For the third story, we need to stop excusing awful behaviour with neurodivergence. It does more harm than good. Sometimes we can misunderstand social rules, but we're not cruel and we're certainly not stupid. The wife was definitely as much of an asshole as the brother.
Just because there is an explanation for why someone's the arse doesn't erase the harm. I'm neurodivergent and diabetic. This gives me any of several explanations for why I'm seeming to be touchy and snapping at people or otherwise being pushy with my mental state. It doesn't matter. I am still being rude. Intent isn't a get-out-of-being-a-git-free card.
@@lysanamcmillan7972 Exactly, imagine if OP didn't have cancer and the wife was just making unsolicited comments. That's mean regardless of whether OP had cancer or not
@@lysanamcmillan7972 Why does she THINK her SIL is neurodivergent but doesn’t KNOW? Maybe that family doesn’t do the information thing. To me it sounded more like a putdown than anything: “oh well, she was rude, so she’s probably ND.”
I was thinking the same thing that it was body shaming. I mean, even if she was cancer-free, she still shouldn’t have to get comments about having a round face, having her hair the way it is, or the lack of jewellery.
Yes, but also I remember having blurted some things about people's looks/body that I regret deeply. At the time I said it, I was just saying something I noticed, but didn't stop long enough to consider it'd hurt the person's feelings. Like it didn't even occur to me that I was implying anything was bad/ugly etc. It doesn't excuse what I said or what she said. She should still apologize, but I don't think she's necessarily an asshole for what she said. Certainly it was a lesson learned for me, and I hope for her too. Just don't say anything about a person's body, period.
I started waitressing a couple years ago when I was 15. I was the only female that worked front of house at my first job and I got hit on very often by men of all ages. It was always weird and I'd usually say something polite but stand my ground like "oh okay, but I'm really not interested.". It was extremely uncomfortable and I always felt like nothing more then just an object or a toy to them. I was just doing my job. On the flip side, a family came in once to celebrate their mom's birthday and the son who was my age kept looking at me which I thought was a little odd but at that point I was used to it and I thought he was kind of cute too. After they finished eating they all walked out the door together and I started clearing off their table as the son came back in and he came up to me really nervously and said "hey, I hope this isn't weird but I think you're really cute can I have your number?" and that time it just felt different and I said yes and gave it to him and now we're still together and getting more serious and I'm so thankful he asked me that night and I said yes. So while I completely agree with your answer and wish those weird men would never of hit on me like they did, I'm so thankful my bf did
honestly, I think there is a HUGE difference between hitting on a person that is part of the staff during your stay, and giving someone you genuinely like to see again your number just befor you leave. Trying to flirt or even get the number while they are working at and around you is not okay, but I feel like slipping your number saying you would love to get to know them when they are of work is. In my work as a nurse any private contact to clients was strictly prohibited for safety and ethical reasons (one would usually not even have their family members on their unit if it can be avoided). But sometimes you have one you actually like. Because they are cute, because you share hobbies etc. in these cases it was totally okay if the client would ask if you could meet of work, right befor they leave the hospital. I feel like this is not so different. Though I am honestly shocked to hear that a person that works as a waitress was in situations that were umcomfortable frequently. Simply because I never visited nor worked at locations were it was okay to make the staff uncomfortable in any shape or form. If a waitress would even so much as hint that they felt treated unpolitely or were creeped out by a customer the person was out the door very, very fast. So my specific and maybe priviledged work experience might be at play here.
@@hannajung7512 yeah, and if you - like me - live in the UK, you may also lack the context of US tipping culture plus US "the customer is always right" culture, plus weaker workforce protections. There's a corollary to this person's behaviour, in terms of culture: is there a reasonable chance that any particular cute waitress has experienced a come-on like that, which then escalated into unpleasantness, harassment, or worse when she did not reciprocate? Because if that had happened to her, or she'd heard of it happening to a colleague, a sister, a friend, then the approach goes from "worst case, annoying for her" to "potentially triggering, potentially scary, potentially legitimately really effing upsetting"
@@erinjohnson7329 I hear you. I am from Germany. An employer that does not ensure the safety of their staff when it comes to harrassement can get in big trouble. Also people are usually not really dependant on these jobs. they are what you do to get some extra money as a student (in addition to the state sponsored student income) or are actually proper jobs with education and contract etc. So a very different power dynamic here. Not to mention, that while being a bit flirty at the bar is considered okay everything beyond that is considered generally inappropriate. AND people tend to know each other in most establishments, and the customers that are there every day can be very protective of "their girls". The staff in bars and restaurants is often considered part of "the family" of these regulars, so treating them poorly is usually a way to ask for trouble. But this might be a cultural thing as you said. And I would not even vouche for each and every restaurant or club in Germany. Just for those I frequented. Could be though that the general culture of reserved politness in Germany helps with that, too. There is NO WAY you could mistake the general politness of a waitress for genuine intrest here.
I worked at mcdonalds at 14-16, and at no stage was the flirting/asking me out/drunken crassness by adults men ok tbh. but like, what are you supposed to do?? other than just say 'no thanks' and focus on taking their order. But also, like. who tf asks someone out through drive thru windows like wtf lol. I think that your scenario is probably the closest to ok, because anything further, like trying to contact you outside of work/afterwards is like, 10,000x more threatening and horrifying. (and, ngl, a major fear of mine after those interactions w/ people asking me out. especially with the number of jobs I had that I worked until 10, 10:30pm, and the waitressing jobs where I couldn't park near the restaurant cos it was in town, and so had to walk 2-3 streets over at 10:30 at night
yeah, i agree. I was also waitressing when i was 17 and there was a guy who clearly liked me, but he never gave me his number. I would have liked him to. I didn't want to date him exactly (since i already had a bf), but i just would have wanted to tell him that his shyness is endearing and that he's cute. These kind of things you don't just say to someone's face and a phone number doesn't always have to mean a date. Sometimes you just want to show some appreciation for other people without a deeper meaning to it. So i think it's ok sometimes to share your number with waitresses. It should just be done respectfully and carefully.
I'm not sure how I feel about the guy leaving his phone number. I'm a woman who worked in retail for 7 years and I don't think I would have felt like I could give a customer my number if I was interested in him. What if he complained to my boss and called me unprofessional, what if he had a psycho partner? I think most of the time, it would be pretty easy to ignore a phone number on a receipt. However, I think him mentioning it definitely made the situation awkward and was a step too far.
Yes, putting her on the spot like that is where he really went too far. Better to use a napkin or something similarly disposable. Receipts are generally kept by the company for book keeping, a napkin or such she could just stick in a pocket to deal with later or throw it out with the rest of the garbage.
But like Shaaba said, there's the worry that the worker might have about what will the person do if they don't contact them? There's still that power dynamic, and while the worker knows literally nothing about the customer, the customer knows exactly how to find them regularly and might even know their name too. That can be worrisome.
I had several men call my workplace to ask about me. They don’t need to leave a phone number. That doesn’t mean the situation was a good one. All situations with the power dynamic being displayed are just different levels of uncomfortable with different levels of potential bad. You don’t know if the guy who left their phone number is coming back ever.
Hm, the waitress one, I felt that. My ex-boyfriend approached me at work (I was a cashier) and told me, he would invite me for coffee in front of everyone. And me being 19, being put on the spot, and never had any relationship before, felt forced to say yes. It ended in a 1 1/2 year long toxic relationship. Would not recommend.
tbh in this case as an autistic i thought the same way he did and that this was fine besides the saying it out loud in front of everyone, i think he just genuinely wanted a friend/lover, and he didnt seem to think her smiling was flirting, he just liked her it seems like me he forget how cruel this world is, that giving ur number to a stranger is creepy and that was was at least partly being friendly because of her work, he like me had a moment where he forgot the world is full of creeps
2nd one: I think if he hadn't said anything and had written something to the effect of 'Enjoyed talking, here's my number, feel free to call, but no problem if you don't want to' then that would be fine, he wouldn't be putting her on the spot for an immediate response and would be clarifying that he's not the sort of person who would be harassing her if she said no. YTA. 3rd one: NTA! Holy shit, she didn't 'pick the wrong time', she didn't even PICK a time.
The third person was definitely NTA. Their brother came to see them for the first time in a while, that's definitely a time for updates! Who goes to visit family then gets upset at learning what their family has been going through whilst they were away?
My boss once said that as long as you request it early enough, he doesn’t care why you requested PTO, he’ll grant it. You can want to spend the day watching paint dry, and no matter how busy work gets, he’ll still just wish you a happy day off.
It's really annoying that people think wait staff are hitting on them for just doing their job. It puts staff in a place that they can't back out of, they could lose their job or the person hitting on them could wait around until the staff member is finished work. Please just leave them alone and let them do their job
I mean, based on what he wrote, I wouldn't call the guy an asshole for doing what he did. Assuming the post was accurate, he was respectful and not too pushy. I actually think giving your number to someone rather than asking for their's is a great way to go about it. You're communicating that you're interested without forcing the person to reject/accept you right then and there. It gives them the power to decide whether or not to contact you. If he was flirting with her throughout the dinner I'd call him an asshole, since she can't exactly get out of it. However, I don't see anything wrong with politely communicating interest after the dinner is done, when she's not forced to talk to you. I suppose complimenting the outfit couod have been flirting, but it really depends how he said it. Unles he had some sort of creepy tone about it, I'd call it perfectly fine.
So for story 2 as a single gay dude who’s a bartender (at a brewery not a gay bar) I feel like the main issue was him talking to her vs just leaving his number. I feel like it would be wrong for me to give a customer my number. When I’m at work, especially since I work my shifts alone I am the representative of my place of business and it’s my responsibility to keep guests comfortable. If there was someone I genuinely clicked with well I’d just have to hope he’d be the one to make a move. Granted my experience is different as I’ve never been asked out at work and I’m not a woman with all the bs that entails. I went to a restaurant recently where I felt like the waiter might have been into me and I didn’t do anything at the time. If I go back and I get a similar vibe from him I’d probably leave a note with the bill saying something like “hi here’s my snapchat if you’re interested, hope I didn’t misread anything.” I wouldn’t want to ask anyone out on the spot because it does seem intrusive and unfair.
No, I'm a woman and I feel the same. I've hated every second of having to serve guys that seem to feed off of me being uncomfortable. However, if someone politely shoots their shot and then leaves without leaving me feel pressured, I think that's totally fine. It's totally okay to be attracted to someone else, it's not okay to make it their problem. People who come on too strong make my skin crawl, because they already don't care how I feel about how they treat me. It's a huge red flag. People that respect my feelings, my boundaries, and my wishes get green flags. And even though I am not on the market, I make a point of being up front that I appreciate their approach, but I have to refuse their offer based on factors outside of their control.
I'm a cancer survivor/patient of 22 years and I remember getting barraged with questions (from people who didn't actually care) about my illness that were uncomfortable and rude. I didn't feel like it was their right to know just so they could tell everyone else. OP had every right to say what she said and if it had been me, I wouldn't have been anywhere near as nice as she was. Nobody has the right to say those things to anyone, but most especially not someone who is battling or has battled cancer. Thank God my brothers-in-law are very protective of me and would never do that. Unreal.🤬
I used to work somewhere where folk with families would have first refusal for the most popular holiday dates. The implication was that those spending time with chosen family/on their own (and at a loved one's graveside in one case) didn't have equal right to live their lives outside of work - they had a duty to enable this for those who were lucky enough to have kids.
I can’t count how many times I’ve been told I HAVE to work the late night/weekend overtime shifts because I don’t have children to take care of. You don’t have children? So you must fill in and lose your free time because other made the decision to have kids.
People with kids (usually) see their kids every day, for other people that day might be a rare occasion to see (or commemorate) a loved one who perhaps doesn't live nearby. Everyone deserves time off and the booking process should be fair to everyone. If it's a childcare issue and they genuinely can't find anyone to mind their child, then maybe have colleagues team up to take turns caring for each other's children during the school holidays or have a workplace holiday club for them to attend.
People still have families even if they're not married or don't have kids. I can't imagine how awful it would feel to be denied holiday time off because the time I spend with my family on the holidays isn't as valuable because they're not my spouse or kids.
I am learning so much from these videos! Thank you Shaaba😊 I have autism, and sometimes I say the wrong things, and this helps me to think about how other people would perceive what I tell them.
That’s why i love these videos too! There’s a couple other channels with really good commentary and insight on AITA stories, and I feel like it really helps my autistic self understand other people 😊
@@clairebear-96 hello I just wanted to say since I saw your comment that I started watching Mark's videos and I've really enjoyed them. I didn't think I would because the thumbnails look super clickbaity but yeah! I did not check out the other channel yet bc Mark has so much content I haven't needed to but I'll keep them in mind for if I ever want more to watch. Edit: I am also autistic hehe
@@oli_kate Aww good I’m glad you like them! I know his thumbnails do look a little click baity lmao but he’s my favorite channel! Like his voice is so soothing and he’s so kindhearted and always has great commentary!
i get why the customer is confused as to why he was rude but one thing to remember is that the waitress never knows if the guy hitting on her is a regular guy or a potential danger. She probably gets hit on multiple times a day everyday, so the odds of at least one of them being a danger is significant. So of course anytime she gets hit on she will get anxious and annoyed at this, especially since the people hitting on her know where she works and could come back to bother her. From her perspective, she has a lot to deal with. So its best not to flirt with or ask your server out, regardless of how much you like them or how polite your are with your flirtation
Exactly. A man's sexual interest never trumps a woman's safety. If he *really* liked the woman he would have respected her job and respected the threat a stranger poses. I mean, as a woman, it always feels like if you reject a man you're facing a 50/50 odds that he will become verbally or physically violent, threatening or stalking... or just go about his day. Those are big odds. I think male privilege means men don't know what it's like to have to be hypervigilent in every encounter with a stranger bc your literal life could be at risk. Shaba very patiently explained that so well
I'm a woc woman who has worked in retail. A number left is fine, as long as they don't come stalk me afterwards. If I never see you again and just have this number, then that puts the power in my hands. It is way less awkward than them asking for my number or any other actions that would make it awfully uncomfortable. But that's just my personal two cents.
I've swapped holiday leave and days off with colleagues. Usually I didn't have something specific planned other than collapsing in a heap on the settee. I have also refused to swap because once in a blue moon I had something planned or the person who asked me to swap is selfish and really unpleasant and I can gloat as I veg out on the settee. Regarding the phone number thing, ' You look really cute' is really not something I'd welcome either. A bit objectifying. As for the cancer thing, the brother is a massive arsehole although his girlfriend isn't exactly blessed with social skills either.
About the second story. I'm afab and work retail. I've been hit on and overall treated poorly by men, customers, AND colleagues that I now wear a band on my ring finger while at work even tho I'm single. I still get glances and stared at, tho I haven't gotten comments such as "What's a pretty thing like you doing working here?" If I gave more examples, this would be an essay
Had another thought regarding the first story and figured why not comment again for the algorithm, haha. So, a few years back, I commented to a coworker how ridiculous it was to spend so much money on tickets to see a baseball game in person. She replied back, “you don’t like sports so of course you wouldn’t understand the value or importance,” and she told me to not be so dismissive. I immediately apologized and admitted that it was wrong of me to make judgments of what was worth spending money on. And similarly here: if someone wants to spend their PTO playing a new video game the whole day, that’s totally fair. Stop shaming people for their interests. ❤
As someone who has to book time off in a similar way (if another person has booked it off before me, I can’t have that day off), it’s simple enough to be polite and cordial to your colleagues in asking if you can swap round some shifts and whatnot. And if it’s still not possible, be understanding!!
The waitress was just doing her job being friendly but I will say, the way the guy approached it is far less creepy than some other tactics. I think he genuinely meant well in this particular case. That's the sort of move that, if she did have similar ideas, would be the stuff of rom com legend. I get that 99% of the time, it is weird af to be asked out at work, but very occasionally a spark happens 🤷♀️
I get the feeling the guy may have been autistic too... Especially since they asked for clarification on their actions... The information available on "socially acceptable ways/places to ask for a date" out there really don't point out things like " service workers are obligated to be nice to you... Do not believe it to be anything more than that" in face the majority of "dating advice" out there for boys/ men is still more toxic "don't give men microphones" type stuff.... Even if he was Allistics, finding places where real information is available outside of toxic mindset is usually hard. I was actually surprised there weren't more comments on that thread from the "alpha male dating advice" dudes going off😅🥺
I’m female and I feel like while I wouldn’t be comfortable being put on the spot like that in front of everyone else at the table, I would appreciate the guy giving me his number being polite about it and not demanding, even if he did read the behavior wrong. Of course, the waitress may not know that his intentions were genuine and not meant to make her uncomfortable. But knowing his thoughts on his actions, I think Shaaba saying that anyone disagreeing with her is ‘coming from a place of privilege’ is a bit rash. And this is coming from someone who, for personal reasons, feels uncomfortable around straight men.
@@krystaloftheshores Same, on that last part. I'm a disabled gurl of colour and when she was like "if you disagree, you're a white man" I was really confused? Can we not equate opinions to race please?
1 - The way I understood it, they'd booked the Friday off and Mother's Day is usually on a Sunday, so the colleague still had the Saturday for travelling if needed and could have booked the Monday off instead if they wanted more family time. Also, if they genuinely needed two days to travel, then they should have booked it earlier if their company has a limit on number of people off on the same day. My boyfriend's old company wasn't very good at committing to his time off (boss would often say things like "I *might* be booking some time off around then, can you wait?" or ask for last minute date changes to booked leave). This caused quite a bit of stress around making plans and booking leave, especially when it wasn't for something with booked travel and accommodation (also a major factor in him leaving for another job). Respect people's booked time off and if you *really* need someone to swap then ask everyone to make it fair. 2 - The context is *very* important here - a stranger doing their job isn't call to hit on them (even the "compliment" was iffy) and they have no idea how you'll react to their response. If it was a regular haunt and they'd had quite a few in depth conversations (not just smiling and being nice), then maybe it would be warranted but not after such a brief interaction. 3 - The girlfriend's comments were completely inappropriate regardless of the context, especially the relentlessness of them. The sister may have been the one who was noticed, but she didn't cause the scene! Also, why are the brother and his girlfriend the only ones who are allowed to share news at a family event? It also sounds like the sister didn't actually *want* to share her news, but the girlfriend unintentionally forced her to.
About the comment about potential autism on the last one, I just have something to say: even if they were autistic, that is not an excuse to say stuff like that to people. Autism or not, telling someone how they should look is just an arseholey thing to do. Autism does not make you insult people. I am autistic and so are basically all of my friends and sure, it makes you put your foot in your mouth sometimes, but not stuff like that. There is a line between being brutally honest and insulting people, and being autistic does not prevent you from learning where that line is. You might cross it a little by mistake (and then learn your lesson afterwards), but not repeated incidents. Those repeated comments are not autistic behaviour, they are arseholey behaviour. Although yes, you can be autistic and an arsehole. If someone goes around commenting on other's appearance and then tries to use their autism as an excuse and refuses to learn, that definitely makes them an arsehole.
I totally agree that it isn't an excuse and autism doesn't MAKE you say ride things, but it can prevent you from REALIZING something is rude until you are explicitly told that, even if the social etiquette seems obvious to others. I see it as an explanation not an excuse. So if she genuinely didn't realize that those are hurtful things to say, then I'd say it's not her fault but it is her problem (making she should apologize and stop doing so in the future)
Exactly, I’m Autistic and admittedly have pretty poor social skills especially in ‘new people’ small talk type situations. I would never comment on someone’s looks like comment on their face shape, or other aesthetics if it wasn’t in a positive way but I could definitely be the type of person who would ask someone I was talking with or nearby if they wanted me to grab a drink, food etc. if I was going to get that too. I myself don’t drink alcohol so I’m never pushy about my requests especially in regards to anything alcoholic, but I probably would be the person who asked out of trying to be polite, if they were sure I couldn’t get them something, or asking again later on in the night/later in the conversation if I was heading out again especially if they’d declined my offer before. For example my thinking would be, maybe they’re more hungry or thirsty now than they were before because it’s later on. So I’m asking trying to be considerate or polite but if it’s a particularly sore subject or something that is a big deal to you, I could definitely see the frequent questions becoming annoying and taken as pushy. In this case someone would need to tell me “I’m not drinking alcohol tonight” or “thanks for asking but if I want you to get something for me, I’ll ask” - that way I’d understand otherwise I would tend to think they’re just declining that one offer in that instance instead of a blanket thing. Similarly if someone said to me, especially snapped at me, after I was talking with them or had asked them something and just said “I have Cancer” while I’d be sad, empathetic and give them my condolences or words of support - I wouldn’t connect them saying that to me (even in a raised voice completely out of context) because they were frustrated with my actions or previous comments during the night. I’d likely assume it had taken them a while to get up the courage to tell me/announce it and that they were frustrated or worried with their situation (having cancer) not me making comments that (to me) are completely unrelated. I definitely wouldn’t have put the rounded face comment, not drinking and short hair together with anything to do with cancer because those conversations to me would seem completely unrelated. So I wouldn’t have apologised for what I said or my actions because I wouldn’t have realised that that’s what OP was feeling annoyed or hurt about. If OP had told me in this situation, you said this and that which are things that have happened because of the cancer and those things are a sensitive subject or hurt me to talk about or hear - then yes obviously, even if I hadn’t meant those comments to be taken that way I absolutely would sincerely apologise and feel bad about it for weeks (probably the rest of my life tbh) because in my mind I was making conversation and being considerate not insulting someone about sensitive side effects to having cancer.
If the waitress felt the spark and said something then her boss could fire her if the customer complained. Leave your number, no pressure, but not on the bill!!! They can't keep that and taking a picture of it is so gauche and could get her fired! Leave a card with a note that is easy to dispose of.
I agree leaving a number and a polite note after the meal is the least threatening way you could possibly approach this. I don’t think you’re likely to have much luck with this approach but it’s pretty much harmless. It leaves the decision completely up to the server as to whether they want to call you or just trash it.
@@mikaylaeager7942 No, you probably won't have much luck, however that's true any way you approach it. In all probability the waitress was just doing her job and you're just another customer to her. On the other hand, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take. At least this way your stray shot is less likely to cause any harm.
@@jakeand9020 Yeah all of the "ABSOLUTE YTA!!" verdicts here seem a bit.. over the top to me? I am a woman, and I have bartended. I was always very smiley and engaged with customers, because to me that was doing a good job. If a guy then asked for my number, yes it made me feel uncomfortable, but I just deflected the advance and moved on. I agree that I think leaving a written note with the receipt would be the best way to go because it doesn't put the woman on the spot in any way. That said, I don't think there is that much harm in him taking a chance, and he was polite about it and not being a complete pervert. We live in the age of online dating but that, as an experience, can be bloody awful and it isn't always easy to successfully meet people that way. And before that was an option, people started relationships organically like this all the time. My parents met when she was waiting and he was a customer, and so if they hadn't chatted and hit it off, I wouldn't even exist. If I had to give a verdict on this situation I'd be going NAH for sure.
@@Fragmented_Mask I'm not saying it's definitely the case here, but I also think there's a difference between "they chatted and hit it off" (like the conversation topic strayed from work-related things and you have a solid foundation of common interests, especially in the case of a "regular customer" type relationship where you get to know each other over time) vs "she was cute and was nice to me." Because in the latter case ofc the niceness is just her doing her job. It's a tricky thing to navigate for sure, but nothing in OP's post makes me think the conversation went beyond the server doing her job. All he says is "she was friendly and attentive" which sounds like a job description but not a genuine connection. I like what Shaaba says about OP not necessarily being AN asshole, just that he was probably not right in this particular situation. I also think it's worth keeping in mind that even if your experience seems similar to that of others, perhaps the more enthusiastic "YTA"s are coming from a set of experiences that might be different in the details, where people would just much prefer if nobody hit on them while they were at work, for whatever reason.
As someone who both loves video games and has friends who were fiending about the new LoZ title, I’m so tired of people being judgy over someone’s excitement to take a day off to play a new release-basically a vacay day to do whatever you want. I had one friend take the Friday off; I had another friend try to schedule how he’d pick the game up before heading on his camping trip so he’d have it during down time; I had another friend beat the main story in a couple of days after she got home from her job. This was an exciting release for them and should be celebrated. It’s not OP’s fault that their coworker decided to procrastinate and then be salty when she couldn’t also get the day off. Don’t devalue other people’s reasons for wanting a ME day just because you don’t enjoy the same activities.
@@esf34147 - I think it’s just a general dig at how “adults valuing time to play video games is immature and foolish,” regardless of the comparison. For someone like that, taking time off for a video game is a waste of a vacation day, so it should have been given to someone wanting to visit family instead. But absolutely: OP has no obligation to sacrifice their PTO for someone else’s family.
And let's be honest here! If it was any other solo experience other than video games, there probably wouldn't be as big an 'issue' in the eyes of other people. Let's say that OP had been really excited to, say, go to a museum/zoo/gallery/market on that day, on their own, because the location was opening their newest exhibit/area/whatever. It's really the same thing; being excited to do something all day, on your own, for only your own enjoyment, at the first possible opportunity, despite the fact that you could easily just wait to do it the day after. The only difference would be that a museum/zoo/gallery/market involve going outside, so there's less stigma surrounding them as a leisure activity. But, at the end of the day, they're all something that's reasonable to get excited for after you've, you know... booked the day months in advance? It's reasonable to be adverse to the idea of building up these expectations, only to have them dashed and have that day basically 'ruined' (in comparison to what you had planned) because some stranger wants their desires (not needs! desires!) put first.
The one and only time I tried to take time off, they screwed me right over! I asked before I even booked the tickets for 4 days off so I could go to Scotland for a concert. They agreed and we confirmed it once I got the confirmation for the concert tickets. Bare in mind this was like 5 months or so ahead of time! Then 3 weeks before I was due to go, they said they’ve changed the rota and I now only have the concert off. The issue with this is I live on an island so I have to go over at least the night before the concert and be back the day after the concert. So at a minimum I’d need the 3 days. I again reminded them that they already gave me this time off and I’m leaving the island. I can’t change it. They said I’d be getting my hours cut in half if I didn’t turn up for my shift. So I gave the tickets to my brother and missed it. I also started searching for a new job.
i used to work at a bookstore and was having really good back and forth about mycology with a guy and he asked for my number but it caught me off guard and i told him i was in a relationship. if he had left me his number instead that would’ve given me the opportunity to take it and think about whether i wanted to text him or not. generally i’ve had great conversations with many customers at my retail jobs but i would never make a move on anyone just because i don’t wanna make a customer uncomfortable. really i think people just need to be a lot more aware of the fact that employees are being nice to you and taking ur compliments because that’s their job. if ur having great conversation where you think they’re actually interested in you and not just doing their job don’t make any comments that could make them uncomfortable like (talking about their outfit) and discreetly leave them your number, and if they don’t text u don’t go back at least not for a while
There was a department in the grocery store I worked at that sold liquor. (State law means certain booze has to be sold in its own little store) I got so many creepy old men hitting on me. I have a silver ring that I would wear on my left hand and would have the night manager walk me out in case someone didn't want to leave me alone.
To be honest, it's not just at work that women are being approached in a creepy manner. I have been asked by random men who just briefly saw me walking down the street for my contact details quite a few times. Also they often don't seem to understand why that is not something you should be doing.
I get creeped out the most by the ones who ask for my address. Like right off the bat, hardly a word exchanged between us. It's like dude, that screams "they'll find my body parts in shallow graves". After dodging the request numerous times I actually had to say to a man " I am not giving you my address" bc he kept ploughing over every signal I put out that said "NO"
That’s a good point. Maybe I’m just naive, but I was so stuck on the genuine politeness and no mention of sinister ulterior motive that I overlooked the discomfort of a guy giving a girl his number after one interaction. Plus, the social acceptance part of it is confusing because I’ve heard many cases of women being ready to jump at any phone number a guy gives them, but maybe my being autistic makes it difficult for me to see where the line is drawn sometimes. Idk. That story in particular feels slightly gray to me.
@Shannon Lavery I'm not intimately familiar with autism, but what little I do know is some people who are autistic have trouble reading social cues. Is that your experience? BC if so that would make sense why it seems gray to you. It's really all about: 1) place, 2) time, 3) power. Is the woman/female presenting person at a workplace? Does her livelihood depend on customer service or tips? (Example: restaurants, retail) Is the amount of time spent with a customer reflected in their job performance? Does the woman have the agency to say "No" without putting her income stream at risk? When you look at it like that you can see it's the wrong time, wrong place, and a power imbalance (woman can't leave or even reject without risk). All that makes that situation a hard "No". Men need to learn that just bc a woman is in public it does not mean she's an available target. They need to learn that many times you just need to let one go. Like yelling out a car window... how is that interaction possibly going to evolve? The man is in a moving vehicle. Does he think the woman is suddenly going to sprint alongside the vehicle and hold a conversation? No, let that one go. See a cute waitress? She is literally working, she doesn't have time for a conversation (and as aforementioned can't reject without fear of losing employment). No, let that one go. The men who do these inappropriate things are basing their entire interaction solely on what the woman/presenting looks like - the time and place don't allow for anything other than a superficial interest. And given that attractive women are a dime a dozen, we're everywhere, life will not end if these men simply recognize they need to let that one go and not engage. Some men are just ignorant about that and some have an entitlement toward women. Also, sometimes women just want to be by themselves, or just connect with their female friends. Simply existing in public does not signal sexual availability. Hope that helps. Edit: typo
@@bossyboots5000 Yes, being autistic means that social cues-ESPECIALLY subtle/gray ones can be difficult to wrap our minds around and understand how to apply or work with. It probably doesn’t help that in all few of my close relationships with men, my boundaries have been questioned, so maybe the op’s politeness in the second story came off as more accepting to me as an uncommonly polite way of showing interest in a female, despite the many factors that say otherwise.
I’m in my late 20s and have since developed what I consider to be pretty good, or at least very functional social skills, even in the subtlety department, but I know I’m not perfect and it seems like I misinterpreted this one.
Is it only weird to me that the gf doesn't already know the sister has cancer? She's already going through effing chemo and she didn't bother telling her brother, or he didn't tell his girlfriend about this huge life altering thing? This says something about the relationship and level of trust there for sure. And maybe when you first find your sister is going through something like that you should care more about what's important than the way she revealed it... I'm starting to see why she didn't say anything.
I think it was only news to the rest of the party - sounds like the girlfriend and brother new, the GF just didn’t know what comes with it (and was all around terrible at talking to people).
If you make several comments about a person that they are basically ugly Over...and over...and over. Yeah they kind of deserve to be called out I mean they SURVIVED cancer only to get it again! The fact they are handling it well is a miracle in of itself.
Frankly, on the contrary to what their brother apparently thought, I think for number 3 being blunt was probably the best choice. As someone who is not on the spectrum (presumably - I've been evaluated a few times and I'm just shy of a proper diagnosis, so I consider myself more severely socially anxious and awkward than anything) but incredibly dense sometimes, I will sometimes completely miss the social cue that I'm bordering on a topic that shouldn't be touched upon right now. A quick, blunt response usually helps me get the message. Even if social obliviousness wasn't the problem, it'd still very much achieve the same result of bringing the conversation to a close.
Thank you so much for explaining why OP2 is an asshole. I really hope it helped some viewers understand a bit better why this kind of situation is not ok.
Hmmm so interesting with the one about the waitress, because I think if he had just left his number and said call me if you want to, maybe without the comment, that would be fine because it is totally giving her the choice and not asking her to act inappropriately at work, so he isn't pressuring her to do anything. That's how I would feel as a woman who has worked as a waitress before anyway! But I do feel that the comment was maybe a bit much. Love these videos :) x
I feel the same way. The initial compliment was too much, but giving her the agency to contact him without expecting an answer right then and there was the right thing to do.
And I feel the exact opposite. Commenting on her outfit is completely fine. Anyone of any gender could make that comment and it doesn't have to be a sexual advance. I compliment my students' outfits all the time. It's just being nice. Leaving your phone number completely crosses a line because as was already explained, it's her job to be nice. She wasn't flirting.
IMO, nothing wrong with the compliment, nor leaving his number. However, don't write the number on the receipt, write it on something she can keep or throw away. Seriously though, don't put her on the spot by mentioning the number or handing it to her directly. Leave it on the table at your place setting, if she's interested she'll find it.
@@Aaaa-gs7ww Of course not. I was quite clearly speaking of compliments in general. There is nothing inherently sexual or inappropriate about commenting on someone's shirt. If that is all he had done that would be fine. There is always something inherently inappropriate about giving someone your phone number/asking someone out when they're at work.
So I work at a video game store and I had requested that Friday off so I could travel to be with my mum as well. Obviously with such a huge game coming out my time off was refused and guess what? We ended up celebrating a couple days after. Imagine that? Spending time with your mum cause you want to and not cause it's been dictated by the calendar. Lmao at the first story. Absolutely NTA. Poor planning on her part does not constitute an emergency for him.
Wow, I'm so surprised with the waitress thing. I worked as a barkeeper on med-fantasy festivals all around Germany and sometimes in the Netherlands for 6,5 years, and the way he explains what happened, I would have thought it was nice. He made a compliment once, and at the end says he likes me and would like to stay in touch and gives his number. Thus letting me free to throw the number in the trash and never contacting me again. Maybe that's because the overwhelming majority of my customers weren't @ssholes. I was the leader of the cocktail and rum bar (pirate bar, I was the captain), and frankly, we barely ever had any problems. Most of our guests were super lovely, even if some might be exhausting when they are drunk (like one of our old pirate friends, so I was mainly taking over when he was getting drunk so my younger staff wouldn't have to deal with him. I'd say my four years of working in a retirement home gave me some experience with dealing with annoying older people XD ) I exchanged numbers with guys quite a few times, mainly because we enjoyed chatting. None of them ever turned into a boyfriend. None of them ever was a stalker. Some of them already took holidays to help me build up or down the bar before/after the market, just to help because they enjoyed the atmosphere I was creating. Many of my ex-guests (I stopped working because of a burn out - too much work, too less sleep for way too long- at the end of 2019) So for me, the way he did it, it doesn't sound pushy or agressive or anything, if she didn't vibe, she could throw the number away. Much better than asking for her number in my opinion, because then she has to make a choice right then and there, might feel like she has no choice, might give up a fake number because she doesn't feel like seeing no, what could lead to the guy being pissed off because she lied, ... He gave up a possibility and she can do whatever she wants with it. Now I know not all guys are like that, that some are deranged,... But the maybe 2 times it happened, I told them if they didn't move away I'd call the security, they shut up and left. Maybe it's because it's Germany, though. I remember in Belgium I wasn't that confident as a woman walking around at night. Here in Germany, I never had any problems when I worked in a hotel and came back every night between midnight and 4am. I don't know, it's weird for me to see it like he was an @sshole for doing what he did. He seemed to have been respectful and didn't coerce her in doing anything. He wasn't threatening. Also, I don't really feel like it's especially because she was "nice to him" that he did that, but mainly because he thought she was cute. If she had been outside, he could have asked her to have a drink, but she was working. Whatever, I'l take my Ace demiromantic ass out of there and go back to stay alone at home so I don't have to try to navigate social life as it seems I don't understand it.
Depending on where it takes place, it could also be an issue of customer culture. At least in the US, we tend to have a very "the customer is always right" attitude with weak labor protections, so servers and other people in hospitality jobs are often in a tricky place where their boss won't automatically take their side and customers act entitled to staff. The other thing too is that if it takes place in a tipping restaurant, getting a decent wage is dependent on "going above and beyond" in customer service because restaurants are exempt to normal minimum wage requirements (in some places it's as low as about 2 USD).
For the 3rd one... The only AH is the brother. I'm both chronically ill (Crohn's) and neurodivergent (ADHD). I've been on both sides of this awkward questions situation, and also work with Autistic children, teenagers and have other ND friends. There is a very good chance that the the girlfriend was talking about OPs differences because she simply noticed that they were different, since it was a couple of years since they last saw each other, and wanted to know why, and might have been conerned. OP telling the girlfriend that she has Cancer was giving her the information she was missing and probably stopped all the other questions in their tracks, without the girlfriend thinking it was rude. TLDR: The girlfirend lacking social skills doesn't make her an AH, or necessarily "rude". The brother telling OP/his sister that her FREAKING CANCER DIAGNOSIS was inconvenient to him was. The girlfriend wasn't aware of the social faux pas, the brother DEFINITELY was.
I don't know, I feel like its a very arseholey act to comment on someone's appearance unsolicited. Like even if OP didn't have cancer, its mean to say someone's face is too round for their haircut or saying that they should wear jewellery because of their face or what not. Even if the wife was remorseful once it was revealed OP had cancer, imagine if she didn't. Imagine how bad Op might feel then? I think at some point, you should hold people accountable for their mean words and actions even if they may have difficulties in social situations.
@@gabeitch2694 I agree, being neurodivergent doesn't mean you get to be an asshole to everyone. Neurodivergent people can be taught. They're (we're) not stupid you know. The wife commenting on how she looked and how her hairstyle didn't fit in her opinion, is an ashole move. OP can look in a mirror you know.
I had vacation left from last year. 3 weeks in fact and requested time off. I was granted that time etc. When my co-workers asked what I plan to do and I said "Nothing. I just wanna sleep in and just. exist for 3 weeks and maybe meet some friends" they all looked at me weirdly bcs 'then you could work you don't plan anything' I DUNNO i just planned !! on being spontaneous for 3 weeks. Ppl are just weird about their co-workers free time.
I overheard a conversation similar to the second story. This guy was convinced that because the Starbucks barista was friendly, he thought it meant there was a connection and not just that he wanted to date her but he was SURE she wanted to date him. He didn't understand or see that ALL the baristas were the same sort of friendly. Makes me feel bad for people that have to be socially friendly for their job. Don't assume, let them ask if they want your number and if they don't say something, leave them alone. I'm sure in this day and age when someone wants your attention they will say so, but also a "no, thanks" is a valid answer.
I am SO GLAD that op's friends called out his behavior in the moment. Like bravo to them.. we need more friends like this. Wait staff are *almost NEVER flirting with you. They are actors and actresses PAID to make you feel special. Full stop. This is the kind of attitude that makes men believe strippers are there girlfriends. In this situation the server, regardless of gender, should ALWAYS be the one to make the first move if they're interested.
I once had a manager who would wear a fake wedding ring during interviews because guys she was interviewing kept hitting on her--yes, prospective employees, people who were applying to *work for her*, thought it was acceptable to make a pass during their interview.
I worked as a flight attendant for 8 years... the amount of men who hit on me was disgusting. I've had a handful even suggest I meet them in the lavs to "join the mile high club." Just ew. The funny thing was the guys who told me my outfit looked nice (and like op some said it suits me). It's a uniform!! All of us on the crew wear the same. Lay off!
I worked as a bartender when I was 18 - 19, having to deal with creepy adult men always made me so uncomfortable.. I remember one very distinct time, it was pretty late and one of the guys sitting at the bar was already quite tipsy, and since I was new he came over to introduce himself to me. We had a little chat, casual, back and forth, then at the end he smiled and reached out his hand to shake mine. I went to shake his hand goodbye, but instead of shaking my hand like I expected him to, he took my hand and freakin' kissed it. I was 18 and this guy was significantly older, it was disgusting. I then had to awkwardly excuse myself from behind the bar so I could go wash my hands before handling anyone else's drinks or meals, which was a pain. Guys.. Don't do this, it's nasty.
Now feels like a good time to point out that Mother's Day is on Sunday. Why couldn't the coworker take off the following monday, travel Saturday and come back Monday, if they simply HAD to have a full day wherever they were going. Not that it matters because it's absolutely nobody's business to judge what you need your PTO for. It's actually encouraged at my work place to take 'mental health' days if you're feeling close to burn out.
Because a lot of the time Mother’s Day is a family gathering. In my family it’s the one weekend we all always get together no matter what. Sometimes we have to do it on a Tuesday or a Friday because that’s what works for all of us, but we always make it work. With Mother’s Day there are other people involved AND a specific date because it is a holiday. I don’t care about the reason for your vacation day, and I myself cover shifts for anyone and everyone who asks (if I am able to) regardless of their reason. In this situation however I think it’s more important to consider if that particular date is relevant. Obviously it’s not OP’s fault their boss granted him the request off and didn’t grant the coworker the day off, however I think it should be taken into consideration that he can have any day off to play video games. Literally any other day. It doesn’t have to be the day the game is released. It can be the next day or the next week or he can even start the game after work one day. He’s still deserving of his full day off, but he has less to lose by scheduling his day off on a different date. Any time there are other people involved, tickets bought, travel plans made, or time-sensitive things like specific holidays (in this case the coworker had three of the above involved), that takes precedence and while he is not obligated to trade, it’s still very inconsiderate of him to not only not trade but also be rude about it. Anything that is able to be rescheduled or moved to another day is like one half step below anything that can’t, regardless of how much you personally value the activity or reason for it. Why couldn’t OP take off literally any other day of literally any other week? The coworker has multiple reasons why their request is time-sensitive. Ultimately, the asshole is Nintendo because they have dissuaded many Americans from spending time with their mothers that weekend 😂 /s
A wrinkle to the US Mother's Day thing. If I understood it correctly, the day off in question is Friday. Mother's Day is always on Sunday, so co-worker would have had Saturday to travel (assuming a M-F job here).
Right? That's what I was thinking. I don't know how far away this person lives from their mother, but if it's so far away that they need two days to get there, wouldn't they also need to take off Monday and Tuesday? It seems suspiciously like this person could have seen their mother on Mother's Day regardless and actually wanted to spend an extended weekend with her. Which should have been planned for just like any vacation anybody wants to take.
Yeah. some folks have no issue telling you their thoughts on your looks at all. Spent part of my childhood being told "You have a high forehead, so you should have bangs." I told that to my MIL and bless her heart was like "Well you do but that's no reason to push bangs on to someone." She genuinely didn't realize what she said til later and apologized. Honestly, it was kind of hilarious to me. 🤣
Having a high forehead is not shameful though. MIL was just saying it factually, but the key message is “that’s no reason to push bangs on someone”. I’m a bigger girl. It’s a fact. But there is a huge difference between saying “omg how can you ever dare to wear that top when you are so fat” and “maybe that style of top is not the most flattering on you because it over-emphasises you stomach and I know you don’t like that”.
honestly imo with the last one i think even if she didn't intend to be the girlfriend is still an ahole too. I feel like it's a bit like the second story in a way where it wasn't your intention but you still were an ahole
You are so remarkably eloquent and empathetic in your explanation. I would never have had the patience to explain to a guy why it's a total douche move (and kinda threatening) to hit on waitresses, when they cannot reject you or call you out on being inappropriate bc she'd lose her job. Over a creepy douche. I applaud your ability to do that.
I think complimenting her outfit was weird. Confessing interest without expectation of an direct answer doesn't seem inappropriate, because she confessing her interest would put her workin danger that would be unprofessional crossing the border between professional and customer.
I don't think complimenting her outfit was too bad either? I think it really boils down to "unfortunately, this is something they have to deal with constantly, you'll just be another hindrance no matter what." But the way he went about it, not knowing that, was probably the best he could do. It's generally more respectful to compliment someone's outfit than their actual physical appearance (something they chose to do with their appearance VS something they have no control over), and he left the note giving her the option to text, or not, later. Had the reality of the service industry been less... frankly, depressing, his behaviour would have been perfectly polite. We just have to be aware of the unfortunate reality.
well the issue is that him hitting on her, whether or not be expected a direct answer or not, still lets her know "oh, this guy is interested in me" so now she has to be anxious and worry about whether or not he's just a regular polite guy or another one of the many creepy guys who might come back to harass her or worse. By virtue of him being a stranger meeting her at her place of work, thats going to put her in a scary position when she is being asked out. So its best to avoid it entirely.
Yeah, having worked in service as a woman, I would be more upset about being hit on at work than being given someone's number as they were leaving (providing they didn't hassle me in any other way). The issue here is that the wait staff are in their place of work - they're not allowed to flirt with the customers or give out their own number, however cute they might think the customer is. On the flip side, they also can't be rude to customers even if they are being made to feel uncomfortable. IMO It's OK to think someone is attractive and register interest, it's not OK to hit on them while they're at work. I think leaving a number is a grey area here (as it's offering to flirt with them out of a work environment) but if you WERE going to leave a number, it would be very important to make sure that it's crystal clear that if they are not interested in you, you won't be offended. Also, frankly, it's pretty unlikely the person is going to be interested in you.
The customer service one is great to think about! What is acceptable etiquette in these situations? I've worked customer service for a long time and don't get the same flirtatious attention (anymore) as my co-workers who are read as women. There is definitely an entitlement thing that happens. Like the just straight up asking customer service people on dates (sometimes repeatedly!) while they are on a shift thing is bananas to me!! Stop that! And yeah, I also have an "on" face for customer service that is just me doing me job, usually not because I'm actually interested. 😂I personally don't think there is anything wrong with just leaving a number on a receipt at the table, if that's truly all you are doing. But good to know that might be uncomfortable for people too. But yeah, you gotta leave the ball in the other person's court so to speak because of the power dynamics! Compliments can be chill, but stick to something small that is a personal choice (I like your earrings! You have a cool haircut! rather than "nice smile") and avoid assuming you know anything about the person (That outfit really suits you). Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.
I would have much more sympathy for the OP's coworker from the first story if it was some sort of change of plans, an actual emergency if you will. Idk, her mum recently fell ill or she was sure she will have to work the weekend but in the end for some reason has it off and would love to have the Friday off, her travel plans got cancelled and she's working around them. Whatever. Obviously, it would still not make the OP obliged to give off their day off, but I'd say the coworker wasn't an asshole for asking. Mother's Day is not exactly a surprise (although I am a bit surprised it's such a big day for enough people in the company they need to limit time offs) and the coworker really should have planned better. If she didn't no harm in asking if OP would agree to give up his day off, but to go around calling him an asshole when he says no? what the heck. that's messed up in every possible scenario here
That's exactly what I thought too, your mother is ill and you want to go see her, yeah sure we can swap I'll play Zelda another day. You just poorly planned your holiday? Well tough luck for you ^^'
I want to add something regarding story #2, as a lot of people seem to think that he was nice about it, and it was no big deal. You should never approach someone with romantic interest while they have limited agency to give you a really clear and resounding 'no'. If someone is being nice to you when it's their job, it 100% does not mean they are interested in you. Leave service workers alone. Sure, there's one-offs and exceptions, but most likely you're the fourteenth person today to make a comment like that and they want to scream at you instead...and even though they are still smiling, it doesn't mean they're happy. It means the job requires a level of politeness even if all they really want to do is tear your face off and flush it down the toilet.
As someone who's been in the customer service industry, I think what OP did was toeing the line for me. Since he was giving her the number as he was leaving, I wouldn't have felt threatened unless he came back. If he came back after I tossed the number and asked me why I didn't text him, THAT would put me in a really sticky position. Honestly if he wanted to shoot his shot, I would rather he had written his number without talking to me so I didn't have to smile as he tried to ask me out. But overall, do not ask a worker out at their place of work because they cannot leave the situation. They HAVE to be nice and pleasant to you even when you're being a total creep. This guy wasn't but a lot of people can be. And they are on the clock and cannot leave to get away from you. Please do not force your presence on them. Let them do your job and leave.
I might have entertained the idea of giving up my previously booked day of if it was an emergency - like a person sitting next to me got a Phone call that someone close to them just landed In hospital or something of this magnitude. To travel for an informal event that takes place the next day, when they're fully aware that the person they want to meet lives far away - that's a no, dog. Also Mother's Day In Poland is on May 26th, I thinknin Canada it's earlier than the US, so honestly any date is good to celebrate, it's not like Christian or Hannukah or whatever else that has a specific, universal date.
I recently took a day off to play Jedi Survivor. It is like a vacation to me and family time with my brother. I got the excitement and happiness from that as uf I was going on a trip. No one would question you wanting a day for a trip. And you can't really wait to play games because of spoilers. If he asked it off early, then it is his. It is not his fault.
That whole "You love videogames more than family!" thing from the first story reminded me of a story with my mom. My younger sisters are in high school and they both play basketball. One night, they were both playing at their school so I came with my family to watch them play. After their games, I wanted to go home since I had work the next day but my parents wanted to stay behind and watch more games. I don't have a driver's license, so I needed one of my parents to take me home. My mom ended up offering to do it, but the whole ride I could tell she was mad at me. When we got home, she accused me of caring more about my phone than family (even though I wasn't missing my sister's games and I wanted to go home to get ready for work the next day). This isn't the same circumstances, obviously, but I still remember how much that accusation hurt and that phrase from the first story reminded me of it.
I don't know how but I wish certain things (like the power dynamic between customer-facing workers and customers) were explain in school? Maybe? I worked in fast food for a long time and I still didn't understand why it was weird to get hit on, I just knew it felt uncomfortable. But I chalked it up to being uncomfortable EVERY time I was hit on, at work or elsewhere. Maybe a high school-level psychology class could cover it...
Oh, and I have a comment about the wait staff one, I feel bad for the waitress because she might have actually had a nice experience with OP up until the phone number, and then boom, suddenly it feels incredibly insincere and she's been alienated. OP could have at least prefaced in some way that she didn't HAVE to take the number, and also put it on some other scrap of paper so that she could reject it if she wanted to. But that's all assuming she's okay with the uncomfortable confrontation of rejection
That last one. I know this isn't the point of OP's post, but the comment about her hair not suiting her face really hit me. When I was young, cutting my hair was just about the only thing I could do to alleviate my dysphoria, and even hairdressers would try to talk me out of haircuts, saying that my face was too round and they didn't want me to regret such a short haircut that wouldn't suit me.
The waitressing story hit so close to home for me. worked as a cashier at a grocery store and in food service for several years and the amount of times guys came, called me attractive, and just overall made me scared to walk back to my car after my shift is too long to even give a number. I had guys leave me notes, I had guys write numbers on receipts, I had guys sit and wait out to see when i get my break and would awkwardly sit with me and try to have conversation with me on my break and ask me on dates. I had guys ask me to prom (I was able to laugh at that one cause i was 22 and the kid was like 16 so i just told him i was too old for him). It would put me on edge whenever they returned to my workplace cause I would never know how they would treat me. Some would pester about how I haven't responded, and some would act like nothing happened, but I would never know until I had to put on my smile and welcome them to our store what their reaction would be to my not calling them or wanting to date them. Even let some of them know I had a boyfriend and that wouldn't deter them (I even had one guy start asking me if any of my friends were attractive and available, or if i had any younger sisters). My consensus is if you find an employee at an establishment attractive and you are a customer, don't say anything about it. You could compliment their outfit kindly, but that's about it. If you see them outside of their workplace, not in uniform, and on their own terms, then sure, ask them on a date or ask if they would be interested. And be sure you make it clear there's no expectations from this question.
I think even seeing someone outside of work can veer into creepy territory, so caution would be advised! Like if you meet the person outside of work, say at an event you're both attending, and genuinely hit it off that's one thing, but walking up to your server on the street "Hey you waited my table the other night, I thought you were cute, want my number?" could still set off alarm bells of "Did this customer follow me / do they know more about my personal life than I want them to / is the level of attention enough to raise red flags?" So some awareness of surroundings and context are key. I think one very important thing to keep in mind is: Is the setting something that is designed for socialization? If you're both having downtime at a bar as customers, participating in an activity that demonstrates common interests, or otherwise are on equal footing, then maybe it's okay to go for it. But like... you see someone on their daily commute, or shopping for groceries, or otherwise just trying to live their life, might be worth double checking yourself before approaching. And in all cases, still be aware of their personal signals - are they smiling and being polite because they want to move on with their day? (Or because they recognize you as a regular and don't want you to complain that they were rude even though they weren't on the clock?) Or is it genuine interest? As some folks have pointed out, the power dynamic of men generally seeing women as objects or seeing themselves as entitled to women's time/bodies/attention, that power dynamic still exists even outside of a workplace scenario. Doesn't mean nobody should ever hit on anybody, anywhere or anytime. Just that it's worth being deliberate about when and how.
The 2nd story I understand totally. I work as a vendor and artist alley coordinator for conventions and I've had numerous times that my vendors mistake my kindness and passion for my position for flirtatious behavior or advances as I'm attentive and help in every way I can to make their experience perfect with our convention. And as a vendor coordinator I provide my work cell number to vendors for emergencies and often have to tell folks to please not text me regarding "dates" or "are you single?" It's awful that being female presenting that folks think it's ok to break professional boundaries and become creeps..
I worked as a waiter pre-transition for years; never had any issues. AS SOON AS I STARTED TRANSITIONING (and worked as a bartender) I got so many people creeping on me when I was just trying to get my job done UGH
As for the day off, I would reply when pushed "I've talked about this thing that I'm planning on doing, but it's not the only reason I want the day off. It's just the only reason I've spoken about. Please do not assume such things about me." Because you are planning other things. Even if it's just breathing. None of her business.
Australian here - in regards to the first one, I agree with you Shaaba. We also celebrate Mother’s Day in May. This year I was going to treat my mum and sister-in-law to lunch but we were all sick Mother’s Day weekend. So we’re going this weekend
I have a motto that I use a lot it is "just because you didn't intend to hurt someone dosn't mean you are not responsable for hurting thrm" this works both ways just because I didn't intend to hurt someone with my words dosn't mean I didnt hurt them. Its like if someone grabed my arm to stop me from walking somewhere and I got a bruse, it dosn't matter that they didn't intend to hurt me, I still have a bruse on my arm.
Regarding the second story: when I was at Uni, I met a guy who wrote me a long and goofy love letter after talking about politics 4 times while were with a group of mutual friends. He was convinced that I was interested in him just because I literally spoke of whatever subject with him in a social gathering and had the habit of greeting him when I saw him. He also got really angry when I got back with my then boyfriend, with whom I had split a couple of months before, claiming some kind of property of myself with the aforementioned friends, who then started treating me poorly because I had hurt him. And this is why women are usually standoffish with strangers hitting on them randomly, especially at work.
I definitely agree with what was said about the second one. I worked as a cashier at a cafeteria in a factory and I do my best to be kind to people and I got sick of all the people hitting on me and trying to get my number or ask me to text them... Just because I am a kind, friendly person, I had, like, 10 people everyday try to hot on me. And if they gave me their number and I didn't contact them, they'd keep asking why I hadn't texted them... Seriously tiring...
I feel a little conflicted about the waitress story. AFAB ex-retail worker and I honestly feel he did the best he could in that situation if he was going to approach her. I completely agree with the issue of her just doing her job and the fact that she could feel uncomfortable (due to past advances and the inability to avoid a persistent ahole) however I feel like its also the only way OP could have shown his interest. Him complimenting her outfit didn't come across as rude to me, and when giving her his number he did make it clear she didn't have to call him - granted that was very direct and put her on the spot, even if he'd just left a note, I feel it could have been just as uncomfortable. I totally understand how uncomfortable unwanted advances are, but I also feel like there's no other way he could have gone about expressing a genuine interest in her if he had one. I think it's a bit absolutist to say men should never express interest in women if they first meet at her workplace, bc he doesn't necessarily have a way to approach her outside of work without 1000% being a creep now. I dunno, I guess some may say "if it's meant to be they'll meet elsewhere" or something but I just don't feel that's practical. Even if the interest was mutual, I also don't think it'd be professional for her to make the first move bc she is working, and I feel like people would have a completely different view if they got together ("oh that's such a cute story" sorta thing.) All in all, I don't know what the solution is or if there is one, but I (personally) still don't feel like OP as an individual was an asshole due to the way he as an individual went about everything, society as a whole just sucks. That being said, I do also appreciate that just because I wouldn't be super offended by it doesn't mean others wouldn't.
For the last one: If the SIL is autistic or even just socially awkward and not great at gauging what’s appropriate to say….. as both myself, I find it very important for people, especially loved ones, to let me know when I get it wrong and give me some idea why (don’t need to give me some super detailed breakdown every time, just a quick little tip so I know). I want and need kind correction. Even if it’s not something as drastic as cancer.
For the final story, how on Earth has the brother not mentioned it talked about the fact that his sister has cancer to the mother of his child?!?! Like it blows my mind that she wouldn't be aware of that even if they don't see them that often. That's the craziest part and it's 100% on the brother that he didn't tell his partner about that before going to see his sister.
The first one wasn't even the day before mother's Day. Mother's Day is on a Sunday in the US , not Saturday. Sorry my PTO was put in further ahead and approved. Next time plan better . Also, it's just mother's Day. Send a happy mother's Day, text and move along with your life like most of us do.
Whenever I need a day off, I just say that I have ✨plans✨, because my boss is the type of person who will tell you your plans are less important than someone else's, if she knows what they are. For example, she once told me that since I don't have kids and I don't go to school, I should basically always be available for extra hours or shifts. So now I just say I can't because I have plans, without specifying what they are, even if the plan is just to watch TV with my grandma. The last time, her reaction was to get annoyed and tell me that I'm the busiest person she knows, in front of a customer. Said customer mentioned to his shopping mate that maybe employees should be notified they are needed earlier than an hour before the end of their shift, very loudly. It took everything in me not to react, because I could have died laughing lol Note: He knew it was an hour before the end of my shift because, before asking me to stay longer, she asked me when I was done.
For rhe first one: as someone who regularly reschedules things if they fall on my DnD nights, OP is perfectly reasonable wanting to keep his day off. Shaming people for their interests helps no one.
I think with the waitress scenario it's inappropriate to make romantic/s*xual advances towards someone while they're working and that's why OP is wrong in that situation
WRT the "Cancer Card" post: Shaaba interpreted the wife's tactlessness as potentially a symptom of ASD. This is certainly possible, but I read the interaction very differently, and I wonder if OP did, too. OP makes a point of noting that she kept the shorter hairstyle after her first bout of cancer because she ended up liking the way it made her feel. The wife's comments--how the short hair was unflattering to her face shape, the "bravery" of not wearing jewelry with short hair--largely seem to be centered around OP's femininity, or perceived lack thereof. The way I would have heard this in the OP's shoes is that the wife was passive-aggressively implying that I wasn't feminine enough, that she was poking at me because I didn't fit neatly into the "girl" box the wife created in her mind. And so OP, in bringing up the cancer, knew she was picking the one thing that would 100% shut down the discussion. OP is still NTA. These comments were incredibly tactless on the wife's part, whether they came from bias or just plain cluelessness. But it just proves Shaaba's point about how different people can interpret the same interaction very differently.
Story 2: I think there are ways what OP could have gone about this that wasn't as bad. The biggest issue I saw was that he outright told her she was cute and then told her to her face that he wanted to get to know her or whatever. This can be extremely uncomfortable when you're just trying to do your job. However I will say that I think something along the lines of writing "I think you're really cute. Here's my number if you'd like to talk sometime" on a napkin and leaving that on top of the receipt or something is actually ok. She won't read it until you're gone so she won't feel pressured into a positive response and then the ball is left 100% in her court. If she was like "uh, no!" She can throw the napkin away and go about her day. If she also thought you were cute, she can pocket the napkin for after her shift. I know that I've seen plenty of girls who I thought were cute while I was working but I couldn't say anything because I was on the clock so this would have been a nice scenario for both of us in that case. The biggest thing is not actively hitting on service workers to their face because they are in a position where they are forced to be kind to you. I think that writing down your number and expressing interest that way for her to deal with on her own time and in her own way is ok. But that's just my opinion.
I think its also important to note that just because someone is a woman, person of colour etc, doesnt guarantee they have been in that situation either; I've seen women try to dismiss other women's experiences before, just because it hasn't happened to them personally; so even those typically at a disadvantage can still display unknown privilege.
I feel the first one on a spiritual level. There's been multiple times where when a new Pokémon game releases, I've just wanted to be left alone for a couple days to be able to enjoy them. Luckily, my folks generally respect this
I agree that servers have to deal with a lot of gross flirtation, but I don't necessarily think telling well meaning people not to take a chance is really going to solve the issue. If he hadn't made a scene about it or assumed that her kindness was flirting, I don't see the big issue with just leaving a number for a server you had a nice conversation with. As a shy person, the server/costumer relationship gives me an excuse to have conversations with people I wouldn't have otherwise talked to (I'm speaking from both perspectives not just the costumer). Saying that these connections can NEVER leave the workplace and become something feels like throwing away a lot of potential to me personally. I do agree that you have to be very mindful of how your actions come across to ensure that the service person doesn't mistake you for a potential threat of course.
As a waitress, I don’t mind people leaving their numbers on the table as they walk out. I will not, however, give anyone my number even if I’m interested, because I’m at work and it would be unprofessional, I could get in trouble, they might leave a bad review or talk to my manager etc. So when people ask for my number it’s always a polite, no thank you I’m not allowed to do that followed by a fake boyfriend followed by asking one of the guys to trade my table for theirs if they’re very persistent or rude. If they leave a number and I see it and they haven’t left yet I’ll pretend not to notice and pick it up after they leave and do whatever with it (we are supposed to do the same with cash tips). If someone hands me something, it gets folded and put in my apron without looking at it. If someone were to hand me their number and then start verbally accosting me, I would try gently to shut them down but as soon as it crossed the line I have the right to refuse them service and I will act accordingly depending on the severity. Just like I’m willing to step in for some of the younger high-school and college aged girls I work with if they are being intimidated or harassed by patrons.
The issue that I have with this is that you can never know if the person approaching you is well-meaning or not. Are they genuinely lovely or are they an incel who will wait out in the carpark and stab you if you say no? And on the man's side, many men think that they mean well in a patronising "I know best" or "she should be happy for the attention" kind of way (not saying that the OP is like this). A man's evaluation of his own actions as "well-meaning" means very little to me
@@violet7773 I 100% agree that these situations are very possible and happen way too often. All I'm saying is that bad people shouldn't stop others from being able to make a connection with someone. At the end of the day, if we say "Don't approach anyone at work" the gross "I know what's best" dudes are still gonna do it because they don't care about the person's comfort. All that's gonna happen is that people who would approach the situation tastefully aren't gonna give it a try.
1) NTA. An important lesson from my mother growing up, "Don't make your crisis, my crisis." Meaning I am not the center of the universe. If something happened and I didn't plan accordingly, I can't expect someone else to drop everything and fix it for me. I either need to accept the outcome or calmly ask for help but if help is not available, it either needs to wait or I go back to accepting the outcome. Mother's Day is a set day every year in the US. I can Google it right now for the year 2047 (May 12th). It's not a surprise like a death or a birth and as Shaaba said, no one is required to ONLY celebrate Mother's Day on THAT day. Pick the next weekend when the company restrictions have relaxed and go then. Call your mother, have a zoom chat, send her flowers or a present for the day but if you can't be with her, find another way to show her you care and shaming your co-worker for not giving up their well deserved PTO is not it. Most mothers hoped their children wouldn't be selfish a-holes when they've grown up.
I have a different take on the question of who should rave their number. First, I agree OP ITA, because as was already mentioned, the server has no choice but to be nice or risk her job. As to the question of whether the server or the patron should leave their number, if we’re going to allow for the possibility that these two could have a connection and spark a relationship, it should def be the patron who leaves a number. If a server were to leave her number for the patron, she would risking not only rejection, but possibly her job. If the patron does it, he’s really only risking being rejected. The patron should bear the risk, not the server. Either way, leave the number and say nothing. That way the other person isn’t put on the spot to be fake nice.
As a waitress, I don’t mind people leaving their numbers on the table as they walk out. I will not, however, give anyone my number even if I’m interested, because I’m at work and it would be unprofessional, I could get in trouble, they might leave a bad review or talk to my manager etc. So when people ask for my number it’s always a polite, no thank you I’m not allowed to do that followed by a fake boyfriend followed by asking one of the guys to trade my table for theirs if they’re very persistent or rude. If they leave a number and I see it and they haven’t left yet I’ll pretend not to notice and pick it up after they leave and do whatever with it (we are supposed to do the same with cash tips). If someone hands me something, it gets folded and put in my apron without looking at it. If someone were to hand me their number and then start verbally accosting me, I would try gently to shut them down but as soon as it crossed the line I have the right to refuse them service and I will act accordingly depending on the severity. Just like I’m willing to step in for some of the younger high-school and college aged girls I work with if they are being intimidated or harassed by patrons.
As a Zelda fan, tears of the kingdom came out friday morning just after midnight so the orginal poster booked a friday off. That means that the other coworker still had Saturday to travel before Mothers Day. Not that the poster needs to worry about why they wanted the day off.
The Mother’s Day one is especially weird cause American Mother’s Day is on the Sunday anyways. That coworker should just take the Monday off to travel home.
It isn't like Mother's Day moved unexpectedly, it's been on the calendar all year! Longer now that every phone calendar tells you what day is what years in advance now. What you want to do with your down time is no more or less valid than anyone else's. Or to quote the late Bon Scott : "Doin' nothin' means a lot to me."
I think the GF in the last one is an AH too. Like you said, intentions don't necessarily matter. She probably was coming from a place of ignorance or not realizing the social implications of her words, but it doesn't change that it hurt or frustrated OP (especially the comment about having a round face). Just because she didn't know doesn't mean her words don't still have consequences, so yeah, I'd still say she's the AH even if she's neurodivergent.
Idk why everyone defaults to “maybe they are on the spectrum” when people say stupid things in public. A lot of us actually were forced to learn social cues, or got half way decent at reading a room. I would never say what that lady was saying and none of my ND friends would either. She’s more likely just blunt and lacks empathy. I know you didn’t mean to but I am getting really tired of giving every socially awkward person the title of “maybe they are on the spectrum” when like 50% of us don’t actually struggle that much with social interactions (it just gives me anxiety I can be charismatic af when I need too). They other half aren’t even as bad as people make them out to be just awkward sometimes. Again I know you mean well but this is getting so old, some people just suck.
Especially considering Jamie is very likely on the spectrum himself, this equating being an ugly person with being on the spectrum is just a sour taste for me (Im on the spectrum, btw)
Since I haven’t seen it mentioned yet: American Mother’s Day is always on a Sunday. The day off in question was a Friday. OP wasn’t preventing their coworker from traveling to see their mom.
For the third story, we need to stop excusing awful behaviour with neurodivergence. It does more harm than good. Sometimes we can misunderstand social rules, but we're not cruel and we're certainly not stupid. The wife was definitely as much of an asshole as the brother.
Just because there is an explanation for why someone's the arse doesn't erase the harm. I'm neurodivergent and diabetic. This gives me any of several explanations for why I'm seeming to be touchy and snapping at people or otherwise being pushy with my mental state. It doesn't matter. I am still being rude. Intent isn't a get-out-of-being-a-git-free card.
@@lysanamcmillan7972 Exactly, imagine if OP didn't have cancer and the wife was just making unsolicited comments. That's mean regardless of whether OP had cancer or not
@@lysanamcmillan7972 Why does she THINK her SIL is neurodivergent but doesn’t KNOW?
Maybe that family doesn’t do the information thing.
To me it sounded more like a putdown than anything: “oh well, she was rude, so she’s probably ND.”
@@glittersprayIt wasn't in the post, that was Shaaba's comment 🙄
no one was excusing it, she was just giving a reason for why it could have happened
For the third one, I say as a neurodivergent person myself, the girlfriend WAS an AH because it wasn't jut about being blunt... she was body shaming!
I was thinking the same thing that it was body shaming. I mean, even if she was cancer-free, she still shouldn’t have to get comments about having a round face, having her hair the way it is, or the lack of jewellery.
Exactly, unsolicited comments about one's appearance are never okay and people shouldn't excuse this behaviour because of neurodivergency.
absolutely agree with this!
Yes exactly!
Neurotypical people say this kind of shit all the time. That's not a neurodivergent thing.
Yes, but also I remember having blurted some things about people's looks/body that I regret deeply. At the time I said it, I was just saying something I noticed, but didn't stop long enough to consider it'd hurt the person's feelings. Like it didn't even occur to me that I was implying anything was bad/ugly etc. It doesn't excuse what I said or what she said. She should still apologize, but I don't think she's necessarily an asshole for what she said.
Certainly it was a lesson learned for me, and I hope for her too. Just don't say anything about a person's body, period.
I started waitressing a couple years ago when I was 15. I was the only female that worked front of house at my first job and I got hit on very often by men of all ages. It was always weird and I'd usually say something polite but stand my ground like "oh okay, but I'm really not interested.". It was extremely uncomfortable and I always felt like nothing more then just an object or a toy to them. I was just doing my job. On the flip side, a family came in once to celebrate their mom's birthday and the son who was my age kept looking at me which I thought was a little odd but at that point I was used to it and I thought he was kind of cute too. After they finished eating they all walked out the door together and I started clearing off their table as the son came back in and he came up to me really nervously and said "hey, I hope this isn't weird but I think you're really cute can I have your number?" and that time it just felt different and I said yes and gave it to him and now we're still together and getting more serious and I'm so thankful he asked me that night and I said yes. So while I completely agree with your answer and wish those weird men would never of hit on me like they did, I'm so thankful my bf did
honestly, I think there is a HUGE difference between hitting on a person that is part of the staff during your stay, and giving someone you genuinely like to see again your number just befor you leave.
Trying to flirt or even get the number while they are working at and around you is not okay, but I feel like slipping your number saying you would love to get to know them when they are of work is.
In my work as a nurse any private contact to clients was strictly prohibited for safety and ethical reasons (one would usually not even have their family members on their unit if it can be avoided). But sometimes you have one you actually like. Because they are cute, because you share hobbies etc. in these cases it was totally okay if the client would ask if you could meet of work, right befor they leave the hospital.
I feel like this is not so different.
Though I am honestly shocked to hear that a person that works as a waitress was in situations that were umcomfortable frequently. Simply because I never visited nor worked at locations were it was okay to make the staff uncomfortable in any shape or form. If a waitress would even so much as hint that they felt treated unpolitely or were creeped out by a customer the person was out the door very, very fast. So my specific and maybe priviledged work experience might be at play here.
@@hannajung7512 yeah, and if you - like me - live in the UK, you may also lack the context of US tipping culture plus US "the customer is always right" culture, plus weaker workforce protections.
There's a corollary to this person's behaviour, in terms of culture: is there a reasonable chance that any particular cute waitress has experienced a come-on like that, which then escalated into unpleasantness, harassment, or worse when she did not reciprocate?
Because if that had happened to her, or she'd heard of it happening to a colleague, a sister, a friend, then the approach goes from "worst case, annoying for her" to "potentially triggering, potentially scary, potentially legitimately really effing upsetting"
@@erinjohnson7329 I hear you. I am from Germany. An employer that does not ensure the safety of their staff when it comes to harrassement can get in big trouble. Also people are usually not really dependant on these jobs. they are what you do to get some extra money as a student (in addition to the state sponsored student income) or are actually proper jobs with education and contract etc. So a very different power dynamic here.
Not to mention, that while being a bit flirty at the bar is considered okay everything beyond that is considered generally inappropriate. AND people tend to know each other in most establishments, and the customers that are there every day can be very protective of "their girls". The staff in bars and restaurants is often considered part of "the family" of these regulars, so treating them poorly is usually a way to ask for trouble. But this might be a cultural thing as you said. And I would not even vouche for each and every restaurant or club in Germany. Just for those I frequented.
Could be though that the general culture of reserved politness in Germany helps with that, too. There is NO WAY you could mistake the general politness of a waitress for genuine intrest here.
I worked at mcdonalds at 14-16, and at no stage was the flirting/asking me out/drunken crassness by adults men ok tbh. but like, what are you supposed to do?? other than just say 'no thanks' and focus on taking their order. But also, like. who tf asks someone out through drive thru windows like wtf lol. I think that your scenario is probably the closest to ok, because anything further, like trying to contact you outside of work/afterwards is like, 10,000x more threatening and horrifying. (and, ngl, a major fear of mine after those interactions w/ people asking me out. especially with the number of jobs I had that I worked until 10, 10:30pm, and the waitressing jobs where I couldn't park near the restaurant cos it was in town, and so had to walk 2-3 streets over at 10:30 at night
yeah, i agree. I was also waitressing when i was 17 and there was a guy who clearly liked me, but he never gave me his number. I would have liked him to. I didn't want to date him exactly (since i already had a bf), but i just would have wanted to tell him that his shyness is endearing and that he's cute. These kind of things you don't just say to someone's face and a phone number doesn't always have to mean a date. Sometimes you just want to show some appreciation for other people without a deeper meaning to it.
So i think it's ok sometimes to share your number with waitresses. It should just be done respectfully and carefully.
I'm not sure how I feel about the guy leaving his phone number. I'm a woman who worked in retail for 7 years and I don't think I would have felt like I could give a customer my number if I was interested in him. What if he complained to my boss and called me unprofessional, what if he had a psycho partner? I think most of the time, it would be pretty easy to ignore a phone number on a receipt. However, I think him mentioning it definitely made the situation awkward and was a step too far.
Yes, putting her on the spot like that is where he really went too far.
Better to use a napkin or something similarly disposable. Receipts are generally kept by the company for book keeping, a napkin or such she could just stick in a pocket to deal with later or throw it out with the rest of the garbage.
But like Shaaba said, there's the worry that the worker might have about what will the person do if they don't contact them? There's still that power dynamic, and while the worker knows literally nothing about the customer, the customer knows exactly how to find them regularly and might even know their name too. That can be worrisome.
@@WelcomeApathy but that is a concern anyways. Whether he gave his phone number or not.
I had several men call my workplace to ask about me. They don’t need to leave a phone number. That doesn’t mean the situation was a good one. All situations with the power dynamic being displayed are just different levels of uncomfortable with different levels of potential bad. You don’t know if the guy who left their phone number is coming back ever.
Exactly, her giving her number definitely was not an option, it would be totally unprofessional of her
Hm, the waitress one, I felt that. My ex-boyfriend approached me at work (I was a cashier) and told me, he would invite me for coffee in front of everyone. And me being 19, being put on the spot, and never had any relationship before, felt forced to say yes. It ended in a 1 1/2 year long toxic relationship. Would not recommend.
tbh in this case as an autistic i thought the same way he did and that this was fine besides the saying it out loud in front of everyone, i think he just genuinely wanted a friend/lover, and he didnt seem to think her smiling was flirting, he just liked her
it seems like me he forget how cruel this world is, that giving ur number to a stranger is creepy and that was was at least partly being friendly because of her work, he like me had a moment where he forgot the world is full of creeps
2nd one: I think if he hadn't said anything and had written something to the effect of 'Enjoyed talking, here's my number, feel free to call, but no problem if you don't want to' then that would be fine, he wouldn't be putting her on the spot for an immediate response and would be clarifying that he's not the sort of person who would be harassing her if she said no. YTA.
3rd one: NTA! Holy shit, she didn't 'pick the wrong time', she didn't even PICK a time.
The third person was definitely NTA. Their brother came to see them for the first time in a while, that's definitely a time for updates! Who goes to visit family then gets upset at learning what their family has been going through whilst they were away?
My boss once said that as long as you request it early enough, he doesn’t care why you requested PTO, he’ll grant it. You can want to spend the day watching paint dry, and no matter how busy work gets, he’ll still just wish you a happy day off.
The waitress was just doing her job.
It's really annoying that people think wait staff are hitting on them for just doing their job. It puts staff in a place that they can't back out of, they could lose their job or the person hitting on them could wait around until the staff member is finished work.
Please just leave them alone and let them do their job
I know, it makes me ill that people assume that kindness from staff equals attraction
Yeah and the guy asking her out was probably fugly
LITERALLY... Just.. ugh
I mean, based on what he wrote, I wouldn't call the guy an asshole for doing what he did. Assuming the post was accurate, he was respectful and not too pushy. I actually think giving your number to someone rather than asking for their's is a great way to go about it. You're communicating that you're interested without forcing the person to reject/accept you right then and there. It gives them the power to decide whether or not to contact you.
If he was flirting with her throughout the dinner I'd call him an asshole, since she can't exactly get out of it. However, I don't see anything wrong with politely communicating interest after the dinner is done, when she's not forced to talk to you. I suppose complimenting the outfit couod have been flirting, but it really depends how he said it. Unles he had some sort of creepy tone about it, I'd call it perfectly fine.
So for story 2 as a single gay dude who’s a bartender (at a brewery not a gay bar) I feel like the main issue was him talking to her vs just leaving his number. I feel like it would be wrong for me to give a customer my number. When I’m at work, especially since I work my shifts alone I am the representative of my place of business and it’s my responsibility to keep guests comfortable. If there was someone I genuinely clicked with well I’d just have to hope he’d be the one to make a move. Granted my experience is different as I’ve never been asked out at work and I’m not a woman with all the bs that entails. I went to a restaurant recently where I felt like the waiter might have been into me and I didn’t do anything at the time. If I go back and I get a similar vibe from him I’d probably leave a note with the bill saying something like “hi here’s my snapchat if you’re interested, hope I didn’t misread anything.” I wouldn’t want to ask anyone out on the spot because it does seem intrusive and unfair.
No, I'm a woman and I feel the same.
I've hated every second of having to serve guys that seem to feed off of me being uncomfortable.
However, if someone politely shoots their shot and then leaves without leaving me feel pressured, I think that's totally fine.
It's totally okay to be attracted to someone else, it's not okay to make it their problem.
People who come on too strong make my skin crawl, because they already don't care how I feel about how they treat me. It's a huge red flag.
People that respect my feelings, my boundaries, and my wishes get green flags. And even though I am not on the market, I make a point of being up front that I appreciate their approach, but I have to refuse their offer based on factors outside of their control.
I'm a cancer survivor/patient of 22 years and I remember getting barraged with questions (from people who didn't actually care) about my illness that were uncomfortable and rude. I didn't feel like it was their right to know just so they could tell everyone else. OP had every right to say what she said and if it had been me, I wouldn't have been anywhere near as nice as she was. Nobody has the right to say those things to anyone, but most especially not someone who is battling or has battled cancer. Thank God my brothers-in-law are very protective of me and would never do that. Unreal.🤬
I used to work somewhere where folk with families would have first refusal for the most popular holiday dates. The implication was that those spending time with chosen family/on their own (and at a loved one's graveside in one case) didn't have equal right to live their lives outside of work - they had a duty to enable this for those who were lucky enough to have kids.
I can’t count how many times I’ve been told I HAVE to work the late night/weekend overtime shifts because I don’t have children to take care of. You don’t have children? So you must fill in and lose your free time because other made the decision to have kids.
No! Just no! I didn't have kids for a reason and it wasn't so I could fill in for those who did.
People with kids (usually) see their kids every day, for other people that day might be a rare occasion to see (or commemorate) a loved one who perhaps doesn't live nearby. Everyone deserves time off and the booking process should be fair to everyone.
If it's a childcare issue and they genuinely can't find anyone to mind their child, then maybe have colleagues team up to take turns caring for each other's children during the school holidays or have a workplace holiday club for them to attend.
People still have families even if they're not married or don't have kids. I can't imagine how awful it would feel to be denied holiday time off because the time I spend with my family on the holidays isn't as valuable because they're not my spouse or kids.
Underrated comment! 👍
I am learning so much from these videos! Thank you Shaaba😊 I have autism, and sometimes I say the wrong things, and this helps me to think about how other people would perceive what I tell them.
That’s why i love these videos too! There’s a couple other channels with really good commentary and insight on AITA stories, and I feel like it really helps my autistic self understand other people 😊
@@clairebear-96 I'm curious to know your favorite other channels that do this! (another autistic here)
@@sarahbayla My favorite ever is Mark Narrations, and Lost Genre is really good too!
@@clairebear-96 hello I just wanted to say since I saw your comment that I started watching Mark's videos and I've really enjoyed them. I didn't think I would because the thumbnails look super clickbaity but yeah!
I did not check out the other channel yet bc Mark has so much content I haven't needed to but I'll keep them in mind for if I ever want more to watch.
Edit: I am also autistic hehe
@@oli_kate Aww good I’m glad you like them! I know his thumbnails do look a little click baity lmao but he’s my favorite channel! Like his voice is so soothing and he’s so kindhearted and always has great commentary!
i get why the customer is confused as to why he was rude but one thing to remember is that the waitress never knows if the guy hitting on her is a regular guy or a potential danger. She probably gets hit on multiple times a day everyday, so the odds of at least one of them being a danger is significant. So of course anytime she gets hit on she will get anxious and annoyed at this, especially since the people hitting on her know where she works and could come back to bother her. From her perspective, she has a lot to deal with.
So its best not to flirt with or ask your server out, regardless of how much you like them or how polite your are with your flirtation
Exactly. A man's sexual interest never trumps a woman's safety. If he *really* liked the woman he would have respected her job and respected the threat a stranger poses.
I mean, as a woman, it always feels like if you reject a man you're facing a 50/50 odds that he will become verbally or physically violent, threatening or stalking... or just go about his day. Those are big odds. I think male privilege means men don't know what it's like to have to be hypervigilent in every encounter with a stranger bc your literal life could be at risk. Shaba very patiently explained that so well
That’s a good point. I was thinking about his politeness and good intentions, but you’re right. There’s no way she could’ve known.
I'm a woc woman who has worked in retail. A number left is fine, as long as they don't come stalk me afterwards. If I never see you again and just have this number, then that puts the power in my hands. It is way less awkward than them asking for my number or any other actions that would make it awfully uncomfortable.
But that's just my personal two cents.
"I think the waitress is into me." - Every guy who has ever ordered food.
I've swapped holiday leave and days off with colleagues. Usually I didn't have something specific planned other than collapsing in a heap on the settee. I have also refused to swap because once in a blue moon I had something planned or the person who asked me to swap is selfish and really unpleasant and I can gloat as I veg out on the settee.
Regarding the phone number thing, ' You look really cute' is really not something I'd welcome either. A bit objectifying.
As for the cancer thing, the brother is a massive arsehole although his girlfriend isn't exactly blessed with social skills either.
About the second story. I'm afab and work retail. I've been hit on and overall treated poorly by men, customers, AND colleagues that I now wear a band on my ring finger while at work even tho I'm single. I still get glances and stared at, tho I haven't gotten comments such as "What's a pretty thing like you doing working here?" If I gave more examples, this would be an essay
Isn't that like the creepiest question? Like, I hear the banjo song from Deliverance playing. It's such a 1800s back woods thing to say.
Had another thought regarding the first story and figured why not comment again for the algorithm, haha. So, a few years back, I commented to a coworker how ridiculous it was to spend so much money on tickets to see a baseball game in person. She replied back, “you don’t like sports so of course you wouldn’t understand the value or importance,” and she told me to not be so dismissive.
I immediately apologized and admitted that it was wrong of me to make judgments of what was worth spending money on. And similarly here: if someone wants to spend their PTO playing a new video game the whole day, that’s totally fair. Stop shaming people for their interests. ❤
As someone who has to book time off in a similar way (if another person has booked it off before me, I can’t have that day off), it’s simple enough to be polite and cordial to your colleagues in asking if you can swap round some shifts and whatnot. And if it’s still not possible, be understanding!!
Yeah, asking to swap is not the asshole move, it's judging OP on his activity and having others judge him as well that is an ashsole move ^^'
The waitress was just doing her job being friendly but I will say, the way the guy approached it is far less creepy than some other tactics. I think he genuinely meant well in this particular case. That's the sort of move that, if she did have similar ideas, would be the stuff of rom com legend. I get that 99% of the time, it is weird af to be asked out at work, but very occasionally a spark happens 🤷♀️
I get the feeling the guy may have been autistic too... Especially since they asked for clarification on their actions... The information available on "socially acceptable ways/places to ask for a date" out there really don't point out things like " service workers are obligated to be nice to you... Do not believe it to be anything more than that" in face the majority of "dating advice" out there for boys/ men is still more toxic "don't give men microphones" type stuff.... Even if he was Allistics, finding places where real information is available outside of toxic mindset is usually hard. I was actually surprised there weren't more comments on that thread from the "alpha male dating advice" dudes going off😅🥺
I feel like that's true of being asked out in general though 🤣🤣
I’m female and I feel like while I wouldn’t be comfortable being put on the spot like that in front of everyone else at the table, I would appreciate the guy giving me his number being polite about it and not demanding, even if he did read the behavior wrong.
Of course, the waitress may not know that his intentions were genuine and not meant to make her uncomfortable. But knowing his thoughts on his actions, I think Shaaba saying that anyone disagreeing with her is ‘coming from a place of privilege’ is a bit rash. And this is coming from someone who, for personal reasons, feels uncomfortable around straight men.
@@krystaloftheshores Same, on that last part. I'm a disabled gurl of colour and when she was like "if you disagree, you're a white man" I was really confused? Can we not equate opinions to race please?
1 - The way I understood it, they'd booked the Friday off and Mother's Day is usually on a Sunday, so the colleague still had the Saturday for travelling if needed and could have booked the Monday off instead if they wanted more family time. Also, if they genuinely needed two days to travel, then they should have booked it earlier if their company has a limit on number of people off on the same day.
My boyfriend's old company wasn't very good at committing to his time off (boss would often say things like "I *might* be booking some time off around then, can you wait?" or ask for last minute date changes to booked leave). This caused quite a bit of stress around making plans and booking leave, especially when it wasn't for something with booked travel and accommodation (also a major factor in him leaving for another job). Respect people's booked time off and if you *really* need someone to swap then ask everyone to make it fair.
2 - The context is *very* important here - a stranger doing their job isn't call to hit on them (even the "compliment" was iffy) and they have no idea how you'll react to their response. If it was a regular haunt and they'd had quite a few in depth conversations (not just smiling and being nice), then maybe it would be warranted but not after such a brief interaction.
3 - The girlfriend's comments were completely inappropriate regardless of the context, especially the relentlessness of them. The sister may have been the one who was noticed, but she didn't cause the scene! Also, why are the brother and his girlfriend the only ones who are allowed to share news at a family event? It also sounds like the sister didn't actually *want* to share her news, but the girlfriend unintentionally forced her to.
About the comment about potential autism on the last one, I just have something to say: even if they were autistic, that is not an excuse to say stuff like that to people. Autism or not, telling someone how they should look is just an arseholey thing to do. Autism does not make you insult people. I am autistic and so are basically all of my friends and sure, it makes you put your foot in your mouth sometimes, but not stuff like that. There is a line between being brutally honest and insulting people, and being autistic does not prevent you from learning where that line is. You might cross it a little by mistake (and then learn your lesson afterwards), but not repeated incidents. Those repeated comments are not autistic behaviour, they are arseholey behaviour. Although yes, you can be autistic and an arsehole. If someone goes around commenting on other's appearance and then tries to use their autism as an excuse and refuses to learn, that definitely makes them an arsehole.
I totally agree that it isn't an excuse and autism doesn't MAKE you say ride things, but it can prevent you from REALIZING something is rude until you are explicitly told that, even if the social etiquette seems obvious to others. I see it as an explanation not an excuse. So if she genuinely didn't realize that those are hurtful things to say, then I'd say it's not her fault but it is her problem (making she should apologize and stop doing so in the future)
Exactly, I’m Autistic and admittedly have pretty poor social skills especially in ‘new people’ small talk type situations. I would never comment on someone’s looks like comment on their face shape, or other aesthetics if it wasn’t in a positive way but I could definitely be the type of person who would ask someone I was talking with or nearby if they wanted me to grab a drink, food etc. if I was going to get that too. I myself don’t drink alcohol so I’m never pushy about my requests especially in regards to anything alcoholic, but I probably would be the person who asked out of trying to be polite, if they were sure I couldn’t get them something, or asking again later on in the night/later in the conversation if I was heading out again especially if they’d declined my offer before. For example my thinking would be, maybe they’re more hungry or thirsty now than they were before because it’s later on. So I’m asking trying to be considerate or polite but if it’s a particularly sore subject or something that is a big deal to you, I could definitely see the frequent questions becoming annoying and taken as pushy. In this case someone would need to tell me “I’m not drinking alcohol tonight” or “thanks for asking but if I want you to get something for me, I’ll ask” - that way I’d understand otherwise I would tend to think they’re just declining that one offer in that instance instead of a blanket thing.
Similarly if someone said to me, especially snapped at me, after I was talking with them or had asked them something and just said “I have Cancer” while I’d be sad, empathetic and give them my condolences or words of support - I wouldn’t connect them saying that to me (even in a raised voice completely out of context) because they were frustrated with my actions or previous comments during the night. I’d likely assume it had taken them a while to get up the courage to tell me/announce it and that they were frustrated or worried with their situation (having cancer) not me making comments that (to me) are completely unrelated. I definitely wouldn’t have put the rounded face comment, not drinking and short hair together with anything to do with cancer because those conversations to me would seem completely unrelated.
So I wouldn’t have apologised for what I said or my actions because I wouldn’t have realised that that’s what OP was feeling annoyed or hurt about.
If OP had told me in this situation, you said this and that which are things that have happened because of the cancer and those things are a sensitive subject or hurt me to talk about or hear - then yes obviously, even if I hadn’t meant those comments to be taken that way I absolutely would sincerely apologise and feel bad about it for weeks (probably the rest of my life tbh) because in my mind I was making conversation and being considerate not insulting someone about sensitive side effects to having cancer.
If the waitress felt the spark and said something then her boss could fire her if the customer complained. Leave your number, no pressure, but not on the bill!!! They can't keep that and taking a picture of it is so gauche and could get her fired! Leave a card with a note that is easy to dispose of.
This, also, don't SAY anything, just leave the card, or napkins or whatever at your place setting. If she's interested she WILL find it.
I agree leaving a number and a polite note after the meal is the least threatening way you could possibly approach this. I don’t think you’re likely to have much luck with this approach but it’s pretty much harmless. It leaves the decision completely up to the server as to whether they want to call you or just trash it.
@@mikaylaeager7942 No, you probably won't have much luck, however that's true any way you approach it. In all probability the waitress was just doing her job and you're just another customer to her. On the other hand, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take. At least this way your stray shot is less likely to cause any harm.
@@jakeand9020 Yeah all of the "ABSOLUTE YTA!!" verdicts here seem a bit.. over the top to me? I am a woman, and I have bartended. I was always very smiley and engaged with customers, because to me that was doing a good job. If a guy then asked for my number, yes it made me feel uncomfortable, but I just deflected the advance and moved on. I agree that I think leaving a written note with the receipt would be the best way to go because it doesn't put the woman on the spot in any way. That said, I don't think there is that much harm in him taking a chance, and he was polite about it and not being a complete pervert. We live in the age of online dating but that, as an experience, can be bloody awful and it isn't always easy to successfully meet people that way. And before that was an option, people started relationships organically like this all the time. My parents met when she was waiting and he was a customer, and so if they hadn't chatted and hit it off, I wouldn't even exist. If I had to give a verdict on this situation I'd be going NAH for sure.
@@Fragmented_Mask I'm not saying it's definitely the case here, but I also think there's a difference between "they chatted and hit it off" (like the conversation topic strayed from work-related things and you have a solid foundation of common interests, especially in the case of a "regular customer" type relationship where you get to know each other over time) vs "she was cute and was nice to me." Because in the latter case ofc the niceness is just her doing her job. It's a tricky thing to navigate for sure, but nothing in OP's post makes me think the conversation went beyond the server doing her job. All he says is "she was friendly and attentive" which sounds like a job description but not a genuine connection. I like what Shaaba says about OP not necessarily being AN asshole, just that he was probably not right in this particular situation. I also think it's worth keeping in mind that even if your experience seems similar to that of others, perhaps the more enthusiastic "YTA"s are coming from a set of experiences that might be different in the details, where people would just much prefer if nobody hit on them while they were at work, for whatever reason.
As someone who both loves video games and has friends who were fiending about the new LoZ title, I’m so tired of people being judgy over someone’s excitement to take a day off to play a new release-basically a vacay day to do whatever you want. I had one friend take the Friday off; I had another friend try to schedule how he’d pick the game up before heading on his camping trip so he’d have it during down time; I had another friend beat the main story in a couple of days after she got home from her job. This was an exciting release for them and should be celebrated.
It’s not OP’s fault that their coworker decided to procrastinate and then be salty when she couldn’t also get the day off. Don’t devalue other people’s reasons for wanting a ME day just because you don’t enjoy the same activities.
This!
Your last sentence is perfect.
also the fact that she expects OP to care more about a stranger's family than his own personal time
@@esf34147 - I think it’s just a general dig at how “adults valuing time to play video games is immature and foolish,” regardless of the comparison. For someone like that, taking time off for a video game is a waste of a vacation day, so it should have been given to someone wanting to visit family instead. But absolutely: OP has no obligation to sacrifice their PTO for someone else’s family.
And let's be honest here! If it was any other solo experience other than video games, there probably wouldn't be as big an 'issue' in the eyes of other people.
Let's say that OP had been really excited to, say, go to a museum/zoo/gallery/market on that day, on their own, because the location was opening their newest exhibit/area/whatever. It's really the same thing; being excited to do something all day, on your own, for only your own enjoyment, at the first possible opportunity, despite the fact that you could easily just wait to do it the day after. The only difference would be that a museum/zoo/gallery/market involve going outside, so there's less stigma surrounding them as a leisure activity.
But, at the end of the day, they're all something that's reasonable to get excited for after you've, you know... booked the day months in advance? It's reasonable to be adverse to the idea of building up these expectations, only to have them dashed and have that day basically 'ruined' (in comparison to what you had planned) because some stranger wants their desires (not needs! desires!) put first.
The one and only time I tried to take time off, they screwed me right over! I asked before I even booked the tickets for 4 days off so I could go to Scotland for a concert. They agreed and we confirmed it once I got the confirmation for the concert tickets. Bare in mind this was like 5 months or so ahead of time! Then 3 weeks before I was due to go, they said they’ve changed the rota and I now only have the concert off. The issue with this is I live on an island so I have to go over at least the night before the concert and be back the day after the concert. So at a minimum I’d need the 3 days. I again reminded them that they already gave me this time off and I’m leaving the island. I can’t change it. They said I’d be getting my hours cut in half if I didn’t turn up for my shift. So I gave the tickets to my brother and missed it. I also started searching for a new job.
i used to work at a bookstore and was having really good back and forth about mycology with a guy and he asked for my number but it caught me off guard and i told him i was in a relationship. if he had left me his number instead that would’ve given me the opportunity to take it and think about whether i wanted to text him or not. generally i’ve had great conversations with many customers at my retail jobs but i would never make a move on anyone just because i don’t wanna make a customer uncomfortable. really i think people just need to be a lot more aware of the fact that employees are being nice to you and taking ur compliments because that’s their job. if ur having great conversation where you think they’re actually interested in you and not just doing their job don’t make any comments that could make them uncomfortable like (talking about their outfit) and discreetly leave them your number, and if they don’t text u don’t go back at least not for a while
My favorite thing to say when people criticize me about “BUT you’ll be doing nothing that day”, is “Yes! I did that on purpose! For me! :)”
There was a department in the grocery store I worked at that sold liquor. (State law means certain booze has to be sold in its own little store) I got so many creepy old men hitting on me. I have a silver ring that I would wear on my left hand and would have the night manager walk me out in case someone didn't want to leave me alone.
To be honest, it's not just at work that women are being approached in a creepy manner. I have been asked by random men who just briefly saw me walking down the street for my contact details quite a few times. Also they often don't seem to understand why that is not something you should be doing.
I get creeped out the most by the ones who ask for my address. Like right off the bat, hardly a word exchanged between us. It's like dude, that screams "they'll find my body parts in shallow graves". After dodging the request numerous times I actually had to say to a man " I am not giving you my address" bc he kept ploughing over every signal I put out that said "NO"
That’s a good point. Maybe I’m just naive, but I was so stuck on the genuine politeness and no mention of sinister ulterior motive that I overlooked the discomfort of a guy giving a girl his number after one interaction.
Plus, the social acceptance part of it is confusing because I’ve heard many cases of women being ready to jump at any phone number a guy gives them, but maybe my being autistic makes it difficult for me to see where the line is drawn sometimes. Idk.
That story in particular feels slightly gray to me.
@Shannon Lavery I'm not intimately familiar with autism, but what little I do know is some people who are autistic have trouble reading social cues. Is that your experience? BC if so that would make sense why it seems gray to you.
It's really all about:
1) place,
2) time,
3) power.
Is the woman/female presenting person at a workplace? Does her livelihood depend on customer service or tips? (Example: restaurants, retail) Is the amount of time spent with a customer reflected in their job performance? Does the woman have the agency to say "No" without putting her income stream at risk?
When you look at it like that you can see it's the wrong time, wrong place, and a power imbalance (woman can't leave or even reject without risk). All that makes that situation a hard "No".
Men need to learn that just bc a woman is in public it does not mean she's an available target. They need to learn that many times you just need to let one go.
Like yelling out a car window... how is that interaction possibly going to evolve? The man is in a moving vehicle. Does he think the woman is suddenly going to sprint alongside the vehicle and hold a conversation? No, let that one go.
See a cute waitress? She is literally working, she doesn't have time for a conversation (and as aforementioned can't reject without fear of losing employment). No, let that one go.
The men who do these inappropriate things are basing their entire interaction solely on what the woman/presenting looks like - the time and place don't allow for anything other than a superficial interest. And given that attractive women are a dime a dozen, we're everywhere, life will not end if these men simply recognize they need to let that one go and not engage. Some men are just ignorant about that and some have an entitlement toward women.
Also, sometimes women just want to be by themselves, or just connect with their female friends. Simply existing in public does not signal sexual availability.
Hope that helps.
Edit: typo
@@bossyboots5000 Yes, being autistic means that social cues-ESPECIALLY subtle/gray ones can be difficult to wrap our minds around and understand how to apply or work with. It probably doesn’t help that in all few of my close relationships with men, my boundaries have been questioned, so maybe the op’s politeness in the second story came off as more accepting to me as an uncommonly polite way of showing interest in a female, despite the many factors that say otherwise.
I’m in my late 20s and have since developed what I consider to be pretty good, or at least very functional social skills, even in the subtlety department, but I know I’m not perfect and it seems like I misinterpreted this one.
Is it only weird to me that the gf doesn't already know the sister has cancer? She's already going through effing chemo and she didn't bother telling her brother, or he didn't tell his girlfriend about this huge life altering thing? This says something about the relationship and level of trust there for sure. And maybe when you first find your sister is going through something like that you should care more about what's important than the way she revealed it... I'm starting to see why she didn't say anything.
I think it was only news to the rest of the party - sounds like the girlfriend and brother new, the GF just didn’t know what comes with it (and was all around terrible at talking to people).
If you make several comments about a person that they are basically ugly
Over...and over...and over.
Yeah they kind of deserve to be called out
I mean they SURVIVED cancer only to get it again! The fact they are handling it well is a miracle in of itself.
Yeah, personally I think the gf sounded like a passive aggressive bitch. They were really catty remarks and they were all unsolicited and unnecessary.
Frankly, on the contrary to what their brother apparently thought, I think for number 3 being blunt was probably the best choice. As someone who is not on the spectrum (presumably - I've been evaluated a few times and I'm just shy of a proper diagnosis, so I consider myself more severely socially anxious and awkward than anything) but incredibly dense sometimes, I will sometimes completely miss the social cue that I'm bordering on a topic that shouldn't be touched upon right now. A quick, blunt response usually helps me get the message. Even if social obliviousness wasn't the problem, it'd still very much achieve the same result of bringing the conversation to a close.
This honestly makes Mondays kinda fun!
Yo I have a friend with the same profile pic, may I ask what it's from?
@@vamp_bat_chomp it's from a pic crew! I cant share the link here though unfortunately
Thank you so much for explaining why OP2 is an asshole. I really hope it helped some viewers understand a bit better why this kind of situation is not ok.
Hmmm so interesting with the one about the waitress, because I think if he had just left his number and said call me if you want to, maybe without the comment, that would be fine because it is totally giving her the choice and not asking her to act inappropriately at work, so he isn't pressuring her to do anything. That's how I would feel as a woman who has worked as a waitress before anyway! But I do feel that the comment was maybe a bit much. Love these videos :) x
I feel the same way. The initial compliment was too much, but giving her the agency to contact him without expecting an answer right then and there was the right thing to do.
And I feel the exact opposite. Commenting on her outfit is completely fine. Anyone of any gender could make that comment and it doesn't have to be a sexual advance. I compliment my students' outfits all the time. It's just being nice.
Leaving your phone number completely crosses a line because as was already explained, it's her job to be nice. She wasn't flirting.
IMO, nothing wrong with the compliment, nor leaving his number. However, don't write the number on the receipt, write it on something she can keep or throw away.
Seriously though, don't put her on the spot by mentioning the number or handing it to her directly. Leave it on the table at your place setting, if she's interested she'll find it.
@@carr0760 presumably you aren't telling your students that you hope your compliment isn't too forward when you do it, though.
@@Aaaa-gs7ww Of course not. I was quite clearly speaking of compliments in general. There is nothing inherently sexual or inappropriate about commenting on someone's shirt. If that is all he had done that would be fine. There is always something inherently inappropriate about giving someone your phone number/asking someone out when they're at work.
So I work at a video game store and I had requested that Friday off so I could travel to be with my mum as well. Obviously with such a huge game coming out my time off was refused and guess what? We ended up celebrating a couple days after. Imagine that? Spending time with your mum cause you want to and not cause it's been dictated by the calendar. Lmao at the first story. Absolutely NTA. Poor planning on her part does not constitute an emergency for him.
Wow, I'm so surprised with the waitress thing.
I worked as a barkeeper on med-fantasy festivals all around Germany and sometimes in the Netherlands for 6,5 years, and the way he explains what happened, I would have thought it was nice. He made a compliment once, and at the end says he likes me and would like to stay in touch and gives his number. Thus letting me free to throw the number in the trash and never contacting me again.
Maybe that's because the overwhelming majority of my customers weren't @ssholes.
I was the leader of the cocktail and rum bar (pirate bar, I was the captain), and frankly, we barely ever had any problems. Most of our guests were super lovely, even if some might be exhausting when they are drunk (like one of our old pirate friends, so I was mainly taking over when he was getting drunk so my younger staff wouldn't have to deal with him. I'd say my four years of working in a retirement home gave me some experience with dealing with annoying older people XD )
I exchanged numbers with guys quite a few times, mainly because we enjoyed chatting. None of them ever turned into a boyfriend. None of them ever was a stalker.
Some of them already took holidays to help me build up or down the bar before/after the market, just to help because they enjoyed the atmosphere I was creating. Many of my ex-guests (I stopped working because of a burn out - too much work, too less sleep for way too long- at the end of 2019)
So for me, the way he did it, it doesn't sound pushy or agressive or anything, if she didn't vibe, she could throw the number away. Much better than asking for her number in my opinion, because then she has to make a choice right then and there, might feel like she has no choice, might give up a fake number because she doesn't feel like seeing no, what could lead to the guy being pissed off because she lied, ... He gave up a possibility and she can do whatever she wants with it.
Now I know not all guys are like that, that some are deranged,... But the maybe 2 times it happened, I told them if they didn't move away I'd call the security, they shut up and left. Maybe it's because it's Germany, though.
I remember in Belgium I wasn't that confident as a woman walking around at night. Here in Germany, I never had any problems when I worked in a hotel and came back every night between midnight and 4am.
I don't know, it's weird for me to see it like he was an @sshole for doing what he did. He seemed to have been respectful and didn't coerce her in doing anything. He wasn't threatening.
Also, I don't really feel like it's especially because she was "nice to him" that he did that, but mainly because he thought she was cute. If she had been outside, he could have asked her to have a drink, but she was working.
Whatever, I'l take my Ace demiromantic ass out of there and go back to stay alone at home so I don't have to try to navigate social life as it seems I don't understand it.
Depending on where it takes place, it could also be an issue of customer culture. At least in the US, we tend to have a very "the customer is always right" attitude with weak labor protections, so servers and other people in hospitality jobs are often in a tricky place where their boss won't automatically take their side and customers act entitled to staff. The other thing too is that if it takes place in a tipping restaurant, getting a decent wage is dependent on "going above and beyond" in customer service because restaurants are exempt to normal minimum wage requirements (in some places it's as low as about 2 USD).
For the 3rd one...
The only AH is the brother. I'm both chronically ill (Crohn's) and neurodivergent (ADHD). I've been on both sides of this awkward questions situation, and also work with Autistic children, teenagers and have other ND friends. There is a very good chance that the the girlfriend was talking about OPs differences because she simply noticed that they were different, since it was a couple of years since they last saw each other, and wanted to know why, and might have been conerned. OP telling the girlfriend that she has Cancer was giving her the information she was missing and probably stopped all the other questions in their tracks, without the girlfriend thinking it was rude.
TLDR: The girlfirend lacking social skills doesn't make her an AH, or necessarily "rude". The brother telling OP/his sister that her FREAKING CANCER DIAGNOSIS was inconvenient to him was. The girlfriend wasn't aware of the social faux pas, the brother DEFINITELY was.
I don't know, I feel like its a very arseholey act to comment on someone's appearance unsolicited. Like even if OP didn't have cancer, its mean to say someone's face is too round for their haircut or saying that they should wear jewellery because of their face or what not. Even if the wife was remorseful once it was revealed OP had cancer, imagine if she didn't. Imagine how bad Op might feel then? I think at some point, you should hold people accountable for their mean words and actions even if they may have difficulties in social situations.
@@gabeitch2694 I agree, being neurodivergent doesn't mean you get to be an asshole to everyone. Neurodivergent people can be taught. They're (we're) not stupid you know. The wife commenting on how she looked and how her hairstyle didn't fit in her opinion, is an ashole move. OP can look in a mirror you know.
I got the impression the girlfriend was new, someone OP hadn’t met before.
Waitress story - op was definitely inappropriate. I used to work in hospitality and I hated it when people did that to me.
I had vacation left from last year. 3 weeks in fact and requested time off. I was granted that time etc. When my co-workers asked what I plan to do and I said "Nothing. I just wanna sleep in and just. exist for 3 weeks and maybe meet some friends" they all looked at me weirdly bcs 'then you could work you don't plan anything' I DUNNO i just planned !! on being spontaneous for 3 weeks. Ppl are just weird about their co-workers free time.
I overheard a conversation similar to the second story. This guy was convinced that because the Starbucks barista was friendly, he thought it meant there was a connection and not just that he wanted to date her but he was SURE she wanted to date him. He didn't understand or see that ALL the baristas were the same sort of friendly. Makes me feel bad for people that have to be socially friendly for their job. Don't assume, let them ask if they want your number and if they don't say something, leave them alone. I'm sure in this day and age when someone wants your attention they will say so, but also a "no, thanks" is a valid answer.
I am SO GLAD that op's friends called out his behavior in the moment. Like bravo to them.. we need more friends like this.
Wait staff are *almost NEVER flirting with you. They are actors and actresses PAID to make you feel special. Full stop.
This is the kind of attitude that makes men believe strippers are there girlfriends.
In this situation the server, regardless of gender, should ALWAYS be the one to make the first move if they're interested.
I once had a manager who would wear a fake wedding ring during interviews because guys she was interviewing kept hitting on her--yes, prospective employees, people who were applying to *work for her*, thought it was acceptable to make a pass during their interview.
I worked as a flight attendant for 8 years... the amount of men who hit on me was disgusting. I've had a handful even suggest I meet them in the lavs to "join the mile high club." Just ew. The funny thing was the guys who told me my outfit looked nice (and like op some said it suits me). It's a uniform!! All of us on the crew wear the same. Lay off!
I worked as a bartender when I was 18 - 19, having to deal with creepy adult men always made me so uncomfortable.. I remember one very distinct time, it was pretty late and one of the guys sitting at the bar was already quite tipsy, and since I was new he came over to introduce himself to me. We had a little chat, casual, back and forth, then at the end he smiled and reached out his hand to shake mine. I went to shake his hand goodbye, but instead of shaking my hand like I expected him to, he took my hand and freakin' kissed it.
I was 18 and this guy was significantly older, it was disgusting. I then had to awkwardly excuse myself from behind the bar so I could go wash my hands before handling anyone else's drinks or meals, which was a pain. Guys.. Don't do this, it's nasty.
They would at least plan mothers day if they really cared about it....
You can look up the date for mothers day for the comming 50 years. No reason to be that late with it 😅
Now feels like a good time to point out that Mother's Day is on Sunday. Why couldn't the coworker take off the following monday, travel Saturday and come back Monday, if they simply HAD to have a full day wherever they were going.
Not that it matters because it's absolutely nobody's business to judge what you need your PTO for. It's actually encouraged at my work place to take 'mental health' days if you're feeling close to burn out.
Because a lot of the time Mother’s Day is a family gathering. In my family it’s the one weekend we all always get together no matter what. Sometimes we have to do it on a Tuesday or a Friday because that’s what works for all of us, but we always make it work. With Mother’s Day there are other people involved AND a specific date because it is a holiday.
I don’t care about the reason for your vacation day, and I myself cover shifts for anyone and everyone who asks (if I am able to) regardless of their reason. In this situation however I think it’s more important to consider if that particular date is relevant. Obviously it’s not OP’s fault their boss granted him the request off and didn’t grant the coworker the day off, however I think it should be taken into consideration that he can have any day off to play video games. Literally any other day. It doesn’t have to be the day the game is released. It can be the next day or the next week or he can even start the game after work one day. He’s still deserving of his full day off, but he has less to lose by scheduling his day off on a different date. Any time there are other people involved, tickets bought, travel plans made, or time-sensitive things like specific holidays (in this case the coworker had three of the above involved), that takes precedence and while he is not obligated to trade, it’s still very inconsiderate of him to not only not trade but also be rude about it. Anything that is able to be rescheduled or moved to another day is like one half step below anything that can’t, regardless of how much you personally value the activity or reason for it. Why couldn’t OP take off literally any other day of literally any other week? The coworker has multiple reasons why their request is time-sensitive.
Ultimately, the asshole is Nintendo because they have dissuaded many Americans from spending time with their mothers that weekend 😂 /s
A wrinkle to the US Mother's Day thing. If I understood it correctly, the day off in question is Friday. Mother's Day is always on Sunday, so co-worker would have had Saturday to travel (assuming a M-F job here).
Right? That's what I was thinking. I don't know how far away this person lives from their mother, but if it's so far away that they need two days to get there, wouldn't they also need to take off Monday and Tuesday? It seems suspiciously like this person could have seen their mother on Mother's Day regardless and actually wanted to spend an extended weekend with her. Which should have been planned for just like any vacation anybody wants to take.
Yeah. some folks have no issue telling you their thoughts on your looks at all. Spent part of my childhood being told "You have a high forehead, so you should have bangs." I told that to my MIL and bless her heart was like "Well you do but that's no reason to push bangs on to someone." She genuinely didn't realize what she said til later and apologized. Honestly, it was kind of hilarious to me. 🤣
Having a high forehead is not shameful though. MIL was just saying it factually, but the key message is “that’s no reason to push bangs on someone”.
I’m a bigger girl. It’s a fact. But there is a huge difference between saying “omg how can you ever dare to wear that top when you are so fat” and “maybe that style of top is not the most flattering on you because it over-emphasises you stomach and I know you don’t like that”.
honestly imo with the last one i think even if she didn't intend to be the girlfriend is still an ahole too. I feel like it's a bit like the second story in a way where it wasn't your intention but you still were an ahole
You are so remarkably eloquent and empathetic in your explanation. I would never have had the patience to explain to a guy why it's a total douche move (and kinda threatening) to hit on waitresses, when they cannot reject you or call you out on being inappropriate bc she'd lose her job. Over a creepy douche. I applaud your ability to do that.
I think complimenting her outfit was weird. Confessing interest without expectation of an direct answer doesn't seem inappropriate, because she confessing her interest would put her workin danger that would be unprofessional crossing the border between professional and customer.
this is what i initially thought but i see it the other way too and would probably feel uncomfortable in that situation
I don't think complimenting her outfit was too bad either? I think it really boils down to "unfortunately, this is something they have to deal with constantly, you'll just be another hindrance no matter what." But the way he went about it, not knowing that, was probably the best he could do. It's generally more respectful to compliment someone's outfit than their actual physical appearance (something they chose to do with their appearance VS something they have no control over), and he left the note giving her the option to text, or not, later. Had the reality of the service industry been less... frankly, depressing, his behaviour would have been perfectly polite. We just have to be aware of the unfortunate reality.
well the issue is that him hitting on her, whether or not be expected a direct answer or not, still lets her know "oh, this guy is interested in me" so now she has to be anxious and worry about whether or not he's just a regular polite guy or another one of the many creepy guys who might come back to harass her or worse. By virtue of him being a stranger meeting her at her place of work, thats going to put her in a scary position when she is being asked out. So its best to avoid it entirely.
Yeah, having worked in service as a woman, I would be more upset about being hit on at work than being given someone's number as they were leaving (providing they didn't hassle me in any other way). The issue here is that the wait staff are in their place of work - they're not allowed to flirt with the customers or give out their own number, however cute they might think the customer is. On the flip side, they also can't be rude to customers even if they are being made to feel uncomfortable.
IMO It's OK to think someone is attractive and register interest, it's not OK to hit on them while they're at work. I think leaving a number is a grey area here (as it's offering to flirt with them out of a work environment) but if you WERE going to leave a number, it would be very important to make sure that it's crystal clear that if they are not interested in you, you won't be offended. Also, frankly, it's pretty unlikely the person is going to be interested in you.
The customer service one is great to think about! What is acceptable etiquette in these situations? I've worked customer service for a long time and don't get the same flirtatious attention (anymore) as my co-workers who are read as women. There is definitely an entitlement thing that happens. Like the just straight up asking customer service people on dates (sometimes repeatedly!) while they are on a shift thing is bananas to me!! Stop that! And yeah, I also have an "on" face for customer service that is just me doing me job, usually not because I'm actually interested. 😂I personally don't think there is anything wrong with just leaving a number on a receipt at the table, if that's truly all you are doing. But good to know that might be uncomfortable for people too. But yeah, you gotta leave the ball in the other person's court so to speak because of the power dynamics! Compliments can be chill, but stick to something small that is a personal choice (I like your earrings! You have a cool haircut! rather than "nice smile") and avoid assuming you know anything about the person (That outfit really suits you). Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.
I would have much more sympathy for the OP's coworker from the first story if it was some sort of change of plans, an actual emergency if you will. Idk, her mum recently fell ill or she was sure she will have to work the weekend but in the end for some reason has it off and would love to have the Friday off, her travel plans got cancelled and she's working around them. Whatever. Obviously, it would still not make the OP obliged to give off their day off, but I'd say the coworker wasn't an asshole for asking. Mother's Day is not exactly a surprise (although I am a bit surprised it's such a big day for enough people in the company they need to limit time offs) and the coworker really should have planned better. If she didn't no harm in asking if OP would agree to give up his day off, but to go around calling him an asshole when he says no? what the heck. that's messed up in every possible scenario here
That's exactly what I thought too, your mother is ill and you want to go see her, yeah sure we can swap I'll play Zelda another day.
You just poorly planned your holiday? Well tough luck for you ^^'
I want to add something regarding story #2, as a lot of people seem to think that he was nice about it, and it was no big deal. You should never approach someone with romantic interest while they have limited agency to give you a really clear and resounding 'no'. If someone is being nice to you when it's their job, it 100% does not mean they are interested in you. Leave service workers alone. Sure, there's one-offs and exceptions, but most likely you're the fourteenth person today to make a comment like that and they want to scream at you instead...and even though they are still smiling, it doesn't mean they're happy. It means the job requires a level of politeness even if all they really want to do is tear your face off and flush it down the toilet.
As someone who's been in the customer service industry, I think what OP did was toeing the line for me. Since he was giving her the number as he was leaving, I wouldn't have felt threatened unless he came back. If he came back after I tossed the number and asked me why I didn't text him, THAT would put me in a really sticky position. Honestly if he wanted to shoot his shot, I would rather he had written his number without talking to me so I didn't have to smile as he tried to ask me out.
But overall, do not ask a worker out at their place of work because they cannot leave the situation. They HAVE to be nice and pleasant to you even when you're being a total creep. This guy wasn't but a lot of people can be. And they are on the clock and cannot leave to get away from you. Please do not force your presence on them. Let them do your job and leave.
I might have entertained the idea of giving up my previously booked day of if it was an emergency - like a person sitting next to me got a Phone call that someone close to them just landed In hospital or something of this magnitude. To travel for an informal event that takes place the next day, when they're fully aware that the person they want to meet lives far away - that's a no, dog. Also Mother's Day In Poland is on May 26th, I thinknin Canada it's earlier than the US, so honestly any date is good to celebrate, it's not like Christian or Hannukah or whatever else that has a specific, universal date.
I recently took a day off to play Jedi Survivor. It is like a vacation to me and family time with my brother. I got the excitement and happiness from that as uf I was going on a trip. No one would question you wanting a day for a trip. And you can't really wait to play games because of spoilers. If he asked it off early, then it is his. It is not his fault.
"We're just gonna blob" That is such a vibe honestly. I would love to just Blob.
That whole "You love videogames more than family!" thing from the first story reminded me of a story with my mom.
My younger sisters are in high school and they both play basketball. One night, they were both playing at their school so I came with my family to watch them play. After their games, I wanted to go home since I had work the next day but my parents wanted to stay behind and watch more games. I don't have a driver's license, so I needed one of my parents to take me home. My mom ended up offering to do it, but the whole ride I could tell she was mad at me. When we got home, she accused me of caring more about my phone than family (even though I wasn't missing my sister's games and I wanted to go home to get ready for work the next day).
This isn't the same circumstances, obviously, but I still remember how much that accusation hurt and that phrase from the first story reminded me of it.
I don't know how but I wish certain things (like the power dynamic between customer-facing workers and customers) were explain in school? Maybe? I worked in fast food for a long time and I still didn't understand why it was weird to get hit on, I just knew it felt uncomfortable. But I chalked it up to being uncomfortable EVERY time I was hit on, at work or elsewhere. Maybe a high school-level psychology class could cover it...
Oh, and I have a comment about the wait staff one, I feel bad for the waitress because she might have actually had a nice experience with OP up until the phone number, and then boom, suddenly it feels incredibly insincere and she's been alienated. OP could have at least prefaced in some way that she didn't HAVE to take the number, and also put it on some other scrap of paper so that she could reject it if she wanted to. But that's all assuming she's okay with the uncomfortable confrontation of rejection
Don't mention the number or hand it to her either. Just leave it, of she's interested she'll see it.
That last one. I know this isn't the point of OP's post, but the comment about her hair not suiting her face really hit me. When I was young, cutting my hair was just about the only thing I could do to alleviate my dysphoria, and even hairdressers would try to talk me out of haircuts, saying that my face was too round and they didn't want me to regret such a short haircut that wouldn't suit me.
The waitressing story hit so close to home for me. worked as a cashier at a grocery store and in food service for several years and the amount of times guys came, called me attractive, and just overall made me scared to walk back to my car after my shift is too long to even give a number. I had guys leave me notes, I had guys write numbers on receipts, I had guys sit and wait out to see when i get my break and would awkwardly sit with me and try to have conversation with me on my break and ask me on dates. I had guys ask me to prom (I was able to laugh at that one cause i was 22 and the kid was like 16 so i just told him i was too old for him). It would put me on edge whenever they returned to my workplace cause I would never know how they would treat me. Some would pester about how I haven't responded, and some would act like nothing happened, but I would never know until I had to put on my smile and welcome them to our store what their reaction would be to my not calling them or wanting to date them. Even let some of them know I had a boyfriend and that wouldn't deter them (I even had one guy start asking me if any of my friends were attractive and available, or if i had any younger sisters).
My consensus is if you find an employee at an establishment attractive and you are a customer, don't say anything about it. You could compliment their outfit kindly, but that's about it. If you see them outside of their workplace, not in uniform, and on their own terms, then sure, ask them on a date or ask if they would be interested. And be sure you make it clear there's no expectations from this question.
I think even seeing someone outside of work can veer into creepy territory, so caution would be advised! Like if you meet the person outside of work, say at an event you're both attending, and genuinely hit it off that's one thing, but walking up to your server on the street "Hey you waited my table the other night, I thought you were cute, want my number?" could still set off alarm bells of "Did this customer follow me / do they know more about my personal life than I want them to / is the level of attention enough to raise red flags?" So some awareness of surroundings and context are key. I think one very important thing to keep in mind is: Is the setting something that is designed for socialization? If you're both having downtime at a bar as customers, participating in an activity that demonstrates common interests, or otherwise are on equal footing, then maybe it's okay to go for it. But like... you see someone on their daily commute, or shopping for groceries, or otherwise just trying to live their life, might be worth double checking yourself before approaching. And in all cases, still be aware of their personal signals - are they smiling and being polite because they want to move on with their day? (Or because they recognize you as a regular and don't want you to complain that they were rude even though they weren't on the clock?) Or is it genuine interest?
As some folks have pointed out, the power dynamic of men generally seeing women as objects or seeing themselves as entitled to women's time/bodies/attention, that power dynamic still exists even outside of a workplace scenario. Doesn't mean nobody should ever hit on anybody, anywhere or anytime. Just that it's worth being deliberate about when and how.
The 2nd story I understand totally. I work as a vendor and artist alley coordinator for conventions and I've had numerous times that my vendors mistake my kindness and passion for my position for flirtatious behavior or advances as I'm attentive and help in every way I can to make their experience perfect with our convention. And as a vendor coordinator I provide my work cell number to vendors for emergencies and often have to tell folks to please not text me regarding "dates" or "are you single?" It's awful that being female presenting that folks think it's ok to break professional boundaries and become creeps..
I worked as a waiter pre-transition for years; never had any issues. AS SOON AS I STARTED TRANSITIONING (and worked as a bartender) I got so many people creeping on me when I was just trying to get my job done UGH
As for the day off, I would reply when pushed "I've talked about this thing that I'm planning on doing, but it's not the only reason I want the day off. It's just the only reason I've spoken about. Please do not assume such things about me." Because you are planning other things. Even if it's just breathing. None of her business.
Australian here - in regards to the first one, I agree with you Shaaba. We also celebrate Mother’s Day in May. This year I was going to treat my mum and sister-in-law to lunch but we were all sick Mother’s Day weekend. So we’re going this weekend
I have a motto that I use a lot it is "just because you didn't intend to hurt someone dosn't mean you are not responsable for hurting thrm" this works both ways just because I didn't intend to hurt someone with my words dosn't mean I didnt hurt them. Its like if someone grabed my arm to stop me from walking somewhere and I got a bruse, it dosn't matter that they didn't intend to hurt me, I still have a bruse on my arm.
Regarding the second story: when I was at Uni, I met a guy who wrote me a long and goofy love letter after talking about politics 4 times while were with a group of mutual friends. He was convinced that I was interested in him just because I literally spoke of whatever subject with him in a social gathering and had the habit of greeting him when I saw him. He also got really angry when I got back with my then boyfriend, with whom I had split a couple of months before, claiming some kind of property of myself with the aforementioned friends, who then started treating me poorly because I had hurt him. And this is why women are usually standoffish with strangers hitting on them randomly, especially at work.
I definitely agree with what was said about the second one. I worked as a cashier at a cafeteria in a factory and I do my best to be kind to people and I got sick of all the people hitting on me and trying to get my number or ask me to text them... Just because I am a kind, friendly person, I had, like, 10 people everyday try to hot on me. And if they gave me their number and I didn't contact them, they'd keep asking why I hadn't texted them... Seriously tiring...
I feel a little conflicted about the waitress story. AFAB ex-retail worker and I honestly feel he did the best he could in that situation if he was going to approach her. I completely agree with the issue of her just doing her job and the fact that she could feel uncomfortable (due to past advances and the inability to avoid a persistent ahole) however I feel like its also the only way OP could have shown his interest. Him complimenting her outfit didn't come across as rude to me, and when giving her his number he did make it clear she didn't have to call him - granted that was very direct and put her on the spot, even if he'd just left a note, I feel it could have been just as uncomfortable. I totally understand how uncomfortable unwanted advances are, but I also feel like there's no other way he could have gone about expressing a genuine interest in her if he had one. I think it's a bit absolutist to say men should never express interest in women if they first meet at her workplace, bc he doesn't necessarily have a way to approach her outside of work without 1000% being a creep now. I dunno, I guess some may say "if it's meant to be they'll meet elsewhere" or something but I just don't feel that's practical. Even if the interest was mutual, I also don't think it'd be professional for her to make the first move bc she is working, and I feel like people would have a completely different view if they got together ("oh that's such a cute story" sorta thing.) All in all, I don't know what the solution is or if there is one, but I (personally) still don't feel like OP as an individual was an asshole due to the way he as an individual went about everything, society as a whole just sucks. That being said, I do also appreciate that just because I wouldn't be super offended by it doesn't mean others wouldn't.
For the last one: If the SIL is autistic or even just socially awkward and not great at gauging what’s appropriate to say….. as both myself, I find it very important for people, especially loved ones, to let me know when I get it wrong and give me some idea why (don’t need to give me some super detailed breakdown every time, just a quick little tip so I know). I want and need kind correction. Even if it’s not something as drastic as cancer.
For the final story, how on Earth has the brother not mentioned it talked about the fact that his sister has cancer to the mother of his child?!?! Like it blows my mind that she wouldn't be aware of that even if they don't see them that often. That's the craziest part and it's 100% on the brother that he didn't tell his partner about that before going to see his sister.
One of your best a/hole vids ... Lots of good points.
The first one wasn't even the day before mother's Day. Mother's Day is on a Sunday in the US , not Saturday. Sorry my PTO was put in further ahead and approved. Next time plan better . Also, it's just mother's Day. Send a happy mother's Day, text and move along with your life like most of us do.
I look forward to these every tuesday lunch! I love your nuanced take on these
Whenever I need a day off, I just say that I have ✨plans✨, because my boss is the type of person who will tell you your plans are less important than someone else's, if she knows what they are. For example, she once told me that since I don't have kids and I don't go to school, I should basically always be available for extra hours or shifts. So now I just say I can't because I have plans, without specifying what they are, even if the plan is just to watch TV with my grandma. The last time, her reaction was to get annoyed and tell me that I'm the busiest person she knows, in front of a customer. Said customer mentioned to his shopping mate that maybe employees should be notified they are needed earlier than an hour before the end of their shift, very loudly. It took everything in me not to react, because I could have died laughing lol
Note: He knew it was an hour before the end of my shift because, before asking me to stay longer, she asked me when I was done.
When I worked in a customer-facing position, I often wore a fake engagement ring to deter unwanted phone number drops
For rhe first one: as someone who regularly reschedules things if they fall on my DnD nights, OP is perfectly reasonable wanting to keep his day off. Shaming people for their interests helps no one.
I think with the waitress scenario it's inappropriate to make romantic/s*xual advances towards someone while they're working and that's why OP is wrong in that situation
WRT the "Cancer Card" post: Shaaba interpreted the wife's tactlessness as potentially a symptom of ASD. This is certainly possible, but I read the interaction very differently, and I wonder if OP did, too. OP makes a point of noting that she kept the shorter hairstyle after her first bout of cancer because she ended up liking the way it made her feel. The wife's comments--how the short hair was unflattering to her face shape, the "bravery" of not wearing jewelry with short hair--largely seem to be centered around OP's femininity, or perceived lack thereof. The way I would have heard this in the OP's shoes is that the wife was passive-aggressively implying that I wasn't feminine enough, that she was poking at me because I didn't fit neatly into the "girl" box the wife created in her mind. And so OP, in bringing up the cancer, knew she was picking the one thing that would 100% shut down the discussion.
OP is still NTA. These comments were incredibly tactless on the wife's part, whether they came from bias or just plain cluelessness. But it just proves Shaaba's point about how different people can interpret the same interaction very differently.
Story 2: I think there are ways what OP could have gone about this that wasn't as bad. The biggest issue I saw was that he outright told her she was cute and then told her to her face that he wanted to get to know her or whatever. This can be extremely uncomfortable when you're just trying to do your job. However I will say that I think something along the lines of writing "I think you're really cute. Here's my number if you'd like to talk sometime" on a napkin and leaving that on top of the receipt or something is actually ok. She won't read it until you're gone so she won't feel pressured into a positive response and then the ball is left 100% in her court. If she was like "uh, no!" She can throw the napkin away and go about her day. If she also thought you were cute, she can pocket the napkin for after her shift. I know that I've seen plenty of girls who I thought were cute while I was working but I couldn't say anything because I was on the clock so this would have been a nice scenario for both of us in that case.
The biggest thing is not actively hitting on service workers to their face because they are in a position where they are forced to be kind to you. I think that writing down your number and expressing interest that way for her to deal with on her own time and in her own way is ok. But that's just my opinion.
I think its also important to note that just because someone is a woman, person of colour etc, doesnt guarantee they have been in that situation either; I've seen women try to dismiss other women's experiences before, just because it hasn't happened to them personally; so even those typically at a disadvantage can still display unknown privilege.
I literally love your hair so much and I’d love to see your tattoo tour, including like the meanings of them
I feel the first one on a spiritual level. There's been multiple times where when a new Pokémon game releases, I've just wanted to be left alone for a couple days to be able to enjoy them. Luckily, my folks generally respect this
I agree that servers have to deal with a lot of gross flirtation, but I don't necessarily think telling well meaning people not to take a chance is really going to solve the issue. If he hadn't made a scene about it or assumed that her kindness was flirting, I don't see the big issue with just leaving a number for a server you had a nice conversation with. As a shy person, the server/costumer relationship gives me an excuse to have conversations with people I wouldn't have otherwise talked to (I'm speaking from both perspectives not just the costumer). Saying that these connections can NEVER leave the workplace and become something feels like throwing away a lot of potential to me personally.
I do agree that you have to be very mindful of how your actions come across to ensure that the service person doesn't mistake you for a potential threat of course.
As a waitress, I don’t mind people leaving their numbers on the table as they walk out.
I will not, however, give anyone my number even if I’m interested, because I’m at work and it would be unprofessional, I could get in trouble, they might leave a bad review or talk to my manager etc.
So when people ask for my number it’s always a polite, no thank you I’m not allowed to do that followed by a fake boyfriend followed by asking one of the guys to trade my table for theirs if they’re very persistent or rude.
If they leave a number and I see it and they haven’t left yet I’ll pretend not to notice and pick it up after they leave and do whatever with it (we are supposed to do the same with cash tips). If someone hands me something, it gets folded and put in my apron without looking at it.
If someone were to hand me their number and then start verbally accosting me, I would try gently to shut them down but as soon as it crossed the line I have the right to refuse them service and I will act accordingly depending on the severity. Just like I’m willing to step in for some of the younger high-school and college aged girls I work with if they are being intimidated or harassed by patrons.
The issue that I have with this is that you can never know if the person approaching you is well-meaning or not. Are they genuinely lovely or are they an incel who will wait out in the carpark and stab you if you say no?
And on the man's side, many men think that they mean well in a patronising "I know best" or "she should be happy for the attention" kind of way (not saying that the OP is like this). A man's evaluation of his own actions as "well-meaning" means very little to me
@@violet7773 I 100% agree that these situations are very possible and happen way too often. All I'm saying is that bad people shouldn't stop others from being able to make a connection with someone. At the end of the day, if we say "Don't approach anyone at work" the gross "I know what's best" dudes are still gonna do it because they don't care about the person's comfort. All that's gonna happen is that people who would approach the situation tastefully aren't gonna give it a try.
8:19 I think if the waitress gave clear signs she was interested it would be okay. But it doesn’t sound like she did.
1) NTA. An important lesson from my mother growing up, "Don't make your crisis, my crisis." Meaning I am not the center of the universe. If something happened and I didn't plan accordingly, I can't expect someone else to drop everything and fix it for me. I either need to accept the outcome or calmly ask for help but if help is not available, it either needs to wait or I go back to accepting the outcome.
Mother's Day is a set day every year in the US. I can Google it right now for the year 2047 (May 12th). It's not a surprise like a death or a birth and as Shaaba said, no one is required to ONLY celebrate Mother's Day on THAT day. Pick the next weekend when the company restrictions have relaxed and go then. Call your mother, have a zoom chat, send her flowers or a present for the day but if you can't be with her, find another way to show her you care and shaming your co-worker for not giving up their well deserved PTO is not it. Most mothers hoped their children wouldn't be selfish a-holes when they've grown up.
I have a different take on the question of who should rave their number.
First, I agree OP ITA, because as was already mentioned, the server has no choice but to be nice or risk her job.
As to the question of whether the server or the patron should leave their number, if we’re going to allow for the possibility that these two could have a connection and spark a relationship, it should def be the patron who leaves a number. If a server were to leave her number for the patron, she would risking not only rejection, but possibly her job. If the patron does it, he’s really only risking being rejected. The patron should bear the risk, not the server. Either way, leave the number and say nothing. That way the other person isn’t put on the spot to be fake nice.
As a waitress, I don’t mind people leaving their numbers on the table as they walk out.
I will not, however, give anyone my number even if I’m interested, because I’m at work and it would be unprofessional, I could get in trouble, they might leave a bad review or talk to my manager etc.
So when people ask for my number it’s always a polite, no thank you I’m not allowed to do that followed by a fake boyfriend followed by asking one of the guys to trade my table for theirs if they’re very persistent or rude.
If they leave a number and I see it and they haven’t left yet I’ll pretend not to notice and pick it up after they leave and do whatever with it (we are supposed to do the same with cash tips). If someone hands me something, it gets folded and put in my apron without looking at it.
If someone were to hand me their number and then start verbally accosting me, I would try gently to shut them down but as soon as it crossed the line I have the right to refuse them service and I will act accordingly depending on the severity. Just like I’m willing to step in for some of the younger high-school and college aged girls I work with if they are being intimidated or harassed by patrons.
As a Zelda fan, tears of the kingdom came out friday morning just after midnight so the orginal poster booked a friday off. That means that the other coworker still had Saturday to travel before Mothers Day.
Not that the poster needs to worry about why they wanted the day off.
Wow, how do people walk through life asking such personal questions? I'll never understand.
The Mother’s Day one is especially weird cause American Mother’s Day is on the Sunday anyways. That coworker should just take the Monday off to travel home.
“Doing nothing is sometimes the best something” sounds like a Winnie the Pooh quote hehe 🤭
It isn't like Mother's Day moved unexpectedly, it's been on the calendar all year! Longer now that every phone calendar tells you what day is what years in advance now. What you want to do with your down time is no more or less valid than anyone else's. Or to quote the late Bon Scott : "Doin' nothin' means a lot to me."
Oo the flower on ur shoulder looks so cool! If I was brave enough for tattoos I’d want something like that because it’s so NICE
I think the GF in the last one is an AH too. Like you said, intentions don't necessarily matter. She probably was coming from a place of ignorance or not realizing the social implications of her words, but it doesn't change that it hurt or frustrated OP (especially the comment about having a round face). Just because she didn't know doesn't mean her words don't still have consequences, so yeah, I'd still say she's the AH even if she's neurodivergent.
Idk why everyone defaults to “maybe they are on the spectrum” when people say stupid things in public. A lot of us actually were forced to learn social cues, or got half way decent at reading a room. I would never say what that lady was saying and none of my ND friends would either. She’s more likely just blunt and lacks empathy. I know you didn’t mean to but I am getting really tired of giving every socially awkward person the title of “maybe they are on the spectrum” when like 50% of us don’t actually struggle that much with social interactions (it just gives me anxiety I can be charismatic af when I need too). They other half aren’t even as bad as people make them out to be just awkward sometimes. Again I know you mean well but this is getting so old, some people just suck.
Especially considering Jamie is very likely on the spectrum himself, this equating being an ugly person with being on the spectrum is just a sour taste for me (Im on the spectrum, btw)
Since I haven’t seen it mentioned yet: American Mother’s Day is always on a Sunday. The day off in question was a Friday.
OP wasn’t preventing their coworker from traveling to see their mom.