So refreshing to hear someone talk about how toxic positivity has become.. We're all expected to be like robots now and just feel nothing negative ever.. Its sickening, you're allowed to feel angry.
Anger resonates at a higher frequency compared to apathy and depression. Radical changes can come from anger if channeled in the correct direction. A people who do not feel are also a people who do not see! It’s what is wanted from us by this system, apathy and complacency. All to better to control the masses, thereby getting whatever outcome the powers that be want!
Yes! We should feel what we need to feel and be human. Being too positive is almost like ignoring the problem and if a person ignores a problem it does not mean that it's not there. It just means that people are not learning what they should/need to learn to become smarter and not make the same mistakes.
When you're having a bad day and someone tells you to be positive, it's like hearing nails on a chalk board! I really do prefer to be optimistic rather than positive, especially during hard times. Optimism is like putting on a life vest in a storm, it's enough to hold your head above water until you make it to calmer waters. Positivity is like pretending the storm is calm when it's not.
I prefer to just let it be, whatever the emotion is. After years of struggling, therapy taught me how I am always running from my feelings, avoiding them, how they hurt or fear me. Now it's time to say: oh hello, there you are. Stay a while. Because they will always leave again. Btw, optimism is important. But I believe this will be easier when you allow yourself to let the emotions be.
In my own life, the people who force positive thinking are the most toxic people I know. They are the ones who will block people's numbers if they aren't "positive enough" or tell me "think positive" in every life situation, but they are very contradictory because they are the people who complain more than anyone I know and who tear people down and gossip more than anyone I know. It feels, to me, like they need everyone else to be positive so that they can feed off of their energy. That's just my own experience, though. I agree with you, I think there should be a healthy balance between feeling all emotions and learning how to manage them.
Yes!! I have been doing online dating and if someone says no drama or positvie vibes only...I run the other way! Drama happens negative vibes happen. If we have a mental health issue we may be negative and it is not a failing! We can just do the best we can.
Thank you for stating that so articulately, I don’t have to restate anything you can just wrote, but I would like to add to it. There are some of us out there have tried to be as positive as possible, but negative things just keep occurring - even if we try to avoid them. Now on the “trying to make lemonade out of lemons front,” I’m trying to reshape my thinking; however, people have to be realistic. Those people that state that “you should put a positive spin on everything” are the biggest gaslighters in the world, and they also are the type of people that suppress or continually dismiss other people when they say something that doesn’t meet “their narrative” and that is so frustrating. So I have decided that when I come across somebody like that, I run too! I’ve done my share of online dating as well and toxic positive people are super phony when they spew all that nonsense. Positivity has its place, but it should be balance with reason. I really appreciate Kati saying “all feelings are okay...validate their feelings....and feel how we feel and there’s no judgment around it!” Kati is a life changer! This video is perfect!
@@coachgpodcast I love how you put that! I have had the same experience and I agree so much with you! ♡ You're doing the hard work and will be a better person because of it!
I was 100% guilty of telling people “at least you’re not a starving child in Africa” and it was because I was telling that to myself BECAUSE other people would tell me that first! I was a very depressed child because I was raised by a narcissist but I wasn’t outwardly abused or neglected so people would say “why are you depressed? Nothing bad has happened to you. At least you HAVE a dad and he doesn’t beat you up, your childhood isn’t that bad. At least you’re not a starving child in Africa.” So I would turn around and tell others the same thing, furthering this stupid cycle. I have always struggled with feeling worthy of my emotions because I feel like I haven’t “earned them” because “nothing bad has happened to me”. As an adult I worked with CPS for a while, believe me I know that objectively I didn’t have a terrible childhood. However, I know started pushing back to those comments by saying “why can’t you just let me feel what I’m feeling? Why can’t you respect that just because my dad didn’t beat me up he was a TERRIBLE influence on my childhood and has been the root cause of my severe anxiety and depression and low self esteem that has poisoned my whole life and I’m still working through those struggles to this day? It may not be that bad, but it was bad to me and I’m allowed to feel what I’m feeling.”
I think we have all been told that at one time or another.. thank you so much for sharing your story, and YES you are allowed to feel what you are feeling :) xoxo
I have such a hard time with feeling my feelings. My bad habit is to "approve or disapprove" of feelings instead of feeling. I"m glad you're working through those struggles -- it makes me think I can work through mine. Thank you for being so open.
Well said Gray Girl, well said. I00% agree with you and you do have my empathy. I went thru same thing. Whole life is spent, crawling out of the horrible mess. Blessings, please take care of you. I know it will get better for you. It has for me.
I had a similar experience, except my dad would tell me those things about how kids more sick than I was without access to an education would crawl to school if they had the opportunity and that it wasn't justified for me to stay home when I was in so much pain that I couldn't stand up/sit up/walk or when I was having room-spinning vertigo. I am a student who absolutely loves school! I wouldn't miss it if I truly wasn't so ill, but being beaten down with these words literally almost led me to suicide. I had every intention to act one day, but a teacher happened to say the right things to me at the right time (without having a clue that I was even having thoughts of suicide), and I didn't.
@@electricfishfan I personally really like when people recognize my problems by saying "That sucks" because I often don't allow myself to have problems. By hearing "That sucks", I am reminded that my problem is valid. However, some people I know don't actually want to hear from another person that the situation that they're in sucks because that just causes them to feel more anxious. One of my friends really doesn't like when someone says "That sucks" because they are already very aware that their problem sucks and become even more emotional. It just really depends on the person and the situation what is the best thing to do. I am a fan of simply asking the person whether they want someone empathizing with them, reassurance, advice, a good hug or a distraction.
Omg yes! When I’m with someone who uses toxic positivity when I tell them about a negative feeling I’m having, I tend to double down and elaborate on my negative feeling because I don’t feel validated or like they understand what I mean. This makes them think I’m a negative Nancy, but when I’m with someone who has a more realistic perspective, they’ll say, “Man that sucks. Sorry you feel that way” and then we both can move on to the next topic because I don’t feel the need to try to explain my feelings anymore!
There's a wider problem to toxic positivity, especially in the US. The mentality of " I can make it / just work hard and your dreams will come true / eventually I will be rewarded for my hard work and so on... It keeps people from realizing that the system is broken, not them...
Right. It also makes you really bitter when you don't achieve "the American dream" in the way you imagined or the way it is portrayed. On the other side of unrealistically positive expectations is disappointment.
You are saying truth at 1000% percent! The system here is rigged, or purposely broken. It often punishes those that don’t deserve it and rewards those that don’t! It’s set up by “people of the lie” therefore, unless you’re one of them, you will likely have a pretty tough life, in general. I believe empaths, Hsps, any light worker will lead a difficult life unless they start to live, co-exist with the system that is and just do their own thing. Success and happiness can be had, however, it is on different terms for everyone. The American Dream is a lie that makes people chase the wrong things and puts many in disappointment and harms way. Much of whatever we’re taught in this nation is also a lie, it’s Maya. Many of us have miles to go and insurmountable obstacles in the way, just to get there, wherever there is.
Spot on. I find the quickest way to irritate a client is to invalidate their experience with a poor application of positive psychology. I'm glad you posted this. Ironically, everyone seems scared to speak out and feel the wrath of the positive cult.
Paul, I am doing online dating and under a pet peeves question I listed Toxic postivitiy. So many people say "Positive Vibes Only" or "No Drama" what I and my friend who are dating have learned this means the person either has an inability to deal with others emotions or has so much drama they do not have room for any other. Of course, a very few just say this because it is what is said. But none of those scenarios suit me. I have issues. I have bad vibes sometimes and drama happens.I aim to deal with it better and minimize, but it will be there.
My first therapist also have toxic positivity. He'll ask me how I am and I'll answer truthfully only to be told that I should stop being negative. It feels like, even to him, I still should fake being okay like what I always do. And unfortunately, I found out that here in my country, there are a lot of psychologist who are like that. Especially the ones that my school invites to speak in seminars. I tested one of them and he was really uncomfortable that I'm being so truthful about not being okay. I guess he had expected everyone to fake it as always. The other one (I'm not really testing him but I cried at the seminar because I've been keeping it in for too long), also got uncomfortable. His energy is like saying, "don't get near me full-of-negativity woman!". So I was shocked because I thought he cares. (This happened before that "testing"). That's when I realized that not because a person is a psychologist, s/he is empathic.
@@minshubay6740 it's a shame to hear how so many people have that negative experience with therapists. Anger has to be vented by the client, and then validated and explored by the therapist before alternative perpectives or behaviors can be explored. Otherwise, the therapist is just gaslighting.
Asking someone if they need to vent or want help finding a solution is 100% a game changer. This has become a staple in my conversations with friends and family members. I think people would be surprised how many people just need a few minutes and a safe space to tell a person they're struggling and just let it out, rather than just screaming into the void or holding it in. Sometimes venting is the solution, and asking first will allow that person to feel seen, heard, and validated. And hopefully empower them to move through it, while feeling supported. It helps me so much to be able to vent, and feel "allowed" my temporary negativity, so I can focus on the things within my control: recognize the negative, work toward the positive, and not shame myself for my emotions, no matter where they fall between the two.
My husband was working at a horrible company when I had a miscarriage and he couldn't take time off. I was very upset and a friend stopped by and said, "Some women wish their husbands even had a job." I was trying to express that I wasn't OK being alone and she tried to force me to look on the bright side.
Grrrrrrr! You just lost your baby FFS! I hope you showed her the door, as that was a very dismissive, insensitive thing to say.... I'm very sorry for your loss.
This is very important. The internet has so much of this. It really becomes more about the "positive" person's need to stay comfortable and not about the person expressing or dealing with real pain.
“Be positive” sounds like “you better act happy so I don’t have to actually hear what you’re saying & respond.” It sounds more like, “be quiet” because I don’t care enough to take two minutes to hear you & formulate a thoughtful reply. I realize now that people might not take time to think of their true feelings or intentions. Maybe they are really trying to say “things will get better” or that “you deserve a positive outcome,” instead of politely saying “shut up.” Listen to a therapist & stop invalidating people’s feelings & reality. Your friends just want to be validated by you & know you care! This takes five minutes!! Ask “how are you?” And listen to the answer without fixing or invalidating! This ruined many of my friendships bc I felt so humiliated & forced into one mode of talking about myself with an illness. I almost felt gaslit or that people needed to be in denial for themselves, and how I am doesn’t really matter to them. Might as well interact with a Disney Positive Avatar of myself instead & disappear or die with my chronic illness & bad news? Life is not always a positive experience or a sitcom with a Disney ending in 30 minutes.
Positivity doesn't always look like people think it should. I once knew someone who was trying to talk me out of being a Goth. Later on I heard he was using drugs
“One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.” - Carl Jung Embracing the darkness is necessary for growth and ultimately wholeness.
I've been told I was negative when I felt I was just being realistic. I just know that someone trying to force positivity on me never seems like they're basing their positivity on assumption with no evidence. I take it with a grain of salt.
I believe that toxic positivity is the main reason why problems in our society never get fixed. When we are always looking on the bright side, we are not seeing The whole picture, which makes it easier for us to sweep problems under the rug. The fear and anger we are seeing in our country today has historical, economic and social causes that we will never truly reckon with when we keep trying to convince ourselves to only see things in a positive light.
Currently living with parents that are like this. Ive got many mental illnesses and they tell me to ignore it and to just stop because i have a great life or whatever... :(
As an older, lifelong sufferer, I learned that healthy people simply do not understand our dark deep pains. For them 'our mood' is like a picnic day with bad weather. It can be impossible to make them understand, but you can try to teach them that you have illnesses, like any other chonic physical illness. Connect with those who do understand, spend your energy on things you love.
I feel like people who are saying "be positive" might have good intentions. However, this toxic positivity can really be invalidating and victim-blaming. For me, whenever I want to say something like "be positive" or "look at the good side of it" to others, I will test myself first "Do I want to hear those words when I am in the same situation?" I know that it is impossible to totally put myself into other's positions, but I feel it can prevent me from hurting others without intentions. I really agree with "black and white" thinking part BTW, I feel like I hate toxic positivity so much to the point that I refuse to hear anything about positivity. That might not be helpful.
I liked something that I heard from an old friend about a friend: Is it ok if I vent my problem to you? honestly, venting to someone who already is overwhelmed is a path not everyone wants to walk. I know that sometimes it’s give and take but when it’s not it’s frustrating.
I'm a retired psychotherapist and for 35 years have counseled trauma survivors. I absolutely agree with everything you've said about "toxic positivity". When people aren't allowed to feel their emotions and go straight into positive thinking, they are usually denying the emotion and go into the cognitive brain to think of a positive thought. What happens is that one might intellectually think positive, but the emotion of positivity is absent. They've basically stuffed the feeling deep inside themselves.
Positivity is important as long as it doesn't turn into denial...like for instance telling someone who is dying to look on the bright side...easy to say if you are not the person going through the process of dying. Having said that, positivity can also help us to survive, assuming that we will live through adversity can make a big difference to us actually living through difficult times. So i guess the key is to make space for both but not get stuck in one or the other experience.
True. I think people don't understand that trying to force others to be positive has no upside if that's all you do. A bit of forced positivity is worthwhile but refusing to acknowledge the down sides in life just makes people feel worse imo
For 'normal, every day' problems, positivity really helps me, to be reminded of the richness I do have and how people somewhere in the world is so much worse off. It also puts me in action; to do something for them, or just in my community. Of course with deeper very personal struggles, it does not help to hear 'but people there have it more difficult'. It makes one feel even worse. But most of the time, I notice the people who say that have never known the depth of depression/anxiety, so in their mind, they are trying to help, so I forgive them.
Yes I think that's why positive thinking and just 'deciding to be positive' is such a common advice from someone who does not suffer from mental illness. You can't cure mental illness by psyching yourself up but it can help if you're upset about the weather lol.
I like people who are genuine and honest and can tell me what's REALLY going on. I've had the occasional friend who can only portray happy happy, ALL the time, and I have found it to warn of deeper issues. Those sort of people make me apprehensive. I like people who can say freely what sucks.
LMAO when I was in 8th grade my sister tragically died 13 hours after going through a car window & my best friend texted me and said “maybe not be so negative about it” these people do exist.
A good example is when I say "I feel I'm not loved" and someone says "But you are! I love you".. It's not the point, I'm sharing what I feel, so you just have to mirror that and say "I really understand, it must feel really horrible" (for instanse).
When I encounter folks like this, I just chalk it up to shallow thinking and automatically back off from meaningful relationships with them. These folks will keep you in harmful and toxic situations trying to convince you to think positively about terrible circumstances. If we've been friends long enough for me to feel comfortable confiding in you and all you have for me is ,"think positively", I'm good.
One day in session I told my therapist that “I try to cheer myself up when I’m upset” and she said it was okay to let myself feel upset and to just be kind to myself until it went away. So, hope this is helpful for someone else.
I usually tell people that what they have just said to me doesn’t help my situation. I also tell them they are invalidating my feelings. They usually don’t listen. 😳
I’m so sick of toxic positivity I understand people are “trying” but I am personally disgusted by it as a disabled person it’s used ALOT toward people like me
Having a chronic illness you experience toxic positivity from everyone, I usually get “at least it won’t kill you” or “just be positive” and I understand a lot of people are just trying to be kind but it diminishes the struggles that we go through everyday.
Yes I just wrote something similar on a post here. My chronic illness has lost me everything from job to friends/family. So when I hear don't cry or could be worse I just shut up now, they don't get it. Very sad, now I'm so alone with this I'm not sure how to navigate life anymore.
Some other examples “you live in the past. You need to choose to be happy now” which is like yeah, sure, but what makes you think anyone would voluntarily choose to be sad..? Don’t you think there’s a reason for it? And “you just gotta think positive and positive things will happen” that just brings on shame and guilt, as if it’s their fault their life is the way it is, when often, a lot of what they’re going thru is outside their control, and there’s literally nothing they can do but endure and cope with it. I’ve always believed that avoiding a problem doesn’t fix it, just leaves it somewhere for you to run into again. Forcing positivity on someone does not guarantee the negativity will just resolve itself. For some it might work, but for others, it may be important that they face their issues and how they feel head on so that they don’t become afraid of a similar issue happening again in the future. Everyone’s different, and people assume positivity is one size fits all, but it’s more like one size fits most/some. But just because it doesn’t fit, doesn’t mean there’s no hope for you. Just means that there’s a different method that would work better for you.
I just wish those toxic positive people would ACCEPT the FACT that they are toxic. To be honest, a majority of them will NOT. They are positive, they are right. I'm glad I'm on a balance situation since 2 years ago. I was very negative and still is but less after discovering another fact, toxic positive people that I know MADE me feel even more negative because of their words. Be careful out there. All sorts of people. Meeting the right ones to share my feelings and thoughts or even just how my day was is a blessing. Thank you Kati for your video.
This ruined many of my friendships after chronic illness I felt so humiliated & forced into one mode of talking about myself. I felt shut down & reduced to one aspect of my life, which was now wrong.
Right there with you! I’m a tongue cancer survivor. My own Mother was the worst at the toxic positivity comments and definitely enjoyed gaslighting me. I had half my tongue cut out for goodness sakes. I was on a feeding tube for 5 months. I lost my 25 year entertainment career. Ironically I was a singer, commercial actress and spokesmodel. The life I knew was gone. That journey took me to the end of myself and almost attempted suicide. NO ONE could even remotely relate to what I was going through and I couldn’t hardly speak a word!! My father also told me i needed to “get over it” but at least he accepted responsibility and listened when I told him later on how deeply wounded I was by his comment. I also had a tracheotomy for a while. My Mom was exacerbating all the trauma. Eventually, after about 5 years, I just couldn’t take it anymore and disconnected our relationship. I don’t worry any more about being blind sided from her cynicism. I’m learning to set healthy boundaries for myself and I know longer live in that world of shame, blame, fear, guilt and judgement now that I recognize it when it’s happening, thanks to Kati and Brene Brown! Wishing you peace my friend. 🙂
Every time I try to open up with my family, specially my mom, they always tell me things like: "Don't complain about anything because you have nothing to worry about and you should be thankful about that" "Aren't you taking things too personal?" "That's what God wants for you and He has giving you so much, so just pray" It's been like that for 10 years already and this week all the emotional pressure manifested through my physical health and sill nobody realized why all of this is happening. I feel like there's no way out...
My exhusband use to act obsessively happy to hid his hurt and shame. He was always going to the extreme and trying to push his fake happinesses down my throat and I couldn't be around him when he was like this. So stressful.
Yeah I think it’s out of control especially in the spiritual communities. It’s like dismissing people’s feelings. I’ve always been annoyed when someone tells a person that someone else has it worst then them. let people vent and talk about what they feel. it’s healing also just to get it out and to be able to set with those feelings so you can process them and hopefully eventually move on.
Yeah most of the time i wanna vent. Its not always denying help. Cos when I'm alone I think and I can reflect. But during the upset, all i want is compassion and to vent
I personally had a bad experience with my own therapist because of this. Stuff like thinking "I have a great family and I'm financially stable and I have a bright future" actually triggers feelings of shame, guilt and even more anxiety. After talking with them they understood it was not the best approach for me and we moved on to other more helpful exercises. It still is hurtful to face some of these comments, specially when I'm already doing the things that work for me and then I'm told "I'm not doing enough" by not being extremely positive
I think happiness and positivity have become societal norms. When someone casually asks you how you are, for example, you are expected to give a positive answer. On social media people generally portray themselves as the happiest people on the planet. But of course, everyone experiences sadness and a lot of people struggle with their mental health. Still, when you are unhappy, societal norms of happiness and positivity can suggest the idea of failure. People act as if happiness is the one and only true goal in life and if you have not attained it, you seem to have failed. But no one is happy all the time. All feelings, positive and negative, count and are valid.
I have this friend that became incredibly positive, you can't say anything that seems negative cause he'll say something like "you're not investing in a better you. Smile and be grateful" I find that type of mentality to be a trap in the long run and incredibly annoying. Positivity is ok, but when you ignore everything in life that seems negative, you're actually becoming weaker. That's how I see it. Life is a field of roses and every rose has thorns.
I see and understand your middle ground view on this and yes sometimes there is a healthy place for positivity. And it does get toxic when people use it to deny and invalidates even gaslights peoples trauma and abuse experiences as you mentioned. I feel there is a difference from healthy and necessary positivity vs toxic
No one says “you shouldn’t feel happy because there are people who are richer than you.” So, no one needs to say “you shouldn’t feel sad because there are people who are poorer than you.”
Kati, as a fellow therapist and human, I gotta say.. you are an incredibly powerful breath of fresh air. I love your balanced, compassionate views and insights. Thank you. Wholeheartedly.
'Positivity' is personal. It has to come from within, it can't be brought out by someone telling you that you're not allowed to feel the way you feel. Too often people only see in black and white, and misinterpret what's positive and what's negative. It's WAY too easy to dismiss problems that you, yourself, don't face.
I definitely think that we have emphasized positivity in our society to an extreme. Most people, when they ask "how are you?," expect "I'm good" as the standard response. Actually saying how one feels is usually frowned upon.
For me, the positive becomes toxic when people are using it to blame the ill person or make themselves feel better (bc they do xyz, this won't happen to them). The new age movement tends to blame illness on the sick person, like you asked for it or aren't spiritual enough or positive enough and therefore you have dis-ease. The deeper truth is that spirituality, emotions, and thoughts are only part of the equation. Physical illness can cause anxiety, for example. Imo it's best to take a whole-istic approach that addresses physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual aspects of health.
Loved this. I dont always need someone to fix my problem or to try to. I just need someone to be there for me and listen to me so i can process. Id like it if i was asked "do you want advice or do you need someone to just be there for you?"
In my experiences, "Think Positive" tends to be a mantra that basically oppresses the people who struggle with various mental illnesses such as depression and of course many disabled people (such as myself) have found that they have no choice but to live off of Social Security which makes us poor. I'll be honest, I've tried to do the "Think Positive" thing but when the socio-economic structures are a barrier in reality it can be hard.
I often find toxic positivity is a response from people not knowing what to say. Sometimes all a person needs is for someone to listen, sometimes saying less goes along way.
I used to be very "good vibes only" and "be positive" and when the pushback and toxic positivity talk started people started to give me a real hard time not realising it was a coping mechanism. I know too much positivity can be bad, but I like what you said about it being helpfull sometimes. I went from too positive to ZERO positivity because everyone was telling me I was anoying and toxic and positivity was something that helped me out of depression and it was allmost core value of my new post depression life. When that got atacked it felt like I lost what made me have the strenght to no colapse and I colapsed. For 2 years I could do not much more then just lay in bed and go to classes. It's so great to hear from a professional therapist that some positivity can be helpfull. Like another comment said, sometimes we think it's all or nothing and it's rarely that way. I must admit I fall into some toxic positivity traps like pretending to be happy just to try to feel happy, but therapy has helped wonders. Thanks for the video Kati, it was realy helpfull in understanding some things.
I feel u! I am super bubbly , goofy and happy all the time type of person and have heard that it is annoying. But people don’t realize that society kinda made us this way, parents made us this way...it’s a coping mechanism to either not have to share your feelings with annoying people that want to come and ask: “ wow what is this face all about? U seem sad?” Or to separate your emotions and be able to feel them in an adequate environment that is comfortable to u.
If they dont validate my negative emotion. I am making assumption that they dont want to face their negative emotion. Validation does not take a long time. It can be as simple as. "Yeah dude, that was rough. I would feel really sad if I were you." Then after validating my emotion, I love it when people challenge it. I feel heard yet I have a room to make it better.
This is why I love the step 4 of the anon groups. Look at your resentments and fears, they are valid. When we can see those clearly, and our part in them, it validates the feelings but also shows you a different way to look at it, a perspective shift. Not all roses and fresh bread. Heavy work, really, but it ends with real positivity, and not this fake pollyanna stuff that we as a culture are pushed to put out there to make other people more comfortable.
I was literally JUST thinking of this. I shared something heartbreaking and uncomfortable for me and someone just said, “Ok but what are some things you DO like about it?” I didnt respond. It’s as if I fell down a well, injured myself, and am freaking out and this spectator (who is safely above me and uninjured) yells, “So what are some positive things about you falling in that well and getting hurt?” Like dude, at least let me grieve and calm down first! It makes me think of “Joy” my least favorite character from “Inside Out”. Eventually even she, (contrary to her beliefs) needed to grieve before coming up with a plan of escape!
I was diagnosed with trigeminal neuralgia. When I try to talk to my family about what I'm going through they say it's because I don't pray and that people have things worse than me. I don't even wanna talk to them now. 😔
Oh. My. People need to take empathy classes before they are allowed to speak. That's a brutal condition. And feels like your body betrayed you probably. I think a better response might be...crap. I'm there anytime you need to vent or need help.
Try an osteopath or chiropractor. I’ve got TMJ it’s down to my hips & weak SI joint. It’s usually something that can be fixed with manual therapies. Accupuncture is good too. Very painful Are trapped nerves.
I am a grateful person, but I just experienced toxic positivity that I can't deal with. It invalidates experiences I've had in life, because this person is successful and their success has come with unusual speed and ease.
Your longer continuous segments with conservative use of jump cuts are really great. Even more welcoming and pleasant. Something I love about these videos and the way you talk about subjects. Thank you Kati!
I agree with all you’ve said. I think the reason I have SUCH A BIG PROBLEM with toxic (type) positivity is that positivity - in the form of decorative signs, stickers, books, etc. can come across as a trend and almost a cliche that can render true positivity meaningless. I have a problems with some people dealing with everything they hear from others by slapping a gratitude sticker on it. That and, as you mentioned, with some using it as a tool to dismiss any expression of problems, etc. so they don’t have to think about it themselves. For some, it’s a tool to stay in denial of the fact that the world it not perfect. I know it’s probably just semantics, but I like to see myself, instead, as optimistic in the face of real world issues 😊. That said, I, again, DO APPRECIATE all the points you made! Thank you!
Kati thank you so much for addressing this topic. The recent trend with toxic positivity is getting way out of hand. Especially in social media such as Instagram where influencers shove all these toxic positivity and hustle culture making the followers feel insecure and guilt trip them into thinking that they are not working hard enough. And the ironical part is that, they claim to be motivating by doing that. This is the reason why I left instagram 1 month ago and my anxiety went down dramatically!
At the end of the day, YOU are the only one who chooses how you feel and what you think. So why sit in your pain if you wanna get better? Choose to let it go.
The other one I am struggling with is when I say how I'm really feeling, and the person says something like, "oh, we all have/feel that way." I know they have good intentions of wanting us to feel better and not feel alone, but it feels invalidating. It's easier for me to excuse this from friends bc if you haven't had whatever illness then you don't understand the severity of the symptoms. When a nurse did this, I had to stop the conversation and ask her directly if what she was talking about was intended to say that I'm not ill. Not accepting an illness or a bad day can be devastating, leading to losing hope, not seeking help, or not seeing potential options.
Thank you for offering this perspective! I'm someone who has been helped deeply by DBT and work hard to find the balance between giving myself space to be upset, and avoiding rumination. It hurts me to see people getting lost in negativity and just hurting themselves because of it, but I also have a lot of sympathy for people who find that "just think positive" stuff infuriating and unhelpful. It's all about timing, like you said!
My own personal experience with this came when I experienced trauma during the birth of my daughter. When I tried to talk about it with anyone, including my husband, all I got in response was "at least your baby is healthy and alive, thats all that matters" and it was so so so frustrating and I just couldn't figure out why. Now I know it was toxic positivity, and this kind of thing happens to post partum women on a daily basis. We are supposed to shut up and squash it down and be grateful to peopke who we perceived to have abused us. Another favorite is "well be grateful we have the NHS, women used to die all the time in labor" completely ignoring how toxic the system is and how it perpetuates an environment of abuse and bullying among staff and towards patients.
Or when you hear "it's okay. Be strong" as if you are weak if you feel down or burnt out, and you have no right to feel burnt out no matter what you are going through! It's not a matter of weakness or strength, feelings are not black and white. I believe it's okay if you fall apart, feel upset, specially when you have a reason to feel that way and no matter if your reason is not a big deal for someone else, as long as it IS A BIG deal for you. I simply can't stand "be strong!" "You are stronger than these things" - it's a quick way of tagging someone/judging someone as weak or strong and no one needs to hear these! Thank you Kati for talking about it!!
I think we don’t like to see others unhappy, and if there’s nothing you can do for them you try to tell them it’s ok just don’t worry about it. We need to feel more comfortable with seeing others sad, and allow these feelings. All feelings are allowed!
This video made so much sence! Next time someone comes to me with a problem or a struggle, I'm gonna ask as early in the conversation as possible if they want empathy or sympathy from me, so that I know what to respond, ask or comment in the conversation!
Positivity culture is out of control. I was in a situation that was awful for me and everyone kept pushing me to see what was positive about it and so I never left the situation and now I have PTSD from it. I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same again, and I have no trust for anyone who pushes me to think positive thoughts when I’m saying that something isn’t okay with me.
Good video. Have a girl at work that hates my guts because I am not positive enough. Showed her a video of me playing a difficult guitar part from Pink Floyd. This was just before my world went awry. Lost job, home etc. Was depressed most of the time and told her while it was playing that I was a happier person at this time. Sort of to show I have not always been this way. She just ripped into me how negative I was etc. I was shocked. Hurt and disgusted. Been 5 years and she will not come withing 20 feet of me. She does not like just about everybody and she claims she is Ms. Positive. I know it is her problem, but I am stiff hurt and affected by it every day. I was just trying to make a friend and only made an enemy.
If someone is having a shit day, I tend to just listen, and if I can relate, I’ll say so too and empathise, depending on the situation. I try to not offer any advice etc., unless it’s specifically asked for, mostly just listen.
Kati, thank you so much for this video! I've been told many of the toxic positivity quotes you've stated in the video! I was born with a physical problem and there are times I would or currently get frustrated with how much pain I'm in or how it just bothers me. I've been told many times that "someone else has it worse" or "stop feeling sorry for yourself", etc. That's where I feel very alone in what I'm going through and affects my mental health greatly (I suffer from MDD and anxiety). I'm trying to get better at telling my loved ones about what I need when something is bothering or upsetting me where I either just need a listening ear or advice. I've also been trying to be better at not expressing the same toxic positivity to someone and ask what they need first as you've suggested! Thankfully my therapist has helped give me that safe space to talk to about my feelings and give me tools (like DBT) to help better manage my emotions and be more mindful no matter where I'm at! I've come a long way from suppressing my "bad" emotions to embracing them better! ^_^ Take care and stay well, Kati!
Thank you for taking the time to give an explanation about this topic. I recognize the feeling of not being heard bc of toxic positivety. After I began to work on my problems every positive thought/word triggered me. I thought I wasn't allowed to feel sad or angry. Now I feel things changing for me. Now I see that my brain always wants to improve, wants to secure me from threats. Bc of these demands I can be hard on myself and this focus is wearing me down. I feel like the positive and negative look on life has helped me in a lot of situations. To see the full picture. For me it's still (and maybe will always be) a balancing act.
Thank you also that you spread this information about mental health. I am clean now for about two weeks and you really helped me to stop self harming!!
Pain CAN be a sign of growth or the need for growth. Ignoring that kind of pain CAN lead to inhibition of growth or positive change. Consider the source of the pain AND if is the kind that can and needs to be a sign of the need for personal improvement and growth. This is an important distinction when considering how to respond to lifes challenges. Thank you!
As someone with autism I HATE when people try to push the positive on me. I 100% feel like they’re trying to tell me I’m being too sensitive or that I’m overreacting. That might just be because that’s how my family reacted anytime I had a meltdown, but I don’t like people downplaying the emotions I’m feeling or trying to make me not feel them.
FUCK YES!!!!! I also have ASD & my mom keeps saying stuff like “well, ur behavior makes people uncomfortable so u really need to stop acting that way around others.” She won’t listen that I was suuuuper overstimulated & I LITERALLY can’t control the panic attacks once they start. I was working at a place w/ a malfunctioning fire alarm that was causing episodes of dizziness, migraines, and eventually lead to psychotic behavior. my mom me “I know it’s uncomfortable but it’s not ok to act like that. I just have to keep ur head down & work through it”. 😡😡😡😡
TK my moms the exact same way. For a while she would refuse my diagnosis either because she didn’t want to admit her daughter was different or because she didnt want to deal with the guilt of never getting me help, idk which. I’m sorry you have to deal with that and hopefully you can get to a place where you don’t have to hear it. Once I moved out managing my autism and meltdowns was so much easier. People don’t understand it’s not something we can just turn off and on for their benefit and that as much as it’s making them “uncomfortable” it’s making us 10x uncomfortable. Not only are we over stimulated and overwhelmed and hurting but were feeling shame and embarrassment because the people around us don’t care enough to realize this is our normal way of dealing with stressful situations
I never knew what to call this, Toxic Positivity is perfect! It killed me, someone suffering from CPTSD/Depression/Anxiety, to be told by others that I was "lucky" to be where I was and to focus on the positive, when I felt like I was drowning in my pain. I needed to be heard and understood, not ignored/dismissed. Each time someone told me to "be positive" the neglect I suffered in my childhood would come bubbling up, I would feel angry and defensive for feeling what I felt but no one I was reaching out to was hearing me. I finally got a therapist that works for me and I don't feel this nearly as much as I used to.
We sometimes must recognize that shit happens in life and , some experience are painful , traumatic , awful , sad . Real world unfortunately is not only about being positive or de the bright side all time . Sometimes there is not bright side ! We must sometimes express “negative” emotions to be balanced. It’s fine to be sad , mad , scared , upset, sometimes
I know! I used to be in a relationship with someone, who after an argument, would say to me: "smile", but I didn't feel like smiling! "Don't cry", as well is one that really gets me! Crying is a healthy coping mechanism, we're *meant* to cry when we do! Not fight back the tears!
@@ecovegangeek yes, always. Since we were young, we always heard that. Don't cry. I wonder how that phrase started. It can be well meaning but it's toxic.
@@ecovegangeek just lost a friend over this one. She consistently told me 'don't cry' and I have huge turmoil in life she knows it well. WELL she and I parted ways via an email because she never could be vocal and I am always vocal ie crying because I'm very sick physically and mentally and afraid. How the @#$#@ can she say don't cry to me ... be that tough independent woman you've always been! Family had enough after parents died, sibs all left me. Black sheep as they say who struggled with mental illness but I did great in life until now and they all ran away. Not used to the 'strong' one being so so sick mental and physical. It hurts so bad makes me cry now more and just want to never leave house again. I have a therapist thankfully who is very good at grief and loss but still it's mean what they did to me and especially during these horrible times stuck home alone.
Great video on this topic. Becoming more aware of my own black and white thinking has helped me combat that mindset very well. When addressing my feelings I try to say, "this is how I'm feeling NOW." Putting emphasis on that has helped me live in the moment. I accept my emotions as they are, but focus on the fact that if they didn't change, they wouldn't exist at all.
Thank you for addressing this! Some people *really* need to watch Inside Out. If kids can learn that all of our emotions serve a purpose, even the ones that don't feel good, then adults can too.
Feel how you need to feel and then validate your feelings. All feelings and needs are OK. I didn't realize that I have the 'all or nothing' thinking as I work to solve my health issues. I can stop the black and white, drastic solution thinking and be ok with making good choices everyday. I can give myself compassion. Very good Kati. I learned something.
oh my god, THANK YOU FOR TALKING ABOUT THIS! as a C1-C5 quadriplegic, i get this ALOT and all it does is annoy the living crap out of me! it is so disheartening to talk about ANY aspect of my true thoughts or feelings without wearing the 'happy mask' and it really feels like they just dont care about it.. that they dont really care about me, which only exacerbates my mental health problems.. love you Kati!
I love this video! People want to always make you feel better, but at the same time it is invalidating your negative feelings for the time being. Thank you for making this video, really Insightful
I've lost people I thought were friends beause of their toxic positivity. When I was in a very dark place, I'd hear that I wasn't depressed enough, that their depression had been so much worse (to clarify, they were not depressed at the time) and that I shouldn't complain. That I should just "move on" and "think positively". All I needed was to be heard and supported, but instead got the opposite. Luckily, I had other friends in my life who weren't trying to force happiness onto me, but instead listened. They encouraged me to do the things I liked even if I didn't feel like it beforehand. But most importantly, they never invalidated my feelings and I felt secure sharing my thoughts with them.
So refreshing to hear someone talk about how toxic positivity has become.. We're all expected to be like robots now and just feel nothing negative ever.. Its sickening, you're allowed to feel angry.
Anger resonates at a higher frequency compared to apathy and depression. Radical changes can come from anger if channeled in the correct direction. A people who do not feel are also a people who do not see! It’s what is wanted from us by this system, apathy and complacency. All to better to control the masses, thereby getting whatever outcome the powers that be want!
Yes! We should feel what we need to feel and be human. Being too positive is almost like ignoring the problem and if a person ignores a problem it does not mean that it's not there. It just means that people are not learning what they should/need to learn to become smarter and not make the same mistakes.
Louder for the people in the back
I just don’t trust someone who is way too positive, I feel like they are out of touch with reality 🤷🏽♀️
That’s interesting. Do you mean someone who appears very happy or someone who invalidates your concerns?
Lauren J Someone who thinks everything can be fixed with a smile, sunshine and puppies, like the infamous life coaches or some modern gurus
Exactly
Totally Agree
THIS.
When you're having a bad day and someone tells you to be positive, it's like hearing nails on a chalk board! I really do prefer to be optimistic rather than positive, especially during hard times. Optimism is like putting on a life vest in a storm, it's enough to hold your head above water until you make it to calmer waters. Positivity is like pretending the storm is calm when it's not.
Yes!!!! I love that distinction!! Optimism versus positive.. thank you so much for sharing!! xoxo
those religious people doing this everyday should be diagnosed with a mental illness.
Great analogy! 👍
@@eduardochavacano YAHUAH BARUK YOU
I prefer to just let it be, whatever the emotion is. After years of struggling, therapy taught me how I am always running from my feelings, avoiding them, how they hurt or fear me. Now it's time to say: oh hello, there you are. Stay a while. Because they will always leave again.
Btw, optimism is important. But I believe this will be easier when you allow yourself to let the emotions be.
Sometimes folks just need to know that their concerns are valid.
Yh, but the these "positive" people go like:"why do you need to be validated by someone else, love yourself more"
Agreed! Everyone has a sixth sense and sometimes things are just a little fishy. 🐠 🤔
Omg yes
In my own life, the people who force positive thinking are the most toxic people I know. They are the ones who will block people's numbers if they aren't "positive enough" or tell me "think positive" in every life situation, but they are very contradictory because they are the people who complain more than anyone I know and who tear people down and gossip more than anyone I know. It feels, to me, like they need everyone else to be positive so that they can feed off of their energy.
That's just my own experience, though.
I agree with you, I think there should be a healthy balance between feeling all emotions and learning how to manage them.
Yes!! I have been doing online dating and if someone says no drama or positvie vibes only...I run the other way! Drama happens negative vibes happen. If we have a mental health issue we may be negative and it is not a failing! We can just do the best we can.
Thank you for stating that so articulately, I don’t have to restate anything you can just wrote, but I would like to add to it. There are some of us out there have tried to be as positive as possible, but negative things just keep occurring - even if we try to avoid them. Now on the “trying to make lemonade out of lemons front,” I’m trying to reshape my thinking; however, people have to be realistic. Those people that state that “you should put a positive spin on everything” are the biggest gaslighters in the world, and they also are the type of people that suppress or continually dismiss other people when they say something that doesn’t meet “their narrative” and that is so frustrating. So I have decided that when I come across somebody like that, I run too!
I’ve done my share of online dating as well and toxic positive people are super phony when they spew all that nonsense. Positivity has its place, but it should be balance with reason. I really appreciate Kati saying “all feelings are okay...validate their feelings....and feel how we feel and there’s no judgment around it!” Kati is a life changer! This video is perfect!
Do you ever wonder if overly positive people are just deeply insecure or/and not that bright?
Yes I find that too in my personal life.. it's like they can't see that they are doing it themselves.. ugh!
@@coachgpodcast I love how you put that! I have had the same experience and I agree so much with you! ♡ You're doing the hard work and will be a better person because of it!
I was 100% guilty of telling people “at least you’re not a starving child in Africa” and it was because I was telling that to myself BECAUSE other people would tell me that first! I was a very depressed child because I was raised by a narcissist but I wasn’t outwardly abused or neglected so people would say “why are you depressed? Nothing bad has happened to you. At least you HAVE a dad and he doesn’t beat you up, your childhood isn’t that bad. At least you’re not a starving child in Africa.” So I would turn around and tell others the same thing, furthering this stupid cycle. I have always struggled with feeling worthy of my emotions because I feel like I haven’t “earned them” because “nothing bad has happened to me”. As an adult I worked with CPS for a while, believe me I know that objectively I didn’t have a terrible childhood. However, I know started pushing back to those comments by saying “why can’t you just let me feel what I’m feeling? Why can’t you respect that just because my dad didn’t beat me up he was a TERRIBLE influence on my childhood and has been the root cause of my severe anxiety and depression and low self esteem that has poisoned my whole life and I’m still working through those struggles to this day? It may not be that bad, but it was bad to me and I’m allowed to feel what I’m feeling.”
I think we have all been told that at one time or another.. thank you so much for sharing your story, and YES you are allowed to feel what you are feeling :) xoxo
I have such a hard time with feeling my feelings. My bad habit is to "approve or disapprove" of feelings instead of feeling.
I"m glad you're working through those struggles -- it makes me think I can work through mine.
Thank you for being so open.
Well said Gray Girl, well said. I00% agree with you and you do have my empathy. I went thru same thing. Whole life is spent, crawling out of the
horrible mess. Blessings, please take care of you. I know it will get better for you. It has for me.
Thanks for sharing us your story and .. let me please because It is really worth spreading 😃
I had a similar experience, except my dad would tell me those things about how kids more sick than I was without access to an education would crawl to school if they had the opportunity and that it wasn't justified for me to stay home when I was in so much pain that I couldn't stand up/sit up/walk or when I was having room-spinning vertigo. I am a student who absolutely loves school! I wouldn't miss it if I truly wasn't so ill, but being beaten down with these words literally almost led me to suicide. I had every intention to act one day, but a teacher happened to say the right things to me at the right time (without having a clue that I was even having thoughts of suicide), and I didn't.
I’m my experience, the best response is: “That Sucks!”
Agreed! xoxo
@@electricfishfan I personally really like when people recognize my problems by saying "That sucks" because I often don't allow myself to have problems. By hearing "That sucks", I am reminded that my problem is valid.
However, some people I know don't actually want to hear from another person that the situation that they're in sucks because that just causes them to feel more anxious. One of my friends really doesn't like when someone says "That sucks" because they are already very aware that their problem sucks and become even more emotional.
It just really depends on the person and the situation what is the best thing to do. I am a fan of simply asking the person whether they want someone empathizing with them, reassurance, advice, a good hug or a distraction.
Same
Or "that's rough buddy"
Omg yes!
When I’m with someone who uses toxic positivity when I tell them about a negative feeling I’m having, I tend to double down and elaborate on my negative feeling because I don’t feel validated or like they understand what I mean.
This makes them think I’m a negative Nancy, but when I’m with someone who has a more realistic perspective, they’ll say, “Man that sucks. Sorry you feel that way” and then we both can move on to the next topic because I don’t feel the need to try to explain my feelings anymore!
There's a wider problem to toxic positivity, especially in the US. The mentality of " I can make it / just work hard and your dreams will come true / eventually I will be rewarded for my hard work and so on...
It keeps people from realizing that the system is broken, not them...
*Mic drop*
Great point.
It's hustle culture mixed with toxic positivity and the toxic world of self help
Right. It also makes you really bitter when you don't achieve "the American dream" in the way you imagined or the way it is portrayed. On the other side of unrealistically positive expectations is disappointment.
You are saying truth at 1000% percent! The system here is rigged, or purposely broken. It often punishes those that don’t deserve it and rewards those that don’t! It’s set up by “people of the lie” therefore, unless you’re one of them, you will likely have a pretty tough life, in general. I believe empaths, Hsps, any light worker will lead a difficult life unless they start to live, co-exist with the system that is and just do their own thing. Success and happiness can be had, however, it is on different terms for everyone. The American Dream is a lie that makes people chase the wrong things and puts many in disappointment and harms way. Much of whatever we’re taught in this nation is also a lie, it’s Maya. Many of us have miles to go and insurmountable obstacles in the way, just to get there, wherever there is.
Spot on. I find the quickest way to irritate a client is to invalidate their experience with a poor application of positive psychology. I'm glad you posted this. Ironically, everyone seems scared to speak out and feel the wrath of the positive cult.
Paul, I am doing online dating and under a pet peeves question I listed Toxic postivitiy. So many people say "Positive Vibes Only" or "No Drama" what I and my friend who are dating have learned this means the person either has an inability to deal with others emotions or has so much drama they do not have room for any other. Of course, a very few just say this because it is what is said. But none of those scenarios suit me. I have issues. I have bad vibes sometimes and drama happens.I aim to deal with it better and minimize, but it will be there.
Yes people are so scared these days to speak up and have a real conversation! I am glad you enjoyed the video :) xoxo
My first therapist also have toxic positivity. He'll ask me how I am and I'll answer truthfully only to be told that I should stop being negative. It feels like, even to him, I still should fake being okay like what I always do.
And unfortunately, I found out that here in my country, there are a lot of psychologist who are like that. Especially the ones that my school invites to speak in seminars. I tested one of them and he was really uncomfortable that I'm being so truthful about not being okay. I guess he had expected everyone to fake it as always. The other one (I'm not really testing him but I cried at the seminar because I've been keeping it in for too long), also got uncomfortable. His energy is like saying, "don't get near me full-of-negativity woman!". So I was shocked because I thought he cares. (This happened before that "testing"). That's when I realized that not because a person is a psychologist, s/he is empathic.
@@katiemaedit so true.
@@minshubay6740 it's a shame to hear how so many people have that negative experience with therapists. Anger has to be vented by the client, and then validated and explored by the therapist before alternative perpectives or behaviors can be explored. Otherwise, the therapist is just gaslighting.
Asking someone if they need to vent or want help finding a solution is 100% a game changer. This has become a staple in my conversations with friends and family members. I think people would be surprised how many people just need a few minutes and a safe space to tell a person they're struggling and just let it out, rather than just screaming into the void or holding it in. Sometimes venting is the solution, and asking first will allow that person to feel seen, heard, and validated. And hopefully empower them to move through it, while feeling supported. It helps me so much to be able to vent, and feel "allowed" my temporary negativity, so I can focus on the things within my control: recognize the negative, work toward the positive, and not shame myself for my emotions, no matter where they fall between the two.
My husband was working at a horrible company when I had a miscarriage and he couldn't take time off. I was very upset and a friend stopped by and said, "Some women wish their husbands even had a job." I was trying to express that I wasn't OK being alone and she tried to force me to look on the bright side.
Grrrrrrr!
You just lost your baby FFS!
I hope you showed her the door, as that was a very dismissive, insensitive thing to say....
I'm very sorry for your loss.
That's not even a friend. How cruel.
Sorry that happened to you!
Ugh!! That's terrible and I am so sorry for your loss and that your friend couldn't just listen and support you. xoxoxo
This is a perfect example of toxic positivity. No empathy for you, just dismissing your feelings all while pretending to look on the bright side.
"Being ok all the time is not mental health. It's crap"
- Meredith Grey
Im fucking hour mom
or ignorance
Yep it’s fine to cry ,be lazy or go though things it okay you will heal
This is very important. The internet has so much of this. It really becomes more about the "positive" person's need to stay comfortable and not about the person expressing or dealing with real pain.
I needed this video, I can’t stand toxic positivity and it irks me when people are like that!!!
“Be positive” sounds like “you better act happy so I don’t have to actually hear what you’re saying & respond.” It sounds more like, “be quiet” because I don’t care enough to take two minutes to hear you & formulate a thoughtful reply.
I realize now that people might not take time to think of their true feelings or intentions. Maybe they are really trying to say “things will get better” or that “you deserve a positive outcome,” instead of politely saying “shut up.”
Listen to a therapist & stop invalidating people’s feelings & reality. Your friends just want to be validated by you & know you care! This takes five minutes!! Ask “how are you?” And listen to the answer without fixing or invalidating!
This ruined many of my friendships bc I felt so humiliated & forced into one mode of talking about myself with an illness.
I almost felt gaslit or that people needed to be in denial for themselves, and how I am doesn’t really matter to them. Might as well interact with a Disney Positive Avatar of myself instead & disappear or die with my chronic illness & bad news?
Life is not always a positive experience or a sitcom with a Disney ending in 30 minutes.
YES!!!
Oh yes!
my mom used to say that to me, "you better act good/better in front of people otherwise" i was so mad
Exactly. people are just Selfish and they are Delusional! Mostly Self Rightheous Moralist have this crazy attitude.
Positivity doesn't always look like people think it should. I once knew someone who was trying to talk me out of being a Goth. Later on I heard he was using drugs
“One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.”
- Carl Jung
Embracing the darkness is necessary for growth and ultimately wholeness.
Smart quote
I've been told I was negative when I felt I was just being realistic. I just know that someone trying to force positivity on me never seems like they're basing their positivity on assumption with no evidence. I take it with a grain of salt.
"It could be worse"
*Throat punch activated*
AMEN! I always say I would like to throat punch some people.
BAHAHAHAHA!!!!! 😹
hahah!! Love it!! xoxo
Yeaaaayaaaahhh
@@Katimorton xoxo
I believe that toxic positivity is the main reason why problems in our society never get fixed. When we are always looking on the bright side, we are not seeing The whole picture, which makes it easier for us to sweep problems under the rug. The fear and anger we are seeing in our country today has historical, economic and social causes that we will never truly reckon with when we keep trying to convince ourselves to only see things in a positive light.
I grew up with this. It made me feel not worthy of feeling the way I did feel.
Currently living with parents that are like this. Ive got many mental illnesses and they tell me to ignore it and to just stop because i have a great life or whatever... :(
As an older, lifelong sufferer, I learned that healthy people simply do not understand our dark deep pains. For them 'our mood' is like a picnic day with bad weather. It can be impossible to make them understand, but you can try to teach them that you have illnesses, like any other chonic physical illness. Connect with those who do understand, spend your energy on things you love.
Worst things ever
"other people have it worse"
= "only the one person with the worst situation in the world is allowed to complain about anything"
I feel like people who are saying "be positive" might have good intentions. However, this toxic positivity can really be invalidating and victim-blaming. For me, whenever I want to say something like "be positive" or "look at the good side of it" to others, I will test myself first "Do I want to hear those words when I am in the same situation?" I know that it is impossible to totally put myself into other's positions, but I feel it can prevent me from hurting others without intentions.
I really agree with "black and white" thinking part BTW, I feel like I hate toxic positivity so much to the point that I refuse to hear anything about positivity. That might not be helpful.
Creating a safe space to feel every emotion is so important!
Yes!!! xoxo
i liked something i heard about offering a friend who is upset about something: “are you wanting to try solve the problem or just talk about it?”
YES!!!
I liked something that I heard from an old friend about a friend: Is it ok if I vent my problem to you? honestly, venting to someone who already is overwhelmed is a path not everyone wants to walk. I know that sometimes it’s give and take but when it’s not it’s frustrating.
“I have made a ceaseless effort not to ridicule, not to bewail, not to scorn human actions, but to understand them.”
― Baruch Spinoza
I'm a retired psychotherapist and for 35 years have counseled trauma survivors. I absolutely agree with everything you've said about "toxic positivity". When people aren't allowed to feel their emotions and go straight into positive thinking, they are usually denying the emotion and go into the cognitive brain to think of a positive thought. What happens is that one might intellectually think positive, but the emotion of positivity is absent. They've basically stuffed the feeling deep inside themselves.
When I do open up about how I’m feeling there always someone telling me to think positive, so I stop opening up and keep everything to myself
Which makes you ruminate, right?
Jo-Anna Hicks yes
Same
The point made about “all or nothing” mentality is so true!
Right?!? I don't know why we are so drawn to it!! xoxo
Positivity is important as long as it doesn't turn into denial...like for instance telling someone who is dying to look on the bright side...easy to say if you are not the person going through the process of dying. Having said that, positivity can also help us to survive, assuming that we will live through adversity can make a big difference to us actually living through difficult times. So i guess the key is to make space for both but not get stuck in one or the other experience.
True. I think people don't understand that trying to force others to be positive has no upside if that's all you do. A bit of forced positivity is worthwhile but refusing to acknowledge the down sides in life just makes people feel worse imo
Wonderful advice.
For 'normal, every day' problems, positivity really helps me, to be reminded of the richness I do have and how people somewhere in the world is so much worse off. It also puts me in action; to do something for them, or just in my community. Of course with deeper very personal struggles, it does not help to hear 'but people there have it more difficult'. It makes one feel even worse. But most of the time, I notice the people who say that have never known the depth of depression/anxiety, so in their mind, they are trying to help, so I forgive them.
I agree everyday mundane problems it's effective, but for traumatic experiences it's not at all.
Yes I think that's why positive thinking and just 'deciding to be positive' is such a common advice from someone who does not suffer from mental illness. You can't cure mental illness by psyching yourself up but it can help if you're upset about the weather lol.
I like people who are genuine and honest and can tell me what's REALLY going on. I've had the occasional friend who can only portray happy happy, ALL the time, and I have found it to warn of deeper issues. Those sort of people make me apprehensive. I like people who can say freely what sucks.
LMAO when I was in 8th grade my sister tragically died 13 hours after going through a car window & my best friend texted me and said “maybe not be so negative about it” these people do exist.
Omg x( So sorry this happened to you period. I hope you are coping ok and do not encounter this again. I am sorry for your loss.
May your sister rest in peace and hope you are your family are doing well, and that peson who said that should go fuck themselves
they are called Born Again Christians
That is infuriating
Omg
I think balance is a key word. Positivity does have its place and it’s time. But when you need to grieve or just feel deeply, go ahead...
A good example is when I say "I feel I'm not loved" and someone says "But you are! I love you".. It's not the point, I'm sharing what I feel, so you just have to mirror that and say "I really understand, it must feel really horrible" (for instanse).
That's a great example! Sometimes we just want to be heard and supported :) xoxo
When I encounter folks like this, I just chalk it up to shallow thinking and automatically back off from meaningful relationships with them. These folks will keep you in harmful and toxic situations trying to convince you to think positively about terrible circumstances. If we've been friends long enough for me to feel comfortable confiding in you and all you have for me is ,"think positively", I'm good.
Well said
One day in session I told my therapist that “I try to cheer myself up when I’m upset” and she said it was okay to let myself feel upset and to just be kind to myself until it went away. So, hope this is helpful for someone else.
Love this topic ! Creating room for what is (positive or negative) is being present
I usually tell people that what they have just said to me doesn’t help my situation. I also tell them they are invalidating my feelings. They usually don’t listen. 😳
Makes me think of Carl Jung and the Shadow
@@alwaysyouramanda Yes shadow self.. Rumi used to write a lot of poetry about the shadow self
@@highlandbeachbum67 I have to
Balance. Its a balance. You gotta have that in your life, but dont get obsessed with it.
I’m so sick of toxic positivity I understand people are “trying” but I am personally disgusted by it as a disabled person it’s used ALOT toward people like me
Having a chronic illness you experience toxic positivity from everyone, I usually get “at least it won’t kill you” or “just be positive” and I understand a lot of people are just trying to be kind but it diminishes the struggles that we go through everyday.
Yes I just wrote something similar on a post here. My chronic illness has lost me everything from job to friends/family. So when I hear don't cry or could be worse I just shut up now, they don't get it. Very sad, now I'm so alone with this I'm not sure how to navigate life anymore.
I have a chronic illness that actually CAN kill me. I once got, "we all have to die someday."
Most ppl.dont care or wanna hear it n fake
@@Cosmogirl014 hugs ilu❤
@@hollydaugherty2620 evil wtf js wrong with ppl
Some other examples “you live in the past. You need to choose to be happy now” which is like yeah, sure, but what makes you think anyone would voluntarily choose to be sad..? Don’t you think there’s a reason for it? And “you just gotta think positive and positive things will happen” that just brings on shame and guilt, as if it’s their fault their life is the way it is, when often, a lot of what they’re going thru is outside their control, and there’s literally nothing they can do but endure and cope with it. I’ve always believed that avoiding a problem doesn’t fix it, just leaves it somewhere for you to run into again. Forcing positivity on someone does not guarantee the negativity will just resolve itself. For some it might work, but for others, it may be important that they face their issues and how they feel head on so that they don’t become afraid of a similar issue happening again in the future. Everyone’s different, and people assume positivity is one size fits all, but it’s more like one size fits most/some. But just because it doesn’t fit, doesn’t mean there’s no hope for you. Just means that there’s a different method that would work better for you.
I just wish those toxic positive people would ACCEPT the FACT that they are toxic. To be honest, a majority of them will NOT. They are positive, they are right. I'm glad I'm on a balance situation since 2 years ago. I was very negative and still is but less after discovering another fact, toxic positive people that I know MADE me feel even more negative because of their words. Be careful out there. All sorts of people. Meeting the right ones to share my feelings and thoughts or even just how my day was is a blessing. Thank you Kati for your video.
This ruined many of my friendships after chronic illness I felt so humiliated & forced into one mode of talking about myself. I felt shut down & reduced to one aspect of my life, which was now wrong.
Right there with you! I’m a tongue cancer survivor. My own Mother was the worst at the toxic positivity comments and definitely enjoyed gaslighting me. I had half my tongue cut out for goodness sakes. I was on a feeding tube for 5 months. I lost my 25 year entertainment career. Ironically I was a singer, commercial actress and spokesmodel. The life I knew was gone. That journey took me to the end of myself and almost attempted suicide. NO ONE could even remotely relate to what I was going through and I couldn’t hardly speak a word!! My father also told me i needed to “get over it” but at least he accepted responsibility and listened when I told him later on how deeply wounded I was by his comment. I also had a tracheotomy for a while. My Mom was exacerbating all the trauma. Eventually, after about 5 years, I just couldn’t take it anymore and disconnected our relationship. I don’t worry any more about being blind sided from her cynicism. I’m learning to set healthy boundaries for myself and I know longer live in that world of shame, blame, fear, guilt and judgement now that I recognize it when it’s happening, thanks to Kati and Brene Brown! Wishing you peace my friend. 🙂
@@loristegner3272 wow
Every time I try to open up with my family, specially my mom, they always tell me things like:
"Don't complain about anything because you have nothing to worry about and you should be thankful about that"
"Aren't you taking things too personal?"
"That's what God wants for you and He has giving you so much, so just pray"
It's been like that for 10 years already and this week all the emotional pressure manifested through my physical health and sill nobody realized why all of this is happening. I feel like there's no way out...
My exhusband use to act obsessively happy to hid his hurt and shame. He was always going to the extreme and trying to push his fake happinesses down my throat and I couldn't be around him when he was like this. So stressful.
Yeah I think it’s out of control especially in the spiritual communities. It’s like dismissing people’s feelings. I’ve always been annoyed when someone tells a person that someone else has it worst then them. let people vent and talk about what they feel. it’s healing also just to get it out and to be able to set with those feelings so you can process them and hopefully eventually move on.
Yeah most of the time i wanna vent. Its not always denying help. Cos when I'm alone I think and I can reflect. But during the upset, all i want is compassion and to vent
I personally had a bad experience with my own therapist because of this. Stuff like thinking "I have a great family and I'm financially stable and I have a bright future" actually triggers feelings of shame, guilt and even more anxiety. After talking with them they understood it was not the best approach for me and we moved on to other more helpful exercises. It still is hurtful to face some of these comments, specially when I'm already doing the things that work for me and then I'm told "I'm not doing enough" by not being extremely positive
I think happiness and positivity have become societal norms. When someone casually asks you how you are, for example, you are expected to give a positive answer. On social media people generally portray themselves as the happiest people on the planet. But of course, everyone experiences sadness and a lot of people struggle with their mental health. Still, when you are unhappy, societal norms of happiness and positivity can suggest the idea of failure. People act as if happiness is the one and only true goal in life and if you have not attained it, you seem to have failed. But no one is happy all the time. All feelings, positive and negative, count and are valid.
“When we judge or criticize another person, it says nothing about that person; it merely says something about our own need to be critical.”
I hate being told it's time for you to forgive, forget and heal! I need support not someone telling me what to do!
I have this friend that became incredibly positive, you can't say anything that seems negative cause he'll say something like "you're not investing in a better you. Smile and be grateful" I find that type of mentality to be a trap in the long run and incredibly annoying. Positivity is ok, but when you ignore everything in life that seems negative, you're actually becoming weaker. That's how I see it. Life is a field of roses and every rose has thorns.
thank you for focusing on this. been thinking about this concept so much and realizing i've had chronic feelings of shame
I see and understand your middle ground view on this and yes sometimes there is a healthy place for positivity. And it does get toxic when people use it to deny and invalidates even gaslights peoples trauma and abuse experiences as you mentioned. I feel there is a difference from healthy and necessary positivity vs toxic
No one says “you shouldn’t feel happy because there are people who are richer than you.” So, no one needs to say “you shouldn’t feel sad because there are people who are poorer than you.”
Kati, as a fellow therapist and human, I gotta say.. you are an incredibly powerful breath of fresh air. I love your balanced, compassionate views and insights. Thank you. Wholeheartedly.
❤️
'Positivity' is personal. It has to come from within, it can't be brought out by someone telling you that you're not allowed to feel the way you feel.
Too often people only see in black and white, and misinterpret what's positive and what's negative. It's WAY too easy to dismiss problems that you, yourself, don't face.
I definitely think that we have emphasized positivity in our society to an extreme. Most people, when they ask "how are you?," expect "I'm good" as the standard response. Actually saying how one feels is usually frowned upon.
For me, the positive becomes toxic when people are using it to blame the ill person or make themselves feel better (bc they do xyz, this won't happen to them). The new age movement tends to blame illness on the sick person, like you asked for it or aren't spiritual enough or positive enough and therefore you have dis-ease. The deeper truth is that spirituality, emotions, and thoughts are only part of the equation. Physical illness can cause anxiety, for example. Imo it's best to take a whole-istic approach that addresses physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual aspects of health.
Love this.
agreed
Loved this. I dont always need someone to fix my problem or to try to. I just need someone to be there for me and listen to me so i can process. Id like it if i was asked "do you want advice or do you need someone to just be there for you?"
In my experiences, "Think Positive" tends to be a mantra that basically oppresses the people who struggle with various mental illnesses such as depression and of course many disabled people (such as myself) have found that they have no choice but to live off of Social Security which makes us poor. I'll be honest, I've tried to do the "Think Positive" thing but when the socio-economic structures are a barrier in reality it can be hard.
I often find toxic positivity is a response from people not knowing what to say. Sometimes all a person needs is for someone to listen, sometimes saying less goes along way.
I used to be very "good vibes only" and "be positive" and when the pushback and toxic positivity talk started people started to give me a real hard time not realising it was a coping mechanism. I know too much positivity can be bad, but I like what you said about it being helpfull sometimes. I went from too positive to ZERO positivity because everyone was telling me I was anoying and toxic and positivity was something that helped me out of depression and it was allmost core value of my new post depression life. When that got atacked it felt like I lost what made me have the strenght to no colapse and I colapsed. For 2 years I could do not much more then just lay in bed and go to classes.
It's so great to hear from a professional therapist that some positivity can be helpfull. Like another comment said, sometimes we think it's all or nothing and it's rarely that way.
I must admit I fall into some toxic positivity traps like pretending to be happy just to try to feel happy, but therapy has helped wonders.
Thanks for the video Kati, it was realy helpfull in understanding some things.
I feel u! I am super bubbly , goofy and happy all the time type of person and have heard that it is annoying. But people don’t realize that society kinda made us this way, parents made us this way...it’s a coping mechanism to either not have to share your feelings with annoying people that want to come and ask: “ wow what is this face all about? U seem sad?” Or to separate your emotions and be able to feel them in an adequate environment that is comfortable to u.
@@BelAyrosa I just don't understand why people don't want to see other people happy when they are. I'm not exacly bubbly but I think I feel you too.
If they dont validate my negative emotion. I am making assumption that they dont want to face their negative emotion. Validation does not take a long time. It can be as simple as. "Yeah dude, that was rough. I would feel really sad if I were you." Then after validating my emotion, I love it when people challenge it. I feel heard yet I have a room to make it better.
"Let them tell you what they need instead of assuming that you always know what's best."
This is why I love the step 4 of the anon groups. Look at your resentments and fears, they are valid. When we can see those clearly, and our part in them, it validates the feelings but also shows you a different way to look at it, a perspective shift. Not all roses and fresh bread. Heavy work, really, but it ends with real positivity, and not this fake pollyanna stuff that we as a culture are pushed to put out there to make other people more comfortable.
I was literally JUST thinking of this. I shared something heartbreaking and uncomfortable for me and someone just said, “Ok but what are some things you DO like about it?” I didnt respond. It’s as if I fell down a well, injured myself, and am freaking out and this spectator (who is safely above me and uninjured) yells, “So what are some positive things about you falling in that well and getting hurt?”
Like dude, at least let me grieve and calm down first! It makes me think of “Joy” my least favorite character from “Inside Out”. Eventually even she, (contrary to her beliefs) needed to grieve before coming up with a plan of escape!
I was diagnosed with trigeminal neuralgia. When I try to talk to my family about what I'm going through they say it's because I don't pray and that people have things worse than me. I don't even wanna talk to them now. 😔
Ashly Maria Roswin 🤦♀️🤦♀️
Oh. My. People need to take empathy classes before they are allowed to speak. That's a brutal condition. And feels like your body betrayed you probably. I think a better response might be...crap. I'm there anytime you need to vent or need help.
That’s awful! I’m sorry that happened to you.
Try an osteopath or chiropractor. I’ve got TMJ it’s down to my hips & weak SI joint. It’s usually something that can be fixed with manual therapies. Accupuncture is good too. Very painful Are trapped nerves.
Sad😢
I am a grateful person, but I just experienced toxic positivity that I can't deal with. It invalidates experiences I've had in life, because this person is successful and their success has come with unusual speed and ease.
Your longer continuous segments with conservative use of jump cuts are really great. Even more welcoming and pleasant. Something I love about these videos and the way you talk about subjects. Thank you Kati!
I agree with all you’ve said. I think the reason I have SUCH A BIG PROBLEM with toxic (type) positivity is that positivity - in the form of decorative signs, stickers, books, etc. can come across as a trend and almost a cliche that can render true positivity meaningless. I have a problems with some people dealing with everything they hear from others by slapping a gratitude sticker on it. That and, as you mentioned, with some using it as a tool to dismiss any expression of problems, etc. so they don’t have to think about it themselves. For some, it’s a tool to stay in denial of the fact that the world it not perfect. I know it’s probably just semantics, but I like to see myself, instead, as optimistic in the face of real world issues 😊.
That said, I, again, DO APPRECIATE all the points you made! Thank you!
Kati thank you so much for addressing this topic. The recent trend with toxic positivity is getting way out of hand. Especially in social media such as Instagram where influencers shove all these toxic positivity and hustle culture making the followers feel insecure and guilt trip them into thinking that they are not working hard enough. And the ironical part is that, they claim to be motivating by doing that. This is the reason why I left instagram 1 month ago and my anxiety went down dramatically!
At the end of the day, YOU are the only one who chooses how you feel and what you think. So why sit in your pain if you wanna get better? Choose to let it go.
The other one I am struggling with is when I say how I'm really feeling, and the person says something like, "oh, we all have/feel that way." I know they have good intentions of wanting us to feel better and not feel alone, but it feels invalidating. It's easier for me to excuse this from friends bc if you haven't had whatever illness then you don't understand the severity of the symptoms. When a nurse did this, I had to stop the conversation and ask her directly if what she was talking about was intended to say that I'm not ill. Not accepting an illness or a bad day can be devastating, leading to losing hope, not seeking help, or not seeing potential options.
Thank you for offering this perspective! I'm someone who has been helped deeply by DBT and work hard to find the balance between giving myself space to be upset, and avoiding rumination. It hurts me to see people getting lost in negativity and just hurting themselves because of it, but I also have a lot of sympathy for people who find that "just think positive" stuff infuriating and unhelpful. It's all about timing, like you said!
My own personal experience with this came when I experienced trauma during the birth of my daughter. When I tried to talk about it with anyone, including my husband, all I got in response was "at least your baby is healthy and alive, thats all that matters" and it was so so so frustrating and I just couldn't figure out why. Now I know it was toxic positivity, and this kind of thing happens to post partum women on a daily basis. We are supposed to shut up and squash it down and be grateful to peopke who we perceived to have abused us. Another favorite is "well be grateful we have the NHS, women used to die all the time in labor" completely ignoring how toxic the system is and how it perpetuates an environment of abuse and bullying among staff and towards patients.
Or when you hear "it's okay. Be strong" as if you are weak if you feel down or burnt out, and you have no right to feel burnt out no matter what you are going through! It's not a matter of weakness or strength, feelings are not black and white. I believe it's okay if you fall apart, feel upset, specially when you have a reason to feel that way and no matter if your reason is not a big deal for someone else, as long as it IS A BIG deal for you. I simply can't stand "be strong!" "You are stronger than these things" - it's a quick way of tagging someone/judging someone as weak or strong and no one needs to hear these! Thank you Kati for talking about it!!
I think we don’t like to see others unhappy, and if there’s nothing you can do for them you try to tell them it’s ok just don’t worry about it. We need to feel more comfortable with seeing others sad, and allow these feelings. All feelings are allowed!
This video made so much sence! Next time someone comes to me with a problem or a struggle, I'm gonna ask as early in the conversation as possible if they want empathy or sympathy from me, so that I know what to respond, ask or comment in the conversation!
Let us be generous with our compassion, empathy, and understanding during these uncertain times.
Positivity culture is out of control. I was in a situation that was awful for me and everyone kept pushing me to see what was positive about it and so I never left the situation and now I have PTSD from it. I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same again, and I have no trust for anyone who pushes me to think positive thoughts when I’m saying that something isn’t okay with me.
Good video. Have a girl at work that hates my guts because I am not positive enough. Showed her a video of me playing a difficult guitar part from Pink Floyd. This was just before my world went awry. Lost job, home etc. Was depressed most of the time and told her while it was playing that I was a happier person at this time. Sort of to show I have not always been this way. She just ripped into me how negative I was etc. I was shocked. Hurt and disgusted. Been 5 years and she will not come withing 20 feet of me. She does not like just about everybody and she claims she is Ms. Positive. I know it is her problem, but I am stiff hurt and affected by it every day. I was just trying to make a friend and only made an enemy.
If someone is having a shit day, I tend to just listen, and if I can relate, I’ll say so too and empathise, depending on the situation. I try to not offer any advice etc., unless it’s specifically asked for, mostly just listen.
Kati, thank you so much for this video! I've been told many of the toxic positivity quotes you've stated in the video! I was born with a physical problem and there are times I would or currently get frustrated with how much pain I'm in or how it just bothers me. I've been told many times that "someone else has it worse" or "stop feeling sorry for yourself", etc. That's where I feel very alone in what I'm going through and affects my mental health greatly (I suffer from MDD and anxiety). I'm trying to get better at telling my loved ones about what I need when something is bothering or upsetting me where I either just need a listening ear or advice. I've also been trying to be better at not expressing the same toxic positivity to someone and ask what they need first as you've suggested! Thankfully my therapist has helped give me that safe space to talk to about my feelings and give me tools (like DBT) to help better manage my emotions and be more mindful no matter where I'm at! I've come a long way from suppressing my "bad" emotions to embracing them better! ^_^ Take care and stay well, Kati!
Thank you for taking the time to give an explanation about this topic. I recognize the feeling of not being heard bc of toxic positivety. After I began to work on my problems every positive thought/word triggered me. I thought I wasn't allowed to feel sad or angry.
Now I feel things changing for me. Now I see that my brain always wants to improve, wants to secure me from threats. Bc of these demands I can be hard on myself and this focus is wearing me down. I feel like the positive and negative look on life has helped me in a lot of situations. To see the full picture. For me it's still (and maybe will always be) a balancing act.
Thank you also that you spread this information about mental health. I am clean now for about two weeks and you really helped me to stop self harming!!
Yay!!! Congrats!
Pain CAN be a sign of growth or the need for growth. Ignoring that kind of pain CAN lead to inhibition of growth or positive change. Consider the source of the pain AND if is the kind that can and needs to be a sign of the need for personal improvement and growth. This is an important distinction when considering how to respond to lifes challenges.
Thank you!
As someone with autism I HATE when people try to push the positive on me. I 100% feel like they’re trying to tell me I’m being too sensitive or that I’m overreacting. That might just be because that’s how my family reacted anytime I had a meltdown, but I don’t like people downplaying the emotions I’m feeling or trying to make me not feel them.
FUCK YES!!!!! I also have ASD & my mom keeps saying stuff like “well, ur behavior makes people uncomfortable so u really need to stop acting that way around others.” She won’t listen that I was suuuuper overstimulated & I LITERALLY can’t control the panic attacks once they start. I was working at a place w/ a malfunctioning fire alarm that was causing episodes of dizziness, migraines, and eventually lead to psychotic behavior. my mom me “I know it’s uncomfortable but it’s not ok to act like that. I just have to keep ur head down & work through it”. 😡😡😡😡
TK my moms the exact same way. For a while she would refuse my diagnosis either because she didn’t want to admit her daughter was different or because she didnt want to deal with the guilt of never getting me help, idk which. I’m sorry you have to deal with that and hopefully you can get to a place where you don’t have to hear it. Once I moved out managing my autism and meltdowns was so much easier. People don’t understand it’s not something we can just turn off and on for their benefit and that as much as it’s making them “uncomfortable” it’s making us 10x uncomfortable. Not only are we over stimulated and overwhelmed and hurting but were feeling shame and embarrassment because the people around us don’t care enough to realize this is our normal way of dealing with stressful situations
I never knew what to call this, Toxic Positivity is perfect! It killed me, someone suffering from CPTSD/Depression/Anxiety, to be told by others that I was "lucky" to be where I was and to focus on the positive, when I felt like I was drowning in my pain. I needed to be heard and understood, not ignored/dismissed. Each time someone told me to "be positive" the neglect I suffered in my childhood would come bubbling up, I would feel angry and defensive for feeling what I felt but no one I was reaching out to was hearing me. I finally got a therapist that works for me and I don't feel this nearly as much as I used to.
We sometimes must recognize that shit happens in life and , some experience are painful , traumatic , awful , sad .
Real world unfortunately is not only about being positive or de the bright side all time .
Sometimes there is not bright side ! We must sometimes express “negative” emotions to be balanced.
It’s fine to be sad , mad , scared , upset, sometimes
"Keep smiling" - that's toxic positivity
I know! I used to be in a relationship with someone, who after an argument, would say to me: "smile", but I didn't feel like smiling!
"Don't cry", as well is one that really gets me! Crying is a healthy coping mechanism, we're *meant* to cry when we do! Not fight back the tears!
@@ecovegangeek yes, always. Since we were young, we always heard that. Don't cry. I wonder how that phrase started. It can be well meaning but it's toxic.
@@ecovegangeek just lost a friend over this one. She consistently told me 'don't cry' and I have huge turmoil in life she knows it well. WELL she and I parted ways via an email because she never could be vocal and I am always vocal ie crying because I'm very sick physically and mentally and afraid. How the @#$#@ can she say don't cry to me ... be that tough independent woman you've always been!
Family had enough after parents died, sibs all left me. Black sheep as they say who struggled with mental illness but I did great in life until now and they all ran away. Not used to the 'strong' one being so so sick mental and physical. It hurts so bad makes me cry now more and just want to never leave house again. I have a therapist thankfully who is very good at grief and loss but still it's mean what they did to me and especially during these horrible times stuck home alone.
i used to do this yikes..
You poor dupe!
Great video on this topic. Becoming more aware of my own black and white thinking has helped me combat that mindset very well. When addressing my feelings I try to say, "this is how I'm feeling NOW." Putting emphasis on that has helped me live in the moment. I accept my emotions as they are, but focus on the fact that if they didn't change, they wouldn't exist at all.
I like this one. People think you don’t respect them when really they were just asking for too much in the interaction
Thank you for addressing this! Some people *really* need to watch Inside Out. If kids can learn that all of our emotions serve a purpose, even the ones that don't feel good, then adults can too.
YES!!!!!
TOO TRUE. Toxic positivity by others in the public school system is what made it so hard.
Feel how you need to feel and then validate your feelings. All feelings and needs are OK. I didn't realize that I have the 'all or nothing' thinking as I work to solve my health issues. I can stop the black and white, drastic solution thinking and be ok with making good choices everyday.
I can give myself compassion. Very good Kati. I learned something.
oh my god, THANK YOU FOR TALKING ABOUT THIS! as a C1-C5 quadriplegic, i get this ALOT and all it does is annoy the living crap out of me! it is so disheartening to talk about ANY aspect of my true thoughts or feelings without wearing the 'happy mask' and it really feels like they just dont care about it.. that they dont really care about me, which only exacerbates my mental health problems..
love you Kati!
I love this video! People want to always make you feel better, but at the same time it is invalidating your negative feelings for the time being. Thank you for making this video, really Insightful
I've lost people I thought were friends beause of their toxic positivity. When I was in a very dark place, I'd hear that I wasn't depressed enough, that their depression had been so much worse (to clarify, they were not depressed at the time) and that I shouldn't complain. That I should just "move on" and "think positively". All I needed was to be heard and supported, but instead got the opposite. Luckily, I had other friends in my life who weren't trying to force happiness onto me, but instead listened. They encouraged me to do the things I liked even if I didn't feel like it beforehand. But most importantly, they never invalidated my feelings and I felt secure sharing my thoughts with them.