Should you talk to women you're dating about the struggles you, like all men, experience in the dating market? www.patreon.com/posts/patreon-should-70777314
So one big problem Alex is. In confrontation both people will feel this way and be this way to some extent. It's important to differentiate abuse and just perspective. Be careful in not being like feminists and just enabling men (as they do women) in just breaking up Keep in mind most men are low quality and believe they are high quality.
In my experience women are far, far more likely to abuse their partner than men. Women’s abusive behaviour tends to be more ‘under the radar’. Things like the silent treatment, stopping you seeing friends and family, gaslighting, or stopping the father seeing the children if the relationship ends. Not all abuse is violence.
If men choose not to be physically violent, they can act in the same malicious way. Men can be cruel too. A snickering cynical remark can destroy a whole relationship.
@@tomaszsosnowski9279 they definetley can, but more often are the victims of it, since its the weak ones who will be manipulated into providing more for his woman
I grew up with a mom and 2 sisters who had all 5 of these traits. By age 15, from observing the family dynamics of some close friends, I could see something was wrong with my home. My dad was a workaholic, so he wasn't around much; but he died in an accident when I was 18. So, I threw myself into school, sports, and 2 jobs all through high school as a way to get out of the house. I never dated a girl in high school, mostly out of the dread of introducing someone to my family. Once I got in college a group of awesome guys took me under their wing became excellent examples for me of confident masculinity. Also in college, I met a gorgeous blonde from the south of Sweden. She was level-headed, minimalist and nothing like the women in my family. We married in June of 2009 and have 4 kids now. My mom and sisters are completely out of my life now. It's possible to get away from toxic, abusive people and build new, healthy relationships.
Though it took me over 30 (33) years of marital abuse to recognise it, and a terrible destructive divorce with several suicide attempts, I did recover and recognise retrospectively just how abusive my wife had been. Don't be me... don't let your heart override your head, nor programming overrule rationality. Another excellent video from Alexander... that I wish had been available all those decades ago.
@@TomNook. I've seen alot of men suffer due to naive expectations they have of themselves due to TV. Its hard to know something is wrong without the head space to be able to criticaly think about it. I mean if you're a nice guy and doing good things you would assume that a good relationship would come from that but if you don't call woman out on there bullshit you will create a monster.
@@TomNook. Not so... we had children and an extended family. If one believes that a happy marriage with kids is the default, any 'problems' appear to need a cause, and through manipulation this can be used against you (as described in the video). I hated my life (hence the numerous suicide attempts)... but like all men believed, if the marriage fails, you have failed as a man. This is what kept me there... this and my kids. To assume someone needs to have this disposition is dangerous as it suggests that only 'victim' men are prone to this abuse. This is NOT true. We are all prone to it, due to several factors such as societal norm, children, image and self-image, and lack of foresight. In my day, divorce was just not an option
The same happened to a friend of mine. She tore him down to nothing, then divorced him. He was a mess. He told me they went 7 years without sex. That's extreme abuse in itself. After the divorce, she immediately jumped onto eHarmony. Now she's remarried and he's still picking up the pieces.
Here is a sample script on how to deal with manipulative gaslighting people like this: 1. Witholding "I'm ending things with you, goodbye." 2. Trivialising "I am ending our relationship" 3. Denial "You cannot deny the end of our relationship has come" 4. Diverting "What's this new thing, it's the end of our relationship" 5. Stereotyping "This is such a typical manipulative response, time to manipulate myself out of this relationship". Abuse ends with use, use leaving them behind. The most important person in your life is you, look after yourself.
You just described 90% of women of today.... This why men are checking out of any need to have a relationship with a woman! We're tired of the grief and the pain women bring to the table.
The issue is cohabitation and hanging out too much. Have sex and go on dates. Otherwise, just ignore them. I'm serious. It is this simple. Don't become emotional with women. Why are you talking about your emotions with her or allowing her to gaslight you? You're spending too much time with her. Cohabitating is the lie. Romantic vacations are the lie. There is a culture in rural China which lives this way and they are way happier. The men live in their own homes and just come over at night for sex. They fix things around the village and help with farming while the women raise the kids and do everything else including butchering the animals. We should adopt this style of living. It's way healthier.
The 5 tactics: 1. Witholding : Intentional and unwillingness to acknowledge the importance of the male contribution. Intentional witholding of gratitude or praise. If she were to give either, it would prevent her from being able to play a victim. 2. Trivializing: Belittling the achievements, contributions, or emotions you're giving or feeling. Imagine you voice anger or fear with somthing that means something to you, and she just dismisses it. This is a form of mental and emotional control. For the girls trying to relate: An easy example is your boyfriend during a potential breakup says "Leave me for who? Look at you! Who would possibly want someone like you?" 3. Denial: Refusing to acknowledge actions or attitude a woman engages in. This is the truest form of Gas-lighting, and Alex argues is the darkest and worst. This is abusive, because on a psychological level it takes men already prone to abuse (otherwise they'd just leave the relationship when treated this way), and warps the perception of reality causing second guessing. She's effectively sacrificing your sanity for her comfort, and that's evil. 4. Diverting: Intentionally changing the topic to something else, with ill intention of either confusing, muddying the water, or discrediting your argument. This can be compared to "strawmanning" in logical fallacy use. By attacking something else, she's setting the stage in a way that she can win the argument, when in actuality the thing you're discussing is not the original important topic. If you don't correct this, she's doing it because she thinks you're too stupid/simple to argue. It's as simple to correct as saying "No that has nothing to do with you XYZ'ing me. Stop trying to manipulate the topic. Be responsible. Don't act like a coward." Eventually she'll stop doing this knowing it won't work, and instead probably just stop talking to you all together, but if you choose to keep her in a relationship long enough for this to happen, then you're in a bad spot, bro. You should've already left her. 5. Stereotyping: Uses negative male stereotypes against a man to try to divert from the conversation or topic. Nice guys are most suseptible to this, because they already internalize the feeling that being masculine is wrong, so when guilt-topics are signalled, they tend to fold. Instead, keep the topic about her, and YOU, not men, not your race, not any other stereotype. If you keep it about YOU, then she'll respect you a microscopic bit more than not (not by much. This type of absive woman doesn't respect anything other than herself by default). Watch the video entirely, because Alex does a good job giving examples and being somewhat non-biased on the topics. Note lots of what I commented above is not just Alex's points, but also some comments I included, and those do not represent him.
The issue is cohabitation and hanging out too much. Have sex and go on dates. Otherwise, just ignore them. I'm serious. It is this simple. Don't become emotional with women. Why are you talking about your emotions with her or allowing her to gaslight you? You're spending too much time with her. Cohabitating is the lie. Romantic vacations are the lie. There is a culture in rural China which lives this way and they are way happier. The men live in their own homes and just come over at night for sex. They fix things around the village and help with farming while the women raise the kids and do everything else including butchering the animals. We should adopt this style of living. It's way healthier.
I briefly (about three months) dated a woman who did that trivializing thing every single day. I consistently called her out on it. I would tell her she did such and such thing, and then she would roll her eyes or wave her hand or whatever. I would then tell her that she's literally trivializing my emotions and if I did the same thing to her she wouldn't let me hear the end of it. Again, hand wave and eye roll. Every single time I saw her this would inevitably happen. And what's more, she was rather sensitive and would often misinterpret things I said and hold it against me. I would say to her "reapeat back to me what I just said word for word" and she wouldn't be able to do it. What's funny is we were hanging with her parents one time. I overheard her dad say to her mom "that's not what I said!" And I said to her "hey, that's what you do to me!"
Any women that “roles their eyes” at you or even behind your back does not respect you and without respect there is no relationship. Just walk away as fast as you can. I have learned this through personal experience and from the experiences of other men.
My ex did 4 out of 5 of these things. The examples of withholding statements typed in the video i have seen her type and heard her say more times than i can count. Going forward im never going to continue dating a chick if she acts like she doesnt understand english whenever im holding her accountable for her actions.
After watching this video, I hugged my girlfriend extra hard when she came home from work today. I grew up with an older sister that displayed some minor forms of these behaviors, so I know just how fortunate I am to have found a partner who doesn't do any of the things you described. I recognized her for the special person that she is because you taught me what to look for in a partner. Thanks Alex.
I used to be a very emotionally abusive partner to my ex, especially with withholding, and I believe many women are. I've managed to improve dramatically by going to therapy, and by being very honest with myself about WHY I felt the need to emotionally control my partner. I highly encourage women to seek therapy for these issues.
@@everythingisupsidedown9593 It's not in their best interest to 'heal' patients... Easier to keep them as their patient, as they feel familiar with them - after all, they know a lot about their patients... It's like buying friendship.
@@everythingisupsidedown9593 - I have had three female therapists in my life, and they all helped me to see my previous behavior was toxic. Your mileage may vary.
@@RachelRichards Only God can. Female therapists 99% of the time explain away female behavior. Unless you are Born Again of the Holy Spirit you are still doing 'toxic' just in a different way. I wish you well!
I lived that emotionally abusive life with a woman from April 2010 until January 2020. I was 25, she was 21 going on 22 when we got together. She did a lot of covert abuse tactics. I was wet behind the ears, not being experienced much when it came to relationships. For her, I wasn’t her first, far from. Hindsight is 20/20. She was toxic within 3 months together. But, I put it down to a one off, to me being overly sensitive etc etc. I had no idea about things like: emotional abuse, gaslighting, Reactive Abuse, Goal post shifting, double standards, emasculation, Wolf Whistling, Withholding/ neglect, Jekyll vs Hyde syndrome, Sociopath, Narcissistic BPD, Triangulation and Parent Alienation. I realised I was enduring and had lived this with her, but during the time, I couldn’t put my finger on it to describe what she was doing, I just felt frustrated, confused and defeated. I thought I was the problem for a long time. I did look into things and seek help. Still things were out of my control, as she would antagonise and belittle frequently. Then I came across, NPD. This took me down a revealing rabbit hole, Covert Narcissism triggered more and more realisations as she slotted right into that bracket. I spoke to sources, sharing experiences, seeking clarity and understanding, and repeatedly they would try and tell me, she is a Malignant Covert Narc. I denied this, thinking it wasn’t quite right. Until things came up again and again, getting worse and worse, and I had to finally admit what she was. It’s a life experience I wish I had known about before I endured what I did with her for nearly ten years. I had no education before I got with her in this mental minefield. It truly was a trial by fire.
Yeah, when you're in the eye of the storm it's really difficult to recognise the full extent of what's going on and I also tended to reflect on myself instead of the bigger picture. Healing after the breakup must have been really difficult. I wish I was more aware of these issues as well but hopefully it means in future I'll have the maturity to call out toxic behaviors potentially improve as a couple. I've been watching 'Jessica Dufour NLP' here on TH-cam, she has a really insightful channel about how these dynamics emerge from childhood and people can move from an insecure disorganised attachment style to a secure attachment style.
@@thenarrator1984 I’ve got ideas on this. In my experience after dealing with woman who are mums, gran parents, so 30, 40, 50, 60 etc, I’ve often found them to be experienced, yes, but they have the mental maturity of a 12 year old. It’s alarming. It’s like they don’t mature past a certain age, and are stuck in an almost brat childish mindset. I do think men do take longer to mature, but keep on growing and maturing as they get older.. Whereas woman seem to plateau at a younger age mentally.
@@ZFosterZ Women have x2 speed of maturity, but they got a lower level cap for it basically. It's because men can develop logic and reason to a much higher extend, while women get more in touch with feelings. It's just that logic and reason are slower developed skills, so men who are 25 are much more mature than they were at 18, and even bigger difference to 35 - 45
It’s highly narcissistic…my ex wife acted out a lot of these traits. I can honestly speak as a man who’s gone through starting my life over at 40 just how much picking the wrong partner can indeed ruin your life. I’m 8 years removed from that situation and still trying to get back to where I was.
Denial might be the most infuriating to me. This happens not only with my girlfriends but weirdly my older sister. I'll be helping our handicapped dad with something and she'll stand off to the side and say "you're not doing anything!" while I'm holding up 200 pounds of dead weight. And all I'll say back is "what do you mean, not doing anything?" And she'll shoot me this sarcastic look and go, "uhh, no I didn't say that" Ugh
immediatley say "dont say $ish like that to me" because either way she feels you are wrong or you are right, you have set a boundarie thats ay dont do it at all with me... ever
She is telling you that she doesn’t think you are doing much if anything and that’s what she really thinks and probably what she says to everyone she complains to.
Invite her to lift the object. I’ve carried massive weight in furniture. If they think I’m doing nothing, I invite the to lift it up. Most won’t even try. But if they still criticize, it’s all them now. They carry the furniture or it stays where I leave it, outside on the curb. Physical results are factual results. Data cannot lie, and that’s her pathetic pencils snapping under extreme weight.
I'm starting to think that most women could be sociopaths. Maybe even psychopaths. There are many similarities between the two but the main difference is that psychopaths are born that way but sociopaths are created.
Recently I've realised that my mum never directly complements, encourages or helps celebrate my efforts and achievements in life. The best I get is a lack of criticism when I do well or achieve personal success.
I’ve only see a handful of your videos recently, as my wife and I have been going through this. After years of me making “progress” I looked back and saw that none of my complaints has ever once been acknowledged or worked on. Not once. I have lost every battle in my relationship to four of these five tactics and I can’t thank you enough for helping me to understand more clearly what I’m experiencing. I surely feel less alone.
I remember the nursery rhyme from when I was a young child. "Girls are made of sugar and spice and all things nice, Boys are made of dogs and snails and poppy dog tails...." Social conditioning on men to always view women in the most favorable light starts early in life. It leads many men not wanting to see any malign intent in women and tolerate behavors they would not accept in a male counterpart.
@@everythingisupsidedown9593 The thing about that anything you can do I can do better is that it is from Annie Get Your Gun, about Annie Oakley who had a freaking ability with guns. But that is so rare an ability that no-one can generalise from it.
Women have something you want, like a boss with a paycheck. When your boss tells you to do work that you are over qualified for, or complete personal tasks for them, unrelated to the business, sometimes people don't recognize this as abusive behavior. Similarly, women can put you in situations they shouldn't, but you ignore that behavior because they have something you want.
Oli, never forget that you also have something she needs. She either changed her abusiveness or you abort mission. Easy! Same with the job: start looking for something else. Never think you have nothing to offer or that you don't deserve better, brother!
Excellent video! It's all true. I pointed out to my girlfriend that what she was saying was the exact opposite of what she had said 2 minutes earlier. She told me I was living in the past! Women absolutely refuse to be held accountable for what they say or do.
This is a pretty neat summary of my 12 years marriage (with a single mom). Thanks, I whish I have known all this 14 years ago. Would have saved me so much trouble and health.
Thank you Alex from the bottom of my heart and soul. 17 years sent me to some dark places and her gaslighting has turned friends and family against me…. Now I’m all alone and left wondering what happened, and you just gave me justification and clarity.
Trivializing is the one I have experienced the most. Especially from my mother and 4 sisters. As a child, I was wrong about everything and even as a man, my opinion was always "not a big deal" or "you're exaggerating". They wonder why I never come around anymore... Last time I was visiting with family, I gently disagreed with a sister's opinion about the 2A (US) and was sneered at, and even aggressively charged by an overweight sister as if she was going to assault me. I'm a 220 lb, muscular 40 year old man, and she assumed that I would do nothing. Of course I didn't do anything but just left, because had I even defended myself I would've immediately been "over the top" or "out of control". Now when my sisters visit my parents and they want me to bring my kids over and hang out, I just ask, "well, what if I say something she doesn't like? I can't accept the risk or liability presented by my sisters' actions." Don't even get me started about my ex wife...
Sounds like my sister. She's the most vile person I've ever met. Always degrading me in public and mocking me with her coworkers. When my ex first met my sister she told me later thar my sisters need to undermine everything I said and put me down constantly made her mad.
Honestly, assuming you’re the type of well-adjusted, righteous guy, (the type of person he usually refers to as “High Quality”) finding a stable, secure, and happy relationship is ultimately down to you vetting well, but 90% of "the search" is simply down to dumb luck. Alex wouldn't disagree with the fact that, for men, finding a partner is way harder than it is for women. The vast majority of women would obviously say the opposite, but objectively speaking, trying to get AND keep a man happy is child's play compared to trying to get and keep a woman happy. But the thing is is that even if you are a "high quality man", lot's of women can be chameleons (I find that and many other terms like it quite cringy by the way lol). They may do certain things, or say they like something more than they actually do in attempts to convince themselves that they are attractive to the man they want whilst also trying to lure him in. And then one's he's committed to her, she doesn't do those things any more. Basically what some would call the "bait and switch". Some women are better chameleons than others, and some can be a chameleon for longer durations of time. Some women may make retorts like "what about the men who go back on their word" or "well, what about men who are players?" or "what about the men who lie to get women". What most women don't realize is that most men are decent, average guys, just like how most women are average. And most guys are not going to blatantly lie to them to try to get a one night stand (which most men can't do as effortlessly as women think anyways. Also too many average women turn their noses up at average guys) These men who tend to be players usually BLATANTLY lie, whereas chameleons may actually convince themselves that they like what the man they find attractive also likes, but as soon as they get commitment from the guy, they may slowly stop doing said thing without even consciously realizing. On a side note, I find it funny we consider women to be the more "socially aware" between the two sexes, and the sex with a better "BS detector". But, they always manage to just "stumble" into relationships with players, abusers, and with men they shouldn't have been involving themselves with (oftentimes while turning down the hardworking, decent guy). Neither sex has a monopoly on "social awareness" when it comes to relationships. On another side note, women tend to bring up these type of guys who are players because, unfortunately, those are the men they tend to have eyes for. Also I’m curious what other people think. There's an argument to be made that the vetting process for men is harder than it is for women, not only because of the aforementioned point about chameleons, but also it is generally easier to spot a man who isn't good for you than it is a woman. I say that because women tend to be attracted to men with Dark triad type traits while men tend to be attracted to women who are the opposite of those traits. Dark triad traits are certainly not conducive to a healthy relationship, so seeing a man who displays those should be a large warning sign for women. But they are usually drawn to it, and sometimes will flat out admit that a guy is no good for them but they chase after him anyways. However, it's harder to spot the red flags in someone who is portraying themselves as “sweet” or “kind” and/or “innocent”, words that are not really associated with the Dark Triad personality (if not considered as the opposite). So, there isn’t as much of a “warning sign” for men to spot, or at least not as easily. And even though it may be a stretch, given that women tend to be drawn to traits like that...could it be argued that the characteristics that men tend to be drawn to in women are more conducive to forming healthy relationships, as opposed to women being drawn to traits that "badboys" have, which most psychologically healthy and moral men (and women) don't display.....just food for thought. Another point I wanted to make is that regardless of whether a man is "high quality" or not, any woman, if she feels like she "Isn't happy anymore" (a statement usually made in a marriage) or is just vindictive, can destroy him emotionally (especially if they have children together), financially (usually when married), and socially (harming his reputation). Of course not every woman would do this (or even some of the things I mentioned in the first paragraph), but every woman can, and many of them do. One last point, to be fair, I didn’t watch the whole video where Alex talks about his family, more specifically the relationship with his girlfriend, who I believe he said he met at a young age and has been with for quite some time now, so I could be getting this wrong. But, I think because of his relationship success and ability to find a “high quality woman” it sort of skews his perception a bit. There’s really not at all many "high quality women" out there, and I think the number of them are even smaller than he’d care to admit. As ironic as what I am about to say may sound, considering the title of this video and the topics of most of his other videos, I think Alex can sometimes get caught up in ideals and what "sounds good" rather than how people (especially women) actually are. By no means am I trying to say that there are no happy, long lasting relationships. I've seen some.....probably like less than 5 (lol). But through this long rant (which originally wasn't supposed to be one lol) I was basically just trying to state how finding these types of relationships are, yes, down to vetting well, but a large portion of it is just sheer dumb luck.
That was bit harder to read from phone but you are correct with your observation and pointslpp Keep your points concise and precise to the point to avoid long paragraphs especially your first big paragraph If you end up needing long sentences then break these sentences and paragraphs to sizeable chunks depending on context Reality is a complex problem where most people don't have answer/solutions to their problems in our case romance , love and relationships because of lack of information or experience Honesty and open true information should free us from difficult problem of reality in relationships eg it would be better if we had info of x persons cheating rate, body count and behaviour before relationship are started because it is waste of time to deal with people with negative stats compared to positive stats but these infos are hard to get right now which will change in the future and this will bring game changer rules to future of modern dating and relationships The reality gets more grim and worse the more data I analyze
@@mickmoon6887 Yeah sorry about the length. The entire time I was writing that I was worried people wouldn't read it because it was so long. It was all coming from the top of my head as I was writing. Lol
i had all these 5 things in my previous (first and probably last) relationship,it was 24-7 guilt , dissatisfaction , anger ; now i am finally out and doing much better with my life . thank you for this video Alexander. love from india
In my last relationship, she used the Denial method constantly and even tried to make me think I was going crazy. I'd tell her something she did or said, and she would deny and then tell me she was worried about me because I was remembering things incorrectly. She also tried to say I did and said all these things I would never do. I admit at first I was second guessing myself and saying I was wrong.
Women have unremitting greediness for next best thing her survival instinct doesn't allow her to truly love a person, they can only love you superficially.
@@WonZZY2003 Agree on hypergamy. Man also seek the next best thing and not only businesslike. It’s all about evolving. But to say an emotional being as a woman loves just superficial is Nonsens. They are just less loyal when they start to get confused, upset…
We are socialized to disregard our own emotions except for the ones that women find useful or comfortable. Our mothers start us off this way. We are shamed to the point that we become alienated from ourselves and then women and society tell us that the key to emotional fulfillment is in a relationship with a woman. We then attempt to use women to experience our own emotions vicariously through them. It is a complete and total takeover of what makes a person a person. And since it is an invisible type of power and very subtle it is much more potent than physical domination. Throughout the long history of armies slaughtering one another in the name of the King, there's always been a queen or a mistress in the castle whispering to him " you know what would reallllly make me happy ...." And men are such suckers for this. WAKE UP
They'll say that men have problems they need to be open about, but whenever a man has an issue it's always conveniently illegitimate and either their fault for secretly being a bad person or the fault of men throughout history for apparently arbitrarily deciding to create problems for themselves in order to gain power (women may or may not have an itsy bitsy teeny weeny tiny little part to play as well, but you started it!). But whenever a woman has a problem then suddenly it's you who has to be "emotionally intelligent" to her issues and give her "basic human respect" (meaning treat me better than you'd treat an average man but not as much as the average women). Then they'll wonder why men don't show emotion, but use it against them at every turn. If you're in any way frustrated you're an angry beast on the verge of rampage. If you do cry you're being selfish and entitled and childish for not taking on the burdens of women and putting yourself first.
@@ADUAquascaping I've kind of shifted into this naturally as I've gotten older and made some lifestyle changes. By default in my early years I was raised around women in a female dominant environment. Now for the most part I only deal with women when I'm selling them something. They're around in the periphery but sort of like a parallel world that exists next to the male world. And at this point in my life I really don't care what they think. It's taken me a long time. But now I am more relaxed around women than I have ever been; sometimes I flirt and chat, and I can draw great energy and inspiration from being around feminine energy much in the same way that I will feel refreshed after spending time near a body of water or a beautiful grove of trees. But the trees opinions have no merit in my world nor do they care about me and that's fine.
She Divorced me after 32 years. This vid is exactly on spot, I agree with every word. I dealt with Narcissistic, gaslighting, angery behavior. I just didn't realize how bad it was until I was away from her. She did me a favor ultimately.
It’s been about a year since my break up, even thou I’ve come to the conclusion that it was both of our faults the relationship didn’t work out, watching this really opened my eyes and helped me realize that she had a LOT more to do with the toxicity than I thought, it’s crazy what someone who’s in tune with their manipulation skills can do to you
Here’s a few more you should do a video about. Women who get upset with you because you got upset about something they did wrong. I’ve met women who will do bad things and then when confronted become upset that the man was upset about her misbehavior. Or women who will withhold affection when they are upset. It’s an abusive tactic to withhold love and affection as a punishment.
@@mariasmith7338 The point of this post is that women don't take accountability. In this case, the man is upset by her behavior and she flips it around and becomes upset. Your response references a different issue. One where the man has upset the woman.
@@mariasmith7338yeah, but she shouldn’t just be upset because you called her out on something she did wrong. Like if you can’t move through that, what’s the point of even having affection in the first place? That’s what op is saying. It’s not that he wanted affection, it’s that he wanted affection from his wife who is being a complete you know what. Are you in the comments just to ignore people…or are you just trying to play games? 😂
The wrong woman can ruin your life 100% agree, and it fucks up with your mental. My ex wife, had all those characteristics denial, diverting, minimizing & it drove me nuts because i was trying my best to keep us together. I can admit that i wasn't emotional healthy and overreacted to the triggers that occurred,but i was willing to work through them. She however just avoided me like i didn't matter whenever i raised issues in our relationship,Till I got tired &just cut her off permanently despite having a child together
Awesome content. For all the “pro men” information out there, what we really need is to catch manipulative tactics. This needs to be out in the open and common knowledge.
I literally told a woman trying to be in my life and engaging in emotionally abusive behaviour. She would call and I would tell her I'm working and instead of going, "oh I'm sorry, I'll call you at a better time" she just goes on talking as if I haven't just told her she's interrupting me. You see how subtle that is? I told her off about it and she gaslit me and I told her she was emotionally abusive. She continued to deny and to trivialise my concerns. I told her there is no way I'm paying to be made miserable and she can go make someone else miserable. She never blocked me. The most important thing is if you're feeling bad about it and she's not prepared to do anything about it, get out. It's only ever going to get worse.✌🏿
Facts brother. If she trivilises anything from the jump then its time to gap before you get more attatched. Theres no way to talk a chick out of these behaviours and if shes comfortable doing them 3, 6, 12 months into the relationship then imagine the hellscape youll be living in when youre married.
thank you for being so loud about this, Im one of the guys that grew up in such a household, all females on my mothers side of the family pull all these cards pretty much every day in every conversation. It was a norm to me and had a very long very bad depression, took me 8 years of terrible relationships with exactly the women that behave like this, 5 years of psychotherapy and about 3 years of travelling to let it all sink in. I ended up cutting ties with my family completely, there is no way they will ever understand how shitty they are to everyone around them.
Had all this done to me. Life ruined (and severely hurt my child too). She will hit me one minute and deny she touched me the next... Plus she will claim I'm abusive. Pure evil and the ONLY SOLUTION is to run as far away as possible. You cannot out talk her and nobody will believe you.
A lot of female behavior comes down to social and emotional maintenance. It's not so much about a woman's desire to look good and feel good that drives her behavior, it's more the terror of looking bad and feeling bad. Pain is a far greater motivator, and unless she's truly empathetic, only her pain matters here, not yours.
Sadly, I came across your channel just two years ago. I had been in an abusive relationship for nearly 20 years. We met when I was 30 and now I am 56. Yes, my life has largely been stolen. I just hope that your messages reach as many as possible. Keep up the good work.
Alex I've listened to this entire video and one of the nice things about it is, that apart from the info itself, you are so articulate and sharp in your speech and communication. Amazing and a joy to listen to. None of your sentences were messy or fuzzy, its amazing how pleasing it was to listen to. And that's coming from a guy haha, your voice and skill of expressing yourself is really really good.
This is what I fell for - I was accused of emotional blackmail and denying her feelings but it made me so focused on what I'd done wrong I didn't realise I was reacting to her doing them to me in the first place. Maybe I'm naive but I'm not sure she realised, and I wonder if I'd called her out we could have forgave each other properly and moved on. Instead I lost a lot of respect for her and broke up a few months later.
In my experience, they seldom admit it it and, if they do, almost never do any real work with themselves to improve it. Therapists can be echo chambers of narcissists as well.
As someone who was in a similar place, calling her out doesnt cause forgiveness. At best it will lead to her giving a shallow apology and then demanding that you apologise as well even though it was ultimately caused by her. It got so bad that i wouldnt actually be able to call out her shitty behaviour unless i took note of it and did/said the same thing to her a day later. If I didnt do that she would claim either it didnt happen, that she cant understand what im saying, or that im overreacting. Yet when id do it to her shed act like i slapped her for no reason.
@@callanc3925 That gaslighting sounds nasty. Yeah I guess she has already justified her actions to herself, and if she was inclined to be considerate of you she wouldn't have done those things in the first place.
I was in a 17 years relationship until I divorced 3 years ago. My ex-wife checked all of the boxes mentioned in this video (and more). After divorcing, I felt very alone and did a big mistake because I panicked… …I began a new relationship. Even though it wasn’t as bad as my previous relationship, it wasn’t fulfilling either as that person was quite codependent. I ended it and felt very bad because she wasn’t a bad person, just very clingy. It’s been almost a year since I ended that relationship and I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself. What I realized is that high quality women are out there, but you have to be very LUCKY to meet one. Going on Tinder won’t help, In fact, it will probably make your situation worse. Trying to attract a quality women isn’t working for me at the moment and I decided to let it go and to focus on myself. I just transformed by body and mind and accepted my own truth. More importantly, I accepted the possibility of being alone for the rest of my life and it’s ok (although I would like to share intimacy at times). But having intimacy just for the sake of it isn’t worth it as it comes with several other issues relating with females. Just love yourself guys! No woman will love you unless you fit within their frame, which will make you unhappy and miserable. Can you accept the fact that you’ll be alone for the rest of your life and stop chasing women?
Honestly, the trick with these kinds of toxic relationships are that you'll never see them immediately, especially while you're being love-bombed. In my experience the beginning of every toxic relationship is incredible . Physically, emotionally, and even spiritually this person is checking all of your boxes and you've developed feelings very fast. It genuinely feels like you've found someone incredible, it feels like it's your turn now, you deserve this great relationship, you deserve love too. You will find out a month in when the façade starts falling apart. It starts with diminishing your experience by them saying so much heavy stuff about everything they are dealing with that they don't have enough time for you. Inevitably they throw some guilt in there and say that everybody always leaves them so you stick around because you don't want to be like everybody else, you're better right? Meanwhile during that time they continue to do whatever they want but you're left in limbo meaning that you're kind of anxious to have their attention back because there's just this void now and if you aren't giving her enough attention or power then she'll just not speak to you. Yet if you give her too much then she's going to be unhappy with that too so you're just in an uncomfortable position because of her bad communication skills. Another tool that covert narcissist women will use is that they will take a situation where they are at fault and fess up to the fault and act like it's resolved and that they're going to work on some kind of resolution for the future. In your mind that's exactly what you wanted and you are content as you think you're both on the same page. No one expects or really wants a perfect partner, we all make mistakes and those mistakes can often be ameliorated by talking about the issue and setting or resetting healthy boundaries. You should really sit down and get to know each other and what the problems are that need to be addressed. Internally though, she feels like a scolded child and will probably find ways around the boundary that you just set because she doesn't want to follow it anyway, otherwise she would have been doing it already. She just accepted that she messed up verbally because she knows that you wouldn't put up with her otherwise, so she'll "take the L" to keep you around but honestly has no intention of changing her behavior or will shift blame. All of this is because of her crippling fear of abandonment, she would rather admit that she was wrong about something to your face to keep you around, but not out of magnanimity. It's not a positive reason, it's just that she doesn't want to be left without a constant supply of attention and affection because she *needs* it to be happy with herself and feel reassured that she is a good person externally. Next is lying about small things and then later big things. You won't really know what they're lying about until you catch them in it but generally it's going to start being impropriety with their friends, like they're too close to some of them or I actually think it's a red flag now for people to just run up and hug all their friends all the time just because they're *too* friendly. You'll find about a month in that they're not really that nice, they often talk sh*t about half of the people that they are quite nice to in person right after. I could go on and on about this but I urge people to research the signs of narcissism in women, not just grandiose but covert as well. There are quite a few good TH-camrs like Dr Ramani that project a little bit because of their own bad pasts with narcissists, but you have to arm yourself with knowledge about this because narcissists are attracted to empaths like moths to a light honestly
I used to deal with most of these with my ex. Anytime I'd get upset with her she'd accuse me of being too loud. There was never a right time to bring up problems. It we were fighting she wouldn't talk things through to resolution because I just wanted to fight. If it was a good day and I'd bring it up because there was no tension, she'd say I was trying to ruin the mood. When I tried to have her make a list of what she needed to be happy she'd try and avoid it and when I fulfilled it she'd act like I was being difficult. She even accused me of being gay. Fortunately, I looked at her attempts to drive me crazy as mental illness on her part. The only upside of this Hell was she wanted to get out of our 18-year marriage so bad she told me that she needed $5,000 for a down payment on a townhouse and a quick divorce or she'd get a lawyer and try and get all she could for me making her miss this opportunity. At that point I figured I already did all I could to help her and save things and could move on with no regrets I didn't do more.
I can't thank you enough for posting this video. I was in an abusive relationship with a narcissist who literally do all of these gas lighting tactics on me. For the longest time, I suspected that she was cheating on me but whenever I brought it up she denied it, trivialized my feeling, and follow it up with emotional blackmail. When I found proof of her cheating on me she kept denying it. I still allowed her the chance to prove her innocence (the biggest mistake I made). Yet, she withheld the conversation by diverting it and shifting the blame on me saying that I disrespect her for even thinking that she would do something like that. I ended the relationship that day, but as you can see she was gaslighting me till the end without me even realizing it. Your video help me re-affirm and understand so much about how these tactics were used on me, I will make sure this will never happen again
As someone who grew up as one of like three male cousins in a large family, I can tell you the society of girls is based on a fluctuating hierarchy. In order to take the top spot on any given day, or even minute to minute, they learn to manipulate. They use their innate knack for non- verbal communication and social cues to learn their manipulation tactics and by the time they reach adulthood they are EXPERTS at it. The tactics given in the video are not necessarily only used on men. They use them on anyone they want to get their way with.
Key to all this is that men should give themselves some value and self respect, never ever settle for disrespect, if you call it out as soon as you detect it, trust me the girl apologizes really quick, cuz they always like to test your limit
@@Rampart.X They do. In Hollywood movies - so men 'think' women hold themselves accountable - I don't remember seeing it in the wild though (or, it was so halfhearted/calculating, it was not convincing).
@@Rampart.X yes,they do apologize if you keep them in check,but that doesn't change the fact that they will repeat the bad behavior. You can keep them in check,but do we want to be tested everyday of our lives is a different question we have to ask ourselves. It slowly wears you down.
The girl often doesnt apologise real quick. At best she will likely try to minimise what it was, tell you it didnt happen like that, not understand what youre talking about, then maybe give you shallow apology that you got so upset (i.e. not actually apologise for what she did). Then she wont stop the behaviour but she will try harder to hide it from you because she doesnt see it as a problem she just doesnt want to have to have that conversation again.
I was driven to the brink of madness, lost my sanity, and didn't know what true or false, real or made up. The woman I dated used all of these tricks...ALL OF THEM EXTREMELY EFFECTIVELY. Even when you are aware of these tricks. That doesn't mean you can truly fight against all of them. You will ALWAYS LOSE at the -Denial Card-. When I started losing my mind from these cards being played. I asked my now Ex Girlfriend (YAY) this question... "Let's say I saw you cheating on me. I knew who it was with, when, the time of day, where, and what you did with them. Let's say, I saw the entire deed from start to finish and didn't interrupt just to see what was going to happen.Let's say my phone was dead so no photos or video. I saw it all with my owe eyes. Later on I confront you about every detail. Would you admit the truth? Her answer honestly scared me to the bone due to what it said about her as a person. She said..... NO. You have no proof any of it happened. WTF!?! The way she said it. Cold with no soul behind her eyes. I knew I had to get far far away from her. ....unfortunately she lives 2 streets away.
Solid video. Ex used 4/5 of these against me, somewhat unsuccessfully, before she broke up with me saying "You're too strong". It was sad to lose a decent relationship due to her losing to her weaknesses when she doubled down on avoiding accountability.
My mother uses diversion form of gaslighting on me, and still uses it on me whenever she tries to gaslight me saying I don't at all help her out, when in reality I am the one filling out her excel spreadsheets and typing out her question papers for school. Other than this, she also uses denial one for denying that she never hit me badly or scolded me on the regular basis during my childhood, saying that she hardly ever hit me. Thanks for the video Alexander
@@user-nq5hy7vn9k Keep grinding, focus on cash. If you have friends then that's good otherwise dont bother. Money, money, money. Your life. That's it. Then watch how people gravitate to you.
Alexander you are spot on. I had a long term friendship relationship with two woman. Both of these woman gaslighted me exactly as you say with denial. Both woman are attractive. I'm done with suppressing my feelings of attraction trying to accept the crumbs of attention they throw me trying to maintain a female friendship. I addressed the gaslighting issues with both woman and gave them a chance to rectify their behavior to me. I think you are exactly right when you say woman are so used to doing this crap they are not even aware they do it. Unfortunately I had to end both these long term female friendships to maintain my mental health. I'm taking steps now and I am open to find a better class of friends. Your work here is good. You really have been helpful to me.
Almost a perfect description of my first (and only) wife. Left out the promises made with no intention of keeping them. Though that does fall loosely into "denial", it feels like a double-edged sword. I feel fortunate to have survived, minus optimism about loves ability to overcome obstacles. Carry on, my brother!
It happens in the workplace too. Some female colleagues can make their male counterparts lives a hell on earth using the same malicious tactics. Fun fact is that those women cant do against other women as they are quickly called out..
If you discuss a relationship with a woman and you want her to do something in the relationship and she says 'I will try' it literally means she will not do it.
Its the same reason why at a certain point theres no reason to call out bad behaviour in the hopes she'll fix it. For anything sizeable it will only tell her that she needs to hide it and its better off for you to cut your losses
#2 trivialising: Yes, experienced this one with a girl I was seeing who I ended things with recently. We had some arguments during our relationship and in all of them went the same way. She would try to get me on something, and when she realised she wasn't getting anywhere she would change the subject of the argument and after a few attempts to beat me that way, she would finally just make the argument about how I had "invalidated her feelings". I guess she felt like that was getting her somewhere because she started developing this narrative about how I was supposedly chronically insensitive and hurtful towards her. One time I got upset at her because she was attention-seeking whilst I was trying to do some important stuff and she accused me of getting "pouty" - after all these lectures she gave me about not being sufficiently considerate of her feelings!!!! Literally later that day she gave me a talking to about the importance of considering the other person's feelings in a relationship. It's exactly as you say Alexander - they want a guy who's in touch with his emotions, until he has some emotions that she doesn't approve of. Then she'll put you in your place with gaslighting, shaming and whatever other emotionally abusive tricks are in her arsenal. It was simply mind-blowing. I don't know what goes on in the minds of these women; they're either unbelievably solipsistic or there is some seriously dark stuff going on in there. Either way, I'm pleased to be out of there. Thanks for all of your content, Alexander. You are doing much
The craziest thing is these chicks who say "they want a guy whos in touch with their emotions" are the least in touch with their emotions. Those girls are run by their emotions. They have no control over them, they can hardly even identify them properly. People need to learn that being "emotional" and being "in touch with your emotions" are essentially opposites.
@@callanc3925 Very well put there, man. It's totally different to have a healthy relationship with your emotional self than having a psyche completely dominated by your emotions, which a lot of chicks have.
The examples from a previous relationship I had are: withholding: "I don't want to talk about this right now." Trivializing: "you're being overly sensative right now" or "wow, you're so sensative" denial: "we already talked about me quitting my job" or "youve never been a good dad" diverting:"you always make me feel like I'm not trying and a terrible parent" stereptyping:"who has heard of a woman not getting her kids, youre so controlling"
It's actually pretty crazy, now after analyzing my past relationships and observing others, this all rings true and has been used by every woman I know including my mother... My depression.. it's getting worse.. I really don't know how I even manage to make it to the next day after being raised by a single mother and 4 aunts and then having been on the receiving end of all 5 of these abuses and building up depression over the years. Finding channels like these opened my eyes. But opening my eyes from a terrible dream only to see the dark truth makes me even more depressed.
Brother, don't give up as there are many positive things in life besides relationships. After 10 years of abuse and a child from her I couldn't stand it anymore and ended it. Now i feel great and i am in the best shape of my life. Keep grinding there is light at the end of the dark tunnel.
Once your eyes are open, perhaps you can identify such behaviours and safeguard yourself but you realize that you are ALONE in the world. If you believe in God then have faith. If not, then do meditation. Else, you'll go mad.
I hate to say this but in my experience pretty much 100% of women do all 5 of these. Even in "normal" relationships. They are masters in the art of avoiding accountability and all 5 of theses are tactics in that playbook.
I'm married for quite a few years now, going through a horrible phase and thinking about divorce. I have my share of the blame for problems in the relationship, but for all these years, like Bill Burr said in a stand up once, it seems we are always working on me and my flaws. Never the reverse. And we rarely have sex anymore but the lack of drive comes from me. I've been humiliated quite a few times during the act(putting my masculinity in check) as I am no expert and try my best, and my will to do it as plummeted to the point I never feel like doing it.
Alexander thanks a lot for making these videos. ive had my head messed with hard by a woman i last dated and she checks all the red flags of manipulation you're discussing in this video. with every month she made me believe more and more everything is my fault and im entirely to blame for issues in our relationship. she refused to engage in conversation. never thanked for anything. i went further and beyond to please her and it was like whatever i did was irrelevant and not important at all. constantly guilt tripping me. constantly shaming me. spent quite a bit of money on her and comparative amount on therapists in the past year just to get me out of the rut of self misery and non-stop heavy suicidal tendencies. wish i'd find your videos sooner. you helped me clear up my overwhelming confusion of this clusterfuck of a relationship in just a few of your videos i watched. very based. thanks a bunch. signed up to support you on patreon.
I AM SoOOOOO sorry ! This is aweful . I hurt for u even tho u r stranger . I have had a female friend who’s histrionic boarderline like that . She came of skittish n always a victim , I got sucked into it to help her with all sorts things . Same as my Husband that has dated a woman decade ago! Just let u know that is very likely they have ASPERGERS-- which 2-4% ppl have ! (My mom had that ) depends what sector u r in . In IT, programming , engineering , Finance . It has HIGHer numbers ppl have that . They will suck u dry emotionally like vampire n exhausting lol ne tho they r usually above average in IQ ! So just please be aware most ppl are not like that . If ever meet one like that n happen to be selfish , it’s d worst combo. Most ppl have d drive to be different even if they have traumas . Like 👍🏻 me n my other friends .
This is extremely valuable-potentially even life saving-information. I think most guys believe they would never let themselves get into a position where any of this advice would matter because they're smarter than that. The thing is: *Women don't defeat men in the realm of intelligence. They defeat men in the realm of emotion, which is infinitely more dangerous.*
@@crazywiener11 I will have to disagree. Emotion is not constrained by logic or reason, so it is often unpredictable and nonsensical. Intelligence is the reason why 100 scientists can each be faced with the same problem and all develop the same solution independently. In the mind, intelligence is order, and emotion is disorder. When a person consciously recognizes and reasons through their own emotions, they are choosing to use their intelligence to bring order to their emotion(disorder), but they could also choose not to, so the awareness of emotion alone will not prevent emotion from being dangerous. Ultimately, intelligence alone doesn't even have the capacity to be dangerous without emotion, so emotion must be inherently more dangerous.
@Gabe O I see the intellect and emotions as working together, like you say. But I still think that neither are inherently dangerous in of themselves or that one is more dangerous than the other. They are both tools of understanding. Empty shells in of themselves, but in which common human patterns of thought and feeling occur respectively. For example, psychopaths have an emotional deficit and can be dangerous through their unrestrained rationality, whereas religious zealots can be dangerous through their irrationality and their unresolved emotion.
@@crazywiener11 I agree for the most part, but what makes the psychopath dangerous is what he desires, and desires are determined by emotion. If he has no desire to harm anyone, then he is no more dangerous than anyone else-potentially less so. Of course, this is abnormal psychology, which plays by its own rules in many cases. The main thing for me is that intelligence is rational, so an intelligent person can reasonably predict how another similarly intelligent person will respond to an interaction-assuming that neither has succumbed to emotion. When you can accurately predict how someone will respond, then you have a much better chance of protecting yourself from danger if need be.
One important thing I think is important to keep in mind is that men's feelings are brushed aside by society or whatever because its possible for men to shrug off personal attention and still be productive. Usually that idea is framed as victimization and something to be taken advantage of. Its framed as men being weak. Don't let that frame be what you see. The truth is men are amazingly resilient and can power through so much. Yes, men's feelings are neglected. But that is only possible because we are so strong. Even in desperate times, men are capable of amazing feats. Remember how awesome you are, guys.
Trivialising: My mother did this. Denial: An ex did this, it was her default position. Problem for her was I'm a stubborn bugger and knew she'd said the things she denied saying so I just knew she was lying.
Sir, I'm 67. Former US Army Green Beret. Combat Vet. You have changed my life more than any other way that I have experienced. I hear you loud and clear. Thank you.
My ex told me that if I could not remember something she said verbatim or have some record of it, it never happened. She trivialized just about everything when it came to my emotions or wants but magnified her own telling me, "Don't you know the saying, "Happy wife, happy life?"" and "It's your job to make me happy and if you're not doing it, then you're doing something wrong." She always accused me of gaslighting her. After our divorce, I thought I would gain peace and quiet in my home again after she left it. Little did I know, the worst was yet to come.
Whenever a chick tells you "happy wife happy life" either run, or tell her that the original meaning. Originally it meant "dont marry a chronically unhappy woman, because her unhappiness will spread." Its not an order for men to make their women happy, its an order for men to only get involved with positive women.
Keeping perspective is the number one most important thing you can do to avoid entering into or staying in an abusive relationship. What makes it so hard in the beginning is your sexual desire and loved-up feelings overriding your rational thought process, and in a few years it will be the deep emotional connection you have with her and the strong aversion to walking away from the life you've built together. This is combined with the gradual way that abuse builds and develops (frog in boiling water situation) and how the abuser can isolate you slowly over time, keeping you away from support and counternarratives. Some good ways to keep perspective are to make sure you regularly spend time with your friends, away from her, telling them when necessary about some of the problems you have with her, and see how they react. If they're good friends you've had for years you should take their opinions seriously. Also, spend a healthy amount of time away from her by yourself, doing hobbies, cycling, going to bookshops etc. Doing both of these things will not only be healthy for your relationship (which you should explain to her, and encourage her to do too) but it's also a great test for abuse, because an abusive woman will usually have a massive problem with you doing these things. Also, if she ever hits you, even just a slap, you leave her. Immediately.
Maybe masochists have been ahead of the pack this whole time...there are a lot less people that can hurt you if pain is something that bring you joy 🤷♂️
1. Withholding 2. Trivializing 3. Denial 4. Diverting 5. Stereotyping We know spot most of these but how about the regular dude, i feel bad for them. These are not easy to spot, most of the time.
Yes,yes, yes,the wrong woman will destroy you, took me over two years to recover from a 5 year serious live in relationship with a narcissist,who was a Dr. And a Scorpio ,
This video is so valuable, thanks. At 18:00 you mention it isn't sex exclusive, and I realized I as a man am guilty of one these and I didn't even realize it. My father is guilty of at least one of these also. I'm going to make a conscious effort to cut this out and use this as a reference in the future.
I experienced gaslighting from my ex who turned out to be cheating on me towards the end. The worst part was that she was blatantly denying my suspicions that something was 'off' and she basically tried to make me feel guilty for her infidelity. I can say with full conviction that this experience was far more damaging and scarring to me than a time when I got jumped and physically attacked by a gang of douchebags (only physical pain). They are not even comparable in terms of magnitude of suffering yet it seems there's more (unnecessary) reflexive compassion to victims of physical pain compared to sympathy for those who suffer immense psycho-spiritual affliction, which is how I would call it if the relationship really mattered to you. Long story short I was suicidally motivated shortly after and ended up on anti depressants that also did lasting damage to my body; let's just say I was no longer able to be properly intimate with another woman for almost 2 years
G.M.H-J did all of those to me, the most painful was when I reminded her that she had bounced my head off of the window sill to which she replied "I didn't do that to you, you did it to me" on the plus side, she showed me what narcissistic abuse is an what not to tolerate. It will be eight years no contact soon.
Women dont look at men as humans they see us as resources and fun thats it. the sooner you see this the freedom comes. Just have fun on their terms dont get attached and keep working on your life goals chads
I only realized I was being abused very far into the relationship. Direct abuse would never work with me. I admit I'm not the sensitive type. That was also my first LTR and as someone who likes to have time for himself and be on his path, I could not have matched with someone worse. An overly attached GF, that wore her emotions as her skin. The first year of the RL was basically she training me to be more sensitive to her feelings and desires. I had no TIME for MYSELF ever. It didn't work in the very beginning, because I'm a low patience guy who always convinced himself that it's not worth to suffer for relationships/women (ever since I saw friends going through hell even in Highschool). But as we progressed I relaxed more and more and grew more attached. Once she lost the fear that I'd drop her for being too pushy with me, she stopped apologizing for her wrongs, and only kept pushing me to do more for her and always think of her emotions. After her "training" was complete, almost 3 years into the relationship, I realized that all of the things she accused me of doing before, and battered me for it, while crying she's an (emotionally) abused victim, she was doing it to me more. And every time more openly with no more fear of backlash. Her hiding even became sloppy. I was so focused on trying to better understand her and correct my "wrongs" that I could not realize that she was doing it to me. When I brought it up, she used mostly the trivializing technique. Dismissing it and making it like I was exaggerating. I then realized how she conditioned me to become softer and more caring of her feelings, while she was neglecting mine and gaslitghting me. I changed myself a lot for her because everything was about her and what she wanted to do, or see, or feel or whatever, and I had to be there for it no matter at what cost. Not even my job, studies, or anything could come in between, no. I needed to drop EVERYTHING to put her first. Since I'm not naturally this way, it was a slow process of her turning me into that. That's why I say direct abuse would not work because she sensed right away that I'd drop her in a heartbeat. Thus why in the beginning she always apologized vehemently when doing something wrong. Only by making me believe I was overly insensitive and abusive, she convinced me I had to change to do more for her, which ended up being me doing basically everything for her to my own detriment.
Similar experience here but she would simultaneously shame me for not being sensitive to her bullshit problems (someone lightly bumping into her on the street as if that doesn't happen to everyone) while dismissing some very serious issues I faced telling me to go talk to my friends about it. She also freaked out when I did work travel with a female colleague, however she lied about spending time with male orbiters despite agreeing to set respectful boundaries. The double standards were stacking up. She's off to the next victim now and seemingly being quite successful at it. She might be winning but at least I ain't losing!
@@XPMBblues Nope. Same thing then. I was also constantly shamed for not being sensitive enough. She'd cry her eyes out for very insignificant problems that for her I was not being sensitive enough, accusing me of a lot of things. And as you said, disregard my issues. The only difference is about the orbiters. While she did do the same as you described, it wasn't VERY often. Because for the most part she was up grinding my gears instead of giving me space. But yes, she was extremely jealous, too, while being carefree on her side.
10:25 I had one person in my life who was like this. I genuinely think she believed it to be true. We all know women ride their emotions. I think this particular women genuinely had no memory of things she'd said during an argument. Total split personality - all governed by her mood.
My mother became a pathological liar & I never found out if she was truly aware or not. My ex used all these tactics and more, I now realise because he was so emotional & ultimately, lacking in masculinity. In his case, there was substance abuse & he had no recollection of meaningless things too, so some of his denials may have been real. But in a way that made it worse, because there was truth mixed in with lies, & I never knew what to believe & my trust in him was long gone.
Jack Nicholson's character in the film 'As Good As It Gets' when asked by female fan ' Your books really mean so much to me, they get to my heart and my head, how do you write women so well'? His answer; ' I start with a Man, and then I remove Reason and Accountability'.
The worst part of this, in my eyes, is that you find on social media the idea that these behaviours are acceptable, that it's justifiable to use and abuse men as needed.
What a great video, thank you, Alexander! I am actually living the Denial one and it baffles me, I actually did took notes and recorded just like you said, I really thought I had a problem with my memory.
🎯 Key Takeaways for quick navigation: 00:00 😡 This video discusses subtle forms of abuse in relationships, focusing on abusive behavior by women. 01:11 🤔 Abusive behavior by women can be more covert and harder to detect, making it potentially more dangerous. 03:01 🚫 The video highlights five tactics women may use in abusive relationships: withholding appreciation, trivializing emotions, denial of wrongdoing, diverting conversations, and using male stereotypes to shame men. 05:34 🗣️ It's important for men not to underestimate or tolerate abusive behavior and to demand better treatment in relationships. 09:34 ❌ Denial is considered one of the most harmful forms of gaslighting, as it can make the victim question their own sanity. 13:16 🔄 Diverting conversations by shifting topics can hinder productive communication and lead to frustration. 15:39 🙅♂️ Stereotyping men negatively to induce guilt and shame is an abusive tactic that should be rejected. 17:57 🙌 Recognizing and challenging harmful stereotypes about masculinity is essential for healthier relationships and self-worth. 18:11 🔄 Abusive behaviors are not gender-exclusive, and individuals should strive to break the cycle of abuse and seek help when needed. Made with HARPA AI
Great example about how women do all of this uncounciously. I noticed that about my mother when we argue. As high quality a woman she is and she truly is a high quality woman college educated and all and not because she is my mother either, I am in my mid thirties so I can be objective about her femininity. Because I truly love her and she me, our disagreements never degenerate into total warfare of mutual destruction and I often call her out on her diverting or pivoting to something else just to justify her emotional state despite being confronted with evidence or justification contrary to her emotional state that initiated her emotional confrontation with me. When I see her diverting I are compare her to a CVT (constantly variable transmission) transmission just to let her know that she is diverting again. If I am wrong I confess and try to make it right because I love her and don't want to fight her just for the sake of it. From my perspective lots of relationships today just as in the past are based in the axiom of 'what he/she can do for me' not how can we complement each other and not be alone in the world. In other words maybe aka love, but who knows anymore.
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Should you talk to women you're dating about the struggles you, like all men, experience in the dating market?
www.patreon.com/posts/patreon-should-70777314
No. Women don't care about your struggles. They are waiting at the finish line.
No Never tell women about your feeling
Its useless. They dont care.
No. They never cared.
So one big problem Alex is.
In confrontation both people will feel this way and be this way to some extent. It's important to differentiate abuse and just perspective.
Be careful in not being like feminists and just enabling men (as they do women) in just breaking up
Keep in mind most men are low quality and believe they are high quality.
In my experience women are far, far more likely to abuse their partner than men. Women’s abusive behaviour tends to be more ‘under the radar’. Things like the silent treatment, stopping you seeing friends and family, gaslighting, or stopping the father seeing the children if the relationship ends. Not all abuse is violence.
If men choose not to be physically violent, they can act in the same malicious way. Men can be cruel too. A snickering cynical remark can destroy a whole relationship.
@@tomaszsosnowski9279 they definetley can, but more often are the victims of it, since its the weak ones who will be manipulated into providing more for his woman
It happens in the workplace too. Some female colleagues can make their male counterparts lives a hell using the same malicious tactics.
@@alinkuri4429 yes and we will be so confused like "no this is work" "we Dont deal with this stuff at work?"
Check out "women are naturally abusive" - Patrice O'Neal
I grew up with a mom and 2 sisters who had all 5 of these traits. By age 15, from observing the family dynamics of some close friends, I could see something was wrong with my home. My dad was a workaholic, so he wasn't around much; but he died in an accident when I was 18. So, I threw myself into school, sports, and 2 jobs all through high school as a way to get out of the house. I never dated a girl in high school, mostly out of the dread of introducing someone to my family.
Once I got in college a group of awesome guys took me under their wing became excellent examples for me of confident masculinity.
Also in college, I met a gorgeous blonde from the south of Sweden. She was level-headed, minimalist and nothing like the women in my family. We married in June of 2009 and have 4 kids now. My mom and sisters are completely out of my life now.
It's possible to get away from toxic, abusive people and build new, healthy relationships.
Legend💪
Good stuff. All though now the women of Sweden seem very different these days.
@@Dionysus_Athenawdym
@@P0150Ngmod all the Swedish women have seem to have mostly turned into horrible feminists.
So good women do exist... that is an awesome great story
"Don't try to understand women. Women understand women and they hate each other."
The legendary Al Bundy
Though it took me over 30 (33) years of marital abuse to recognise it, and a terrible destructive divorce with several suicide attempts, I did recover and recognise retrospectively just how abusive my wife had been. Don't be me... don't let your heart override your head, nor programming overrule rationality. Another excellent video from Alexander... that I wish had been available all those decades ago.
25 years.
TV has a lot to answer for.
@@TomNook. I've seen alot of men suffer due to naive expectations they have of themselves due to TV. Its hard to know something is wrong without the head space to be able to criticaly think about it. I mean if you're a nice guy and doing good things you would assume that a good relationship would come from that but if you don't call woman out on there bullshit you will create a monster.
@@TomNook. Not so... we had children and an extended family. If one believes that a happy marriage with kids is the default, any 'problems' appear to need a cause, and through manipulation this can be used against you (as described in the video). I hated my life (hence the numerous suicide attempts)... but like all men believed, if the marriage fails, you have failed as a man. This is what kept me there... this and my kids. To assume someone needs to have this disposition is dangerous as it suggests that only 'victim' men are prone to this abuse. This is NOT true. We are all prone to it, due to several factors such as societal norm, children, image and self-image, and lack of foresight. In my day, divorce was just not an option
The same happened to a friend of mine. She tore him down to nothing, then divorced him. He was a mess. He told me they went 7 years without sex. That's extreme abuse in itself. After the divorce, she immediately jumped onto eHarmony. Now she's remarried and he's still picking up the pieces.
Here is a sample script on how to deal with manipulative gaslighting people like this:
1. Witholding
"I'm ending things with you, goodbye."
2. Trivialising
"I am ending our relationship"
3. Denial
"You cannot deny the end of our relationship has come"
4. Diverting
"What's this new thing, it's the end of our relationship"
5. Stereotyping
"This is such a typical manipulative response, time to manipulate myself out of this relationship".
Abuse ends with use, use leaving them behind. The most important person in your life is you, look after yourself.
I chuckled
💯
You just described 90% of women of today.... This why men are checking out of any need to have a relationship with a woman! We're tired of the grief and the pain women bring to the table.
The issue is cohabitation and hanging out too much. Have sex and go on dates. Otherwise, just ignore them. I'm serious. It is this simple. Don't become emotional with women. Why are you talking about your emotions with her or allowing her to gaslight you? You're spending too much time with her. Cohabitating is the lie. Romantic vacations are the lie. There is a culture in rural China which lives this way and they are way happier. The men live in their own homes and just come over at night for sex. They fix things around the village and help with farming while the women raise the kids and do everything else including butchering the animals. We should adopt this style of living. It's way healthier.
10% is still a lot of women left right?
Bodycount matters
@@ADUAquascapingbro just pick better,you just described an abuser,not every woman
Most men cannot explain what is happening..no one told them they were in a war...thank you Alex.
The 5 tactics:
1. Witholding : Intentional and unwillingness to acknowledge the importance of the male contribution. Intentional witholding of gratitude or praise. If she were to give either, it would prevent her from being able to play a victim.
2. Trivializing: Belittling the achievements, contributions, or emotions you're giving or feeling. Imagine you voice anger or fear with somthing that means something to you, and she just dismisses it. This is a form of mental and emotional control. For the girls trying to relate: An easy example is your boyfriend during a potential breakup says "Leave me for who? Look at you! Who would possibly want someone like you?"
3. Denial: Refusing to acknowledge actions or attitude a woman engages in. This is the truest form of Gas-lighting, and Alex argues is the darkest and worst. This is abusive, because on a psychological level it takes men already prone to abuse (otherwise they'd just leave the relationship when treated this way), and warps the perception of reality causing second guessing. She's effectively sacrificing your sanity for her comfort, and that's evil.
4. Diverting: Intentionally changing the topic to something else, with ill intention of either confusing, muddying the water, or discrediting your argument. This can be compared to "strawmanning" in logical fallacy use. By attacking something else, she's setting the stage in a way that she can win the argument, when in actuality the thing you're discussing is not the original important topic. If you don't correct this, she's doing it because she thinks you're too stupid/simple to argue. It's as simple to correct as saying "No that has nothing to do with you XYZ'ing me. Stop trying to manipulate the topic. Be responsible. Don't act like a coward." Eventually she'll stop doing this knowing it won't work, and instead probably just stop talking to you all together, but if you choose to keep her in a relationship long enough for this to happen, then you're in a bad spot, bro. You should've already left her.
5. Stereotyping: Uses negative male stereotypes against a man to try to divert from the conversation or topic. Nice guys are most suseptible to this, because they already internalize the feeling that being masculine is wrong, so when guilt-topics are signalled, they tend to fold. Instead, keep the topic about her, and YOU, not men, not your race, not any other stereotype. If you keep it about YOU, then she'll respect you a microscopic bit more than not (not by much. This type of absive woman doesn't respect anything other than herself by default).
Watch the video entirely, because Alex does a good job giving examples and being somewhat non-biased on the topics. Note lots of what I commented above is not just Alex's points, but also some comments I included, and those do not represent him.
based Shoko, thanks for the summary
Thanks for the Sunnary but could also include girls example as well where they do these to boys?
That's mich more common. Thank you.
thanks
The issue is cohabitation and hanging out too much. Have sex and go on dates. Otherwise, just ignore them. I'm serious. It is this simple. Don't become emotional with women. Why are you talking about your emotions with her or allowing her to gaslight you? You're spending too much time with her. Cohabitating is the lie. Romantic vacations are the lie. There is a culture in rural China which lives this way and they are way happier. The men live in their own homes and just come over at night for sex. They fix things around the village and help with farming while the women raise the kids and do everything else including butchering the animals. We should adopt this style of living. It's way healthier.
Great interpretation. And legal disclaimer😅 yes I've recieved all five
I briefly (about three months) dated a woman who did that trivializing thing every single day. I consistently called her out on it. I would tell her she did such and such thing, and then she would roll her eyes or wave her hand or whatever. I would then tell her that she's literally trivializing my emotions and if I did the same thing to her she wouldn't let me hear the end of it. Again, hand wave and eye roll. Every single time I saw her this would inevitably happen. And what's more, she was rather sensitive and would often misinterpret things I said and hold it against me. I would say to her "reapeat back to me what I just said word for word" and she wouldn't be able to do it.
What's funny is we were hanging with her parents one time. I overheard her dad say to her mom "that's not what I said!" And I said to her "hey, that's what you do to me!"
Any women that “roles their eyes” at you or even behind your back does not respect you and without respect there is no relationship. Just walk away as fast as you can. I have learned this through personal experience and from the experiences of other men.
@@MrBattlestorm you are exactly right
My ex did 4 out of 5 of these things. The examples of withholding statements typed in the video i have seen her type and heard her say more times than i can count. Going forward im never going to continue dating a chick if she acts like she doesnt understand english whenever im holding her accountable for her actions.
I tell my wife that I'm only responsible for what I say , not what you say I say
After watching this video, I hugged my girlfriend extra hard when she came home from work today. I grew up with an older sister that displayed some minor forms of these behaviors, so I know just how fortunate I am to have found a partner who doesn't do any of the things you described. I recognized her for the special person that she is because you taught me what to look for in a partner. Thanks Alex.
I'll do the same to mine coming back from business trip.
Lucky MFs aren't we?
Why do men and women say "partner" and not girlfriend of boyfriend?
Its beyond me
@@chiluditospro2 girlsfriends/boyfriends are temporary. a partner stays
@@MrWeststrom then say wife/husband. Why use all this stupid "progressive" language. It's dumb.
@@chiluditospro2 do as you please
I used to be a very emotionally abusive partner to my ex, especially with withholding, and I believe many women are. I've managed to improve dramatically by going to therapy, and by being very honest with myself about WHY I felt the need to emotionally control my partner. I highly encourage women to seek therapy for these issues.
Most therapists are female even if male. They make things worse in most cases.
@@everythingisupsidedown9593 It's not in their best interest to 'heal' patients... Easier to keep them as their patient, as they feel familiar with them - after all, they know a lot about their patients... It's like buying friendship.
@@everythingisupsidedown9593 - I have had three female therapists in my life, and they all helped me to see my previous behavior was toxic. Your mileage may vary.
@@RachelRichards Only God can. Female therapists 99% of the time explain away female behavior. Unless you are Born Again of the Holy Spirit you are still doing 'toxic' just in a different way. I wish you well!
My ex was very emotionally abusive and I refuse to date again, that was enough for me. Well done for owning up.
I lived that emotionally abusive life with a woman from April 2010 until January 2020.
I was 25, she was 21 going on 22 when we got together.
She did a lot of covert abuse tactics.
I was wet behind the ears, not being experienced much when it came to relationships.
For her, I wasn’t her first, far from.
Hindsight is 20/20.
She was toxic within 3 months together.
But, I put it down to a one off, to me being overly sensitive etc etc.
I had no idea about things like: emotional abuse, gaslighting, Reactive Abuse, Goal post shifting, double standards, emasculation, Wolf Whistling, Withholding/ neglect, Jekyll vs Hyde syndrome, Sociopath, Narcissistic BPD, Triangulation and Parent Alienation.
I realised I was enduring and had lived this with her, but during the time, I couldn’t put my finger on it to describe what she was doing, I just felt frustrated, confused and defeated.
I thought I was the problem for a long time. I did look into things and seek help.
Still things were out of my control, as she would antagonise and belittle frequently.
Then I came across, NPD.
This took me down a revealing rabbit hole, Covert Narcissism triggered more and more realisations as she slotted right into that bracket.
I spoke to sources, sharing experiences, seeking clarity and understanding, and repeatedly they would try and tell me, she is a Malignant Covert Narc. I denied this, thinking it wasn’t quite right.
Until things came up again and again, getting worse and worse, and I had to finally admit what she was.
It’s a life experience I wish I had known about before I endured what I did with her for nearly ten years.
I had no education before I got with her in this mental minefield.
It truly was a trial by fire.
yep...25 years...you could have a video and they flat deny it.
Study was done last year or year before
Women mature by 16
Men mature at 28......
Yeah, when you're in the eye of the storm it's really difficult to recognise the full extent of what's going on and I also tended to reflect on myself instead of the bigger picture. Healing after the breakup must have been really difficult. I wish I was more aware of these issues as well but hopefully it means in future I'll have the maturity to call out toxic behaviors potentially improve as a couple. I've been watching 'Jessica Dufour NLP' here on TH-cam, she has a really insightful channel about how these dynamics emerge from childhood and people can move from an insecure disorganised attachment style to a secure attachment style.
@@thenarrator1984 I’ve got ideas on this.
In my experience after dealing with woman who are mums, gran parents, so 30, 40, 50, 60 etc, I’ve often found them to be experienced, yes, but they have the mental maturity of a 12 year old. It’s alarming.
It’s like they don’t mature past a certain age, and are stuck in an almost brat childish mindset.
I do think men do take longer to mature, but keep on growing and maturing as they get older.. Whereas woman seem to plateau at a younger age mentally.
@@ZFosterZ Women have x2 speed of maturity, but they got a lower level cap for it basically. It's because men can develop logic and reason to a much higher extend, while women get more in touch with feelings. It's just that logic and reason are slower developed skills, so men who are 25 are much more mature than they were at 18, and even bigger difference to 35 - 45
It’s highly narcissistic…my ex wife acted out a lot of these traits. I can honestly speak as a man who’s gone through starting my life over at 40 just how much picking the wrong partner can indeed ruin your life.
I’m 8 years removed from that situation and still trying to get back to where I was.
Denial might be the most infuriating to me. This happens not only with my girlfriends but weirdly my older sister. I'll be helping our handicapped dad with something and she'll stand off to the side and say "you're not doing anything!" while I'm holding up 200 pounds of dead weight. And all I'll say back is "what do you mean, not doing anything?" And she'll shoot me this sarcastic look and go, "uhh, no I didn't say that" Ugh
immediatley say "dont say $ish like that to me" because either way she feels you are wrong or you are right, you have set a boundarie thats ay dont do it at all with me... ever
She is telling you that she doesn’t think you are doing much if anything and that’s what she really thinks and probably what she says to everyone she complains to.
Invite her to lift the object. I’ve carried massive weight in furniture. If they think I’m doing nothing, I invite the to lift it up.
Most won’t even try. But if they still criticize, it’s all them now. They carry the furniture or it stays where I leave it, outside on the curb.
Physical results are factual results. Data cannot lie, and that’s her pathetic pencils snapping under extreme weight.
I'm starting to think that most women could be sociopaths. Maybe even psychopaths. There are many similarities between the two but the main difference is that psychopaths are born that way but sociopaths are created.
@@SRMoore1178 The reason we don't diagnose 90% of women with psychopathy is because the standards are different for men and women.
Recently I've realised that my mum never directly complements, encourages or helps celebrate my efforts and achievements in life.
The best I get is a lack of criticism when I do well or achieve personal success.
I’ve only see a handful of your videos recently, as my wife and I have been going through this. After years of me making “progress” I looked back and saw that none of my complaints has ever once been acknowledged or worked on. Not once. I have lost every battle in my relationship to four of these five tactics and I can’t thank you enough for helping me to understand more clearly what I’m experiencing. I surely feel less alone.
I remember the nursery rhyme from when I was a young child.
"Girls are made of sugar and spice and all things nice, Boys are made of dogs and snails and poppy dog tails...." Social conditioning on men to always view women in the most favorable light starts early in life. It leads many men not wanting to see any malign intent in women and tolerate behavors they would not accept in a male counterpart.
We had to sing "anything men can do we can do better". Pure misandry from kindergarten
@@everythingisupsidedown9593 The thing about that anything you can do I can do better is that it is from Annie Get Your Gun, about Annie Oakley who had a freaking ability with guns. But that is so rare an ability that no-one can generalise from it.
Snips and snails"
But yeah
Women have something you want, like a boss with a paycheck. When your boss tells you to do work that you are over qualified for, or complete personal tasks for them, unrelated to the business, sometimes people don't recognize this as abusive behavior. Similarly, women can put you in situations they shouldn't, but you ignore that behavior because they have something you want.
The denial one is so much gaslighting. It's a rough one, and sticks with you.
Oli, never forget that you also have something she needs. She either changed her abusiveness or you abort mission. Easy! Same with the job: start looking for something else.
Never think you have nothing to offer or that you don't deserve better, brother!
Money is the only game in life, you have to play. Dating is optional. Caring less is true power.
I think that this falls under the category of what is called " coerced response".
Make it clear that you don't want it that badly.
You forgot number 6. Screaming.
and crying
Excellent video! It's all true. I pointed out to my girlfriend that what she was saying was the exact opposite of what she had said 2 minutes earlier. She told me I was living in the past! Women absolutely refuse to be held accountable for what they say or do.
This is a pretty neat summary of my 12 years marriage (with a single mom). Thanks, I whish I have known all this 14 years ago. Would have saved me so much trouble and health.
@@cv6176 Agreed. If I were to add something, never see them more than 2 or 3 times and never engage with them too much inbetween or after.
This video needs at least 100 million views, this is how important that is video is
Thank you Alex from the bottom of my heart and soul.
17 years sent me to some dark places and her gaslighting has turned friends and family against me…. Now I’m all alone and left wondering what happened, and you just gave me justification and clarity.
Trivializing is the one I have experienced the most. Especially from my mother and 4 sisters. As a child, I was wrong about everything and even as a man, my opinion was always "not a big deal" or "you're exaggerating". They wonder why I never come around anymore...
Last time I was visiting with family, I gently disagreed with a sister's opinion about the 2A (US) and was sneered at, and even aggressively charged by an overweight sister as if she was going to assault me. I'm a 220 lb, muscular 40 year old man, and she assumed that I would do nothing. Of course I didn't do anything but just left, because had I even defended myself I would've immediately been "over the top" or "out of control".
Now when my sisters visit my parents and they want me to bring my kids over and hang out, I just ask, "well, what if I say something she doesn't like? I can't accept the risk or liability presented by my sisters' actions."
Don't even get me started about my ex wife...
Sean Connery never had women attacking him
It is perfectly fine to exit your family. And keep your children safely away from them, they deserve this.
@@nephilimshammer9567 The women of his day were not raised to be so narcissistic, nor could they get away with it so easily.
Sounds like my sister. She's the most vile person I've ever met. Always degrading me in public and mocking me with her coworkers.
When my ex first met my sister she told me later thar my sisters need to undermine everything I said and put me down constantly made her mad.
@@Th3BigBoy cut them off completely
2 minutes in and I am immediately thinking of how Jada Pinkett Smith treats Will Smith.
Honestly, assuming you’re the type of well-adjusted, righteous guy, (the type of person he usually refers to as “High Quality”) finding a stable, secure, and happy relationship is ultimately down to you vetting well, but 90% of "the search" is simply down to dumb luck. Alex wouldn't disagree with the fact that, for men, finding a partner is way harder than it is for women. The vast majority of women would obviously say the opposite, but objectively speaking, trying to get AND keep a man happy is child's play compared to trying to get and keep a woman happy. But the thing is is that even if you are a "high quality man", lot's of women can be chameleons (I find that and many other terms like it quite cringy by the way lol). They may do certain things, or say they like something more than they actually do in attempts to convince themselves that they are attractive to the man they want whilst also trying to lure him in. And then one's he's committed to her, she doesn't do those things any more. Basically what some would call the "bait and switch". Some women are better chameleons than others, and some can be a chameleon for longer durations of time. Some women may make retorts like "what about the men who go back on their word" or "well, what about men who are players?" or "what about the men who lie to get women". What most women don't realize is that most men are decent, average guys, just like how most women are average. And most guys are not going to blatantly lie to them to try to get a one night stand (which most men can't do as effortlessly as women think anyways. Also too many average women turn their noses up at average guys) These men who tend to be players usually BLATANTLY lie, whereas chameleons may actually convince themselves that they like what the man they find attractive also likes, but as soon as they get commitment from the guy, they may slowly stop doing said thing without even consciously realizing. On a side note, I find it funny we consider women to be the more "socially aware" between the two sexes, and the sex with a better "BS detector". But, they always manage to just "stumble" into relationships with players, abusers, and with men they shouldn't have been involving themselves with (oftentimes while turning down the hardworking, decent guy). Neither sex has a monopoly on "social awareness" when it comes to relationships.
On another side note, women tend to bring up these type of guys who are players because, unfortunately, those are the men they tend to have eyes for. Also I’m curious what other people think. There's an argument to be made that the vetting process for men is harder than it is for women, not only because of the aforementioned point about chameleons, but also it is generally easier to spot a man who isn't good for you than it is a woman. I say that because women tend to be attracted to men with Dark triad type traits while men tend to be attracted to women who are the opposite of those traits. Dark triad traits are certainly not conducive to a healthy relationship, so seeing a man who displays those should be a large warning sign for women. But they are usually drawn to it, and sometimes will flat out admit that a guy is no good for them but they chase after him anyways. However, it's harder to spot the red flags in someone who is portraying themselves as “sweet” or “kind” and/or “innocent”, words that are not really associated with the Dark Triad personality (if not considered as the opposite). So, there isn’t as much of a “warning sign” for men to spot, or at least not as easily. And even though it may be a stretch, given that women tend to be drawn to traits like that...could it be argued that the characteristics that men tend to be drawn to in women are more conducive to forming healthy relationships, as opposed to women being drawn to traits that "badboys" have, which most psychologically healthy and moral men (and women) don't display.....just food for thought.
Another point I wanted to make is that regardless of whether a man is "high quality" or not, any woman, if she feels like she "Isn't happy anymore" (a statement usually made in a marriage) or is just vindictive, can destroy him emotionally (especially if they have children together), financially (usually when married), and socially (harming his reputation). Of course not every woman would do this (or even some of the things I mentioned in the first paragraph), but every woman can, and many of them do.
One last point, to be fair, I didn’t watch the whole video where Alex talks about his family, more specifically the relationship with his girlfriend, who I believe he said he met at a young age and has been with for quite some time now, so I could be getting this wrong. But, I think because of his relationship success and ability to find a “high quality woman” it sort of skews his perception a bit. There’s really not at all many "high quality women" out there, and I think the number of them are even smaller than he’d care to admit. As ironic as what I am about to say may sound, considering the title of this video and the topics of most of his other videos, I think Alex can sometimes get caught up in ideals and what "sounds good" rather than how people (especially women) actually are.
By no means am I trying to say that there are no happy, long lasting relationships. I've seen some.....probably like less than 5 (lol). But through this long rant (which originally wasn't supposed to be one lol) I was basically just trying to state how finding these types of relationships are, yes, down to vetting well, but a large portion of it is just sheer dumb luck.
I normally don’t read super long comments. But yours was so well written that I read all the way to the end 👌
@S R may the odds ever be in your favour
That was bit harder to read from phone but you are correct with your observation and pointslpp
Keep your points concise and precise to the point to avoid long paragraphs especially your first big paragraph
If you end up needing long sentences then break these sentences and paragraphs to sizeable chunks depending on context
Reality is a complex problem where most people don't have answer/solutions to their problems in our case romance , love and relationships because of lack of information or experience
Honesty and open true information should free us from difficult problem of reality in relationships eg it would be better if we had info of x persons cheating rate, body count and behaviour before relationship are started because it is waste of time to deal with people with negative stats compared to positive stats but these infos are hard to get right now which will change in the future and this will bring game changer rules to future of modern dating and relationships
The reality gets more grim and worse the more data I analyze
@@facelessandnameless Haha thank you. I was worried that the length might deter people from reading it.
@@mickmoon6887 Yeah sorry about the length. The entire time I was writing that I was worried people wouldn't read it because it was so long. It was all coming from the top of my head as I was writing. Lol
i had all these 5 things in my previous (first and probably last) relationship,it was 24-7 guilt , dissatisfaction , anger ; now i am finally out and doing much better with my life . thank you for this video Alexander. love from india
In my last relationship, she used the Denial method constantly and even tried to make me think I was going crazy. I'd tell her something she did or said, and she would deny and then tell me she was worried about me because I was remembering things incorrectly. She also tried to say I did and said all these things I would never do. I admit at first I was second guessing myself and saying I was wrong.
Gaslighting
@@GraveRave , bingo
The more I know about female nature, the less I want a relationship.
Yes exactly.
Is humanity worth saving, one good deed at a time?
Women have unremitting greediness for next best thing her survival instinct doesn't allow her to truly love a person, they can only love you superficially.
my thoughts exactly
@@WonZZY2003 Agree on hypergamy. Man also seek the next best thing and not only businesslike. It’s all about evolving. But to say an emotional being as a woman loves just superficial is Nonsens. They are just less loyal when they start to get confused, upset…
We are socialized to disregard our own emotions except for the ones that women find useful or comfortable. Our mothers start us off this way. We are shamed to the point that we become alienated from ourselves and then women and society tell us that the key to emotional fulfillment is in a relationship with a woman. We then attempt to use women to experience our own emotions vicariously through them. It is a complete and total takeover of what makes a person a person. And since it is an invisible type of power and very subtle it is much more potent than physical domination. Throughout the long history of armies slaughtering one another in the name of the King, there's always been a queen or a mistress in the castle whispering to him " you know what would reallllly make me happy ...." And men are such suckers for this. WAKE UP
Just be a CHAD no emotions until you are alone
They'll say that men have problems they need to be open about, but whenever a man has an issue it's always conveniently illegitimate and either their fault for secretly being a bad person or the fault of men throughout history for apparently arbitrarily deciding to create problems for themselves in order to gain power (women may or may not have an itsy bitsy teeny weeny tiny little part to play as well, but you started it!). But whenever a woman has a problem then suddenly it's you who has to be "emotionally intelligent" to her issues and give her "basic human respect" (meaning treat me better than you'd treat an average man but not as much as the average women). Then they'll wonder why men don't show emotion, but use it against them at every turn. If you're in any way frustrated you're an angry beast on the verge of rampage. If you do cry you're being selfish and entitled and childish for not taking on the burdens of women and putting yourself first.
You should definitely do a TH-cam on this.
@@ADUAquascaping I've kind of shifted into this naturally as I've gotten older and made some lifestyle changes. By default in my early years I was raised around women in a female dominant environment. Now for the most part I only deal with women when I'm selling them something. They're around in the periphery but sort of like a parallel world that exists next to the male world. And at this point in my life I really don't care what they think. It's taken me a long time. But now I am more relaxed around women than I have ever been; sometimes I flirt and chat, and I can draw great energy and inspiration from being around feminine energy much in the same way that I will feel refreshed after spending time near a body of water or a beautiful grove of trees. But the trees opinions have no merit in my world nor do they care about me and that's fine.
Great points
She Divorced me after 32 years.
This vid is exactly on spot, I agree with every word. I dealt with Narcissistic, gaslighting, angery behavior. I just didn't realize how bad it was until I was away from her.
She did me a favor ultimately.
It’s been about a year since my break up, even thou I’ve come to the conclusion that it was both of our faults the relationship didn’t work out, watching this really opened my eyes and helped me realize that she had a LOT more to do with the toxicity than I thought, it’s crazy what someone who’s in tune with their manipulation skills can do to you
Here’s a few more you should do a video about.
Women who get upset with you because you got upset about something they did wrong.
I’ve met women who will do bad things and then when confronted become upset that the man was upset about her misbehavior.
Or women who will withhold affection when they are upset. It’s an abusive tactic to withhold love and affection as a punishment.
Yeah dump them its called ZERO accountability or responsibility
CrimsonTheOriginal If you have upset your woman, don’t be surprised when she’s turned off by you and therefore doesn’t feel like giving you affection.
@@mariasmith7338 The point of this post is that women don't take accountability. In this case, the man is upset by her behavior and she flips it around and becomes upset. Your response references a different issue. One where the man has upset the woman.
@@mariasmith7338yeah, but she shouldn’t just be upset because you called her out on something she did wrong. Like if you can’t move through that, what’s the point of even having affection in the first place? That’s what op is saying. It’s not that he wanted affection, it’s that he wanted affection from his wife who is being a complete you know what.
Are you in the comments just to ignore people…or are you just trying to play games? 😂
The wrong woman can ruin your life 100% agree, and it fucks up with your mental. My ex wife, had all those characteristics denial, diverting, minimizing & it drove me nuts because i was trying my best to keep us together. I can admit that i wasn't emotional healthy and overreacted to the triggers that occurred,but i was willing to work through them. She however just avoided me like i didn't matter whenever i raised issues in our relationship,Till I got tired &just cut her off permanently despite having a child together
Awesome content. For all the “pro men” information out there, what we really need is to catch manipulative tactics. This needs to be out in the open and common knowledge.
Should be required from age 12 - same with a class on 'manipulation tactics by the media and government' - after that, most will be RP.
I literally told a woman trying to be in my life and engaging in emotionally abusive behaviour. She would call and I would tell her I'm working and instead of going, "oh I'm sorry, I'll call you at a better time" she just goes on talking as if I haven't just told her she's interrupting me. You see how subtle that is? I told her off about it and she gaslit me and I told her she was emotionally abusive. She continued to deny and to trivialise my concerns. I told her there is no way I'm paying to be made miserable and she can go make someone else miserable. She never blocked me. The most important thing is if you're feeling bad about it and she's not prepared to do anything about it, get out. It's only ever going to get worse.✌🏿
Facts brother. If she trivilises anything from the jump then its time to gap before you get more attatched. Theres no way to talk a chick out of these behaviours and if shes comfortable doing them 3, 6, 12 months into the relationship then imagine the hellscape youll be living in when youre married.
thank you for being so loud about this, Im one of the guys that grew up in such a household, all females on my mothers side of the family pull all these cards pretty much every day in every conversation. It was a norm to me and had a very long very bad depression, took me 8 years of terrible relationships with exactly the women that behave like this, 5 years of psychotherapy and about 3 years of travelling to let it all sink in. I ended up cutting ties with my family completely, there is no way they will ever understand how shitty they are to everyone around them.
Had all this done to me. Life ruined (and severely hurt my child too). She will hit me one minute and deny she touched me the next... Plus she will claim I'm abusive. Pure evil and the ONLY SOLUTION is to run as far away as possible. You cannot out talk her and nobody will believe you.
I literally moved to the other side of the world. 12 hours time difference 😂
A lot of female behavior comes down to social and emotional maintenance. It's not so much about a woman's desire to look good and feel good that drives her behavior, it's more the terror of looking bad and feeling bad. Pain is a far greater motivator, and unless she's truly empathetic, only her pain matters here, not yours.
Surely this means that at an inherent level women cannot be "good", decent people for what motivates them is purely selfish
Bingo! It's a twisted version of perfectionism & self-loathing...unfortunnately w/o an accountability: it's everyone else's fault
They don't have real empathy , just virtue signalling empathy.
Sadly, I came across your channel just two years ago. I had been in an abusive relationship for nearly 20 years. We met when I was 30 and now I am 56. Yes, my life has largely been stolen. I just hope that your messages reach as many as possible. Keep up the good work.
"Accuse Your Enemy Of What You Are Doing, As You Are Doing It"
Alex I've listened to this entire video and one of the nice things about it is, that apart from the info itself, you are so articulate and sharp in your speech and communication. Amazing and a joy to listen to. None of your sentences were messy or fuzzy, its amazing how pleasing it was to listen to. And that's coming from a guy haha, your voice and skill of expressing yourself is really really good.
This is what I fell for - I was accused of emotional blackmail and denying her feelings but it made me so focused on what I'd done wrong I didn't realise I was reacting to her doing them to me in the first place. Maybe I'm naive but I'm not sure she realised, and I wonder if I'd called her out we could have forgave each other properly and moved on. Instead I lost a lot of respect for her and broke up a few months later.
In my experience, they seldom admit it it and, if they do, almost never do any real work with themselves to improve it. Therapists can be echo chambers of narcissists as well.
As someone who was in a similar place, calling her out doesnt cause forgiveness. At best it will lead to her giving a shallow apology and then demanding that you apologise as well even though it was ultimately caused by her. It got so bad that i wouldnt actually be able to call out her shitty behaviour unless i took note of it and did/said the same thing to her a day later. If I didnt do that she would claim either it didnt happen, that she cant understand what im saying, or that im overreacting. Yet when id do it to her shed act like i slapped her for no reason.
@@callanc3925 That gaslighting sounds nasty. Yeah I guess she has already justified her actions to herself, and if she was inclined to be considerate of you she wouldn't have done those things in the first place.
I was in a 17 years relationship until I divorced 3 years ago. My ex-wife checked all of the boxes mentioned in this video (and more).
After divorcing, I felt very alone and did a big mistake because I panicked… …I began a new relationship.
Even though it wasn’t as bad as my previous relationship, it wasn’t fulfilling either as that person was quite codependent. I ended it and felt very bad because she wasn’t a bad person, just very clingy.
It’s been almost a year since I ended that relationship and I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself.
What I realized is that high quality women are out there, but you have to be very LUCKY to meet one. Going on Tinder won’t help, In fact, it will probably make your situation worse.
Trying to attract a quality women isn’t working for me at the moment and I decided to let it go and to focus on myself. I just transformed by body and mind and accepted my own truth.
More importantly, I accepted the possibility of being alone for the rest of my life and it’s ok (although I would like to share intimacy at times).
But having intimacy just for the sake of it isn’t worth it as it comes with several other issues relating with females.
Just love yourself guys! No woman will love you unless you fit within their frame, which will make you unhappy and miserable.
Can you accept the fact that you’ll be alone for the rest of your life and stop chasing women?
Oh man this was a good one alexander! I'm 65 years old and you're bringing back all sorts of things from the way my mother treated me.
How did a young man like you get so wise on this. Took me a lifetime to see this stuff.
It's all spot on. Well done.
Honestly, the trick with these kinds of toxic relationships are that you'll never see them immediately, especially while you're being love-bombed. In my experience the beginning of every toxic relationship is incredible . Physically, emotionally, and even spiritually this person is checking all of your boxes and you've developed feelings very fast. It genuinely feels like you've found someone incredible, it feels like it's your turn now, you deserve this great relationship, you deserve love too.
You will find out a month in when the façade starts falling apart. It starts with diminishing your experience by them saying so much heavy stuff about everything they are dealing with that they don't have enough time for you. Inevitably they throw some guilt in there and say that everybody always leaves them so you stick around because you don't want to be like everybody else, you're better right? Meanwhile during that time they continue to do whatever they want but you're left in limbo meaning that you're kind of anxious to have their attention back because there's just this void now and if you aren't giving her enough attention or power then she'll just not speak to you. Yet if you give her too much then she's going to be unhappy with that too so you're just in an uncomfortable position because of her bad communication skills.
Another tool that covert narcissist women will use is that they will take a situation where they are at fault and fess up to the fault and act like it's resolved and that they're going to work on some kind of resolution for the future. In your mind that's exactly what you wanted and you are content as you think you're both on the same page. No one expects or really wants a perfect partner, we all make mistakes and those mistakes can often be ameliorated by talking about the issue and setting or resetting healthy boundaries. You should really sit down and get to know each other and what the problems are that need to be addressed. Internally though, she feels like a scolded child and will probably find ways around the boundary that you just set because she doesn't want to follow it anyway, otherwise she would have been doing it already. She just accepted that she messed up verbally because she knows that you wouldn't put up with her otherwise, so she'll "take the L" to keep you around but honestly has no intention of changing her behavior or will shift blame. All of this is because of her crippling fear of abandonment, she would rather admit that she was wrong about something to your face to keep you around, but not out of magnanimity. It's not a positive reason, it's just that she doesn't want to be left without a constant supply of attention and affection because she *needs* it to be happy with herself and feel reassured that she is a good person externally.
Next is lying about small things and then later big things. You won't really know what they're lying about until you catch them in it but generally it's going to start being impropriety with their friends, like they're too close to some of them or I actually think it's a red flag now for people to just run up and hug all their friends all the time just because they're *too* friendly. You'll find about a month in that they're not really that nice, they often talk sh*t about half of the people that they are quite nice to in person right after. I could go on and on about this but I urge people to research the signs of narcissism in women, not just grandiose but covert as well. There are quite a few good TH-camrs like Dr Ramani that project a little bit because of their own bad pasts with narcissists, but you have to arm yourself with knowledge about this because narcissists are attracted to empaths like moths to a light honestly
My mother was like this. Drove my dad crazy.
I used to deal with most of these with my ex. Anytime I'd get upset with her she'd accuse me of being too loud. There was never a right time to bring up problems. It we were fighting she wouldn't talk things through to resolution because I just wanted to fight. If it was a good day and I'd bring it up because there was no tension, she'd say I was trying to ruin the mood. When I tried to have her make a list of what she needed to be happy she'd try and avoid it and when I fulfilled it she'd act like I was being difficult. She even accused me of being gay.
Fortunately, I looked at her attempts to drive me crazy as mental illness on her part. The only upside of this Hell was she wanted to get out of our 18-year marriage so bad she told me that she needed $5,000 for a down payment on a townhouse and a quick divorce or she'd get a lawyer and try and get all she could for me making her miss this opportunity. At that point I figured I already did all I could to help her and save things and could move on with no regrets I didn't do more.
I can't thank you enough for posting this video. I was in an abusive relationship with a narcissist who literally do all of these gas lighting tactics on me. For the longest time, I suspected that she was cheating on me but whenever I brought it up she denied it, trivialized my feeling, and follow it up with emotional blackmail. When I found proof of her cheating on me she kept denying it. I still allowed her the chance to prove her innocence (the biggest mistake I made). Yet, she withheld the conversation by diverting it and shifting the blame on me saying that I disrespect her for even thinking that she would do something like that. I ended the relationship that day, but as you can see she was gaslighting me till the end without me even realizing it. Your video help me re-affirm and understand so much about how these tactics were used on me, I will make sure this will never happen again
As someone who grew up as one of like three male cousins in a large family, I can tell you the society of girls is based on a fluctuating hierarchy. In order to take the top spot on any given day, or even minute to minute, they learn to manipulate. They use their innate knack for non- verbal communication and social cues to learn their manipulation tactics and by the time they reach adulthood they are EXPERTS at it. The tactics given in the video are not necessarily only used on men. They use them on anyone they want to get their way with.
This is worse than what I thought
Facts !!
@@lucario7327 You were fighting?? I think you meant to say "thought", not "fought".
@@markaurelius61 fight ty
Well articulated. I love the internet. Thx.
Key to all this is that men should give themselves some value and self respect, never ever settle for disrespect, if you call it out as soon as you detect it, trust me the girl apologizes really quick, cuz they always like to test your limit
Trust you? The girl will apologise? Hah! You haven't had much experience with women, my friend.
@@Rampart.X They do. In Hollywood movies - so men 'think' women hold themselves accountable - I don't remember seeing it in the wild though (or, it was so halfhearted/calculating, it was not convincing).
@@Rampart.X yes,they do apologize if you keep them in check,but that doesn't change the fact that they will repeat the bad behavior. You can keep them in check,but do we want to be tested everyday of our lives is a different question we have to ask ourselves. It slowly wears you down.
The girl often doesnt apologise real quick. At best she will likely try to minimise what it was, tell you it didnt happen like that, not understand what youre talking about, then maybe give you shallow apology that you got so upset (i.e. not actually apologise for what she did). Then she wont stop the behaviour but she will try harder to hide it from you because she doesnt see it as a problem she just doesnt want to have to have that conversation again.
If they are testing my limits, they have passed my limit and they are out.
I was driven to the brink of madness, lost my sanity, and didn't know what true or false, real or made up. The woman I dated used all of these tricks...ALL OF THEM EXTREMELY EFFECTIVELY.
Even when you are aware of these tricks. That doesn't mean you can truly fight against all of them. You will ALWAYS LOSE at the -Denial Card-.
When I started losing my mind from these cards being played. I asked my now Ex Girlfriend (YAY) this question...
"Let's say I saw you cheating on me. I knew who it was with, when, the time of day, where, and what you did with them. Let's say, I saw the entire deed from start to finish and didn't interrupt just to see what was going to happen.Let's say my phone was dead so no photos or video.
I saw it all with my owe eyes. Later on I confront you about every detail.
Would you admit the truth?
Her answer honestly scared me to the bone due to what it said about her as a person. She said.....
NO. You have no proof any of it happened.
WTF!?! The way she said it. Cold with no soul behind her eyes. I knew I had to get far far away from her.
....unfortunately she lives 2 streets away.
Solid video. Ex used 4/5 of these against me, somewhat unsuccessfully, before she broke up with me saying "You're too strong". It was sad to lose a decent relationship due to her losing to her weaknesses when she doubled down on avoiding accountability.
At this point in my life(I'm nearly 25) I'm more surprised to find a woman that doesn't have NPD than to find one that does.
My mother uses diversion form of gaslighting on me, and still uses it on me whenever she tries to gaslight me saying I don't at all help her out, when in reality I am the one filling out her excel spreadsheets and typing out her question papers for school. Other than this, she also uses denial one for denying that she never hit me badly or scolded me on the regular basis during my childhood, saying that she hardly ever hit me. Thanks for the video Alexander
Even my mom do this to me while we are having an argument. Is there a way to make her understand this is bad?
@@vasanr2839 I have failed to explain it to her that this isn't something one should be doing. She isn't even able to comprehend how this is bad
Currycel hare.
This is Monday to Sunday.
@@unknowninfinium4353 I am currycel as well lol
@@user-nq5hy7vn9k Keep grinding, focus on cash. If you have friends then that's good otherwise dont bother.
Money, money, money. Your life. That's it.
Then watch how people gravitate to you.
Alexander you are spot on. I had a long term friendship relationship with two woman. Both of these woman gaslighted me exactly as you say with denial. Both woman are attractive. I'm done with suppressing my feelings of attraction trying to accept the crumbs of attention they throw me trying to maintain a female friendship. I addressed the gaslighting issues with both woman and gave them a chance to rectify their behavior to me. I think you are exactly right when you say woman are so used to doing this crap they are not even aware they do it. Unfortunately I had to end both these long term female friendships to maintain my mental health. I'm taking steps now and I am open to find a better class of friends. Your work here is good. You really have been helpful to me.
Almost a perfect description of my first (and only) wife. Left out the promises made with no intention of keeping them. Though that does fall loosely into "denial", it feels like a double-edged sword. I feel fortunate to have survived, minus optimism about loves ability to overcome obstacles. Carry on, my brother!
It happens in the workplace too. Some female colleagues can make their male counterparts lives a hell on earth using the same malicious tactics. Fun fact is that those women cant do against other women as they are quickly called out..
If you discuss a relationship with a woman and you want her to do something in the relationship and she says 'I will try' it literally means she will not do it.
Its the same reason why at a certain point theres no reason to call out bad behaviour in the hopes she'll fix it. For anything sizeable it will only tell her that she needs to hide it and its better off for you to cut your losses
#2 trivialising: Yes, experienced this one with a girl I was seeing who I ended things with recently. We had some arguments during our relationship and in all of them went the same way. She would try to get me on something, and when she realised she wasn't getting anywhere she would change the subject of the argument and after a few attempts to beat me that way, she would finally just make the argument about how I had "invalidated her feelings". I guess she felt like that was getting her somewhere because she started developing this narrative about how I was supposedly chronically insensitive and hurtful towards her. One time I got upset at her because she was attention-seeking whilst I was trying to do some important stuff and she accused me of getting "pouty" - after all these lectures she gave me about not being sufficiently considerate of her feelings!!!! Literally later that day she gave me a talking to about the importance of considering the other person's feelings in a relationship. It's exactly as you say Alexander - they want a guy who's in touch with his emotions, until he has some emotions that she doesn't approve of. Then she'll put you in your place with gaslighting, shaming and whatever other emotionally abusive tricks are in her arsenal. It was simply mind-blowing. I don't know what goes on in the minds of these women; they're either unbelievably solipsistic or there is some seriously dark stuff going on in there. Either way, I'm pleased to be out of there. Thanks for all of your content, Alexander. You are doing much
The craziest thing is these chicks who say "they want a guy whos in touch with their emotions" are the least in touch with their emotions. Those girls are run by their emotions. They have no control over them, they can hardly even identify them properly. People need to learn that being "emotional" and being "in touch with your emotions" are essentially opposites.
@@callanc3925 Very well put there, man. It's totally different to have a healthy relationship with your emotional self than having a psyche completely dominated by your emotions, which a lot of chicks have.
- I didn't say that!
- Oh you most definetly did.
- Well then I'm sure I've had a very good reason!
Every young man should be taught this before he is 20. This is such an important lesson.
The examples from a previous relationship I had are:
withholding: "I don't want to talk about this right now."
Trivializing: "you're being overly sensative right now" or "wow, you're so sensative"
denial: "we already talked about me quitting my job" or "youve never been a good dad"
diverting:"you always make me feel like I'm not trying and a terrible parent"
stereptyping:"who has heard of a woman not getting her kids, youre so controlling"
It's actually pretty crazy, now after analyzing my past relationships and observing others, this all rings true and has been used by every woman I know including my mother...
My depression.. it's getting worse.. I really don't know how I even manage to make it to the next day after being raised by a single mother and 4 aunts and then having been on the receiving end of all 5 of these abuses and building up depression over the years.
Finding channels like these opened my eyes.
But opening my eyes from a terrible dream only to see the dark truth makes me even more depressed.
Brother, don't give up as there are many positive things in life besides relationships. After 10 years of abuse and a child from her I couldn't stand it anymore and ended it. Now i feel great and i am in the best shape of my life. Keep grinding there is light at the end of the dark tunnel.
Do you need a man you can talk to ??
Once your eyes are open, perhaps you can identify such behaviours and safeguard yourself but you realize that you are ALONE in the world.
If you believe in God then have faith. If not, then do meditation. Else, you'll go mad.
I hate to say this but in my experience pretty much 100% of women do all 5 of these. Even in "normal" relationships. They are masters in the art of avoiding accountability and all 5 of theses are tactics in that playbook.
It really depends on how they were raised, so many women are raised like spoiled brats unfortunately.
Masters of the art of not avoiding accountabily, this should be the sentenced as a tattoo for many girls
Uhhhh just date someone who isn't the quality of a toothbrush.
Take away the vagina. Do they remain masters?
I'm married for quite a few years now, going through a horrible phase and thinking about divorce. I have my share of the blame for problems in the relationship, but for all these years, like Bill Burr said in a stand up once, it seems we are always working on me and my flaws. Never the reverse. And we rarely have sex anymore but the lack of drive comes from me. I've been humiliated quite a few times during the act(putting my masculinity in check) as I am no expert and try my best, and my will to do it as plummeted to the point I never feel like doing it.
is she that great in bed then? lol
Alexander thanks a lot for making these videos. ive had my head messed with hard by a woman i last dated and she checks all the red flags of manipulation you're discussing in this video. with every month she made me believe more and more everything is my fault and im entirely to blame for issues in our relationship. she refused to engage in conversation. never thanked for anything. i went further and beyond to please her and it was like whatever i did was irrelevant and not important at all. constantly guilt tripping me. constantly shaming me. spent quite a bit of money on her and comparative amount on therapists in the past year just to get me out of the rut of self misery and non-stop heavy suicidal tendencies. wish i'd find your videos sooner. you helped me clear up my overwhelming confusion of this clusterfuck of a relationship in just a few of your videos i watched. very based. thanks a bunch. signed up to support you on patreon.
I AM SoOOOOO sorry !
This is aweful . I hurt for u even tho u r stranger . I have had a female friend who’s histrionic boarderline like that . She came of skittish n always a victim , I got sucked into it to help her with all sorts things . Same as my Husband that has dated a woman decade ago!
Just let u know that is very likely they have ASPERGERS-- which 2-4% ppl have ! (My mom had that ) depends what sector u r in . In IT, programming , engineering , Finance . It has HIGHer numbers ppl have that . They will suck u dry emotionally like vampire n exhausting lol ne tho they r usually above average in IQ ! So just please be aware most ppl are not like that . If ever meet one like that n happen to be selfish , it’s d worst combo. Most ppl have d drive to be different even if they have traumas . Like 👍🏻 me n my other friends .
This is extremely valuable-potentially even life saving-information. I think most guys believe they would never let themselves get into a position where any of this advice would matter because they're smarter than that. The thing is:
*Women don't defeat men in the realm of intelligence. They defeat men in the realm of emotion, which is infinitely more dangerous.*
The realm of irrationality will always be a losing battle.
@Gabe O There's nothing inherently more dangerous about emotion. It's only ignorance of it that can be dangerous.
@@crazywiener11 I will have to disagree. Emotion is not constrained by logic or reason, so it is often unpredictable and nonsensical. Intelligence is the reason why 100 scientists can each be faced with the same problem and all develop the same solution independently.
In the mind, intelligence is order, and emotion is disorder.
When a person consciously recognizes and reasons through their own emotions, they are choosing to use their intelligence to bring order to their emotion(disorder), but they could also choose not to, so the awareness of emotion alone will not prevent emotion from being dangerous.
Ultimately, intelligence alone doesn't even have the capacity to be dangerous without emotion, so emotion must be inherently more dangerous.
@Gabe O I see the intellect and emotions as working together, like you say. But I still think that neither are inherently dangerous in of themselves or that one is more dangerous than the other. They are both tools of understanding. Empty shells in of themselves, but in which common human patterns of thought and feeling occur respectively. For example, psychopaths have an emotional deficit and can be dangerous through their unrestrained rationality, whereas religious zealots can be dangerous through their irrationality and their unresolved emotion.
@@crazywiener11 I agree for the most part, but what makes the psychopath dangerous is what he desires, and desires are determined by emotion. If he has no desire to harm anyone, then he is no more dangerous than anyone else-potentially less so. Of course, this is abnormal psychology, which plays by its own rules in many cases.
The main thing for me is that intelligence is rational, so an intelligent person can reasonably predict how another similarly intelligent person will respond to an interaction-assuming that neither has succumbed to emotion. When you can accurately predict how someone will respond, then you have a much better chance of protecting yourself from danger if need be.
One important thing I think is important to keep in mind is that men's feelings are brushed aside by society or whatever because its possible for men to shrug off personal attention and still be productive. Usually that idea is framed as victimization and something to be taken advantage of.
Its framed as men being weak. Don't let that frame be what you see.
The truth is men are amazingly resilient and can power through so much. Yes, men's feelings are neglected. But that is only possible because we are so strong. Even in desperate times, men are capable of amazing feats. Remember how awesome you are, guys.
Thank you
Trivialising: My mother did this. Denial: An ex did this, it was her default position. Problem for her was I'm a stubborn bugger and knew she'd said the things she denied saying so I just knew she was lying.
Sir, I'm 67. Former US Army Green Beret. Combat Vet. You have changed my life more than any other way that I have experienced. I hear you loud and clear. Thank you.
My ex told me that if I could not remember something she said verbatim or have some record of it, it never happened. She trivialized just about everything when it came to my emotions or wants but magnified her own telling me, "Don't you know the saying, "Happy wife, happy life?"" and "It's your job to make me happy and if you're not doing it, then you're doing something wrong." She always accused me of gaslighting her. After our divorce, I thought I would gain peace and quiet in my home again after she left it. Little did I know, the worst was yet to come.
Whenever a chick tells you "happy wife happy life" either run, or tell her that the original meaning. Originally it meant "dont marry a chronically unhappy woman, because her unhappiness will spread." Its not an order for men to make their women happy, its an order for men to only get involved with positive women.
Bro cmon don't let us hang like that. Tell us what happened then.
Keeping perspective is the number one most important thing you can do to avoid entering into or staying in an abusive relationship. What makes it so hard in the beginning is your sexual desire and loved-up feelings overriding your rational thought process, and in a few years it will be the deep emotional connection you have with her and the strong aversion to walking away from the life you've built together. This is combined with the gradual way that abuse builds and develops (frog in boiling water situation) and how the abuser can isolate you slowly over time, keeping you away from support and counternarratives.
Some good ways to keep perspective are to make sure you regularly spend time with your friends, away from her, telling them when necessary about some of the problems you have with her, and see how they react. If they're good friends you've had for years you should take their opinions seriously. Also, spend a healthy amount of time away from her by yourself, doing hobbies, cycling, going to bookshops etc. Doing both of these things will not only be healthy for your relationship (which you should explain to her, and encourage her to do too) but it's also a great test for abuse, because an abusive woman will usually have a massive problem with you doing these things.
Also, if she ever hits you, even just a slap, you leave her. Immediately.
Maybe masochists have been ahead of the pack this whole time...there are a lot less people that can hurt you if pain is something that bring you joy 🤷♂️
1. Withholding
2. Trivializing
3. Denial
4. Diverting
5. Stereotyping
We know spot most of these but how about the regular dude, i feel bad for them. These are not easy to spot, most of the time.
The regular dude is set up for a ride he won't forget. No sympathy for ignorant guys.
gaslighting, don't forget gaslighting
@@latinhero1818 that's everyday female basics.
This is a great vid. Concise and accurate. Made me feel better about my past experiences
Yes,yes, yes,the wrong woman will destroy you, took me over two years to recover from a 5 year serious live in relationship with a narcissist,who was a Dr. And a Scorpio ,
This video is so valuable, thanks. At 18:00 you mention it isn't sex exclusive, and I realized I as a man am guilty of one these and I didn't even realize it. My father is guilty of at least one of these also. I'm going to make a conscious effort to cut this out and use this as a reference in the future.
True, it usually goes both ways. And people who dont indulge in toxic behaviour rarely tolerate toxic behaviour. They avoid those people.
I experienced gaslighting from my ex who turned out to be cheating on me towards the end. The worst part was that she was blatantly denying my suspicions that something was 'off' and she basically tried to make me feel guilty for her infidelity. I can say with full conviction that this experience was far more damaging and scarring to me than a time when I got jumped and physically attacked by a gang of douchebags (only physical pain). They are not even comparable in terms of magnitude of suffering yet it seems there's more (unnecessary) reflexive compassion to victims of physical pain compared to sympathy for those who suffer immense psycho-spiritual affliction, which is how I would call it if the relationship really mattered to you. Long story short I was suicidally motivated shortly after and ended up on anti depressants that also did lasting damage to my body; let's just say I was no longer able to be properly intimate with another woman for almost 2 years
Good luck man
G.M.H-J did all of those to me, the most painful was when I reminded her that she had bounced my head off of the window sill to which she replied "I didn't do that to you, you did it to me"
on the plus side, she showed me what narcissistic abuse is an what not to tolerate.
It will be eight years no contact soon.
Women dont look at men as humans they see us as resources and fun thats it. the sooner you see this the freedom comes. Just have fun on their terms dont get attached and keep working on your life goals chads
Thinking about it long as you don't get attached it seems like it could be fun
I only realized I was being abused very far into the relationship. Direct abuse would never work with me. I admit I'm not the sensitive type. That was also my first LTR and as someone who likes to have time for himself and be on his path, I could not have matched with someone worse. An overly attached GF, that wore her emotions as her skin. The first year of the RL was basically she training me to be more sensitive to her feelings and desires. I had no TIME for MYSELF ever. It didn't work in the very beginning, because I'm a low patience guy who always convinced himself that it's not worth to suffer for relationships/women (ever since I saw friends going through hell even in Highschool). But as we progressed I relaxed more and more and grew more attached.
Once she lost the fear that I'd drop her for being too pushy with me, she stopped apologizing for her wrongs, and only kept pushing me to do more for her and always think of her emotions. After her "training" was complete, almost 3 years into the relationship, I realized that all of the things she accused me of doing before, and battered me for it, while crying she's an (emotionally) abused victim, she was doing it to me more. And every time more openly with no more fear of backlash. Her hiding even became sloppy. I was so focused on trying to better understand her and correct my "wrongs" that I could not realize that she was doing it to me.
When I brought it up, she used mostly the trivializing technique. Dismissing it and making it like I was exaggerating. I then realized how she conditioned me to become softer and more caring of her feelings, while she was neglecting mine and gaslitghting me. I changed myself a lot for her because everything was about her and what she wanted to do, or see, or feel or whatever, and I had to be there for it no matter at what cost. Not even my job, studies, or anything could come in between, no. I needed to drop EVERYTHING to put her first. Since I'm not naturally this way, it was a slow process of her turning me into that. That's why I say direct abuse would not work because she sensed right away that I'd drop her in a heartbeat. Thus why in the beginning she always apologized vehemently when doing something wrong. Only by making me believe I was overly insensitive and abusive, she convinced me I had to change to do more for her, which ended up being me doing basically everything for her to my own detriment.
Similar experience here but she would simultaneously shame me for not being sensitive to her bullshit problems (someone lightly bumping into her on the street as if that doesn't happen to everyone) while dismissing some very serious issues I faced telling me to go talk to my friends about it. She also freaked out when I did work travel with a female colleague, however she lied about spending time with male orbiters despite agreeing to set respectful boundaries. The double standards were stacking up. She's off to the next victim now and seemingly being quite successful at it. She might be winning but at least I ain't losing!
@@XPMBblues Nope. Same thing then. I was also constantly shamed for not being sensitive enough. She'd cry her eyes out for very insignificant problems that for her I was not being sensitive enough, accusing me of a lot of things. And as you said, disregard my issues. The only difference is about the orbiters. While she did do the same as you described, it wasn't VERY often. Because for the most part she was up grinding my gears instead of giving me space. But yes, she was extremely jealous, too, while being carefree on her side.
Like Rich Cooper says "Betatization through a 1000 cuts"
This is one of the best (and most chilling) videos I've seen about female nature. Well done.
10:25 I had one person in my life who was like this. I genuinely think she believed it to be true.
We all know women ride their emotions. I think this particular women genuinely had no memory of things she'd said during an argument. Total split personality - all governed by her mood.
My mother became a pathological liar & I never found out if she was truly aware or not. My ex used all these tactics and more, I now realise because he was so emotional & ultimately, lacking in masculinity. In his case, there was substance abuse & he had no recollection of meaningless things too, so some of his denials may have been real. But in a way that made it worse, because there was truth mixed in with lies, & I never knew what to believe & my trust in him was long gone.
I never would have thought to call a woman sexist before I started listening to Alexander Grace. Thank you.
Jack Nicholson's character in the film 'As Good As It Gets' when asked by female fan ' Your books really mean so much to me, they get to my heart and my head, how do you write women so well'?
His answer; ' I start with a Man, and then I remove Reason and Accountability'.
So deep & true.
Thank you immensely.
🙏🏽
Thank you so much for highlighting topics like this, especially on such a volatile platform as TH-cam. Love the content
The worst part of this, in my eyes, is that you find on social media the idea that these behaviours are acceptable, that it's justifiable to use and abuse men as needed.
Yeah I'm a 65-year-old Caucasian male from the old school and the way women comport themselves shocks the hell out of me.
Another great video Alex! ALL men, (AND women for that matter), need to see/watch and really think about and take to heart this video! Very well said!
What a great video, thank you, Alexander!
I am actually living the Denial one and it baffles me, I actually did took notes and recorded just like you said, I really thought I had a problem with my memory.
🎯 Key Takeaways for quick navigation:
00:00 😡 This video discusses subtle forms of abuse in relationships, focusing on abusive behavior by women.
01:11 🤔 Abusive behavior by women can be more covert and harder to detect, making it potentially more dangerous.
03:01 🚫 The video highlights five tactics women may use in abusive relationships: withholding appreciation, trivializing emotions, denial of wrongdoing, diverting conversations, and using male stereotypes to shame men.
05:34 🗣️ It's important for men not to underestimate or tolerate abusive behavior and to demand better treatment in relationships.
09:34 ❌ Denial is considered one of the most harmful forms of gaslighting, as it can make the victim question their own sanity.
13:16 🔄 Diverting conversations by shifting topics can hinder productive communication and lead to frustration.
15:39 🙅♂️ Stereotyping men negatively to induce guilt and shame is an abusive tactic that should be rejected.
17:57 🙌 Recognizing and challenging harmful stereotypes about masculinity is essential for healthier relationships and self-worth.
18:11 🔄 Abusive behaviors are not gender-exclusive, and individuals should strive to break the cycle of abuse and seek help when needed.
Made with HARPA AI
Great example about how women do all of this uncounciously. I noticed that about my mother when we argue. As high quality a woman she is and she truly is a high quality woman college educated and all and not because she is my mother either, I am in my mid thirties so I can be objective about her femininity. Because I truly love her and she me, our disagreements never degenerate into total warfare of mutual destruction and I often call her out on her diverting or pivoting to something else just to justify her emotional state despite being confronted with evidence or justification contrary to her emotional state that initiated her emotional confrontation with me. When I see her diverting I are compare her to a CVT (constantly variable transmission) transmission just to let her know that she is diverting again. If I am wrong I confess and try to make it right because I love her and don't want to fight her just for the sake of it. From my perspective lots of relationships today just as in the past are based in the axiom of 'what he/she can do for me' not how can we complement each other and not be alone in the world. In other words maybe aka love, but who knows anymore.
Good job Alex. This whole video describes my 18 year marriage. I have been free and more importantly stress free since 2012. Thanks for this analysis.
Oh my God, Mr. Grace, this video has been so liberating. Really nails what I've been going through inspite of my best efforts. Thank you bro!
Thank you Alex for explaining. All of this happened to me and made me sick. So it s important to be aware and take care of yourself.
Your videos are getting better and better! Thank you Alexander.