One big thing I'm learning and developing more boldly since my autism discovery is, "Just say it." When I've reached some kind of limit I can say, "Sorry, I'm done." I don't owe it to the world to live a completely neurotypical life. It is my genuine prerogative to really be me, and especially when it is a matter of psycho-emotional (even visceral/physical) survival. It's okay now to be a..."singularity" with my own unique life-coordinates. But I must never assume others should know automatically. My responsibility is to "just say it." That's the hugest change since my discovery. I worked at hiding it all before...for 65 years. Now, there's still a job for me to do but it's an incomparably healthier and more liberating one.
One thing I have started doing with my son whenever I hear an intonation that sounds sarcastic or bitter or angry is to just tell him what I heard and ask if that was his intention. Most of the time he was just stating something and because he doesn't hear the differences in intonation he doesn't realize how what he is saying can be interpretated. It has saved our family so many misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
Wow. You're an amazing partner, Chris is very lucky to have you. Pretty much every relationship I've had has been other people trying to force me to act and live like other people and undermine all the challenges I have, in the vein of "This isn't a problem for me so it can't be a problem for you, you need to get over it", or they betray me in small ways all the time and expect me to constantly forgive them and be okay with it. It makes me happy to see such a working, empathetic relationship. Thank you for sharing.
My marriage counselor told me to just try being normal. Good news guys!!! Turns out we can all be neurotypical if we want we just never thought to try our whole lives and went through the various lifelong comprehensive and extensive pains of being different unnecessarily because we accidentally forgot to just try not to!
I live alone and have done so for 25 years now. I can't imagine somebody being that accommodating. Of course I only learned last year that I was autistic, so maybe that would make a difference. But Chris is lucky to have you.
Finding a spouse that is pays attention to detail and adjusts to the other’s needs is rare these days. I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 8, but I think I’m autistic. I’m going to get an official diagnosis soon at the age of 40.
Right? So many just don’t have the empathy or compassion meanwhile we can be super empathetic & compassionate. We also care to pay attention unlike most…
@@SunshineGrove04 I can also be selfish and overwhelming for others to be around. We have to also pay attention and adjust to their needs. It cannot just be about supporting us, that's codependency. I do just as much for my husband as he does for me, and I have had to go no contact with friends who have the same disabilities as me because they expect the world to cave for them while they adjust nothing for us.
@@NiaLaLa_V assuming what I meant is not very ideal. You have no clue who I am or what I am about or how much I give. I give to many & won’t stop yet I recognized I gave too much to people who couldn’t give the same back & no, none of them were neurodivergent, just self-entitled ‘friends’, exes, and family. Your situation is different and you chose to chastise those that deal with the same as you? In how you wrote it out, seems like you recognize how demanding you are so you stay away from people who struggle with the same. Make it make sense??.. ^^That’s a rhetorical question if you didn’t catch it. I really don’t care to hear what you have to say since you showed your true colors in all you wrote. Assuming, stigmatizing & chastising people who struggle with the same yet call them intolerable. Ever think that maybe perhaps people don’t want to be friends with you? ^^again, rhetorical question since how judge-y you are & seems as you wrote, that your husband is the only one who can put up with you since you are ACTUALLY self & over-demanding where I am pretty sure those that would be friends with you aren’t as selfish & over-demanding. Perhaps seek external help, might help ease the load off your husband at least. If anything, I feel for your husband having to tolerate/endure you. Enjoy your bubble. ✌️
Btw late diagnosis gets very over looked so if they dont think you're autistic but you are confident that you are, i would highly recommend getting another doctors option. Best of luck to you!🙏🏻
It is SO lovely to see this discussion framed from this point of view- what can the allistic person do to make the autistic partner feel better in the relationship, instead of the other way around. This was so lovely and compassionate and I hope I can experience this one day.
~:~ thank you ~:~ also adult discovered autistic (w/adhd & complex ptsd) working on believing i'm not just "too sensitive"/etc & can't just "get over it" (a lifetime of trying never felt good enough, lol) it's wonderful to imagine someone else might actually understand, accept & support my needs one day
My husband has ADHD, and I am AuDHD. My husband can scare me too, I can get so hyperfocused in a task or something that I do not notice him coming into the room. I have recently moved my office to a more open space and asked him to wave to get my attention instead of walking up behind me. As for getting through him and his hyperfocus on work or playing a computer game, i will put my hand on his shoulder to make sure I have his full attention. I am trying to get him to realize that when I am thinking or doing something that is hard for me switch focus, and try to get back to what I was doing after the interruption. However, I have to realize he has ADHD and sometimes cannot contain his wanting to speak about something that is on his mind right then and there.
So good that you both have understanding of the specific mechanisms that are at work in your behaviors and are able to respect one another like that. I'm encouraged...
This is so helpful! I'm going to share it with my spouse. Since I discovered I was autistic at age 65, he has made important adjustments. He now realizes how hard travel is for me, and gives me a lot of support. He prefers early morning flights, but I can't sleep the night before if I have to wake up early. So now, we never depart before 10 am. In airports, he pays attention to announcements, so I don't have to use my limited spoons for that. All I need to do is follow him.
I like your metaphor of “limited spoons!” I don’t know why because I don’t know what you mean; I only know what I think it means 😊. Can you tell me more about that? Did you make it up to describe yourself or did you pick that up somewhere? Just curious
@@honkytonkinson9787 I'm glad you like it! I can't take credit; I am borrowing from the concept of Spoon Theory, which was created by Christine Miserandino while trying to explain to a friend of hers why people with chronic conditions often have days when they can't do much. I would look up a video to share, but -- it's a low spoon day for me. Maybe others in the community can suggest a good resource.
@@honkytonkinson9787 search for "spoon theory", it's really helpful for understanding and articulating energy levels when you're disabled, chronically ill etc. :)
I'm single, totally, very rarely living in close quarters with anybody for extended periods, unless I'm visiting friends or family. Plus, I'm the autistic one, not the neurotypical person trying to figure out ways to live with an autistic person. All that said, I still get something out of this. It helps me to realize some things that others might innocently fail to understand about me, why I should be patient, and how I can help express clearly what is really going on.
I am autistic, adhd(?/on waiting list for assessment) with ptsd. My husband has adhd, autistic traits and ptsd. We are a rock together but it took a lot of work to get there. And for many years I've been doing what you are doing for/with Chris for/with my husband and I just sat here and realized why I am so flipping tired... Because I have been for him what I need help with too. No regrets, I love him dearly and gladly did it but it's just the realization... I guess. Now, there's a nice challenge to fidget with (pun intented). But, that being said, I totally know we can conquer this too. Thanks for being so open, it's really helpful. Also, you have a lovely smile because it's not just your mouth but your whole face that engages in it. Lovely to see!
The thing I and my (allistic) wife do is to remind ourselves that we love each other. That's really what it boils down to. We do not get along smoothly 100% of the time, but when we think of the love, respect, and commitment we have for each other, it gives us a broader perspective and makes the frustration and anger we feel in the moment dissipate.
I really appreciate that you explained how both of you work together & referenced trying hard to make your coworkers feel comfortable, too. It can be hard to advocate for oneself on either side of the equation (the person who needs some accommodations as well as the person who needs to accommodate someone else). You clearly have a very supportive and loving relationship; it’s so important to see examples other than “here’s how I *deal with* my partner’s challenges.”
Debby, I have just subscribed to your and Chris's channel, as my partner is autistic and I hear a lot of the things from you both that relate to my situation as her partner. For me the most empowering thing, was learning to place my compassion in front of each conversation. Realising that her experience was totally different to mine and allowing for that. She also has childhood trauma to deal with, so it's a double dose of compassion. I am lucky that I am quite a few years older, in that I can set aside my life to allow the freedom from contact that she needs to live hers. I am sure people look at us and think that I am foregoing my life, and living a life of control but it is just the opposite, I choose to for the benefit of my partners challenges. Thanks to you both for your videos.
My husband and I are both autistic, but we are very different, which has made it difficult at times. I am a very high-masking autistic, probably in part because I'm a woman, and it means I have been taught throughout my life that I CANNOT just "say what I mean" or bluntly express how I feel or what I want because I may well be socially punished for it. So I have subconsciously developed strict rules for how I communicate. I also have an extremely large vocabulary and an excellent sense of the nuanced differences in meaning between words. But my husband has a very direct style of communication and often cannot understand what I mean. When I try (out of trauma, in a sense) to "massage" the message of what I'm trying to say, he can even experience it as me lying to him... or he just has no clue what I mean, which has caused BIG problems in our relationship. We are now in counselling with a neurodivergent therapist, which has helped a ton! Highly recommend counselling for any couples who want to stay together, but also have problems they are both committed to solving collaboratively.
My wife and son are diagnosed ADHD and in the process of learning about that I’ve discovered that I’m very likely autistic, and learning about that has been simultaneously very helpful and extremely overwhelming! This video is very helpful for perspective!
I've ADHD and my husband is undiagnosed autistic. Working on it! Waving to get each others attention when hyperfocused is really helpful... and also, when I need to tell him something- I call his name and wait til he turns to look at me before I start talking.
To be honest and speak from my heart with you. Heart fully my marriage had ended many years ago with my husband. I was unaware of autism beforehand or any mental health things except depression. I had endured much of what people would consider nowadays narcissistic abuse. When I learned about these things I think that my husband is a vulnerable narcissist but he also has some of the autistic traits as well. This however does not excuse the behaviors that he had shown and the horrific abusive behaviors that at the time of these events happening that I felt that I must of been deserving of because of somehow not being a very worthy person. I am still co existing along with my husband only because I have no friends nor family but I am now healing and working on myself and learning all I can about these things to better help our daughters. Our youngest daughter is 11 yrs old and exhibits many of the autism traits very much so I can learn how to adjust things differently for her now and help her where I am able to. Thank you for making your videos for everyone to get to learn from. I certainly appreciate this very much so. Thank you both. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼😊🥰🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
Wishing you so much good fortune in recovering from your experiences, rebuilding your energy. I have had the same thing- wondering if my partner was a narcissist or worse. Thank you for putting this comment up. Believe it or not it's helpful to read it.
I've been on a sort of journey these past few years trying to understand why im so different, and it's come to my attention that I'm almost certainly on the spectrum. And a lot of this is incredibly relatable. I'm getting well into adulthood and I'm not very functional at all. It honestly makes me feel like I need a caregiver and not a partner, and that really gives me a sinking feeling in my stomach. But people really seem to love interacting with me so I'm hoping that'll work out somehow.
I’m laughing because I am autistic and my husband is ADHD, and I love everything to be in the same place in the kitchen, and he just cannot remember, even after 13 years, where things go. Knowing is half the battle, it has helped me to realize when our neurotypes are in play, it helps reduce resentment.
The idea of noticing our own and other peoples' state, energy levels, etc seems very obvious to me as a good way to manage any relationship, but in particular I'm remembering when my children were small, how much of priority that was to me - as much as possible. My question is - Debby - do you feel that being more aware of your own and one another's energy levels and state of mind and being more open to adjustments and flexibility - do you feel those things help you personally? My assumption has always been that it helps everyone, whether in a family or workplace, but that may just be my wishful thinking and sort of ignoring that differences can not always be negotiated comfortable for all.
I have only just found your channel and am so relieved I did! My partner is undiagnosed ASD and while that is now in the process, our last 11 months living together has been a huge shift for us both... I have a truck tonne of "doing" energy compared to him, and he has taught me how to slow down and relax, especially when he can tell I'm not as patient with him or his dog (who barks a lot)... Each day there's a lot of empathy required, and some interesting figuring it out moments... Especially around food and textures as I'm generally the cook. But mostly I am just so grateful for his ability to see the world in a different perspective, and has allowed me into his world and space so I can support him too.
While not the only thing, I do think autism was part of the reason for my marriage ending. It was exhausting and brutal. Chris you are very lucky and so are you Debby. Please, cherish that.
Really helpful content. Both my wife and I are some kind of autistic (diagnoses forthcoming). I scare her a lot coming into the room. The other way, I rarely get scared, but she'll talk to me like I'm a microphone that's always on and waiting for her to speak. So its VERY frustrating to her when I always have to ask her to repeat the first part because I almost never switch gears fast enough to catch the first bit. But sometimes I am present for the first audible bit, but she's starting halfway into a thought having begun with her internal thought voice!
I'm loving your videos! Thankyou to both of you for teaching me! This is such a compassionate video, and is one of my favorites from you - right after Chris telling the story of how he learned and faced his diagnosis. I cried! Truly, thankyou both for sharing your experiences. ❤
I’m going to watch this again tonight with my poor, long-suffering husband of 36 years, who agrees with me, we both wish I’d come with an instruction manual. Preferably in “Idiot’s Guide” format. You covered all the biggest issues we’ve come across. Thanks so much for sharing!
Chris is one of lucky ones who found a life partner. I really feel like my Autism is what's keeping me from finding someone to settle down. That's the one thing I want in my life so I can feel "normal"
This is so helpful. I feel like I am listening to my husband talk about what he does for me. You and him could trade notes haha. Thank you both for letting the world into your lives.
I would like to show this to my bf but a lifetime of me feeling like "the problem" makes me not showing him. Right now I feel I might never be able to have a relationship. Just diagnosed at 46.
Okay. Great feed. On the holiday thing ~11.00 into feed. My previous partner was "normal" and had higher energy than myself. I could not keep up with their energy, and my low energy frustrated them. One thing we did was "spoke holidays". Where you choose the same place to stay and then go out from their to explore. They would explore each day (their high energy), and I would get one quiet day to rest (now know that as my autism nature). Then we would go out as a family unit. We would choose places that had good childcare on site. So on his "adventure days" the children were in vacation care, and I got to rest. Something to keep in mind for your next stage.
My partner is going to get a diagnosis in a short time. Our couples therapist suggested it. He asked me, "Well, are you going to get diagnosed too?" and I said no, and when I ask my friends if I seem like a possibly autistic person they laugh. "You? No way!" But in our house, it's him who sneaks up on me and scares me, it's me who is terribly shocked by loud noises and violent films. The other issues you mention are true, though, and actually helped me a lot. We have not been able to enjoy travel or vacations together (for all 12 years!) because he gets very irrational and strange when we go anywhere. I have thought it was a control issue- he may feel out of control when he is somewhere unfamiliar. I have also thought he might be completely insane. After living together for a long time, we are trying to spend less time in each other's space, to lessen the tensions for both of us. I am exhausted.
It’s how you react to whatever happens. I think it is called emotional intelligence. I use to not understand what my high functioning autistic does, I may not accept, but I don’t react. It took me years to do this. Just trying to make him grow at 28. Baby steps.
Yes, if you’re referring to practicing being patient and trying to not react (esp based on your own assumptions), then I definitely agree! And thank you for sharing that 😊
While this is wonderful and totally amazing, I found that it is far more challenging to overcome differences in communication styles and love languages. My neurotypical ex and me were in all kinds of ways trying to show love, but the other wasn't receiving any of these messages. We both felt extremely alone and unheard. For me (autistic) it is a lot about being physically together (in the same room or even building), synchronizing (doing the same thing at the same time, for instance when one is cleaning, getting up and starting to clean something else in the vicinity - or simply not going to bed regardless how tired I am myself, just because she was still up) and touch. For her (neurotypical?) it was an emotional connection (what the heck is that? Emotions are something you experience deep inside your own mind, how can you connect that with someone else? Even after hearing many explanations, the concept remains alien to me. I do show empathy: often by telling something that happened to myself that proves that I can understand what she was going through. But apparently this is not it), wanting to talk after her work was done (typically after midnight when I was exhausted and hardly able to communicate anything) or baking a cake (yummy, but I could buy one just as well. I'd much rather have a hug).
Ooooohhh yes, how completely, how viscerally I relate to his getting stunned by the terrifying hug-out-of-nowhere. It's...well, it's beyond words how bad it is.
TV; television itself, even before considering the content, is too stimulating for me, so I don't even have one in my home. When I moved from my parents' house to be out on my own I got no television. Had a TV briefly a couple times in 1980s then 1990s to watch Star Trek. Lived in my current location since 2008 and have never brought in a TV set. YT here is nice because I can be highly selective about what is watched & there are browser addons to deal with some things. That brings up that if it wasn't for GIF blockers and HTML autoplay blockers, and a couple other similar things which cut donw how much is happening on a web page. the internet would probably be unusable to me.
Ah ha! I can't be in the same room as a TV (when it's on!) and have never owned one in 70 yrs. I never knew why until self-diagnosis 3 months ago, I always thought I was totally weird.
For my daughter we turn the TV off if she comes to the room we’re in as she finds it overstimulating and too random. For my partner I accept he’ll only go to the shop for us in the evening when he feels like it’s less socially overwhelming. I also have to do the thing where I make it known I’m entering a room! For me, my partner turns his music down when I’m around and tries not to crash about too much. My kids know my brain isn’t ready for communication when I first wake up.
Now we just have to FIND a person who actually will try to adjust! In any way at all, Instead of ghosting immediately. What has happened to people lately?
This is something that my wife and I struggle with, still. It has always been an issue and many of my needs have been annoying to her. We took our latest attempt at therapy together and I thought that I was prepared for it, but I about fell apart. I know that part of her expectation is to be validated going into therapy... she expects to be told that she is "correct" and I am "wrong". She will say this isn't true but the outcome that I experience aligns to that. She absolutely unloaded on me and just let it continue because I had been searching for a cross-neurotype counselor/therapist for some time and didn't come up with someone that I thought was as up to date with modern ASD considerations as I needed. So, we settled on using the therapist I have been working with for over a year and I wanted to just let my wife do her thing so she didn't feel like there was some existing bias that my therapist would have. My therapist never jumped in or anything until it was about the time to start wrapping things up and wanted to make sure we had some action items. My wife made a point of bringing up that I always take "the long way" to get to places and it drives her nuts; but my therapist did key in on my need to avoid traffic. Now, I have communicated that to my wife so many times, but it was like she finally believed it. I get so much anxiety in traffic and I also get anxiety from every variety of waiting (lines, traffic, traffic signals, call queues, downloads, weddings, restaurants, etc.). So, I tend to take more scenic routes that will have fewer stops, in total, but also will be unlikely to have a queue of cars at a stop sign. I also think I have gotten to the bottom of many of my issues... but still no "solution". I have long known of PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) and felt like it was a very apt description of what I experience with demands... it triggers a fight/flight response in my brain, but it varies based on how well regulated I am. I read the following late last week (www.pdasociety.org.uk/what-is-pda-menu/what-is-demand-avoidance/) and connected the dots to so many things. My sleeping issues, in part, seem to be related to PDA... beyond to my brain never shutting off; sometimes I can physically not get myself to get ready for bed and go lay down and this seems to be it. I also struggle with getting to places on time because I keep coming up with excuses as to why I can still make it, or things I must do beforehand; certainly, some of those things are to avoid bigger issues later, but part of it is the "demand" for being there. And it doesn't matter that many of the demands are created by ME, not someone else. I am really hoping that we can work through some of these things. Our daughter and grandson are also autistic and I think my grandson has a much stronger expression of PDA that even I do... but I don't remember all of the details of being 4-years-old. I did remember another thing that I was doing that was clearly autistic around that time earlier today... We were at some cookout that was for coworkers that my mom had. I remember being introduced to the people who's home we were at and the man told me he loved washing dishes after mowing the lawn because it really helped to clean out under his fingernails which totally grossed me out... although I am 99% sure he was joking because he was LHAO in reaction to my reaction. But for some reason completely unknown to me, we were leaving and I road with some complete stranger. He had a convertible and he CAR PHONE! In retrospect, he was a really patient person because I had this need to count to 100 by using the dial pad on the phone (I didn't make any calls and had no intention to). So, he let me get all the way to 100, which is a great stopping point and then said that I would need to stop. I have so many questions about a lot of that, but I can't talk to my mom about it... I haven't talked to her in 5 years and cannot bring myself to do it... and I don't deserve to deal with that struggle... many reasons.
I found out I might be autistic for the last five years. First trigger was the pandemic. The second one, I got a partner who is NOT autistic and it stated to show. All my previous partners were kind of autistic as well, and the way we communicated was very similar. Right now, I struggle with big issues and concussions when communicating with my partner. I dont get the hints, I don't understand the rhetorical questions she asks, I don't know which one is real and which one is not. 😅 we try to meet in the middle but it is a lot. She also likes small talk and I hate it, so...😢. Pfff
Debby, lovely that you are so accommodating but how do you get you time? I mean, yes my hubby also loves his routine but I am a very spontaneous person and need some space to express this even if that can't be shared time with the hubby. For example, if I actually want to go shopping I'll go on my own or I will cycle or walk on my own so I don't have to stick to the route he thinks I should take. I also found hubby far less patient after drinking alcohol and moderating his drinking really helped things go more smoothly. 😊
U r a saint. Hey, did Chris have a challenging childhood? My mom is autistic and I am too, but I often wonder how much of my ASD is also just an unusual upbringing? Oddly, I am overly outgoing. I don't have a concept of boundaries. Ironically, my mom is the extremely introverted variety. She has more sensory overload than I. She winces at restaurants because of the clatter and chatter.
The vacation thing is horrible for my husband and me. My autistic brain doesn't feel any need to leave the house or garden except for very few occasions related to my special interests. My ADD husband can't even stay at home for a weekend and always wants to check out new places. Going on vacation for almost 2 weeks this year was (and always will be) a real challenge.
I could be wrong, but I believe a huge part of why this relationship works is because Debbie is part Asian and for some reason, Asians both value and love autistic traits.
How can I have a better communication with an autistic person? I mean, I would like to learn phrases to express my feelings and thoughts, could you give us examples: instead of say that, say this… please, and thanks for all the information ❤
We've finally accepted that I'm not going to the beach. The bright sun, sand, heat, activity/noise, sometimes wind... it's truly a nightmare for me. I tried for 30 years to like it! 🫠
One big thing I'm learning and developing more boldly since my autism discovery is, "Just say it." When I've reached some kind of limit I can say, "Sorry, I'm done." I don't owe it to the world to live a completely neurotypical life. It is my genuine prerogative to really be me, and especially when it is a matter of psycho-emotional (even visceral/physical) survival. It's okay now to be a..."singularity" with my own unique life-coordinates. But I must never assume others should know automatically. My responsibility is to "just say it." That's the hugest change since my discovery. I worked at hiding it all before...for 65 years. Now, there's still a job for me to do but it's an incomparably healthier and more liberating one.
Yes yes yes! So well put. I like the idea of being a singularity, finally, at age 74.
Chris is tremendously lucky to have Debby.
Yes, Debby, really amazing how you are able to ajust (and Chris too).
I think it's mutual.
One thing I have started doing with my son whenever I hear an intonation that sounds sarcastic or bitter or angry is to just tell him what I heard and ask if that was his intention. Most of the time he was just stating something and because he doesn't hear the differences in intonation he doesn't realize how what he is saying can be interpretated. It has saved our family so many misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
Wow. You're an amazing partner, Chris is very lucky to have you. Pretty much every relationship I've had has been other people trying to force me to act and live like other people and undermine all the challenges I have, in the vein of "This isn't a problem for me so it can't be a problem for you, you need to get over it", or they betray me in small ways all the time and expect me to constantly forgive them and be okay with it. It makes me happy to see such a working, empathetic relationship. Thank you for sharing.
My marriage counselor told me to just try being normal.
Good news guys!!!
Turns out we can all be neurotypical if we want we just never thought to try our whole lives and went through the various lifelong comprehensive and extensive pains of being different unnecessarily because we accidentally forgot to just try not to!
@@asafoetidajones8181 Yeaouch
I live alone and have done so for 25 years now. I can't imagine somebody being that accommodating. Of course I only learned last year that I was autistic, so maybe that would make a difference. But Chris is lucky to have you.
Finding a spouse that is pays attention to detail and adjusts to the other’s needs is rare these days. I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 8, but I think I’m autistic. I’m going to get an official diagnosis soon at the age of 40.
Right? So many just don’t have the empathy or compassion meanwhile we can be super empathetic & compassionate.
We also care to pay attention unlike most…
@@SunshineGrove04 I can also be selfish and overwhelming for others to be around. We have to also pay attention and adjust to their needs. It cannot just be about supporting us, that's codependency. I do just as much for my husband as he does for me, and I have had to go no contact with friends who have the same disabilities as me because they expect the world to cave for them while they adjust nothing for us.
@@NiaLaLa_V assuming what I meant is not very ideal.
You have no clue who I am or what I am about or how much I give.
I give to many & won’t stop yet I recognized I gave too much to people who couldn’t give the same back & no, none of them were neurodivergent, just self-entitled ‘friends’, exes, and family.
Your situation is different and you chose to chastise those that deal with the same as you? In how you wrote it out, seems like you recognize how demanding you are so you stay away from people who struggle with the same.
Make it make sense??..
^^That’s a rhetorical question if you didn’t catch it. I really don’t care to hear what you have to say since you showed your true colors in all you wrote.
Assuming, stigmatizing & chastising people who struggle with the same yet call them intolerable.
Ever think that maybe perhaps people don’t want to be friends with you?
^^again, rhetorical question since how judge-y you are & seems as you wrote, that your husband is the only one who can put up with you since you are ACTUALLY self & over-demanding where I am pretty sure those that would be friends with you aren’t as selfish & over-demanding.
Perhaps seek external help, might help ease the load off your husband at least. If anything, I feel for your husband having to tolerate/endure you.
Enjoy your bubble. ✌️
You can also be correctly diagnosed with both! Just saying that, because I was around when they said you couldn’t.
Btw late diagnosis gets very over looked so if they dont think you're autistic but you are confident that you are, i would highly recommend getting another doctors option. Best of luck to you!🙏🏻
It is SO lovely to see this discussion framed from this point of view- what can the allistic person do to make the autistic partner feel better in the relationship, instead of the other way around. This was so lovely and compassionate and I hope I can experience this one day.
~:~ thank you ~:~ also adult discovered autistic (w/adhd & complex ptsd) working on believing i'm not just "too sensitive"/etc & can't just "get over it" (a lifetime of trying never felt good enough, lol) it's wonderful to imagine someone else might actually understand, accept & support my needs one day
My husband has ADHD, and I am AuDHD. My husband can scare me too, I can get so hyperfocused in a task or something that I do not notice him coming into the room. I have recently moved my office to a more open space and asked him to wave to get my attention instead of walking up behind me. As for getting through him and his hyperfocus on work or playing a computer game, i will put my hand on his shoulder to make sure I have his full attention. I am trying to get him to realize that when I am thinking or doing something that is hard for me switch focus, and try to get back to what I was doing after the interruption. However, I have to realize he has ADHD and sometimes cannot contain his wanting to speak about something that is on his mind right then and there.
So good that you both have understanding of the specific mechanisms that are at work in your behaviors and are able to respect one another like that. I'm encouraged...
This is so helpful! I'm going to share it with my spouse. Since I discovered I was autistic at age 65, he has made important adjustments. He now realizes how hard travel is for me, and gives me a lot of support. He prefers early morning flights, but I can't sleep the night before if I have to wake up early. So now, we never depart before 10 am. In airports, he pays attention to announcements, so I don't have to use my limited spoons for that. All I need to do is follow him.
I like your metaphor of “limited spoons!” I don’t know why because I don’t know what you mean; I only know what I think it means 😊.
Can you tell me more about that? Did you make it up to describe yourself or did you pick that up somewhere? Just curious
@@honkytonkinson9787 I'm glad you like it! I can't take credit; I am borrowing from the concept of Spoon Theory, which was created by Christine Miserandino while trying to explain to a friend of hers why people with chronic conditions often have days when they can't do much. I would look up a video to share, but -- it's a low spoon day for me. Maybe others in the community can suggest a good resource.
@@honkytonkinson9787 search for "spoon theory", it's really helpful for understanding and articulating energy levels when you're disabled, chronically ill etc. :)
Look up Spoon Theory. It will explain the spoons reference.@@honkytonkinson9787
I'm single, totally, very rarely living in close quarters with anybody for extended periods, unless I'm visiting friends or family. Plus, I'm the autistic one, not the neurotypical person trying to figure out ways to live with an autistic person. All that said, I still get something out of this. It helps me to realize some things that others might innocently fail to understand about me, why I should be patient, and how I can help express clearly what is really going on.
I am autistic, adhd(?/on waiting list for assessment) with ptsd. My husband has adhd, autistic traits and ptsd. We are a rock together but it took a lot of work to get there. And for many years I've been doing what you are doing for/with Chris for/with my husband and I just sat here and realized why I am so flipping tired... Because I have been for him what I need help with too. No regrets, I love him dearly and gladly did it but it's just the realization... I guess.
Now, there's a nice challenge to fidget with (pun intented). But, that being said, I totally know we can conquer this too.
Thanks for being so open, it's really helpful.
Also, you have a lovely smile because it's not just your mouth but your whole face that engages in it. Lovely to see!
The thing I and my (allistic) wife do is to remind ourselves that we love each other. That's really what it boils down to. We do not get along smoothly 100% of the time, but when we think of the love, respect, and commitment we have for each other, it gives us a broader perspective and makes the frustration and anger we feel in the moment dissipate.
Absolutely - and so awesome that you found each other too ❤️❤️❤️
This is so balanced and compassionate. You are two wonderful humans!
Yes, they are all what is beatiful in a real love relationship.
I really appreciate that you explained how both of you work together & referenced trying hard to make your coworkers feel comfortable, too. It can be hard to advocate for oneself on either side of the equation (the person who needs some accommodations as well as the person who needs to accommodate someone else). You clearly have a very supportive and loving relationship; it’s so important to see examples other than “here’s how I *deal with* my partner’s challenges.”
Debby, I have just subscribed to your and Chris's channel, as my partner is autistic and I hear a lot of the things from you both that relate to my situation as her partner. For me the most empowering thing, was learning to place my compassion in front of each conversation. Realising that her experience was totally different to mine and allowing for that. She also has childhood trauma to deal with, so it's a double dose of compassion. I am lucky that I am quite a few years older, in that I can set aside my life to allow the freedom from contact that she needs to live hers. I am sure people look at us and think that I am foregoing my life, and living a life of control but it is just the opposite, I choose to for the benefit of my partners challenges. Thanks to you both for your videos.
My husband and I are both autistic, but we are very different, which has made it difficult at times. I am a very high-masking autistic, probably in part because I'm a woman, and it means I have been taught throughout my life that I CANNOT just "say what I mean" or bluntly express how I feel or what I want because I may well be socially punished for it. So I have subconsciously developed strict rules for how I communicate. I also have an extremely large vocabulary and an excellent sense of the nuanced differences in meaning between words. But my husband has a very direct style of communication and often cannot understand what I mean. When I try (out of trauma, in a sense) to "massage" the message of what I'm trying to say, he can even experience it as me lying to him... or he just has no clue what I mean, which has caused BIG problems in our relationship. We are now in counselling with a neurodivergent therapist, which has helped a ton! Highly recommend counselling for any couples who want to stay together, but also have problems they are both committed to solving collaboratively.
My wife and son are diagnosed ADHD and in the process of learning about that I’ve discovered that I’m very likely autistic, and learning about that has been simultaneously very helpful and extremely overwhelming! This video is very helpful for perspective!
I've ADHD and my husband is undiagnosed autistic. Working on it!
Waving to get each others attention when hyperfocused is really helpful... and also, when I need to tell him something- I call his name and wait til he turns to look at me before I start talking.
Debbie, this was fantastic. You are worth your weight in gold. (So is Chris!)
To be honest and speak from my heart with you. Heart fully my marriage had ended many years ago with my husband. I was unaware of autism beforehand or any mental health things except depression. I had endured much of what people would consider nowadays narcissistic abuse. When I learned about these things I think that my husband is a vulnerable narcissist but he also has some of the autistic traits as well. This however does not excuse the behaviors that he had shown and the horrific abusive behaviors that at the time of these events happening that I felt that I must of been deserving of because of somehow not being a very worthy person. I am still co existing along with my husband only because I have no friends nor family but I am now healing and working on myself and learning all I can about these things to better help our daughters. Our youngest daughter is 11 yrs old and exhibits many of the autism traits very much so I can learn how to adjust things differently for her now and help her where I am able to. Thank you for making your videos for everyone to get to learn from. I certainly appreciate this very much so. Thank you both. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼😊🥰🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
Wishing you so much good fortune in recovering from your experiences, rebuilding your energy. I have had the same thing- wondering if my partner was a narcissist or worse. Thank you for putting this comment up. Believe it or not it's helpful to read it.
I've been on a sort of journey these past few years trying to understand why im so different, and it's come to my attention that I'm almost certainly on the spectrum. And a lot of this is incredibly relatable. I'm getting well into adulthood and I'm not very functional at all. It honestly makes me feel like I need a caregiver and not a partner, and that really gives me a sinking feeling in my stomach. But people really seem to love interacting with me so I'm hoping that'll work out somehow.
I’m laughing because I am autistic and my husband is ADHD, and I love everything to be in the same place in the kitchen, and he just cannot remember, even after 13 years, where things go. Knowing is half the battle, it has helped me to realize when our neurotypes are in play, it helps reduce resentment.
The idea of noticing our own and other peoples' state, energy levels, etc seems very obvious to me as a good way to manage any relationship, but in particular I'm remembering when my children were small, how much of priority that was to me - as much as possible. My question is - Debby - do you feel that being more aware of your own and one another's energy levels and state of mind and being more open to adjustments and flexibility - do you feel those things help you personally? My assumption has always been that it helps everyone, whether in a family or workplace, but that may just be my wishful thinking and sort of ignoring that differences can not always be negotiated comfortable for all.
I have only just found your channel and am so relieved I did! My partner is undiagnosed ASD and while that is now in the process, our last 11 months living together has been a huge shift for us both...
I have a truck tonne of "doing" energy compared to him, and he has taught me how to slow down and relax, especially when he can tell I'm not as patient with him or his dog (who barks a lot)...
Each day there's a lot of empathy required, and some interesting figuring it out moments... Especially around food and textures as I'm generally the cook.
But mostly I am just so grateful for his ability to see the world in a different perspective, and has allowed me into his world and space so I can support him too.
Both people putting effort into the relationship is a good thing! If each person sees that the other person is trying that means a lot!
I am autistic and my boyfriend is ADHD. We both have bipolar disorder. Luckily we are very compatible but relationships still take work.
I love these videos! You both are very talented and helpful! Keep teaching the world!
Thank you for everything you guys do! You’re so helpful and great at teaching people. This video especially was helpful and I loved it so much
While not the only thing, I do think autism was part of the reason for my marriage ending. It was exhausting and brutal.
Chris you are very lucky and so are you Debby. Please, cherish that.
Debbie you are an angel 🙏🏻 thank you for looking after Chris 🤓 it is clear how much he loves you in return
Really helpful content. Both my wife and I are some kind of autistic (diagnoses forthcoming). I scare her a lot coming into the room. The other way, I rarely get scared, but she'll talk to me like I'm a microphone that's always on and waiting for her to speak. So its VERY frustrating to her when I always have to ask her to repeat the first part because I almost never switch gears fast enough to catch the first bit. But sometimes I am present for the first audible bit, but she's starting halfway into a thought having begun with her internal thought voice!
Awww my heart, it’s so nice to see relatable couple. God bless you guys and thank you for this video!
Thank-you. This really helps my partner to understand more fully.
I'm loving your videos! Thankyou to both of you for teaching me! This is such a compassionate video, and is one of my favorites from you - right after Chris telling the story of how he learned and faced his diagnosis. I cried! Truly, thankyou both for sharing your experiences. ❤
I’m going to watch this again tonight with my poor, long-suffering husband of 36 years, who agrees with me, we both wish I’d come with an instruction manual. Preferably in “Idiot’s Guide” format. You covered all the biggest issues we’ve come across. Thanks so much for sharing!
Chris is one of lucky ones who found a life partner. I really feel like my Autism is what's keeping me from finding someone to settle down. That's the one thing I want in my life so I can feel "normal"
This is amazingly beautiful; thank you for sharing!
This kind of message is really needed.
Wonderful I formative and happy making helps! GOD BLESS!
Thanks
Thank you so much for supporting our channel!! 😍
Another great video again. Thanks for sharing 😻
Great video!!! So helpful!❤
This is so helpful. I feel like I am listening to my husband talk about what he does for me. You and him could trade notes haha. Thank you both for letting the world into your lives.
I wish I could send it to my non speaking english husband !
Thanks for this amazing job 🙏🙏🙏🙏
I would like to show this to my bf but a lifetime of me feeling like "the problem" makes me not showing him. Right now I feel I might never be able to have a relationship. Just diagnosed at 46.
You should show him. Otherwise, you might prolong difficulties and you deserve to be happy
How cool. I literally searched for the channel 2 mins before showtime! 😮
….and I had no idea there was something upcoming😂 lemme overexplaon!
@@valval9277 💙!
Okay. Great feed. On the holiday thing ~11.00 into feed. My previous partner was "normal" and had higher energy than myself. I could not keep up with their energy, and my low energy frustrated them. One thing we did was "spoke holidays". Where you choose the same place to stay and then go out from their to explore. They would explore each day (their high energy), and I would get one quiet day to rest (now know that as my autism nature). Then we would go out as a family unit. We would choose places that had good childcare on site. So on his "adventure days" the children were in vacation care, and I got to rest. Something to keep in mind for your next stage.
My partner is going to get a diagnosis in a short time. Our couples therapist suggested it. He asked me, "Well, are you going to get diagnosed too?" and I said no, and when I ask my friends if I seem like a possibly autistic person they laugh. "You? No way!" But in our house, it's him who sneaks up on me and scares me, it's me who is terribly shocked by loud noises and violent films. The other issues you mention are true, though, and actually helped me a lot. We have not been able to enjoy travel or vacations together (for all 12 years!) because he gets very irrational and strange when we go anywhere. I have thought it was a control issue- he may feel out of control when he is somewhere unfamiliar. I have also thought he might be completely insane. After living together for a long time, we are trying to spend less time in each other's space, to lessen the tensions for both of us. I am exhausted.
It’s how you react to whatever happens. I think it is called emotional intelligence. I use to not understand what my high functioning autistic does, I may not accept, but I don’t react. It took me years to do this. Just trying to make him grow at 28. Baby steps.
Yes, if you’re referring to practicing being patient and trying to not react (esp based on your own assumptions), then I definitely agree! And thank you for sharing that 😊
While this is wonderful and totally amazing, I found that it is far more challenging to overcome differences in communication styles and love languages. My neurotypical ex and me were in all kinds of ways trying to show love, but the other wasn't receiving any of these messages. We both felt extremely alone and unheard.
For me (autistic) it is a lot about being physically together (in the same room or even building), synchronizing (doing the same thing at the same time, for instance when one is cleaning, getting up and starting to clean something else in the vicinity - or simply not going to bed regardless how tired I am myself, just because she was still up) and touch.
For her (neurotypical?) it was an emotional connection (what the heck is that? Emotions are something you experience deep inside your own mind, how can you connect that with someone else? Even after hearing many explanations, the concept remains alien to me. I do show empathy: often by telling something that happened to myself that proves that I can understand what she was going through. But apparently this is not it), wanting to talk after her work was done (typically after midnight when I was exhausted and hardly able to communicate anything) or baking a cake (yummy, but I could buy one just as well. I'd much rather have a hug).
Ooooohhh yes, how completely, how viscerally I relate to his getting stunned by the terrifying hug-out-of-nowhere. It's...well, it's beyond words how bad it is.
TV; television itself, even before considering the content, is too stimulating for me, so I don't even have one in my home. When I moved from my parents' house to be out on my own I got no television. Had a TV briefly a couple times in 1980s then 1990s to watch Star Trek. Lived in my current location since 2008 and have never brought in a TV set. YT here is nice because I can be highly selective about what is watched & there are browser addons to deal with some things. That brings up that if it wasn't for GIF blockers and HTML autoplay blockers, and a couple other similar things which cut donw how much is happening on a web page. the internet would probably be unusable to me.
Same - no tv, love youtube for same reasons. Recently have had to control for some ads, but can ignore most. Thank goodness.
Ah ha! I can't be in the same room as a TV (when it's on!) and have never owned one in 70 yrs. I never knew why until self-diagnosis 3 months ago, I always thought I was totally weird.
@@alisonduffy6206 I was able to watch TV when I was a child and a teen. Not any more.
This is really great!!
For my daughter we turn the TV off if she comes to the room we’re in as she finds it overstimulating and too random. For my partner I accept he’ll only go to the shop for us in the evening when he feels like it’s less socially overwhelming. I also have to do the thing where I make it known I’m entering a room! For me, my partner turns his music down when I’m around and tries not to crash about too much. My kids know my brain isn’t ready for communication when I first wake up.
Great video! I can't wait to share it with my NT husband. ❤
Do you feel like Chris struggles to meet your needs?
Good question!
Now we just have to FIND a person who actually will try to adjust! In any way at all, Instead of ghosting immediately. What has happened to people lately?
This is something that my wife and I struggle with, still. It has always been an issue and many of my needs have been annoying to her. We took our latest attempt at therapy together and I thought that I was prepared for it, but I about fell apart. I know that part of her expectation is to be validated going into therapy... she expects to be told that she is "correct" and I am "wrong". She will say this isn't true but the outcome that I experience aligns to that. She absolutely unloaded on me and just let it continue because I had been searching for a cross-neurotype counselor/therapist for some time and didn't come up with someone that I thought was as up to date with modern ASD considerations as I needed. So, we settled on using the therapist I have been working with for over a year and I wanted to just let my wife do her thing so she didn't feel like there was some existing bias that my therapist would have. My therapist never jumped in or anything until it was about the time to start wrapping things up and wanted to make sure we had some action items. My wife made a point of bringing up that I always take "the long way" to get to places and it drives her nuts; but my therapist did key in on my need to avoid traffic. Now, I have communicated that to my wife so many times, but it was like she finally believed it. I get so much anxiety in traffic and I also get anxiety from every variety of waiting (lines, traffic, traffic signals, call queues, downloads, weddings, restaurants, etc.). So, I tend to take more scenic routes that will have fewer stops, in total, but also will be unlikely to have a queue of cars at a stop sign.
I also think I have gotten to the bottom of many of my issues... but still no "solution". I have long known of PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) and felt like it was a very apt description of what I experience with demands... it triggers a fight/flight response in my brain, but it varies based on how well regulated I am. I read the following late last week (www.pdasociety.org.uk/what-is-pda-menu/what-is-demand-avoidance/) and connected the dots to so many things. My sleeping issues, in part, seem to be related to PDA... beyond to my brain never shutting off; sometimes I can physically not get myself to get ready for bed and go lay down and this seems to be it. I also struggle with getting to places on time because I keep coming up with excuses as to why I can still make it, or things I must do beforehand; certainly, some of those things are to avoid bigger issues later, but part of it is the "demand" for being there. And it doesn't matter that many of the demands are created by ME, not someone else.
I am really hoping that we can work through some of these things. Our daughter and grandson are also autistic and I think my grandson has a much stronger expression of PDA that even I do... but I don't remember all of the details of being 4-years-old. I did remember another thing that I was doing that was clearly autistic around that time earlier today...
We were at some cookout that was for coworkers that my mom had. I remember being introduced to the people who's home we were at and the man told me he loved washing dishes after mowing the lawn because it really helped to clean out under his fingernails which totally grossed me out... although I am 99% sure he was joking because he was LHAO in reaction to my reaction. But for some reason completely unknown to me, we were leaving and I road with some complete stranger. He had a convertible and he CAR PHONE! In retrospect, he was a really patient person because I had this need to count to 100 by using the dial pad on the phone (I didn't make any calls and had no intention to). So, he let me get all the way to 100, which is a great stopping point and then said that I would need to stop. I have so many questions about a lot of that, but I can't talk to my mom about it... I haven't talked to her in 5 years and cannot bring myself to do it... and I don't deserve to deal with that struggle... many reasons.
I found out I might be autistic for the last five years. First trigger was the pandemic. The second one, I got a partner who is NOT autistic and it stated to show. All my previous partners were kind of autistic as well, and the way we communicated was very similar. Right now, I struggle with big issues and concussions when communicating with my partner. I dont get the hints, I don't understand the rhetorical questions she asks, I don't know which one is real and which one is not. 😅 we try to meet in the middle but it is a lot. She also likes small talk and I hate it, so...😢. Pfff
Debby, lovely that you are so accommodating but how do you get you time? I mean, yes my hubby also loves his routine but I am a very spontaneous person and need some space to express this even if that can't be shared time with the hubby. For example, if I actually want to go shopping I'll go on my own or I will cycle or walk on my own so I don't have to stick to the route he thinks I should take. I also found hubby far less patient after drinking alcohol and moderating his drinking really helped things go more smoothly. 😊
U r a saint. Hey, did Chris have a challenging childhood? My mom is autistic and I am too, but I often wonder how much of my ASD is also just an unusual upbringing? Oddly, I am overly outgoing. I don't have a concept of boundaries. Ironically, my mom is the extremely introverted variety. She has more sensory overload than I. She winces at restaurants because of the clatter and chatter.
Great video!
Heyyy…I recognize that guy! I wish I knew more people like me, around here.
The vacation thing is horrible for my husband and me. My autistic brain doesn't feel any need to leave the house or garden except for very few occasions related to my special interests.
My ADD husband can't even stay at home for a weekend and always wants to check out new places.
Going on vacation for almost 2 weeks this year was (and always will be) a real challenge.
I love this channel.... Debbie, do you have a sister named Erika?
routine is very important to me. I can´t share one household with other people ... I don´t know if that can change with one person in the future.
I can definitely see Chris being a Mikey!
I could be wrong, but I believe a huge part of why this relationship works is because Debbie is part Asian and for some reason, Asians both value and love autistic traits.
My wife is a champ with my autism. It works!
Bingo!!
How can I have a better communication with an autistic person? I mean, I would like to learn phrases to express my feelings and thoughts, could you give us examples: instead of say that, say this… please, and thanks for all the information ❤
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Trying not to judge, the challenge is behavior adjustments too. I'm a mother so it's different too.
This relationship works just because she's doing double work in it.
Chris here… and you’re wrong. She’s more like 8,000% 😂😂😂
We've finally accepted that I'm not going to the beach. The bright sun, sand, heat, activity/noise, sometimes wind... it's truly a nightmare for me. I tried for 30 years to like it! 🫠