Thank you for watching and let me know what you think :) Thanks also to Warby Parker for sponsoring this video! Visit warbyparker.yt.link/kxIUCzS for Warby Parker’s glasses and sunglasses and get 15% off when you order 2 or more prescription pairs both online and in stores. 🤓
There's a hugely popular, long-running TV show in India called "Anupamaa", its about a traditional housewife in her 40s who has dedicated her entire life to her family. She discovers that her husband has been cheating on her for years. The story follows her long journey to finally leave her husband, grown children, and in-laws, and ultimately find her own identity, which had been suppressed for years under the guise of being a "traditional wife." The show when it began was really on point about a lot of things. The woman her whole life, only lived for her family, because that was what she was taught by her mother when she was married off. Everything she did out of love for her family was everything that was taken for granted. That show is such an eye opener about what it is actually like being a tradwife.
I'm impressed to hear such a show exists in India because looking from the outside as an American, India indeed seems very traditional ams I'm sure it is. But it's good to know that even TV is showing some of the pitfalls that can come from having to give so much of yourself for others.
In Nigeria, the show airs/aired on starlife. My mom used to/still watches it. I remember watching scenes, clips, adverts of the way Anupama was disrespected despite her personality and devotion to her family, God that made me almost cry. That's why i don't watch drama shows😂😂💔
@@BewareTheLilyOfTheValleyI don't know what it looks from outside but I have seen Indian women completely changing in my lifetime and I am just 29.Govt were promoting women education and lot of scheme were brought into action almost 20 yrs ago and thry all showed color bcz even the families who didn't want to educate girls, now they do bcz girls receive money and the amount increases after every step. In my state fir higher education they are getting really good amount. Just for the degree, you don't need to be from a reputed clg. Also they are being reservation in govt exams in many states (in mine the reservation is there). Now every girl is thinking of job, earning money and getting higher education. Thry are dreaming big and since that results in even the family getting respect from society, more and more ppl are now treating their own daughters better and just like sons unlike how it was even 20 yrs ago. My mom treats me just the same as my brother and I could see she was the exception. Now many are doing that.
There is a Marathi version called "Aai Kuthe Kaay Karte?" which translates to "What does Mom/Mother do?" it started fine but has derailed but yeah it does show a side which can definitely happen and it is not pessimistic but practical.
There’s a book called “The Way We Never Were” that’s all about how the idea of the “traditional family” is mostly nonsense and how the ideal family changes all of the time based on the economic situation of the time.
Ironically most successful couples consists of a couple where the wife stays home and looks after the kids. Me and my husband are 100% debt free and save $55k/yr as a 1 income family with 4 kids. I have the time to cook daily, clean myself, shop around for deals on everything, my husband doesn’t have to take off work to take the kids to the doc or stay home when they’re sick, etc. Plus daycare is criminally high in the USA and they look awful with subpar caregiving (I always hear daycare workers yell at even babies)
@reviewsbygen5591 i worked in childcare for 6 years. As a single mom had no choice.. got out as soon as my kid was in school. And it's heartbreaking seeing people who genuinely don't like kids working with them. I get that it's hard and I understand that state ratio for adult to children is borderline criminal and I understand admin and parents can be shit when they aren't in the classroom with you but my God if you don't like the job leave. no infant should be getting yelled at.
@@de5072 oh yea I could never work in a daycare. I have too much compassion for kids and I can not stand adults yelling at babies. I used to live next to a daycare so I just heard and saw certain things that were not ok.
not nonsense, American society was far superior when there were traditional marriages/family. What we have today is not natural hence look how bad people are turning out.
I was a trad wife. This was before all this. House had to be spotless, I had to be dressed up and make-up done and hair done even if I wasn't leaving the house. It's mental torture to be June Clever everyday. It may sound good but no, it wasn't
I'm grateful you're here. I'm grateful for the women, especially the older ones, who went through this the first time around, lived through it all and are still here to tell these young girls that the tradwife sales pitch is a lie. Thank you so much.
What I find sad about Hannah’s situation is that Daniel used his family’s ownership of JetBlue to get a seat next to Hannah when he wanted to date her and she was rejecting him. Now that he has her as his wife, he won’t get use his family’s ownership of JetBlue to get her tickets to Greece, which she really wants. It’s really sad because it seems like making Hannah happy (within budget and reason) doesn’t matter. It seems like it was all about Daniel from the beginning.
Daniel was a narcissist from the very beginning and he continues to be one. I am not sure that Hannah doesn't have some covert narcissistic qualities herself too. She likes to paint herself as a victim but people who know her say that she is very arrogant and cold in real life. She's just very good at acting.
No the Trad Husband does not work 12 hours a day 7 times a week like the Wife! He works 8 hours and has free weekends! He is never seen COOKING or CLEANING or RAISING his kids other than teaching them to kick a ball. If there were also TRAD HUSBANDS who claim “A man’s only and best role is being a stay at home Father who does all the COOKING CLEANING AND RAISING KIDS” - and say how he “SERVES HIS WIFE as a Husband” and “HOW HE SUBMITS TO HIS WIFE” To show his love. 😂😂😂 Well, then that would also be psychologically toxic but this misandry would balance out misogyny patriarchy. But seriously, neither gender is INHERENTLY “MEANT TO LIVE IN THE KITCHEN”. Shaming women for getting a Master’s Degree and building a career is TEXTBOOK Patriarchy.
My mother was a traditional wife in India, as in that she had to take care of house, kids and look always pretty until she was not exposed to outside world. As she met more people she slowly started taking stuff in her own hands, finances, financial decisions and everything, now my parents live happier and more cooperative than ever. And my mother always encourage me to be independent, socially and financially
"Traditional" wives have only existed since the industrial revolution brought out a bourgeoisie. 90% of families have never been able to afford one spouse staying at home throughout all of history. Well crafted essay, thank you!
I think it's also important to note the importance of community and collectivist cultures, as well as how these things have been eroded away over the years. It's a lot easier to raise children and live if you have the support of a community and share resources!
It depends on what you mean. If you went back to any traditional society, women would have been the homemakers. They would have done the cleaning, cooking, and childcare. The difference is that if you went back to pre industrial times, they would have been doing additional tasks like caring for farm animals and making clothing. A trad wife really is a traditional wife minus some tasks that are no longer necessary, and with the addition of modern appliances.
@@ZoetheratWell, minus certain husbandry tasks, but those appliances (barring perhaps the washing machine) add labor like nobody’s business. Nobody much used to care if the (dirt) floor had crumbs or pet hair, nobody expected a clean set of clothes every week let alone a fresh set every day, the idea of more than one table setting worth of dishes per person was preposterous, homes were typically much smaller with fewer or no appliances to maintain or belongings to clean and tidy, no yards to mow or gutters to clear, there was no room to complain about menu planning limited to leek-and-potato soup or a lack of convenient, healthy, kid-friendly snacks, there were no routine doctor’s or dentist’s appointments or travel to book or PTA meetings or homeschooling or PSAT cram school or sports clubs or dance lessons to any significantly time-consuming degree… unless you were wealthy enough to have servants handling the period-appropriate analogues to all these things. Our standards for both housing and a good domestic life (and good childrearing) have shot into the stratosphere along with all the technology, to a standard only the rich used to manage (again, with the aid of servants or even slaves.) The most backbreaking work may be gone, but the expectations today for household consumption are just *nuts* - and almost completely atomized, with no community support to speak of - even the insourced labor we used to expect of kids; you can get your children seized by CPS for letting tweens babysit while you go to market, or ten year olds occupy themselves by walking to the creek with their friends and fishing poles, which were fairly expected contributions from older kids once upon a time! The healthcare, nutrition, and (in some places) domestic violence legislation are better today, but I don’t think I’d call it significantly less work. A lot of that work may be seen as optional by some people, but for a SAHM to maintain her position, her husband needs to firstly agree and secondly not care about keeping up with the Joneses. She is uniquely subject to societal judgement - because she is functionally proof of her husband’s wealth, and because of her “free time” - if she doesn’t have the financial resources to stand on her own, and her safety derives from her husband remaining impressed with his domestic life while immersed in an advertising culture always depicting the most extravagant of everything, the standard pretty rapidly becomes totally unmanageable.
Feminism didn't "ruin" anything for women. It just gave us a choice. Honestly, no one is stopping you to live as traditional wife from whatever century you want. You are not forced to work and be "modern woman" whatever you define that it is. You have a choice. That's what matters. That is why I am a feminist, I like the choice. It's not about hustle, being girl boss, or competing with men. I don't care about those. I just like having a choice, and not being forced to live as others think I should.
My mother and father chose to have my mother stay at home with my brother and I. She had access to the joint bank account and does the finances to this day. My dad probably didn’t help as much as he does now around the house but in his defence, he was getting his masters degree, which took 8 years due to it being a correspondence course (this was pre-internet days, Cold War era) had two children and a wife… in fact they had one car for most of my first 4 years of life. My mother drove my dad to work and picked him up every evening. She definitely was the parent who usually took us to doctors appts, volunteered at school, made meals, washed clothes, cleaned up the house (with our help) but my dad would often give us bathes, read to us, put us to bed and spend time with us after work just so my mother could go to the store alone - after an afternoon of breaking up fights between her two eaglets! note: eaglets are limited to 2-3 usually two, and only the first to hatch will usually live to leave the nest. The other will be killed by his older sibling(s)and eaten bc nothing goes to waste! in their defence, this is just survival of the fittest and completion for mating rites is fierce due to inherently ingrained monogamy. In our defence, I kindly let my younger brother live and eat. I even let him breathe the same air as me and look out my car window. 😂😂😂😂and the hard-backed textbook to his head was deserved. We are not a religious family. They just did-not want to pay for daycare which was still expensive in the 80’s. It was tight. We took few vacations. There was pressure on my dad to provide which he has always done well enough though he had to turn down some job offers due to the lower pay and despite the higher status. The only reason they were in a house was because my grandparents thought they needed a house before having children but they couldn’t have afforded it. They paid my grandparents and ho bought the house outright - after my uncle embezzled $79,000 from his company and was told to either pay it back or go to prison. Yeah so they felt like it wasn’t fair to do that for my uncle but not do anything for my dad, who wouldn’t have cared, mind you. IF anything he probably thought he should’ve been charged with the crime but my uncle never did anything like that again. He did cheat on his various wives, but that’s more a moral judgement which I’m not inclined to make. LA/Pasadena/Burbank, CA got to his head in middle age.
I was with a BS man for 8 years… and yes, he did everything for me, all my friends told me I was so lucky and they were jealous. Yes, he completely controlled our finances. I was not allowed to drive anywhere. Death and medical issues put us in the worst position. We had long stopped loving each other by the time I left. I will spend my 30s cleaning up my financial mess, but my life is so much better in every way.
My mom is a working women. And she also told me TO NOT DO IT. 😂 It's such a broad topic of traditional women vs modern women. That not one person can fully articulate it Because everyone has different experiences thus different biases.
@@saimashupti469 as a whole, working women tell others to not work and instead be a tradwife? unfortunately there is dv and it can end badly then y doesn't she stop working? no one forces her to work but a lot of women are forced to stay home no one is trying to ban women from staying home like women were and are banned from public life to this day eg afghanistan
@@StefanTaf have you seen this economy?? If I could I would totally stop working and be a sahm. But it's not an option for me. I'm forced to work. I was supposed to be a sahm when I met my child's father and got pregnant. His life blew up in his face and thus my life blew up.
Sorry, but I do feel like Nara and Hannah are absolutely pushing the "Trad wife" narrative despite being business women. I think a bit of nuance that you missed in regard to these two is that they are Mormon. They are espousing beliefs that are religious in nature at their core. They are not just pretty influencers that happen to like cooking...their videos portrait a lifestyle they fully believe in. Hannah Alonzo and The Financial Diet both made really good videos that get more in-depth on the religious ideation that is also underlying these videos.
I agree-I generally love Cara’s video but this one did miss the mark for me in that I think it’s missing that the business they’re selling is this lifestyle, even if they’re not living like most “trad wives” might. And the point about cooking content creators that are male not having the same gender roles attached to their content-I think that’s also true for many women creating food-centered content! The difference is that these women are selling the lifestyle, not the meals (like Nara’s videos where she’s making something from scratch before her husband gets home from work vs other creators just making the recipe without the attached meaning of doing it for your hard working husband)
Thanks so much for your comment and for watching! :) I totally get where you're coming from. It’s clear that people feel strongly about how Nara and Hannah present themselves, but I’d argue that the idea that they are overtly pushing a religious lifestyle is a bit more complicated. I think a lot of times, we as an audience project outside information onto influencers, crafting a narrative that might not be entirely accurate. While they may be Mormon (and I have lots of thoughts about how Mormonism, and really religion in general is steeped in patriarchy), I’m not sure it’s fair to conclude that their content is about promoting religious beliefs at its core. From what I’ve seen, neither Nara nor Hannah actively evangelize or even explicitly mention their faith in the vast majority of their videos. We, as viewers, might be connecting dots that haven’t been drawn by them explicitly because they fit into broader motifs we recognize, like the ‘tradwife’ narrative. This is definitely a gray area, so I understand that everyone will have their own interpretations. And over time, opinions including my own may evolve! But I do think there's a tendency to jump to conclusions-especially when it comes to intent. We often assume a particular agenda is at play when what’s really happening could be more about aesthetics, personal preference, or just sharing a slice of life rather than an overt attempt to shape cultural or religious norms. For instance, take the criticisms Ballerina Farm faced in the past about "cosplaying poverty." People saw her rustic aesthetics and assumed she was making light of financial struggle, even though she never implied that was her reality. Similarly, Nara and Hannah might choose to portray a family-centered life that includes cooking and having more children than average. This might be informed by their upbringing or religious background, but it doesn't necessarily mean they’re pushing that lifestyle onto others. I think there's a space to talk about how certain lifestyles may be normalized within religious communities, but I don't think it’s always productive to conflate someone's personal life choices with an intentional agenda to promote a specific religious worldview-especially when they aren't openly discussing their faith in their content. Perhaps a more helpful way to approach this conversation would be to explore how patriarchal institutions (including religious ones) might indirectly influence these lifestyles. But that doesn't mean every portrayal of domestic life is an attempt to push an agenda. Sorry for the novel of a comment there, but this is a really interesting topic that you bring up and I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts :)
i am glad that i can attend secondary school and go to university and have actual choices in life instead of working on a field my whole life like my ancestors. idk why someone wants to go back to this lifestyle (especially as a woman, they had absolutely no rights back then). edit: by "this lifestyle" i mean hardcore christianity not agriculture
Of all the tradwife influencers ,this one sticks with me. If she had taken a flight just one day later, her whole life would have been different. She lost so much and is trying to put on a brave face after losing her life's dream and having to bear 8 children to an indifferent husband... The only place where I can quietly accept someone "submitting" to their husband and calling him the "head of the household" is within the BDSM community, where such arrangements are intensely discussed before implementation and adjusted as needed. For centuries, families simply could not afford to have only one income. Women worked the gardens, brewed beer, took care of the livestock in medieval times; they worked in factories and households (my grandmother trained to be a housemaid when she was 15, right before WW1), and those forty years between WW2 and women's liberation were the only time when the whole tradwife esthetic occurred. Of course, there was also marital rape, no contraception, women had no right to divorce, own money or land, they were drugged out of their mind when they got "hysterical" once their husband had a mistress, and in the end they died poor and bitter because they didn't have any pension or savings to life off in old age. And let's not forget that the tradwife esthetic is extremely white, because who would want to roleplay a black woman from the 1950s?
Both partners having access to all the financial accounts really resonates with me. My aunt is a boomer but worked full time her whole adult life. She let her husband, my uncle, have complete control of their finances. He went through every financial mistake like a check list. He financed huge unnecessary purchases, signed up for an MLM, bought a time share, and spent her share of my Grandma's inheritance on a truck lease. They don't have the truck anymore. To be fair, my aunt always co-signed when necessary but that's almost worse. Now that my aunt is 69 and passed retirement age, the family is not just starting to learn that my uncle lost all of their savings to crypto scams. It's only this year that the family has stepped in and set my aunt up with her own bank account. But that doesn't change the fact that my aunt is 69, has no money and will probably have to work until the day she dies.
My mom is the same age as your aunt and made a huge mistake by letting my dad run up her credit card debt. It’s been over 10 years and she’s still affected to this day. That is why I believe couples should have a joint account to pay bills that is monitored by both, but each need to have their own personal accounts and borrowing money from each other should be off the table. People get weird when it comes to money so finances absolutely need to be handled before marriage.
Even in Little House on the Prairie books, which are a romanticization of the author’s American pioneer upbringing, we can see as clear as day that Ma has little power in the relationship while Pa drags her further and further West, against her will, and often leaves her alone to take care of the family. He even has her help him BUILD A LOG CABIN and a log falls on her ankle while the family is in the middle of fucking nowhere. That’s the romanticized account. I tremble to think how it actually was.
Even Jane Austen's novels back in the 18th century critique the dependence of women on marriage for economic security and now some people are wanting to go back to that.....makes no sense to me.
The funny part to me is that there are people online who have said those books inspired their dads to live like that where they go off the grid and try to build their own house and it was absolute hell. This is why romanticization is dangerous.
Like if those women want to willingly agree to that arrangement that’s her issue, but then pretending like they’re better than the rest of us just makes it obvious that they’re trying to prove they don’t regret their choices
I also have an issue with the pretending like they are doing things better than working women. I get an air of disdain from those videos, like "look how perfect I am and you are not", "I'm truly feminine because I do this and you are not because you work". BS
@@for833 It’s such bs, and notice how their brand of feminine is very cookie cutter? Prairie dress with long blonde hair, makeup, along with a soft child-like voice, etc. It’s pretty bland.
This movement assumes that every woman wants to be a homemaker and wants the same things but feminism gave us the right to choose whether you want to become a career woman or homemaker or whatever you want to be. Also these influencers are working. You’re curating , editing and marketing your videos , that’s work
The other side of the coin assume that all women want to climb the corporate ladder and be boss bitches. The only one who can decide what they want out of life is each individual themselves I hate all these stupid trends from the Internet, none of them are reality they are a show scripted from start to finish to sell video time so that those that make them can make bank. Stop watching these people
Feminism has never truly given us the right to choose. It's often been framed as either being a career woman or a failure-a 'broke' woman, as they tend to view traditional women, unfortunately
@@mrw9089 Traditional women usually are broke and miserable. That’s not making them out to be failures. That’s just the reality for many of them including where I’m from. Let’s be real about that.
@@mrw9089ppl are always going to have opinion and disagree. Feminism is an ideology but that doesn’t mean everyone follows it the same. In a way, u can say that about every ideology
I do wonder what the average woman in 14th Century England would say if you showed her these "Traditional Wife" lifestyles - they are only "traditional" in that they depict one (relatively short) era of history in one country for one socio-economic group...
An average woman in 14th Century England clearly wouldn't have been able to relate to women cooking, cleaning, and taking care of children. She would have asked why they aren't attending college and becoming boss babes.
@@Zoetheratwomen actually were very involved outside of the home. The family has a tavern? The woman brews ale, cooks, serves customers. The family has a farm? The wife makes cheese and sells it at the market. The husband is a fisherman? The woman sells the fish. Women often took care of budgeting. The family might have pensioners to round up the income, and the woman would take care of it. They were often employed as servants or cooks for richer families. They spun wool for cloth not just for their families but to sell. Women have worked all through history for money, and having a capable wife who could generate income was seen as a big plus.
@@Cloudsandcurls1303 Someone from the past would view the trad wives as having a wealthy, non agricultural lifestyle. However, the division of labor by gender would have seemed completely normal to them, as would have the domestic tasks being the woman's responsibility. And this makes sense. After all, the gender expectations of the 1950s didn't just pop out of no where. They were inherited from previous generations, but adjusted for a less agricultural and wealthier society. You didn't have to churn your own butter or spin your own wool anymore once technology and manufacturing processes made it more cost effective to just buy the end products. Lets go into why gender roles even existed. As a society gets more complex, it gets job specialization. The most basic step in this is to give women one set of tasks and men the other. So which tasks do you give to the women? Well, women in the past had more kids at earlier ages, and given this reality, it made sense to give them the tasks that they could more easily do while pregnant, nursing, and/ or taking care of children. That's why they were the ones doing the things you mentioned, like churning butter or spinning wool, in the first place. So what would women from the past think of the 1950s trad wife? It would seem like a wealthy version of life, but gender roles, being responsible for domestic affairs, and having kids would all be things that they could relate to. By contrast, the typical life of upper middle class women today, where they come out of college in their 20s, establish any career they want, and then start having kids in their 30s (if at all) would not be as relatable.
@@Cloudsandcurls1303 I posted my reply and it's not here for some reason, so i'll repost this- Someone from the past would view the trad wives as having a wealthy, non agricultural lifestyle. However, the division of labor by gender would have seemed completely normal to them, as would have the domestic tasks being the woman's responsibility. And this makes sense. After all, the gender expectations of the 1950s didn't just pop out of no where. They were inherited from previous generations, but adjusted for a less agricultural and wealthier society. You didn't have to churn your own butter or spin your own wool anymore once technology and manufacturing processes made it more cost effective to just buy the end products. Lets go into why gender roles even existed. As a society gets more complex, it gets job specialization. The most basic step in this is to give women one set of tasks and men the other. So which tasks do you give to the women? Well, women in the past had more kids at earlier ages, and given this reality, it made sense to give them the tasks that they could more easily do while pregnant, nursing, and/ or taking care of children. That's why they were the ones doing the things you mentioned, like churning butter or spinning wool, in the first place. So what would women from the past think of the 1950s trad wife? It would seem like a wealthy version of life, but gender roles, taking care of domestic affairs, and having kids would all be things that they could relate to. By contrast, the typical life of upper middle class women today, where they come out of college in their 20s, establish any career they want, and then start having kids in their 30s (if at all) would not be as relatable.
"It's not about assuming that the worst is going to happen..." Why not? Why not also assume and take into consideration that the worst is going to happen? One must be prepared for all scenarios in life. This is why we get insurance for literally anything and everything. If he wants a stay at home wife, he should have the money for that and put money monthly in her bank account that he has no access to. That's her money for her honest labour.
Regarding the mid-century ideals, I think ppl often forget that those ideals were a method of getting women away from the factories and jobs they had during war time. It was in some ways a forced sexism because women lost their jobs and were heavily encouraged to stay home and perform unpaid work while looking pretty and being pleasant. In contrast to previously having been employed with very few men around to tell them what to do, say and think.
I love your take on this topic. I have seen a lot of videos discussing tradwives and by far this is my favorite; very elaborate and you covered the finances aspect really well. I'm a therapist and I see a lot of women who are stay at home moms coming to see me for different reasons, sometimes it's domestic violence and being unable to leave because of their financial situation, sometimes it's they no longer feel happy in their marriage, but have to stay because they have nowhere else to go. My problem with the Instagram depiction of tradwives is that it presents a blissful image of being a tradwive that is not the reality, as you so accurately mentioned. Being a SAHM is an incredibly hard job and it's a very unrecognized job, most men/husbands don't recognize the incredible amount of work that taking care of the home and kids on a daily basis is and they often expect the house to be tidy and dinner cooked and a bunch of expectations as if their wife was lying around watching TV all day while they were working.....that can be very detrimental for one's mental health if you don't have any other outlets like going out or being involved in the community in some way. I'm worried that younger generations might see this and think "oh that seems nice, I don't have to work and I will just be happy" when that's not the reality of life unfortunately. Women didn't fight to get out of those gender roles for no reason, a lot of them were miserable back in those days and there was no way out, not even divorce was a thing....
That’s the part, I don’t understand. The way girls/women truly believe that a man will pay for them for nothing is insane. And yes it’s for nothing because they don’t value housework or cooking. That’s one of the reasons why financial abuse happens. So we always need to have our own. Even if a man provides, over time he can change his mind and start with holding funds when he starts to think it’s unfair that his wife gets to stay home all day. It’s just how it is.
I appreciate the social science research showing the benefits of working parents, as someone who always felt like I benefited a lot from having a mom who worked throughout my childhood because of the life she modeled for me. I also remember reading years ago that the level of education a mother has (and not fathers) is directly proportional to the level of education her kids tend to achieve - regardless of the kids' gender. Obviously that's separate from the question of staying-at-home, as plenty of stay-at-home moms are educated - but since the "tradwife" lifestyle is increasingly promoting dropping out of or entirely skipping college, I think that's pretty relevant. It's also relevant when so many of them seem to promote, like in these videos, the idea of not being intellectually curious and men telling you what to think. (Sidenote: My mom is a lawyer and now a high school social studies teacher. She's always been passionate and informed about politics, and she's talked to women who took that view - of letting their husbands tell them what to think about politics - and whenever she talks to those husbands they're nearly always very politically ignorant and misinformed. Just like how you shouldn't outsource your finances, don't outsource your politics to him either! If you aren't informed, how can you know enough to judge for yourself that he is?)
My mom was a SAHM and she was great at it. She loved it. Now she’s trying to divorce my terrible dad and is going to need a lot of help reentering the workforce and leaving him. Plan for the worst yall
I always think the idea that Mad Men promotes this 50s housewife ideal can only come from people who don't watch the show, who just love its sumptuous aesthetics. It's pretty clear even from early episodes that the housewife lifestyle ends up making those female characters miserable, and that they're ultimately more fulfilled by social and financial independence. Betty's and Joan's whole character arcs are about this, in different ways. I'm always telling people to watch it because it's one of the greatest TV shows ever made and my personal favorite, but also - it's always how funny how much (and not just in this way, either) the popular conception of Mad Men by people who don't watch it vs. the actual story of the show, are so different and often opposites.
my aunt & uncle divorced after 21 years of marriage .. my uncle cut my aunt's health plan. and he knows she is unemployed with no savings at all. lesson learned do a prenup when marrying someone.. you never know. and also, have your own bank account.. and build your own credit score.. and also my uncle put his mistress on his insurance policy all along instead of my aunt.. so that's f up.. yeah.. marriage can be beautiful.. but don't ever think your life will depend on your marriage.. you have to choose what's best for you and having your own money is the best thing you can give yourself.. you can love and serve someone but don't destroy yourself in the process...
Worked in banking 30 years ago . I’d have to deal with these sobbing old ladies calling in cuz their husband had died and they were finding out they were in horrendous debt . These were women who never had a Social Security number!! They were homemakers and took care of the kids . Husband was supposed to handle the $$$$ and the care of her . Turns out he sucked at it and she was paying the price in her old age .
Regarding raising children, people miss the possibility of the father also contributing to it. I think that if you're going to have kids, you need to be prepared to take time off work to spend A LOT of time with them during their formative years, but that should apply to both parents in equal amount!
It’s so scary how some people glorify financial dependency to an unhealthy extent. Especially when it comes down to stuff like prenups; if you can’t discuss finances with your partner (especially if thats already the case when you are not in a dire financial situation) you should not get married or at least not yet. Unfortunately, some people deal with toxic relationships, their partner cheats, their partner unfortunately passes or their partner (or they themselves) get into a hobby or even addiction that could cause the other person financial issues. At that point, when you have crossed normal circumstances, there is nothing more romantic than having protected you(r partner) from financial disaster due to the other’s issues or behaviour. That’s why a prenup (in my opinion) shows care, love and that you both realise that life can sometimes change or be hard. If you have no experience running finances and something happens, you’re left to your own devices. Better to be safe than sorry then ❤️
Honestly, I think most of the trad wife posts online are rage bait. That's not what the average "trad wife" lives like 99% of the time. And the ones that do try to live up to that standard hate it because of how impossible it is.
Absolutely. Like when the hubby gave Hannah the egg apron for her birthday. That was so obviously done for rage clicks and I can't believe how people fell for it. I bet off-camera he treated her to a nice, expensive day at a spa.
my mom and dad both worked but my dad even though he made more money he was financially irresponsible, and my mom worked the hardest trying to make sure the debt was under control and in the end, it was tore their marriage apart and made them miserable. I think that no matter who contributes the most in the relationship financially, if they don't have healthy spending habits and good morals when it comes to the value of money the marriage is in danger and that unhappiness is poison for the family. 1 person in the marriage can't work harder than the other, they both need to make sure they are contributing to the family and give their spouses each 100% of themselves to each other, they may not be perfect but the values of making sure both are not being more selfish than the other is the most efficient thing to do and ultimately (in my opinion) the best thing they can do for their family, because finance is only 1 aspect of what a relationship needs, it's not the whole.
I fully believe this. My dad was what we call (insert forbidden word) rich. It’s when you’re able to make a million or two dollars at a time, but blow it on bad investments or spending irresponsibly. So even though he was able to make money, he was always in debt and he even blew out my momma’s credit card and it’s ruined everything, so when people say marry rich. I disagree. It should be marry generously because there are a lot of women with rich husbands who don’t get a dime.
Even as a child growing up in a fundie-conservative family, I hated the idea of becoming a traditional wife and mother. I used to play dress up with other girls but would dress up in boy's clothing and say I was going to be a business woman or a lawyer - Ironically I am a legal editor now, instead of a lawyer. The fact that I'm even married now is a miracle, and solely because I found someone who was able and willing to be equal to me in every way, including home labor. If he hadn't, I would never have gotten married or had a long-term relationship that was monogamous.
I would also like to point out I don't know how people can afford to be trad wifes in this economy. In my country (Spain) I couldn't afford to be one even if I wanted to. My fiance is an engineer and I'm a doctor and we're counting on only having 1 or 2 kids bc we simply can't afford 3 which is what we wanted, and we are the higher earning ones of our society...
It’s simple really. It’s their choice. In my culture women gladly choose to live on a man’s income even though it causes them and their kids to live in poverty. Them playing house is more important than their children crying that they’re hungry. Thats why I don’t support anyone becoming a trad-wife if their husband doesn’t make enough. Because I was one of those kids. The amount of wives I read about who say they make it work on 50k a year disgusts me. Their kids usually go hungry.
My spouse and I don’t have access to each others financials, other than a single shared credit card. We were on very different financial footings when we got married and have chosen to keep it that way for at least the first few years while he is getting his business going. However, we had a full financial disclosure well before we married, and meet quarterly to go over the overall finances as well as his business finances. The key for us is simple transparency.
It’s not just because she cooks, there were huge red flags in the Ballerina Farms story! The whirlwind romance that saw her give up a very promising career and his manipulation of her.
I once saw a tiktok where the person pointed out how ridiculous it would sound, if the tradwives would use their husbands' actual names when talking about "submitting" to them. "I have to submit to Kevin" just doesn't have the same gravitas, right? 😂 Also, i think that everyone should watch tradwife content with their brain turned on. It's always business content in one way or other, and should not be taken as real life advice.
I hope this video gains much more traction in a good way because the insights here are really really beneficial and so clearly presented! I love how nuanced your criticism is and that the video comes with really solid financial advice that applies to all of us. Thank you for the time put into research, filming and editing!
Love you Cara. I’m a first gen American from immigrant parents and the part from 12:27 “those who feed you can starve you” really resonates with me. I got kicked out and your videos help me shift my perspective a lot to be mindful when I’m on minimum wage 😂
I mean, that’s why dowers exist, and why communities are traditionally much more close knit, so that if the marriage doesn’t work out for whatever reason, or ends early, the wife has something to live on in the former case and in the latter case can shack up with family until she gets things sorted out. You’re absolutely right though that tradwives ought take up a cottage industry of some fashion. Preemptively; A *Dowry* is paid by the bride’s family to the groom to help set up the newlyweds’ household, a *Dower* is paid by the groom to a trust in the bride’s name as insurance.
Going into any relationship (marriage or only living together) where only one person have an income, a job or an educational background and the other one doesn't (or chooses not to), sounds to me like choosing to jump out of a plane together and trusting that your partner with the parachute is gonna hold onto you when both of you jump. Better to have a parachute of your own. Not because of a lack of trust to your partner. You are your partner before anyone else and relationships shouldn't jeopardize the individual.
What I find strange is that the only choices presented to women are either work 9 to 5 or be a trad wife. Eh, hello? Aren't there other jobs a woman can do and be happy, fulfilled and take care of her family (if she wants one)?
You can do both. A 9 to 5 isn’t always in an office, and plenty of people raise good families with assistance from a day care, sitter, or with help from other family members. The point is to be realistic about it. That’s how you can have the best and worst of both worlds.
The weirdest thing about living in the country and being a trad wife was, everyone brought me their junk. If it was some old couch they would just show up with it, or some old table ect....I spent more time and gas taking things to second hands shops to donate. Then people would bring me their old clothes. Like once it was a dress with fish that the eyes moved. Like am I wearing that to feed the cows?
Like these people are to busy project on them to actually listen, you see Nara's husband taking Cara of the kids and cooking as well like how is that a tead related
I would love to see a whole video about prenups and setting a stay at home salary. I’m assuming social security won’t know about it for calculating it pay out. Would love to see a deep dive on Elizabeth Warren and dual income trap as well.
It’s the lack of dependence and always being under their husband that scares me. I’m from a poor area, so the trad-wives I’ve seen have been incredibly miserable and tell others not to do it.
Along with, "We forget the stories of those who are not the wealthy," we also forget the stories that aren't from mainly white European countries or heritages. The lifestyle my Shoshone grandmother and great-grandmother lived in the USA is nothing like what they'd have lived if they were white. A lot of different cultures had vastly different roles and expectations of people, some cultures are even heavily matriarchies that even in situations with women in the home the way they were treated and the power they had was so different. I look at the life my grandmother had, being taken from her reservation as a child and raised in a white family, then marrying a white man but still becoming a nurse and embracing being a powerful woman -- I look at the lives of my grandmothers before her, I look at the small farms they build and history of working together as equals to survive on the reservation when the country was working to hinder them every step of the way, and that life was nothing like the European version of traditional.
I am probably a lot more conservative than you, but I liked this video more than I thought I would! Thanks for acknowledging the differences between the aesthetic trad life and normal SAHM life. My husband and I have made different amounts in different seasons. I have to say my favorite arrangement is the one we have now where I work from home part time and care for the kids/ home stuff the other part of the time. Except he always does dishes because I just… don’t. 😝 I’m also a fixer, so I appreciate people like Joanna Gaines demonstrating that women can use tools because I do a ton. I personally think we need to get rid of the 40 hour work week so that more families can care for their kids. When so many people have to move for work, they don’t have a support system and end up having to pay someone for childcare. Then the more demand for childcare, the higher the prices get.
Turkish here, in addition to weaving, women were actively involved in farming and livestock in villages in Ottoman Empire. I’m not talking about “bourgeoisie” naturally.
The set up camera to record every aspect of your day is gross. You literally have to know how to film it and then your life is a commercial ad. Weird, I mean absolutely weird!!!
I can have the "tradwife" aesthetic by simply wearing dresses from the 50's and prior eras and I can still make bread from scratch for myself after coming home (my workdays are mon-fri 06:00-14:00) if baking is my hobby. I could just become a farmer outright, if I am SO hell-bent on wanting to milk cows and tend to fields. I don't need a man and 5+ children running around the house for that. The thing is, using aesthetic and idyllic video content to promote anti-feminist ideas and financial and other potential for abuse (especially for women to be the victim of that) is just insidious AF. Women have worked ever since, but in patriarchial societies, their work has always been undervalued and played off as "unimportant", despite having been and still being THE MOST IMPORTANT.
Amazing video, even got me to question lots of my values as a feminist myself! The whole he pays for dinner and two years later he controls your finances thing made my head gears start turning, thank you cara! :)
20:28 those study results will be in the next Mother's day card for my mom! She was always a working mom and she did great. After I changed schools I was the only child in my class that had a working mother. Years later she would tell me that the other moms in the class berated her for working instead of staying at home.
You can market anything to anyone if you make it look beautiful and glamorous. I'm not against traditional wives. It's worked out for many people but it doesn't work or look the way it's portrayed on social media and what people are really drawn to is the carefully curated pictures they've seen on social media. It's marketing. It's manipulation and it applies to everything else. Think about small underground artists compared to global popstars. Everyone wants to be a Beyonce and a Taylor Swift but not the unknown artist making and performing music for the love of it because there's no wealth, fame or glamour.Think about the Baby Moma culture within the music entertainment industry. People overlook it's detrimental effects because of the wealth and glamour involved. Normal, average women who become baby momas deal with a ton of struggle. Therefore , the trad wife movement is a glamorous lifestyle with a different aesthetic; that's what's truly being sold.
Are we really going backwards like this? Seriously? After all the revolutions, emancipations, digitalization, etc. Is this what the world expects women to be?
Trad wife and sahm is very different. Sahm is usually because the family decided it’s better and more financially beneficial for one parent to stay home and look after the kids when they’re little. I have 4 kids and daycare would be $1k more expensive than my income. I cannot afford to work 😂 my mom was a sahm and is celebrating her 47th anniversary with my dad. Being a sahm isn’t good for most American women who sometimes are toxic independent but I’m foreign from a small village. I don’t need the big flashy corporate career and the shiny BMW in the driveway.
@@thefinancialfreedomgirl yes but that’s why we have joint accounts. It’s not like I have no say in any of the spending. The cost of daycare just doesn’t justify me working at a $1k loss monthly. Like I would have to go in debt to work 😂
It's not just about having a BMW parked in the driveway or being toxic independent, most women don't have the luxury of not working as they are often living paycheck to paycheck even with very basic expenses. I have my own business, am a healthcare professional, yet I drive a Toyota and can't afford to not work, so it's not always about the flashy lifestyle like you put it. Although I agree that if daycare is $1000 more it doesn't make sense to work until the kids are school aged or if you could apply for subsidy.
@@for833 there is a difference between a single mom who has to work and a married couple. Like if the single mom doesn’t make enough to cover daycare, she will get subsidies. My husband is a high earner. My income as a Math teacher is pocket change compared to his so there no chance I would get governmental handouts 🤣 I just take my time and go back once all the kids are in school. There is no need for me to be worried or anything.
Loved your perspective on trad wives! I thoroughly enjoy every video you put out, they’re always so thoughtful and I appreciate you taking the time to explain details ❤ thank you for your content!
The traditional wife isn’t as traditional as we think it is. People used to live hand to mouth so the whole family would work the farms and fields together. Not just the “nuclear” family but the extended family as well. They were like small family businesses but the work directly supported the family. Because of industrialization and bigger cities, we no longer need family farms. Now the parents go to work outside the home. A SAHM is just a woman that has decided to work for her husband/ family instead of going outside the home. He goes to work to pay for her to work at home. If someone offered to bankroll your lifestyle, and asked you to clean their house, cook their meals and take care of their kids, would it really be that crazy to take it?
In my opinion couple should do whatever works for them, but that doesn’t mean not having protection net. I think a fund equal to yearly expenses invested quite conservatively is great thing to have before marriage - it at least keeps both aware that if needed, she could leave.
I really recommend Dr Eleanor Janegas video on History Hit about working women in the Medieval period, and the roles they had were not limited to housework/farming/raising children etc 😊 I think the 'trad' set up can negatively impact men as well. Feeling the pressure of ensuring that enough money comes in to keep your partner can be overpowering. My husband struggles with his mental health, and if all the decisions were for him only, he would hate that. It's a very alpha male mindset and limits men. It can lead men to resist asking for help when feeling overwhelmed with the pressure of being in control of every decision. I don't dismiss the very real and dangerous position it can put women in. I just think about the men I know in my life and how it wouldn't be possible for them to have this lifestyle, nor would they want to actively choose it ❤❤❤❤
Oh, I'm early for this! Always very interested in dissections of this modern phenomenon of "traditional" wives. Looking forward to hearing your take on it!
"A man is not a financial plan" as a man, I 100% agree, watching Caleb Hammer and seeing how many women go on there and say things like they believe a man should [financially] take care if a woman, and actively look for what is basically a sugar daddy. Financial abuse is real, but it goes both ways, women also demand we play that role too, and gold diggers are real. Seen wayy too many people, men and women, get played and used like a bank account. Tradwives are kinda cringe, i dont get the desire to go back to the 50s, just seems like larping to me.
You being up a good point. There are women who think men should pay for them for nothing, but on the opposite side are men who think women should do everything for them for free. They’re all basically the same. Thinking they should be catered to, but don’t want to cater back.
I think we should create the category of a "couple career" too because a lot of successful supposed "tradwifes" I know are actually just not employed because their husbands have all-encompassing careers where it wouldn't make sense logistically for the wife to have a separate career and both parties are happy with it. Like one partner having a normal job and the other partner sitting at home seems kinda lazy. But when one partner is a small-town doctor (a 24/7 job), or a local pastor, or even a CEO or something that involves lots of time, travel and energy then really the non-working partner is working in the same job too. Like how wives of doctors would get medical questions, or wives or CEOs would be expected to appear at important dinners or gatherings. Its the job of a queen of a small empire and not "I work and u do nothing"
Why some women cannot accept their desire to be trad wifes withiut all this religious and "logical" facts, proving "it has to be this way"...We can be ourselves without any excuses or explanations. But if they dont really want this...its so sad(( and hard to imagine happy children in such families... Success is when our desires fulfilled, no more no less.
i appreciate such a nuanced view of this topic. it annoys me how this society likes to label everything and then run with whatever they think is right. nara smith never once said she was a trad wife or to live like her. and her cooking from scratch is actually a common trait for lower income people, they often have to make things cause they couldn't buy it or pay for someone else to do it. it's also for her health and much healthier to make things from scratch for most things. my mother did and we didn't have a lot of money. traditional values can coexist with a working woman and it always did, women have been working long before they got bank accounts. it very much should because if you give someone the power to feed you they have the power to starve you. a good partner will always strive to lighten their S/Os burden and bring security if they have no real reason not to
Women were not paid for their labor, is the point. Yes. But they have different types/approaches to this thing called labor. Going into labor is something a woman does. (A man can't) And yet for this long period of time, the labor a woman does is compensated not equally to man but rather less fairly. I think this much must be acknowledged
Why is it lesser than to focus on building your family and give them love, instead of working as a slave to a corporation that will never care about you back? This also applies to men People over consume to fill a hole in them that material possessions & status never will. But love can
@@StefanTaf some people work jobs where after taxes & daycare costs they’re almost net flat. In effect you would be working so you can pay other people to raise your kids. Or you could just consume less stuff and raise them yourself. Again this also applies to men.
@@earendil5884 i don't think scrubbing floors counts as quality time, if anything doing repetitive chores at home all day is more soul crushing u can have a job u enjoy, as humans we need to feel purpose and be there for your kids, inspire them and guide them better in life my mom is a surgeon and a great mom, she just doesn't like to cook even if she broke even, which she doesn't, why not be a surgeon and have fun instead of making bad meals? i live in a traditional country and it is the tradwives, not the feminists, that always warned us of this lifestyle unfortunately, i see it all around me ending badly
@@StefanTaf I am a stay at home dad who traded a career to focus on raising my family. The greatest advantage kids can have in the modern world is a parent that is there for them. If your mom makes a ton of money, helps people and you still had family raising you, then you aren’t the situation I’m referring to. I’m talking about most people barely scraping by
@@earendil5884 you are talking about people that hate their job and are making little, alright, of course i am sure there a lot like that, but then if u quit ur job, where is the money coming from? a partner? inheritance? benefits? how do u get health insurance? are u growing ur own food?
I enjoy plenty of cooking content and most of the female content creators I enjoy give little to no indication about their marital status or personal lives. To my mind their content is equal to that of their male counterparts and focuses on the recipes without any ideology to it. It's just people who enjoy cooking. Personally I don't really like Nara Smith's content due to the narration, I find her delivery isn't to my taste and I also think it's her proximity to the mic, which is just my opinion of course. I may be a little iffy on her and her husband's relationship to the Mormon church, but I agree that Smith shouldn't count as a "trad wife" since she's still working as a model and technically she must get paid for her content.
I think Nara claimed she isn’t a trad wife. U can also see her husband participate in the cooking, cleaning and child rearing so that’s definitely not traditional
Thank you for watching and let me know what you think :) Thanks also to Warby Parker for sponsoring this video! Visit warbyparker.yt.link/kxIUCzS for Warby Parker’s glasses and sunglasses and get 15% off when you order 2 or more prescription pairs both online and in stores. 🤓
There's a hugely popular, long-running TV show in India called "Anupamaa", its about a traditional housewife in her 40s who has dedicated her entire life to her family. She discovers that her husband has been cheating on her for years. The story follows her long journey to finally leave her husband, grown children, and in-laws, and ultimately find her own identity, which had been suppressed for years under the guise of being a "traditional wife."
The show when it began was really on point about a lot of things. The woman her whole life, only lived for her family, because that was what she was taught by her mother when she was married off. Everything she did out of love for her family was everything that was taken for granted. That show is such an eye opener about what it is actually like being a tradwife.
I'm impressed to hear such a show exists in India because looking from the outside as an American, India indeed seems very traditional ams I'm sure it is. But it's good to know that even TV is showing some of the pitfalls that can come from having to give so much of yourself for others.
In Nigeria, the show airs/aired on starlife. My mom used to/still watches it. I remember watching scenes, clips, adverts of the way Anupama was disrespected despite her personality and devotion to her family, God that made me almost cry. That's why i don't watch drama shows😂😂💔
@@BewareTheLilyOfTheValleyI don't know what it looks from outside but I have seen Indian women completely changing in my lifetime and I am just 29.Govt were promoting women education and lot of scheme were brought into action almost 20 yrs ago and thry all showed color bcz even the families who didn't want to educate girls, now they do bcz girls receive money and the amount increases after every step. In my state fir higher education they are getting really good amount. Just for the degree, you don't need to be from a reputed clg. Also they are being reservation in govt exams in many states (in mine the reservation is there). Now every girl is thinking of job, earning money and getting higher education. Thry are dreaming big and since that results in even the family getting respect from society, more and more ppl are now treating their own daughters better and just like sons unlike how it was even 20 yrs ago. My mom treats me just the same as my brother and I could see she was the exception. Now many are doing that.
There is a Marathi version called "Aai Kuthe Kaay Karte?" which translates to "What does Mom/Mother do?"
it started fine but has derailed but yeah it does show a side which can definitely happen and it is not pessimistic but practical.
There’s a book called “The Way We Never Were” that’s all about how the idea of the “traditional family” is mostly nonsense and how the ideal family changes all of the time based on the economic situation of the time.
Ohhhh written by Stephanie coontz....... Shre also wrote about marriage
Ironically most successful couples consists of a couple where the wife stays home and looks after the kids. Me and my husband are 100% debt free and save $55k/yr as a 1 income family with 4 kids. I have the time to cook daily, clean myself, shop around for deals on everything, my husband doesn’t have to take off work to take the kids to the doc or stay home when they’re sick, etc. Plus daycare is criminally high in the USA and they look awful with subpar caregiving (I always hear daycare workers yell at even babies)
@reviewsbygen5591 i worked in childcare for 6 years. As a single mom had no choice.. got out as soon as my kid was in school. And it's heartbreaking seeing people who genuinely don't like kids working with them. I get that it's hard and I understand that state ratio for adult to children is borderline criminal and I understand admin and parents can be shit when they aren't in the classroom with you but my God if you don't like the job leave. no infant should be getting yelled at.
@@de5072 oh yea I could never work in a daycare. I have too much compassion for kids and I can not stand adults yelling at babies. I used to live next to a daycare so I just heard and saw certain things that were not ok.
not nonsense, American society was far superior when there were traditional marriages/family. What we have today is not natural hence look how bad people are turning out.
I was a trad wife. This was before all this. House had to be spotless, I had to be dressed up and make-up done and hair done even if I wasn't leaving the house. It's mental torture to be June Clever everyday. It may sound good but no, it wasn't
You married a psycho
I'm grateful you're here. I'm grateful for the women, especially the older ones, who went through this the first time around, lived through it all and are still here to tell these young girls that the tradwife sales pitch is a lie. Thank you so much.
You were doing way too much, I just want a clean and quiet house some men ask for too much.
@@davidsimmons8447this thread is not the forum for you to flex your low requirements, fuck off
@@davidsimmons8447are you handicapped?
What I find sad about Hannah’s situation is that Daniel used his family’s ownership of JetBlue to get a seat next to Hannah when he wanted to date her and she was rejecting him. Now that he has her as his wife, he won’t get use his family’s ownership of JetBlue to get her tickets to Greece, which she really wants. It’s really sad because it seems like making Hannah happy (within budget and reason) doesn’t matter. It seems like it was all about Daniel from the beginning.
Daniel was a narcissist from the very beginning and he continues to be one. I am not sure that Hannah doesn't have some covert narcissistic qualities herself too. She likes to paint herself as a victim but people who know her say that she is very arrogant and cold in real life. She's just very good at acting.
Who are these people and how do you do two have time to keep up?
Does this mean the Trad Husband has to work 7 days a week 12 hours a day in a coal mine?
@@southfence7402 most guys barely know how to turn a wrench and change the oil on their car
The trad husbands yearn for the mines.
Don't be silly. This only applies to women. Can't inconvenience the man by making him adhere to the same traditional standards
Yes, Here lies the problem the guy expects from his better half but then he goes play video games
No the Trad Husband does not work 12 hours a day 7 times a week like the Wife! He works 8 hours and has free weekends! He is never seen COOKING or CLEANING or RAISING his kids other than teaching them to kick a ball.
If there were also TRAD HUSBANDS who claim “A man’s only and best role is being a stay at home Father who does all the COOKING CLEANING AND RAISING KIDS” - and say how he “SERVES HIS WIFE as a Husband” and “HOW HE SUBMITS TO HIS WIFE” To show his love.
😂😂😂 Well, then that would also be psychologically toxic but this misandry would balance out misogyny patriarchy.
But seriously, neither gender is INHERENTLY “MEANT TO LIVE IN THE KITCHEN”.
Shaming women for getting a Master’s Degree and building a career is TEXTBOOK Patriarchy.
My mother was a traditional wife in India, as in that she had to take care of house, kids and look always pretty until she was not exposed to outside world. As she met more people she slowly started taking stuff in her own hands, finances, financial decisions and everything, now my parents live happier and more cooperative than ever. And my mother always encourage me to be independent, socially and financially
"Traditional" wives have only existed since the industrial revolution brought out a bourgeoisie. 90% of families have never been able to afford one spouse staying at home throughout all of history.
Well crafted essay, thank you!
I think it's also important to note the importance of community and collectivist cultures, as well as how these things have been eroded away over the years. It's a lot easier to raise children and live if you have the support of a community and share resources!
It depends on what you mean. If you went back to any traditional society, women would have been the homemakers. They would have done the cleaning, cooking, and childcare. The difference is that if you went back to pre industrial times, they would have been doing additional tasks like caring for farm animals and making clothing. A trad wife really is a traditional wife minus some tasks that are no longer necessary, and with the addition of modern appliances.
@@ZoetheratWell, minus certain husbandry tasks, but those appliances (barring perhaps the washing machine) add labor like nobody’s business. Nobody much used to care if the (dirt) floor had crumbs or pet hair, nobody expected a clean set of clothes every week let alone a fresh set every day, the idea of more than one table setting worth of dishes per person was preposterous, homes were typically much smaller with fewer or no appliances to maintain or belongings to clean and tidy, no yards to mow or gutters to clear, there was no room to complain about menu planning limited to leek-and-potato soup or a lack of convenient, healthy, kid-friendly snacks, there were no routine doctor’s or dentist’s appointments or travel to book or PTA meetings or homeschooling or PSAT cram school or sports clubs or dance lessons to any significantly time-consuming degree… unless you were wealthy enough to have servants handling the period-appropriate analogues to all these things.
Our standards for both housing and a good domestic life (and good childrearing) have shot into the stratosphere along with all the technology, to a standard only the rich used to manage (again, with the aid of servants or even slaves.) The most backbreaking work may be gone, but the expectations today for household consumption are just *nuts* - and almost completely atomized, with no community support to speak of - even the insourced labor we used to expect of kids; you can get your children seized by CPS for letting tweens babysit while you go to market, or ten year olds occupy themselves by walking to the creek with their friends and fishing poles, which were fairly expected contributions from older kids once upon a time!
The healthcare, nutrition, and (in some places) domestic violence legislation are better today, but I don’t think I’d call it significantly less work. A lot of that work may be seen as optional by some people, but for a SAHM to maintain her position, her husband needs to firstly agree and secondly not care about keeping up with the Joneses. She is uniquely subject to societal judgement - because she is functionally proof of her husband’s wealth, and because of her “free time” - if she doesn’t have the financial resources to stand on her own, and her safety derives from her husband remaining impressed with his domestic life while immersed in an advertising culture always depicting the most extravagant of everything, the standard pretty rapidly becomes totally unmanageable.
Feminism didn't "ruin" anything for women. It just gave us a choice. Honestly, no one is stopping you to live as traditional wife from whatever century you want. You are not forced to work and be "modern woman" whatever you define that it is. You have a choice. That's what matters. That is why I am a feminist, I like the choice. It's not about hustle, being girl boss, or competing with men. I don't care about those. I just like having a choice, and not being forced to live as others think I should.
My mother and father chose to have my mother stay at home with my brother and I. She had access to the joint bank account and does the finances to this day. My dad probably didn’t help as much as he does now around the house but in his defence, he was getting his masters degree, which took 8 years due to it being a correspondence course (this was pre-internet days, Cold War era) had two children and a wife… in fact they had one car for most of my first 4 years of life. My mother drove my dad to work and picked him up every evening. She definitely was the parent who usually took us to doctors appts, volunteered at school, made meals, washed clothes, cleaned up the house (with our help) but my dad would often give us bathes, read to us, put us to bed and spend time with us after work just so my mother could go to the store alone - after an afternoon of breaking up fights between her two eaglets! note: eaglets are limited to 2-3 usually two, and only the first to hatch will usually live to leave the nest. The other will be killed by his older sibling(s)and eaten bc nothing goes to waste! in their defence, this is just survival of the fittest and completion for mating rites is fierce due to inherently ingrained monogamy. In our defence, I kindly let my younger brother live and eat. I even let him breathe the same air as me and look out my car window. 😂😂😂😂and the hard-backed textbook to his head was deserved.
We are not a religious family. They just did-not want to pay for daycare which was still expensive in the 80’s. It was tight. We took few vacations. There was pressure on my dad to provide which he has always done well enough though he had to turn down some job offers due to the lower pay and despite the higher status. The only reason they were in a house was because my grandparents thought they needed a house before having children but they couldn’t have afforded it. They paid my grandparents and ho bought the house outright - after my uncle embezzled $79,000 from his company and was told to either pay it back or go to prison. Yeah so they felt like it wasn’t fair to do that for my uncle but not do anything for my dad, who wouldn’t have cared, mind you. IF anything he probably thought he should’ve been charged with the crime but my uncle never did anything like that again. He did cheat on his various wives, but that’s more a moral judgement which I’m not inclined to make. LA/Pasadena/Burbank, CA got to his head in middle age.
I was with a BS man for 8 years… and yes, he did everything for me, all my friends told me I was so lucky and they were jealous. Yes, he completely controlled our finances. I was not allowed to drive anywhere. Death and medical issues put us in the worst position. We had long stopped loving each other by the time I left. I will spend my 30s cleaning up my financial mess, but my life is so much better in every way.
i grew up in a traditional country, guess what 95% of tradwives told us? TO NOT DO IT
My mom is a working women. And she also told me TO NOT DO IT.
😂
It's such a broad topic of traditional women vs modern women. That not one person can fully articulate it Because everyone has different experiences thus different biases.
@@saimashupti469 as a whole, working women tell others to not work and instead be a tradwife? unfortunately there is dv and it can end badly
then y doesn't she stop working? no one forces her to work but a lot of women are forced to stay home
no one is trying to ban women from staying home like women were and are banned from public life to this day eg afghanistan
@@StefanTafyes, they are. Many men don't want to support women anymore or can't afford to.
I'm not surprised at all. lol.
@@StefanTaf have you seen this economy?? If I could I would totally stop working and be a sahm. But it's not an option for me. I'm forced to work. I was supposed to be a sahm when I met my child's father and got pregnant. His life blew up in his face and thus my life blew up.
Sorry, but I do feel like Nara and Hannah are absolutely pushing the "Trad wife" narrative despite being business women. I think a bit of nuance that you missed in regard to these two is that they are Mormon. They are espousing beliefs that are religious in nature at their core. They are not just pretty influencers that happen to like cooking...their videos portrait a lifestyle they fully believe in. Hannah Alonzo and The Financial Diet both made really good videos that get more in-depth on the religious ideation that is also underlying these videos.
@@TheSlightestChic Oh I was thinking the same thing about Hannah Alonzo's video! Love her stuff.
Yeah Emily Mariko is wealthy but she’s not pretentious with her content in my opinion
I agree-I generally love Cara’s video but this one did miss the mark for me in that I think it’s missing that the business they’re selling is this lifestyle, even if they’re not living like most “trad wives” might. And the point about cooking content creators that are male not having the same gender roles attached to their content-I think that’s also true for many women creating food-centered content! The difference is that these women are selling the lifestyle, not the meals (like Nara’s videos where she’s making something from scratch before her husband gets home from work vs other creators just making the recipe without the attached meaning of doing it for your hard working husband)
Cara talks about how ballerina farm is a brand and business around 13:35 . And mentions Nara around 14:43
Thanks so much for your comment and for watching! :) I totally get where you're coming from. It’s clear that people feel strongly about how Nara and Hannah present themselves, but I’d argue that the idea that they are overtly pushing a religious lifestyle is a bit more complicated.
I think a lot of times, we as an audience project outside information onto influencers, crafting a narrative that might not be entirely accurate. While they may be Mormon (and I have lots of thoughts about how Mormonism, and really religion in general is steeped in patriarchy), I’m not sure it’s fair to conclude that their content is about promoting religious beliefs at its core. From what I’ve seen, neither Nara nor Hannah actively evangelize or even explicitly mention their faith in the vast majority of their videos. We, as viewers, might be connecting dots that haven’t been drawn by them explicitly because they fit into broader motifs we recognize, like the ‘tradwife’ narrative.
This is definitely a gray area, so I understand that everyone will have their own interpretations. And over time, opinions including my own may evolve! But I do think there's a tendency to jump to conclusions-especially when it comes to intent. We often assume a particular agenda is at play when what’s really happening could be more about aesthetics, personal preference, or just sharing a slice of life rather than an overt attempt to shape cultural or religious norms.
For instance, take the criticisms Ballerina Farm faced in the past about "cosplaying poverty." People saw her rustic aesthetics and assumed she was making light of financial struggle, even though she never implied that was her reality. Similarly, Nara and Hannah might choose to portray a family-centered life that includes cooking and having more children than average. This might be informed by their upbringing or religious background, but it doesn't necessarily mean they’re pushing that lifestyle onto others.
I think there's a space to talk about how certain lifestyles may be normalized within religious communities, but I don't think it’s always productive to conflate someone's personal life choices with an intentional agenda to promote a specific religious worldview-especially when they aren't openly discussing their faith in their content.
Perhaps a more helpful way to approach this conversation would be to explore how patriarchal institutions (including religious ones) might indirectly influence these lifestyles. But that doesn't mean every portrayal of domestic life is an attempt to push an agenda.
Sorry for the novel of a comment there, but this is a really interesting topic that you bring up and I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts :)
i am glad that i can attend secondary school and go to university and have actual choices in life instead of working on a field my whole life like my ancestors. idk why someone wants to go back to this lifestyle (especially as a woman, they had absolutely no rights back then).
edit: by "this lifestyle" i mean hardcore christianity not agriculture
Isnt it weird how they say you donr need to work buuuut they make bank acting like a trad wife for social media 😂
yeah...highly hypocritical, they make money telling women not to make their own money...😅🤔
@@for833it’s most likely rage bait. They know that they are doing and most of them don’t cohere to an actual tradition life
Of all the tradwife influencers ,this one sticks with me. If she had taken a flight just one day later, her whole life would have been different. She lost so much and is trying to put on a brave face after losing her life's dream and having to bear 8 children to an indifferent husband...
The only place where I can quietly accept someone "submitting" to their husband and calling him the "head of the household" is within the BDSM community, where such arrangements are intensely discussed before implementation and adjusted as needed.
For centuries, families simply could not afford to have only one income. Women worked the gardens, brewed beer, took care of the livestock in medieval times; they worked in factories and households (my grandmother trained to be a housemaid when she was 15, right before WW1), and those forty years between WW2 and women's liberation were the only time when the whole tradwife esthetic occurred. Of course, there was also marital rape, no contraception, women had no right to divorce, own money or land, they were drugged out of their mind when they got "hysterical" once their husband had a mistress, and in the end they died poor and bitter because they didn't have any pension or savings to life off in old age.
And let's not forget that the tradwife esthetic is extremely white, because who would want to roleplay a black woman from the 1950s?
I can’t imagine something scarier than being financially dependent on someone
Both partners having access to all the financial accounts really resonates with me. My aunt is a boomer but worked full time her whole adult life. She let her husband, my uncle, have complete control of their finances. He went through every financial mistake like a check list. He financed huge unnecessary purchases, signed up for an MLM, bought a time share, and spent her share of my Grandma's inheritance on a truck lease. They don't have the truck anymore.
To be fair, my aunt always co-signed when necessary but that's almost worse. Now that my aunt is 69 and passed retirement age, the family is not just starting to learn that my uncle lost all of their savings to crypto scams. It's only this year that the family has stepped in and set my aunt up with her own bank account. But that doesn't change the fact that my aunt is 69, has no money and will probably have to work until the day she dies.
My mom is the same age as your aunt and made a huge mistake by letting my dad run up her credit card debt. It’s been over 10 years and she’s still affected to this day. That is why I believe couples should have a joint account to pay bills that is monitored by both, but each need to have their own personal accounts and borrowing money from each other should be off the table. People get weird when it comes to money so finances absolutely need to be handled before marriage.
Even in Little House on the Prairie books, which are a romanticization of the author’s American pioneer upbringing, we can see as clear as day that Ma has little power in the relationship while Pa drags her further and further West, against her will, and often leaves her alone to take care of the family. He even has her help him BUILD A LOG CABIN and a log falls on her ankle while the family is in the middle of fucking nowhere. That’s the romanticized account. I tremble to think how it actually was.
Even Jane Austen's novels back in the 18th century critique the dependence of women on marriage for economic security and now some people are wanting to go back to that.....makes no sense to me.
The funny part to me is that there are people online who have said those books inspired their dads to live like that where they go off the grid and try to build their own house and it was absolute hell. This is why romanticization is dangerous.
Like if those women want to willingly agree to that arrangement that’s her issue, but then pretending like they’re better than the rest of us just makes it obvious that they’re trying to prove they don’t regret their choices
I also have an issue with the pretending like they are doing things better than working women. I get an air of disdain from those videos, like "look how perfect I am and you are not", "I'm truly feminine because I do this and you are not because you work". BS
@@for833 It’s such bs, and notice how their brand of feminine is very cookie cutter? Prairie dress with long blonde hair, makeup, along with a soft child-like voice, etc. It’s pretty bland.
This movement assumes that every woman wants to be a homemaker and wants the same things but feminism gave us the right to choose whether you want to become a career woman or homemaker or whatever you want to be. Also these influencers are working. You’re curating , editing and marketing your videos , that’s work
@@carofantastic 100% this!
The other side of the coin assume that all women want to climb the corporate ladder and be boss bitches. The only one who can decide what they want out of life is each individual themselves
I hate all these stupid trends from the Internet, none of them are reality they are a show scripted from start to finish to sell video time so that those that make them can make bank. Stop watching these people
Feminism has never truly given us the right to choose. It's often been framed as either being a career woman or a failure-a 'broke' woman, as they tend to view traditional women, unfortunately
@@mrw9089 Traditional women usually are broke and miserable. That’s not making them out to be failures. That’s just the reality for many of them including where I’m from. Let’s be real about that.
@@mrw9089ppl are always going to have opinion and disagree. Feminism is an ideology but that doesn’t mean everyone follows it the same. In a way, u can say that about every ideology
I do wonder what the average woman in 14th Century England would say if you showed her these "Traditional Wife" lifestyles - they are only "traditional" in that they depict one (relatively short) era of history in one country for one socio-economic group...
An average woman in 14th Century England clearly wouldn't have been able to relate to women cooking, cleaning, and taking care of children. She would have asked why they aren't attending college and becoming boss babes.
@@Zoetheratwomen actually were very involved outside of the home. The family has a tavern? The woman brews ale, cooks, serves customers. The family has a farm? The wife makes cheese and sells it at the market. The husband is a fisherman? The woman sells the fish. Women often took care of budgeting. The family might have pensioners to round up the income, and the woman would take care of it. They were often employed as servants or cooks for richer families. They spun wool for cloth not just for their families but to sell. Women have worked all through history for money, and having a capable wife who could generate income was seen as a big plus.
@@Cloudsandcurls1303 Someone from the past would view the trad wives as having a wealthy, non agricultural lifestyle. However, the division of labor by gender would have seemed completely normal to them, as would have the domestic tasks being the woman's responsibility. And this makes sense. After all, the gender expectations of the 1950s didn't just pop out of no where. They were inherited from previous generations, but adjusted for a less agricultural and wealthier society. You didn't have to churn your own butter or spin your own wool anymore once technology and manufacturing processes made it more cost effective to just buy the end products.
Lets go into why gender roles even existed. As a society gets more complex, it gets job specialization. The most basic step in this is to give women one set of tasks and men the other. So which tasks do you give to the women? Well, women in the past had more kids at earlier ages, and given this reality, it made sense to give them the tasks that they could more easily do while pregnant, nursing, and/ or taking care of children. That's why they were the ones doing the things you mentioned, like churning butter or spinning wool, in the first place.
So what would women from the past think of the 1950s trad wife? It would seem like a wealthy version of life, but gender roles, being responsible for domestic affairs, and having kids would all be things that they could relate to. By contrast, the typical life of upper middle class women today, where they come out of college in their 20s, establish any career they want, and then start having kids in their 30s (if at all) would not be as relatable.
@@Cloudsandcurls1303 I posted my reply and it's not here for some reason, so i'll repost this-
Someone from the past would view the trad wives as having a wealthy, non agricultural lifestyle. However, the division of labor by gender would have seemed completely normal to them, as would have the domestic tasks being the woman's responsibility. And this makes sense. After all, the gender expectations of the 1950s didn't just pop out of no where. They were inherited from previous generations, but adjusted for a less agricultural and wealthier society. You didn't have to churn your own butter or spin your own wool anymore once technology and manufacturing processes made it more cost effective to just buy the end products.
Lets go into why gender roles even existed. As a society gets more complex, it gets job specialization. The most basic step in this is to give women one set of tasks and men the other. So which tasks do you give to the women? Well, women in the past had more kids at earlier ages, and given this reality, it made sense to give them the tasks that they could more easily do while pregnant, nursing, and/ or taking care of children. That's why they were the ones doing the things you mentioned, like churning butter or spinning wool, in the first place.
So what would women from the past think of the 1950s trad wife? It would seem like a wealthy version of life, but gender roles, taking care of domestic affairs, and having kids would all be things that they could relate to. By contrast, the typical life of upper middle class women today, where they come out of college in their 20s, establish any career they want, and then start having kids in their 30s (if at all) would not be as relatable.
@@Cloudsandcurls1303 I replied to you, but either youtube or the content creator keeps erasing my response, so i give up.
"It's not about assuming that the worst is going to happen..." Why not? Why not also assume and take into consideration that the worst is going to happen? One must be prepared for all scenarios in life. This is why we get insurance for literally anything and everything.
If he wants a stay at home wife, he should have the money for that and put money monthly in her bank account that he has no access to. That's her money for her honest labour.
Regarding the mid-century ideals, I think ppl often forget that those ideals were a method of getting women away from the factories and jobs they had during war time. It was in some ways a forced sexism because women lost their jobs and were heavily encouraged to stay home and perform unpaid work while looking pretty and being pleasant. In contrast to previously having been employed with very few men around to tell them what to do, say and think.
I love your take on this topic. I have seen a lot of videos discussing tradwives and by far this is my favorite; very elaborate and you covered the finances aspect really well. I'm a therapist and I see a lot of women who are stay at home moms coming to see me for different reasons, sometimes it's domestic violence and being unable to leave because of their financial situation, sometimes it's they no longer feel happy in their marriage, but have to stay because they have nowhere else to go. My problem with the Instagram depiction of tradwives is that it presents a blissful image of being a tradwive that is not the reality, as you so accurately mentioned. Being a SAHM is an incredibly hard job and it's a very unrecognized job, most men/husbands don't recognize the incredible amount of work that taking care of the home and kids on a daily basis is and they often expect the house to be tidy and dinner cooked and a bunch of expectations as if their wife was lying around watching TV all day while they were working.....that can be very detrimental for one's mental health if you don't have any other outlets like going out or being involved in the community in some way. I'm worried that younger generations might see this and think "oh that seems nice, I don't have to work and I will just be happy" when that's not the reality of life unfortunately. Women didn't fight to get out of those gender roles for no reason, a lot of them were miserable back in those days and there was no way out, not even divorce was a thing....
That’s the part, I don’t understand. The way girls/women truly believe that a man will pay for them for nothing is insane. And yes it’s for nothing because they don’t value housework or cooking. That’s one of the reasons why financial abuse happens. So we always need to have our own. Even if a man provides, over time he can change his mind and start with holding funds when he starts to think it’s unfair that his wife gets to stay home all day. It’s just how it is.
I appreciate the social science research showing the benefits of working parents, as someone who always felt like I benefited a lot from having a mom who worked throughout my childhood because of the life she modeled for me. I also remember reading years ago that the level of education a mother has (and not fathers) is directly proportional to the level of education her kids tend to achieve - regardless of the kids' gender. Obviously that's separate from the question of staying-at-home, as plenty of stay-at-home moms are educated - but since the "tradwife" lifestyle is increasingly promoting dropping out of or entirely skipping college, I think that's pretty relevant. It's also relevant when so many of them seem to promote, like in these videos, the idea of not being intellectually curious and men telling you what to think.
(Sidenote: My mom is a lawyer and now a high school social studies teacher. She's always been passionate and informed about politics, and she's talked to women who took that view - of letting their husbands tell them what to think about politics - and whenever she talks to those husbands they're nearly always very politically ignorant and misinformed. Just like how you shouldn't outsource your finances, don't outsource your politics to him either! If you aren't informed, how can you know enough to judge for yourself that he is?)
My mom was a SAHM and she was great at it. She loved it. Now she’s trying to divorce my terrible dad and is going to need a lot of help reentering the workforce and leaving him. Plan for the worst yall
I always think the idea that Mad Men promotes this 50s housewife ideal can only come from people who don't watch the show, who just love its sumptuous aesthetics. It's pretty clear even from early episodes that the housewife lifestyle ends up making those female characters miserable, and that they're ultimately more fulfilled by social and financial independence. Betty's and Joan's whole character arcs are about this, in different ways. I'm always telling people to watch it because it's one of the greatest TV shows ever made and my personal favorite, but also - it's always how funny how much (and not just in this way, either) the popular conception of Mad Men by people who don't watch it vs. the actual story of the show, are so different and often opposites.
my aunt & uncle divorced after 21 years of marriage .. my uncle cut my aunt's health plan. and he knows she is unemployed with no savings at all. lesson learned do a prenup when marrying someone.. you never know. and also, have your own bank account.. and build your own credit score.. and also my uncle put his mistress on his insurance policy all along instead of my aunt.. so that's f up.. yeah.. marriage can be beautiful.. but don't ever think your life will depend on your marriage.. you have to choose what's best for you and having your own money is the best thing you can give yourself.. you can love and serve someone but don't destroy yourself in the process...
Worked in banking 30 years ago . I’d have to deal with these sobbing old ladies calling in cuz their husband had died and they were finding out they were in horrendous debt . These were women who never had a Social Security number!! They were homemakers and took care of the kids . Husband was supposed to handle the $$$$ and the care of her . Turns out he sucked at it and she was paying the price in her old age .
Regarding raising children, people miss the possibility of the father also contributing to it. I think that if you're going to have kids, you need to be prepared to take time off work to spend A LOT of time with them during their formative years, but that should apply to both parents in equal amount!
But it never does
It’s so scary how some people glorify financial dependency to an unhealthy extent. Especially when it comes down to stuff like prenups; if you can’t discuss finances with your partner (especially if thats already the case when you are not in a dire financial situation) you should not get married or at least not yet. Unfortunately, some people deal with toxic relationships, their partner cheats, their partner unfortunately passes or their partner (or they themselves) get into a hobby or even addiction that could cause the other person financial issues. At that point, when you have crossed normal circumstances, there is nothing more romantic than having protected you(r partner) from financial disaster due to the other’s issues or behaviour. That’s why a prenup (in my opinion) shows care, love and that you both realise that life can sometimes change or be hard. If you have no experience running finances and something happens, you’re left to your own devices. Better to be safe than sorry then ❤️
Honestly, I think most of the trad wife posts online are rage bait. That's not what the average "trad wife" lives like 99% of the time. And the ones that do try to live up to that standard hate it because of how impossible it is.
Yup it’s all about creating controversy to drive clicks and make money
They’re like toxic Facebook couples, trying to show the world how happy they are lol
Absolutely. Like when the hubby gave Hannah the egg apron for her birthday. That was so obviously done for rage clicks and I can't believe how people fell for it. I bet off-camera he treated her to a nice, expensive day at a spa.
my mom and dad both worked but my dad even though he made more money he was financially irresponsible, and my mom worked the hardest trying to make sure the debt was under control and in the end, it was tore their marriage apart and made them miserable. I think that no matter who contributes the most in the relationship financially, if they don't have healthy spending habits and good morals when it comes to the value of money the marriage is in danger and that unhappiness is poison for the family. 1 person in the marriage can't work harder than the other, they both need to make sure they are contributing to the family and give their spouses each 100% of themselves to each other, they may not be perfect but the values of making sure both are not being more selfish than the other is the most efficient thing to do and ultimately (in my opinion) the best thing they can do for their family, because finance is only 1 aspect of what a relationship needs, it's not the whole.
I fully believe this. My dad was what we call (insert forbidden word) rich. It’s when you’re able to make a million or two dollars at a time, but blow it on bad investments or spending irresponsibly. So even though he was able to make money, he was always in debt and he even blew out my momma’s credit card and it’s ruined everything, so when people say marry rich. I disagree. It should be marry generously because there are a lot of women with rich husbands who don’t get a dime.
Even as a child growing up in a fundie-conservative family, I hated the idea of becoming a traditional wife and mother. I used to play dress up with other girls but would dress up in boy's clothing and say I was going to be a business woman or a lawyer - Ironically I am a legal editor now, instead of a lawyer.
The fact that I'm even married now is a miracle, and solely because I found someone who was able and willing to be equal to me in every way, including home labor. If he hadn't, I would never have gotten married or had a long-term relationship that was monogamous.
I would also like to point out I don't know how people can afford to be trad wifes in this economy. In my country (Spain) I couldn't afford to be one even if I wanted to. My fiance is an engineer and I'm a doctor and we're counting on only having 1 or 2 kids bc we simply can't afford 3 which is what we wanted, and we are the higher earning ones of our society...
It’s simple really. It’s their choice. In my culture women gladly choose to live on a man’s income even though it causes them and their kids to live in poverty. Them playing house is more important than their children crying that they’re hungry. Thats why I don’t support anyone becoming a trad-wife if their husband doesn’t make enough. Because I was one of those kids. The amount of wives I read about who say they make it work on 50k a year disgusts me. Their kids usually go hungry.
My spouse and I don’t have access to each others financials, other than a single shared credit card. We were on very different financial footings when we got married and have chosen to keep it that way for at least the first few years while he is getting his business going. However, we had a full financial disclosure well before we married, and meet quarterly to go over the overall finances as well as his business finances. The key for us is simple transparency.
It’s not just because she cooks, there were huge red flags in the Ballerina Farms story! The whirlwind romance that saw her give up a very promising career and his manipulation of her.
I once saw a tiktok where the person pointed out how ridiculous it would sound, if the tradwives would use their husbands' actual names when talking about "submitting" to them. "I have to submit to Kevin" just doesn't have the same gravitas, right? 😂
Also, i think that everyone should watch tradwife content with their brain turned on. It's always business content in one way or other, and should not be taken as real life advice.
I hope this video gains much more traction in a good way because the insights here are really really beneficial and so clearly presented! I love how nuanced your criticism is and that the video comes with really solid financial advice that applies to all of us. Thank you for the time put into research, filming and editing!
If you want to have more time and energy to take care of kids, join a union.
Love you Cara. I’m a first gen American from immigrant parents and the part from 12:27 “those who feed you can starve you” really resonates with me. I got kicked out and your videos help me shift my perspective a lot to be mindful when I’m on minimum wage 😂
I mean, that’s why dowers exist, and why communities are traditionally much more close knit, so that if the marriage doesn’t work out for whatever reason, or ends early, the wife has something to live on in the former case and in the latter case can shack up with family until she gets things sorted out. You’re absolutely right though that tradwives ought take up a cottage industry of some fashion.
Preemptively; A *Dowry* is paid by the bride’s family to the groom to help set up the newlyweds’ household, a *Dower* is paid by the groom to a trust in the bride’s name as insurance.
Those who claim to be trad wives are those who can afford to be one.
If anyone's wondering, Abby Shapiro recently ended her TH-cam channel and is now only focusing on her paid SubStack content and IG.
Going into any relationship (marriage or only living together) where only one person have an income, a job or an educational background and the other one doesn't (or chooses not to), sounds to me like choosing to jump out of a plane together and trusting that your partner with the parachute is gonna hold onto you when both of you jump. Better to have a parachute of your own. Not because of a lack of trust to your partner. You are your partner before anyone else and relationships shouldn't jeopardize the individual.
Victims but they don’t know it yet.
give them 15 years
I think a good video idea could be 'Deinfluencing halloween decor/buying new costumes every year.'" (:
oh yes!!
What I find strange is that the only choices presented to women are either work 9 to 5 or be a trad wife. Eh, hello? Aren't there other jobs a woman can do and be happy, fulfilled and take care of her family (if she wants one)?
You can do both. A 9 to 5 isn’t always in an office, and plenty of people raise good families with assistance from a day care, sitter, or with help from other family members. The point is to be realistic about it. That’s how you can have the best and worst of both worlds.
The weirdest thing about living in the country and being a trad wife was, everyone brought me their junk. If it was some old couch they would just show up with it, or some old table ect....I spent more time and gas taking things to second hands shops to donate. Then people would bring me their old clothes. Like once it was a dress with fish that the eyes moved. Like am I wearing that to feed the cows?
Funny how Nara and Hannah have both said they aren't trad wives 🤔
Like these people are to busy project on them to actually listen, you see Nara's husband taking Cara of the kids and cooking as well like how is that a tead related
I would love to see a whole video about prenups and setting a stay at home salary. I’m assuming social security won’t know about it for calculating it pay out.
Would love to see a deep dive on Elizabeth Warren and dual income trap as well.
"Trad wives" genuinely confuse me. No matter how hard I try, I cannot picture a situation where I would enjoy such a situation.
It’s the lack of dependence and always being under their husband that scares me. I’m from a poor area, so the trad-wives I’ve seen have been incredibly miserable and tell others not to do it.
Also, entering the workforce later in life is much harder because of ageism.
and luck of experience
Along with, "We forget the stories of those who are not the wealthy," we also forget the stories that aren't from mainly white European countries or heritages. The lifestyle my Shoshone grandmother and great-grandmother lived in the USA is nothing like what they'd have lived if they were white. A lot of different cultures had vastly different roles and expectations of people, some cultures are even heavily matriarchies that even in situations with women in the home the way they were treated and the power they had was so different.
I look at the life my grandmother had, being taken from her reservation as a child and raised in a white family, then marrying a white man but still becoming a nurse and embracing being a powerful woman -- I look at the lives of my grandmothers before her, I look at the small farms they build and history of working together as equals to survive on the reservation when the country was working to hinder them every step of the way, and that life was nothing like the European version of traditional.
I am probably a lot more conservative than you, but I liked this video more than I thought I would! Thanks for acknowledging the differences between the aesthetic trad life and normal SAHM life. My husband and I have made different amounts in different seasons. I have to say my favorite arrangement is the one we have now where I work from home part time and care for the kids/ home stuff the other part of the time. Except he always does dishes because I just… don’t. 😝 I’m also a fixer, so I appreciate people like Joanna Gaines demonstrating that women can use tools because I do a ton. I personally think we need to get rid of the 40 hour work week so that more families can care for their kids. When so many people have to move for work, they don’t have a support system and end up having to pay someone for childcare. Then the more demand for childcare, the higher the prices get.
I love working my simple job 2 days a week. The other 5 days, I take care of my daughter, the house and my husband. It's the best!
"I never dreamed of labor" becomes a housewife, where domestic labor is their entire life 24/7.
Everything needs a balance. It all depends on circumstances. Hating on traditional wives is not ideal.
Turkish here, in addition to weaving, women were actively involved in farming and livestock in villages in Ottoman Empire. I’m not talking about “bourgeoisie” naturally.
I agree, that's why my wife and I have a joint account and our individual account.
People forget that it's just content on the internet created by content creators
.. it's not that deep
The set up camera to record every aspect of your day is gross. You literally have to know how to film it and then your life is a commercial ad. Weird, I mean absolutely weird!!!
So, the egos of traditional men need a lot of propping up. Got it!
yes!!! this topic is so fascinating to me, i'm so glad you covered it!!!
I can have the "tradwife" aesthetic by simply wearing dresses from the 50's and prior eras and I can still make bread from scratch for myself after coming home (my workdays are mon-fri 06:00-14:00) if baking is my hobby.
I could just become a farmer outright, if I am SO hell-bent on wanting to milk cows and tend to fields.
I don't need a man and 5+ children running around the house for that.
The thing is, using aesthetic and idyllic video content to promote anti-feminist ideas and financial and other potential for abuse (especially for women to be the victim of that) is just insidious AF.
Women have worked ever since, but in patriarchial societies, their work has always been undervalued and played off as "unimportant", despite having been and still being THE MOST IMPORTANT.
Whoever thinks about following the "Trad Wives" trend, should go watch the movie "Raise the Red Lantern" 😌😌😌
Amazing video, even got me to question lots of my values as a feminist myself! The whole he pays for dinner and two years later he controls your finances thing made my head gears start turning, thank you cara! :)
20:28 those study results will be in the next Mother's day card for my mom! She was always a working mom and she did great. After I changed schools I was the only child in my class that had a working mother. Years later she would tell me that the other moms in the class berated her for working instead of staying at home.
You can market anything to anyone if you make it look beautiful and glamorous. I'm not against traditional wives. It's worked out for many people but it doesn't work or look the way it's portrayed on social media and what people are really drawn to is the carefully curated pictures they've seen on social media. It's marketing. It's manipulation and it applies to everything else. Think about small underground artists compared to global popstars. Everyone wants to be a Beyonce and a Taylor Swift but not the unknown artist making and performing music for the love of it because there's no wealth, fame or glamour.Think about the Baby Moma culture within the music entertainment industry. People overlook it's detrimental effects because of the wealth and glamour involved. Normal, average women who become baby momas deal with a ton of struggle. Therefore , the trad wife movement is a glamorous lifestyle with a different aesthetic; that's what's truly being sold.
Are we really going backwards like this? Seriously? After all the revolutions, emancipations, digitalization, etc. Is this what the world expects women to be?
Trad wife and sahm is very different. Sahm is usually because the family decided it’s better and more financially beneficial for one parent to stay home and look after the kids when they’re little. I have 4 kids and daycare would be $1k more expensive than my income. I cannot afford to work 😂 my mom was a sahm and is celebrating her 47th anniversary with my dad. Being a sahm isn’t good for most American women who sometimes are toxic independent but I’m foreign from a small village. I don’t need the big flashy corporate career and the shiny BMW in the driveway.
I’d argue the financial risks and precautions still apply for sahms though :) thanks for watching btw!
@@thefinancialfreedomgirl yes but that’s why we have joint accounts. It’s not like I have no say in any of the spending. The cost of daycare just doesn’t justify me working at a $1k loss monthly. Like I would have to go in debt to work 😂
And make sure you are putting money away for your retirement as well
It's not just about having a BMW parked in the driveway or being toxic independent, most women don't have the luxury of not working as they are often living paycheck to paycheck even with very basic expenses. I have my own business, am a healthcare professional, yet I drive a Toyota and can't afford to not work, so it's not always about the flashy lifestyle like you put it. Although I agree that if daycare is $1000 more it doesn't make sense to work until the kids are school aged or if you could apply for subsidy.
@@for833 there is a difference between a single mom who has to work and a married couple. Like if the single mom doesn’t make enough to cover daycare, she will get subsidies. My husband is a high earner. My income as a Math teacher is pocket change compared to his so there no chance I would get governmental handouts 🤣 I just take my time and go back once all the kids are in school. There is no need for me to be worried or anything.
Your content is always very engaging Cara. Keep up the good work!!
Thank you so much!!
Loved your perspective on trad wives! I thoroughly enjoy every video you put out, they’re always so thoughtful and I appreciate you taking the time to explain details ❤ thank you for your content!
The traditional wife isn’t as traditional as we think it is. People used to live hand to mouth so the whole family would work the farms and fields together. Not just the “nuclear” family but the extended family as well. They were like small family businesses but the work directly supported the family.
Because of industrialization and bigger cities, we no longer need family farms. Now the parents go to work outside the home. A SAHM is just a woman that has decided to work for her husband/ family instead of going outside the home. He goes to work to pay for her to work at home.
If someone offered to bankroll your lifestyle, and asked you to clean their house, cook their meals and take care of their kids, would it really be that crazy to take it?
In my opinion couple should do whatever works for them, but that doesn’t mean not having protection net.
I think a fund equal to yearly expenses invested quite conservatively is great thing to have before marriage - it at least keeps both aware that if needed, she could leave.
I really recommend Dr Eleanor Janegas video on History Hit about working women in the Medieval period, and the roles they had were not limited to housework/farming/raising children etc 😊
I think the 'trad' set up can negatively impact men as well. Feeling the pressure of ensuring that enough money comes in to keep your partner can be overpowering. My husband struggles with his mental health, and if all the decisions were for him only, he would hate that. It's a very alpha male mindset and limits men. It can lead men to resist asking for help when feeling overwhelmed with the pressure of being in control of every decision. I don't dismiss the very real and dangerous position it can put women in. I just think about the men I know in my life and how it wouldn't be possible for them to have this lifestyle, nor would they want to actively choose it ❤❤❤❤
Oh, I'm early for this!
Always very interested in dissections of this modern phenomenon of "traditional" wives.
Looking forward to hearing your take on it!
excited for you to watch!!
Their marriage is only good because she still has a voice.
"A man is not a financial plan" as a man, I 100% agree, watching Caleb Hammer and seeing how many women go on there and say things like they believe a man should [financially] take care if a woman, and actively look for what is basically a sugar daddy.
Financial abuse is real, but it goes both ways, women also demand we play that role too, and gold diggers are real. Seen wayy too many people, men and women, get played and used like a bank account.
Tradwives are kinda cringe, i dont get the desire to go back to the 50s, just seems like larping to me.
You being up a good point. There are women who think men should pay for them for nothing, but on the opposite side are men who think women should do everything for them for free. They’re all basically the same. Thinking they should be catered to, but don’t want to cater back.
That confetti static effect…. There’s only like 5 unique patterns…
This content is incredibly valuable!
Thank you so much ☺️
I love this video... I wish it had included the role of heteronormativity in the way people view gender roles and domestic labor.
I think we should create the category of a "couple career" too because a lot of successful supposed "tradwifes" I know are actually just not employed because their husbands have all-encompassing careers where it wouldn't make sense logistically for the wife to have a separate career and both parties are happy with it. Like one partner having a normal job and the other partner sitting at home seems kinda lazy. But when one partner is a small-town doctor (a 24/7 job), or a local pastor, or even a CEO or something that involves lots of time, travel and energy then really the non-working partner is working in the same job too. Like how wives of doctors would get medical questions, or wives or CEOs would be expected to appear at important dinners or gatherings. Its the job of a queen of a small empire and not "I work and u do nothing"
Why some women cannot accept their desire to be trad wifes withiut all this religious and "logical" facts, proving "it has to be this way"...We can be ourselves without any excuses or explanations.
But if they dont really want this...its so sad(( and hard to imagine happy children in such families...
Success is when our desires fulfilled, no more no less.
Glasses era Cara is back 🤩
i appreciate such a nuanced view of this topic. it annoys me how this society likes to label everything and then run with whatever they think is right. nara smith never once said she was a trad wife or to live like her. and her cooking from scratch is actually a common trait for lower income people, they often have to make things cause they couldn't buy it or pay for someone else to do it. it's also for her health and much healthier to make things from scratch for most things. my mother did and we didn't have a lot of money. traditional values can coexist with a working woman and it always did, women have been working long before they got bank accounts. it very much should because if you give someone the power to feed you they have the power to starve you. a good partner will always strive to lighten their S/Os burden and bring security if they have no real reason not to
Women were not paid for their labor, is the point. Yes. But they have different types/approaches to this thing called labor. Going into labor is something a woman does. (A man can't)
And yet for this long period of time, the labor a woman does is compensated not equally to man but rather less fairly. I think this much must be acknowledged
5:00 Raising your own children and taking care of your husband (who, in turn, takes care of you) isn't 'domestic labor,' sis-it's a responsibility
The trad wife thing is interesting if this is what you want fine but always have a exit strategy !
Why is it lesser than to focus on building your family and give them love, instead of working as a slave to a corporation that will never care about you back? This also applies to men
People over consume to fill a hole in them that material possessions & status never will. But love can
there isn't really a choice between 'giving a family love' and 'working as a slave' hahahaha
@@StefanTaf some people work jobs where after taxes & daycare costs they’re almost net flat. In effect you would be working so you can pay other people to raise your kids. Or you could just consume less stuff and raise them yourself. Again this also applies to men.
@@earendil5884 i don't think scrubbing floors counts as quality time, if anything doing repetitive chores at home all day is more soul crushing
u can have a job u enjoy, as humans we need to feel purpose and be there for your kids, inspire them and guide them better in life
my mom is a surgeon and a great mom, she just doesn't like to cook
even if she broke even, which she doesn't, why not be a surgeon and have fun instead of making bad meals?
i live in a traditional country and it is the tradwives, not the feminists, that always warned us of this lifestyle
unfortunately, i see it all around me ending badly
@@StefanTaf I am a stay at home dad who traded a career to focus on raising my family. The greatest advantage kids can have in the modern world is a parent that is there for them.
If your mom makes a ton of money, helps people and you still had family raising you, then you aren’t the situation I’m referring to. I’m talking about most people barely scraping by
@@earendil5884 you are talking about people that hate their job and are making little, alright, of course i am sure there a lot like that, but then if u quit ur job, where is the money coming from? a partner? inheritance? benefits? how do u get health insurance? are u growing ur own food?
Glasses look good on you. Then again everything does. Interesting video Cara
I enjoy plenty of cooking content and most of the female content creators I enjoy give little to no indication about their marital status or personal lives. To my mind their content is equal to that of their male counterparts and focuses on the recipes without any ideology to it. It's just people who enjoy cooking.
Personally I don't really like Nara Smith's content due to the narration, I find her delivery isn't to my taste and I also think it's her proximity to the mic, which is just my opinion of course.
I may be a little iffy on her and her husband's relationship to the Mormon church, but I agree that Smith shouldn't count as a "trad wife" since she's still working as a model and technically she must get paid for her content.
I think Nara claimed she isn’t a trad wife. U can also see her husband participate in the cooking, cleaning and child rearing so that’s definitely not traditional
The only solution is a prenup or a post nup. Take it from those of us who learned the hard way.
I got here fast
speedy!! we love to see it :)
10:22 which movie/series is this?
Someone is looking after those kiddos while shes in bed for a week
'Trad wives' handled the household budgets... wives in the higher echelons managed the household... which included the budget.
Love this!
love your vids
he would not scream at me