This gives me hope as a non conforming person myself that it’s possible someone could have a long relationship with me. I wouldn’t say I’m non binary or even lgbt, I never rly related to that community + labels aren’t for me.I also don’t feel like a boy or a girl. Im just me and that’s it. I am autistic and I do know that we see gender differently so maybe that’s why I’m like this. But I’m so glad things are going great for u guys, Mr. purple seems like such a sweet understanding guy🤍
I identify as a straight male, albeit one with gender dysphoria -- as near as I can tell, the old-school self hate type, rather than being non-binary. Perhaps as a result of my autism, I have always been non-competitive and egalitarian, and my view of traditional alpha males is extremely critical. I think that's the root of my gender dysphoria, a sense that men are tribal, hierarchical, aggressive assholes -- some of whom did bully me as a child -- and I never wanted to be a member of that tribe. So I would offer that, if Mr. Purple is bothered by people telling him he is effeminate and/or gay, it could be for reasons not associated with internalized societal homophobia. He could be irked by the perception that all straight males have to fit a certain mold to be valid -- is being soft spoken, compassionate and thoughtful invalid for his gender identity? I sure hope not. Someone thinking I am gay really doesn't seem to trigger me in any way. I relate more to some of the gay men I know than the "guy's guys." The implication that to be a straight guy I have to be an alpha male asshole really triggers me though...because I am a straight guy, and I don't want to be like that.
Thanks for another brilliant video. I think it’s perfectly fine for Mr Purple not to want to be assumed as gay, for the same reason Ella doesn’t want to be assumed as being female and all the sexual orientation assumptions that come with it. So a different, more comfortable word needs to be found. Thanks to you both for being so candid
My pronouns are they/them however if someone misgenders me it's the same to me as someone getting my name a bit off...they made a mistake but they didn't change my name.
@@PurpleElla you are a woman, there's no such thing as non binary, stay away from us gay/lesbian we have had enough of this gender ideology cult behaviour enough is enough.
"there's a big part of me that's only ever really wanted to see you as a happy person. and, the finding out that you're autistic, getting an adhd diagnosis, and then coming out... you've blossomed into a more confident, more -- just yourself, more." --- mr. purple that is everything
Mr. Purple’s openness and acceptance is such a beautiful thing to see. 💖 What about using the term “spouse” in those situations where he doesn’t feel comfortable using “partner”?
As a Trans Guy who didn’t start my journey until I was 48, I initially had chest surgery and was going to just use they/them but I then wanted to use Testosterone and also as I have to travel through the UAE countries to get to Europe, I decided instead of an X on my passport that I would just put Male, although I don’t shy away from the parts of me that were female, I was a butch Lesbian since I was 21 and I always wanted to wear boys clothes, so I think I was just scared of going down this road, the biggest things I miss is hanging out with groups of Women, and that Women are often afraid of me on the street, in those circumstances I cross the street so I’m not walking behind a woman so that she doesn’t feel threatened, as I know what that feels like. I got diagnosed with ADHD at 55 and am waiting for an Autism diagnosis, I read a study recently in a medical journal that there is a strong correlation between Autism and gender identity stuff in the US I believe, but really interesting. I still think of myself as Queer even though I’m attracted to Women, I’m attracted to Queer women, though I lost my soulmate to cancer 2yrs ago I’m not sure if I will ever date again. I’m glad Mr Purple is such a wonderful Man and Partner/Husband/best friend, I’m happy that you both found that early on in your lives.
I relate to this so much! I came out to my husband recently! We've only been married since end of 2021! He's straight and cisgender. I'm pansexual and nonbinary/ genderfluid. My husband has been super supportive of me and who I am, so much so that I was able to then come out to my mom, who was also supportive of me. I actually don't mind being called "wife" or "daughter" but I definitely never felt like I fit the idea of being a girl or being female. I actually use all pronouns, so I don't have a preference. It's so awesome to see this kind of relationship aspects talked about because I was wondering if others experienced similar things!
We all need someone like Mr Purple in our lives, you guys give me so much joy in the way you discuss these topics together ❤ My partner knows I’m bisexual but we are in a straight relationship and I can see where the term partner can be a little sticky in business situations so I generally use the term “other half” I’m not sure if that’s more of a northern term (I’m from Yorkshire) but it’s helped me a lot with my relationships in a professional setting as I don’t have to dictate any gender and people don’t make any kind of presumptions. So for any gender using other half is quite good because it’s seen as the other half of me and I like seeing my significant other in that light ❤
I have nothing but respect and admiration for Mr Purple and for yourself. Together you are an inspiration for any parent in this crazy fantastic world and gives me warm fuzzy feelings of hope for the future. I can understand why Mr Purple may be reluctant to refer to you as his partner in a work/business environment - after all, by doing so, he is undermining his own valid identity as a straight male. This is obviously important to his own self-esteem for the simple fact that he is not gay and to give that impression to others contradicts his own view of himself.
@@Ellie-qq9zm Usually straight people say it when they are not married. People still do think gay is a strong possibility at least in my area of the Southwestern USA.
The thing is ... they're both English and they obviously live in England where partner 95% of the time still means man+woman relationship, so it's not like people are actually going to assume he's gay. The trauma from Mr. Purple's childhood is obviously deeply rooted in his psyche and very personal. It's his perception, not society's perception, that "partner" means man+man relationship. Mr. Purple needs time and effort to work on his own self to move away from the trauma toward the reality of his and Ella's relationship being nonbinary until he can be comfortable in himself being nonbinary as well. We should show him kindness and support while he makes that journey.
Sending so much love to the pair of ye and your family. Really resonated with that self-doubt and "is this one thing too much?" feeling! Thank you both for your honesty and authenticity - it is a long road, and great to hear from folks of my generation! I've been really blown away the last couple of years with friends either coming out as NB or saying they *would* come out as NB if they were younger. Wishing you all a very happy Pride month, however you choose to mark it.
I figured out that I was bi in college. That stayed stable until the last few years when I started hearing about pan. That fits me better than bi but many people my age don't know what pan is so I just say bi/pan. Then there is the whole non-binary issue. I was studying autism and thought "I am worrying about autism now" and put non-binary to the side. I got diagnosed with autism so now I can look at non-binary I guess. My boyfriend of 12 years is similar to Mr. Purple. Well, almost as open-minded. I do hate a few female words but pronouns don't usually bother me. When I cut my hair short people called me male pronouns and they don't bother me either. I don't personally like they/them pronouns though I will do my best to use them if someone else asks.
@@Catlily5There are lots of choices for pronouns, and it's totally a question of what feels right for you. There are folks who identify as gender fluid, who can switch between he/she. As Ella said, it's about what feels right and wrong to you. I hope you find your journey rewarding and it helps you to be more of yourself. x
I absolutely ADORE that you go in-depth with this topic, as it’s important to know it can go this amazingly! Absolutely love Mr. Purple for the support 💛
I can sort of relate, I self diagnose as autism. Since I was a child I never felt comfortable with my first name. When I found out what my middle name was I wished my parents or friends called me by that name but no one would. My husband had known for years, then early this year he told me "Just change it, who cares what anyone thinks." when I started the legal process I told my friends and family to start calling me by the new name. Now that it's finalized I feel complete. My husband and I have been married for 21 years so he's had a difficult time but hes getting better at calling me by my new name. Though my situation has nothing to do with pronouns I do understand the internal struggle. My user name signifies how I feel. My new name is Beatriz, i feel set free.
I have been with my significant other for 16 years but we are not married so we refer to each other as partner. Because we feel a bit silly saying boyfriend (he's 38) or girlfriend(I'm 35) at this stage. I think partner can also refer to someone you are in a long term committed relationship regardless of gender. Also you could say my other half or indeed significant other. Let people assume a way, I guarantee it will not effect you in the negative an if for some reason someone would treat you negatively than that's not someone you would not want to associate with as they are cleary bigoted. An its not like you will be mentioning you have a partner to random strangers on the street.
Purple Ella, thank you for sharing this video. My upbringing was conservative and I really didn’t understand the concept of nonbinary other than hearing people emotionally having a difficult time dealing with non-acceptance if their identity. Over time I’m learning more about this understanding, but watching you explain going through this change yourself really helps! You really do look more comfortable in your own skin and that is welcoming to witness.
I know this isn't the main point of the vid but there's no internalized homophobia in not wanting to be perceived as gay if you're not. Like that is the same thing as you not wanting to be perceived as a woman.
You know since we had this discussion I’ve come to the same conclusion - in conversational videos sometimes I learn things by mulling over after the video which means I no longer feel what I said which is tricky.
You two are relationship goals. We seem to feel similarly about prounouns. If I'm being respected as autistic I don't care if people think I'm a man a woman or a duck, the usual assumption is women because I'm very small and fem and I still say I'm a lesbian because it's just quicker. I have in the back of my head that going by they them might feel nicer but it sounds like a lot of work to inforce that
You guys are amazing 💙💙 I feel like what Mr purple is saying about people telling him who he was from being young into adult life because of different facets of himself, is almost similar to people telling you that you are a girl/woman/female. It's uncomfortable, because it's not who either of you are, not because being either of those things isn't ok. It's almost a similar situation for you both, but from different perspectives. You've both repeatedly been told who you are by other people.
Good video Ella! You were one of the first women with autism videos I watched. I am 48. I have since been diagnosed with autism. I have a supportive boyfriend who has some similarities to Mr. Purple. I am pretty sure that I am non-binary too.
Very interesting conversation, thank you. My feelings towards my gender identity are a bit...I don't know...I just don't care about my gender at all. Male doesn't feel right, female doesn't feel right, but I don't think any other option would feel better. I think I'm probably okay just not caring about this...for now. I've always called my partner 'partner' by the way and it never occured to me that people could think I am gay...woops! Maybe you could talk about what coming out (to yourself) has changed for you (internally), or is there a video on that already?
This is lovely! Thank you both for sharing this part of your story and relationship! I'm recently exploring and discussing gender with my spouse a lot. It's spooky to say "I'm not the gender I thought I was or that I thought I ought to have been when you met me." I appreciate this conversation so much! 🤟🏻🌈 Happy pride! From a 32 year old newly realized queerdo ❤ Both in gender and sexuality. Unlearning the messaging of my youth that didn't make room for my expressions will be a lifelong practice. And YES! I've also been thinking lately they/she/he is what truly suits me best haha!
Interesting to see other people's views on these topics, and your husband worried about being thought of as gay if he called you his partner. As a fifty-odd year old, I called my ex "partner" rather than "girlfriend" because I felt "girlfriend" at my age may indicate a younger and less permanent partner. "Partner" sounds to me to be more like we belonged together, or were a couple. Though I guess we didn't belong together or we would still be together ;-) New subscriber, here, your channel was mentioned in an Autism meeting in Wales 🙂
Thank you for this video. I have a child that came out is non-binary last year. I am still having difficulty with the pronouns. My child is biologically a female, but now wishes the they he pronouns as a mother this is hard for me. My child also changed their name. I want to except them for who they are but I feel like I’ve lost part of my child that I’m never going to get back maybe that’s selfish, but that’s some thing I’m trying to work through while still loving my child, I hope you understand. Thank you for this video.
I can understand how you might feel you've lost a part of them. But on the bright side, they've gained a bit more understanding about their true self, so you've gained a new lovely thing about your child as well🤍
@@angiecarlson7677 no problem! It's a gift that your child even feels comfortable sharing these things with you- some parents don't earn that chance! You must be doing something right, so keep going 👍🏾
last month I came out as non-binary to my partner, cis man who identified as straight. he said “well I guess I’m not straight then”. a couple of days ago we’ve had our 4 anniversary. 🥰❤️
Thank you so much for sharing in such an open and honest way, you are an awesome couple 💜 it’s quite a complex road to travel to ensure both your identities are positively validated especially in a world where respect for anyone who doesn’t fit the so called norms of society is still severely lacking. No one should be forced into an identity box just to make other people comfortable
Labels are weird things to try to place on myself. They come from outside not my intrinsic inside. I will say I’m non binary now only because that’s the closest available option, I wish that autigender would catch on as much as non binary is doing. I don’t relate to calling myself trans because I have never felt any different, I have always felt this way, so it feels wrong to think of myself as having changed or transitioned from one state to another. For reasons that follow on from that previous statement, I don’t feel totally comfortable with calling myself afab (although there can be specific times I might need to use that term), because as far as I’m concerned I was born the way I am and I have never changed regardless of what anyone else has ever seen me as or described or assigned me as. In a way, this all almost makes me cis gender in that I am content with the way that I was born and have never sought to change anything, however that would mean that everyone would see me as female/ a girl, or heaven forbid a woman (can’t relate to that at all). So given the option and the opportunity, I would say autigender because that transcends all the labels regarding gender that for me personally are completely irrelevant.
I think it’s important too that people understand that there is a difference between sex and gender. Sex is biological, sex has to do with your chromosomes your genitalia etc. And gender is more about how you see yourself.
Third person pronouns aren't about how you see yourself though. Third person pronouns (and othered gendered language) are about how other people see you. She married him as his wife. That's the contract they agreed into when they got married. If she no longer considers herself his wife, or even a woman that he's in a relationship with, he wouldn't be a bad person by any means if it made him question whether or not to stay in the relationship. He's not her parent, and she's not a child, unconditional love and acceptance are not something that is owed in an elective relationship between two adults.
The ethical non-monogamy community has things to say about making assumptions about the word partner too. How fascinating! Lots of gender inclusion and ND affirmation in that group
@@Catlily5 yep exactly that. As a kid I played with the boys climbing trees and drain pipes lol. And now I still prefer trousers and shorts to skirts and dresses
Thank you both for such insightful thoughts! Mr. Purple really does have a point about the diversity already present in humans. If we can already be a variety of races, from an endless amount of cultures, with endless variety in genotype and phenotype.... why WOULD we be limited to just two options for gender? It does seem to stand out in a weird way if I think about it.
The "they" pronoun just is hard. Especially if you are not used to hearing it used exclusively often. It just takes the brain longer to process how to say a sentence while avoiding gendered language.
As an Aspie, I’ve never felt comfortable with gender stereotypes but creating new labels for each persons specific personal feeling doesn’t sit right with me either I’m a man but don’t like the stereotypical “manly” things. I’m straight, but also questioned that in my youth. I have other family members with ADHD that have come out as gay and lesbian so it almost feels inherent that all of us on the spectrum don’t fit in with the usual stereotypes for male and female. “Non-binary” almost sounds like a way to define how I’ve existed through my entire life but I simply don’t like the term, after all, don’t a large portion of adolescents and young adults fit the “non-binary” criteria? Saying something like “you’re not a girl anymore” just seems silly. Of course you’re a girl/woman. You just don’t fit the old stereotypes of what women and girls had to fit into 50-100 years ago. I thought we had pushed past all of those stereotypes 30+ years ago. That’s the way I was raised at least. Not sure why all these new labels are popping up now.
@@Catlily5 Every man and woman I've ever known has had traits from both genders. That still didn't make them anything different to their biological sex. Is there really such a thing as a man without any feminine traits or vice versa? I've never met one.
@@kfdan42 You are correct that there is not a man without feminine traits or vice versa. However you were probably the type of kid who would have bullied girls in middle school for being a tomboy and are obviously now bothering people you don't even know on the internet about their gender identity.
You really are pushing the boundaries of your relationship. Take good care of this lovely man. And I don't understand why we need a non-binary category just because people don't fit in with outdated gender roles and expectations. Can't we just expand what is "normal" for those two genders to look like or to be? I never felt comfortable as a girl, and if someone would ask me when I was a kid I surely would say that I wanted to be a boy, but now as a neurodivergent woman, mother and wife I learned that I don't have to live up to some expectations on how a woman should be. I don't give a sheet about what people think, I look like a tomboy and a metalhead, I am a cool mom who plays the drums in a band, but I am proud of being able to love my husband, my boy and my male partner (We are in a closed ethical non-monogamous relationship) with the warmth and care of a female soul. I am a person, not a gender.
Being a person and not a gender sounds very non binary to me. I am proud to be non binary but I don't mind if people still call me a man. They don't get it? Fine, no big deal to me. If people do get it that's awesome. I'm non binary not a "not-man."
What seems wrong to me in this comment is the assumption that Ella is pushing the boundaries or that they're not taking care of their husband because of their non-bindary identity. No-one should have to pretend to be something that they're not to keep their partner comfortable; although he seems to be fine with it. Also, if it's that meaningless to identify as non-binary, then why would it be a problem, even with your logic?
Thank you so much for your honesty in this video. How wonderfully blessed you are having Mr Purple... I would love to be able to have a non judgemental question and answer session on this topic but know full well if I express any opinions or questions the trolls will attack 😢...
I would think that the pronoun shift to 'they/them' might be a grammatical challenge. For me, it is the fact that it goes against the grammatical rules I learned that makes it difficult for me to use as a single pronoun. Mr Purple's feelings about not wanting to be misidentified as gay seems to me to be no different from someone not wanting to be identified as male or female. None of us want to be assumed to be something we are not when it is integral to our feelings of identity.
I know trans people who are very upset with their spouses for continuing to identify as heterosexual after the trans partner comes out to them. I am not sure where the right side of that issue lies yet.
@@Catlily5 I can't speak to trans relationships, but my wife disclosed many years ago that she was bisexual, and in that situation it didn't feel like it changed anything for me or about me. Given my gender dysphoria, which is largely rooted in some -- I had to look this up, I guess the word is misandry? -- I sometimes have felt that, given her options, she might have been better off with a woman for a partner, though she points out that women can be jerks too. In light of all that, I suppose I should have wished I could be a female in a lesbian relationship with her. That's the thing about gender identity, though: I've concluded I am a heterosexual male, even if I don't really like being a man. So I can see how expecting a spouse to adjust their own gender identity in response to a person coming out as trans could be asking a fair bit. It's probably natural for some spouses and not for others, depending on their own gender identity. I can see how those feelings arise, though: one of the things that makes relationships tricky is that a person's partner becomes part of their own self-identity. Navigating how each partner can meet the other's needs while getting their own met is no easy task, and it's something I am frankly pretty bad at.
Counter-point to the "why does it matter if people think you're gay" thing: Why does it matter if people think you're a different gender? It's okay for someone to be seen the same way they see themselves, even if there's nothing wrong with the alternative.
Just because you are not comfortable as a woman doesnt mean you arent one. You are a woman I am sorry. It is sad we cannot escape what we are. What you see as a woman that makes you uncomfortable is the stereotype. There are so many different kinds of women ... This whole thing is ridiculous. I am a woman that has always wished I was a guy. No wishing will ever change what I am. I cannot escape it nor do I want to. I am not LGBT ... I just like guys and they seem to have more fun ... I cant change what I am. It. Is. Not. Possible.
i feel you so much with this feeling of being “too much” in a relationship.😭🫂 luckily we both have best partners ever, it’s just a blessing to have loving and accepting people aroung. ❤
Everybody needs a partner, or friend, like Mr. Purple! I'm so happy for you both.
This gives me hope as a non conforming person myself that it’s possible someone could have a long relationship with me. I wouldn’t say I’m non binary or even lgbt, I never rly related to that community + labels aren’t for me.I also don’t feel like a boy or a girl. Im just me and that’s it. I am autistic and I do know that we see gender differently so maybe that’s why I’m like this. But I’m so glad things are going great for u guys, Mr. purple seems like such a sweet understanding guy🤍
autigender
I identify as a straight male, albeit one with gender dysphoria -- as near as I can tell, the old-school self hate type, rather than being non-binary. Perhaps as a result of my autism, I have always been non-competitive and egalitarian, and my view of traditional alpha males is extremely critical. I think that's the root of my gender dysphoria, a sense that men are tribal, hierarchical, aggressive assholes -- some of whom did bully me as a child -- and I never wanted to be a member of that tribe.
So I would offer that, if Mr. Purple is bothered by people telling him he is effeminate and/or gay, it could be for reasons not associated with internalized societal homophobia. He could be irked by the perception that all straight males have to fit a certain mold to be valid -- is being soft spoken, compassionate and thoughtful invalid for his gender identity? I sure hope not.
Someone thinking I am gay really doesn't seem to trigger me in any way. I relate more to some of the gay men I know than the "guy's guys." The implication that to be a straight guy I have to be an alpha male asshole really triggers me though...because I am a straight guy, and I don't want to be like that.
Spouse is a descriptor we use in our relationship. I've never really liked partner because I'm not in business with him
Happy pride month 🖤🤍💜💛
Thank you 😊
Thanks for another brilliant video. I think it’s perfectly fine for Mr Purple not to want to be assumed as gay, for the same reason Ella doesn’t want to be assumed as being female and all the sexual orientation assumptions that come with it. So a different, more comfortable word needs to be found. Thanks to you both for being so candid
My pronouns are they/them however if someone misgenders me it's the same to me as someone getting my name a bit off...they made a mistake but they didn't change my name.
Happy Pride from a fellow nonbinary person, thank you both for sharing your thoughts and experiences!!! 🖤🖤🖤
Thank you 😊
@@PurpleElla you are a woman, there's no such thing as non binary, stay away from us gay/lesbian we have had enough of this gender ideology cult behaviour enough is enough.
"there's a big part of me that's only ever really wanted to see you as a happy person. and, the finding out that you're autistic, getting an adhd diagnosis, and then coming out... you've blossomed into a more confident, more -- just yourself, more." --- mr. purple
that is everything
Your husband is so clued up emotionally
Mr. Purple’s openness and acceptance is such a beautiful thing to see. 💖
What about using the term “spouse” in those situations where he doesn’t feel comfortable using “partner”?
As a Trans Guy who didn’t start my journey until I was 48, I initially had chest surgery and was going to just use they/them but I then wanted to use Testosterone and also as I have to travel through the UAE countries to get to Europe, I decided instead of an X on my passport that I would just put Male, although I don’t shy away from the parts of me that were female, I was a butch Lesbian since I was 21 and I always wanted to wear boys clothes, so I think I was just scared of going down this road, the biggest things I miss is hanging out with groups of Women, and that Women are often afraid of me on the street, in those circumstances I cross the street so I’m not walking behind a woman so that she doesn’t feel threatened, as I know what that feels like. I got diagnosed with ADHD at 55 and am waiting for an Autism diagnosis, I read a study recently in a medical journal that there is a strong correlation between Autism and gender identity stuff in the US I believe, but really interesting. I still think of myself as Queer even though I’m attracted to Women, I’m attracted to Queer women, though I lost my soulmate to cancer 2yrs ago I’m not sure if I will ever date again. I’m glad Mr Purple is such a wonderful Man and Partner/Husband/best friend, I’m happy that you both found that early on in your lives.
I relate to this so much! I came out to my husband recently! We've only been married since end of 2021! He's straight and cisgender. I'm pansexual and nonbinary/ genderfluid. My husband has been super supportive of me and who I am, so much so that I was able to then come out to my mom, who was also supportive of me. I actually don't mind being called "wife" or "daughter" but I definitely never felt like I fit the idea of being a girl or being female. I actually use all pronouns, so I don't have a preference. It's so awesome to see this kind of relationship aspects talked about because I was wondering if others experienced similar things!
so a woman
We all need someone like Mr Purple in our lives, you guys give me so much joy in the way you discuss these topics together ❤
My partner knows I’m bisexual but we are in a straight relationship and I can see where the term partner can be a little sticky in business situations so I generally use the term “other half” I’m not sure if that’s more of a northern term (I’m from Yorkshire) but it’s helped me a lot with my relationships in a professional setting as I don’t have to dictate any gender and people don’t make any kind of presumptions. So for any gender using other half is quite good because it’s seen as the other half of me and I like seeing my significant other in that light ❤
I have nothing but respect and admiration for Mr Purple and for yourself. Together you are an inspiration for any parent in this crazy fantastic world and gives me warm fuzzy feelings of hope for the future.
I can understand why Mr Purple may be reluctant to refer to you as his partner in a work/business environment - after all, by doing so, he is undermining his own valid identity as a straight male. This is obviously important to his own self-esteem for the simple fact that he is not gay and to give that impression to others contradicts his own view of himself.
Plenty of “straight” couples are also using the word “partner” these days, I don’t see how the word undermines anyone.
@@Ellie-qq9zm Usually straight people say it when they are not married. People still do think gay is a strong possibility at least in my area of the Southwestern USA.
The thing is ... they're both English and they obviously live in England where partner 95% of the time still means man+woman relationship, so it's not like people are actually going to assume he's gay. The trauma from Mr. Purple's childhood is obviously deeply rooted in his psyche and very personal. It's his perception, not society's perception, that "partner" means man+man relationship. Mr. Purple needs time and effort to work on his own self to move away from the trauma toward the reality of his and Ella's relationship being nonbinary until he can be comfortable in himself being nonbinary as well. We should show him kindness and support while he makes that journey.
This is a beautiful and very helpful conversation! I love the support and communication between you two ❤
Sending so much love to the pair of ye and your family. Really resonated with that self-doubt and "is this one thing too much?" feeling! Thank you both for your honesty and authenticity - it is a long road, and great to hear from folks of my generation! I've been really blown away the last couple of years with friends either coming out as NB or saying they *would* come out as NB if they were younger. Wishing you all a very happy Pride month, however you choose to mark it.
I figured out that I was bi in college. That stayed stable until the last few years when I started hearing about pan. That fits me better than bi but many people my age don't know what pan is so I just say bi/pan. Then there is the whole non-binary issue. I was studying autism and thought "I am worrying about autism now" and put non-binary to the side. I got diagnosed with autism so now I can look at non-binary I guess.
My boyfriend of 12 years is similar to Mr. Purple. Well, almost as open-minded.
I do hate a few female words but pronouns don't usually bother me. When I cut my hair short people called me male pronouns and they don't bother me either. I don't personally like they/them pronouns though I will do my best to use them if someone else asks.
@@Catlily5There are lots of choices for pronouns, and it's totally a question of what feels right for you. There are folks who identify as gender fluid, who can switch between he/she. As Ella said, it's about what feels right and wrong to you. I hope you find your journey rewarding and it helps you to be more of yourself. x
@@YourQueerGreatAuntie Thanks!
I absolutely ADORE that you go in-depth with this topic, as it’s important to know it can go this amazingly! Absolutely love Mr. Purple for the support 💛
Everyone needs to feel free and safe to be their true and authentic selves.
I can sort of relate, I self diagnose as autism. Since I was a child I never felt comfortable with my first name. When I found out what my middle name was I wished my parents or friends called me by that name but no one would. My husband had known for years, then early this year he told me "Just change it, who cares what anyone thinks." when I started the legal process I told my friends and family to start calling me by the new name. Now that it's finalized I feel complete.
My husband and I have been married for 21 years so he's had a difficult time but hes getting better at calling me by my new name.
Though my situation has nothing to do with pronouns I do understand the internal struggle.
My user name signifies how I feel. My new name is Beatriz, i feel set free.
Hello Beatriz 😊
Welcome, Beatriz.
I have been with my significant other for 16 years but we are not married so we refer to each other as partner. Because we feel a bit silly saying boyfriend (he's 38) or girlfriend(I'm 35) at this stage. I think partner can also refer to someone you are in a long term committed relationship regardless of gender. Also you could say my other half or indeed significant other. Let people assume a way, I guarantee it will not effect you in the negative an if for some reason someone would treat you negatively than that's not someone you would not want to associate with as they are cleary bigoted. An its not like you will be mentioning you have a partner to random strangers on the street.
Purple Ella, thank you for sharing this video. My upbringing was conservative and I really didn’t understand the concept of nonbinary other than hearing people emotionally having a difficult time dealing with non-acceptance if their identity. Over time I’m learning more about this understanding, but watching you explain going through this change yourself really helps! You really do look more comfortable in your own skin and that is welcoming to witness.
I know this isn't the main point of the vid but there's no internalized homophobia in not wanting to be perceived as gay if you're not. Like that is the same thing as you not wanting to be perceived as a woman.
You know since we had this discussion I’ve come to the same conclusion - in conversational videos sometimes I learn things by mulling over after the video which means I no longer feel what I said which is tricky.
That is just growing as a human being. It is natural to change our minds sometimes.
I'm glad you have a supportive partner!🌈
You two are relationship goals. We seem to feel similarly about prounouns. If I'm being respected as autistic I don't care if people think I'm a man a woman or a duck, the usual assumption is women because I'm very small and fem and I still say I'm a lesbian because it's just quicker. I have in the back of my head that going by they them might feel nicer but it sounds like a lot of work to inforce that
How would you feel about using the term "spouse" instead of partner?
You guys are amazing 💙💙
I feel like what Mr purple is saying about people telling him who he was from being young into adult life because of different facets of himself, is almost similar to people telling you that you are a girl/woman/female. It's uncomfortable, because it's not who either of you are, not because being either of those things isn't ok. It's almost a similar situation for you both, but from different perspectives. You've both repeatedly been told who you are by other people.
From one Non-Binary individual with dyspraxia to another: Happy Pride, and thank you for being yourself.
This was so lovely. Thank you Ella and Mr. Purple for sharing your story.
Good video Ella! You were one of the first women with autism videos I watched. I am 48. I have since been diagnosed with autism. I have a supportive boyfriend who has some similarities to Mr. Purple.
I am pretty sure that I am non-binary too.
This conversation made me feel really emotional! Thank you x
How does this not have a million likes? Love this video, love this channel!
Very interesting conversation, thank you. My feelings towards my gender identity are a bit...I don't know...I just don't care about my gender at all. Male doesn't feel right, female doesn't feel right, but I don't think any other option would feel better. I think I'm probably okay just not caring about this...for now. I've always called my partner 'partner' by the way and it never occured to me that people could think I am gay...woops! Maybe you could talk about what coming out (to yourself) has changed for you (internally), or is there a video on that already?
♡ consideration and respect. Lovely humans. ☆
Marvellous Mister Purple!!💖
Your grace and peace are the most important thing. Do what you need to do. Blessings.
This is lovely! Thank you both for sharing this part of your story and relationship! I'm recently exploring and discussing gender with my spouse a lot. It's spooky to say "I'm not the gender I thought I was or that I thought I ought to have been when you met me." I appreciate this conversation so much! 🤟🏻🌈 Happy pride! From a 32 year old newly realized queerdo ❤ Both in gender and sexuality. Unlearning the messaging of my youth that didn't make room for my expressions will be a lifelong practice. And YES! I've also been thinking lately they/she/he is what truly suits me best haha!
Interesting to see other people's views on these topics, and your husband worried about being thought of as gay if he called you his partner. As a fifty-odd year old, I called my ex "partner" rather than "girlfriend" because I felt "girlfriend" at my age may indicate a younger and less permanent partner. "Partner" sounds to me to be more like we belonged together, or were a couple. Though I guess we didn't belong together or we would still be together ;-) New subscriber, here, your channel was mentioned in an Autism meeting in Wales 🙂
Thank you for this video. I have a child that came out is non-binary last year. I am still having difficulty with the pronouns. My child is biologically a female, but now wishes the they he pronouns as a mother this is hard for me. My child also changed their name. I want to except them for who they are but I feel like I’ve lost part of my child that I’m never going to get back maybe that’s selfish, but that’s some thing I’m trying to work through while still loving my child, I hope you understand. Thank you for this video.
I can understand how you might feel you've lost a part of them. But on the bright side, they've gained a bit more understanding about their true self, so you've gained a new lovely thing about your child as well🤍
@@kkuudandere thank you for the kind words!
@@angiecarlson7677 no problem! It's a gift that your child even feels comfortable sharing these things with you- some parents don't earn that chance! You must be doing something right, so keep going 👍🏾
You’re doing wonderfully.
Your daughter has been captured by a social contagion, an insidious cult, that will totally consume not her life, but yours, for the worse.
Ella, glad you are feeling more and more like yourself!
I really appreciate this video! You are both so caring and vulnerable! Thank you! ❤
last month I came out as non-binary to my partner, cis man who identified as straight. he said “well I guess I’m not straight then”. a couple of days ago we’ve had our 4 anniversary. 🥰❤️
It's always the instant Nonbinary click!!! hell yeah
Thanks for having these open honest conversations. They benefit all of us.
Glad to see you feeling better and more confident, and it's always a special treat when Mr.P joins for the video. Best regards to both of you.
You both have a beautiful partnership that I can only hope to experience one day!
Ella, im so sorry that you received such vitriol from people. You are awesome, remember that. 💜
Mr Purple seems wonderful!
I prefer just to call people by their names.
Thank you so much for sharing in such an open and honest way, you are an awesome couple 💜 it’s quite a complex road to travel to ensure both your identities are positively validated especially in a world where respect for anyone who doesn’t fit the so called norms of society is still severely lacking. No one should be forced into an identity box just to make other people comfortable
Your husband is so patient and loving 💔
Labels are weird things to try to place on myself. They come from outside not my intrinsic inside. I will say I’m non binary now only because that’s the closest available option, I wish that autigender would catch on as much as non binary is doing. I don’t relate to calling myself trans because I have never felt any different, I have always felt this way, so it feels wrong to think of myself as having changed or transitioned from one state to another. For reasons that follow on from that previous statement, I don’t feel totally comfortable with calling myself afab (although there can be specific times I might need to use that term), because as far as I’m concerned I was born the way I am and I have never changed regardless of what anyone else has ever seen me as or described or assigned me as. In a way, this all almost makes me cis gender in that I am content with the way that I was born and have never sought to change anything, however that would mean that everyone would see me as female/ a girl, or heaven forbid a woman (can’t relate to that at all). So given the option and the opportunity, I would say autigender because that transcends all the labels regarding gender that for me personally are completely irrelevant.
You did well Ella
I think it’s important too that people understand that there is a difference between sex and gender. Sex is biological, sex has to do with your chromosomes your genitalia etc. And gender is more about how you see yourself.
Third person pronouns aren't about how you see yourself though. Third person pronouns (and othered gendered language) are about how other people see you. She married him as his wife. That's the contract they agreed into when they got married. If she no longer considers herself his wife, or even a woman that he's in a relationship with, he wouldn't be a bad person by any means if it made him question whether or not to stay in the relationship. He's not her parent, and she's not a child, unconditional love and acceptance are not something that is owed in an elective relationship between two adults.
I have such an urge to love someone unconditionally in a romantic way right now
The ethical non-monogamy community has things to say about making assumptions about the word partner too. How fascinating! Lots of gender inclusion and ND affirmation in that group
This was very interesting. Thanks.
I have recently been thinking I am possibly non binary although I need to look into this because I’ve felt wrong my entire life.
Very best of luck on your journey, wherever it takes you x
@@YourQueerGreatAuntie thank you
@@YourQueerGreatAuntie thank you x
I always just felt like a partially masculine woman.
@@Catlily5 yep exactly that. As a kid I played with the boys climbing trees and drain pipes lol. And now I still prefer trousers and shorts to skirts and dresses
Thank you both for such insightful thoughts! Mr. Purple really does have a point about the diversity already present in humans. If we can already be a variety of races, from an endless amount of cultures, with endless variety in genotype and phenotype.... why WOULD we be limited to just two options for gender? It does seem to stand out in a weird way if I think about it.
Lovely video, Ella….Your Mr.Purple is most impressive…
Thank you for all you do, Purple People. Just a thought: would the word 'spouse' work better for you both than 'partner'?
Good question!
We need more people like Mr Purple who are willing to learn and grow when they are met with new information. ❤
Thank y’all for sharing! Much love to the purple family
The "they" pronoun just is hard. Especially if you are not used to hearing it used exclusively often. It just takes the brain longer to process how to say a sentence while avoiding gendered language.
You're a woman, and you will always be one.
Happy pride month, I am non binary as well, she/they 😊
As an Aspie, I’ve never felt comfortable with gender stereotypes but creating new labels for each persons specific personal feeling doesn’t sit right with me either
I’m a man but don’t like the stereotypical “manly” things.
I’m straight, but also questioned that in my youth.
I have other family members with ADHD that have come out as gay and lesbian so it almost feels inherent that all of us on the spectrum don’t fit in with the usual stereotypes for male and female.
“Non-binary” almost sounds like a way to define how I’ve existed through my entire life but I simply don’t like the term, after all, don’t a large portion of adolescents and young adults fit the “non-binary” criteria?
Saying something like “you’re not a girl anymore” just seems silly. Of course you’re a girl/woman. You just don’t fit the old stereotypes of what women and girls had to fit into 50-100 years ago.
I thought we had pushed past all of those stereotypes 30+ years ago. That’s the way I was raised at least. Not sure why all these new labels are popping up now.
For many it also dives into a complicated relationship with their bodies, at least it does for me.
For me it would be saying I am feminine AND masculine.
@@Catlily5 Every man and woman I've ever known has had traits from both genders. That still didn't make them anything different to their biological sex.
Is there really such a thing as a man without any feminine traits or vice versa? I've never met one.
@@kfdan42 You are correct that there is not a man without feminine traits or vice versa. However you were probably the type of kid who would have bullied girls in middle school for being a tomboy and are obviously now bothering people you don't even know on the internet about their gender identity.
@@kfdan42It's a postmodernist cult for autistics, narcissists and AGPs.
❤
💜
You really are pushing the boundaries of your relationship. Take good care of this lovely man. And I don't understand why we need a non-binary category just because people don't fit in with outdated gender roles and expectations. Can't we just expand what is "normal" for those two genders to look like or to be? I never felt comfortable as a girl, and if someone would ask me when I was a kid I surely would say that I wanted to be a boy, but now as a neurodivergent woman, mother and wife I learned that I don't have to live up to some expectations on how a woman should be. I don't give a sheet about what people think, I look like a tomboy and a metalhead, I am a cool mom who plays the drums in a band, but I am proud of being able to love my husband, my boy and my male partner (We are in a closed ethical non-monogamous relationship) with the warmth and care of a female soul. I am a person, not a gender.
Being a person and not a gender sounds very non binary to me. I am proud to be non binary but I don't mind if people still call me a man. They don't get it? Fine, no big deal to me. If people do get it that's awesome. I'm non binary not a "not-man."
What seems wrong to me in this comment is the assumption that Ella is pushing the boundaries or that they're not taking care of their husband because of their non-bindary identity. No-one should have to pretend to be something that they're not to keep their partner comfortable; although he seems to be fine with it. Also, if it's that meaningless to identify as non-binary, then why would it be a problem, even with your logic?
I love this so much ❤
Give your head a wobble, Christie.
I'm nonbinary and autistic
What a coincidence.
Thank you so much for your honesty in this video. How wonderfully blessed you are having Mr Purple... I would love to be able to have a non judgemental question and answer session on this topic but know full well if I express any opinions or questions the trolls will attack 😢...
I would think that the pronoun shift to 'they/them' might be a grammatical challenge. For me, it is the fact that it goes against the grammatical rules I learned that makes it difficult for me to use as a single pronoun.
Mr Purple's feelings about not wanting to be misidentified as gay seems to me to be no different from someone not wanting to be identified as male or female. None of us want to be assumed to be something we are not when it is integral to our feelings of identity.
Thanks!
Thank you 😊
I know trans people who are very upset with their spouses for continuing to identify as heterosexual after the trans partner comes out to them. I am not sure where the right side of that issue lies yet.
If your body still presents as the same sex as previous maybe they are straight?
@@Catlily5 I can't speak to trans relationships, but my wife disclosed many years ago that she was bisexual, and in that situation it didn't feel like it changed anything for me or about me. Given my gender dysphoria, which is largely rooted in some -- I had to look this up, I guess the word is misandry? -- I sometimes have felt that, given her options, she might have been better off with a woman for a partner, though she points out that women can be jerks too. In light of all that, I suppose I should have wished I could be a female in a lesbian relationship with her. That's the thing about gender identity, though: I've concluded I am a heterosexual male, even if I don't really like being a man.
So I can see how expecting a spouse to adjust their own gender identity in response to a person coming out as trans could be asking a fair bit. It's probably natural for some spouses and not for others, depending on their own gender identity. I can see how those feelings arise, though: one of the things that makes relationships tricky is that a person's partner becomes part of their own self-identity. Navigating how each partner can meet the other's needs while getting their own met is no easy task, and it's something I am frankly pretty bad at.
@@jimwilliams3816 It sounds complicated. I agree with you that communication is key
Trans-narcissists.
What is non binary ? Can someone explain it as basic as possible please
Ok so I’m going to use color to kinda explain.
So boys are 💙 and girls are 💗 well enbies are 💜
They are the grey between black and white
@@Huh9631 thank u 😊
Counter-point to the "why does it matter if people think you're gay" thing: Why does it matter if people think you're a different gender? It's okay for someone to be seen the same way they see themselves, even if there's nothing wrong with the alternative.
That poor man.
Just because you are not comfortable as a woman doesnt mean you arent one. You are a woman I am sorry. It is sad we cannot escape what we are. What you see as a woman that makes you uncomfortable is the stereotype. There are so many different kinds of women ... This whole thing is ridiculous. I am a woman that has always wished I was a guy. No wishing will ever change what I am. I cannot escape it nor do I want to. I am not LGBT ... I just like guys and they seem to have more fun ... I cant change what I am. It. Is. Not. Possible.
i feel you so much with this feeling of being “too much” in a relationship.😭🫂
luckily we both have best partners ever, it’s just a blessing to have loving and accepting people aroung. ❤