9 ways to change your anxious attachment style to a secure attachment.
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 3 ก.ค. 2024
- If you have an anxious attachment style you’re probably dreaming of what it would be like to feel more secure in your relationships. To not feel so worried about your connection and to not get hijacked by fear and insecurity. In this video I am going to go over 9 things you can do in order to start feeling more secure and stop feeling so tied up in knots.
✅ Follow TherapyJeff on TikTok: / therapyjeff
✅ Follow TherapyJeff on Instagram: / therapyjeff
✅ Check out my website at www.therapyjeff.com
✅ Find a therapist on TherapyDen: www.therapyden.com
#attachmentstyle #anxiousattachmentstyle #relationships #datingadvice
If you want more relationship tips and dating advice make sure you subscribe! And if you enjoyed my tips a free way to support my channel is to like this video. If you have any questions or feedback make sure to leave them in the comments section.
I am not taking on clients at this time. If you’re looking for a counselor like me check out TherapyDen.com to easily find a therapist near you!
Even though I’m a licensed therapist, I’m not your licensed therapist. This account is not a substitute for professional therapy. You should go find your own therapist at TherapyDen.com if you want individualized help.
This was not a childhood developed attachment style for me, people don’t talk about how an adult relationship can create this
This. 100%.
Same
How does this happen
It's the only option we have
Oh that's a great idea to work on. Yes I agree it's important to understand how attachment styles can change especially when experiencing a toxic relationship
1. Find a partner who' secure
Learn to need met and make boundaries
2. Get in touch with shame, you are enough.
3. Express your emotional need
4. Dont play games, be vulnerable and direct
5. Be gentle and less critical
6. Soothe yourself
7. Focus on yourself, do your own thing
8. Go to therapy
Go to therapist should be n. 1 ☺
In my country interpersonal therapies are not popular
Md
@@Kiky812 exactly hahaha
2.5. Work on your self-esteem :)
I love that you start off by saying: there is nothing wrong with you and it’s not your fault. Thank you. 🥰
Finally, someone who is not making me feel bad about my axious attachment...thank you!!
I dated 1 secure man in my life and it was literally life changing. 😩 he had to move far away for work so I unfortunately could not keep him forever. ☹️ his presence in my life healed me tremendously but then my next relationship was a hot mess and I feel like I’m back to square one. Thank you so much for this video. ❤
Were you not able to travel and relocate with your former ex?
Though, I follow the rule that if something does not work out, then it is not for us. He is not the only person with a secure attachment style, so keep searching and have your 'filters' on, so that you can see any red flags early and know whom to avoid/not to give your energy to
Me too
1:20 Find a partner with a secure attachment.
1:48 Work on feeling less shame so you can start feeling more worthy.
2:21 Work on building your self-esteem.
2:55 Express your emotional needs in a clear and direct way.
3:33 Don't play games. Be vulnerable and direct instead.
3:59 Resist being so critical of yourself.
4:27 Learn to do a lot more self-soothing.
4:59 Focus more on yourself.
5:28 Go to therapy.
thank you
Obsessively watching videos on anxious attachment certainly helps...
To make me more anxious.
😂😂😂😂😂 same
Right!!!!!😂😂😂
My relationship was healthy and something i never knew id feel good about but the truth was i was so anxious to the point i was physically distressed with no apetite, nausea and insomnia. We had to take a break and work on ourselves in between
How is your relationship going?
I broke it up in reality bc of my anxiety
Going through this very thing right now.
Me too
I was in a long distance relationship, the guy i was with lives in America and had a pretty busy schedule & the different time zones messed us up a lot! We tried being in a relationship two times but Everytime failed.. I was so anxious about him not giving me enough reassurance or not messaging me on time.. so we split up and remained friends. He is not the one for me unfortunately 💔
Would be easier just to get someone who is also anxiously attached so you can both just spend all your time together saying I love you and worshiping each other 🤷🏻♀️
LOL!!!
Lmao this is exactly how I feel right now
Not all it’s cracked up to be once you realize that you’re codependent and lose your sense of self!
Hahahaha
Lol 😂
Thank you. That last statement...if they're triggering my attachment style then they aren't a good match for me. I needed to hear that. ❤
Actually no one triggering you except yourself if you're dating with someone has secure attachment style.
@@ravienadel4612secure attachment partners won’t trigger you nearly as much, and will quickly work to soothe you if you do get triggered. As opposed to an avoidant attachment person who will despise you for it and distance themselves from you, thus escalating the problem. Or an anxious attachment person who will take it personally and attack you for it, again, escalating the problem.
I found your comment rather shaming,which is not helpful.
I needed to hear that too 🙏
Can you pretty please do a series like this for us lucky anxious/avoidant peeps.
Thank you for this video. I found out I have an anxious attachment style 6 months ago......at age 51!! Thanks to my therapist and a LOT of hard self-work, I'm slllllloooowwwwwllllyyy starting to process this and work through it. I've made a LOT of changes in my personal life over the last two years, but dealing with my anxiety and anxious attachment has been by far the hardest thing I've ever done.
You are not alone in this battle. I'm 46 and just last year discovered this. Better later than never. It's very emotionally exhausting sometime the whole process. I need to talk myself through in order for my subconscious mind to change the way I was programmed for years. Rewarding but I feel like a child who learns on how to walk.
Dating someone w anxious attachment style, it’s really draining for me. I find myself always having to reassure him, tell him things can be worked on and it will be okay. But he has this voice in his head he won’t budge.
I was dozing off but heard " stop critizing yourself" lol so started listening again
I had an episode last night. I started feeling anxious and didn't feel better until I fell asleep.
I am currently seeing a guy who I really like & who is super sweet to me. He has also expressed how much he likes me and how he'd really like to try things out with me. He'd take me out on dates and makes time to see me at least twice a week. He'd also call or text me throughout the day.
The issue is, when I don't hear from him within a specific time of the day, I start to get anxious. I try distracting myself with work and other stuff but he'd be in my subconscious and it can be quite overwhelming. Often times he'd explain why he wasn't available and would never go a whole day without communicating with me.
When I feel this way at times, i pull back. He once noticed this and told me I was a bit off and he didn't like the fact that I pulled back. Poor lil me give an excuse cause I'm not ready to be express that level of vulnerability just yet.
I really like this guy but I'm scared that my anxious attachment style with chase him away. Help!
I am exactly the same way, I have the same attachment style as you but I’m a guy. And my girl has the opposite, she’s avoidant and we deal with similar situations as yours, Ive been extremely transparent, I’m a very sensitive guy and I do get anxious when I feel like she’s very distant haha. I’ve been so afraid to show so much of my vulnerable side, but our relationship seems to get stronger every time I show her exactly how I feel. I started therapy and it’s helping so so much, so I highly recommend it:)
@@luisgutierrez5724 wow! It’s so interesting to hear it from the perspective of a guy. Thanks for sharing. I am newly dating an amazing guy too & it stirs up so much. I will take the quiz with him to start the conversation about my attachment style. I think it’s a great way to begin communicating about how I feel
I was like this and my guy is like the guy you are seeing. So what I did is I explained him how I feel and I started concentrating solely on myself. I kept telling myself that its me that is important. When I mind my own business my relationship is good. I had my own goals not "our goals" , I don't plan dates I dont expect him to plan dates but he does anyways, if he doesn't he is free to go that is the mindset I built. I kept telling myself I don't want to interfere in his life. I made a list of the things i want from the relationship, and constant attention wasn't one of them because I definitely want to work on myself only. You should stop having expectations from him and concentrate only on yourself only then will the relationship work.
@@sneha-qn4jnI needed this, thank you
When you said to stop being so critical of yourself, a lightbulb went off in my head…
You are so articulate and wise!!! ❤️❤️❤️
Incredible video! Thank you so much for providing this insight.
Hi Jeff, love your videos, so clear, concise and really helpful 👍🏻
Your words feel like a hug
This is definitely helpful! Thank you a lot
I loved this video! Thanks for putting it out there. Some serious food for thought x
This video really relieves my anxious attachment style. I’m saving it because it’s so grounding.
This was wonderful! Truly appreciated the advice and love Jeff's way of delivering this rich content. You are so lovely, Jeff. Thank you so much.
Thank you. Nice short and sweet. Very grateful 🙏
Thank you! ♥️ your delivery is amazing. All your tips are so applicable for real life.
Excellent points. Thank you.
Damn. So spot on. What a wonderful video! Thank you for putting out great content for us APs!
I really enjoyed this video and I will share this with my therapist. Thank you!
Explained so well 😍😍😍 !!!!!
Great advice, thank you!
Thank you so much! This actually sound like it can work!
What to do if you finally met someone after years of searching? but then you start to feel anxious if they dont text/ call call etc. my mind starts to go "do they really like me?" i feel like im just in the beginning stages of a relationship and im just not sure how to proceed.
Communication with your partner.
how did it go?
Did it worked out eventually?
From experience I’d say he isn’t right for you. The right person will make you feel good and not leave you hanging.
Thank you so much you explained the exact situation in my life rn, I feel really overwhelmed being an anxious attachment
thank you so much for your videos. i just found them, as i am learning more about my attachment style
your voice is so relaxing, & this video was straight to the point & filled with many tools to utilize. thank you!
I love your video, I think we need more videos about disorganised attachment style
This was great!
I love this video. I always come back to it to balance my anxiety once I feel I’m too anxious within such relationship. I love this video thank you so so much
This is wonderful!
Thank you! this is awesome
Thank you for this video.
Thank you Jeff.
Mate, thanks a lot for this video. I kind of had the inking I have this attachment style and how I’m a nervous wreck when I really like a girl. Being self aware of this is a good first step for me to start becoming more secure. Kudos to you!
Omg I’m so happy I came across you on here your my favorite therapist on TikTok I wanna cry right now that I’m happy to see you on TH-cam 🤗😭😭
You are !!like a Divine Mother, Jeff. You are such an angel! You are so appreciated!! Thank you!!
Thank you I loved this video. I’m a partner that is an anxious detachment style and it was a reminder what I need to focus on myself to stay secure
What an awesome video. Thank you.
Awesome to the point true help🙏never too old to learn helpful change 🌺
Thank you for this video. It's hopeful and positive. Definitely helped 🙏🏾🧡🙏🏾
I love your contents. You're amazing. You help me so much with forgiving myself.
It’s the vulnerable and direct for me 😫
lovely video. straight to the point and not a lot of i was like this, this is my long history, this and that and bla, just tells us what to do. thank you very much 😊 im gonna watch the video on self soothing next
You are a Godsend 🙏💕
Thank YOU so MUCH! This helped me understand mySelf so much more! I love therapists, psychologists, counsellors etc
You help us understand all our feelings emotions & needs etc helping me for sure ENORMOUSLY! 😍
I am very much an anxious attachment 😂 I never knew for sure but I do after watching some of your other videos! It brought so much self hate and hurt, thank you for this video ❤
Thank you sir for Sharing your knowledge to everyone who needs it
I kept seeing this video thumbnail and I wanted to watch but I don’t trust everyone’s random internet advice so I kept scrolling past. When I finally clicked I was SO shocked and happy to see you, my jaw dropped 😅. Love your short-form content and I’m so glad to have come across your channel here ❤❤
Thank you! This was incredibly useful. The point about expressing my needs resonated a lot with me and it's something I'm actively working on in therapy. Tbh I teared up a bit. And finding a secure partner, omg, my last relationship my partner was avoidant and I slipped back into a lot of anxious behaviors I had previously managed to get under control. I felt like something was really wrong with me but thanks to your video now I can see it was just a terrible match.
Thank you so much for this series for the anxious attachment style. Could you pretty please do a series for healing avoidant attachment style?
listening to this at work you made me smile when u said ppl w anxious attachment styles are cuties 😂😂😂 bc we definitely are!
Eye opening!!
Awesome video, thanks
Thank you!
Great video... concise abd useful 👌
Thank you, this is helping me understand my nature
Thank you for this! Especially reminder about matching with a partner that's secure. Btw I have an anxious dog with a couple of behavior problems and I need so much support there but I think I'm ashamed to ask for it, accept it. It's too hard and now I'm working with a dog behaviorist and a psychotherapist, so helpful... But both are online! I need more people in rl that will support me in helping my favorite pup of all times. Any suggestions how to feel more worthy of being helped here? A lot of my family disregards my issues.
I got off tiktok and so glad you came across my fyp I mean TH-cam suggestions
You have 22K subscribers with barely any videos. It'd amazing how big your potential is
Omlllllll I needed this
you think we're cuties??!!! 😂
thank youuuu
Thank you!!! :)
Love your content ❤
Appreciate the video. but I have a problem with number 1. Find a secure partner. I think it's very unlikely for a traumatized person to find a healthy person. Not saying it's impossible, but it's very unlikely that a person who has healthy boundaries is willing to be in a relationship with a person who has attachment issues. Healthy people just don't want to fix people or deal with these problems. The good news is, you and your partner can both work on securing your attachment. I honestly wouldn't be in a relationship with my partner if I were securely attached from the beginning. Everything else is on point here, good points. Instead of fixing your partner, help yourself, and your partner gradually follow, naturally.
Yea It's really funny to me because people with anxious attachment style look for ppl to fix them or make them feel secure, which is super healthy...
An anxious type will always kind of attract an dismissive avoidant type. A secure type attracts a secure style
I have been on a healing journey for 3 years. I have worked on my abandonment issues and childhood wounds and made great progress. I know my self worth and don’t settle for just anyone to have a partner. So after doing all this I met someone and enjoyed their company. As the relationship progressed they made me feel safe to ask for some of my bare minimum needs to be met. Which is SUPER HARD for me. I have been fiercely independent for most of my life. But when I did ask for those bare minimum needs to be met, I was met with resistance and complaints about how what I need is just too hard for them to meet. Which in turn makes me feel bad and I want to shut back down. 😞
Thank you❤
Personally, I really appreciate and will practice 7, 8 , 9 , starting at 4:26. Thank you. I'll be coming back for these specific parts.
I wish you could be my therapist 😭❤️ you're the best!!!
More tools, please. These are phenomenal
Saved to favorites
Thanks for the video. Your point about not playing games and to allow yourself to be vulnerable resonates with me. Finding the sweet spot between ”reaching out for other people to sooth you” and simply resisting the feeling is important in my opinion.
I think we can allow ourselves to be honest with our partners and saying, I feel a little bit insecure right now, I know it’s not on you to sooth me but a little reassurance can go a long way at this point, or something like that.
If your partner is willing to make it work, I can’t see how that would ruin it if it happens from time to time, what do you think?
I really needed to hear this about how this doesn't make us toxic or bad.
LMFT approved and letting you know....excellent content! New sub.
i love you!!
Not me constantly worrying that the cactus thornes might pierce his hands. 😅
I wish I could have you as my therapist!
Best video great job
Amazing video
Jeff Gunther, you are a beacon of light in a rather shady world.
Hey from SVK , thanks ✨
THANK YOUUUUUUU
thank you a lot
My husband has always seemed like he has a secure attachment style, his family impressed me, but after being married 31 years he has never made me feel emotionally secure. I don't know why I'm still staying with him since he makes me feel unloved. When I think of divorcing him I think that life will be more peaceful. I don't know if that will be possible for me with an insecure attachment going back to being in the womb. We have been in marriage counseling 4 different times over the 31 years. We even had premarital counseling with 3 different pastors, guess that was a waste of time.
Study it like a scientist 💯🔥
Thank you
Hi from Beaverton. I just found your channel. Good stuff!
My problem is that I am still obsessing about a 20-year relationship that ended years ago, but I find hard to cope with, even though I ended it. The trouble is that I’ve always got over relationships by moving onto a new one, but this time that’s not an option as I’m too old, have health problems, and never meet anyone I like who’s available anyway.
So I’m stuck with my memories and grief at the way my friendship with my ex has been cut off, because he is cold towards me now, and has another partner.
I thought we’d always at least be good friends, and I miss that.
My current therapist doesn’t seem to get it, and I feel judged when I try to talk about it, though she denies that.
20 years is a long time to have someone in your life, and there were lots of good times as well as bad.
I know I need to make more friends, but it’s hard as my health isn’t great (I have CFS) and my hearing is somewhat impaired.
I do get quite depressed about my situation at times. I wish I could like myself more and have happy relationships.
Your health problem dont prevent you making friends you can find friends who have smililar issues even a partner who will understand you.Our health issues dont define us
Focus on yourself, your wants your needs. What others find of you is their task and problem.
i love you thank you