How to set boundaries as a people-pleaser (+FREE pdf)
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 4 พ.ย. 2023
- How to set boundaries
Setting boundaries is really challenging for a lot of us, especially if you're a people-pleaser. One of the steps to overcoming people-pleasing is learning how to set proper boundaries, so you can protect your time, energy and resources. We are so used to being kind and polite and being liked by everyone, it's hard to know how to set boundaries without being rude - or without feeling guilty. Here are some actual examples of how to set boundaries, so you don't feel stuck next time you need to speak up and have that difficult conversation with your partner, a friend, family member or colleague.
Download the FREE boundary cheatsheet here:
mailchi.mp/848999094de8/how-t...
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Thank you for your extraordinary videos, Dr. Sarah! I am an 80--year-old subscriber to your channel and only yesterday I applied your advice when a dear friend of 40 years' standing asked me to do something for her that I did not want to do. In the past, I would have said yes, and resented it deeply. Thanks to you, I lovingly and clearly said no. It felt strange because I'd never said no to her in 40 years! But she accepted my "No" without a whine or a whimper or a scintilla of anger. WOW!!! What a great experience. I owe it to you, Dr. Sarah! Deepest gratitude and admiration for how you succinctly present your advice so that viewers/listeners can understand it and apply it because it resonates so deeply. I think the fact that you acknowledge that you, yourself were a people-pleaser is particularly helpful because your viewers sense that you have lived through this problem and have found superb ways of reacting and responding. Bravissima!!!
This comment has blown me away! I'm SO pleased to hear that. Good on you for taking action on it, its never easy. And how lovely that your friend didn't push back either! I'm really happy for you. May it long continue! Thank you for watching, and thank you for taking the time to leave such a lovely comment, you've made my week!! 💕🙏
Super helpful examples and kindly said!! Its encouraging to hear someone else clearly and kindly state healthy examples! Its funny that you mentioned "soft boundaries." I actually realized i do that even with my husband but moving forward i plan to be more intentional about being direct and kind and spending less time seeking validation from him and others. I feel guilty even saying that haha but i want to honor nyself...also my husband is a bit stronger than me when it comes to setting boundaries so im sure he will be fine to hear that i might want alone time every once in a while or whatever else.
Yes, I’ve always been a people pleaser but working out of this. Thank you.
Glad to hear you're working on it! Keep going 💪
I love love love this video, and I’m excited to read the examples! Yesterday I gave in to the “your urgency isn’t my emergency” and I didn’t enjoy my day off :( so I’m going to learn from you and also print out a few sayings that help, that you e mentioned 🥰 you’re fabulous!!!!
Sorry you didn't enjoy your day off. I hope the examples are helpful for you! Practice makes perfect, you've got this!!
Thank you Dr Sarah
I like the examples of setting boundaries.
Sometimes I want to say something but words just won’t come out 🤣
Yessss! I know what you mean. It's easier said than done... but I promise it gets easier with practice.
I have a colleague who has no filters and I am sensitive to some of her comments and reactions. I would tell her what bothers me but then some other comments/reactions would come up. I think I am just going to avoid her but sometimes, it’s not possible.
I keep skipping back to find the saying you were mentioning by a well known man now I’m forgetting and I can’t find it but I loved the saying. Someone please comment if they know the one I’m taking about 😂
Did you find it?!
Dear Sarah, Any recovery tips for winter season? how do you deal with having a cold or being sick? I need some tips for recovery/ after the flu , something for getting back in shape after illness 😷💕
Thank you for compiling and posting this, its really useful, especially in how to communicate your needs with what is personally acceptable ,Im looking into promoting dignity and respect in the work place and feel it starts with our own self care and our core values and how we live in alignment with those values which help us become the person we want to be. Would it be okay with your permission to share your pdf guide as a resource tool?
I'm glad you found it helpful! Yes, you may use it (please credit me and don't edit it!), thanks for checking with me first! I hope it's helpful for your workshop.
@@SarahNicholls thank you of course credit where credit is due I'm sure it will be helpful xxx
What happens when we depend on our job or task to be done from a hysterical person who repeatedly steps over our boundaries and doesn't listen to our request that they stop screaming - and they do it day after day?
Like having toxic job with a lot of bullying that we cannot quit due to finances?
Or having toxic family members which we cannot block due to other family members who are frail, old, too young and need our support by keeping the contact?
Or making a list of chores and demands to be done in a system that is harmful for us on daily basis - and without it we cannot get papers, visa, bureaucracy, property, ownership etc.
So inability to quit toxic ambient is first problem.
The next problem is emotional and trauma.
I am talking about toxic shame here.
People pleasing is the same inability to tolerate hysterical people as narcissists also do have the same inability - but they deal with this by being toxic and aggressive. We deal with this trauma by attacking ourselves through self blame and self rejection.
With toxic shame we feel automatic and quick immediate Rejection Sensitivity that is painful and it sets us up to quit living, isolate ourselves and feel shame and blame.
These things you did not mention in this video - and it is not your fault.
Those two crucial elements are unknown and mysterious to the general public, especially to CBT - and they are dismissed with simply being a victim and with an attitude about who cares for a person who has no money to leave.
Those of us who were not born with silver spoon in our mouth - do not have Self installed inside us. We simply did not have money to built security and safety that most people have.
Like - if someone doesn't like a job - they quit it and find another one. In rural parts and poor countries this finding another job is science fiction - and people are forced to live in oppression and put downs and narcissistic abuse both at home and in society - especially in shame culture countries.
For anyone shuffling with these two core ACoA ACE Quiet BPD issues - I would suggest learning IFS Model and No Bad Parts book.
Very interesting points, thank you.
You're right that I didn't address them in the video - in those instances it's definitely more complex than the simple three steps. Dealing with abusive people, systemic oppression, stigma etc will always make it much more difficult and complicated.
Download the FREE PDF here (50 examples of how to set boundaries). Let's goooo! mailchi.mp/848999094de8/how-to-set-boundaries
I suggest increasing your audio levels by like 30-60%.
That's helpful, thank you! I will.
Omg this is eye opening!
I hope it was helpful for you!
isnt being rude a requirement to be british ?
Ouch 😂