Finding (and Keeping) Your Ideal Relationship | Dr. Rick Hanson, Being Well Podcast
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 8 มิ.ย. 2024
- Dr. @RickHanson and I explore what traits to look for in a potential partner, and how to navigate early sticking points. We discuss life growth curves, how to manage early conflict, healthy approaches for dealing with rejection, and how to support those still navigating a difficult search.
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Timestamps:
0:00 Introduction
1:50 Basic green and red flags to look for in a partner
8:00 Pursuer-distancer dynamic
8:50 Shared growth curves--relationship as a process, not a person
12:15 Riding the river of practical daily life
19:05 Someone who brings out the best parts of you
25:15 Different kinds of romantic relationships
27:50 Rejection and feeling wanted
29:45 Asymmetry and power dynamics
33:50 Agency within the pain of rejection
39:30 Recognizing self worth
44:30 Managing early conflict
51:30 The struggle to find a prospective partner
59:35 Recap
Who Am I: I'm Forrest, the co-author of Resilient (amzn.to/3iXLerD) and host of the Being Well Podcast (apple.co/38ufGG0). I'm making videos focused on simplifying psychology, mental health, and personal growth.
You can follow me here:
🎤 apple.co/38ufGG0
🌍 www.forresthanson.com
📸 / f.hanson
I knew my marriage of about 16 years was over when I realized my ex husband would not be able to handle things if I was ever hospitalized or otherwise incapacitated. At the same time my eyes were opened to how I had handled most adult responsibilities for our entire relationship despite asking for help and engagement from him.
Our relationship was pretty stable as long as we didn’t have to “ride the river”. I like how you explained that important aspect of a relationship that typically becomes more important and noticeable when aging.
We were good at going out and doing things, watching movies, having basic conversations, etc. When a “river” moment occurred our relationship was tense and erratic. Things would get unhealthy VERY quickly when a normal life stress occurred. Trying to keep the bubble of a perfect life going to keep our relationship intact exhausted me.
I will probably be single the rest of my life, but don’t feel lack with this possibility.
Loved this series. Thank you both!
I want to mention, my thearpist gave me Buddha’s brain to read in 2018 and it put me on the path. Forever grateful to Rick and my thearpist!
I am in that boat. Back out there after a 23 yr marriage. I find that the younger men r more grounded & less baggage. Age is just a number. 😉
The pursuer ~ distancer aspect reminds me of Pepe la Phew and his cat girlfriend .. Different species! Women have a deeper inuition as regards men that pursue too fast and 🚩 it as overwhelming and often toxic player energy. I like looking for green flags regarding overall life skills, competency, efficacy, attitude, character, values they live by, presence, bring peace of mind, trustworthy, good natured and humoured, matched vibe alignment and intelligence level, respectful, flexible, faithful, patience, likeability, companionship, love over lust, give and receive over take and own, demonstrate healthy care and concern for self and others, compatibility, curious and open to learning, leaning in and out flexibly and appropriately, compassionate, resilient and reliable, can cope with stress and change, etc.,
Well rounded conversation, thanks for sharing this, you two have an awesome father ~ son relationship! 💎💞🕊️
I definitely agree !! 😃👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Definitely very important points.
Btw, what do you mean by leaning in and out?
You guys are fantastic, full of wit and wisdom. Thank you so much. I have ordered "Resilient". I am in that difficult older female demographic you described; so what!! I am having a blast of a retirement, but still hoping for that nice man friend to share good moments.
Hey guys, thank you for your podcast I often find it very useful, clear, and honest. This last episode about friends seemed to start with excluding people who do have traumas. One of the reasons I listen is because I have anxiety in social situations but it was suggested not to be friends with people who struggle with things.?. By the end of your episode I realized why I don't have any friends.
Hey, I'm sorry that's what you took away from it, it's certainly not what we intended to communicate.
Everyone struggles with things. We all have strengths and weaknesses, and most people are carrying around some kind of secret struggle. Many, many people have experienced some form of trauma. As I've talked about previously on the podcast, I've had my own struggles with anxiety - still do.
In the part you're referring to, we were talking very narrowly in the context of relationships. If I'm remembering right Rick's point was that your life's going to be easier if your partner is generally not *super* psychologically unhealthy. I basically agree with him, and I think most would. For instance, being in a relationship with someone who truly has narcissistic personality disorder is generally going to be extremely challenging.
To be a great relationship partner you don't have to be perfectly psychologically healthy, have no trauma, or have no psychological struggles. My romantic partner has PMDD, and we've been very open about the challenges that can create inside of a relationship. Even so, I love her dearly and think that she's a wonderful partner.
You can have social anxiety, or PMDD, or a wide variety of other challenges and still be an AWESOME and AWESOMELY DESIREABLE relationship partner! And it also really helps to be clear eyed about the challenges that can lead to inside a relationship, and to be proactive about addressing them.
I'm guessing you probably have more friends than you think, and if you're going out of your way to consume content like ours you're probably in pretty good psychological shape relative to most people.
- Forrest
@@ForrestHanson Hey, thank you so much for getting back to my message. I understand and relate to PMDD. I see the opportunity here for more awareness and education on how to connect with people struggling with extreme emotions, in relationships, and on more utilitarian aspects of culture like school and work. Most western cultures are very punitive and dismissive of emotional needs and as a result I've become sensitive to the rejection of my emoting self.
This podcast has meaningful impactful and had helped me learn how to contribute to my relations more compassionately. Yes, you are correct I have shared it with more friends then not. There are many good reminders here on how to become a genuine full functioning human being with love. Thanks again, Natalie
"Someone to ride the river with" I haven't heard that term in a very long time.
Forrest, at 40 minutes you indicated that I am worthy. Thank you for saying that.
I love you guys! You've helped me more than you could know.
Awesome program. Finding self worth in the roots of lack of self worth…🎉
You both are lucky you found long time rlps😃
super duper, gentlemen (and Im single now and in that tough 5o's segment! I will watch for my marketing area, thanks! :)
Me too. I'd rather just keep working on myself rather than putting my heart and soul into making something work. I want to grow my friend group and I'll be good
Thanks!
Hi thanks for this topic soo needed. Can you please give me an insight of what can I do in the fact that my significant other had a little problem with the way he dealt with his Mom and I seemed some how remind him of her and it bothers him at times. On the other hand we are so passionate and loving and comparable in many ways !! ⭐️💕❤️
I liked the video & thought it was helpful except the last part about women and men who have to “market” themselves. It seems to be the opposite message of self love and finding a partner that is actually a good fit and more about scarcity and really just finding someone who can fill a role so one doesn’t feel lonely. I think that last part should have been more focused on self exploration rather than making one fit “reality”
Uggg! 0:56
You erased me too.
Never again I am 69 and have been gaslight Ed for 12 years due to my lifelong adult Co-dependency extreme hyper global sensitive Self extending Empath mentally as well as feeling polarized spiritual empathy by a Master of Evil Doings and False Futures Promising Malignant 15 years my junior Manipulator I don't know maybe not all that extraordinary. My heart and Self Trust Now is So many times Crushed and worse rationalized away I sincerely wish she had physically murdered me in our early on going her one Way circles game nowhere of any level of Real Love reciprocity.
My demographic forgot how to ask a lady out.
And the ladies forgot how to be ladies
@@hgzmattmaybe inquire to yourself what a "lady" is...to you. Where did you get the definition, the conditioning, biases, and expectations of what a "lady" is or "should" be.
This is a good inquiry to understand your narratives.