I can't remember the last time I felt envy, it's been decades, but that's because I'm very happy and grateful for the life I have. I celebrate my friends' successes, unreservedly.
Not sure that is 💯 true. Jealousy and envy are natural human feelings as stated in this video. The difference is the healthy way of acknowledging and dealing with it so that it’s doesn’t feature rather it’s eliminated!
A wise man once said, “Be careful who you let on your ship. Some people will sink the whole ship just because they can’t be the captain.” Some of the most poisonous people come disguised as friends.
Amen. Inviting them over (as this video suggests) so that you can exchange tales of envy is ridiculous. My frenemy wants the worst for me. She grieves over my triumphs and rejoices in my failings. It's not normal to want to tear others down - it's evil.
@@shellbell8062 I agree 100%. I am an encourager so people who love to tear people down are not just baffling but I also think that they are evil....and tend to be trash.
I recently ended a friendship with someone who I’ve known for a long time. He checked all the boxes described in this video. I eventually got tired of always listening to him and helping him out when he needed it but not getting any of that from him. It always felt like he was treating me like I was the selfish and entitled when in fact he was the one being selfish and entitled. It doesn’t feel good to lose a friend but I feel better off without him.
You will end up really disappointed if you go through life thinking people will do for you as you do for them. Not everyone has the same heart as you. Learn to deal with people for who they are, not who you want them to be. Life gets a lot easier when you stop expecting apple juice from oranges. How they treat you is how they feel about you so be picky with who you invest your time in, wasted time is worse than wasted money. You always know how much money you have in life, but you never know how much time you have. Never give someone the opportunity to waste your time twice.
I just got rid of a guy I'd known some three years ago and didn't like him then. He suddenly wanted to be my besty. Turned out he was planning on quitting his job, "Because the boss always wants me to do all this work." That's a quote. The shoe dropped and he wanted a place to stay. I hate users.
In Jamaica we have a term to describe this; it's called badmind. So sad that some ppl don't understand that everyone has their own paths in life. Today for you, tomorrow for me. These sort of ppl who envy others will sometimes sabotage your happiness so they can bask in your loss. Badmind ppl
There’s a difference between friends who are occasionally envious and people who truly don’t like you and are envious though. Some people don’t want the reassurance either, they just truly don’t like you and because of what you have it makes it worse.
I agree. Some people are truly malevolent and evil. This video doesn't seem to take that truth into account. Always question all lessons presented to you. Thanks for sharing.
Not all envious friends/family are here to stay. I've been disregarded by some, and others I've had to avoid. Their fake smiles and passive-aggressiveness just don't sit well with me. I'm better off with those who still treat me the same than pleasing those who can't count their blessings.
I can remember the last time I was envious and it made me sick once I realized it. Once I learned to be grateful it was easier to see loved ones success as my success.
Envious family members and people from the same culture really made me depressed growing up. I am 35 years old and still just about recovering from the toxic bad memories.
It is the most painful feeling when practically ever girlfriend envies you. I am devastated from it. Most of my friends have betrayed me out of jealousy.
I have a beautiful singing voice and as adults, my older sister told me she wanted to rip it out of my throat. We don’t speak anymore and the estrangement was all her doing. I’ve tried to reach out, but I guess she doesn’t want me in her life.
@@margo3367 I have a toxic brother who gets activated when I get acknowledged, especially by our parents. Otherwise he acts pretty normal. Except- I tried to set him up as my social security beneficiary, but he said he does not pass out his social security number. Yet we know, all banks and government transactions require we give our social. So I called him on his bs. And now he has vanished with his angered shame. We now know he is emotionally damaged in some way. Feels like victory over all the covert crap of childhood.
Comparing and making your situation worse...is victim mentality Olympics. Not only does it invalidate someone else, but it is arrogant/ignorant. I have had both an envious friend and sibling and they are BOTH painful. Different dynamics and layers. To claim your suffering is greater (or bigger) is pretty egocentric...it makes your experience THE experience, and doesn't allow for the multitudes of potential experiences, siblings OR friends. Please be careful of cognitive distortions, biases, narratives, which all warp our interpretations of reality. A negativity bias and lack of empathy could be making you have a god-complex... There's no way I'd give my social security number to my sibling. They are toxic and seem to have anosognosia about it. Introspection and metacognition are key.
I am not a jealous person but I've lived with very miserable envious people. I can appreciate good traits and achievements even in enemies and turn them into inspiration for me
Me too. There are many envious and unsupportive people around me and I'm not like that at all. I mind my own business. I hope someday I can find supportive and emotionally mature people around me.
I've seen an envious person in art group I've joined. He was a president of the group, makes a lot of money than me, got more connections than me, more athletic than me, and one thing he envied; my art. bec he knows I draw and paint better (in advanced way) than him and seems like he's preventing me from succeeding. I guess my gut feeling was right.
You need to ignore what your friends are doing and achieving. Your life is about breaking your own limits and outgrowing yourself to live your best life. You are not in competition with anyone else; plan to outdo your past, not other people. Don’t compare your life to others. There’s no comparison between the sun and the moon. They shine when it’s their time.
I do think we all get jealous of our friends from time to time, especially when it looks like they are moving forward and we aren't, but we should not let it get to envy, we all have our times and seasons of growth and progress.
My siblings are like this. So I stop talking about what I do. Pointed it out to them why they never asked how I was doing and it was only me asking. No point to share my happiness if they are not happy about it.
I've been watching different videos from TSOL and seems like most, if not all, problematic issues end up having the same solution: greater love, care and reassurance between humans.
Here where I live we have a big problem with envy: people don't understand their own feelings and start hating those they are envy of, it ruined so many friendships, relationships and family bonds - even parents can get envy and act against their child's best interest, this is so scary. I personally don't remember when I was envy last time, maybe in a early childhood, as I have a mentality that everyone deserve what they have, even when others don't think they do.
Thank you Alain. You have taken the fear out of a situation that has been bothering me. I have an envious friend and I was thinking I need to cut her off. I told her I love her. You have reassured me this is the right way to go. I am incredibly grateful 🙏
I rarely envy people, but somehow I find some people envy me for looking too happy :'( When I find them envy me, it is just too late, they tend to hurt me. So it's super hard to handle that with kindness, honesty and intelligence
I disagree with this video. Keep jealous and envious people around to your own detriment because your success and happiness is a narcissistic injury to their egos . Reassurances using love and kindness wont help as these types will only be reassured if you suffer loss, thereby elevating themselves. Never underestimate the sabotage a jealous and envious person can do to your life if you give them access.
I never realized how healthy telling people I am happy for them and also so jealous congratulations was. I just never treated it as a negative. Instead treating it more as a powerful compliment. That always seemed to be fine with everyone, mostly because I didnt go to hit them over the head with a toy firetruck right afterwards. The darker side of this, is that I dont expect that kind of behaviour from other people. As I got things other people wanted, especially when they told me my ideas for doing so were stupid and I proved them wrong, people increasingly wanted to see me fail. I remember a transition in my life where I thought I should probably stop talking about all the things I am grateful for, and I either talked about what was giving me a hard time, or nothing. It became a habit. Adjusting for others weaknesses messes you up a little bit.
Thank you for sharing this. If I may say, I think bottling up within ourselves about things we ought to have expressed by then, right at that moment, will also surely incur more ramifications. So I hope you put forth genuinely whatever's going on by getting out of this 'goodwill' snare
I can cry telling stories of what traumas people put me through due to envy. It was like me against all. It made my nervous system go through so many negative emotions and resistance but though it was tough, it built a character out of me. It made me powerful because then I started to understand human psychology and why humans act the way act. It taught me emotional and social intelligence. Anyone out there going through it, just be there for yourself. Allah has a way of rewarding things and it is by testing you. You are not alone, you have you. No matter what circumstances you've had in your life, it never changed the one you are. So just be that. The world needs it.
What if you can't keep distance with them and are at a situation where you have to deal with them every day? for example you're in the same class as them and your friends aren't in the same class as yours?
My secret ingredient for dealing with envious friends (and this has taken place recently) is to tell them that what they're doing is not beneficial to your well-being but in a polite and respectful way. If that doesn't work, let them know why you feel the way they do, and if they can't accept that; just keep a distance and limit the time you spend with them. That doesn't mean you have to ignore them completely but if proper boundaries are set; this will lead to less tension and core values will be more powerful than ever before at neutralizing any envy or jealousy any friends would have.
@@margo3367 at least come up with something original. This is an old, tired, repeated phrase. Not everything is about "being fun at parties" Life isn't a party and sometimes hard conversations need to be had.
I really don’t think they are looking for an “ assurance “ from us when they are being jealous. It’s a natural emotion and we can give them some time to get over it, if not then I just cut them off !
I’ve realized that there are some people who you can’t be friends with because of this. Envy is normal, but if it grows so much that they can’t communicate with you in an authentic manner without competing or one upping you, then it’s not worth it. We even had a talk about some of the behaviours and she apologized, but nothing changed in the years following because I don’t think she wanted to admit to herself that she was experiencing envy. I think for some people, envy will be there in most of their relationships because of deep rooted insecurities that form early on. It makes me sad, because I tried to heal this particular friendship, and I know I wasn’t always a perfect friend, but we’re grown adults, and I can’t heal and manage someone else’s emotional triggers.
Easy if you have a "friend" who isn't happy for you and good things that happen to you. ..they arnt a friend. and if you are dealing with hard-core envy whether passive or direct ( rarely ever us direct) ....RUN! Don't fight ..don't try and get a last word. or help them. Run.
No they don't want verbal reassurance, they want to feel superior. Either by you putting yourself down, or by them taking matters into their own hands through passive agressive attacks. I have 0 tolerance for such people. I did confront them about it a few times before deciding to cut ties.
There are a select type of people who no amount of reassurance will ever make them feel worthy of themselves. These are psychopaths, narcissists, etc. While they do exist, it's important to remember that they are not the norm - most people, and I mean people who have healthy "bonding mechanisms", is who this video works for. If you have reasons to believe that your friends do not have this quality (and instead fall to the select groups I mentioned), then you probably shouldn't be friends with them at all. At the very least, you should keep a safe distance - always open to when they're ready to express their vulnerability, but never so much that they have enough power to screw you over. It's a situational matter, but I find that the points of this video a good framework to dealing with most scenarios regarding friendship - friendships you would want to have in the first place.
@@thesonof50men67 I'm not disagreeing with anything you said, I just want to note that a lot of the time, you don't discover the narcissism or psychopathy in a person until/ unless this situation arises. I believe that most people, who have healthy bonding mechanisms are much less likely to be envious to such a degree that it puts strain on a friendship. Not sure if it is the line of work that I'm in or if they just aren't really that uncommon, but I've encountered and even worked directly with a fair number of psychopaths, narcissists and at least one sociopath.
@@thesonof50men67 honestly, that specific person I am refering to is nowhere near a narcissist, or paychopath. In fact he is nice and helpful, but has a self worth issue that manifest as jealousy.
A really great video! I enjoyed it a lot. One addition I'd like to add: How about, before we immediately assume that only envy is the reason another friend is behaving weirdly. Let's stay open to the possibility that they might also experience something else. For exmple, are they perhaps sad about something that happened to them, and they were not yet quite able or willing to tell us? And they don't want to bring down the mood? There can be many reasons that don't have anything to do with us. Let's stay open, kind and curious about that :)
Completely untrue. We all deal with pangs of longing for what another has. We are always comparing, especially to those who are closest to us. That is only the basis of a bad friendship when you begin to sabotage, wish I'll, or resent your friend. These things can be worked through and dealt with if both parties wish to. Otherwise it will fester.
I feel like this needs to be taught to children so that we don't need to deal with people's immaturity and pettiness as adults which is just exhausting. I understand being caring and tender towards humanity is important, but there is a limit to revolving our entire lives around the most emotionally immature people. To quote Marianne Williamson: "There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you." That doesn't mean anyone should gloat or be obnoxious. But there's nothing wrong with just existing in the neutral facts of life.
When I saw my friend doing something cool for themselves, I was happy and complimented them. Though, secretly, I hid my jealousy by being quiet and trying to behave to be strong. But they also sometimes mock me for not trying to be jealous when I didn't say or do anything to hurt them. I'll continue to support them, but sometimes it hurts to be mocked when I'm trying not to be jealous. I'm working on myself.
Thank you. That was very freeing. I thought I was less than when I felt envy for a friend, now I can be open about my feelings. I don't want to be them, just to remain there friend. 😊♥️
It reminds me of a time where I confronted a friend who came clean to me about her being envious of me, with: "You might not have something that I do, but I also do not have something that you do. Be it time, financial security, job, whatnot- that we, each, value." And I could see a dead silent look in her face after that.
Can you make a video if I am the envious friend? Saying stuff like I’m on my own path is hard to truly believe in.. and feels wishy washy. I am finding it hard to be happy for my friends success- and feels fake if I have to feign it even if that is the right thing to do.
Great question! Firstly I commend you for being honest about this struggle because all humans being have had this feeling at some point or another. I have video which I HIGHLY recommend l: th-cam.com/video/wph1EJeBuhE/w-d-xo.html
The video basically explains and looks into why we compare , it usually highlights an area of lack in our lives. For example a friend is making more money than you is pointing you to the fact that you would like to feel more fulfilled in that area. So it’s not a bad thing because the reason for it is valid we all want to feel more fulfilled in different areas of our lives especially areas which are important to us. So the key is to ask you’re what about then is making me envious could it be that they have relationships and I don’t we’ll bingo. I feel unfulfilled in my relationships ! That’s an areas I want to work on in my life and it’s important. It could be that deep down you feel not good enough for relationships then I should target those core beliefs and work on ways to feel more fulfilled in relationships I.e maybe try dating APPS or meeting new people etc. Then the video talks about how comparison doesn’t make sense because we all have different personalities so what’s important to one may not be to another. I.e one person may have a personality need for creativity and they see that through idk content creating but another may have a huge need for connection and relationships so we will grow in and desire and work towards what’s important to us depending on our personalities.
You don't have to be overly happy for your friends success. Focus on yourself it doesn't make you jealous. I do my own things and I know someone is jealous when they get angry or questione to much, or question others to much when someone tells me something I simply congratulate them acknowledge it and move on. If someone expects you to overly celebrate their success they're a problem too.
Open discussion implies that you are dealing with wholistically mature and balanced beings, otherwise you're just pouring gasoline to the fire of being double faced.
Introspection, intergrating your shadow, facing the dragon, becoming aware of your subconscience, etc. and learning your own value and to love yourself. You're externalising your innerchild who rejects himself on some levels by putting others or qualities and possesions of others on a pedestal (at least, that's what i think....assumption based on experience). Alan Watts, Carl Jung, Jordan Peterson, Einzel Gänger, After Skool, Awaken Insights, Academy of Ideas are a few people and channels that might help you find a way to lose the chains you drag around...
I had this same problem and it came from the feeling that we don;'t measure up or aren't good enough in life which is a lie we started to believe about ourselves as kid. Everyone has their own gift on this Earth once we acknowledge that we are enough as we are and we appreciate ourselves, then this self love turns outwards to others as appreciation. Also, because we love ourselves, we set our own goals and work on them regardless of what others are doing so we have no need to measure ourselves to others since we are traveling along our own path. Check out the enneagram system to help yourself understand your core fears and desires and find out how to heal them . Take care fellow human.
My hairdresser, whom I have known for 25 years, has become rude and envious of me. I was told that she gave me a nasty side-eyed look a couple of weeks ago. The other day I went in to make an appointment and she said, "what's your name again?" I'm done with her. She's not a friend, but... her recent actions make me feel sick. I'm told that she is envious of me.
@Mariska B. Right? The contempt she holds for me is downright palpable ! I promise you, I have always been kind, polite, generous towards her. It makes zero sense to me.
She probably has seen you evolved and grown from when she first started doing your hair. I am sure you may have changed jobs, your life, and your confidence over the years yet she is still in the same spot and/or unhappy with her life. People will truly switch up on you. Sad.
I have a friend and we play Mario kart every morning cuz it’s fun, or it used to be. I won 4/5 time and he didn’t like it. He wasn’t as experienced at the game as me, and he naturally tried to get better. He has gotten better but he still can’t beat me. Now he simply tries to insult me whenever he can and call me unskilled despite us playing like normal. Then he brags about anything he does slightly correct. I’ve tried to be nice to him, but it’s gotten to the point where it’s just hard to enjoy being around him. Even my other friends hate him. He is constantly boasting about random crap that literally nobody cares about. We have been friends for years but he just started acting this way a few months ago. I’ve tried letting him win but that just made him more obnoxious. I’m very conflicted on what I should do because we have known each other for a long time and I still want us to be buds, but not act like this.
I like this animation. Very effective. Estrangement does not stand up and say "hey, I'm your biggest problem". Solve estrangement and all other problems will be easier to solve.
I'm guilty of feeling jealous because my friend of 7 years who I get along with so well has a 20 year friendship and that is her "best friend". So I guess I want a long term best friend myself but I'm still polite and not crabby about it.
I don't mind my envy feelings. I mean, they just showed me what I wanted. So I can be cheerful about it and they showed me what I want too, so it's a win-win.
We ‘should’ do all of that but if a person’s envy means that they don’t want you to have anything that they don’t have, always chasing behind, never letting you just have a moment of celebration without making you feel bad….? It’s hard to keep letting ppl hurt you and it just destroys your confidence, as they’re always going to looking for a way to bring you down to what they think is their level, subconsciously. I think it depends on the type of person you’re dealing with.
... good subject... and this can be the difference between the self-serving authoritarian personality, and the humanity serving moral personality. The authoritarian personality always wants to win, even if they have to lie and cheat, and support the initiation of force
it's me. I'm the envious friend. I feel like they enjoy rubbing their happiness in my face when they know I'm not in a good place. They're looking down on me.
Me too. When I saw my friend doing something cool for themselves, I was happy and complimented them. Though, secretly, I hid my jealousy by being quiet and trying to behave to be strong. But they also sometimes mock me for being jealous when I didn't say or do anything to hurt them. I'll continue to support them, but sometimes it hurts to be mocked when I'm trying not to be jealous.
I don’t understand and disagree on some parts. My solution is to blurt out all of the things I admire of them and tell them that I want similar things in my life. Also work for them and do my own “thing” and meet them with love in the i between
Jealousy can ruin friendships especially when the one who’s envious can’t own up to it, it erodes all the good energy everything turns into a competition
I honestly laugh about envious friends on how stupid they are. And I take them as compliments. Some one admires you so much that they basically wanna become you! ❤ 😂 hilarious right?!
There are degrees. Most of my teen cohort never passed high school. I wanted better, and went on to study Psychology at Uni. The level of envy was toxic. One would've thought they'd have been happy for me. Hahaha. Decades later, when I hooked up with them on FB, I again felt the same level of envy, this time for bettering them throughout my life, and with one of them in particular, my nice guitar collection turned him green as spinach. IMO, people who become so envious that they try to hurt and sabotage you are not really friends. Seems obvious to me, but I fooled myself for a long time about these 'friends.' Drinking buddies was all, really. I had a friend from kindergarten. He was happy I dumped the 'lost kids' and found my way.
An acquaintance of mine who I spend time talking to, booked the identical holiday of a lifetime, only, two weeks before I was going. That's the last time I'll mention any news to them.
Envy = hate. Zero admiration. They want something you have, bec they think they deserve it & you don't. They think you're lower than them. Why should you have something awesome & not them, when they're better than you. Yeah. They're crazy.
It’s true that the higher up the ladder you climb, the lonelier it becomes. I have lost a lot of friends due to envy, but this has helped me realise who my true friends are. My true friends may behave strangely for a moment, but they always redirect their envy into self improvement. False friends seek to pull me down through gas lighting, spreading rumours, and trying to sabotage my success. These experiences with false friends has taught me an important lesson, we can always make new friends who appreciate us.
Say SORRY, SORRY, SORRY Show sympathy and appreciation for the failures and successes of others, more =========================================================== Brilliant thanks
at that point its probably about more than envy, thus a different conversation with different solutions. at some point you have to stop seeing people if you find yourself not wanting to. it takes self worth, courage and a tolerance for loneliness to walk away from toxic people, i think its usually worth it.
I believe that jelous $friends" would push you away because your success reminds them of their failures and there is nothing you can do, it's a them problem, leave them behind they are anchors and dead weight for you on good
Envious or jealous people aren’t suitable to be friends with others, but they gravitate to people they consider losers, the poor, or low achievers to make themselves feel better. Jealousy and hatred go hand in hand. Best to leave them be.
I have friends who started a fight with me because after talking about their plans and careers and talked about mine and my plans to open a shop and buy a home and grow my business and they kept tellinge.how it's not gonna work to which I said "I have a plan" one of them got mad and started telling me Im a liar and bringing up how I made a small lie about working when I wasnt years ago and tried to make me look bad in front of everyone I simply said "I don't want to make enemies of eachother, I did nothing wrong haven't lied if you don't believe me that's your problem and you can cut me out of your life, all of you guys can do that I don't pay your bills neither do you pay my bills so I'd rather we change paths than fight" they act like everything should be fine now I've actually cut them off. I noticed the difference between us is I didn't look for other friends I worked and made myself busy and kept friends I've had while they made different friends especially loser once and they'd say I have ego problems because I told them honestly I don't feel comfortable being around their new friends because they're either losers and make me feel like a loser. I noticed they have loser friends to make themselves feel good and my success and determination damages them.
I can't remember the last time I felt envy, it's been decades, but that's because I'm very happy and grateful for the life I have. I celebrate my friends' successes, unreservedly.
If you don’t envy anyone I guaranty that you have people that envy you
If this is true then you are a gem and I’d have been lucky to have you as a friend. ☮️
I celebrate others; they cannot do that for me, and it's all good.
Me too
Not sure that is 💯 true. Jealousy and envy are natural human feelings as stated in this video. The difference is the healthy way of acknowledging and dealing with it so that it’s doesn’t feature rather it’s eliminated!
A wise man once said, “Be careful who you let on your ship. Some people will sink the whole ship just because they can’t be the captain.” Some of the most poisonous people come disguised as friends.
Well said.. so true
and family
I've learned this the hard way.
Amen. Inviting them over (as this video suggests) so that you can exchange tales of envy is ridiculous. My frenemy wants the worst for me. She grieves over my triumphs and rejoices in my failings. It's not normal to want to tear others down - it's evil.
@@shellbell8062 I agree 100%. I am an encourager so people who love to tear people down are not just baffling but I also think that they are evil....and tend to be trash.
I recently ended a friendship with someone who I’ve known for a long time. He checked all the boxes described in this video. I eventually got tired of always listening to him and helping him out when he needed it but not getting any of that from him. It always felt like he was treating me like I was the selfish and entitled when in fact he was the one being selfish and entitled. It doesn’t feel good to lose a friend but I feel better off without him.
Recently went through this.
You will end up really disappointed if you go through life thinking people will do for you as you do for them. Not everyone has the same heart as you. Learn to deal with people for who they are, not who you want them to be. Life gets a lot easier when you stop expecting apple juice from oranges. How they treat you is how they feel about you so be picky with who you invest your time in, wasted time is worse than wasted money. You always know how much money you have in life, but you never know how much time you have. Never give someone the opportunity to waste your time twice.
I just got rid of a guy I'd known some three years ago and didn't like him then. He suddenly wanted to be my besty. Turned out he was planning on quitting his job, "Because the boss always wants me to do all this work." That's a quote. The shoe dropped and he wanted a place to stay. I hate users.
All part of growing up.
I also went through this and ended friendship with her few days back
In Jamaica we have a term to describe this; it's called badmind. So sad that some ppl don't understand that everyone has their own paths in life. Today for you, tomorrow for me. These sort of ppl who envy others will sometimes sabotage your happiness so they can bask in your loss. Badmind ppl
very popular nowadays, isn't?
I heard a 90 year old give her life advice, “Avoid toxic people!”
Lol, I hear Popcaan saying "badmind can't defeat me" now I know exactly what it means.
I'm from South Africa btw.
Good to know thanks !
Nigerians also say badmind
"envy is concealed admiration." - Soren Kierkegaard
Wow!
dont know you, but i feel very bad around envy persons, even if it is concealed admiration, that's the problem.
@@mrstefano11 either concealed admiration
Or boiling hatred
It's witchcraft.
Really REALLY concealed 🙂
There’s a difference between friends who are occasionally envious and people who truly don’t like you and are envious though. Some people don’t want the reassurance either, they just truly don’t like you and because of what you have it makes it worse.
Exactly
yes, especially with certain types of women, they just become evil when they are envious. best to steer clear!
I agree. Some people are truly malevolent and evil. This video doesn't seem to take that truth into account. Always question all lessons presented to you. Thanks for sharing.
Not all envious friends/family are here to stay. I've been disregarded by some, and others I've had to avoid. Their fake smiles and passive-aggressiveness just don't sit well with me. I'm better off with those who still treat me the same than pleasing those who can't count their blessings.
I can remember the last time I was envious and it made me sick once I realized it. Once I learned to be grateful it was easier to see loved ones success as my success.
Envious family members and people from the same culture really made me depressed growing up. I am 35 years old and still just about recovering from the toxic bad memories.
Some of the most poisonous people come disguised as family and friends.
Me too , many were jealous and it came to a point of surrounded by many jealous people
It is the most painful feeling when practically ever girlfriend envies you. I am devastated from it. Most of my friends have betrayed me out of jealousy.
Envious siblings are a much bigger problem.
I have a beautiful singing voice and as adults, my older sister told me she wanted to rip it out of my throat. We don’t speak anymore and the estrangement was all her doing. I’ve tried to reach out, but I guess she doesn’t want me in her life.
@@margo3367 I have a toxic brother who gets activated when I get acknowledged, especially by our parents. Otherwise he acts pretty normal. Except- I tried to set him up as my social security beneficiary, but he said he does not pass out his social security number. Yet we know, all banks and government transactions require we give our social. So I called him on his bs. And now he has vanished with his angered shame. We now know he is emotionally damaged in some way. Feels like victory over all the covert crap of childhood.
@@margo3367 Damn, that is so sad. Such a shame that she is such an idiot. You two could be best friends otherwise.
Sometimes, parents inadvertently create these situations
Comparing and making your situation worse...is victim mentality Olympics.
Not only does it invalidate someone else, but it is arrogant/ignorant.
I have had both an envious friend and sibling and they are BOTH painful.
Different dynamics and layers.
To claim your suffering is greater (or bigger) is pretty egocentric...it makes your experience THE experience, and doesn't allow for the multitudes of potential experiences, siblings OR friends.
Please be careful of cognitive distortions, biases, narratives, which all warp our interpretations of reality. A negativity bias and lack of empathy could be making you have a god-complex...
There's no way I'd give my social security number to my sibling. They are toxic and seem to have anosognosia about it.
Introspection and metacognition are key.
Friends are not envious. The much more important lesson is to have discernment before calling anyone a friend...
I am not a jealous person but I've lived with very miserable envious people. I can appreciate good traits and achievements even in enemies and turn them into inspiration for me
Me too. There are many envious and unsupportive people around me and I'm not like that at all. I mind my own business. I hope someday I can find supportive and emotionally mature people around me.
@@pelinkizilkus3884 Same here.
Same here
me too. that's why i cannot understand these miserable types who take their misery out onto you
I've seen an envious person in art group I've joined. He was a president of the group, makes a lot of money than me, got more connections than me, more athletic than me, and one thing he envied; my art. bec he knows I draw and paint better (in advanced way) than him and seems like he's preventing me from succeeding.
I guess my gut feeling was right.
Yea ur right
You need to ignore what your friends are doing and achieving. Your life is about breaking your own limits and outgrowing yourself to live your best life. You are not in competition with anyone else; plan to outdo your past, not other people. Don’t compare your life to others. There’s no comparison between the sun and the moon. They shine when it’s their time.
I do think we all get jealous of our friends from time to time, especially when it looks like they are moving forward and we aren't, but we should not let it get to envy, we all have our times and seasons of growth and progress.
Indeed
"If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter,
For always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself."
Max Ehrmann, Desiderata
All right
@@MBasu-km8by hmmm. You Right. I agree.
My siblings are like this. So I stop talking about what I do. Pointed it out to them why they never asked how I was doing and it was only me asking. No point to share my happiness if they are not happy about it.
This seems easier said than done. I'd rather cut the envious people out my life altogether before they backstab me.
I've been watching different videos from TSOL and seems like most, if not all, problematic issues end up having the same solution: greater love, care and reassurance between humans.
True, and dont forget "understanding" as well. Understanding is important to make us empathize and be compassionate to each other.
Some humans.
Here where I live we have a big problem with envy: people don't understand their own feelings and start hating those they are envy of, it ruined so many friendships, relationships and family bonds - even parents can get envy and act against their child's best interest, this is so scary.
I personally don't remember when I was envy last time, maybe in a early childhood, as I have a mentality that everyone deserve what they have, even when others don't think they do.
Thank you Alain. You have taken the fear out of a situation that has been bothering me. I have an envious friend and I was thinking I need to cut her off. I told her I love her. You have reassured me this is the right way to go. I am incredibly grateful 🙏
I rarely envy people, but somehow I find some people envy me for looking too happy :'(
When I find them envy me, it is just too late, they tend to hurt me. So it's super hard to handle that with kindness, honesty and intelligence
I disagree with this video. Keep jealous and envious people around to your own detriment because your success and happiness is a narcissistic injury to their egos . Reassurances using love and kindness wont help as these types will only be reassured if you suffer loss, thereby elevating themselves. Never underestimate the sabotage a jealous and envious person can do to your life if you give them access.
I never realized how healthy telling people I am happy for them and also so jealous congratulations was. I just never treated it as a negative. Instead treating it more as a powerful compliment. That always seemed to be fine with everyone, mostly because I didnt go to hit them over the head with a toy firetruck right afterwards.
The darker side of this, is that I dont expect that kind of behaviour from other people. As I got things other people wanted, especially when they told me my ideas for doing so were stupid and I proved them wrong, people increasingly wanted to see me fail. I remember a transition in my life where I thought I should probably stop talking about all the things I am grateful for, and I either talked about what was giving me a hard time, or nothing. It became a habit.
Adjusting for others weaknesses messes you up a little bit.
Thank you for sharing this. If I may say, I think bottling up within ourselves about things we ought to have expressed by then, right at that moment, will also surely incur more ramifications. So I hope you put forth genuinely whatever's going on by getting out of this 'goodwill' snare
Narsissist detected^^
I can cry telling stories of what traumas people put me through due to envy. It was like me against all. It made my nervous system go through so many negative emotions and resistance but though it was tough, it built a character out of me. It made me powerful because then I started to understand human psychology and why humans act the way act. It taught me emotional and social intelligence. Anyone out there going through it, just be there for yourself. Allah has a way of rewarding things and it is by testing you. You are not alone, you have you. No matter what circumstances you've had in your life, it never changed the one you are. So just be that. The world needs it.
I'd be skeptical of such friendships.
Told a friend the other day that I was envious that she found a great guy years ago. Super glad did, but also totally jealous!
You are a good friend for telling her. It means you value your friendship more than your envy. Im sure your friend respects you ten folds now
Keep distance. And be close friends only with people your level.
True.
Exactly
Which level is that? We’re not stuck on one level, human nature is very fluid and anybody can be envious at times
What if you can't keep distance with them and are at a situation where you have to deal with them every day? for example you're in the same class as them and your friends aren't in the same class as yours?
you don't even need an envious person to be considered as your friends. just simply cut them off
My secret ingredient for dealing with envious friends (and this has taken place recently) is to tell them that what they're doing is not beneficial to your well-being but in a polite and respectful way. If that doesn't work, let them know why you feel the way they do, and if they can't accept that; just keep a distance and limit the time you spend with them. That doesn't mean you have to ignore them completely but if proper boundaries are set; this will lead to less tension and core values will be more powerful than ever before at neutralizing any envy or jealousy any friends would have.
You must be fun at parties.
@@margo3367 😂😂
@@margo3367 at least come up with something original.
This is an old, tired, repeated phrase.
Not everything is about "being fun at parties"
Life isn't a party and sometimes hard conversations need to be had.
@awesomelegs 😅 Ever dealt with a narcissist??
I really don’t think they are looking for an “ assurance “ from us when they are being jealous. It’s a natural emotion and we can give them some time to get over it, if not then I just cut them off !
I’ve realized that there are some people who you can’t be friends with because of this. Envy is normal, but if it grows so much that they can’t communicate with you in an authentic manner without competing or one upping you, then it’s not worth it. We even had a talk about some of the behaviours and she apologized, but nothing changed in the years following because I don’t think she wanted to admit to herself that she was experiencing envy. I think for some people, envy will be there in most of their relationships because of deep rooted insecurities that form early on. It makes me sad, because I tried to heal this particular friendship, and I know I wasn’t always a perfect friend, but we’re grown adults, and I can’t heal and manage someone else’s emotional triggers.
Easy if you have a "friend" who isn't happy for you and good things that happen to you. ..they arnt a friend. and if you are dealing with hard-core envy whether passive or direct ( rarely ever us direct) ....RUN! Don't fight
..don't try and get a last word. or help them. Run.
Don't be so quick to remove them from your life. It would make them more angry. You should do it slowly.
Run run run.. Yo
No they don't want verbal reassurance, they want to feel superior. Either by you putting yourself down, or by them taking matters into their own hands through passive agressive attacks. I have 0 tolerance for such people. I did confront them about it a few times before deciding to cut ties.
There are a select type of people who no amount of reassurance will ever make them feel worthy of themselves. These are psychopaths, narcissists, etc. While they do exist, it's important to remember that they are not the norm - most people, and I mean people who have healthy "bonding mechanisms", is who this video works for. If you have reasons to believe that your friends do not have this quality (and instead fall to the select groups I mentioned), then you probably shouldn't be friends with them at all. At the very least, you should keep a safe distance - always open to when they're ready to express their vulnerability, but never so much that they have enough power to screw you over. It's a situational matter, but I find that the points of this video a good framework to dealing with most scenarios regarding friendship - friendships you would want to have in the first place.
Mystery solved!!
@@thesonof50men67 I'm not disagreeing with anything you said, I just want to note that a lot of the time, you don't discover the narcissism or psychopathy in a person until/ unless this situation arises. I believe that most people, who have healthy bonding mechanisms are much less likely to be envious to such a degree that it puts strain on a friendship. Not sure if it is the line of work that I'm in or if they just aren't really that uncommon, but I've encountered and even worked directly with a fair number of psychopaths, narcissists and at least one sociopath.
@@thesonof50men67 honestly, that specific person I am refering to is nowhere near a narcissist, or paychopath. In fact he is nice and helpful, but has a self worth issue that manifest as jealousy.
Alain you’re back!! 🥰❤️ Haven’t been on the SOL channel in awhile, but it’s so great to come back to hearing Alain’s voice ❤️
A really great video! I enjoyed it a lot. One addition I'd like to add: How about, before we immediately assume that only envy is the reason another friend is behaving weirdly. Let's stay open to the possibility that they might also experience something else. For exmple, are they perhaps sad about something that happened to them, and they were not yet quite able or willing to tell us? And they don't want to bring down the mood? There can be many reasons that don't have anything to do with us. Let's stay open, kind and curious about that :)
Nope Envious friends are dangerous and very intruding. Get rid of them and make new friends. Life goes on.
agreed!
This is way too sweet 🥰
I will let my friend know "I love you so much that I'm scared you might leave me behind"
First of all, anyone who is envious of you and your decisions aren't your friends. Stay far away because that envy will come out one way or another...
Completely untrue. We all deal with pangs of longing for what another has. We are always comparing, especially to those who are closest to us. That is only the basis of a bad friendship when you begin to sabotage, wish I'll, or resent your friend. These things can be worked through and dealt with if both parties wish to. Otherwise it will fester.
I feel like this needs to be taught to children so that we don't need to deal with people's immaturity and pettiness as adults which is just exhausting. I understand being caring and tender towards humanity is important, but there is a limit to revolving our entire lives around the most emotionally immature people. To quote Marianne Williamson: "There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you." That doesn't mean anyone should gloat or be obnoxious. But there's nothing wrong with just existing in the neutral facts of life.
When I saw my friend doing something cool for themselves, I was happy and complimented them. Though, secretly, I hid my jealousy by being quiet and trying to behave to be strong. But they also sometimes mock me for not trying to be jealous when I didn't say or do anything to hurt them. I'll continue to support them, but sometimes it hurts to be mocked when I'm trying not to be jealous. I'm working on myself.
If Envy is felt, it's a fleeting thought. However, people envy me like an obsession.
It's depends on the quality of the friends.
Thank you. That was very freeing. I thought I was less than when I felt envy for a friend, now I can be open about my feelings. I don't want to be them, just to remain there friend. 😊♥️
Envious people don't want your job, things, home, etc. They want their own success.
The very definition of envy is wanting what someone else has!
If they are envious then they are not your friends.
It reminds me of a time where I confronted a friend who came clean to me about her being envious of me, with: "You might not have something that I do, but I also do not have something that you do. Be it time, financial security, job, whatnot- that we, each, value." And I could see a dead silent look in her face after that.
Great segment. Lovely to have the original narrator back as well.
Can you make a video if I am the envious friend? Saying stuff like I’m on my own path is hard to truly believe in.. and feels wishy washy. I am finding it hard to be happy for my friends success- and feels fake if I have to feign it even if that is the right thing to do.
Great question! Firstly I commend you for being honest about this struggle because all humans being have had this feeling at some point or another. I have video which I HIGHLY recommend l:
th-cam.com/video/wph1EJeBuhE/w-d-xo.html
The video basically explains and looks into why we compare , it usually highlights an area of lack in our lives. For example a friend is making more money than you is pointing you to the fact that you would like to feel more fulfilled in that area. So it’s not a bad thing because the reason for it is valid we all want to feel more fulfilled in different areas of our lives especially areas which are important to us. So the key is to ask you’re what about then is making me envious could it be that they have relationships and I don’t we’ll bingo. I feel unfulfilled in my relationships ! That’s an areas I want to work on in my life and it’s important. It could be that deep down you feel not good enough for relationships then I should target those core beliefs and work on ways to feel more fulfilled in relationships I.e maybe try dating APPS or meeting new people etc.
Then the video talks about how comparison doesn’t make sense because we all have different personalities so what’s important to one may not be to another. I.e one person may have a personality need for creativity and they see that through idk content creating but another may have a huge need for connection and relationships so we will grow in and desire and work towards what’s important to us depending on our personalities.
You don't have to be overly happy for your friends success. Focus on yourself it doesn't make you jealous. I do my own things and I know someone is jealous when they get angry or questione to much, or question others to much when someone tells me something I simply congratulate them acknowledge it and move on. If someone expects you to overly celebrate their success they're a problem too.
Open discussion implies that you are dealing with wholistically mature and balanced beings, otherwise you're just pouring gasoline to the fire of being double faced.
@Message-theschooloflife1 Nice!
Come here...
closer...
Closer...
CLOSER...
🗡️
How to deal with envy when I'm the envious one lmao
My friend has everything I want and I have nothing he wants lol
Introspection, intergrating your shadow, facing the dragon, becoming aware of your subconscience, etc. and learning your own value and to love yourself. You're externalising your innerchild who rejects himself on some levels by putting others or qualities and possesions of others on a pedestal (at least, that's what i think....assumption based on experience). Alan Watts, Carl Jung, Jordan Peterson, Einzel Gänger, After Skool, Awaken Insights, Academy of Ideas are a few people and channels that might help you find a way to lose the chains you drag around...
Hahaha
I had this same problem and it came from the feeling that we don;'t measure up or aren't good enough in life which is a lie we started to believe about ourselves as kid. Everyone has their own gift on this Earth once we acknowledge that we are enough as we are and we appreciate ourselves, then this self love turns outwards to others as appreciation. Also, because we love ourselves, we set our own goals and work on them regardless of what others are doing so we have no need to measure ourselves to others since we are traveling along our own path. Check out the enneagram system to help yourself understand your core fears and desires and find out how to heal them . Take care fellow human.
My hairdresser, whom I have known for 25 years, has become rude and envious of me. I was told that she gave me a nasty side-eyed look a couple of weeks ago. The other day I went in to make an appointment and she said, "what's your name again?" I'm done with her. She's not a friend, but... her recent actions make me feel sick. I'm told that she is envious of me.
@Mariska B. Right? The contempt she holds for me is downright palpable ! I promise you, I have always been kind, polite, generous towards her. It makes zero sense to me.
Unfortunately, the world is littered with such people. Envy won't make us better as a species, it will only lead to the fall of healthy communities.
Be careful. She could “accidentally” ruin your hair if you were to go back.
She probably has seen you evolved and grown from when she first started doing your hair. I am sure you may have changed jobs, your life, and your confidence over the years yet she is still in the same spot and/or unhappy with her life. People will truly switch up on you. Sad.
She ain’t a friend ,she is a service treat as such.
What an amazing explanation!!!❤️
I have a friend and we play Mario kart every morning cuz it’s fun, or it used to be. I won 4/5 time and he didn’t like it. He wasn’t as experienced at the game as me, and he naturally tried to get better. He has gotten better but he still can’t beat me. Now he simply tries to insult me whenever he can and call me unskilled despite us playing like normal. Then he brags about anything he does slightly correct. I’ve tried to be nice to him, but it’s gotten to the point where it’s just hard to enjoy being around him. Even my other friends hate him. He is constantly boasting about random crap that literally nobody cares about. We have been friends for years but he just started acting this way a few months ago. I’ve tried letting him win but that just made him more obnoxious. I’m very conflicted on what I should do because we have known each other for a long time and I still want us to be buds, but not act like this.
I like this animation. Very effective.
Estrangement does not stand up and say "hey, I'm your biggest problem". Solve estrangement and all other problems will be easier to solve.
"Envy" and "friends" are not compatible words. Make a choice.
That’s not the message of this vdo. Envy is a normal emotion from time to time
I'm guilty of feeling jealous because my friend of 7 years who I get along with so well has a 20 year friendship and that is her "best friend". So I guess I want a long term best friend myself but I'm still polite and not crabby about it.
I don't mind my envy feelings. I mean, they just showed me what I wanted. So I can be cheerful about it and they showed me what I want too, so it's a win-win.
We ‘should’ do all of that but if a person’s envy means that they don’t want you to have anything that they don’t have, always chasing behind, never letting you just have a moment of celebration without making you feel bad….? It’s hard to keep letting ppl hurt you and it just destroys your confidence, as they’re always going to looking for a way to bring you down to what they think is their level, subconsciously. I think it depends on the type of person you’re dealing with.
... good subject... and this can be the difference between the self-serving authoritarian personality, and the humanity serving moral personality. The authoritarian personality always wants to win, even if they have to lie and cheat, and support the initiation of force
Thank you. That's wonderful advice ❤
it's me. I'm the envious friend. I feel like they enjoy rubbing their happiness in my face when they know I'm not in a good place. They're looking down on me.
Thats your jealous paranoia
I could never tell my friends that I'm envious of them because then that would make me feel like a child.
Me too. When I saw my friend doing something cool for themselves, I was happy and complimented them. Though, secretly, I hid my jealousy by being quiet and trying to behave to be strong. But they also sometimes mock me for being jealous when I didn't say or do anything to hurt them. I'll continue to support them, but sometimes it hurts to be mocked when I'm trying not to be jealous.
I was always envious of my closest friends. It's what made me strive to do better, get in shape and get a great career.
Let me save you the time,if you have a friend and they are envious you should not trust them,it’s that simple!
I don’t understand and disagree on some parts. My solution is to blurt out all of the things I admire of them and tell them that I want similar things in my life. Also work for them and do my own “thing” and meet them with love in the i between
Jealousy can ruin friendships especially when the one who’s envious can’t own up to it, it erodes all the good energy everything turns into a competition
I think "the problem" are the lenses we use to perceive the world, our relationships, purpose and place in it.
One of my friends said really hurtful things to me just because I got more marks than me. That made me lose faith in 'friends '..💔
I honestly laugh about envious friends on how stupid they are. And I take them as compliments. Some one admires you so much that they basically wanna become you! ❤ 😂 hilarious right?!
LOVE this animation
I was just struggling with this! Thank you!
You should never be jealous of anyone BC you never know what might happen in their lives.
There are degrees. Most of my teen cohort never passed high school. I wanted better, and went on to study Psychology at Uni. The level of envy was toxic. One would've thought they'd have been happy for me. Hahaha. Decades later, when I hooked up with them on FB, I again felt the same level of envy, this time for bettering them throughout my life, and with one of them in particular, my nice guitar collection turned him green as spinach.
IMO, people who become so envious that they try to hurt and sabotage you are not really friends. Seems obvious to me, but I fooled myself for a long time about these 'friends.' Drinking buddies was all, really. I had a friend from kindergarten. He was happy I dumped the 'lost kids' and found my way.
Thank you for this lesson ❤
Omg especially when you get a fine girl, you can feel the hate😂😂😂
What an amazing video , loved it
Envy could be taught or developed early in an individual. It just grows.
An acquaintance of mine who I spend time talking to, booked the identical holiday of a lifetime, only, two weeks before I was going.
That's the last time I'll mention any news to them.
My one of the biggest fear is turning into that envious friend
Ever since I became a BIG TIME TH-camR, I had to deal with stuff like this
Envy = hate. Zero admiration. They want something you have, bec they think they deserve it & you don't. They think you're lower than them. Why should you have something awesome & not them, when they're better than you. Yeah. They're crazy.
It’s true that the higher up the ladder you climb, the lonelier it becomes. I have lost a lot of friends due to envy, but this has helped me realise who my true friends are. My true friends may behave strangely for a moment, but they always redirect their envy into self improvement. False friends seek to pull me down through gas lighting, spreading rumours, and trying to sabotage my success. These experiences with false friends has taught me an important lesson, we can always make new friends who appreciate us.
Say SORRY, SORRY, SORRY
Show sympathy and appreciation for the failures and successes of others, more
=========================================================== Brilliant thanks
thanks so much
What about toxic friendships, when the level of envy becomes incredibly destructive?
at that point its probably about more than envy, thus a different conversation with different solutions. at some point you have to stop seeing people if you find yourself not wanting to. it takes self worth, courage and a tolerance for loneliness to walk away from toxic people, i think its usually worth it.
Remove those toxic people from your life. Do it slowly. Make excuses when they invite you somewhere. Don't talk them too much. Act like busy.
@@pelinkizilkus3884 bence yavasca kopmak cozum tam olarak degil
"We" don't envy people. Only some people envy.
I have removed these type of people out my life for my own sanity
Envy is self-loathing
This is why we should never count another mans money.
btw, people shouldn't be expected to know how to not accidentally hurt you,
very high insecurity can make someone close to you paranoid or annoyed
That’s so weird, that I noticed I’ve stopped being envious and jealous, when I openly admitted that I was envious and jealous
You openly admit to yourself or the other person?
@@lames4815 to others
@@lames4815 duh
@@BabyLeeek I’m not mocking u, I’m truly asking
duh
I believe that jelous $friends" would push you away because your success reminds them of their failures and there is nothing you can do, it's a them problem, leave them behind they are anchors and dead weight for you on good
Beautiful. Thank you 💗
Envious or jealous people aren’t suitable to be friends with others, but they gravitate to people they consider losers, the poor, or low achievers to make themselves feel better. Jealousy and hatred go hand in hand. Best to leave them be.
I have friends who started a fight with me because after talking about their plans and careers and talked about mine and my plans to open a shop and buy a home and grow my business and they kept tellinge.how it's not gonna work to which I said "I have a plan" one of them got mad and started telling me Im a liar and bringing up how I made a small lie about working when I wasnt years ago and tried to make me look bad in front of everyone I simply said "I don't want to make enemies of eachother, I did nothing wrong haven't lied if you don't believe me that's your problem and you can cut me out of your life, all of you guys can do that I don't pay your bills neither do you pay my bills so I'd rather we change paths than fight" they act like everything should be fine now I've actually cut them off. I noticed the difference between us is I didn't look for other friends I worked and made myself busy and kept friends I've had while they made different friends especially loser once and they'd say I have ego problems because I told them honestly I don't feel comfortable being around their new friends because they're either losers and make me feel like a loser. I noticed they have loser friends to make themselves feel good and my success and determination damages them.
1. GET RID OF THEM. Done.
This Hits harder!
Thank you #Tsol
Not friends...not enemies...
but
Strangers with sweet memories.
Envy is something I receive I don’t dish out.
Yes , same here .. we have to take it as a compliment , we are so great people are envious of us . 🤩✌️
"Envy is a declaration of inferiority." Napoleon Bonaparte.
Some friend are very a hole people.. they would be jealous if they don't had a Penny that you possess
Envy. The dark side of human nature.