Gaslighting in Marriage: Warning Signs and Next Steps
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 1 พ.ย. 2021
- How do you handle gaslighting in your marriage? What are some warning signs and next steps you can take? Today, Dr. Kim and Christina Dodson talk about gaslighting in your marriage and what you can do about it.
✩ FOLLOW US ✩
✭ FACEBOOK / awesome.marriage
✭ INSTAGRAM / awesome_marriage
✭ TWITTER / kimkimberling
✭ WEBSITE awesomemarriage.com
Dr. Kim Kimberling is a professional marriage counselor. He has been counseling couples for 37 years. Dr. Kim is the president of Awesome Marriage. He has been married to Nancy for over 51 years and together they have two adult children and 9 grandchildren.
Awesome Marriage ministries is a non-profit and we exist to help strengthen marriages through podcasts, videos, blog posts, digital resources, and more! We create content for people to connect with online so that you don't just survive your marriage, but let it thrive the way God intended for it to. Our content is centered around Biblical principles to help grow you closer to God and to your spouse.
If this channel has helped you, make sure to subscribe and share it with others @awesomemarriage
I have an experience to share, my dad was many times toxic to my mom, he would use verbal abuse sometimes when angry, he would lash out to her, and yes sometimes say to her, you are being dramatic, inventing things, you are overly sensitive... Then he cheated on her and still she stayed with him. They had a 20 yr difference. My mom prayed for longer years until my father changed dramatically when he was around 80 yrs old. He started to read the bible, be sweet to my mother and even try to help her out in the kitchen.They got married by the church when my dad was 85. He lived until his 99. So I want to say, I believe in miracles, it happened to my parents.
Thank you for sharing that! Such a beautiful ending to what could have easily been a very sad story.
What about when the narcissist pretends THEY said something they didn’t? Then when I say “you never said that.” (In a nice way) but then he blows up insisting he did say it. I get so confused in my head.
And he uses the fact that I do forget things now and then against me.
After 12 yrs and now I’m out, I feel mentally exhausted.
That can be so exhausting! Gaslighting can take many forms. This is an unhealthy situation for you and your marriage, and it sounds like the help of a marriage counselor, or even a trusted pastor, is needed to help re-establish communication lines and deal with the anger problems. He needs to see that you're a team, not the enemy.
My first marriage was built on gaslighting. I was always told I was crazy when I brought up problems..
I’m here because he’s made me feel crazy for 14 years. I am so stuck.
I am so sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately, there is no easy fix, but a lot of prayer and perhaps a heartfelt conversation is necessary for him to understand what you're feeling.
Me too. Going on 9 years for me, but only began realizing who he really is and what he has been doing, for the last 2. I am so mentally and emotionally drained and financially dependent, and lost...just lost.
I’m here for the exact same reason. My wife does all of this plus more and makes me feel like I’m going crazy! I just can’t take it anymore and definitely feel stuck
Talking with a narcissist is a no go
They use it against you
Keep a journal if you can find a private online space, email yourself maybe - for your own sanity
You are not stuck. Find a way ❤️
I’ve just realized that my husband has been doing this for 15 years and now he’s started doing it to our oldest child. Trying to figure out where to go next.
Praying for God to give you wisdom for the right steps 🙏
Toward the end of my marriage (and my husband's ramped up gambling problem) my husband would chant "we never had that conversation, you told your mom and you told your best friend, but we never discussed it". I was so confused. I considered ways to record all of our conversations so I could prove to both of us that I wasn't crazy.
Sadly, narcissists are very "good" at making you feel this way. You feel as thought YOU are the problem and not them. Even when faced with evidence, many are unlikely to admit the truth, sometimes because they have even convinced themselves of what is true.
What you call gas lighting i call bullying.
The list is so helpful. I've experienced most of them! Assigning motive for actions was so common. If I did or said something nice he might say" ok, what do you want..I know you must want something from me or you're hiding something from me" at the same time he would criticize that I dont initiate affection, hugs etc. enough. But if I did, he vfc would say I know you're up to something! Extreme Silent treatments included him averting his gaze and pretending not to see or hear me. Never hearing me, saying he was deaf in one ear but it seemed to change ears. Starting a fight when nothing was going on..accusations that someone told him they saw me in a white car. When I asked who said that as it wasnt true...he said I cant tell you. Then he would leave locking himself in bedroom for hours or leave the house for days. If I asked if we could talk about what just happened...silence or vague statements like " it's because you are the way you are...what do you mean? I want to understand, I want to fix this..Him: dont play dumb, you're smart..figure it out!
So wearing and tiring..I made mental excuses as he had a " rough childhood", I thought with enough love and compassion, issues could be resolved. Oddly the more understanding I was, this seemed to bring out more disdain! I dont know what his problems were, I had to leave. I give examples ..this was psychological abuse..it exhauses the mind and caused me to be slow on my choice to leave
It can be so exhausting to deal with this kind of behavior and treatment. Praying for emotional and psychological healing for you!
Thank you both. Its horrible to have to admit it.
Wow this is awesome key words get yourself healthy and if it takes leaving to do so then leave it's a hard long journey but so worth it in the end you will feel so much better about yourself if they are willing to go to counseling great but if not please get yourself healthy you want regret it i spent 20 yrs with this been out 3 yrs im not crazy im actually happy with who i am don't let anyone make you feel this way
Good for you!
WOW. Is all I can say. This makes so much sense… God help me see myself as you see me. Amen
Thank you 😊
Yeeesssss!!!. Resonates indeed!!!. Done with relationships way too much energy and with. Narcissist. Exhausting as hell!!!. Living the single life!!!
This is not only spouses but also bosses. My manager did this to me and in so doing put the residents of an aged care facility in danger from inept and lazy carers.
Eye opening 👍.
Yes, it is! Thank you for watching.
" Gaslighting " is also as simple as Me " WHO were you talking to in the bathroom "? Him " I wasn't on my phone it wasn't me "!
My spouse of 30 years always denies things he has said and done. He once said " I wish that was recorded so we can listen to it and see what the truth is." So I started recording every conversation. He flat out lies to me and when I replay the recordings he says he didn't hear what he actually heard on the recording! He says "I never did that, I never said that, you manipulated the recording to make you look innocent in everything." Nope it's the actual recording sir you are not being honest, you're manipulating and deceiving me. He was on the phone with his older brother once and told him " I have a secret phone." Then told me "I never said that." I played the recording of him saying that he has a secret phone and he said I don't hear those exact words! I had 8 people listen to the recording. Then asked " what did he say?" All 8 responded with " I heard him say he has a secret phone." So I know I am not crazy. He then calls his brother on speaker and says " brother, did I tell you that I have a secret phone?" Brother responded with "no you did not say that she's a liar." They're both liars, manipulators and deceivers.
😢
So true
My first marriage was a whole gaslight event. I got out.
I allowed my children to move in with me. They’re helping around the house. But, I have gotten the impression they are gaslighting me. If I say something they go mom you’re crazy I never did that. And this has been going on for a month. I know it’s not me. I have a strong personality so it doesn’t affect me. But, it’s a deadly situation.
It's very possible that this is learned behavior, but healthy boundaries and helping them to see how this is unhealthy behavior can help them improve.
Possible solutions to keep you sanity are: security cameras in the house and outside the house, document events in a journal, and recording devices depending on the activities that are being denied. Gaslighting is just a fancy description for lying. Good lucknin your journey ❤
You are absolutey are right....this sin does lead to death, physical, spiritual, and emotional for the one committing this awful sin. I was married to a Narcissist for 45 yrs. He was a Serial adulterer for " years". He contracted HPV and then Cancer of the Throat. Surgery and tx's did not save him. He died 15 moths ago. I personally saw God's Justice in his life for all that he did.
The Old Testament speaks of the Law of Retrebutive Justice. Lex Talon is is God's Justice. Where the punishment fits the offense that was committed.
I am a follower of Jesus Christ and I still stayed to long, holding fast to my vows. It's sad now.....hope kept me hanging on to long. The Narcissist is empty and void of human emotions. Demons embodied on skin and bones. Devoid of Love and empathy. Genetics and grooming by his mother for the next generation. A cult family of narcissist who continue the legacy of sin and evil. Run away from all.....no contact.....no hope ......
Future Faking us just bait to get you to stay and continue their supply.
God does heal us from all the Abuse. Thank you both!!!
Right so if I express myself as to he did or said something that hurt me he turns it back on me and said the usual line well what about when you did this or that to me and what he said is something that happened years ago.
I had gotten stronger...but now we're doing a marriage class and I feel opressesed and hopeless and confused.
Unfortunately, marriages classes aren't designed to address every problem. Try to speak with the leader about how you feel. If they are unable to help, reach out to a Christian licensed marriage counselor near you.
Gaslighting done once twice or three time's is waay to many time's, Gaslighting is far worse than lying!!!
I'm 88 years old and I'm just seeing my married life for what it was . we married very young and we weren't in love , we were attracted to one another . He was the star athlete in school and I was a cheerleader , popular and pretty . My mother made it clear " you made your be
Pathological lying my husbads the king at this..i used to think i maybe going crazy but it finly hit me as to how hes manipulative he is i thought i was just reading in to it wrong but no..sad ive been praying that the Lord shows me what to do n brings his things to light His light..
Praying for you, for peace and wisdom!
Help!!!!
This is very common in the church
Verbal abuse
Mental abuse
All of this from a man or woman
Who say they are believers
Displaying
Behavior that is not Christian at all
We need to encourage persons to
Get help
Spouses should not hide the behaviour because of shame
Absoposilutely true!!!!!....right in the church
WOW miss Jessy, you blow my mind.. I experience this very often.. In church also in marriage, but It's a hidden subject.. Many people don't wanne talk about it
" Now whom you forgive, I also forgive. For if indeed I have forgiven anything, I have forgiven that one for your sakes in the presence of Christ, lest satan should take advantage of us, FOR WE ARE NOT IGNORANT OF HIS DEVICES"
2 Corinthians 2:11✝️
Amen.
Christain broad minded farthers house love my. Prayers
I want marriage counseling but my husband always says we can't afford it. 😢
My advice would be to check with your church to see if your pastor or someone associated with your church offers marriage counseling. Many of them will provide counseling for free.
New
I ring a councilor ocasionaly ref gaslighting affects
Where gender is mentioned, your discussion seems slanted towards men as the main gaslighters. There are equally women gaslightighters. As a man I've experienced it a lot, much like many of my other male friends.
That is an excellent point. There are absolutely women gaslighters as well. The warning signs and symptoms discussed can very much apply to women as well as men. Thank you for pointing that out!
More are women especially those with great husbands.
What about if you have complex ptsd and know you have issues but still feel your hubby is gas lighting anyway to know the difference?
I'd highly suggest seeing a Christian counselor to help you with this. Either situation can be very difficult on its own, but in working through both of these, a Christian counselor can help you recognize the difference and offer guidance and helpful ways to navigate what you are experiencing.
🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
Dr Kim can i have an appt with you do u do zoom
Dr. Kim isn't taking new patients right now, but there are other counselors at his counseling center, Family Christian Counseling, who do virtual counseling. You can contact them at www.christiancounselingokc.org
I'm not married, but I found it interesting when ya'll talked about the person who wished he had just hit her and it would haved been easier to deal with. My dad spanked my brother and me with a belt until we were too big to be spanked. When I came home from college, I suffered from extreme depression and my father and mother would psychologically and emotionally abuse me for not being able to find a job. I think back and kind of wish now that my dad would have just pulled out the belt and smacked me. Maybe then, I would have found the strength to leave.
You deserve better.
His 14 years abuse made me stronger. Can believe I'm still alive
@25:30 I must be honest, this scares the daylights out of me. I have to wait to be married to see if this will happen?
If you learn what the warning signs are and take notice, you can learn to spot this kind of behavior before the relationship becomes too serious, or hopefully before vows are exchanged at least. It isn't something to be fearful of, but it is good to be mindful. That is one of the main reasons for this video: so you can recognize gaslighting if it's in your relationship and then decide how to proceed from there.
@@awesomemarriage thank you! I continued a deep dive in it and I feel better equipped, this video just really opened my eyes. I appreciate the work you’ve invested to help! God bless this ministry
@@TinyLifeTAKEOVER Thank you and God bless!
Some good advice here, but the presumption seems to be that it's the man who is the gaslighter. This doesn't help the many men who are beaten down by their wives both emotionally and at times physically too.
I agree it goes both ways but it seems more prevalent in men I’ve witnessed in my life. However I do know women who are extremely manipulating.
Dr. Kim has seen both men and women gaslighting in their marriage. It's manipulative behavior that can negatively affect the spouse overtime. If gaslighting is occurring, it needs to be discussed immediately.
Eyeszzz wide open back in my day never have the word gas lighting exist it was call sumting else back thennn. I thought lighting a stove or a pilot to a water boiler mmmmmaaaaann!# tymes has changed or maybe perhaps people have changed!!!!. Hmmmm!! Time is tyme people have just changed!!. Hmmmmm!!!!
Till u been gasligh u will no
So, people who do the gaslighting have a narcissistic personality?
Not always, but many times that is true.
I'm more curious on what the symptoms would be for the victim that knows what is going on and has been using Grey Rock as the normal relationship mode? It usually gets turned around and used to Gaslight the victim as the abuser in my experience. Most counselors will never see it, especially when it's the wife doing it. The assumption/ social stereotype is almost always that it is the husband that is the abuser. With all the marriage counselors I've had, they were so easily gaslit by her and made everything about me. Even my own therapists would try to Gaslight me into believing that I was the problem. I believe that was because they were female as well. It is definitely a lot easier for females to get away with the manipulations and abuse. Especially, in the post covid world.
Nagging is one of the biggest examples of manipulation! Just like reactive abuse. That is the whole point of the nagging is to manipulate you into doing something you don't want to do that she wants you to do.
Unfortunately, the Grey Rock method isn't practical for very long, especially in a marriage. You're regularly in close proximity and have stronger emotional ties to your spouse, so you typically have to take a stronger stance. Establishing strong boundaries and, when necessary, removing yourself from the situation altogether (until he/she makes lasting behavioral change) may be the best course of action.
@awesomemarriage I thought that was pretty much a given as well. My question had more to do with telling the difference in the symptomology of somebody who knows the red flags and has been dealing with them versus somebody who didn't know the red flags. All of the clinical data I have come across says that if you don't fit these certain symptom criteria, the abuse didn't happen. So what would be the symptomology of somebody who knows exactly what's going on but can't get anybody to recognize it because it doesn't line up with the victim symptomology. Usually, when you set boundaries with a highly narcissistic person, they use that to make you look like the narcissistic person. Assertiveness looks like aggression, especially if you're not used to asserting yourself.
THIS IS MY WHOLE LIFE 😞
I'm so sorry to hear that. Praying for peace and emotional healing for you 🙏
Emotional phycological abuse shouted at for putting the heat on when it's cold 🥶 I said I never put the gas on then says yes u do u are handicap must have Alzheimer's .😢 Then when I say I never did it says see u need to go to the mental hospital
😮😢 There are advocacy agencies and organizations available to help you get to a place of safety. Those are not healthy or ok conditions to have to live in.
I bought a dragon fruit he said he's sick of seeing it eat it so I cut it in half ate it with a spoon 🥣🥄 he stood next to me u better eat all that or Ur see what happens then said u don't eat dragon fruit like that and said I make him feel sick grabbed my spoon threw it
😮 That is terrible and scary! If you feel that you are unsafe, please get out and find somewhere safe. That kind of behavior is not ok.
Religion itself is manipulative specially in the Christian church
That can certainly be true. That's why a relationship with Jesus is always better than religious observance.
😱😱😱
My. Daughter turned into. A. Narcissist from the mother and notice the same traits!!. I'm thing. O. M. G I told her you acting just like your motherrr!! And sure sh..t same thing!!! Caught her in many lieszzz!! And being sneaky and being a thief you name it it was happening and try to flipp things like my wording but me being sharp as a knife seen evil in herr!! Sneaky as. Satan like had no. Soul!!!. Just. Empty!!! Sum how she turned. Evil!!!
So sorry to hear that!
It sounds like you are talking to me
He said he’s never seen it in counseling where the wife does that? Let me tell you my story, he’s describing my wife to a T
It's far less common for us to see the wife display this kind of behavior, but there are some who do. I'm sorry that you are experiencing this, and the same advice applies. There are government and private agencies that assist men who find themselves in emotionally (or physically) abusive relationships. I'm praying that you see a change in her, or that you are able to find freedom and peace.
It’s abuse
Luke chaoter 5 look at this thank u fir insight jesus did it i told Jesus's wsnted b likevhim he gacmve me orayer i adjed him fir a hapt day i git it i adked god y did i have bad day he hexadjwd y was this. Bad i felt daft all dayvso he said thenu myst ask for a wise safe day i was 7 yrs old i no i saw him and i asked to go into care joseph he granted it then i told. Joseph that no ready to go into carev19 yrs okd i always had faith so therevwe have it hooe this helos the faith in me asnin Jesus's faith in us
My estranged husband dismissed emotional feelings. His favourote phrase: I feel with my hands.
😢
Great discussion but to assume that a church has people who can help you get out of an emotionally abusive relationship is really bad advice. If your person doesn’t validate what you are saying, go to the next person!!
Unfortunately, not every church can/will provide a safe space to get out of an unhealthy situation due to an incomplete understanding of the Biblical view of marriage. You're absolutely right, though: if you don't get help from someone, find someone else to help you.
I guess. Gas. Lighting is the same as being
A. Narcissist thennn!!!
The 2 words usually go hand in hand. A narcissist is a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves, or believes only their thoughts/opinions/needs matter. Gaslighting means to manipulate (someone) using psychological methods into questioning their own sanity or powers of reasoning, usually by telling them repeatedly that they misunderstood, are overreacting, heard or remembered something wrong, said something they didn't say, or didn't say what you thought you said. Gaslighting is one of many weapons used by narcissists and emotional abusers to tear down their victim emotionally.
The church has been way more damaging..do more be better was the advice.
Though we serve a perfect God, His people are far from it. Be careful to not let that get in the way of your relationship with Him. I'm praying for you, that God helps you through your situation while showing you His love.