all of us who have been following you for a while say this all the time, but once more... it's been a blessing to see you transition through so many different life stages in such an incredibly vulnerable way. thank you for sharing, I love these conversations and am excited to see the new ideas that you want to dive into xxx
I'm asexual and don't plan on having children but I always value your dialogue on sexuality and just being more in tune with ourselves. Thank you for sharing!
Thanks for the kindness yall! Yeah I'm definitely a very sex-positive ace person who finds sexuality a fascinating subject within itself, and thus learn alot when hearing from others. I don't desire to engage in sexual behavior but sexuality is obviously so much more than the physical stuff, which is what draws me to these discussions. I know there are a lot of sex-repulsed ace people who'd rather not have anything to do with sex but that doesn't mean they're against anyone having it lol. I can only speak for myself but asexuality is a very diverse spectrum too!
THANK YOU for being so vulnerable and honest. Sexuality can increase after pregnancy but that is not how society views the situation. As women we are shamed for keeping our sex drive, but also chastised for losing our sex life - so our husbands won't "get bored." It is an impossible double standard. So at some point I realized I'll never make everyone happy so I chose to prioritize making MYSELF happy. My husband and I took steps to help me feel comfortable in my body again and we explored our sexual roles, entering into the BDSM community. This only happened AFTER we had our child. Sex has never been better, but we are led to believe our life is over after kids and we can never be sexy/sexual again. UNTRUE!
I never thought I would see the day when you are embarrassed by a sex joke. I get it though, no one wants to feel like they are the butt of a joke. I’m glad you are so open about your feelings and you are able to reflect on them.
My therapist said the most amazing thing: Sprit is just another word for consciousness. So, “spiritual” sexiness is just another way of saying more conscious sexiness. And, nothing says more conscious than taking your time. Seriously, Shan, this is so beautiful and so exciting. Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us. I’ve never had kids, but I’ve definitely felt like a spectator. And while I consider myself spiritual, I haven’t taken the spiritual sexiness leap. This was very inspiring!
Put a ridiculous amount of lotion, coconut oil, shea butter or whatever like extra extra and then throw socks over it right before bed. This is what my Asian great aunts always taught me to do on hands and feet when dry and it works for me. Thank you for your honesty and bravery for sharing different sides of your sexual experience. It makes me feel good to know that everyone goes through ups and downs in their sexual journey. Thank you so much Shan.
SHAN. Your video made me so emotional because as you were talking about your situation, it was as if you were talking about me. I have a 1.5 year old and motherhood has changed so much of the intimate dynamics about myself. It’s been a struggle. I feel seen and not alone. ❤
I really appreciate your bravery for talking about this and it is such a relief to see what I’m struggling with reflected in someone who I deeply admire and look up to as a sexual being. Thanks for sharing your tips on how you’re going through this season of your life as a sexual being.
I really love how open Shan is about where she is in her life and in her relationships. It makes me as a viewer feel validated, related to, and normal in some of my personal experiences that are similar to that of hers. Most recently in my life (but for some time now), I have not felt very sexual and it’s been a mental insecurity/challenge as I am in a relationship with someone who enjoys sex and feels horny often. It’s been several months now that i’ve felt this way; consistently on birth control, then temporarily off, then back on because I realized it wasn’t the birth control, it was just me. I don’t know how long this is going to last but hearing Shan, a sexual Educator/ empowerer/successful/conventionally attractive/partnered person feel the same way as me makes me feel suuuper heard and seen.
They key is getting a regular babysitter and taking time to reconnect. Fatigue is a serious play on self image. Also, allow yourself time to love the womanly you.
Before having my baby I experienced from spectatoring. While I have yet to be intimate with my partner post baby I completely have no desire and I'm almost repulsed. I appreciate Shan giving these tips and advice. One thing I've always appreciated about Shan is that she's willing to put herself out there.
Thank you! I’m not a mom, but I am your age and often find myself falling into a low confidence/frumpy mindset that’s hard to get out of. This was relatable.
Thanks for mentioning this feeling when you experience imposter syndrome in the bedroom. Inspite of not having babies I am there too. Feel unsexy and clumsy, so preoccupied that I'm wrong person, that I can't engage and, embarrassingly, even dare to kiss or hug a person. Thankfully you kindly shared a book name and gave worthy pieces of advice.
Thank you for talking about this. I’ve had 2 kids the oldest is almost 5 and still struggle with getting into the sec mindset … for me, all of a sudden nothing in my body was sexual, it was to grow and feed, etc. the babies so my thoughts went to and sometimes still go to “sex is only for making babies”
Even though I don’t relate to your exact situation because I’m not a mother, I can definitely relate to the concept of spectatoring. As a plus size woman who didn’t start dating until her mid twenties, I have NEVER seen myself as sexy and even now, I rarely do. This information was SO helpful and gave me ideas to try. Thank you Shan!
I had my 3rd and final baby almost 3 years ago and my libido has been almost non existent. I'm pretty sure a lot of it stems from the way my body looks from pregnancy and also getting older(just hit 35 this year). I definitely needed this episode because I was seriously thinking about looking into sex drive medication or supplements...
@@faiza515 I know but I'm on birth control because I do not want anymore children. It's messing with my hormones. Being young ain't got nothing to do with it for me.
Lost my libido almost completely 5 years after my last child. I feel like I can’t blame childbirth. I’ve tried so many things and nothing helps. Doc says my hormones are within normal limits. Ugh I’m sad
You will get through this! As a mother of two I too experienced this and my only advise is to accept the now you and whoever else you become in this path of motherhood. You got this!
After becoming a mom, my view on my sexual self has changed! I enjoyed being pregnant because I was wettt all the time. Now, it’s just eh. Luckily he’s begun to up his technique, but I now feel less attractive. I am at my pre baby weight and I’m more slender but I hate my lil belly. Honestly everybody says that I look better NOW but I don’t feel sexy. Listening to erotica is definitely a good tip! I feel like I don’t yearn for sex like I used to. I need to make a playlist because his choice of music for the mood is not a vibe 😅 I try not to be vocal about my insecurities but he knows when something is wrong with me when I become shy. Getting back into dance and moving my body outside of the bed and my baby is my goal! I love and deeply appreciate your transparency 💛
i can relate - what helped me come around to loving the post-baby body is that my little belly is a sign that i've gone through the whole process (getting pregnant, giving birth, recovering) and came out successfully. if you think about human history, that's quite powerful. sadly so many people who've given birth never made it to the post-partum phase. the modern sexual economy (and the plastic surgery industry) lies to us about this, telling us we have to look young all the time, but it is simple biology to be attracted to a successful, fertile woman, and the little pooch we get after a baby is a sign of that success and fertility. it's one thing to be an attractive young virginal type... but to recover so well that you have people telling you you look better now as a mother? that's possibly the sexiest thing there is. :) much love
A little belly is sexy tbh. Shapely natural body. A hanging pouch like mine rofl needs to be attacked with all possible force (I hope to learn how to swim). So assess if you want to do something and consider that maybe there is no need in your case because it might not be all that bad. Don't beat yourself up for small things. Pun intended. Lol #Erin
I have been a follower for years now - I cannot stress enough how much I appreciate your content, and your honesty regarding sex/ sexual health/ mental health. Keep it up Shan! I'm your ride or die follower!
Another amazing video. The words you said about slowing down felt like a direct message to me today. Even though it's not sex related, I have a daily morning meeting at work. I'm always so nervous and feel embarrassed about it. As a result, I speak so fast and no one can understand me, which I feel like makes everyone think I'm not competent. I end up feeling like an outsider. Tomorrow, I'll make sure to slow down.
Shan, you could 1) use a good salt scrub (specifically salt not sugar). Just give your feet some extra time and attention as you rub it in on the heels and rough patches of skin. It works to exfoliate your whole body but can help very much with footcare, 2) using oil soap can help soften skin, and 3) raw shea butter can help keep the skin soft. Hopefully that can help with hand and footcare and all of these can be applied pretty much everywhere in case it’s easier if you don’t have to do something special for hand and foot care. Fortunately hand and footcare doesn’t have to be super complicated especially if you’re not one to enjoy all the extras. If you do that (you could also use Vaseline or Aquaphor) and put socks on for a few hours to let it absorb the skin on your feet will likely become softer over time.
Also, Walmart sells this heel stick that sloughs dry skin. If you venture to a pedi, don’t use the cheese grater, your skin will thicken more. I used the pumice stone, wax, and exfoliating. This helped my feet tremendously. But for home what @hallmark4 said.
Yes to all of the things! Adding music so you don’t get grossed out by squishy noises…baby monitor so you can feel reassured that the babies are ok 👌. I’ve been following you for years and I’m sorry your struggling but so happy you’ve joined us moms and our sexual struggles..it’s so difficult to be attracted to your partner but not feel sexy during the act. We love you Shan!
I love this so much!!!!!! Omg the part about the noises after having a baby… that has bothered me and I felt like I was totally alone in that.. ugh. So nice to know I’m not the only one who has experienced imposter syndrome post baby💜 stellar video per usual👏🏼
Been following you for so long Shan and it is so beautiful to see you come into motherhood and balance it. I think as women that sexual part of ourselves is not talked about enough once you become a mother and how deeply it is affected. I will say this having had 4 babies, I felt I got "my groove back" once I stopped breastfeeding and my body "belonged" to me again. I no longer had that mental block. Thanks for the open dialogue as always.
Literally I’m like WOOOOW!!! This is EXACTLY how I feel after two kids but could not explain it not even make sense of it to myself as eloquently as you have. Thank you!! ❤
You’ve shared such amazing tips for even those of us that aren’t moms but may have insecurities from time to time Thank you for always sharing so openly!
I love your transparency . It’s so refreshing in the world we live in. Ive been watching for 6 7 years i love game of desire. Our children are the same age. Im trying to get through the same situation
This was so insightful. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us so that we can feel less alone as we navigate through changes. I really value what you have to say and appreciate your authenticity and rawness always!
Your content is so specific, and I love that because I cannot find anyone else talking about this topic in the same way. Thank you Shan. I’m fighting to find myself attractive, I recently found that little spark in myself again. I am fighting to keep feeling sexy
This was beyond what I needed to hear. I have been listening to you for yours. The expansion of what I have learned from you on sex and knowing and recognizing your own body has been the most influential in my life. I can’t say thank you enough for posting this video. I really needed to hear this. I hope that from this I can continue on learning more about spectoring. I love your honesty, I love your embodiment, I vulnerability, but most of all I love your truth!!!! Thank u 🙏🏼
I’ll add to the Vaseline fix with what an aesthetician told me: first wipe heels with OXI pads (which contain 2% salicylic acid), then apply Vaseline or Vicks Vapor Rub, wear socks to bed, and in the morning, heels will be baby soft. I mean they always come back if you don’t keep it up every other night or so, but it’s also good in a pinch if you want nice heels in sandals the next day. I find I get this problem in the cooler weather when wearing socks much of the time - probably something to do with the friction of socks on skin. So great to see many other solutions here as well. Also, I can so relate to the spectatoring explanation, especially now that I’m getting older and both body and facial skin is not as taut as it once was. My ex was much much younger than me so it became a huge issue for me and I’m sure the effect on my confidence leaked through; so, I agree with you that it is something best worked on yourself and not discussed with your partner until you can find some peace with any insecurities. Thanks so much for your candidness.
Funny that I started following you because of a hair routine you uploaded years ago, thinking i was going to get more of that, and now am super engaged on these kinds of talks
This was actually really refreshing to hear from someone like you who I perceive in a certain light, because I felt like I could relate to the feelings you were sharing even though we’re so so different. I just lost my virginity last year and honestly I have barely enjoyed sex, it’s been uncomfortable most of the time, or very awkward. I feel like I can practically live without sex at this point but I’m not asexual. Anyway, while I navigate these feelings, you sharing your experience is actually very helpful, so thank you for being brave to do so!
Ahahahaha Omgggg the cut to you washing the bottle and bouncing up and down with the baby was so good! Great visualization, it IS hard to imagine being a sexy mama when you’re being a REAL mama all day
I feel you on the dry feet!!! I started using Gold Bond Softening Foot Cream (on Amazon), and a pumice stone in the shower and it has been a game changer!
Beautiful that you’re exploring more of your self in this new chapter of life. Often when we are society’s norm and there’s ease, we don’t have to go deeper but as spirits in human form, our experiences outside social constraints allow us to unearth so much more. To break walls, boundaries, invisible and visible ones. To realize our true freedom and anything that limits it wasn’t real in the first place. Bon courage in this exploration xo
I believe you should share what you are feeling with your partner because it might help with your journey. I went through the same thing but after my hysterectomy 5 years ago. I would have sex with my husband because I wanted to please him but I wasn't fully into it and he knew. He told me that we didn't need to do anything until I was ready because of the surgery he understood that my body was going through a change that was beyond my control and he was satisfied with just holding me at night. Just like you, I didn't want to put any doubt in his mind but he was truly understanding, now we have the best sex life ever.
feet hack: when you put on lotion after the shower lock the moisture in with vaseline. then put your socks on. doctors use a similar trick called wet wrapping on people who have severe cases but its easy. also your body scrub, use it on your feet every other night. this has helped me tremendously. I have and auto immune condition and poor circulation so my feet can get horrendous because of this if I don't do these things.
Once I understood that low sex drive after kids is a normal evolutionary adaptive response I was at ease. It's simply biological (estrogen is at an all time low and you derive pleasure from breastfeeding and skin contact with baby the same way you did with sex pre baby so in other words no physical need for sex) and you can't fight it and thankfully it's temporary. Basically lowering your sexual reproductive hormones is biology's way of ensuring that all the focus is on the kid's survival as well as your own through healing. Also I learned that more skin to skin contact between baby and dad lowers testosterone so try it so you can both be sexually miserable together for some time hahaha
Hey, Shan. Thanks a lot for this video. Although I'm a childless person, I enjoyed, learned, and engaged with most of the things you shared. Thanks x100. ALSO, I have horrible dry feet at times, my advice would be to use pure vaseline straight after showering, it helps the moisture from ''evaporating'' quickly. Keeping a vaseline bottle in the bathroom near the body cream or so has helped me to remind myself to use it. Another advice: use 80-100% pure cotton socks overnight after a good foot moisturization, it makes most of the dead skin fall. You will be surprised :)
I have an 11 week old and sex is the last thing on my mind. Fortunately for me, my husband and I have been in different places geographically for these 11 weeks so I haven't had to think about sex. He asks me randomly if I miss sex etc, and tells me of his expectations when I get back home and I'm just not interested. Didn't enjoy sex during my pregnancy as well, and as a result it was very infrequent. I'm anxious about 'getting back', lest I don't meet expectations or my lack of interest continues.
Hey mama! Don't feel pressure to get back until it. My son is 8 months old and I've had sex like maybe 10 times total since giving birth. Lol if you're not into it yet that's totally ok
@@berrymckockiner5883 I don't think he's interested in an open relationship. We're both monogamous. I won't intentionally deprive my husband. Just saying that I'm not interested. Maybe once I'm back home my libido will come back.
Sorry for leaving three comments consecutively. 😅 I really like the vulnerability & openness that you displayed in your recent videos! It’s relatable & beautiful. ❤
Omg Shan!! As a mom, single mom like I don’t recognize myself because I have no time for my normal self care routine, I overstand ☹️ I haven’t gotten a pedicure or even tried to lotion my feet or paint my toes like I used to think it was so consequential if I missed a step in my routine now it’s the bare minimum and I relate on the foot thing lol I thought I was the only one.
You're definitely not alone ❤️❤️❤️ the sound thing on the sheets is just awful for myself. It's really such a turn off and still I don't take the 2 minutes to at least creme them 😬😬😬
Porn has this effect on many woman...they give that mindset ..and image of what sex should look like...but it's such a lie...that's the worst example of real sex. Thanks shan x great video
Feet maintenance tip: After you take a shower, rub your feet & toes really good with your towel EVERY TIME! It’s not magic, but you would be surprised how much it helps in between pedis. P.S I wonder if severely dry feet is a postpartum thing. 🤔 I never had that issue until after I had my daughter & no matter how many pedis I got, they dried out really quickly.
I had a very sexual dream last night that was about connection, and how that has been possible in my waking life due to care and affection and respect between parties monogamous or otherwise. A bad experience with someone altered that within me but re-realizing that is still something that is possible has helped comfort that part in my brain, and hopefully within my body. I also was sitting in the bath recently and thinking about how I lost that sexual connection with myself and separating my body from the equation for the first time in my life. This video was really enlightening. Thank you and best wishes!
This video made me tear up and has breathed new life into me. I’m also on a journey is rediscovering my sexual self and I feel so seen by that quote from love is political. Thank you so much for your vulnerability 💖
For the cracked heals ! In shower lotion. I was someone who sucked at moisturizing because I’m forgetful and I hate the feeling of lotion after I shower. In shower lotion fixed my problem. It’s a step you can add to your shower routine while you’re already taking care of your skin. It’s also the best time to moisturize because your pores are open.
It's insane that your knowledge is so accessible, and you're helping so many people including myself, I just gave birth to my second child and I'm absolutely getting more in tune with my body. Thank you for being you and sharing true authentic life experiences. ✨✨✨
This video was very satisfying to watch. I think it’s because you’re analyzing your personal experiences from the perspective of a more actualized version of yourself than what we got in older videos. It felt less like homework and more like you enjoyed filming this. Receiving education from you, via the lens of your personal experiences, as well as the guests on your podcast and not just the typical academic method of delivery, is where the height of my excitement as a viewer exists. I think you’re doing a great job at fusing knowledge and relatability into your content more seamlessly.
As someone who's pregnant right now I love your journey. Been with this channel for years now. Seeing your evolution and transparency in these videos is such a beautiful experience to witness. Plus, I don't feel alone and I'm anyways learning something new. I believe you'll get your sexy back, well not back but it'll be evolved. ❤️ Much love. 🌹
I'm going to add the mentioned book to my book list. I have completely turned into a spectator. I became wheelchair bound 5 years ago and now there's a shame I feel surrounding my wanting sex/intimacy. Prior to my condition, I felt desirable. Now I cant fanthom someone wanting me in my state. I have negative ruminating thoughts and havent sought out intimacy at all in the last few years.
I enjoyed this so much. I just had my third baby and we’re still figuring out what it means for our sex life. You described so many thoughts I have about being intimate with my husband. Thank you for being so open with us Shan ❤🙏🏾
You should definitely try using a foot peel mask. You can get some from Amazon. It will have your feet looking crazy for a week or two but I've seen TikToks of people using them and they say that it feels like a baby's butt after. Also, good luck on your journey and as always thank you for sharing. Videos like these always help remind someone who is not as experienced with sex (me) feel a bit more at ease- like even those with more experience than me are always learning and experimenting. It's an obvious truth, yet one so easily forgotten. So thank you, Shan! ❤
You are spot on about the hand and feet thing! Try the Raw Sugar brand whipped body scrub and do it EVERY time you shower. Girl! The baby soft heels. And then always put an oil on after lotioning when you get out of the shower. I’m a dancer and I just became used to my feet being crusty until I noticed it effected how I felt in intimate situations. The embarrassment when they go to do foot stuff and you are unprepared….yikes 😅😬. Hope you start to feel yourself again soon as you embrace this new phase you are in. Thanks for sharing!
Definitely want you to do videos on this journey because I’m experiencing some of the same things and it’s really causing some tension between me and my boyfriend 😢
Now I'm reflecting on when I had my son 3 years ago. I dreaded having intimacy with my then spouse! It literally felt like a chore. I felt I was sleep deprived, tired, healing from a Csection, exclusively breastfeeding and the sole caretaker of my newborn. I'm pretty sure all these factors may have caused some of form postpartum depression. I'm finally in the phase of rediscovering myself again.
I really believe that maintaining sexual desire requires effort. Effort to take care of yourself and your responsibilities. Effort and time to enjoy your relationship with your partner, and effort to maintain one's focus on the present moment and the reality of ourselves, and not a twisted reality born from insecurity or someone else's perception. My ex wife used to worry about how she looked, despite me telling her how sexy she was. When she finally let go of the insecurities and focused on the actual present moment, it was amazing. Later on, I developed some insecurities of my own that I didn't even realize I had until we were divorced. Insecurities left unaddressed and unconquered really do just end up sabatoging our own lives.
Thank you so so much for this video!! I’m not a momma yet nor do I intend to be for a while since I’m only 22 but you gave some very insightful tips of how to feel yourself when you’re not really feeling yourself. I was raised super hardcore Catholic so pleasure outside of marriage was a big no no but I have just now recently taken the initiative to explore my own body (because I don’t need no man) and I’ve found it really hard to not feel guilty or shame around the idea. Totally different than the mom guilt but still relatable. Did I download audible right after this video and check out your suggestions? Of course I did and I was not disappointed.
Thanks for being open. I have felt similarly to this as a black woman dating white males that have never experienced a brown lady. I’m also 9 months pregnant with my first and don’t know what to expect sexually after birth. So, thank you again for being so open!
Thank you so much for making this video, being so open and honest 💖 As a first-time momma, 11 weeks postpartum… I feel so unsexy and weird around my sexuality now. I couldn’t really find the words to explain it or why. It has nothing to do with my partner, it’s all in my own mind. This video has really helped me to understand these feelings better… and hopefully find a path through it.
I hate my feet too and was once in love with someone who made me feel so bad about them. But anyway, an easy way to help with the dry heels is to apply vaseline every day after a bath. I've been doing it for 11 years and haven't had dry heels since
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i LOVE how shan uses herself as a case study.
frrr
She always does that
Yeess!!! And I appreciate her for that.
Same, I love the questioning that leads to self awareness
She’s a genius !
all of us who have been following you for a while say this all the time, but once more...
it's been a blessing to see you transition through so many different life stages in such an incredibly vulnerable way. thank you for sharing, I love these conversations and am excited to see the new ideas that you want to dive into xxx
💯❤
Agreed!
I'm asexual and don't plan on having children but I always value your dialogue on sexuality and just being more in tune with ourselves. Thank you for sharing!
I feel like there needs to more talk about asexuals. I would love to be able to understand how sex is viewed thru that lens.
I’m asexual too and I enjoy her content. It helps me understand how others experience the world. Glad to see I’m not the only asexual here 👋
Thanks for the kindness yall! Yeah I'm definitely a very sex-positive ace person who finds sexuality a fascinating subject within itself, and thus learn alot when hearing from others. I don't desire to engage in sexual behavior but sexuality is obviously so much more than the physical stuff, which is what draws me to these discussions. I know there are a lot of sex-repulsed ace people who'd rather not have anything to do with sex but that doesn't mean they're against anyone having it lol. I can only speak for myself but asexuality is a very diverse spectrum too!
Asexual here too! Love seeing our sexuality mentioned, even if its just in the comments section!
@@andreatummons4 agreed. I don’t think I’ve seen us in the comments before. Kinda cool
THANK YOU for being so vulnerable and honest. Sexuality can increase after pregnancy but that is not how society views the situation. As women we are shamed for keeping our sex drive, but also chastised for losing our sex life - so our husbands won't "get bored." It is an impossible double standard. So at some point I realized I'll never make everyone happy so I chose to prioritize making MYSELF happy. My husband and I took steps to help me feel comfortable in my body again and we explored our sexual roles, entering into the BDSM community. This only happened AFTER we had our child. Sex has never been better, but we are led to believe our life is over after kids and we can never be sexy/sexual again. UNTRUE!
I never thought I would see the day when you are embarrassed by a sex joke. I get it though, no one wants to feel like they are the butt of a joke. I’m glad you are so open about your feelings and you are able to reflect on them.
My therapist said the most amazing thing:
Sprit is just another word for consciousness.
So, “spiritual” sexiness is just another way of saying more conscious sexiness. And, nothing says more conscious than taking your time. Seriously, Shan, this is so beautiful and so exciting. Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us. I’ve never had kids, but I’ve definitely felt like a spectator. And while I consider myself spiritual, I haven’t taken the spiritual sexiness leap. This was very inspiring!
Put a ridiculous amount of lotion, coconut oil, shea butter or whatever like extra extra and then throw socks over it right before bed. This is what my Asian great aunts always taught me to do on hands and feet when dry and it works for me.
Thank you for your honesty and bravery for sharing different sides of your sexual experience. It makes me feel good to know that everyone goes through ups and downs in their sexual journey.
Thank you so much Shan.
as a mom sometimes that doesnt make it on the bucket list
This channel is so useful. I feel like I’ve really grown up with you! Please never stop sharing
Seriously 🥹🫶🏽
SHAN. Your video made me so emotional because as you were talking about your situation, it was as if you were talking about me. I have a 1.5 year old and motherhood has changed so much of the intimate dynamics about myself. It’s been a struggle. I feel seen and not alone. ❤
I really appreciate your bravery for talking about this and it is such a relief to see what I’m struggling with reflected in someone who I deeply admire and look up to as a sexual being. Thanks for sharing your tips on how you’re going through this season of your life as a sexual being.
I really love how open Shan is about where she is in her life and in her relationships. It makes me as a viewer feel validated, related to, and normal in some of my personal experiences that are similar to that of hers. Most recently in my life (but for some time now), I have not felt very sexual and it’s been a mental insecurity/challenge as I am in a relationship with someone who enjoys sex and feels horny often. It’s been several months now that i’ve felt this way; consistently on birth control, then temporarily off, then back on because I realized it wasn’t the birth control, it was just me. I don’t know how long this is going to last but hearing Shan, a sexual Educator/ empowerer/successful/conventionally attractive/partnered person feel the same way as me makes me feel suuuper heard and seen.
Sole thank you for sharing your journey! I hope the person who needs it reads it oxo
They key is getting a regular babysitter and taking time to reconnect. Fatigue is a serious play on self image. Also, allow yourself time to love the womanly you.
Before having my baby I experienced from spectatoring. While I have yet to be intimate with my partner post baby I completely have no desire and I'm almost repulsed. I appreciate Shan giving these tips and advice. One thing I've always appreciated about Shan is that she's willing to put herself out there.
I'm in love with the way you talk/the way you articulate things. ❤️
Thank you! I’m not a mom, but I am your age and often find myself falling into a low confidence/frumpy mindset that’s hard to get out of. This was relatable.
You’re so aware. It’s wild how intricate your mind works. I love it.
Thanks for mentioning this feeling when you experience imposter syndrome in the bedroom. Inspite of not having babies I am there too. Feel unsexy and clumsy, so preoccupied that I'm wrong person, that I can't engage and, embarrassingly, even dare to kiss or hug a person. Thankfully you kindly shared a book name and gave worthy pieces of advice.
Thank you for talking about this. I’ve had 2 kids the oldest is almost 5 and still struggle with getting into the sec mindset … for me, all of a sudden nothing in my body was sexual, it was to grow and feed, etc. the babies so my thoughts went to and sometimes still go to “sex is only for making babies”
Even though I don’t relate to your exact situation because I’m not a mother, I can definitely relate to the concept of spectatoring. As a plus size woman who didn’t start dating until her mid twenties, I have NEVER seen myself as sexy and even now, I rarely do. This information was SO helpful and gave me ideas to try. Thank you Shan!
You're amazing just the way you are 🥰
I’m so grateful for this Shan! You’re going to bless so many women on your new journey ❤
I had my 3rd and final baby almost 3 years ago and my libido has been almost non existent. I'm pretty sure a lot of it stems from the way my body looks from pregnancy and also getting older(just hit 35 this year). I definitely needed this episode because I was seriously thinking about looking into sex drive medication or supplements...
I turned 35 in August. Girl we're still young
@@faiza515 I know but I'm on birth control because I do not want anymore children. It's messing with my hormones. Being young ain't got nothing to do with it for me.
Lost my libido almost completely 5 years after my last child. I feel like I can’t blame childbirth. I’ve tried so many things and nothing helps. Doc says my hormones are within normal limits. Ugh I’m sad
@@soulseek1563 I'm sorry sis...sounds all to familiar. I've thought about supplements... currently doing research
❤ Shan is always a vibe & makes me think deeper about myself and, sexuality. Thank you 🙏🏾🧿
You will get through this! As a mother of two I too experienced this and my only advise is to accept the now you and whoever else you become in this path of motherhood. You got this!
After becoming a mom, my view on my sexual self has changed! I enjoyed being pregnant because I was wettt all the time. Now, it’s just eh. Luckily he’s begun to up his technique, but I now feel less attractive. I am at my pre baby weight and I’m more slender but I hate my lil belly. Honestly everybody says that I look better NOW but I don’t feel sexy. Listening to erotica is definitely a good tip! I feel like I don’t yearn for sex like I used to. I need to make a playlist because his choice of music for the mood is not a vibe 😅 I try not to be vocal about my insecurities but he knows when something is wrong with me when I become shy. Getting back into dance and moving my body outside of the bed and my baby is my goal! I love and deeply appreciate your transparency 💛
i can relate - what helped me come around to loving the post-baby body is that my little belly is a sign that i've gone through the whole process (getting pregnant, giving birth, recovering) and came out successfully. if you think about human history, that's quite powerful. sadly so many people who've given birth never made it to the post-partum phase. the modern sexual economy (and the plastic surgery industry) lies to us about this, telling us we have to look young all the time, but it is simple biology to be attracted to a successful, fertile woman, and the little pooch we get after a baby is a sign of that success and fertility. it's one thing to be an attractive young virginal type... but to recover so well that you have people telling you you look better now as a mother? that's possibly the sexiest thing there is. :) much love
Stop making excuses
@@erinniccoinn1gh No accountability. get in the gym🙄🤦♂️
@@openranks4519 if you watch the kids, no problem. But men are lazy and do not want to watch the kids.
A little belly is sexy tbh. Shapely natural body. A hanging pouch like mine rofl needs to be attacked with all possible force (I hope to learn how to swim). So assess if you want to do something and consider that maybe there is no need in your case because it might not be all that bad. Don't beat yourself up for small things. Pun intended. Lol #Erin
I have been a follower for years now - I cannot stress enough how much I appreciate your content, and your honesty regarding sex/ sexual health/ mental health. Keep it up Shan! I'm your ride or die follower!
Another amazing video.
The words you said about slowing down felt like a direct message to me today. Even though it's not sex related, I have a daily morning meeting at work. I'm always so nervous and feel embarrassed about it. As a result, I speak so fast and no one can understand me, which I feel like makes everyone think I'm not competent. I end up feeling like an outsider.
Tomorrow, I'll make sure to slow down.
Shan, you could 1) use a good salt scrub (specifically salt not sugar). Just give your feet some extra time and attention as you rub it in on the heels and rough patches of skin. It works to exfoliate your whole body but can help very much with footcare, 2) using oil soap can help soften skin, and 3) raw shea butter can help keep the skin soft. Hopefully that can help with hand and footcare and all of these can be applied pretty much everywhere in case it’s easier if you don’t have to do something special for hand and foot care. Fortunately hand and footcare doesn’t have to be super complicated especially if you’re not one to enjoy all the extras. If you do that (you could also use Vaseline or Aquaphor) and put socks on for a few hours to let it absorb the skin on your feet will likely become softer over time.
Also, Walmart sells this heel stick that sloughs dry skin. If you venture to a pedi, don’t use the cheese grater, your skin will thicken more. I used the pumice stone, wax, and exfoliating. This helped my feet tremendously. But for home what @hallmark4 said.
Yes to all of the things! Adding music so you don’t get grossed out by squishy noises…baby monitor so you can feel reassured that the babies are ok 👌. I’ve been following you for years and I’m sorry your struggling but so happy you’ve joined us moms and our sexual struggles..it’s so difficult to be attracted to your partner but not feel sexy during the act. We love you Shan!
I love this so much!!!!!! Omg the part about the noises after having a baby… that has bothered me and I felt like I was totally alone in that.. ugh. So nice to know I’m not the only one who has experienced imposter syndrome post baby💜 stellar video per usual👏🏼
Been following you for so long Shan and it is so beautiful to see you come into motherhood and balance it. I think as women that sexual part of ourselves is not talked about enough once you become a mother and how deeply it is affected. I will say this having had 4 babies, I felt I got "my groove back" once I stopped breastfeeding and my body "belonged" to me again. I no longer had that mental block. Thanks for the open dialogue as always.
Put A LOT of aquaphor on your feet and then put socks on for several or hours or if you can, sleep in them overnight. This works like a gem for me!
Literally I’m like WOOOOW!!! This is EXACTLY how I feel after two kids but could not explain it not even make sense of it to myself as eloquently as you have. Thank you!! ❤
You’ve shared such amazing tips for even those of us that aren’t moms but may have insecurities from time to time Thank you for always sharing so openly!
shan you’re literally the coolest 😭!!
Great video. I'm 9 months pregnant and connected with sooo much of what you shared. Thank you!
I love your transparency . It’s so refreshing in the world we live in. Ive been watching for 6 7 years i love game of desire. Our children are the same age. Im trying to get through the same situation
This was so insightful. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us so that we can feel less alone as we navigate through changes. I really value what you have to say and appreciate your authenticity and rawness always!
You are on your journey and going to find your way to where you feel comfortable and fully okay. Thank you for sharing! Cheering you on.
Always appreciate the vulnerability and education Shan. Thank you.
Thank you Shannon for always sharing your experience and knowledge with us! ❤
Your authenticity and ability to always stay true to yourself is inspiring. Thank you 💜
This makes so much sense, know I see why I stopped feeling like I'm sexually attractive, but now I'm going to work on it, thanks for this treasure 💯
Looking forward to your next vid, as an SA survivor your video's has help me understand myself more and for that i thank you.
Every word you said!! Thanks!! I needed this!
Your content is so specific, and I love that because I cannot find anyone else talking about this topic in the same way. Thank you Shan. I’m fighting to find myself attractive, I recently found that little spark in myself again. I am fighting to keep feeling sexy
This was beyond what I needed to hear. I have been listening to you for yours. The expansion of what I have learned from you on sex and knowing and recognizing your own body has been the most influential in my life. I can’t say thank you enough for posting this video. I really needed to hear this. I hope that from this I can continue on learning more about spectoring. I love your honesty, I love your embodiment, I vulnerability, but most of all I love your truth!!!! Thank u 🙏🏼
I’ll add to the Vaseline fix with what an aesthetician told me: first wipe heels with OXI pads (which contain 2% salicylic acid), then apply Vaseline or Vicks Vapor Rub, wear socks to bed, and in the morning, heels will be baby soft. I mean they always come back if you don’t keep it up every other night or so, but it’s also good in a pinch if you want nice heels in sandals the next day. I find I get this problem in the cooler weather when wearing socks much of the time - probably something to do with the friction of socks on skin. So great to see many other solutions here as well.
Also, I can so relate to the spectatoring explanation, especially now that I’m getting older and both body and facial skin is not as taut as it once was. My ex was much much younger than me so it became a huge issue for me and I’m sure the effect on my confidence leaked through; so, I agree with you that it is something best worked on yourself and not discussed with your partner until you can find some peace with any insecurities. Thanks so much for your candidness.
Shan I love how honest you are about stuff like this
Funny that I started following you because of a hair routine you uploaded years ago, thinking i was going to get more of that, and now am super engaged on these kinds of talks
i am just obsessed with your ability to communicate so effectively
This was actually really refreshing to hear from someone like you who I perceive in a certain light, because I felt like I could relate to the feelings you were sharing even though we’re so so different. I just lost my virginity last year and honestly I have barely enjoyed sex, it’s been uncomfortable most of the time, or very awkward. I feel like I can practically live without sex at this point but I’m not asexual. Anyway, while I navigate these feelings, you sharing your experience is actually very helpful, so thank you for being brave to do so!
I'm coming from a good place here..have you considered it my be the partner/partners you're having sex with?
This is exactly how I feel too!!
Really appreciate the transparency in this video…these conversations we need to have more off…motherhood really changes things down there
I know you don't have time to edit all your videos but I love your editing style, genuinely very funny and personable
Thanks for being so transparent...I appreciated this video a lot!
Ahahahaha Omgggg the cut to you washing the bottle and bouncing up and down with the baby was so good! Great visualization, it IS hard to imagine being a sexy mama when you’re being a REAL mama all day
I feel you on the dry feet!!! I started using Gold Bond Softening Foot Cream (on Amazon), and a pumice stone in the shower and it has been a game changer!
Beautiful that you’re exploring more of your self in this new chapter of life. Often when we are society’s norm and there’s ease, we don’t have to go deeper but as spirits in human form, our experiences outside social constraints allow us to unearth so much more. To break walls, boundaries, invisible and visible ones. To realize our true freedom and anything that limits it wasn’t real in the first place. Bon courage in this exploration xo
I believe you should share what you are feeling with your partner because it might help with your journey. I went through the same thing but after my hysterectomy 5 years ago. I would have sex with my husband because I wanted to please him but I wasn't fully into it and he knew. He told me that we didn't need to do anything until I was ready because of the surgery he understood that my body was going through a change that was beyond my control and he was satisfied with just holding me at night. Just like you, I didn't want to put any doubt in his mind but he was truly understanding, now we have the best sex life ever.
feet hack: when you put on lotion after the shower lock the moisture in with vaseline. then put your socks on. doctors use a similar trick called wet wrapping on people who have severe cases but its easy. also your body scrub, use it on your feet every other night. this has helped me tremendously. I have and auto immune condition and poor circulation so my feet can get horrendous because of this if I don't do these things.
Once I understood that low sex drive after kids is a normal evolutionary adaptive response I was at ease. It's simply biological (estrogen is at an all time low and you derive pleasure from breastfeeding and skin contact with baby the same way you did with sex pre baby so in other words no physical need for sex) and you can't fight it and thankfully it's temporary.
Basically lowering your sexual reproductive hormones is biology's way of ensuring that all the focus is on the kid's survival as well as your own through healing. Also I learned that more skin to skin contact between baby and dad lowers testosterone so try it so you can both be sexually miserable together for some time hahaha
I usually don't comment but I wanted to thank you for sharing. Your "fix your ick" and POV analysis helped me so much!
Hey, Shan. Thanks a lot for this video. Although I'm a childless person, I enjoyed, learned, and engaged with most of the things you shared. Thanks x100. ALSO, I have horrible dry feet at times, my advice would be to use pure vaseline straight after showering, it helps the moisture from ''evaporating'' quickly. Keeping a vaseline bottle in the bathroom near the body cream or so has helped me to remind myself to use it. Another advice: use 80-100% pure cotton socks overnight after a good foot moisturization, it makes most of the dead skin fall. You will be surprised :)
SHAN!!!! this is so transparent of you, thanks for sharing! can't wait to hear what you've learned in the process
Why did I relate so much to the dry heels😅
I have an 11 week old and sex is the last thing on my mind. Fortunately for me, my husband and I have been in different places geographically for these 11 weeks so I haven't had to think about sex. He asks me randomly if I miss sex etc, and tells me of his expectations when I get back home and I'm just not interested. Didn't enjoy sex during my pregnancy as well, and as a result it was very infrequent. I'm anxious about 'getting back', lest I don't meet expectations or my lack of interest continues.
Hey mama! Don't feel pressure to get back until it. My son is 8 months old and I've had sex like maybe 10 times total since giving birth. Lol if you're not into it yet that's totally ok
you should open your relationship up, give your husband what he needs if you wont give it to him
@@rebeccazeman9309 youre selfish, open up your relationship up, give your husband what he needs if you wont give it to him
@@berrymckockiner5883 I don't think he's interested in an open relationship. We're both monogamous. I won't intentionally deprive my husband. Just saying that I'm not interested. Maybe once I'm back home my libido will come back.
@@thabisilentleko3741 fair enough but a man can only go without it for so long before he leaves or chts
Sorry for leaving three comments consecutively. 😅 I really like the vulnerability & openness that you displayed in your recent videos! It’s relatable & beautiful. ❤
Omg Shan!! As a mom, single mom like I don’t recognize myself because I have no time for my normal self care routine, I overstand ☹️ I haven’t gotten a pedicure or even tried to lotion my feet or paint my toes like I used to think it was so consequential if I missed a step in my routine now it’s the bare minimum and I relate on the foot thing lol I thought I was the only one.
You're definitely not alone ❤️❤️❤️ the sound thing on the sheets is just awful for myself. It's really such a turn off and still I don't take the 2 minutes to at least creme them 😬😬😬
Porn has this effect on many woman...they give that mindset ..and image of what sex should look like...but it's such a lie...that's the worst example of real sex. Thanks shan x great video
Thank you so much for mentioning the postpartum sex sounds, juiciness, queefs, etc… I have noticed this too. It throws me off SO BAD!
Feet maintenance tip:
After you take a shower, rub your feet & toes really good with your towel EVERY TIME! It’s not magic, but you would be surprised how much it helps in between pedis.
P.S
I wonder if severely dry feet is a postpartum thing. 🤔 I never had that issue until after I had my daughter & no matter how many pedis I got, they dried out really quickly.
Same!!! After having bbgirl at one point it felt like I had hooves 🤣🤣 before pregnancy I just needed a lil lotion and scrub every now and then 😫
I had a very sexual dream last night that was about connection, and how that has been possible in my waking life due to care and affection and respect between parties monogamous or otherwise. A bad experience with someone altered that within me but re-realizing that is still something that is possible has helped comfort that part in my brain, and hopefully within my body. I also was sitting in the bath recently and thinking about how I lost that sexual connection with myself and separating my body from the equation for the first time in my life. This video was really enlightening. Thank you and best wishes!
Dr Teals Himalayan Salt Scrub paired with a foot scrubber is a FAV for my feetsies!!!
Thank you for this share of yours Shan!
This video made me tear up and has breathed new life into me. I’m also on a journey is rediscovering my sexual self and I feel so seen by that quote from love is political. Thank you so much for your vulnerability 💖
I'm not a mom.. but I so relate with what your saying. Feeling impostor or not confident and a little humiliated.
I hope that helps a bit. I love you shan and I'm excited for where this next chapter will lead you!! 😊🤗 **hugs**
For the cracked heals ! In shower lotion. I was someone who sucked at moisturizing because I’m forgetful and I hate the feeling of lotion after I shower. In shower lotion fixed my problem. It’s a step you can add to your shower routine while you’re already taking care of your skin. It’s also the best time to moisturize because your pores are open.
It's insane that your knowledge is so accessible, and you're helping so many people including myself, I just gave birth to my second child and I'm absolutely getting more in tune with my body. Thank you for being you and sharing true authentic life experiences. ✨✨✨
This video was very satisfying to watch. I think it’s because you’re analyzing your personal experiences from the perspective of a more actualized version of yourself than what we got in older videos. It felt less like homework and more like you enjoyed filming this. Receiving education from you, via the lens of your personal experiences, as well as the guests on your podcast and not just the typical academic method of delivery, is where the height of my excitement as a viewer exists. I think you’re doing a great job at fusing knowledge and relatability into your content more seamlessly.
As someone who's pregnant right now I love your journey. Been with this channel for years now. Seeing your evolution and transparency in these videos is such a beautiful experience to witness. Plus, I don't feel alone and I'm anyways learning something new.
I believe you'll get your sexy back, well not back but it'll be evolved. ❤️ Much love. 🌹
I'm going to add the mentioned book to my book list. I have completely turned into a spectator. I became wheelchair bound 5 years ago and now there's a shame I feel surrounding my wanting sex/intimacy. Prior to my condition, I felt desirable. Now I cant fanthom someone wanting me in my state. I have negative ruminating thoughts and havent sought out intimacy at all in the last few years.
You are SO good at talking
I enjoyed this so much. I just had my third baby and we’re still figuring out what it means for our sex life. You described so many thoughts I have about being intimate with my husband. Thank you for being so open with us Shan ❤🙏🏾
omg where do get your jewelry from? so beautiful ✨ love the vid too, as always
You should definitely try using a foot peel mask. You can get some from Amazon. It will have your feet looking crazy for a week or two but I've seen TikToks of people using them and they say that it feels like a baby's butt after. Also, good luck on your journey and as always thank you for sharing. Videos like these always help remind someone who is not as experienced with sex (me) feel a bit more at ease- like even those with more experience than me are always learning and experimenting. It's an obvious truth, yet one so easily forgotten. So thank you, Shan! ❤
you are brilliant and so thoughtful!
You are spot on about the hand and feet thing! Try the Raw Sugar brand whipped body scrub and do it EVERY time you shower. Girl! The baby soft heels. And then always put an oil on after lotioning when you get out of the shower. I’m a dancer and I just became used to my feet being crusty until I noticed it effected how I felt in intimate situations. The embarrassment when they go to do foot stuff and you are unprepared….yikes 😅😬. Hope you start to feel yourself again soon as you embrace this new phase you are in. Thanks for sharing!
shan thanks for sharing this, i appreciate your honesty and these are great tips honestly
The sound is working for me
Definitely want you to do videos on this journey because I’m experiencing some of the same things and it’s really causing some tension between me and my boyfriend 😢
Now I'm reflecting on when I had my son 3 years ago. I dreaded having intimacy with my then spouse! It literally felt like a chore. I felt I was sleep deprived, tired, healing from a Csection, exclusively breastfeeding and the sole caretaker of my newborn. I'm pretty sure all these factors may have caused some of form postpartum depression.
I'm finally in the phase of rediscovering myself again.
I really believe that maintaining sexual desire requires effort. Effort to take care of yourself and your responsibilities. Effort and time to enjoy your relationship with your partner, and effort to maintain one's focus on the present moment and the reality of ourselves, and not a twisted reality born from insecurity or someone else's perception.
My ex wife used to worry about how she looked, despite me telling her how sexy she was. When she finally let go of the insecurities and focused on the actual present moment, it was amazing. Later on, I developed some insecurities of my own that I didn't even realize I had until we were divorced. Insecurities left unaddressed and unconquered really do just end up sabatoging our own lives.
Thank you so so much for this video!! I’m not a momma yet nor do I intend to be for a while since I’m only 22 but you gave some very insightful tips of how to feel yourself when you’re not really feeling yourself. I was raised super hardcore Catholic so pleasure outside of marriage was a big no no but I have just now recently taken the initiative to explore my own body (because I don’t need no man) and I’ve found it really hard to not feel guilty or shame around the idea. Totally different than the mom guilt but still relatable. Did I download audible right after this video and check out your suggestions? Of course I did and I was not disappointed.
A pumice stone and foot brush for the shower. It helps to use daily when cleaning your feet and stay on top of dry or rough skin x
I love this woman's transparency and wisdom on her craft lolll its inspiring
Thanks for being open. I have felt similarly to this as a black woman dating white males that have never experienced a brown lady.
I’m also 9 months pregnant with my first and don’t know what to expect sexually after birth. So, thank you again for being so open!
Thank you for this. So relatable please do more of thisssss
Thank you so much for making this video, being so open and honest 💖 As a first-time momma, 11 weeks postpartum… I feel so unsexy and weird around my sexuality now. I couldn’t really find the words to explain it or why. It has nothing to do with my partner, it’s all in my own mind. This video has really helped me to understand these feelings better… and hopefully find a path through it.
Love this Shan!
7 months postpartum and literally was feeling this way so glad I stumbled upon this video
I hate my feet too and was once in love with someone who made me feel so bad about them. But anyway, an easy way to help with the dry heels is to apply vaseline every day after a bath. I've been doing it for 11 years and haven't had dry heels since