, but priorities... My baby, he is now15 months and yes, it is not easy to be a full time mom but I am still not okay with the daycare/nanny idea. I was a babysitter for 10 years before while a student... My baby now goes for 1h to a child watch which is usually empty (3 or 4 kids for 2 caregivers) with cameras and glass windows. So I'm comfortable to let him socialize and explore for 1h or so. He doesn't need to eat or sleep there, and even tho I adjust my gym time to the best time for him. I will purchase this book and I may hurt my career a bit longer but give my only son the best I can. Especially being in a military home. It is extra difficult when my husband is away...
@@dde716God bless you and I hope the best for your family. I am young and was so career driven but I know I want to be at home with my children ❤️❤️❤️
God will bless you and your family; may all of you never want for anything in every season you experience!
Praying for your "destiny helpers" as well! Kudos for your strength!
I have a very similar story! I thought I'd be going back to work after my first was born and then I just could not put my baby in daycare. I am now a mom of five, we home school, and I have been there as my kids grow up. I volunteer in their weekly co-op and I'm generally very happy with my life. I can't imagine how different my life would be if I hadn't taken that first leap of faith to stay home. My wonderful husband has worked so hard over the years to make it possible, too. ❤
I’m a 22 year old mom that got married and pregnant at 21. My husband and I knew we wanted to be together forever but our pregnancy was unplanned. A BLESSING but unplanned. I was a career/school driven young women that wanted kids later but put my career first. My husband is more of a traditional man and he convinced me of being a homemaker. I’ve never felt so happy. I love being with my baby at home. I love the traditional dynamic. If I told my intense scholar self back then that I became a stay at home mom, she wouldn’t believe me.😅 Children bring a happiness you never knew you could experience. I’m very in tune with my baby and the connection I developed and still developing… I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
Oh and by the way, a lot of career women with no children assume that stay at home moms are rich. That’s simply not true. My husband and I are young, I’m a college student and we live in California😅 Major, major, major budgeting is required for this dynamic. And sacrifices! I’ve been wearing the same clothes since sophomore year of college haha. My baby is spoiled though haha. She gets every thing she needs and almost wants haha.
You’re doing awesome. Congratulations on your family ❤
School and clothes will always be there but children are babies,toddlers and little ones for only a few years. I have been blessed to be a stay at home mom for 23 years and I am just now back to school building a new career as an Master Esthetician. Our children are very secure, stable and happy, they never went to daycare and I also homeschooled for a few years. Our family is relaxed and tight knit and I am thankful for the love and bond we have,
You got this girl! Thank you for sharing your testimony! I agreed, people are used to assume that we, stay at home moms are rich, but it isn't true😅😅😅 just like you said, in my family we are the same 😅 (28 yo, first daughter a year and half ago and expecting the second one 😊) Sending you hugs and prayers sis!!!!
This was literally me!
Nothing with being a homemaker but husband can leave it die.Women should have their own money especially if she has underage kids.
My daughter and 2 grandsons, ages 1 and 3 recently moved in with me. I’m 60 and recently quit working my full time job to be here for the boys. It’s an exhausting blessing. I’m able to be with the boys, and cook and make them a stable home while my daughter is figuring her life and financial future out. Wish us luck. We have lots of love, trusting financially we survive.
Bless you for being there for your family!
Thank you. ❤
Amazing! You're an amazing grandparent, i aspire to be like you when my kids have children of their own❤❤❤
May God bless you and your children/grand children. Your daughter is so lucky to have you around. I lost my mum 2 years ago and I wish she could be around to help me while I try to finish nursing school. God has a plan for us I know 🙏🏾
U r an amazing mother. God bless you!
Stay home mom here, I also homeschool. I got to see all of my four kids first words, first steps, learning how to read, how to add and subtract, we marvel at caterpillars turning into butterflies, we learned about states of matter, and habitats, history, etc I’ve been there to talk about life with my teens until midnight, we cook together, clean together, watch TH-cam funny shorts and share playlists 😊❤️ I would not change it for the world!!!
I strongly desire to be a stay at home mom. I'm in a really unfortunate situation where I have to be a working mom and am not a working mom by choice. I'm absolutely miserable and know this is the the role I should not be in, and I am also in an undesirable living situation. Please pray for me. Working while having a little one is so tough.
God is giving your child the grace to be your son/daughter. God is giving you the grace to be your child’s parent. We just have to do our best, pray and trust in God who loves you both. ❤❤
Praying for you ❤
I'll pray for you my dear, I work part time from home, I'm a teacher, and it is hard even when I only work for two hours
I’m so sorry. Hang in there. Erica shared in the interview about another mom in a situation similar to yours, who was able to express when back home in evening with kids that she was very sad to leave them during day and how much she loved them. Her kids grew up and came to understand her for doing her very best to be with them, in circumstances truly outside her control. Just said a prayer for you, for a change in your circumstances so you can be with them more, your littles and your beautiful mother’s heart.
Yesss amen!! Same!!
After 4 months of maternity leave with my first baby I went back to work. First full time, then part time working three 10 hour days. My husband stayed home when I worked. Sometimes my baby would be asleep when I left in the morning and asleep when I got home😔. Even though my husband is a gentle loving man, it was brutal on both him and baby. I could hear her cry and usually know immediately what she needed. Men don’t have the same intuition. After a while we looked at each other and said, “what the heck are we doing? This makes no sense.”
I finally let go of my 8 year corporate career. They begged me to stay. I was so established and appreciated, however, I knew in my heart of hearts that being home with my baby was the most important thing. . . Only THEN did I find all these podcasts!!! Susan Venker being the first. It was eye opening. Now I have a 2.5 and 8 month old.
It’s freaking hard. I think I need a more active mom group! lol But it’s also the best thing ever.
inspiring to hear this! i need active mom support group too where mothers raise their children around the same age together. and i have a baby under 1yo too. would love to join if there’s anyyy haha
Makes sense. Not surprised.
I'm a babysitter and was working for a family for 5 years. 2 girls, 2 moths old and 2 years old. The amazing memories and love I received from the girls is the greatest gift in my life. The mother is a doctor and the sweetest person I've ever met. But she doesn't know what she missed! She loves her kids and is a good mom but sometimes I'm sad fo her for missing out on the beautiful moments I witnessed. The younger girl was 5 when I quit and she was going through a difficult time when I left. Now they are 9 and 7 and I still visit them, in fact I'm going to see them today! ❤ I love them as if they were my own!
Could you put into words what you felt she missed?
@@azmomconnectionif you’re a mother you should know the answer to your own question. There are always milestones to be witnessed when they are that small.
How does a doctor live with the fact that she takes care of other people all day long while her own children are left to other people? Weird
@@user-ip2bw8hf2q Exactly. I'm not sure where she was going with that question. Especially with a username like that.
@@gogogolyra1340 To live? That's a little too strong. The best for children is to be with their mom until the age of 3 but please don't make it look like she committed a crime. If she doesn't work, they can't afford to pay rent and good school in the future. It's not the mother, it's the world we live in.
South African millennial here 🙋🏾♀️. I was raised around my mother a lot. She told me she 'wore' me on her back a lot of the time. Going shopping, doing handwashing, cleaning the house and even running other errands outside the house when my father was at work. I grew up seeing women walking around, even in shopping malls with a baby on their back. They just could do it and the babies would sleep soundly, unbothered. Sadly, this is ending in urban societies in the country. Its not common to see mothers with their babies on their back during the day as we have become much more modernized. Not surprisingly, children have become more and more troublesome in schools and in their communities 💔.
heart breaking! modern life can be so isolating and sickening, wearing the baby would make it fully securly attached.
My last two babies were worn on my chest for majority of their infancy and breastfed for over a year (never could master the back carry, hoping to try again with the next kid!). There is a noticeable difference in their level of confidence and emotional stability compared to my kids who spent their entire infancy bouncing from swing, to bouncer, to bassinet, etc etc. I didn’t even realize at the time how beneficial baby-wearing was, but now that I know more about attachment theory and have seen the fruits, baby wearing has become an essential part of the way that we rise our children ❤
@breetreadway8631 Wow, it truly is fascinating!
@@breetreadway8631this is interesting. do you think that there’s really significant difference weather a baby is being worn on mother’s chest vs being put in the bassinet/rockers?
i am a sahm with 9months baby. its difficult (and tiring) for me to get the house chores done if i carry her all day while doing chores. so i usually put her in the playpen. but she wouldnt stay long. she wants me to carry her or be with her in the playpen.
your comments made me try to reconsider, maybe its better to wear her while i’m doing chores (especially when she’s crying asking for me) than leave her in the playpen.. do you really think this will affect them (babies) as you mentioned - their confidence, their development etc too?
@@SyeQNPI’m not this person but when you wear your baby she will fall asleep so you can put her down and continue your other tasks. You could get a structured carrier vs the cloth one to handle her weight. It helps a lot !!
It's important to remember that a daycare worker does not love your child. They are caring for a child's physical needs in exchange for money. Having been a daycare worker I can testify that most of the parents of the children I cared for were extremely emotionally removed from their children. They of course, would never have said that they didn't love their kids, but they would have preferred to do just about anything rather than spend quality time with them.
It is really wild to me how many moms line up for daycare and talk themselves up about it. It completely goes against nature to separate from your baby.
Omg! 😮
I think the moms are somewhat brainwashed by society to not coddle our children. And this inadvertently breaks that strong bond between mother and child.
@@Ana_Cecilia615some of us have no choice 😢 if I didn’t work at the moment we would be struggling financially.
I agree. Having worked as a nanny and at a daycare, I gave my best to the babies, but 8 babies is impossible to bond with each individually. Every day... but add to that those coworkers that truly didn't want to be there, it was heartbreaking. They would just give the bare minimum with little empathy. The bureaucracy from the higher-ups was even worse. I had to leave and become a nanny, which I loved! But definitely not what I wanted for my own kids. So I left my job to be there 100% for mine. Not missing their firsts and just knowing they have me unconditionally is the best decision ❤
I've been a sahm for 7 years so far. We also homeschool. My career is not done but just on pause and I'm good with it. My children need me more than strangers do. 💕
I homeschool too! 11 years as a SAHM of 5. This is my life’s work.
“My children need me more than strangers do.” I loved how profound yet concise this was stated!
Wow .I. Gonna practice saying that
So what if your husband dies. Or gets tired and leaves you and the kids. Then what? What example are you setting for your kids? Im a young working mother of two daugters. I wudnt trade it. I chart a path fot myself and my girls.. regardless of what my spouse does or has. That's my duty as their mother. Y All dusty making excuses. The world does not need yall. And you're not doing it for your kids. You do it for your family. Becoming a mom made me work harder than ever. This sahm logic makes no sense
@@crysy2444 Not sure if you watched and payed attention to the video but it's about mother's being with their very young children instead of sending them off due to developmental issues ..No one is saying you should be a sahm forever. If it works for other's that's fine but you should hear the main point of the interview and not worry about other's or Insult them lol.. it's giving insecure 😂
When I became a SAHM 20 years ago- there was a lot of shaming by society that kids with SAHMs were not being “socialized” properly. It made me defensive and worried constantly about my child’s “social” skills (ability to share, make friends etc).
I later learned that infants and toddlers need attachment not socializing. Socializing is for school-age kids.
This obsessing about socialization was a way to encourage parents to go to work and not feel guilty about childcare.
These days, it's shifted from SAHM/SAHP to homeschooling. I homeschool my daughter. We're in the community routinely and I've had people question IF she'll be able to socialize WHILE THEY ARE ACTUALLY WATCHING HER SOCIALIZE! 😮 The smarty-pants in me has wanted to say, "If you don't believe your own eyes and ears, I don't know what to say." What I do say instead is that I'm not worried. (Truth is I am worried about how stupid people seem to be these days.) Being a SAHP isn't that well accepted even now, not really. Good to know I'm not alone. Thanks! 👍
Can I ask how your children are doing now?
@@JT14-rz7fx oldest is finishing university and youngest is graduating high school- both very well adjusted and happy kids, even as teenagers.
Trust your gut parents!
and don’t listen to the “experts” on things we just know intuitively as parents
"Attachment not socializing." Wow that just blew my mind! This message needs to be amplified!
I feel like it’s still the same mentality! I get comments all the time “well daycare is good for socializing; shouldn’t your son be in daycare otherwise he won’t learn how to socialize”
I have never in my life of 75 years heard so much wisdom about the value of being a mother…..and the “why” and the “how” of being a mother!!! Your understanding is profoundly needed for mothers of this century….oh how I wish I had realized your wisdom when I was a mother. My 3 kids are adults, and have their own families. I am painfully aware now of the influence I had on their current personalities and difficulties. I hope to talk with them about the mistakes I made with them, and about the hope I can give for them now as they live their adult lives.
Thank you for your excellent information, and your excellent interview skill, Lila!!
Thank you for this. I had all these instincts in me as a first time mom that she talks about. My MIL and my own mother pressured me so much to leave my child in daycare, leave them at the child care at church, let them cry it out and so much more. I was told to put “my big girl pants on” and that I was rude and unkind because I wouldn’t let grandma calm the baby or grandma do bedtime with the baby and that I was hurting my walk with God because I would bring my baby with me to service and distracting everyone. But everytime I would cave I would feel like something broke in me. So I stopped it all even though I was continuously pressured. I’m so glad I heard this and I asked my hubby to listen too. It was so nice to hear something that was in line with what I was naturally feeling as a mom. My husband is now on the same page because of this and I can’t tell you what a blessing this is.
But the cultural pressure in America is so real and so hard to fight against. Please keep bringing these topics up because I really would love to see a change in America when it comes motherhood.
So so proud of you.. what an amazing mom.
Prioritizing your family, your relationship with your husband and your children, IS walking with God. What more could He want from you than to love them the best you can? He loves all of you and that is exactly what He would want for you.
Whoever said you shouldn’t bring your baby to church needs to read Jesus’ words. “Bring the little children to me.” “Be as children, for they will inherit the kingdom of God.”
Just saying…
PLEASE TAKE YOUR BABY TO CHURCH WITH YOU! :) 1- people need to stop acting like church services/ mass isnfor adults. 2- learning to sit quietly, listening starts as toddlers. 3-I always say thank you to parents of babies/small children for sharing their child with the rest of us. We need to see families in church
One mom at a time!❤
Hey Lila, could you do another episode with Erica (or whoever’s best for it) on the Fathers side of this equation? This is awesome by the way and so helpful as a father to be!
Agree, fathers need to step it up and give their wife the opportunity to stay at home.
Second this
Yes!
@AlanBaur Lila don’t make the episode if it’s about what this dope is saying. Why does every video of advice to men come from a place of “men need to do better” nah we’re doing fine stop with the constant shaming
@@awsambdaman what are you talking about?
I come from Slovakia (Eastern Europe). Mothers get three years maternity leave and they take it. It is kind of unheard of to leave a child before before that three year milestone, although this is changing there as well (sadly). Currently living and having kids in Switzerland with 16 weeks maternity leave (close to US standard I guess) only now I recognize how privileged women in my home country are. All below three years while working is a struggle - daycare, nanny. I fully give Mrs Komisár credit for finally naming the things the right name. I feel pain seeing moms wheeling their kids to daycare at ten months for 10+ hours trying to persuade others (and themselves) how greatly their babies play (!) At the daycare and how great they are doing there....
And how confident mum will be going back to workplace after 3 years of missing out? Why only mum has to take such a long break? I also live in Switzerland and kids of my friends are super sociable and absolutely fine.
@@nvdolcevita1717 It's biological. It's important for both parents to be there but it's CRUCIAL for mom to be there. The mother is the first bond EVERYone forms as a baby and it's important to secure that bond instead of giving children separation trauma. That bond is formed with the mother before the baby is even born.
"Why only mum has to take such a long break?" - I don't know about Slovakia, but we in Poland have half a year of paid maternity leave, half a year of paid parental leave and two more years of unpaid parental leave. Father can take it, but mostly it's mothers who take it. Because they can and are free to do it. They want it and they take it, if they have a choicd
@@nvdolcevita1717great comment. There’s no biological reason women need to “bond” with their child. It’s just a matter of habits and customs and how we grow up. Women are socialised to always think of others needs and to be the caregivers while men are not, they usually learn practical things from their dads and don’t get involved in the household helping their mothers or helping for family gatherings or taking care of smaller babies etc. And that is the reason that when they become adults they have less caregiving skills and do not get involved that much in child rearing.
I disagree. I have two sons and a daughter. The way my daughter plays woth dolls, is interested in other babies and wants to help me doing homechores cannot be compared with how my boys were. And I did not force cars to them amd dolls to her. They picked up their toys, I never forbade or induced toys to them. It is biological.
Asked my husband early in our dating life if he agreed with a homeschooling stay at home mom and he said YES! He had a stay at home mom and he is so grateful. Thankful for my MIL showing him how much mama means ❤. 10 years into our marriage and he now earns over 6 figures so we are good. But we struggled for years, and it was worth it. Our babies mean more than having nice stuff.
When I was born in '91, it was utterly chaotic because I was 3 months early and had to spend a whole month in an incubator. The hospital put my mum in a different hospital, I had barely any contact to my mother or my dad in the early days.
I suffered from abandonment issues, anger issues, depression as a child and adult and got laughed at my temper tantrums by my parents because they didn't take it serious. Today as an adult at 32 years old I'm trying with my husband o start our own family. I want to give my future children exactly what I didn't have, what I was always missing from my parents. I want to heal my past by being a loving mother for the future. ❤
Skits, please also look into how carbohydrates and its cohort falling blood sugars affect mood stability in both child and parent.
God bless you I hope and will pray for you Skits
@@LK-jn4ujsure but that is entirely irrelevant in regard to anything she just said…
At the 47:00 mark, it really hit me. My late mother was someone who should have never married or had children. Her career was her world. Nothing mattered to her but the next promotion, the next pay raise, the next award she received. It destroyed her marriage and her relationship with me and my siblings. Listening to this interview made me realize that my mom didn't have the empathy to be a mother. This explains why she could not bond with her grandchildren or understand why being a SAHM was so important and fullfling to me.
Hope you received some healing and peace from this.
That sounds a lot like my experience. My mother had kids because ‘that’s what everyone else did back then’, after loosing my father, she was very resentful, basic needs were met in obligation but there was never any emotional connection. When we were in school, she prioritized her career in the arts while my brother and I spend the majority of our childhood unattended, home alone after school until practically bed time.
It took an immense amount of healing for me to accept that I wanted to be a mother, or to believe I could be a better one to my kids. I have the most amazing 6 year old daughter and a son on the way, I am the only one pursuing a family life out of all of my cousins and siblings, but my family constantly judges every decision I make to be there for my children, and unless I’m being payed or pursuing a career according to them, I’m a freeloading loser. It’s been a very lonely path.
@@beatafaenkova7416 it sounds like you got some healing and are an amazing mom.
Don't listen to the naysayers, they don't understand 😊
@@vintagebeliever5023 Thank you for saying that 😌
Good for you for having a different life! I always think that on my mom's death bed her only regret will be not spending more time at the office. Seriously.
I think a lot of millennial women grew up being told that they need to be independent and be able to provide for themselves. Which it's a wonderful thing to be able to do, but it doesn't teach codependency in a positive way. I am not a SAHM. I just quit my career of 13 years and I can honestly say being a SAHM is WAY harder than a desk job, but WAY more rewarding
This conversation reminds me of my critical aunt. When my kid was born, we never really “put him down” to nap. Someone (me, husband, grandparents) ALWAYS wanted to hold him. Critical aunt visited one day and thought we were nuts, that we were spoiling him.
Glad we were “selfish” and didn’t listen to her!!!
Good for you. I was the same way
Yeah my stepdad told me a few times I was “spoiling” my one-year old by letting her sleep with us. You really can’t spoil a baby and, as she points out, that was totally normal for her age.
Lol, yeah when my oldest daughter was like 1.5, my mother accused her of being "spoiled" because I met all of her needs
@@MayBlake_Channel my stepdad has done that. I suppose it’s well-meaning and probably reflective of how others parented. I was told my daughter needs to be “comfortable in her own skin” because she likes to cuddle in my bed in the morning… she’s two. 🤦♀️
I have been told 'well, she won't be spoilt but she's learning that if she crys you'll pick her up and cuddle her every time. You see, look, she's stopped crying!'
I was like 'exactly! That's exactly what she needs to learn, that I'll always be there for her whenever she needs me!' ❤️
I was raised by a full time working single mother and I know my mom tried her best given her circumstances but it really influenced my decision (with my husband of course) to be a stay at home mom when I first became a mother. We now how five under seven and it is definitely hard work but as Jesus says "my burden is light and my yoke is easy" - easy in this case means "well fitted." Being a homemaker, home educator and mother at home is undoubtedly THE most well fitted yoke that I shoulder with joy most days. Any conflict I feel within myself on the tough days is usually the result of my own shortcomings (failing to go to bed on time, looking at my phone too much) and NOT inherent to the duties of my state in life. It is incredibly purifying which is painful sometimes yes but painful like a side cramp when you're running. It's not in vain and doesn't take the glory away from the feat in the slightest. I'm so thankful for my paternal grandmother who raised 8 babies and gave me the best example of the gentle perseverance that it takes to succeed in this job.
This is beautifully said. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. God bless you, mama!
5 under 7 is not normal by any measure. Do your research.
@@RootBound505 we have a set of twins but normal by today's standards is not what we're shooting for so that's A-OK with me.
Best comment here and also you’ve just enlightened me on what my yoke is easy meant haha He is good
I am the mother of six adult children. I was lucky to be a stay at home mom. While I agree that children need you in the early years I also think they need you in the middle school years and early high school. Those years can be tough times.
Thanks for this comment. My kids are going to be in full elementary school soon and I’ve been thinking about going back to work but in my gut I know that they may need me to be there 100 percent in their preteen and teen years
Children in the tweens and teens need their mothers every bit as much as young children!
Especially middle and highschool....
I agree
Yes! My teens and preteens definitely need me. I do a bit of part-time work.
I'm currently pregnant and I have been grappling with how to organize my life once our baby is born. I can't begin to express how wonderful it is to hear evidence-based, reasoned commentary on this topic. Thank you so much!
Hi! Just want to say, same! I'm pregnant too, but I got stressed out by everyone around me saying I have to look at nursery and daycare NOW. I got upset at the idea of having to 'give my baby away' and go back to work, when I haven't even given birth or left yet. Still not sure what to do, but being there for my baby is priority.
Mom of 4, I worked fulltime the first two years of my oldests life. I missed her first steps. I then stayed home with my kids since then and went on to have 3 more. I don't remember when I had, what we wore they don't remember what stuff they had. They remember their time spent well with me there. We never regretted that. I do remember that I missed my first babies first steps. 20 years later still hurts.
@@aishatailford3947You live small and budget tight until kids go to school then you work around their school schedule. Then you can upgrade the "stuff" but the first 10 years old life they don't care what brand pants they have as long as they have pants and you to play with outside with them.
I thought I would share my own story here- I had my first baby at 30 years old, before that I never loved babies or kids I actually doubted I could ever be a good mother. while pregnant sometimes I got scared and thought "oh my god what have I done, this baby in my belly isn't going anywhere thats it" felt kind of like a death sentence or something, the first day we brought our baby home I was thinking to myself "how could the hospital let me take this baby home, I'm not a mother" but on one aspect I was lucky you could say, at least this is how I saw it. I have a long history of childhood trauma, I had a pretty crazy life up until I was 22 or so..and the one thing I knew is that I am going to learn everything I can and do my research and even if I don't feel ready I am going to do motherhood right. Erica said something in this podcast that really resonated with me, when you have your child it is as if a door has opened and you can look back into your own childhood, and for me exactly that thing happned. I began remembering so much things from my own childhood, the trauma I have been through and it has helped me analyze myself and my own feelings and see clearly where have my childhood went wrong. the first 3 months were very tough for me and my baby because it was quite shocking and it was definitely not what I was expecting. I thought that babies poop eat and go to sleep but my baby, he cried bloody murder, he couldn't fall asleep unless he was held and he seemed to suffer but I didn't know (at least back then) why and I couldn't do anything to help, I got all sorts of advice like the "let him cry it out" but at that point I was very in tune with my instincts and I wasn't afraid to go against everyone and say no, that is wrong I feel my baby needs me he is distressed. I ended up wearing him with me most of the time, by 3 months old I decided to ditch baby formula supplements (which I gave only because a nurse had scared me that I am starving my baby because I don't have enough milk) and things started to come together and make sense. today my baby is 2.7 years old, I have stayed at home with him the whole time and let my motherly instincts tell me what would be better for him and right now I am waiting for his brother to come..I wouldn't change anything in the choices I made even though the battle I first went through was pretty intense at the first I can proudly say that I have invested my whole self into motherhood and there are no truer words for me than "raising my children is the most important job in the world" sorry for the long comment but I just wanted to let other women know, that even with all the trauma and pain and suffering and coming from a humble economic background it can be possible to do what I did, to reconnect with your inner child, to allow yourself become the mother your children need you to be, and allow yourself to be there for them and with them. also I would recommend looking into some gentle parenting tactics, I feel there is a lot healing that I have achieved for my self through this type of mindset about parenthood.
Wow thank you for this … could you share more about any resources that helped u in ur journey
My wife has been a full time mom for 15 of the last 17 years. Only worked when all the kids were in school. We chose a frugal lifestyle to make that happen. Now our oldest is 17 and all our children are thriving.
I was always told wait until they are teenagers! Now that I have had two for sometime now my response is if you do things right the teenage years aren’t hard at all. 95 percent of parenting happens in the first 5 years and after that you just get to enjoy the ride.
Same. We haven’t had any problems when our kids went through their teens, they have always had a stable home with mom and dad and a SAHM. I was always available for them as teens and we continue to have a good relationship as they are young adults.
Lots of families who did everything In Their power to raise their kids right had a tumultuous time with at least one of their children. You don’t get to rest on your laurels until they are all well into adulthood, otherwise you are asking for trouble😉
I mean you should always enjoy the ride but getting things right the first 5 years doesn’t mean a kid won’t have new issues arise in the teen years. I don’t think you’re really saying this but parenting never stops. Some have easy babies and wild teens. Some have fussy babies and crazy toddlers and calm, friendly teens. I don’t have teenagers yet I’m just going off my own experiences and seeing other peoples’ kids grow up (including stay at home moms). That’s life, though. It’s unpredictable. That kind of terrifies me as a mother but I pray that with the grace of God I’ll be able to raise well-adjusted children. Props to your wife.
@@user-kb7sl6cz6s I wasn’t saying the first five years are the majority of parenting just because of personal experience. There is a lot of research and data that indicates this is the case. My personal experience just happens to mirror what the data says.
My mom worked fulltime a heavy job. We were awful unsupervised teenagers and knew she was too tired....
I stay home with mine they don't do any of the things I did. They're honor roll students and they craft, do sports, work part time etc, I'm always present.
I see titles like this video and as a new mom whose dream it is to be a SAHM, my heart is too vulnerable to even listen to it. Me along with many other moms sometimes don’t have the choice. I’m an elementary teacher and my husband is in full time nursing school and work. We can’t afford to live anywhere if I am not working at the moment and it’ll be like this for atleast another year. We were blessed with our baby boy a few months ago and I go back to work from maternity leave in 3 days. I’m dreading it. I love being a teacher, but I literally can’t bear being away from my son. Not to mention, we don’t have family members who can watch him so he has to go to day care which already shakes me to my core in distress just thinking about it(even though it’s the best day care in our area and everyone says great things about it). I’m praying that God one day grants me the window of atleast a 1-2 years to be a SAHM and to help my husband see the value in it as well (which is hard when he saw his own mom as a working mom when he was growing up).
Lord Jesus, please be with us working moms that want so badly to be with our children and be SAHM, but don’t have the means to do so. Help us to feel blessed to provide for our families while we have to. Help us eventually have the opportunity to be with our babies who we would do anything for. If it is your will, please help us find a way to make it happen. Some way, somehow. In Jesus name. Amen.
Maybe watch this together and make a plan so you can be home as soon as possible?
You can be a stay at home mom if you and your husband are willing to make the sacrifices to do so. I wish your family all the best.
@@merrileemcdonald448agreed. Please watch with husband and develop a plan. Let’s pray for you.
I understand your heart. My children are grown now, but I so remember the days I longed to be home with them and couldn’t. The Lord made a way for me to do so eventually and I just now prayed He would do so for you.
I'm also a teacher and I went part tkme after having kids and then stopped all together. We had my mom who is the most maternal a women can be watch my babies so o knew they were in good hands. And my babies that were watched by her are super close. If I had to pay daycare I literally wouldn't have made any money at all. See if your actaullly coming out ahead or just working to pay daycare. Also see what you can cut out of your life. Cool at home, garden, shop sales. Make your own bread, clean your house, drive used cars, smaller home all that kind of stuff. My husband and I actually had to move across the country away from our friends and family to allow me to stay at home. The cost of living where we were at couldn't be done on one income. It's been a hard move but I'm rewarded with my children in my home which is a huge win! SAHM comes with sacrifices. But as I say if there is a will there is a way! Good luck!
"Mothers regulate emotions like sadness, distress and fear. Fathers regulate aggression and they regulate excitement." ~ Erica Komisar
This was a beautiful explanation.
So much bullshit. As women we are socialised to care for others since we’re little. So that explains why the burdens of staying at home or constantly being the primary care giver fall onto women. Men need to step it up and start getting more involved in taking care of their children and providing emotional support as well.
I did have a mom who had a job, but I was extremely lucky that she was a teacher, so she basically just worked during the same time I was at school, so I feel like I had plenty of time to bond with her.
Many mothers choose that career because it works around kids.
That feeling when someone articulates what you knew in your gut! That was the exclamation point in me being home with my baby.♡ I no longer give two F's what people look down on me for not having a career. I love life now!
Be proud to be a dedicated home maker and mother. Much love to you!! ❤️
Your children are better than your career
Her comments on lost instinct is what I've observed as well! I'm a homemaker of 10+ years and a mother of 8+ years, Ive never left the home because it went against my instincts and my conscience. I didnt read any parenting books, I just have always been in touch with my maternal instincts, and I knew that feminism is a trap that leads you away from what is the most fulfilling.
This 1000% same! Same!
@@rf4537 you and your kids dodged bullets bro. College education (beside STEM imo) is an unnecessary liability these days. Especially with those emerging new fields of studies that produce wortless degrees you would think a thousand times to spend your loan money on. Not to mention the brainwashing wrecks going on in most universities nowadays.
@@rf4537um idk how true that is but in California u dont pay off ur parents debts even if they die ( like if ur parents went to college and they died and it goes to u) thats not how it works xP so imma just disagree with u on that
Solid instincts! Survivors of narcissistic abuse often lose that instinct.
I agree! My instincts would never do sleep training and let my child scream to sleep. That’s not natural to me. Bizarre
I was separated from my mother at 2. I still don’t know everything that happened because I haven’t seen her since then, and ofc my dad only tell his side. I can’t tell you the psychological problems and attachment problems this has caused me. I miss her so much everyday. I feel a piece of me has forever been missing. My stepmom who later raised us was evil. I miss my mother everyday even tho I was only 2years old last time I saw her. Mothers are so so so important in a baby/child’s life. If you separated them they do remember.
😢 I hope someday you'll be reunited with her and can at least get some answers. Perhaps it will comfort you to know that my own mother gave up one of her children for adoption and even though she did it because she truly thought it was what was best for her baby, she still carried a lot of guilt and sorrow over it for decades until she was reunited with her then college-aged child and finally had the chance to tell him why she'd made the choice to give him up and how happy she was at the chance to get to know him and form some kind of relationship with him. I hope you'll get some kind of happy ending like that too
😥 I am so sorry. I pray you find healing.
Everyone needs to hear this discussion. The concept of being a mother was basic common sense a few years ago. Mothers didn't think they needed to run and get coffee and go out on dates etc. Their job was to care for their children. They were frugal and worked their job faithfully. Society has bought a lie and we are paying dearly for it. "Lovers of their own selves" and "without natural affection". Thank you Dr for your beautiful faithful work for the most vulnerable in our society.
Being a mom doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice everything. You can also have your own activities apart from the child and it’s actually very good for a mother’s mental health to not lose her own identity and become only the mum. She is also a women on her own and she has her own interests apart from family life. Isn’t that what men are doing since forever and no one complains about it?
I studied child and family development in the Netherlands, and have both a bachelor and masters in it. The field is huge there and I know it’s not as big in the US. What’s funny is this is absolutely known in the field among the professionals. Early childhood, mother-child relationship is very well researched and everyone agrees that moms being presents in the first years and the ideal home situation being mom/dad together in a loving home is ideal! It Reduces many risk factors. It always astonishes me how this is not implemented in the culture. I will say the US has very poor social care. Everything is political and about money. Something I did not see as much in the Netherlands. Laws were passed in the Netherlands in case of divorce there needs be a clear plan for the child what is going to happen to the child. Most women actually work part-time. I myself had decided when I get married and have children to stay home with our kids until they go to school. I’m pregnant with our 5th and have been home for the past 8 years. I’m only 33 and I will have plenty of time to have a career. I still have a love for helping parents. My dream was to open my own practice and give parental guidance/advice. Help families with problematic children.
Unfortunatelly, the "good children with problematic parents" is a problem far more difficult to solve and widespread than "good parents with problematic children".
The mainstream cultural landscape just makes everything worse...
One thing you have to understand is the US medical system has been hijacked by big pharma. They want depressed people in mass numbers. So they can be prescribed SSRI's. It's really a sad state.
@@HoradrimBR YES! If only the problematic parents were so easy to help! However, there are a few situations I can think of with some close friends where good parents have required help… and it was (is still) very much appreciated - things like OCD, and drug problems come to mind. Our culture is truly attacking even the ‘best’ families.
It’s great that you prioritized your family. Do you still live in The Netherlands? Because I live here I rarely meet stay at home moms. Most work part time.
@@vurgie2013 I live in the US now as my husband is American. I would’ve been a sahm even in the Netherlands. I do know most in the field I chose worked part time though! It was the reason I chose my field because I thought it would be manageable to have a family with and I thought I would have my family close by 😅 but that didn’t work out exactly. I’m very happy with the life I’m living now though. We’re blessed too as my husband makes a good income! But we actually talked about it before marriage and he made a career switch when we were engaged to be in the engineering field! So I advice couples to work towards this lifestyle if they desire to live on 1 income.
LET'S GO MOTHERRSSSS!
Y'ALL CAN DO IT
It broke my heart when she said “ they may not be your entire universe “ 😭 I have 4 children and I love them with all my heart and soul nothing compares to them and my husband.
My youngest has just turned 2 and he has never ever been babysat by anyone at all he’s always with my husband or me, I do work but only a few hours a week and when I do my husband watches them.
My 2 year old absolutely loves his dad and loves to go for walks with him and do the weekly shop with him so they are the times I get some time to myself but other than that I don’t want to be away from my children especially my baby one it don’t feel right I feel completely lost without him 😢
Yup, some of us didn't get good mothers😢
Stumbled upon this today. Why does barely anyone talk about all this. I’m in my early 30s and have a 2 year old. I do work a few hours a week - mostly from home. Here I was feeling like there is something wrong with me for being so attached to my baby and wanting him close in this season. this is very freeing. I feel like I need to digest this and listen to it more than once. Thank you.
Thank you for this podcast!! Absolutely moving!! I was a stay at home mother for 4 boys and still have my youngest at home and i can say with 100% conviction that being a stay at home mother is the most important job you will ever do!!!! I realize there are some mothers who dont have a husband that supports this and i have great compassion for them but if you have the option to stay home with your children please do! You will not regret it!!
Your husband can’t force you to work. Just say’n sometimes it’s priorities. My husband said how will we survive I said I don’t know? And here we are 4 years later with a great life and me still at home with our son. 😊
We only have one car, we wear used clothes and don’t eat out and combined house holds with my mom (it’s not easy) but wouldn’t trade this time I’ve had for all the money in the world. 🥲
Thank you both for sharing such wisdom and precious knowledge. I'm 29 weeks pregnant with our first baby and this is so valuable. God Bless 💓
Aww congratulations on your little one ❤ So glad this was helpful.
@LilaRosePodcast Thank you and congratulations on your little girl 💗
I have immigrant parents so both of them had to work extremely hard for us to have opportunities and a great life in Canada 🇨🇦.
There's no way my father could have done everything financial by himself.
I'm really glad both my parents worked!!
We shouldn't be blaming parents but society for making child reading impossible
Glad you say this. Some people on this post are so dense. Not every family can afford to keep the wife home. It’s a difficult decision for sure
I had a tumultuous first 1.5 years with my daughter. My ex-husband was all but completely detached from us both. He left me alone at the hospital the first night after birth because he was "tired" and "uncomfortable" in the hospital chair-bed and left me alone the first night. I developed severe post-partum depression. I had a dozen stitches and was coming off of being pumped full of meds and had very little support from staff despite me being the ONLY woman who had given birth in the entire ward, but they made sure to wake me up every hour for three days for some reason. Came home severely sleep deprived, in pain, not producing any milk, absolutely zero appetite. Thank GOD I had my ex-husband's mother and sister to help me. They watched my baby overnight while I slept for the first week. They're the only reason I'm still alive, because my ex-husband surely wasn't there for me and he didn't care or understand my PPD. I was absolutely traumatized by my birth and my first week with a newborn and I don't think I ever want to have another child. Thankfully I'm with someone now who is empathetic. I still have the fear that I won't be supported if I give birth again, even with someone who WANTS (desperately) to have a child of their own. Mothers need SUPPORT. All the way through.
I find it a bit difficult to agree with "kids don't care what school they go to." I agree house, cars, vacations aren't nearly as important and I agree with making the sacrifice to be there in the early years. But going to a good school vs a bad one seems like a big deal. If she means "don't worry about an expensive prep school vs a good public or more modest private school okay" but a bad public school could have a really huge impact seems to me.
At this point the majority of public schools are terrible. Can't say for private ones. In my state barely over half the kids can read, write, or do math at grade level. Many of them are basically illiterate.
Our local school has about those same stats yet tax payers were recently forced to pay for them to build a new state of the art school building and now they're forcing us to pay for an all weather track. Like they deserve that when they are barely teaching half the kids the basics!
Public schools at this point are free childcare for parents and a chance for the government and leftist teachers unions to indoctrinate kids and destroy society from the inside.
@@whitney6641 I totally empathize with your concerns! I wish schools could prioritize their funding better. What are the rates of bullying, violence, SA, and drug use on your school district?
@DELLRS2012 I think they are actually pretty low. I know they were when I was there at least, but we are a small rural community.
I do wish we would use this information and research as a culture to help us make sound decisions on how to support children’s life, mothers with children under 5 especially and in general.
0-3 is crucially important to lay the ground work for the rest of their lives, I have fought incredibly hard for my child’s mental and physical health in her first 3 years. And I will continue to do so- even when our culture is pushing me otherwise.
We are IN this world, but we need to take off our sandals- bc we are not OF this world.
Praise God.
As a nanny with 18 years of experience I can tell you that the bonding with a baby and toddler is extremely important and special and I am ABSOLUTELY NOT going to hire a nanny until my kids go to preschool, I am not missing that special time to bond with them
I can’t tell you how validated and accomplished this podcast made me feel as a 21 year old mom with a now 6 month old baby girl. Prioritizing my babies wants and needs over my own, even though it’s hard and at times exhausting has been and will continue to be the most rewarding thing I can do as a mother.
To every mom out there, you got this girl 🫶🏻
Love Erika’s book! Such eye opening. I had my baby 6 month ago. I dropped to only working 10 hours a week. plus I sat aside for testing to getting my LCSW. Another mother recently told me that I am wasting my career by not getting my LCSW. My response to her was i can always go back to my career but I can never get my time back with my baby. I told her many women have told me they regret not having more time with their child but I never heard a woman say they regret spending time with their children. I think women need to understand the importance of being a mother. But society pushes women the importance of a career as if they can never go back. My spouse and I knew that I wanted to be a mother first and I knew that I had to do my part which was help getting financially stable. We worked to get rid of our debt and live under our means. Couples should not sacrifice their children for material items.
I debated the same. I am definitely hurting my career to stay home with my child. Some days it is very empty as I was so used to studying/reading being productive... But as difficult as can be I can get back to my science and you can go back and get your license once you are comfortable to have your child under other supervision. My husband has a very good income so I don't need to work, but I love my job and I do miss it. But my baby is the priority now. ❤ It is nice to read other moms who are experiencing the same. Thank you for sharing it.
What a great response to an abrasive and inappropriate comment. Children are such wonderful teachers and I think being fully present to them has the power to deepen our understanding of the world, and consequently enrich the work we choose to do when/if we return to it. If we aren't willing to grow in our humanity, how can we expect to grow in our careers? The maturity, wisdom, and skills we develop as mothers could be invaluable in any chosen profession.
Thank you for this interview. I have a 7 month old, and before he was born i worked a very demanding job in management. I worked for a "good" company that gives 3 months paid parental leave after FMLA exhausts so I didn't go back to work until my baby was about 5 months old. Within 2 weeks of returning to work, I realized it was not good for me, my baby, or my husband for me to work like that. I was able to drop down to part time fully remote work, and have recieved a lot of pushback on that decision both professionally and in my personal life. I am glad to be reminded that I made the right decision.
Yes, I did the same. I was in maternity leave for over a year for both my pregnancies, now I work part time, mostly from home, and my kids of 5 and 2 go to school, that is a few minute by walk from our house. My company is very supportive for parents, when I asked part time they immediately accepted and no pressure because I come back to full-time.
You got this!! ❤❤
You know what your family needs.. don't let outside pressures tell you otherwise.
You made the right decision for you and your baby!! ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
YES IT IS GOOD FOR YOUR CHILD. THE CHILD WILL THANK YOU AS AN ADULT.
I cried when I listened to this interview, because it is true. Every single word of it has a world of meaning behind it.
Speaking with a teenage girl whose mother had a home counseling practice, she expressed heartbreaking wistfulness that her mother was busy behind the door of her office throughout the day. Present, isn't necessarily available. We can be so inapproachable while being irreproachable in our own minds. Thank you for the truth that Guilt is a warning signal. It's valuable for changing direction when everything in us is crying out for help.
I come from a middle eastern country. Living in USA now, I am so surprised to see people thinking that women in muslim countries are “oppressed”.
To us, women in America are oppressed and exploited (financially & sexually). The basic rights to motherhood is so shamed here.
Do u realise that majority of these working self proclaimed independent women are working under the man ? , paying students loans debt to become the corporate slaves and the irony is they think they are smashing the patriarchy 🤣
This is a big statement 😅 We can decide if we want to work or we want to stay at home with babies…. It is called freedom. And our rights are the same as men, hence there is still some inequality, but all the fundamental rights are the same.
@@nvdolcevita1717 sure we can. But there is too much shaming around that in the Western culture
Totally agree. Western women are miserable just look at 50% divorce rate. And women are being exploited here by being forced to work instead of the men being the breadwinner. women do work in Muslim countries but they don’t have to and Islamically they keep their earnings. Husband can’t use her money. here in the us most women work take care of kids and household chores and does way more work then men.
Praying for a husband who has these values !! I’m ready to be a stay at home mom and put all my attention towards caring for my family.
I will be 40 this year, my husband and I are believing for a child. My dream has always been to be a stay at home mom, because I understand the importance of raising your children vs dropping taking them to the daycare. This conversation is such a good one. I’ve learned so much . Thank you 🙏🏽 😊
Such an important conversation. Just recently I felt frustrated and isolated and stuck as a sahm in a foreign country. And this talk helped clear my mind and gave me confidence that I am on the right path. Thank you!
I was like this for two years in Georgia 🇬🇪. It was tough emotionally but thank God.
This just reinforce how happy i am that my wife has never had a job in the 15 years since we got together. We've had businesses which ive done the bulk of any out of the home work that was required and when she DID need to it was always something that our younger children could participate in (we had a pet care business in Southern California for about 12 years). We now operate a non-profit ranch that she spends time at and our youngest of 5 kids, a 3 year old girl, gets to go with mommy and learn about all the animals or play on the playground and trampoline we have for our kids or those of visitors to the ranch....or she just plays in the dirt.
But having my wife at home has not only given us peace of mind but has helped my children develop well as she can guide their early learning and socialization especially in a manner in line with our Catholic beliefs and ideas.
It’s crazy that we have to have a professional prove with research what is common sense
Lol agree
Most people don't have the money to support the mom staying home for the first 4 years or longer if they have even more children. This isn't common sense it's a new problem. We don't live in villages anymore and we're far gone from the days of a mailman being able to support his family off of one paycheck.
@@cesarzambrano7742 my question is how does anyone afford daycare? I heard it takes a whole paycheck. What is the point then?
@@cesarzambrano7742I think most of us instinctively know the conclusion. Yes, moms should be with babies. But yeah you’re right. It’s also worth noting that the government actively disincentivizes motherhood with welfare that encourages single motherhood, extreme inflation, and the idea that we should throw money at politicians and let them be our village. I wish we still had close, little communities. I could’ve stayed home two years ago but with the insane price hikes, it’s genuinely impossible. Yes, daycare is expensive but we’ve done the math. I’ve tried freelancing and just couldn’t hack it. I don’t find myself defensive at this information, though. I did quit my former job and now work in the daycare where my kids go so I don’t have to lose even more time with them and I’m working on making that even more but I have this conversation almost on the daily with friends. Some stay home 100%. Some have husbands who make plenty and it’s fine. I don’t want my husband to be working 2 jobs so that I can do this by myself. The inflation and the societal changes are in fact a new problem and we need to be discussing it and encouraging each other and encouraging our kids.
@@cesarzambrano7742 True. I think student loan debt is a huge factor. We make it work on one small income but things are tight and we don't have any debt. I really feel for families with big financial obligations that they made before they had families. But where there is a will, there is a way! Hopefully we can help the next generation make more informed decisions instead of pushing everyone into 200k of debt before they can legally drink because they just "have to" go to college.
Beginning life with zero maternal understanding, the time spent with my children was GOLDEN. It transformed, expanded and (surprisingly) healed my heart. It is such a precious process. How sad to see little girls left clueless of the privilege we have to become mothers. God help our children to grow into people who see, care, and protect the little, vulnerable ones in their care.
So hard to hear this when you were a single mother who had to leave to work to provide her children... but it is true. Children need their mothers (and fathers) near them when they are this young ❤
Yes this is so hard because I’m a single mom now. I was a SAHM then got divorced. I have to work to provide for myself and children.
I am a young stay at home mom to a 2 year old and 6 month old baby. Raising my girls is the hardest work i have ever done. It is so intentional raising young children. It is hard sometimes when i do feel like i need a break. It is a 24/7 job. And moms do need breaks sometimes to take care of themselves. Im a better mom when i take some time for myself to take a bath, read a book, read my bible etc. I agree with alot of what she is saying. I want to be with my kids as much as possible. They go with me most everywhere i go. I wouldnt have it any other way. I enjoyed listening to this so much. I wish our culture as a whole valued family and community more. A More collective culture sounds nice to me.
When you think about the broader lifespan …the child-bearing years are SO short, especially those first few years. Like Erica suggested, the sacrifice is worth it, and so temporary. We have a 20-month-old and a baby arriving soon and I can’t even grasp how fast our toddler son has grown and matured before his 2nd birthday! So glad we are joyfully sacrificing quality of life to enrich & care for our sons. Thinking of nannying other little cuties while I raise ours to make a second income or teaching online part-time. My mom was a single mom & stayed home and nannied with me and I had a rich and fulfilling childhood, despite life’s turbulent circumstances.
When I have kids, I’m staying home. That’s a gift and privilege to raise my children and be there for my family.
My husband and I agreed long before we got married that we would prioritize me being home for our kids, and planned our lives accordingly. We bought a house based on one income and I got a job that could be family friendly once my kids are a bit older. Also I absolutely love the idea of living with other moms, even as a married mother. Being alone all day with a baby can be so stressful and isolating.
Speaking as a former nurse, now medical student and researcher, I do agree with Ms. Komisar that many mothers have lost empathy for their children, however I think, due to a biased sample of extreme cases in the Bronx, Ms. Komisar has gone onto the other extreme especially on the topic of co-sleeping. Mothers who cannot sleep for at least 5 uninterrupted hours a night for longer periods of time are at high risk for post partum depression or simply depression in general. I know stories of mothers with many children who did not sleep train their babies due to excessive empathy for their children and became suicidal. You cannot forget the mother in all this. A dead a depressed or dead mother cannot be emotionally responsive to her child. Sleep training has not been associated, to my knowledge, with emotional trauma to the child save for about 5 evenings of crying. Also, the medical profession, last I checked, DOES NOT recommend co sleeping. It is not that uncommon for a mother to turn over on her side and suffocate a baby, or for a pillow to fall onto the baby suffocating it. Babies have a high oxygen demand so it takes less time for brain damage and death. We should think about these things before we make recommendations.
I need to say something as a mother who did research on this topic. Komisar is perfectly right that sleep training is totally harmful - for the baby it is like being left to death in the middle of the forest. They are so young, do not see that much that each time they are crying it out they have kind of a death experience. And you do not have to co sleep. The recommendation for baby under 1 is to sleep in the same room, in the sleepsuck (no pillows etc.) in the crib next to mother’s bed. I did that and it is doable. And now baby (almost 2) sleeps uninterrupted for about 6 hours. And you do not need to sleep training to do that. And being in the same room also helps to avoid SIDS so you can react fast when something is off.
An important distinction to make is the difference between SIDS and and infant being suffocated by a cosleeping parent; they are very different. Instances of actual SIDS are higher among babies who sleep alone in their cribs. In instances when babies were suffocated in their parents’ bed there is almost always drug/alcohol intoxication on the part of the parent, baby is not breastfed, etc.
Co-sleeping parents who follow safe sleep practices such as breastfeeding, not being intoxicated, not using loose bedding, etc. are actually protecting their babies from SIDS and have an extremely low risk of suffocating their babies. It really explains why in cultures and countries where cosleeping and breastfeeding is the norm ( like rural indigenous communities) SIDS is not nearly the problem it tragically is here in the modern West.
Yes, a sleep deprived mother Is EXTREMELY UNSAFE and that cannot be ignored. As with everything, balance is key. I sleep trained my babies after 6 months without doing cry it out. This same baby refused to sleep in our room after 6 months and tasting nap time in his own room.
@@beans4853 what exact method of sleep training did you use? I thought that the sleep training is actually crying it out, going from shorter to longer periods of crying and it seemed cruel for me, but maybe there is a logic behind it and a way without crying it out as you said, do you recommend any particular videos about it?
@@barbaraszostak8459 sleep training is just training your baby or child to fall asleep. Crying it out is one way to do it. I didn't use a specific method, I would just keep going in when his cries changed from whiny to real crying and sometimes pat him on his back and sometimes lift him up for a bit and then put him back down and leave. Took a little longer than cry it out but usually not longer than a week. (it's not 1 and done, after every sickness you need to do a refresh)
I went down to working 20hrs after my second was born, then left all together after 2020. It’s incredibly hard transition and people think your lazy or on some type of permanent vacation but I know I needed to always be there for my kids and put them first. Thank you for this!!
Just amazing! I was born and grown in Germany, I feel constant pressure from outside as a stay at home mum even though I don't owe anyone anything and my husband and I are doing well with it. My children are 9,6 and 1 and I'm currently trying to reflect on myself again and again and to give myself the courage and confidence that I dedicate this important time to my loved ones and, to be honest, I see how healthy they are growing up in contrast to me or my brothers. We were given away early in daycare and were often alone later on because our mother always had to work as a single parent and some had psychological problems themselves.
Mrs. Komisar absolutely nailed her responses! Her confidence and deep empathy for children are truly inspiring. Listening to her leaves me feeling validated as a mother - she deserves a big hug! Kudos for coming up with such insightful questions and conducting a good interview!"
Yes, of course!!! Keep families together!!! Moms are the pillars of a house!!!
This woman seems bold and unapologetic. I appreciate that. I like to see convictions in people. May the Lord reach out to us and help us do the needful as mothers.
I chose to be a SAHM over carrer and over money. It has not been easy living on my husband's sole income, but being present in my childs' life to raise them with values and faith is most important during these dark times... thank you for this podcast! It has reassured me! ❤
You don't need to feel bad about yourself if you didn't have the ideal net support for you.
The main thing is to love your child with all your heart and educate them to be good people.
Many very good people, even saints, grew up in a less than ideal environnement. That's ok.
You don't need to be perfect.
The first encouraging word Ive seen commented on here for anyone who didn't necessarily stay at home or do things as these women say they should have done them. I have seen more disdain for women who work on here and that's not at all okay. It's actually quite defeatest to any women who work. It's like all the mothers who stayed at home can say to the working mothers "Hah...my kids are going to be better off than yours."
I live in a country that offers free daycares, via taxes. I'm home on maternity leave with my baby, and I send my toddler to daycare. He has more energy than I can handle during the day and while I'm breastfeeding I just can't take care of him properly. Am I a bad mom to make use of this daycare service, since I am home anyway? I feel guilty, but I need it for my sanity. Am I doing a disservice for my son? Will he resent me for sending him? I'm really starting to doubt myself.
@@randi4321 No. You are not a bad mother for that. Sometimes you need do what you need to do. I can relate to doing that very thing. There have been times where I had done that very thing. I can tell you that my kids who are 9 and 5 now, they are fine. Daycare isn't a bad word, unlike what they are saying in this video. You find the best people to watch your kids and do what you can do. And then when you are together, you make the time you have quality. Quality is way better than quantity. Do your best and trust that God will also be taking care of those little ones of yours. He will help you. I find it amazing that these women who consider themselves Christians will discount that God can still work and help you with kids who are in daycare. My kids are both in school now and they are very sociable, they are well mannered, and they even have better immune systems than some of the other kids because they were in daycare and around other kids. I just don't accept the premise that women who send their kids to daycare are bad moms or are ruining their kids or that their kids will grow up resenting them.
@@randi4321 no youre doing fine
@@randi4321your son will appreciate you being able to be present and more calm when he comes home from day care. Take whatever support you need including day care. You're doing just fine don't get discouraged❤ being a mum is also about taking care of yourself so you have what to give to your kids. And not about making decisions out if guilt. Not everyone is cut out to be a sahm, I'm definitely not, and it's nothing to be ashamed of, each woman knows herself and her strengths and weaknesses. I do not subscribe to this one size fits all approach to motherhood
I am so blessed that my husband wants me to be home with our children. I have to work from home but it gives me the opportunity to be extremely flexible with my schedule. As our children get older we can look at other options for earning income but for now we have what we need and thats what matters most to us.
I'm so grateful that I'm one of the lucky young women who has this knowledge BEFORE having children. I won the lottery in that I was raised by hand and homeschooled by my mom, along with my 8 other siblings, and it SHOWS in me now as an adult. I know basically no peers who are as securely attached as I am, and it affects your whole life.
I already knew I would homeschool my own children as well, because of the absolutely overwhelming evidence there is that it's better for kids, but I still listen to these types of podcasts so that I have the science and the studies to explain to other women around me, to convince them to stay home with their children as well.
I've been married for a year and a half now, and we're excited to start trying for our first child probably this year! We both want 6 or more. I can't imagine picking a more _crucial_ and meaningful vocation than being a homeschooling mom. What could be more important than keeping the birth rate above replacement in the greatest country in the world, AND raise them to be free-thinking, healthy, God-honoring, and securely attached??? Nothing is more important than that.
I worked in the infant room at a daycare. The ratio for infants 3 months to a year old was 4:1. I didn’t last long and in less than a year decided to leave daycare to become a nanny. There was always at least one baby crying. We could barely keep up with their basic survival needs and rarely had time to play with them and hold them for enjoyment or soothe their cries. It was heartbreaking every day. The toddler room was 1-2 year olds and the ratio was 6pr 8 kids (I forget exactly) to 1 adult. Many of the children had behavioral issues. I wanted to work in preschool and daycare my whole teenage life and was so excited to start working. But I quickly realized how harmful it was for children, and swore that I would never put my child in daycare and IF we did preschool my child would be 4. And that’s what we’ve done. Stay at home mom with a part time consistent nanny two days a week and daddy caring for her two days a week (4 hours each day) once I did start school and work. We sacrificed a ton to make it work. Even as a nanny I witnessed the babies and toddlers showing clear signs of attachment disorders with their mothers. Crying when I left at the end of the day, especially on a Friday. Hysterical, clinging to me at the door, not caring at all when their moms came and went. It was tragic. I also worked with an abusive head teacher at the daycare. I reported her to the owner of the facility and she was only reprimanded, which only resulted in her escalating her behavior and angry with me. It got so bad that she fought with me over a baby one day and we almost dropped her. I requested a change of classrooms that day to protect the babies. She later resigned, thankfully. She was hitting babies and neglected and verbally abused the black babies. It was all such a nightmare. I’m so glad people like Erica are speaking out about the harm of daycare and mother absence.
Thank you for reporting your experience.
I was a single mother with absolutely no support in those tender years. Not from Family or from society. I turned to looking for a man for protection and provision. I wish I could have seen I had that from God all along. I was drug around with my beautiful baby into one relationship after another until it turned into self hate and feeling like a total failure. We are all total failures without Jesus. He is the Only Way to success in life because He is Love. Turning away from Him is turning away from Love itself
Were you married or unmarried when you became a single mother?
To any unmarried women reading this:
The risks of having to raise a child on your own increases significantly when we have sex with men who are not committed to us.
Because pregnancy is inevitable when fertile people engage in the impregnation and chemical bonding process known as “sex”, we have to wait until he FORMALLY commits to caring for us and our potential child(ren) when it does. This must be done as a promise, publicly, in front of yours and his family and friends and recorded legitimately on paper as another form of public record.
If a man does not want his feelings for you publicly expressed in this formal way, he is NOT committed to you and you should NOT engage in the impregnation and chemical bonding process with him.
@@natnat8199 I Appreciate your question but definitely not your judgment. Remember, Mary was an unwed teenage Mother in a crisis Pregnancy. She could have been stoned in her culture for choosing to conceive Jesus. Would your judgments be different if I said I was pregnant from a brutal rape? No one fits into these categories the world trys to put us in. Do you judge homeless people too? Remember Jesus had no place to lay His head.
@@justice4all977She was not judging you at all; we don't even know what your circumstances were at the time, so how can she judge you then?.
She gave very sound advice to any young woman who wants to find a partner for life, that's all.
@@sug1733 yes I understand but the world does judge teenage Mothers and that judgement promotes abortion. When we see a pregnant teenage girl..we should immediately think of Mary and baby Jesus
@@natnat8199 Beautifully said..
I wish young women could understand the profoundness of your advice.
My husband and I talked about this when we were dating and it was a very important point for us both. I would be at home with the kiddos, and he would go to work. I am blessed to have a husband who saw the importance of having me at home and not putting our kids in daycare.
We are young, and one income in this economy is not easy. We make it work. That means going without in many cases in order to give our family what it needs. It is possible to be a one income family. There is a period of adjustment and a budget is 100% necessary, but knowing I get to be there for my baby when he needs me is worth not having some luxuries.
It becomes easier over time. You learn you don't need cable, or go out to eat every weekend. Really, those small things add up and when you realize that's what you were working to sustain, it is easy to drop.
Whew. Good thing we don't take one person's word for how to live. "If you sleep it's by accident" regarding the first 5 years of life.... The surest way to a mental breakdown even among the healthiest of people is lack of sleep. A mentally unwell mother cannot care for her children.
She could have said that better, sure. But she also goes to promote co-sleeping, which studies have shown actually result in the best overall sleep for everybody. I think it was more of a joke and a response to the discussion that kids should just cry it out and sleep in another room from day 1.
@@LilyAurora9Co-sleeping with is overrated. It may be harmful to the child; and it’s definitely not great for marriages. (If you know what I mean. 😉)
I am a working mom of two, a 3 month old and a 3 year old, and my husband and I are working so hard to be able to afford me staying home in the next year or so. Society has this all wrong, and I wish someone had taught me this sooner. My daughter has suffered the consequences of daycare and separation and is a very emotional little girl. The guilt motivates me day in and day out to make this change. Praying we get through our troubles and difficulties to be able to be there for her in the future and to avoid this situation. With my son.
Okay, this was so encouraging for me. I decided on my own that I would stay with my daughter as she fell asleep...and she's close to two. And I get so much backlash. I sleep with her half the time. And it's all about sleep training with people around us and I have felt concerned I was doing something wrong. I am so glad to hear this research as it's confirming that we are doing the right thing for our family. And man, in the past we have listened to people and our paediatrician when they said we needed to let her cry or that she needs her own room and I regret that...I felt like a huge jerk! And I am so glad I decided to ignore it as my daughter is thriving and I am getting more sleep this way! So...thank you!! This was jam packed with amazing info and I have shared it :)
Psssht my 4 year old still sleeps with me and the 2 year old and my husband. We couldn't be happier. I lay between the two kids and hubby lays at the foot. It's easy and natural and the kids sleep through the night.
This is also why it is important for talking with teens about parenthood and if they see getting married as part of their future. It's hard to be a stay-at-home parent, or have your spouse become one, if you have a significant amount of college debt. So, college might not even be worth it, if one wants to have kids.
Exactly. If you want to be a stay at home mom you really do need to plan it early on and make wise decisions accordingly.
@@Youareheretoo Life insurance could easily cover living expenses, childcare and tuition should it be necessary.
I went to college and learned some other skills but always planned to be a stay at home mom. My husband and I discussed this and knew we were on the same page when we were dating which is super important as well. He has life insurance so if Gd forbid something happened, we would have that and I would probably get a night work from home job. You can have your ideal and also be prepared with skills should the need arise.
@@Youareheretoomany people with college degrees aren't even employed making good money with their degrees. And your saddled with debt that if you can afford to pay off quickly just grows and grows. Not to mention college is worth less and less all the time. At this point it's mostly just woke indoctrination.
Get life insurance be responsible with your income and financial planning, and if your worried you can gain valuable skills without expensive college.
My uncle died when his 4 kids were young. His wife raised them herself in a large expensive city and continued to send them to private religious school all on her own doing childcare herself. She isn't need a college degree for that and the debt would just have been another expense.
@@Youareheretoo you are naturally building skills in childcare as well as in cleaning a home- both marketable skills if necessary. Many other avenues you could pursue. Start a small hobby business on the side. My mother makes jewelry. I know other mothers with crafting business. If you haven't yet had kids but plan to do a short time at cosmetology school and you can cut hair out of your home. If you already have kids and are homeschooling you will be building skills that could be used for tutoring or teaching small children to read.
Use your imagination. Women aren't meant to spend their lives climbing the corporate ladder. They're meant to be the heart of the home and family.
It's also possible with the loss of your husband to get by for a time and then meet another good man, remarry, and combine your family you already have with the family you build with him.
Women have many options to survive.
This is the best interview I have ever seen. I am a stay at home mother of 6 and I will cherish all the advice Erica provided. Thank you Erica for your honesty. We moms need guidance and are desperate for some direction.
I'm a SAHM and basically never take time away from my kids. Maybe an hour a day if that, and there were so many things that she said that showed me I'm doing wrong. And I'm so glad I found this because my oldest is 3, and I want to correct those wrong approaches before they cause any more damage than may have already been introduced. I don't just know how to mother, I need more guidance and episodes/podcasts like this to learn how to because my mother and stepmother were _not_ good examples for me to rely on learning from. At least not positive learning.
Amazing interview and information!!! We just pulled my son out of daycare because it felt so bizarre that HE was the one out of the home while my husband and I worked from home. Now we have a nanny and it’s SO GREAT!!!
I think it’s dangerous to distill the cause of something like ADHD to a heightened stress response in babies. I have been the sole caregiver and baby wore all of my babies up until 12 months old. They were just about within arms reach for all of their first year and I still have a child with ADHD. There are physiological factors that contribute to ADHD. We need to acknowledge that although something might be a factor in a condition it isn’t necessarily the only cause, especially when it comes to neurodivergence.
It has been studied that MOST grow out of it by age 7, and that high activity helps resolve it. I think the real concern is that we are using medications on children that make them life-long pharmaceutical slaves and we don't fully understand the permanent effects on their developing brain. My son could have easily been labeled ADHD but I worked through it with him and always kept him active. Have him structure and follow through on appropriate discipline, and he is calming down. We rush children to calm adults too quickly. Some of them just come out a little crazy and not ready to sit still.
The interview talks about 3years of being with the child , not 1
I fully agree with you! I did all these tips and followed all the gentle parenting and I still have an ADHD child. And guess what, so is her daddy. I'm sorry, but genetics should have been taken into consideration as well. I often have to ask my husband how to talk to our daughter bc I just don't understand an ADHD brain and communication needs for a child.
Not to stir the pot yet I have heard some good podcasts on the whole "ADHD" theory.
@@abigailloar956you were a good mom for working with your child and not running to get him medicated. I think some people want an easy out.
When I worked at a school, we had a boy that they considered ADHD. You could tell the days he was mediated, he was not himself. It was sad.
My husband encouraged me to stay at home with our girls and I didn’t know at the time how important that would be. Now, that they are preteens I have all these cherished moments that I would have missed in this parenting journey if I’d tried to pursue or maintain a career.
We still remember meeting this couple one time at a social party and the husband complained that his wife didn’t want to “work” anymore because she wanted to stay home with their infant son. He couldn’t see the incredible value of that for his own family. It was heartbreaking to us. And she was working so hard to make it work (being very frugal). We lost touch with this couple, but we still wonder if they are still together.
6:51 I have always felt like no one pays attention to what children need. They’re the most vulnerable in our society and are the future. I’m so glad this lady recognizes that children need a voice as well.
This was a gold and pertinent in these times of women who are trying to push and shame women in the home. I'm 24 and my mom was/is a traditional home wife. I'm blessed to have seen it, partake in it and be trained in this way to be so for my soon family. Its the Biblical order and what works best and is the BEST! Thank you for this interview!!
This is the most detailed, explained, and eye opening video I have seen on this topic. The questions Lila asked, and the focus on the “ideal” was extremely helpful. All the case scenarios that were mentioned were incredibly enlightening and I just want to go back, rewatch, and journal about the topics that intrigued me the most. Especially, the “portal to the past” I have had a reoccurrence of memories popping up in my head when I was little and my grandmother raised me. It has been so gratifying, as I remember those sweet memories I call her to say thank you for everything you did for me. She was a stay at home grandmother who raised me, and I had a positive loving experience.
It really depends. What matters the most is this. Choose the right daycare for your kids if you decide to go down that path. A good daycare will raise your child well. But you gotta be there for them when they are home. You have to teach them emotional stability and love at home. No one else can teach them that.
I work and me and husband make sure we are there for our daughter when she is with us. She is a loving, happy soul and she is ahead of her peers when it comes to language and social skills. She is 21 months now. She started day care at 10 months. It was hard at first and we only had her there for 4-6 hrs in the beginning so she can adjust well. Cried for like 2 weeks then got better at it and when we drop her off she eventually gave us flying kisses. Dont be afraid of day care. Be afraid of bad day care. And be emotionally there when the kid is with you.
You tell yourself that to cope with sending your kid to daycare.
I haven't even listened yet but this is something I've been speaking about for years. I was a childcare provider in the UK and my children didn't go to external providers because being with them was so important. We now home educate and I dont regret a day because one day they will leave and live their lives separate from me. I just want to enjoy them for as long as possible (with balance). I saw the neglect that came with going to work and leaving their children with us, I became mum (literally), they called me that. I wish more people could listen to this. PS my husband left his job to do the same. We ran a lovely childcare business and it was beautifully balanced.
Been blessed to have a stay at home wife who is also able to work. I got really sick a few years back and my wife was able to work and keep our home etc. 10 out of the 11 years I have been at work. Having my wife home has been invaluable and very practical in many ways. I truly believe my kids have benefited greatly in school, emotionally, intellectually, physically, spiritually and are thriving because of Mom being so involved in life. It’s been a true blessing to be a part of. I’m a simple truck driver and somehow its all worked out! Praise God.