What has worked best for me is not looking for a partner in times of need just as I don't go to the supermarket hungry. Work on yourself, build a life that makes you proud and when you are clear about what you need and what makes you happy, go out and find it. Don't accept less, we all want a partner but not just any partner and not at any price.
The most dangerous person in a relationship is the person who chooses, allows and accepts this behavior in their lives from anyone. #Standards #Accountability
Women are able to have sex with 9s and 10s easily, BUT WILL NEVER LOCK THEM DOWN. Then women think they are a 9 or 10 as a result. When in reality, they can only lock down a 6 or 7
@@liztowers2058 well if it was just a FWB situation that’s different because the understanding is that they’re not supposed to get serious unless it’s discussed that you both want it to be more serious.
As someone who learned this very late, rip the bandaid off and find out. And accept what they say. Don’t do a thing about it. “I’m not ready for anything serious.” “Oh, thats a shame. That’s exactly what i’m looking for. But if you’re not ready, you shouldn’t feel forced. I wish things could have worked out.” The hard truth is that we often make someone waaaay to comfortable, in hopes they will feel more love in return. But if most of us were honest, it was at our most uncomfortable that we got the most energized and motivated to make changes. Ask the tough questions. Be willing to take a hard pass when they push your boundaries. It will make them think. It will make them challenge themselves- if they really have love for you, you will find out.
I hope you found already the best person for you. I got out too--after many years, but as long as we are still alive, we are good, not too late, GOD speed to you!
I think many women already subconsciously know and can't acknowledge that they already know why this person is avoiding the subject. Because broaching it means it's over. So women hang around hoping it will change. Which it never does.
@@libbynovotny9979That's for sure but I'm not even looking anyway! I rarely get approached now though, except by desperate drunk men who will sleep with just about anyone while in that state. 🤭
Just broke up after 3 years lack of intention from an avoider. Take back control of your love life. Powerful. Grief and safety vs. hope n anxiety. Thank you for the great message!
I tried that. When man isn't interested, he just isn't interested. There is no secret game or anything else there. It was just a waste of time. If he shows no interest, doesn't call, doesn't ask on a date, it's bye-bye from me! There was one man I actually openly asked and he was all like "sure, I am interested in you!" and kept the same not calling and not answering. So, I dumped him.
I just spent 10 yrs with a narc and faker .. yes I know I should have left way earlier .. now I’m 67 and wasted those yrs .. I’m now working on pulling out of this sad state
I dated a dismissive avoidant for 2.5 years. I never stood a chance. She wanted to have fun and anything deeper or commitment meant pushing me away. Such a collosal waste of time. But now I know and I will never ever never repeat this again. It was the most painful breakup of my life and I'm glad I ended it. Future faking is just cruel sadistic torture. why did i stay so long? because i didn't know about attachment styles, about my childhood wounds, I could only leave once I understood why I attracted it and what needed to heal inside me and my ex. Sadly she doesn't believe in attachment theory, she called it a psychological bullshit which was more than enough push for me to end it, in addition to everything else.
@@spiritwanderer777 forgive her not because you're doing her a favor or something. Forgive her because it is part of letting go and healing your heart. Forgive her so she won't live rent free in your heart. She don't even have to know that you have forgiven her, it's for your own heart. Unforgiveness is never good for your heart. Forgive but never forget the lesson.
@@dannypoh7819 I understand where you're coming from. I used to believe in that too. I already let her go from my heart, only sadness remains. I understand why she did what she did, but I don't have to forgive. I never forgave my other ex who was a narcissist (she confessed her plan of using and discarding me to her friends) and I have 0 emotional attachment to that person other than remembering what they did so that I never allow it to happen again.
I fell in love and we moved in together. Five years later, I asked him "will we marry one day?". His reply, "I will never marry you". About a month later I suggested to him that he find a new place to live as I did not want to play house with him anymore, He did move and one year later he married another woman, That all happened 40 years ago and it still haunts me, I was deeply in love with him and I remained single after our ending. I wish I would have asked the big question about a year or two into the relationship, He was the love of my life.
Very sorry to read this. I have had similar experience in the past. The problem we have is that we allow these terrible characters to dictate our future. As MH would say: the reality of your relationship is how they make you feel and not how you feel about them! We need to bury the past, open our hearts and move forward. The best is yet to come! Amen
It’s awful when guys use you as Ms Right Now and never tell you. They know pretty quickly into the piece whether they consider you marriage material or not. There should be the discussion at the beginning on opinions of marriage , children etc. then if you’re not on the same page you can make an informed choice on your next step. I have the perfect partner - Mr Nobody. After many failed relationships I realised I needed to get me some personal growth. Now I’m in a great place in all areas and I realised I don’t actually need or want a partner. But I’m glad there are people who do want that because when it works it’s beyond beautiful.
I think avoiders are cowards mine was. He gave me crumbs time to time, he played hot and cold and he gave me enough hope so I felt hook up. It took me 2 years to realize that nothing will change. I left him 1 month ago
They fear the prospect of being vulnerable because they've never been there. The day I learned to laugh at myself for making harmless mistakes was huge for me.
I’ve showed up, being the energy,the love, the support, the understanding and all the package, courage and vulnerability, put the questions and tried to get the conversations, we were on the same page at the beginning then it started to wear off.. pulled away.. lack of meaningful exchanges.. heart to heart conversations to both become aware of defence mechanisms, auto pilot modes, .. avoiding everything basically.. this made me feel anxious and feeling I’m the only horse at this carriage.. more anxious because I did not understand what is happening..and here we are, in a avoidant-anxious relationship dynamic .. that I only now come to understand and become more aware of .. such a pity …
SPOT ON, of course, about the avoider. I dated one of these people for the last 2 years long distance and when I finally gathered up the courage to ask for a commitment once I moved back he was like, "I'm super attracted to you, I love you, I love spending time with you, you're the most beautiful person but I just don't feel what I'd need to feel to commit more deeply." That was the end of that. I was absolutely the co-conspirator in wasting my own time for the exact reason you mentioned. It felt so good that I was afraid to ruin the party. I was also the rebound after his 11 year toxic relationship and I was a soft place to land. He never had to take time to really sit in his grief too deeply because I was a distraction from how much pain he was in. I knew better but after a 15 year friendship we'd both always been attracted to each other and I didn't hold my boundaries because there was so much buildup after all that time. And I played it way too cool the entire time. I asked for more communication but I didn't make it an ultimatum. Don't be me!
''I dated one of these people for the last 2 years long distance and when I finally gathered up the courage to ask for a commitment once I moved back he was like, "I'm super attracted to you, I love you, I love spending time with you, you're the most beautiful person but I just don't feel what I'd need to feel to commit more deeply."'' He was shagging another/other women at the same time he was shagging you!
@@FarahThriscia not at all :) happy to share. I would’ve asked more directly. All I did was say, “hey I’m not available for a situationship, you mean more to me than that and we are more than friends with benefits so I need some clarity.” and he said, “Absolutely its more than that. I want you to know how important our connection is to me. I know I push you away but I do that with everyone I care about the most. I just know I’m not in a headspace to be able to show up for you the way I know you deserve and I don’t want to commit without intention and then end up hurting you.” Because he’d just gotten out of an eleven year relationship and I’d gotten out of an eight year one I was cool with just floating along. We’d been friends for fifteen years so I felt safe. He then told me he was a monogamy person and needed exclusivity to feel safe so I just ASSUMED and didn’t probe. I’d have advised a friend to ask very directly, “Are we exclusive and monogamous and do you see a future for us together.” I just kinda thought, okay, phew, sounds like we’re cool, because I was so attracted to him it was easier to just stay in fantasy. Maybe 9 months later after seeing him once or twice a month whenever I was in town, I said, I’d like to talk about a firm commitment, and that’s when he said he just didn’t feel enough to take it there.
@@FarahThriscia I know that’s a long answer and there’s a lot more but bottom line: whatever the question, it should be direct and then one must let go of the outcome. He’d told me he’s terrified of vulnerability and sweats and shakes about it so I didn’t want to be confrontational and make him feel anxious. I was way too passive. I catered too much to his avoidance and stayed stuck in my own fantasy world where I was like, “he’ll come around.” And just when it started to feel like we were getting closer and it was starting to feel like a real relationship, he was out.
Dismissive avoidants want all the goods without having to commit to anything, even if this is mostly subconscious for them. There's all this talk about having empathy for people with dismissive avoidant attachment styles and taking it slow for them and giving them space, and we absolutely should do that but ONLY if they're actively working on their attachment style and have communicated and shown with action that they're moving towards more intimacy with you. The truth is, they like you, but not enough to follow through on plans. They like you, but not enough to officially ask you out. They like you, but not enough to respond to your texts (with the amount of time they stare at their screens while they're talking to you, do you really think they just missed your message?). They like you, just not enough. And you deserve better than that. For some reason it's hard to wrap your brain around the fact that a person can be a great human being and still be a really shitty romantic partner. You get sucked in my so many great qualities, but unless they are actively working on their intimacy issues it is not EVER going to happen. And Avidants are notorious for not wanting to work on their attachments styles. No amount of waiting will turn their breadcrumbs into a meal. There's a reason they keep bread crumbing you, and it' because it works. You keep nibbling it up when they string you along, so of course they're never going to give you more. And it's not because they're evil, but because they're too afraid to get close to you. And fear is a hard beast to tame when the person has no desire to do so. All the advice says that avoidants wish you knew that you relying on them for intimacy is too much for them to handle and it would be easier for them to get closer to you if you didn't rely on them so much. That's all great, but shouldn't we be encouraging them to work on becoming secure rather than convincing their partners to just want less than they deserve? I urge you to examine why YOU keep getting into relationships with the same type of person over and over again. Work on your own attachment issues and get out of your lack mentality for a second and realize that there is a whole world of people out there who would love the chance to love you, and many of them are secure. You don't have to got through this misery.
This is how I approach my dating partners and this video is really affirming that I’m doing the healthy thing in my own vulnerability, openness, and need to ask important questions so that things are clear. It’s scary and can hurt, though.
Same. Unfortunately, I end up alone most of the time bc men on apps are lowlifes looking for free sex and saying they're emotionally unavailable like it's a fuck buddy fast pass. Nope. I am not having it. Then the men who are genuine all want children. And as a woman, I want a childfree life. That but of info is a big hangup for me that i wish dating coaches would talk about. How to find a childfree partnership
@@bzrbuzzy When you go on your dating app, just make sure to put that in your bio upfront. That will weed out all of the "child wanting" partners. Say it with a little humor, but you can still say it and the people who feel the same will respond.
@@girlygirl1890 yes, i do :) many don't read it or don't care. They want to go out w me and their profile says they want kids... I'm like....why are you even messaging me?! 🤷🏽♀️
This can also happen to guys. I had a woman who was always postponing, and said "we need to wait". In the end I was ghosted. The explanation is always in their actions. Stringing someone along is never ok. But it's also our job to set them free once we smell the fish.
I was in this kind of a relationship. Both of us agreed and wanted to take things slowly, however 6 mths in I did have the relationship conversation and was reassured he wanted a relationship, at one stage even suggesting we were in one at that point. At 8months we have not progressed in time spent together, communication and he is now starting to pick at insignificant issues. I felt he was now sabotaging the relationship and shortly there after he ended it. He did me a massive favour. No regrets it ended and I will be on the lookout for this person again.
"suggesting we were in one" and clearly stating that you were both in a relationship are two very different things. It sounds like he was beating around the bush and you let him do it.
The more I listen to these kind of things, the more I realise that I have been an avoider all the time. And I avoided confrontation AND emotional connection. One came from fear of being alone, the other was fear of abandonment. Both fears lead to long, quite meaningless, relationships. Then I fought the fear of being alone, by choosing to be single for the past 4 years. Now I chose to date again, and all the fear of abandonment kicks in. It is SO uncomfortable and painful. I cried so much, I never have in my life, but I am seeking true connection. So started therapy and faced this shit. So yes, I can understand that dating an avoider is hard, being an avoider is hard too. But facing it does change everything. In fact I met someone really nice and we are officially together now. It still needs a lot if work, especially on my side, but I am in for it. The main reason I am writing this is... change is possible, BUT it is only possible, if we truly want to, with all of our heart and with pure intention. Then it is possible to get through it. And it is super healing as well.
Same, 4 years &, Growing Stronger in My Healing Journey ...of, Abandonment &, Being Alone. But, like you I've been Doing the Work on Self! You, Got This &, The Rest!!! Stay, Strong, Smart &, Resilient 🌬️🩵
I’ve seen this happening soooo many times… but it’s not worth it, we need to be brave and clarify things. Be brave and have the difficult conversations
The most dangerous person to be with is a person who is attracted to anyone and can easily fall in love with different people at same time. Someone with constant wandering eye.
I was ghosted immediately after having that "difficult conversation" and thought we were on the same page. It was heartbreaking, especially when I was so excited to move forward with what I thought was a new understanding of our exclusivelty.
I was too scared of the answer so didn't ask the question when we'd been dating 5 years. I just schlepped my overnight bag/next day's work clothes to his house each evening until one day I cracked and asked The Question. HE ABANDONED ME TWO DAYS LATER. So - 5 years of my life wasted on a relationship that was done in an instant - no explanation, no closure, nothing. (But I bet he's regretted it every day - ha ha!!!!).
Ugh so relatable. You just get into this pattern of packing the bag and spending the night on a schedule for years but there’s all this ambiguity and lack of direct communication and every time you’re there you’re like, “okay I’m gonna say something this time” but then it’s so comfortable and dreamy you don’t want to ruin the mood so you chicken out. You tell yourself, “What am I worried about, he’s totally into me, it’s obvious, maybe I don’t have to make a big thing of it.” Then you’re like, oh, come on, if you don’t ask you’ll never get what you want and if you can get a firm answer you’ll feel so much better. But then you ask and he’s like, “you’re sexy and smart and beautiful and you’re so good to me and this is so fun but yeah, I’m looking for something different in the long run.” Take the bags back home!
I did TWELVE years ago…waiting on something that was never going to happen!! That was 30 years ago ..To this day I know he regrets his choice! Too late mate 🤪
I'm not looking for love, but was curious about the "dangerous person" to look out for if I was. I genuinely appreciate this talk on being an avoider. It's given me some really good insights. Namely, that if you are an avoider in one area of your life, you are likely to exhibit this same behavior in other areas and I am currently working on exchanging my running shoes for some hefty weighted boots that keep me firmly planted in place facing the challenges. It is a challenge of its own that requires consistent self-belief in your right to assert yourself, ask for what you want and strive to get your needs met when you are used to being invalidated or dismissed almost ritually. Thank you! 🌟
This video drops just in time. I have been dating an avoider for two months and he never showed any other intention beyond intimacy. I am ready to vanish in silence now. I am not interested in expressing or explaining what I really want because he could never give it to me.
You don't have to explain yourself, but ghosting isn't exactly a healthy idea. "It doesn't seem like we have the same goals and intentions. This isn't going to work out. I wish you the best."
Very true. I ask the hard questions from the get go, it saves time and energy, although even when we ask questions, the other person can lie, but only for a while because the truth always surfaces. Be vigilant 🧐 and bring up any red flags 🚩
Yes! I weeded out the last guy I tried to date in under a month by giving myself full permission to ask hard questions and noticing how his actions held up against his words. It works! We're worth it ❤
Problem is, you can ask all the right questions but in the end their answers turn out to be lies. Just better not to trust anyone, ever. If you can’t keep yourself from trusting then just stay away from people. Yeah it’s a sad, unfortunate truth but the trade off - trusting someone will leave you with a broken heart. Trusting just isn’t worth the pain
My takes to eliminate the negative candidates and attract the positive ones : 1) Heal your attachment style & deal with your trauma, whether it's from childhood or elsewhere. Securely attached, emotionally healthy people attract the same. 2) Pour into your interests and your life and allow the universe to bring you people that are aligned with your energy 3) Let men be the pursuers. Just trust me on this, the other way does NOT work. 4) Don't let a person disrespect you or disappear on you twice. If they violate your boundary or 'pull away,' they're as good as gone- move on. 5) Learn to really enjoy your own presence, and you will adjust your energetic frequency to attract people that can match you. 6) Worry about whether you're interested in them, not whether they're interested in you. 7) If a man is leaving you confused about his feelings, he is either not into you or not mature enough for a relationship. Let him go. Hope this helps!
Just had the difficult conversation and ended a non-viable event. Not embarrassed at all, just incredibly hurt and angry that someone tried to use me this way. The avoidant not only avoids, they don't even recognize what they are doing and why it's wrong.
Just got out of the exact situation. Although I did start asking the questions early and put up with him telling me I was 'too much' and thought about relationships too seriously. I let him drag me along for another few months but finally called it 2 weeks ago. I'm annoyed with myself for not having healthier boundaries sooner but I'm taking it as another learning experience and will do my best not to repeat this again.
''I let him drag me along for another few months'' He drag you along for *months......while getting as much free s£x as possible ....,.,.*before you realised that was all he really wanted.
Just ended a two-month situationship with someone who lead me on. I was pursued romantically, and when I started to develop feelings and bring up the conversation of exclusivity, they suddenly “weren’t ready for a relationship.” Which left me very confused because trhe whole time, their actions and words all felt like they wanted to be in a relationship with me. It’s been a month since I last talked to them. It still hurts but after listening to this and reading the comments, I feel pretty proud of myself for communicating my needs and establishing what we were early on. It’s sad to think that people can let a “relationship” that doesn’t progress anywhere go on for years just because of the lack of communication of intentions. It’s especially difficult when you’re already emotionally invested in someone and you can just sense in your gut that it’s not gonna go anywhere, but you’re too deep in to bring it up. Dating is complicated man. I wish I have the power to just give each person their soulmate.
Most dangerous perosn is someone who wants a FWB and u get sucked in and fall in love while he doesnt and u stick around praying he might suddenly "feel" love for you like you do....i wasted 2 yrs hoping be would suddenly ask me to be his. I left. Still hurts.
If you wanted marriage, why on earth would you stay for that long? Were you teens when you met? That would be torture. Anything beyond 1- 1/2 yrs without talking about rings, etc. is a cue for me to bounce.
Yup, my ex abruptly scooted after ten years together. When I proposed after about 4 years together, she fucked that all up as well. She has BPD and self medicates with lots of booze. Ten years is no joke, especially in your 30-40's, and then they flake. Cruel is an understatement.
Just wanted to say I was an avoider in a relationship, and exactly after 5 months when I finally decided to let the guy know what I was missing, and I put my heart out there for him to listen and maybe give me something that I needed (and not just doing everything that I was hating just to please him), he listened and 5 days later he broke up with me. It hurt like hell, and still hurts to this day (it's been 4 years and I still think I was an idiot because I could have avoided the situation).... but, yup, my fear of rejection (which I knew it would happen as soon as I would open my mouth to say what I was feeling) kept me in silence for so long. This was such a great video because I've recognized myself in it going back to that time. I don't do it anymore, I've learned the hard way. Now, I see an emotional unavailable guy and although I try for a bit, I leave the situation but I say what I have to say. I leave before I get hurt (as I know I will be). And there it goes... I'm always alone.
Agreed. People dont realize when you play games the other person play games. When you dont play games the other person wont. And if they do, noq you know to leave them alone. Easiest way to find out to be honest
This is so timely! My situationship over three years to a T. Only I was led on by asking these questions and him kinda (but not totally) telling me what I needed to hear. He was a very wounded bird, so I gave him so much slack and I just felt exactly how you explained in this video.. right down to playing cool. It was torture. Finally I pushed for answers, and he was busy, would not have a conversation around it so I kinda kept texting and finally heard back that I was too intense and my persistent messages were making him uncomfortable. I felt SO embarrassed, and was cringing at myself... but we were not aligned and I did need to be rejected like that because the entire thing was an enigma... it hurt most the time, I had anxiety, and was becoming so insecure. I did avoid knowing the truth, when I asked he avoided and I avoided moving on. When it ended I said I deserved to be treated better and he said I'm not treating you like anything! Um.. exactly! Now I know what a situationship is and it is a big waste of time.
''My situationship over *****three****** years= You were just his side piece for three years. You knew exactly what he was doing so just get over yourself!
Just cut it off with someone after 2 weeks of texting on an app (sparingly on their part) as they consistently avoided answering my questions and love bombed me after a 5 day silence. Think i just dodged a glamorous narcissist as there were other incongruent things about them, just listen to your gut feeling.
It’s more likely to be the awful nature of modern online dating. It brings an abundance of opportunity for both sexes, but hence means upsetting people when we decide who to meet in person. People don’t want to upset others, so the conversation drifts off. It’s avoiding to a degree, but more down to a need to not upset. I blame the tools in this regard.
I don't use dating apps whatsoever. However, I have been informed and I'm aware that dating apps are crawling with Narcissists & other toxic people looking for someone to use and "supply." I prefer to meet someone on real-life but, it hasn't been going so well. So many attachments styles, disorders and personality types, it's overwhelming.🙃
This is exactly what happened to me.....I stayed in a relationship which was really a situationship for 4 years with an avoidant person because I adored and loved him sooo much. Granted I did on a couple of occasions share what my boundaries were and lived in hope that he might eventually commit to me. He never acknowledged my boundaries however obviously enjoyed having me in his life. It was more a case of him thinking he could have his cake and eat it too with other options. So when I finally conjured up the guts to ask him for full exclusively, he refused. We were never on the same page although it did feel like we loved each other deeply. It was very confusing and disappointing to me. I felt like I'd been played, however did have some knowledge of him being a player in the past. I guess I was in denial.
''This is exactly what happened to me.....I stayed in a relationship which was really a situationship for 4 years'' He was shagging other women behind your back and you knew it. However, you thought you could change the 'Bad' boy!
Going through a breakup with an avoidant who also exhibited signs of narcissism. I was very open from the beginning about what I wanted, and at first he said he wanted the same things. I was proud of myself for being vulnerable and having uncomfortable conversations with him, even though it caused him to grow very distant from me over time. I realized he was lying to me and dragged me along for a year. It's difficult right now, but I learned a lot from this experience and I will never accept this behavior from a partner again
Sometimes in the beginning, they will actually have the conversation. I set my boundaries in the beginning, and my ex fearful avoidant agreed to them. We were in an actual relationship until he expressed deep feelings. Then the avoidance tendencies began. His fears got the best of him. What caused me to ignore red flags was that he is basically a good person, "mr nice guy", just deeply wounded. And therefore dangerous.... NC forever for me.
Matthew has just described my experience, I was raising all the questions about our state and after 11 months of being together he admitted he was lying about his feelings. This is dangerous especially when the time is so precious
Timely topic, thank you! In my long-time experience, any guy over 30 who strings along a woman, avoiding the relationship conversation but thoroughly enjoying the time together, has been called out on this before, and is now doing it knowingly and deliberately. There are guys out there, and women too from what I read on social media, who have such a fear of commitment and fear of "losing out" on future possibilities that they staunchly resist any conversation around 'where is this going'? If asked, they will make all sorts of excuses, like 'we're having such a great time, let's just see where this goes.' They know that any woman who buys this is a suitable candidate for a noncommittal relationship. Since they see themselves in a noncommitted relationship, be prepared to have the rug pulled out from under you at any moment when they meet someone new who strikes their fancy.
so well said. this is one of the shittiest aspects of the FWB set up, the guy is still dating and looking for a better option and when he finds the one he truly wants your FWB wraps up ASAP
I just ended something I was really hoping would be the real deal because she wouldn’t commit to me.. now granted we only spoke for 3 weeks but it wasn’t that I was begging for a relationship with her.. I was just asking multiple times and options to go on a genuine date. Of course, she blew me off 90% of the time and constantly said she was struggling with too much to focus on anything else. I supported her response and wished her the best but knew deep in my gut that it really was she wasn’t too interested and enjoyed my genuine feelings I had for her “attention”. It’s been 4 days since I went my own way and it hurts but I know I saved myself a lot of pain.
So very true. You can get into many committed long-term relationships and know they're one you could be in forever or imagine a future with, you could have zero problems outside of a single key value such as respect or growth, but the question is, is it "the one" relationship you should or could truly be in forever?
It sounds like you do not want to "bother" this individual which is honorable in a way, but doesn't the uncertainty you are required to exist within create worries or "bother" _YOU_ at varying times, and isn't that a pressure of its own and a burden that you assume in the interest of not placing "undue pressure?" Don't you deserve peace of mind too? Do you even feel you deserve or have a right to receive answers to your questions or things you may be wondering about like where you stand with the individual? Do you feel you could survive and make the pivots necessary for your own well-being if the answer is not what you would hope or expect? Or the reverse - do you feel concerned about being able to uphold the standards or sustain the commitment required if the answer was a form of _"yes"_ indicating deeper pair bonding?
I really liked this quick chat Matthew! How you identified the 'avoider' and the danger of dancing with one another, when in fact, you want more. I honestly had my mind enlightened on this one. 😊 Thank you so much! Super appreciate you!
That's all so right. Avoiders are a plague in dating. I've learned to know them and do away with them. By the way can't wait to read your book, I've pre-ordered it!
This video is exact. I’m 42 finally learning to be vulnerable and to ask the questions because I didn’t want it to end. Only now realizing I was an playing the avoidant dance too. 🤦♀️ Not afraid of anything ending anymore. ❤ But I still wouldn’t play with someone’s heart like that.
For a very long time I thought I'm the mad one. This explains things which I suspected about my patterns of choosing men. No more disrespecting myself.
My last boyfriend did this. I tried to initiate these conversations, but he avoided them, often giving me enough of a breadcrumb that I could run with, but not fully giving an answer or being honest. He involved my daughter in his stringing me along, and hurt my career and friendships in the process with his cheating. I’m having a hard time ever wanting to trust again.
THANK YOU FOR THIS VIDEO! I think too often we waste our time on people who haven't done anything "wrong," when they also haven't done anything right -- Just because we're afraid to start modeling the behavior we want and committing to our standards. A lack of glaring red flags isn't the same as an abundance of green flags.
I really needed this video. I'm due to have a difficult conversation with this girl I've been seeing and I've been afraid to have it because it will essentially open the possibility of things ending. But it is necessary to talk about. I think staying in a relationship that is a dead end is worse than being single and looking.
When is the next training? I just spent 6 months thinking a man actually cared about me in a way that he didn't. I now have a new awareness of what I want & deserve in a relationship.
When do you think is the right time to ask the question "what are your intention"? Is it when both the party know each other well or when both are just starting to know each other
So great, thank you! I have been one of those who have been terrified to ask the hard questions. I can't continue with that behavior. Thank you for being so respectful and caring about these painful behaviors that both men and women exhibit. It seems like so much of it just boils down to being honest with oneself and the other person and communicating with them.
This video actually helped me after going through a rough break-up with an avoider. I’ve never felt such a connection before, but it was an elusion. People pleasers that also are avoiders are dangerous. They’re doing stuff for you that they don’t want to, make you feel comfortable with your own behavior, even avoid the talk when you think to feel something’s off. I feared the outcome of our talk that lead to break-up, because that was a serious possibility. But I’m glad for myself that I did. It avoided, pun intended, a lot of long-term pain and unhappiness. This video helped me see that I did everything right. I knew who I was and what I wanted and loved my self enough to step up for myself. - 12:40 interestingly for us it was the other way around. Because they did never tell me what they needed I felt bad about it. Not because I ignored what they needed, I asked a lot of times, but because they didn’t tell me. And I was standing there, feeling bad and saying „I didn’t know you felt this way.“ I gotta look into what that is about.
If after 6-12 months of dating they STILL dont know if they want to spend the rest of their life with you, its time to move on. It takes two seconds to fall in love.
It takes two seconds to figure out if youre interested. Love, for men seems to start out at the top, and gradually fall as he uncovers the skeletons in the closet of his love interest.😂 -man
Biggest waste of time is searching for love outside of yourself. Feel and nurture the love you have inside, for yourself, people, nature, art, animals, life itself. Then you might meet the people or things that are in connection with us.
such wise advice. I am 44 and have never had partner love in my life... but the validity of other types of love is a beautiful thing just in a different way
The ‘ambivalent’ relationship is a special hell of its own. Rejection sucks but its better than purgatory. You have everything so close, you can smell it, yet you can’t get have it. Narc, BDPs and sociopaths live in this kind of world. It will ruin you. Do not engage. They only way to put an end to Hookup culture or not be burnt by it is by having brutally, cut the bullshit boundaries. It is very hard. But the alternative is misery.
5 years. Our intentions were not aligned. We were avoiding the conversation. Wow. I lost everything because I assumed they were committed to me on the same level. But they left. It got a little rough & they probably got scared & just left. I’m dying
This is very true! As a man I think women are way better communicators (in general) but many times don't speak straight to the point...the very important points...and they should!
after 1 year and half I finally asked her what are we and when I got rejected I was reliffed I sensed a heavy lift out of my chest I ended a situationship so I was free but there was one question did it worth all this time waste ? maybe yes because I learned so much in this way thank you Matthew Hussey
This Is exactly what happened tò me. After a Little more than One year, I had to ask and the answer was so disappointing I had to leave. Never making that mistake again.
Same after one year I had as Matthew said a emotional explosion, just talking about everything that she did to hurt me. Then she turned it on me saying how happy she was till I said those things and that she can't forgive me, "for telling the truth about our relationship" she left and thank GOD because I could never bring myself to leave someone I love(She leaving me was probably the last act of kindness she could do for me 'or change'). I truly commend you for having the insight of leaving someone like that I wish I hade the guts earlier, it would have saved allot of sorrow.
One thing seems missing in all those conversations. 5 years, 2 years whatever the time you spent with that person is not missing! You enjoyed the time otherwise you wouldn’t afraid of missing him.
Time wasters will make it sure to take your time. As for me, i just give them 3 months. Even if they are good people, there are people who are " confused" with what they want. If after that, a man has no " clear plans" if he wants to be in a relationship with me... I understand. Let's have the conversation, closure then end it. I have to move on from that 3 months.
This is so good! My last relationship was with a good guy who didn't have a plan for me in his life, for us. When I brought up the topic, he broke up with me 5 days later. Very good man, just didn't want the more meaningful relationship I'm ready for. I miss him dearly. But, he made his choice...
I recently dated this person who had an avoidant attachment style. He started extremely vulnerable, and then shut down in a matter of weeks. Going from: I love you, to: I don't have any feelings. I hadn't dealt with this before, but I did everything right. I modelled the right behaviour/energy (which he did seem to appreciate). But I was also brave, and asked the difficult questions. We disconnected, which I think was the right thing to do, but why did it feel so bad? Is it because you have to get used to it?
It hurts when you break a strong connection with anther human, but you grow and it does get better. I recently had to disconnect from an avoidant partner with whom I spent 1.5 years with trying to figure out which side, the push or the pull, was her real personality. Be thankful you haven't invested that kind of time in an avoidant as it is extremely draining emotionally and can make you doubt your own ability to attach because after awhile you can slip into their kind of behavior as a defense mechanism. You will feel better and there will be people out there who genuinely want to connect and have the emotional intelligence and ability to do so.
I think we as humans operate on ego alot more than we realize. Maybe you feel as if you as a person are being rejected. Yet it's not something is wrong with you but this is an issue this other person has and they haven't worked on it. They aren't capable of giving you what you expect, and you are right in having expectations and standards.
@@MarjoleinKeijser I'm sure. I went through something similar. So I learned the lesson. We aren't always seen as valuable in certain places, so we have to place ourselves where we are valued
If you spend a lot of time with someone and it doesn't go anywhere, it's a sign that there are important lessons to learn. Don't rush or ignore these lessons. If you do, you might make the same mistake again. Even if you watch these videos hundreds of times, your strong emotions will still guide you more than anything else. Until the lesson is learned. We don't grow emotionally based on time, like a clock ticking, but rather when we learn and understand our emotions better through experience and self-reflection.
It‘s very interesting. I feel that I‘m avoidant, too. And if I notice the status quo isn‘t changing, I also don‘t want to ask the question, but immediately abandon ship.
Well I agree with what a lot of people have said this, it doesn’t ever start bad. I have asked what are you looking for I’m looking for long term and they say yes that’s what they are looking for also. I asked them to even make me promises not to cheat and not to ghost. Everything goes good except she couldn’t tell me she loved me but she said she shows it by actions. I did really like her so went along with it. A year and a half in she finally says she loves me. One week after she is able to tell me she loves me she cheats on me then ghosted me telling me that she loved me less than 2 days ago. wtf? I lost my mind.
Thank you, Matthew, so much for your videos! I have been watching your TH-cam channel for a while and what you said had really helped me to change my perspective and turn my life around. Something clicked in my brain and I realised that I was miserable in my situation shop and didn't want to put my energy there anymore. Pure luck or change of mindset but now I am in very happy, commited relationship and I am convinced that your advise played big part in that. Thank you!
Women like you knowingly got into a ''situationship'' with men who you damn well know only wante s£x with you. And then when you *finally accept that Mr 'lover' boy doesn't want you full time you call it quits.
Very true and accurate...been there done that Red Flags from the first week, having studied psycology due to my career in Advertising, narcissists buy into ads...but my long distance relationship is dead - i cut it off, similar to what you describe
you need to communicate to them your concerns be understanding and control your emotions and stop wasting months playing games. Shows maturity & strength to be clear with your intentions. You can play games and ignore people but I find it doesn’t work to get quality men/women.
Mathew, such a great video and work for a variety of situations it’s a way to live life. I love how slowly and carefully you explained it and your accent always makes it nice lol.❤
I like watching these videos I've learnt so much from this guy he explains things so well and he has helped me see the truth . I'm the kind of woman who wears her heart on her sleeve like so many others out there . Thanks Matthew you have helped Me think before jumping into another romance disaster . I get what you say I tend not to have that conversation with a guy because I'm afraid to hear that they are not thinking of the future just for now.
After two years of being with a man my sons and I loved dearly, I asked the hard questions and needed to establish what we were a year ago. He did exactly what you said he would “oh I thought you didn’t want to get married again” when he knew all along deep down I did.. I just needed time. He kicked the can for months.. saying he needed more time to think about it.. during that time I felt the pain, the loss, the distance and the truth that he wasn’t choosing us. He finally admitted he had no desire to be a father to my boys (even though he said he would be all in with them from the start) and that he had no desire to marry again and went on his way, completely discarding me and my boys like we never existed 💔 lesson learned to establish boundaries of what you are looking for- from the start so there’s no difficult conversations or tremendous heartbreak later.
I modeled energy ALOT in my last relationship...I called it "Leading by example..." Hoping she would pick up on it and reciprocate...she never caught on...frustrated the hell outta me...
Wow this is amazing for anyone to listen to for any type of relationship in their life. Here is the one part I am not sure about, if u ask someone the hard questions about ur relationship w them and they are already playing games w u there is no way to trust the answers they give u.
@@iDKonic128 I am addressing his point about asking the hard questions. There is no point asking the hard questions to someone who is mucking you about bc they are not ppl who answer the hard questions honestly. Or if you are uncertain about them you wont trust the answer anyway.
First time in my life I put myself truly first and brought up the difficult conversation on Saturday to someone who loves mixed messages lmao. She was one incredible girl but she didn't appreciate my action and that resulted in a total loss of her from my life. Sucks. But, I accept it.
What has worked best for me is not looking for a partner in times of need just as I don't go to the supermarket hungry. Work on yourself, build a life that makes you proud and when you are clear about what you need and what makes you happy, go out and find it. Don't accept less, we all want a partner but not just any partner and not at any price.
Brilliant advice x
Are you in relationship now?
Agree 👍
How do you stop looking at the same time as “go out and find it”? How can you find something you are not looking for?
100% agree with you.
The most dangerous person in a relationship is the individual that creates distance, silence and indecisiveness.
I could not agree more!
Agree. ,👍
Ditch these people.
Detached, emotionally unavailable, focused only on sex and false hope & intentions.
The most dangerous person in a relationship is the person who chooses, allows and accepts this behavior in their lives from anyone. #Standards #Accountability
Stringing someone along is dishonesty. If you aren't interested in them, someone else will be. Let them go.
Sadly I lived that… 😢
Don’t let situationships drag on for years y’all. Bring the question up right away. If they’re not serious don’t waste your time.
Women are able to have sex with 9s and 10s easily, BUT WILL NEVER LOCK THEM DOWN. Then women think they are a 9 or 10 as a result. When in reality, they can only lock down a 6 or 7
If they don't know what they want from me after two months, I'm moving on. Don't know how people waste years with others expecting things to change.
@@brennam954 two months is too long still in my opinion. I usually ask what they’re looking for from the beginning so no one’s time is wasted.
Totally what I did wrong. 2 yrs ....fwb.
And cut it off 3 weeks ago.
@@liztowers2058 well if it was just a FWB situation that’s different because the understanding is that they’re not supposed to get serious unless it’s discussed that you both want it to be more serious.
As someone who learned this very late, rip the bandaid off and find out. And accept what they say. Don’t do a thing about it. “I’m not ready for anything serious.” “Oh, thats a shame. That’s exactly what i’m looking for. But if you’re not ready, you shouldn’t feel forced. I wish things could have worked out.” The hard truth is that we often make someone waaaay to comfortable, in hopes they will feel more love in return. But if most of us were honest, it was at our most uncomfortable that we got the most energized and motivated to make changes. Ask the tough questions. Be willing to take a hard pass when they push your boundaries. It will make them think. It will make them challenge themselves- if they really have love for you, you will find out.
Best comment I have seen in a very long while on this kind of platform.
It reached me.
Appreciate ur experience and wisdom.
Thank you kindly.
Excellent
Agreed!
I hope you found already the best person for you. I got out too--after many years, but as long as we are still alive, we are good, not too late, GOD speed to you!
I think many women already subconsciously know and can't acknowledge that they already know why this person is avoiding the subject. Because broaching it means it's over. So women hang around hoping it will change. Which it never does.
Exactly! 99.99% of the time we know exactly what's happening and choose to overlook it. And then we blame the man for "stringing us along".
Women have to stop being people pleasers and become a lot braver. Always plenty of more fish in the sea.
Correct
@@jessicahitchens6926 wish that were true not as you get older..
@@libbynovotny9979That's for sure but I'm not even looking anyway!
I rarely get approached now though, except by desperate drunk men who will sleep with just about anyone while in that state. 🤭
Just broke up after 3 years lack of intention from an avoider. Take back control of your love life. Powerful. Grief and safety vs. hope n anxiety. Thank you for the great message!
"Grief and safety vs hope and anxiety"- that is it! Thank you! ❣️
Don't stay more than a year of romance.....if you don't see any change in him just leave.
i did too, congrats.. money drainer bs dating sites
Love it! Good for you!
I tried that. When man isn't interested, he just isn't interested. There is no secret game or anything else there. It was just a waste of time. If he shows no interest, doesn't call, doesn't ask on a date, it's bye-bye from me! There was one man I actually openly asked and he was all like "sure, I am interested in you!" and kept the same not calling and not answering. So, I dumped him.
🤷🏾♂️ that’s just the way it is
Women just give everything so fast and easily so men dont gave any interes in hanging with someone who has boundaries.
@@elarisa10 that actually might be true, sadly...
Welcome in men reality @@elarisa10
Same here I said bye bye on his birthday after a no contact for a week.. I don't have time to waste
I'm in my 60s spent a good two years with a avoider...when the subject came up I was gaslighted...at my age I don't feel I have time to waste.
💯
Same. I asked for answers and he gaslighted. 18 months, and I called it quits after that.
I just spent 10 yrs with a narc and faker .. yes I know I should have left way earlier .. now I’m 67 and wasted those yrs .. I’m now working on pulling out of this sad state
@@deanihendry7967 I'm sorry. That sucks.
No one has any time to waste...it's so disrespectful to be strung along for anyone.
I dated a dismissive avoidant for 2.5 years. I never stood a chance. She wanted to have fun and anything deeper or commitment meant pushing me away. Such a collosal waste of time. But now I know and I will never ever never repeat this again. It was the most painful breakup of my life and I'm glad I ended it. Future faking is just cruel sadistic torture. why did i stay so long? because i didn't know about attachment styles, about my childhood wounds, I could only leave once I understood why I attracted it and what needed to heal inside me and my ex. Sadly she doesn't believe in attachment theory, she called it a psychological bullshit which was more than enough push for me to end it, in addition to everything else.
Forgiveness I had the same thing ❤️
@@radleywilks9371 oh no, I can forgive myself, but I will never forgive her... not everybody deserves forgiveness.
@@spiritwanderer777 forgive her not because you're doing her a favor or something.
Forgive her because it is part of letting go and healing your heart.
Forgive her so she won't live rent free in your heart. She don't even have to know that you have forgiven her, it's for your own heart.
Unforgiveness is never good for your heart.
Forgive but never forget the lesson.
@@dannypoh7819 I understand where you're coming from. I used to believe in that too. I already let her go from my heart, only sadness remains. I understand why she did what she did, but I don't have to forgive. I never forgave my other ex who was a narcissist (she confessed her plan of using and discarding me to her friends) and I have 0 emotional attachment to that person other than remembering what they did so that I never allow it to happen again.
@@spiritwanderer777 then may I ask how is not forgiving them, help your healing process?
I fell in love and we moved in together. Five years later, I asked him "will we marry one day?". His reply, "I will never marry you". About a month later I suggested to him that he find a new place to live as I did not want to play house with him anymore, He did move and one year later he married another woman, That all happened 40 years ago and it still haunts me, I was deeply in love with him and I remained single after our ending. I wish I would have asked the big question about a year or two into the relationship, He was the love of my life.
So sorry you had to experience this. Please forgive yourself. The love of your life .. is YOU dear 💛☀️
Women we need to stand in our power 🔥
Very sorry to read this. I have had similar experience in the past. The problem we have is that we allow these terrible characters to dictate our future. As MH would say: the reality of your relationship is how they make you feel and not how you feel about them! We need to bury the past, open our hearts and move forward. The best is yet to come! Amen
You lived together and told HIM to move out. So brave. Probably why he never married a solipsistic woman.
It’s awful when guys use you as Ms Right Now and never tell you. They know pretty quickly into the piece whether they consider you marriage material or not. There should be the discussion at the beginning on opinions of marriage , children etc. then if you’re not on the same page you can make an informed choice on your next step.
I have the perfect partner - Mr Nobody. After many failed relationships I realised I needed to get me some personal growth. Now I’m in a great place in all areas and I realised I don’t actually need or want a partner. But I’m glad there are people who do want that because when it works it’s beyond beautiful.
I think avoiders are cowards mine was. He gave me crumbs time to time, he played hot and cold and he gave me enough hope so I felt hook up. It took me 2 years to realize that nothing will change. I left him 1 month ago
They fear the prospect of being vulnerable because they've never been there.
The day I learned to laugh at myself for making harmless mistakes was huge for me.
That’s how I felt, it’s cowardly behavior
I’ve showed up, being the energy,the love, the support, the understanding and all the package, courage and vulnerability, put the questions and tried to get the conversations, we were on the same page at the beginning then it started to wear off.. pulled away.. lack of meaningful exchanges.. heart to heart conversations to both become aware of defence mechanisms, auto pilot modes, .. avoiding everything basically.. this made me feel anxious and feeling I’m the only horse at this carriage.. more anxious because I did not understand what is happening..and here we are, in a avoidant-anxious relationship dynamic .. that I only now come to understand and become more aware of .. such a pity …
It is so beautiful to look at a man in love, glowing of contentment, happiness and peace. Congrats, Matt
SPOT ON, of course, about the avoider. I dated one of these people for the last 2 years long distance and when I finally gathered up the courage to ask for a commitment once I moved back he was like, "I'm super attracted to you, I love you, I love spending time with you, you're the most beautiful person but I just don't feel what I'd need to feel to commit more deeply." That was the end of that. I was absolutely the co-conspirator in wasting my own time for the exact reason you mentioned. It felt so good that I was afraid to ruin the party. I was also the rebound after his 11 year toxic relationship and I was a soft place to land. He never had to take time to really sit in his grief too deeply because I was a distraction from how much pain he was in. I knew better but after a 15 year friendship we'd both always been attracted to each other and I didn't hold my boundaries because there was so much buildup after all that time. And I played it way too cool the entire time. I asked for more communication but I didn't make it an ultimatum. Don't be me!
''I dated one of these people for the last 2 years long distance and when I finally gathered up the courage to ask for a commitment once I moved back he was like, "I'm super attracted to you, I love you, I love spending time with you, you're the most beautiful person but I just don't feel what I'd need to feel to commit more deeply."''
He was shagging another/other women at the same time he was shagging you!
No love there. A loving person won't waste your time or energy.
@@FarahThriscia not at all :) happy to share. I would’ve asked more directly. All I did was say, “hey I’m not available for a situationship, you mean more to me than that and we are more than friends with benefits so I need some clarity.” and he said, “Absolutely its more than that. I want you to know how important our connection is to me. I know I push you away but I do that with everyone I care about the most. I just know I’m not in a headspace to be able to show up for you the way I know you deserve and I don’t want to commit without intention and then end up hurting you.” Because he’d just gotten out of an eleven year relationship and I’d gotten out of an eight year one I was cool with just floating along. We’d been friends for fifteen years so I felt safe. He then told me he was a monogamy person and needed exclusivity to feel safe so I just ASSUMED and didn’t probe. I’d have advised a friend to ask very directly, “Are we exclusive and monogamous and do you see a future for us together.” I just kinda thought, okay, phew, sounds like we’re cool, because I was so attracted to him it was easier to just stay in fantasy. Maybe 9 months later after seeing him once or twice a month whenever I was in town, I said, I’d like to talk about a firm commitment, and that’s when he said he just didn’t feel enough to take it there.
@@FarahThriscia I know that’s a long answer and there’s a lot more but bottom line: whatever the question, it should be direct and then one must let go of the outcome. He’d told me he’s terrified of vulnerability and sweats and shakes about it so I didn’t want to be confrontational and make him feel anxious. I was way too passive. I catered too much to his avoidance and stayed stuck in my own fantasy world where I was like, “he’ll come around.” And just when it started to feel like we were getting closer and it was starting to feel like a real relationship, he was out.
What did he think the extra thing was that he needed to feel? Some people are just delulu about the whole fairytale romance thing
Dismissive avoidants want all the goods without having to commit to anything, even if this is mostly subconscious for them. There's all this talk about having empathy for people with dismissive avoidant attachment styles and taking it slow for them and giving them space, and we absolutely should do that but ONLY if they're actively working on their attachment style and have communicated and shown with action that they're moving towards more intimacy with you. The truth is, they like you, but not enough to follow through on plans. They like you, but not enough to officially ask you out. They like you, but not enough to respond to your texts (with the amount of time they stare at their screens while they're talking to you, do you really think they just missed your message?). They like you, just not enough. And you deserve better than that. For some reason it's hard to wrap your brain around the fact that a person can be a great human being and still be a really shitty romantic partner. You get sucked in my so many great qualities, but unless they are actively working on their intimacy issues it is not EVER going to happen. And Avidants are notorious for not wanting to work on their attachments styles. No amount of waiting will turn their breadcrumbs into a meal. There's a reason they keep bread crumbing you, and it' because it works. You keep nibbling it up when they string you along, so of course they're never going to give you more. And it's not because they're evil, but because they're too afraid to get close to you. And fear is a hard beast to tame when the person has no desire to do so. All the advice says that avoidants wish you knew that you relying on them for intimacy is too much for them to handle and it would be easier for them to get closer to you if you didn't rely on them so much. That's all great, but shouldn't we be encouraging them to work on becoming secure rather than convincing their partners to just want less than they deserve? I urge you to examine why YOU keep getting into relationships with the same type of person over and over again. Work on your own attachment issues and get out of your lack mentality for a second and realize that there is a whole world of people out there who would love the chance to love you, and many of them are secure. You don't have to got through this misery.
So well said!
Thank you, awesome comment! 💯😌♥️
Where were you when I was young and naive and needed this the most
Amen
More than likely: being young and naïve and therefore not searching for advice like this yet.
@@GidarGaming yes ,that too
This is how I approach my dating partners and this video is really affirming that I’m doing the healthy thing in my own vulnerability, openness, and need to ask important questions so that things are clear.
It’s scary and can hurt, though.
Same. Unfortunately, I end up alone most of the time bc men on apps are lowlifes looking for free sex and saying they're emotionally unavailable like it's a fuck buddy fast pass. Nope. I am not having it. Then the men who are genuine all want children. And as a woman, I want a childfree life. That but of info is a big hangup for me that i wish dating coaches would talk about. How to find a childfree partnership
@@bzrbuzzy When you go on your dating app, just make sure to put that in your bio upfront. That will weed out all of the "child wanting" partners. Say it with a little humor, but you can still say it and the people who feel the same will respond.
@@girlygirl1890 yes, i do :) many don't read it or don't care. They want to go out w me and their profile says they want kids... I'm like....why are you even messaging me?! 🤷🏽♀️
This can also happen to guys. I had a woman who was always postponing, and said "we need to wait". In the end I was ghosted. The explanation is always in their actions. Stringing someone along is never ok. But it's also our job to set them free once we smell the fish.
Of cours, it goes both ways. He talks about guys, because he coaches girls.
'' I had a woman who was always postponing, and said "we need to wait"''
She was shagging other men behind your back!
What does smell the fish mean? Can you explain the metaphor?
@@macflod ??? It's obvious. "smell fishy" in English. It means something is off about a person.
@@theguynextdoor4978 you mean see red flags like being distant?
I was in this kind of a relationship. Both of us agreed and wanted to take things slowly, however 6 mths in I did have the relationship conversation and was reassured he wanted a relationship, at one stage even suggesting we were in one at that point.
At 8months we have not progressed in time spent together, communication and he is now starting to pick at insignificant issues.
I felt he was now sabotaging the relationship and shortly there after he ended it.
He did me a massive favour.
No regrets it ended and I will be on the lookout for this person again.
I'm happy for you that it only took 8 months. I have heard horror stories of people in these situations for YEARS. You dodged a bullet, good on ya!
"suggesting we were in one" and clearly stating that you were both in a relationship are two very different things. It sounds like he was beating around the bush and you let him do it.
The more I listen to these kind of things, the more I realise that I have been an avoider all the time. And I avoided confrontation AND emotional connection. One came from fear of being alone, the other was fear of abandonment. Both fears lead to long, quite meaningless, relationships. Then I fought the fear of being alone, by choosing to be single for the past 4 years. Now I chose to date again, and all the fear of abandonment kicks in. It is SO uncomfortable and painful. I cried so much, I never have in my life, but I am seeking true connection. So started therapy and faced this shit. So yes, I can understand that dating an avoider is hard, being an avoider is hard too. But facing it does change everything. In fact I met someone really nice and we are officially together now. It still needs a lot if work, especially on my side, but I am in for it. The main reason I am writing this is... change is possible, BUT it is only possible, if we truly want to, with all of our heart and with pure intention. Then it is possible to get through it. And it is super healing as well.
Same, 4 years &, Growing Stronger in My Healing Journey ...of, Abandonment &, Being Alone. But, like you I've been Doing the Work on Self! You, Got This &, The Rest!!! Stay, Strong, Smart &, Resilient 🌬️🩵
@@isabellableu97thank you so much
Good for you 😌
I’ve seen this happening soooo many times… but it’s not worth it, we need to be brave and clarify things. Be brave and have the difficult conversations
do not react to the avoider avoiding or abandoning you. the only person who can abandon you is you....
This video is so timely! Here’s to avoiding the avoider. 👋🏼
The most dangerous person to be with is a person who is attracted to anyone and can easily fall in love with different people at same time. Someone with constant wandering eye.
Agreed
I am in this situation right now. It hurts so much. Thank you for your videos
I feel your pain💔
I was ghosted immediately after having that "difficult conversation" and thought we were on the same page. It was heartbreaking, especially when I was so excited to move forward with what I thought was a new understanding of our exclusivelty.
This has happened to me now times than I can count
I was too scared of the answer so didn't ask the question when we'd been dating 5 years. I just schlepped my overnight bag/next day's work clothes to his house each evening until one day I cracked and asked The Question. HE ABANDONED ME TWO DAYS LATER. So - 5 years of my life wasted on a relationship that was done in an instant - no explanation, no closure, nothing. (But I bet he's regretted it every day - ha ha!!!!).
Wow
I don't think he understands it fully otherwise he wouldn't drag your situationship for 5 years... he doesn't regret it. Yet
Ugh so relatable. You just get into this pattern of packing the bag and spending the night on a schedule for years but there’s all this ambiguity and lack of direct communication and every time you’re there you’re like, “okay I’m gonna say something this time” but then it’s so comfortable and dreamy you don’t want to ruin the mood so you chicken out. You tell yourself, “What am I worried about, he’s totally into me, it’s obvious, maybe I don’t have to make a big thing of it.” Then you’re like, oh, come on, if you don’t ask you’ll never get what you want and if you can get a firm answer you’ll feel so much better. But then you ask and he’s like, “you’re sexy and smart and beautiful and you’re so good to me and this is so fun but yeah, I’m looking for something different in the long run.” Take the bags back home!
Yup .I wasted years in two .no more .I won't do
I did TWELVE years ago…waiting on something that was never going to happen!! That was 30 years ago ..To this day I know he regrets his choice! Too late mate 🤪
This hits hard. After weeks i finally found the courage to speak up, the answer "lets be friends".
What a coward move. Played with your feelings and potentially took advantage. that's not a friend.
@@Deheck-b3p After only a few weeks and you immediately jump to "took advantage"? Maybe they just weren't feeling it.
I'm not looking for love, but was curious about the "dangerous person" to look out for if I was. I genuinely appreciate this talk on being an avoider. It's given me some really good insights. Namely, that if you are an avoider in one area of your life, you are likely to exhibit this same behavior in other areas and I am currently working on exchanging my running shoes for some hefty weighted boots that keep me firmly planted in place facing the challenges. It is a challenge of its own that requires consistent self-belief in your right to assert yourself, ask for what you want and strive to get your needs met when you are used to being invalidated or dismissed almost ritually. Thank you! 🌟
THIS. Thank you for explaining this. Not everyone is a narcissist! Most people are good just scared
This came to me at such a perfect time. I avoid because I’m afraid of feeling the rejection if he doesn’t feel the same
This video drops just in time. I have been dating an avoider for two months and he never showed any other intention beyond intimacy. I am ready to vanish in silence now. I am not interested in expressing or explaining what I really want because he could never give it to me.
Smart idea to do this when you are just a couple of months in. Best wishes.
You couldn't possibly know that after only two months, you're being avoidant by disappearing silently instead of opening up, imho anyway.
Ooorrr, you can just ask him if you see a future together. Communication is key… silence is manipulation
Communicate. Don't be conflict-avoidant, that's a big problem too.
You don't have to explain yourself, but ghosting isn't exactly a healthy idea. "It doesn't seem like we have the same goals and intentions. This isn't going to work out. I wish you the best."
Very true.
I ask the hard questions from the get go, it saves time and energy, although even when we ask questions, the other person can lie, but only for a while because the truth always surfaces. Be vigilant 🧐 and bring up any red flags 🚩
Yes! I weeded out the last guy I tried to date in under a month by giving myself full permission to ask hard questions and noticing how his actions held up against his words. It works! We're worth it ❤
Problem is, you can ask all the right questions but in the end their answers turn out to be lies. Just better not to trust anyone, ever. If you can’t keep yourself from trusting then just stay away from people. Yeah it’s a sad, unfortunate truth but the trade off - trusting someone will leave you with a broken heart. Trusting just isn’t worth the pain
These comments are giving me strength ❤
My takes to eliminate the negative candidates and attract the positive ones : 1) Heal your attachment style & deal with your trauma, whether it's from childhood or elsewhere. Securely attached, emotionally healthy people attract the same. 2) Pour into your interests and your life and allow the universe to bring you people that are aligned with your energy 3) Let men be the pursuers. Just trust me on this, the other way does NOT work. 4) Don't let a person disrespect you or disappear on you twice. If they violate your boundary or 'pull away,' they're as good as gone- move on. 5) Learn to really enjoy your own presence, and you will adjust your energetic frequency to attract people that can match you. 6) Worry about whether you're interested in them, not whether they're interested in you. 7) If a man is leaving you confused about his feelings, he is either not into you or not mature enough for a relationship. Let him go.
Hope this helps!
Just had the difficult conversation and ended a non-viable event. Not embarrassed at all, just incredibly hurt and angry that someone tried to use me this way. The avoidant not only avoids, they don't even recognize what they are doing and why it's wrong.
Just got out of the exact situation. Although I did start asking the questions early and put up with him telling me I was 'too much' and thought about relationships too seriously. I let him drag me along for another few months but finally called it 2 weeks ago. I'm annoyed with myself for not having healthier boundaries sooner but I'm taking it as another learning experience and will do my best not to repeat this again.
''I let him drag me along for another few months''
He drag you along for *months......while getting as much free s£x as possible ....,.,.*before you realised that was all he really wanted.
when we know better, we do better :)
Just ended a two-month situationship with someone who lead me on. I was pursued romantically, and when I started to develop feelings and bring up the conversation of exclusivity, they suddenly “weren’t ready for a relationship.” Which left me very confused because trhe whole time, their actions and words all felt like they wanted to be in a relationship with me.
It’s been a month since I last talked to them. It still hurts but after listening to this and reading the comments, I feel pretty proud of myself for communicating my needs and establishing what we were early on. It’s sad to think that people can let a “relationship” that doesn’t progress anywhere go on for years just because of the lack of communication of intentions. It’s especially difficult when you’re already emotionally invested in someone and you can just sense in your gut that it’s not gonna go anywhere, but you’re too deep in to bring it up.
Dating is complicated man. I wish I have the power to just give each person their soulmate.
Most dangerous perosn is someone who wants a FWB and u get sucked in and fall in love while he doesnt and u stick around praying he might suddenly "feel" love for you like you do....i wasted 2 yrs hoping be would suddenly ask me to be his.
I left. Still hurts.
This is soooooo true!!!! I gave myself a deadline for 40 days with an ⏰ reminder 😅 - it worked! I was brave and saved my time. 💯
10 years with a man. Completely abandoned me when I brought up marriage . 10 YEARS and GONE !!
Omg
If you wanted marriage, why on earth would you stay for that long? Were you teens when you met? That would be torture. Anything beyond 1- 1/2 yrs without talking about rings, etc. is a cue for me to bounce.
Yup, my ex abruptly scooted after ten years together. When I proposed after about 4 years together, she fucked that all up as well. She has BPD and self medicates with lots of booze. Ten years is no joke, especially in your 30-40's, and then they flake. Cruel is an understatement.
i'm so sorry 💛
He was dating other women. Guarenteed.
Just wanted to say I was an avoider in a relationship, and exactly after 5 months when I finally decided to let the guy know what I was missing, and I put my heart out there for him to listen and maybe give me something that I needed (and not just doing everything that I was hating just to please him), he listened and 5 days later he broke up with me. It hurt like hell, and still hurts to this day (it's been 4 years and I still think I was an idiot because I could have avoided the situation).... but, yup, my fear of rejection (which I knew it would happen as soon as I would open my mouth to say what I was feeling) kept me in silence for so long. This was such a great video because I've recognized myself in it going back to that time. I don't do it anymore, I've learned the hard way. Now, I see an emotional unavailable guy and although I try for a bit, I leave the situation but I say what I have to say. I leave before I get hurt (as I know I will be). And there it goes... I'm always alone.
Agreed. People dont realize when you play games the other person play games. When you dont play games the other person wont. And if they do, noq you know to leave them alone. Easiest way to find out to be honest
Lol your thumbnail had me trying to pick up that little hair off my screen..😂
I was in a SITUATIONship ….Without knowing it was a situationship. thanks for all your help doing so much better now 💯
This is so timely! My situationship over three years to a T. Only I was led on by asking these questions and him kinda (but not totally) telling me what I needed to hear. He was a very wounded bird, so I gave him so much slack and I just felt exactly how you explained in this video.. right down to playing cool. It was torture. Finally I pushed for answers, and he was busy, would not have a conversation around it so I kinda kept texting and finally heard back that I was too intense and my persistent messages were making him uncomfortable. I felt SO embarrassed, and was cringing at myself... but we were not aligned and I did need to be rejected like that because the entire thing was an enigma... it hurt most the time, I had anxiety, and was becoming so insecure. I did avoid knowing the truth, when I asked he avoided and I avoided moving on. When it ended I said I deserved to be treated better and he said I'm not treating you like anything! Um.. exactly! Now I know what a situationship is and it is a big waste of time.
I went through the same. So wounded he didn't even know how to behave in a relationship and
''My situationship over *****three****** years= You were just his side piece for three years. You knew exactly what he was doing so just get over yourself!
Just cut it off with someone after 2 weeks of texting on an app (sparingly on their part) as they consistently avoided answering my questions and love bombed me after a 5 day silence. Think i just dodged a glamorous narcissist as there were other incongruent things about them, just listen to your gut feeling.
It’s more likely to be the awful nature of modern online dating.
It brings an abundance of opportunity for both sexes, but hence means upsetting people when we decide who to meet in person.
People don’t want to upset others, so the conversation drifts off. It’s avoiding to a degree, but more down to a need to not upset.
I blame the tools in this regard.
I don't use dating apps whatsoever. However, I have been informed and I'm aware that dating apps are crawling with Narcissists & other toxic people looking for someone to use and "supply." I prefer to meet someone on real-life but, it hasn't been going so well. So many attachments styles, disorders and personality types, it's overwhelming.🙃
This is exactly what happened to me.....I stayed in a relationship which was really a situationship for 4 years with an avoidant person because I adored and loved him sooo much. Granted I did on a couple of occasions share what my boundaries were and lived in hope that he might eventually commit to me. He never acknowledged my boundaries however obviously enjoyed having me in his life. It was more a case of him thinking he could have his cake and eat it too with other options. So when I finally conjured up the guts to ask him for full exclusively, he refused. We were never on the same page although it did feel like we loved each other deeply. It was very confusing and disappointing to me. I felt like I'd been played, however did have some knowledge of him being a player in the past. I guess I was in denial.
Users and non committal men are pathetic
''This is exactly what happened to me.....I stayed in a relationship which was really a situationship for 4 years''
He was shagging other women behind your back and you knew it. However, you thought you could change the 'Bad' boy!
Going through a breakup with an avoidant who also exhibited signs of narcissism. I was very open from the beginning about what I wanted, and at first he said he wanted the same things. I was proud of myself for being vulnerable and having uncomfortable conversations with him, even though it caused him to grow very distant from me over time. I realized he was lying to me and dragged me along for a year. It's difficult right now, but I learned a lot from this experience and I will never accept this behavior from a partner again
Sometimes in the beginning, they will actually have the conversation. I set my boundaries in the beginning, and my ex fearful avoidant agreed to them. We were in an actual relationship until he expressed deep feelings. Then the avoidance tendencies began. His fears got the best of him. What caused me to ignore red flags was that he is basically a good person, "mr nice guy", just deeply wounded. And therefore dangerous.... NC forever for me.
this is sad. He had the strong feelings, expressed them, and then became afraid...wow
Matthew has just described my experience, I was raising all the questions about our state and after 11 months of being together he admitted he was lying about his feelings. This is dangerous especially when the time is so precious
Timely topic, thank you! In my long-time experience, any guy over 30 who strings along a woman, avoiding the relationship conversation but thoroughly enjoying the time together, has been called out on this before, and is now doing it knowingly and deliberately. There are guys out there, and women too from what I read on social media, who have such a fear of commitment and fear of "losing out" on future possibilities that they staunchly resist any conversation around 'where is this going'? If asked, they will make all sorts of excuses, like 'we're having such a great time, let's just see where this goes.' They know that any woman who buys this is a suitable candidate for a noncommittal relationship. Since they see themselves in a noncommitted relationship, be prepared to have the rug pulled out from under you at any moment when they meet someone new who strikes their fancy.
so well said. this is one of the shittiest aspects of the FWB set up, the guy is still dating and looking for a better option and when he finds the one he truly wants your FWB wraps up ASAP
Spot on! Afraid it will end if you have the conversation. I was just guilty of this. Wow.
It impresses me that after all this time MH can still come out with helpful, insightful new content.
I just ended something I was really hoping would be the real deal because she wouldn’t commit to me.. now granted we only spoke for 3 weeks but it wasn’t that I was begging for a relationship with her.. I was just asking multiple times and options to go on a genuine date. Of course, she blew me off 90% of the time and constantly said she was struggling with too much to focus on anything else. I supported her response and wished her the best but knew deep in my gut that it really was she wasn’t too interested and enjoyed my genuine feelings I had for her “attention”. It’s been 4 days since I went my own way and it hurts but I know I saved myself a lot of pain.
Saying "only go after what you want to marry" is easier said than done....
not everything has to be easy
So very true. You can get into many committed long-term relationships and know they're one you could be in forever or imagine a future with, you could have zero problems outside of a single key value such as respect or growth, but the question is, is it "the one" relationship you should or could truly be in forever?
What are the roadblocks you’re alluding to? Is it that you don’t know what kind of person you’d want to marry?
Exactly! He's talking utter nonsense! Men AND women want to have s£x with people that they do not want to marry .
It’s easy to discern when you have self respect but at the same time hard to find another you’re attracted to who shares that
There is an aprehension that a conversation like that would place undue pressure. I don't know if i want butterflies anymore. I am drained
It sounds like you do not want to "bother" this individual which is honorable in a way, but doesn't the uncertainty you are required to exist within create worries or "bother" _YOU_ at varying times, and isn't that a pressure of its own and a burden that you assume in the interest of not placing "undue pressure?" Don't you deserve peace of mind too? Do you even feel you deserve or have a right to receive answers to your questions or things you may be wondering about like where you stand with the individual? Do you feel you could survive and make the pivots necessary for your own well-being if the answer is not what you would hope or expect? Or the reverse - do you feel concerned about being able to uphold the standards or sustain the commitment required if the answer was a form of _"yes"_ indicating deeper pair bonding?
You chased the Chads and now you've awoken. Im a dude. Your story is common. Lol
I really liked this quick chat Matthew! How you identified the 'avoider' and the danger of dancing with one another, when in fact, you want more. I honestly had my mind enlightened on this one. 😊 Thank you so much! Super appreciate you!
Ive been avoiding conflict with my current partner for way too long. Wake up call 😮
Its the worst but You got this girl , we only have one life so dont waste yohr time with the wrong people ❤
i had a love that just kept me on the hook . i sailed away
That's all so right. Avoiders are a plague in dating. I've learned to know them and do away with them. By the way can't wait to read your book, I've pre-ordered it!
''Avoiders are a plague in dating'' Thy are not ''dating'', they're getting free s£x until people like you get fed up.
This video is exact. I’m 42 finally learning to be vulnerable and to ask the questions because I didn’t want it to end. Only now realizing I was an playing the avoidant dance too. 🤦♀️ Not afraid of anything ending anymore. ❤ But I still wouldn’t play with someone’s heart like that.
Years later in different circumstances and people are different... you still hit me to my core. Thank you for this ❤😊
The past does not have to equal the future in this area. Thank you Matthew 😍
It requires some pain to feel that its more painful to abandon yourself than leaving the avoidant partner.
For a very long time I thought I'm the mad one. This explains things which I suspected about my patterns of choosing men. No more disrespecting myself.
Every time I need to hear something, it’s always here! Thank you
My last boyfriend did this. I tried to initiate these conversations, but he avoided them, often giving me enough of a breadcrumb that I could run with, but not fully giving an answer or being honest. He involved my daughter in his stringing me along, and hurt my career and friendships in the process with his cheating. I’m having a hard time ever wanting to trust again.
THANK YOU FOR THIS VIDEO! I think too often we waste our time on people who haven't done anything "wrong," when they also haven't done anything right -- Just because we're afraid to start modeling the behavior we want and committing to our standards. A lack of glaring red flags isn't the same as an abundance of green flags.
I really needed this video. I'm due to have a difficult conversation with this girl I've been seeing and I've been afraid to have it because it will essentially open the possibility of things ending. But it is necessary to talk about. I think staying in a relationship that is a dead end is worse than being single and looking.
When is the next training? I just spent 6 months thinking a man actually cared about me in a way that he didn't. I now have a new awareness of what I want & deserve in a relationship.
When do you think is the right time to ask the question "what are your intention"? Is it when both the party know each other well or when both are just starting to know each other
So great, thank you! I have been one of those who have been terrified to ask the hard questions. I can't continue with that behavior. Thank you for being so respectful and caring about these painful behaviors that both men and women exhibit. It seems like so much of it just boils down to being honest with oneself and the other person and communicating with them.
Thank you Matt. You've helped me realise that my relationship is going nowhere x
This video actually helped me after going through a rough break-up with an avoider. I’ve never felt such a connection before, but it was an elusion. People pleasers that also are avoiders are dangerous. They’re doing stuff for you that they don’t want to, make you feel comfortable with your own behavior, even avoid the talk when you think to feel something’s off. I feared the outcome of our talk that lead to break-up, because that was a serious possibility. But I’m glad for myself that I did. It avoided, pun intended, a lot of long-term pain and unhappiness.
This video helped me see that I did everything right. I knew who I was and what I wanted and loved my self enough to step up for myself.
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12:40 interestingly for us it was the other way around. Because they did never tell me what they needed I felt bad about it. Not because I ignored what they needed, I asked a lot of times, but because they didn’t tell me. And I was standing there, feeling bad and saying „I didn’t know you felt this way.“ I gotta look into what that is about.
If after 6-12 months of dating they STILL dont know if they want to spend the rest of their life with you, its time to move on. It takes two seconds to fall in love.
''It takes two seconds to fall in love'' No it doesn't!
@@tonyadams8812maybe for man , for woman it’s not like that
It takes two seconds to figure out if youre interested.
Love, for men seems to start out at the top, and gradually fall as he uncovers the skeletons in the closet of his love interest.😂
-man
What??!
Biggest waste of time is searching for love outside of yourself. Feel and nurture the love you have inside, for yourself, people, nature, art, animals, life itself. Then you might meet the people or things that are in connection with us.
such wise advice. I am 44 and have never had partner love in my life... but the validity of other types of love is a beautiful thing just in a different way
The ‘ambivalent’ relationship is a special hell of its own. Rejection sucks but its better than purgatory. You have everything so close, you can smell it, yet you can’t get have it. Narc, BDPs and sociopaths live in this kind of world. It will ruin you. Do not engage. They only way to put an end to Hookup culture or not be burnt by it is by having brutally, cut the bullshit boundaries. It is very hard. But the alternative is misery.
5 years.
Our intentions were not aligned.
We were avoiding the conversation.
Wow. I lost everything because I assumed they were committed to me on the same level. But they left. It got a little rough & they probably got scared & just left.
I’m dying
So well said, & exactly what I just went through! Thanks for the eye opener, Matthew. I knew I was avoidant, but didn't understand why.❤
No matter wich topic you discuss, it always reminds me of my friendships, not my relationships
This is very true! As a man I think women are way better communicators (in general) but many times don't speak straight to the point...the very important points...and they should!
after 1 year and half I finally asked her what are we and when I got rejected I was reliffed I sensed a heavy lift out of my chest I ended a situationship so I was free but there was one question did it worth all this time waste ? maybe yes because I learned so much in this way thank you Matthew Hussey
This Is exactly what happened tò me. After a Little more than One year, I had to ask and the answer was so disappointing I had to leave. Never making that mistake again.
Same after one year I had as Matthew said a emotional explosion, just talking about everything that she did to hurt me. Then she turned it on me saying how happy she was till I said those things and that she can't forgive me, "for telling the truth about our relationship" she left and thank GOD because I could never bring myself to leave someone I love(She leaving me was probably the last act of kindness she could do for me 'or change'). I truly commend you for having the insight of leaving someone like that I wish I hade the guts earlier, it would have saved allot of sorrow.
You were just his bit on the side , and you knew it!
If it’s not working out in a relationship, I don’t think it’s either at fault. If it doesn’t work out it wasn’t meant to be.
One thing seems missing in all those conversations. 5 years, 2 years whatever the time you spent with that person is not missing! You enjoyed the time otherwise you wouldn’t afraid of missing him.
Time wasters will make it sure to take your time. As for me, i just give them 3 months. Even if they are good people, there are people who are " confused" with what they want.
If after that, a man has no " clear plans" if he wants to be in a relationship with me...
I understand.
Let's have the conversation, closure then end it. I have to move on from that 3 months.
This is so true and good rule you have ☺️
I am struggling to meet anyone I'd date in my 60s.
@@musicdesign7264 people in age 60's still date as well. Pls go to dating website. Even 60 yr old people date there
This is so good! My last relationship was with a good guy who didn't have a plan for me in his life, for us. When I brought up the topic, he broke up with me 5 days later. Very good man, just didn't want the more meaningful relationship I'm ready for. I miss him dearly. But, he made his choice...
@@OM-1111asking what are his plans for you works all the time
I recently dated this person who had an avoidant attachment style. He started extremely vulnerable, and then shut down in a matter of weeks. Going from: I love you, to: I don't have any feelings. I hadn't dealt with this before, but I did everything right. I modelled the right behaviour/energy (which he did seem to appreciate). But I was also brave, and asked the difficult questions. We disconnected, which I think was the right thing to do, but why did it feel so bad? Is it because you have to get used to it?
It hurts when you break a strong connection with anther human, but you grow and it does get better. I recently had to disconnect from an avoidant partner with whom I spent 1.5 years with trying to figure out which side, the push or the pull, was her real personality. Be thankful you haven't invested that kind of time in an avoidant as it is extremely draining emotionally and can make you doubt your own ability to attach because after awhile you can slip into their kind of behavior as a defense mechanism. You will feel better and there will be people out there who genuinely want to connect and have the emotional intelligence and ability to do so.
@kzmademe1099 thank you, and I'm sorry you had to deal with that.
I think we as humans operate on ego alot more than we realize. Maybe you feel as if you as a person are being rejected. Yet it's not something is wrong with you but this is an issue this other person has and they haven't worked on it. They aren't capable of giving you what you expect, and you are right in having expectations and standards.
@jazmingomez2011 thank you, it was a very confusing experience.
@@MarjoleinKeijser I'm sure. I went through something similar. So I learned the lesson. We aren't always seen as valuable in certain places, so we have to place ourselves where we are valued
Bang on time!! I just ended the party 😄 Glad i have always followed this channel!! Thanks a trillion ❤
If you spend a lot of time with someone and it doesn't go anywhere, it's a sign that there are important lessons to learn. Don't rush or ignore these lessons. If you do, you might make the same mistake again.
Even if you watch these videos hundreds of times, your strong emotions will still guide you more than anything else.
Until the lesson is learned.
We don't grow emotionally based on time, like a clock ticking, but rather when we learn and understand our emotions better through experience and self-reflection.
It‘s very interesting. I feel that I‘m avoidant, too. And if I notice the status quo isn‘t changing, I also don‘t want to ask the question, but immediately abandon ship.
Well I agree with what a lot of people have said this, it doesn’t ever start bad. I have asked what are you looking for I’m looking for long term and they say yes that’s what they are looking for also. I asked them to even make me promises not to cheat and not to ghost. Everything goes good except she couldn’t tell me she loved me but she said she shows it by actions. I did really like her so went along with it. A year and a half in she finally says she loves me. One week after she is able to tell me she loves me she cheats on me then ghosted me telling me that she loved me less than 2 days ago. wtf? I lost my mind.
Thank you, Matthew, so much for your videos! I have been watching your TH-cam channel for a while and what you said had really helped me to change my perspective and turn my life around. Something clicked in my brain and I realised that I was miserable in my situation shop and didn't want to put my energy there anymore. Pure luck or change of mindset but now I am in very happy, commited relationship and I am convinced that your advise played big part in that. Thank you!
Women like you knowingly got into a ''situationship'' with men who you damn well know only wante s£x with you. And then when you *finally accept that Mr 'lover' boy doesn't want you full time you call it quits.
I am in this position 4 years… it never changes..
Very true and accurate...been there done that Red Flags from the first week, having studied psycology due to my career in Advertising, narcissists buy into ads...but my long distance relationship is dead - i cut it off, similar to what you describe
you need to communicate to them your concerns be understanding and control your emotions and stop wasting months playing games. Shows maturity & strength to be clear with your intentions. You can play games and ignore people but I find it doesn’t work to get quality men/women.
Mathew, such a great video and work for a variety of situations it’s a way to live life. I love how slowly and carefully you explained it and your accent always makes it nice lol.❤
I like watching these videos I've learnt so much from this guy he explains things so well and he has helped me see the truth . I'm the kind of woman who wears her heart on her sleeve like so many others out there . Thanks Matthew you have helped Me think before jumping into another romance disaster . I get what you say I tend not to have that conversation with a guy because I'm afraid to hear that they are not thinking of the future just for now.
After two years of being with a man my sons and I loved dearly, I asked the hard questions and needed to establish what we were a year ago. He did exactly what you said he would “oh I thought you didn’t want to get married again” when he knew all along deep down I did.. I just needed time. He kicked the can for months.. saying he needed more time to think about it.. during that time I felt the pain, the loss, the distance and the truth that he wasn’t choosing us. He finally admitted he had no desire to be a father to my boys (even though he said he would be all in with them from the start) and that he had no desire to marry again and went on his way, completely discarding me and my boys like we never existed 💔 lesson learned to establish boundaries of what you are looking for- from the start so there’s no difficult conversations or tremendous heartbreak later.
oh God... that's so hard.
Wishing you and your boys the best...! 💛
Never expect a man to be a step-dad. Just be a great mom. I'm a dude. The guy was wrong to Future Fake, but you need to forget finding a step-dad.
@@GUITARTIME2024 i think you are missing the point. She desires marriage. So that necessitates the correct partner being a step dad.
I modeled energy ALOT in my last relationship...I called it "Leading by example..." Hoping she would pick up on it and reciprocate...she never caught on...frustrated the hell outta me...
Wow this is amazing for anyone to listen to for any type of relationship in their life.
Here is the one part I am not sure about, if u ask someone the hard questions about ur relationship w them and they are already playing games w u there is no way to trust the answers they give u.
"... and they are already playing games w u there is no way to trust the answers they give u". My question is: why r u still unsure?
@@iDKonic128 I am addressing his point about asking the hard questions. There is no point asking the hard questions to someone who is mucking you about bc they are not ppl who answer the hard questions honestly. Or if you are uncertain about them you wont trust the answer anyway.
@@eliadvo then I agree with you 👍
First time in my life I put myself truly first and brought up the difficult conversation on Saturday to someone who loves mixed messages lmao. She was one incredible girl but she didn't appreciate my action and that resulted in a total loss of her from my life. Sucks. But, I accept it.