So happy to see a video from you. I hope you all had a great Christmas. I remember that I first found your videos on a Christmas night. I could relate a lot with your videos. I've been debating if I'll ever be "cured" whatever that means. I don't think it has anything to do with a number on a scale. I have many friends that by the number are weight restored yet the feelings are still there. I guess I just see life as a journey and sometimes we struggle learn and move on. I guess I've sort of settled where I am in life. It is o.k. but ed is there. I think it is so hard to imagine life without it because I've had ed longer then I ever lived without it. Sigh. I still have hope that things can get better. I just don't have a roadmap of how to make that come true. I'm super excited that you guys are trying for a baby. Wishing you all sorts of luck and prayers. Keep us updated!! Love ya!!
It's awesome to see a video from you! :) Happy holidays. I would love to see a follow up video. I definitely believe in full recovery, but I've never fully completely mentally and physically recovered 100% myself. I'm working towards what I believe is a state of remission and I'm doing very well, but it's hard sometimes.
I have been watching you for years!!! I remember bring so lost in my ed, shutting everybody out, thinking nobody would ever love me. and you were my only friend I had then. now I'm engaged and I eat anything I want and exercise regularly and am so happy. i havnt purged in about 5 months. Prozac had helped tremendously, and I remember I only had the courage to take it once you made a video about it. you are an absolute angel!! 😇
It's great to see you're doing well! Congrats on trying for a baby!! Even if your videos are sporadic, please keep uploading. From someone who's still struggling, it's so good to see how your recovery is going.
thanks for uploading again! i've been watching your videos for quite a long time & it's good to hear that you are doing well!! in regards to your question about recovery, i've been struggling with my eating disorder off & on for 7 years and at this point, i don't think full recovery is possible for me. i'm better now than i have been in a long time. in the depths of my disorder i was completely not functional, but in the last 2 years, i've been able to regain my overall functioning as a human being and for me, i feel like this is as good as it gets. i still have lingering symptoms but nothing that significantly impairs my daily living & functioning. i've been able to go back to school and be very successful but some of my symptoms remain to help me cope with my ever-present anxiety and depression. but i guess i've just grown comfortable where i'm at. this is recovery for me and at the moment, it's what's working.
So nice to see you again :) and glad you seem to be doing well!! I've been wondering about full recovery a lot recently! I've taken a big positive turn recovery wise but I often think it's more like learning to live with the disorder rather than having it eradicated completely. But I think I always keep hope that full full recovery is possible, if we don't atleast have hope then what do we have?! Let's hope in a few years we can look back and answer this question for ourselves, with hopefully a positive answer. Hope your Christmas went well, sending my love xx
Yay! I'm so glad you uploaded a video! You were one of the first vloggers I watched that really encouraged my recovery! I'm in a similar boat. I've been in "full recovery" for about a year, and I'm doing better than ever before; however, I still purge/restrict a couple times a month. I have an Instagram account (@abundantrecovery) which is based on the verse John 10:10. My mantra in life is "don't settle for less than a John 10:10 life". I believe that God promises us an abundant life on earth, which would mean a full recovery. So, I believe that full healing is possible; however it's a journey. I believe that every day, week, and year I am moving closer to achieving an abundant life. I believe that full recovery and healing is possible, because we serve a God who created us to be healed! Merry Christmas!
Glad to hear from you! :) I really enjoy watching your videos. I'm proud of the progress you've made; congratulations! In regards to full recovery, here are some questions to consider. Would you consider a drug addict fully recovered if he or she still uses drugs a few times a month? Do you think someone can quit smoking but still smoke cigarettes a few times a month? Your immense progress is wonderful and I fully commend you for all of your effort! I personally would still suggest continuing the work to further reduce/completely eliminate those remaining behaviors.
You've been very blessed....blessed with a family that loves you that has encouraged you to get counseling and who seems to have been there for you. That's really a true blessing. I tend to think...for me, anyway.... "recovery" simply is a journey. There are areas where you "fall off the wagon" and areas where you have smooth sailing and are able to stay the course and it's even relatively simple to stay that way. I think as time grows on and you are happy with your life (and hopefully with your marriage, child, and move on to other things that truly grow in importance in your world), I would expect it SHOULD get a bit easier. But I do think things like this (ED) will always be there to haunt us...the devil we turn to when things get tough. I think you should just know and be mindful it is there, and could be a danger...but certainly live your life and be happy!
I've struggled with bulimia and depression for almost 12 years now and it's gotten much better for me over time. It's not nearly as bad as it was in the beginning. I'm not exactly sure how "full recovery" is defined either but I guess I would think it is when there are no symptoms. I'm in that weird place too. I don't think I can completely let go of it because I still want it to be there as an option for me. Then I try to rationalize my irrational thoughts. I just can't seem to replace this with a better and healthier way of coping with my feelings.
Hey! So glad to see your smiling face again. Congrats on trying for a baby. My husband and I are going for #3 now :) The trying can be so stressful when you are charting temps and trying to track ovulation. In the past, we always seem to get pregnant the moment I stop trying and just relax--and lots of wine ;). Good luck! Parenthood changed my life eating disorder wise.
The only way I overcame anorexia was a perspective shift. I realized I couldn't do what I wanted with my life but continue to be disordered. And that made me reject the anorexia. Like, if it stops me from doing what I want, I'm morally against it. This may not work for others. I'm trying to have a baby with my husband, too, and girl! Periods are stressful! I didn't get my period for 11 months after going off birth control and my cycle is never under 38 days (usually 60).
Congrats on trying to conceive!!! Me and my boyfriend are also trying for a baby and I'm having a hard time managing ED stuff. I convince myself I'm pregnant so I "let" myself eat more than usual, then when my period comes I feel horrifically guilty and want to exercise a bunch, though I really shouldn't if I want to stay healthy enough to conceive. In the long run I think a baby would help me sort out my priorities, but this whole process is the biggest mind-fuck. It'll definitely be worth it in the end. Got my fingers crossed for you ^__^
I wasn't able to truly recover until after I gave birth. I couldn't live with the shame of being the way I was and having a daughter who I am supposed to be a role model for. I haven't purged in nearly a year now and that's by far the longest I've gone without doing it since I started purging maybe 6-7 years ago.
Hey lil love. I know you've gotten a lot of feedback already, but I couldn't help but wanna chime in. I, too, am a realist. I'm aware that I will always have a complicated relationship with food. I even roll my eyes when I hear people say they "recovered from their ED", and can even get really judgey in my head about it. ...thinking terrible things in my head like "Well, if you're able to just "be fine" right now, then you clearly weren't struggling with what I was struggling with. .....one does not just 'leave that behind and move on'." And, that's not fair, because I don't know that. But it does feel like that at times. Like the only ones who were able to become "fully recovered" after treatment, were really only "just visiting" ED world in the first place. (Or so my head wants to tell me.) I'm aware these are likely distorted thoughts, but it certainly feels true much too often to me. I don't know too many people who can be completely okay with pushing our bodies to _actual_ death's door and, even while laying in hospital beds hearing people say things like, "one more purge and you will die"..... and STILL be sitting there thinking about how you can get rid of the food you never got to get rid of before this stupid ER visit. And it's those of us who went that far for whom I often feel "living normally and free of an ED" is just not realistic. Maybe some figure it out, but there is definitely a subgroup of us for whom I feel it'll always nag. However, I do define recovery, or 'full recovery', a bit different. I do feel like purging is a very disordered behavior bc it in no way falls in the flux of "what normal people do". Restriction is more of a grey area. Tons of people eat just one large meal a day and have absolutely zero ED issues whatsoever. They're just weird and it's how they go about their life every day. People also make weird diet choices despite being perfectly healthy mentally. I feel like "restricting" is too hard to gauge if one is in recovery or not. ....and that by counting exchanges or macros or calories or set points to determine IF one is restricting, IS actually an ED behavior. "Normal people" don't count their exchanges, calories or macros. They aren't setting up their days to a certain number or meal plan to see if they hit it....and if they didn't, they were "restricting". That's just as disordered. (Some athletes and whatnot might do that, but I wouldn't call that 'normal people'. They're a special category and one that I don't belong to, so I can't compare.) So, for me a fuller recovery would likely still have a lot of the bad thoughts surrounding my body or my food, but I AM nourishing properly regardless. Purging and overexercise I feel are easier to mark as a 'clearly disordered behavior' and wouldn't be included in my picture of recovery. I feel like if i were still engaging in those things I wouldn't be able to confidently call myself "in recovery" - even if it was a big improvement from my worst days. But the restriction, or the good food vs. bad food, no-[blank] diets are more grey. Restriction is impossible to gauge, good food vs bad food is questionable, no-[blank] diets are more of a problem. And my 'full recovery' might have what some would call restriction and a very limited variety of food, but none of the other stuff would be there I'm currently 'in recovery' and spend little to no time talking about my ED anymore in therapy. It does very much feel like "a thing of the past". I eat riskier things, but no, I don't indulge often. I get what I need, but very rarely to I go for way more. And I definitely still get a little restless when I've had too much for too many days in a row. BUT, I don't "plan to restrict" to make up for it anymore. And the fact I indulge at all and don't count things out at all anymore is a massive improvement and the healthiest I've ever been there. Someone else might look at my meal plans and call it restricting, but it's an unfair measurement now bc I'm in a wheelchair. I NEVER get to move and sit all day long. My body needs about half what other people do who are on their feet at work all day. My "restriction" is often more about "modifying for my disability". I feel that's fair. BUT, I can acknowledge that my thoughts can still be unhealthy. My worry and panic and occasional body checking is likely still abnormal. ...thought non-ED peoples do this sometimes too. It's minimal at best and, most importantly, I'm not controlling my food so strictly to try and manipulate what my body LOOKS LIKE. It's modified bc my needs have modified. I am aware that this fuller recovery for me might be the best that it ever gets. And I'm not too bothered by it bc I know that it's not negatively affecting my life ANYWHERE anymore. That's where I make my distinctions. I'm not stressed about going out to eat once in awhile, the holidays don't stress me out, i don't need to micromanage my meals, if a friend bakes me something I'll try it, I am able to wear things like shorts and swimsuits despite being dissatisfied with my body. To me, that's a fuller recovery. It could always be better, but I'm also still working on alllllllll the trauma my eating and image issues are wound around. But, to that I say, I'm working on my trauma not my eating disorder. I don't have an eating disorder, I have a trauma disorder that still influences my eating when I'm in a bad place. I think labels of "fully recovered" and "in recovery" can be incredibly limiting and stigmatizing. Rarely are we ever one thing all the time. But I tend to label how well I'm doing based on the behaviors I may still be engaging on from time to time -- are they something my non-disordered friends might ever do? And then, when it comes to both the thoughts AND the food - is it negatively impacting my life, relationships or experiences? If not, then even if I can 'do things better', I'm still in a damn good place and not gonna mess with it. If i can't say that, then I need to look and see what's going on. I know this was hella long, but I love you to death and miss you like crazy. I'm rooting for a little Keogh baby soon :') I really think you're going to be an amazing mom. And I really think that once you feel their presence a lottttttt of things are going to change in your mind and heart. It's impossible to explain, but I really think it'll help take you to that next level in your healing and treating your body right. Please know that I love you dearly and am thinking of you often. And always know that you can always text or call me. I got loads of experience on the ED quasi-recovery stages, as well as ED's-plus-baby equation, annnnd the entire POTSie/dysautonomia realm. I'm always here for you lil love. Merriest of Christmases to you!
Can't remember if I've ever responded but I've been watching your videos for literally YEARS now so it feels like I know you even though you may be like 'who is this weirdo suddenly writing a small novel to me?' This is clearly not full recovery. And honestly, I think you knew that. The harder question becomes "Is full recovery possible for ME?" because that leads to the real question I think you're wondering which is less "Is this full recovery for me?" and more "Is this the closest I can hope for for me?" Some people don't believe full recovery is a possibility at all. I 100% believe it is possible. I don't think I believe it is possible for everyone. I don't believe it's possible for me. I am open to change on this belief though so the best I can hope for now is that one day I will change my mind and believe it *is* possible for everyone, including me. and I don't know you that well, but having seen the change in actions as well as mindset and all the work you've put into it....? My gut reaction is that is *is* possible for you. But I know it's taken you a lot of work to get where you are. It's going to take a lot more to get to a full recovery spot. I loved the stoplight thing too because you reminded me of a similar thing we did in treatment with the colors. It just made me smile because I remember we'd get REALLY into the color aspect so when you described the green/recovery for you I instantly wanted to comment something like "Your green is a pale chartreuse at best!!!" :D But seriously, saying things now like "I only purge a couple times a month" just feels like it could be a bit of a slippery slope of justification until you don't realize how far you've taken it. I had a friend who adamantly swore her ED was 'not really that bad' and she needed no treatment or help in stopping citing things like "I mean, I've ONLY had one heart attack!" She was completely serious saying that and I just feel like it started out as "I only purge/restrict/etc x times per month!" Until it turned into that. So justifications don't work in my book. I understand wondering if it's all possible, but I hope you can see that this is NOT full recovery. Full recovery is still out there and I hope you get there some day.
i feel like you are stuck in what comfortable... they always talked about in therapy about the dangers of "comfortable". I think you have to learn to not do what feels "normal" do what feels "recovery based" and eventually that will become your new normal and you will be in the green :).
Hello, I normally don't comment on TH-cam videos but i felt like i should today because i wanted to tell you that i believe full recovery IS possible. Forgive me for the long comment, i hope this makes sense and it helps someone. I had some pretty intense times in my eating disorder and i once believed that recovery wasnt possible for me either. I'm honestly not sure that there really is a definition of 100% recovered though because again, we have to eat everyday for the rest of our lives and once you have an eating disorder and know how to do certain behaviors its like riding a bike and you just dont forget. For me, though, i had to be very conscious about my daily routines and my eating habits. Right now, i'm working on self care so i literally have a checklist of things i have to do everyday in order to achieve my goal. So maybe you sit down with your husband or your counselor and come up with a list of bigger goals and then narrrow down smaller daily and weekly goals to measure progress. for example: My goal is to have better self care. Some of my goals are to: 1. Quit self injuring 2. Stop isolating and ask for help when i need it 3. Manage my money better 4. Be completely focused at work Then some of my questions are: 1. Did i have the urge to self injure today? 2. Did i manage my money well today? 3. If i worked today, was i focused? If i didnt work today, was i productive in another way? 4. Did i talk to anyone in my support network today? At the end of the day, i ask myself these questions. I also found a way to put myself on a kind of point system so i can say "heres where i am" "heres where i need to be" and "tomorrow, i need to work on these small things in order to get to my overall goal" Then I average my "scores" for the week and compare that to the goal i originally set. For me this works because like a number on a scale when i was in my eating disorder, it helps me guage where im at, just in a different way. I'm not perfect but i do consider myself fully recovered because although i havent been perfect, i've only purged or restricted 3 or 4 times in the last 2 years and i was able to realize what i was doing, why it was bad, and stop pretty quickly. Ive watched your videos for a very long time and i remember thinking that you had a long way to go in recovery, as did i. However, i also have watched your videos long enough to see that you have come SO far. So your not perfect at it - so what?! Dont quit trying and you will get there. I believe in you :)
Hello there, I want to learn more about ED's from a recovered point if view.. I studied psychology.My mother worked in a psychiatric clinic which also treated ED's over 25 years. Therefore I grew up with the stories incl. the worse kind of phonecalls in the middle of the night. Ive been watching "What Mia did next" recovered bulimic I think you might want to check her out. She recently made a video about this topic, full recovery, as well. She is a lovely inspiring, intelligent, articulate and strong (Australian) woman. Now advocate for ED's. She recently started a forum. See her youtube channel or website "What Mia did next" for more info about the new forum. Im going to watch your other videos to learn more from your experiences. Btw English is not my first language, so I apologize for any mistakes. Please feel free to correct me ok. Never to old to learn more;) Wishing you the best, Stay strong always. xx
So you feel like you can't get any more recovered than you are now - but at your worst didn't you also think it couldn't get better than that? What stops you from purging the rest of the time, what got you from purging 15 times a day to twice a month? Can you do more of that?
I would highly recommend Overeaters Anonymous. It's taken me 8 years of being in and out of the program, but there is such recovery there! It is possible!
You have to want full recovery and it sounds like you're still in the pre-contemplation stage of your eating disorder where you're not entirely sure wether you do or not?
I know exactly how you feel! Ive had anorexia for 13 years...Im 25 and was diagnosed at 12. For many, many years I have always said I would never recover, and I've believed it (thus, its always been true). Now I'm settling for something different (real, full recovery - terrifying, but possible) because Ive come to the realisation that if I dont, my life with always be a little empty, and one day I'll realise that I'll have a lot less than I do right now because of my eating disorder (and Ive already lost so so much). Im always here for you! x
hiya. This may sound peculiar (or you may have heard it before) but the ironic thing about recovery is that the reason you know when you're in recovery is that you don't feel as fat anymore. Now I know your brain in response to that will probably say "just because you don't feel it, doesnt mean you're not fat. It just means that this idea of 'recovery' has brainwashed you into forgetting that you are fat", or something like that. Therefore, I'll go further to say, this is when you get to a healthy weight, not an overweight weight. You can get to a healthy weight and not feel as fat as you did at a low weight. -which feels crazy cuz you'd think that if you felt like an elephant at x lbs you'd feel like 30 elephants at x+x lbs but its not true. I've been x lbs and Ive been weight restored to 'maintenance' 4 times now. Im currently at maintenance, and though I do still feel fat sometimes, other times I dont. my bmi also says that im not fat and sometimes I believe it. Other times I dont, but when I was a low weight I never believed it, I always believed I was fat. When I always believed I was fat, I also ONLY believed that I was fat. That was ALL I was. Now sometimes I'm fat and sometimes I'm not, but I'm also sometimes a colleague, and a sister, and an employee, and a book lover, and a movie fan etc. The less time I spend being 'fat', the more time I seem to spend being something else. I don't understand it either. Sometimes in my 'fat' moments I think "but I can't stop being 'fat' and do something else right now, I need to fix being fat first! This is important!". But then I have a work email to send and for that moment I'm not fat, Im an employee; then I friend says hi, and for the next moment Im a friend. I don't need to fix being fat before I can do anything else. I fix being fat BY doing something else because you cant be both at the same time. I'm not all the way there either but if I think about this rationally I know its true (and I'll keep trying to believe it too). Maybe you can try it too. All the best.
Yes to all this. I remember being a certain weight and (fleetingly) catching a glimpse of myself and seeing how awfully thin I was. I lost a few more kilos after that, but strangely enough I thought I was too big. I know there is no logic to this. I think for many people the first step is not wanting to recover, but wanting to want to recover.
6lenin66 this is called BDD (body dysmorphic disorder) and almost everyone with an ED struggle with this. When I was at my lowest (116 pounds) I thought I looks fatter than I do at this moment (155 pounds!). I still struggle with the idea of looking gross and fat everyday, but oddly not as much when I weighed less! That is BDD for you!
Talking ONLY for me, because you didn't upload a new video since ages and didn't let us take part in your life, now I'm not interested anymore in your business. Don't know why youtube still shows your upload to me. I just don't have any connection to you anymore. Now there are other youtubers. youtube is not the real world, here it's only cyber connection. People come and people go, they are also exchangeable. Bye.
You are welcome to speak only for yourself, yet what you are saying is not pleasant to share or hear; it was rude really. The uploader was not reaching out to you rather to someone who really cared and looked forward to an update. Some things are best said; some things are best done through unsubscribing.
"Don't know why youtube still shows your upload to me." Because YOU chose to subscribe to her. ...when you _did_ care. ...and didn't UNsubscribe to her when you decided you no longer did. That's on you, not TH-cam and not Dani. And I question you ever actually cared, because what value does leaving this comment offer literally anyone? And on Christmas Eve? You sound like she OWED you an inside look into her life; a personal relationship. And that because she didn't give it to you, she's really just 'telling her business' now to people who don't wanna hear about it. Pick a damn side. Dani's never been "a TH-camr", so she's not being replaced with some shiny new ED starlet. She was just a girl chronicaling her ED journey before "youtuber" was a profession or something to aspire to be. This bitterness is really disgusting and I'm glad you're leaving if this is the way you'd treat, well, literally anyone. "People come and people go, they are also exchangeable." Just as you are. You won't be missed.
***** Then it is 110% on you for choosing to click and voluntarily electing to listen to "someone you don't care about". As if she has any control of what YT shows you, that's also on you based on your own watch history. If you only clicked to leave a jerk comment, you seriously need to work on yourself. Who even does that?
![[LIVE] MCHOICE & MINT AWARDS 2024 at TRUE ICON HALL, ICONSIAM](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/wMewUeT5nbY/mqdefault.jpg)
Love seeing you back on my screen, sending love Christmas is always challenging but also so wonderful xxx
Maddy H thanks love- merry Christmas!
It's really nice to see you again!
Lauren Germanotta :) thank you!!
So happy to see a video from you. I hope you all had a great Christmas. I remember that I first found your videos on a Christmas night. I could relate a lot with your videos. I've been debating if I'll ever be "cured" whatever that means. I don't think it has anything to do with a number on a scale. I have many friends that by the number are weight restored yet the feelings are still there. I guess I just see life as a journey and sometimes we struggle learn and move on. I guess I've sort of settled where I am in life. It is o.k. but ed is there. I think it is so hard to imagine life without it because I've had ed longer then I ever lived without it. Sigh. I still have hope that things can get better. I just don't have a roadmap of how to make that come true. I'm super excited that you guys are trying for a baby. Wishing you all sorts of luck and prayers. Keep us updated!! Love ya!!
It's awesome to see a video from you! :) Happy holidays. I would love to see a follow up video. I definitely believe in full recovery, but I've never fully completely mentally and physically recovered 100% myself. I'm working towards what I believe is a state of remission and I'm doing very well, but it's hard sometimes.
Sparklle Rainne I want to believe in full recovery...I hope we both get there!
This year was my first sober, non ED or alcohol Christmas in years!!! Keep up the fight! It's worth it!
I have been watching you for years!!! I remember bring so lost in my ed, shutting everybody out, thinking nobody would ever love me. and you were my only friend I had then. now I'm engaged and I eat anything I want and exercise regularly and am so happy. i havnt purged in about 5 months. Prozac had helped tremendously, and I remember I only had the courage to take it once you made a video about it. you are an absolute angel!! 😇
britt0794 that makes me so happy to hear. Prozac has helped me immensely too. Congrats for your engagement!
Oh and I think it's awesome that you're trying to conceive and start a family! I wish you and your husband the best 💕
thank you for making these videos they are amazing!!!
It's great to see you're doing well! Congrats on trying for a baby!! Even if your videos are sporadic, please keep uploading. From someone who's still struggling, it's so good to see how your recovery is going.
thanks for uploading again! i've been watching your videos for quite a long time & it's good to hear that you are doing well!!
in regards to your question about recovery, i've been struggling with my eating disorder off & on for 7 years and at this point, i don't think full recovery is possible for me. i'm better now than i have been in a long time. in the depths of my disorder i was completely not functional, but in the last 2 years, i've been able to regain my overall functioning as a human being and for me, i feel like this is as good as it gets. i still have lingering symptoms but nothing that significantly impairs my daily living & functioning. i've been able to go back to school and be very successful but some of my symptoms remain to help me cope with my ever-present anxiety and depression. but i guess i've just grown comfortable where i'm at. this is recovery for me and at the moment, it's what's working.
Paige I've grown comfortable where I'm at too. I'm not sure it's a good thing though. Thank you for your feedback!
So nice to see you again :) and glad you seem to be doing well!! I've been wondering about full recovery a lot recently! I've taken a big positive turn recovery wise but I often think it's more like learning to live with the disorder rather than having it eradicated completely. But I think I always keep hope that full full recovery is possible, if we don't atleast have hope then what do we have?! Let's hope in a few years we can look back and answer this question for ourselves, with hopefully a positive answer. Hope your Christmas went well, sending my love xx
Yay! I'm so glad you uploaded a video! You were one of the first vloggers I watched that really encouraged my recovery! I'm in a similar boat. I've been in "full recovery" for about a year, and I'm doing better than ever before; however, I still purge/restrict a couple times a month. I have an Instagram account (@abundantrecovery) which is based on the verse John 10:10. My mantra in life is "don't settle for less than a John 10:10 life". I believe that God promises us an abundant life on earth, which would mean a full recovery. So, I believe that full healing is possible; however it's a journey. I believe that every day, week, and year I am moving closer to achieving an abundant life. I believe that full recovery and healing is possible, because we serve a God who created us to be healed! Merry Christmas!
Glad to hear from you! :) I really enjoy watching your videos. I'm proud of the progress you've made; congratulations!
In regards to full recovery, here are some questions to consider. Would you consider a drug addict fully recovered if he or she still uses drugs a few times a month? Do you think someone can quit smoking but still smoke cigarettes a few times a month? Your immense progress is wonderful and I fully commend you for all of your effort! I personally would still suggest continuing the work to further reduce/completely eliminate those remaining behaviors.
You've been very blessed....blessed with a family that loves you that has encouraged you to get counseling and who seems to have been there for you. That's really a true blessing. I tend to think...for me, anyway.... "recovery" simply is a journey. There are areas where you "fall off the wagon" and areas where you have smooth sailing and are able to stay the course and it's even relatively simple to stay that way. I think as time grows on and you are happy with your life (and hopefully with your marriage, child, and move on to other things that truly grow in importance in your world), I would expect it SHOULD get a bit easier. But I do think things like this (ED) will always be there to haunt us...the devil we turn to when things get tough. I think you should just know and be mindful it is there, and could be a danger...but certainly live your life and be happy!
I've struggled with bulimia and depression for almost 12 years now and it's gotten much better for me over time. It's not nearly as bad as it was in the beginning. I'm not exactly sure how "full recovery" is defined either but I guess I would think it is when there are no symptoms. I'm in that weird place too. I don't think I can completely let go of it because I still want it to be there as an option for me. Then I try to rationalize my irrational thoughts. I just can't seem to replace this with a better and healthier way of coping with my feelings.
Hey! So glad to see your smiling face again. Congrats on trying for a baby. My husband and I are going for #3 now :) The trying can be so stressful when you are charting temps and trying to track ovulation. In the past, we always seem to get pregnant the moment I stop trying and just relax--and lots of wine ;). Good luck! Parenthood changed my life eating disorder wise.
The only way I overcame anorexia was a perspective shift. I realized I couldn't do what I wanted with my life but continue to be disordered. And that made me reject the anorexia. Like, if it stops me from doing what I want, I'm morally against it. This may not work for others.
I'm trying to have a baby with my husband, too, and girl! Periods are stressful! I didn't get my period for 11 months after going off birth control and my cycle is never under 38 days (usually 60).
Congrats on trying to conceive!!! Me and my boyfriend are also trying for a baby and I'm having a hard time managing ED stuff. I convince myself I'm pregnant so I "let" myself eat more than usual, then when my period comes I feel horrifically guilty and want to exercise a bunch, though I really shouldn't if I want to stay healthy enough to conceive. In the long run I think a baby would help me sort out my priorities, but this whole process is the biggest mind-fuck. It'll definitely be worth it in the end. Got my fingers crossed for you ^__^
I wasn't able to truly recover until after I gave birth. I couldn't live with the shame of being the way I was and having a daughter who I am supposed to be a role model for. I haven't purged in nearly a year now and that's by far the longest I've gone without doing it since I started purging maybe 6-7 years ago.
Hey lil love. I know you've gotten a lot of feedback already, but I couldn't help but wanna chime in. I, too, am a realist. I'm aware that I will always have a complicated relationship with food. I even roll my eyes when I hear people say they "recovered from their ED", and can even get really judgey in my head about it. ...thinking terrible things in my head like "Well, if you're able to just "be fine" right now, then you clearly weren't struggling with what I was struggling with. .....one does not just 'leave that behind and move on'." And, that's not fair, because I don't know that. But it does feel like that at times. Like the only ones who were able to become "fully recovered" after treatment, were really only "just visiting" ED world in the first place. (Or so my head wants to tell me.)
I'm aware these are likely distorted thoughts, but it certainly feels true much too often to me. I don't know too many people who can be completely okay with pushing our bodies to _actual_ death's door and, even while laying in hospital beds hearing people say things like, "one more purge and you will die"..... and STILL be sitting there thinking about how you can get rid of the food you never got to get rid of before this stupid ER visit. And it's those of us who went that far for whom I often feel "living normally and free of an ED" is just not realistic. Maybe some figure it out, but there is definitely a subgroup of us for whom I feel it'll always nag. However, I do define recovery, or 'full recovery', a bit different. I do feel like purging is a very disordered behavior bc it in no way falls in the flux of "what normal people do". Restriction is more of a grey area. Tons of people eat just one large meal a day and have absolutely zero ED issues whatsoever. They're just weird and it's how they go about their life every day. People also make weird diet choices despite being perfectly healthy mentally. I feel like "restricting" is too hard to gauge if one is in recovery or not. ....and that by counting exchanges or macros or calories or set points to determine IF one is restricting, IS actually an ED behavior. "Normal people" don't count their exchanges, calories or macros. They aren't setting up their days to a certain number or meal plan to see if they hit it....and if they didn't, they were "restricting". That's just as disordered. (Some athletes and whatnot might do that, but I wouldn't call that 'normal people'. They're a special category and one that I don't belong to, so I can't compare.) So, for me a fuller recovery would likely still have a lot of the bad thoughts surrounding my body or my food, but I AM nourishing properly regardless. Purging and overexercise I feel are easier to mark as a 'clearly disordered behavior' and wouldn't be included in my picture of recovery. I feel like if i were still engaging in those things I wouldn't be able to confidently call myself "in recovery" - even if it was a big improvement from my worst days. But the restriction, or the good food vs. bad food, no-[blank] diets are more grey. Restriction is impossible to gauge, good food vs bad food is questionable, no-[blank] diets are more of a problem. And my 'full recovery' might have what some would call restriction and a very limited variety of food, but none of the other stuff would be there
I'm currently 'in recovery' and spend little to no time talking about my ED anymore in therapy. It does very much feel like "a thing of the past". I eat riskier things, but no, I don't indulge often. I get what I need, but very rarely to I go for way more. And I definitely still get a little restless when I've had too much for too many days in a row. BUT, I don't "plan to restrict" to make up for it anymore. And the fact I indulge at all and don't count things out at all anymore is a massive improvement and the healthiest I've ever been there. Someone else might look at my meal plans and call it restricting, but it's an unfair measurement now bc I'm in a wheelchair. I NEVER get to move and sit all day long. My body needs about half what other people do who are on their feet at work all day. My "restriction" is often more about "modifying for my disability". I feel that's fair. BUT, I can acknowledge that my thoughts can still be unhealthy. My worry and panic and occasional body checking is likely still abnormal. ...thought non-ED peoples do this sometimes too. It's minimal at best and, most importantly, I'm not controlling my food so strictly to try and manipulate what my body LOOKS LIKE. It's modified bc my needs have modified. I am aware that this fuller recovery for me might be the best that it ever gets. And I'm not too bothered by it bc I know that it's not negatively affecting my life ANYWHERE anymore. That's where I make my distinctions. I'm not stressed about going out to eat once in awhile, the holidays don't stress me out, i don't need to micromanage my meals, if a friend bakes me something I'll try it, I am able to wear things like shorts and swimsuits despite being dissatisfied with my body. To me, that's a fuller recovery. It could always be better, but I'm also still working on alllllllll the trauma my eating and image issues are wound around. But, to that I say, I'm working on my trauma not my eating disorder. I don't have an eating disorder, I have a trauma disorder that still influences my eating when I'm in a bad place.
I think labels of "fully recovered" and "in recovery" can be incredibly limiting and stigmatizing. Rarely are we ever one thing all the time. But I tend to label how well I'm doing based on the behaviors I may still be engaging on from time to time -- are they something my non-disordered friends might ever do? And then, when it comes to both the thoughts AND the food - is it negatively impacting my life, relationships or experiences? If not, then even if I can 'do things better', I'm still in a damn good place and not gonna mess with it. If i can't say that, then I need to look and see what's going on.
I know this was hella long, but I love you to death and miss you like crazy. I'm rooting for a little Keogh baby soon :') I really think you're going to be an amazing mom. And I really think that once you feel their presence a lottttttt of things are going to change in your mind and heart. It's impossible to explain, but I really think it'll help take you to that next level in your healing and treating your body right. Please know that I love you dearly and am thinking of you often. And always know that you can always text or call me. I got loads of experience on the ED quasi-recovery stages, as well as ED's-plus-baby equation, annnnd the entire POTSie/dysautonomia realm. I'm always here for you lil love. Merriest of Christmases to you!
Would love to hear your experience once you get pregnant, and take us through your pregnant journey!
Jimena Guerra hopefully soon!! Thank you
Can't remember if I've ever responded but I've been watching your videos for literally YEARS now so it feels like I know you even though you may be like 'who is this weirdo suddenly writing a small novel to me?' This is clearly not full recovery. And honestly, I think you knew that. The harder question becomes "Is full recovery possible for ME?" because that leads to the real question I think you're wondering which is less "Is this full recovery for me?" and more "Is this the closest I can hope for for me?"
Some people don't believe full recovery is a possibility at all. I 100% believe it is possible. I don't think I believe it is possible for everyone. I don't believe it's possible for me. I am open to change on this belief though so the best I can hope for now is that one day I will change my mind and believe it *is* possible for everyone, including me. and I don't know you that well, but having seen the change in actions as well as mindset and all the work you've put into it....? My gut reaction is that is *is* possible for you. But I know it's taken you a lot of work to get where you are. It's going to take a lot more to get to a full recovery spot.
I loved the stoplight thing too because you reminded me of a similar thing we did in treatment with the colors. It just made me smile because I remember we'd get REALLY into the color aspect so when you described the green/recovery for you I instantly wanted to comment something like "Your green is a pale chartreuse at best!!!" :D But seriously, saying things now like "I only purge a couple times a month" just feels like it could be a bit of a slippery slope of justification until you don't realize how far you've taken it. I had a friend who adamantly swore her ED was 'not really that bad' and she needed no treatment or help in stopping citing things like "I mean, I've ONLY had one heart attack!" She was completely serious saying that and I just feel like it started out as "I only purge/restrict/etc x times per month!" Until it turned into that. So justifications don't work in my book. I understand wondering if it's all possible, but I hope you can see that this is NOT full recovery. Full recovery is still out there and I hope you get there some day.
i feel like you are stuck in what comfortable... they always talked about in therapy about the dangers of "comfortable". I think you have to learn to not do what feels "normal" do what feels "recovery based" and eventually that will become your new normal and you will be in the green :).
Hello, I normally don't comment on TH-cam videos but i felt like i should today because i wanted to tell you that i believe full recovery IS possible. Forgive me for the long comment, i hope this makes sense and it helps someone. I had some pretty intense times in my eating disorder and i once believed that recovery wasnt possible for me either. I'm honestly not sure that there really is a definition of 100% recovered though because again, we have to eat everyday for the rest of our lives and once you have an eating disorder and know how to do certain behaviors its like riding a bike and you just dont forget.
For me, though, i had to be very conscious about my daily routines and my eating habits. Right now, i'm working on self care so i literally have a checklist of things i have to do everyday in order to achieve my goal. So maybe you sit down with your husband or your counselor and come up with a list of bigger goals and then narrrow down smaller daily and weekly goals to measure progress. for example:
My goal is to have better self care.
Some of my goals are to:
1. Quit self injuring
2. Stop isolating and ask for help when i need it
3. Manage my money better
4. Be completely focused at work
Then some of my questions are:
1. Did i have the urge to self injure today?
2. Did i manage my money well today?
3. If i worked today, was i focused? If i didnt work today, was i productive in another way?
4. Did i talk to anyone in my support network today?
At the end of the day, i ask myself these questions. I also found a way to put myself on a kind of point system so i can say "heres where i am" "heres where i need to be" and "tomorrow, i need to work on these small things in order to get to my overall goal"
Then I average my "scores" for the week and compare that to the goal i originally set. For me this works because like a number on a scale when i was in my eating disorder, it helps me guage where im at, just in a different way. I'm not perfect but i do consider myself fully recovered because although i havent been perfect, i've only purged or restricted 3 or 4 times in the last 2 years and i was able to realize what i was doing, why it was bad, and stop pretty quickly.
Ive watched your videos for a very long time and i remember thinking that you had a long way to go in recovery, as did i. However, i also have watched your videos long enough to see that you have come SO far. So your not perfect at it - so what?! Dont quit trying and you will get there. I believe in you :)
Hello there,
I want to learn more about ED's from a recovered point if view.. I studied psychology.My mother worked in a psychiatric clinic which also treated ED's over 25 years. Therefore I grew up with the stories incl. the worse kind of phonecalls in the middle of the night.
Ive been watching "What Mia did next" recovered bulimic
I think you might want to check her out. She recently made a video about this topic, full recovery, as well.
She is a lovely inspiring, intelligent, articulate and strong (Australian) woman.
Now advocate for ED's.
She recently started a forum. See her youtube channel or website
"What Mia did next" for more info about the new forum.
Im going to watch your other videos to learn more from your experiences.
Btw English is not my first language, so I apologize for any mistakes. Please feel free to correct me ok. Never to old to learn more;)
Wishing you the best, Stay strong always. xx
So you feel like you can't get any more recovered than you are now - but at your worst didn't you also think it couldn't get better than that? What stops you from purging the rest of the time, what got you from purging 15 times a day to twice a month? Can you do more of that?
I would highly recommend Overeaters Anonymous. It's taken me 8 years of being in and out of the program, but there is such recovery there! It is possible!
You have to want full recovery and it sounds like you're still in the pre-contemplation stage of your eating disorder where you're not entirely sure wether you do or not?
Lucie McAdams that's true. Maybe I just don't want to completely let go of it...thank you for your feedback.
I know exactly how you feel! Ive had anorexia for 13 years...Im 25 and was diagnosed at 12. For many, many years I have always said I would never recover, and I've believed it (thus, its always been true). Now I'm settling for something different (real, full recovery - terrifying, but possible) because Ive come to the realisation that if I dont, my life with always be a little empty, and one day I'll realise that I'll have a lot less than I do right now because of my eating disorder (and Ive already lost so so much).
Im always here for you! x
Kind of scary, but if recovery is fatness, it is not an option.I'd rather be deathly ill than fat. Sad but true.........
hiya. This may sound peculiar (or you may have heard it before) but the ironic thing about recovery is that the reason you know when you're in recovery is that you don't feel as fat anymore.
Now I know your brain in response to that will probably say "just because you don't feel it, doesnt mean you're not fat. It just means that this idea of 'recovery' has brainwashed you into forgetting that you are fat", or something like that.
Therefore, I'll go further to say, this is when you get to a healthy weight, not an overweight weight. You can get to a healthy weight and not feel as fat as you did at a low weight. -which feels crazy cuz you'd think that if you felt like an elephant at x lbs you'd feel like 30 elephants at x+x lbs but its not true.
I've been x lbs and Ive been weight restored to 'maintenance' 4 times now. Im currently at maintenance, and though I do still feel fat sometimes, other times I dont. my bmi also says that im not fat and sometimes I believe it. Other times I dont, but when I was a low weight I never believed it, I always believed I was fat.
When I always believed I was fat, I also ONLY believed that I was fat. That was ALL I was. Now sometimes I'm fat and sometimes I'm not, but I'm also sometimes a colleague, and a sister, and an employee, and a book lover, and a movie fan etc. The less time I spend being 'fat', the more time I seem to spend being something else.
I don't understand it either. Sometimes in my 'fat' moments I think "but I can't stop being 'fat' and do something else right now, I need to fix being fat first! This is important!". But then I have a work email to send and for that moment I'm not fat, Im an employee; then I friend says hi, and for the next moment Im a friend.
I don't need to fix being fat before I can do anything else. I fix being fat BY doing something else because you cant be both at the same time. I'm not all the way there either but if I think about this rationally I know its true (and I'll keep trying to believe it too). Maybe you can try it too.
All the best.
Yes to all this. I remember being a certain weight and (fleetingly) catching a glimpse of myself and seeing how awfully thin I was. I lost a few more kilos after that, but strangely enough I thought I was too big. I know there is no logic to this. I think for many people the first step is not wanting to recover, but wanting to want to recover.
6lenin66 this is called BDD (body dysmorphic disorder) and almost everyone with an ED struggle with this. When I was at my lowest (116 pounds) I thought I looks fatter than I do at this moment (155 pounds!). I still struggle with the idea of looking gross and fat everyday, but oddly not as much when I weighed less! That is BDD for you!
Talking ONLY for me, because you didn't upload a new video since ages and didn't let us take part in your life, now I'm not interested anymore in your business. Don't know why youtube still shows your upload to me. I just don't have any connection to you anymore. Now there are other youtubers. youtube is not the real world, here it's only cyber connection. People come and people go, they are also exchangeable. Bye.
luticia goodbye :)
You are welcome to speak only for yourself, yet what you are saying is not pleasant to share or hear; it was rude really. The uploader was not reaching out to you rather to someone who really cared and looked forward to an update. Some things are best said; some things are best done through unsubscribing.
"Don't know why youtube still shows your upload to me." Because YOU chose to subscribe to her. ...when you _did_ care. ...and didn't UNsubscribe to her when you decided you no longer did. That's on you, not TH-cam and not Dani. And I question you ever actually cared, because what value does leaving this comment offer literally anyone? And on Christmas Eve? You sound like she OWED you an inside look into her life; a personal relationship. And that because she didn't give it to you, she's really just 'telling her business' now to people who don't wanna hear about it. Pick a damn side. Dani's never been "a TH-camr", so she's not being replaced with some shiny new ED starlet. She was just a girl chronicaling her ED journey before "youtuber" was a profession or something to aspire to be. This bitterness is really disgusting and I'm glad you're leaving if this is the way you'd treat, well, literally anyone.
"People come and people go, they are also exchangeable." Just as you are. You won't be missed.
OurPeanutGallerie i am not subscribed
***** Then it is 110% on you for choosing to click and voluntarily electing to listen to "someone you don't care about". As if she has any control of what YT shows you, that's also on you based on your own watch history. If you only clicked to leave a jerk comment, you seriously need to work on yourself. Who even does that?